All posts by Em & Lo

Your Call: Should She Go Downtown?

We feel just awful that we can’t answer every single advice question we get, but we figure that any answer is better than no answer at all. Which is why, once a week, we’ll let you guys decide how to advise a reader. Make your call by filling out the poll after the jump:

Dear Em & Lo,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for close to five months now, and we care about one another deeply. In the very beginning, I told him that I was not comfortable giving oral sex. He replied that it was fine, and he respects my decision. Our sex life is great! And for the past month or so I’ve been thinking about finally going downtown on him. My problem is that I’m concerned that if I am uncomfortable, I do not want him to be disappointed or expect me to do it all the time. Should I just go ahead and go it, or should I discuss this with him first?

— Uptown Girl

(more…)

Do It Tonight! Be Kind to the Waitstaff

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waiter photo by independentman

On a dinner date, always be courteous to the waitstaff. Never snap, clap, cry “Waiter,” or worse, “Garcon!” to get your attendant’s attention; wait until you catch your server’s eye, then simply nod, gently raise your eyebrows, or, as a last resort, raise your hand. Say please and thank you — never say “Give me the steak frites…” If the food’s taking a long time, consider it an opportunity to get to know your date without worrying whether you have spinach in your teeth. And if you must complain about something — perhaps you’re vegan and the waiter brings you steak tartare, or perhaps there really is a fly in your soup — then do it nicely. It’s probably not the waiter’s fault, after all. Finally, if you’re responsible for the tip, make it 20%. We don’t care if your standard policy is 10% (or “whatever change is in my pocket”); on a date, you make it 20, you cheap bastard. Why? Well, if human decency isn’t enough to compel you, then consider this: If you are in any way rude and obnoxious to the service industry professionals, it will suggest to your date that you have the potential to be rude and obnoxious to anyone. And that, our friend, does not get you laid.

Dream Interpretation: My Mom Walked in on Me & Lil Wayne

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lil_wayne photo by killa_kam

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. This week, a woman asks Lauri:

I had this dream the other night where my mom and I were on vacation and the rapper I like, Lil Wayne, was staying at the same hotel. My mom and I got to meet him and later I went back to my room with Wayne. While we were having sex, my mom walked in on us. Weird dream! (more…)

A New Word for Webster’s: Melon Balling

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It’s official! That unspeakable term for the act involving a woman’s boobies and a man’s peen is out — and “melon balling” is in! Arbitrarily and without warning, we closed the polls today on the election of a new word to replace the awful…don’t make us say it (you know, it’s the one with the initials T.F.). It was a close call between “boob job” and “melon balling,” but just like in our last presidential election, the better choice won. (Congratulations and many thanks to Dave W. who recommended the term in response to our first post on the topic.) While the original term had an immature aggression to it, the new one has a sweet, playful tone — which is always nice when it comes to sexual terms (even terms referencing acts that can be truly raunchy). “Boob job” is fun too, but its more common meaning of breast augmentation would have only resulted in mass confusion. Now that “melon balling” has won, it’s time to wholeheartedly embrace this neologism. Actively use it when requesting or suggesting the act. In fact, try using it in a sentence at least once a day with your friends and family. (Okay, maybe not your family.) We won’t be satisfied until “melon balling” becomes the universally accepted term for the act which needs no further explanation. If Dan Savage could do it for “pegging,” we can all do it for sweet, sweet “melon balling.”

Blog Snog (03-27-09)

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nightclub photo by BruceTurner

A weekly roundup of sex- and love-related posts from some of our favorite blogs and websites:

A contributor to the new site Kiss and Dish writes an open letter to losers at nightclubs.
Is the tween-version of Dora the Explorer just part of growing up or is she now Whora the Sexplorer?
If Barbara Wawa was wrong to joke about vibrators on “The View,” we don’t want her to be right.
This kid at Chico State writes a kick-ass article about how not all guys are after sex — which is guaranteed to get him laid.
“Real” dudes on a YourTango video compare marriage to a business venture (charming), claim men don’t have biological clocks (wrong), and assume all gynecologists are men — it’s no wonder only one of the five is actually married.
But here’s a guy on YourTango who knows something about women — and he freakin’ came from Maxim!?
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Do It Tomorrow Night! Turn off the Lights

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google_earth_night photo via Google Earth

This Saturday, March 28th, at 8:30pm local time all around the world, individuals, companies, historical landmarks, towns and countries have committed to turning off the lights for one hour to highlight the threat of climate change. According to Earthhour.org‘s Facebook page, Sydney turned off the lights in 2007 and cut their energy usage by 10%; in 2008 the word had spread so that more than 277 cities had turned off the lights; now in ’09, millions have signed up to turn off their lights in over 538 cities in 78 countries. Signing up and committing to turning off your lights is an easy way to support the cause and help get the word out about the importance of conservation. Plus, what better activity to engage in with the lights off than a little au naturale loving, whether alone or with a special friend? Just be sure you use birth control to help keep overpopulation in check.

Poll: Would You Rat Out a Cheater?

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Our “Dear Em & Lo” advice column last week, in response to a reader who wanted to know what was so wrong with cheating on her husband, kicked off a passionate debate on this site. But forget nuance — let’s get your feedback in cold, hard statistics! If you knew your friend was being cheated on, would you tell…?

Can’t see the poll? Click here to take it.

Top 10 Things Gossip Girl Taught Us About Sex

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Back when we watched the original 90210, all we remember learning about sex was that if you didn’t sleep with your boyfriend on prom night, he might end up addicted to crystal meth. Oh, how times have changed. Here’s the Gossip Girl guide to sex…

Never make a list of all the people you’ve ever slept with. And if you do, burn it before your boyfriend finds it in your purse while digging for tip money for the delivery guy.
The lonely boy with his head stuck in a book is much more “attentive” in bed than the jock. And you better snag him now, because once he gets to college, everyone else will figure this out too.
If he seems too good to be true then he’s probably sleeping with his stepmom.
That bad boy that you think you can “rescue” from himself? He’ll just keep on breaking your heart until the story becomes so boring that even you can’t stand to hear it anymore.
If you’re going to sleep with someone you’re not supposed to (like, oh, say, your teacher), then don’t fondle each other’s hair in public.
Nobody in high school is mature enough to be friends with their ex. In fact, nobody this side of a retirement home is mature enough to be true friends with their ex. Can’t we all just let friends be friends and exes be exes?
If you have to ask: Yep, he’s probably gay.
That short bald Jewish dude? He’s a keeper. (Yes, we also learned this from Sex & the City. But it’s a lesson that bears repeating.)
If you “connect” with someone at an exclusive masked orgy, it was probably just the cocaine talking.
High school sex is OMFG hot: simultaneously orgasmic, it usually happens in chic lingerie in the back of a stretch limo, and it’s blissfully free of butt pimples and STDs. Oh, wait…

Dear Em & Lo: How Do I Deal with People Who Confuse Sex Educators with "Sluts"?

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condoms_free photo by soundfromwayout

Dear Em & Lo,

I’m a student activist/organizer at my university, and I’m involved with a student peer-education group (Sexual Health Awareness Peer Educators), as well as Students for Choice. While I enjoy talking about sex, and many aspects of it, especially on a political basis (e.g. how can we support HR 398 and get our congresswoman to sign onto it?), many people seem to get the wrong idea about what I do — especially my roommate’s boyfriend, who makes loud, inappropriate comments constantly, especially in public. People seem to equate being knowledgeable about sex and related issues to having sex more often and with fewer standard than a porn star. I don’t appreciate people making idiotic jokes (“So, how are you using those 1000 condoms you got in the mail last week this weekend?”). It’s one thing for people to go “Oh, I know you, you’re always handing out condoms!” (said at a party a few weeks ago, and pretty true). But “you talk about sex thus you must always be having big orgies and hooking up with random guys” is not appropriate and not at all true (some people seem to ignore the responsible part of responsible sexuality messages). Have you faced this issue, and how would you deal with it?

The Messenger

Dear T.M.,

Having embarked on this career as adults, i.e. post-college, in an open-minded city like New York, we haven’t been faced with too many people who are really stupid about sex. And by stupid, we don’t mean uniformed about anatomy or technique or STDs (that’s expected and it’s what keeps us in a job); by stupid, we mean mired in retro, sexist assumptions about female sexuality because of personal insecurities and small-mindedness.

Sure, we’ve occasionally been confronted by the uncouth asshole who thinks it’s appropriate to start talking about “big tits” because he assumes that’s what we do all day. Or the guy who thinks whipping his dick out and asking how it compares size-wise because “you’re a professional” is a good pick-up technique. Or the entire barroom-full of people in a suburb of Glasgow who, after being subjected to an impromptu performance of our anal sex lecture, start threatening bodily harm and boo us off stage. (Okay, that last one was deserved.) (more…)

Do It Tonight! Embrace Your Inner Goth

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candle photo by jswieringa

Here’s a quick science lesson for you: Scented and colored candles often contain plasticizers, which make them burn much hotter, i.e., way too hot for your sweetie’s fleshy parts. Black candles and beeswax candles burn the hottest of all. (Besides, what are you doing with black candles anyway? That’s so Trenchcoat Brigade.) You’re better off with the plain white paraffin candles sold at grocery and hardware stores for “emergencies” — but buy extra, please; no filching from your actual emergency supply kit! Better still are soy candles, which burn cleaner and at an even lower temperature than paraffin. (Even better, the soy candles sold at GoodVibes turn into massage oil when the melt onto your skin. We recommend avoiding the sweeter scents.) The stop, drop, and rolls of hot-wax play: Blow the candle out before dripping the wax; test the wax on the back of your hand first; once the wax hits your partner’s skin, rub it in to disperse the heat; do not drip the wax on your partner’s face or delicate mucous membranes (you know, those areas where STDs and infection get passed the most); and, finally, do not indulge in candle play on your brand-new Tempur-Pedic bed with your $500 Calvin Klein sheet set, because we have no freakin’ idea how to remove wax stains.

Ladies: We Still Need Your Orgasm Breakthrough Moments!

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orgasm_stairs photo by ellievanhoutte

We’re just finishing up our magazine article on women’s orgasms, and we want to hear a few more stories from you: What happened when you first had an orgasm with a partner, or during intercourse, or with a vibrator…or without a vibrator. Or tell us how you became multi-orgasmic, or how you figured out how to have an orgasm in under 30 seconds! Perhaps it was a book you read, a workshop you took, a new technique you or your partner tried, a new position in yoga class or new exercise at the gym, a new sex toy, a new lube, a new shower nozzle, a new mind-set. Etc. Email your best breakthrough moment (and how it happened) to emlo [at] emandlo.com — or friend us on Facebook and send it to us in a private message there. Anonymity honored. Thanks for sharing! When the article comes out, we’ll be sure to post it — plus our favorite outtakes — here.

Wise Guys: Does It Matter If You've Slept with More People Than Your Partner?

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little_address_book photo by derekmoss

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: Does the average hetero guy really care if his girlfriend/wife has had sex with more people than he has? And if so, why?

Straight Married Guy (Jamie): I may be somewhat in the minority here in that, while I have an extremely liberal philosophy about sex, I haven’t had a particularly high number of sexual partners (I was always a “girlfriend guy” and just didn’t rack up the big numbers). I’ve also never bought into the whole men-as-players/women-as-sluts double standard. Many of the female friends I admire most have had lots of sexual partners, but are also all well-adjusted, independent women. To be honest, I’ve always been more attracted to women who have an air of worldliness. I think it’s a turn-on to be with a woman who is confident sexually and knows what she likes. And if that confidence came at the hands (or whatever) of more former lovers then I’ve had, well that’s just fine by me.

Gay Engaged Guy (Joel Derfner, author of Swish): As a gay man living in a major metropolitan city, I’ve lost track of the amount of sex I’ve had. How then can I hold a partner to a different standard? I recommend that everybody have enough sex so that both the boy and the girl can honestly say, “I’m not really sure,” and leave it at that. That said, I asked my straight cousin, whose wife has always been very sexually free, and he said that his biggest worry had been that their kids’ attitude toward sex would develop far too early as a result, but this has turned out not to be the case. I loathe children, so I’m going to stick with the “I’m not really sure” recommendation.

Straight Single Guy (L.A. Chris): Totally. He also cares if she’s stronger, smarter, or wealthier than he is. It comes down to our primal need for dominance. (more…)

Your Call: What's the Official New Word for You Know What

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boobs_bolts photo by Paul J. Everett

Last week, we asked you for alternative terms for the act unfortunately known as the “tittie fuck.” This week, we want to make it democratically official by having you vote on the best recommendations we received:

What should be the official new term for “tittie fuck”? ( Online surveys)

If you don’t see the poll, click here to take it.

Celebrities Do It Too (03-24-09)

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rolling_stone Photo via RollingStone.com

Our contributor Jessie says that this Rolling Stone Gossip Girl cover reminds her of 2 Girls 1 Cup; we’re subsequently disturbed to realize that we’re not sure whether they would be bummed or psyched to hear this.
We thought we couldn’t get any more bored by the whole A-Rod thing, and then we find out that he hired prostitutes throughout his marriage. Yawn.
In a world of A-Rods, we give thanks for men like Jason Segel: He’s pee-your-pants funny, he once performed cunnilingus on a watermelon, he’s got a man crush on Obama, and he’s not afraid of a little even-the-playing-field full frontal nudity. No, we love you, man.
We never thought we’d say this, but we heart Judge Judy — because she hearts gay marriage.
Rumor has it Justin Timberlake wants to regift his dick in a box to someone new.
Seth Rogen wants you to know that he doesn’t like to watch porn with his buddies. There goes that fantasy.
Radio show host Steve Harvey — and Oprah BFF — thinks women should wait 90 days before having sex with a guy. Um, okay. But you know what? If he’s just in it for the sex, he’ll still leave on day 91 — and wouldn’t you rather find this fact out on day, say, 21 instead? But here’s something Harvey says that actually makes sense: “We [men] created the term ‘nagging’ so you can quit badgering us.” Exactly! If we ruled the world, we’d make it illegal for men to use the phrase “Don’t nag me” when what they really mean is “Don’t remind me what a loser I am for forgetting to do that thing that I promised to do a year ago and that I promised I wouldn’t need reminding about.”
If we ruled the world, we’d also make it illegal to use the words “stretched” and “vagina” in the same sentence unless you were the owner of the vagina in question.

Dream Interpretation: I'm Bi-Curious in a High-Rise Office Building

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lesbians_kissing photo by Marco_Gomes

So, I had a dream a couple of nights ago that is really making me feel kind of awkward. In my dream, I was in a high-rise building, like an office building. I was in this kitchenette with a female friend of mine, who happens to be bisexual. In the dream, we started making out, and then she picked me up and took me over to a corner where we proceeded to have sex. Just as I was having an amazing orgasm, a particularly preachy religious friend of mine comes in the door and sees us and tells us that we need to stop. I try to convince him that she and I are not having sex, and then he just leaves. The dream ends with my female friend asking me what I am going to tell my boyfriend about what happened, and I tell her that he won’t mind. The weird thing is, I am not attracted to my friend physically and am definitely straight. She is not even a friend that I spend a lot of time with, honestly. I am in a happy relationship … and I do not understand where this is coming from. Am I missing something?
— Curious But Not Bi-Curious

Lauri: Naughty dreams about people we’d never touch (in that way) with a ten-foot pole can certainly make us scratch our heads… and avoid eye contact with them the next day! But rest assured, this dream does not mean you need to start questioning your sexuality. (more…)

Do It Tonight! Throw Away Your Novelty Toys

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sex_toy_store photo by Foxtongue

You might think “novelty” means “nice, fun sex toys,” but you’d be wrong. It’s actually a legal term for products not intended for serious use. And thanks to A) bullshitty obscenity laws still on the books in some states (we’re talking to you, Alabama), B) no government regulation overseeing the safety and package labeling of sex toys, and C) manufacturers who focus on quantity over quality (i.e., male customers over female customers), many toys in your average adult store are marked “for novelty purposes only” (read: “Don’t use this anywhere near your genitals!”). These cheap, crappy, gimmicky toys are about as likely to get you off as an episode of Larry King Live. They’re often made in China, most likely under dubious labor conditions. And they don’t come with instruction manuals or ingredients listings (which more often than not would include “phthalates,” a potentially carcinogenic material in soft plastics and jelly rubber); if they did come with use, care, and content info, they’d be considered medical devices and would be subject to expensive safety regulations. “Screw that,” say the big-biz manufacturers. “We’ll just keep doing what we’ve been doing for the past thirty years, thank you very much.” Good for them, bad for you. So if you’ve got a toy that has rough seams, smells of stinky soft rubber, gives you a rash, feels uncomfortable, is a cheap knock-off of a popular toy, didn’t come with instructions, and/or came in a box with a cheesy naked lady on it, probably best to break up with it.

For more info, please check out our book, “SEX TOY: An A-Z Guide to Bedside Accessories.”

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