Close up of the 17th century painting “The Rape of the Sabine Women” by Cortona 

Dear Em & Lo,

I’m not sure if I’m going to word this correctly, but here it goes. I’m 20 years old and am engaged to a wonderful man who has blessed me with a son. Before I met him I had a bad life and I had been raped 3 times. Lately during sex we have talked about what we could experiment with but rape fantasies are all I can think about. I’ve looked up on Google to see if anyone else has a similar question but no one has. I’m concerned that these “fantasies” aren’t normal for a rape victim. I know studies show that women like to be dominated but for a rape victim it should be different. In your opinion, should I seek mental help? Or do you think this is normal for me?

– Confused & Conflicted

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Dear C.C.,

First, let us start out by saying we are not professional therapists or medical professionals. But as writers on the topic of sexuality for the past 15 years, everything we’ve read and heard about rape fantasies — or, as we prefer to call them, ravishment fantasies — would lead us conclude the following:

Read the rest of this entry »

Elise 2 by Lelo

Dear Em & Lo,

I want to buy a sex toy but I am concerned that the size will affect how I will have sex with my boyfriend. I know that the intimacy of sex will never be replaced, but I would rather not jeopardize the physical satisfaction I get from sex now. I have never been with anyone else. He is on the small side of the world average, and all the products I see seem to be much larger. I currently have one that I made sure was not so much bigger than my boyfriend, and I am looking for one with a different shape. If I get a larger one (which are the majority on the market) will I be more aware of the places that my boyfriend can’t hit when we have sex?Ask EM & LO
Your Own Question!

– Concerned Shopper

Dear Concerned Shopper,

You don’t mention your boyfriend’s feelings or ego at all, so we’re assuming that you’re using these toys in your free time, without him? But just in case you’re using them with your boyfriend, too, here’s a good rule of thumb: If he’s just a bit below average, then he’s probably a tad insecure about that (in fact what guy, even an average-sized one, isn’t a little insecure about his penis sometimes?). So, when bringing toys to bed to use with your boyfriend, always use ones that are the same size as him or smaller. If you go sex toy shopping with him and he picks out the equivalent of a plastic toddler bat, then it’s game on, of course! You gotta love a guy who isn’t intimidated by a monster silicone disco stick. But let him take the lead on this.

As for your own private usage? Whatever floats your boat. It’s not like you live in a world where you have to choose between a vibe and your boyfriend’s penis, so it’s actually to your benefit if one of them can touch places that the other can’t? Why not have the best of both worlds? Sure, there are plenty of things that sex toys can do that boyfriends can’t (intense, steady, unwavering vibrations, to give just one awesome example) — but that’s why it’s fun to have sex with people and toys!

And, like you say, there are a hundred reasons (at least) why a penis attached to a person is better than a toy, so it’s impossible for one to replace the other. A penis-owner can respond to your movements and requests, a penis-owner knows your moods and your preferences, a penis-owner has hands that can rove all over your body during intercourse to all your erogenous zones, and a penis-owner can spoon you when it’s all over. So why choose, really?

However, if you are worried about your body becoming dependent on one particular kind of sensation that only a toy can provide, you can limit your phallic-shaped toy sessions and instead invest in an accessory that mimics your boyfriend’s strengths — perhaps an external vibrator or a more diminutive G-spotter. Practice with those kind of accoutrements alone — and practice without them with your boyfriend! — to train your nerve endings to respond. But remember, your body may just need a very specific kind of stimulation to reach orgasm; it’s admirable to try to condition your body to thoroughly enjoy various methods, but don’t beat yourself up — and don’t even think of denying yourself orgasms! — if after giving it the old college try nothing else seems to work.

If you want to have your cake and eat it, too, we recommend going shopping for a toy with your boyfriend, find one you’re both into, and then you can all go to bed together! We really like LELO’s Sensemotion 2 line of pleasure objects specifically for couples. For example, give the wireless remote control of the Lyla 2 to him and let him have fun driving with just the touch of a button (he can use his other hand to simultaneously touch other buttons of yours, wink wink nudge nudge!).

People for the Ethical Treatment of Penis-Owners,

Em & Lo

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photo via flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader.Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

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Dear Em & Lo,

I have gotten myself into quite a pickle and I’m desperate for some sound advice! I know you and my fellow readers will be able to help. So, here’s the scoop….

I went in to get a tattoo a while back and had an instant connection with my artist. A couple of tattoos later we started casually texting and eventually met up for drinks… all of this occurring over the span of a few months. After hanging out a few times we made the adult, yet inebriated, decision to umm… shag? Yes, we were protected. So, what’s the problem you ask? Let me explain…

I was also dating someone else and I’m falling in love with him… a feeling he shares. I don’t want to see tattoo boy in a romantic fashion, but it gets pretty complicated because he’s expressed his love for me. I have unfinished tattoos by him and I REALLY want to keep him as my artist and we have an amazing friendship that I value tremendously. The biggest problem of all? We are in business together! We are within weeks of launching our business.

How do I tell him that I don’t feel the same way he does? How do I tell him about the other guy? How do I do this without losing my artist, my business partner, and most importantly, my friend? Oh my gosh, what have I done?

-Lost in Austin

What should Lost in Austin do? Let her know in the comments below.

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• How to Get Over a Breakup in 10 Easy Steps
• How Do Men Deal with Bad Breakups?
• 5 Types to Avoid in Relationships

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below. 

Hi, I am 25 and been with my husband for 8 years and married for 1 1/2 (we also have a toddler). I have to say first that I enjoy/love pleasing him, I get off by seeing him pleased which I think is how it should be. I’m not a selfish person in bed for sure. But he is.

He wants sex right away, no foreplay what so ever, and when he’s done apparently we’re both done. I have told him many times you need to be patient and get me ready for you at least! And he does for the next couple times, but then it just stops. He rarely goes down on me and it’s so frustrating! I want to be touched everywhere and be caressed from head to toe, which I know is normal! But he doesn’t touch me. I dont understand how he doesn’t want to fully satisfy me.

After having sex yesterday he climaxed and layed down while I just layed there craving more. I called him selfish for not making me orgasm and he said well gosh you just feel so good! (so pretty much I made him climax fast so I get punished by not climaxing myself) and turned the other way and the snoring started.

So what do I do? I finish myself off alone while he’s in bed. I feel like a teenager. I know he is turned on by me,  I definitely know that. He has a high sex drive but in a very selfish way. I don’t know if he’s scared to touch me or not sure what to do…? I tell him if he’s not sure what to do I’ll guide him but it always goes straight to sex and that’s it. We have sex around 2 to 3 times a week. The actual sex is great but I feel so unsatisfied.

I have actually started to think I need to get satisfied elsewhere and that scares me since I am a married woman. I want to threaten him when I’m mad about this issue but I guess that is the wrong approach. I just wish he WANTED to do all of this naturally, I dont get it: after 8 years I can count the times I have received oral sex and the times he has really said this is about you tonight and made me orgasm several times. I kind of feel bad for myself, but then again did I do this to myself? Is it my fault for letting this go on so long? I feel I look good, I’m young and have a decent body and fix myself up daily, which he seems to love. But slowly, by him not going down on me and not being totally all over me, it’s making me get a bit insecure when I know I shouldn’t be. It’s hard when I see guys looking at me and hitting on me and I have this husband at home that is afraid to just make me climax! I mean is it really that hard?

– Frustrated & Forlorn

What should F&F do? Let her know in the comments below.

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:

• What’s a Nice Way to Give Directions in Bed?
• Your Call: My Boyfriend Is Obsessed with the Money Shot
• Dear Em & Lo: Toys Terrify My Boyfriend

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We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below. 

Dear Em & Lo,

I met a great man through an online dating service. We haven’t met, but he wants me to be his girlfriend. He is in Europe and is returning for a business trip in October. Is it possible for a man to fall in love or be infatuated with a woman through video chats?  Does that even happen anymore?

– Virtual Girlfriend

What should V.G. do? Let her know in the comments below…

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Dear Em & Lo,

I truly enjoy sex with my boyfriend, but I don’t orgasm through sex.  We are a relatively new couple, and he hasn’t learned how to get me off reliably with oral sex. He recently told me that when he performs oral sex on me, I am too quiet.

I completely understand his desire for me to be more vocal and more directive. However, I hesitate, because the very few times I have given directions, he applied the advice in the moment but then never again. And I don’t want to offend him by being patronizing or assuming he doesn’t understand the female anatomy.

I want to turn him on, and I want to orgasm when he goes down on me.  I love him, and enjoy his efforts, but he doesn’t seem to hit the right spot. How can I communicate what he should do without being condescending or patronizing? It’s not like he’s bad at this — his efforts have been valiant the few times he has tried, he just hasn’t learned my body completely yet.

– The Quiet American

Dear Q.A.,

Perhaps when your boyfriend says that you’re not “vocal” enough during oral sex, he means that you’re not being vocally appreciative enough of his efforts. In other words, perhaps he’s one of those guys who’d rather get a massive standing ovation when he’s doing something right — rather than pointers when he’s doing something wrong. (And really, who doesn’t prefer that?) If this is the case, you might want to make sure that you’re providing a lot of positive reinforcement along with your instructions. When he gets something right (and especially if he gets something right after you ask him to do it), you need to ham it up: moans, groans, writhing, oh yeahs, the lot.

Or perhaps he’s just really forgetful? It could be that once he’s between your thighs inhaling your heady scent, all coherent thought goes out the window. Which means that you need to remind him gently — as many times as it takes. If you’re worried about being condescending, turn the reminder into a compliment: “Remember that thing you did last time with your nose? It turned me on so much, could you do it again?” And so on. Perhaps he’s one of those guys who learns via muscle memory instead of rote memorization. Also, what we said before about moaning loudly when he gets it right? That should help a memory stick.

As for your fears that you’ll sound condescending or patronizing: Just make sure that you when you tell him something, it sounds more like dirty talk than text book talk. Drop the matter-of-fact voice and tell him what turns you on like you mean it.

Have you tried mutual masturbation yet, by the way? You know: you diddle you while he diddles himself — and you each watch each other. This won’t necessarily teach him about how to go down on you, but it will teach him how to pay attention to what gets you off.

If he’s the decent guy you say he is, and if he continues to try as valiantly as you say he has been, we’re sure you’ll get there eventually. In the meantime, try to enjoy the journey, as the hippies like to say.

– The Not-So-Quiet Advice Ladies

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We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below. 

Dear Em & Lo,

I have been dating this guy for a while now. We have been intimate and everything has been great… up until he ultimately finishes. If you catch my drift. He will literally stand up and try to come all over me… face and down. When he first did it, I was honestly in shock. I had no idea, and I tried to play it cool, and nicely voiced that I didn’t like that. But as I see it, he’s into that, and maybe he won’t ultimately finish unless it’s all over me? I see it upsets him that I don’t like it.

I have told him he’s been watching too many pornos and that doesn’t go down everywhere, but perhaps this is a new thing, like getting Brazilians and such? I appreciate any advice offered on how to deal with Mr. Squirtle.

- Don’t Pour Your Sugar on Me

What should DPYSOM do? Let her know in the comments below…

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Dear Em and Lo,

I have recently found that mythical man that every woman wants and movies portray. He’s financially stable, no ex drama, gorgeous (holy crap is he!), very sexy, and very tall (approx 6′ 3″-4″). The latter part of his good qualities is what’s the issue — he’s TALL. Meaning that everything else in his body is very much in proportion to his height. Catch my drift? We have been intimate recently (first time) and to put it lightly, I’m on a recovery status just short of doctor-prescribed bed rest. Everything else was mind-blowing, even the actual act was enjoyable. It’s after. I’ve tried taking Motrin and using warm compresses but it’s been 3 days and I’m still very sore and even have some light bleeding. I need to know how to lessen this happening again the next time we are together. Please help me!

–Saddle Sore

Dear S.S.,

Ouch! First of all, you probably should give your gynecologist a quick call. She may well tell you she doesn’t need to see you, but it never hurts to check in. We’re not doctors, and although we do ask Dr. Kate (who is a real doctor!) to look over our shoulders whenever questions veer toward the health-related, there’s only so much we can know from afar.

But here’s what we do know: five things you can try to make things more physically comfortable with the tree trunk:

1. Lube it up! Do you know what we like to say about lube in the sex biz? Too much lube is almost enough. And in your case, we’d say, double it. Keep reapplying throughout the sesh (a pump dispenser is great for one-handed reapplication). And don’t be a cheapskate — K-Y might seem like a bargain, and it might be the closest at hand in your corner drugstore, but it can’t compete with the higher-end, longer-lasting, heartier lubes available at sex toy outlets like Lube Sampler Pack so you can experiment until you find the one that helps you fit together the most comfortably. Or treat yourself to a nice bottle of love that’s glycerine free, paraben free, and fragrance free like Lelo’s Personal Moisturizer. We’re guessing that something sturdy like Maximus – popular with anal sex fans — will help get the job done. (Though let it be stated for the record that we don’t see a lot of anal sex in your future!)
2. Use condoms. You did use a condom, right? We’re assuming so, given that it was your first time sleeping together; if he didn’t insist on one, then perhaps he’s not Mr. Wonderful after all. But on the off-chance that you didn’t — naughty, naughty — you definitely should next time around. Not only will it help protect you against STDs and pregnancy (duh), it may also help facilitate a smoother entry and less internal tissue tearing, especially if it’s lubricated (just avoid the ones with Non-oxynol 9.)
3. Insist on foreplay. And lots of it. If Mr. Wonderful is all that, he won’t object. Especially when you tell him that the more turned on you are, the more room there is in the back two-thirds of your vagina, the better penetration will feel to you, and the greater chance for your own natural lubrication to supplement all the man-made lube you’ll be using.
4. Do it differently. With penile penetration, encourage your Mythical Man to focus on shallow penetration and slow, gentle thrusting. The missionary position is your friend — if you think it’s boring, then experiment with the Coital Alignment Technique. Remind your boyf that jackhammering is not the only way to get busy. Ask him to hold still so you can control the motion (rather than vice versa). Get on top so that you can set the pace (rather than vice versa). Play around with other positions until you find the most comfortable ones — for example, if regular doggie style feels too deep, try lying flat on your stomach and closing your legs. Call it Sleeping Doggie.
5. Re-conceptualize intercourse and sex in general. Nope, those two things are not the same. Intercourse isn’t the be-all end-all of sex, despite wide reports to the contrary (gross exaggerations, if you ask us). Spend lots of time on naked grinding, massage, “titty fucks” (just please, for the love of god, don’t call it that), handwork, oral sex, sex toys, etc. As long as you’re having fun and getting off, those things can be just as good (if not better, especially in your case) than the old in-out.

And to all the wishful-thinking guys and size queens out there, take comfort in (and a lesson from) this letter: Bigger isn’t always better.

Big fun,
Em & Lo

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call by leaving your advice in the comments section below. 

Hi Em & Lo,

I’m 28 years old and have never had an orgasm in my life (not even alone), and I’m pretty okay with that. I’d like to, and am doing what I can about it (I can get very close on my own), but in general it’s not a big concern for me at this point.

However, I’m seeing a new guy, and I love having sex with him, but I worry what he thinks about my lack of orgasm. I’ve explained the situation, and he’s understanding. But won’t a guy get tired of it after a while? Is it possible for guys to get past “giving” their partner an orgasm?

– Enjoying the Journey

What should E.T.J. do? Let her know in the comments below…

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Dear Em & Lo,

My fiance and I have been together for three years and have a one-year-old son. Although to most people we would seem to be a relatively happy couple, we do have our problems. Half of the problems now stem from our sexual relationship.

For a while now my fiance does not consider my orgasm. He really has no consideration in bed, even when I am working my hardest to please him. I am not allowed to have vibrators or any sexual toy. I am not allowed to masturbate, not even in front of him to get us both going. If he figures I am doing anything, then I am just a bitch that is replacing him.

I know he is insecure, but I don’t know how to handle it anymore. It has just gotten so out of control that he has lost all consideration for my needs and now I need help.

– I Want What He’s Having

Dear I.W.W.H.H.,

Sex does not occur in a vacuum. (There’s not enough room in there, badum ching.) Seriously, though: sex — and especially sex in a long-term, serious relationship — is as much a part of a relationship as the way you communicate or the history you share or the way your personalities complement each other’s or the kids you have together. A sexual problem is a relationship problem.

What we’re trying to say is: a man who is inconsiderate in bed is being inconsiderate, period. If he’s not respecting your orgasm, he’s not respecting you. If he’s being selfish in bed, he’s selfish. If he’s being an asshole in bed, he’s being an asshole, period. There is no such thing as a happy relationship with an unhappy sex life.

We say all this to make you feel better. Really. You need to know that it’s okay to feel angry at him. You should be angry at him. You should be mad as hell, and you shouldn’t take it anymore.

We recently advised a reader whose boyfriend was terrified of sex toys, and you might want to check out what we said to her. However, we suspect your fiancé is a tougher nut to crack. We suspect he wouldn’t be amenable to a little sex toy shopping trip. We think you need to lay down the law. Tell your fiancé the following:

1. Toys will never replace you. My hand will never replace you. But you know what might replace you? Someone who respects me both in and out of the bedroom.

2. My orgasms are a deal-breaker. If you won’t let me touch myself or use a toy when we are together, then I will go elsewhere to have my orgasms. And by elsewhere, I mean someone else’s bed.

3. The next time you call me a bitch for requesting an orgasm, I walk out.

Feel free to rephrase in your own words. Feel free to soften the blow somewhat, if you feel that a different approach would be more effective, given his insecurities. After all, you have a child together, and only you can know whether or not you want to save this relationship. But don’t give in. (Even for your son’s sake — because miserable parents who don’t respect each other, who don’t even really seem to like each other, don’t do the kid any favors.) If your softer approach doesn’t work, then feel free to quote us directly. But here’s the thing: you have to mean it. And whatever you do, woman, do not marry this man until you have sorted out this issue. (Yes, we realize that having a kid together is a bigger deal than getting hitched, but there’s no need to tighten the knot.)

If that makes us bitches, we don’t want to be anything else,

- Em & Lo

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