Em & Lo: Sex. Love. And Everything in Between. » Advice

My BDSM Relationship Is Giving Me Nightmares

emandlo — Thu, 23 May 2013 19:00:03 +0000

“Em & Lo’s Shades of Play Kit” at GoodVibes

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it. This week, a reader asks Lauri:

I have, for lack of a better word, a f*ck buddy who I see pretty regularly. We primarily engage in bondage, dom/sub play… basically, if one of us suggests something, and the other is interested, we’ll try it. I’ve made it very clear from the beginning that I was not interested in any kind of relationship outside of the bedroom, although I do have the suspicion he may be developing feelings for me. Any sign of emotion I politely turn down and then usually leave.

In my dream we lived in the same building, and I lived on the floor below his. Everything in both our apartments was very clean, modern, white/bright, and sterile looking. He was on top of me, missionary position, and we were fooling around. He was talking dirty, calling me dirty names, all the things I usually like. I told him to stop, and when he asked me what was wrong, I told him nothing, I just wasn’t in the mood. I then told him I had to go home and feed my pet or it was going to eat me.

I took the elevator downstairs and in my apartment was either a white wolf or a white tiger. It was showing signs of anger, and I remember being extremely scared of it as I fed it chunks of raw meat. As I fed it, it and myself started to calm down, but I was still very tense and afraid of it killing me. I woke up still feeling tense and on edge.

Lauri: VERY interesting dream. Let’s dive into it and see what insight it has for you regarding your current situation. The building you live in together is the relationship you have built. It’s not a committed relationship, but it is a relationship nonetheless. Since you live below him in the dream, you must play the submissive one in your relationship.

The clean and sterile look and feel of the apartments is your perspective of the relationship: don’t muddy it up with emotions. You telling him to stop in the dream may really be you telling yourself to stop the relationship in real life. Remember, dreams are a conversation with the self happening in one’s own mind so whatever is said in a dream is something you are saying to yourself.

You also tell him you have to feed your pet or it will eat you. THAT is very interesting. Your pet represents the bondage you like to engage in; it is a “pet” project, so to speak. You need to feed it or it will eat you. This is all about your need to feed this desire for BDSM play, and if you don’t feed that need, it will eat away at you until you do! This desire for BDSM is being shown to you in the form of a predatory animal because this is something you have to hunt down in order to bring into your life.

This part of you is angry at you and you fear it because YOU are angry that what you thought was a sterile, non-emotional relationship has turned on you, and you fear it will cause you problems. But just as you feared the predatory animal would hurt you, do you also fear you will get hurt if the relationship becomes emotional?

Also, you feared the animal would kill you. That tells me you fear that if the relationship became emotional, it would kill off who you are right now. The fear you experienced in the dream and the angst you felt upon waking need to be addressed. Sex and emotions are very hard to keep separate. At some point the two worlds will collide. It seems your dream is trying to show you that you can only feed one for so long before the other starts to eat away at you.

Want to be able to figure out your own dreams every morning? Lauri’s latest book, Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, will give you the tools you need to become a Dream Expert too! Check out all of Lauri’s books here.

Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it.

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5 Reasons to Give Quickies a Try

emandlo — Tue, 21 May 2013 12:00:03 +0000

photo from Got a Minute? 60 Second Erotica

We believe that the quickie is one of the most underrated sex acts out there. Perhaps this is because everyone from Sting to porn producers to teen boys reciting baseball statistics in bed are convinced that going long is always better. Here are five reasons why, sometimes, less is more.

1. You Need Your Beauty Sleep
Research consistently shows that people would choose a good night’s sleep over sex. And sure, when you crawl into bed at midnight and, with a heavy heart, set your alarm for six a.m., then an hour or two of sensual tantric love-making doesn’t sound that appealing. But what about five or ten minutes of intense passion followed by a sleep-inducing orgasm? Now we’re talking.

2. Women Don’t Always Need As Much Time As You Think
We’ve all heard that women at least need thirty minutes of extended foreplay in order to truly enjoy sex. But then how come during masturbation, women climax, on average, in less than four minutes? (Guys take an average of two to three minutes to orgasm.) Teach your partner your secret self-love techniques and then see if you can set a personal best!

3. Quickies Are Hot
The pace of a quickie creates a sense of urgency and need, and this is (a) incredibly hot and (b) often missing from the kind of leisurely, routine sex that is common in long-term relationships. You get extra urgency points if you leave some clothes on and have your quickie in a hallway or bathroom, etc.

4. Quickie Erotica
Need help? Check out the book Got a Minute: 60-Second Erotica, edited by Alison Tyler. The super-short erotic stories will help get you in the mood fast. Erotica is not for everyone—if you’re like us, you might find yourself rolling your eyes at the cheesy plot twists or characterization—but quickie erotica will be over before you have time to critique it!

5. More Quickies = More Sex
We often hear from women in long-term relationships that if sex didn’t last so long—we’re talking ten minutes instead of close to an hour—they’d be up for more of it. And research backs this up: One study found that the most satisfying intercourse for couples lasts for anywhere between three and thirteen minutes. Plus, more sex—no matter what kind of sex it is—tends to make you feel good about your sex life, which leads to even more sex.

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This article originally appeared on

Your Call: Should She and Her Boyf Go to an Orgy?

emandlo — Mon, 20 May 2013 16:00:45 +0000

photo by Vacasion

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section.

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Dear Em & Lo,

Last night, while watching a movie with an orgy/group sex party in it, my long term BF suggested that it would be sexy to try something like that, expect only have sex with each other (no swinging). He likes the idea of having sex while other people watch and I admit it is exciting to try something new that will spice things up and bring us closer.

However, I am a bit nervous about some things and also have no idea where to go to find such a party! I am nervous about being naked in front of strangers, my BF wanting to have sex with someone else, or someone trying to join us. Any advice would be great!

– Eyes Wide Shut

How should E.W.S. proceed? Leave your feedback in the comments section below.

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Dream Interpretation: My Wife Orgasms with Someone Else

emandlo — Thu, 16 May 2013 17:15:26 +0000

photo via Flickr

In the past couple of days I have had weird dreams about my wife. The first dream went like this: She wasn’t feeling too well so I took her to see the doctor. At the clinic/hospital, there was a sea of doctors to choose from. Trying to lighten her mood, I asked her to pick a cute/good looking one (I don’t think I really specified male or female). She then picked a male doctor, who happened to be someone I knew from medical school (we were classmates). He came along and I started to tell him about her symptoms (a fever, etc), she told me I didn’t know exactly how she felt (in a nice way) and shooed me away. Next I found myself in some kind of vantage position (picture being on the top bunk of a bunk bed and looking down on the bottom bunk over the edge). The doctor started examining/treating her and then I saw that he started fingering her and my wife was moaning. I don’t really know what happened afterwards but next thing I recall is my wife coming out to meet me in a waiting room with that smile and after-sex/after-orgasm glow. I woke up shortly after.

Second dream: We were in our apartment and I was in the living room and she was in the bedroom with another woman (I don’t think I know who it was). It seemed like they were either just cleaning or talking. The next thing I recall is that they were making love. I did not see them in the act and I somehow didn’t have the willpower to get up to go to the bedroom to actually look at them but from the sounds it was clear what they were up to. While I was in the living room, I happened to be watching porn on the TV. Then I vaguely recall them climaxing in the room and I in the living room.

What can all these possibly mean?

Lauri: The hospital setting of the first dream suggests that there is something within the marriage or perhaps something solely with your wife that needs to get better… and it seems you are trying to help correct the situation.

The way your wife says that you don’t know how she feels when you are trying to describe her symptoms may really be connected to her feelings that you don’t understand her. Has she recently said to you, “You don’t get it; you don’t know how I feel.”? Or “You don’t know how I should feel?”

The vantage point you have either means your wife feels you “look down on her” or something she is doing, or it could mean you are trying to rise above the issue at hand, take the high road, etc.

At the end of both dreams your wife orgasms, which is a good indication that she has taken care of the waking life issue on her own. What has she done in waking life, without you? In what way has she brought completion or satisfaction to herself? It seems that, through these dreams, you are realizing that she has become self reliant in some respect.

Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it.

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The 5 Most Important Things to Know About Spanking (Before You Try It)

emandlo — Thu, 16 May 2013 12:00:12 +0000

photo via Flickr

A little spanking session in the bedroom is a quick, easy, and affordable way to spice things up (look ma, nothing but hands!). But as with anything involving painful pleasure, there are always important safety issues — both physical and emotional — that you should familiarize yourself with first, before you go swatting away like gangbusters. Consider this the kinder, gentler way to spank:

1. Remove all bracelets and rings. The only prop you need is your bare palm. But if you want to accessorize, best to go with a made-for-kinky-play paddle, like the Naughty and Nice Plush Paddle at GoodVibes.com — something like this is easy to control the aim and force of (unlike whips and floggers, which are too dangerous for dabblers).

2. Make sure you have a willing participant. You can’t take someone over your knee and go to town without their consent first (no matter how naughty they’ve been, which apparently includes not buying the right coffee, see above). However, if you know each other well and fully trust each other and believe they’d truly enjoy it, you can try one very gentle little love pat on the bum during sex and gauge their reaction.

3. If you get their go-ahead from there, very gradually work your way up in spanking intensity, interspersing swats with soothing massages to spread the heat — all the while checking in with your partner as to their comfort and eagerness.

4. Only aim for the lower, fleshier halves of each cheek and the backs of the upper thighs — avoid the lower back, tailbone, and back of the knees. Remember, you’re going for good pain (e.g. an intense back massage), not bad pain (e.g. getting a finger slammed in a car door, or listening to Celine Dion).

5. While a woman might like particular attention paid to the intersection of bum crack and crease, with the vibrations reverberating throughout the vulva, definitely steer clear of his family jewels!

This article originally appeared on

For more on spanking and other kinky endeavors, pick up a copy150 SHADES OF PLAY, on sale now at Amazon!

Dear Em & Lo, Why Am I Still Hung Up on My Ex?

emandlo — Wed, 15 May 2013 20:06:24 +0000

photo via Flickr

Dear Em & Lo,

I recently broke up with my boyfriend of two and a half solid years and then we were on and off for another year or so. I moved on to a kid I had been dating during the ‘off’ time with my previous boyfriend. I was fine and having a great time with my new boy until about a week ago when I found out my ex-boyfriend moved on as well. Obviously, I didn’t expect him to wait around for me but I guess it just hit me that we were now over. For real. Now the ex-BF is all I think about. Am I really not over him, or do I only care because I found out he moved on? I assume these feelings I have toward him will eventually pass and I’ll be able to move on for good, because the kid I’m now seeing is great, but I don’t have much experience in the break-up department. Any tips?

–Not As Over Him As I Thought
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Dear NAOHAIT,

Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt. Anyway, yeah, there’s this little thing called an ego, and it causes many women to secretly hope that all the men they’ve loved and left will carry a torch for them the rest of their lives. Sure, you hope these men move on and fall in love and marry and have kids and all that…eventually. (After all, you wouldn’t want to carry with you the guilt of having actually ruined a man.)

But still, deep down, many people like the idea that, late at night, those exes’ thoughts occasionally drift to them and how totally amazing they were in bed/on the tennis court/at Jeopardy/etc. It doesn’t mean that you’re still pining for your ex or that you’re meant to be with him or that this new kid on the block you’re dating isn’t all-that. All it means is that you’re human and you’re not a saint and, much as you’d like your ex to be happy, it still causes a twinge when he gets that way.

Our advice is to avoid Facebook at all costs (we know you’re tempted to spend the night Googling until you can find a photo of your ex’s new love–don’t do it, masochist!) and spend the time you save having totally awesome new-guy sex instead. Trust us, this too shall pass.

Smooches,
Em & Lo

C Is for Cuffs

emandlo — Tue, 14 May 2013 13:00:01 +0000

Lelo’s Etherea Silk Cuffs (a black version is part of their Dare Me Pleasure Set)

The following is from our very own naughty, award-winning dictionary, 150 SHADES OF PLAY: A Beginner’s Guide to Kink. Bolded words signify individual entries that appear elsewhere in the A-to-Z section of the book. Anything with a tie icon indicates an activity or prop mentioned in the Fifty Shades series (symbolic of the famous woven tie Christian Grey uses to restrain Anastasia Steele). The idea being: look up something you’re interested in and, from there, make it a choose-your-own-adventure book by following any bolded words that pique your interest to their own dedicated entry. Or just start at A and don’t stop ‘til you get to Z—or ‘til you’re compelled to try something out with your partner, whichever comes first!:

C

cuffs, ankle and wrist

If restraining someone by their wrists and ankles is the meat-and-potatoes of bondage, then made-for-play cuffs (sold at any sex toy store) are bondage’s Hungry-Man frozen dinners: quick, easy, and surprisingly satisfying. Bondage cuffs are way safer than handcuffs and provide instant gratification—unlike rope, with its pain-in-the-ass learning curve. Most cuffs are made of either leather or nylon (for kinky vegans, e.g. Super Cuffs) and are often lined with faux fur, etc. (for comfort even during marathon seshes). And before you complain that faux fur is “not me” or “so last season,” just try writhing around in a pair of police-issue handcuffs first. For real-world restraints that aren’t a pain in the wrist, check out the surprisingly attractive institutional cuffs at MedicalToys.com. And for something a little more in line with the high-end Fifty Shades aesthetic, check out LELO’s Etherea Silk Cuffs and Sutra Chainlink Cuffs.

Bondage cuffs feature either buckles or Velcro (the former gives a stronger hold, the latter a quicker release and a sexy sound) and are fairly wide (at least two to three inches) to ward off the nerve damage that is a risk of traditional handcuffs. Speaking of risks: As with any form of bondage, the bottom should speak up as soon as he or she notices any numbness or tingling, and the top should allow for at least one finger’s width between cuff and skin. And regular bondage cuffs should never be used for any kind of suspension — you need special equipment for that sort of advanced play (although you should never suspend someone from the wrists, no matter the gear). Bondage cuffs typically feature D-rings so that they can be tethered to each other, to bed posts, to chair legs, etc. And if you’re still sleeping on your college futon? Most sex toy shops sell “Under the Bed” tethers that serve as makeshift bedposts. Another option is to attach the ankle or wrist cuffs to a spreader bar. For more self-contained bondage, just attach wrist to wrist and ankle to ankle. You can even attach bound wrists to bound ankles (either in front or back) for an instant hogtie! See also bondage safety, collars, cuffs (grip), cuffs (rope), door jamb cuffs, and handcuffs.

For more on restraints and other kinky endeavors, pick up a copy 150 SHADES OF PLAY, on sale now at Amazon!

Your Call: Why Would a Guy Fess Up to a Girlfriend Right Before Sex?

emandlo — Mon, 13 May 2013 16:00:17 +0000

photo via flickr

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.com Try Our New
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Dear Em & Lo,

I’ve known this guy for over a year and run into him every now and then in a bar that we both frequent. The other night I saw him and he was flirty and said that he was hoping to run into me and he was happy to see me and then proceeded with the ole “We have chemistry,” etc. After making out, we decided to go back to my place to, what was pretty much agreed on, have sex. When we got to my place, he casually told me that he had a girlfriend. (When I inquired, he said that it was a casual situation.) We did not have sex. My question is: Why would a guy ruin a sure thing, by saying he had a girlfriend? Did he want to make sure I didn’t take the sex seriously? Or is he simply a guy and didn’t think?

– Blue Box

What should B.B. think about this guy’s actions? Leave your feedback in the comments section below.

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5 Easy Ways to Talk Dirtier Tonight

emandlo — Fri, 10 May 2013 16:00:25 +0000

Dirty talk can terrify even the most seasoned sexual adventurer—people are afraid of sounding stupid or afraid of like a pornstar… or perhaps they’re afraid of not sounding like a pornstar. But when you break it down, dirty talk is actually much simpler and more approachable than you might think. Here are five easy ways to try it out:

1. React to What’s Happening
If something feels good, say so. Start with moans and sighs (they count, too!), or a breathy repetition of your partner’s name, and work up to “Yes!” or “That feels good” or “I love it when you do that”—and eventually you can build up to “I love it when you [BLANK] with your [BLANK].”

2. Ditch Your Thesaurus
Speaking of the [BLANK]: As a general rule, the more words a term for the genitals contains, the more likely it is to induce giggles or a wince. On the other hand, you probably want to steer clear of terms that a gynecologist or urologist would use—penis, vulva, vagina, etc. (kind of a buzz kill!). You’re safest sticking to the casual basics for his junk, i.e. cock or dick. For her, if you’re comfortable with pussy, then go for it. Or, you could just work around specific terms and simply substitute “you” and “me” instead, e.g. “I want you inside me”; “You feel so good on top of me”; etc.

3. Compliment Your Partner
Compliment each other’s body parts, compliment the way a partner feels or looks or smells or sounds, tell them how sexy it is when they climax, tell them how turned on you get when they moan, and so on. In context, you’d be surprised how dirty this all sounds.

4. Ask Questions
“Do you want me to [BLANK]?” “Do you like that?” “How does that feel?” “What do you want me to do with my [BLANK]?” “Does that feel good?” “What do you want me to do next?” “What would turn you on?” “What do you want to do to me?”

5. Give Directions
“Touch me here.” “Kiss me there.” “Take off your clothes.” “I want you to come.” “Close your eyes.” “Turn over.” “Leave that on.” “Put your hand here.” “Don’t move.” “Don’t stop.” “Please don’t stop.”

Whatever you say, make your voice a little lower and softer or huskier than your regular voice. This will probably come naturally—kind of like how your voice automatically gets higher when you talk to a baby—and the more you do it, the more naturally it will come. Now get out there and verbalize!

Dream Interpretation: The Tip of My Penis Broke Off

emandlo — Thu, 09 May 2013 16:00:19 +0000

photo via Flickr

Each week, Lauri tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means here on EMandLO.com. Here’s this week’s:

My girlfriend told me today she had a dream where the tip of my penis fell off and I put it back on like it was no big deal. She said this happened in the dream while we were just sitting around.

Just some background on us. We’ve been dating for over 5 yrs and everything is really good. We’ve lived together for the past year and we laugh every day. What do you think her dream could mean?

Lauri: The detachable penis is actually a very common dream — however, the detachable tip is a new one!

Typically, male genitalia in a dream is often connected to male energy in waking life: being assertive, growing a pair, manning up, etc. To dream that the penis has come off can mean that the man in question has surrendered some sort of assertiveness and taken on a more passive, caring or nurturing role in real life. So for your tip to come off, and then you reconnect it rather nonchalantly, may mean that she feels you have easily stepped into and out of a more passive or more gentle role recently.

However, since it is only the tip, perhaps she feels you have only scratched the surface in some way, or have only touched on the tip of the iceberg, so to speak. Is there something she wants a little more of from you. Excuse me, I mean…. a lot more of!

Also, is there anything that has been on again and off again, as far as she is concerned? Hmmm… also the “just sitting around” makes me wonder if there is something she feels you need to get up off your duff and take care of. Run this analysis by her and let us know what she says!

Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it.

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