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Top 10 Questions We Hope Nobody Ever Has to Ask Us Again

October 17, 2013

5 Comments

We recently published a list of the top 25 questions we get asked over and over again. We’ll probably keep answering those sorts of questions until we’re old and wrinkly and everyone thinks it’s either cute or hilarious or gross (or all of the above) that two old biddies like us discuss porn and strap-ons and friends with benefits. Questions like those remind us why we’re here, why we’ve been doing this for nearly fifteen years, and why we keep on doing it even when it doesn’t pay as much as we’d like it to.

But there are some questions we hope we never receive again. Questions that make our hearts sink because they’re unanswerable or depressing or horrifying — or simply because they make us feel useless and unqualified. And so far as we could tell, all of the questions were sincere cries for help. In most cases, we served as nothing more than an unoccupied confessional booth — after all, so many of them qualify as a sort of Sophie’s Choice of sex — and in most cases, we were sincerely sorry about our inability to help.

Here they are, the top 10 questions that reminded us what a bad, mad, sad world it is out there:

1-5: DEPRESSING & UNANSWERABLE (BY US, AT LEAST):

1. Help, I’m too medicated to enjoy sex but too depressed to go off my meds.

2. I love my spouse and my children but I’m no longer in love. Should I stay or should I go?

3. I hate the way my fetish makes me feel, but I can’t feel anything in bed without it.

4. I was raped as a teen, will I ever enjoy sex again?

5. My sister and I are in love with each other. If we use birth control so she doesn’t get pregnant, is this really so wrong?

6-10: JUST PLAIN HORRIFYING:

6. I work in a morgue. I’m not asking you to judge me, and I swear I’m not making this up, I was just curious if it’s possible to contract an STD from a corpse?

7. I’m cheating on my partner, but let me tell you why I am justified in doing this so I can feel better about myself…

8. My golden retriever really seems to enjoy pleasuring me. Is it okay if my husband watches?

9. Does this look infected?

10. Does this look like an average-sized penis to you?

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Your Call: My Wife Won’t Try Anything New in Bed

October 16, 2013

6 Comments

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section.

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE* Advice Service!

 

Dear Em & Lo,

My wife and I have been together for 15 years, married for 10. We are busy parents. I feel we are equal partners when it comes to parenting and managing the house. We have even carved out time to ourselves, 1 night a week, but more often than not she is too tired for sex, let alone anything new and adventurous. I feel we have reached a plateau in our sex life. It has been vanilla for the most part but less and less frequent-10 times a year, for the last couple years. I’ve broached the subject many times and we just reach an impasse.

I’ve always focused on pleasuring her and making sure her needs are met. I am not feeling reciprocated. I’ve tried offering to indulge her in anything she wants. I bought her a collection of erotica and she rolled her eyes. I gave her a gift certificate to a female friendly sex shop a year and 1/2 ago. She still hasn’t redeemed it. There are kinkier things I’d like to experience with her but she has ZERO interest in ANYTHING new.

I have been banging my head against the wall for the past 2 years and am starting to feel resentful. I’m considering broaching the subject of an open marriage or, worse, seeking out an affair. Any thoughts?

– Taken for Granted

What advice do you have for T.F.G.? Leave it in the comments section below.

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Your Call: How Does She Proposition Her Professor After Graduation?

October 8, 2013

6 Comments

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section.

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE* Advice Service!

 

Dear Em & Lo,

Okay, so at the risk of sounding like a basket case with daddy issues, I am seeking some major advice on a delicate approach.

I have started to develop feelings for my former professor. Yes he is older, yes he is in a position of authority. We have had several personal conversations that go beyond the role of mentor/mentee. I feel comfortable around him, I find him funny and attractive. He appears to be comfortable around me. I don’t want to approach him until I graduate (one semester left) because I don’t want him to think I am after something I am not. I also don’t want to put him in a position that could jeopardize him professionally if he were interested. I think he is interested but I can’t be certain if it is just friendly conversation or he feels the same.

How do I approach him after school is done without seeming like a harpie bimbo with daddy issues? I do have genuine feelings toward him and I am really unsure how to tactfully approach this. How do I follow through?

– Don’t Stand So Close to Me

What advice do you have for D.S.S.C.T.M.? Leave it in the comments section below.

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Top 25 Questions People Ask EMandLO.com

October 2, 2013

0 Comments

As soon as people find out we’re sex advice columnists, they typically ask three things: 1) What’s the craziest question you’ve ever been asked? 2) What question are you asked most often? And, 3) Is your sex life totally awesome and way better than mine? (Oh, and then there was this one time when a guy asked Em if she could please examine his penis and tell him if it was above or below average, but he was definitely an outlier.)

To answer query one, let’s just say it’s a tie between a woman’s very friendly Labrador pet and a guy who worked in a morgue — and we’re pretty sure they were both 100% serious. As for query number three, that’s none of your business! (Trust us, the answer’s way less interesting than either the Labrador or the morgue.)

Regarding query number two, we thought we’d compile a list of the top 25 advice questions we receive over and over again — in other words, consider this our brief guide to the human sexual condition, circa 1999-2013.

  1. Why can’t I orgasm?
  2. Why can’t my partner orgasm?
  3. Can I cheat on my partner?
  4. Why did my partner cheat on me?
  5. Should I tell my partner I cheated?
  6. How can I increase the size of my penis?
  7. I hate my labia/breasts/stomach/body.
  8. Help, I no longer desire my partner!
  9. Help, my partner no longer desires me!
  10. Will sex ever stop hurting?
  11. Will my heart ever stop hurting?
  12. Where’s my G-spot and how can I ejaculate?
  13. How can I make my partner female-ejaculate?
  14. Why is my partner obsessed with porn?
  15. Why can’t my partner chill out about my porn?
  16. Why is my partner obsessed with sex toys?
  17. Why can’t my partner chill out about my sex toys?
  18. I have a great idea for a new sex toy!
  19. I’m just not that into oral sex.
  20. Why won’t my partner go down on me?
  21. How do I please my partner?
  22. How do I tell my partner how to please me?
  23. Someone I love is kinky.
  24. I’m kinky — will I ever find love?
  25. Am I normal?

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Your Call: I Forgave Husband His Affair, Now I Can’t Enjoy Sex with Him

September 30, 2013

6 Comments

photo via Flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section.

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE* Advice Service!

 

Dear Em & Lo,

I have been married for 6 years and have children with my husband. We recently had a home-wrecker tell us her 3-year-old daughter was my husband’s baby. We went through with the DNA test and she is his. If this wasn’t devastating enough, he came clean about cheating with 3 other women too.

After everything, I found it in my heart to forgive and try to save our marriage. I love him very much. The issue is sex. Every time we go to be intimate, I kind of get the image of us being together no longer being anything special and go cold. I’m having the worst time with this and he really doesn’t understand, since I’ve been so forgiving and wonderful about every other aspect. Any advice?

– My Vagina Won’t Forgive & Forget

What advice do you have for M.V.W.F.A.F? Leave it in the comments section below.

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Dear Em & Lo: I Cheated on My Boyfriend And Don’t Regret It

September 25, 2013

9 Comments

Dear Em & Lo,

So I am currently in a relationship with my boyfriend of 8 years, going on 9. We have been together since high school and are now in our mid twenties. I love him very much and used to see myself spending the rest of my life with him up until just a few weeks ago.

My girlfriends and I decided to take a little weekend getaway and on our first night there I met the most amazing guy. Instant attraction. We ended up spending the night together which turned into morning. He also ended up switching his flight so we could spend another day together. We met up for the last time and I could honestly say it will be one of the most memorable weekends of my life.

Now I’m scared to face what this means for my relationship. Am I not as happy as I thought I was? Am I settling because I’m comfortable with my situation? I know nothing could ever become of my weekend fling, but now I can’t help to wonder what else is out there for me.

I feel selfish for letting any of this happen, but the scary part is, I don’t regret it because of the amazing connection I encountered. My boyfriend is far from affectionate and does take me for granted at times, so I cant help but feel frustrated with where I am in life. Do I let him go? Do I stay and make things work? HELP!

– Dirty Weekender

Dear D.W.,

We could be like one of those annoying therapists who leans back in their chair and says, “Well, what do you think you should do?” Or, “But what do you really want to do?” But today, we’re feeling kinda prescriptive. Today, we’re going to tell you exactly what we think you should do.

Dump. Your. Boyfriend.

You cheated on him, and not just a drunken one-time thing, but repeatedly, over an entire weekend. Sober, in daylight. In fact, you two actually extended the weekend to make the cheating last longer. Worse, you don’t feel bad at all. In fact, you seem to think that the fact that the cheating experience felt so awesome — um, yeah, it does, but so does sex on meth — is what makes it more than okay. And then you attempt to justify the cheating by saying that your boyfriend takes you for granted.

Er, he takes you for granted?

We get it. You got together young, you never got to sow your wild oats, you’re an entirely different person than when you first met — hell, Miley Cyrus was still Hannah Montana when you first got together. It makes total sense that you’d want to see other people and fuck other people. We don’t fault you for that part at all. Whether or not you two are meant to spend the rest of your life together, this is an indisputable fact: It’s time to take a break, either mini or major.

So, start by breaking up with your boyfriend. If you think you’d like a future with this guy, then you need to be completely honest with him and tell him all about the weekend — because you can’t lie now and expect to get back together with him later. But if you want a clean break and you think this is it for good, then it’s fine to just break up with him and leave out the bit about your sordid weekend. (We hope it goes without saying that if you decide to disregard our advice and stay together with your boyfriend, then you absolutely need to tell him about your major indiscretion.)

You could tell your boyfriend that you just want to take a “mini break,” a la Ross and Jen, but if you go this route, then you have to tell him about the cheating — because in that case, you’re still sorta, kinda together. Personally, we’ve never put much stock in this approach, but we know it works for some people. Feel free to give it a try, but be prepared for a lot of misunderstanding. (We were on a break! It was a mini-break! And so on.)

Oh, and to answer your questions: Yes, we guess you weren’t as happy as you thought you were. Yes, you may well have been settling. Yes, nothing will ever come of this fling. As to what else is out there for you? Casual sex, hot sex, heartache, heartbreak, booty calls, unrequited love, more hot sex, more heartbreak, bad first dates, bad sex, bad dudes, nice dudes you’re not attracted to, hot dudes who don’t return your phone calls — and maybe, just maybe, the man of your dreams.

Now… Tell us what you think you should do.

Couch Potatoes,

Em & Lo

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Your Call: How Can She Save This Marriage?

September 23, 2013

6 Comments

photo via Flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. Warning: This week’s is a toughie!

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE* Advice Service!

 

Dear Em & Lo,

To set the scenario: my husband and I have been married for 27 years. Sex was always a big part of our marriage but as we have aged our sex drive has slowly dropped. What really did it for me was having a hysterectomy 5 years ago. Since the surgery I don’t seem to have any sex drive. Or at least with him. My husband is complaining that once a month is not enough for him, but I view it as a chore now, and one I’m not particularly fond of.

I should mention I’m 57 and my husband is 64. He is disabled and spends his day watching tv and playing video games. I work full-time night shifts and all house and yard responsibilities fall on me. I’m sure resentment is involved with my lack of desire for him. Oh, and I don’t have the money to go to a counselor. Any advice?

– Not Feeling It

What words of wisdom do you have for N.F.I.? Leave your advice in the comments section below.

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Dear Em & Lo: My Boyfriend Won’t Go Down on Me

September 18, 2013

8 Comments

photo via Flickr


Dear Em and Lo,

When my boyfriend and I started seeing each other he made it clear he had a problem with performing oral sex and so I’ve never asked him to do it as, after all, I wouldn’t want to do something I wasn’t comfortable with or wouldn’t enjoy. However, after nearly 2 years, I must admit I do miss oral sex. Do you have any recommendations for making oral sex more appealing for him and broaching the subject? For instance, are flavored lubes nice or do they just taste weird when they mix with my own wetness? Or should I just insist that it is a reasonable request and relationships need a bit of compromise?

Signed,
I Can’t Think of a Witty Name

 
Dear Ictoawn (ha! sounds like Icktown, probably your boyfriend’s name for cunnilingus),

Ooooh, that’s a toughie. Now, if you wrote to us saying your boyfriend really liked anal sex but you really didn’t and he was pressuring you to give in, would we encourage you to try it or to just keep your butt cheeks clenched for the sake of maintaining your own personal sexual integrity? As usual, the answer is neither black nor white. You’ve got to weigh some things: Read the rest of this entry »



Your Call: My 53-Year-Old GF Slept with 20-Year-Old Guys

September 16, 2013

4 Comments

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE* Advice Service!

 

Dear Em & Lo,

I’m 55 and my lady is 53. We are both divorced. She has slept with several guys that are 20. The guys are all friends. Each gave her # to the other after they where done with her. Within a week of getting the # and talking on the phone she had each one come over and slept with them. She hasn’t ever met the guys before this. She says she doesn’t know why.

I’m having a hard time thinking she may want to do this again. How do I trust her knowing she doesnt know why? Doesn’t this mean she could do it again if she doesn’t know why?

– Old Buck

What should Old Buck do? Leave your advice in the comments section below.

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Your Call: My Boyfriend Puts Too Much Pressure On My Orgasm

September 3, 2013

7 Comments

photo via Wiki Commons

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE* Advice Service!

 

Dear Em & Lo,

I’m having trouble having an orgasm with my BF. I am on medication (Welbutrin 300 mg, and Zoloft 25 mg). Could that be causing my problem? I mean, I’ll use toys for hours and nothing happens. Sometimes I’ll get very wet but other times I just dry up. Sex is pretty new to me. I became active at 27, I’m currently going on 29. I don’t know what it is. I came a lot one time — he used a cucumber on me and I came for the first time. I wasn’t on my medication that time, though.

He expects this to happen all the time now with intercourse. I mean, is my vagina used to the cucumber and I’m not being pleasured enough by my BF? It feels good when we’re having sex, but his goal every time is to make me orgasm. He gets frustrated and doesn’t feel like he’s good enough. I love having sex with him, but he just makes me feel like I HAVE to orgasm every time, and he gets upset when I don’t. It’s just so much pressure, plus I have a hard time trying to concentrate on my own.

I don’t know what to do! Sometimes he doesn’t want to have sex with me because he can’t make it happen. I am not his first, he’s had many women before me, and apparently I’m the only one he’s had trouble accomplishing this with. I’m pretty fed up with it. I don’t want this to be the reason we have sex. What should i do? What can I do? I’m so fed up, I don’t even have the patience to concentrate while I’m trying to masturbate myself. He’s even starting to make me feel like it’s something I have to do.

Before I was with my BF, I thought masturbation was wrong, and I wasn’t interested in it. Truthfully, I’m not really into it now. I feel stupid when I do it. Is there any hope for me? I just want to feel good and make my BF happy. What should I do?

– Veggie Booty

What should Veggie Booty do? Leave your advice in the comments section below.

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