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Why Guys Are So Obsessed with the Twin Thing

October 14, 2014

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Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: What’s the deal with fantasizing about twins? (Coors Lite twins, Hef’s twins, etc.) How come the whole implied incest thing — a.k.a. “Twincest,” thanks, Gone Girl! — isn’t a turn-off?

Straight Single Guy (Colin): I think, for some men, having a set of twins is the American Dream. An international friend once told me that you can make anything American by just adding more. With this perceptive logic, a fantasy of one beautiful girl instantly becomes as epic as the untamed West, as landing on the moon, as the California Gold Rush, as soon as you add a second copy of the same girl. I think we all understand that most threesomes we fantasize about involve some enjoyable spectating of girl-on-girl, but when it comes to twins, the fantasy is strictly about us-on-them (or vice versa). They’re seeing each other naked, but I think we can all get over that if it means living the life our forefathers fought for. It’s a patriotic fantasy really.

Straight Married Guy (Matt): This isn’t a fantasy I ever really think about, but when it’s brought up — sure, hot twins sound great! And because it’s a fantasy, we don’t care about the implied incest, or the implied next-morning awkwardness or anything else other than the sex. I guess in this case I think less about the fact that they’re sisters as much as I’m thinking two identical hot girls catering to my every whim. What’s better than that? (Besides hot triplets, of course.) Read the rest of this entry »



How to Make Masturbation Feel More Intimate

October 10, 2014

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photo via flickr

We often hear women complain that masturbation just doesn’t do it for them, simply because there’s no man or woman attached to the end of the sex toy. In other words, they want masturbation to provide not just sex, but also intimacy. So, how do you make masturbation feel more intimate?

Okay, first things first: You are masturbating, right? Because if you’re not, then our job is simple: You’ve got to start self-loving! Every time you feel the itch, scratch it! (Not literally, of course, unless that’s your thing.) The better you get at masturbation, more natural it will feel, and the more comfortable you will feel pleasuring yourself. And there is a kind of intimacy to this level of comfort with your own body and your own desire.

But if you want to turn the intimacy up to eleven, then you have to treat masturbation like sex, rather than treating it like brushing your teeth (or like scratching an itch). Sure, you could just grab your vibe, place it where it counts, and let it do its thing. And sure, you might even climax that way. But there are more intense experiences to be had if you seduce yourself first: take a long bubble bath with a glass of wine, dim the lights, play some sultry tunes. You know, everything that you’d do if you were about to have romantic anniversary sex with the love of your life.

And don’t neglect your fantasy life. Vibrators are so powerful these days, so freakin’ reliable, that it’s easy to get lazy about fantasizing and just let the mechanics take over. After all, a work-horse like the Hitachi Magic Wand can sometimes get the job done whether you’re in the mood for it or not! But that’s no excuse not to get in the mood. That’s where the romance novels et al come in:  Spend some quality time with a romance novel/graphic novel/erotica collection/episode of Masters of Sex/porno/whatever your favorite turn-on is.

Also, if you’ve always relied on a toy, maybe try experimenting with just your right hand and some lube — that might help things feel a little more, well, personal. Or treat yourself to a subtle, pebble-like vibrator that sits in the palm of your hand and complements your masturbation session, rather than taking charge of it completely. We can’t think of a better reason to splurge on a proper, grownup pleasure object by Lelo!

If you have a partner and your masturbation sessions are simply an extracurricular addition to your sex life (perhaps you’re long-distance, for example) maybe your partner would be willing to provide some fantasy material for you. (How could they object? We think that everyone, men especially, secretly wants to be objectified!) Ask your partner to write you a love and/or lust letter. Look at a photo of your partner, scantily clad.

If you’re currently single, then use photographs of people you once slept with and recall fondly, or people you’d like to sleep with (Face — or, hell, even celebrities! There are no rules in your fantasy life.

And write your own dirty letter, too — it doesn’t have to be addressed to anyone specific. In fact, you don’t ever have to show it to anyone at all. But writing down everything you wish that someone was doing to you right now, and everything you wish you could do to that person, will help get you in the mood. Especially if you imagine someone specific reading it (or, what the hell, imagine the letter getting into the wrong hands if that turns you on!). Then stash the letter in your night-stand for those special alone moments.

Remember, the better you get at masturbation, the more intimate it will feel. And the more intimate your masturbation sessions, the more likely you are to demand more from your real, live, human partners. And the less likely you are to take crap from someone, just because they turn you on. And there you were thinking masturbation was just a way to scratch an itch! It’s actually revolutionary, therapeutic… and, yes, intimate, when you do it right.

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Dream Interpretation: I Dreamed of the Guy Who Asked Me to Get an Abortion

October 9, 2014

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Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it (18 and older only, please). This week, a reader asks Lauri:

I keep having dreams of a guy I had a fling with 3 years ago. I ended up getting pregnant and thought it was his and he wanted me to abort. Thank goodness I kept it and it was not his. That made me lose all respect for him, so why in the world does he keep popping up in my dreams?

Lauri: That is a good question and hopefully I can help you! You didn’t provide any details from the dreams, so I will do my best with what you’ve given me.

We tend to dream about things that are affecting us the most because our dreams are trying to help us out with it. While the guy may not be affecting you, odds are, remnants from the situation remain and that is what is affecting you. The guy has become a symbol for it. He wanted you to cut your pregnancy short but instead you allowed your pregnancy to go to term and you were rewarded with, not only a beautiful child, but also with the knowledge that he was not the father. A valuable lesson was learned.

So perhaps he is showing up in your dreams now because something else is going on in your life that you are feeling pressure (from others or even self imposed pressure) to put an end to. He could be a subconscious reminder that it is best to allow something to play out or to go ahead and follow through with something rather than putting a stop to it.

Life is full of mistakes that result in valuable lessons. Those lessons will often be imprinted into our subconscious minds in the form of the person who helped us learn the lesson. So remember, the dreams are probably not about him but rather the lesson that miserable sumabitch taught ya: don’t be like this guy and give up prematurely!
Visit Lauri’s brand new site, WhatYourDreamMeans.com, for even more dream interpretations! If you want to be able to figure out your own dreams every morning, then check out her latest book, Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, which will give you the tools you need to become a dream expert, too. Check out all of Lauri’s books here.

 

 

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How to Tell If Your Partner Is Emotionally Abusing You

October 7, 2014

2 Comments


by YourTango  |  photo via flickr

Is it possible that you are being abused and not even know it? Abuse is not always as obvious as being hit or shoved, called degrading names or cussed out. In fact, it can very well be underhanded or subtle. You may find yourself feeling confused about the relationship, off balance or like you are “walking on eggshells” all the time. This is the kind of abuse that often sneaks up on you as you become more entrenched in the relationship. I am talking here about psychological abuse, which is also known as mental or emotional abuse.

Psychological abuse occurs when a person in the relationship tries to control information available to another person with intent to manipulate that person’s sense of reality or their view of what is acceptable and not acceptable. Psychological abuse often contains strong emotionally manipulative content and threats designed to force the victim to comply with the abuser’s wishes. All abuse takes a severe toll on self-esteem. The abused person starts feeling helpless and possibly even hopeless. In addition, most mental abusers are adept at convincing the victim that the abuse is his/her fault. Somehow, the victim is responsible for what happened.

A more sophisticated form of psychological abuse is often referred to as “gaslighting.” This happens when false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity. Examples may range simply from the abuser denying that previous abusive incidents ever occurred to staging bizarre events with the intention of confusing the victim. I listened to a client tell me that her husband denied an affair after his she found a racy email to another woman on his computer and confronted him. The husband vehemently denied this and when so far as to send an email to his tech guy asking how his account could have been hacked and to fix the problem!

Read the full article at YourTango:  21 Signs Emotional Abuse Is Happening In Your Relationship



What Men Really Think About Fake Boobs

October 7, 2014

3 Comments

Advice from three of our “Wise Guy” friends. This week a straight woman asks, “So what’s the deal with fake boobs — are straight guys into them or not? Does it make a difference whether they’re just looking (e.g. porn, strip club, Hollywood star) vs. touching (e.g. a hook-up)? And does it make a difference whether the hook-up is casual or relationship material?”

Gay Single Guy (Jay Dyckman): Here’s the thing about fake boobs. They work. It’s the same for gay guys. Just substitute silicone for steroids. I know plenty of guys who have gone from Plain Jane to Ripped Rita via syringe, and rollicked in all the dating perks that come with that.  It is lame, they look ridiculous, but it truly, truly works.  To be totally fair, though, the real equivalent would be penile implants, which are currently as effective as supergluing Play-doh around the member so it appears larger.  And let me tell you, if they ever perfect the art of penile enhancement, every guy you know will have an eleven-inch penis.  Let me repeat:  Every.  Guy.  You.  Know.  At that point, glance waist level in a locker room and it would look like something Tarzan used to traverse the jungle. Which is why it amazes — and inspires — me that every woman doesn’t have humungous breasts.  You are the stronger sex.  Like I said, if men were in that position, this would be a nation of Pamela Mandersons. (Oh, and indulge a gay guy:  Why are “A-cup” boobs small and “D-cup” boobs big?  Shouldn’t it be the reverse?  As in, “Look at those grade A boobs!  She’s stacked.”  And flat girls are in danger of socially failing with a “D”?  I mean, this is classic grading on a curve, right?)

Straight Single Guy (Tyler Barnett): As a guy in my twenties, I have basically grown up surrounded by breast implants, so they don’t tend to faze me. I can recall on more than one occasion pointing out a beautiful girl, and hearing an older guy say, “But she has fake boobs,” and I’m like, “So what?” To me, fake boobs usually look better than their natural counterpart (which is not to say I haven’t seen horrendous, overdone and very strange looking fake breasts). But admittedly, much like artificially flavored food, no matter how close to the original they get, the real thing always tastes better. Saline boobs tend to feel like water balloons, which can take away from the heat of the moment. I’ve felt silicone ones that were so close to the real thing it didn’t matter, but at the end of the day a soft real breast is as sexy as it gets — and I think most men would agree. Besides, bigger isn’t always better. While I appreciate a large set of melons as much as the next guy, I also think small breasts can be very sexy. Another concern is if my future wife could breastfeed. (Didn’t China just recall baby formula because it contained Melamine? No thank you.) Ultimately, though, men love breasts — big, small, real, fake, we usually are just happy to see them, feel them, sleep on them. The decision to get implants should be the woman’s without any outside influence. Whatever you decide, like the bra you wear, we men will support you.

Straight Married Guy (Jim): There’s definitely a difference between looking and touching. The only time I’ve ever (knowingly) handled fake breasts, they felt like the knees of a Shaq-sized newborn: velvety-soft but concealing a hard, round mass.  (That means they were cheap, right?)  I have never heard my straight male friends say anything negative about the sight of fake boobs (or about the individual woman for having a surgically enhanced bust, for that matter), but displeasure has been expressed with the feel of stony fakes.  Most men wouldn’t avoid a hook-up based on bust fakery, unless they’re reading into your personality through your bra.  It’s still a hook-up, right?  But as with anything else in the bedroom that can’t be changed through intimacy and patience alone, if it’s a turnoff for this theoretical guy, it might sink the relationship.

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Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Straight Married Guy is Jim from New York, our Gay Guy is Jay Dyckman, an LA copywriter, and our Single Straight Guy is Tyler Barnett, owner of the LA PR firm Barnett Ellman. To ask the guys your own question, click here.



Your Call: My Wife Never Initiates Sex

October 6, 2014

4 Comments


photo via Flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE*
Advice Service!

 

 

Dear Em & Lo,

I’ve been married for five years, and my wife and I have a great sex life. We have sex probably two or three times a week, and I’m pretty sure we both have a good time — we try new things, we try new positions, the whole deal. The problem is, she NEVER initiates sex. I’ve told her many times that this bothers me and she always promises to make an effort and then never does. She says she’s just used to me making the move, and forgets to do it herself. She always seems happy to have sex when I initiate, so I don’t understand why she never makes the first move herself? And what more can I do to make her realize what a bummer it is never to be asked?

– Wallflower

What should Wallflower do? Leave your advice in the comments section below.


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Top 10 Tips for Erotic Spanking

October 3, 2014

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photo via Flickr

Hand-to-bum contact, if you can pull it off without cracking up (heh, we said crack), is a great way to add some kinky flavor to your next sesh. It’s intimate, it’s saucy, and — when compared to, say, a whip or a flogger — it’s safe for newbies to try out. Also, one study found that it can actually bring couples closer. Now that’s something we can get behind (sorry…). Try a few spanks during a particularly passionate bout of intercourse, or make spanking the main goal. If you’re keen on the latter, then follow these important guidelines:

  1. Have the spankee lie across your lap, kneel on a bed, stretch out stomach-down, or bend over something they can put their full weight on for comfort.
  2. Remove all your bracelets and rings.
  3. Start with a bum massage to warm things up.
  4. When it comes to actually spanking, start slowly and build up intensity gradually with your partner’s permission, varying your pressure and strokes. You may even want to begin over jeans or underwear first. Keep checking in with your partner to make sure the pain is pleasant — you’re going for a rosie glow, not an imposed inability to sit down for three days.
  5. Contain your spanking to the lower, fleshier halves of each cheek and the backs of the upper thighs (even if you’re just having a spanking snack during sex, this area should be your target) — avoid the lower back, tailbone, and back of the knees.
  6. Follow each love pat with a short massage, too, to spread out the pain and keep things nice and warm.
  7. A woman might like particular attention paid at the intersection of bum crack and crease, with the vibrations reverberating throughout the vulva, but definitely steer clear of his family jewels.
  8. Remember that, because of your close proximity to your partner, spanking is especially great for pleasantly diddling their front side while patting their backside.
  9. If you don’t want your hand to get numb, let a paddle do the work. It’s easy to control the aim and the force (way easier than whips, which are too dangerous for dabblers). Made-for-play paddles are available at any sex toy shop. However, there’s really no need to invest in a pricey paddle when you’ve got a variety of household items that’ll do the job: a wide plastic spatula, a rubber-soled slipper, and, of course, a ping pong paddle.
  10. Need spanking inspiration? Check out Naughty Spanking Stories from A to Z by Rachel Kramer Bussel (there’s even a volume two if you can’t get enough spanking!).



Dream Interpretation: My Two Best Friends Kissed Each Other

October 2, 2014

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Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it (18 and older only, please). This week, a reader asks Lauri:

So last night I had a weird dream where I was with three other friends, and I think I’m bi, and two of my friends kinda like progressed through a relationship throughout the dream. They eventually starting kissing right in front of us and it was my best friend and another friend of mine. I think the characters were those people because all of us are on the volleyball team and we had a game last night. I don’t remember who the other person was who was with me, but I remember how they were always kissing and holding hands. They’re both girls. What does this mean?

Lauri: It’s not likely that this dream means that these two friends of yours have “special feelings” for each other. However, it may mean that they have connected in some way, causing you to feel somewhat left out.

You mentioned that you are all on a team together and had a game the day prior to the dream. Do you recall if these two friends united as teammates and progressed the game through their teamwork with each other? I think the progression is an important element to this dream. Are they progressing as players? Or perhaps they had a pretty involved and intimate conversation recently that you were aware of.

Remember, kissing in dreams is more often about communication in real life than it is about an actual desire to make out. The holding hands in this dream does show a united front, so I can’t help but feel this may be about how they are progressing as teammates. But you should also ask yourself if they had a united front in some other way.

Finally, it is also possible that they both symbolize something you want in a relationship for yourself. Is there a quality that each possesses that you like? Your dream may be showing you that, for example, friend A’s sense of humor is really attractive and friend B’s ability to be a good listener is pretty great, too, and these are two qualities you want in your ideal partner and two qualities that will allow a relationship to progress. Whatever the case, it’s all good, baby!

 

Visit Lauri’s brand new site, WhatYourDreamMeans.com, for even more dream interpretations! If you want to be able to figure out your own dreams every morning, then check out her latest book, Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, which will give you the tools you need to become a dream expert, too. Check out all of Lauri’s books here.

 

 

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10 Worst Things About Married Sex

September 30, 2014

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Before Midnight

Before all the married people out there take offense, we should note that we are both married, and happily so. We’re not curmudgeons; we already listed the 10 Best Things About Married Sex – and for the record, those ten things were way easier to come up with! – but we believe firmly in looking at both sides of the picture (not in a Fox-News-climate-change-denier-”scientists” way, but in a realistic way). Also, the stuff below is just plain true, at least sometimes. In reality, though, there’s no contest: we’ll take married sex every time. So consider the list below a warning not about how bad married sex is, but about how bad it can get if you don’t pay a little attention.

1. It’s Sex with the Same Person… For the Rest of Your Life

We suppose we may as well get this one out of the way with first, seeing as, for many people, this is the only thing you need to know about married sex. Even if you’re in an open relationship and get to throw other people into the mix, you’re still sleeping with one person — your spouse — over and over and over again. All the chemistry and communication in the world can’t match the occasional boredom this will cause.

2. It’s Easy to Go On Autopilot

As we noted in our list of superlatives about married sex, marriage means having an advanced degree in each other’s bodies. It’s great to know each other’s sweet spots so well, but this also means that it’s all too easy to check out during sex and go on autopilot. You get lazy about paying attention to the way your partner’s body responds to something, and you get lazy about staying in the moment. Sure, it’s great not to have to concentrate so hard during sex, but it’s not so great when you find yourself thinking about what you’d like to eat for dinner.

3. You Rely On Old Routines

When you find something that works in bed, it’s easy to turn to it again and again and again. For example, if you’ve figured out how to have simultaneous orgasms in bed, then it takes a team effort to agree to try something else that might not have such a happy ending, at least not the first (or first hundred) times. When you first start sleeping with someone, every sex session feels like an opportunity to learn more about your partner, but with married sex, it’s easy to plateau and not realize it (or simply not care).

4. You Put Off Trying New Things

Remember Scarlett O’Hara’s famous quote at the end of Gone with the Wind?  Well, when you’re married, tomorrow is always another day. And you can find yourself putting things off endlessly because you figure, hey, we’ll be having sex for decades, there’ll be time later. Time later to try a new position, time later to try something kinky, time later to work on living out that fantasy together.

5. You Hold Old Grudges

The longer you’ve been with someone, the more things they’ve likely done over the years to annoy you. Perhaps it’s the way they spray the mirror with toothpaste every time they brush their teeth, or the way they load the dishwasher, or the way they sneak glances at their phone during mealtimes. Big or small, these grudges can pop up when you least expect them — and being reminded of one of them right before, or even during sex can seriously spoil the occasion.

6. You Know Each Other Too Well

We’re constantly saying that communication is the key to good sex, but the problem with all that communication is that it develops a real bond. Don’t get us wrong, bonding with your spouse is pretty awesome — that’s the essence of modern marriage, after all. But intimacy can be at odds with eroticism in the bedroom. Desire requires some kind of distance, which can mean that the closer you get to your partner, the harder it is to step back and truly desire them. We burp, we fart, we might even poop when the other person is in the room. We ask each other to check our bodies for tick bites, or apply ointment to a hard-to-reach mole that the dermatologist removed. Having someone around to check your butt crack for tick bites is one of the many advantages of marriage — who else is going to do that for you, after all? — but these things do tend to eat away at the mystery, which can lead to sex that feels companionable rather than steamy. Comfort sex like this, at the right time, can be just what the doctor ordered — but it’s hard to transition from comfort sex into, say, Japanese rope bondage or roleplaying doctor and nurse. It’s too easy, in this mode, to resort to laughter rather than taking the kinky scenario seriously — you’ll be more likely to crack each other up than turn each other on. Of course, cracking each other up in bed is one of the benefits of married sex, but it’s nice to get kinky every now and then, too.

7. Everything Is a Quickie

If you can climax quickly together, sometimes it’s hard to see the point in taking the scenic route instead, especially when sex ends up at the very bottom of your to-do list — after taking the kids to dance class, packing their school lunches, watching some awesome new show on Netflix, etc, etc. So the quickie ends up becoming your new baseline. Which can sometimes feel like you’re nothing more than a human masturbatory aid for your spouse.

8. You Have No New Material

Unless you commit to learning new things together (er, may we politely suggest one of our books?) or decide to open your marriage, once you stop sleeping with other people, there are no new partners to bring new ideas to the table (or, rather, to the bedroom). So your repertoire is now permanently limited to the things you two knew when you first met. Which is a very good reason to keep reading EMandLO.com daily!

9. You’re Not Always Particularly Attracted to Each Other

It’s simply not possible to be hot and heavy for your partner, every day, til death (or divorce) do you part. Attraction between spouses waxes and wanes over the years, and this is totally normal. You might find yourself stuck for months in one of these valleys and wondering if you’ll ever desire your partner again — and then, suddenly, you do. But when you’re stuck there, having sex with your mate can feel a lot like homework (or worse).

10. You Take the Sex for Granted

One of the great things about getting married is that you’ll never again have to stay out til three a.m. drinking vodka-Red Bulls and hoping that your creative dance moves will get you laid. Sex is right there waiting for you two, even when you’re both sitting on the couch in sweats. Besides, the level of obsessive primping and polishing you do at the beginning of a relationship cannot realistically be maintained 24/7 over a lifetime together, when kids/illness/aging happens. So it’s easy to take married sex for granted, and stop trying to impress each other, which only exacerbates the lack of mystery. And, of course, the more often you take married sex for granted, the more likely you are to turn around one day and find yourself suddenly no longer able to take it for granted after all.

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Your Call: The Relationship Is Great, the Sex Not So Much

September 29, 2014

5 Comments


photo via Flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE*
Advice Service!

 

 

Dear Em & Lo,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years. We have a very healthy relationship and I love him to bits. I have a problem with our sex life. For the first year or so he didn’t make me orgasm at all. But I’m pretty laid back, and in that new relationship bliss I was happy just having sex with him. When I finally got sick of never climaxing, we had a really awkward conversation about it and some things changed, i.e. he starting using his fingers when going down on me, and I can get off when I’m on top. Still, I probably climax maybe 1 out of 5 times when we have sex and it bothers me. I find it hard to get turned on because I know there probably isn’t a happy ending for me.

To complicate things, my relationship with my ex (and only other boyfriend) was lacking in all other respects but was super sexually satisfying. We could spend, quite literally, an entire Sunday having sex and I had orgasms all the time. My current boyfriend is better looking, better endowed, and all around much more amazing, but I am so much less excited about having sex with him. The only thing I can think of is that it doesn’t matter to him whether I have an orgasm or not. It feels like he isn’t trying. By contrast, my ex really enjoyed getting me off.

I feel like talking about it has not gotten me where I want to go, and I’m afraid if I keep bringing it up he will get discouraged and give up altogether. I really miss having great sex. I don’t know how to fix this.

– Blue Box

What should BB do? Leave your advice in the comments section below.


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