1. Beware of perfect morning hair. You can’t have uninhibited sex if you’re worried about messing up your hair (Robby). A aerosol-sprayed, rock-solid coif in the early A.M. after a night of supposed boot-knocking betrays a depth of vanity that rivals Donald Drumpf’s. Intimacy includes being and looking vulnerable: messy hair, no makeup, the […]
1. It’s alright to cry. Guys, emotions are your friends. Did you learn nothing from Rosey Grier singing on “Free to Be You and Me”? Or from Dolly Parton in “Steel Magnolias” when she said “Laughter through tears is my favorite emotion”? Okay, first you have to actually get through “Steel Magnolias” without killing […]
1. Small talk is an art form. In the car ride with Alex and JoJo to the goucho ranch, the silences were more painful than slamming your thumb in a car door or listening to the entire Rick Astley discography. You know things aren’t going well when your date moans like a cow in labor because […]
Was it because we sacrilegiously watched “The Bachelorette” sans wine for once, or was this episode particularly boring? That milquetoast tango scene was getting dangerously close to jumping the shark. Still, we were able to mine some love-lesson gems out of it for the betterment of humankind: 1. Don’t psych yourself out! Alas, poor Wells! I knew you. You were the kind […]
We had to wait two long, grueling weeks for the next installment of The Bachelorette, but last night’s reprieve finally, mercifully came. Sadly, it didn’t deliver on the Chad drama we were promised, but instead only made his Neanderthal ways seem somewhat justified in the face of an angry coiffed mob (we hate it when Chad […]
The reality gods smiled down on us last night and blessed us with a bonus episode of The Bachelorette. Perhaps two nights in a row of juicy, ‘roid-fueled drama made it easier to decipher the strange laws of love particular to the world of The Bachelorette: All dates require a bathing suit portion of the outing. This is non-negotiable, […]
Last night’s episode of The Bachelorette could have (should have) just been the first group date in its entirety: a live storytelling event in front of an audience wherein each guy had to divulge some secret personal sex story. Wells apparently had a hilarious threesome story (complete with a fart punchline!), but we only got […]
There were a lot of lessons to be learned from JoJo’s first dates, so let’s dive right in: 1. Have a positive, can-do, lighthearted attitude like Wells. Is DJ Skellington ripped? No, but he’s happy to hang out at the pool in a bathing suit, sans sun shirt. Does he have physical endurance? No, but he […]
It’s baaaaaaaack. The premiere of season 12 of ABC’s The Bachelorette found (the boobs of) Joelle “JoJo” Fletcher bouncing back from being very ceremoniously dumped on national television by milquetoast cousin of Miss Piggy, Ben Higgins, on the last season of The Bachelor. So we’re back to relieve you of some of the guilt you surely […]
We always get a little case of the post-Bachelor/ette blues when a season comes to an end. Over the course of 3 months, we’ve learned so much about love and lust, what to do, what not to do, who to do, who not to do… At least we have less than a week until “Bachelor […]
1. Male Feminists Are Sexy Within minutes of the show’s opening, host Chris Harrison said “sexist double standard” and we swooned. Later on in the episode, he even referred to “gender roles” when discussing, euphemistically of course, the fact that Kaitlyn slept with Nick before the Fantasy Suites. Every season has its theme, and we […]
In the world of “The Bachelorette,” euphemisms for sex are a dime a dozen — contestants talk about “really being together” and “being alone” and being able to “focus on each other,” when what they really mean is, having sex like bunnies once the cameras are turned off. In that spirit, we will refer to […]
1. Get your hands out of your face. When you’re talking about your romantic feelings to the object of your affection, don’t constantly touch your face and cover your mouth and slur — it makes it seem like you’re hiding something…like you’re a liar and this is your tell (Nick). 2. Have some dignity when […]
1. Cheating on your wife won’t just mess up your marriage — it could seriously impact your future relationships, too. Because at some point, your new girlfriend is going to ask, “So, er, hey, what happened with your marriage?” Then you’re going to have to admit that you cheated on the mother of your child. And the chances […]
If you constantly have to talk about how smart/cool/deep you are to your date, then you are none of those things. As your 9th grade English teacher at Deerfield should have taught you: show, don’t tell. PDA should have some limits. Yes, you’re out and about on an amazing date in a cool […]
Don’t suffer through an outdoor date if the weather is bad. We don’t care if you’ve rented out CitiField for the evening: if it’s colder than a witch’s tit outside, jog once around the bases and then get yourselves inside to a deluxe box and stay there! Adapt to the situation — it’s what helped […]
