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Quickie Advice: I’m a Woman Who Orgasms in Her Sleep…?

November 8, 2013

0 Comments

photo via Flickr

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Dear Em & Lo,

I have been having orgasms in my sleep since I was a small kid. I have always thought there was something wrong with me because you only really hear of men having wet dreams, not women. And now I’m 26 and I still have them at lease once or twice in a month, sometimes multiples in one night. What the hell causes this? I ain’t mad about it of course, just curious as to why. Please help?

Yours truly,
Sweet Dreams

 

Dear S.D.,

This is what we like to call a good problem. Plenty of women enjoy nocturnal orgasms — not as many as men who do, which is why we generally think of this as a guy thing — but believe us, this is a normal occurrence for gals (similarly, it’s totally normal not to have them). There are several possible reasons for this: a sexy dream, good genital blood flow, sexual tension, a healthy sex drive… Nothing that needs to be “fixed.” As long as you’re not literally losing significant sleep over this, then just enjoy it — and be grateful you probably don’t have to clean up afterwards like the guys do!

Zzzzzzzzzz,

Em & Lo
 

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Why Does My G-Spot Feel So Good… Then Hurt So Bad?

November 4, 2013

1 Comment


photo by liz_noise

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Dear Em & Lo,

When my partner stimulates my G-spot, it starts off feeling incredible. I then slowly feel how it becomes more and more sensitive (even while becoming more sensitive it feels nice), however I eventually come to a point where the sensitivity becomes almost too much too bear. And I feel I need to pull away. It goes from feeling nice, to incredible, to incredible but sensitive to too sensitive. What does his mean? I have never experienced an orgasm before, so I don’t know what it is supposed to feel like. But the sensitivity I feel is to the extreme that I cannnot bare it.I  have tried relaxing and going past the point, but it’s just so sensitive. I don’t understand.

– G-Spotter

Dear G-Spotter,

This is absolutely 100% normal. Some women love having their G-spot stimulated from start to orgasmic finish. Others don’t feel anything at all when their G-spot is located. Others find G-stimulation annoying or even painful from the get-go. And still others — and you obviously are in this category — find it both pleasurable and painful. It’s just part of the way your body works.

The G-spot is actually the area of the urethral sponge (or female prostate) that can be felt and stimulated through the top wall of the vagina, a few inches inside and up toward the navel or the back of the pubic bone. Because the G-spot actually sits behind the vaginal wall, and because G-spot stimulation basically involves pressing on the urethra (and in the vicinity of the bladder), it makes sense that the sensation is annoying or even painful to some women (and just makes others think they have to pee, even when they don’t).

If you’re really interested in exploring the G-spot further, you might try having your partner reach it via intercourse instead — perhaps this will cause less painful sensitivity. You want to focus on shallow penetration and positions that direct the penis toward that spot on your vaginal wall (doggie style often works). Oh, and make sure you pee first, too!

But it could be that you’re simply not built for extended G-spot pleasure, and that clitoral stimulation is the way to go instead. Don’t worry, despite what Freud said, these kind of orgasms are far from inferior! Try experimenting with clitoral stimulation instead — hands, tongue, toys, etc — both during intercourse and outside of intercourse, and see how that works out. The good news is that with clitoral stimulation, you can add man-made lube to help ease any sensitivity issues.

Have any other readers out there experienced something similar with G-spot stimulation? Please weigh in below if so!  In the meantime, you can explore the links below for even more information about G-exploration. But don’t bum yourself out trying — remember, there’s more than one way to float your little man in the boat!

O.G.’s,

Em & Lo

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Dear Em & Lo: Should I Stay with a Cheat for My Newborn Baby?

October 29, 2013

7 Comments

photo via flickr

Dear Em & Lo,

I am engaged to the father of my child. Since I met him, it has been one problem after another. He has brought debt into my life; there is a rumor that goes around that he is sleeping with my co-workers; I just found out that any time he goes on a trip, he sleeps around; and he is still in communication with his ex-girfriend, though he claims he has not spoken to the girl for a long time. What surprises me is that he lies so much. I would love to break the engagement, but am feeling sorry for my six-months-old baby. I am confused — I have tried to forgive, but I can never trust him again. Will things work out?

– Love Wears Blinders

Dear L.W.B.,

Oh, we hate the hard ones!

If we were a Magic Eight Ball, we would answer your question, “Will things work out?” with the succinct: “Outlook not so good,” or “My sources say no,” or “Don’t count on it.” Actually, screw that — the Magic Eight Ball is not nearly blunt enough. Here’s our short answer: Get out now.

This is based on the assumption that he is cheating on you during trips, that you are absolutely not okay with an open relationship, and that his good points do not outweigh his money problems or his chronic lying. You said it yourself: You would love to break the engagement. There’s your answer.

We know your head must be foggy in a newborn haze — caring for a six-month-old baby is more than enough for one woman to handle with a supportive partner. But add in the lying, the cheating, the philandering, and the debt, and it’s no wonder you’re unable to think straight.

Will things work out? Maybe not in the exact way you’d like them to, but they’ll work out for you and your baby if you’re proactive about insisting on certain standards for your lives. You need to sit down with your partner and confirm that all of this is, in fact, true. Assuming it is, call off the wedding (at least for now) and explain clearly what you want and need out of a relationship and a partnership. Tell him that he needs to meet these needs and earn back your trust before you can even consider getting re-engaged — and if he trips up again, you’re out of there for good. (His relationship needs may include being able to get a little somethin somethin on the side, in which case: case closed.)

Of course, if you know deep down in your heart that he won’t change, then move out and move on now.

We feel terrible for your six-month-old baby, and we feel terrible for you, too, but you both deserve better. This is no environment in which to raise a child. You do not need to stay with this guy for the sake of your baby. You are a strong woman — you’ve made it this far, after all! Turn to friends, turn to family, turn to people who you can trust. Those are the kind of people you and your child need in your life right now.

Be strong, and know that, in this case, doing what’s best for you is doing what’s best for your baby.

We’ve got your back,

Em & Lo

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Your Call: Is This a FWB Situation or Something More?

October 28, 2013

5 Comments

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE* Advice Service!

 

Dear Em & Lo,

I’m currently in a FWB relationship. We both broke up with long term partners about 3/4 weeks ago. After chatting on a night out, he asked me back to his place, he called me beautiful etc, and we got intimate. I know the alcohol helped, but he said he was glad I was single and that he was really attracted to me.

Anyway, a few days later he said he wasn’t looking for a relationship, which is understandable — the same was true for me. However, after work a few days later, I drove him home and instead of sleeping together we just chatted for nearly four hours in my car. Nothing happened, he just gave me a hug (not typical of a FWB relationship).

I then went on a night out with some friends where he was working, and he seemed to watch me from behind the bar for most of the night. I ended up back at his place. We had a cup of tea and watched telly, chatted and hugged. This then led to intimacy, after which he again spooned with me and kissed the back of my neck and held me all night.

We have chatted about our personal lives and childhood stories. He has accidentally met my mum and he thinks she’s lovely blah blah. He originally said he wasn’t going to tell anybody but then yesterday I found out he had told his flatmate about whats going on.

Basically does he want more than a FWB relationship? I don’t want to ask him and ruin a FWB situation or a friendship.

– FWB?

What should FWB do? Leave advice for her in the comments section below.

 

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Top 10 Questions We Hope Nobody Ever Has to Ask Us Again

October 17, 2013

5 Comments

We recently published a list of the top 25 questions we get asked over and over again. We’ll probably keep answering those sorts of questions until we’re old and wrinkly and everyone thinks it’s either cute or hilarious or gross (or all of the above) that two old biddies like us discuss porn and strap-ons and friends with benefits. Questions like those remind us why we’re here, why we’ve been doing this for nearly fifteen years, and why we keep on doing it even when it doesn’t pay as much as we’d like it to.

But there are some questions we hope we never receive again. Questions that make our hearts sink because they’re unanswerable or depressing or horrifying — or simply because they make us feel useless and unqualified. And so far as we could tell, all of the questions were sincere cries for help. In most cases, we served as nothing more than an unoccupied confessional booth — after all, so many of them qualify as a sort of Sophie’s Choice of sex — and in most cases, we were sincerely sorry about our inability to help.

Here they are, the top 10 questions that reminded us what a bad, mad, sad world it is out there:

1-5: DEPRESSING & UNANSWERABLE (BY US, AT LEAST):

1. Help, I’m too medicated to enjoy sex but too depressed to go off my meds.

2. I love my spouse and my children but I’m no longer in love. Should I stay or should I go?

3. I hate the way my fetish makes me feel, but I can’t feel anything in bed without it.

4. I was raped as a teen, will I ever enjoy sex again?

5. My sister and I are in love with each other. If we use birth control so she doesn’t get pregnant, is this really so wrong?

6-10: JUST PLAIN HORRIFYING:

6. I work in a morgue. I’m not asking you to judge me, and I swear I’m not making this up, I was just curious if it’s possible to contract an STD from a corpse?

7. I’m cheating on my partner, but let me tell you why I am justified in doing this so I can feel better about myself…

8. My golden retriever really seems to enjoy pleasuring me. Is it okay if my husband watches?

9. Does this look infected?

10. Does this look like an average-sized penis to you?

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Your Call: My Wife Won’t Try Anything New in Bed

October 16, 2013

6 Comments

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section.

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE* Advice Service!

 

Dear Em & Lo,

My wife and I have been together for 15 years, married for 10. We are busy parents. I feel we are equal partners when it comes to parenting and managing the house. We have even carved out time to ourselves, 1 night a week, but more often than not she is too tired for sex, let alone anything new and adventurous. I feel we have reached a plateau in our sex life. It has been vanilla for the most part but less and less frequent-10 times a year, for the last couple years. I’ve broached the subject many times and we just reach an impasse.

I’ve always focused on pleasuring her and making sure her needs are met. I am not feeling reciprocated. I’ve tried offering to indulge her in anything she wants. I bought her a collection of erotica and she rolled her eyes. I gave her a gift certificate to a female friendly sex shop a year and 1/2 ago. She still hasn’t redeemed it. There are kinkier things I’d like to experience with her but she has ZERO interest in ANYTHING new.

I have been banging my head against the wall for the past 2 years and am starting to feel resentful. I’m considering broaching the subject of an open marriage or, worse, seeking out an affair. Any thoughts?

– Taken for Granted

What advice do you have for T.F.G.? Leave it in the comments section below.

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Your Call: How Does She Proposition Her Professor After Graduation?

October 8, 2013

6 Comments

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section.

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE* Advice Service!

 

Dear Em & Lo,

Okay, so at the risk of sounding like a basket case with daddy issues, I am seeking some major advice on a delicate approach.

I have started to develop feelings for my former professor. Yes he is older, yes he is in a position of authority. We have had several personal conversations that go beyond the role of mentor/mentee. I feel comfortable around him, I find him funny and attractive. He appears to be comfortable around me. I don’t want to approach him until I graduate (one semester left) because I don’t want him to think I am after something I am not. I also don’t want to put him in a position that could jeopardize him professionally if he were interested. I think he is interested but I can’t be certain if it is just friendly conversation or he feels the same.

How do I approach him after school is done without seeming like a harpie bimbo with daddy issues? I do have genuine feelings toward him and I am really unsure how to tactfully approach this. How do I follow through?

– Don’t Stand So Close to Me

What advice do you have for D.S.S.C.T.M.? Leave it in the comments section below.

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Top 25 Questions People Ask EMandLO.com

October 2, 2013

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As soon as people find out we’re sex advice columnists, they typically ask three things: 1) What’s the craziest question you’ve ever been asked? 2) What question are you asked most often? And, 3) Is your sex life totally awesome and way better than mine? (Oh, and then there was this one time when a guy asked Em if she could please examine his penis and tell him if it was above or below average, but he was definitely an outlier.)

To answer query one, let’s just say it’s a tie between a woman’s very friendly Labrador pet and a guy who worked in a morgue — and we’re pretty sure they were both 100% serious. As for query number three, that’s none of your business! (Trust us, the answer’s way less interesting than either the Labrador or the morgue.)

Regarding query number two, we thought we’d compile a list of the top 25 advice questions we receive over and over again — in other words, consider this our brief guide to the human sexual condition, circa 1999-2013.

  1. Why can’t I orgasm?
  2. Why can’t my partner orgasm?
  3. Can I cheat on my partner?
  4. Why did my partner cheat on me?
  5. Should I tell my partner I cheated?
  6. How can I increase the size of my penis?
  7. I hate my labia/breasts/stomach/body.
  8. Help, I no longer desire my partner!
  9. Help, my partner no longer desires me!
  10. Will sex ever stop hurting?
  11. Will my heart ever stop hurting?
  12. Where’s my G-spot and how can I ejaculate?
  13. How can I make my partner female-ejaculate?
  14. Why is my partner obsessed with porn?
  15. Why can’t my partner chill out about my porn?
  16. Why is my partner obsessed with sex toys?
  17. Why can’t my partner chill out about my sex toys?
  18. I have a great idea for a new sex toy!
  19. I’m just not that into oral sex.
  20. Why won’t my partner go down on me?
  21. How do I please my partner?
  22. How do I tell my partner how to please me?
  23. Someone I love is kinky.
  24. I’m kinky — will I ever find love?
  25. Am I normal?

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Your Call: I Forgave Husband His Affair, Now I Can’t Enjoy Sex with Him

September 30, 2013

6 Comments

photo via Flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section.

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE* Advice Service!

 

Dear Em & Lo,

I have been married for 6 years and have children with my husband. We recently had a home-wrecker tell us her 3-year-old daughter was my husband’s baby. We went through with the DNA test and she is his. If this wasn’t devastating enough, he came clean about cheating with 3 other women too.

After everything, I found it in my heart to forgive and try to save our marriage. I love him very much. The issue is sex. Every time we go to be intimate, I kind of get the image of us being together no longer being anything special and go cold. I’m having the worst time with this and he really doesn’t understand, since I’ve been so forgiving and wonderful about every other aspect. Any advice?

– My Vagina Won’t Forgive & Forget

What advice do you have for M.V.W.F.A.F? Leave it in the comments section below.

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Dear Em & Lo: I Cheated on My Boyfriend And Don’t Regret It

September 25, 2013

11 Comments

Dear Em & Lo,

So I am currently in a relationship with my boyfriend of 8 years, going on 9. We have been together since high school and are now in our mid twenties. I love him very much and used to see myself spending the rest of my life with him up until just a few weeks ago.

My girlfriends and I decided to take a little weekend getaway and on our first night there I met the most amazing guy. Instant attraction. We ended up spending the night together which turned into morning. He also ended up switching his flight so we could spend another day together. We met up for the last time and I could honestly say it will be one of the most memorable weekends of my life.

Now I’m scared to face what this means for my relationship. Am I not as happy as I thought I was? Am I settling because I’m comfortable with my situation? I know nothing could ever become of my weekend fling, but now I can’t help to wonder what else is out there for me.

I feel selfish for letting any of this happen, but the scary part is, I don’t regret it because of the amazing connection I encountered. My boyfriend is far from affectionate and does take me for granted at times, so I cant help but feel frustrated with where I am in life. Do I let him go? Do I stay and make things work? HELP!

– Dirty Weekender

Dear D.W.,

We could be like one of those annoying therapists who leans back in their chair and says, “Well, what do you think you should do?” Or, “But what do you really want to do?” But today, we’re feeling kinda prescriptive. Today, we’re going to tell you exactly what we think you should do.

Dump. Your. Boyfriend.

You cheated on him, and not just a drunken one-time thing, but repeatedly, over an entire weekend. Sober, in daylight. In fact, you two actually extended the weekend to make the cheating last longer. Worse, you don’t feel bad at all. In fact, you seem to think that the fact that the cheating experience felt so awesome — um, yeah, it does, but so does sex on meth — is what makes it more than okay. And then you attempt to justify the cheating by saying that your boyfriend takes you for granted.

Er, he takes you for granted?

We get it. You got together young, you never got to sow your wild oats, you’re an entirely different person than when you first met — hell, Miley Cyrus was still Hannah Montana when you first got together. It makes total sense that you’d want to see other people and fuck other people. We don’t fault you for that part at all. Whether or not you two are meant to spend the rest of your life together, this is an indisputable fact: It’s time to take a break, either mini or major.

So, start by breaking up with your boyfriend. If you think you’d like a future with this guy, then you need to be completely honest with him and tell him all about the weekend — because you can’t lie now and expect to get back together with him later. But if you want a clean break and you think this is it for good, then it’s fine to just break up with him and leave out the bit about your sordid weekend. (We hope it goes without saying that if you decide to disregard our advice and stay together with your boyfriend, then you absolutely need to tell him about your major indiscretion.)

You could tell your boyfriend that you just want to take a “mini break,” a la Ross and Jen, but if you go this route, then you have to tell him about the cheating — because in that case, you’re still sorta, kinda together. Personally, we’ve never put much stock in this approach, but we know it works for some people. Feel free to give it a try, but be prepared for a lot of misunderstanding. (We were on a break! It was a mini-break! And so on.)

Oh, and to answer your questions: Yes, we guess you weren’t as happy as you thought you were. Yes, you may well have been settling. Yes, nothing will ever come of this fling. As to what else is out there for you? Casual sex, hot sex, heartache, heartbreak, booty calls, unrequited love, more hot sex, more heartbreak, bad first dates, bad sex, bad dudes, nice dudes you’re not attracted to, hot dudes who don’t return your phone calls — and maybe, just maybe, the man of your dreams.

Now… Tell us what you think you should do.

Couch Potatoes,

Em & Lo

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