Media Bistro recently asked for our input on their advice piece, “How to Tell Sex Stories” — it’s part of their “How to Pitch” series (pretty handy for freelance writers who sign up for membership). They talked to many sex and relationship writers and editors, so there just wasn’t room for a lot of our responses in this particular piece. Below is our unabridged advice.

Given your experience contributing to the likes of Glamour, New York Magazine, Marie Claire and so on, plus your books, what is the key to successfully pitching an article/book about sex-related content to a magazine or website, even a publisher?

The hardest thing about pitching a story about sex to a magazine is trying to come up with something new to say about sex, or at least coming up with a new WAY to say it. That’s what everyone wants — even the women’s magazines that seem to run the same articles about sex just with different titles. We hear the words “fresh” and “not cliche” a lot.  The key is not necessarily coming up with a new erogenous zone or position or technique — good luck with that! — but just finding a new way to package/present the material so it makes sense to people in a way it never has before. For example, we recently wrote a piece on male and female sexual anatomy, and there wasn’t really any new information in there about anatomy itself — it was more the way we made comparisons between the various man and lady parts. It helped readers think about anatomy in a different way.

How should writers go about doing research, and in general, coming up with good, fresh ideas for their pitches so they don’t end up in the editor’s trash/spam folder?

Keeping up with the latest scientific and academic research on sexual topics is always a good place to start. And make sure you follow a piece of research all the way to its source, to get the real story, rather than just relying its write-up in a newspaper or magazine. Sex studies are particularly prone to being twisted into catchy headlines that promise more than the actual research found. (But the good flip side of that is that it’s *really* easy to find sex research online, because reporters love writing about it — and just because something has already been covered somewhere in a 300-word superficial news piece, doesn’t mean you can’t turn it into a longer feature or advice article.) We have a few student interns each semester who help us keep on top of sex news, trends, and research, from pop culture to literature to science. But there’s no reason why a writer can’t do that research on their own — we just need a high volume of research because we have two daily blogs (EMandLO.com and Naked Love on the Sundance Channel’s Sunfiltered blog). The important thing is to keep on top of the research on a regular basis — not just when you need to come up with a pitch — so you can start making your own calls about trends, etc.

What is one of the biggest mistakes you can make and should avoid when pitching an article about sex-related content?
Read the rest of this entry »

photo by foxtongue

If you’re planning on having a new guest over to “look at your etchings” for the first time, follow these 10 rules to ensure there’s a next time:

1. Only invite a guest over when you won’t have to rush out the door the next morning.
2. Warn any roommates that you will be entertaining that evening.
3. Remove all dirty laundry & dishes, any evidence of prior partners, and anything age-inappropriate (like dolls or teddy bears) from your bedroom and hide them. In fact, we’d recommend selling all but your most favorite cuddly toy on eBay.
4. Turn off your cell phone and your land-line answering machine — especially if you expect your recent ex to call at 4am asking to be taken back for the 25th time.
5. Take a tip from Hollywood movies and use dramatic, flattering lighting wherever you think you might end up doing it. Kill all fluorescents and any overhead lamps that have harsh, bright bulbs. Instead, use low-wattage bulbs in lamps tucked away in corners. Install dimmer switches for adjustable brightness. And light a few candles (no more than three, though—you don’t want to overdo it).
6. Have an extra toothbrush on hand, still in its packaging, and a fresh towel for them to use.
7. Have a sexy music mix ready to go on your stereo or iPod, making sure that what you think is sexy isn’t too too overplayed and cheesy (anything by Marvin Gaye or Al Green).
8. If you have a beloved pet who usually bunks with you, don’t assume your partner is an animal lover, too. They want to sleep with you, not Fluffy and Muffin. And letting your pets watch the two of you do it may creep them out. Banish all wildlife from your bedroom until you’re sure an ill-timed bark won’t kill the mood.
9. In your bedside drawer, have ready a) quality condoms, b) a box of tissues for quick clean up, and c) a good brand of personal lubricant. The lube will make a nice addition to any handwork you two engage in, and will help you go long for any marathon sessions. The smaller the container the better, to help keep their insecure thoughts about previous partners at bay. Individual packets are ideal.
10. Cook them breakfast in the morning if it’s the weekend; toast and coffee will do if it’s a work day.

This is our bi-weekly column in Metro; read it in print here

photo by Helga Weber

We have nothing against casual sex so long as everyone is being safe and the casual nature of the sex is completely mutual. And “mutual” is where things get tricky. May we introduce you to the concept of a prenook? This is the casual-sex equivalent of the prenup. The pre-nook is more about honest communication than the literal presence of a fifteen-page signed document—it verbally outlines both party’s intentions and expectations. If you have absolutely zero interest in seeing someone again, it would be wrong to lure them home with promises (even implicit promises) of a beautiful relationship. And if you think your booty call partner is just hanging in there in the hope of converting you into a boyfriend or girlfriend, you must retire that booty call number ASAP.

There is no one-size-fits-all pronouncement that secures a prenook—after all, “Let’s have a one-night stand” or “Let’s explore every inch of each other’s bodies and then pretend we don’t know each other in the morning” or “Is it okay if I never call you again?” will kill the mood for most people. That said, any of these lines—as with cheesy pick-up lines—might work if spoken with the right dose of humor.

A prenook is kind of like porn: You know it when you see it. Be honest, ladies and gentlemen: Usually you can tell when someone is falling hard for you. These people have most definitely not signed your prenook. (If they’re a really good liar and manage to convince you otherwise, the heartbreak is on them.) But if you screw up and “accidentally” (riiiight) go home with someone who wants to go for a long walk in the park the next morning, do not lie to make a quick escape. Do not say you will call unless you plan on it. Tell them you had an awesome time and that maybe you’ll see them around. Feel free to high-five if the moment feels right.

By the way, in certain sexed-up circumstances (say, spring break in Cancun, or a swingers’ convention in Tampa), the prenook goes without saying. At times like these, the implicit promise is that you will get laid, and you will get laid tonight. Therefore, a spring break prenook operates in reverse: a) You must fess up before getting to the bedroom if you suffer from erectile dysfunction, and b) you must provide a heads-up if all you’re in for is a kiss and a cuddle (though it goes without saying that anyone can change their minds as to how far they are willing to go at any point—we’re talking to you, date rapers). The reverse prenook allows the recipient to look for their jollies elsewhere, should they so desire.

This is from our bi-weekly Metro column — read it in print here

UNLESS YOU’VE BEEN LIVING IN A CAVE, you know exactly what the G-spot is, and you probably know where it is, too — an area on the front wall of the vagina a few inches in that, when stimulated, can result in extreme pleasure, explosive orgasms, and even female ejaculation…well, at least for some women. Thanks to a number of studies on the anatomy and sexual response of this area over the past few decades, and forward-thinking magazines and sites like the one you’re reading extolling its merits, the G-spot has become the It Girl of female sexuality.

But what about the PS-spot? The PS-who? If the G-spot is the It Girl, the PS-spot is its red-headed step-sister.

WHAT IS THE PS-SPOT?

The PS stands for perineal sponge, which lies between the vagina and rectum, just beneath the perineum (that band of skin between the vaginal opening and the anus). The perineal sponge is a mass of erectile tissue, which means that when it’s stimulated, it fills with blood and becomes engorged, just like a man’s penis and a woman’s clitoris do during arousal.

From a biological perspective, it makes sense that you’d have the G-spot on the roof of the vaginal canal, the PS-spot on the floor, and the legs of the clitoris running along either side. Sexual pleasure and orgasm are evolution’s nice way of getting you to procreate: if it feels good, you’ll do it. So stimulation of these areas causes engorgement of the entire vagina, which not only helps stimulate the areas’ feel-good nerves, but also protects them during penetration.

If you want the new age-y take on the perineal sponge, some Tantric practitioners refer to it as the “cali spot” and suggest that massaging it can unlock new levels of orgasmic potential and may help release suppressed emotions.

WHY YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF IT

Willful ignorance has been a long-standing tradition when it comes to female sexuality. Women were once considered practically asexual, encouraged just to lie back and think of England. Then Freud nearly ruined the clitoris for us, suggesting that orgasms gained from its stimulation were somehow “immature.” And even today there are some doctors who question the existence of the G-spot. Add to that the dearth of legitimate scientific research on not only the PS-spot but women’s sexual anatomical function in general, and we’re not filled with overwhelming confidence that the mysteries of the perineal sponge will be solved any time soon.

In the recent book, Agnotology: The Making and Unmaking of Ignorance, edited by Robert Proctor and Londa Schiebinger, one chapter focuses on the — pardon the pun — black hole of knowledge surrounding the female orgasm. The essay points out that while the G-spot has finally made it into the anatomical illustrations of female genitalia in many mainstream publications, “they continue to overlook…the other sponge, the perineal sponge located between the vagina and the rectum, which also engorges when a woman is sexually aroused. Pressure on any of these engorged structures can result in pleasure and orgasm.”

But there’s hope for this little spot that could. On blogs and online forums dedicated to female sexuality, the PS-spot is getting more and more attention. If the 90’s were the decade of the G-spot, maybe the 2010’s will be the decade of the PS-spot!

HOW TO REACH IT?

The best way to stimulate the PS-spot is with fingers or a curved sex toy – just as is the case with the G-spot — except by focusing on the back wall of the vagina instead. But if you want to try getting at it during intercourse, you could try positions that direct his penis toward her back wall, such as missionary or woman-on-top with your torsos pressed together — basically, the opposite of what works best for targeting the G-spot, which is doggy style. We’ve also heard some reports of people gently accessing it via the backdoor, to get at the shared wall of the vagina and rectum.

P.S. – DON’T GET TOO EXCITED

What’s true of the G-spot is true of the PS-spot. Sure, for some women, it’s the key to their orgasm; but for others it does nothing for them, or worse, it’s actually uncomfortable. Plenty of women go looking for it, either don’t find it or don’t enjoy it, and then think there’s something wrong with them. So remember, whether you’re looking for the G-spot or the PS-spot, there’s definitely no guarantee that either will feel good to you. And that’s okay. It’s good just to know that these spots are there to be explored. If you happen to be one of those women for whom the G-spot isn’t the holy grail, then maybe the PS-spot will do it for you. If not, don’t worry — there are always other spots to try, whether they have their own catchy term yet or not. When you find one you like, name it after your own initials!

This article also appeared in EdenFantasys’ Sexis

photo by faungg

The July issue of the UK edition of Marie Claire featured an article on vacation sex, for which we were asked for some insight. Since we can’t link to it online, we thought we’d give you our unabridged thoughts on the topic — hopefully you haven’t taken your summer vacay yet and can benefit from them!

1) Why vacation sex is better than home sex:
The vacation itself can act as extended foreplay.  You’re probably spending some nice quality time with your partner during the day, doing novel things together, which can bring you closer. Since you haven’t been at work all day stressing, it’s a much smoother segue into sex — in other words, you don’t need time to unwind before you get naked. And since mental distractions — work stresses, looming to-do lists, ongoing arguments — can keep women from focusing on the here and now in the bedroom, a vacation can help them be more in the moment, and therefore more likely to have an orgasm, by helping clear their head (if only temporarily). And applying suntan lotion to each other all day = foreplay!

2) How it can be worse:
The expectation is greater, so there’s more room for disappointment if things don’t go as planned.  That’s how it is for all aspects of vacation, whether you’re talking about the weather, the food or the sex.

3) How to make it even better:
Scent is such a powerful memory maker. Get a new, nice smelling massage lotion or lubricant and be sure to use it liberally during your vacation sex. When you get home, pack it away for a while. That way, when you break it out down the road, you’ll be transported back to the time and space of your vacation, a psychic space that was (hopefully) both relaxing and sexy.

photo by SFBNess

If you’re planning on having a new guest over to “look at your etchings” for the first time, follow these 10 rules to ensure there’s a next time:

1. Only invite a guest over when you won’t have to rush out the door the next morning.
2. Warn any roommates that you will be entertaining that evening.
3. Remove all dirty laundry & dishes, any evidence of prior partners, and anything age-inappropriate (like dolls or teddy bears) from your bedroom and hide them. In fact, we’d recommend selling all but your most favorite cuddly toy on eBay.
4. Turn off your cell phone and your land-line answering machine — especially if you expect your recent ex to call at 4am asking to be taken back for the 25th time.
5. Take a tip from Hollywood movies and use dramatic, flattering lighting wherever you think you might end up doing it. Kill all fluorescents and any overhead lamps that have harsh, bright bulbs. Instead, use low-wattage bulbs in lamps tucked away in corners. Install dimmer switches for adjustable brightness. And light a few candles (no more than three, though—you don’t want to overdo it).
6. Have an extra toothbrush on hand, still in its packaging, and a fresh towel for them to use.
7. Have a sexy music mix ready to go on your stereo or iPod, making sure that what you think is sexy isn’t too too overplayed and cheesy (anything by Marvin Gaye or Al Green).
8. If you have a beloved pet who usually bunks with you, don’t assume your partner is an animal lover, too. They want to sleep with you, not Fluffy and Muffin. And letting your pets watch the two of you do it may creep them out. Banish all wildlife from your bedroom until you’re sure an ill-timed bark won’t kill the mood.
9. In your bedside drawer, have ready a) quality condoms, b) a box of tissues for quick clean up, and c) a good brand of personal lubricant. The lube will make a nice addition to any handwork you two engage in, and will help you go long for any marathon sessions. The smaller the container the better, to help keep their insecure thoughts about previous partners at bay. Individual packets are ideal.
10. Cook them breakfast in the morning if it’s the weekend; toast and coffee will do if it’s a work day.

This column appears bi-weekly in Metro. Read it in print here.

photo by dunikowski

A few weeks ago we did a post on the ideal contents of a woman’s purse, should she find herself suddenly having a casual sleepover. Well, you guys reamed us. Deservedly so in a few cases (we phoned some of it in); undeservedly, we thought, in a few others (especially considering we give you all this content for free — it’s like we’re treating you to lunch and you’re complaining about the food!). So we wanted to try a more thoughtful do-over, one that truly reflected our deepest held beliefs, those that probably are more in line with yours, while still defending some of our original assertions. And if you don’t like ‘em, well then, we’re sure you’ll let us know. Just remember, we control the comment admin. Bwah ha ha!

1. Compact ballet flats. We stand by this one about 90%. While we (okay, Lo) will happily attend fancy functions in ugly yet comfortable Dansko clogs, we appreciate that some women (say, Em) do like to hit the town in brand new heels, heels that may not turn out to be that comfortable, at least upon first or second wearing. Also, if you care about fashion (not a requirement, just an existing preference that we’re acknowledging here), then there are shoes that work better, aesthetically speaking, at night, and shoes that work better in the mornings.  However, if these are not issues for you, then you should forgo the ballet flats and wear those 6-inch stilletos home at 7am with pride. After all, if you had a good time the night before, then it’s always a Walk of Fame, not Shame, whatever you’re wearing.
2. Condoms. We stand by this 100%. Even though women get stuck with the unfair share of birth control responsibility, we think it’s still smart for them to carry their own barrier protection, too (instead of automatically leaving it up to the guys).  Though this should not give men the idea that they can forgo condom responsibility.
3. Mascara & moisturizing lipstick. Many, many women wear make-up — it makes them feel good. Again, it’s not by any means a requirement, just a preference that we’re acknowledging many women share. If you fall into the positive make-up category, then these two items should be enough for you to freshen up. If you don’t, then don’t worry about such trifles taking up space in your bag/purse/pocket/wallet.
4. Dissolvable breath strips. These are a quick and easy way to freshen your breath without removing yourself to the bathroom to clean your teeth with a toothbrush. And yes, if you’re hooking up with this guy, then you’re certainly familiar enough with him to borrow his toothbrush. But sometimes that’s inconvenient, which is why a breath strip is just a nice, polite thing to do before kissing.
5. A tank top. If what you’re wearing out that night will make YOU feel uncomfortable on a commuter train home in the morning (or out at brunch), then pack something small you can wear as a top alternative. You can certainly wear your sequined halter top glittering in the morning light with pride, or borrow something of his, but again, if you prefer something more subdued or don’t want any t-shirt strings attached with this hook-up, then tote a tank.
6. A book of matches. We don’t care who you are — man or woman — if you are hooking up with someone new, you can’t tell us you’d be totally psyched for them to smell your nasty shit right before getting it on. Yes, everybody poops, but that doesn’t mean we have to like it. This is more about courtesy than shame. And again, it’s not a requirement, just a handy backup plan.
7. A razor. Yes, you were all right: this was a ludicrous suggestion. We’ve filed it in our “What Were We Thinking?” folder. If you have an abundance of self-hatred toward your own body hair, then we’re sure you’ll shave, pluck and/or wax yourself into alopecian oblivion before you head out for a evening where there’s even just a sliver of a hope for a hook up. And if an opportunity for awesome sex happens to fall into your bushy lap, well then, we think you’d be a fool to pass it up simply because you were stubbly somewhere or, god forbid, had given yourself permission to be au naturale. We’re all hairy animals by nature, even women — in fact, body hair is what signifies our sexual maturity. So we should all get over it, including us.

photo by faungg

Don’t waste precious suitcase space on sunscreen this summer vacation—you can buy that when you arrive. But here are 10 items that you probably won’t be able to find at the resort, so pack them for guaranteed high temperatures, no matter what the weather is like. You might want to put them in your checked luggage to avoid a red-faced encounter at security—and if you’re not going anywhere this summer, keep these items in your bedroom and just pretend!

1. Red Hot Erotica ($14.99)
Alison Tyler makes us feel like total slackers. Every time we turn around, she’s edited a new erotica anthology. This heat-themed collection—with stories of sweaty sheets, poolside romance, and beach love—is a perfect summer read. If you’ve got a really short attention span, try Five Minute Erotica instead, edited by our friend Carol Queen.

2. Set of Four Travel Candles ($12.99)
Want to create ambience wherever you go? Even if you’re staying in a Motel 8 and the room smells like a damp dog, you can bring along this set of soy travel candles in four summertime fragrances, from gardenia to cotton clean (which promises to remind you of clean linens hanging outside on a summer’s day).

3. Intimate Organics Massage Oil ($16.59)
If you want the memories of this vacation to last longer than your tan, then choose a new scented product to take along with you. Scent is the closest thing tied to memory—so when you use this product back at home, you’ll be reminded of that awesome sultry vacation sex. Intimate Organics Massage Oil has a scent that is lightly sweet without being feminine or food-like (and it’s 100 percent vegan, too!). It won’t stain the sheets and it absorbs completely, so you won’t feel like you need a shower after using it. Warm up your massage skills on the beach using sunscreen, then take things a little further with Intimate Organics when you’re behind closed doors.

4. Minivibe Spring by Fun Factory ($72.99)
Anything by Fun Factory is built to last, so you can be sure this mini vibe will be with you for many vacations to come. Its size makes it the perfect travel companion, and is waterproof, in case your room comes with a private hot tub or pool.

5. Kama Sutra Honey Dust ($18.99)
Soothe slightly sunburned skin with this light, scented, edible body powder that you apply gently with a sensual feather duster (included). It’s available in Honeysuckle or Strawberry (we’d vote for the Honeysuckle). This is the travel-size version, so you won’t feel like you’re lugging around a giant can of protein powder in your suitcase. Read the rest of this entry »

photo by dunikowski

Ladies, if there’s any chance your evening will end up in a sleepover, transform your purse into a make-shift washbag. Even if there isn’t a snowball’s chance in hell you’ll be getting nooky tonight, carry these items with you anyway — because the best hook-ups happen when you least expect them.

1. Compact ballet flats. Don’t be caught making the walk of shame home at 7am in your uncomfortable six-inch disco stilettos. Comfortable “City Slips” (fold up flats) and “After Soles” (roll up flats) can transform that journey home into a walk of fame.
2. Condoms. Even if you’re on the Pill, or some other form of birth control, do not assume that it’s the guy’s responsibility to provide the STD protection, simply because he’s the one to wear it. You are responsible for your own sexual health. Plus, there’s nothing worse than running out of safety socks when you’re both up for round two!
3. Mascara & moisturizing lipstick. You don’t need your whole ten-pound makeup bag, just these two essentials. The mascara will brighten up tired eyes in the morning. And a moisturizing lipstick will add color while soothing lips chapped from kissing. The lipstick can even double as impromptu rouge (though your cheeks will probably already be flushed from the evening’s activities). With these simple tools, you’ll look bright and fresh in the morning, without looking overdone.
4. Dissolvable breath strips. A toothbrush and toothpaste, even travel-sized, is a bit much to tote around all evening. But you don’t want to be chomping on a piece of gum like a cow, either after dinner or before breakfast (before you’re ready to get out of bed and clean your teeth). Minty breath strips are powerful and dissolve quickly, so you can get onto more important things.
5. A tank top. If what you’re wearing out that night will look funny on a commuter train home in the morning (or out at brunch), then pack something small you can wear as a top alternative. Nothing gives away a one-night stand like a sequined halter top glittering in the morning light. Note: If you are attending a super fancy affair, either bring a purse which can hold a casual skirt too or don’t sleepover (a girl’s gotta have her dignity).
6. A book of matches. Speaking of dignity, should you find yourself in the unfortunate and unlucky situation of being stuck in his bathroom in desperate need of a room deodorizer, light a match, quickly blow it out, and flush it down the toilet.
7. A razor. If you’re one of those women who can’t stand her own stubble, carry a razor in your purse. Because if you end up at his place, chances are he’ll have some shaving cream in his bathroom that you can borrow for a quick touch up. Remember, men can be very territorial about their razors, and nothing’s more annoying to him than nicking his neck the next day because you dulled his Mach 3 with your leg hair — and yes, he’ll always be able to tell.

photo by zieak

Ethan Imboden is the founder of Jimmyjane, one of our favorite sex toy companies — their products are sleek and stylish and feel as good as they look. Ethan has also occasionally had his bags searched by TSA agents when flying, so we asked him to share some tips about traveling with your bedside accessories… just in case your final destination doesn’t have a little sex shop on the corner.

Have you heard any horror stories about people who’ve had run-ins with security over their sex toys?

I do hear a lot of stories, but to be honest, none of them seem particularly horrific! Perhaps traveling with vibrators so frequently has cured me of any embarrassment. The worst stories have less to do with mean TSA agents and more to do with the witnesses — parents being questioned in front of their children, women being questioned in front of their unsuspecting husbands, me being searched in front of a really hot stranger I was chatting up in line.

Take comfort in the fact that these guys have seen it all. If the TSA agent shakes their head as you pass through, it might simply be to express their disappointment that you’re only bringing one vibrator, whereas you’ve packed 7 pairs of shoes.

We had always assumed that your best bet was to put all sex toys in checked luggage, but it seems like that’s not necessarily the case. Will security really remove/destroy toys from your checked luggage? And is there anything you can do to prevent that happening?

When security personnel remove a vibrator, it’s typically because they don’t know what it is and are erring on the side of caution. So it’s a good idea to pack your vibrator in such a way that it’s easily identifiable. If you still have your product packaging, you can pack it in that. You can also seal your vibrator in a bag with a note identifying it. That said, if you have an expensive vibrator, I would advise against checking it through. Anytime you check anything valuable, whether it’s a diamond necklace or a Little Gold, you run the risk of having it stolen out of your bag.

We’ve always advised readers to go with discreet toys for their carry-on… but now we’re thinking, is it less suspicious to security if the item actually looks like a sex toy? Whereas, a vibrating lipstick tube, for example, might be considered suspicious?

Great question! When I say “discreet,” I am referring to vibrators that are simple and small, and designs that aren’t outrageous. If a lipstick tube starts vibrating when a TSA agent handles it, it’s not likely that they’ll jump to the conclusion that it’s a bomb — but it may cause them to ask you some questions! While it’s hard to know which vibrators your particular TSA agent is familiar with, you can be reasonably sure they’ve seen a lot of bullet, pocket and smoothie vibrators in their time, so they’ll know one when they see it.

Read the rest of this post on SUNfiltered