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The 5 Stages of Sexual Grief

May 15, 2014

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photo via Flickr

Making huge stupid mistakes in bed — we’re talking, like, of epic proportions — is a universal experience. People from all walks of life do dumb things they regret in the morning — it’s an inevitable part of life and love. But while there is no right way to mourn your sexual indiscretions, please know that one thing is certain: as long as you have a support network of good friends who have short attention spans, private access to reliable erotica, and the ability to move to a new city, you will get through this.

1. Denial and Isolation

The first reaction of a terrible sexual experience is to deny the reality of the situation. “It only seemed like I lasted 30 seconds because it was such good sex, surely it was longer.” Or: “There’s no way my boss will figure out I masturbated in her office. Now where did I put those monogrammed panties?” Or: “There was so much moaning going on, there’s no way she heard me call her ‘mommy.’” It is a normal defense mechanism that eases the bad blow (job). Rest assured, this is a temporary response that gets you through the first wave of humiliation, embarrassment and/or regret.

 

2. Anger

You can only lie to yourself for so long; eventually reality must dawn on you. But when it does, you still probably won’t be ready to wake up. Rather than emotionally processing the¬†humiliation, embarrassment and/or regret, you deflect it and express it as anger:

  • Your mother is to blame for your inability to get naked without crying…
  • The angle of your boyfriend’s stupid penis is what caused you to queef, which in turn made you try to blame it on the cat…
  • It’s your roommate’s fault that he found you naked with the dog and a jar of peanut butter because he’s the one who insisted on getting a pet in the first place!

You may lash out at these people, or at total strangers…strangers who happen to be making out on your bus home from a long, shitty day at work…throwing the fact of their healthy sex life in your face…until you throw the wadded-up wrapper from your tasteless Big Mac at them while running off the bus at your stop, screaming “GET A ROOM!!!” Or you might take out your frustrations on inanimate objects, like violently shoving your Magic Wand down the garbage disposal.

 

3. Bargaining

The normal reaction to feelings of sexual inadequacy, ignorance or stupidity is often a need to regain control:

  • If only I hadn’t drunk dialed him that fifth time the other night‚Ķ
  • If only I had deleted my browser history‚Ķ
  • If only I had worn a condom that last time (never mind all the other times I somehow skated by without them)‚Ķ
  • If only I hadn’t used a dick slap as my opening move…

Secretly, you might try to make a deal with some higher power — God, your spouse, your Internet service provider — in an attempt undue what’s already been done. Sorry, sucker: it ain’t gonna happen.

 

4. Depression

This is when it really hits home: you realize how royally you fucked up with the fucking. And it makes you want to lock the front door, turn off your phone, and curl up in a ball with a pint of Ben & Jerry’s and a Tori Spelling marathon on Lifetime. Go ahead and do it, because, let’s face it, you really shouldn’t be showing your face in public right now. But don’t worry, Pookie, it won’t always be this bad (see number 5 below).

 

5. Acceptance

Most people with at least an ounce of self-awareness will eventually come to accept the fact that they did something sexually stupid, the world didn’t end, and they were able to emerge from their Lifetime cocoon (fairly) unscathed. Acceptance will come quicker if you proactively try to learn from your mistakes and vow to never commit them again: we’re talking to you, bare-backer / never-called-backer / porn-liar / point-and-giggler / best-friend’s-partner-fucker. If you need help fully achieving this stage, write to us for advice — our tough love can be quite soul cleansing.

 

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5 Reasons to Wear Lingerie (Especially If You’re Not the Type)

May 2, 2014

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LELO’s Halter Camisole (on sale now for half off)

We are not ones to put more undue pressure on women (or men for that matter, though they could use some more time in high heels) to live up to some unrealistic ideal of style and beauty. If you’re comfortable in an old worn oversized cotton t-shirt, awesome! But if good sex is often about trying new things, pushing your boundaries, breaking taboos, making yourself blush, and avoiding habits and ruts, then switching things up every once in a while in the bedroom is essential. And dressing up for sex is a simple and easy way to do just that.

  1. Fantasy: Why do we watch big Hollywood blockbusters and read epic novels? Why do we watch porn and read erotica? To temporarily escape to other worlds that are more dramatic, more exciting, and sexier! Why do we dress up for Halloween? So we can pretend we’re someone we’re not for an evening. Lingerie and sexy sleepware can work the same way, especially if wearing it is not something you normally do.¬†It’s the mildest, least embarrassing form of roleplaying there is.
  2. Modesty: Yes, you read that right. If you tend to be a little shy when it comes to being naked, or are insecure about a part of your body (even though you shouldn’t be!), then lingerie can actually embolden you by giving you a bit of cover or support. Remember, a lot of sexy stuff can happen without the lingerie ever coming off.
  3. Generosity: It’s nice to be a giving lover, to think about what your partner would enjoy and then give it to them (even if it’s not your number one favorite thing to do). We’re not saying you should ever do anything you don’t want to do, but something you think is merely silly might be the ultimate in sexy to your partner. Would it be so bad to make their day in that way every once in a while? And we’re not just talking to the ladies. A nice pair of boxer briefs instead of those baggy boxers (or whatever Ryan Gosling wears to bed)¬†might be a nice change of pace.
  4. Confidence: Like any piece of clothing, if you find something that fits well, isflattering, feels good against your skin and thus makes you feel good, you’ll have more confidence in bed. And when you have more confidence in bed, you have a better time in bed — and so does your partner.
  5. Ceremony: By dressing up for sex, even if it’s just on special occasions, you honor the sex as a sacred event. You’re a goddess (or god) who deserves to be worshipped, body and soul. What you’re sharing is important and meaningful. By wearing something nice, you’re expressing your respect for the union at hand.

Check out LELO’s Sussurra Collection of¬†silk intimate apparel, including exquisite¬†kimono robes, delicate¬†silk baby-dolls¬†and even a¬†French Maid Set. Everything in the collection is 50% off now!¬†

 



10 Things That Feel Better Than Getting Revenge On An Ex

April 29, 2014

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The new movie The Other Woman, starring Cameron Diaz, Leslie Mann, and Kate Upton, features three women who join forces to get revenge on the guy who, it turns out, was sleeping with all three of them (and married to one of them). But while creative, collaborative revenge on an ex makes for catchy movie taglines — “The oddest friends are about to get even” — and meme-a-rific blog posts, it rarely feels as good in real life. Why? Because revenge keeps the focus clearly on your asshole ex. No matter how humiliating the situation, you are continuing to make him or her the star of your show.

The best kind of revenge is the kind that has nothing to do with your ex, and everything to do with you. Sure, if your ex happens to witness any of these acts of transformation, you will feel a sense of sweet justice, but that’s not your primary motivation. The whole point of these acts is to erase your ex from the picture and make you the star of your own life once again. Because, trust us, taking the high road in any one of these ten ways can feel just as good as selling your ex’s prized Mercedes or closet of Louboutins for a dollar at a tag sale:

1. Getting a Breakover

Nothing is more motivating on the treadmill than the revenge of looking hotter than ever post-breakup. Work out, eat right, learn how to lift weights, take up hot yoga, pluck your nose hair, do a hundred sit-ups before every shower… by the time you’ve done all this, you’ll have forgotten who you were trying to get revenge on in the first place. Hint: Listening to the Flashdance soundtrack may help.

2. Being a Better Person

Volunteer somewhere. Because nothing puts your own problems in perspective like helping out people who are even less fortunate than you are. You know, people who fought for their country and ended up in a wheelchair; people who are dying in a nursing home with no one to visit them; kids who have nowhere to go after school; people who can’t get a date to the soup kitchen. We won’t be so crass as to suggest you might meet someone new this way, but we know it crossed your mind. We won’t tell.

3. Getting Busy

Start a blog, take up a new hobby (preferably one where you‚Äôll meet new people, like joining a running club), read a Russian novel, write a Great American Novel, paint your room, learn how to take really good photographs, sort out your closet and host a clothing swap, learn chess with a friend, teach yourself Mandarin‚ÄĒbasically, keep yourself busy with something that will make you feel good about yourself afterwards. (Meaning, watching¬†Friends re-runs¬†doesn‚Äôt count.)

4. Buying a New Sex Toy

Splurge on a high-end sex toy for you or your next partner and put the sex you had with your ex to shame.

5. Cutting the Cord

Disconnect with your ex on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and any other ways you continue to be weirdly “social” with each other. Maybe one day you can be friends again, but for now, if you’re even considering creative forms of revenge, going cold turkey is your best bet. Trust us, a complete lack of information about your new life will be more frustrating to your ex than a hundred pictures proving how “happy” you now are and how quickly you’ve “moved on.”

6. Getting Rich

This is a metaphor, people. Sure, you could buy a lottery ticket or sell your pristine collection of vintage action dolls on eBay. But what we really mean is, be successful. Finally get your own dance-studio business off the ground. Go for that promotion. Insist on a raise. Revamp your resume. All that creative energy you were thinking of applying toward a meme-a-rific revenge strategy? Apply it to your career, instead. Think: What Would Beyoncé Do? (W.W.B.D.)

7. Reading a Saucy Sex Manual

The best sex of your life is yet to come! Don’t just mutter this like a mantra, though, or tape the saying to your bathroom mirror to help dry your tears in the morning: Instead, actually make it happen by learning a few new tricks and tips to apply to your next relationship.

8. Marking the Occasion

We get that you want to mark this occasion — you want to do something to prove to the world that you’ve moved on. But your ex shouldn’t be invited to this party! And that’s exactly what you’re doing when you try to mark the occasion with revenge. Moving on should be all about you. So get a tattoo, whether permanent or henna. Have a breakup party with all your friends. Get a new haircut or hair color. Change up your style. Create a new email sig file. Whatever works for you!

9. Having a Rebound Fling

Never underestimate the benefits of distracting yourself with the joys of being single so that you won‚Äôt be tempted to indulge in any late-night revenge-planning. Try masturbation, online dating (if only to get a few nice emails from strangers in your inbox), or flirting therapy (it‚Äôs like smiling ‚ÄĒ forcing yourself to do it will make you feel better). You don‚Äôt even need to have actual rebound sex with someone, though a rebound make-out sesh may just make you feel happier than a room without a roof.

10. Telling Us All About It

We’re guessing your friends, family, and distant acquaintances are all sick of hearing you talk about what went wrong in your relationship by now. So why not tell us instead? We’re putting together a collection of stories about failed relationships, and we’d love to hear yours! You can send it to us here, via our contact form.¬†Think of it as¬†a chance to put it all down for posterity, or to help others avoid the same pitfalls. Or, if you prefer, think of it simply as venting to two complete strangers who promise to take your side.

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What the Pets In Your Online Dating Photo Mean

April 22, 2014

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Scientific research about whether you should include a pet in your online dating profile pic is, not surprisingly, rather flimsy. So we decided to put together our own report on featuring pets. The following guide explains the message conveyed by different kinds of pet in your online dating pic. Depending on the image you want to present, consider posing with your pet, cropping your pet from the pic, or borrowing a pet from a friend.

 

Man with Dog (Regular Size)

“I’m rugged and manly but can be tender and caring with the right woman. Every woman except the right woman, however, comes second to my dog.”

 

Man with Dog (Miniature)

“I like pink shirts, skincare products, and cunnilingus. And yes, I’m perfectly secure in my manhood, thanks.”

 

Woman with Dog (Regular Size)

“I take five minutes to get ready in the morning and I’ll never order a salad (dressing on the side) when we go out to eat. And no players, please: The only games I like are those I play with my dog.”

 

Woman with Dog (Miniature)

“I take more than an hour to get ready in the morning and I’ll order a salad (dressing on the side) even when you insist the restaurant serves the best steak in town. Also: be prepared for mind games.”

 

Man with Cat

“I honestly don’t give a shit what you think about my cat. Also, go ahead and bring your vibrator to bed — it’s all good. I’ll probably write a poem about it, if that’s cool with you.”

 

Woman with Cat

“My bed is strewn with my stuffed animal collection. And, ew, please don’t put your finger there. Like, gross!”

 

Man with Horse

“I’m rich as fuck.”

 

Woman with Horse

“Are you rich enough to be my man?”

 

Man with Rabbit

“I love to spoon. No, seriously, I love to spoon.”

 

Woman with Rabbit

“Will you hold me?”

 

Man with Bird

“I’m a control freak with a jealous streak.”

 

Woman with Bird

“I don’t like to make noise in bed. Would you please keep it down?”

 

Man with Snake

“I have an enormous penis.”

 

Woman with Snake

“I like kinky sex and big penises.”

 

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Top 10 Relationship Tips from the IRS

April 15, 2014

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photo via Flickr

We’ve taken this year’s Top 10 Tax Time Tips from the IRS and tweaked them for your dating life (the original document is at the bottom of this post). Because sex is valuable, and money is pretty sexy. ¬†Plus, the IRS likes to refer to itself in the third person, just like we do!

  • Gather your records.¬†¬†Collect all¬†the evidence from your previous relationships.¬†This includes photos, love letters, and sex toys. Store them in a safe place, one that any new partners will never, ever find.
  • Report your health status.¬†¬†You will need to¬†report your sexual health status¬†from all of your previous relationships¬†when you start a new relationship. This includes the results from the last time you got checked for STIs, if ever. Remember, April isn’t only tax time, it’s National STI Awareness Month.
  • Get answers.¬†¬†Use¬†your best communication tools¬†to get answers from a new partner about income, future goals, sexual health,¬†bathroom habits,¬†and family baggage.
  • Weigh your dating options. ¬†You have several options for dating. You can venture out on your own or get professional help from an online dating site¬†or a matchmaker. You may be eligible for free, face-to-face help from friends you respect who have a good dating record and won’t blow smoke up¬†your ass. Weigh your options and choose the ones that work best for you.
  • Consider online dating (seriously).¬†¬†Electronic dating¬†is one of the best ways to meet someone new. It‚Äôs quick, easy and relatively safe (if you’re smart about the way you use the system). Last year, more than 5 million people used¬†online personals. If you own a computer, you have the option of avoiding the dating scene in depressing, overcrowded sports bars.
  • Use Em & Lo’s Private Advice Service. ¬†You can have your online dating profile maximized for a small fee using our Private Advice Service, available exclusively on EMandLO.com. If you’re unsure about the quality of your personal or have trouble expressing yourself in words, you¬†qualify to get our best, most honest advice. If you‚Äôre comfortable airing your dirty laundry, you can submit a draft of your online personal ad — or any love-related advice question you might have — to our public forum, where we may answer it online or ask our readers to give their own suggestions in a column called “Your Call.” Visit EMandLO.com to check all your options.
  • Be direct.¬†¬†Combining honesty¬†with straightforwardness¬†is the fastest and safest way to get a new compatible partner.
  • Visit EMandLO.com 24/7.¬†¬†Our site is a great place to get everything you need for a satisfying love and sex life. Visit “Advice”¬†for how to’s,¬†tips on technique, answers to frequently asked sex questions, and contact forms to submit your own questions. Get them all anytime, day or night.
  • Check out “SEX“.¬†¬†Our second to last book,¬†”SEX: How to Do Everything“,¬†is a complete sex resource. It contains helpful information such as whether¬†you need find the G-spot and how to choose your favorite positions.
  • Review your own merits as a partner.¬†¬†Mistakes¬†made by you¬†slow down the receipt of true love. Be sure to check all your own shortcomings and psychological issues, as it takes two to tango. If you run into a problem, remember Em & Lo are here to help. Start with EMandLO.com.

Good luck with your taxes and your love life!

 

The above was inspired by the Top 10 Tax Time Tips from the IRS:

  • Gather your records.¬†¬†Collect all¬†tax records¬†you need to file your taxes. This includes receipts, canceled checks and records that support income, deductions or tax credits that you claim on your tax return. Store them in a safe place.
  • Report all your income.¬†¬†You will need to¬†report your income¬†from all of your Forms W-2, Wage and Tax Statements, and Form 1099 income statements when you file your tax return.
  • Get answers.¬†¬†Use the¬†Interactive Tax Assistant tool¬†on the IRS website to get answers to many of your questions about tax credits, deductions and many more topics.
  • Use Free File.¬†¬†You can prepare and e-file a tax return for free using IRS Free File, available exclusively on IRS.gov. If your income was $58,000 or less, you qualify to use free tax software. If your income was higher, or if you‚Äôre comfortable doing your own tax return, you can use Free File Fillable Forms, the electronic version of IRS paper forms. Visit¬†IRS.gov/freefile¬†to check your options.
  • Try IRS e-file.¬†¬†Electronic filing¬†is the best way to file a tax return. It‚Äôs accurate, safe and easy. Last year, more than 122 million taxpayers used IRS e-file. If you owe taxes, you have the option to file early and pay by April 15.
  • Weigh your filing options.¬†¬†You have several options for filing your tax return. You can prepare it yourself or go to a tax preparer. You may be eligible for free, face-to-face help at a¬†Volunteer Income Tax Assistance or Tax Counseling for the Elderly¬†site. Weigh your options and choose the one that works best for you.
  • Use direct deposit.¬†¬†Combining e-file with¬†direct deposit¬†is the fastest and safest way to get your tax refund.
  • Visit the IRS website 24/7.¬†¬†IRS.gov is a great place to get everything you need to file your tax return. Visit ‚Äė1040 Central‚Äô for online tools, filing tips, answers to frequently asked questions and IRS forms and publications. Get them all anytime, day or night.
  • Check out number 17.¬†¬†IRS¬†Publication 17, Your Federal Income Tax, is a complete tax resource. It contains helpful information such as whether you need to file a tax return and how to choose your filing status.
  • Review your return.¬†¬†Mistakes¬†slow down the receipt of your tax refund. Be sure to check all Social Security numbers and math calculations on your return, as these are the most common errors. If you run into a problem, remember the IRS is here to help. Start with IRS.gov.

 



That Pesky C-Word

March 20, 2014

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‚ÄúThe ultimate sexist put-down: the prick which lies down on the job. The ultimate weapon in the war between the sexes: the limp prick. The banner of the enemy’s encampment: the prick at half-mast. The symbol of the apocalypse: the atomic warhead prick which self-destructs. That was the basic inequity which could never be righted: not that the male had a wonderful added attraction called a penis, but that the female had a wonderful all-weather cunt. Neither storm nor sleet nor dark of night could faze it. It was always there, always ready. Quite terrifying, when you think about it. No wonder men hated women. No wonder they invented the myth of female inadequacy.‚ÄĚ –¬†Fear of Flying

Erica Jong’s¬†Fear of Flying¬†recently celebrated its 40th anniversary, and as we took a stroll down memory lane — the kind of memory lane where horny people park their cars for zipless fucks — we were reminded how perfectly comfortable Jong was using the word¬†cunt¬†in her books (“Jealousy makes the prick grow harder. And the cunt wetter,” from¬†How to Save Your Own Life).¬†We keep wanting to write “the c-word” as we type — that’s how scandalous the word still is, even forty years on. Even after the release in 2002 of a book called, simply, Cunt, which traced the history of the word from honorific (in ancient times) to expletive. Even after a hipster feminist like Caitlin Moran came out of the c-word closet in 2012 and admitted that cunt is her word of choice.

Sure, we know that¬†cunt¬†is a pejorative, and it’s not very nice to call your nether regions names — especially a name associated with sexism and misogyny. But we think people’s discomfort with the word goes much deeper than that; twat never shocks people as much, for example, and that’s a pejorative, too (albeit a charmingly British one). Is it, in fact, because a cunt seems powerful in a way that a friendly pussy just isn’t? ¬†And because this kind of powerful¬†cunt¬†makes people think of raw, dirty, uninhibited sex?

Think about it: Of all the many hundreds of euphemisms for vagina and vulva, how many of them conjure the kind of sex — or the kind of all-mighty genitals, even — that cunt does? Not snatch, not yoni, not muff, not minge, not even pussy. In fact, most euphemisms convey some level of discomfort with the area. Consider terms that compare the vagina to a smelly or unpleasant food (tuna taco, hair pie), or a strange animal (bearded clam), or an abyss of some kind (slit, gaping axe wound), or an anachronistic Victorian lady (velvet glove), or something designed to “trap” a penis (flytrap, manhole). Even terms that are supposed to empower women, like vajayjay, just end up sounding cutesy. And who wants their vagina to be cutesy, at least when it’s getting some amorous attention?

In contrast, while¬†cunt¬†may also reflect some societal discomfort with women, the word just doesn’t seem to care. It’s got better things to do. And it will probably never be considered adorable (unless we all start putting an umlaut over the U to create a smiley face).

For years we have struggled to find the perfect word for a woman to use in bed with a partner — as opposed to with her gynecologist or on a ladies’ night out — and we’ve always come to the conclusion that the word simply doesn’t exist. Everything is either too damn silly (love muffin), too clinical (vagina/vulva), too offensive (pussy), too cliche (pussy) or too cringe-worthy (pussy) to say out loud in bed. (Can you tell we’re not fans of the P-word?). But¬†we wonder if¬†cunt¬†has been unfairly overlooked as a viable, perfectly acceptable pillow-talk possibility. Maybe¬†Erica Jong got it right forty years ago, and the rest of us (or at least the two of us) are too delicate — too¬†pussy, a wise-ass might say — to realize it.

Of course, the perfect¬†word is whatever works for you, whatever that may be (and to hell with Em & Lo’s delicate sensibilities!). Your perfect word may be no word at all, but rather a sigh or a moan. But we do like the idea of trying to expand your vocabulary in bed in order to expand your sexual horizons — even if that just means testing the waters with an¬†Oh, baby, lick my c-word.

 

What do¬†you¬†think: Have you ever used the word¬†cunt¬†in bed? Or could you picture yourself doing so? If not, what’s your go-to word? Share your thoughts in the comments section below.¬†

 

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10 Yoga Skills That Will Boost Your Sex Life

February 11, 2014

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photo via flickr

Alexandra Joy is the author of the new book The Woman’s Secret: A Novella with Lessons, which uses storytelling to demonstrate how Eastern teachings can transform every aspect of your life. Today on EMandLO.com, she shares 10 ways that yoga can add value to your sexual experiences:

When I mention to people that I find yoga to be invaluable in my personal life, they typically react with raised eyebrows and knowing Cheshire Cat grins. Yes, yes, I know what they’re picturing: The complex, acrobatic sexual positions found in the Kama Sutra. They automatically assume I must be a circus-trained contortionist! In fact, yoga classes can radically improve your sex life in numerous ways, bringing you better, longer, and more frequently occurring orgasms. Here are my top ten favorite ways that yoga skills can boost your sex life:

1. Focus
Yogic practices can help you stop thinking about your morning meeting with your client, the designer dress you plan to buy at the end of the month, or where to head on your next vacation. Give your complete attention to the sensual moments at hand. Enjoyment is all about presence!

2. Love and Acceptance of Your Body
People devoted to yoga know that we are all perfect in our own ways. This sort of attitude significantly boosts self-esteem. And nothing is sexier in bed than someone comfortable with his or her naked body. (And nothing is more likely to block a woman’s orgasm than feeling bad about the way she looks naked.)

3. Stamina
Physical resilience is developed through static yoga positions. Your muscles become stronger and more elastic. Moreover, you learn to relax and find comfort staying still in the most inconvenient positions. It’s the best possible training for a sex marathon!

4. Stress Relief
The goal of yoga is to keep calm under the onslaught of problems and disasters of the external world. Yoga reduces your stress levels, which puts you in the right mindset for sex.

5. Strong Intimate Muscles
This one is especially important for the ladies. You can‚Äôt even imagine how much your life will change if you master one single yoga technique called Mula Bandha! You will learn to control your pelvic muscles, and will be able to squeeze them so tightly that both you and your partner will experience mind-blowing pleasure during intercourse. (There’s much more detail about this in my book.) Read the rest of this entry »



Hot & Cheap: How to Make a Home-Cooked Meal for a Dollar!

January 17, 2014

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Being able to cook is traditionally seen as sexy, but frugality? Not so much. But when you save money on food, think of all that leftover moolah you can apply to romantic dinners out, just-because gifts, and sex toy upgrades!

When we think of sexiness and frugality, we think of Jack Murnighan. We used to work with him back in the early days of Nerve.com. He was a PhD student of medieval literature who penned the column “Jack’s Naughty Bits,” in which he would eloquently introduce the raunchiest bits from the cannon. His voice was deep and smooth like butter. He danced at all those fabulous late-90s internet-boom parties with the sensuality of Sally Rand. And he drank four-day old coffee without shame — indeed, with pride.

Lo and Jack were roommates for five minutes and he would come home from Chinatown with a bag overflowing with exotic (or frightening, depending on your sensibilities)…ingredients? Yes, let’s go with ingredients. All for less than a dollar! No exaggeration. Then he’d make magic in our teeny tiny kitchen and have himself a feast within minutes. As an undaring vegetarian, I was spared many of his zanier experiments, but I could still appreciate the game he was mastering way back when: making interesting, satisfying, home-cooked meals for next to nothing.

Jack is now an executive at Disney (Nerve.com > Babble.com > Disney) where they’ve¬†helped him launch his own online video series called DOLLAR MEALS, which he describes as “gourmandise on the super-cheap.” It’s been a long time coming. He’s as cute as ever, with a voice that’s still as smooth as butter, and he can cut the fat off pork with the sensuality of Sally Rand. Watch, learn, eat, enjoy!

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Bad Boob Day? Here’s What Normal Breasts Really Look Like

January 10, 2014

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photo via Flickr

Chances are, you’re pretty familiar with your own breasts, and you’ve probably had fleeting glimpses of breasts belong to your mother/sister/close friend in a fitting room. But the breasts you get to spend the most time staring at — whether you want to or not — belong to movie stars and Victoria’s Secret models and pop stars and various other female celebrities who are paid to look stunning. In other words, women who were blessed with genetically “perfect” boobs (which, sad to say, no doubt contributed to their success) or women who paid to get genetically-enhanced “perfect” boobs.

It’s no wonder so many women feel shitty about their own boobs. But imagine if you could walk down the street on your way to work one morning and could magically see the breasts belonging to every other woman you passed? No push-up bras or surgically enhanced boobies allowed. We have a feeling you’d suddenly feel a whole lot better about your own pair. You’d realize that the concept of “normal,” when it comes to breasts, is incredibly broad (as it were). And you’d realize that the concept of “perfect” is about as real as Heidi Montag’s jugs (and yes, those are “jugs” she has — Ms. Mongtag long ago forfeited the right to refer to those monstrosities as breasts).

Well, in lieu of X-ray vision, this gallery of hundreds of pictures of “normal breasts” may help (you can scroll all the way down to the bottom of this post for some NSFW examples). Hosted by 007B.com (a rather militant breastfeeding site, it should be noted — just a heads up in case you go clicking around to the rest of the site!), these images are all submitted by women who have neither been pregnant nor breastfed — we guess the site’s message is, don’t blame the nursing babies! Whatever you think about nursing, you can’t argue with the site’s philosophy on boobage:

A huge proportion of American women are not happy with their breasts. The media images make them believe the ideal is big and perky breasts with a small nipple and areola.

But, in reality female breasts come in all kinds of sizes and shapes. These breast pictures are here to let you see normal breasts — big, small, sagging, asymmetrical; big areolas or nipples.

In fact, having asymmetrical breasts, where one is bigger than the other, is very very common. Most women have one breast slightly larger than the other. Sagging is very common also, because due to gravity, the breast naturally assumes a hanging position.

Also as we all know, size varies a lot. Some women have practically a flat chest, some have small breasts, some have much bust that the mere weight of them can cause them backaches. according to the bra industry, the most common bra cup size in the US used to be B, but has now become C probably due to the increasing obesity. Of course, the size is not constant but varies with pregnancy, breastfeeding, and during the menstrual cycle.

Many young people growing up never see what normal natural breasts look like, and influenced by the media, think that pert big breasts are ideal. Many end up opting for breast implants to “correct” their breasts ‚ÄĒ when their breasts were normal all the time!

In fact, MOST teenage girls worry and fret over their breast development, some even to the point of suicide ‚ÄĒ which is a very sad comment on how American culture is influencing young people.

Preach it, sisters! We’re happy that so many women were willing to share pictures of their, yes, normal breasts. You might want to bookmark the photo gallery and return to it next time you’re having a Bad Boob Day. We’ve included a few examples below — caution, NSFW, though we hate to have to say that! — so scroll down past the asterisks if you’d like to see.

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10 Requirements for a Sexy Bedroom

January 8, 2014

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photo via Flickr

In case your bedroom has been a little worse for wear lately, here’s a quick reminder of the basics of bedroom beautification. Because a beautiful bedroom is much nicer/more inspiring/less psychically distracting to make beautiful music in.

  1. Invest in sheets with a decent thread count–there’s nothing sexy about your bare skin against the equivalent of burlap.
  2. Only have plants/flowers in the bedroom if you can keep them alive and thriving. Dead things aren’t sexy.
  3. Make sure your bed gives you proper support, because if you’ve got a bad back, you’re not going to feel much like pelvic thrusting. Make sure that the headboard is secure, that the bed’s wheels don’t roll (even better: no wheels!), and that nothing squeaks. The only weird noises you hear should be coming out of your mouths or other orifices; the only movement you feel should be coming from each other’s bodies and the Earth (get it? feeling the Earth move…?).
  4. Get rid of the bright overheads and decorate with some soft, flattering, low lights in various corners — even better if you put them all on dimmers. The occasional candle or two is nice, but don’t get all satanic ritual-y with 50 red fire hazards lining every surface of your bedroom.
  5. Even if you have minimal space, don’t put one side of your bed against a wall — that’s for kiddies and college students.
  6. Place some kind of bedside table on both sides of the bed so each person has a place to call their own within arms reach (for water glasses, lube, condoms, sex toys, etc). You get bonus points if the tables have drawers for maximizing discretion and organization.
  7. No dirty clothes on the floor, office papers cluttering your dresser, or overflowing closets. One of the main reasons hotel rooms are so sexy is because they’re neat and clean!
  8. Give your sex playlist the presentation it deserves: for minimal cost, you can invest in some small but nice speakers to surround your bed (you can even put a subwoofer under it).
  9. Save the family pictures for other rooms in the house. You don’t want your Mom smiling at you while you’re doing it.
  10. No television sets — that’s for the den. And needless to say, no stuffed animals!

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