It’s that time of year again! When we struggle to find great, unique, interesting, compelling, and, yes, practical gifts for our loved ones, especially our romantically loved ones. Slippers are great, but sex toys are better. As long as you make quality, beauty and safety your main priorities, you can’t go wrong with a pleasure object (unless you’re in a relationship with a religious neo-con, i.e. one of the few ones who don’t have a secret gimp suit hidden under their bed). Here are ten of our favorites — pick the one that’s right for your sexy Santa or your own nicely naughty wish list:

1. Lelo’s Insignia line — Talk about geek love. This is the first line of vibrating toys that allows you or your partner to control the sensations wirelessly with just the tilt of a hand using iPhone and Wii technology. Choose between an egg, a love ring, or a couple’s massager — all are waterproof, non-porous and phthalate free.

2. Jimmyjane Iconic Collection – This company took the best, most popular vibrators that ever existed, made them out of hygienic, non-porous, phthalate-free material (unlike all their knockoffs) and gave them all a cool design touch by making them all white. They’ve got all the great sex toy bases covered: there’s a love ring, a bullet, a wand, a rabbit, a pocket rocket, to name a few — all of which are super affordable for such a high-end brand! If you or someone you love has a subscription to I.D. magazine and uses a Herman Miller chair at work, then this set will make a great indulgent treat.

3. Holiday Duckie Ball — The vibrating duckie is a classic: waterproof, powerful, discreet and non-threatening. You can make it even more adorable — and thus less likely to offend — by opting for the Santa-suited duckie in the ornament ball. The little yellow vibe made of PVC, which keeps the price down, but at least it’s phthalate-free PVC! (There’s also a gold duckie holiday ball, too.)

4. Metal Worx — Stainless steel is a natural, hygienic, easy to clean material. Plus, it just looks super cool and shiny (thank you, hand polishing!). Even the most homophobic, tool-loving, man’s man would have a hard time turning down the Teazer probe — especially if you gave it to him under the mistletoe.

5. Lelo’s Intima Collection — If your partner has a secret kinky side but also a fashion sense that won’t abide pleather and chunky silver chains, you can give them a kinder, gentler BDSM experience with Lelo’s elegant and sensual wrist ties, blindfolds and feather teasers. The deep red color of these bedroom accessories is perfect for the holidays.

6. Tenga – Forget the Fleshlight. Let’s class it up this Christmas for the porn connoisseur in your life and opt for “onacups” (onanism cups) with a sense of design and style. You can even get a cute little Tenga hole warmer to stick in their stocking.

7. Smartballs Kit — Have a friend who is going to have a baby? Or just had one? Help get her pelvic floor (back) in shape with a Smartballs kit from Fun Factory, the smiley-happy toy manufacturer. Smartballs help tone vaginal muscles to make childbirth easier, get the pelvic floor back in shape after delivery, improve her orgasms, and increase sensation for her baby-daddy. Much better coming from you than her partner. You can choose a red Teneo Uno and a green Teneo Duo for the holidays!

8. Garden of Edo Organic Collection — If you’re going to pamper your Pookie (we’re talking about a loved one, not a body part here) with a collection of massage oils and bath salts, make it thrice as nice by opting for a brand that’s certified organic and erotically inclined.

9. Kimono Condoms — Safer sex is always in season. And condoms are the perfect “stockings” to stuff in your friend or lover’s stocking! Kimono Microthins are the thinnest condom available in the US — 20 percent thinner than normal condoms! They’re natural latex rubber and animal-product-free.

10. Candy Cane — This one won’t give your sweet-toothed sweetheart a cavity. Or any other ailments, for that matter, since tempered glass is one of the safest materials out there when it comes to toys: it’s non-porous and phthalate-free. Hide it in a Holiday Hide a Gift Pillow so you can play Secret Santa when you two cozy up by the fire.

photo via flickr

Before Facebook, MySpace, Google, et al, the “one who got away” (OWGA) was rarely more than a passing daydream — or a handy bit of masturbation material.

Sure, someone might have eagerly looked forward to their ten-year high school reunion and they might have spent a little longer picking out an outfit before hitting the mall over the holidays while home visiting parents — but the idea of actually pursuing an OWGA did not exist. And then people got all connected and starting emailing their OWGAs, flirting over IM, suggesting coffee, sexting, cheating on their spouses, leaving their spouses for a grass-is-greener fantasy …

The OWGA, in essence, represents regret. Actually, perhaps that’s a little harsh. Rather, the OWGA is the embodiment of “What if?” Dreaming of OWGAs is what happens when someone finds themselves single and/or unhappy (or just a little bored) and starts to rifle through their mental Rolodex. They wonder how their life would have been different if they’d asked out X instead of Y. They wonder, “Maybe I already met my OWGA and was just too stupid to realize it at the time.” They think, “I should have just slept with my OWGA back then and then I’d know what I was or wasn’t missing.” And now, thanks to the power of the Internet, they also think, “I wonder if they’re still on the market?”

So is it a good thing that people can now reach out and, er, touch their OWGA? We’re torn. So we decided to create a pros and cons list to help us make up our minds.

• On the one hand… it’s kind of awesome when you are the OWGA that someone else tracks down. Totally flattering.
• But on the other… it does make you think, “Why the hell didn’t they hit on me back then, when I was single and lonely and hating high school?” And the answer is, you weren’t an OWGA back then, that’s why. The urge to merge only really hit them when you transformed, over the years, into a first-class OWGA. Take it as a compliment: we like to think that the truly solid citizens among us all become OWGAs eventually, while the superficial bitchy Heathers of the world fade into obscurity.

• On the one hand… if you’ve never quite been able to shake the idea that you married the wrong person, it can be an incredible relief to discover that your OWGA is a total fuck-up/Republican/drunk.
• But on the other… there goes some awesome masturbation material.

• On the one hand… maybe you did marry the wrong person, and maybe you should be with your OWGA.
• But on the other… what if they’re married? With kids. Way to go, home-wrecker.

• On the one hand… being in touch with your OWGA can beef up a lackluster masturbation routine.
• But on the other… it’s a slippery slope. Sure, your partner might be cool with your fantasy life, but would they really want you IM-ing with your fantasy?

Who knows which side wins? And actually, it won’t matter for much longer anyway. Because we are the last generation with the privilege of losing touch with people. The current generation grew up on Facebook. They’ll never lose touch with anyone! So that misguided haircut — not to mention all those ill-advised one-night stands — will stay with them forever. The OWGA is a dying breed, and — call us hopeless romantics — we’ll miss them. Or, at least, the idea of them.

This article also appeared on EdenFantasys.com

photo via flickr

Is masturbating to porn cheating? Readers are always asking us this question, and the masturbator in question is pretty much always a man. Sometimes his female partner writes to us, asking if she’s right to feel cheated on. Other times the man himself writes to us, asking why his partner can’t understand how benign his porn masturbation habit really is.

For better or worse, we have a feeling that this problem is going to be less of an issue in coming years — because most of the women who are concerned about their partner’s porn habit didn’t come of age in an era when pornstar memoirs topped the bestseller lists and prepubescent girls wore fitted tees adorned with the Playboy Bunny logo. In other words, women who have not yet learned that porn is not a mistress, it’s just a business.

But for now, it remains a huge stumbling block for many couples. While we can sympathize with our sisters on this one, we’re afraid we can’t side with them. After all, very few sexually active women can say they’ve never entertained a sexual fantasy involving someone (or something) other than their partner — and we certainly can’t sic the thought police on those who have. What’s “appropriate” is so subjective when it comes to sexual fantasy, and lines are difficult to draw. There’s one’s imagination. And then there’s erotica. How about erotica with illustrations? Or sex manuals with photographs? What happens when you swap those photos for videos? And where does a website that offers sex toys and sex-related articles fit into the picture? We may like some of the above and abhor the rest, but who are we to say where the line gets drawn?

Now, this is not to say that every man should have carte blanche to ogle any kind of porn whenever and however he wants when he’s in a relationship with a woman with strong opinions on the matter. Each relationship is different, and each man’s relationship to porn is different. And there’s a huge difference — at least, most women would see a huge difference — between rubbing one out to a Playboy centerfold and getting off on gang-rape porn. There’s a huge difference between the occasional porn-supported wank and a true addiction that negatively affects his real sex life, his job, his ability to bathe and call his mama regularly.

But if both of the relationships — the one between the man and woman and the one between the man and his smut collection — are healthy, balanced, and mature, then we don’t see what the problem is. So long as a man is not prioritizing porn over sex with his One True Love, and so long as it’s not affecting the amount of sex he’s having with her — BFD. And most (well-balanced) men we know only indulge in porn when their partner is out of town or out on a ladies’ night, so it’s not like most women are ever going to walk in on their man wanking to a Web site.

That all said, sometimes a man’s porn habit does affect his partner, and it can really damage the way she views sex with him. We don’t think any man should have to sacrifice his masturbation habit (in the same way we don’t believe a woman should have to give up her favorite vibrator once she’s in a relationship), but we don’t want any woman’s sexual confidence to suffer, either. So here are five tips to help women understand men’s relationship to porn. Ladies, read on with an open mind — and gentlemen, feel free to quote us liberally when explaining your habit to your partner:

1. Have you ever ogled a movie star on screen? Men’s “appreciation” of the women of porn is no different: just a fleeting fantasy. We’re not going to say that Hollywood and the porn industry don’t have underlying negative effects on collective body image issues or expectations about sex and love, but most intelligent people can differentiate between fantasy and reality. When it comes to porn, men don’t wish you looked like any of the women they wank to — part of the appeal is that they DON’T look like you do and most of the time they don’t look like anyone they’d take home to meet their mama. (Sorry, pornstars, no offense, we’re just trying to help out some ladies in distress here.)
2. It is possible to be an ethical consumer of porn, so feel free to ask your man to be one. This means being confident that everything on screen is consensual, of-age, and safe, and that no actual women were harmed in the making of the film. Seriously, most animals in Hollywood movies are treated better than your average pornstar, so make sure he’s being a conscientious consumer (female-produced porn is often a safe bet). This may well be enough to ease your mind, you’ll find.
3. Consider this: For most men, masturbation is basically just about scratching an itch. And most men need a little visual stimulation in order to scratch that itch.
4. Try the whole “walk a mile in his shoes” theory: You masturbate next time you’re apart from each other, either alone or on the phone with your partner. You can practice by masturbating in front of each other first. We’re pretty sure you won’t feel like you just cheated on your partner, even if you think of Bradley Cooper while you do it.
5. Would you perhaps feel better if you were part of your partner’s porn collection? Offer to pose for a few saucy photographs that he could peruse next time you’re out of town — or just at the supermarket. Or make your own home porno together — you could always shoot from the head down if you’re feeling shy.

We’ve said it before, and we’ll say it again: monogamy can be a long, hard slog sometimes, and if we could only cut each other a little slack in the fantasy department, we reckon there’d be a lot less infidelity in this world.

This article also appeared on EdenFantasys.com

photo via Flickr

We’ve said it before, we’ll say it again: Sex is not intercourse. So stop using the two words interchangeably! When we as a society do this over and over again, it gets into the collective unconscious and starts limiting how we imagine the possibilities of pleasure, especially for women. A majority of women (that’s more women than not!) don’t climax from intercourse, so why rush to get there when you can spend time on more rewarding acts? But make no mistake: it’s not like you gentlemen out there can’t enjoy the variety that comes from taking intercourse off its pedestal–hey, if the destination is orgasm, how could anyone complain about the journey there? (Indeed, how could anyone NOT call that “sex”?!) Here, some how-to tips for 5 sexual activities guaranteed to improve both of your non-intercourse sex lives.

1. Talking
Whispering dirty nothings to each other is one of the best forms of foreplay out there–it can really get the mental side of things stirring, which is so important for gals. Now, if you’re cringing and blushing and thinking, “Oh no, please don’t make me talk dirty!”: relax. Bedroom banter doesn’t have to sound like porno dialogue. Tell each other what you’re about to do, just before you do it. Sounds innocent enough, but just you wait…and once you’ve got that part down, you can start telling each other over dinner what you’d like to do later. #1 Must-Do Tip: Feeling tongue-tied? Then buy an erotica anthology (check out the selection at RachelKramerBussel.com) and read it aloud to each other in bed. For more specifics on what to actually say, read our post dedicated to the topic.

2. Kissing
Remember your first few kisses? The sensation was so novel it literally made you weak in the knees! Get that feeling back by making a make-out session an end in itself. Rather than rushing through the motions to get to “better” things, focus on every lick and pucker, in fact, perfect them. Remember: Two tongues at a time is overrated. Gentle lip-biting is hot; gentle tongue-biting is not. #1 Must-Do Tip: Just like any form of sex, kissing doesn’t always have to be romantic and lovey-dovey–try pulling your partner’s hair instead of stroking it during a kiss sometime. For more specifics on how NOT to kiss, read our post dedicated to the topic…

3. Massage
We’ve all heard the statistic that 90 percent of backrubs lead to sex…well, a half-hearted squeeze of the shoulder blades during a commercial break of So You Think You Can Dance isn’t going to get anyone in the mood. But a full-body, well-oiled, dimly lit massage that lasts at least 20 minutes–with no immediate expectation of reciprocation–is the best damn thing you can do for your nerve endings. Plus it gives whoever is on the receiving end an excuse to start moaning. The giver should save the naughty bits for last: by then, they’ll be good and ready for any kind of attention. #1 Must-Do Tip: Both of you should be fully naked to amp up the teasing potential of the massage–just remember, the receiver can’t touch back until the full 20 minutes are up.

4. Handjobs
Hand work gets a bad rap. This is probably because back when you were first experimenting with sex, you poked around with clumsy fingers, never thinking to use lube (on both of you), take your time, and educate each other on what you really liked. But hands and fingers are so much better than mouths, penises and vaginas are at dexterously manipulating genitals–which is why for many women handwork is the only way they can climax. So stop fighting it, and start enjoying it! #1 Must-Do Tip: Teen hand jobs weren’t all bad–re-create a bit of that puppy lust by putting your hands down each other’s pants next time you’re at the movies (though good manners would dictate that you make sure you’re at a drive-in).

5. Oral Sex
Okay, so maybe your tongue isn’t the most dexterous of organs, but it has a few other things in its favor (being naturally lubed, for one). Plus, getting up close and personal with your partner’s genitals like this is a pretty heady (heh) experience–one that can feel even more intimate than the old in-n-out. And like handwork, oral for many women is the key that unlocks the door to their orgasms (while intercourse just knocks on it). #1 Must-Do Tip: While we don’t necessarily think that a 69 is the Shangri-La some people claim it to be, we will say this: the head of your partner’s penis and the head of your clitoris (i.e. the bean) are homologous organs, which means that you can play do-as-I-do with your tongues to show each other exactly how you like to be pleasured down there.

photo via Flickr

Yesterday we reviewed the blow job basics. Today, it’s time for your cunnilingus refresher course. Like getting in shape or getting rich, there’s no one-size-fits-all answer when it comes to going downtown on her. What worked on your last girlfriend may not work on your current one; what worked on your current girlfriend yesterday may not work on her today. So mix it up, keeping these ground rules in mind:

• Don’t do it just so she’ll offer you oral sex in return: think of it as a gift you surprise her with (especially if she’s had a particularly bad day at work).
• Let her know there’s no place you’d rather be and that you’ve got all day, because you do — cunnilingus is made for procrastination and sick days.
• Make her comfortable: turn down the lights if she’s shy, turn up the heat if she’s chilly, tell her to close her eyes if she’s easily distracted.
• One word for you: Tease, tease, tease. Start all the way down at her toes and work your way up.
• Once you get to the main course, run your tongue over the entire area, from bottom to top, side to side, even in and out.
• Don’t be afraid to get wet and messy with your salvia – it’s more fun that way, not to mention easier on her tender bits.
• Hug her buttocks to really get in there, or just stick a pillow under them for easier access.
• If you’ve got five o’clock shadow, make sure it doesn’t irritate her.
• This could take a while. If you’re a guy, then a lot longer than it takes you. Settle in.
• Never blow air into the vagina – that can cause a fatal air embolism.
• Ask for feedback and direction with yes or no questions (Faster? Softer? More of the same?).
• Save the clitoris for last, like the olive in your martini. Try gentle suction, a swirling sensation around it, and/or a repetitive back-and-forth head shake with your tongue stiff and sticking out just a bit.
• It’s not cheating to use your hands. Let your tongue swab the upper decks while your fingers work down below – or vice versa.
• If you’ve got a free hand, rub her surrounding territories: her tummy, inner thighs, perineum and breasts need tender loving care too.
• Make noise: it lets her know your having a good time, plus, the vibration can feel nice.
• It’s okay to come up for air whenever you need to, just be sure to continue the motion with your hands.
• But when you find something she likes, try to stick with it. The same steady pace, without ever speeding up, for twenty minutes (yes, twenty minutes) could be what pushes her over the edge. In fact, any quick or sudden shifts in pressure or form when she’s nearing that edge could be the equivalent of a return-to-start card.

This article also appeared on EdenFantasys.com

photo by Public Domain Photos

Sometimes it’s good to review the basics — you know, take a refresher course on a sexual staple like fellatio, especially if it’s been a while or you’ve gotten into a rut or you’re simply not as confident as you’d like to be in the oral skills department. If you happen to fall into any of these categories, then check out the basic steps below to help get you over the hump, as it were. (For those of you with female partners, tune in tomorrow morning for the cunnilingus primer!)

• Don’t always wait for him to ask: surprise him with it when he least expects it (or when he’s had a particularly bad day at work).
• It’s like The Little Engine Who Could: If you think you’re great at oral sex, then you will be. Confidence is key.
• Tie your hair back (or have him gently hold it back for you) to keep any stray strands from getting in your way and to give him a better view.
• Having full disclosure about potential STDs and using a condom if necessary will help you better focus on the pleasure at hand, rather than being overwhelmed with worry about the potential of exchanging infections (in either direction).
• Don’t worry about how you look down there: at that moment, you’re the most beautiful person in the world to him.
• Your tongue should be in constant motion, especially at the beginning: if his genitals are a blank canvas, then your tongue is a soft paintbrush that makes swirls like van Gogh’s.
• Don’t be afraid to get wet and messy with your salvia – it’s more fun that way, not to mention easier.
• Breathe through your nose.
• Deep-throating is overrated. It’s not cheating to use your hands. In fact, making your hands an extension of your mouth can often mean the difference between out-of-this world oral and out-of-this-universe oral.
• If you’ve got a free hand, rub his surrounding territories: his tummy, inner thighs, perineum and testicles need tender loving care too.
• Make noise: it lets him know you’re having a good time, plus, the vibration can feel nice.
• Gradually get into a groove, a steady up and down rhythm – think of a sewing machine bobbin, only sexier.
• No need to do your best toothless-octogenarian impression, just keep your lips loose and soft, and keep your suction level set to low or off.
• It’s okay to come up for air whenever you need to, just be sure to continue the motion with your hands.
• If you don’t like him thrusting his pelvis or moving your head with his hands, speak up. This should feel good for you too (or at least, not uncomfortable).
• Once he’s on his final lap, fast and steady wins the race!
• What to do when he climaxes is your choice: whether you want to take a drink, use a spittoon, or finish him off with your hands is completely up to you.

This article also appeared on EdenFantasys.com

photo via flickr

Everyone knows it’s polite to open the car door for your date — and we hope that everyone knows it’s a nice touch when women remember to do this, too. But what happens if you live in a city where you’re more likely to take a cab? If you hold the cab door open, your date will be forced to scoot across the entire back seat to make room for you. Not so polite now, huh?

So here’s some taxicab etiquette for you: Open the door, close it behind your date, and then walk around the other side to get in. Note to slow walkers: Impatient taxi drivers and busy city streets may cause you to lose track of your date during this maneuver. In this case, either say “I’ll get in the other side” to avoid any confusion — or simply get in the backseat first and scoot across. (People who don’t read this column may think you’re being rude, of course, so you might want to explain yourself the first time you do this.)

If you’re lucky enough to be treated to some proper taxicab etiquette, it’s a nice gesture to lean over and open your date’s door from the inside. Consider it the urban equivalent of unlocking the driver’s side door after you’ve been helped into the passenger seat.

Need a reason to practice good taxi manners? Because you’re more likely to get lucky once you’re inside the cab if you do. But getting busy has its own code of etiquette, too. We think limiting yourself to some sneaky handwork is the decent thing to do; unless, perhaps, one of you is already lying down resting your head in your partner’s lap.

Make no mistake, the cabbie totally knows what you’re up to. (But isn’t that kind of the point?) For something a little more full-on, consider renting a limo with a privacy screen instead — it’d be just like prom night but without all the teen drama and bad hairdos.

However busy you get, the most important rule of etiquette is this: Tip your driver!

This article was also published in Metro

photo by sidewalk_flying

We’ve all been there: Out on the town, feeling good after a cocktail or five, you don’t want to go home but you can’t stay where you are, and no one has made you any offers you can’t refuse yet. So you fish out your phone to daringly (read: desperately) see if one of your acquaintances might take sexual pity on you. It’s a recipe for disaster. But if you insist on doing it again (and you know you will), follow these rules to ease everyone’s pain:

1. Text, don’t call. Text messages were practically invented for booty calls! Slurring goes unnoticed, grammar is irrelevant, and if they’re not around, you won’t embarrass yourself with a rambling voicemail message.

2. When in doubt, be clever rather than crass. A little cheeky banter, some playful innuendo, a compliment or two to fluff up the ego (among other body parts) will usually work way better than a cheap crotch shot. Well, they’ll work better on ladies, anyway. The XXX pic might work on some guys but you’ll feel better about yourself in the morning if you don’t go there.

3. Be buzzed, not blotto. If you’re too drunk to correctly spell the name of your potential partner, to find your own cellphone, or to perform sexually, then you’re too drunk for a decent booty call.

4. Choose a designated dialer. If you’re in the habit of drunk-dialing the wrong kind of booty call (that ex you can’t get over, your boss, etc.) then hand a good friend your phone at the beginning of the night and give them permission to cut you off — tequila- or text-wise — at any time.

5. Try take-out booty. Staying home and making a sober booty call from your own bed and convincing someone to leave a bar to come service you is a highly underrated act.

6. Don’t engage in booty drive-bys. Stopping by their place at 2 a.m. because you don’t have their number or your phone is dead is generally a terrible idea. We’ll bet you a hundred bucks they’re either fast asleep or entertaining someone else.

7. Be thoughtful with your calls. Before you make a booty call, think about what’s going on with your intended: Do they have a big project they’re preparing for? Do they have to get up early? Are they already asleep? Are they stone cold sober? Do they have family visiting? Did their pet just die? If the answer is yes, you might want to think twice about hitting “send.”

8. Engage in booty, not brunch. When daylight hits, you can test the waters for morning sex (not likely) but don’t push your luck by requesting breakfast (especially not in bed).

photo by John Brawley

If you want to feel like it’s the very first time, then it’s important to keep sex surprising and try new things regularly. You can’t get lazy. So give the following steps a try every now and then. You might feel silly being “experimental,” but the occasional awkward moment is a small price to pay for unexpected pleasure. Worst-case scenario, you’ll crack yourselves up and won’t be able to carry on. Nothing wrong with that — sex should be funny every now and then.

1. Boss each other around in bed. You don’t have to break out the whips and chains to enjoy a little power play in the bedroom. Simply being bossy or being bossed around can be as sexy as handcuffs — and there’s no chafing! Instead of breaking out the rope, flip a coin to decide who has to lie still and hold onto the headboard. And then next time, switch places. Forcing a certain power structure gives you a break from all of the negotiating and stepping around boundaries that is so common in long-term relationships. Those things are great for a steady partnership, but in bed they can get a little dull.

2. Have sex away from the home. You don’t always have to experiment with a new activity to shake things up — simply taking an old favorite on the road can make it feel brand new. But don’t feel like you have to splurge on a week’s vacation at a five-star hotel — the point is not to do it in luxury, but to relocate to a place where long-term couples don’t tend to do it. Pitch a tent in your backyard or, if you live in a four-story walk-up, create a living room fort. Do it in the tiny guest bathroom at a crowded party (just make sure there’s not a long line before attempting that one). Find a friend in need of a house-sitter (just stay off their sheets). Do it in a cab, do it in your car, do it in the shower…With most of these places, it’s physically impossible to do it the same old way you would in bed. But if you’re particularly attached to your own four-poster, then just do it there on your lunch break.

3. Try a “69″ with the woman on top, at least once. Some people find that mutual oral sex takes too much coordination and concentration, so they give it up for good. But 69 is a great way to extend foreplay naturally — and if one of you tends to get revved up faster than the other, then the other partner can tease and take little breaks so that you keep pace with each other. Having the woman on top lets her set the pace — because, in our experience, she’s usually the partner who needs more time. If your bodies just don’t fit together this way — or if you simply want to try something else new — then lie on your sides with your heads at opposite ends and exchange mutual stimulation with your hands instead.

4. Tell yourself or your partner a story during sex. Is there something you always thought you might like, but aren’t quite brave enough to try yet? Is there something that’s sexy in your mind’s eye though you’d never want to actually participate in it? Create the scenario in your head — or for your partner — during sex. And don’t worry, there’s zero evidence suggesting that if you think it or say it out loud, you’re actually going to do it! Fantasies are no-holds-barred. (Which means, by the way, that it’s not cheating on your partner to occasionally think of someone else while you do it.) So pick your favorite fantasy and next time you’re having sex, let your mind — or your mouth — wander there. By the way, if you’re feeling shy about sharing, consider this: saying a fantasy out loud makes it feel extra taboo and therefore hotter — and your partner may even be able to add a few sexy plot twists. Plus, once you’ve made it a joint fantasy, you can shop for accessories! Ever noticed how randy everyone gets at Halloween parties? It’s all about the wigs. In fact, a shared fantasy is one of the best ways to incorporate outfits into your sex life — it gives you a good reason to be dressed like that, and makes you feel less silly.

5. Include a quality sex toy in your budget. Next time you’re about to treat yourself to dinner and a movie, ask yourself if you could make do with a home-cooked meal and a Netflix for the sake of your sex life. A night on the town can easily cost more than a decent sex toy. And we’re not talking about silk teddies. We mean, something that buzzes or constrains or spanks — something to help you discover a new sensation in bed. Oh, and while you’re out shopping, upgrade your condoms: Base your purchases on pleasure as well as function, since they’re not all created equal. Consider size, thinness, material, and shape to get the best fit for your partner and you.

This article also appeared in EdenFantasys’ Sexis

photo via Flickr

Foreplay is not an obligatory two minutes of making out, it’s not purely physical, it’s not a routine that automatically earns you intercourse, it’s not just for women, and it doesn’t always have to be candle-lit (though florescent overhead lights are never seductive). The idea is to free foreplay it’s traditionally narrow definition. Think of it more as seduction; it can take all day, if not days – or it can just take a look. Here are five examples of what foreplay can (and should) be:

1 Slowing down time, cultivating the senses and setting a sex-conducive scene – think music, wine, a bubble bath, Chinese take-out on the best china — and yes, candles.

2 Sharing a kinky secret over dinner (e.g., Did I ever tell you how much it turns me on when … )

3 Giving a gift that makes you both blush.

4 Sending a text message at noon with explicit instructions for that evening (e.g., be home @ 7, b showered & naked on bed & I will [insert your own dirty promise].)

5 Three words: Full. Body. Massage.

A tip about seduction: Making and keeping sex special is not impossible, as long as you make time for seduction and accept that it won’t always come naturally. But just because something takes a bit of effort doesn’t mean it’s out of place in the bedroom. If seduction feels “silly,” then it’s probably because you’re not doing it often enough. In the beginning, you yearn and you’re driven to seduce; later, you seduce so that you can yearn again. At first, you seduce in order to entice someone into your bedroom; later, you seduce to remind that person why he or she is there. You’d be a fool to take someone’s presence in your bed for granted at any time — seduce deliberately and with good intentions, and you’ll show that you don’t.

This article appeared in Metro