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Dear Em & Lo: Why Did My Boyfriend Cheat Down?

August 14, 2013

3 Comments


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Dear Em & Lo,

My a-hole live-in boyfriend cheated on me for more than a year before I found out and dumped him. I found out because I was suspicious and snooped on his laptop while he was out and found hundreds of emails between them. I also found photographs of her in these emails. I read the emails from her and she doesn’t seem very funny or all that smart, and she’s way less attractive than me, too. I’m not a vain person, but I definitely have a better body than she does. I always figured that if he cheated on me, it’d be for someone way hotter and younger, or better than me in some way, someone who offered something I can’t. WTF?

– Too Good for this Sh*t

Dear T.G.F.T.S.,

Who knows why your boyfriend cheated on you with this woman? Maybe she makes a mean blueberry cheesecake, maybe she just luuuurves giving blowjobs, maybe she’s rich, maybe she saves baby birds when they fall out of trees, maybe she’s going to put your boyfriend in her next movie, maybe she’s a good drinking buddy, maybe she doesn’t ask too many questions about where he spends the night, maybe she makes him feel hot and funny and smart… or maybe she’s just not you. Maybe she was just there.

Here’s the thing: people who cheat break the rules. That’s the nature of cheating: Cheaters get some kind of thrill out of breaking the rules and getting one over on their partner. Instead of putting on their big girl pants and breaking up with someone, they decide to have their cake and eat it, too. So what makes you think that this kind of person would follow any sort of rule or code when it comes to cheating?

We’re sorry your boyfriend cheated on you, but we think it’s time you took the high road. Yes, you’re “too good for this shit” when it comes to being two-timed — nobody deserves that. But you might want to take a closer look at the way you’re judging this woman, the way you’re judging your ex’s taste in women, and the way you judge what makes someone an ideal partner. Just because you’re the prettiest, smartest, funniest woman in the room, doesn’t mean you always win. Move on and find someone new who deserves you. And, hey, don’t discount the short, ugly guys, mmmkay?

Too Old for this Sh*t,

Em & Lo

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Dear Em & Lo: My Fiance Won’t Let Me Use a Vibrator During Sex

August 7, 2013

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Dear Em & Lo,

I am 24 years old and am recently engaged to my boyfriend of 2 years. We have been very open with our sexual problems but one I just can’t see to get him to understand is that I can’t have an orgasm with just sex. I have to use a vibrator to get off. This has been a problem with every relationship I’ve ever had. It doesn’t matter what we do, how we do it, or if I quit using the vibrator all together, all I’m left with is frustration and I go back to the tried and true.

It’s been bogging us down so much lately that I’m worried that it will become a core problem in our marriage. I love the act of sex and I really want to enjoy it WITH him, rather than wait til he’s finished and finish myself or do it beforehand. What can I do?

– Vibe Tired

Dear Vibe Tired,

You’re wondering whether this will become a core problem in your marriage? Hell yeah, it will! You say that you’ve been very open about your sex problems and it’s all going well except for this one thing… But orgasms aren’t just one little thing. They’re pretty much the main thing!

But more important even than orgasms are these things: Empathy. Respect. Compromise. Your fiancé is seriously lacking in all three.

You cannot marry this man until you’ve sorted out this problem. He needs to understand that most women can’t climax from intercourse alone. Most women need some help, be it from a hand or a toy. Maybe give your fianc√© a guided tour of your vulva sometime, and point out exactly how far the clitoris is from the vaginal opening?

Tell your fianc√© that you love him and are attracted to him and you want to climax with him. Tell him that there is only one way for this to happen. Tell him you are simply not down with having your orgasm on your own, like some maid on Downton Abbey eating in the servants’ quarters. ¬†Sure, maybe after a few years of marriage, you will find another way to climax — or maybe you won’t, who knows? The important thing is, your fianc√© doesn’t get to decide how, when, and where you have an orgasm. What decade does he think he’s in, anyway?

You need to say these things calmly and clearly. (Maybe skip that last part about what decade he’s in unless you’re spoiling for a fight!) Suggest that your boyfriend hold the vibrator so he feels part of the equation. Maybe you guys could try a finger toy that he actually wears, or a small pebble-like vibrator (we love the Lily by LELO) that fits neatly between your bodies. Or perhaps a vibrating love ring¬†for his number one guy? Make sure you splurge on a vibrator that is well-designed and quiet, so the buzzing isn’t a buzz kill.

And if he still says no? Then break out the big guns and say that this is the deal breaker for you. If he won’t put a love ring on it, then you won’t put a ring on it.

Sex Writers for Orgasm Equality,

Em & Lo

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Is Cuckolding a Real Trend, Or Just Another Internet Meme?

August 5, 2013

8 Comments

photo via flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your thoughts in the comments section. 

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*PRIVATE* Advice Service!

 

Dear Em & Lo,

A lot of erotica & porn is devoted to cuckolding (either interracial or less racially oriented). Observers claim that many women are happily liberating their “inner slut” by freely exploring their sexuality, mostly via fuck-buddy-style sex with partners outside their primary relationship (boyfriend or spouse), & often with BF or husband’s permission, encouragement or participation.

Is all this supposed increase in women being free to “fuck around like men do” just another internet meme or popular theme in porn — or is such a phenomenon truly occurring to any significant degree? The blogs (tumblr & elsewhere) that flaunt amateur pics & video are quite numerous, so I wonder if this might in fact be a growing subculture, in the US & Europe. Any insight you can offer?

– Cuckold-Curious

Leave your thoughts for C.C. in the comments section below!

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Dear Em & Lo: My Love-Hate Relationship with Doggy-Style

July 24, 2013

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photo via Flickr

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Dear Em & Lo,

I’ve always found “doggy style” sex to be naughty and hot visually. A lot of my fantasies include my boyfriend and I having sex in this position. However, when we actually try “from behind” tactics, I feel like I have to pee. I think this might be an indication that G-spot stimulation is a bad idea for me, but I would really like to find a from-behind position that is both comfortable and hot.

Your loyal reader,
Lassie

 

Dear Lassie,

Actually, G-spot stimulation done right WILL make you feel like you have to pee…

Read the rest of this entry »



Your Call: Would You Date Someone 30 Years Older?

July 22, 2013

8 Comments

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE* Advice Service!

 

This week’s question from a reader is very simple: Would you date someone 30 years your senior?

Let us know what you think in the comments section below. And, of course, don’t forget to tell us how old YOU are, and whether you’re male or female. In this case, we think both are pretty pertinent!

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Dear Em & Lo: My Boyfriend Always Chooses Masturbation Over Me

July 17, 2013

4 Comments

photo via flickr
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Dear Em & Lo,

I have been dating my man for over 6 years. For the past 4 yrs, our intercourse has gone from 2x/wk to once every 2 months. He explained to me it’s because he’s tired, he wants to keep it ‘tight,’ I’m coming on 2 strong or that he’s just not in the mood. I’ve honestly tried everything: massages, constant BJs, initiating sex, toys, dress up, talking, etc. I clean the house, prepare 3 meals, never complain, ask for miminal help, pay for 2/3 expenses and still find time to want to please him every way I can.

Yet, he still prefers masturbation over sex with me and I’ve caught him cheating on me with a hooker when I was 5 wks preg with his child. He claims he loves me, I feel like he does, but I am really confused as to why I feel like he’s using me for everything but sex unless it’s the last resort for something ‘new’ (I say new b/c that’s how it feels since he can go months without sex with me).

I don’t think I am unattractive and I can confess I have a great body after childbirth, but I feel like I am ready to cheat on his ass if he doesn’t put out. We’ve already talked out this but he hasn’t budged from his position and still we don’t have sex often. He masturbates in the bathroom every night and yet I am here looking good and ready 2 go.

Should I be concerned about him preferring masturbating even when I can play along however he chooses? Should I go ahead and find my satisfaction elsewhere cuz I’m starting to feel like I don’t give a flying fuck anymore even tho that’s just pussy talking horny.

I feel at a loss even more b/c we’re supposed 2 be married soon but I don’t want 2 marry some1 who has sex with me once a fucken month IF I AM LUCKY. We are like best friends, I don’t get why he won’t just fuck me crazy. Goodness.

– Girlfriend of the Year

Dear Girlfriend of the Year,

You’re confused?! WE are confused. We are confused how you could possibly be confused by this situation. We’re confused that you would even ask us if you should be “concerned.”

If this man is like a best friend to you, then we hate to imagine how your enemies treat you. And if you honestly believe that this is how a man in love acts, then we think you need to raise your standards a little.

You’ve tried everything. You’ve tried more than everything. You’ve given him more chances than any man deserves, you’ve made dinner, and you’ve made your case clear. There’s only one thing left to do: Get the hell out of dodge!

We know it’s complicated when you share a child with someone, but that’s no excuse to get yourself in even deeper with such an asshole. Do you really think your child deserves to grow up in a house with a father who cheated on you with a prostitute while you were pregnant? That right there should have been game over.

Trust us, it’s not “horny pussy” talking, it’s your entire body that is screaming, ENOUGH ALREADY.

Please, for the love of all that is good in this world — for the love of your child, if nothing else — do not cheat on him. Do not stoop to his level. Do not double-down on this shitty situation. Just. Get. Out.

On your side,

Em & Lo

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Your Call: How Do I Mentally Unblock My Orgasm?

July 9, 2013

6 Comments

photo via flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE* Advice Service!

Dear Em & Lo,

I was a virgin when I met my husband, and eight years into the marriage, the sex has gotten twenty times better. However, no matter how hard he tries or lasts, I seem to self-sabotage my orgasm. I get to a nine and then get tired, panic, or just lazy. I want my orgasm but I can’t seem to let go and turn myself off to allow it. My mind will do either all three things above — or worse, just get distracted by a thought about work, etc. It’s like mentally I’m blocked, or somehow trained to not allow an orgasm. How can I unblock and orgasm?

– This One Wants to Go to Eleven

What words of wisdom do you have for Eleven? Leave your advice in the comments section below.

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Dear Em & Lo: I Like My Co-Worker More Than My Boyfriend

June 26, 2013

3 Comments

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Dear Em & Lo,

I have a bf of 6 years, but I am crushing on my coworker who is very different than my man.

I have been with my now bf on and off for maybe 6 years. I love him, but we don’t get to see each other very often. Probably like once or twice a month because of distance and different schedules. We’ve been good for now though and I think our relationship is more solid than it was before. He is really cute, sexy, nice, funny, and charming. He knows everything about me and gets me. I can be myself around him.

Now I have a problem. I am starting to like my coworker. We’ve only been working with each other for less than 1 year. He’s completely different than my man and is less attractive, shorter, and skinnier but I don’t care. I dunno if this is because we work together so I get attracted to him since I see him a lot. But I see qualities in him that my bf lacks, such as being more gentle and sensitive. I don’t think he could harm a fly. My bf is smart too, but my coworker is extremely brilliant and I find that to be such a turn on! I think he’s more mature than my man too since it appears he thinks more before he speaks.

I don’t know if these feelings are here because I’m also a bit nervous since my man and I have had a rollercoaster relationship before, breaking up and getting back together more than 3 times. And each time we broke up it’s for the same reason and then I hate myself for getting back together with him.

But I don’t want to gamble on my current relationship for this feeling. And the person of interest is a coworker so I can’t even act on it since we work closely. And I feel like sometimes he’s flirty with me too and he always checks up on me at work to make sure I’m doing okay and I think it’s so thoughtful and sweet. My coworker knows I have a bf and he is very shy and I know he would never act on it because I know he thinks it’s messed up to try to get a girl that already has a bf. My coworker always makes fun of me too so I think he may have a slight attraction? He makes fun of me more so than he jokes about other people we work with.

I’ve only seriously dated my current guy right now too so I don’t know if I’m supposed to be dating around more. I’m 24. My bf and and my coworker are also 24. My gut is telling me that no matter how much I love my current bf, it will probably not work out in the future because of our pattern of fights. But another part of me is saying I need to be happy with what I have since he is really great and gets along with my friends and I think his family adores me.

My biggest question is what do I do? I don’t want to ruin what I have and I know my bf would be so upset it would ruin our relationship forever. I don’t want to ruin something that may not even have potential. Please help.

– Bird in the Hand

Dear Bird in the Hand,

You’re twenty-four! Does that answer your question? Because it should.

But clearly it doesn’t, because you wrote this letter to us, so we’ll say it a little more clearly. You’re twenty-four! We happen to think that even ninety-four is too young to settle for someone just because they get on with your family and friends, but twenty-four is definitely way too young to be thinking like this.

Whether or not you end up dating your co-worker — and you seemed to have answered your own question in this regard: it’s just not appropriate in your particular office environment — we think you need to let yourself be, well, twenty-four. You’ve got so much time to figure out what you want in a relationship, and it’s way easier to do this when you’re not attached to someone.

We’ll say it again: You’re twenty-four! You should be having a blast, flirting up a storm, and dating anyone who takes your fancy. If you fall head over heels, feel free to get all mushy and hand-hold-y and serious, but until then — and it doesn’t sound like you’re there yet — have some fun, dammit!

– Two Birds

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Your Call: How Do I Know If He’s the One?

June 24, 2013

4 Comments

photo via flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE* Advice Service!

 

Dear Em & Lo,

I want to be in a long-term relationship, but I don’t know if I’m choosing the right man. Is it true that if we can live without someone, then we don’t love them?

– Put a Ring On It?

What words of wisdom do you have for P.A.R.O.I. about knowing when someone is “The One”? Leave your advice in the comments section below.

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10 Tips to Stop Hating Your Body Enough to Have Sex

June 19, 2013

1 Comment

photo via Flickr

Dear Em & Lo,

So, I think that I just might (fingers, eyes, everything but legs crossed) get cozy with a guy I’ve been crushing on forever. We’re friends, but frequently get a bit romantic when we hang out and naughty-text once in a while. I would love to have a relationship with him. He’s funny, adorable, and we get along so well. Then there’s the problem…

He’s HOT. I’m talking smoke show. Super muscular and athletic, cute face, perfect teeth — the whole shebang. All of my friends think he’s a babe. However, I am not physically perfect. Far from it. Don’t get me wrong, I think I’m quite pretty, but I have lost 140 pounds, and had a baby. So basically my body is WRECKED. I really need a tummy tuck (or three), but I can’t afford it and insurance doesn’t cover it. And no, it’s not like a little pooch. It’s a big ol’ deal.

I usually have great confidence in the sack because the few guys I’ve been with had their own body-quirks, too. I look pretty decent with clothes on, but I’m afraid that if it ever were to happen, he might get weird. (All of his past girlfriends had good bodies). I know I should be all “girl-power!” but I just don’t feel that I can muster up enough to get nekkid in front of him. I don’t want to not be my confident, happy self. I wish I could just ask him “Hey, would this be a big deal?” but that seems weird. Help!

Please sign me,
ButterBody (everything’s good but her body)

Dear BB,

You go girl!

Sorry, we couldn’t help ourselves: you’re just so awesome. Can we be friends?

You have pretty much summed up the feelings and fears of every woman in this country (except for a few in the L.A. area) when it comes to getting naked in front of someone. Thanks to our lad-mags, ladies-rags, airbrushed, porn-obsessed, women-as-objects, celebrity-uber-fit culture, the female of the species is all fucked up when it comes to body image. The standards are near-impossible to meet, unless you deny yourself all culinary delights, can afford a personal trainer, have the time to work out three hours a day, and don’t age. Bonus points if you have an eating disorder!

Nothing we can say will make you stop hating your body. That’s a thought pattern carved deeply into the crevices of your brain that only years of therapy and maybe a great plastic surgeon could even begin to erase. But maybe we can help you muster up enough to get nekkid in front of him with these 10 points:

  1. Know that it’s not as bad as you think. Yes, we know, it’s bad. But it could be worse (hello, 140 extra pounds!…or a basketball-sized goiter…or a tail).
  2. Do NOT say, “Hey, would this be a big deal?” In a perfect world, we’d tell you to say absolutely nothing and just act like you’re totally comfortable in your own skin. But we understand the impulse to want to publicly acknowledge the disappointment you have in your own body. For this reason, you may make a self-depricating, jokey comment ONCE about you two being in different body classes before you do it. But you may NOT whine, complain, ask for reassurance, or go on and on about your bad body to him. At least not as a part of foreplay.
  3. Just act like you’re totally comfortable in ¬†your own skin. Oh shit, we said it. Well, it’s true. Confidence is sexy, self-consciousness is not, so fake it if you have to. Make like a honey badger and don’t give a shit. Because pretending you don’t give a shit is the best way to come as close as possible to really not giving a shit.
  4. Turn the lights off. Do it at night. Keep some clothes on. Stay under the sheets. There’s no need to hit the overhead florescents and start doing jumping jacks in front of him.
  5. Stick with the missionary position. So you have gravity working for you, not against you.
  6. Break open a bottle of wine. We’re not saying get blotto, but if it’s going to happen, a nice little buzz beforehand may make you (and him) not care so much.
  7. Don’t let your self-hatred make you miss out on life. Even if you do it and it sucks, chances are on your death bed you won’t be saying “I really shouldn’t have slept with that smokin’ hot guy I was really into and who I got along great with.” But it you don’t do it, you might end up saying “I wonder what would have happened if I’d slept with that smokin’ hot guy I was really into and who I got along great with.”
  8. Not to pile on, but remember that there are other things to worry about. Sure, it may not work out. But there are plenty of things besides your less than perfect body that might get in the way, like the fact that he’s not that great in bed, that you have incompatible astrological signs, that it turns out you really don’t like him as much as you thought….
  9. Fuck like a dude. Make like a man and hook up with a hottie if the opportunity presents itself without shame, reservation or (too much) self-reflection. Don’t worry about him and what he’s thinking; instead focus on your pleasure and how pumped you’ll be to be able to tell your friends you did it with a smoke show.
  10. Use sex as a litmus test. If you do it and your body is a deal breaker for him, then consider yourself lucky that you found out what a superficial, shallow prick he is early on.

We know this isn’t ideal, perfect-world, politically correct, aspirational advice, which is the kind of stuff we usually go gaga for around these here parts. But this is one case where we’re willing to come down from the rafters and get our hands in the dirt: women’s body image issues is emotionally messy stuff — imperfect and un-pretty. But hopefully, when we all talk openly and honestly about how fucked up it is, we’ll all be a little easier on ourselves and allow ourselves to enjoy our bodies and their potential pleasures a little more.

Honey Badger Wannabes,

Em & Lo

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