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What Is the U-Spot?

September 17, 2013


This is part of our continuing series on Top Body “Spots” that any self-respecting, shall we say, “anatomy enthusiast” should be familiar with. Even if this is old news to you, it’s always a good idea to brush up:

The U-Spot

a.k.a. urethral spot

This is the external area surrounding the urethral opening on a woman. Like the area right around the penis’s urethral opening, this nerve-rich spot is sensitive to touch and may be an undiscovered erogenous zone for her, because you are indirectly stimulating one end of the urethral sponge (similarly, with G-spot probing, you are stimulating one side of the urethral sponge). Stimulation of the U-spot is often a happy accident of nearby clitoral head and vaginal orifice stimulation. Upon arousal, it may protrude a bit and take on the appearance of an acorn top (like the external tip of a penis).


Further Reading on body spots from EMandLO.com:


How to Tell a Vanilla Partner About Your Kink

September 13, 2013


We frequently hear from readers who are struggling with an imbalance of kink in their relationship — one partner is vanilla while the other is decidedly chocolate-swirl-fudge. So we asked Richard Wagner, a.k.a. Dr. Dick (seriously), the author of the new book The Gospel of Kink: A Modern Guide To Asking For What You Want And Getting What You Ask For, if he could share some advice that might help such couples. Here’s what he had to say:

Guess What, Honey?
I’m A Kinky Old Sod!

by Richard Wagner, Ph.D., ACS

So you’ve met the person of your dreams, only you haven’t got around to telling your new honey your dirty little secret. The sweet thing hasn’t a clue that you’re itchin’ for some big time bondage. Or you’d sell your soul to be dominated like the scum that you are. Or you’re salivating over that dildo you have tucked away in the attic, the one that could be mistaken for a floor lamp. Or you’re craving to be spanked till your shameless ass glows in the dark. Or you want to hump his/her feet like a dog and gobble up his/her toe jam. Or you have this nasty little thing about spike heels, frilly knickers and jungle red lipstick.

Never fear, Dr. Dick has heard it all a million times before. Some sorry pervert’s got it bad for white bread.

Dear Dr. Dick, Help! I’m in love with the sweetest guy/gal in the word, but our sex life is all vanilla all the time. I’m bored shitless! I know how to liven things up, you see I have this fetish (you fill in the blank) but I don’t know how to tell him/her about it and I’m afraid s/he’ll freak if s/he finds out. What’s a perv to do?

Introducing your partner to your personal world of kink is tricky; the whole little love match could blow up in your face. But a life of pretense and sexual boredom isn’t the way to go either. Why not just stand tall like the disgusting pervert you are and brazenly proclaim your fetish to little Mary Sunshine. After all, unless your boyfriend or gal-pal is as dumb as a post s/he’s already figured out that your mutual sex life limps. Besides, there’s nothing more satisfying than corrupting an innocent. Who knows, s/he may have secrets of his/her own.

Here’s what I suggest. Read the rest of this entry »

What Is the PS-Spot?

September 10, 2013


This is part of our continuing series on Top Body “Spots” that any self-respecting, shall we say, “anatomy enthusiast” should be familiar with. Even if this is old news to you, it’s always a good idea to brush up:

The PS-Spot

a.k.a. perineum & the perineal sponge

Not to be confused with the P-Spot in men, this area in women includes the perineum (the short bridge of tissue between the vaginal opening and the anus) and the tissue beneath the perineum, which is a tightly packed tangle of blood vessels alternately known as the perineal sponge, perineal body, or PS-spot. Like other erectile tissue, this mass fills with blood upon arousal and can be sensitive to massage and pressure via the perineum, the lower back wall of the vagina (opposite the G-spot), or the anus.

Further Reading on the PS-Spot from EMandLO.com:

What Is the P-Spot?

September 5, 2013


This is part of our continuing series on Top Body “Spots” that any self-respecting, shall we say, “anatomy enthusiast” should be familiar with. Even if this is old news to you, it’s always a good idea to brush up:

The P-Spot

a.k.a. the male G-spot

This is the area of the prostate gland that can be felt and stimulated through the top, belly-side wall of the rectum by inserting a finger, fingers, penis or anal sex toy a few inches inside and pressing toward the navel or the back of the pubic bone. (More indirect stimulation of the gland can be achieved by pressing up on the perineum.) Some men find this stimulation incredibly pleasurable, some find that it intensifies orgasm, and some find it downright uncomfortable. However, we suspect some of this discomfort is psychological in nature, as many hetero men (mistakenly) feel that penetration is either too girly, too gay or too unhygienic. Or else they’re just not doing it right.

Further Reading on the P-Spot from EMandLO.com:

Top 10 Things the “Fifty Shades” Movie Could Do Better Than the Book

September 4, 2013


Since the casting was finally announced this past Monday for the adaptation of the first Fifty Shades of Grey book — with Charlie Hunnam (Sons of Anarchy) as Christian Grey and Dakota Johnson (The Social Network) as Anastasia Steele — the general consensus has been “They got it wrong!” We’re not sure any casting would have been universally warmly received (short of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart), but we do think the filmmakers have a chance to definitely get some other things right. Behold, our top 10 improvements on the book we hope to see in the movie:

1. No cable ties: In the first book, when Christian visits Ana at the hardware store and picks up some DIY bondage supplies, it’s implied — intentionally or not — that he’s hoping to use cable ties as wrist restraints on his next guest in his Red Room of Pain. Big mistake. HUGE! If used in such a way, cable ties could cause cuts, poor circulation, and a little thing called nerve damage. The only thing they should be used for in BDSM play is organizing all the cords of your various plug-in vibrators.

2.  No explosive orgasms from Ben Wa balls. It’s just not realistic, at least not for the majority of women. Giving them the same power as, say, a vibrator just sets women up for yet another sexual expectation most can’t meet. Balls (like LELO’s Luna Beads) are better suited for working out your pelvic floor muscles and thus improving pelvic health, which can lead to better sexual sensations. But as little balls full of cosmic orgasm potential? Uh uh.

3. Give Ana some sexual experience. Just a smidge. We’re supposed to believe an adult woman who’s not a member of the FLDS can graduate college with absolutely no sexual interest, no experience with men, and no attempts masturbation ever? It perpetuates the myth that women aren’t sexual creatures until the right man comes along. Please. She’s the virgin and he’s the stud, and they save each other — gross. And even if we were to believe that such a mythical woman could actually exist, it would be totally irresponsible — reprehensible even — to dunk her over her head into the world of BDSM.

4. Full disclosure on the slave contracts. Christian doesn’t ever clearly articulate to Ana that slave contracts are not actually legally binding — you know, thanks to Abraham Lincoln and that whole abolitionist movement. Here’s a kid, for all intents and purposes, who is not what you would call worldly or business savvy or lawyered up. Not cool for a romantic interest who’s supposedly falling in love.

5. Easy on the controlling, abusive, stalker-ish behavior. Christian spies on her and tries to control who she can see, where she works, what she eats — and she is not down with it. She’s afraid he’s going to hurt her; he causes her physical and emotional pain she doesn’t want — that’s not a D/s relationship, that’s abuse. And where’s the aftercare? Christian is a terrible top. The movie should make him a better one.

6. More well-adjusted kinky characters. It would be nice if the movie could add a character or two who’s into kink who isn’t royally fucked up. In the book, it’s Christian the controlling abusive boyfriend, his crazy gun-wielding ex sub, and his statutory rapist from when he was a kid. Not exactly the best advertisement for the kink community, the majority of whom are uber-responsible, law-abiding, stable citizens.

7. Drop Ana’s issues with eating.  With Ana forgetting to eat all the time, not being hungry and being forced to eat by Christian, it’s like she’s got an eating disorder. Maybe EL James was just playing around with a woman’s ultimately fantasy of never being hungry, but it’s a distracting issue — let the girl have a healthy appetite.

8. Have Ana enjoy the kink more. She can be conflicted about it, sure, but she should ultimately love it, embrace it and not be so afraid of it.

9. Make the sole minority character less date rape-y. Jose, basically the one minority in the book, is on a clear path to sexual assault as he tries to take advantage of Ana when she’s super drunk outside the bar. He tries to kiss her even though she keeps saying no and trying to push him away. He continues to hold her in a bear hug and is about to commit a crime before Grey breaks it up. Criminal tendencies aren’t a great quality in a “really good friend.”

10. No Ana narration. We hope and pray the movie dispenses with Ana’s insipid internal dialogue. Please no voiceovers about the “ghost of a smile” on Christian’s face or her cartwheeling Inner Goddess.

 For an awesome book about kink that should be made into a documentary movie, check out our award-winning “150 SHADES OF PLAY: A Beginner’s Guide to Kink.”

What Is the A-Spot?

August 27, 2013


This is part of our continuing series on Top Body “Spots” that any self-respecting, shall we say, “anatomy enthusiast” should be familiar with. Even if this is old news to you, it’s always a good idea to brush up:

The A-Spot

Anterior Fornix
AFE zone (anterior fornix erotic or erogenous zone)
T-zone (for trigone of the urinary bladder)
Deep Spot

There are way too many names and way too many erroneous write-ups on the web about this particular vaginal zone. Put simply, it’s the nerve-rich area deep inside the front (i.e anterior or belly-side) wall of the vagina, next to the cervix (i.e. past the G-spot, beside or even beyond the tip of the cervix). Think of it as stimulating one side of the bladder via the front wall of the vagina (just as you stimulate the urethral sponge via the front wall of the vagina when G-spotting).

It’s not always easy to stimulate the A-spot with typical intercourse and it’s hard to reach with your own fingers, so squatting or pulling your knees up while having a partner reach for it with their finger(s) or using a G-spotter (a vibrator or dildo with a curved tip) with a long shaft may be better at determining your sensitivity there.

Some people, like the Malaysian doc who “discovered” this zone in the early ’90s, report that stimulating this area, especially with repetitive stroking that eventually incorporates the G-spot as well, can help increase vaginal lubrication and orgasmic potential.

More Like This from EMandLO.com:

Top 10 Sex Tips for First Year College Students (New & Improved!)

August 22, 2013


For many young men and women, the end of August marks the start of a new chapter of life — one of higher learning, critical thinking, problem solving, horizon broadening, and lots and lots of casual bonking. It’s a whole new world of unchaperoned independence and freedom combined with 18-year-old hormones — which can result in a lot of really bad life decisions. If you are the kind of wise-beyond-your-years person who only has sober sex with people you’re in a committed relationship with, more power to you! If not, follow these rules to save yourself  from (at least some) sex-related humiliation and regret up in your ivory tower.

  1. Keep your condom shelf fully stocked at all times. Whether you’re a man or a woman, make sure you keep a healthy supply of condoms on hand, for you, for your friends, for friends of friends. Invest in decent ones, with lubrication (but not spermicide), because everyone could use a little rehydration after a night of drinking (and, good or bad, many of you will have been drinking…heavily – see tip #3). Replace the condoms when they get close to their expiration date — because the only thing worse than not having a condom is having one that breaks mid sesh.
  2. Carry a condom on you at all times. Do you see a theme here? You never know when nookie is around the corner, especially on nights out. Keep a condom (more if you can manage it) cool and dry in a purse or loose pocket, not crammed in an overstuffed wallet or squeezed into the back pocket of your skinny jeans.
  3. Don’t do it drunk. Chances are, you will get drunk. Too drunk. Way too drunk. Probably on more than one occasion. We’re not talking about a good, healthy buzz — because let’s face it, that’s the most likely time sex is going to happen for you this year — no, we’re talking completely sloshed. And when that happens, when your balance starts to fail and your voice gets really loud and the room spins a bit, try with all your might NOT to hook up. Have a friend or three on hand who’ve got your back. Because the chances of it not going well are exceedingly high. Think: poor sexual performance, blackouts, accusations of date rape, actual date rape, mid-sesh vomiting, forgotten birth control, accidental pregnancy, viral videos, the list goes on.
  4. Have a no hook-up zone. Ground zero is your dorm room and the zone radiates out from there. The closer anyone lives to ground zero, the less advised you are to hook up with them. So: students in other dorms = fair game. Students in same dorm = proceed with caution. Students on same floor = enter (or be entered) at your own risk. Immediate neighbors = turn back now! Roommate = NO!!! And while we’re on the topic or roommates, have respect for yours — don’t keep locking them out while you’re showing someone your dorm room etchings, especially on nights before exams.
  5. Don’t sleep with anyone to get them to like you. This will not work. Sleep with someone because you are attracted to them and would like to have sex now, but only if you can do so without any expectations of a future relationship. If you think sex tonight means you’re dating tomorrow, think again.
  6. Avoid having sex in a fraternity/sorority house. But especially a fraternity house. Because in close-knit community living like that there are no boundaries: people will walk in on you while you’re doing it. Sometimes they’ll stay. They might try to take pictures.
  7. Don’t hook up with your friends’ exes. We know college is inherently incestuous. But you’ve got four more years with your friends. Don’t make it awkward.
  8. Be open and honest about STDs. You’re jumping into a pool of smart, well educated, fun, attractive, decent people — many of whom have sexually transmitted diseases. Hell, you probably have one right now too! There’s nothing shameful about that — it’s just statistics. But that doesn’t mean you can shirk your civic responsibility to be honest about anything you’ve got that might be transferrable — oral herpes counts too! The more people talk about it, the less stigma there will be, and the smarter everyone can be about protecting themselves and the ones they lust.
  9. Don’t schtupp your professor. It’s so cliche. The affair might feel naughty and transgressive, but ultimately it’s an abuse of power on their part. Plus, it’s not worth it for the inevitable mediocre B you’ll get.
  10. Get familiar with your health center. The good ones will have free condoms, STD information and check-ups, Plan B and pregnancy tests. The health center is your friend.
The above is an updated version of last year’s post, improved in part thanks to the helpful comments of our awesome and astute EMandLO.com readers. 


What Is the G-Spot?

August 21, 2013



This is part of our series on Top Body “Spots” that any self-respecting, shall we say, “anatomy enthusiast” should be familiar with. Even if this is old news to you, it’s always a good idea to brush up:

The G-Spot

a.k.a: The Grafenberg Spot

The G-spot is the area of the urethral sponge (or female prostate) that can be felt and stimulated through the top wall of the vagina by inserting a finger, fingers, penis or sex toy a few inches inside and pressing up toward the navel or the back of the pubic bone.

Let’s back up a bit: the female prostate is the spongy erectile tissue surrounding the length of the urethra that consists of glands, known as paraurethral glands, which produce an alkaline fluid similar to that produced by the male prostate (more on this below). The embryonic tissue that develops into the prostate gland in male fetuses is the same tissue that develops into the urethral sponge in female fetuses.

To hit it, have her lie on her back (she can pull her knees up or place a pillow under her bum for better access), and insert one or two fingers about two inches in and up, as if you were aiming behind her pubic bone. You’re feeling for a rough, ridged area on the front or upper wall of the vagina, about the size of a stretched-out coin, that’s less smooth than the other walls of the vagina. Remember, the G-spot actually sits behind this wall. Since you’ll be pressing on the urethra (and in the vicinity of the bladder), it’s only natural that she might feel like she has to wee when you do this. If she urinates first, then she’ll know she can ignore this feeling and you can keep on G-spotting. Once there, curve your fingers in a “come hither” gesture and massage the area firmly and steadily.

Some women find this sensation downright uncomfortable and can’t get past the resulting “urge to purge”. But others actually require this kind of stimulation for orgasm, or even ejaculate as a result of it. If she should fall into this last category, here’s what’s happening (and it’s a good thing, by the way): Upon arousal, the glands and ducts embedded in the urethral sponge fill with fluid (not urine) which may be expelled through the urethra and the paraurethral ducts during stimulation or orgasm or when she contracts her pelvic floor muscles – in other words, ejaculation could occur before, during, or after orgasm. Some women may spurt, some may release a flood of fluid, and some may emit just a few drops of ejaculate, making it almost impossible to detect. Along with being a fun two-person party trick, it’s another kind of pleasure for her, but not one that should be pursued like the holy grail. The fountain-like squirting you see in porn is not universally attainable – and in some cases, may not even be real, if you ask us.

More Like This from EMandLO.com:

How to Introduce Kink Into Your Relationship (Esp If You’re a Dude)

August 20, 2013


Lelo’s Etherea Silk Cuffs

Our friend, previous Nerve coworker, and fellow writer Grant Stoddard recently hit us up for some insight for his Men’s Health article “Does She Deserve a Spanking?” This is how these things go: article writer asks you (the author of a book on the subject in question) a bunch of questions, you offer extensive insight out of the goodness of your heart (and in the hope of some decent publicity), and said article features one or two lines max of your long-winded brilliance. And so below, we’ve given you the unabridged version of our expertise. See which itty-bitty tidbits made the Men’s-Health cut (and compare our advice to other experts’) HERE.

GRANT: How do you introduce the idea of BDSM to a partner?

EM & LO: (a) Be direct, but build up slowly: ”Have you ever tried X, Y and Z? Would you like to (again)?” whereby X, Y an Z are something like “tied up, blindfolded and maybe spanked” rather than something more hardcore, like “mummified, whipped and humiliated”. (b) reference Fifty Shades of Grey (“Have you read it? Did you like it? Which parts did you really like?” Etc.) and (c) doing it over a glass of wine helps!

What are some dos and don’ts of getting started with BDSM?

DO read a book on the subject. Not only will it fill you in on important technique and safety info, it’s a great way to figure out what you like and what you might want to try. Plus, reading a book in bed together is a great, mood-enhancing way to explore each other’s interests. (May we recommend “150 Shades of Play“?!)

DON’T believe everything you read in “Fifty Shades of Grey” — it’s great material for getting in the mood (that woman knows how to write a sex scene!) but it’s not always the best on instruction or safety tips (hello, cable ties for wrist restraints? No freakin’ way!).

How do you set the stage for BDSM play?

  • Read kinky erotica together
  • Get in costume, or at least something more provocative than usual
  • Go shopping together for new toys and props
  • Communicate, communicate, communicate your expectations and boundaries. Did we say “communicate”?

How do you engage in dominant/submissive play without feeling silly?

The best tip we have for beginners is to have the submissive wear a blindfold. Not only does it help them embrace the submissive role (not much you can contribute to the evening if you can’t see), but you’ll BOTH feel way less silly — especially the one doing the dominating, who won’t have to worry about how they look. But it’ll actually help both of you focus on the sensations, stay in character and avoid the nervous giggles (not that there’s anything wrong with getting having a sense of humor about sex).

What about safety?

Every act and toy has its own safety requirements — some require an entire book’s worth of research, or even a series of classes on the topic. At the very least, you owe it to yourself and your partner to familiarize yourself with the basic safety rules of whatever you’re dabbling in. Then, you’ve got to talk things through with your partner so you know how far you each want to go in terms of pain, role-playing, power plays, etc. And agreeing on a safeword is always a good idea — it lets you both lose yourself a little in the moment and not worry if you partner’s “no” means “oh god more” or “seriously, dude, no.”

Tell me some good reasons why a guy ought to explore BDSM activities with a partner…

When you’ve been in a long-term relationship for a while, you naturally lose some of the drama and suspense and unexpectedness that’s par for the course with new sexual relationships. BDSM is a way to regain some of that drama and surprise in you and your long-term partner’s sex life.

What might people be surprised to know about BDSM? What’s a common misperception? 

You don’t have to have had a mama who didn’t love you enough as a kid to be into BDSM.

What’s an example of a good safeword to use? And a bad one?

GOOD: “Red Light” or something totally random like “Taco” (the word the Blaire Witch Project actors used to break out of character)

BAD: “Stop”, “No”, “Don’t” or anything that you might want to use in order to add to the drama of the scene. Also bad: anything too hard to remember or too multi-syllabic — if you’re about to pass out, you want to get the safeword out quickly.

In general terms, what’s the psychological appeal of each of the following five things? spanking/restraining/sensation play/role play/tease and denial…?

Spanking = endorphin rush from pain, humiliation, and/or just the fun of feeling like you’ve been very very naughty

Restraining = if you’re prone to feeling guilty during sex (e.g. thanks to a Catholic upbringing), being restrained frees you from any pro-active participation – iyou just have to lie back and take it (i.e. enjoy it)

Sensation play = wakes up nerve endings you might usually overlook

Role play = the equivalent fun of costume parties: you get to be somebody completely different for a night

Teasing = think about how turned on you were in high school when you were almost but not quite getting some

What is aftercare? 

From our book: “Aftercare is the care given to a bottom by their top after a scene. This includes, but is not limited to: fetching them some water; warming them up with a blankie; soothing body parts with ice or creams (e.g. arnica cream), or heck, maybe even some ice cream; helping them get up, get to the bathroom, and/or get dressed (perhaps in a silky robe, e.g. from the Sussurra Collection—soothing and sensual); communicating with them (to make sure they had as much fun as they seemed to be having, and to ensure that the next go-around is even more to their liking); cuddling them; offering words of encouragement, emotional support, and/or high fives; giving them some quiet time and space to collect their thoughts or themselves (a room of their own, if you’re Christian Grey); making them breakfast (or having your maid serve breakfast, if you’re Grey).”

How can a man use the popularity of Fifty Shades series to have a better sex life/more fulfilling relationship?  

Fifty Shades of Grey is a pretty good instruction book on what NOT to do: don’t use cable ties, tape or metal handcuffs as wrist restraints; don’t disrespect a woman’s wishes and privacy; don’t engage in kinky stuff is she’s not totally gung-ho about it; don’t do anything that actually leaves wounds; don’t be a stalker.

5 Things You Should Know About the Clitoris

August 20, 2013


photo via flickr

Little man in the boat, nubbin, chickpea, rosebud, love button, joy buzzer, cherry pit, beetle’s bonnet—the clitoris has more nicknames than P.Diddy, but it still remains an elusive little sucker. We bet most people could list more pet names for the clitoris than facts about how it works. Here are five key facts to help restore the balance:

1. The clitoris is the only organ in the entire human body, whether male or female, whose sole purpose is sexual pleasure. We’ll say that again: The clitoris has one job in this big, bad world: to transmit sexual sensation. And it does that job pretty well.

2. You know one reason why it does that job so well? Because the clitoral head has around 8,000 nerve endings—more than any other structure in the human body, again either male or female. The oh-so-sensitive penis, on the other hand? Around 4,000 nerve endings.

3. You can call the clitoris a chickpea if you like, but that’s actually just the clitoral head you’re referring to. The clitoris as a whole is a complex structure that extends throughout a woman’s genitals—what you can see outside the body, i.e. the clitoral head and its hood, is only about a quarter of the entire organ. (It’s too bad Marie Bonaparte—great grand niece to Napoleon—didn’t know this before she had her clitoral head surgically relocated closer to the vagina in an effort to climax during intercourse. Let’s just call that a nubbinFail.) Read the rest of this entry »