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Top 5 Love Lessons from The Bachelor (Juan Pablo, Ep 6)

February 11, 2014

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screenshot from ABC’s The Bachelor

  1. Everyone has their patented move (e.g. gently curling your date’s hair behind their ear). Just make sure your move doesn’t become an automatic, robotic gesture when a) you’ve run out of things to say, b) you’re not interested in the words coming out of your date’s mouth, and/or c) you’ve taken a paternalistic view of your dates and are treating them like children whose hairdos — indeed whose whole beings! — need to be tamed.
  2. We said it once, we’ll say it again: If you’re going to explicitly lay down ground rules and set up boundaries about the way you date — which we are all for (yay, open and honest communication!) — then you’ve got to follow and respect them consistently. Don’t break the rules when it’s convenient for you. For example: there is NO moral difference (at least from where we’re watching) between getting all hot and heavy in your bathing suits in the ocean and getting all hot and heavy in your bathing suits in a waterfall. Same diff.
  3. If you’re going to dump someone, do it before a major event, like a holiday (Xmas, New Year’s, Valentine’s Day) or a 22nd birthday. Don’t wait until right after, and certainly don’t do it on the day of!
  4. Using the sad story of your abandonment issues (perhaps created by an alcoholic, absentee father, let’s say) as a thinly veiled plea for another date will always backfire.
  5. Don’t steal other people’s partners (or their column ideas: a week and a half after @BachelorTV liked our Tweet about one of our Top 5 Love Lesson columns, they penned their own 5 — count ‘em, five! — tips gleaned from watching called “Love Advice from the Bachelor,” including our tip about being honest about your desires. Imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery, but payment would feel pretty good too).

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Your Call: I Was Bitchy, Now He Won’t See Me

February 10, 2014

7 Comments


photo via flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section.

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE* Advice Service!

Dear Em and Lo,

Dear Em & Lo,

I’ve been seeing this guy for more than a year. We used to get along perfectly, share laughs, get crazy. Of course I had my down moments here and there: I was a little bit depressed and I have a tendency to wallow. Anyway, now my hyper-sensitivity has turned into anger and irritation. If he’s late for our date, I ruin the date by pointing out how not nice it is to be late. I love the guy, I think he’s nice, but now the fact that I’m a yeller creeps him out and turns him off completely. And then he started not being nice to me.  Now he’s refusing to see me, saying I’m stressing out. I don’t know what to do. Should I continue to try to see him? Or is it too late and I’ve already lost him? If he ends up sticking around, will it only be because he hasn’t found anyone else worth leaving me for?  I’m desperate …

– Untamed Shrew

What should U.S. do? Leave your advice in the comments section below.

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The Best Naughty Valentine’s Day Gift Sets

February 10, 2014

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1.

For the Massage Junkie:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rub Me The Right Way Kit, $39

  • 1 Ambiance Massage Candle Pear Vanilla
  • 1 Lust Dust Honey Vanilla
  • 1 Rub Me Massage Bar Morning Dew
  • 1 Devour Me Lickable Body Oil Pina Colada
  • 1 Relax Me Fizzy Ball French Vanilla

2.

For the Fifty Shades Fan:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dare Me Pleasure Set, $119

  • Luna Beads Noir
  • Sensua Suede Whip black
  • Etherea Silk Cuffs Black

3.

For the Traveling Business Man:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Members Only Kit, $19

  • 1 Please Stroke Cream 1/2 oz.
  • 1 Tenga Egg Masturbation Sleeve
  • 1 RingO Rangler Stretchy Penis Ring
  • 1 Please Liquid Lube 5mL sample
  • 1 Please Cream Lube 5mL sample
  • 1 Please Gel Lube 5mL sample

4.

For the Lazy Lover:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Adore Me Pleasure Set, $139

  • Mia 2 Rechargeable USB Vibrator in Red
  • Intima Silk Blindfold in Red
  • Sutra Chain Link Cuffs in Red

5.

For the Backdoor-Curious:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Prostate Pleasure Kit, $75

  • The Ultimate Guide To Prostate Pleasure: Erotic Exploration For Men And Their Partners
  • Aneros MGX
  • Please Gel Lubricant 2oz

 

6.

For the Uninitiated:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hearts on Fire Kit, $18

  • 1 Waterproof Mini Bullet Vibrator
  • 1 Ignite Me Massage Candle 1 oz
  • 1 Mini Rub Me Massage Bar 1 oz
  • 1 Please Warming Lubricant Sample 5 ml


Top 5 Love Lessons from The Bachelor (Juan Pablo, Ep 5)

February 4, 2014

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screenshot from ABC’s The Bachelor

  1. Your date being interested in hearing about your career is not “AMAZING!”, it does not make him an extraordinary human being with mystical qualities that make him the perfect guy for you. Asking you about your job and him actually listening to the answer should be the bare minimum for any date. It’s not proof that you should immediately marry him, it’s just the foundation for possibly agreeing to a second date.
  2. Headbands (the kind that go across your forehead) = don’t.
  3. If you’re going to explicitly lay down ground rules and set up boundaries about the way you date — which we are all for (yay, open and honest communication!) — then you’ve got to follow and respect them consistently. Don’t break the rules when it’s convenient for you, while expecting your partners to follow them 24/7 to the letter. And while we’re at it, don’t paternalistically decide what’s best for your date, when you hypocritically turn around and do the opposite: your date is an adult, she can make her own decisions (like deciding when and where and with whom she’s ready to make out).
  4. If you do something on a date willingly and wholeheartedly that you later regret, don’t blame your date. You can gently admit that you think it might not have been a good idea to do whatever you did, that you think it was a mistake on your part, but remember that it takes two to tango: you could have used better judgment in the moment. Don’t make the other person feel like a predator, the lone gunman, a skanky ho, when in fact you couldn’t get your swimsuit on and your tongue out quickly enough.
  5. When you’ve hurt someone’s feelings and they are crying, please don’t tell them to stop crying. Especially not over and over and over again. Even though they may be acting like a child, they are not a child, so don’t talk to them like one (again with the paternalism). You must acknowledge their feelings and accept that this is the way they are expressing themselves. It may not be the way you express yourself, it may not make you feel comfortable, but you’ve made your water bed and now you’ve got to lie in it.

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Your Call: Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater?

February 3, 2014

9 Comments

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section.

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE* Advice Service!

Dear Em and Lo,

I’ve been in a loving 18-month relationship, about half of which is long distance. My boyfriend was unfaithful a prior girlfriend, a few years before me. His infidelity resulted in the birth of a child, who lives in another country with the child’s mother. I found this out about about his son five months into our long distance relationship.

When I confronted him, he immediately confessed and explained that he was scared to tell me when we first met –and the omission spiraled out of control. This revelation was very distressing, but he throughly explained the reasons for his lie and infidelity to his past girlfriend. I made the choice to forgive him. I also confessed to him that my prior serious relationship ended in a rampage of cheating, leaving me feeling foolish and deeply hurt. I don’t think I have fully recovered. I know that I have trouble trusting and opening up.

Since then, our relationship has been much stronger and I feel he is someone I want to continue loving… possibly for a long time. He makes me feel like I can have a healthy relationship again. We challenge and compliment each other well.

Unfortunately, during my last visit I came across some old flirtatious text messages (yeah I was snooping, old habits die hard) on his phone. From what I gather nothing physical happened, but his flirting really hurt me. We throughly discussed it and I forgave him. I thought we moved past it, and we started to heal again.

I went to live with him for four months, met his parents, friends and relatives. But every couple of months I bring it up and I rage at him; he has not betrayed my trust since the texts. My gut is screaming at me that history is about to repeat itself. But I know my past issues make my gut rather faulty.

– Gutless or gullible?

What should Gutless-or-Gullible do? Leave your advice in the comments section below.

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Dream Interpretation: An Intruder Stabbed Our Genitals

January 30, 2014

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Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it (18 and older only, please). This week, a reader asks Lauri:

I dreamt that an attacker entered my apartment when I had the front door open talking to another holiday maker and feeling at ease. He then attacked my friend with a knife, stabbing her in the ribs and then cutting her upwards in her private area. I didn’t know whether to get her to jump out of the windows with me, but strangely I knew we were many floors up and the windows were large and had been slid open across the glass. I worried actually he may have got in that way, not the front door as I had castigated myself for. In not making a decision what to do — fight, flee, protect her — he comes for me and cuts me up my private area. There is no pain, just disbelief and then I fear on waking and shaking in my bedroom, if I turn on the light, he will attack me again but I know I have to, to prove this isn’t real.

Lauri: It seems that, through this dream, you are coming to terms with an unpleasant reality… a reality you don’t want to believe is true. The open door and open windows suggest you have opened yourself up to someone in real life; you unwittingly allowed someone into your personal world, perhaps even into your heart and they, in turn, have now become a threat to your peace of mind.

The friend in this dream, I believe, represents the friendship between you and this person you let into your life who now feels like an intruder rather than a friend. The intruder stabbing your friend in the ribs makes me think that perhaps that someone has been taking verbal stabs at you and ribbing you to the point that you are feeling emotionally wounded and victimized.

Getting sliced upwards from the vagina, while eerily reminiscent of Jack the Ripper, suggests this may have been an intimate relationship you are now feeling wounded by. Whatever the case, the cutting in the dream is telling you that you must face the reality that you need to sever — cut this relationship out of your life.

Visit Lauri’s brand new site, WhatYourDreamMeans.com, for even more dream interpretations! If you want to be able to figure out your own dreams every morning, then check out her latest book, Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, which will give you the tools you need to become a dream expert, too. Check out all of Lauri’s books here.

 

 

 

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Dear Em & Lo: My Boyfriend Uses Dating Sites for “Conversation”

January 29, 2014

3 Comments

photo via flickr

Dear Em & Lo

I’m in a different city from my boyfriend of 3+ years, studying for a degree. On my last visit home I discovered he has profiles on several dating websites, and his inbox is full of messages with attractive strangers. I confronted him about it twice, and both times he assured me he’s never met any of these women and he’s just in it to meet people and start conversations. He also promised to delete his accounts, but he hasn’t.

I’m very conflicted about what to do. My head tells me his actions are an obvious sign he’s not that into me and our not-so-long-distance relationship isn’t working out. But my heart still believes him when he swears I’m the only one he wants to be with. He’s a smart, sweet, sensitive and caring guy, but he does have some growing up to do.

Am I blowing this out of proportion? What can I say to him that will convince him this behavior hurts me? Or is it time for me to say goodbye?

– Sucker (Punched)

Dear Sucker (Punched),

We guess we’ll have to take you at your word that this dude is a “smart, sweet, sensitive and caring guy,” because we fail to see any evidence of this in your letter. You’ve told him this upsets you, he’s promised to stop, and yet he continues to do it, thereby doubling the wrong — using dating sites behind your back and lying about it. (Not to mention the fact that we really find it hard to believe anyone joins an online dating site for the “conversation.” That’s like reading Penthouse for the articles.)

How about we give you a list, to pass onto your boyfriend, of ten appropriate ways for someone in a serious relationship to “meet people and start conversations”:

1. Attending Happy Hour drinks with co-workers.

2. Facebooking with old classmates, second cousins, etc.

3. Getting involved in Twitter (we’re pretty sure there’s a hashtag for whatever he’s going through).

4. Joining a gym.

5. Volunteering at the local soup kitchen or old people’s home.

6. Taking a cooking/tennis/juggling (etc.) class.

7. Becoming a regular commenter on a website that interests him.

8. Hosting a potluck dinner party and/or kegger.

9. Starting a regular poker night.

10. Visiting you and meeting all of your fascinating friends.

Perhaps he didn’t understand quite how upset you were the first time. We suggest you try one more time to make your thoughts crystal clear (feel free to print out the above list for him), and if he still doesn’t stop it, then tell him to go find a new girlfriend on one of those dating sites he’s so attached to.

– Em & Lo

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Top 5 Love Lessons from The Bachelor (Juan Pablo, Ep 4)

January 28, 2014

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photo courtesy of ABC/Christopher Jue

  1. When your date confides in you about their terrible, deadbeat, alcoholic father who abandoned them, do NOT respond with, “Wow, that must have been so difficult for your father.” The appropriate response is, “Wow, that must have been so difficult for your YOU.”
  2. Don’t tell your date what you think they want to hear — be honest about your thoughts, opinions, desires, and doubts (like Opera Singer/Child-Hater Sharleen).
  3. Similarly, desperation and over-enthusiasm will not work in your favor. Be cool, calm, collected and — while we’re at it — cautious and maybe even a little coy (again, like Can-I-Even-Be-Bothered-To-Be-Here Sharleen).
  4. On a date, don’t be a narc and whine about your fellow human beings. Narcs never get the rose. (Ahn-nyoung, Elise.)
  5. If you’re interested in kissing your date, don’t lead with “Do you know what happened earlier? I threw up in my mouth a little, but then I swallowed it.” (Somehow this worked for Claire, but it will NOT work for you.)

Finally, not a tip, but an observation: Kelly the “Dog Lover” should get her own Bachelor spin-off show, maybe an online series doing post-show commentary, because that woman has the best one-liners and zingers of the season. (On Claire making a big deal about eating a little tiny piece of South Korean octopus: “I know she’s swallowed bigger than that”; while doing an impersonation of Claire eating said octopus: “Oh my god, this is the most I’ve eaten in two weeks!”) Seriously, she’s making “The Bachelor” bearable this year.

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Dear Dr. Kate: Am I Wired Not to Orgasm?

January 21, 2014

1 Comment

photo via flickr

Dr. Kate is back, and ready to answer more of your questions on women’s sexual health! We missed her like crazy, and we’re sure you did, too. For the newbies around here, Dr. Kate is an OB/GYN at one of the largest teaching hospitals in New York City, and she answers your medical questions on EMandLO.com. To ask her your own question, click here.

Dear Dr. Kate,

I’m a sex-positive, reasonably experienced 27-year-old woman who enjoys sex and being sexual. But I’ve never experienced any pleasure from my clitoris, be it alone, with various toys, or through oral sex or manual stimulation from various partners. It doesn’t hurt, but it does feel “intense” in a way that can sometimes be unpleasant.

The pleasure that I get from sex comes more from the feeling of “fullness” and from the psychological/emotional aspects. My doctor tells me that nothing’s wrong with me physically and that I should try new techniques, but I feel like I’ve tried everything.

I’ve never had an orgasm, because while I do enjoy sex, the pleasure is never very intense. Is there anything else I can try? Should I just accept that this is the way I’m wired?

– Button Pusher

Dear Button Pusher,

The bottom line is that there’s always something else to try. We know that some medical conditions or treatments can affect the ability to orgasm, but the list of things is not long — diabetes, spinal cord injury, many antidepressant medications. And any chronic, debilitating medical condition can affect your sexual functioning. But if you’re healthy, and not on any medications, there’s no evidence that someone like you is not “wired” to climax — you just haven’t figured out what works for you.

It’s wonderful that you feel such fulfillment from sex without orgasm — it’s a great start, and frankly necessary for a lifetime of pleasure. It certainly sounds like you’ve been experimenting in many ways – I don’t know if you’ve tried these approaches, but these have worked for some of my patients:

1) Indirect stimulation. For many women, direct contact on the clitoris is way too intense, and often too painful, to lead to pleasure. Try touching your clit (fingers, tongue, vibrator) on the side, through the labia minora, or through your underwear.

2) Lubrication. It’s not just for him — using lube on yourself can mean the difference between pleasure and pain.

3) Slow it down. The clitoris is not a tiny penis — often it’s a slower or lighter touch that starts the fire.

If you’re saying “been there, tried that,” then it may be time to seek professional help. No, not a male escort. A women’s health provider who has experience/training in issues around sexual functioning. If you don’t think your doctor can give you specific advice, you can find such providers in your area using this directory.

I wish you the best of luck.

– Dr. Kate
Gynotalk

 

dr_kate_100Dr. Kate is an OB/GYN at one of the largest teaching hospitals in New York City. She also lectures nationally on women’s health issues and conducts research on reproductive health. Check out more of her advice and ask her a question at Gynotalk.com.

 

 

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Top 5 Love Lessons from The Bachelor (Juan Pablo, Ep 3)

January 21, 2014

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photo courtesy of ABC/Rick Rowell

  1. Date location don’ts: cold and dirty city harbors (that you intend to swim in), sport stadium hot dog kitchens (that you intend to make out in), and bungee-jumping bridges next to busy 8-lane freeways.
  2. If you put just the tip in, it doesn’t count. We’re of course talking about putting just the tip of your shoe into the air off the bungee-jumping platform. (Is this season one big metaphor for date rape or what?)
  3. Makeup is fun and glamorous and, often times, pure magic. But it is NOT a necessity. A relationship in which you cannot let your partner see you “without your face on” is not one built on honesty or openness.
  4. Don’t take dating advice from your mom. Even if she’s dead.
  5. If you are a single dad dating 25 women at the same time, making out with many of them in a single group date, and frolicking around with them in their skimpy bathing suits at a pool party — all on national television — then you probably shouldn’t judge the appropriateness of other adults’ love lives. Homophobia and hypocrisy ain’t sexy.

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