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10 Requirements for a Sexy Bedroom

January 8, 2014

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photo via Flickr

In case your bedroom has been a little worse for wear lately, here’s a quick reminder of the basics of bedroom beautification. Because a beautiful bedroom is much nicer/more inspiring/less psychically distracting to make beautiful music in.

  1. Invest in sheets with a decent thread count–there’s nothing sexy about your bare skin against the equivalent of burlap.
  2. Only have plants/flowers in the bedroom if you can keep them alive and thriving. Dead things aren’t sexy.
  3. Make sure your bed gives you proper support, because if you’ve got a bad back, you’re not going to feel much like pelvic thrusting. Make sure that the headboard is secure, that the bed’s wheels don’t roll (even better: no wheels!), and that nothing squeaks. The only weird noises you hear should be coming out of your mouths or other orifices; the only movement you feel should be coming from each other’s bodies and the Earth (get it? feeling the Earth move…?).
  4. Get rid of the bright overheads and decorate with some soft, flattering, low lights in various corners — even better if you put them all on dimmers. The occasional candle or two is nice, but don’t get all satanic ritual-y with 50 red fire hazards lining every surface of your bedroom.
  5. Even if you have minimal space, don’t put one side of your bed against a wall — that’s for kiddies and college students.
  6. Place some kind of bedside table on both sides of the bed so each person has a place to call their own within arms reach (for water glasses, lube, condoms, sex toys, etc). You get bonus points if the tables have drawers for maximizing discretion and organization.
  7. No dirty clothes on the floor, office papers cluttering your dresser, or overflowing closets. One of the main reasons hotel rooms are so sexy is because they’re neat and clean!
  8. Give your sex playlist the presentation it deserves: for minimal cost, you can invest in some small but nice speakers to surround your bed (you can even put a subwoofer under it).
  9. Save the family pictures for other rooms in the house. You don’t want your Mom smiling at you while you’re doing it.
  10. No television sets — that’s for the den. And needless to say, no stuffed animals!

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Top 7 Love Lessons Learned from The Bachelor (Juan Pablo, Ep 1)

January 7, 2014

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photo courtesy of ABC/Rick Rowell

Now that Juan-uary has begun, each week we’ll be bringing you the five most important love lessons you can learn from each episode of The Bachelor on ABC. With each episode guaranteed to be the most dramatic EVER (per usual), this season should prove to be a wildly educational ride. And since last night was the long-awaited premiere, chock-full of hot messes and rock-hard abs, we’ve got two bonus tips for you today!

  1. On a blind date, don’t open with your jilted-at-the-alter sob story. And while we’re at it, don’t open with talk of your recent unemployment, your brother who’s in jail, your raging case of genital herpes, or your small vestigial tail. Duh.
  2. On a date, never give out the equivalent of a pity rose, be it a pity compliment, a pity phone number exchange, or a pity kiss. You might be trying to be nice, but they’ll smell the condescension wafting off you like too much Drakkar Noir. And all you’ll probably get in return is a limp “Uh…sure.”
  3. If you’re dating a single parent, you can discern quite a bit about the quality of their parenting by assessing how properly — or in Juan Pablo’s case, how improperly — the child’s car-seat straps have been adjusted.
  4. To be sure an exotic accent is not impeding your judgment, imagine them speaking in a Pee Wee Herman voice, like this. If they still seem even just half as smart/hot/witty, then you’ll know it’s the real deal. Otherwise, you’ll realize you’ve been duped by the rolling Rs.
  5. On a blind date, give a man a stiff drink, NOT a teddy bear.
  6. We don’t care if you’re a professional massage therapist — no sensual massages may be given until at least date number 3 (when sex either is impending or has just concluded).
  7. When all else fails, take your shirt off.

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The Married Person’s Top 10 New Year’s Resolutions

January 3, 2014

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photo via Flickr

  1. Have sex with your partner more than you watch porn/read erotica on your own.
  2. Trim your toenails like you did when you were single before a date.
  3. Kiss your partner on the lips for at least 5 seconds every day.
  4. In the next 6 months, be sure to spend at least one night in a hotel together (even if it’s just at the Hampton Inn in the next town over).
  5. Make the weekly date night a sacrament.
  6. Give more back rubs without the expectation of reciprocal sex.
  7. Try to think of and share stories from your past that you’ve somehow never told each other before (a la “Before Midnight”).
  8. Exercise together (even if that just means going for a walk around the block while holding hands every now and then).
  9. Fart in front of each other less.
  10. Look each other in the eyes when you climax (at least occasionally).

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Turkey Cooking Tips For Better Sex

November 28, 2013

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photo via Flickr

However distasteful it may sound, there are a lot of similarities between cooking turkey and having sex: prepping naked skin, heating things up, getting stuffed, being done — and when you really think about it, they’re both kind of gross. So in honor of the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday, we’ve retrofitted the Food Network’s top 10 Turkey Tips for sex. And while it would have been easy, we’re proud to say we resisted solely equating the woman engaged in sex with “the bird.”

  1. Plan ahead. The best way to warm someone up is to take your time; count on several hours or even days of foreplay.
  2. Both low-heat and high-heat seduction styles have their merits. The classic method is 3 dates before sex; if you’re willing to sacrifice the possibility of long-term leftovers, you can do it on the first date.
  3. But for the hottest sex, start to get things cooking but leave it unconsummated at least overnight.
  4. People have better sex if they’re not over-stuffed. A light diet of mostly vegetables (carrots, celery, onions and garlic) with fresh herbs adds flavor without leading to dryness or bitterness.
  5. Keep a bottle of lube on the side; moisten generously.
  6. Dressing up for sex may look professional and pretty, but for the best sex, leave yourselves untrussed. And hey, it’s one less thing for you to do!
  7. Scatter rose petals on your bed before arranging yourselves on top. They’ll add tons of romance to your drippings.
  8. Deal with the legs and wings first — then you’ll have more success when you get to the breast.
  9. Once the turkey goes in the oven, don’t open the door too often. Every time you do, the heat drops precipitously, so it’ll raise both the cook time as well as the odds of dryness.
  10. Once cooking is done, tent yourselves loosely with a blanket and rest for about half an hour before diving in again. If you need more time to recover, you can rest for up to an hour without losing too much heat.

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10 Sexy Things to Be Thankful for This Thanksgiving

November 28, 2013

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photo via flickr

Whether you’re married, dating, single and loving it, or desperately seeking some lovin’, here are ten sexy things you can give thanks for this Thanksgiving. Consider this your holiday gratitude journal — except we already wrote it for you… one more thing to be thankful for. You’re welcome!

1. The Sex Toy Revolution

Once upon a time, sex toys were cheap nasty plastic things designed “for novelty use” only, and about as likely to get you off as a Geraldo Riviera topless selfie. These days, sex toy shoppers can choose from a huge variety of well-designed, well-made, gorgeous toys that are good for your body, good for the environment, and fantastic for your sex life. Don’t forget to tell Santa that you plan to be naughty and nice.

2. Sex Advice Wants to Be Free!

Back when sex toys were cheap nasty plastic things, sex advice columnists were a rare breed and most of the sex advice out there was the watered-down kind that advertisers in glossy magazines could stomach. These days, the web is littered with free sex advice columns, so it’s easier than ever to improve your own sex life. Not so good for our career prospects; excellent for your love life prospects.

3. Feminist Porn

Erika Lust and a bunch of women like her are now making erotic films that won’t make you feel icky (or, at least, will only make you feel icky for all the right reasons).

4. Your Mind Is a Fantasy Island

Here’s something that’s always been true: What goes on in your dirty little mind is nobody’s business but your own, and this is true whether you’re single, dating, or married for twenty years. Go ahead and break every rule in the sex book in your own head, we won’t tell.

5. Safer Sex Is Sexier Than Ever

Along with the sex toy revolution came a much wider choice in terms of condoms, both male and female. And we’re not talking about blue vs. green or red vs. gold, a la Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. We mean it’s now easier than ever to find the condom that fits you just perfectly, and maybe even adds a little extra sensation for you and your partner.

6. Masturbation Is Free… and Calorie-Free

So give yourself a good stuffing this Thanksgiving, heh heh.

7. Let Me Google That For You

Wondering if it’s normal to be a virgin at twenty-six? Wondering what percentage of women orgasm without clitoral stimulation? Wondering if you can get the HPV vaccine if you’re thirty? Wondering what condoms feel best? Wondering if the female condom is worth a try? Wondering what the hell the P-spot is? There was a time when we did all this wondering but Google wasn’t there to clear things up in the privacy of our own homes.

8. Gay Marriage Is Spreading Like Sunshine

At this point, it’s only a matter of time until it’s legal in all fifty states. Bring it on!

9. 2013 Is (Mostly) a Good Time to Be Having Sex

Remember when gay sex and birth control were both illegal? Remember when more people were dying from AIDS than living with it? Remember when doctors tried to “cure” women’s “hysteria” with industrial-strength vibrators? Remember when the clitoris didn’t get invited to the party? Yeah, neither do we. Consider yourselves lucky.

10. Yours Truly

We know it’s not polite to toot your own horn, as it were, but we’ve been dishing out sex advice for free on a daily basis since 1999. That’s almost fifteen years, people. In other words, longer than a lot of marriages, longer than most people stick with a job, longer than either Facebook or Twitter has been around. We don’t expect a medal (unless you have a medal, in which case we’d gladly accept one) but we thought you might like to know that someone has been there for you every day for the past fifteen years.

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6 Ways to Seduce Your Husband

November 27, 2013

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photo by Ezyan Y.

Let’s face it: seducing guys ain’t that hard. A little cleavage and some footsie is pretty much all it takes. But when you’re in a long-term committed relationship, the challenge is making your moves new and memorable. What follows are seven classic approaches to seduction that you can make your own with your hubby — and have fun doing it.

  1. The Detective: It’s the quintessential seduction technique: Show up on the doorstep or open the door in a trench coat, heels and not much else. It’s a bold move that takes nerve and confidence. But before you bust it out, just be sure they’ll be no surprises (like an impromptu guy’s poker night). And don’t feel obligated to wear the traditional lace garter-belt ensemble underneath. An oversized “Go Mets!” T-shirt, especially if he’s a fan, might work just as well. What’s sexier than a sense of humor?
  2. The Anais Nin: In an email, text or–get this–a handwritten lust note (yes, they still make nice pens), tell him what you want to do to him right now in great graphic detail, preferably sent to him when he’s in the middle of an important business meeting. This also works whispered in his ear in the middle of a crowded party, a movie theater, or a restaurant.
  3. The Centerfold: No need to have bleach blonde hair, fake boobs or access to an airbrush. A softly lit digital pic taken from a flattering angle will do the trick. Send him one on your camera phone, leave one in his briefcase, or slip one under his pillow, etc. When you take it yourself, you can art direct so as to leave something (including your identity) to the imagination. Note: Only for the committed partner you really, really trust…
  4. The Julie McCoy: Plan a guy date: take note of his likes (e.g. microbrews), hobbies (e.g. fly fishing), and interests (e.g. politics) and then plan a surprise date around them. For example, pack a picnic with a six pack of his favorite ale and have him teach you how to fish while you debate the merits of the electoral college system. From then on, he’ll be happy (okay, willing) to go shopping with you and hold your purse.
  5. The Mrs. Robinson: You take erotic control: make the first move, tell him what you’re going to do to him, have him lie back while you call the shots (you can even tie him up so he complies), you undress him, then yourself (or not)…guaranteed he’ll be putty in your hands (again, unless he’s one of those aforementioned meatheads).
  6. The Pretty Woman: For those in long-term relationships, creating the illusion of variety can help spice things up. Like Julia Roberts, don a blonde bobbed wig and some thigh-high boots (or whatever outfit or Halloween costume makes you look and feel like a new person) and have fun with a little light role-playing: “Hey there, stranger…”

***AN (updated) EM & LO ARCHIVE CLASSIC***



Top 10 Striptease Tips

November 26, 2013

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photo via Flickr

The traditional striptease is not for everyone: some consider it the ultimate display of female sexual power, reducing male viewers to quivering bowls of jelly, while others find it embarrassing or even demeaning. One thing’s for sure: many a man truly enjoys the visual, so an erotic dance can be a generous gift. This is not to suggest that the ladies don’t like to look too. Or that a striptease can’t be a joint effort or a male endeavor — we think it should be, and often. Therefore a woman should feel free to tell her fella, “You first” or “Now your turn!” But for the sake of simplicity, the following tips are written assuming the lady in the relationship wants to be the first to perform. By the way, don’t think you need the body of a model or stripper to dance suggestively for your partner. He’ll be focused on the show, not on your so-called imperfections.  You go-go girl!  (Just please don’t install a pole in your bedroom.)

  1. Rent 9 1/2 Weeks to learn from Kim Basinger’s striptease: the outfit, the moves, the music, the shy-cheeky-sexy attitude (just ignore the disturbing plot line).
  2. Dance to a song that you’ll both enjoy — you should feel sexy moving to it, but he shouldn’t be thinking, “I can’t believe she’s still into boy bands.”
  3. Wear a shirt with buttons: it automatically creates 10 extra moves! Play peek-a-boob with each side. Once it’s undone, turn your back on him and shimmy it off your shoulders before dropping it to the floor. Oh, and don’t wear tight pants or jeans. Because if you can look sexy while you take those off, then you can quit your day job. Instead, wear a pencil skirt that you can push down (while bending forward with your back or side to him) and then step out of. Throw clothes in his direction as you remove them.
  4. Practice removing your stockings ahead of time. For extra balance (and teasing), place your toes between his legs or on the arm of his chair while you push the stockings down.
  5. If you’ve got long hair, put it in a loose updo that you can pull out during your finale.
  6. Do it in heels and don’t take them off (except to remove stockings – and you could even put the heels back on once the stockings are off).
  7. Don’t forget the tease part of “striptease”: slow down! Fancy moves are less important than simply taking your time with each layer. So pull your skirt up or your underwear down a few inches before removing, push your bra straps off your shoulders before turning away to unclasp, and don’t get completely naked until the very end — and even then, tease him with a back view until he can’t take it anymore.
  8. Remember that a strip is in the hips: keep them moving. Some other good moves: Turn sideways and arch your back a little with hands on hips and elbows pressed back. Also, lean forward toward him, feet together, hands on knees, arms straight: he’ll enjoy the perspective. And put your arms up in the air and cross your wrists while you move your hips side to side, or trace a body part – thighs, stomach, opposite arm, hips, breasts – with your fingers. Then walk towards him (one foot all the way in front of the other, like you’re on a catwalk) and loop his tie or a piece of your clothing around his neck to pull him closer to your face or cleavage.
  9. Use your surroundings: The wall — lean your back against it and writhe, or slide down into a squat and up again (so long as you’re sure your thighs are strong enough to get you back up effortlessly). The door jam — span the gap with your arms and legs and move your hips. And a chair — straddle it backwards or sit in it sideways to remove each thigh-high stocking with pointed foot in the air.
  10. Maintain eye contact at all times. If your back is turned, glance over your shoulder. If you need a break, look down coyly then back up at him, like, “Who me? Strip?”

Okay, now it’s his turn. So tell us, how should a guy strip for his partner? Share your tips in the comments below.

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Top 10 Timely Halloween Costumes for Couples

October 20, 2013

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Lo and her guy a couple Halloweens ago

It’s only three weeks to Halloween, which means that if you plan on doing something more elaborate than throwing a sheet over your head and saying BOO! a lot, you better get your act together soon. So, with that in mind, here are our top ten ideas for timely Halloween costumes for couples. We make no promises that every costume below will kink up your sex life, but you’ll certainly have fun trying):

  1. Walt and Jesse from Breaking Bad, in their haz-mat suits and gas masks. (Definitely keep the masks on for sex!)
  2. So you prefer a little teasing and torture, BDSM-style? Then one of you is Jesse in handcuffs and the other is Todd, serving Jesse ice cream (it doesn’t have to be Americone Dream, but it can’t be vanilla, geddit?).
  3. Last Breaking Bad costume, we swear!: For retro appeal, one of you is Walter White in his grubby, baggy tighty-whities, and the other is a pregnant though emotionally underdeveloped Skylar.
  4. One of you is Justin Bieber in low-slung boxer-briefs, and the other is… Justin Bieber in low-slung boxer-briefs. You’re a selfie in action! Take the camera to bed with you, of course.
  5. If you plan to dress like Miley Cyrus and Robin Thicke from the VMAs, we don’t want to know about it. Unless, of course, the guy in your couple dresses as Miley and the gal dresses like Robin (or you’re both gay). And most definitely bring that foam finger to bed later in the evening.
  6. Dress as a two-person humped camel, a la the Geico commercial. (We’re pretty sure you could get busy under there and no one would be the wiser. At the very least, some mutual diddling.)
  7. Dexter in black rubber protective gear + saran-wrapped victim = a fetish love affair just waiting to happen!
  8. Duck Dynasty Mr. & Mrs: It’s hardly the most original costume out there, but we’re pretty sure that Duck Dynasty-style sex is old-school down and dirty. You can leave your bandana on, as the song almost goes.
  9. Michael Douglas and Matt Damon from Behind the Candelabra: Go seventies, go tight white pants, go gaudy, go topless, go glitzy, go both ways and back again — and do it all for love, aw yeah.
  10. Close the shades and refuse to answer the door to any trick-or-treaters all night while you have hot monkey sex with your partner. Your costume? You’re a government shut-down!

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How to Get Over a Breakup…with Breaking Bad

September 30, 2013

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In honor of the last episode ever of Breaking Bad (sniffle), we’ve reconnoitered our classic “How to Get Over a Breakup” article so Breaking Bad fans the world over can better deal with the loss of their loved one and try to fill the void left behind by the series ending. 

Come here, Baby Blue, and let us give you a big hug. It’s going to be alright. Really. However bad it is, someone else has lived through worse before you — okay, maybe not worse, but nearly as bad (think: The Sopranos, SATC) – and they didn’t lose their job or their marbles in the process. Sure, it might have been touch-and-go at first, but eventually they started watching TV again. Some of them even fell in love with a new show (think: Homeland, House of Cards). It’s the cycle of life! Remember, the end of a relationship with an excellent television show doesn’t make TV unwatchable, it just makes you feel that way for a while — unless, of course, you throw out your Panasonic and cancel your Netflix account. Our patented 8-step process below will keep you out of the john and in the human race.

  1. Numb the pain…for approximately seven days (two weeks max, in extreme circumstances). Everyone needs time to hit the wall. So give yourself permission to talk about nothing but BB at your next cocktail party, debate your friends on Facebook about the merits of the finale, try to convince the few people you know who haven’t watched BB to get on the freaking bus already. Don’t feel guilty for fantasizing about Jessie calling you “Bitch” or Walter White in his tighty-whities. We do, however, insist on you stopping short of trying meth to self-medicate.
  2. Cut the cord. Once you’ve spent a week or two on step 1, do something Walter White was never able to do: let things go and move on. As tempting as it may be to rewatch all 62 episodes to relive a fraction of the excitement you felt the first time around or try to catch hidden meanings you missed before, this is not the time to concern yourself with BB. In fact, as with crystal meth, going cold turkey is often best.
  3. Think negatively about BB, especially if it helps you manage step 2. Avoid looking back on your relationship with blue-colored glasses or beating yourself up about what ingenious subtleties you missed. Read Emily Nussbaum’s party-pooper New Yorker analysis of the finale as many times as you have to to feel better.
  4. Git ‘er done. After you’ve broken down, it’s time to rebuild yourself. You have it in you: start that political blog, dust off your bicycle, take that fiction writing class — after all, think of all the time you’ve wasted not only watching BB, but obsessively reading critics takes on it and posting your own amateur analysis/predictions in various comments sections. Haven’t you always wanted to write the next great teleplay? Never got around to taking that woodworking class because of all the time you wasted Tweeting things like “Can’t figure out which Walter White to be for Halloween: gas mask, pork pie hat, or on the lam”? Do it now!
  5. Give back to the community. Nothing like volunteering at the local rehab clinic to put your heartache in perspective.
  6. Give yourself a “breakover.” Get back at BB by shaving off that goatee, giving up fried chicken, stopping ironically calling all your friends “bitch”….
  7. Go on the rebound. We know you’re not here yet, but don’t underestimate the benefits of distracting yourself with other cinematic flings so that you won’t be tempted to indulge in any late-night re-screenings of the last three episodes of BB. Instead, try just the first episode of a whole slew of highly regarded series. You can go young: House of Cards, Orange Is the New Black, American Horror Story. Or play around with some classics you might have missed: Six Feet Under, Battlestar Galactica, Twin Peaks. You don’t even have to fully commit to another show right now, though by the time you’ve gotten to this step you might feel differently about a palette-cleansing half-hour comedy (i.e. “sorbet show”) like Brooklyn Nine-Nine.
  8. Think positively. This is not the death of quality television. This is the beginning. Say it again: This is the beginning! Now sing it: “I will survive!” Because you will survive. And you will watch again. Hey, maybe you should even turn your television on. Remember, channel surfing is your chance to one day find even better cinematography and even truer character development. BB was just a stepping stone on your way to self-improvement, personal growth, and true happiness with the next great pop culture-phenomenon. Take comfort in the fact that, with every passing day, as the pain subsides, you’re that much closer to your density (chemistry reference intended). We mean, your destiny.

 

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8 Short Poems Hot Enough to Sext Tonight

September 26, 2013

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photo via flickr

U.K.’s Education Secretary Michael Gove got teased mercilessly all over the Internets for his recent suggestion that teenagers should text amorous poetry to each other instead of nude pics. There’s an even an app for it! The Love Book app lets teens record poetry and then text the recording to the object of their desire. “It [the app] will allow children to make sense of their own feelings in a way that is more graceful, expressive and beautiful [than sexting],” Gove said. ”Technology does not have to mean that expression becomes clumsier.”

Fun as it would be to jump on the mockery bandwagon, we’re going to take his suggestion and run with it. Because you, dear EMandLO.com readers, are not sixteen-year-old horn dogs. You understand that there is a time for raunchy photos, and there’s also a time for even raunchier words. So here are eight scorching poems (or excerpts from poems) that you might want to sext to your hot cross bunny tonight…

1.

These are the lips, powerful rudders
pushing through groves of kelp,
the girl’s terrible, unsweetened taste
of the whole ocean, its fathoms: this is that taste

– Adrienne Rich, from “That Mouth”

2.

Lady, i will touch you with my mind.
Touch you and touch and touch
until you give
me suddenly a smile, shyly obscene
(lady i will
touch you with my mind.) Touch
you, that is all,
lightly and you utterly will become
with infinite care
the poem which i do not write

– e.e. cummings, “lady i will touch you”

3.

Love-looks, love-perturbations and risings,

Poise on the hips, leaping, reclining, embracing, arm-curving and tightening,

The skin, the sunburnt shade, freckles, hair,
The curious sympathy one feels when feeling with the hand the naked meat of the body,
The circling rivers the breath, and breathing it in and out,
The beauty of the waist, and thence of the hips, and thence downward toward the knees,
The thin red jellies within you or within me, the bones and the marrow in the bones,

O I say now these are the soul!

– Walt Whitman, from “I Sing the Body Electric”

4.

They do not snatch, they do not tear;
their massive blood
moves as the moon-tides, near, more near
till they touch in flood.

– D.H. Lawrence, from “The Elephant Is Slow to Mate”

5.

please master drive me thy vehicle, body of love drops, sweat fuck
body of tenderness, Give me your dog
fuck faster
please master make me go moan on the table
Go moan O please master do fuck me like that
in your rhythm thrill-plunge & pull-back-bounce & push down

– Allen Ginsberg, from “Please Master”

6.

Did you miss me?
Come and kiss me.
Never mind my bruises,
Hug me, kiss me, suck my juices
Squeez’d from goblin fruits for you,
Goblin pulp and goblin dew.
Eat me, drink me, love me.

– Christina Rossetti, from “The Goblin Market”

7.

Now let us sport us while we may,
And now, like amorous birds of prey,
Rather at once our time devour
Than languish in his slow-chapt power.
Let us roll all our strength and all
Our sweetness up into one ball,
And tear our pleasures with rough strife
Through the iron gates of life.

– Andrew Marvel, from “To His Coy Mistress”

8.

Roses are nice,
Violets are fine,
I’ll be the six,
If you be the nine.

– Various, from “The Internet”

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