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Your Call: The Relationship Is Great, the Sex Not So Much

September 29, 2014

3 Comments


photo via Flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

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Dear Em & Lo,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years. We have a very healthy relationship and I love him to bits. I have a problem with our sex life. For the first year or so he didn’t make me orgasm at all. But I’m pretty laid back, and in that new relationship bliss I was happy just having sex with him. When I finally got sick of never climaxing, we had a really awkward conversation about it and some things changed, i.e. he starting using his fingers when going down on me, and I can get off when I’m on top. Still, I probably climax maybe 1 out of 5 times when we have sex and it bothers me. I find it hard to get turned on because I know there probably isn’t a happy ending for me.

To complicate things, my relationship with my ex (and only other boyfriend) was lacking in all other respects but was super sexually satisfying. We could spend, quite literally, an entire Sunday having sex and I had orgasms all the time. My current boyfriend is better looking, better endowed, and all around much more amazing, but I am so much less excited about having sex with him. The only thing I can think of is that it doesn’t matter to him whether I have an orgasm or not. It feels like he isn’t trying. By contrast, my ex really enjoyed getting me off.

I feel like talking about it has not gotten me where I want to go, and I’m afraid if I keep bringing it up he will get discouraged and give up altogether. I really miss having great sex. I don’t know how to fix this.

– Blue Box

What should BB do? Leave your advice in the comments section below.


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Your Call: My Husband Won’t Give Me Oral

September 22, 2014

5 Comments

photo via flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE*
Advice Service!

 

Dear Em & Lo,

Okay, So me and my husband have been together almost 3 years married for 2 and he’s only given me oral 3 times! I am very clean down there and I won’t have sex without first taking a shower. Apparently he’s had bad past experiences with ex girlfriends having a smell down there, but I wasn’t aware he hated it so much since he did it while we were dating. It really hurts my feelings that he won’t do it, I am his wife he’s seen me give birth and he’s very open to everything else sexually but not this. I’ve tried to deal with it, but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life never getting oral I love oral! I’ve tried bringing it up to him and he treats it like a joke… I give him oral all the time and I love doing it but since he won’t return the favor I’ve started to do it less often and resent it. I am really at a loss and don’t want my marriage to be broken up over this.

– Downtown Girl

What should Downtown Girl do? Leave your advice in the comments section below.


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Your Call: Is It Fine for a Grown, Non-Religious Man to Be Celibate?

September 15, 2014

5 Comments


photo via Flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE*
Advice Service!

 

 

Dear Em & Lo,

Is this weird?: Intelligent, sarcastic, and attractive early 40′s male who will find any manner to exit a situation that may lead to intimacy. He’s been celibate for a year or so (work is his love) and basically thinks sex is unnecessary and far too overrated anyway. Although he’s very interested in getting attention (he is a pretty darn fascinating guy actually) and making sure dates enjoy his company, he has just made a point to avoid all the baggage and nonsense and time consumption that comes with sex.  Is this more common than people think?  Or is it abnormal?  And ultimately, does it really matter, as he’s definitely not a player nor a user so nobody gets hurt anyway…? Or is this all wrong?

– What Gives?

What should WG do? Leave your advice in the comments section below.


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Where Can We Swing with Other Grownups (Minus the A-Holes)?

September 8, 2014

4 Comments


image of Bruce Nauman light show via flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Some days, we simply don’t have the time, and others — like today — we don’t have a clue. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Yay for crowd-sourcing grownup swinging! Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

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Dear Em & Lo,

As a married ‘straightish’ couple we have had a very serious love affair for the last 26 years, 25 married. We take pride in our lust for each other and the frequent passionate sex we have. Naturally as we have matured, there have been times we needed to work harder than others to keep the bedtime romps above our 3 times a week threshold (one of us starts to lose it when sex drops below that).

We sleep naked, we shower together and we text and talk dirty fairly often. We’ve had sex in planes, trains, cars, parks, on beaches… Then a few years ago we took a huge risk and visited a Las Vegas sex (swingers) club. It freaked us both out and we ran from it. Then a year ago we tried again at a new venue in NYC called Bowery Bliss.

The first time there was enjoyable enough to both warrant a second visit and to ramp-up our sexual appetite for several weeks after. We were having incredible sex more than 5 times a week. The next few visits were also worthy, with other younger couples gravitating to us and being stunned when they learned of our long marriage and age… then the place changed a bit. The types of couples attending changed too. The sex seemed more mechanical and less passionate… more gratuitous than real sex with real couples. It seemed earlier visits were truer to the rule that woman are in charge and the last two visits were more about guys being guys rather than women being catered to. On one recent visit we didn’t even bother to have sex in the club at all… a first.

We are not sure we will attend that venue again and wonder if we will try anywhere else. So we need to find a way to replace that great experience and hope to find similar adventures somehow.

My wife has high standards when it comes to her sexual satisfaction and activities. Lesbian sex is a big turn on to her and we have yet to find that experience beyond watching porn.

Is there a way or place to find lesbian couples interested in flirting or playing with a bi-sexual woman who is happily married? Are there places like Bowery Bliss that caters to more bisexual and lesbian cliental?

– Mr. and Mrs. Jones

Any thoughts on where Mr. and Mrs. Jones could swing with like-minded grownups, no douches allowed? Leave your suggestions in the comments section below.

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Dear Em & Lo: Am I Being Too Selfish In Bed?

September 3, 2014

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Dear Em & Lo,

Every time my boyfriend and I “engage,” he turns me on then asks me to give him a BJ. After I do, I’m not as interested anymore. It happens every time. I’m very uncomfortable when I perform a BJ, and it takes away from the pleasure.

I want to know if it’s normal for me to lose interest so quickly, and if I’m being selfish by not wanting to please and not be pleased (he also prefers me to blow him without sex a lot).

Also, why does he ask for head more than sex? Am I doing something wrong sexually, or is it normal?

– Uptown Girl Living in a Downtown World

Dear U.G.L.I.A.D.W.,

We would answer you, except that you’re asking the wrong questions. So, before we can answer your questions, we’re going to rephrase them for you. Here’s what you should have asked:

Q: Is it normal for my boyfriend to ask for a BJ every time we “engage”?

[A: No.]

Q: Is it selfish of him to expect to be pleased without pleasing me?

[A: Hell yes!]

Q: Is it okay if he prefers me to blow him without sex a lot?

[A: If it's not okay with you, then: Hell no!]

Q: Is he doing something wrong sexually?

[A: YES YES YES YES YES!!! He is paying zero attention to your needs and desires and instead treating you like a human suction machine.]

Okay, so maybe one of your questions did need to be asked:

Q: Am I doing something wrong sexually?

[A: Yes you are! Does your boyfriend have any idea that you feel the way you do? Have you told him? Because before you can accuse him of being a terrible listener, you have to start talking. We're sure your body is giving off plenty of negative cues, but guys can be pretty blind to those cues, especially when oral is on the table.]

So: Speak up, girl! Start asking the right questions… of him. And if he still won’t listen, then find yourself a decent Uptown Boy instead.

Kisses,

Em & Lo

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Your Call: Help, My Husband Has ZERO Sex Drive!

September 2, 2014

6 Comments


photo via Flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE*
Advice Service!

 

 

Dear Em & Lo,

I’ve been married for four months and my husband has no drive. We are both in our 20′s and he refuses me all the time and I am hurt. He bought me a toy but when I use it he calls me disgusting and nasty. Help me! I am drowning in my marriage. It’s his way or the highway.

– Like the Desert Needs the Rain

What should LtDNtR do? Leave your advice in the comments section below.


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Why Women Cry After Sex

August 29, 2014

0 Comments

eye_cryingphoto via flickr

Dear Em & Lo,

I’ve been in a serious, committed relationship with a gorgeous woman for almost a year. We first met as friends and then somehow found ourselves being more than friends after 9 months or so. During that time, we learned much about what makes the other tick. We have found our personalities, including our sexual appetites and interests, to be very compatible. We communicate well and have been very good about helping each other understand one another. Our lives together have been great including the sex (frequent with lots of O’s).

Here’s how she’s stumped me during sex: a couple of times after she has orgasmed strongly during vaginal intercourse, she’s then bursts into tears. As a guy, I’m a bit freaked (did I do something?) but she tells me that it feels chemically triggered. We take the time to settle back into the groove (she doesn’t want to stop) and then continue almost as if nothing has happened. Do you have any idea what could be going on?

–Tears in Heaven

Dear T.i.H.,

Wow, let us count the ways that your life is totally awesome:

  • You fell in love with a good friend. Meaning, you like each other’s company (almost) as much as you like each other’s genitals.
  • Okay, so you’re great friends, but you don’t just like playing Scrabble together; you also have awesome, orgasmic, communicative sex.
  • You really listen to each other.
  • Basically, you’re so freakin’ happy you make Pollyanna seem like a downer.

Oh, and one more:

  • Your girlfriend feels so close to you, and her orgasms feel so intense with you, that sometimes, after she has one, she cries.

Which is totally normal, by the way. The orgasm is a sudden release of this intense hormone build-up in your body — a few blissful seconds (or more) of rhythmic muscle contractions which let all that pent-up sexual energy flow back into the universe, like a whistling teapot from Xanadu. (Aw yeah.)

So it is chemical, in a way — think of it as a very miniaturized, very fleeting version of PMS or post-partum depression. When this happens, some women moan, some sigh, some laugh, some tear up, and many, many women cry. (Apparently some men do, too, by the way.) It’s just the body’s way of putting a period at the end of the sentence. Or rather, in a woman’s case, a semi-colon — lucky ladies get to keep going after an O! Now that’s the kind of run-on sentence we approve of.

Sure, this isn’t always the reason that all women cry after sex. Sometimes women cry because of some issue they’re dealing with — depression, past abuse, negative body image, unhappiness in a relationship, etc. If you suspect that any of these may be the case, that she’s keeping something from you, then you can very gently bring it up outside the bedroom by telling her you care for her very much and just want to make sure she’s alright and is she sure there’s nothing else going on here…? If there is, then maybe she needs some professional help to work through it.

But from everything you say, it doesn’t sound to us like your girlfriend is distressed or traumatized or sad in any way — it’s just her body reacting to all those crazy love chemicals. And if you are really confident that she is telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth about this “chemical trigger,” then the only advice we have for you is to keep doing that thing you do. And always keep a box of Kleenex on your night-stand!

Big girls do cry,

Em & Lo

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Your Call: Should My Fiance Throw Out Memorabilia of His Ex?

August 26, 2014

2 Comments


We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE*
Advice Service!

 

 

Dear Em & Lo,

I hate that my fiancé keeps so many photos of his ex-girlfriend. They aren’t framed on the wall or anything, but he has hundreds of photos of their time together — beach vacations where she’s wearing a bikini, cute couple shots, etc etc. He also keeps love letters she wrote for him and things she made for him. I hate the idea that I sometimes come across this stuff when I’m hunting for an envelope or a pair of scissors, but he says he shouldn’t have to pretend that part of his life never existed. What do you think?

– Domestic Censor

What should Domestic Censor do? Leave your advice in the comments section below.

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Dear Em & Lo: Can I Have an Orgasm in My Sleep (If I Haven’t Had One Awake)?

August 13, 2014

0 Comments


photo via flickr

Dear Em & Lo,

It’s recently come to my attention that women can have orgasms while asleep, similarly to how men can have wet dreams. I was wondering: is it possible to have them before you’ve had an orgasm? As a 19-year old, I sometimes get turned on, but don’t do anything about it for fear of tearing my hymen and was wondering if I could at least experience an orgasm before I actually start having sex.

O-Curious

Dear O.C.,

First of all, why are you afraid of tearing your hymen? Often times the hymen gets stretched or further broken* long before intercourse for reasons that have nothing to do with sex: tampon use, gyno exams, lots of enthusiastic horseback riding, etc. This is no big deal. A hymen isn’t something that should be “preserved” or saved as a present for your husband to open on your wedding night. It’s vestigial tissue that you usually grow out of, with or without intercourse — the same way you grow out of crustless sandwiches and playing with dolls without really having to think about it.

You know another great way to “break” your hymen before sexual intercourse? Masturbation! If you sometimes get turned on, then you have every right to do something about it on your own. But even if you buy our argument against hymen preciousness preservation, we have a feeling you, O.C., might have some other issues with self stimulation: shame, guilt, prudishness, squeamishness, misinformation…Are we getting warm?

Well, we’re here to tell you there’s nothing wrong with a little quality alone time. In fact, there are only right things: satisfaction, stress-relief, bodily education, sexual confidence and autonomy, boredom abatement…the list goes on. As long as you don’t get so addicted to masturbation that you never leave the house and forget to eat (an incredibly unlikely scenario), then there’s no reason a healthy 19 year old shouldn’t do something proactive about her horniness, no matter what state her hymen is in.

As to whether or not you could have a sleeping orgasm before you’ve had an orgasm awake, the answer is yes. In your case, it’s possible to have so much sexual tension built up because you’ve refused to do anything about it, that your body might take advantage of your mind (and all its issues with sex) shutting down at night in order to get some much-desired sexual relief. Think of it as your body just going on auto-pilot.

As to whether or not you can experience orgasms (awake or asleep) before you’ve started having sex, the answer is another resounding YES! Yes, yes, yes, yes, oh, yeeeeeesssssssss! Again, we’re getting the feeling you’re under the impression that your sexuality doesn’t get ignited until some other person has sex with you. Not true. YOU are the owner of your own sexuality, and you write the manual for it. YOU are holder of the key that unlocks your libido. YOU are the master of your domain!

Women who masturbate regularly have more sexual agency in their relationships (once they choose to be in them). They know what they like, and aren’t afraid to ask nicely for it. They have open minds but know where their boundaries lie and aren’t afraid to defend them. They enjoy partner sex more, because it’s less intimidating and mysterious when you know your own body and how it works. In fact, their chances of having an orgasm with another partner are greatly improved! (Female orgasms from intercourse alone are not as common you might think — in fact, for a lot of women, those types of Os are non-existent. After all, the way a lot of guys have intercourse is often very different from the way a lot of women get off…but that’s a whole ‘nother column!).

Here’s what we suggest: Forget about your hymen, forget about Prince Charming coming to save your sexuality, get yourself a nice “my first vibrator” (for internal use or — if you’re still a little hymen-phobic — external use only), and have some sweet dreams while you’re wide awake!

Nighty night,

Em & Lo

*Hymens come in all shapes, configurations and thicknesses. The notion of an “intact” hymen is bogus, because most of them already have one or more holes in them naturally.

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BDSM Saved My Life, But Is Ruining My Near Perfect Marriage

August 11, 2014

1 Comment

Okay, so this letter below from one of our readers is super long, and it’s not nearly as memerific as Kickstarter potato salad or photos of celebrities without makeup. But trust us, it’s worth the read. It’s from a man who is married to the woman of his dreams — they love each other’s company, they make each other laugh, they still have sex multiple times a day (even after six years), they can talk about anything, they have helped each other deal with past trauma… and yet something is still missing. We’ll give you a hint: It begins with K, and it’s the opposite of vanilla. Yep, once again, a kink imbalance threatens to ruin a near-perfect relationship.

If you have any advice or thoughts to share with this reader, you can leave them in the thoughts below. But we’re guessing you’re more likely to learn something yourself by reading this letter: What it means to compromise; what it means to really listen; the power of kinky sex to heal… and the power of kinky sex to divide.

I was reading these posts and had to drop in. I’m kind of sad and broken feeling right now. I have a wife who is a beautiful lady and best friend — seriously the one person in the world I can decompress with. But I have been spending all night researching divorce and psychology of dysfunctional relationship sites.

We’ve been together 6 years and honestly we always had sexual incompatibility problems but she is such a baddass that I stuck with it and compromised. I have had a lot of power play in my past as well as “vanilla,” though I hate that term.

I don’t need power play all the time, nor do I want it. I think there’s a time and a place. I don’t want to beat my wife or have her do what I say. I’d say 90% of the time in day to day life, I just defer to her judgment on things cause I love seeing her smile; the other 10 I instantly get my way cause she appreciates me giving her the rains most of the time. We don’t have kids, though we’ve tried. Stress for another day. Due to trying we have a ton of sex, and she’ll try almost anything I want.

When we started I was clear on my past. I was abused as a child. Not sexually, just choked out, bottles broken on my head, tossed down stairs. You know the usual… sorry, bad joke. I inappropriately joke a lot, wife does, too…we like it. Anyway.

I’ve never hit a woman though I have remodeled a couple walls next to them under extreme provocation. I met a Dom in my early 20’s and that was my first adventure into the world of kink. She was kind and cruel. Heartless and all encompassingly caring. Over time, she broke me down to the point I snapped and regressed to that scared little kid in a corner with the 300 lb gorilla cracking his bones over and over. But she’d bring me back. And did that over and over. One day I didn’t cry. Another I didn’t scream. Another I didn’t flinch and magically I lost my fear. I have not once even had to fight back rage since then.

See: My rage was really fear of being powerless. I thought power was either given or taken with no in-between. Now I know true power is restraint, courage, and conviction. The man who takes 5 to the gut but still defends his family and friends ignoring the pain, not the shooter. My dad had no power, just fear dumped onto a little defenseless child and his mother. My Dom gave me this gift and set me free.

I went back to vanilla — no, I’ll just call them straight relationships. I’m still friends with my Dom. We’re both doing awesome in life, kicking ass and taking money. Confidence and a lack of fear is awesome! All that said, I wouldn’t have married her. We just weren’t compatible in other ways. So back to the now.

At first my wife would try anything, but she isn’t into kink at all. In fact she loves sex but only quickies. Takes her maybe five min tops to get off then she’s done. She’ll let me finish but it’s all me at that point. She can have more but they hurt her — 3 or 4 and she’s hating life. She just seizes up too hard when it happens. Me, I’m an all-night man. Quickies are fun, but I love foreplay. She is getting better, but honestly doesn’t see the point. Her hitting on me is turning and saying we should fuck. I like dirty talk, and she tries that too but basically I need to tell her what to say most of the time and she always feels and sounds awkward.

But the biggest thing is the BDSM thing. We used to try. Couple times she started crying. I’d stop but she’d say keep going, get what you need. Sometimes I was like, fuck this (not out loud!), and tried to cool her down. She was broken for days thinking she failed. Couple times I was like, ok, I got this, and pushed her through it. No dice either. She basically said you’re an asshole and locked herself in the bathroom to cry… I don’t like feeling like I actually raped my wife.

I eventually stopped trying. I want her to smile. She doesn’t like blowjobs, or even me going down on her. All she wants is missionary or doggy quickies constantly. 2x a day on average. Sometimes more, sometimes less.

We fought a lot at first which for us is calmly talking — we don’t yell. And almost split, but settled on me going slow and her having time to grow into it. But she just instantly gives up and makes me feel it’s hurting her. Well that’s supposed to happen, but not that way, a bad way. This made me stop trying to push her and stop trying. But we stayed cause we’re as close to soulmates as I’ve ever even met in a woman anywhere. The best friend ever out of everyone.

But 6 years later our sex is stagnant. I have trouble keeping it up sometimes and mostly just get her off then just tell her I’m tired and we stop. It’s starting to distance us. I don’t even know how to talk about it anymore cause we have, over and over, and she always just says sorry, I’ll try harder, and nothing happens.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t see BDSM as evil or an addiction: It saved my life. and I have friends that have entire play rooms dedicated to roleplay that have wonderful kids and happy compromising lives. To me, it’s a physical statement of love, saying, I want to control every aspect of you, you beautiful person. Or, I want to give myself to you cause you are the one I chose to control my everything.

I don’t think I can meet anyone like her again… but I know on this road I might eventually cheat, and I hate cheaters. Or I’ll just continue to die inside. Which I feel like I’m doing. Shriveling into slow isolation cause I can’t express myself the way I need to, to the only person I care to express myself to. I just can’t lose her but I can’t stay this course.  I can walk from anything but I can’t walk from her… or myself.

Share your thoughts on kinky sex vs. vanilla marriage in the comments section below.

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