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Comment of the Week: An Easy Trick to Avoid Ruining Your Relationship Forever

September 17, 2014

1 Comment


photo via flickr

One reader emailed us their best relationship advice, not in response to a specific post, but just ’cause. So we wanted to share:

Me and my girl broke up after 8 years together. She was wonderful and I was a fool. I did everything wrong. So my advice is:  if you’re thinking of doing something wrong towards your other half, close your eyes, imagine your life without her/him and if it looks better, do your thing. The heartache and depression I’ve been feeling is awful. It’s like being punched in the gut every minute of the day. Def would do a lot of things differently if I had it to do again.

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10 Best Things About Married Sex

September 17, 2014

0 Comments

Married sex is like the redheaded stepchild of the booty world — at least, according to TV and movies. In that world, married sex is overly lit and played for laughs, whereas all the other kinds of sex — casual sex, new sex, cheating sex, ex sex — get the sultry soundtrack and rumpled sheets.

So we are here to remind you of ten reasons — yes, we managed to come up with ten — why married sex is awesome.

1. You Have Advanced Degrees in Each Other’s Bodies

You know where to let your hands wander — and where not to. Your partner knows exactly what you like — and what you can’t stand — so you won’t ever again have to figure out a nice way of saying, “What is that weird thing you keep doing with your nose during oral sex? And can you please not do it ever again?”

2. Good Sex Can Happen Fast When You Need It To

Those advanced degrees mean that sex doesn’t always need to take an hour. Because five minutes of getting the job done is better than forty-five minutes of ineffectual dilly-dallying, especially when you have to be up with the birds the next morning. Also, it’s okay to say, ”Wanna have sex as soon as my show is finished?” In fact, sometimes that’s all it takes to get in the mood.

3. Sex Can Be Hilarious

All the stuff that used to mortify you when you were single and dating is now more entertaining than a reel of news bloopers: unexpected bodily emissions (a well-timed queef can be entertaining for days); trying and failing at a complicated position; accidentally getting certain substances in your ear during the money shot; a pillow that keeps getting in your way like an unwelcome third wheel; etc., etc.

4. You Can Be Fully in the Moment

Yeah, yeah, we know there are kids and work problems and dirty laundry and all the usual life stuff that can distract you from good sex. That’s life. But you’re not distracted by thinking, Does this person really like me? I wonder if I’ll ever hear from them again? I wonder what they think of my boob size/penis size/oral technique? Should I stay the night? Will I climax? Did my partner climax? Did they just wince when I got near their nipples? Where did my nose ring go? And so on and on and on and on.

5. You Make Your Own Normal

Forget about the Joneses, they’re not sleeping in your bed. When you’re married, you’re each other’s yardstick for what’s “normal.” If you like sex once a month — and the two of you agree on this — then that’s your normal. If you both like a strict diet of missionary, then that’s cool too. You swing every other Friday with the neighbors? Then it’s just your typical Friday night. Whatever positions, whatever schedule, whatever approach — whatever works for the two of you is all good, and screw everyone else.

6. Kink Works Better

Really naughty sex requires negotiation, communication, and trust. When you’re married, you (should) have these things in spades, and they’re not buzz kills, either! So you can experiment with bondage, power roles, sharing fantasies, even pain, and it’s much less likely that someone will end up in the emergency room (or in tears)! Plus, the more intimate and domestic and settled your day-to-day life is, the hotter it is to break out the handcuffs at night.

 7. STDs Are a Thing of the Past (If You’re a Monogamous Married Couple)

So long, condoms. So long, crabs. So long, douchey partners who lie about their sexual history. So long, that late-night panic of, “Is that herpes or just a really big pimple?!”

8. Simultaneous Orgasms

Sure, these aren’t guaranteed with married sex, but the more times you sleep with the same person — someone you love and trust and are committed to — the more likely this is to happen. You know each other’s timing, each other’s bodies, each other’s hot spots, and you’ll be comfortable bringing vibrating toys to bed to help even the orgasmic playing field. (You are comfortable doing that, yes? Because if you’re not, then you’re not doing married sex right!)

9. You Can Take Each Other for Granted

Not that you should do this all the time, but you’re allowed to do it some of the time.  Assuming you have a healthy marriage and you communicate well and often, sex will probably be there for you when you need it — at least at some point, even if it’s not as often as you’d like. You don’t need to hit the town and hope you get lucky. You don’t always need to shave your legs. You don’t need to suck in your stomach and present your good side. Warning: If you take married sex (or your married love) for granted too often, you may find married sex less reliable than it used to be!

10. You Can Get Better

Sex doesn’t automatically get better over time, but it does if you want it to! And having sex doesn’t necessarily make you better at sex — after all, everyone is different in bed — but having sex with the same person, over and over again, absolutely makes you better at having sex with that same person. In other words, married people have no excuse not to be sex gods and goddesses — at least in the eyes of their spouse!

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How to Convince Two (Straight) Guys to Have a Threeway

September 16, 2014

3 Comments

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week a straight woman asks, “How can I can convince two hetero dudes to have a threeway with me?”

Straight Married Guy (Ben): What you really need to do is figure out if the MMF threeway is a “Yes,” a “No,” or a “Maybe” for these guys. Yes? No problem — go for it. No? it’s never going to happen – stop wasting your time. Maybe? Well, then it’s negotiable. And, while it’s easiest just to come out and ask, you can also test the waters by sharing “a sexy dream you had,” or confessing a fantasy after a few drinks. Truth or Dare can be a good gateway game to finding out who’s a “Maybe.”

The “Maybes” are the ones that need convincing, and what that really means is setting some ground rules. Maybe it’s no guy/guy touching. Maybe it’s lots of touching but no kissing. Maybe it’s only one cock visible at a time. Whatever. If it’s a “Maybe” for your guy, the question becomes, “What do you need to make this threesome happen?” And that is a question that can be answered.

Straight Single Guy (Max): Barring the possibility that you could trick these “hetero” dudes into your lair (using beer, snacks or Ahnold movies) I’d say that your best bet is to try and wiggle your way into the arms of two friends or, even better, the bromance. Face it: a lot of guys go by the super homophobic rule of “as long as the balls don’t touch,” so you’re much better off finding two guys that are as comfortable with one another’s body as they are with their joint egos. After that, your best policy is honesty. You can’t be coy about getting two guys at the same time, so I’d say be up front: “If you boys want me, you’re going to have to share. I’ll be in that room. Come find me?” Oh, and please end any threeway with a lot of high fives. They’re free, and you deserve it.

Gay Committed Guy (Mark):

1. Get them drunk.
2. If that doesn’t work, you’re on your own. And when you find out, let me know.
3. “Dudes”?

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Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors. This week’s Straight Married Guy is Ben, a writer and artist living in Los Angeles. Our Committed Gay Guy, Mark, is a writer and teacher in NYC, and our Single Straight Guy, Max, is a recent college grad in New England. To ask the guys your own question, click here.



Your Call: Is It Fine for a Grown, Non-Religious Man to Be Celibate?

September 15, 2014

5 Comments


photo via Flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE*
Advice Service!

 

 

Dear Em & Lo,

Is this weird?: Intelligent, sarcastic, and attractive early 40′s male who will find any manner to exit a situation that may lead to intimacy. He’s been celibate for a year or so (work is his love) and basically thinks sex is unnecessary and far too overrated anyway. Although he’s very interested in getting attention (he is a pretty darn fascinating guy actually) and making sure dates enjoy his company, he has just made a point to avoid all the baggage and nonsense and time consumption that comes with sex.  Is this more common than people think?  Or is it abnormal?  And ultimately, does it really matter, as he’s definitely not a player nor a user so nobody gets hurt anyway…? Or is this all wrong?

– What Gives?

What should WG do? Leave your advice in the comments section below.


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10 Reasons to Become a Submissive (If Only for a Night)

September 12, 2014

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LELO’s Etherea Silk Cuffs

  1. You want a little freedom from all your daily responsibilities.
  2. You’ve been with your partner for a while and things are getting a little routine.
  3. You kinda like being held down and tickled.
  4. You think our book on the topic “150 Shades of Play” is fascinating.
  5. You don’t want to over-think things in the sack, you just want to get caught up in the moment.
  6. You enjoyed acting in high school and want an excuse to be more theatrical.
  7. You’re sick of having to make decisions.
  8. You’re shy and you have a hard time taking initiative in bed.
  9. You’re not shy, you always take the initiative, and you’re ready for a change.
  10. You think you could do a hell of lot better job than Anastasia Steele.

You don’t have to adopt a new permanent “lifestyle” just because you’re a little curious about BDSM. You can simply choose to spend an evening being submissive and let your trusted partner call all the shots for a change. By being (temporarily) submissive in the bedroom, you don’t have to do anything…except what you’re told. Which is not to say that you’re passive; you are receptive, responsive, appreciative, grateful. And no, there’s no correlation between social, economic, or mental status and your power preference. Being dominated isn’t demeaning; it’s fun! So set some ground rules, set a time limit, come up with a safeword that means “time out,” and then take it and like it.

For more BDSM tips, check out our latest book ”150 Shades of Play“.

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Dream Interpretation: Why Do I Cheat On My Boyfriend in My Dreams?

September 11, 2014

1 Comment

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it (18 and older only, please). This week, a reader asks Lauri:

I keep having dreams that I cheat on my boyfriend. We have been dating for about a year, and we’re very much in love. I have absolutely no interest in cheating on him whatsoever. However, in the past week, I’ve dreamt about cheating twice. The first time, with an old fling. The second time, with a (married) man I do not know. Each time there was sex involved. My boyfriend and I have a SUPER healthy sex life; I am not dissatisfied. But I am, however, confused. What do these dreams mean, and why do I keep having them?

Lauri: Cheating in the dream world is a very common occurrence; however, we tend to be the cheated more than be the cheater. In either case, it is usually because,  in real life, there is some form of a third wheel in the relationship — and it’s usually a thing rather than a person. By thing I mean work, a project, a hobby some sort of extracurricular activity that is taking a lot of the dream cheater’s time and attention.

You’re the cheater in this case, so what is it you are giving yourself to more than you should? Or perhaps more than your boyfriend would like? Hanging with your friends? Taking selfies? (Kidding!) Your job? Whatever it is, deep down you know it is causing somewhat of a divide… it is causing you, or perhaps just your boyfriend, to feel “cheated” out of quality time together.

If you can cut back on the amount of time you devote to this third wheel activity, you probably should. If you can’t because your income or education depends on it, then make sure the time you spend with your boyfriend is well spent and that he feels like HE is #1 in your life, not this other time and attention sucking element. When you do that, your subconscious guilt will ease up and the dreams will stop.

Visit Lauri’s brand new site, WhatYourDreamMeans.com, for even more dream interpretations! If you want to be able to figure out your own dreams every morning, then check out her latest book, Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, which will give you the tools you need to become a dream expert, too. Check out all of Lauri’s books here.

 

 

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Do Guys Really Care If Their Girlfriend Has a Higher Body Count?

September 9, 2014

3 Comments


photo via flickr

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: Does the average hetero guy really care if his girlfriend/wife has had sex with more people than he has? And if so, why?

Straight Married Guy (Jamie): I may be somewhat in the minority here in that, while I have an extremely liberal philosophy about sex, I haven’t had a particularly high number of sexual partners (I was always a “girlfriend guy” and just didn’t rack up the big numbers).  I’ve also never bought into the whole men-as-players/women-as-sluts double standard.  Many of the female friends I admire most have had lots of sexual partners, but are also all well-adjusted, independent women.  To be honest, I’ve always been more attracted to women who have an air of worldliness.  I think it’s a turn-on to be with a woman who is confident sexually and knows what she likes.  And if that confidence came at the hands (or whatever) of more former lovers then I’ve had, well that’s just fine by me.

Gay Engaged Guy (Joel Derfner, author of Swish): As a gay man living in a major metropolitan city, I’ve lost track of the amount of sex I’ve had.  How then can I hold a partner to a different standard?  I recommend that everybody have enough sex so that both the boy and the girl can honestly say, “I’m not really sure,” and leave it at that.  That said, I asked my straight cousin, whose wife has always been very sexually free, and he said that his biggest worry had been that their kids’ attitude toward sex would develop far too early as a result, but this has turned out not to be the case.  I loathe children, so I’m going to stick with the “I’m not really sure” recommendation.

Straight Single Guy (L.A. Chris): Totally. He also cares if she’s stronger, smarter, or wealthier than he is. It comes down to our primal need for dominance. Unless a guy’s got a fetish or extreme dominance in one of those areas (i.e., a body-builder won’t care about a girl’s bulging biceps), it’s a turn-off to be second banana or subordinate. Truth be told, he’ll also feel a little bit jealous (it’s a big competition between guys since we were teenagers). And lastly, we want our girl to be a virgin slut, and we need to pretend that if we’re not the first, then at least we’re the best.

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Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Gay Engaged Guy is Joel Derfner, author of SwishTo ask the guys your own question, click here.



Where Can We Swing with Other Grownups (Minus the A-Holes)?

September 8, 2014

4 Comments


image of Bruce Nauman light show via flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Some days, we simply don’t have the time, and others — like today — we don’t have a clue. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Yay for crowd-sourcing grownup swinging! Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE*
Advice Service!

 

Dear Em & Lo,

As a married ‘straightish’ couple we have had a very serious love affair for the last 26 years, 25 married. We take pride in our lust for each other and the frequent passionate sex we have. Naturally as we have matured, there have been times we needed to work harder than others to keep the bedtime romps above our 3 times a week threshold (one of us starts to lose it when sex drops below that).

We sleep naked, we shower together and we text and talk dirty fairly often. We’ve had sex in planes, trains, cars, parks, on beaches… Then a few years ago we took a huge risk and visited a Las Vegas sex (swingers) club. It freaked us both out and we ran from it. Then a year ago we tried again at a new venue in NYC called Bowery Bliss.

The first time there was enjoyable enough to both warrant a second visit and to ramp-up our sexual appetite for several weeks after. We were having incredible sex more than 5 times a week. The next few visits were also worthy, with other younger couples gravitating to us and being stunned when they learned of our long marriage and age… then the place changed a bit. The types of couples attending changed too. The sex seemed more mechanical and less passionate… more gratuitous than real sex with real couples. It seemed earlier visits were truer to the rule that woman are in charge and the last two visits were more about guys being guys rather than women being catered to. On one recent visit we didn’t even bother to have sex in the club at all… a first.

We are not sure we will attend that venue again and wonder if we will try anywhere else. So we need to find a way to replace that great experience and hope to find similar adventures somehow.

My wife has high standards when it comes to her sexual satisfaction and activities. Lesbian sex is a big turn on to her and we have yet to find that experience beyond watching porn.

Is there a way or place to find lesbian couples interested in flirting or playing with a bi-sexual woman who is happily married? Are there places like Bowery Bliss that caters to more bisexual and lesbian cliental?

– Mr. and Mrs. Jones

Any thoughts on where Mr. and Mrs. Jones could swing with like-minded grownups, no douches allowed? Leave your suggestions in the comments section below.

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Dear Em & Lo: Am I Being Too Selfish In Bed?

September 3, 2014

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Dear Em & Lo,

Every time my boyfriend and I “engage,” he turns me on then asks me to give him a BJ. After I do, I’m not as interested anymore. It happens every time. I’m very uncomfortable when I perform a BJ, and it takes away from the pleasure.

I want to know if it’s normal for me to lose interest so quickly, and if I’m being selfish by not wanting to please and not be pleased (he also prefers me to blow him without sex a lot).

Also, why does he ask for head more than sex? Am I doing something wrong sexually, or is it normal?

– Uptown Girl Living in a Downtown World

Dear U.G.L.I.A.D.W.,

We would answer you, except that you’re asking the wrong questions. So, before we can answer your questions, we’re going to rephrase them for you. Here’s what you should have asked:

Q: Is it normal for my boyfriend to ask for a BJ every time we “engage”?

[A: No.]

Q: Is it selfish of him to expect to be pleased without pleasing me?

[A: Hell yes!]

Q: Is it okay if he prefers me to blow him without sex a lot?

[A: If it's not okay with you, then: Hell no!]

Q: Is he doing something wrong sexually?

[A: YES YES YES YES YES!!! He is paying zero attention to your needs and desires and instead treating you like a human suction machine.]

Okay, so maybe one of your questions did need to be asked:

Q: Am I doing something wrong sexually?

[A: Yes you are! Does your boyfriend have any idea that you feel the way you do? Have you told him? Because before you can accuse him of being a terrible listener, you have to start talking. We're sure your body is giving off plenty of negative cues, but guys can be pretty blind to those cues, especially when oral is on the table.]

So: Speak up, girl! Start asking the right questions… of him. And if he still won’t listen, then find yourself a decent Uptown Boy instead.

Kisses,

Em & Lo

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Your Call: Help, My Husband Has ZERO Sex Drive!

September 2, 2014

6 Comments


photo via Flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE*
Advice Service!

 

 

Dear Em & Lo,

I’ve been married for four months and my husband has no drive. We are both in our 20′s and he refuses me all the time and I am hurt. He bought me a toy but when I use it he calls me disgusting and nasty. Help me! I am drowning in my marriage. It’s his way or the highway.

– Like the Desert Needs the Rain

What should LtDNtR do? Leave your advice in the comments section below.


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