All posts by Em & Lo

The Best Transgender Books for Kids

Happy International Trans Visibility Day (March 31st)!

Unfortunately, it’s not all balloons and supportive hugs: Trump’s list of discriminatory actions against the transgender community so far is too long to list in a single post. Him rescinding the Obama administration’s federal guidelines for schools to allow kids to use the public bathrooms that match their gender identity — arguing unconvincingly that this is a states’ rights and not a civil rights issue — is just the tip of the iceberg! (See the full, depressing, rage-inducing list here.)

Both Obama’s roll-out and Trump’s rescinding were largely symbolic, but the former set a tone of progressive inclusiveness while the other currently sets a tone of federally-sanctioned discrimination. In other words, for every one step forward, Trump is determined to take us twenty-two steps back.

The good news: A study published in Pediatrics has shown that families who support their child’s decision to live as a gender different from their birth sex are no more or less depressed than the national average.  And a meta-analysis of 28 studies showed that trans individuals who receive treatments (such as puberty-delaying drugs, cross-hormonal therapies, and gender affirmation surgery — all proven to be safe) are psychologically better off.

So whether you’ve got a non-cisgender child, know one, or just want to help raise informed, tolerant, sensitive citizens, here’s a comprehensive list of great books for kids — novels, picture books, workbooks, memoirs and profiles — that deal with transgender and intersex issues, gender non-conformity, and sexual orientation as it relates to trans people. (There are so many good ones, especially in the last few years, that we couldn’t narrow it down any further. In fact, we’ve added even more recently!) All are well reviewed, many are award winners, a few are bestsellers, and (surprise, surprise) several have made the top 10 list of most challenged books in the past several years. We’ve put them in order of age appropriateness:

1. “What Makes a Baby” (2013)

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Author: Cory Silverberg
For Ages: PreK – 8yo
Type: Picture book
Summary: Super fun, illustrated guide for little kids from ALL kinds of families about “where babies come from” that is incredibly inclusive and avoids language based on stereotypical gender binaries.
Praise: “Cory is a Dr. Spock for the 21st century.” –Susie Bright

2. “From the Stars in the Sky to the Fish in the Sea” (2018)



Author:
Kai Cheng Thom
For Ages: 3-8
Type: Picture Book
Summary: In this captivating, beautifully imagined picture book about gender, identity, and the acceptance of the differences between us, Miu Lan faces many questions about who they are and who they may be (note the use of “they”). But one thing’s for sure: no matter what this child becomes, their mother will love them just the same.
Praise: This book’s themes can resonate with any child who feels excluded (or excludes others) and can also open up conversations about nonbinary gender identities. A relevant tale of love and acceptance that can find a home in any children’s collection. —Kirkus Reviews

3. “Julián Is a Mermaid” (2018)

Author: Jessica Love
For Ages: preschool+
Type: Picture Book
Summary: In this beautifully done author-illustrator debut, a glimpse of costumed mermaids leaves one boy flooded with wonder and ready to dazzle the world. But will his abuela understand?
Praise: “There is nothing about this book that is forgettable. In fact, you may have a hard time not thinking long and hard about it after you put it down. A book for mermaids and boys and girls and parents and teachers and booksellers and librarians and . . . Let’s just simplify things and say it’s a book for the human race.” – Betsy Bird, Children’s book author and Collection Development Manager of the Evanston Public Library

4. “I Am Jazz” (2014)

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Author: Jessica Herthel & Jazz Jennings
For Ages: 4 – 8yo
Type: Picture book
Summary: Illustrated story of a transgender child based on the real-life experience of Jazz Jennings, who always knew she had a girl’s brain in a boy’s body. One small drawback: female identity is tied to princesses, pink and mermaids. One big badge of honor: it made the list of most challenged books last year.
Praise: “I wish I had had a book like this when I was a kid struggling with gender identity questions. I found it deeply moving in its simplicity and honesty.” –Laverne Cox (Sophia in “Orange Is the New Black”)

5. Red: A Crayon’s Story (2018)

Author:  Michael Hall
For Ages: 4-8
Type: Picture Book
Summary: In this funny, heartwarming and subtle tale, a blue crayon mistakenly labeled as “red” suffers an identity crisis.
Praise: “[A] fresh approach to colors and feelings. . . . Readers will share all the emotional elements of the tale—humor, despair, sadness, frustration, and finally, excitement.” (Booklist, starred review)

6. “The Boy and the Bindi” (2016)

Author: Vivek Shraya
For Ages: 4-8 years old
Type: Picture Book
Summary: A five-year-old South Asian boy becomes fascinated with his mother’s bindi, the red dot commonly worn by Hindu women to indicate the point at which creation begins, and wishes to have one of his own. Rather than chastise her son, she agrees to it, and teaches him about its cultural significance, allowing the boy to discover the magic of the bindi, which in turn gives him permission to be more fully himself.
Praise: “The author, a transgender woman, deftly explores difference and self-acceptance, the subversion of gender expectations, and the power of ‘making sure I don’t hide/Everything I am inside.'” —Terry Hong, Smithsonian BookDragon, Washington, DC

7. “Sex Is a Funny Word: A Book About Bodies, Feelings and YOU” (2015)

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Author: Cory Silverberg
For Ages: 
7 – 10yo
Type: Sex ed picture book
Summary: The second in Silverberg’s guides for kids (see #1; can’t wait for the teen one!) which deals with gender and sexual identity throughout in incredibly smart and sensitive ways. Same fabulous illustrator from “What Makes a Baby.”
Praise:
 “Emphasizing the importance of trust, respect, justice, and joy—as well as open communication — it’s a thoughtful and affirming exploration of relationships, gender identity, and growing sexual awareness.” –Publishers Weekly, starred review

8. “George” (2015)

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Author: Alex Gino
For Ages:
 9yo+
Type: Novel
Summary: Everyone thinks George is a boy, but she knows better. When her middle-grade teacher says she can’t try out for the part of Charlotte in the school play “because you’re a boy,” George and her friend come up with a plan so she can finally be who she wants to be.
Praise:
 “…deeply moving in its simplicity and joy. Warm, funny, and inspiring.” — Kirkus Reviews, starred review

9. Lily and Dunkin (2018)


Author:  Donna Gephart
For Ages: 10+
Type: Middle Grade Novel
Summary: A compelling dual narrative about two remarkable young people: Lily, a transgender girl, and Dunkin, a boy dealing with bipolar disorder.
Praise:  2017 Southern Book Award Winner—Juvenile Category; NPR’s Best Kids’ Books of 2016; Chicago Public Library Best Fiction for Older Readers 2016; New York Public Library Best Books for Kids 2016; Amazon’s Top 20 Children’s Books of 2016; Top 10 Audiobooks of 2016, School Library Journal; Goodreads Choice Awards 2016 — Best Middle Grade & Children’s; 2016 Rainbow Awards — Best Transgender Book

10. “Gracefully Grayson” (2014)

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Author: Ami Polonsky
For Ages: 
11yo+
Type: Novel
Summary: Grayson’s becoming more and more aware of a nagging feeling that she should be living as a girl, despite being male-assigned, and on a daring whim decides to audition for the part of Persephone in the school play. She has a supportive teacher and a new friend, but also has to contend with school bullies and disapproving adults.
Praise: 
“Thank you, Ami Polonsky, for creating this memorable character who will open hearts and minds and very possibly be the miracle that changes lives.” –James Howe, award-winning and best-selling author of The Misfits

11. “Parrotfish” (2014)

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Author: Ellen Wittlinger
For Ages: 12yo+
Type: 
Novel
Summary: 
Angela Katz-McNair never felt quite right as a girl. So she cuts her hair short, purchases some men’s clothes and chooses a new name: Grady. While coming out as transgender feels right to Grady, he isn’t prepared for the reactions of his friends and family. Fortunately he finds some kindred spirits (one of whom teaches him there’s a precedent for transgenderism in the natural world).
Praise: “Grady eventually decides that he will always straddle the 50 yard line of gender, and the book should help teens be comfortable with their own place on that football field.” — School Library Journal

12. “Freakboy” (2013)

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Author: Kristin Elizabeth Clark
For Ages: 12yo+
Type: Novel
Summary: Brendan Chase is a star wrestler, a video game aficionado, and a loving boyfriend to his seemingly perfect match, Vanessa. But on the inside, Brendan struggles to understand why his body feels so wrong — why he sometimes fantasizes having long hair, soft skin, and gentle curves. The novel folds 3 narratives with 3 different perspectives presented in 3 different fonts into one cohesive story written in verse.
Praise: “*This gutsy, tripartite poem explores a wider variety of identities–cis-, trans-, genderqueer–than a simple transgender storyline, making it stand out.” –Kirkus Review, starred review

13. “Every Day” (2013)

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Author: David Levithan
For Ages: 12yo+
Type: Novel
Summary: A love story written by the author of Nick & Nora’s Infinite Playlist about A, a teen who wakes up every morning in a different body, living a different life.
Praise: “Amazon Best Books of the Month, September 2012: Every Day is technically for young adults, but the premise of this unusual book goes much deeper. It asks a question that will resonate with the young and old alike: Can you truly love someone regardless of what they look like on the outside?”

14. “Happy Families” (2013)

happyfamilies

Author: Tanita S. Davis
For Ages: 12yo+
Type: Novel
Summary: The life of teen twins is turned upside down when their father starts living as a female.
Praise: “The story’s focus on an African-American family makes it particularly notable in LGBTQ-themed teen literature. Warmly drawn; a valuable conversation-starter for families like Ysabel and Justin’s.” –Kirkus Review

15. “Rethinking Normal: A Memoir in Transition” (2015)

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Author: Katie Rain Hill
For Ages: 13yo+
Type: Memoir
Summary: Nineteen-year-old Katie Rain Hill shares her personal journey of undergoing gender reassignment. The book now includes a reading group guide.
Praise: “Will both educate cisgender readers and strike sparks of recognition in those questioning their own gender identities.” –Kirkus Reviews

16. “Beautiful Music for Ugly Children” (2012)

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Author: Kristin Cronn-Mills
For Ages: 13yo+
Type:  Novel
Summary: “This is Beautiful Music for Ugly Children, on community radio 90.3, KZUK. I’m Gabe. Welcome to my show….I’m like a record. Elizabeth is my A side, the song everybody knows, and Gabe is my B side―not heard as often, but just as good. It’s time to let my B side play.”
Praise:Winner of the 2014 Stonewall Book Award for Children’s and Young Adult Literature

17. “Beyond Magenta: Transgender Teens Speak Out” (2015)

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Author: Susan Kuklin
For Ages: 13yo+
Type: Nonfiction profiles
Summary: Having met and interviewed six transgender or gender-neutral young adults, Kuklin presents them here before, during, and after their personal acknowledgment of gender preference via portraits, family photographs, and candid images.
Praise: A 2015 Stonewall Honor Book (also on the list of most challenged books of 2015)

18. “Tomboy: A Graphic Memoir” (2014)

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Author: Liz Prince
For Ages: 14yo+
Type: Graphic novel
Summary: A graphic novel about refusing restrictive gender “norms” (and even sometimes inadvertently embracing gender stereotypes). Life lesson: there’s no one right way to be a girl.
Praise: Kirkus Reviews Best Books of 2014 list, Texas Library Association (TLA) Maverick Graphic Novels List 2015, YALSA Great Graphic Novels for Teens 2015 nomination, Amelia Bloomer Project 2015 nomination, YALSA Quick Picks 2015 nomination, Cybils Awards 2014 nomination, Teen Choice Book of the Year Awards nomination, Broken Frontier Awards nomination

19. “The Gender Quest Workbook” (2015)

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Author: Multiple authors
For Ages: 14yo+
Type: Workbook
Summary: A comprehensive workbook that incorporates skills, exercises, and activities from evidence-based therapies—such as cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)—to help transgender and gender nonconforming (TGNC) teens explore and navigate their gender identity and expression at home, in school, and with peers.
Praise: “This workbook is an important resource for the transgender community. I wish I’d had something like it when I was coming out to myself.” — Greta Gustava Martela, cofounder and executive director of Trans Lifeline, the first national crisis line for transgender people

20. “I Am J” (2015)

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Author: Cris Beam
For Ages: 14yo+
Type: Novel
Summary: Sick of hiding the body that’s betraying him under baggy clothes, J runs away, begins attending a school for gay and transgender teens, and ultimately decides to take testosterone, all while navigating family, friendships and young love.
Praise: An ALA Best Fiction for Young Adults Title, a California State Recommended Literature List Pick, an Amazon Best Book of the Month Pick, a Kirkus Reviews Best YA Book of the Year

21. “Some Assembly Required: The Not-So Secret Life of a Transgender Teen” (2015)

someassemblyrequired

Author: Arin Andrews
For Ages: 14yo+
Type: Memoir
Summary: Seventeen-year-old Arin Andrews Arin reveals the challenges he faced as a boy in a girl’s body, the humiliation and anger he felt after getting kicked out of his private school, and all the changes—both mental and physical—he experienced once his transition began. Now with a reading group guide and an all-new afterword from the author.
Praise: “This is a brave book that handles complicated and sensitive topics honestly and, at times, with humor.” –Publishers Weekly

22. “Luna” (2006)

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Author: Julie Anne Peters
For Ages: 14yo+
Type: Novel
Summary:  Regan helps her brother Liam with his secret, supplying clothes and makeup and cover — that is, until her sibling decides to go public as Luna, which threatens Regan’s own social standing.
Praise: National Book Award Finalist, an ALA Best Book for Young Adults, a Stonewall Honor Book, a Lambda Literary Award Finalist, a Book Sense Summer Reading Book for Teens

23. “Almost Perfect” (2010)

almostperfect

Author: Brian Katcher
For Ages: 14yo+
Type: Novel
Summary: Boy kisses girl, girl admits she was born a boy, boy dumps girl, boy grows to accept girl for who she truly is.
Praise: Winner of the Stonewall Children’s & Young Adult Literature Award

24. “Alex As Well” (2016)

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Author: Alyssa Brugman
For Ages: 15yo+
Type: Novel
Summary: An intersex kid forges a path between two genders to find their true self.
Praise: “Readers of authors such as John Green will devour this novel.” –Junior Bookseller & Publisher

25. “Being Emily” (2012)

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Author: Rachel Gold
For Ages: YA
Type: Novel
Summary: When Christopher tries to be Emily, her parents don’t understand, her therapist insists Christopher is normal and Emily is sick, and her girlfriend lectures her about how God doesn’t make that kind of mistake. But there’s still hope!
Praise: Winner 2013 Golden Crown Literary Award in Dramatic / General Fiction, Winner 2013 Moonbeam Children’s Book Award in Young Adult Fiction (Mature Issues), Finalist 2013 Lambda Literary Award

26. “Becoming Nicole: The Transformation of an American Family” (2015)

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Author: Amy Ellis Nutt
For Ages: Adult nonfiction (but appropriate for older teens)
Summary: With access to personal diaries, home videos, clinical journals, legal documents, and medical records, the author spent almost four years with this traditional family of adopted twin boys, one of whom transitions from Wyatt to Nicole.
Praise: New York Times Bestseller, a New York Times Notable Book, named one of the Ten Best Books of the Year by People and one of the Best Books of the Year by Men’s Journal, a Stonewall Honor Book in Nonfiction, and a Finalist for the Lambda Literary Award for Transgender Nonfiction

From books for kids to cinema for adults:
The Top 10 Transgender Films

This post has been updated.
5 Terms Every Parent Should Add to Their Sex-Ed Vocabulary

Cory Silverberg is elevating in-home sex-ed to an art form, one kick-ass book at a time. His first kids’ book on reproduction, called WHAT MAKES A BABY (for preschoolers through 2nd-graders), combines inclusive language, helpful descriptions, and bright, bold and beautiful illustrations by Fiona Smyth (that get us all nostalgic for “Free to Be You and Me“) to answer the eternal kid question, Where do babies come from? What makes this first book so special is how all kinds of families are included in the answer. (We’ve given it as a new-parent present to hetero couples, gay couples, and a single mom who opted for sperm donation — all were appreciative of Silverberg’s modern, thoughtful approach.)

SIAFW cover finalNow, his second book in the three-part series has just come out: SEX IS A FUNNY WORD: A Book About Bodies, Feelings, and You  is a resource for kids ages 7 through 10 (and their parents/caregivers) about bodies, gender and sexuality, in comic book form — again, with Smyth’s signature illustrations. It delivers on its promise to open up “conversations between young people and their caregivers in a way that allows adults to convey their values and beliefs while providing information about boundaries, safety, and joy.” (Okay, maybe not if your values and beliefs are akin to those of the zealot mom from Carrie.)

Luckily for us, Cory’s books have been published in sync with the ages of our eldest kids — so we expect (and anxiously await) his third book in the series, the one for pre-teens and teens, to hit shelves right around the time puberty strikes our own households. In the meantime, we wanted to talk more with Cory about  some of the language used in Sex Is a Funny Word — the terms and phrases we agree every caregiver of a little kid should have in their vocabulary:

1. “Middle Parts”

Rather than “private parts,” the book recommends the phrase “middle parts.” Which begs the question, What’s so bad about “private parts”? Cory explains that it’s a euphemistic solution for little kids that doesn’t really work when we grow up. “When adults use the term they are only talking about genitals,” says Cory. “But any part of our body could be private.  This is true in both religious/cultural contexts but also from a body empowerment perspective.  So it just doesn’t make sense to say that breasts are a private part but the underarm isn’t.”

“Private parts” is also problematic from a harm prevention perspective: “Not all sexual abuse of children is focused on the genitals.   When we teach kids that the only part of their bodies that are private and need protection are their genitals we are not teaching them the body awareness they need to help protect themselves from sexual predators.”

So Cory went in search of an alternative — one that dropped the euphemisms and was as honest as possible.  And if you’re talking about the region from the chest to the crotch, what’s more accurate (and, in our opinion, more adorable) than “in the middle”?

who has what p.70-71 (1)

2. “Vulva,” et al

Confusing the vulva (the external female genitalia) with the vagina (the internal canal) is one of our pet peeves. We get why kids might do it, but adults? Who are having sex? In this day and age? With the Internet at their fingertips? Even sex education manuals use “vagina” incorrectly, which drives us — and Cory — nuts!

“Many of us parents don’t even know there is a difference between the vagina and vulva, so we use the word incorrectly partly because we don’t know better,” explains Cory. “Also, words like ‘anus’ and ‘clitoris‘ are just so foreign to most of us and so it feels weird to use them with kids because it feels weird to use them period.”

Another problem is the fact  that so many adults automatically equate correct anatomical terms with sex: “Some of us only use a word like clitoris in a sexual context.  I’ve definitely had parents feel icky about the word clitoris because they think it’s somehow too sexual.  Of course it isn’t. It’s just the name of another body part.”

Cory likes to point out to parents that little kids don’t have these hangups or even an understanding of how words have sexual connotations. “So,” he says, “it’s an opportunity to work on our own anxiety and shame and to not pass it on to our kids.”

3. “Helpful & Hurtful Words” (as Opposed to “Good & Bad Words”)

In Sex Is  a Funny Word, Cory writes that “words are not good or bad…The same word can feel good, or bad, or like nothing at all. It depends on who is saying it, how they say it, and why.” While it’s clear in the book that Cory is NOT advocating kids saying whatever the hell they want, we could see strict parents who are totally against any kind of swearing in any situation taking issue with the idea that there are “no bad words.” So we asked Cory how to make the case to them:

“The short answer for those parents is that they should be honest with their kids and say ‘I don’t want you using that language because it upsets me, it hurts my feelings.'” This way, the boundaries are set regarding certain words, while the emphasis is placed on the hurt feelings caused by those words when used in a particular context.  

Cory adds, “What happens when we teach our kid that a word is bad, and then they hear it or see it in a different context, where it isn’t bad?  Take a word like queer.  I’m a queer person, it’s a word that I use that actually brings me a lot of joy and comfort.  It’s a word that in my community is very positive.  But of course for some people it’s a ‘bad’ word, meaning it’s a word that was used to cause pain and hurt.”  

In short: teach kids nuance now to help avoid adult shame and anxiety later. 

LGBTQA 150-151

4. “Secret Touching” (As Opposed to “Bad Touch”)

This is a term coined by Jan Hindman in her book A Very Touching Book, which Cory adopted in Sex Is a Funny Word, to talk about sexual abuse in a way that makes more sense for kids.

“The problem with using terms like ‘bad touch’ or ‘bad touching’ is that for some kids, their initial experience of sexual abuse won’t necessarily be that it feels bad.  A lot of people who offend against children aren’t physically violent with them.   For some kids the attention they are getting from an adult feels positive, or at least it’s the only attention they are getting.” Cory adds, ” Of course it isn’t positive, and even if there isn’t physical violence it is violence, and it is damaging.”

In the book, Cory writes to kids, “It’s called secret touching because no matter where someone touches you, or where you touch them, they make you keep it a secret.” When a child is being abused by someone they love or trust or respect, they may not want to get them in trouble by admitting the abuser has done something “bad.” The more nuanced language of “secret touching” can make it easier for children to open up about what we would call “abuse” but they often wouldn’t. 

5. Justice

“Trust,” “joy” and “respect” are words that make multiple appearances throughout Sex Is a Funny Word, which many parents would find appropriate and self-explanatory. But another word that comes up again and again is “justice” — which is probably not the first word that comes to mind when most of us think about sexuality. So we asked Cory: When teaching kids about sex, “justice” might seem like a pretty distant, complicated, abstract term to throw into the mix of already difficult discussions — why is it important for kids to learn what it means in this context and how can parents introduce it seamlessly?

Cory’s response: “It’s important because sex, sexuality, and gender are always about more than biology and anatomy.  When all we offer kids is information about how not to get pregnant and how not to get an STD we are only scratching the surface of what they need and of what sexuality is about.”

Cory asked us to imagine talking with a friend or partner about something sexually intimate and NOT talking about any of the following:

  • your feelings
  • your values
  • where and how you were raised
  • what you think makes a good or bad partner or spouse

It’s impossible! Point made.

Cory adds, “Including justice in a book about sex education for 7 to 10 year olds only seems strange to older kids and adults.  I have yet to hear of any kid who has read the book and wondered why justice is in there.  In my experience kids have a strong sense of justice, and they appreciate it being called out.”

what is sex

Want more tips for talking with kids?
Read our interview with Cory about
What Makes a Baby

 

Dear Em & Lo: Should I Teach My Goddaughter Sex Ed?

Dear Em & Lo,

My goddaughter has reached the age where sexual exploration is something she might be considering delving into (if she hasn’t already). I’m not sure how to approach the issue of birth control with her. If she is wanting to have, or already is having sex then I want to support her getting on birth control.

However, I fear that by encouraging oral contraceptives, she may later fall, or be pressured, into believing that a condom isn’t really necessary because she won’t get pregnant and he must be clean because people wouldn’t lie about that sort of thing. In other words, I don’t want her to trade off using a condom just because she’s on the pill. I’d much rather her use a condom than the pill because at least you have options with an unplanned pregnancy, unlike many STDs.

Also, I think she’s still too young for sex, although I know many girls her age are engaging in sexual acts (she’s still a young teen), and I don’t want her to think that supporting birth control equals supporting sex. The basic question here is: Is supporting birth control risking giving her an excuse not to use a condom? If so, how do I counteract that?

— Confused Godmother

Dear Confused Godmother,

Wow, we wish we’d had a godmother like you when we were growing up! Kudos for modernizing the role of godmother and taking your role in her life seriously.

You won’t be surprised to hear that we are entirely in favor of sexuality education. Because its opposite — ignorant sex — has consequences too dire to ignore. And any godmother would be foolish to think she was the one introducing her goddaughter to the idea of sex. We’re pretty sure the cat’s out of the bag on that one.

For encouragement, we’d look to the Netherlands, where they have the lowest teen pregnancy rates and abortion rates in the West (as well as incredibly low STD rates among young people compared to countries like the US and the UK). Not surprisingly, they have excellent comprehensive and very open sex education that starts young (a series of sex education books for kids starting as young as 5 are considered classics there).

We know there are people in the abstinence-only camp who believe that if you think it’s too early for a teen or pre-teen to be having sex, then teaching them sex ed is like telling them “Don’t drive the car” — but leaving the keys in the Corvette and saying, “But if you do, buckle up.” This assumes, however, that parents (or godparents) and kids see things as black and white as neo-cons. Most people probably feel that their kids become sexually active way too early, but, when given the choice, would prefer they do it safely. And we like to think that most kids can tell the difference between education and permission.

Speaking of permission, it’s a touchy issue, and something you’ve probably already considered, but it’s probably a good idea (not to mention respectful) to give your goddaughter’s parents a heads-up that you’d like to have an honest conversation with her about sex — they’d probably want to know. We don’t think you need to go into graphic detail about which condom brand you’re going to recommend — just a simple, “Hey, I’d love to take out my goddaughter for a little chat about the birds and bees.” Most parents we know would welcome this from their kids’ godparents with open arms!  Not only do they clearly trust you as a role model, but the thought of discussing sex with their own kids is most likely terrifying to them!

Should the parents unexpectedly heisman this good idea (maybe they want to be the ones to handle the talks), then we’d recommend you gently put the ball in your goddaughter’s court, letting her know that she can come to you with any questions, about sex or anything, and that you’ll be very, very discreet. If you get the sense that she would like — or needs — someone to turn to (and her parents aren’t open to it), then we’d say your loyalty is to her and your priority is her safety and well-being.

But assuming the ‘rents will jump at the chance to have someone else participate in their daughter’s sex education, then we DO think you should go into graphic detail with her. We think you should tell her about masturbation and respecting her own body and being her own sexual agent. We think you should tell her that WHEN SHE’S READY — and say that at least ten times, WHEN SHE’S READY, which could be years from now and that’s totally cool — she needs to insist on using a condom correctly every time. Talk about STDs and unplanned pregnancies and how common they are. Explain that while condoms are the best defense against STDs and can really lower the risk of transmission, they cannot protect you from all STDs. Be prepared to give her resources she can go check out on her own, online: Planned Parenthood, AshaSTD.org, gURL.com. Tell her you’ll always be happy to buy condoms for her in the future (or buy her some if you think she may need them imminently). And teach her that she’s just as responsible for having protection on hand as the guy is.

As for the question about the pill, we think you should definitely encourage her to have a backup form of birth control because it’s the best defense against unplanned pregnancies when the condom breaks — explain to her that condoms DO break sometimes (especially when used incorrectly, hence the emphasis on “correct use”). You could even use the Planned Parenthood widget we mentioned earlier today to help figure out what might be the best backup methods of birth control for her. Tell her how, when she eventually becomes sexually active, having two forms of protection (condoms + some other form) will make her safer, give her more peace of mind, and thus make the experiences more enjoyable. But emphasize how this is a backup form of birth control that cannot take the place of condoms when it comes to STD protection, even with her first true love who she believes is a virgin. This is the point where you explain, very scientifically, “Hey, you really can never know!”

Finally, do tell your goddaughter what postponing sex may save her from: the post-prom disappointment, the pathetic fumblings of inexperienced, immature boys with no staying power; the various viral STDs going around that have no cure… You can certainly talk up waiting: abstinence-only education sucks, but abstinence itself can be great and empowering and stress-relieving! And then admit that once she actually gets around to sex — WHEN SHE’S READY — it’s (meant to be) pretty fun.

The seat belt police,
Em & Lo

What the Dutch Can Teach Us About Sex

photo via flickr

And no, we’re not talking about the relative appeal of sex in clogs. We have long sung the praises of Holland’s approach to sex — and, in particular, its approach to sex & pregnancy education. Because Holland has results that we can all agree are worth aspiring to (even bat-shit-crazy Michele Bachmann): The teen pregnancy rate in the Netherlands is 12 pregnancies per 1,000 girls aged 15 to 19. In the U.S., there are 72 pregnancies per 1,000 girls the same age. The Dutch teen abortion rate is 20% lower than that in the U.S. And the rate of HIV infection is three times greater in the U.S.

Don’t even get us started on how teen STD rates compare in the two countries — these charts say it all. Oh, and not entirely unrelated: that nutty clog-wearing, pot-brownie-eating people in the Netherlands have three times lower rates of marijuana use than we do. Isn’t that surprising! Perhaps it’s because people have such free access to it the novelty has worn off, or perhaps it’s a cultural thing. Others around the world have to buy weed online canada, America, and even in the UK too so it’s more exciting to smoke, whereas in the Netherlands, it’s readily available so there’s no anticipation of receiving a parcel and smoking it. One thing that everyone who smokes marijuana has in common is that they want good quality, such as 6 star hash, so they are always on the lookout for the best that they can get, no matter where they are.

So what are they doing so right? Here’s where the likes of us (sane, rational beings who actually know a thing or two about sex education and who are interested in what kind of behavior leads to those kind of results) disagree vehemently with the likes of Bachmann (who, well, you know the deal). Let’s look at how Holland approaches sex and sex education, according to Amy Schalet, author of the new book Not Under My Roof: Parents, Teens and the Culture of Sex — she’s an assistant professor of sociology at the University of Massachusetts, Amherst and just happened to live in the Netherlands until she was 21.

  • Two-thirds of Dutch parents report allowing their teenage (15-17 year old) children to have sleepovers with their boyfriend or girlfriend. (Hey, maybe it’s easier to put on a condom in a bed than in the backseat of a car or under a bush.)
  • Sex is about love, not marriage. “Coming out of the sexual revolution,” Schalet tells Time, “the Dutch really decoupled sex from marriage, but they didn’t decouple sex from love.” Which makes so much more sense to teenagers, when you think about it — because, realistically, most of them are going to be having sex for years (maybe even decades) before they’re ready to wed. If you emphasize that sex is best with love (as opposed to just with marriage), then it can teach teens a realistic way to respect each other in bed.
  • Just don’t call it puppy love, okay? “There’s a strong belief in the Netherlands that youth can be in love — boys as well as girls — that makes sex in many ways seem safer and more contained because it’s embedded in a relationship.”
  • Most Dutch teenagers lose their virginity in their own bedrooms with their parents’ approval — and with condoms.
  • Sex education starts as early as age five.

Read the rest of this post on SUNfiltered

7 Ways to Fight the “Mommy Problem” from Within Your Relationship

We loved Heather Havrilesky’s “Mommy Problem” article in the Times a while back, about how “the culture demands that every mother be all in, all the time.” And we’re not alone, clearly: We lost count of the number of our friends who gave it the “yep” response in their Facebook feed. Responding in Jezebel, Tracy Moore wrote:

It’s still strangely odd to me when someone says, “What’re you up to lately, just being a mom?” Yup, JUST BEING A MOM. Just MOMMING IT UP. As if people can’t reconcile that being a person is a complex interrelated set of roles that are on and off at any given moment and often overlap, and that this is true for everyone ALL THE TIME, not just women! It’s almost always said to me by men, by the way, who are almost never pigeonholed in this way. They are men, and people, who happen to be dads at various moments when they are actually doing dad stuff.

We wish we could change this culture in one single blog post. We wish we could change men’s attitudes in one single blog post. We wish we could fix the Mommy Problem in one single blog post. But in the absence of a Feminist Fairy Godmother to grant us all these wishes, we’d like to offer this advice instead: While we wait for the culture to change (and do everything we can to change it, of course, along the way), here are seven small ways you can fight the Mommy Problem in your own relationship and help erase the contradictory caricature of ideal mothers as “sexy but sexless,” as Havrilesky writes. After all, moms are sexual creatures, too.

1. Insist on Coparenting

At least whenever possible. Nurturing, cuddling, tickling, boo-boo Band-Aiding, dinner-making, homework-helping, party-planning, cleaning — these are all parental responsibilities that can and should be shared by fathers. (Similarly, mothers should feel free to mow the lawn.) Of course, some delineation is necessary and often enjoyable, but living as if mothers possess something in their DNA that makes them uniquely — i.e. solely — qualified for caretaking is dangerous retro Mad Men b.s. Coparenting will help you feel less like you’ve given up your entire identity for your kids, while enriching your partner’s experience with and connection to the kids (not to mention setting a good example for them of what gender equality is all about). Plus, a dad who can change a diaper in 20 seconds flat is HOT!

2. Don’t Let Your Partner Call You “Mommy”

When you two are talking with the kids, that’s totally fine. But when it’s just the two of you having an adult conversation, or even when the two of you are having a one-on-one conversation in front of the kids, call each other by your names. “Let’s thank Mommy for this awesome dinner” is okay. “Hey Mommy, where’d you put the car keys” is not. After all, you are a multidimensional person, and not actually the mother of your partner. (However, if you as a couple would like to use “Mommy” or “Daddy” in a kinky way in the bedroom, that’s totally up to you! We won’t judge.)

3. Make Dates with Your Partner

It’s an oldie but a goodie. With so much on your plates as parents, it’s easy to put the kids to bed and then crash on the couch together, night after night, in front of mindless TV for an hour or two to unwind. And we’re not suggesting you deny yourself this simple pleasure entirely. But you have to give yourselves the opportunity — regularly — to remember why you had kids together in the first place, why you fell in love in the first place: because you enjoyed their company and wanted to have sex with them for the rest of your life! Going out just the two of you, reminiscing about the past, not talking about potty training and after school activities, can help you reconnect to this truth. And we’re not talking about going to the same restaurant and ordering the same dish every Tuesday at 8pm — these dates, at least occasionally, need to be new and novel for both of you, in order to help maintain the spark.

4. Get a Lock for Your Bedroom Door

You don’t have to keep it locked all night, if that freaks out you, or your kids, but at least latch the door for fifteen (or so) minutes while you’re getting busy. It’s good for your kids to know that you as parents need and deserve, not necessarily sex, but quality alone time, at least when they’re old enough to be self-sufficient for the length of a quickie. Play music, or a white noise machine, to help drown out any noise from the other side of the door.

5. Have Morning Sex

Set your alarm ten minutes early for a reason other than your offspring. It’s a good way to do something for yourself before you and/or your partner pack lunches and backpacks and drive the kids to school. It’s kind of like wearing really raunchy underwear and not telling anyone.

6. Play with Power Roles in the Bedroom

Be the boss in the bedroom, and then let your partner be the boss the next day. Be demanding, and then be meek. Ask for exactly what you want and need… without saying please. Say please and beg a lot. Then realize that you can shrug off these roles as easily as a pair of underwear.

7. Treat Yourself to a Decent Vibrator

We get it — sometimes after a day of being groped by kids, the last thing you want is to roll around in bed with your partner. But there are other ways to find a grownup kind of release, remember. Take five minutes of me time with your favorite LELO pleasure object while the kids are watching a show. Because one of the best things about vibrators is that they allow you to be completely selfish for once!

 MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:

If You Challenge Gender Stereotyping, Prepare to Be Vilified

Our journalist friend Diane Stopyra recently penned an excellent piece for MarieClaire.com entitled “Dear Parents-to-Be: Stop Celebrating Your Baby’s Gender,” which argued that gender-reveal parties are misguided attempts at fun which reinforce harmful gender stereotypes (and, let’s face it, are just a tad narcissistic). Why pigeon-hole you’re kid before they’re even out of the womb?

Makes total sense to us, but many readers were outraged, especially once Cosmopolitan.com reprinted it. Several reactionary pieces have since been written, with sentiments like this:

…alas, the Humorless Feminist Brigade has to come along and sling a rotten tomato into the reveal-party punchbowl.

And this:

This utter nonsense isn’t palatable to the average person. Cosmopolitan used to be about lipstick and beauty tips. Now, it’s on a feminist rampage that frankly isn’t relatable to the average woman. Women who aren’t even political are replying their displeasure with this article. Who takes aim at happy parties celebrating babies? Liberals.

The worst of it came from angry, anonymous readers who sent her hateful social media messages like this:


It was enough to convince Stopyra to post a follow-up to Facebook:

My story on gender reveal parties has been viewed hundreds of thousands of times since July 5. Since then, people have sought me out to call me every iteration of “cunt” imaginable (jealous cunt, bimbo cunt, joyless cunt, demon cunt, etc.). I’ve had stories written about me and what a terrible person I must be. And I’m inundated every day with hundreds of messages, some telling me the world would be a better place if I died. On my own Facebook feed, acquaintances have joked about “cutting” me.

So let me say this: I get it.

As a kid, I didn’t question why, on birthdays and holidays, girls got party dresses and glitter, while boys received simple engineering tools, like Legos and train sets. I assumed when I got married, I’d be the one doing all the cooking and cleaning, And to be honest, I still feel a (super annoying) twinge of guilt if my husband does the dishes. Like a lot of children, I think, seeing a clearly defined set of gender roles helped me navigate the world around me. I definitely never heard the world “intersex” until I was an adult person. Even then, I didn’t understand how it differed from “trans.” So yeah, the idea that sex and gender aren’t black and white — that’s out of my comfort zone, too.

But the way I see it, there are two ways to deal with things that make us uncomfortable — we either get angry each time they cross our path, or we get educated. I’m glad I chose to get educated, and I’ll continue doing so, because that’s my job as a journalist.

I believe women who bring new life into this world are awesome. If it makes me awful to think our derivative pregnancy celebrations — with their reductive stereotypes and demeaning games — aren’t worthy, so be it.

And if this post makes you want to unleash a Tweet storm of insults, for Pete’s sake, at least come up with something I haven’t yet heard this week.

The world is a complicated place. We as humans are hardwired to make sense of it all by putting everything into categorized, labeled boxes. The problem with that is most things don’t fit neatly into separate, narrowly defined boxes. Gender stereotypes ignore the fact that there is a lot more overlap between the sexes than there are differences. Pointing out the folly in assigning character traits before even birth is just one way to highlight these stereotypes and call bullshit on them.

Diane Stopyra did just that, with class and facts. And she was rewarded for it with attempts at character assassination, assumptions about her personal politics, and a barrage of threatening hate mail. Why do people feel backed into a corner when you try not to back them into a corner? When you try to give people the space and freedom to become who they want to be, whether that’s a female construction worker or a male nurse, regardless of whatever anatomy they happened to be born with?

Easing up on the whole “Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus” routine will only make Earth a more diverse, tolerant and happy planet.

Here’s how to fight gender stereotyping after the birth:
10 Lessons from “Parenting Beyond Pink & Blue”

 

I Took My Kids to the Jeff Koons Retrospective (Oops)

My family had an opportunity to visit New York City for a full week recently. It was the longest my husband and I (the Lo half of Em & Lo) had been there since having kids. Before breeding, we’d lived there for years, gorging on the countless cultural opportunities at our disposal. Post-spawn, we moved to the Hudson Valley and have only managed the occasional day-trip back. But thanks to friends whose summer plans left their kid-friendly Brooklyn apartment empty, we got to live the life of city parents, complete with a borrowed Maclaren (natch).

I was determined to pack it in:

  • MoMA – check!
  • Off-Broadway show with discount tickets from TKTS – check!
  • Row boat ride on The Lake in Central Park – check!
  • Outdoor family movie at South Street Seaport – check!
  • Visiting all 9 playgrounds of Brooklyn Bridge Park…in one day – check!

The only thing left was a visit to the Whitney to catch the popular Jeff Koons retrospective. With its bright bubblegum colors, its larger-than-life scales, its cartoonish sensibilities, it would be perfect for kids, right?

My husband had to work that day, so I hauled my daughter, 6, my son, 3, the snack bag and the stroller from Carroll Gardens all the way uptown on the F, and then the 6, in sweltering August heat. By the time we got to the Whitney, the kids were done. Not one to let something like my kids’ exhaustion get in the way of their cultural education or my own artistic enjoyment, I was determined to visit all six — count ’em, six — floors of the show (it’s the first time a single artist has taken up so much real estate at the Whitney).

I felt a cool breeze coming off the ticket salesperson. Was it the poor fit of my mom jeans or my sensible shoes? Could he tell I was dragging these poor kids along against their will? Or did the fact that I failed to donate money to the museum beyond the cost of my ticket irk him? (Hey, kids tix are officially free. Plus, this new economy can be brutal on bloggers.) When I asked which floors were must-see for kids, I got no friendly warnings.

We started with what would be the surest kid-pleaser: the 4th floor, with its ginormous, metallic, balloon-animal dog; the rainbow-colored mountain of Play-Doh poop; and the oversized kitten hanging in a clotheslined sock. As we rode up the crowded elevator, I imagined my children’s eyes widening with wonder and their jaws dropping open with awe at these sights.

The elevator doors opened, we took a look around, and within 30 seconds they both told me they were ready to leave. This was going to be a challenge.

I kicked it into high gear, breezing through each gallery, swerving around patrons’ toes, wrangling the kids and reminding them about 20 billion times not to touch anything — all so we could get in and out without any meltdowns from my kids (or me). In my haste, I must have missed the small plaque that apparently gives a warning to parents and those with delicate sensibilities about the graphic content of the works around one corner.

So there we were, suddenly face to face with Elvis, a painting depicting a plastic blow-up toy in the shape of a lobster flanked by two images of topless (and, for all intents and purposes, bottomless) Playboy Playmates, with their silicone breasts and impossibly smooth skin. Kind of funny, if I’d had a second to think about it, but my visceral reaction was, I don’t want my daughter to think that this is what women are supposed to look like. I must have made some involuntary groan. It was the first time during our visit that my daughter really looked at the art. (Fortunately, my son was more interested in the intricacies of his belly button than the pictures on the walls.)

Pressing on — quickly, quickly — we turned another corner and found one of the mural-sized works from his 25-year-old “Made in Heaven” series, featuring a naked Jeff Koons and his Italian porn-star soon-to-be-wife (now ex). His penis and testicles and her pube-free vulva were at kid eye level. A woman behind me told her friend rather sternly — and loudly — “This is not appropriate for children.”

I panicked, mumbling something to my kids like, “Nothing to see here!”, and bee-lined it to the next, less scandalous room.

We made it out alive. The kids hopefully made it out unscarred. But I sure didn’t help matters. One might think a person who writes about sex for a living, endorses comprehensive sex education, uses accurate anatomical terms with her kids (e.g. wash your vulva; boys have penises, girls have clitorises), answers questions about where babies come from honestly and without shame, and tries to exude a positive body image in all states of dress (even if she has to fake it) would be able to handle her kids seeing nude artwork with aplomb and grace. But my fear of being perceived by strangers as a bad parent, along with my own deep-seated embarrassment, won out.

I realize now that my frazzled reaction made this nudity a bigger deal than it was, made it instantly taboo, and therefore gave it more power, mystery and allure than it would have had otherwise. After all, we all have bodies — and genitals — that come in different shapes and sizes; just as everybody poops, everybody is naked under their clothes. The most offensive thing about the painting of the couple was actually the incredibly tacky ’80s accessories the woman was wearing. (I mean, white lace thigh highs and a floral headband? Come on!) Even Elvis‘s fake boobs — which I am generally not a fan of, for both philosophical and aesthetic reasons — weren’t as offensive as some of the violence portrayed (and thus condoned) in contemporary kids’ cartoons and movies. But I’ve certainly let my kids watch those without as much guilt. (I mean, machine guns in Disney’s Cars 2? Come on!)

What I should have done was acted normal and unfazed, gotten through the museum in a calm and orderly fashion, then asked my daughter what she thought of the show and if she had any questions about what she had seen. Probably not a teachable moment on the ills of the cosmetic surgery industry or the benefits of pubic hair. But maybe something a little less Nudity = Shame.

Actually, what I really should have done was bitten off only what I and my kids could realistically chew, been content with seeing just the 4th floor, and then taken them to get ice cream, stat. But that’s another parenting article altogether.

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com

8 Potty Habits That Will Improve Your Sex Life

Let’s talk about poop, baby – the most ordinary of bodily functions, yet the one most mired in shame and lame Freudian stages. We’re all victims of evolution’s big cosmic joke: the placement of the body’s waste disposal system right next to its biggest pleasure receptors. No wonder sex is often considered dirty!

One of the keys to great sex is body confidence, which you certainly won’t have if you’re worried about toots, ill-timed poops, or skid marks (yes, we’re talking about adults here). There are 8 simple steps you can take to keep your pipes clean and in good working order for whenever your two worlds of plumbing and pleasure collide (yes, we’re talking about butt play here, though really any sexual genital endeavor can benefit from the below).

1. Up Your Daily Dose of Fiber

It’s not something that young people often consider, but it can revolutionize your bathroom experience. You’ll make personal works of art that are firm and solid, which means less road kill on your Hershey Highway and a clean exit. It’ll also make you more regular — so no more surprise bombs right when you’re ready to slip into something more comfortable. You can up the fiber in your diet with foods like bran flakes, broccoli, raspberries, avocado and beans (though the latter may create other problems, see #2). But if you want real results in just 24 hours, add a tablespoon of psyllium husk powder to your morning orange juice (shaken, not stirred).

2. Lay Off the Gassy Foods

At least in the 24 hours before any hot dates. Because the only thing worse than passing gas during rigorous intercourse, is passing gas while enjoying oral attention. According to webMD, here are the big culprits:

  • Beans and lentils
  • Asparagus, broccoli, Brussels sprouts, cabbage, and other vegetables
  • Fructose, a natural sugar found in artichokes, onions, pears, wheat, and some soft drinks
  • Lactose, the natural sugar found in milk
  • Fruits, oat bran, peas, and other foods high in soluble fiber, which gets digested in your large intestine
  • Corn, pasta, potatoes, and other foods rich in starch
  • Sorbitol, the artificial sweetener
  • Whole grains, such as brown rice, oatmeal, and whole wheat

You might also consider taking lactase enzymes if you have trouble with diary products or “Beano” if you consume a lot of legumes (we’re looking at you vegetarians).

3. Wipe with Water

One of our favorite internet gems of all time from over 10 years ago (sadly our 5 second search for it turned up nothing) asked readers to imagine the following scenario: you go to some friends’ dinner party and, after the meal, watch the hosts clear everyone’s dishes, wipe them off with just some dry paper towels, and then put them away in the cabinets. You’d be horrified! You wouldn’t consider those dishes clean. And you certainly wouldn’t want to eat off them again. So why don’t we have the same standards for our butts? (Here’s another article that comes close to the first, and may just be an update of the original).

Dry toilet paper is certainly fine initially — it’s how you end that’s crucial. Water delivered in some fashion or another is essential. Here are your options:

The final option is the most affordable. Just be sure to replace with fresh water every day, no double dipping (obvs!), and invest in strong toilet paper that won’t deteriorate into dingleberries when wet.

4. Soap Your Starfish

Washing just your cheeks when you shower is not an option. You really gotta get in there. And we mean IN there. Suds your hands up with some natural soap and gently stick a finger (with a well-filed nail!) where the sun don’t shine — just one knuckle in is all you need. Repeat with water.

5. Use a Squatty Potty

You’ve probably seen the best commercial ever made:

The Squatty Potty is cheap and totally effective in reducing straining, increasing full elimination, and decreasing total time on the pot. You don’t want anything left inside you when you commence any hot monkey lovin’. Plus, hemorrhoids are not a fun sex accessory. So unkink your colon and squat when you go!

6. Use the Latest in Air Fresheners

Don’t ruin the mood with any unsexy smells wafting from the bathroom like an evil, green fog. Tackle the problem before you go with a spray that creates a film over the toilet water to trap the smell of your “kids” once you drop them off at the “pool.” The first to make a name for itself was Poo-Pourri, quickly followed by Squatty Potty’s own Unicorn Gold. Poo-Pourri has an entire of arsenal of online ads (crass but clever), but the Squatty Potty Prince pushing poo-prod will always have a special place in our hearts.

7. Put Down the Lid Before You Flush

Yep, microscopic fecal bacteria can be dispersed in aerosol plumes created by flushing (the more roiling the water, the bigger the invisible poo spray). More research needs to be done on whether this can really transmit any disease, but all scientists agree that it’s just plain gross. Don’t ruin your pre-sex shower with a post-shower open-lid flush (though really, you should be doing your business before your shower).

8. Please Wash Your Hands, PLEASE!

Always, every time. Even if it’s just for pee. At least 20 seconds of scrubbing with soap and hot water. Your partner wants an animal in bed, but not anywhere else.

Feeling clean & light & ready to go?
A Beginner’s Guide to Anal Play

Why Cultural/Religious Conservatives Shouldn’t Feel Bad About Masturbation or Sex Dreams

Dear Em & Lo,

I am a 28 year old man. I am a virgin and want to stay a virgin until I get married. I began masturbating when I was 18, but I’ve been masturbating in my dreams since I was 5 years old. This situation is a real inconvenience. I’m masturbating in my dreams 3 to 4 times a week. I dream I’m having sex once every 2 months. I am concerned that this will disturb my sexual performance when I get married. Plus, I am feeling so sorry after I masturbate in my dreams. Please advise. Thanks in advance.

— Dream Lover

Dear D.L.,

We’re guessing that your cultural and/or religious community does not condone premarital sex, promote sex education, or encourage sexual exploration, even if it’s just solo . . . even if we’re just talking about adults. That’s too bad, because sexual urges are completely normal, natural and nothing to be ashamed of.

And here we’re compelled to quote the sage wisdom of enlightened pop icon George Michael: “Sex is natural, sex is good, not everybody does it, but everybody should.”

Human bodies are designed (by evolution) to feel sexual desire and sensations, even from a young age — it’s what drives reproduction and the survival of our species! Trying to deny their existence or resist against them is like trying to deny or resist gravity — you can do it, but you’re not going to get very far. Which is not to say you should throw caution to the wind and engage in orgies every other night simply because, when it comes down to it, we’re all just sex animals. No, you should do what you’re comfortable with. Problem is: you don’t sound very comfortable right now.

If you’re a young, healthy adult, you’re body is going to have sexual tension that wants — we might go so far as to say needs — to be released. If you’re not having sex or masturbating very often, it’s going to find that release elsewhere, when your cultural/religious defenses are down, i.e. when you’re asleep. Your body is taking over and getting the satisfaction it requires. You shouldn’t feel guilty about this, you should feel grateful — you’re body is letting you off scot-free (or should we say getting you off scot-free?). “Hey, it’s not me actively having sex or masturbating, I’m asleep, it’s outside of my conscious control!”

Not that there’s anything wrong with actively having sex or masturbating regularly. While we doubt we can undo 28 years of anti-sex pedagogy, we can certainly try chipping away at some of it: If you want to wait to have sexual relations with another person until you’re married, then at least allow yourself the pleasure of regular masturbation and inadvertent wet dreams without guilt or shame. As long as it does not become a chronic or compulsive habit that keeps you from being a functioning member of society, then masturbation is a private act that you have every right to engage in for your own physical and mental health. Yes, masturbation is good for you! See 15 reasons why here.

Contrary to once-popular belief, masturbating and having sexual dreams is not harmful, sinful, or detrimental to (future) relationships. In fact, if anything’s going to “disturb your sexual performance” with your future spouse, it’s going to be your shame  about your sexuality, your dearth of sexual knowledge, and your likely lack of sexual endurance. Thinking of sexuality — yours and your future partner’s — as unnatural and shameful does not bode well for a mutually satisfying and supportive sexual relationship in marriage. Knowing your own body’s anatomy and how it works — and learning about your future partner’s anatomy and how it might work — will only improve your sexual performance with them. And  masturbating can give you (at least a little) sexual stamina for partnered sex (i.e. so you can avoid the “two pump chump” moniker) — something you and your spouse will probably appreciate on your wedding night.

You have nothing to feel sorry about. You’re a normal guy with a healthy sex drive. Try to rewrite the script you’ve been given that says sexual urges are bad. Give yourself the freedom to enjoy the (if you like) God-given pleasures of your earthly vessel, whether you’re married or not.  God wants you to! She told us herself.

Sex-ed missionaries,
Em & Lo

Want even more encouragement?
How to Masturbate with Style (If You’re a Man) 

In Honor of International Women’s Day: 7 Ways to Achieve Sexual Equality

Every year, March 8th is International Women’s Day, a political holiday that honors the struggles, achievements and hopes for women worldwide. Since its first observance in 1908, we’ve come along way, baby — but not nearly as far as you might think:

The World Economic Forum predicted in 2014 that it would take until 2095 to achieve global gender parity. Then one year later in 2015, they estimated that a slowdown in the already glacial pace of progress meant the gender gap wouldn’t close entirely until 2133.

That was some pretty depressing news, courtesy of the International Women’s Day website back in 2016. Then last year, according to the site:

With the World Economic Forum’s 2017 Global Gender Gap Report findings telling us that gender parity is over 200 years away – there has never been a more important time to keep motivated…And with global activism for women’s equality fueled by movements like #MeToo#TimesUp and more, there is a strong global momentum striving for gender parity.

Two-hundred years?! Why is our goal getting farther away rather than closer? It’s just more evidence that we’ve got to keep fighting, stay vigilant, and not get complacent.

Every IWD has a theme. A few years ago it was gender parity; last year it was #PressForProgress; and this year it’s #BalanceForBetter.  But every year is basically dedicated to the same thing: equality for women. It’s about advancing women in the workplace, rooting out workplace bias, fighting for equal pay, helping women and girls achieve their ambitions, calling for gender-balanced leadership, respecting and valuing difference, and developing more inclusive and flexible cultures.

Being a dating & mating advice site, our own focus is, not surprisingly, on equality in the bedroom. So here are 7 steps any gal can take to make sure her bed is an even playing field:

1. Orgasm equity!

Everyone deserves equal amounts of pleasure. Make sure your partner at least tries to give you an orgasm for every one you help give them. If they can’t, go ahead and give yourself one! And if they won’t even put in any effort, again give one to yourself and then get a new partner.

2. Thumbs Down Slut-Shaming.

Don’t talk trash about women with enthusiastic sex drives. Do not make yourself feel bad or guilty about your own enthusiastic sex drive, whether solo or with partners.  Don’t get hung up on body counts (i.e. the number of people you’ve had sex with compared to the number of people your partner or your friends have). And stand-up for yourself when someone tries to shame you for being a sexual creature. Like reader Bklynbug once commented, “I refuse to be labeled by others. I have sex with whomever I choose, whenever I choose. I am empowered by my sexuality.”

3. Know Your Body.

Love your body. Don’t be ashamed about your body. Explore it with your hands and your eyes — externally and internally. Don’t leave it up to someone else to figure out how your body works and what makes it tick! Masturbate regularly, whether you’re single or in a relationship. And be sure to communicate your body’s desires to any partner.

4. Take Control of Your Sexual Health.

And we’re talking both physically and mentally.  Carry your own barrier protection, whether condoms or dental dams. Use a back-up form of birth control correctly (e.g. no skipping any Pills, if that’s what you use). Get yourself checked regularly for STDs; and speak up with your doctor about which tests you want done (a pap smear won’t catch everything). Talk with your partner openly, honestly and without shame (see #2) about your and their sexual history — that doesn’t necessarily mean the number of partners, that means STD test dates and results.

Never do anything you don’t want to do; say no clearly and confidently if you’re ever uncomfortable — whether your tipsy on a first date or you’ve been married for 30 years. If you’re sexually assaulted or raped, report it to the authorities immediately and see a doctor. And if you see someone who can’t take control of their own sexual health — because they’re impaired or being controlled or manipulated — step in (safely, of course).

5. Invest in Your Pleasure.

You and your body are worth it. And studies have shown that women who masturbate and use sex toy experience higher rates of sexual satisfaction both alone and with partners. The right toy — like a small, remote-controlled vibrator worn during intercourse — might just be the key to unlocking a stubborn orgasm. A well-made rabbit can improve masturbation, giving you more sexual confidence. Even something as simple — and affordable — as lubricant or a blindfold can transform sex for you. Avoid cheap novelty toys; instead, go for quality design, body-safe materials (no phthalates, BPA-free), recharge-ability, care & cleaning instructions and warranties. Try to find erotic materials that appeal to you, whether that’s female-produced porn by someone like Erika Lust, sexy graphic novels, short fantasies on LELO, erotica anthologies, bodice-ripper paperbacks, or even just something steamy on Hulu like old episodes of “The L Word.”

6. Promote Decent Sex Ed.

Fight for comprehensive sexuality education and against abstinence-only programs in your local schools. If you’ve got kids, talk to them regularly about anatomy (use the correct terms!), sexuality (awkward but important!), safety, consent and respect. Get them copies of Cory Silverberg’s amazing “What Makes a Baby” (6 yrs old & younger) and “Sex Is a Funny Word” if they’re between 7 and 10 (stay tuned for his forthcoming teen book). Until then, get them “Sex: The All-You-Need-To-Know Progressive Sexuality Guide to Get You Through High School and College.” Get yourself your own adult sex ed books, manuals and guides — you can always keep learning about sex! And brush up right here on how bodies work. After all, a high sexual I.Q. will give you more confidence and pleasure. Talk to your friends of all orientations and genders about sex tips, sexual politics, feminism, and gay & gender issues to broaden your — and their — horizons (try to refrain from being judgmental).

7. Fight for Your Reproductive Rights.

They’re in serious jeopardy right now: as of last year, states have enacted at over 1,100 abortion restrictions since Roe v. Wade! And when reproductive rights are taken away, women lose. We lose privacy, autonomy, financial security and self-determination. Make no mistake, when you can’t make decisions about your own body, you are disempowered. And we’re not just talking about access to safe abortions, we’re talking about access to affordable birth control, family planning information, and cancer screenings. We can’t afford to go backwards. So follow Planned Parenthood Action and Reproductive Health Reality Check (aka RH Reality Check) on Facebook to get important updates on threats to women’s rights and how you can fight back — locally, nationally and internationally.

This post has been updated.

Want more health-positive tips?
Top 10 Unsexy Things That Can Improve Your Sex Life

I Can Orgasm Easily, What’s Wrong with Me?!
high volt orgasms (image shows voltage meter going off the scale)

Dear Em & Lo,

I’ve never been a girl who has difficulty reaching an orgasm.  I started masturbating in college and learned pretty quickly what I like and what I do.  Now when I’m with a guy, I find that I get off — really quickly and really hard.  With my most recent hook-up, we were fully clothed and I came screaming hard.  I’ve read so much about girls not being able to get off and I’m worried that something might be wrong with me.  And I’m also really worried that guys will think that I’m faking.  What should I do?

— Getting Worried About Getting Off

Dear GWAGO,

Now, we try to take every question we get seriously. But come on, this is a joke, right? You can’t possibly be serious!

Okay, okay, we’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and trust for the moment that you’re really concerned about this. Our advice: don’t be! You have a gift — enjoy it!

Yes, plenty of women with vaginas have trouble reaching orgasm, especially with a partner — whether because they’re young, they don’t masturbate, their partner isn’t providing the right stimulation, they’re not communicating to their partner what the right kind of stimulation is, they have body image issues, they’re stressed or depressed, they’ve experienced sexual trauma in the past, or their plumbing is a little different. For some heterosexual women — in fact, the majority of hetero women — it can be extra difficult during intercourse since the old in-out often doesn’t provide the kind of clitoral attention they need to reach their happy place. But there are many lucky, lucky women who can reach orgasm fairly effortlessly. This is a good thing.

Now, if you were having spontaneous orgasms every hour — in the middle of an office meeting, during sad movies, while talking to your parents on the phone — then that could be a real problem: a rare but real condition called persistent genital arousal disorder. But you’re simply orgasming easily when you want to — during masturbation and hookups with guys you like. Again, what’s the problem here?

We think most guys will love your enthusiastic reaction to being with them. If you really fear they’ll start thinking you’re too good to be true, simply reassure them that you’re not faking: you just happen to know what you want and your body always cooperates wholeheartedly while your mind doesn’t let any hangups get in the way. To be nice, you could also add that you’re just so turned on by the guy in question, he makes it easy! We’re guessing 99.999% of the time they’ll take your word for it.

Now stop your fretting and go with the flow before you give yourself a hangup!

Em & Lo

I CAN’T Orgasm Easily
What Can I Do?

10 Steps to Winning Valentine’s Day (with Just 1 Trip to the Grocery Store!)

Short on time? Don’t want to spend a lot of money? But still want to acknowledge your undying affection on Valentine’s Day? All it takes is one trip to the grocery store, a little effort, and a lot of love.

1. NO Red Roses!

Go with their favorite flower instead — it’s less cliche, more personal.  

2. Do Your Partner a Favor

Fix something they need help with, organize their junk drawer, wash their car, fold their laundry, mow their lawn . . .

3. Make Dinner Together

No need for reservations at a fancy restaurant (they’re too late to get now, anyway). Get the ingredients for a favorite meal, turn on some good music, and heat things up in the kitchen. Set the table with the good dishes, light some candles, use cloth napkins.

4. Skip the Heart-Shaped Box of Chocolates

But that doesn’t mean you forgo the sweets altogether. DO have something decadent & elegant. 

5. Write a “Love List

Love letters can be daunting. But a detailed list of everything you adore about your partner will just flow. And it’ll have the same heart-warming impact. (You can find more detailed instructions HERE.)

6. Or Just Crib from Classic Poetry

Borrow from the best — they won’t mind (they’re dead): Walt Whitman, Edna St. Vincent Millay, e.e. cummings, John Donne, Christina Rossetti… Check out our curated collection of sexy, romantic poetry HERE

7. Draw Your Partner a Bath

Use bubbles, oils or salts. Light some more candles. Wash their hair for them.

8. Give a Great Massage

Who doesn’t love a good body rub? Put on some relaxing music, use oil, and make sure the room is warm. You can learn all the best techniques from our friends at Melt: Massage for Couples (they always have a Valentine’s Day Sale!). 

9. Try Something New in Bed

Like a new toy (LELO.com makes all the best ones), a new technique (know where the PS-spot is?), a new position (have you mastered the C.A.T.?), a new lube, a new condom, anything! Just make sure it’s something you’re absolutely sure they’ll like (because Valentine’s Day is not the time to introduce strap-ons into your relationship). 

10. Cuddle

For longer than usual.

This post has been updated. 

For more details on all of the above, read
Our Special Valentine’s Day Issue

Save 25% on Sexy Valentine’s Day Gifts!

Valentine’s Day is coming faster than you think, and if you’re among the majority of people who were none too pleased with what cupid brought last year, there’s no better time than now to make sure you both get something you want with some sexy Valentine’s Day gifts from our friends at LELO. All of the below are best-sellers on sale for at least 25% off over the next week. You’ll get free shipping on orders over $50 and a free surprise gift on orders over $150!

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IDA
on sale for $119

IDA is all about choice. Defined by the creativity and exploration it allows: IDA doesn’t tell you how to use it, it lets you and your partner choose together. Its slender arm can be slipped inside and the powerful vibrations and rotations wirelessly controlled, so there’s no awkward fumbling and no disruption to your pleasure. IDA is silky smooth and bends to complement your bodies in all your favorite positions.

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MIA 2
on sale for $63

The perfect toy for newbies who may be a little intimidated by toys. The USB-rechargeable MIA 2 massager possesses hidden power and looks perfectly at home in a purse or bedside drawer. But the shape has been specifically molded to target the clitoris for fast, intense climaxes.

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TOR 2
on sale for $104

LELO’s wearable couples’ ring offers additional stamina as well as added –ahem! – presence for the wearer, while both partners delight in the strongest vibrations from any couples’ ring on the market.

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TIANI 2
on sale for $119

Worn within while making love, intense external vibrations that enhance intercourse for both partners and can be controlled via wireless remote controls with groundbreaking SenseMotion technology. Fully waterproof & rechargeable, and always ready for travel or use in the bath or shower.Of course, Valentine’s Day is a special occasion, so the TIANI 24k is the option that comes sealed with a 24k gold kiss! (Though still on sale, prepare to spend the bigs bucks on that!)

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SMART WAND
on sale for $119

No other cordless massager even comes close to the world-famous LELO Smart Wand Medium for life-changing pleasure. The ultra-quiet vibrations build on contact with your body and the intensity increases naturally. The rechargeable Smart Wand does away with cables – you get all the power of mains charging with more maneuverability.

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Presenting your sweetheart with a LELO lets them know exactly what’s on your mind not only for Valentine’s Night, but also on all the cold winter evenings still to come.

The Science/Poetry of Kissing

We once heard an interview on NPR with Sheril Kirshenbaum, author of the book “The Science of Kissing: What Our Lips Are Telling Us.” (It was was timed perfectly to come out about a month before Valentine’s Day). The question came up: Are we the only species that kisses? To which Kirshenbaum answered:

…Well, scientists have to be very careful when we want to talk about the emotions and the motivations of other species, because we can’t pretend to know what drives them. So instead of words like love, we’ll say things like mate selection or selective perceptivity. But then when you look around the animal kingdom, that said, we see a lot of behaviors that look a lot like kissing. As mentioned before, bonobos have been spotted to suck on each other’s tongues for about 12 minutes straight. We see turtles tapping heads, giraffes entwining their necks. I have a dog. Dogs will lick any noun – you know, person, place or thing. So we see a lot of similar-looking behaviors, and if we’re willing to broaden the definition of kissing to this kissing-like behavior, which is actually what Charles Darwin did, then I think that we can say that we do see similar behaviors in other species for reasons from affection to grooming to social hierarchy to conflict.

Which reminded us of this old (1990) book of photographs called “A Kiss Is Just a Kiss” that had a fun, little intro by the great Tom Robbins:

Kissing is the glory of the human species. All animals copulate, but only humans kiss. Parakeets rub beaks? Sure they do, but only those little old ladies who murder schoolchildren with knitting needles to steal their lunch money so they can buy fresh kidneys for kittycats could place bird-billing in the realm of the true kiss. There are primatologists who claim that apes exchange oral affection, but from here the sloppy smacks of chims look pretty rudimentary…No, random beast-to-beast snout friction may give narrators of wildlife films an opportunity to plumb new depths of anthropomorphic cuteness, but it doesn’t cut the cherub-flavored mustard in the osculation department.

There wasn’t a lick (no pun intended) of science in that intro. And while there’s a ton of science in Kirshenbaum’s book, we get the impression (from interviews and reviews — admittedly, we haven’t read it) that there aren’t a lot of hard and fast conclusions. Just best guesses. Which is just as well. Because it’s nice to leave a few things to the imagination, to the realm of poetry and wonder when it comes to love and romance. Robbins concludes:

No other flesh like lip flesh! No meat like mouth meat! The musical clink of tooth against tooth! The wonderful curiosity of tongues!

This post has been updated.

Looking to improve your lip-locking?
Check out our Special Issue on KISSING

I Keep Dreaming About Sex with My Husband’s Friend

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex & relationships. If you’ve got a good one, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg just might tell you what it means! Click here to submit yours (18 and older only for dream interpretations, please). This week, a reader asks Lauri about dreaming of “having sex with my husband’s friend.”

I have a reoccurring dream where I have sex with my husband’s friend and coworker. I’ve literally only met this guy 3 or 4xs. He’s the quiet type so I don’t know much about him except what my husband “gossips” to me about. In real life I don’t ever think of cheating or doing anything to hurt my husband in any way. We have frequent, great sex & I have no complaints there, but I can’t figure out why I’m having very explicit sex dreams every other night or so. Always with the same person. I need help understanding what my dream is trying to tell me. Please help!  

Lauri: First, let’s be clear about whether you are having cheating dreams or sex dreams? A cheating dream is when you are aware in the dream that the sex you are having is outside of your marriage. A sex dream would be sex with no awareness that you are married… not until you wake up.

If it’s a cheating dream, then that tells me there may be something you are giving a lot of time, thought, energy or attention to that your subconscious feels is taking away from the marriage. Do you have a job, a new baby, or some other activity or behavior that, when you think about it, is like a third wheel in the marriage? If so, that is why you are getting these dreams so much. And for some reason, hubby’s co-worker symbolizes that. My guess is that it has something to do with what your hubby gossips about. Take a good look at what he has told you about him and see if you can find a common thread between that and whatever it is that you have been doing or giving energy to.

If it’s just a sex dream, then it is not likely that you have a hidden attraction to your hubby’s co-worker but rather have an attraction to something about him. Again, examine what it is your husband has told you about him. Is there something in that, which you desire for yourself? Or is there something about his personality that could be useful to you should you incorporate it into your personality? For example, you described him as the quiet type. Are you the type that speaks before thinking? Says more than you should? Perhaps being more reserved and quiet is what you need to take on. Ask yourself what stands out about him. Whatever comes to mind first… or even second… is likely what it is. Remember, most sex dreams aren’t about a physical union you want but rather a psychological union you need. 

 I hope this helps. We look forward to hearing back from you.

Visit Lauri’s site:
WhatYourDreamMeans.com

Get Laurie’s Book!

Dream On It

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(Mention Em & Lo for 10% OFF!):

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4 Ways to Improve Doggy Style

Voted as an absolute favourite among the sexually active, doggy style has been wildly popular as the best position to hit the spot…the G-spot, that is! But for those who aren’t convinced, here are four techniques that’ll enhance your from-behind experience so that you can receive maximum pleasure every time.

The Lazy Doggy Style

According to sex expert, Dr. Pam Spurr, ditching the classic doggy style could actually prove more beneficial when it comes to hot doggy style sex. She recommends that the woman rests her weight on her elbows as her partner thrusts her from behind, calling this position “The Lazy Doggy Style.

In this way, her pelvis is raised and tilted, making it a perfect position to hit the G-spot. Additionally, to enhance the experience, he should try circular movements with his hips to make sure that the surrounding areas are stimulated too.

Clitoral Stimulation, Simultaneously

It’s true that many women find it difficult to orgasm via penetration, and that they respond positively to clitoral stimulation – and this is totally possible while in the doggy style position.

When a woman is receiving her partner whilst in the doggy style position, she could use one free hand, with or without a vibrator, and go to town. This also allows the receiver to touch herself and control her orgasm just the way she likes it.

Eye Contact…Yes, Really!

Eye contact during doggy style? It is indeed possible…by using a mirror. For those who find it intensely erotic to see themselves during sex, a mirror may just the perfect little twist when it comes to doing it doggy style.

Strategically place a mirror, or even opt for quick bathroom sex, and enjoy seeing two bodies — your bodies — intertwined. Also, seeing the passion and enjoyment in your partner’s eyes can be a major turn on.

Two to Tango

For some women, doggy style seems like the perfect time in which to do less of the work, but the age-old expression, “It takes two to tango,” fits perfectly in this scenario.

For good sex, both partners should be in sync, connected, and working together to create a tryst of sexual stimulation. Both partners should work together, using their hips (and actually, their entire bodies) to create a kind of dance, trying new rhythms and styles to reach the perfect position.

Additionally, adding the aspect of dirty talk to your sexual adventures can stimulate both of you, both physically and mentally. In fact, when one engages in dirty talk, it activates the same area of the brain that is stimulated when one uses curse words!

So whether you’re a fan of doggy style or not, this sex position is not as black and white as you may have thought! And these four tips can take your doggy style game from zero to hero, hopefully bringing about increased pleasure, intense connections, and ideally fantastic orgasms.

This is a LELO partner post.