All posts by Em & Lo

Dear Em & Lo: Should I Date Him If He's About to Relocate?
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moving_truckphoto by bimurch

Dear Em & Lo,

I met a boy a few weeks ago and things have been fantastic. We had been talking occasionally in a coffee shop as friends, and one day we decided to be really spontaneous and take a road trip. We ended up discovering a lot of chemistry that night. The next day, I left for Florida for a week. We talked a lot that week, and have been seeing each other a lot since I got back. It’s like something out of a movie, too good to be true. And it is. Here’s the catch: He is currently applying for jobs that will result in him leaving the city. I am okay with knowing he might leave, and want to enjoy being with him while he’s here. He says he is concerned that he won’t feel right getting into anything very serious while knowing that he is doing all he can to leave the city.

Basically, he doesn’t want to go backwards, but he doesn’t want to move forward at all either. I am afraid that I won’t be able to freeze in time, and that I will start to get upset when things aren’t moving forward. I don’t know whether I should cut my losses now, say it was a great few weeks and leave it at that, or if I should stick around knowing it’s not going anywhere.

I like how things are for us now, and I didn’t expect marriage or babies anytime in the future (I’m still in college and planning on grad school), something just feels weird to me about limiting it, saying this is how much I’ll care about you and no more. But I also don’t want to give him up. Help!

— Stuck in Love Limbo

Dear S.I.L.L.,

Normally, we’d say go for it! You’re young, you’re having fun, neither of you is interested in marriage or babies, so enjoy it while it lasts. Even if he wasn’t moving, odds are you’d eventually break up anyway (after all, you’re still in college, you’ve got a lot of living to do before settling down), so at least this way, with him moving away, you’ve got a less painful, built-in end to things.

But…

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Just Broke Up? Get a Breakover!
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hair_color_samplesphoto by House of Sims

When it comes to revenge after a breakup (and if you’re the dumpee, you know you want it), there are two approaches: the high road and the low road. A breakover is all high road — it’s the kind of revenge that benefits you, rather than directly harming your ex, bodily or otherwise. Join a gym where you can literally work off all your anger and aggression in pursuit of a hot body to make your dumper eat their heart out; the idea of your ex seeing you in the best shape of your life will actually inspire you to work out longer and harder (listening to the Flashdance soundtrack also helps). Did your ex nag you for six months to quit smoking? So quit now. Take that, fool! Truthfully, this one can be a little tough at first but you could always ditch the cigs for a vape instead and wean yourself off the nicotine. That way, you have the satisfaction of winding your ex up but also get to relax using the vape too. Plus, if you get some of the Juicy Vapes Atlanta offers, there are so many flavors to choose from you won’t even miss the real cigarettes. Get a new haircut, go shopping for a hot new wardrobe, and make a shitload of money either by winning the lottery or finally getting your own dance-studio business off the ground. Splurge on a high-end sex toy for you or your next partner and put the sex you had with your ex to shame. Ha!

For more on breakups, check out BUH BYE: The Ultimate Guide to Dumping and Getting Dumped.

Confession: Shakespeare in Lust
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venus_and_adonisVenus and Adonis photo by griannan

Our contributor Lisa DiCarlucci, a Print Journalism major and English minor at Hofstra University, has a confession to make:

The expense of spirit in a waste of shame
Is lust in action; and till action, lust
Is perjured, murderous, bloody, full of blame,
Savage, extreme, rude, cruel, not to trust,
Enjoy’d no sooner but despised straight,
Past reason hunted, and no sooner had
Past reason hated, as a swallow’d bait
On purpose laid to make the taker mad;
Mad in pursuit and in possession so;
Had, having, and in quest to have, extreme;
A bliss in proof, and proved, a very woe;
Before, a joy proposed; behind, a dream.
All this the world well knows; yet none knows well
To shun the heaven that leads men to this hell.

I am blushing as my English professor reads aloud this excerpt from Shakespeare’s 129th Sonnet because it perfectly describes my relationship with the boy sitting next to me in class — the boy whose bones I can’t help but want to jump.

Let’s call him William. This is not the first class I’ve had with William. We sat across from each other in another class and I thought he was insightful, funny, adorable. He’s the mysterious academic with an off-beat sense of humor — my favorite type. While I was completely attracted to him at the time, I was involved with someone else and swept my feelings under the rug. A few months ago, my newly single self decided to strike up a conversation with William and our chemistry was apparent from the get-go. We began talking regularly and eventually started hanging out, which mostly consisted of him coming over, watching a movie, and making out with me.

One particularly passionate evening I attempted to seal the deal, but as that other William once said, alcohol “provokes the desire but it takes away the performance.” So my desire was provoked but his performance was, well, lacking. Our goodbye that night was awkward as a result, but he seemed
genuinely eager to see me again….

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Your Call: Should She Fight for Her Ex?
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no_u_turn_signphoto by briannaorg

We feel just awful that we can’t answer every single advice question we get, but we figure that any answer is better than no answer at all. Which is why, once a week, we’ll let you guys decide how to advise a reader. Make your call by filling out the poll after the jump:

Dear Em & Lo,

My boyfriend moved out in January; we had been together almost three years. We were having financial problems, he was out of work, and in my eyes he wasn’t trying hard enough to find a job.  They say hindsight is 20-20, I look back and realize that I pushed a good man away, between my insecurities and my constant bickering and lack of trust. I’ve spent the past few months “working” on myself, just spending time at home going back over my relationship. And now I feel like I’m really ready to be with him again. He on the other hand jumped into a relationship with another woman. I don’t blame him because I physically and emotionally pushed him away. It’s a classic case of a rebound relationsip. I guess my question is how long do I wait to try and win him back? We have a lot of mutual friends who say this and that, but I want an opinion from someone on the outside.

— Second Thoughts

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Dream Interpretation: My Boyf Knocked Someone Up
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pregnant_blackdressphoto by JordanFischer

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means (after the jump). This week, a straight woman asks Lauri:

A few nights after a really nice, sunny day spent with my boyfriend and my family, I had this dream that really bothered me.  In the dream, he’s just come back from a long trip, like a study-abroad deal or something.  We share a few really intimate moments — no sex, but completely charged with attraction and desire, lots of touching — and then settle down to talk in my living room under the silent assumption we will eventually have sex. We are holding hands and leaning on each other, and suddenly there is this anonymous girl there with us. She brings up a shocking bit of news — that my boyfriend has impregnated some hussy while abroad! He is totally ashamed and repentant, and while I get a little angry, I mostly stay cool-headed and even say, “Let’s not have a stupid fight” (I remember this line very clearly).  I walk out of the room angrily once, but then quickly return and accept him and propose a way for us to work through this trial. Of course, our potential for welcome-back sex is ruined.

This dream shocked me because it is totally out of character for both me and my boyfriend.  We have been very committed to one another for close to two years; we have a stable, happy, passionate relationship; and we are very honest and open with one another. He is more introverted around others (so no hussies for him!), and I am not nearly this cool-tempered. And though we have not yet had intercourse on the basis of taking things slow and smart, we have engaged in other sex acts. We do live an hour apart, but I see him most weekends and will be with him from the summer onward.

What is this dream saying? Help! (more…)

Date Rape Is So Funny We Forgot to Laugh
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We’re still not sure why Seth Rogen and Anna Faris are America’s comedic sweethearts. We loved Knocked Up just as much as the next guy, but haven’t the overweight stoner and dumb blonde jokes been done to death? Well, they are America’s comedic sweethearts, which we guess is why Warner Brothers, plenty of movie critics, and much of America’s movie-goers have found the apparent date rape scene between these two stars in Observe and Report HI-larious.

From the looks of the rated-R trailer — she’s pounding shots, she’s throwing up, she’s unable to walk, she’s passed out, he’s having sex with her — it’s probably date rape, even if she comes to midway and groggily asks for more. But maybe the actual movie has some context we’re missing that makes it all okay…? Admittedly, we haven’t seen the the film, but assuming New York magazine’s Vulture is right, we’re not gonna see it, because according to them, there is no other context: “It turns out that yes, by any reasonable standard of behavior, Seth Rogen’s character….totally rapes Faris’s…”

Read the rest of this post on SUNfiltered

Blog Snog (04-10-09)
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cherryphoto by Tim Wilson

A weekly roundup of sex- and love-related posts from some of our favorite blogs and websites:

Andrew Trees on Decoding Love
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decoding_love00011photo via Decoding Love.com

If your Magic 8 Ball is a less-than-reliable dating guide, then author Andrew Trees has a better idea: Why not turn to the latest studies in economics, neurochemistry and game theory instead? We chatted with him about his latest book, Decoding Love: Why It Takes Twelve Frogs to Find a Prince and Other Revelations from the Science of Attraction.

Em & Lo: What’s your favorite scientific tidbit you gleaned from this book, the one you were most likely to break out at cocktail parties? Andrew Trees:

I loved telling people about how testicle size in a species is an indicator of female promiscuity, and how men have relatively big testicles — in other words, women have been getting busy for quite some time.

Can you give us an example of how understanding economic theories can work to your advantage in the dating world?

There are all sorts of ways in which economists can put dollar figures on various aspects of dating. Height is the most obvious example.  Researchers discovered that a 5’6″ man has to earn $175,000 a year more than a six foot tall man if he wants to overcome his height disadvantage in the dating market. That’s a hefty premium. If you are a 5’4″ woman, why not wear flats and try dating a shorter man? And if you are a short guy, buy some lifts.

Read the rest of this post on SUNfiltered

Gay Marriage — All the Cool Kids Are Doing It
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barneysphoto by Maxintosh

Love must really be in the spring air this week: not one, but two states have legalized gay marriage in less than 7 days! Last Friday it was Iowa, and just this past Tuesday it was Vermont.  That brings the grand total of cool states dedicated to marriage equality up to four, including Massachusetts (which made it legal in 2004) and Connecticut (in 2008). And as if to put a cherry on top, the D.C. Council just voted, on Tuesday as well, to recognize same-sex marriages from other states, just as New York does. Fingers crossed there will now be a domino effect on other states, especially during these tough economic times, not only when the financial benefits of marriage (joint credit, health care coverage, inheritance rights) are really important for couples who might be struggling, but when states could really use an influx of cash via the wedding industrial complex…

Read the rest of this post on SUNfiltered

The Case of the Naughty Library Book
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sex_howtodo_missingthe cover of our scandalous (at least in Michigan) book

We probably shouldn’t be as tickled pink as we are over the fact that the presence of our humble little book, SEX: How to Do Everything, in a Michigan public library ruffled one pastor’s starched feathers so much that he filed an official complaint which resulted in an actual news article about it in The Lansing Journal yesterday!:

If Pastor Brian Henley were your 12-year-old son and he told you how he came across the book, “Sex: How to do Everything,” you might not believe him.

Henley said he was strolling through the Holt-Delhi Library recently when he spotted a book on the floor.

“I picked it up and opened it and saw full naked real-life images,” Henley wrote in an e-mail to me.

The piece, which reads like an Encyclopedia Brown mystery (how exactly did the pastor come upon the book, eh? why have all three copies of the book in the library district now gone missing?) is HI-lariously deconstructed by the blogger Ironicus Maximus here. In response to the quote from the pastor in the piece about how he “was not objecting to the book and the freedom of adults to use it (even though I am a pastor, and don’t approve of that type of material),” Maximus writes:

Right. The last thing we want is for people to learn how to do that sex stuff better. You know what that leads to don’t you? Why the wimmen folks will all be wantin’ to have them there whatdayacallit, Organisms? Then they’d start reading Cosmo and be all, “you never consider my feelings” and who needs that kind of pressure, you know?

Wait, it gets even better! Sarah Redman, the adult selection specialist for the Capital Area District Library, became our new hero by responding to the complaint in a letter which read, in part:

“Thank you for taking the time to express your concerns about our inclusion of ‘Sex: How to do Everything’ … I can certainly understand that the authors’ use of photos of a nude man and woman to illustrate the information could be disconcerting.

“Our patrons are interested in how-to manuals on every topic imaginable and sex is no exception. The use of high-quality, clear and instructive illustrations enhances the written text for books about plumbing repair and rose gardening. They are also helpful, although more unexpected, in books which help individuals understand their sexuality.”

Redman went on to say she found the photos in the book “clearly related to the written information the authors were sharing about safe practices, anatomy, sexual fantasies and aids and the wide variety of approaches couples can use for intercourse.”

As for the question of whether the book should be accessible to minors, Redman said the book is in the adult section of the library and that it’s up to parents to decide if their children should have access to that material.

We really should send her some flowers.

The Island of Misfit Toys
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vibrator_plastic_manphoto by hyperscholar

When it comes to breaking up with an old, used, or dysfunctional sex toy, dumping it at the dump isn’t the most environmentally friendly thing you can do. A lot of toys are made of plastics and PVC, which never really go away, so tossing it (and its batteries) in your trash can, while easy, is hard on the planet. So next time, send it to Recycle Your Sex Toys, a new non-profit program launched last December that allows you to recycle your Pocket Rockets and vibrating love rings like they were soda cans or newspapers. (You can join their Facebook Group here.) Just send your cleaned (please!) used toys to their warehouse. There they will be cleaned some more (which is no excuse not to clean it yourself first!) and disassembled. The various parts will be sent off to the appropriate recycling facilities that process the materials for reuse…

Read the rest of this post on SUNfiltered

And My Parents Don't Know I'm Gay? Part 2: Martha
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martha_stewartfrom “Classic Crafts and Recipes for the Holidays: Christmas with Martha Stewart Living”

This is the second in a multi-part series by our contributor Anonymous Bosch, a student on the west coast who won’t reveal any more details. Well, except these:

I like nothing more than spending a sunny afternoon on the beach with The Gospel according to Martha in my lap. You see, in my world, Martha Stewart is one of my gods, right along with David Remnick and Kathy Griffin. I like to think that Martha was put on Earth to decorate for all our domestic design sins.

After Vogue, Martha Stewart Living was my favorite magazine in my mother’s monthly cycle of subscriptions. Around the holidays, it became my third nipple, held close to my chest should quick reference be necessary to solve some housekeeping conundrum. One year when I was a teenager, inspired by the genius in that season’s MSL, I told my mother we were going to host the most spectacular New Year’s party ever. She nodded and said she wasn’t going to change up her annual routine, but if I wanted to update some elements of the evening I could go right ahead. She had no idea what kind of magic was about to be made.

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10 Things You Probably Didn’t Know About Asexuality
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photo via flickr

An article by the director of a new documentary about asexuality reminded us that “asexual” is one of those terms that gets thrown around in casual conversation so much that it’s easy to forget what it really means (kind of like “passive-aggressive”). So here’s a brief primer for you.

1. Asexuality is not a choice. Celibacy is a choice; asexuality is a sexual orientation, just like being straight or gay.

2. The official definition of asexuality is “someone who does not experience sexual attraction.” (Being too tired to have sex or too closeted to have the kind of sex you really want doesn’t count.)

3. Being asexual doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t masturbate. Many asexuals have a sex drive, it just doesn’t translate into wanting sex with someone else.

4. Being asexual doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t experience attraction, either — it just means you just don’t feel the need to act on it sexually.

5. When Kinsey created his scale of sexual orientation, where 0 was completely homosexual and 6 was completely heterosexual, he included a separate category, “X,” for those who weren’t either one — or anything in between. They just plain didn’t care about sex. He labeled 1.5% of adult males “X”.

6. A 1994 study found that 1.05% of respondents had “never felt sexually attracted to anyone at all.”

7. A 1982 survey of Playboy readers found that 2% of respondents were asexual.

8. A larger proportion of women than men identify as asexual.

9. Another study found that 33.57% of asexuals have problems with self-esteem, which probably has little to do with the asexuality itself and a lot to do with a culture that hyper-sexualizes everything, including instant rice!

10. According to Asexuality.org, because asexuals don’t care about sex, they generally don’t see their lack of sexual arousal as a problem that needs fixing: “Asexual people are fine not having sex; if you think that your lack of interest in sex is a problem then you should consult a doctor or therapist.”

This post also appeared on SUNfiltered
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