Em & Lo: Sex. Love. And Everything in Between. » How To http://www.emandlo.com Your daily dose of advice, news, and stories about sex, love, and other important stuff. No yoga mat required. Fri, 29 May 2015 11:55:06 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 8 Rules for Shooting Naughty Videos with Your Partner http://www.emandlo.com/2015/05/8-rules-for-shooting-a-private-sex-scene-with-your-partner/ http://www.emandlo.com/2015/05/8-rules-for-shooting-a-private-sex-scene-with-your-partner/#comments Fri, 29 May 2015 11:55:06 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=33283 photo via flickr

Thinking of playing a little very candid camera with your other half? Engaging in your own sexual shoot, whether as the star or the director or both, can automatically make things more dramatic and theatrical, even if you end up keeping most of your clothes on or refuse to make any cliched “orgasm faces.” But, without thinking things through, the results can be unflattering, embarrassing, or even publicly humiliating (much more likely results than the empire born out of the butt of Kim Kardashian’s sex tape). So take heed:

  1. Only do it with someone you trust with your life. Or at least someone you have incriminating dirt on so you have something to bargain with should they threaten to release your video to the public.
  2. That said, you probably shouldn’t make a sex “tape” unless you’re okay with it ending up online. You just never know.
  3. You don’t have to look, sound, or act like a porn star or producer to whip out a camera during your next romp in the bedroom. So don’t stress about “dialogue” or dirty talk — just do your thing. The mere fact that you’re recording the act will feel dirty enough.
  4. You don’t have to include your full bodies in the shot. You don’t even have to show anything that dirty. Try a cool angle, like from the head of the bed (but remember, never from below lest you look like beached whales) or a close head-&-shoulders crop: the focus can be on your expressions, your sounds, and the intimacy of the moment. Or shoot everything but your faces.
  5. Along the same lines of less is more, if you have any body parts you’re self conscious about, then by all means use an item of clothing, a blanket, a pillow, dramatic chiaroscuro lighting, or your partner to hide them.
  6. If you’re video camera’s got one, turn on its night-vision feature — it obscures imperfections and creates a funky, sci-fi look. Plus, you can shoot entirely in the dark, which is a tequila-free method of loosening inhibitions.
  7. If your squeaky mattress gives the video a slapstick feel, then cut the sound and replace it with your favorite in-the-mood song. (A million Hollywood directors can’t be wrong.)
  8. To be on the safe side, consider erasing all incriminating evidence immediately afterwards. And no, that doesn’t defeat the purpose: Creating a naughty video together is more about the process than the end result. Plus, if you delete it immediately, there’s no chance that Aunt Mabel will accidentally stumble upon your “art” when she’s nosily scrolling through your camera at the family reunion.

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How to Conquer Your Jealousy for Good http://www.emandlo.com/2015/05/how-to-conquer-your-jealousy-for-good/ http://www.emandlo.com/2015/05/how-to-conquer-your-jealousy-for-good/#comments Thu, 21 May 2015 14:25:26 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=33197

by Moushumi Ghose for YourTango

Don’t sweat it.

Does your boyfriend or girlfriend still have a relationship of a platonic nature with his or her ex? Does this relationship with the ex keep popping up in your relationship to the point where you feel threatened by the relationship? Do you worry about their past, and their history together? Do you feel inadequate or insecure about their conversations and interactions?

I want to turn your attention to a concept known as Starvation Economics. This concept was introduced to me by a book on open relationshipsEthical Slut by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt. The basic concept is that love is endless, and there is no allotment of love. Love is not to be rationed.

But the basic premise when dealing with, for example jealousy, the kind that pops up when we worry about our partner cheating on us, or still being in love with their ex boyfriend or girlfriend, is that there is no cap on the amount of love we can give or receive.

We believe that just because he is in love with me, he mustn’t fall in love with another, for if he did he would fall out of love with me. When in fact most people are capable of loving many, and most people who do fall in love with another, at the other person’s expense, probably fell out of love long before falling in love again.

The basic point I am trying to make is that the capacity for love is infinite and ownership and possessiveness are prescribed by society. For some reason we have been taught that we can only be in love with one person, fall in love with one person and that one person will fulfill all of those needs.

And this may be true for many, however this does not diminish the fact that the ability to love is endless. It’s not as if we only have a 100% of love to give and then it will run out. That simply is not the case.

It is unrealistic to think that an ex boyfriend or ex spouse does not hold a spot in our hearts and in our history. It’s part of where we were and lends to where we have come in life, and where we are now. We should not feel threatened by small innocent interactions.

When we are full of loving we will tend to realize and understand that our partners love for us is most likely quite different than the love they have with their ex. True, with not as much history, perhaps, but nonetheless, special in it’s own way. Not better. Not worse.

Don’t be jealous of all the dirty water under the bridge of their old relationship.

Learn to accept it as a part of your partner’s package and move on. Nit-picking over the relationship your partner has with his or her ex has more to do with you than it does with them. Not everyone believes that they have to cut off all ties with their exes. That is okay.

Focus on your relationship, not on the other relationships your partner has. If he is not breaking your trust by doing something dishonest, then his relationships are his business, and part of his package when coming into a relationship with you. We do not own our partners.

However, if you are truly worried that your partner may leave you for his ex, or concerned about the bond they have, ask yourself is this a realistic reason to be upset or are you just jealous?

Jealousy always has more to do with you and your unrealistic fears, such as your fear of loss, abandonment, being alone and being rejected/left behind for someone else.

Jealousy stems from feelings of internal inferiority, from a lack of love for yourself first, which leaves you incapable of wanting only the best for others, and in the end loving others. When you have the love for yourself, you can recognize that jealousy does not have to do with being realistic about the stability of your relationship, the bond, and trust you have with your partner.

It does not lend to wanting the best for your partner. If however, there is something else going on, and your fears are actually based in reality (be honest with yourself, and remember you can get professional help too, it always helps to talk about these things) then before you make any sudden moves make sure you recognize the true nature of your emotions.

Mou is a sex therapist based in Los Angeles. Visit her website at www.LASexTherapist.com. This is an excerpt from her book, Marriage, Money and Porn, available on Amazon.

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photo via flickr

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How to Orgasm Without a Sex Toy http://www.emandlo.com/2015/05/how-to-orgasm-without-a-sex-toy/ http://www.emandlo.com/2015/05/how-to-orgasm-without-a-sex-toy/#comments Fri, 15 May 2015 15:02:47 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=33153 photo via Flickr

Dear Em & Lo,

I’m a 22-year-old woman who has only become sexually active over the last six months or so. I’m enjoying myself and being safe, but it’s starting to annoy me that I can’t have an orgasm without a vibrator. This really bothered my last boyfriend, which of course made me stressed out, self-conscious, and even LESS likely to get off. I’ve talked to my girlfriends about it, and they keep telling me “practice makes perfect…eventually it’ll just happen…etc.” but I’m impatient! I know it’s not uncommon for women to be unable to orgasm through intercourse alone, but I can’t even get myself off without a (strongly vibrating) toy. Hands? No. Oral? Nope. Penetration? Nada. All of those things are awesome, just…not quite awesome enough. So I guess my question is, is there any way I can “learn” to orgasm without a vibrator?

– Manual Laborer

Dear M.L.,

First of all, congratulations on your incredibly mature approach to sex! We know we are constantly making fun of abstinence-only education, but we do think that there are some serious benefits to postponing sexual activity. At 22 years of age, you are in a much better position to know your own body and you are more likely to demand what you want and need in bed. In our experience, 22 year olds just tend to be a lot more thoughtful about sex than your average high schooler.

Also, congratulations on all those orgasms! Just because they’re ”electric,” doesn’t make them any less awesome — we hear from plenty of women who have trouble orgasming, with or without a toy. They’d be delighted to have your so-called problem.

That said, we don’t want to diminish what you’re feeling, because we do understand the desire to climax unplugged. Especially if the sex toy that does it for you is a really strong vibrator — those vibes aren’t always the most discreet. Sometimes it can seem like you’re sharing a bed with a birthing cow. (However, we think that your last boyfriend sounds like a total douche for selfishly pouting about it. Geez. Everyone knows that the fastest way to make an orgasm run for the hills is to put it under pressure and stress it out.)

Unfortunately, we don’t have as many tips as we do congratulations. Your girlfriends are right — it really is a matter of practice and time. And fortunately you’ve got plenty of that — especially now that the pressure-cooker boyfriend is out of the picture. But here are 10 things that might help improve your self-love sessions:

  1. Create ambiance: Set the scene for yourself as much as you do with a partner — dim the lights, play some sexy tunes, turn off your phone, etc. Check out our post about getting yourself in the mood for more tips.
  2. Try a change of scenery. Don’t always do it in the bedroom — strike while the iron is hot, whether that’s when you’re in front of the TV, working late at the office, or cooking in the kitchen. Or take a long bath or shower and have some silicone-based lube handy (it’s waterproof).
  3. Fantasize: When you’re using a super-strong vibrator, it’s easy to get lazy about stimulating your mind, as the Hitachi Magic Wand (etc) is doing all the heavy lifting. Help things along in your head — try erotic short stories, graphic novels, porn or just plain old fantasies. Check out the advice we gave this reader, who lamented the fact that her vibrator didn’t kiss or cuddle, on how to improve masturbation this way.
  4. Warm up. With a vibrator and then switch to your hands — or vice versa.
  5. Lube up: When you’re using your hands, be sure to use lots of lube, since a well lubed clitoris (and labia) can handle a lot more, and a lot more varied, stimulation.
  6. Wean yourself (but don’t call it that). Give your favorite vibe a little less power by using it over clothes or a blanket, using it on a lower and lower setting, or replacing it occasionally with a totally different kind of stimulation. For example, if your fave is an external stimulator like the Lelo’s Nea then try an internal G-spotter like the Lelo’s Gigi 2. Or use your thumb or squeeze your legs around your wrist or have your partner do whatever he can to at least try to replicate your vibe’s sensations….in a word: experiment! But don’t think of it as weaning yourself off the vibrator, think of it as teasing yourself, building up sexual tension that will hopefully eventually find it’s way out.
  7. Lower your expectations: Don’t say “Okay, today is going to be the day I do it on my own and I’m not leaving this bedroom until it happens.” It ain’t never going to happen that way. Instead, set aside a certain amount of time just to stimulate yourself, try new things, take notice of your bodily response — and when time’s up, allow yourself to go the ol’ faithful route. Each consecutive session, extend that time little longer. There could be times when you occasionally don’t allow yourself release, just to help with that teasing we mentioned above, but fasting until it happens “naturally” is just cruel and unusual punishment.
  8. Use toys for couples. Experiment with vibrators that can be used harmoniously during other sex acts, e.g. a vibrating love ring during intercourse or a vibrating finger toy during manual or oral stimulation.
  9. Practice, practice, practice. Hey, it’s not math, it’s masturbation!
  10. Don’t stress about it too much. The odds are good that eventually, if you hang in there, you’ll be able to go it alone. It might be a matter of time, or practice, or the right partner, or the right mind-set, or the right age — you never know. But let’s, for the sake of argument, say DIY never works for you. Then think of it like this: Your orgasm is a tropical island resort. Just enjoy the destination, and don’t worry about how you got there — whether it was via a jet or a homemade raft. At least you’re there! Some people never get to go on such a nice vacation.

Wax on, wax off,

Em & Lo

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5 Signs You’re Dating a Pickup Artist http://www.emandlo.com/2015/05/5-signs-youre-dating-a-pickup-artist/ http://www.emandlo.com/2015/05/5-signs-youre-dating-a-pickup-artist/#comments Thu, 14 May 2015 17:23:43 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=33144

You’re a straight woman, and you like this guy. You have fun, you have chemistry, and then you have sex. At which point, he seems to disappear. But not totally. Sound familiar? Chances are he’s read the Pick Up Artist lit and is following it to a T. Below, read up on the 5 tell-tale signs that’s he’s a PUA from our MVP commenter, Johnny:

1. Engages in “Push-Pull.” Yes, in PU lingo that’s the name of the ‘move’: he’s keeping you off balance by pulling you in one day and pushing you away the next. It can work like a charm and get you hooked.

2. Takes you on an emotional roller coaster. Just repeating PU theory here! Which claims that women live for this emotional up and down. PU theory would hold that if he were just a nice guy who liked you as much as you like him, you’d be bored of him already. So he’s not that nice to you.

3. Has slotted you as a fuck buddy (if you’ll forgive the crassitude). He is following prescribed PUA protocol for keeping a woman slotted as a FB (stays distant to begin with – “once a week” is actually the recommendation – and he backs WAY off when you push for more). This leads probably means that you’re one of multiple women in his life. Guys only act this way when sex is abundant in their lives.

4. Withdraws from commitment. With every push YOU make — with every demand for more time, more attention, etc. — you drive him further off.

5. Only engages in low investment/high reward activities with you. He cooks for you at home, invites you for a movie at home, only hangs out with you if you’re DTF (down to fuck), only texts/phones to arrange logistics — these are all standard PUA moves.

So there it is. He might like you, but he likes his independence and his multiple partners more. You’re probably not going to get more out of him than this because — abundance — he doesn’t have to give you any more than this to get his needs fulfilled.

Stay tuned for more from Johnny on the types of PUAs out there and ways to engage them (should you choose to do so — hey, it’s your life!). 

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How to Have More Sex Without It Feeling Like a Chore http://www.emandlo.com/2015/05/how-to-have-more-sex-with-it-feeling-like-a-chore/ http://www.emandlo.com/2015/05/how-to-have-more-sex-with-it-feeling-like-a-chore/#comments Wed, 13 May 2015 14:24:52 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=33118

According to new research, having more sex may actually make couples less happy — if they feel like they’re being told to have more sex. The Carnegie Mellon study, published in the Journal of Economic Behavior & Organization, studied 64 heterosexual married couples between 35 and 65 years old. Group one was told to have sex as they usually did for the next three months; group two was told to have twice as much sex as they usually did. Researchers then measured the couples’ happiness and sexual satisfaction. And guess what? Group two enjoyed the sex less, had less desire for sex, and overall, was less happy.

The researchers aren’t claiming their study proves that more sex equals less happiness. (Though this could certainly be true for some couples — it’s hard to pine for each other when you’re doing it all the time!) Rather, they think that the couples resented having sex be some kind of task that they had to check off on a to-do list, whether or not they were in the mood. It’s the ultimate honey-do list!

“If we ran the study again, and could afford to do it,” says George Loewenstein, PhD, the head researcher, “we would try to encourage subjects into initiating more sex in ways that put them in a sexy frame of mind — perhaps with baby-sitting, hotel rooms, or Egyptian sheets — rather than directing them to do so.”

But not every couple has a university researcher who will treat them to a fancy hotel room or nice sheets. So here are five suggestions for how you can have more sex in your relationship… without setting yourself some kind of goal that will feel like homework.

1. Talk About Your Own Sex Life

Remember when your relationship was new and you two were like this narcissistic unit, attached at the mouth/genitals? You talked about yourselves all the time back then, right? You talked to each other about how good the sex was, you talked about how into each other you were, and you didn’t really want to talk about or to anyone else. Well, it’s good that you moved on from that stage, otherwise you’d probably lose your job and your friends (and you’d never even consider procreation). But you could use a little more of that attention in your relationship now — and a little goes a long way. Take some time out of talking about your day to talk to each other about what you did in bed last night/last week/your best time ever. It’s like stealth foreplay, priming yourselves for more of that good stuff.

2. Sext Your Partner with a Promise.

Notice we said sext, not text. If you simply say, hey, let’s have sex tonight when I get home, it might feel like you just added one more item to the bottom of your shopping list. The dirtier and more specific the directive, the more organic it will feel.

3. Shower Just Before Bed

Duh, right? It takes five minutes. Just try it.

4. Keep Your Sex Toys Handy

What’s on your nightstand right now? A stack of books and magazines, an alarm clock, a tube of Chapstick, a box of Kleenex, your iPhone? Now, how about your sex toys, where are they? In a box under your bed? In your closet? When your bedside accessories are right there, next to your night-time lip balm — and fully charged, don’t forget, that’s important — they’re much harder to ignore. (If you have nosy kids or house guests, hide a vibrator inside your box of Kleenex!)

5. Ask Each Other These 36 Questions On a Date Night

Yeah, yeah, we know everyone tells you to go on a date night if you want to get in a mood. But that’s a lot of pressure to put on a plate of pasta to reinvigorate your desire for each other! What if the food sucks? What if your waiter is mean to you? Here’s a way to make a date night feel truly intimate: Ask each other these 36 questions. (The author of the questions also recommends staring into each other’s eyes for four full silent minutes at the end of the date — if you can pull that off, too, more power to you!)

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Why You Should Let Your Boyfriend or Husband Watch Porn http://www.emandlo.com/2015/05/why-you-should-let-your-boyfriend-or-husband-watch-porn/ http://www.emandlo.com/2015/05/why-you-should-let-your-boyfriend-or-husband-watch-porn/#comments Tue, 12 May 2015 11:00:58 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=33045

Porn is an evergreen issue in our mailbox — we frequently get letters about it from both men and women. The men tend to say, why is my girlfriend/wife so bothered by porn? And the women tend to say, why does my boyfriend/husband watch porn when he has me? Or, why does he continue to watch porn when he knows I don’t like it. Today, we want to address those women, a.k.a. the Porn Patrol. Because for all of the issues we have with porn (political, ethical, feminist, intellectual, aesthetic…we could go on), we think that compromising on porn may just save your relationship.

Let’s take your relationship with shoes (or women’s magazines, or whatever): imagine if your partner said he was viscerally opposed to it, thinks it is a horrible industry that exploits people and perpetuates sexism and misogyny, and suggested that it might be a deal breaker. Or imagine if he asked you to give up masturbation*, because he should be enough for you. You’d be bummed, because you know those things don’t impact the love you have for your guy. You might, out of generosity and kindness, give them up, but then you might become bitter and resentful for being forced to change.

We understand how porn makes many women feel uncomfortable and unloved and disrespected — we’ve been there — but really, from his perspective, it has nothing to do with you; you’re not in any competition with it; it’s a normal and almost unavoidable part of being a guy. (It’s also a normal part of being a woman, for some.) And honestly, you’ll have a hard time finding a man who doesn’t like porn; it’s hard enough to find one who doesn’t like sports!

This is not to say that all porn is harmless. We think that the prevalence of porn can be blamed for a lot of the misconceptions young people (and plenty of adults) have today about sex and safety and what constitutes realistic sex and what works for women (physically and psychically) and what it means to treat people with decency and respect. Which is why it’s so important not only for decent, realistic sex education to be readily and widely available, but for critical thinking about porn to be an equally prevalent part of our culture (we love this Danish sexologist’s idea for teaching young people to be critical and conscientious about their porn consumption).  We also think it’s important that people — especially women — support the production of quality porn (because porn ain’t going away).

Of course, you can’t dictate people’s sexual fantasies or tell them what they can and can’t watch, like an uptight Big Brother. Well, you can, if you’re their partner, but it probably won’t go over so well. Which is why it’s better to tell them how you feel. Compromises can be made on both sides so everyone’s more at ease. Maybe you try to find something that turns you on, that you find acceptable so you can see where he’s coming from, as it were — maybe so you could even enjoy it together.

You can certainly encourage him to stay away from the more disturbing stuff, like, say, Brazilian fart porn — there is plenty of good, old-fashioned, healthy, and responsible boot-knocking going on out there by consenting adults who aren’t on drugs. But if he’s watching porn instead of having sex with you, or his porn consumption is getting in the way of school or work or social outings or daily living, then you’re in your rights to demand he seek professional help.

Assuming it’s not an unhealthy porn addiction, and you can’t find a way to get into it yourself, but you’re not willing to walk away from the relationship, then make sure your guy keeps it a private thing (and if he’s doing this already, consider it him being polite!). Don’t talk about it and definitely don’t watch it, and ask that he hide all signs of it.  In this case, ignorance can be bliss.

*Masturbation is something you should continue to do whether you’re in a relationship or not, married or not — it’s good for you to have some quality alone time!

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photo via flickr

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How Cheating May Actually Improve Your Relationship http://www.emandlo.com/2015/05/how-cheating-can-actually-improve-your-relationship/ http://www.emandlo.com/2015/05/how-cheating-can-actually-improve-your-relationship/#comments Thu, 07 May 2015 15:38:06 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=33051

by Sarah Harrison for YourTango

We didn’t believe it at first either …

Unless you’re inclined toward polyamory, extramarital relations are generally frowned upon.

Marriages accept and expect monogamy; infidelity is harmful! Right?

Not so fast, says Michael J. Formica, a Psychology Today blogger. In a post on the “Enlightened Living” blog, Formica makes the case that thinking about cheating—and even stepping out on your sweetie—can potentially help your relationship.

First Formica identifies four basic types of affairs:

  1. An object affair: The cheating partner neglects the relationship to focus on something else—work, a video game, an intense involvement in floral arrangement—a detriment to his or her love life.
  2. A sexual affair: Exactly what they sound like: The adulterer rents cheap hotel rooms for sex—but not emotional intimacy. A sexual affair is strictly about nookie, nothing more.​
  3. An emotional affair: When there’s no smooching, but lots of sentiment. You’re spending hours on IM with someone who’s not your boyfriend, spilling your secrets to a woman who’s not your wife, turning to someone else instead of your partner in times of need. Clearly not good for your primary relationship.
  4. A secondary relationship affair: This is the traditional kind of cheating, where you have two parallel partnerships that are both sexual and emotional, and it’s this kind of liaison that Formica says can actually help a marriage.

First, he says, an affair can add fizz to a flat partnership. What was once stale gets refreshed by a new energy.

Second, if you’re having an affair you’re probably doing it because you’re missing something in your primary relationship. If you analyze the affair you might be able to see what it is that’s lacking and address that problem.

Finally, people tend to get into the same kind of relationship over and over again, but affairs are different—according to Formica they often are “a more authentic barometer for what we actually need in our relationships.”

Right about now you’re probably thinking this Formica guy is one messed up dude who’s just making excuses for cheating. But Formica qualifies his analysis:

The “good” that might come out of an affair is clearly not the affair itself or its potential painful consequences (for the betrayed, children involved, etc.). But, as I often say, everything is material for change. If we look at our choices and examine ourselves in an honest and forthright way, we just might find one of the keys to prompt our own personal growth and evolution.

That evolution might lead us back to a more authentic relationship with our primary relationship, or it might lead us to a more authentic understanding of ourselves that leads us away from that primary partner. Either way, that is still positive growth.

Readers, what do you think? Can infidelity ever lead to positive change? Or is the damage wrought by cheating too harmful to ever be good?

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What Is the PS-Spot and How Can I Enjoy It? http://www.emandlo.com/2015/05/what-is-the-ps-spot-and-how-can-i-enjoy-it/ http://www.emandlo.com/2015/05/what-is-the-ps-spot-and-how-can-i-enjoy-it/#comments Fri, 01 May 2015 11:46:12 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=32957 photo via flickr

Unless you’ve been living in a cave, you know exactly what the G-spot is, and you probably know where it is, too — an area on the front wall of the vagina a few inches in that, when stimulated, can result in extreme pleasure, explosive orgasms, and even female ejaculation…well, at least for some women (quite a few don’t like theirs even looked at!). Thanks to a number of studies on the anatomy and sexual response of this area over the past few decades, the G-spot has become the It Girl of female sexuality.

But what about the PS-spot? The PS-who?

That’s exactly the reaction we got when we asked a group of sexually sophisticated women and their partners about this area opposite the G-spot: “Never heard of it”, and “The G-spot is hard enough to find, let alone something with 2 letters”, and “Is that similar to treacle sponge?” If the G-spot is the It Girl, the PS-spot is its red-headed step-sister. So here’s some info to help you get to know her better, because she can really be quite nice:

  1. What the PS-spot is exactly: The PS stands for perineal sponge, which lies between the vagina and rectum, just beneath the perineum (that band of skin between the vaginal opening and the anus). The perineal sponge is a mass of erectile tissue, which means that when it’s stimulated, it fills with blood and becomes engorged, just like a man’s penis and a woman’s clitoris do during arousal.
  2. Why you’ve never heard of the PS-spot: Willful ignorance has been a long-standing tradition when it comes to female sexuality. Women were once considered practically asexual, encouraged just to lie back and think of England. Then Freud nearly ruined the clitoris for us, suggesting that orgasms gained from its stimulation were somehow “immature”. And even today there are some doctors who question the existence of the G-spot. There’s just been very little research on pleasure-related issues for women, especially those connected to the perineal sponge.
  3. How to stimulate the PS-spot: The best way to stimulate the PS-spot is with a finger(s) or a curved sex toy – just as is the case with the G-spot, except you apply pressure in the opposite direction (i.e. on the back lower wall of the vagina). You can also stimulate it via the perineum (pushing up) or the anus (gently pushing toward the front of the body). If you want to try getting at it during intercourse, you could try positions that direct the penis/phallus toward your back wall, such as missionary or woman-on-top with your torsos pressed together — basically, the opposite of what works best for targeting the G-spot, which is doggy style.
  4. What the PS-spot may feel like: Women who like this area stimulated have reported various results: reaching orgasm from its stimulation alone, enhancement of other kinds of stimulation,  the extending or intensifying of orgasm, reaching orgasm quicker.
  5. Why you shouldn’t get too excited about the PS-spot: Whether you’re looking for the G-spot or the PS-spot, there’s definitely no guarantee that either will feel good to you. And that’s okay. It’s good just to know that these spots are a natural part of your anatomy there to be explored. If you happen to be one of those women for whom the G-spot isn’t the holy grail, then maybe the PS-spot will do it for you. If not, don’t worry — there are always other spots to try, whether they have their own catchy term yet or not. When you find one you like, name it after your own initials!

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5 Signs Your Jealousy Is Out of Control http://www.emandlo.com/2015/04/5-signs-your-jealousy-is-out-of-control/ http://www.emandlo.com/2015/04/5-signs-your-jealousy-is-out-of-control/#comments Thu, 30 Apr 2015 11:14:40 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=32951
Kim Olver for Your Tango | Photo via Flickr

Extreme jealousy is one of the most destructive things in a relationship. Engaging in jealous behaviors and suspicions is not cute. It does not let your significant other know you really care.

And it definitely will not strengthen your relationship.

An occasional, mildly jealous episode might actually heighten the interest in your relationship but chronic, pathological jealousy is like a cancer that will destroy any loving feelings that exist in your relationship.

With that in mind, here are five signs you are a jealous mess:

1. His phone habits upset you. Whenever your partner doesn’t answer the telephone while in your presence, you wonder if it could be a lover.

2. His social media habits scare you. Whenever your partner has a new friend on Facebook, you go to the friend’s page to check out your competition.

3. You stalk him. You find yourself driving by your loved one’s job, home or places you know him/her to frequent, thinking you’ll find some incriminating evidence.

4. You’re mistrustful of new people. Every time your loved one introduces you to someone new, you closely watch them for any sign of attraction and later grill your significant other about their relationship.

5. You snoop. Whenever you get the opportunity, you are checking your loved one’s phone and/or email for signs he/she may be involved with someone else.

If this describes you, your relationship is in big trouble! It’s time for some introspection and to make some changes.

Is this the person you really want to be? Does your partner deserve your trust and respect? If so, then extend those courtesies. If not, and your partner has given you multiple reasons not to trust him/her, ask yourself why you are still in a relationship with a person you cannot trust?

People who are a jealous mess choose these jealous behaviors as their best attempt to get what they want. Typically what jealous people want is for their partner to have no romantic interest in other people.

If you are a jealous mess, ask yourself the question, Is my behavior really causing my partner to want to be with me exclusively?  When you honestly look at your behavior, you are going to have to admit that everything you are doing is pushing your loved one right into the arms of an understanding, non-jealous person.

Do you think your behavior is attractive? Do you actually believe that engaging in this crazy behavior will keep your partner devoted to you, and only you, for the rest of your life?

When you actually take the time to honestly answer those questions, you know what you are doing isn’t helping your cause.

So now what? It’s time to understand that you, and only you, are in charge of your behavior. When you feel compelled to engage in behavior you know is destructive, it is because you are having thoughts that lead to feelings that generate the destructive behavior. The place in that cycle where you have the most control is your thinking.

Next time you begin to feel jealous, ask yourself, What am I thinking right now that is creating these feelings of jealousy? Is what I’m thinking true? Is it really true? How do I know? What evidence is there to indisputably support this story I’m telling myself? What other story could I invent that would create loving feelings instead? What thoughts could I think that will lead to trust? What thoughts will help me be the person I really want to be in this relationship?

Change your story, change your life. Stop being a victim of repetitive behavior as if you have no control. The only person who can change this perpetuating cycle is you. So choose something different today!

This article originally appeared on YourTango. Check out Kim Olver’s book, Secrets of Happy Couples, for tips on what to do when you are a jealous mess. She talks about the four roots of jealousy and what to do about them.

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Why Everyone Needs a Rhymes-with-Bucket List http://www.emandlo.com/2015/04/why-everyone-needs-a-rhymes-with-bucket-list/ http://www.emandlo.com/2015/04/why-everyone-needs-a-rhymes-with-bucket-list/#comments Mon, 27 Apr 2015 20:30:15 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=32917
photo via Wikimedia Commons

Our favorite part of President Obama’s monologue at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner monologue on Saturday night was this: “I am determined to make the most of every moment I have left. After the midterm elections, my advisors asked me ‘Mr. President, do you have a bucket list?’ And I said, “Well, I have something that rhymes with bucket list.’ Take executive action on immigration. Bucket. New climate regulations. Bucket. It’s the right thing to do.”

Which got us thinking: Everyone needs a rhymes-with-bucket list! Because bucket lists themselves can be kind of intimidating. All those things you have to do. Man, it’s exhausting. And as the years pass and you fail to check off a single item? That bucket list can start to make you feel like crap when you get out of bed in the morning. It can taunt you a little.

Not so the rhymes-with-bucket list, however! Rhymes-with-bucket is meant to make your life easier. Here are ten items to kick off your very own rhymes-with-bucket list. Add to it whenever the “bucket” mood strikes you…

1. Don’t have Gisele’s body? Bucket! Love the skin you’re in, even the bits that have stretch marks and funny-shaped birthmarks. Because confidence is sexier than self-loathing any day of the week. (Related:  Can’t pull off skinny jeans? Bucket! Remember when boot-cut jeans were trendy and women everywhere gave thanks because pretty much anyone can look good in boot cut? And then the fashion gods decreed that skinny was in — because, duh, fashion people are skinny. How mean girl is that? We think you should wear them — and your muffin top — with pride… or, if you prefer, go full nineties in your boot cuts. Because who cares what cut your jeans are? Like 0.000001% of the population, that’s who.)

2. Feel like a woman inside? Bucket! Think like a genderbread person, just like Bruce Jenner did. Because the genitals you were born with do not have to define you.

3. Don’t feel like “doing brunch”? Bucket! Because this awesome SNL parody of the Sara Bareilles song “Brave” says so.

4. Can’t handle casual sex? Bucket! Just because all the cool kids are doing it, doesn’t mean you have to jump on the booty calling bandwagon. If you prefer sex in the content of a long-term, loving, committed relationship, then speak up… and keep your legs closed and/or your pants zipped until you get a response you like. Because we say so!

5. Want to discuss a major plot-spoiling aspect of your favorite TV show on Twitter right now? Bucket! Because discussing things right as they happen is kind of the whole point of Twitter, isn’t it? Also because that same SNL parody says so. In fact, it’s kind of the national anthem of the rhymes-with-bucket list, in our opinion.

6. Can’t keep up with world events in the news? Bucket! Just subscribe to the Daily Skimm. Because we do, and now we don’t have to pretend to know what everyone else is talking about.

7. Can’t stand your spouse? Bucket! Get a divorce. Because we’re like 99.9999999% certain you won’t go to hell for it.

8. Feel like getting a little kinky tonight? Bucket! Just say something. Because communication is the cornerstone of good sex. And if you never ask, you’ll never know whether your partner’s up for it.

9. Not in the mood? Bucket! Don’t have sex. Just because your sister does it four times a week and Cosmopolitan magazine says you should do it five times a week and your parents are still doing it and TV commercials make it seem like even eating salad dressing gives you an orgasm — doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you if you don’t feel like having sex all the time. Because whether you feel like getting tied up and spanked, or you’re more in the mood for some platonic cuddling tonight — you make your own normal.

10. Want to get married/pay for dinner/ask someone out/get laid/get a raise/stay home with the kids? Bucket! Just ask, already, no matter whether it’s supposed to be the man’s or woman’s job to do so. Because it’s 2015, people. Duh.

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