Em & Lo: Sex. Love. And Everything in Between. » Advice http://www.emandlo.com Your daily dose of advice, news, and stories about sex, love, and other important stuff. No yoga mat required. Tue, 30 Sep 2014 21:31:16 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 10 Worst Things About Married Sex http://www.emandlo.com/2014/09/10-worst-things-about-married-sex/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/09/10-worst-things-about-married-sex/#comments Tue, 30 Sep 2014 11:00:28 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=30096
Before Midnight

Before all the married people out there take offense, we should note that we are both married, and happily so. We’re not curmudgeons; we already listed the 10 Best Things About Married Sex – and for the record, those ten things were way easier to come up with! – but we believe firmly in looking at both sides of the picture (not in a Fox-News-climate-change-denier-”scientists” way, but in a realistic way). Also, the stuff below is just plain true, at least sometimes. In reality, though, there’s no contest: we’ll take married sex every time. So consider the list below a warning not about how bad married sex is, but about how bad it can get if you don’t pay a little attention.

1. It’s Sex with the Same Person… For the Rest of Your Life

We suppose we may as well get this one out of the way with first, seeing as, for many people, this is the only thing you need to know about married sex. Even if you’re in an open relationship and get to throw other people into the mix, you’re still sleeping with one person — your spouse — over and over and over again. All the chemistry and communication in the world can’t match the occasional boredom this will cause.

2. It’s Easy to Go On Autopilot

As we noted in our list of superlatives about married sex, marriage means having an advanced degree in each other’s bodies. It’s great to know each other’s sweet spots so well, but this also means that it’s all too easy to check out during sex and go on autopilot. You get lazy about paying attention to the way your partner’s body responds to something, and you get lazy about staying in the moment. Sure, it’s great not to have to concentrate so hard during sex, but it’s not so great when you find yourself thinking about what you’d like to eat for dinner.

3. You Rely On Old Routines

When you find something that works in bed, it’s easy to turn to it again and again and again. For example, if you’ve figured out how to have simultaneous orgasms in bed, then it takes a team effort to agree to try something else that might not have such a happy ending, at least not the first (or first hundred) times. When you first start sleeping with someone, every sex session feels like an opportunity to learn more about your partner, but with married sex, it’s easy to plateau and not realize it (or simply not care).

4. You Put Off Trying New Things

Remember Scarlett O’Hara’s famous quote at the end of Gone with the Wind?  Well, when you’re married, tomorrow is always another day. And you can find yourself putting things off endlessly because you figure, hey, we’ll be having sex for decades, there’ll be time later. Time later to try a new position, time later to try something kinky, time later to work on living out that fantasy together.

5. You Hold Old Grudges

The longer you’ve been with someone, the more things they’ve likely done over the years to annoy you. Perhaps it’s the way they spray the mirror with toothpaste every time they brush their teeth, or the way they load the dishwasher, or the way they sneak glances at their phone during mealtimes. Big or small, these grudges can pop up when you least expect them — and being reminded of one of them right before, or even during sex can seriously spoil the occasion.

6. You Know Each Other Too Well

We’re constantly saying that communication is the key to good sex, but the problem with all that communication is that it develops a real bond. Don’t get us wrong, bonding with your spouse is pretty awesome — that’s the essence of modern marriage, after all. But intimacy can be at odds with eroticism in the bedroom. Desire requires some kind of distance, which can mean that the closer you get to your partner, the harder it is to step back and truly desire them. We burp, we fart, we might even poop when the other person is in the room. We ask each other to check our bodies for tick bites, or apply ointment to a hard-to-reach mole that the dermatologist removed. Having someone around to check your butt crack for tick bites is one of the many advantages of marriage — who else is going to do that for you, after all? — but these things do tend to eat away at the mystery, which can lead to sex that feels companionable rather than steamy. Comfort sex like this, at the right time, can be just what the doctor ordered — but it’s hard to transition from comfort sex into, say, Japanese rope bondage or roleplaying doctor and nurse. It’s too easy, in this mode, to resort to laughter rather than taking the kinky scenario seriously — you’ll be more likely to crack each other up than turn each other on. Of course, cracking each other up in bed is one of the benefits of married sex, but it’s nice to get kinky every now and then, too.

7. Everything Is a Quickie

If you can climax quickly together, sometimes it’s hard to see the point in taking the scenic route instead, especially when sex ends up at the very bottom of your to-do list — after taking the kids to dance class, packing their school lunches, watching some awesome new show on Netflix, etc, etc. So the quickie ends up becoming your new baseline. Which can sometimes feel like you’re nothing more than a human masturbatory aid for your spouse.

8. You Have No New Material

Unless you commit to learning new things together (er, may we politely suggest one of our books?) or decide to open your marriage, once you stop sleeping with other people, there are no new partners to bring new ideas to the table (or, rather, to the bedroom). So your repertoire is now permanently limited to the things you two knew when you first met. Which is a very good reason to keep reading EMandLO.com daily!

9. You’re Not Always Particularly Attracted to Each Other

It’s simply not possible to be hot and heavy for your partner, every day, til death (or divorce) do you part. Attraction between spouses waxes and wanes over the years, and this is totally normal. You might find yourself stuck for months in one of these valleys and wondering if you’ll ever desire your partner again — and then, suddenly, you do. But when you’re stuck there, having sex with your mate can feel a lot like homework (or worse).

10. You Take the Sex for Granted

One of the great things about getting married is that you’ll never again have to stay out til three a.m. drinking vodka-Red Bulls and hoping that your creative dance moves will get you laid. Sex is right there waiting for you two, even when you’re both sitting on the couch in sweats. Besides, the level of obsessive primping and polishing you do at the beginning of a relationship cannot realistically be maintained 24/7 over a lifetime together, when kids/illness/aging happens. So it’s easy to take married sex for granted, and stop trying to impress each other, which only exacerbates the lack of mystery. And, of course, the more often you take married sex for granted, the more likely you are to turn around one day and find yourself suddenly no longer able to take it for granted after all.

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Your Call: The Relationship Is Great, the Sex Not So Much http://www.emandlo.com/2014/09/your-call-the-relationship-is-great-the-sex-not-so-much/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/09/your-call-the-relationship-is-great-the-sex-not-so-much/#comments Mon, 29 Sep 2014 09:36:33 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=30199
photo via Flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE*
Advice Service!

 

 

Dear Em & Lo,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years. We have a very healthy relationship and I love him to bits. I have a problem with our sex life. For the first year or so he didn’t make me orgasm at all. But I’m pretty laid back, and in that new relationship bliss I was happy just having sex with him. When I finally got sick of never climaxing, we had a really awkward conversation about it and some things changed, i.e. he starting using his fingers when going down on me, and I can get off when I’m on top. Still, I probably climax maybe 1 out of 5 times when we have sex and it bothers me. I find it hard to get turned on because I know there probably isn’t a happy ending for me.

To complicate things, my relationship with my ex (and only other boyfriend) was lacking in all other respects but was super sexually satisfying. We could spend, quite literally, an entire Sunday having sex and I had orgasms all the time. My current boyfriend is better looking, better endowed, and all around much more amazing, but I am so much less excited about having sex with him. The only thing I can think of is that it doesn’t matter to him whether I have an orgasm or not. It feels like he isn’t trying. By contrast, my ex really enjoyed getting me off.

I feel like talking about it has not gotten me where I want to go, and I’m afraid if I keep bringing it up he will get discouraged and give up altogether. I really miss having great sex. I don’t know how to fix this.

– Blue Box

What should BB do? Leave your advice in the comments section below.


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5 Ways the Meyer Briggs Test Can Improve Your Relationship http://www.emandlo.com/2014/09/5-ways-the-meyer-briggs-personality-test-can-improve-your-relationship/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/09/5-ways-the-meyer-briggs-personality-test-can-improve-your-relationship/#comments Thu, 25 Sep 2014 16:25:44 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=30176
by YourTango  |  photo via flickr

Having different personality types affects your relationship more than you realize. Are you like me? In a relationship with someone vastly different from you?

Whenever I am planning a trip, I start thinking about what I am going to pack at least three weeks ahead of time. I have created a master packing list of necessities for travel that I keep on my computer. That way I can modify the list depending on the time of year, climate at my destination, length of time I will be gone and purpose of the trip. About five days before “lift off,” I begin to set aside what I will need. I usually feel excited as I get ready and make sure that I am 100 percent prepared by the time I zip my suitcase closed before departure.

My husband, on the other hand, is a last minute packer. He doesn’t seem to give any thought to preparation until the day of the excursion when he often throws some clothing into a suitcase an hour before we leave home. Meanwhile, I stand by on the verge of a panic attack in fear that we will miss our flight. One November when we traveled from balmy California to blustery Canada, as we were gathering our belongings to disembark from the plane, he realized that he had forgotten to bring his winter jacket. As a result, he was chilled to the bone until we made it to a nearby mall to purchase a new one.

Read the rest over at YourTango.com: Driving Each Other Crazy? It’s In Your DNA

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How to Figure Out What Your Sex Dream Means http://www.emandlo.com/2014/09/how-to-figure-out-what-your-sex-dream-means/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/09/how-to-figure-out-what-your-sex-dream-means/#comments Thu, 25 Sep 2014 11:00:21 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=30129
photo via flickr

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it (18 and older only, please). This week, a reader asks Lauri:

Last night I had a dream that I was at a school for a “lock-in” or something of that nature. During this event, I let a gay man perform cunnilingus on me while surrounded by people that I knew; however, I was not able to make out any faces. No one seemed to be bothered by it for whatever reason. I really seemed to be enjoying it, so much that I covered his face with a blanket and began to gyrate his face — and I also felt aroused in my sleep. It was really weird, but I have been having all sorts of weird dreams lately. I looked on different sites but could not find anything close to the actual dream, “heterosexual women has oral sex with a homosexual man…and likes it”! Please give me some insight!

Lauri: Here are some tips to help you figure out your dreams in the future:

1. Your dreams are always about you. Everything and everyone in your dream represents some part of your own self and some part of your life.

2. Your dreams can always be connected to something from the previous day: something that happened, something you talked about, something that was on your mind.

3. I have a really good book that will help you understand your dreams like never before! It’s called Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams, Change Your Life, and you can get it here.

Now, knowing that everything in your dream is some part of you, let’s see if we can figure out what this gay man represents. Usually, when a woman dreams of an unknown gay man, he will represent her male, assertive energy, the part of her that “has balls,” so to speak. But your male self is gay… but was behaving in a very heterosexual manner. This may mean that you aren’t recognizing your male assertive side for what it really is. This may be why you covered his face with a blanket. Is there something you are wanting to keep under wraps right now? Or something you do not want to have to face?

Oral sex in a dream is actually about intimate conversation in real life. (anytime the mouth is involved in some form or fashion in a dream you need to look at your recent, real life communications). You were the receiver in the dream, so perhaps you were recently told something that excited you but that you don’t want others to know.

And typically when other people in a dream could care less about what you are doing, like when we’re naked in public but no one else seems to notice or care, it’s because your wise dreaming mind is trying to show you that the particular issue you are concerned about is not anything anyone else in your real life is giving any energy to.

So ask yourself what is it right now that has you excited yet concerned? The message of the dream is, don’t sweat what others may think about it. This is all about you and not them.

Visit Lauri’s brand new site, WhatYourDreamMeans.com, for even more dream interpretations! If you want to be able to figure out your own dreams every morning, then check out her latest book, Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, which will give you the tools you need to become a dream expert, too. Check out all of Lauri’s books here.

 

 

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How to Make Your Ravishment Fantasy Come True http://www.emandlo.com/2014/09/how-to-make-your-rape-fantasy-come-true/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/09/how-to-make-your-rape-fantasy-come-true/#comments Thu, 25 Sep 2014 11:00:13 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=30139

There is perhaps no sexual fantasy that disturbs people more than the rape fantasy.  Even people in committed, loving relationships who have successfully navigated such a fantasy with massive amounts of communication and trust can feel weird about it. Readers often ask us, “What’s wrong with me that I’m into this?” Well, as we have written before on this site: Nothing! The ravishment fantasyas we prefer to call it — is one of the most common, especially among women. (Here’s why.)

So if you’d like to make your own ravishment fantasy come true tonight, here are a few tips:

1.  Be in Love

Fantasies in general, but in particular ravishment fantasies, are best acted out with a long-term partner that you love, someone you can talk to about anything. Negotiating this kind of roleplay requires a boatload of communication and trust. Sure, some people like to act out rape fantasies with near strangers, but that’s crazy risky behavior, and not the sort of thing we’re talking about — or condoning — here.

2. Be Committed to the Role

Some people get all giggly and self-conscious at the thought of role-playing. While retaining the ability to laugh at yourself and the absurdity of sex is usually a good thing, a case of the giggles is really going to make it hard to get or stay in this particular mood. Try to remain in character.

3. Be Equally Committed to the Fantasy

Both parties have to be 100% on board with acting out this fantasy. This is not the sort of thing you should attempt to talk your partner into. Playing around with power dynamics in the bedroom can be heavy stuff, and if one person is unsure, serious damage can be done to a relationship in terms of trust.

4. Be Okay with It

Domination and submission fantasies are extremely common (hello, Judith Krantz novels?). And they aren’t automatically indicative of past abuse or some issue that needs to be worked out. Remember, what you two are doing isn’t actually rape: you are in control of the situation and the person in the submissive role is being dominated by someone they want to be ravished by, by someone they’ve given consent to. We’ve said it before, we’ll say it again: Just because you like to be tied up, spanked, and called “bitch,” doesn’t mean you’re a bad feminist. This type of fantasy can just be a fun/creative/intense way to add spice to a sexual relationship, especially long-term ones.

5. Have a Plan

You need to talk through this fantasy in advance and in detail: What exactly you each have in mind, what is okay, what is definitely not okay, etc. Go into specifics: Is hair-pulling okay? How about being tied up? Name-calling? How much pain do want to inflict/enjoy? Etc, etc. The more you discuss things in advance, the more you can lose yourself in the moment.

6. Have a Safeword

A safe word is a signal that either of you can use in the heat of the moment that means “stop” or at least “time out,” just in case things get too uncomfortable, either physically or mentally.  Don’t make it “stop” or “no,” because when you’re acting out a scenario — and you are acting — you want to be able to use words that heighten the drama. So go with something like “red light” or “taco night,” or, our fave, “babyfishmouth.”

7. Be Safe

A little bruise here or there is okay: a bit of safely inflicted pain can feel kinda good when you’re in a heightened state of arousal (as anyone who’s been spanked on the tush during sex can attest). Just be careful not to get too much into character: you certainly don’t want to end up with a broken wrist or a kick in the nuts! Genuine damage — physical or mental – should not be the goal here.

8. Debrief Afterwards

Cuddle, hold each other, express your love for each other, and then have a little post-play analysis: What worked, what didn’t, what you could do better next time, if you could go even further next time, if there will even be a next time… Remember, the more you communicate before and after this sort of fantasy, the more you can disappear into your respective roles during the fantasy itself.

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What Guys Really Think When a Woman Has Sex on the First Date http://www.emandlo.com/2014/09/what-guys-really-think-when-a-woman-has-sex-on-the-first-date/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/09/what-guys-really-think-when-a-woman-has-sex-on-the-first-date/#comments Tue, 23 Sep 2014 11:00:46 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=30116

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “Does sleeping with a guy on a first date really ruin my chances for a future relationship with him? What if it’s obvious we really like each other, the chemistry’s great, we have a lot in common, and we’re both horny?”

Straight Married Guy (Figleaf): I don’t think first-date sex together ruins your chances but it does change them.  You know the critical little “voice in your ear” that says, “Hold off: good girls shouldn’t ruin their ‘reputations,’” even when you’d rather not wait?  Men get that too.  Only ours says “Go for it now: losers never get another chance.” Neither “voice” is telling the truth but they can have an effect anyway.  Sometimes when we have sex right away the social pressure those “voices” represent get in the way of everything else we might feel about each other. So for both men and women I think it’s worth it to wait at least for the rest of your feelings catch up. And since when did horny have a shelf-life anyway?  Even waiting a few days (three days, not three dates) gives you both time to talk, a chance to take showers and sleep on it in your own beds, a time to decide what you really want instead of what you think you should do, and… time to get your respective bedrooms tidy and kitchens stocked for intimate guests.

Gay Single Guy (Daniel): Thinking that putting out on the first date will kill off any romantic possibilities is pandering to an old skool way of thinking about sex and love: that the guy must court, wait a gazillion years while the woman’s heart oh so steadily burns and yearns and he tries to satisfy himself on a nightly basis, Onan-style, until they are finally wedded before sex can even be in the equation. In the 21st century, sex on the first date could very well just mean that you “have a lot in common and were both horny.” Sex doesn’t always complicate, nor is it always a barrier to further emotional intimacy. On the contrary, in fact. Consider all the gay couples around the world who meet each other on a sex date/Internet hook-up/anonymous sex excursion, find that there are other things they like about each other and end up happily part of a pair years later. What really ruins future relationships is being dishonest about your needs and desires. So fuck on the first date if you like! Any guy who would dismiss you for it despite having such a great connection otherwise is too much of a fool to keep on seeing anyway.

Straight Single Guy (Mark): I don’t think there are too many absolutes in this crazy game of love, so a first-date romp doesn’t necessarily preclude any future relationship potential. What is a universal absolute regarding potential relationships is that communication is key (trite as it sounds, it’s so true). Let’s say you and your date are lucky enough to totally “connect” in all the ways mentioned above, and are also comfortable enough to acknowledge to each other how much you are on the same page, even about getting physical right away (and of course, as Em & Lo have taught us, keeping in mind, and also communicating about, all the relevant important safety issues involved!). Well, in a way, you already have some fantastic “They were inseparable (figuratively in this case, heh) from the moment they met!” romantic potential built right in!  So why, then, does the fun have to stop at the bedroom doorway? Now, as we know, it’s not always such an ideal world, with perfect communication right off the bat, so exercising a modicum of restraint (and building up anticipation for the fun after a subsequent date soon to follow) isn’t the worst thing in the world, either. So go with the flow.

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Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Gay Guy is one-time stripper and sex columnist Daniel; our Straight Married Guy is Figleaf, the guy behind RealAdultSex.com; and our Straight Single Guy is Mark Luczak, a tech god at Carnegie Mellon University (he was single when we first asked him this question, but he is now married!). To ask the guys your own question, click here.

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Your Call: My Husband Won’t Give Me Oral http://www.emandlo.com/2014/09/your-call-my-husband-wont-give-me-oral/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/09/your-call-my-husband-wont-give-me-oral/#comments Mon, 22 Sep 2014 14:42:09 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=30105

photo via flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE*
Advice Service!

 

Dear Em & Lo,

Okay, So me and my husband have been together almost 3 years married for 2 and he’s only given me oral 3 times! I am very clean down there and I won’t have sex without first taking a shower. Apparently he’s had bad past experiences with ex girlfriends having a smell down there, but I wasn’t aware he hated it so much since he did it while we were dating. It really hurts my feelings that he won’t do it, I am his wife he’s seen me give birth and he’s very open to everything else sexually but not this. I’ve tried to deal with it, but I don’t want to spend the rest of my life never getting oral I love oral! I’ve tried bringing it up to him and he treats it like a joke… I give him oral all the time and I love doing it but since he won’t return the favor I’ve started to do it less often and resent it. I am really at a loss and don’t want my marriage to be broken up over this.

– Downtown Girl

What should Downtown Girl do? Leave your advice in the comments section below.


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Dream Interpretation: I’m Gay But Keep Dreaming About My Straight Friend http://www.emandlo.com/2014/09/dream-interpretation-im-gay-but-cant-stop-dreaming-about-my-straight-friend/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/09/dream-interpretation-im-gay-but-cant-stop-dreaming-about-my-straight-friend/#comments Thu, 18 Sep 2014 11:00:05 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=30015 photo via flickr

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it (18 and older only, please). This week, a reader asks Lauri:

I’m a gay guy, 23, and I’ve been having dreams about my straight best friend – either sex or making out or just being romantic with him. I’ve known him since I was 14. It’s getting a little weird. In real life I don’t believe I fancy the guy, and I certainly don’t want to, as nothing good is ever going to come from that. He’s really open but I’m 100% sure he’s straight. Last night I dreamt I was just holding hands and kissing him and felt amazing about it. Is it just a dream and I should make nothing of it, or is it telling me something?

Lauri: It rubs my fur the wrong way when someone dismisses a dream as “just a dream.” I understand that it’s what we tell ourselves to shake off the realness of the dream, but the truth is, a dream — no matter how disturbing — is a very powerful message from you, to you and about you.

Your dream, while confusing, is a powerful message as well. It’s not a message encouraging you to ravage your friend, but rather a message reflecting the intimacy of your friendship. While there is no sexual intimacy between the two of you, there is probably emotional and intellectual intimacy. Make out sessions in dreams usually reflect deep conversation in real life because, like kissing, it takes two mouths to communicate.  The deeper the kiss in the dream, the deeper the conversation in real life.

Sex in dreams often reflects a “coming together” of the minds. And sex is the ultimate union, two separate bodies joining together as one. The dreaming mind will use sex to symbolize how you may have united politically, emotionally, religiously, etc. with someone else.

This is why so many of our sex dreams involve someone we are not attracted to. It’s not the physical union you want but rather the psychological union you need.  So yes, make nothing of your dream being about the physical plane, but do make something of it being about the psychological plane. You and your best friend are friends for a reason! You two have a united front psychologically. You totally get each other. And rest assured, now that you know what the dream means, odds are you won’t get it again.

Visit Lauri’s brand new site, WhatYourDreamMeans.com, for even more dream interpretations! If you want to be able to figure out your own dreams every morning, then check out her latest book, Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, which will give you the tools you need to become a dream expert, too. Check out all of Lauri’s books here.

 

 

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Comment of the Week: An Easy Trick to Avoid Ruining Your Relationship Forever http://www.emandlo.com/2014/09/comment-of-the-week-an-easy-trick-to-avoid-ruining-your-relationship-forever/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/09/comment-of-the-week-an-easy-trick-to-avoid-ruining-your-relationship-forever/#comments Wed, 17 Sep 2014 14:02:46 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=30037
photo via flickr

One reader emailed us their best relationship advice, not in response to a specific post, but just ’cause. So we wanted to share:

Me and my girl broke up after 8 years together. She was wonderful and I was a fool. I did everything wrong. So my advice is:  if you’re thinking of doing something wrong towards your other half, close your eyes, imagine your life without her/him and if it looks better, do your thing. The heartache and depression I’ve been feeling is awful. It’s like being punched in the gut every minute of the day. Def would do a lot of things differently if I had it to do again.

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10 Best Things About Married Sex http://www.emandlo.com/2014/09/top-10-best-things-about-married-sex/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/09/top-10-best-things-about-married-sex/#comments Wed, 17 Sep 2014 11:00:46 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=29996

Married sex is like the redheaded stepchild of the booty world — at least, according to TV and movies. In that world, married sex is overly lit and played for laughs, whereas all the other kinds of sex — casual sex, new sex, cheating sex, ex sex — get the sultry soundtrack and rumpled sheets.

So we are here to remind you of ten reasons — yes, we managed to come up with ten — why married sex is awesome.

1. You Have Advanced Degrees in Each Other’s Bodies

You know where to let your hands wander — and where not to. Your partner knows exactly what you like — and what you can’t stand — so you won’t ever again have to figure out a nice way of saying, “What is that weird thing you keep doing with your nose during oral sex? And can you please not do it ever again?”

2. Good Sex Can Happen Fast When You Need It To

Those advanced degrees mean that sex doesn’t always need to take an hour. Because five minutes of getting the job done is better than forty-five minutes of ineffectual dilly-dallying, especially when you have to be up with the birds the next morning. Also, it’s okay to say, ”Wanna have sex as soon as my show is finished?” In fact, sometimes that’s all it takes to get in the mood.

3. Sex Can Be Hilarious

All the stuff that used to mortify you when you were single and dating is now more entertaining than a reel of news bloopers: unexpected bodily emissions (a well-timed queef can be entertaining for days); trying and failing at a complicated position; accidentally getting certain substances in your ear during the money shot; a pillow that keeps getting in your way like an unwelcome third wheel; etc., etc.

4. You Can Be Fully in the Moment

Yeah, yeah, we know there are kids and work problems and dirty laundry and all the usual life stuff that can distract you from good sex. That’s life. But you’re not distracted by thinking, Does this person really like me? I wonder if I’ll ever hear from them again? I wonder what they think of my boob size/penis size/oral technique? Should I stay the night? Will I climax? Did my partner climax? Did they just wince when I got near their nipples? Where did my nose ring go? And so on and on and on and on.

5. You Make Your Own Normal

Forget about the Joneses, they’re not sleeping in your bed. When you’re married, you’re each other’s yardstick for what’s “normal.” If you like sex once a month — and the two of you agree on this — then that’s your normal. If you both like a strict diet of missionary, then that’s cool too. You swing every other Friday with the neighbors? Then it’s just your typical Friday night. Whatever positions, whatever schedule, whatever approach — whatever works for the two of you is all good, and screw everyone else.

6. Kink Works Better

Really naughty sex requires negotiation, communication, and trust. When you’re married, you (should) have these things in spades, and they’re not buzz kills, either! So you can experiment with bondage, power roles, sharing fantasies, even pain, and it’s much less likely that someone will end up in the emergency room (or in tears)! Plus, the more intimate and domestic and settled your day-to-day life is, the hotter it is to break out the handcuffs at night.

 7. STDs Are a Thing of the Past (If You’re a Monogamous Married Couple)

So long, condoms. So long, crabs. So long, douchey partners who lie about their sexual history. So long, that late-night panic of, “Is that herpes or just a really big pimple?!”

8. Simultaneous Orgasms

Sure, these aren’t guaranteed with married sex, but the more times you sleep with the same person — someone you love and trust and are committed to — the more likely this is to happen. You know each other’s timing, each other’s bodies, each other’s hot spots, and you’ll be comfortable bringing vibrating toys to bed to help even the orgasmic playing field. (You are comfortable doing that, yes? Because if you’re not, then you’re not doing married sex right!)

9. You Can Take Each Other for Granted

Not that you should do this all the time, but you’re allowed to do it some of the time.  Assuming you have a healthy marriage and you communicate well and often, sex will probably be there for you when you need it — at least at some point, even if it’s not as often as you’d like. You don’t need to hit the town and hope you get lucky. You don’t always need to shave your legs. You don’t need to suck in your stomach and present your good side. Warning: If you take married sex (or your married love) for granted too often, you may find married sex less reliable than it used to be!

10. You Can Get Better

Sex doesn’t automatically get better over time, but it does if you want it to! And having sex doesn’t necessarily make you better at sex — after all, everyone is different in bed — but having sex with the same person, over and over again, absolutely makes you better at having sex with that same person. In other words, married people have no excuse not to be sex gods and goddesses — at least in the eyes of their spouse!

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