Dear Em & Lo,
I read your articles, and you give great advice to other readers, so maybe you can help me! My husband lives in another country; he’s in the process of coming over here, but we aren’t even sure when! We have been apart for a year already, and we’ve been married for 3 years. The thing is, there’s this other guy. I do not want a relationship with him or anything, more like a one-night stand. Or a friends+benefits type thing? Is this wrong of me? I have been good for the past 3 years but I can’t take it anymore. How would I even ask a guy for a one-night stand? If my husband doesn’t know, it doesn’t hurt him, right? Plus, we don’t have any kids together. I really need your help.
— Married Without a Man
Wait, we’re confused: you say you read our advice columns, and yet you’re asking us if you should secretly cheat on your husband? If you read this site, then you should already know our answer to this question: NOFUCKINGWAY!
Traditionally, marriage is supposed to last a lifetime. You’ve only been hitched a measly three years — that’s nothing! And you’ve been apart for only a year. After 5, maybe even 3 years, we might be a little more sympathetic, but then again we have vibrators that have lasted longer than that — and you should too! Assuming your marriage vows included sexual fidelity (and it sounds like they have) then you need to either A) honor those vows, or B) renegotiate them with your husband. Cheating — even if it’s just a one-night thing — is not an option.
If you go with door A, then there are several things you can do to satisfy your longings. Invest in the aforementioned heavy-duty vibrators and use them. Fluff up your fantasy life. Have regular phone sex with your husband. Set up video chats between the two of you so you can masturbate simultaneously while watching each other. But most importantly, try to remember why you recently married this guy in the first place. When a person considers betraying their partner, it’s obvious some love and respect has been lost somewhere along the way — do a little soul-searching to try to get it back.
If you go with door B, then you need to be honest with him, in the kindest, gentlest, least offensive way possible. Explain to him how much you miss him and miss having sex with him, and how you’ve been feeling primal urges lately that are becoming too difficult to ignore. Would he consider some kind of arrangement for while you two are apart? One that wouldn’t negate your love or commitment, but one that might simply scratch that itch. Obviously, there are many steps to this kind of deal-making which we don’t have the room or time to go into, so you should check out Tristan Taormino’s book, “Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships” — it’s your best bet for having your cake and eating it too.
Winners never cheat, and cheaters never win,
Em & Lo