In his recent Class Day speech at Princeton University, Steve Carell closed with his version of the “wear sunscreen” list of helpful hints for grads. (Except, of course, the original “wear sunscreen” advice was not given by Kurt Vonnegut during a commencement address at MIT, as the Internets insisted on telling us for years — it was actually a column in the Chicago Tribune by a writer named Mary Schmich.) Anyway, you can read Carell’s list at the end of the transcript of his speech here. (Our favorites:”Only use a ‘That’s what she said’ joke if you absolutely cannot resist.” And: “When out to eat, tip on the entire check. Do not subtract the tax first.”) In the meantime, here is our version of advice for graduating seniors. We can only dream of the day when this list becomes an online sensation falsely attributed to Kurt Vonnegut.

1. It’s pretty hard to have bad sex if you always follow the Golden Rule.

2. We don’t care what you think of condoms — just use them. Also, get tested for STDs frequently and be honest about your sexual history. And get that HPV vaccine!

3. Exercise a little restraint when texting a nude photo of yourself to your partner. Consider cropping your face if you just can’t resist. Here’s a rule of thumb: if you’re not ready to introduce this person to your parents, then it’s probably a bad idea to trust them with your dirty pics.

4. That said, no matter what you think of the body you have now, one day you will look back on it in awe, so consider preserving it for posterity. Ask your partner to shoot you nude (it’s awesome foreplay) — but you keep all the images.

5. Don’t ever gossip about something someone else did in bed.

6. If you’re not having fun with your booty call, then you’re missing the point. Not everyone is cut out for casual sex and that’s okay.

7. That said, it’s okay to enjoy sex for sex’s sake — and don’t let anyone shame you into thinking differently.

8. Monogamy isn’t for everyone, but honesty is.

9. It’s okay to ask for directions — and give them — in bed. It’s even better if you do so in a sexy voice.

10. Porn is not worth losing a partner over, no matter where you stand on the issue.

11. You don’t have to share every sexual fantasy with your partner. In fact, we highly recommend you keep some to yourself.

12. If you like someone, just ask them out already. (And that goes for you ladies, too.) If they think you’re desperate or needy for asking, then screw them and the insecure horse they hobbled in on.

13. There’s no such thing as normal in bed, whether you’re graduating a virgin or you like to dress up like Rush Limbaugh to have sex. There’s only what you like… and what you don’t.

14. You don’t have to be friends with all your exes, and you certainly don’t have to be Facebook friends with them.

15. In the best relationships, sex keeps getting better. But this is not an excuse to settle for someone you don’t have chemistry with — sex can’t get that much better.

16. Finally, when sunbathing nude, don’t forget to put sunscreen on your nipples.

photo via flickr

Country singer Kip Moore doesn’t rhyme “truck” with “fuck” in his hit song “Somethin’ ‘Bout a Truck” — but he doesn’t have to. Every line of the song oozes sex. Screw rising gas prices and your neighbor with the Porsche, the implication goes: a truck is for getting laid in (in the most wholesome, American way possible): “Something about a kiss that’s gonna lead to more / On that dropped tailgate, back behind the corn.” It’s no wonder Chrysler has teamed up with Moore to help promote their gas-guzzling, sexy-time-enabling Ram trucks. Chrysler’s move inspired us to come up with our own guide to what your vehicle says about your sex life:

If you drive an old-school, beat-up pick-up truck… You like all-American, roll-around-in-the-hay sex followed by a cold beer. No fancy positions, no dirty talk, no sex toys, no multiple orgasms.

If you drive a brand-new pick-up truck… You like all-American, roll-around-in-the-hay sex, and you want to make sure that that’s the only kind of sex that every other other American is having too.

If you drive a Prius… You like silk blindfolds, scented ice cubes, and full-body massage.

If you drive a Lexus hybrid (that gets worse mileage than most non-hybrids)… You like to accessorize your love life with sex toys so long as they cost at least $500 each.

If you drive a new Beetle… You love fisting. “There’s so much more room in there than you’d think!”

If you drive a new Mini… You like a little light bondage. Nothing too painful or complicated, just a little discomfort via fuzzy handcuffs or a winter scarf used as a blindfold (especially if the winter scarf resembles Harry Potter’s).

If you drive a mini-van… You secretly wish your partner would take hints from 50 Shades of Grey.

If you drive an SUV… You like to have really loud sex to make your neighbors feel bad about their more muted sex life.

If you drive a Corvette, Porsche or a Ferrari… You secretly wish you had a larger penis. (What, did you expect us to reinvent the wheel on this one?!) Okay, okay: You also like pulling out for a “money shot.”

If you ride a motorcycle… You like edge play with no safe word.

If you ride a bicycle (on the East coast)… You like feminist porn and female ejaculation.

If you ride a bicycle (on the West coast)… You take your kink very seriously.

If you ride a bicycle (in the fly-over states)… You pretend that missionary is your favorite position to avoid getting beat up, while secretly enjoying full-costume role-play.

If you rollerblade… You enjoy three-ways, bum play, and double-ended dildos.

Last week we wrote about how to spot a hipster in the wild. Inspired by that, we decided to put together our own guide to spotting hipsters. Here are our top twenty ways to know you’re having sex with a hipster.

1. Hipsters love to 69.

2. Hipsters love to make sex tapes using their iPhone 4S.

3. Hipsters love the idea of open relationships, but they prefer booty calls with good buddies.

4. Hipsters love ironic tattoos in secret places. Yes, that’s a rainbow tramp stamp you’re looking at.

5. Hipster guys love to shave their a-holes.

6. Hipster girls love to shop for sex toys at Shag Brooklyn.

7. Hipster guys love to fantasize about the Suicide Girls, but they’d really rather hook up with someone they went to college with.

8. Hipster girls love to fantasize about being a Suicide Girl, but they worry too much what their dads would think.

9. Hipsters love screwing to the Yeah Yeah Yeahs. They like making love to Neutral Milk Hotel.

10. Hipsters love to leave their hat on.

11. Hipsters prefer “c*nt” to “p*ssy.”

12. Hipsters loved the prostate before it was cool.

13. Hipsters love to offer sugary kids’ cereals as a post-coital snack.

14. Hipsters would never be caught dead reading 50 Shades of Grey — they’ll claim that’s more suitable for their mom’s book club. Hipsters prefer the true stories on Nerve.com.

15. Hipsters believe women should come first.

16. Hipsters love handjobs.

17. Hipsters claim to love all kinds of threeways, but they’re really just comfortable with the MFF variety.

18. Hipsters’ feet always smell in bed due to their ratty old Converse low-tops.

19. Hipsters would make more eye contact in bed if their hair wasn’t in their eyes.

20. Hipsters love to have sex in positions you’ve never heard of.

photo via Flickr

Consider this advice on what NOT to say on a first (or second or third or fourth or fifth…) date:

1. You remind me of my ex.
2. I can’t stay out too late tonight — the season finale of “The Bachelorette” is on.
3. Cutco knives are so awesome.
4. I only cry during rom coms…and right after sex.
5. I should warn you, my penis is unusually large.
6. Contraception is not okay. It’s a license to do things in a sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be.
7. I can’t wait to show you my teddy bear collection.
8. Just a sec, I have to text back my mom.
9. The last novel I read? That one by Snooki.
10. It’s chilly, I should have worn my cape.

photo via flickr

And no, we’re not talking about sex on the beach. Call us square, but we fail to see how a sandy crotch improves anyone’s sex life. Not to mention a mouthful of seaweed. Here are ten much better reasons why the arrival of warm weather is good for your love life:

1. Picnics: Picnic dates are ridiculously affordable (literally the cost of a sandwich) and incredibly romantic. You know that awesome sex you have after a super-romantic night out at the opera or a weekend in Paris? Well now you can have that kind of sex anywhere you lay your picnic blanket.
2. Alfresco sex: Speaking of that picnic blanket: suddenly sex in the great outdoors won’t lead to genital frostbite (click here for our 10 Rules for Doing It in the Great Outdoors first — we don’t want you to give a family of backpackers an x-rated surprise).
3. No more chapped skin: Is there anything less sexy than hands and feet that are dry and chapped from the winter air? You go to stroke your partner’s leg and end up accidentally exfoliating them. In the winter, you climb into bed and reach for the hand lotion to grease up your cracked appendages. In summer you can reach for the lube instead.
4. Open windows: Have sex in bed with the windows open so you can feel the refreshing summer evening breeze… it’s like having an extra person in bed whose job it is to caress your bodies. (Without any of that awkwardness that typically accompanies a three-way.)
5. Ice cubes: If you’re too cheap (or too green) to turn on the A/C, grab a bowl of ice cubes to cool each other down instead. It’s environmentally responsible foreplay! (Just keep those ice cubes away from delicate internal linings in the vagina.)
6. Food for thought: Heavy winter comfort food doesn’t tend to be an aphrodisiac — the last thing you feel like doing after enjoying a bowl of Irish beef stew is having hot monkey sex. Freshly picked strawberries with whipped cream, on the other hand…
7. The drive-in is open! Who cares what’s playing, just show up and get busy in the back seat. If your town doesn’t have a drive-in, then rent a zip car and keep driving — with the windows open, natch — until you find one.
8. Sleep naked! No more flannel PJs. Which is kind of like saying, more doggie-style! Less spooning.
9. Drink alfresco: Sitting at a sidewalk table outside a bar (bonus points if you can see fireflies) and drinking an ice-cold beer or glass of rose just makes people happy. And by “happy” we mean horny.
10. Fewer layers. Everyone wears less in warmer weather — not just your partner, but that hottie at the office, your oddly attractive mail carrier, and the construction worker fixing a pothole in your street. We all like to look —  men and women alike — and in the summer we just have a little more to look at.

• This post is a part of Sundance Channel’s SUNfiltered Blog
• Get the SUNfiltered RSS feed

photo via Flickr

We were going to hold off on this for a few weeks, but the weather has been so beautiful recently (thank you, climate change!) and that means plenty of people will be feeling the need to answer the call of the wild. Here’s how to answer it responsibly:

1. First, and most importantly of all, make sure you know what poison ivy looks like. And then, duh, don’t shag on it.
2. If you’re in the mood for a little against-the-tree squirrel sex, then wear a skirt with no underwear and face your partner. Just be warned that this isn’t the most discreet way to do it, in case there are families picnicking in the next field over.
3. Actually, if there are families picnicking in the next field over, any kind of alfresco sex is gross.
4. Not to mention illegal. Another good reason to make damn good sure there is zero chance that an errant dog walker will happen upon you. Okay, so there’s never zero chance — and that’s at least half the fun, isn’t it? — but at least make sure you’re not in the middle of a hiking trail.
5. Take along a picnic blanket if you’d rather do it lying down, and keep on as many clothes as possible. This will cause minimal distress to accidental voyeurs, will make for a faster getaway if you get busted, and will better protect you against ticks, mosquitoes, poison sumac, sunburn, etc.
6. Speaking of ticks and bugs, we recommend lots of bug spray. NOT on any sensitive genitalia, of course, but remember: nothing kills the moment like a bum cheek under attack.
7. If you want to up the romance factor, do it under a starry sky — ward off the chill (and lower the exhibitionist factor) by zipping two sleeping bags together. By the way, the best position for inside a sleeping bag is low-impact missionary, where you’re rocking back and forth with the hips rather than thrusting athletically.
8. If you like the idea of being in the great outdoors but are willing to sacrifice the starry sky for a little privacy, then why not go on an overnight camping trip in the woods and get busy in the tent? Just be sure to turn off the flashlight first or else passersby will get quite a shadow-puppet show.
9. We’ve heard some scary rumors of sex noises attracting bears. Could be one of those rural legends, but when it comes to bear attacks, we’d play on the safe side. When in bear country, stick to spooning.
10. Good campers pack out what they pack in. Yes, we’re talking about your used condoms.

photo via flickr

A recent survey by Pew Internet and the American Life Project found that one in three teens had shared a password (email, Facebook, etc.) with a friend or boyfriend or girlfriend. Apparently sharing your password is the new way to express intimacy, to prove to your partner that you have nothing to hide. Um, hello Facebook hacking! (Aside: Did you know that if you work at Facebook HQ and accidentally leave your FB account logged in when you leave your desk, some jokester colleague will update your status to say that you are pooping? Apparently it’s a company tradition.) Anyway. Maybe teens don’t have any credit card digits to lose just yet, but identify theft (or even just unauthorized identity borrowing) can suck in junior high too. We hope we don’t need to explain what a terrible idea this is.

But just in case we do — and we get it: exchanging letterman jackets and class rings is so last century — here are five better ways to express your intimacy, for the love-struck teen inside us all.

1. Get tested together for STDs. To clarify: forgoing the condom (before getting tested) doesn’t prove you have nothing to hide — it just makes you look like a dumb-ass.
2. Put your partner at the top of your speed dial list. You can even give them a special ring-tone.
3. Tag them in a cheeky status update on Facebook. Or proclaim your love @ them in a Tweet.
4. Get matching henna tattoos. Because matching permanent tattoos ranks right up there with sharing your password: 99% of you will come to regret it. Can you say “Wino Forever”?
5. Don’t have anything to hide! Don’t cheat, don’t lie, don’t talk trash behind someone’s back. If you’re honest to the core, you won’t need to prove it, because honesty speaks for itself.

• This post is a part of Sundance Channel’s SUNfiltered Blog
• Get the SUNfiltered RSS feed

photo via flickr

If we had to distill our entire body of sex advice into one word, it would probably be this: communicate. Before sex, during sex, after sex — speak up, people! It’s the only way to get what you need and want, and to make sure that your partner is getting what they need and want, too. But this doesn’t mean that all talk is good. Below is a list of the ten worst things to say during sex, a.k.a. how to kill a good buzz in one sentence or less.

1. “Who sings this song?” … We’re big fans of a soundtrack for sex, but the music should be ambiance only. Sure, everyone’s mind wanders during at times, but try to hold that thought and Google the song later. Same goes for singing along to a song during sex — just don’t.
2. “What?” … There’s nothing worse than whispering a sordid dirty nothing in your partner’s ear and having them say “What was that?” Some things just don’t bear repeating. Of course, it’s kind of an awkward moment when you know your partner just said something, and you have no idea if it was “Do you know how hot you make me?” or “Can I put this in your butt?” Try something a little more subtle than “Huh?” though, such as, “Say that again” in your huskiest voice.
3. “My ex did this awesome thing with my nipples–” … It’s okay to ask your partner to do something awesome that your ex once did. Just try and be a bit subtle about it. No names, genius. And no instructions so bossy and precise that it’s clear you’re trying to replicate a moment. Guide your partner there gently.
4. “No, not like that!” … Speaking of: When you’re directing your partner, speak in positives unless something really hurts or your partner just doesn’t get it. Tell them, specifically, what to do, rather than what not to do. Enthuse loudly when they get it right and guide them with your hands and body when they don’t.
5. “Deeper!” … Ladies, we hope we don’t need to explain why this is a terrible thing to say in bed. Say harder, say faster, say more, say fuck me…say anything else.
6. “Is that pee?” … Unless you’re both so drunk that you can’t see straight, chances are the lady ejaculated.
7. “This never happens”or “Huh, that usually works.” … Whether you’re a man with a flagging erection or a woman who’s not climaxing in her usual way, try not to imply that your partner — being the only variable in the equation — is the problem. You may not mean this, but they’ll probably hear it that way.
8. “Ew.” … Bodies are gross. They’re hairy, they get zits, they make impolite noises and smells — and we’re just talking about the ladies! This is a fact of life for all humans, except perhaps for those genetic freaks who can make a living as professional models — and even they are airbrushed! When you and another person get naked together, loosen up, start sweating, and do it like they do it on the Discovery Channel, you might see, hear, and smell some uncivilized things. Don’t make a big deal about it. Don’t point and laugh. And if you’re the culprit, don’t do a Dutch oven.
9. “I don’t mind.” … This is a terrible answer to the question, “What do you want to do tonight?” — at least in the early stages of dating — and it’s always a terrible answer to the question, “What do you want me to do to you?” Have an opinion, have a suggestion, or at least have an adjective at the ready (hard, fast, gentle, naughty, whatever).
10. “Did you come?” … If you have to ask…

This article also appeared on EdenFantasys.com

photo by nimAdestiny

The midnight New Year’s kiss is the stuff that Hollywood movie climaxes are made of. Help yours live up to the hype by following these 15 rules:

1. Even though it IS New Year’s, don’t expect a midnight kiss from your date. Remember, kissing is so intimate an act that not even Julia Robert’s hooker character in Pretty Woman would allow her johns to osculate her.
2. That said, there’s nothing wrong with being prepared. Right before you leave the house, brush your tongue as well as your teeth and put a tin of mints in your pocket for a post-drinking pre-midnight touch up (gum is tacky). Because bad breath makes every other tip on this list moot.
3. Oh, and moisturize – chapped lips are a bummer.
4. But go easy on the glam gloss. We know it’s a festive New Year’s party, but three coats of red lipstick or thick sticky goo make you about as kissable as a bulldog with gum disease.
5. Try to pick up on any signs that your date may not be into a midnight kiss (e.g. at 11:59pm they either excuse themselves to the bathroom, they are in the middle of an in-depth debate on Middle East politics with a group of nerds, or they make a plate with a big pile of spinach garlic dip). You can still try, just move slowly and give them a chance to turn you down. No swift “sucker punches.”
6. Don’t lick your lips when going in for the kiss, lest you look like the Big Bad Wolf sizing up his next meal.
7. Do not open your mouth so much wider than your partner’s that it appears as if you are trying to eat their head. Kissing is not a Mick Jagger impersonation contest, no matter what Maroon 5 says.
8. Use restraint when it comes to tongue (i.e. don’t think of this as “tonsil hockey”). Keep it romantic at midnight and save the passion for 2am.
9. No matter how much tongue you decide to use, keep it soft and flat, not pointy like an eel.
10. Keep your salivation in check – sloppiness does not equate passion.
11. Assuming you’re in the middle of a party, don’t let this become an extended public make-out session. If anyone yells “Get a room,” you’ve held the lip lock too long.
12. It’s an over-the-top holiday so an over-the-top move like a dip is acceptable (again, so long as it’s clear your date is into the kiss in the first place).
13. Grabbing someone’s face is romantic so long as you are not holding their head to keep them from pulling away.  Putting someone in a headlock so they cannot escape your kisser is not only rude, it is criminal.
14. Savor the smooching and save the boob groping and crotch grabbing for a little later.
15. If your kissee turns you down or pulls away quickly after just a peck, resist getting mad or pouty. Even if you are dying of humiliation or crying on the inside, maintain a cool and calm exterior. You can kill yourself later.

Happy New Year!

photo by Derek Purdy

Here are twenty totally do-able New Year’s resolutions to improve your love life in 2011. Learn them, live them, love them!

1. Ask for what you want.
2. Keep learning new things.
3. Let go of shame.
4. Be a stickler about safer sex.
5. Go for quality rather than quantity.
6. Don’t hold grudges in your relationship.
7. Believe in love (and lust) at first sight.
8. Think outside the box.
9. Consider the possibilities of household items (neckties, spatulas, etc).
10. Drop the routine.
11. Complain less.
12. Compliment more.
13. Do your Kegels (men too!).
14. Send (more) love texts.
15. Send (more) dirty texts (but no images!).
16. Invest in at least one high quality sex toy.
17. Reciprocate.
18. Make out like you did in high school.
19. Vow never to use Facebook, Twitter or texting as a means for breaking up.
20. Watch less TV.

This column also appeared in print in Metro