photo via flickr

True love and deep intimacy aren’t a guarantee of hot sex. In fact, being in long-term love might be the reason your sex life is dull! After all, it’s hard to get excited when you know all your partner’s moves, when you know they’re not going anywhere, when you know every bad bathroom habit they have. Where’s the danger, the mystery, the suspension of disbelief? So here are five ways to recreate some erotic tension in your relationship without sacrificing all that good love and stability.

1. Find ways to admire each other.
Admiration is something that happens early in a relationship, as you are learning each other’s talents and qualities. And to truly admire someone or something, you usually have to step back a little—imagine trying to appreciate a painting when your nose is an inch from the canvas. So the next time you’re out with friends, take a seat at the opposite end of the table from your partner and sneak glances at the way he or she makes your friends laugh. Break out a board game with friends and get competitive together. Or hit a karaoke bar and admire your partner’s awesome rockstar voice (or just that they don’t care how silly they look).

2. Give each other space.
Encourage your partner to go on boys’/girls’ nights out — and make sure you do the same. Join a book club without your partner, or sign up for a boot camp workout group. Go on a weekend away with your siblings or old college buddies. Sure, we all know that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but time apart has an even more magical effect on your genitals.

3. Get out of your comfort zone in bed.
You probably feel incredibly comfortable in bed with your partner, which is awesome in its own way (yay for reliable orgasms!), but sometimes what you want to feel is a little discomfort. Push each other’s limits in the bedroom so that you’re exploring new territory together — this creates a kind of erotic distance as you discover the way that your partner reacts to something new. For example, try a new kind of toy, share a new kind of fantasy, experiment with roleplaying, experiment with orifices… basically, do something that makes you both a little nervous. Remember, you can stop at any time!

4. Be adrenaline junkies together.
An adrenaline rush feels a lot like desire, both emotionally and physiologically. Getting high (on life) together can have a spill-over effect into your sex life — that brief brush with danger, no matter how manufactured, can increase erotic tension. Speed is the simplest way to get a natural high: Go biking together, go downhill skiing, learn to surf. Or just go out dancing somewhere that plays really loud fast music! Another way to get an adrenaline rush is to conquer a fear — whether that’s giving a toast at a party, acting in a local play, or just riding a rollercoaster together.

5. Learn a new route to each other’s orgasm.
Forget everything you know about your partner’s orgasm and teach yourself a new way to get them to their happy place. It may be frustrating initially, but the rewards are fantastic! So if you always rely on a certain position or hand technique or toy to push you over the edge, try anything but that one thing. It’s kind of like that game Taboo, except instead of avoiding certain words, you’re avoiding favorite sexual habits.

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:

• Do Men Want Less Sex As a Relationship Progresses?
• 7 Ways to Turn Yourself On
• What If Her Libido Is Higher Than His?
• How Can She Get Into Sex Again?

This article originally appeared on ArchetypeMe.com

The Oden 2 by LELO

The following is from our very own naughty dictionary, 150 SHADES OF PLAY: A Beginner’s Guide to Kink. Bolded words signify individual entries that appear elsewhere in the A-to-Z section of the book. Anything with a tie icon  indicates an activity or prop mentioned in the Fifty Shades series (symbolic of the famous woven tie Christian Grey uses to restrain Anastasia Steele). The idea being: look up something you’re interested in and, from there, make it a choose-your-own-adventure book by following any bolded words that pique your interest to their own dedicated entry. Or just start at A and don’t stop ‘til you get to Z — or ‘til you’re compelled to try something out with your partner, whichever comes first!:

L

love rings

A kinder, gentler cock ring intended for couples, often made of soft, giving material (ideally body-safe silicone) with a protrusion (usually one that vibrates) at the top of the ring which lines up with a woman’s clitoris when the man wears it during heterosexual intercourse. Perfect for newbies who may find the leather or metal jobbies a little too hardcore for their tastes. Depending on the model, the stretchy ring will either fit around his penis and behind his balls so that they all sit in front of the accessory, or it will just fit around the base of his shaft, like a little belt. Their intended effect is harder, longer-lasting, and more sensitive erections. Of course, penises are as unique as snowflakes, like Grandma always said, so some men will find that the ring really affects their sensitivity, causing them to climax even sooner, thus overriding the longer-lasting benefit. Others won’t notice much difference at all—but, still, it’s always nice to accessorize. LELO has some tasteful (and waterproof!) rechargeable couples rings: the Tor 2 and the Oden 2 (pictured on the back cover of this book). These sensual rings don’t require the kind of safety reviews the more pain-inducing instruments do, but it wouldn’t hurt you (no pun intended) to read the rules outlined in the cock rings and cock and ball torture entries anyway.

For more on vibrators, BDSM, and other kinky endeavors, pick up a copy 150 SHADES OF PLAY, on sale now at Amazon!

Improving your sex life isn’t always about switching positions or adding more lube (though those things can help, too). Here are ten everyday things you can do to improve your sex life.

1. Get a good night’s sleep.
When you’re tired or stressed you feel unsexy and irritable. And have you ever noticed how, after a bad night’s sleep, you’re always disappointed by your reflection in the mirror? Bad body image leads to bad or no sex. Plus, tired people tend to choose more sleep over sex. On the other hand, well-rested people have more energy and feel more positive toward the people around them. And yes, by “more positive” we mean “can’t wait to jump their bones.”

2. Go to the gym.
Endorphins and improved blood flow from exercise mimic sexual desire, which sneakily puts you in the mood. The improved body image you’ll experience after a work-out doesn’t hurt either.

3. Get an STD checkup.
Because knowledge is power and power is sexy and knowing about your own body is the sexiest power there is. It’s just good to know, people.

4. Eat Grape Nuts for breakfast.
Or any high-fiber cereal, really. Fiber keeps everything clean and healthy down there, which means you’l be more comfortable having all your various orifices explored.

5. Get a mani-pedi.
Or a massage or a haircut or anything involving a stranger touching you kinda sensually but not sexually. It’s all about waking up your nerve endings, a.k.a. foreplay, baby!

6. Go on a date to a karaoke bar.
Intimacy in a long-term relationship is great, but it’s easy to take those long-term partners for granted. One way to create a little erotic distance — so you can step by and admire your partner — is to pretend you’re each other’s groupies. Hit me with your best shot!

7. Practice yoga.
Here are five good reasons why yoga improves your sex life. (And no, it has nothing to do with increased flexibility or public orgasms during class.)

8. Ride a rollercoaster.
An adrenaline rush feels an awful lot like getting turned on, physiologically speaking, and there is a natural spill-over effect. Especially if you hold hands during the scary parts! (Horror movies are a slightly more convenient way to achieve the same effect.)

9. Keep a gratitude journal.
At the end of each day, write down three things you are grateful for, no matter how trivial (e.g. an exciting Bachelor finale). You’ll probably be pleasantly surprised by (a) how much you have to be happy about, and (b) how this feeling trickles through to your love life.

10. Shower (or take a bath) at night.
After a long day at the office, it can feel like it’s in your pores — the way your cubicle smells, the body odor of strangers on the bus, the greasy sandwich you ate at lunch. Hop in the shower for five minutes and you’ll feel literally refreshed as well as mentally more open to getting naked. As a bonus, a lazy bath can have sensual effect on your nerve endings as a massage or a mani-pedi (see #5).

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:

• The REAL Reasons Why Yoga Improves Your Sex Life
• 5 Ways That Getting Kinky Can Improve Your Relationship
• 5 Ways to Practice Mindfulness in the Bedroom

Sensua Suede Whip by Lelo

The following is from our very own naughty dictionary, 150 SHADES OF PLAY: A Beginner’s Guide to Kink. Bolded words signify individual entries that appear elsewhere in the A-to-Z section of the book. Anything with a tie icon  indicates an activity or prop mentioned in the Fifty Shades series (symbolic of the famous woven tie Christian Grey uses to restrain Anastasia Steele). The idea being: look up something you’re interested in and, from there, make it a choose-your-own-adventure book by following any bolded words that pique your interest to their own dedicated entry. Or just start at A and don’t stop ‘til you get to Z—or ‘til you’re compelled to try something out with your partner, whichever comes first!:

F

floggers

The pom pom of the BDSM world. (“Give me a W! Give me an H! Give me an I! Give me a P!”) A popular flagellation tool, a flogger consists of a fairly stout handle and several “tails” of equal length (from one- to three-feet long) made of leather, suede, nylon, pleather, rubber, or even ribbon. Depending on the number of tails, their length, their material, and whether they have knots or beads at their ends, the sensation a flogger provides can be anywhere from soft to holy-fucking-shit.

Beginners should go with a well-made, small, light-impact flogger: they’ll evoke more giggles than actual cries of pain. Avoid heavy-leather, braided, beaded, or knotted tails in the beginning. As with most BDSM equipment, you don’t want to scrimp: A cheaply made flogger won’t be balanced correctly (making it harder and heavier to wield), its tails won’t land in the same spot (what you want), and/or the edges of the tails will be sharp (what you don’t want). Try companies that specialize in making floggers, like Bare Leatherworks—with their Midsize Cowhide Flogger, the handle feels great, you can give your partner a good whack without it hurting them, and it makes your victim’s butt jiggle, too! For the kind of posh flogger you might find in the Red Room of Pain, there’s LELO’s Sensua Suede Whip (available also in red!).

To make sure you’ve got good aim, practice on inanimate objects first. Work on your different strokes: twirling, backhand, infinity symbol. Don’t graduate to animate objects—that have of course given you their consent—until you’ve got the eye and aim of a national darts champion. The ends of the tails should be hitting only the safe zones: lower buttocks, thighs, and upper back (not the spine or neck!). As a beginner, it’s a good idea to protect areas you don’t want to hit with clothing, a towel, blanket, or pillow, just in case you accidentally let the tails “wrap” around the body beyond these safe zones—the epitome of poor form. (Another good reason to have your bottom lying down if you’re a beginner.)

See flagellation for more important safety info. A.k.a. cats. Mini-floggers for genitorture are called flails, pussywhips (ha!), or ballwhips.

For more on other kinky endeavors and accoutrements for newbies, pick up a copy 150 SHADES OF PLAY, on sale now at Amazon!

photo via Flickr

Sometimes it’s easier to impart sexual technique by focusing on what NOT to do — especially when it comes to something as variable as kissing, where there are so many different styles, techniques and preferences that many people enjoy. So by focusing on the negative — the 20 things almost all people DON’T enjoy — we hope to help you osculate with style.

Whatever you do, DO NOT…

1 … have bad breath or unclean teeth — it’s the equivalent of hooking up in underwear with skid marks.

2 … lick your lips before going in — this is not dinner.

3 … drown your lips in gloss or lipstick.

4 … tongue jab.

5 … have chapped lips.

6 … aim for their uvula with your tongue.

7 … slobber all over your partner’s face — spit is cold and nasty when it gets outside your mouth.

8 … make your tongue hard and pointy.

9 … head straight for the boobs, the ass or the crotch as soon as the kissing commences.

10 … immediately ram your tongue inside.

11 … open your mouth as wide as possible, like you’re attempting to eat the other person’s head.

12 … kiss with a cold sore (i.e. oral herpes).

13 … fail to mention that you have oral herpes, even if you’re currently asymptomatic, as there’s still always a chance — albeit slight — of transmission.

14 … run your tongue along their gums.

15 … sneak up on someone so they don’t have a chance to deflect the incoming kiss.

16 … hold their head in a headlock or press too hard, especially if beard stubble is involved.

17 … withhold tongue altogether.

18 … conduct the oral equivalent of a limp handshake — it’ll make your partner feel like they’re kissing a dead fish.

19 … look around or over your partner’s shoulder during the kiss. (Some people like to kiss with their eyes open, but we recommend keeping your peepers shuttered during a first or early kiss, as wide eyes can freak some people out.)

20 … kiss with gum or food in your mouth.

MORE LIKE THIS FROM EMandLO.com:

• Dear Em & Lo: My Boyfriend Hates Kissing
• Dear Dr. Kate: When Should I Tell a Partner About Oral Herpes?
• The Great Movie Kiss Off: The Notebook vs. Brokeback Mountain

photo via flickr

Last week a reader named Candi posted the following comment about her sexual insecurities in response to our article “10 Reasons Your ‘Ugly Vagina’ Is Normal and Gorgeous”:

I’m so glad to find this site, but I’m still a bit insecure when it comes to my vulva. Reading through all these comments about long and short inner labia make me feel even more of a freak, because one side of my inner labia is short and pink while the other is long and dark. It’s so uneven. Thank goodness I married a man who loves me for me (stretch marks and all), though we still make love with the lights out per my request.

Which made us think four things:

1. This woman has an awesome husband.
2. This woman needs a hug.
3. This woman has no idea how normal she is — uneven labia with mismatched colors are incredibly common.
4. This woman is missing out by never leaving the lights on.

We would tell her all this, except we kind of already did, in our original article that she responded to. What we think she needs instead is to hear all of this from you, kind and wise readers. We figure, the more people who tell this woman that she is normal and has nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed of, the better she’s going to feel in bed.

Will you do it? We know you’re up to the challenge! Leave your advice on why and how she should have sex with the lights on in the comments section below.

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:

• The REAL Reasons Why Yoga Improves Your Sex Life
• All the Responses to Our Labia Article Ever
• If Only EVERYONE Could Feel this Good Naked with the Lights On

Our contributor Jewely Hoxie studies Human Sexuality at the University of California Santa Cruz (read her blog here). She has some words of wisdom to share about oral sex…

Going down on someone is no easy task. And letting someone go down on you can be quite nerve-racking. Despite these potential oral sex setbacks, the experience can be awesome. Both partners deserve to enjoy the journey down south. Rather than focusing solely on techniques to please the receiver, I’m going to share some secret tips that will benefit both partners — how to improve your overall experience without having to change those special techniques that already work for you and your partner.

1. Educate Yourself

Know what the clitoris is, know what the perineum is, and know all your partner’s favorite spots. Without this knowledge, I don’t know how you’ve been going down on someone all these years. For reference: buy Em & Lo’s Sex: How To Do Everything.

2. Don’t Change What’s Already Good

We all know that moment when your partner is at the sweet spot going down on you with just the right rhythm and you have an overwhelming urge to vocally express your gratitude — but somehow that translates to faster, harder, etc. No, just no. If you’re the one going down, accept the praise and keep doing what you’re doing — don’t make your partner wish they never said anything.

3. Be Clean

This really should be common courtesy, but just as a friendly reminder: please wash your bodies and mouths thoroughly. Facial trimming helps prevent that rough sandpaper feeling against your partner’s sensitive parts. Trimming further down will make a clearer pathway — and remember, the less hair there is, the more skin there is to be touched! (That said, however, some people like playing with a little hair/having a little hair played with down there.)

4. Warn Them

A little warning before you ejaculate can build up excitement for the giver and more importantly, ease any anxiety about not knowing if you’re going to end up with sticky hair or running to spit in the sink.

5. Stock Up on Bedside Essentials

Like I said before, oral sex is no easy task. Luckily, there are a few tools I use to make my job a little easier.

• Lubrication. I can’t say enough about how important lube is to our sex lives. Whether you’re feeling a little dry, you want to add some flavor, or you want to extend teasing foreplay, lube is your best friend. (See also My Top 6 Reasons to Love Lube and My Top 6 Favorite Lubes.)
• Hair ties. For those of us with long locks, having a couple hair ties close by will keep your hair of out of your eyes and can also give your partner a better view of the show.
• Tissues. Or wipes, for all around post-show clean-up.
• A glass of water. For the inevitable dehydration/mouth drying.
• Toys. Because a little helping hand never hurt anyone. A small vibrator for teasing, a cock ring, prostate massager, butt plug, nipple clamps, stimulating gel, mix and match, etc. Many things contribute to a good sex life, and creativity is one of them. Get inventive!

6. Try New Positions and Locations

Sure, a new tongue technique is fun to bust out, but sometimes you know what you like, and what you like works. When we masturbate we often engage in the same artistry that works best for us. Despite this seemingly monotonous routine, I still absolutely love every orgasm I have. So, instead of changing techniques for some novelty, change the position or location. Maybe do that move she loves, but while she’s on her side instead of her back. Go in an elevator, don’t press any buttons, and see how long you can go down on him before it starts moving again. Keep it interesting for both of you by switching up the routine.

7. Use Your Hands

There’s a reason Rabbit-style vibrators are the most popular toys for women — dual stimulation is where it’s at. Suck on her clitoris while you finger her. Give your partner’s tush a squeeze. And give yourself a helping hand if you don’t want to risk a deep throating gag reflex.

8. Mix in Masturbation

Be careful with this one. It can backfire if touching yourself while you are going down on your partner gets a little too distracting. However, masturbating can also get you more in the mood to please your partner, and those little moans you make can definitely be a turn on for the receiver.

9. Talk It Out

If you are familiar at all with Em & Lo’s advice, then you’ve probably heard enough about the importance of communication. And I’m here to tell you that you can never hear that enough. Pushing yourself to fully and honestly communicate with your partner is an ongoing practice in relationships. And it doesn’t stop in the bedroom.

• Show your partner enthusiasm! The only time I don’t like going down on someone is when there is no indication of their enjoyment. What’s the point then? Show them how much you enjoy that twisting tongue, and you might wake up to your partner begging to go down on you. Flattery can get you anywhere, amiright?
• Talk dirty. It’s great for a libido boost, an ego boost, and a hot way to tell your partner what is it you are really enjoying. Note: A critical, in depth analysis during sexy time of what they are doing wrong for you is not the biggest turn on.
• Debrief afterwards. This is (embarrassing/geekily) one of my favorite parts about getting it on. This makes for a nice time to share what you really liked, to compliment, and to critique. If you weren’t super into something that your partner did, they deserve to know. This is really about learning how to have the best sex you can with one another. Everyone likes something different.

10. Remember the Golden Rule!

As mentioned above, thank your partner in all all the appropriately dirty ways you see fit. If you are tired after that mind-exploding orgasm they just gave you, don’t sweat it — but ensure that next time, it’s all about them.

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:

• How Do You Give Your Partner Advice About Oral?
• How I Learned to Enjoy Giving Blowjobs
• On Average, How Often Do Blowjobs Occur in Relationships?

photo via flickr

Driver’s licenses expire. Professional licenses expire. Even dog licenses expire. But marriage licenses are for life! On the one hand, this is kind of the whole point of marriage, right? That you can’t just walk away from each other, that you are committed, even when things get tough, even when your kids are keeping you up all night, even when you’ve been so busy at work that you’ve taken each other for granted for months at a time, even when you’ve aged beyond all recognition since the day you met and fell in love. There’s a comfort to knowing that you don’t have to decide to stay together: You are together. Period.

But on the other hand… Would we be less likely to take each other for granted if we did have to decide to stay together? We’re not talking annual renewal, a la Heidi Klum and Seal (because look how well that worked out for them), but rather every seven years. (Did you know that human cells renew every seven years? So you are quite literally a different person by this point!) Every seven years you’d have to ask your partner all over again, “Will you be mine, to have and to hold, for another seven years?” Imagine how awesome it would feel, seven years into your marriage, to learn that your partner says yes all over again.

And if your partner decided not to re-up the contract? Well, maybe you just dodged a bullet. Would that really be so much worse than staying in a so-so marriage for the rest of your life just because you said you would?

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:

• My Husband Isn’t Interested in Sex with Me
• Why Can’t You Decide About Kids AFTER You Marry?
• 10 Reasons Why the First Marriage Rocks Our World
• I Love My Husband But Not Our Sex Life

photo via Flickr

Still single, ladies? Well you can kiss your cat-lady status goodbye! Follow these five simple dating tips and you’ll never be alone again! Because a douchey guy is better than no guy at all. Amen to that!

We answered a reader’s advice question on small penises almost four years ago and it’s still the most popular article on our site! 591 comments and counting! We can’t tell you how much letters we get from guys asking how they can safely increase the size of their penis. So we shouldn’t have been too surprised when Cosmopolitan magazine recently asked for our input on a post about jelquing (though, for the record, we don’t really think they should have actually included instructions for an activity that can’t help and can definitely hurt).

We were quoted only briefly in the Cosmo article, so we thought we’d post for you a few of our extended thoughts on the subject of penises, great and small.

Penis Enlargement Surgery

Penis enlargement surgery is the only way to get a bigger boat, permanently. But this usually just increases the flaccid length and width, and that’s generally not the point, right? Also, it’s surgery. On his penis. It’s expensive, it’s dangerous, and it doesn’t improve sex. Don’t do it!

RELATED: What’s the Deal With Men and Their Penises?

Jelquing

Jelquing is one of the many, many, many techniques or products claiming to increase penis size that has gained widespread interest thanks to the internet — and, in particular, thanks to spammers! The short story is: It doesn’t work. More importantly, it could do some serious damage to a man’s number one guy. Here’s a good rule of thumb: If someone tells you something will increase penis size, they’re lying. Let’s say that one more time, shall we? If someone tells you something will increase penis size, they’re lying. 

Penis Pumps

Sure, penis pumps can temporarily increase penis size — because they give the guy an erection, duh. And some guys do report that a penis-pumped erection is a little more impressive than a regular one — that’s because the pump literally forces blood into the penis. But after using the pump, it can be harder to ejaculate. Also, pumps can cause bruising (yowza!).

Kegels!

Here’s the good news — something that actually can improve the strength of a dude’s erection: kegel exercises! Seriously, they’re not just for the ladies. Check out our how-go guide for kegels for dudes.

Put Down the “Penis Enlargement Cream” and Get in Shape, Dude

In general, good cardiovascular health will improve a guy’s erection, because they’re both about good bloodflow.

RELATED: Why Don’t I Stand at Attention Anymore?

Put a Ring On It

Some guys find that their erections are a little more impressive when they wear a love ring (a.k.a. cock ring). But you’ve got to be safe when using this kind of ring! No solid metal rings — make sure the ring is something that can be easily removed, e.g. a stretchy silicone ring or a velcro ring. We’re big fans of couples’ rings like the Tor 2 by Lelo, which offers a little vibrating action for the woman, too.

RELATED: Is a Saucy Love Ring a Good Gift for a Dude?

People for the Ethical Treatment of Penises,

Em & Lo

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• Comment: Small Sexy Bit Are Loveable!
• Comment: It’s the Little Things!
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