photo via flickr

Dear Em & Lo,

Me and my husband of twenty years have been fantasizing about so many things — one of which is me being grinded on by a male stripper in a private room with my husband watching. This was realized about a month ago at a gay bar where we decided to proceed after few drinks. It was a real turn-on for both of us and we had very wild sex after that. Is this wrong? We’ve talked a lot about our experience whenever we have sex and we’re planning to do the same thing again.

Actually, it was my husband who broached the idea that we go to the male strip bar. I readily agreed out of curiosity, because it was my first there. Besides, we had been fantasizing about that for a long time. Well, as I said, me and my husband got horny while the stripper started to grind and flirt with me, and my husband got really turned on seeing me for the first time flirting with a stranger. We really are planning to do it again. It really added spice to our sex life. Please advise us.

Thanks,

– Champagne Room-mates

Dear C.R.,

Is this wrong?! Wrong?!! Let us count the ways in which it is so very right:

• After twenty years of marriage, you’re still having hot sex.
• After twenty years of marriage, you’re still trying new things.
• After twenty years of marriage, you’re still going on boozy date nights that end up in gay bars.
• You really know how to talk to each other about sex, and how to share your desires and fantasies.
• You understand that some of the wildest sexual adventures happen in your head — and that sharing these fantasies out loud can be even better.
• Before trying something new and potentially out of your comfort zone, you tested the waters by fantasizing about it together for a long time.
• And the trial was a success! You were both turned on by it! So it’s not like one of you is twisting the other’s arm to try this again.
• Instead of the boring old “Let’s visit a strip club and get a female lap-dance together” (yawn), you guys are shaking it up with a male strip club. Awesome!
• Your husband isn’t one of those douche-bag men who thinks that he’ll turn gay just by visiting a male strip club.

You asked us to advise you, but all we can say is: keep doing what you’re doing. And don’t stop for a second to worry about whether anything you like in bed (or out of bed) is “wrong.” So long as what you are doing is legal and consensual, there’s no such thing as wrong. It’s couples like you who give monogamy (or some version of it) a good name!

Pour some sugar on it,

Em & Lo

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. This week, we had two very similar inquiries from both a straight woman and a straight man. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below.

My boyfriend has been on antidepressants for almost a year.  He can no longer come through vaginal intercourse – only intense BJs or HJs.  I am minorly managing to avoid insecurity in this situation (he says he thinks my vagina is too soft – but he reassures me that it’s him, not me), but I am definitely suffering from this lack of intimacy.  How can I continue to support him, pad my frustration and sense of sadness, and not give him (or myself) a complex?  I worry that any input will change the mental part of the situation once the meds are done, so I just kinda do my thing and then we stop.  I also worry that all this intense play for ejaculate will mean my man will never get off from old-fashioned sex again – that he’ll wind up desensitized.  What do I do?

– Ms. Frustrated

and…

I’ve been dating my girlfriend for over four years and I’ve never met anyone like her.  I am thrilled with my catch, but the one problem area is in the bedroom.  She has had a host of medical conditions that have made our sex life erratic at best.  When we are able to get down, it’s great, but very often she experiences pain, discomfort, etc.  She has seen multiple doctors and attempted many solutions, but it seems to be a never ending rollercoaster.  The latest recommendation has been to cut out intercourse for an indefinite period.  I feel I’ve been very sympathetic and understanding throughout the relationship about this situation and I know she appreciates it.  But this is maddeningly frustrating for both of us and I understand that she feels embarrassed/ashamed/guilty etc. for the whole problem.  I continue to try to be supportive, but obviously the issues are wearing on me as well.  I do feel like we’ve improved on communicating about it, but that hasn’t necessarily assuaged my frustration with the issue and I feel like my needs aren’t being met.  How would you suggest a couple handle a problem like this?

– Mr. Frustrated

What should Ms. and Mr. Frustrated do? Let them know in the comments below. 

photo via flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. And frankly, this one is a doozie. Make your call by leaving your response in the comments section below.

Dear Em & Lo,

My boyfriend likes to ask me about my past sexual relationships with other men while we are having sex. How we did it, where we did it, things like that. He’s the one with an extensive sex history! While he finds it a turn-on, I find it a turn-off. It breaks my concentration on us and the moment to be asked to think about people I just don’t think about. Do any other women have this issue with their partners?

– Over It

What should O.I. do?

photo via Flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. And frankly, this one is a doozie. Make your call by leaving your response in the comments section below.

Dear Em & Lo,

My stepdaughter just confided in me she had recently lost her virginity with her boyfriend. She’s fifteen and doesn’t want me to tell her mom. She said that I’m the only one she feels comfortable talking about sex with. I’ve always taught her to practice safe sex, choose her potential partners carefully, and to be discreet about her personal choices. What do you suggest about her request not to tell mom?  I don’t want to betray her trust, but I’d also like to avoid the scalding hot water I’ll be in if it ever gets out I held onto this piece of info.

– The Secret Sharer

What should T.S.S. do?

Dear Em & Lo,

Under Pressure

Dear U.P.,

Do NOT to do anything you don’t want to do–it’s that simple. Just tell him you really like him and like hanging out with him, but you want to take things slowly and you’re not ready to do anything beyond kissing at this point. If he gets mad and wants to break up with you, then you should break up with him! If you know you’re not ready to get physical, he should respect that. If it’s a deal breaker for him, so be it. You’ll feel better if you stay true to yourself without him than you’ll feel if you get pressured into betraying yourself WITH him. And don’t buy any lame excuses from him about everyone else doing it, blue balls, doing it for love, or doing it for your country. You have plenty of time to explore things sexually as you get older, become more mature, and find the right guy(s) to experiment with in your adult life. Don’t let some jerk rush you into anything before then.

Good luck!
Em & Lo

photo via flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your response in the comments section below.

Hi Em & Lo,

For various reasons (long abusive relationship, thankfully ended, plus my own social ineptitude), I’ve only had sex a handful of times over the past 5-6 years and I feel so empty and frustrated. At the risk of sounding like an asshole, I’m fit and attractive, I look after myself, I’m moderately successful.  I’m 27 years old and would love to have a decent and fulfilling sex life, but have no idea where to start. I’m a quiet and introverted person, so I realise I’ll probably have to meet guys online. But how can I be honest about my inexperience without putting off potential partners? I sound so weird and needy — and that’s not who I am, or who I want to be. I have no idea how to initiate sex or get someone off and I would love to learn. I’m okay at building a rapport with someone I like, but how do I get over the physical awkwardness? I’d be so grateful for your help, as this is making me miserable.

– Too Old to Be a Newbie

What should T.O.T.B.A.N. do?

photo via flickr

Dear Em & Lo,
I’ve been with my boyfriend for 3 years. I’m 21, he’s 28. He’s the only person to ever perform oral sex on me, so while I have no one to compare him too, I know that he is bad at oral sex. He pushes his entire face on my lady region and just moves side to side, as if that is supposed to feel good. He hardly uses his tongue and I don’t think he even understands he needs to focus on the clit. After 3 years, I have no idea how to tell him that he’s not doing it right. Help!
— Suffering in Silence

Dear SiS,

Oh dear. We’re tempted to tell you to dump this guy and start over with a new one, because it’s a million times harder to teach an old partner new tricks. This is in large part because there’s no easy way to say, “You’ve been screwing up for three years and I just never got around to telling you.” How would his ego ever recover from such a blow? How would he ever know to trust your sexual response in bed again? This is why we emphasize again and again and again the importance of communication in bed from the out-set — not to mention the importance of never faking.

But maybe he’s a good guy. Maybe you really love him. We’re going to assume you do, as there’s obviously a reason you stuck with him despite godawful oral. First off, it’s important that you lose the attitude (are we wrong in sensing a little attitude in the phrase as if that is supposed to feel good?). How on earth is he supposed to know what feels good if you never tell him? Maybe his last girlfriend didn’t like clitoral attention during oral (some ladies don’t) and that’s why he’s shying away from yours. Or maybe no woman has ever had the decency to tell him how to do it, which means he’s flailing away down there like a wind-up toy.

Once you’ve accepted that you’re as much, if not more, to blame as he is, you can start your gentle campaign to reeducate him. The next time he goes down on you, ask him — as if it’s a thought that just occurred to you — to focus on your clitoris. When he gets there, give him feedback — faster, slower, harder, softer, a little to the left, etc. And when he gets it right, go crazy with the positive feedback:  moan, call his name, say yes, whatever works for you. The next time he goes down on you, offer a different specific suggestion of something he might try. Again, guide him gently and go nuts when he gets it right. Don’t try to change his entire approach in one session — after all, you’ve waited three years, what’s another few weeks?

Oh, and next time you’re going down on him, why not ask what he’d like you to do? Just in case, you know, he’s been suffering in silence for three years too. Kidding! (Sort of.)

– Em & Lo

Dear Em & Lo,

I slept with a co-worker after our holiday office party. We were both very drunk, and while I don’t regret it, I don’t want anything further with him. Unfortunately, he’s giving me all the signals that he’d like for us to continue what was, for me, just a one-night thing. To be honest, I’d probably be up for the occasional booty call, but I think he’s looking for more. We’re both at the same level in the company, so it’s not like there’s a power issue, but it’s definitely getting more awkward every day. Any ideas on how to extricate myself without making things worse?

–Hiding Behind the Office Plant

Dear HBTOP,

We know this isn’t particularly helpful, but we’ve gotta say it: We told you so. What were you thinking?!

Okay, clearly you weren’t thinking; the eggnog was in charge. So your New Year’s Resolution for 2011 is this: follow our advice to the letter. When we tell you to avoid the mistletoe at your holiday office party, we mean it. (What, you thought we were just jealous because we work from home and didn’t have a holiday office party?!)

In the meantime, you need to extricate yourself from this sticky situation (was it literally sticky? Please don’t tell us you got kinky with the eggnog). Given that the oversized office plant isn’t always going to be there for you, it’s time for a little old-fashioned communication. Invite your colleague to coffee and break out the old “I don’t shit where I eat” chestnut–though we recommend using a more delicate turn of phrase. (Not the pen and inkwell one either, lest he mistake you for a 55-year-old executive who just slept with his secretary.)

But don’t go overboard and imply that you’re head over heels in love with him and that you two are star-crossed lovers divided by a cubicle wall, because he might just quit his job in order to be with you (even more awkward!). Just keep things as vague as possible. Tell him, “I’m feeling a little bit uncomfortable about what happened at the party and I hope we can still be friends.” Or make light of things and say, “I hope we don’t make it into the next company newsletter… in the meantime, do you think we can just chalk it up to the eggnog and be friends?” For his ego’s sake, don’t let on that you know he’s really into you…just act like you both got drunk and did something stupid, and let him play along. (If we know guys’ egos, he will.)

By the way, don’t consider this a permission slip, but if you don’t have the labes for a coffee date, then emailing him some or all of the above is better than saying nothing at all. It’s still wussy as all hell, mind you, but the sooner you break the news to him, the better.

And next time? Don’t make us say we told you so. It may seem as if we like saying it, but we don’t.

Still telling you so,

Em & Lo

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your response in the comments section below.

Dear Em & Lo,

I have been dating my boyfriend for two years. We are both so in love with each other and talk of marriage in a few years. He is Pakistani and I am white. His religious Muslim family approves of me.

A few months ago, I found out that him and his cousin who lives in Pakistan were writing love letters to each other for two years before we met. I confronted him about it and we settled issues for the most part. He claims to have never loved her. I believe him for the most part, even though the only reason he tossed the letters was because he knew I’d not tolerate or be with him anymore. He is very clingy to things of his past. It hurt so much that he wanted to save these letters because it’s as if they meant something to him.

Since then I have gotten over this issue for the most part because we talked about it many times and he promised me he never loved her. I don’t want to sound like a stupid girl, but I believe him. I really do.
The problem is, they still talk. And her being his cousin, it’s difficult for me to tell him that I don’t want him talking to her, because she is his family. I know he has plans to go to Pakistan on vacation and I am extremely hurt and mad because I know they will see each other. I don’t think I’d be able to be with him anymore even though I love him deeply. I know that if he were in my shoes he would not want me to see someone I wrote love letters to or talk to them, even if I really didn’t ever love them.

I have been avoiding this talk because I can’t bear to be without him, I love him so much. I know that him going to Pakistan is somewhat out of his control because it’s his parents choice, but I don’t know how to handle or approach this situation. I trust that nothing will happen between the two of them while he is there. But I know they will be hanging out a lot, and I cannot bear the thought of him being near her, the girl he thought he loved for two years.

What do I do? I don’t want to break up with him, but I don’t want to be that stupid girl who gets hurt like this either. Ideally he would never talk to her or see her again. Am I being unreasonable for wanting this? I don’t think I am considering he has told me that he does not want me talking to guys from my past. But then again, they were not my cousins.

– Dating a Kissing Cousin

What should D.A.K.C. do?

photo by belgianchocolate

Dear Em & Lo,

Recently my boyfriend of six months has asked me to fool around (and maybe have sex) with another man, so he can secretly watch. We have a very healthy sex life (7-10 times a week) and both feel deeply in love, but he says that this desire is a real turn-on for him. I am not interested in having sex with another man, but can understand why it might turn him on.

My fears are that after the act, we would have trust issues and our relationship will be destroyed. I love him very much and do not want to lose him. I want our sex lives to be exciting and fun… but would this one exciting time ruin our relationship? I think it might be a turn-on, but I would never be able to allow him to do the same thing with another girl. Of course, I don’t think that is fair. What should I do?

–Conflicted But In Love

Dear CBIL,

You’re totally right to be conflicted. In fact, you’re totally right to be totally shitting yourself at the thought of doing something like this. That doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s right or wrong for your relationship, but you’d be an idiot if you went fearlessly into that kinky night. This is a huge deal, and something that is very right (and very hot) for some couples, but very wrong (and very destructive) for most couples. So, how can you figure out which kind of couple you are?

Let’s start with him. Has he ever done something like this before? Sure, the idea might turn him on, but how does he know the real-life version will? You have to be some kind of advanced human being — i.e., one who’s missing the jealousy gene — in order to handle this, let alone get off on it. Is there anything in your relationship to suggest that he’s this sort of being? Or, more pertinently, to suggest that he’s not? Ultimately, of course, he can make all the promises in the world, but there’s no guarantee that he won’t see you differently after something like this. In fact, something like this will change your relationship, there’s no way around it. Perhaps for the better (you both suddenly decide, I want to be almost-monogamous with this person for the rest of my life!)… or perhaps not. That’s the risk you take. Because without risk, where’s the taboo-breaking fun?

But it’s not all about him, is it? Listen, it’s one thing to try out a new position you’re not all that fond of, just because your boyfriend’s into it. But to have sex with someone when you have zero interest in doing so? Then he starts to sound more like a pimp than a lover. And have you told him that if you did something like this, you’d be incapable of reciprocating? If so, does he understand that you wouldn’t then “owe him one”? And that, actually, he’d kind of owe you one: next time, he’d be the one that had to indulge your fantasy. Read the rest of this entry »