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Dear Em & Lo,

Last night my boyfriend went out with a bunch of his friends, including his ex. Their friend group is known to engage in apparently meaningless sexual activities with one another other on nights out. At around 2 in the morning he came to my apartment completely wasted, with a rather large semen stain on his boxers. Does this necessarily mean he had been doing something or had been given a hand job, or can these just appear?

– C.S.I. Date Night

Dear C.S.I. Date Night,

Um. Wow. That phrase “If it walks like a duck” comes to mind. Sure, a semen stain in a vacuum could have an innocent explanation — maybe your boyfriend fell asleep in the cab ride home and had a wet dream? Maybe he got really turned on during a round of beer pong? But this semen stain isn’t exactly in a vacuum, is it? There’s the ex, there’s the casual sex friend group, there’s the two in the morning — and most importantly, there’s the wasted boyfriend hanging out with an ex and a casual sex friend group at two in the morning.

But still, we’d hate to leap to conclusions. After all, sometimes a semen stain is just a semen stain. And some guys probably do explode at the brush of an elbow or an accidental glimpse of cleavage on public transportation. But here’s something we do know: It’s perfectly within your rights as this dude’s girlfriend to say, “Hey Monica Lewinksy, what’s up with the semen stain?” Whether or not you believe his answer is entirely up to you.

Crime scene investigators,

Em & Lo

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:

• Confession: I Gave a Cheater a Second Chance
• What’s So Wrong with Cheating on My Husband?
• How Many Em & Lo Readers Are Cheaters?

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

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Dear Em & Lo,

I was just recently broken up with by the guy I thought I’d marry, over the issue of having kids. We’re in our late 20s and had talked about getting married quite a bit. My thought on the issue was that we would make a realistic, mindful decision about kids when the time was right, taking in all the relevant factors. He was initially fine with this, often saying he’d be happy either way. But one day, a few months ago, he just changed his mind out of the blue and was all of a sudden talking about how deeply he wanted kids. I really don’t think he was lying to me in the beginning — it honestly seems like a sudden change of heart. After this, for a few months he was saying that he preferred to stay with me than to have certainty that he was with someone who definitely wanted kids. But clearly he changed his mind on that, too, as we are now no longer together.

So I have a couple questions related to this. Firstly, public knowledge has plenty to say about the female biological clock — how there’s a time in most women’s lives where it just suddenly blows up and then you MUST HAVE BABY. But what happened to my ex seems to be very similar. It floored me to have him change so suddenly, especially as a guy who has zilch experience being around children, who has little patience for the unexpected, and who likes his peace and quiet. Is this type of change in guys’ thinking/feeling about kids more common than I thought? Are there triggers or causes?

Secondly, after talking to a few close friends about the break up, I came to notice that almost everyone seemed to think that whether or not to have kids is a purely emotional decision. Is there ANYONE out there who shares my stance of the spouses deciding together, when all the relevant factors are in place? When I say “relevant factors” I mean, careers out of the budding stage, marriage going strong, finances strong, health strong, and then assess whether kids is happening or not. I just can’t divorce the idea of having kids from all of the factors that that decision affects; hence my need to wait until I know more about how life is gonna turn out. DOes this make me a freak?

– Kid-Shy

What should Kid-Shy do? Let her know in the comments below.

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photo via Flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on this woman’s letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

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Dear Em & Lo,

How does one go about feeling better about a very sexual personality? I realize I’m human and I accept sex and all that comes with it with open arms. However, our society does not. Obviously I’m not saying I sleep with the masses, but I do enjoy sex and I don’t feel I should have to hide that without being labeled “whore.”

– Sex Positive

How can S.P. feel better about satisfying her libido? Let her know in the comments below.

More from EMandLO.com:

• The 7 Rules of Dating a Co-Worker
• My Boyfriend Can’t Handle My Sexual Past
• Can Open Relationships Cure Jealousy?

Dear Em & Lo,

I’ve been sexually active on and off for about four years now. The problem is that throughout those four years I have never reached an orgasm. I’ve had sex with partners and even bought a vibrator, but I still don’t think I’m finishing. When I use a vibrator it’ll be really really awesome and I’m feeling good and right when it’s at its peak, the good feeling goes away. I’m worried and beginning to accept the fact that I can’t finish. I don’t know if it’s just me thinking too much, since it’s been such a long time with out finishing, or maybe I actually can’t.

– Stuck at Mile 25

Dear S.A.M.25,

To answer your questions briefly: Yes, you’re probably thinking too much. Yes, we’re pretty sure you actually can have an orgasm. Yes, you can teach yourself to “finish.” It might help you to know that you’re in good company: As many as ten percent of women have never had an orgasm, and many more than that have never had an orgasm with a partner. And many many many more than that waited years to have their first orgasm. But maybe you don’t want the company! Maybe you’d rather just break out on your own with a massive, screaming O! Here are six tips that may nudge you in the right direction:

1. Realize that orgasms — the female kind, at least — are hard to, er, come by. Women drew the short straw when it comes to achieving orgasm — male orgasms practically grow on trees. An inability to orgasm during intercourse doesn’t mean you have faulty equipment — in fact, it’s as natural as the snow falling up north in wintertime. And it’s certainly nothing to be ashamed of.

2. Take a really long bath. Experiment with a stream of water or a shower jet (but only externally and never aimed inside you, since that can cause a fatal air embolism). Don’t expect to climax the first time you try—instead, just try to figure out what you like… and what you really like. If you get bored, stop, and try again the next day.

3. Learn how to masturbate differently. One reader of ours discovered at an early age that bouncing on her bed while lying on her stomach gave her a great feeling; once she became a teenager, she graduated to the floor for stronger stimulation. Swear off your standard way of masturbating (whether it’s a toy or a position) and force yourself to try something new every night for two weeks.

4. Think really dirty thoughts. Getting in the mood is key, whether for alone time or partner sex, since our biggest turn-on is our brain. So reading or seeing something sexy will prime your mind for an orgasm, so you (or he) won’t have to work as hard to get you there. Try kicking off your diddling with some saucy literature. Say what you will about the terrible writing in the  Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy – the woman knows how to write sex scenes! Skip all the “character development” and go straight for the naughty bits in those books; they really get the job done. For something more classic, try Anais Nin instead.

5. Don’t overthink it. (We know, that’s like telling you not to think about a pink elephant — suddenly all you can picture is a pink elephant!) Every expert we’ve ever spoken with about female sexual function agrees that you should do your best to ignore your orgasm. Don’t be goal-oriented, just enjoy the sensations as they happen. This takes the pressure off, paving the way for your orgasm. Focus on what you’re feeling in the moment — muscle tension, a change in your breathing, your desire to thrust or writhe — rather than where you’re hoping to wind up.

6. Just breathe. Lots of women hold their breath when they feel they’re getting close to point O. But then your brain might feel it needs to focus on more important things than orgasming, like not dying. Let your breathing reflect the intense feelings you’re experiencing and you may find all that heavy huffing in turn makes those feelings even more intense.

Most of all: Practice, practice, practice. You’ll cross that finish line eventually, and when you do, we’ll be cheering loudly for you! (Metaphorically, of course — we’re not that creepy.)

Go team,

Em & Lo

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photo by Marcin Wichary via WikiCommons

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Dear Em & Lo,

Me and my bf have been dating 2 years. He used to swing but says he’s not into that life anymore. I have seen text and facebook messages to/from other women where he asks what they are wearing or he’s telling them they look good; he was a code on his phone; he goes to hang out with his friends and comes back with condom in his pocket. Now I’m not a damn fool: condoms come in a pack of 2. But then he says I shouldn’t be going through his stuff. The other day he told me he’s wants to marry me for companionship. We in our mid 30′s. Should I end this relationship?

– Confused

Dear Confused,

Yes.

love,

Em & Lo

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• Wise Guys: How Do Men Deal with Bad Breakups?

photo via Flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE* Advice Service!

Dear Em & Lo,

How can I tell if a guy is looking for something serious or is just playing games? I meet a lot of men who tell me one thing and do another and it’s very frustrating because I am ready to settle down and don’t have time for all the games. What signs do I need to be on the lookout for so I don’t waste my time?

– Scrambled

What should Scrambled do? Let her know in the comments below.

More from EMandLO.com:

• The 7 Rules of Dating a Co-Worker
• My Boyfriend Can’t Handle My Sexual Past
• Can Open Relationships Cure Jealousy?

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. The letter is long this week, but it’s a good read! 

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Dear Em & Lo,

I have been dating my current boyfriend for 3.5 years, and we have plans to move in together and eventually get married. He has given me a promise ring and we rarely fight or disagree on things. Things have been great between us until he got this new job. His female boss is twice his age, and is very needy towards him. He works 40 hours a week there and she is constantly texting him and with him most of the day. She then proceeds to text him for the remainder of the time that he is home, often with me.

I understand the need to be accepting of his desire to have female friends, but I feel that this relationship is inappropriate, not only in the amount of messages, but their content. The jokes that pass between them are often sexual in content, or have sexual innuendos. She constantly fishes for compliments from him. As she is his superior, I feel that this is unprofessional, but also unacceptable, as he has a girlfriend.

It is my understanding that good friends often want to know how the significant other is doing, and are interested in them. She has no interest in me, and never asks about me. She probably doesn’t even know my name, I’m just “the girlfriend.” She invited him over to her house when she had another female friend over, and he went. He wasn’t planning on telling me about it, as he didn’t think it was a big deal.

She always says things like how she misses him, sends him “xoxoxo,” and makes comments like how they will be “alone together later [wink]” She is twice his age, and he constantly tells me that it is nothing, and that they are just joking around. He doesn’t mind me reading the messages, which makes me feel like he is naive and doesn’t honestly think there is anything wrong with the messages. Personally, I think messages with sexual innuendos are unacceptable. If he doesn’t respond, she will send him 3 and 4 messages until he responds. I feel that comments he wouldn’t/couldn’t make in front of me, shouldn’t be said. Or if it isn’t something he would say to our mutual female friends, he shouldn’t say it, or shouldn’t be encouraging the comments she is making.

I want to trust him, and although I don’t think anything will happen, it bothers me that he is joking about something like that with another woman. I suppose this is a double standard, as it wouldn’t bother me if he joked like that with his male friends, but the point is that he WOULDN’T likely joke with his male friends like that, as he isn’t bi.

I’m feeling confused and upset. We did have a talk, and he said he understood and that the comments would not continue. But now I am worried that they will, they will just be deleted from the phone. I don’t want to be the girl that makes an ultimatum, seeing as this is a new job which he enjoys. But I feel that it is not an appropriate work relationship, and it makes me uncomfortable. He says that I should trust him, and that they are just jokes and have no meaning, but at what point is that taken too far? I would feel uncomfortable joking like that with another man.

Not sure what to do, or if I am being ridiculous.

– Bossed Around

What should Bossed Around do? Let her know in the comments below.

RELATED LINKS ON EMandLO.com:

• The 7 Rules of Dating a Co-Worker
• My Boyfriend Can’t Handle My Sexual Past
• Can Open Relationships Cure Jealousy?

photo via flickr
Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
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Dear Em & Lo,

I met this guy through Facebook. We met up at a bar he goes to all the time. When I come walking in he does a double take. We hit it off right off the bat! Yeah! He tells me I’m so beautiful and he can’t get over my eyes… blah blah blah…. I meet his friends that night… I take us to a friend’s place… drink lil more and of course we have some good drunk sex. Sweet but fun sex. We had each other smiling the whole time and do everytime we hook up.

He asked me the next day to come for dinner but I couldn’t. I don’t hear from him a few weeks, then I hit him up because I was in his town. And we hooked up later that night @ my pad and I made him dinner. He ineracts with my son well! We like to say I hate you a lot and joke around about getting in a fight for the make up sex. And seriously or jokingly talk bout how we are using each other for sex in front of his bro. After a good time we have sex. And this was pick me up contol me rough kissing, hair pulling, biting and slapping each other sex. Loved it!

AFTER he says he is afraid of intimacy. Hmmm… and that he is shy and standoffish the next day. He kinda was. I never bring up relationships and feelings. He was calling me sweetheart and holding my hand… like he likes me?! Somewhere in between we have the talk: I say I’m not one to call, he says he isn’t and we talk about how f**k buddies turn to more. We say this won’t but I want it to.

Next day he texts and wants to hang. We stay at my sister’s, and that night he holds me and touches me like his girl, and I do it back. We go to bed and during sex as he is laying behind me getting it, he says, “I love your p***y. We can f**k anytme you want but you start getting attached it’s over.” He seems to like me — or maybe just the arrangement??? He even talks bout us in a few months. I don’t know, is he liking me…or not?????? Then I take him home and am left to wonder when and if i will hear from him again.

– (Booty) Call Me Maybe

Dear B.C.M.M.,

Oh, where to start? We’d like to think that your “Does he like me?” question is rhetorical. Or maybe it’s a cry for help. Or is it possible that you truly can’t tell whether he likes you… or just your genitals? You don’t really need our advice — you just need to reread your letter to us, because the answers are all in there. Let’s break it down, shall we?

• You “joke” about how you are using each other for sex…except you’re not sure it’s really a joke. Here’s a plot-spoiler: He’s not joking.
• He talks about using you for sex in front of his brother. That alone should tell that he was never planning on taking you to prom… or Thanksgiving with his fam.
• He says he’s afraid of intimacy. But he’s not sharing this tidbit in a please-help-me-overcome-my-issues kind of way. He’s using this bullshit excuse to keep his distance.
• He warns you ahead of time that he will blow you off the next day. Not to apologize, mind you, just to get you prepared, so you’re not expecting breakfast and spooning in bed.
• He says, during sex, “I love your p***y. We can f**k anytme you want but you start getting attached it’s over.” Um, we think he just stated his case for the jury there.

And let’s look at the ONLY evidence to the contrary, shall we?

• You have amazing, hot, kinky sex. The key word here being “sex.”
• He calls you sweetheart and holds your hand and holds and touches you like you’re “his girl.” Sure, if he did all these things AND called you his girlfriend and said he wanted to date you, then this would be boyfriend behavior. But when a man’s words contradict his actions in a casual sex situation, we’re afraid you have to believe his words. The hand-holding is just part of the booty fun for him.
• He talks about a few months from now. Well, yeah, of course he does: he’s having awesome booty call sex with a woman who claims to want the exact same thing. Plus she cooks him dinner. Why wouldn’t he want this to keep going?

By the way, this guy is not necessarily an asshole (except for that last part about warning you during sex not to get attached — but maybe that’s just bad booty call manners). Remember, you have agreed with him every step of the way. You never bring up relationships and feelings, you told him you’re not really one to call, you waited weeks before calling him, you concur that this booty call probably won’t lead to a relationship. You tell us you want more, but you’ve never told him.

Finally, not to get all judgey on you, but are you sure it was a good idea to introduce your booty call to your son? We have no idea what kind of set-up you have at home, but we find it hard to imagine a scenario in which this makes sense. Were you hoping that introducing him to your son would help things take a turn for the serious? Because that it is truly a terrible idea.

Sorry to be the bearers of such bad news, but we owe it to you to be honest. And you owe it to yourself to be honest with the men you sleep with — and, more importantly, to be honest with yourself. Remember, if you wanna know if he loves you so, it’s not in his kiss… it’s in his words and his actions and how he treats you in daylight. The rest is just booty.

Tough love,

Em & Lo

RELATED LINKS ON EMandLO.com:

• Did I Ruin Things By Sleeping with Him Too Soon?
• How Often Do F-Buddies Become Girlfriends?
• Can I Give My Booty Call Some Ground Rules?

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below. 

I  I truly enjoy sex with my boyfriend, but I don’t orgasm through sex.  We are a relatively new couple, and he hasn’t learned how to get me off reliably with oral sex. There is a problem with his orgasm,

My fairly new boyfriend hasn’t learned yet how to get me off reliably with oral sex. He recently told me that when he performs oral sex on me, I am too quiet and, in his opinion, need to be more vocal and give more direction. I did do this once, and while he took the direction then and there, he hasn’t applied that advice to any subsequent, um, interactions. I’m afraid by constantly telling him what to do, it’ll sound patronizing, like I’m suggesting he doesn’t know anything about female anatomy. And I’m afraid it will sound like I’m complaining he can’t get me off. I just don’t want to end up offending him, especially since he has made valiant efforts. It’s not like he’s bad at sex — he just hasn’t learned my body completely yet. So how can I communicate what he should do — how he can hit the right spot — without being condescending?

– Thigh & Dry

What should T&D do? Let her know in the comments below…

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• 5 Ways to Reconceptualize Sex
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• How Do I Tell My Boyfriend He Sucks at Oral?

photo via IMDB
We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE* Advice Service!

Dear Em & Lo,

About five months ago I broke up with my girlfriend of two years and have met someone new. The other day the new girl and I were talking about various things, ideas, etc., which led me to discover that this new girl is significantly dumber (like really stupid) compared to my previous girlfriend. My problem is that I’m really worried about having a relationship with her, because my ex was extremely intelligent. I go to a top school, I have a high IQ, and I value intelligence. I like to make fun of dumb girls. I feel really disappointed (since the new girl is hot, like a 9 or a 10, which I also value) and I know that my ex set a really high standard. Am I bad person for only liking girls who are extremely smart? Why can’t good-looking girls come with their IQs tattooed onto their wrist or something? The problems and surprises that would solve.

– Intelligentist

What should Intelligentist do? Let him know in the comments below.

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• How to Get Over a Breakup in 10 Easy Steps
• How Do Men Deal with Bad Breakups?
• 5 Types to Avoid in Relationships