Still single, ladies? Well you can kiss your cat-lady status goodbye! Follow these five simple dating tips and you’ll never be alone again! Because a douchey guy is better than no guy at all. Amen to that!
- Dress to impress. If you’ve got it, flaunt it. You can’t expect a man to go for what you’ve got without visually sampling some of the goods first. Besides, the more body conscious your outfit, the less you need to rely on your personality to do the heavy lifting on the date. And whatever you do, make sure you always wear high — we’re talking stiletto — heels: the minuscule sliming effects they’ll have on your legs is sooooo worth the corns, blisters, back and joint pain, and the inability to walk like a normal human that you might suffer. Anything for love!
- Always let him pay. We’ve come a long way, baby. But that doesn’t mean you have to forgo chivalry altogether. You deserve to be taken care of, pampered, babied and lovingly talked down to. Even if you have your own money and a successful career, don’t risk emasculating him by paying your fair share. And if you live see the day when women are paid the same amount as men for the same job, never forget that the man is The Provider — it’s just a law of nature. And you can’t argue with nature. Which brings us to our next rule…
- Don’t argue. It’s adorable to have your own opinions. But if you want to make it to date number two, keep them to yourself. A man likes a woman who always agrees with him, never questions authority, and does what she’s told. Now that’s hot.
- Withhold sex. Even if you want it. Even if you have great chemistry. Even if it’s date number three. Sex is your bargaining chip — if you give it to him to soon, you’ll have nothing to negotiate with later. Remember, just because he likes you and shares your same life goals and has the same taste in music and movies and wants you to meet his mom, having sex with him before making him wait an arbitrary amount of time, sending him mixed signals, and forcing him to chase you like hunted prey can flick a switch in his brain that makes him suddenly hatte your pathetic guts. In short, don’t be a dirty slut.
- Don’t cut your hair short. EVER. What, are you a lesbian? Do you want to be single forever? Even if you can pull it off, or you just enjoy the ease and simplicity of shorter cut, keep your hair long and luscious. Because that’s what pornstars do.
For anyone one feather tickler short of an 150 Shades of Play kit, the above is satire and not intended for actual use (kind of like edible underwear).