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Your Call: Can I Expect Pleasure If My Wife Is in Pain?

January 13, 2014

8 Comments


photo via Flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section.

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Dear Em & Lo,

My wife has a condition that basically when she has an orgasm she has very uncomfortable pain in her chest and coughs for a period of time. Now this is not that she is unable to have an orgasm its that she currently doesn’t feel that an orgasm is worth the pain and discomfort that it will cause.  So obviously that means no sex. This has been the case for the last 3 months. 

I have been patient but I want to feel the connection that sex brings. I am ok with not having vaginal sex so that she doesn’t have an orgasm, but there are many things that she can do with me that would make me feel that same or at least close-to-the-same connection that the intimacy of love-making brings. I have said that I would be ok with just having her lie next to me while I masturbated (she would not even have to touch me) just so I can feel close to her in an intimate way.

So my question is: am I out of line and unreasonable to ask some kind of intimate replacement for vaginal sex from her or should I not expect to have an orgasm if she isn’t as well? I am willing to do whatever she wants and is willing to do in order to achieve the intimacy, but she does not want to do anything.

– Neglected

What advice do you have for Neglected? Leave it in the comments section below.

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Your Call: My Route to Orgasm Is Too Complicated for Husband

January 6, 2014

4 Comments

Antique map via Flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. You can leave your advice in the comments section below — for this question in particular, we thought that a group answer might help. We figured, the more suggestions, the better, especially as she’s tried so much already! 

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Dear Em & Lo,

Here’s another “I can’t orgasm with my partner” question, but if I hear one more suggestion about relaxing, more foreplay, show him how you do it, experiment… I’m going to scream!

I’ve been with my now husband for over 8 years, and despite being EXTREMELY close to orgasm countless times, I am just unable to get over the edge. I started masturbating at a young age — before I even know what it was. During my teens I was a pretty habitual masturbator. I used to only masturbate on my stomach with both hands over my underwear, and often with even more material for added friction. Now I am able to masturbate on my back or in a reclined position, and even with one hand directly touching myself (though this is harder). But I always have to either watch pornography or fantasize in order to orgasm.

My husband and I have always been very open sexually and I’ve tried so many times to guide his hand in all kinds of positions to try and help me orgasm. In the end he has never been able to execute the exact sequence of moves/pressure/location that I need in order to reach orgasm.

I feel like I’m some kind of freak that needs such a specific sequence of stimulation (that changes each time, mind you), that there’s no way I will ever be able to experience an orgasm that isn’t my own doing. I’m so sick of reading advice that suggests showing him what to do or having him stimulate my clitoris during sex or whatever other generic uselessness there is out there on the internet.

Is there some way that I can train my body to orgasm with a different form of stimulation than I’m used to? I currently need clitoral stimulation, but not direct, then clitoral and G-spot stimulation but from outside, not inside the vagina, then just G-spot pressure from outside… it’s ridiculous. It’s completely impossible during intercourse, so forget that idea, but is there any way I can learn to orgasm from his manual stimulation at least?! Help!

– Searching for Orgasm 2.0

What should Orgasm 2.0 do? Leave your advice for her in the comments section below.

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The New Year’s Issue

December 19, 2013

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A Refresher Course for Your New Year’s Kiss
Brush up on your midnight pucker up.

 


20 Naughty New Year’s Resolutions
Screw the gym membership.


What’s a Man’s Ideal New Year’s Eve?
Good wine. Good food. Good friends. And maybe a disco beat?

 


One More Time: What’s a Man’s Ideal New Year’s Eve?
Three more of our Wise Guys lay it out for you.

 

vintage_couple_bed_love0003
Your Sex-Related New Year’s Resolutions
More great ideas for the brand new year.

 


Is Your New Year’s Resolution to Be Single? Hello, D-Day!
January is the season for divorce, but don’t blame it on office holiday party nookie.

 


Top 10 Kinky New Year’s Resolutions
Which includes buying our book 150 SHADES OF PLAY, of course! (Now on sale for less than ten bucks so as not to conflict with your any budget-conscious resolutions!)

2013 According to Miley Cyrus and Jennifer Lawrence

It’s a year-end quote-off between 2013′s mouthiest twenty-somethings!



Your Call: How Do I Set Limits in a New BDSM Relationship?

December 18, 2013

3 Comments

photo via Entertainment Weekly
We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. You can leave your advice in the comments section below (for a reader who appears to be dating a Christian Grey wannabe). 

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Dear Em & Lo,

Do you have any advice for setting limits in a new BDSM relationship?

My boyfriend is a dom and wants few limits. I’m new at this and don’t really know where my limits are other than the obvious of no kids, no animals, don’t kill me. So we’re kind of at a stand off. Any guidance would be appreciated! Thank you!

– In a Vanilla-Chocolate Swirl

What should Vanilla-Chocolate Swirl do? Leave your advice for her in the comments section below. (And in case no one else mentions it, we’d like to point out that Fifty Shades of Grey is NOT a how-to manual for kink. But this book is!)

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Dear Em & Lo: What to Do About a Jelquing Injury

December 3, 2013

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Dear Em & Lo,

A friend of mine has injured his manhood due to Jelqing. Urologists don’t know anything about Jelqing. Where could my friend turn to someone who might know what to do once a Jelqing injury has happened?

– A Friend Indeed

Dear Friend,

It’s so kind of you to write on behalf of your “friend.” And what close friends you must be, that he is willing to share the damage he did to his manhood while trying to enlarge it! If only everyone had a friend like this.

Anyway, back to your “friend.” (Oh, what the hell, maybe you’re telling the truth, and maybe you have truly never tried Jelquing yourself, and maybe it’s not that you’re too embarrassed to tell two sex advice writers, even via an anonymous online contact form, that you hurt yourself by attempting to enlarge your penis.)

The very simple answer is, your “friend” (sorry, your friend) needs to get to a urologist, and stat. Sure, not every urologist may have heard of Jelquing, but they are all pretty familiar with the penis. That’s their job, after all. Would you say that a urologist was unqualified to help if your friend had injured his penis during a raucous game of Twister… and the urologist had never played, or even heard of, the board game Twister? Urologists deal in penises, both the healthy ones and the injured ones, and they’re the best qualified to help your friend.

As for you: The best thing you can do to help your friend (besides writing to advice columnists when he is too distraught over his injured penis to take hand to keyboard) is to remind him that Jelquing is not safe. (Then again, after that, he probably doesn’t need reminding.) In fact, as we have said here before many times, the entire field of penis enlargement is one big ball of don’t.

Jelquing has gained widespread interest thanks to the internet — and, in particular, thanks to spammers! (Which should tell you everything you need to know.) In case you need help decoding the signs, the short story is: It doesn’t work. More importantly, it could do some serious damage to a man’s number one guy. Here’s a good rule of thumb: If someone tells you something will increase penis size, they’re lying. Let’s say that one more time, shall we? If someone tells you something will increase penis size, they’re lying. We hope your friend recovers soon and isn’t forced to learn this lesson in a way that causes permanent damage. The sooner he calls a urologist, the better.

Hang in there, as the bros say,

Em & Lo

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Your Call: Does the “Pass the Underwear” Trick Really Work?

November 26, 2013

7 Comments

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader.  The reader below wants to know how to give her boyfriend the best Thanksgiving ever. Leave your suggestions in the comments section below. 

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Dear Em & Lo,

How do I make my man have the best orgasm he’s ever had? If I slip my underwear off and give them to him discreetly when we are in public, will it turn him on?

– Pantsless in Seattle

What should P.I.S. do? Leave your advice in the comments section below.

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Dear Em & Lo: How Do I Tell a Guy How Inexperienced I Am?

November 20, 2013

5 Comments

photo by Balakov

Hey Em & Lo,

I’m currently 26 and, yep, a virgin. I haven’t been “saving myself” and have no reason for this phenomenon other than I’ve never had the opportunity! (I had low self-esteem in high school, I was involved with theatre in college and all my crushes were gay in college, blah blah blah.)

I’ve never been in a relationship, and since I don’t want to lose the v-card to a random guy or someone I don’t trust, I haven’t done the deed yet. Here’s the tough part: I also haven’t done anything with a man past making out and a little first base. Again, this has not been by choice, the opportunity just never presented itself! Luckily, I may start dating a guy really soon, and I’m excited to see where it goes….

Here’s my problem: while I’m perfectly comfortable telling him that I’m a virgin and that I’ll gladly and willingly have sex with him sooner than later, how/do I tell him that I’m way more inexperienced than most women my age? I have no history with giving a blowjob, receiving oral, or even giving a handy!! (Ugh, sad, I know). I’m so afraid that 1. It’ll turn him away and I’ll never gain that experience or 2. That he’ll be okay with it but I’ll be TERRIBLE at all of it. It’ll be like being with an inexperienced teenager!

Do I come clean when the situation arises? Do I practice at home? Or am I doomed to live forever as a sad, sexless spinster? Help!

– The 26-Year-Old Virgin

Dear 26-Y.O.V.,

First of all, can we just say how happy we are to hear that your low self-esteem in high school translated to zero sex? For many girls, low self-esteem at that age translates to lots of unsatisfying, even dangerous sex or years of unreciprocated oral sex with assholes. Consider yourself incredibly lucky that instead, all of your low self-esteem lead to the theatre and some unreciprocated crushes on gay men. You clearly weren’t ready to have sex back then, and because you managed to avoid it (or because sex managed to avoid you!), it’ll be all the more fun now that you are ready.

And the reason we say you’re ready is not because you’re twenty-six, but because you get that, while the guy doesn’t need to be “The One,” he does need to be someone you trust — more than just some random guy looking to collect V-cards. And if he’s someone you trust, then you can tell him everything: That you’re a virgin, not just in the technical sense, but in the truest sense of all.

If he likes you, we’re pretty sure he’ll find this confession endearing, possibly even a turn-on. You can make it clear to him — to avoid freaking him out — that you haven’t been saving yourself for “The One,” you just never got around to getting lucky. You could even joke about it, and ask him if he’s willing to be your guinea pig and let you practice on him — who could say no to that?

In terms of being prepared, you could do worse than read (ahem) one of our books, like Sex: How to Do Everything. (The links below may also help.) Some advance reading will help familiarize yourself with all of your own and his anatomy, as well as the sort of activity you might encounter in the bedroom. But don’t feel like you have to memorize the whole thing: Browse the book on your own first, and then return to it throughout the relationship — the more you do with your boyfriend, the more the book will make sense. Hey, you could even suggest reading it with your boyfriend. When we wrote Sex: How to Do Everything, our goal was for it to be the kind of book that a couple could read together in bed, i.e. it reads more like foreplay than an instruction manual. Ask your boyfriend — when you make him your boyfriend! — with your best cheeky grin, to help you with your “homework” (Britney Catholic schoolgirl outfit optional).

And here’s the thing: If you like the guy and you want to please him and you want him to please you, then you’re not going to be terrible in bed. We promise you! Good sex is simply a matter of communication: Ask him what he likes, tell him what you like — you don’t need to know in advance, just tell him what feels good when he does it — and learn as you go. Every body is different, every penis is different, every clitoris is different, so we’re all learning on the job anyway, whether we’ve had sex a hundred times or just once. In fact, you might even be better in bed due to your inexperience, because you won’t be hampered by any false assumptions about what works for guys.

Remember, above all, to be honest, be safe, and have fun! And if you’re ever not having fun or not feeling safe, then it’s okay to slow down or even stop, no matter how much you promised your boyfriend you were up for.

xo,

Em & Lo

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Your Call: My Boyfriend Won’t Put in Any Effort

November 18, 2013

7 Comments

photo via flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. We seem to be getting a lot of bad boyfriend letters lately — maybe these women just need to hear your Greek Chorus in order to do what needs to be done. Say it in unison in the comments section below. 

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My boyfriend and I have been dating for 7 months and I confronted him about him not putting any effort into hanging out or spending time with me. I live 45 mins away, and I’m the only one who drives for us to hang out. He said that he wants to see me more, that once a week is not enough, and that he wants me to challenge him because if I don’t he will walk all over me. What does this mean and what do I do?
 

– Driving Me Insane

What should DMI do? Leave your advice in the comments section below.

 

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Your Call: Can You Downgrade 3-Year Relationship to “Casual”?

November 12, 2013

8 Comments

photo via Flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE* Advice Service!

Dear Em & Lo,

I have been in a relationship on and off with a guy for 3.5 years. The longest break we have had was our last break up which has lasted 5 months. There was no contact during that period of time. We bumped into each other a couple of months ago on a night out and ended up hooking up that evening and seeing each other a couple of times in the last two months.

Our break ups were always down to him. One minute everything was amazing, we never argued, had lots of quality time together, and the next minute he was gone saying “my feelings have changed,” “I dont know what I want.” Within a month or two he would be back again wanting to “try again.”

After this happening a number of times, my patience wore thin, and each time it happened the break up “aftermath” got worse and worse. My reaction to it got angrier and angrier, and this resulted in huge fights during each break up period. The ironic thing is that we only argued when we WERNT together.

The position I am in now is this. He tells me he loves me, enjoys spending time with me but is frightened and reluctant to commit for fear of “getting cold feet again” and having the fallout from me that that would cause. He says he doesn’t know what he wants but knows he doesn’t want to lose me from his life entirely either.

He has suggested that we start a “casual relationship” with no expectations or goals as he doesn’t know what he wants because of his track record for jumping ship, so he can’t give me any commitment or reassurances of where it could lead.

I really don’t know what to do. Having a history with him and having feelings for him makes a “casual” agreement difficult. I don’t understand his reluctance to commit to a relationship on the grounds of him fearing he will jump ship again, because at the end of the day he can do that anyway in a casual relationship.

I question if his desire to have a “casual relationship” is his way of absolving himself from any guilt of hurting me if he did jump ship again. After all, if I agree to a casual setup he is then able to say, ” Well, it was just casual, free of commitment with the freedom of changing my mind any any point.”

– Woman Overboard

Leave your advice for Woman Overboard in the comments section below.

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Quickie Advice: I’m a Woman Who Orgasms in Her Sleep…?

November 8, 2013

0 Comments

photo via Flickr

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Dear Em & Lo,

I have been having orgasms in my sleep since I was a small kid. I have always thought there was something wrong with me because you only really hear of men having wet dreams, not women. And now I’m 26 and I still have them at lease once or twice in a month, sometimes multiples in one night. What the hell causes this? I ain’t mad about it of course, just curious as to why. Please help?

Yours truly,
Sweet Dreams

 

Dear S.D.,

This is what we like to call a good problem. Plenty of women enjoy nocturnal orgasms — not as many as men who do, which is why we generally think of this as a guy thing — but believe us, this is a normal occurrence for gals (similarly, it’s totally normal not to have them). There are several possible reasons for this: a sexy dream, good genital blood flow, sexual tension, a healthy sex drive… Nothing that needs to be “fixed.” As long as you’re not literally losing significant sleep over this, then just enjoy it — and be grateful you probably don’t have to clean up afterwards like the guys do!

Zzzzzzzzzz,

Em & Lo
 

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