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Top 10 Sex Tips for College Students (Especially First-Years)

August 27, 2014

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For many young women and men, the end of August marks the start of a new chapter of life — one of higher learning, critical thinking, problem solving, horizon broadening, and lots and lots of casual bonking. It’s a whole new world of unchaperoned independence and freedom combined with 18-year-old hormones — which can result in a lot of really bad life decisions. If you are the kind of wise-beyond-your-years person who only has sober sex with people you’re in a committed relationship with, more power to you! If not, follow these rules to save yourself  from (at least some) sex-related humiliation and regret up in your ivory tower.

  1. Keep your condom shelf fully stocked at all times. Whether you’re a man or a woman, make sure you keep a healthy supply of condoms on hand, for you, for your friends, for friends of friends. Invest in decent ones, with lubrication (but not spermicide), because everyone could use a little rehydration after a night of drinking (and, good or bad, many of you will have been drinking…heavily – see tip #3). Replace the condoms when they get close to their expiration date — because the only thing worse than not having a condom is having one that breaks mid sesh.
  2. Carry a condom on you at all times. Do you see a theme here? (And we don’t want to hear about how we’re living in a “post-AIDs/HPV-vaccine world” in which condoms are no longer a requirement; STDs still exist!) You never know when nookie is around the corner, especially on nights out. Keep a condom (more if you can manage it) cool and dry in a purse or loose pocket, not crammed in an overstuffed wallet or squeezed into the back pocket of your skinny jeans.
  3. Don’t do it drunk. Chances are, you will get drunk. Too drunk. Way too drunk. Probably on more than one occasion. We’re not talking about a good, healthy buzz — because let’s face it, that’s the most likely time sex is going to happen for you this year — no, we’re talking completely sloshed. And when that happens, when your balance starts to fail and your voice gets really loud and the room spins a bit, try with all your might NOT to hook up. Have a friend or three on hand who’ve got your back (and will tell you when to “turn back/back off now”). Because the chances of it not going well are exceedingly high. Think: poor sexual performance, blackouts, accusations of date rape, actual date rape, mid-sesh vomiting, forgotten birth control, accidental pregnancy, viral videos, the list goes on.
  4. Have a no hook-up zone. Ground zero is your dorm room and the zone radiates out from there. The closer anyone lives to ground zero, the less advised you are to hook up with them. So: students in other dorms = fair game. Students in same dorm = proceed with caution. Students on same floor = enter (or be entered) at your own risk. Immediate neighbors = turn back now! Roommate = NO!!! And while we’re on the topic of roommates, have respect for yours — don’t keep locking them out while you’re showing someone your dorm room etchings, especially on nights before exams.
  5. Don’t sleep with anyone to get them to like you. This will not work. Sleep with someone because you are attracted to them and would like to have sex now, but only if you can do so without any expectations of a future relationship. If you think sex tonight means you’re dating tomorrow, think again.
  6. Avoid having sex in a fraternity/sorority house. But especially a fraternity house. Because in close-knit community living like that there are no boundaries: people will walk in on you while you’re doing it. Sometimes they’ll stay. They might try to take pictures.
  7. Don’t hook up with your friends’ exes. We know college is inherently incestuous. But you’ve got four more years with your friends. Don’t make it awkward.
  8. Be open and honest about STDs. You’re jumping into a pool of smart, well educated, fun, attractive, decent people — many of whom have sexually transmitted diseases. Hell, you probably have one right now too! There’s nothing shameful about that — it’s just statistics. But that doesn’t mean you can shirk your civic responsibility to be honest about anything you’ve got that might be transferrable — oral herpes counts too! The more people talk about it, the less stigma there will be, and the smarter everyone can be about protecting themselves and the ones they lust.
  9. Don’t schtupp your professor. It’s so cliche. The affair might feel naughty and transgressive, but ultimately it’s an abuse of power on their part. Plus, it’s not worth it for the inevitable mediocre B you’ll get.
  10. Get familiar with your health center, campus security, and your school’s policy related to sexual assault.  The health center is your friend: a good one will have free condoms, STD information and check-ups, Plan B and pregnancy tests. Familiarize yourself with campus security: put their number in your phone and memorize it, call them if you need to be picked up or any other kind of help, and know where all the emergency phones are on campus. Finally, now that schools are being forced to actually do something about the on-campus sexual assault epidemic (according to a 2007 study funded by the National Institute of Justice, one in five women will become the victim of an attempted or complete sexual assault during college), review your own school’s current policy so you know your rights and whether you need to insist your school do more.

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Why You Should Lie When He Asks About His Penis Size

August 26, 2014

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Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: If a guy asks me how I think his penis ranks size-wise, and I honestly think it’s a little on the small side or perhaps too skinny, what do you think the best approach is?

Straight Married Guy (Fred): I’ll start answering this question with another question:  If I honestly think a woman is on the big side or perhaps a little chubby and she asks me if she’s fat, what do you think the best approach is? Of course I tell her that she looks great. But there’s a difference between these two situations: she can eat a healthier diet and exercise but he can’t do anything about his size. She may even be looking for a little motivation with the question, but it’s still polite to fib in this instance. Which means it’s imperative to fib in the other instance. Tell him that you think his size is great. You can add that you’ve seen bigger and, more importantly, you’ve seen smaller, and that he’s just right.  Adding that too big can be uncomfortable is always a good tidbit as well.  Being honest in this case will only serve to make him forever self-conscious or even more self-conscious than he already is (men hear all the time that “It’s not the size of the boat but the motion of the ocean,” but men also see the widening eyes and devilish smiles when women talk about sizable, girthy man-sausage). A finessed answer can give him the confidence that most women find attractive and will more than make up for his tiny dick.

Straight Single Guy (Chris): This is an easy one: Lie. If you tell the truth (“It’s kind of too skinny…”) his penis may never again work for you, ever. Put yourself in his shoes, “Are my boobs big enough for you? You seem to always look at girls with big boobs when they walk by…” Would you really want him to say “Well, honey, your boobs are cute, but they are much smaller than I prefer. If I could use magic to change you, I would give you natural 34DD’s.” So lie. But before you do, you need to know is that if his penis is small-ish, he already knows. He is already sensitive about it, and he is just hoping you haven’t been with any well-endowed men. So if you overcompensate with an outright fabrication such as, “It’s huge. It’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen,” he will know you are lying to spare his feelings and he will feel even worse. So just say, “Honestly, it’s not the biggest one I’ve ever seen, but it works great for me and you are fantastic in bed. Let’s do it right now!” Trust me, this is the only answer that can work.
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Your Call: Should My Fiance Throw Out Memorabilia of His Ex?

August 26, 2014

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We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
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Dear Em & Lo,

I hate that my fiancĂ© keeps so many photos of his ex-girlfriend. They aren’t framed on the wall or anything, but he has hundreds of photos of their time together — beach vacations where she’s wearing a bikini, cute couple shots, etc etc. He also keeps love letters she wrote for him and things she made for him. I hate the idea that I sometimes come across this stuff when I’m hunting for an envelope or a pair of scissors, but he says he shouldn’t have to pretend that part of his life never existed. What do you think?

– Domestic Censor

What should Domestic Censor do? Leave your advice in the comments section below.

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5 Ways to Spice Up a One-Night Stand

August 22, 2014

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photo via Flickr

One-night stands are inherently pretty spicy, what with all the excitement of the unknown. But they offer a unique opportunity to expand your sexual repertoire without the possibility of being judged or shamed (at least not by someone you know and love). Next time you take a beautiful stranger back to your place for a one-night stand, take advantage of that opportunity to experiment with acts that you would consider out of character. (And no, we don’t mean letting them tie you up — remember, kids: don’t stare at the sun, don’t run with scissors, and don’t let strangers or vengeful exes tie you up in bed!) Whatever you end up doing, your one-nighter won’t think it’s out of character and therefore unusual — because you’ve only just met! One-night standers who fail to get it on a little naughtier are missing out on half the fun.

  1. If you normally let your partner take the reins in the bedroom, be bossy for a change. Or vice versa.
  2. If you and your previous partners’ clothes always quickly ended up in a pile at your feet, be a little bit more deliberate in the undressing this time around: undress your partner before you let them take off your clothes, or have them lie back and watch you strip ever so slowly, or you could even dare to do a little strip tease!
  3. If your usual dirty talk is limited to “don’t stop” and “oh god,” then try to expand your naughty vocabulary and verbalize a bit more (if the lights are out, they won’t see you blush).
  4. Try that ridiculous position you’ve always been curious about: the wheelbarrow, the jackhammer, doggy-style (remember, “kinky” is a relative term).
  5. If you’ve always wanted to role-play but were worried your ex-partners would laugh at you, tonight’s the night to embrace your inner superhero/farmhand/spanking professor.

Remember, it’s important to practice safer sex — even more so with one-night stands: always carry your own quality condoms and oral sex dams, discuss sexual history beforehand, let a friend know where you’re going and who you’re going with, and go with your gut (i.e. if something doesn’t feel right, don’t do it).

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Dream Interpretation: I Dreamed My Boyfriend Was Two People

August 21, 2014

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Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it (18 and older only, please). This week, a reader asks Lauri:

I had an interesting dream last night where I had been with my boyfriend for a while, but I had began to develop feelings for a new man. The current boyfriend I was with was stubborn, aggressive, impolite, and disrespectful, while the new one was generous, funny, sweet, gentle, and in turn, much more handsome and attractive to me, than my current, not-so-kind boyfriend.

The new man and I would passionately kiss and hold hands and talk about how nice it was being with each other, behind my boyfriend’s back. The thing was that my negative boyfriend and the positive new man were friends — since before I knew either of them. One day the three of us were all together in my room and all of a sudden I started kissing the newer man in front of my boyfriend! My boyfriend became enraged and I felt so guilty. He said I could never speak to his friend again and that he was so stupid for trusting the two of us.

It wasn’t until I woke up that I realized that my boyfriend of two years was both of these men. The current boyfriend I was with had all the less attractive qualities of my boyfriend, while the new man had all his amazing qualities that encourage me to be with him today.

Our relationship has been a little rocky lately and his bipolar sometimes gets in the way of his better qualities. I love him very much and I see us being together for quite some time. I feel this dream has to mean something though. Does it?

Lauri: It certainly does! Bipolar is a very difficult disorder to have and to manage. And that’s what you have to do: manage it, with medication, routine, etc. The loved ones of the individual with bipolar have to manage it as well, and that is precisely what this dream is trying to help you do.

I always say, we are so much wiser when we dream; it is when we do our best thinking. Your dream is giving you a new perspective on your boyfriend’s disorder by showing him to you as two different people… two very different people that both love you. So if you can perceive him as the two boyfriends in your dream, and treat him as such, it may help you quite a bit in real life.

When he’s the aggressive, impolite boyfriend, try to be a calming force for him. When he’s the sweet and funny boyfriend, enjoy the hell out of him. But keep in mind, no matter which boyfriend you are with at any given time, that boyfriend loves you.

Oh, and the guilt you feel in the dream, and your boyfriend’s anger about you kissing and enjoying the other boyfriend — that is really YOUR own guilt. You may find yourself feeling guilty over thoughts of disliking him when he is impolite and stubborn. Don’t beat yourself up over it. That’s natural and it’s okay.

 

Visit Lauri’s brand new site, WhatYourDreamMeans.com, for even more dream interpretations! If you want to be able to figure out your own dreams every morning, then check out her latest book, Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, which will give you the tools you need to become a dream expert, too. Check out all of Lauri’s books here.

 

 

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Why He Didn’t Call or Text When He Said He Would

August 19, 2014

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Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: Why didn’t he call  (or text/email/Gchat/et al) when he said he would?

Straight Married Guy (Matt): There’s a simple answer to this one: it doesn’t matter. Most women I know get very worked up over this, and it never helps anything. It could be one of ten thousand possible reasons, and there is no chance that sitting and discussing it with your friends ad infinitum or stressing about it is going to help anything. It might just be some reason that has nothing to do with you (family problem, work problem, some other unrelated problem), or hey, maybe he likes you and he scared off the last woman he liked, so he’s forcing himself to pull back a little — or maybe your worst fear is true, and he isn’t actually into you.

You won’t figure any of this out by sitting there and worrying about it or analyzing every tidbit of your last conversation or email exchange looking for clues, so what’s the point? My advice is to do everything possible not to obsess over the guy’s delay in calling. Distract yourself with whatever you can, even a date or flirtation with someone else if that’s what it takes. And if he never calls back, fuck him. At least you can feel good about not having wasted all that time sitting by your phone.

Straight Single Guy (Colin): Let’s be optimistic for a moment. Maybe he was debating how long he should wait to call so that he wouldn’t seem desperate. But now he’s waited too long and feels silly calling so long after the fact. Okay now let’s be realistic. Most likely this guy fell into the trap we all do sometimes, saying what we think we should say instead of what we actually think. Maybe the sparks weren’t there and he didn’t have the heart to tell you. Try to get in touch with him if you can. But if he’s still flakey, give him a quick kick to the curb and move on.

Gay Committed Guy (Terence): While tempted to say, “He’s just not that…” I think not calling is more likely because the alcohol has worn off and/or another woman is already on the side. When a guy wants to get laid, and let’s face it, if he’s asking for your number, then he’s that kind of into you, the first question running through his head after getting your number is why didn’t we just go home then? Calling sets up a whole ‘nother time-consuming process that sometimes just doesn’t seem worth it.

Personally, I think not calling takes real balls — not the good ones. Either you’re an over-confident prick, or you’ve got a girlfriend. You’re over-confident thinking you can get someone better (easier), or you know you may get a little somethin’ started and then have to emergency bail out of the situation. Solution: always, always take his number even though it’s just as shitty to wait around for him to return your calls.

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Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week they’re all a little shy.



What Are the Rules for Dating Your Friend’s Exes?

August 15, 2014

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As a general rule, we think it’s bad manners — not to mention bad taste — to date or sleep with a friend’s ex, a.k.a. “dating the floor model.” Why ruin a perfectly good friendship for a hook-up that, let’s face it, probably won’t last the season?

The ONLY way we think it’s acceptable to move in on a friend’s ex is to:

(a) wait until that friend has reached some kind of relationship closure;

(b) give the friend a heads up first so they’re not blindsided by the news; and

(c) only do this if you’re convinced that there’s some kind of deep love connection and that you’d be defying Cupid to ignore it.

Obviously the ex in question also bears the same responsibility, but whatever — we expect exes to act like assholes. That’s why they’re exes, after all.

By the way, before you swear up and down that this is Cupid-defying love: Make sure it’s not just a matter of the forbidden being all the more tempting, of obstacles standing in the way of love (or lust) –thereby making it all the more appealing?  We get it, we really do — that’s the nature of the beast. But there’s Romeo and Juliet, and then there’s Gossip Girl.

Remember, dating is hard enough on the heart when you and your friends have each other’s back. But when you don’t? It’s soul-destroying.

Want to get advice on your own love life? Click here to ask us a question!

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Dream Interpretation: I Keep Dreaming About My Old Classmates

August 15, 2014

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Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it (18 and older only, please). This week, a reader asks Lauri:

All of my life I went to school with the same people, up until high school, when my family moved. So for eight years I had almost every class with the same 20 people, and these people from my childhood keep coming up in my dreams.

The dreams follow the same story line, where all 20 of us go on a field trip at our current ages (19/20). I always end up around my first ex and my first huge crush (J and B) and I always end up making myself look stupid somehow. (It may be important to note that I was always extremely nervous around J and B and I had a years-long on and off thing that wasn’t resolved before I moved).

Recently, there was a new addition to my dreams where, after the embarrassment, I find my old best friend, E, and we end up having sex somewhere quick, like a bathroom cubicle (I’m asexual and she’s bi). I just want to know why, after six years of not speaking to or seeing any of those people, I keep having dreams about them.

Lauri: It’s very common to dream of people from our past, even decades after the last time we saw them. The reason why this is, is because these various people leave an impression on us and become a symbol for some part of our self.

These people were a big part of your “coming of age.” So you may find that you dream of them whenever the idea or the question of getting into a relationship enters your mind.

The way you keep embarrassing yourself in front of them in the dream suggests that you are feeling embarrassed about some part of you in real life. Do you have a lot of concern about how being asexual may look to others? Is that something that is hard for you to share or explain? I would imagine that being asexual, whether it is something you are embarrassed about or not, could be a difficult thing from time to time, because of the societal pressure that you’re supposed to be in a relationship or at least looking for one.

What I think this dream is trying to show you is that the most important relationship you can have is being your own best friend (so many of us are way too hard and critical of ourselves, rather than being forgiving and supportive of our selves). That’s what your old best friend E symbolizes, the friendship you need to have with yourself: like yourself, enjoy your own company, forgive yourself, encourage yourself, etc. just as a good friend would. You have sex with her in the dream because sex symbolizes the merging of someone else’s qualities into yourself.

I think the fact that she is bi is also important. She’s attracted to both sexes, while you are not attracted to either. Society may be causing you to feel pressured to take on some sort of preference. I say for now, just focus on the friend quality that she represents and start working on liking all the wonderful, unique and even quirky things about you! When you like yourself, others can’t help but like the hell out of you, too!

 

Visit Lauri’s brand new site, WhatYourDreamMeans.com, for even more dream interpretations! If you want to be able to figure out your own dreams every morning, then check out her latest book, Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, which will give you the tools you need to become a dream expert, too. Check out all of Lauri’s books here.

 

 

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10 Quick Ways to Spice Up Masturbation

August 13, 2014

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We know that masturbation feels like an easy lay, but just because you’re a sure thing, doesn’t mean you always have to treat yourself that way. Here are 10 simple ways to spice up your old routine:

  1. Dim the overheads and light some candles
  2. Pour yourself a drink
  3. Take a long bath (with a nice waterproof accessory, perhaps)
  4. Moisturize your entire body
  5. Play that album you’d never admit actually turns you on
  6. Read the dirty parts of Anne Rice novels
  7. Watch an erotic film (if porn is a usual part of your wanking habits, try something a little different than you normally would)
  8. Fantasize about your Fed Ex delivery person
  9. Use the really nice lube you save for special occasions
  10. Take your time and tease yourself


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Dear Em & Lo: Can I Have an Orgasm in My Sleep (If I Haven’t Had One Awake)?

August 13, 2014

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photo via flickr

Dear Em & Lo,

It’s recently come to my attention that women can have orgasms while asleep, similarly to how men can have wet dreams. I was wondering: is it possible to have them before you’ve had an orgasm? As a 19-year old, I sometimes get turned on, but don’t do anything about it for fear of tearing my hymen and was wondering if I could at least experience an orgasm before I actually start having sex.

O-Curious

Dear O.C.,

First of all, why are you afraid of tearing your hymen? Often times the hymen gets stretched or further broken* long before intercourse for reasons that have nothing to do with sex: tampon use, gyno exams, lots of enthusiastic horseback riding, etc. This is no big deal. A hymen isn’t something that should be “preserved” or saved as a present for your husband to open on your wedding night. It’s vestigial tissue that you usually grow out of, with or without intercourse — the same way you grow out of crustless sandwiches and playing with dolls without really having to think about it.

You know another great way to “break” your hymen before sexual intercourse? Masturbation! If you sometimes get turned on, then you have every right to do something about it on your own. But even if you buy our argument against hymen preciousness preservation, we have a feeling you, O.C., might have some other issues with self stimulation: shame, guilt, prudishness, squeamishness, misinformation…Are we getting warm?

Well, we’re here to tell you there’s nothing wrong with a little quality alone time. In fact, there are only right things: satisfaction, stress-relief, bodily education, sexual confidence and autonomy, boredom abatement…the list goes on. As long as you don’t get so addicted to masturbation that you never leave the house and forget to eat (an incredibly unlikely scenario), then there’s no reason a healthy 19 year old shouldn’t do something proactive about her horniness, no matter what state her hymen is in.

As to whether or not you could have a sleeping orgasm before you’ve had an orgasm awake, the answer is yes. In your case, it’s possible to have so much sexual tension built up because you’ve refused to do anything about it, that your body might take advantage of your mind (and all its issues with sex) shutting down at night in order to get some much-desired sexual relief. Think of it as your body just going on auto-pilot.

As to whether or not you can experience orgasms (awake or asleep) before you’ve started having sex, the answer is another resounding YES! Yes, yes, yes, yes, oh, yeeeeeesssssssss! Again, we’re getting the feeling you’re under the impression that your sexuality doesn’t get ignited until some other person has sex with you. Not true. YOU are the owner of your own sexuality, and you write the manual for it. YOU are holder of the key that unlocks your libido. YOU are the master of your domain!

Women who masturbate regularly have more sexual agency in their relationships (once they choose to be in them). They know what they like, and aren’t afraid to ask nicely for it. They have open minds but know where their boundaries lie and aren’t afraid to defend them. They enjoy partner sex more, because it’s less intimidating and mysterious when you know your own body and how it works. In fact, their chances of having an orgasm with another partner are greatly improved! (Female orgasms from intercourse alone are not as common you might think — in fact, for a lot of women, those types of Os are non-existent. After all, the way a lot of guys have intercourse is often very different from the way a lot of women get off…but that’s a whole ‘nother column!).

Here’s what we suggest: Forget about your hymen, forget about Prince Charming coming to save your sexuality, get yourself a nice “my first vibrator” (for internal use or — if you’re still a little hymen-phobic — external use only), and have some sweet dreams while you’re wide awake!

Nighty night,

Em & Lo

*Hymens come in all shapes, configurations and thicknesses. The notion of an “intact” hymen is bogus, because most of them already have one or more holes in them naturally.

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