Our contributor Jewely Hoxie studies Human Sexuality at the University of California Santa Cruz (read her blog here). She has some words of wisdom to share about oral sex…

Going down on someone is no easy task. And letting someone go down on you can be quite nerve-racking. Despite these potential oral sex setbacks, the experience can be awesome. Both partners deserve to enjoy the journey down south. Rather than focusing solely on techniques to please the receiver, I’m going to share some secret tips that will benefit both partners — how to improve your overall experience without having to change those special techniques that already work for you and your partner.

1. Educate Yourself

Know what the clitoris is, know what the perineum is, and know all your partner’s favorite spots. Without this knowledge, I don’t know how you’ve been going down on someone all these years. For reference: buy Em & Lo’s Sex: How To Do Everything.

2. Don’t Change What’s Already Good

We all know that moment when your partner is at the sweet spot going down on you with just the right rhythm and you have an overwhelming urge to vocally express your gratitude — but somehow that translates to faster, harder, etc. No, just no. If you’re the one going down, accept the praise and keep doing what you’re doing — don’t make your partner wish they never said anything.

3. Be Clean

This really should be common courtesy, but just as a friendly reminder: please wash your bodies and mouths thoroughly. Facial trimming helps prevent that rough sandpaper feeling against your partner’s sensitive parts. Trimming further down will make a clearer pathway — and remember, the less hair there is, the more skin there is to be touched! (That said, however, some people like playing with a little hair/having a little hair played with down there.)

4. Warn Them

A little warning before you ejaculate can build up excitement for the giver and more importantly, ease any anxiety about not knowing if you’re going to end up with sticky hair or running to spit in the sink.

5. Stock Up on Bedside Essentials

Like I said before, oral sex is no easy task. Luckily, there are a few tools I use to make my job a little easier.

• Lubrication. I can’t say enough about how important lube is to our sex lives. Whether you’re feeling a little dry, you want to add some flavor, or you want to extend teasing foreplay, lube is your best friend. (See also My Top 6 Reasons to Love Lube and My Top 6 Favorite Lubes.)
• Hair ties. For those of us with long locks, having a couple hair ties close by will keep your hair of out of your eyes and can also give your partner a better view of the show.
• Tissues. Or wipes, for all around post-show clean-up.
• A glass of water. For the inevitable dehydration/mouth drying.
• Toys. Because a little helping hand never hurt anyone. A small vibrator for teasing, a cock ring, prostate massager, butt plug, nipple clamps, stimulating gel, mix and match, etc. Many things contribute to a good sex life, and creativity is one of them. Get inventive!

6. Try New Positions and Locations

Sure, a new tongue technique is fun to bust out, but sometimes you know what you like, and what you like works. When we masturbate we often engage in the same artistry that works best for us. Despite this seemingly monotonous routine, I still absolutely love every orgasm I have. So, instead of changing techniques for some novelty, change the position or location. Maybe do that move she loves, but while she’s on her side instead of her back. Go in an elevator, don’t press any buttons, and see how long you can go down on him before it starts moving again. Keep it interesting for both of you by switching up the routine.

7. Use Your Hands

There’s a reason Rabbit-style vibrators are the most popular toys for women — dual stimulation is where it’s at. Suck on her clitoris while you finger her. Give your partner’s tush a squeeze. And give yourself a helping hand if you don’t want to risk a deep throating gag reflex.

8. Mix in Masturbation

Be careful with this one. It can backfire if touching yourself while you are going down on your partner gets a little too distracting. However, masturbating can also get you more in the mood to please your partner, and those little moans you make can definitely be a turn on for the receiver.

9. Talk It Out

If you are familiar at all with Em & Lo’s advice, then you’ve probably heard enough about the importance of communication. And I’m here to tell you that you can never hear that enough. Pushing yourself to fully and honestly communicate with your partner is an ongoing practice in relationships. And it doesn’t stop in the bedroom.

• Show your partner enthusiasm! The only time I don’t like going down on someone is when there is no indication of their enjoyment. What’s the point then? Show them how much you enjoy that twisting tongue, and you might wake up to your partner begging to go down on you. Flattery can get you anywhere, amiright?
• Talk dirty. It’s great for a libido boost, an ego boost, and a hot way to tell your partner what is it you are really enjoying. Note: A critical, in depth analysis during sexy time of what they are doing wrong for you is not the biggest turn on.
• Debrief afterwards. This is (embarrassing/geekily) one of my favorite parts about getting it on. This makes for a nice time to share what you really liked, to compliment, and to critique. If you weren’t super into something that your partner did, they deserve to know. This is really about learning how to have the best sex you can with one another. Everyone likes something different.

10. Remember the Golden Rule!

As mentioned above, thank your partner in all all the appropriately dirty ways you see fit. If you are tired after that mind-exploding orgasm they just gave you, don’t sweat it — but ensure that next time, it’s all about them.

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:

• How Do You Give Your Partner Advice About Oral?
• How I Learned to Enjoy Giving Blowjobs
• On Average, How Often Do Blowjobs Occur in Relationships?

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Hi Em & Lo,

So I’m a freshman in college and I have never dated before or even been kissed. Sometimes I really feel like I’m missing out. I’m pretty friendly, but is it bad that I still haven’t had a relationship yet? What should I do? Help!

Sincerely,

Never Been Kissed

Dear N.B.K.,

Regular readers to this site will know that we’re pretty prudish when it comes to talking about our own sex lives. For one thing, we think it’s a mistake to assume that what’s true for us will be true for you. And for another, we’re prudes! There are plenty of other sex columnists out there willing to bare it all (sometimes quite literally: We once saw Tristan Taormino insert a butt plug live on stage!), and more power to them. That’s just not our bag.

That said, we’ll make an exception today. This is from Em:

I didn’t have my first kiss until the summer before I went off to college, so I had barely been kissed when I showed up as a college freshman. I never dated in high school, never kissed anyone, never locked braces with anyone, never spent seven minutes in the closet with anyone (or whatever that game is that everyone else seemed to play and I only read about in Judy Blume novels). And it wasn’t like this changed overnight when I showed up on campus, either — it wasn’t until the very end of my freshman year that I had my second kiss (for the record: kind of disappointing).

Sophomore and junior years led to a few more disappointing hook-ups, and it wasn’t until my senior year that I actually dated someone.

Sure, at times I felt like I was missing out. At times I wondered what was wrong with me. At times I was convinced that if only I didn’t struggle with acne and debilitating shyness, I’d be the belle of the ball. But looking back, I’m pretty sure I didn’t miss out — in fact, I don’t know anyone who particularly enjoyed dating in college (or “dating” in college, a.k.a. drunken hook-ups).

You’re young! It’ll happen! Maybe this year, maybe next year, maybe not until after college, who knows. Don’t rush it, don’t let anyone make you feel like a weirdo, and definitely don’t drink heavily to try to make it happen (worst idea ever, I can report).

And yes, eventually I did have a second relationship — after college. I had a bunch more, in fact — some good, some bad, some indifferent. I got my heart broken once and my ego hurt a hundred thousand times. And then I fell in love and got married.

I’m pretty sure I didn’t miss out on anything wonderful — in fact, I’m pretty sure that my college experience would have been way less fun if I’d been hooking up on a regular basis.

In the meantime, just try to enjoy everything else that college has to offer. (You have no idea how many times we say to each other, “I just want to go back to college and actually appreciate it.”) A cappella group singing, anyone?

On your side,

Em & Lo

MORE LIKE THIS FROM EMandLO.com:

• Dear Em & Lo, I’m a Thirty-Something Virgin – Help!
• Dear Em & Lo, How Far Should I Go to Keep a Guy?
• Confession: Losing Your Virginity Ain’t No Big Thang
• The Virgin Diaries

photo via Flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
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Been married for thirty-six years and when we have sex he is really amazing. The problem is we have sex only once every 1 to 2 years! It has always been sorta few and far between.

This is what really bothers me: he says it has to be when he is ready, when he is in the mood. Believe me, if it was when I wanted it, it would be at least twice a month.

How can I get him to realize that sometimes it makes me feel like my opinions or feelings do not matter to him?

— Blue Box

What should B.B. do? Let her know in the comments section below.

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Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it. This week, a reader asks Lauri:

I dream about my high school sweetheart often. The last time I dreamt of her, I was surprised to learn she was in the hospital, I went to check up on her and talk to the doctor, and she told me she missed me very much. I wake up crying. In another one, I am walking in the street holding hands with her. In another, we are classmates in school. I want to talk to her but I can’t.

Whenever I dream about her I cry and then I wake up.

Lauri: You might automatically be assuming that these dreams are about your childhood sweetheart, and I have no doubt you do miss her to a degree, but it is more likely that after all these years, she has become a symbol for the innocence and purity of a new and exciting relationship.

Have you been through some heartbreak lately? If so, that’s where the crying comes in. Whatever emotion you experience in a dream can always be connected to that same emotion you are having in waking life. You may be crying in your dreams because you aren’t allowing yourself to fully express your sadness while awake.

The fact that one of your dreams took place in a hospital suggests that in waking life you are trying to heal from something… heart break maybe? Or perhaps you are trying to make a current relationship better. The school setting tells us that you are learning valuable lessons right now, perhaps relationship lessons. And most importantly, not being able to talk to her is probably connected to a communication issue in real life. Are you having trouble communicating in a current relationship or in general do you have a hard time speaking up about what’s on your mind?

Whatever the case, I believe these dreams show you still believe in love and pure relationships so don’t ever lose that! Holding on to bitterness and distrust will ruin relationship after relationship. And life is too short for that nonsense.

Want to be able to figure out your own dreams every morning? Lauri’s latest book, Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, will give you the tools you need to become a Dream Expert too! Check out all of Lauri’s books here.

MORE FROM EMandLO.com:

• 10 Ways to Know You’re Dating a Keeper
• Wise Guys – Do Men Fantasize About Their Future Ideal Love?
• How to Write a Love List

photo via flickr

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Yesterday we answered a thirty-something virgin’s plea for help. Today, we tell her and this woman and virgins everywhere whether they should tell the first guy they’re going to have intercourse with that they’re still carrying their V-cards:

Dear Em & Lo,

Do I have to tell a guy I’m hoping to do it with that I’m a virgin?

–Sandra Dee

Dear S.D.,

Yes and No.

Here are the conditions that require a “Yes” answer to the above question (more than one may apply, but only one is neccessary for a “Yes”):

• If you’re hoping to have a relationship with this guy. You want to try to build a good relationship with this person? Then you should be open and honest about your situation — that’s what good relationships are built on, openness and honesty! And if he feels the same way about you, he’ll want to know.
• If you want to make sure you’re having sex with a man who would not consider virginity a deal breaker. Telling him is a way to weed out anyone who doesn’t want to take the time to make it special, can’t handle the pressure, is afraid you’ll fall too hard for him, etc. But don’t worry, not every guy feels this way, so you won’t be a virgin forever — there are plenty of men out there who will be over the moon to discover you’ve never done it before… because you’ll have no one to compare him to!
• If you want the experience to be as good as it can be. You’re going to have a lot of sex in the years to come, both good and crappy, but you’re only going to lose your virginity once. So why not try to make it special? We can’t guarantee that the earth is going to move for you the first time — in fact, for women, the first time is rarely orgasmic, and it’s often downright crappy. But that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t even try to make it a bit special. If a guy knows it’s your first time, then he’ll be able to help you celebrate the occasion by going very slowly, paying extra special attention to the niceties like soft lighting and good music (so that you won’t have to remember for the rest of your life that you did it the first time with NPR’s “Fresh Air” playing playing in the background), and basically just being uber-attentive to your responses. (In an ideal world, your first time with any new partner should be like this, but damn it, we don’t live in that kind of world!)
• If he flat-out asks you. We can, under the right circumstances, condone a little reticence on the topic of your virginity, but outright lying in bed is for losers who don’t like orgasms.

Here are the conditions that might warrant a “No” answer (all of them should probably apply before deciding not to tell him):

• If you don’t care whether you see this guy again. If you see this as a one-night-stand kind of thing, with not a lot of emotion invested in it, then we guess you could just not mention it.
• If you just want to get it over with as fast as possible. If you don’t want to build it up too much, if you want to take some of the pressure off, if you want to be in the moment and not complicate things, then you might not bring it up.
• If you’re afraid the news of your virginity will scare him away. We’re not going to lie: Some guys won’t want to take your V-card. That’s a lot of pressure on a guy — for example, if he’s just thinking of this as a casual fling, then he may not want to be your first, as he might worry that you’ll get too attached. Probably not the most sensitive type of person to lose your virginity to, but maybe that doesn’t matter to you at this point.

If it’s not glaringly obvious, we strongly favor the “Yes” answer to this question. We think you owe it to yourself  – and to the guy — to fess up. Regret is possible with either approach, but we think your odds of big regret are greater by not telling him.

Whether you decide to tell or not, before you do it, do yourself a favor and read a good book about sex. Like, oh, perhaps our book Sex: How to Do Everything, to pick one totally at random. Seriously, though, a book like this will teach you the way around your own body, it will help you discover the various routes to your happy place, and it will give you a few ideas of what to ask for when you do find the right man. Because you should never expect any man to have all the answers when it comes to your orgasm.

Have fun storming the castle!

Em & Lo

MORE LIKE THIS FROM EMandLO.com:

• Dear Em & Lo, I’m a Thirty-Something Virgin – Help!
• Dear Em & Lo, How Far Should I Go to Keep a Guy?
• Confession: Losing Your Virginity Ain’t No Big Thang
• The Virgin Diaries

photo via Flickr

Get Personal Advice Publicly on EMandLO.comTry Our New
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Dear Em & Lo,

I’ll get straight to it: I’m in my early thirties and I’m a virgin. Not really by choice. It’s just never happened. It’s gotten to the point where I’m so worried what potential dates (and even platonic friends) will think if they find out, that I’m afraid it’s holding me back and I’ll end up dying along. It’s really starting to depress me. Help!

– Pre-Cat Lady

Dear PCL,

It’s great to wait for the right person for such an important life event. We’d even recommend waiting for love, however long that takes! But if you’ve made it to your thirties without making at least one serious connection with a like-minded human being–and you want to make this connection–then you’ve probably got some issues that need to be dealt with in therapy.

Do you have some social interaction problem–fatal shyness, insecurity, social ineptness, a mullet–that is preventing you from meeting people? Have you built up sex (and the person who gives it to you) to be this great, big, overwhelming, all-powerful, awe-inspiring ideal that can never be achieved unless the stars are aligned just so? (Prepare to be disappointed.) Are you a sexual person who has sexual desire and masturbates regularly? If not, you may have a hormonal situation that could be dealt with medically, or else perhaps you subscribe to an incredibly repressive religion that guilts the sex drive right out of you. Or perhaps you just think that nice girls don’t. (For the record, nice girls do.)

Whatever the case, it’s not the virginity holding you back–you’re holding you back. And it’s going to take some serious self-reflection to get to the bottom of why you’re not meeting people you’d even consider doing. Then it’s going to take some serious motivation to make the necessary changes to meet people you do want to do. Once you do that, read our advice on whether or not to tell him you’re a virgin.

Nice girls,

Em & Lo

MORE LIKE THIS FROM EMandLO.com:

• Dear Em & Lo, How Far Should I Go to Keep a Guy?
• Confession: Losing Your Virginity Ain’t No Big Thang
• The Virgin Diaries

photo via flickr

Driver’s licenses expire. Professional licenses expire. Even dog licenses expire. But marriage licenses are for life! On the one hand, this is kind of the whole point of marriage, right? That you can’t just walk away from each other, that you are committed, even when things get tough, even when your kids are keeping you up all night, even when you’ve been so busy at work that you’ve taken each other for granted for months at a time, even when you’ve aged beyond all recognition since the day you met and fell in love. There’s a comfort to knowing that you don’t have to decide to stay together: You are together. Period.

But on the other hand… Would we be less likely to take each other for granted if we did have to decide to stay together? We’re not talking annual renewal, a la Heidi Klum and Seal (because look how well that worked out for them), but rather every seven years. (Did you know that human cells renew every seven years? So you are quite literally a different person by this point!) Every seven years you’d have to ask your partner all over again, “Will you be mine, to have and to hold, for another seven years?” Imagine how awesome it would feel, seven years into your marriage, to learn that your partner says yes all over again.

And if your partner decided not to re-up the contract? Well, maybe you just dodged a bullet. Would that really be so much worse than staying in a so-so marriage for the rest of your life just because you said you would?

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:

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• I Love My Husband But Not Our Sex Life

image via flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE* Advice Service!

I have been single for several years. I am a divorced forty year old woman with an almost 18-year-old son. I’ve been divorced for 7 years and have only been in one serious relationship and have had 2 short lived “flings” and now this. I’ve been seeing a 30 year old guy (single, never married, no kids) for about 4 months now.

Firstly, I don’t know how to date. Early on I freaked out because I was developing feelings and got scared and had a meltdown. We talked it out and I put all my feelings out there and since then I have just tried to be honest about how I feel. I haven’t played the game of playing hard to get or any of that. If I want to see him or talk to him I contact him and tell him.

He is a very reserved guy and likes a lot of alone time to himself. For the most part I am good with that.We have talked about how I feel when I want to see him and he declines and he has told me that I should not take it personally because he works two jobs and he does require alone time and it has nothing to do with me.

But my feelings are deepening and I want to have “the talk” with him to see how he feels about me. Lately I feel like he is keeping me at a distance more than when we first started seeing each other. He used to initiate spending time with me more than he does now and I don’t know what to do because it makes me feel sad and insecure about everything.

He previously had told me with his past relationships that at the 6 month point he figures he should know if the realtionship is going somewhere.(None for him have lasted more than six months since a 3 year high school relationship.)

My question is, do I have the talk with him now because my feelings get hurt when he doesn’t want to see me and I really just want to know where we are, or do I wait a couple of months and give him his space and see what happens? I don’t want to scare him off, but I do want to know how he feels, because I know how I feel and I want to get closer to him…and get out of my head because I want to be with him and when he doesn’t contact me for a day or two or declines seeing me if I ask to get together I get hurt and confused because I don’t know how he really feels and I’m not sure what to do.

Like I said, I don’t want to scare him off so I wonder if I should just hang in there and see what happens or just force the issue for better or worse so at least I know what’s up. Help?!

– Tongue-Tied

What should T.T. do? Let her know in the comments section below.

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:

• Are Men Really Romantic Or Do They Just Fake It?
• 5 Ways That Getting Kinky Can Improve Your Relationship
• If He’s Being Secretive, He’s Either a Spy or a Player

Toulouse-Lautrec via Wiki Images

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it. This week, a reader asks Lauri:

My boyfriend, who lives with me, and I had the same dream last night. He killed me, but was possessed while doing so. I’m sure the details in his dream were different than mine, but it was the same content.

My dream was one I’d had before. In my dream, another man tries to save me from my current boyfriend, but is unsuccessful and my boyfriend stabs me. The dream was very dark and dreary and also involved a train and a train station and skips to a party scene on the train.

In his dream he was possessed and stabbed me like 20 times and after the fact that I was dead he realized what he did and started balling and hugged my dead body until the police came.

The fact that we both dreamt the same thing on the same night is rather scary. Any thoughts?

Lauri: Yes, two people can have the same dream on the same night. It’s called shared dreaming and it usually happens to two people who are very close: husband and wife, best friends, mother and daughter, etc. The reason why is because the two individuals are dealing with the same issue and their subconscious responds to it similarly by giving them comparable dreams.

Now, let’s decipher these dreams and see if we can pinpoint the shared issue. Being stabbed in a dream often means you have been the victim of someone’s hurtful and wounding remarks. Do you recall if you and your boyfriend fought that day? Did he take a lot of “stabs” at you by criticizing you?

The fact that you’ve had this dream more than once concerns me that he may have an anger problem. Just as he was possessed in the dream, does it sometimes seem like some angry person had taken over his body? Is he sometimes not himself?

The murder aspect of these dreams suggests he may be trying to force some sort of change on you. Death in a dream is a natural change or ending in waking life whereas murder in a dream is a forced change or ending. The unknown man that was trying to rescue you in the dream is most likely your own male, assertive self. Do you recall trying to “grow a pair” and stand up for yourself that day… to no avail?

His remorse in the dream shows he’s truly sorry in waking life. Nonetheless, if there are changes he is trying to get you to make, you may wanna tell him to lighten up a bit about it because it’s giving you nightmares!

Want to be able to figure out your own dreams every morning? Lauri’s latest book, Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, will give you the tools you need to become a Dream Expert too! Check out all of Lauri’s books here.

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photo via Flickr

Still single, ladies? Well you can kiss your cat-lady status goodbye! Follow these five simple dating tips and you’ll never be alone again! Because a douchey guy is better than no guy at all. Amen to that!