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Wise Guys: My Girlfriend Says Porn Is a Dealbreaker, Is She Right?

June 10, 2014

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photo via flickr

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “What do you do if your girlfriend, whom you love very much, doesn’t understand why you like and watch porn occasionally: she’s intellectually and viscerally opposed to it, thinks it is a horrible industry that exploits people and perpetuates sexism and misogyny, and has suggested to me that it might be a deal breaker?”

Straight Single Guy (L.A. Chris): Well she has a point, but she doesn’t fully understand men if she makes that a deal breaker. (Good luck finding a man who doesn’t like porn; it’s hard enough to find one that doesn’t like sports!) Some porn is perfectly healthy, and if a guy can’t explain that convincingly, or is too afraid to put his foot down, then he should throw in the towel and throw away his stash. That’s not to say he can’t dabble now and again, but he should stay away from the Brazilian fart porn and Japanese girls exchanging bodily fluids just in case.

Straight Married Guy (Fred): Keep it a secret from her!  Okay, you could try to explain that it has nothing to do with her, that she’s not in any competition with it, that it’s a normal and unavoidable part of being a guy, and that she’ll never find any guy who doesn’t look at porn from time to time… or you could just make it a private thing.  Don’t talk about it and definitely don’t let her see any signs of it.  Ignorance is bliss. If you’re feeling lucky, you could also point out her relationship with shoes (or women’s magazines, or whatever) and say that you’re viscerally opposed to it, think it is a horrible industry that exploits people and perpetuates sexism and misogyny, and suggest that it might be a deal breaker.

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10 Steps to Crossing the Finishing Line in Bed Tonight

June 6, 2014

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One of the most common questions we receive from women is, “How can I orgasm in bed with my partner?” We hear some version of this question at least once a week. The really demanding women want to know how to orgasm simultaneously during penetration, every time. If this is you, then sorry, you’re out of luck. If we knew the answer to that question, we’d be richer than Oprah.

But here are ten things we do know that will help increase your chances of orgasmic success in bed tonight…

1. Are you assuming that “sex” means penile penetration? If so, that’s your first mistake. Maybe you’ve tried many intercourse positions, but it’s not necessarily an intercourse position that will ultimately do it for you — maybe it’s oral sex, or handwork, or some combination of the two. There’s no shame in getting your orgasm via non-intercourse means — the majority of women don’t. Nor is there any shame in you having your orgasm and then him having his. Remember, sex — especially for women — doesn’t necessarily happen in a straight line, i.e.  your orgasm won’t necessarily be located conveniently at his finish line, or vice versa. Plus, it’s much easier for gals to keep going after a Big O than the lads. And you may find that certain intercourse positions feel even better (perhaps even orgasmic) after you’ve had one orgasm.

2. Again, intercourse alone is orgasmic for very few women, given how far the clitoris is from the vaginal opening — and how key clitoral stimulation is for most women’s orgasms. So don’t forget to supplement all those positions with a little extra clitoral stimulation — your hand, his hand, a small vibrator, a helpful neighbor’s hand…

3. Three words: Coital Alignment Technique. Learn it, live it, love it. In fact, any position where your bodies are mashed up against each other is good — because close contact means more friction down there, and more friction down there means more clitoral stimulation.

4. Try a vibrating love ring, like this one from GoodVibes. Because vibrating clitoral stimulation could be just the thing your intercourse life has been missing. You know all those times a dude looks at a sex toy and thinks, “Hey, my penis doesn’t vibrate like that?” Well, now it can!

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Dream Interpretation: Why Am I a Cheating Harlot in My Dreams?

June 5, 2014

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Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it (18 and older only, please). This week, a reader asks Lauri:

I have dreams literally ALL the time that I am cheating on my boyfriend. I don’t have the guts to cheat on him, and that’s something I promised I would NEVER do. I love him more than anything. All these dreams I have are about guys I know.

Dream #1: I am in my bedroom having sex with my friend’s boyfriend. I had sex with his brother a while back, but I’ve never been attracted to him. At the end of my dream I always say, “I can’t do this; I can’t cheat on my boyfriend,” and I wake up.

Dream #2: This happened last night. I dreamt that I was at a family party. This guy — who used to be like family ever since I was born, and I’ve always thought he was so attractive — was there. He has a wife and a kid now and he’s a lot older than me, but in my dream I see him and get excited and hug him and he sits down and puts me on his lap and starts making out with me. Then he says, “Let’s go have sex,” and I say, “I can’t; I just cheated on my boyfriend,” and woke up.

I really don’t remember my other dreams, but please help me, because every time I wake up it just feels like it wasn’t a dream and I feel so guilty.

Lauri: Cheating dreams, whether we are the cheater or the cheated upon, always bring about one hell of an emotional response… and that’s where I would like to begin. In my latest book, Dream On It, Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, I have a chapter on the 10 rules to remember when decoding your dream, and one of them is that the emotion you are left with from your dream is connected to that same emotion you are experiencing over something in your waking life.

Your emotion is guilt. So what is it you are feeling guilty about in your relationship? In the dream you are cheating, so that’s a big clue. Usually cheating dreams are caused by a third wheel in the relationship, but rather than the third wheel being another person, it is usually a thing — something to which someone in the relationship is giving too much time and attention.

You are the guilty party here, so what is it that you are doing that might be causing your boyfriend to feel “cheated” out of his time and attention with you? Are you working too much? Are you spending more time with friends or family than with him? Whatever it is, deep down you know it is wrong, and not helping the relationship, so take these dreams as a wake up call to give your relationship a little more T.L.C. When you do, the dreams will stop.
Visit Lauri’s brand new site, WhatYourDreamMeans.com, for even more dream interpretations! If you want to be able to figure out your own dreams every morning, then check out her latest book, Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, which will give you the tools you need to become a dream expert, too. Check out all of Lauri’s books here.

 

 

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Top 10 Love Lessons from The Bachelorette (Andi, Ep 3 & 4)

June 3, 2014

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photo courtesy of ABC/David Moir

  1. On a date, do not go on and on about what a nerd you were in high school — that’s a story best told after they’ve fallen in love with the totally rad person you are today.
  2. That said, do wear cool, memorable pants.
  3. Never underestimate the power of unexpected flowers and a sweet note.
  4. Never airbrush on a six-pack (we’re pretty sure the producers insisted on “enhancing” Marcus’s).
  5. If you have something on your mind that’s bothering you, you owe it to your date to let them know so they don’t take it personally. No need to go into great detail, just give them a heads up that you’re having an off day.
  6. Men, follow the example of this season’s group of bachelors: they’re affectionate (not just with Andi but with each other), they talk about their emotions easily, they’re not afraid to cry, etc. After all, it’s alright to cry, crying gets the sad out of you…
  7. “Not everything happens for a reason.” Finally someone said it! Thank you, Marcus!
  8. If your natural serious face makes you look like you’re smelling something really bad, you might want to work on some alternative expression with practice in a mirror.
  9. If you don’t feel chemistry with each other, don’t try to force something that’s not there. Just walk away from the relationship with grace and dignity.
  10. If someone you dated very briefly dies, don’t go on and on about how hard it is for you.

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Your Call: I’m Too Anxious to Enter the Dating World

June 2, 2014

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photo via flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section.

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE* Advice Service!

 

Hi Em & Lo,

I’m a 20-something young lady who never dated throughout high school or university. I am a professional with a steady income, and occasionally go on dates. However, I can never let things get beyond a few dates because of my intense anxiety. I can’t ever seem to let the date get beyond going out for supper because I tense up when sitting with a guy on a couch.

I have a few guy friends and have no issues hanging out with them, but when it comes to the thought of dating or getting ready for a date, my stomach twists into knots and I freak out. I have never really been kissed because the couple of times it happened I didn’t let things get too far and kicked them out.

Part of my fear comes from the unknown – because I’ve never been in the situation, I don’t fully know what to expect. Also, even though logically I know that a guy is unlikely to go further than I want to, I’m afraid that he’ll push me beyond my boundaries. Which admittedly aren’t very far out there.

Have you got any advice to get over this? I really want to be comfortable enough with a guy that I can sit on a couch and watch a movie with him, and enjoy the intimacy that being in a relationship brings!

– Nervous Nelly

Do you have advice to share with Nervous Nelly on how she can conquer her anxiety and enter the dating world? Share your thoughts in the comments section below.

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Dream Interpretation: I Impregnated My Best Friend’s Sister

May 29, 2014

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photo via flickr

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it (18 and older only, please). This week, a reader asks Lauri:

I had the strangest dream where I married my best friend’s sister and then got her pregnant. This is already strange, but what doesn’t make sense is my best friend doesn’t have a sister, he’s an only child. It also couldn’t be a cousin of his, because his girl cousins are all older or younger than me by a lot. The girl in the dream was my age and she didn’t look like anybody I recognized. I don’t remember what her name was, but it doesn’t seem like it was the name of somebody I know. What does this all mean?

Lauri: You are trying to connect the woman in your dream to an actual, real life woman and are looking at your dream literally rather than symbolically, which is why you can’t make sense of it. The woman in your dream is symbolic of YOU! Your dream is giving us clues as to what part of you she represents.

First of all, she is female, which means she is either your caring, nurturing self, or she is your creative self. These qualities are typically considered female energy or yin energy… the softer side of an individual.

She is also your best friend’s sister, which means she is probably a part of yourself that you like, the part of you that is a helpful friend to yourself rather than the part of you that is too hard on yourself or holds yourself back.

And finally, you married and impregnated her. This tells us she is the part of you that has committed to something recently and a part of you that is productive, the part of you that can “give birth” to new ideas, projects, etc. With all this in mind, what is in the works right now in your life? This dream is telling you to stick with it, as new things are around the corner for you!
Visit Lauri’s brand new site, WhatYourDreamMeans.com, for even more dream interpretations! If you want to be able to figure out your own dreams every morning, then check out her latest book, Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, which will give you the tools you need to become a dream expert, too. Check out all of Lauri’s books here.

 

 

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Top 5 Love Lessons from “The Bachelorette” (Andi, Ep 2)

May 27, 2014

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photo courtesy of ABC/Todd Wawrychuk

  1. Don’t let your snowboard instructor (ballroom dance instructor, pottery instructor, etc) touch your date more than you.
  2. Don’t show your date your anus on your second date, whether accidentally or not.
  3. You can ask your date “What’s the worst thing about your parents?” as long as A) you’re not wasted, B) you’re not being filmed, and C) you seriously want to know and it wasn’t just the first question that popped into your drunk head.
  4. We’ve said it before, and we’ll say it again: don’t get blotto on an early date. That said, in the same vein, don’t be such an uptight wet-noodle that you poop all over the party when someone who’s had a stressful day (becoming a professional stripper competing with some of the most ripped torsos in America on national television) overindulges at said soiree (where he’s being plied with drinks and underfed while continuing to compete with these Adonises) — you don’t have to give a bro a rose, but give a bro a break.
  5. Date Fashion-Don’ts: A) Don’t get dressed up fancy when the majority of people where you’re going will be wearing sleeveless tees, camo shorts and sneaks. B) Don’t wear anything you don’t feel comfortable in. Case in point: Andi was walking around with shoulders hunched up like Quasimodo in an attempt to avoid a wardrobe malfunction at her rose-ceremony cocktail party. And finally C) Don’t over-mix-and-match. For example, you can mismatch your shirt and tie, and you can mismatch your shirt and socks, but you can’t mismatch all three (that’s overkill, Marquel).

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Dream Interpretation: My Dreams Make Me Want to Contact My Ex

May 22, 2014

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vintage album cover via flickr

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it (18 and older only, please). This week, a reader asks Lauri:

I’ve been having lots of dreams lately of me cheating or wanting to cheat on my boyfriend. In the most recent one I was “hooking up” with someone that I had dated before my current boyfriend, but that he knows of, and we were hiding within the same house and we didn’t get caught. Then I wake up with this really bad anxiety to contact my ex. Does that probably mean I’m not happy anymore with my current partner?

Lauri: Dreaming of hooking up with the ex is reeeeeeeeeeeally common. Typically, the ex isn’t playing himself (or herself) but instead represents something from that relationship that you wish to bring into your current one. Was there more excitement and passion? More friendship? Whatever it is, it seems that you aren’t speaking up about it but are keeping it to yourself, hence the hiding in the dream.

Contacting your ex is not the best idea. Remember, he is an ex for a reason. These dreams aren’t urging you to get back with him, but rather are enlightening you to what you feel is missing in your current relationship. So don’t keep it to yourself, if something isn’t right, if something seems to be missing, communicate that to your boyfriend. A good relationship is always under construction. Communication feeds the relationship. Keeping things to yourself will only starve it.

Visit Lauri’s brand new site, WhatYourDreamMeans.com, for even more dream interpretations! If you want to be able to figure out your own dreams every morning, then check out her latest book, Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, which will give you the tools you need to become a dream expert, too. Check out all of Lauri’s books here.

 

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Dear Em & Lo: I’m 21 and Tired Of Being Single

May 21, 2014

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Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE* Advice Service!

 

Dear Em & Lo,

I am 21 years old. I am currently single and not dating anyone. I have only been in love once in my life, but unfortunately the relationship did not work out. It’s frustrating being the single one in my group of friends. I am constantly wondering how they find relationships so easily, and I have the hardest time finding a guy I can connect with. I can go months without meeting anyone, then when I do finally meet a guy either he turns out being a jerk or I just don’t feel a connection.

At this point in my life, I really want a committed relationship. I have been told that I have to put myself out there more. I have also been told that it will happen when I least expect it. At this point I am tired of waiting, but I also do not think I should make finding a relationship a mission. So my main question is: Should I take a more active role in my love life? Or should I just let things happen?

Sincerely,

Miss Connection

Dear Miss Connection,

One of our favorite lines in movie history is when Demi Moore, coked out and lonely and broke in St. Elmo’s Fire, says, “I never thought I’d be so tired at 22.” It was funny when we were 22, and it’s even funnier now. (Okay, so we’re not completely heartless: In the context of the movie, it’s pretty bleak, but as quotable lines go, it’s pretty funny.)

Not that we’re laughing at you, of course. But to hear a 21-year-old complain about how tired she is of being single, well… get used to it. Or, rather, find a way to be okay with it. Right now, getting comfortable with being single is a hundred times more important than finding someone to date.

You actually shouldn’t find the person you want to marry right now — what a bummer that would be, in fact! You’re way too young to think about marriage, kids, mortgage, divorce. (Yes, we said divorce: If you head toward marriage at 21, then you better be ready to head toward divorce, too.*) What you should be doing instead is enjoying being single, and all that entails — casual dating, ladies’ nights, not dating at all, booty calls (if that’s your thing), TV marathons, reading marathons, one-night stands (again, if that’s your thing), “finding yourself,” finding your G-spot, staying out late, sleeping in late, and all that jazz. If you find The One right now — and, for the record, we think the concept of The One is B.S. anyway — you’ll miss out on everything that’s fun about your twenties.

If you’re wondering why your friends find relationships so easily, we’re guessing it’s that they’re less picky. You’re doing it right: You’re steering clear of relationships with guys who are jerks, or with guys where there’s no connection. Congratulations, it takes some people until their forties to figure this out! Your friends aren’t lucky or blessed; rather, they’re still learning — or maybe they just hate to be alone (again: still learning).

You’re right, you shouldn’t make finding a relationship your mission. Right now, at 21, your mission is yourself. Your career, your finances, your body (including the many and varied routes to your own orgasm), your hopes and dreams for the future. Yes, those hopes and dreams can include a partner and children, but just not yet. Let those things happen. Continue to be picky. (Oh, and for the record: Some people only fall in love once or twice their entire lives, so to have experienced that once by 21 is pretty good!)

Stay picky, Ponyboy,

Em & Lo

* And yes, we realize there are exceptions to this rule. Two of our most happily married friends got married and had their first kid in college. But not everybody gets to be an exception to the rule, and it’s probably not you.

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Top 5 Love Lessons from The Bachelorette (Andi, Ep 1)

May 20, 2014

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photo courtesy of ABC/Rick Rowell

  1. When on a date, follow the same rule of the writer: show, don’t tell. Do not say “I have a lot to offer” as your opening gambit. Prove it by being charming, smart, funny, compassionate and so on.
  2. Do not refer to your date as “ma’am” at any point, even if you’re just trying to be polite (we’re talking to you, “Yes ma’am” Marquel).
  3. Don’t have a type. As Andi wisely noted, she’s always been attracted to a particular type of guy but she’s still single, so it’s probably time to mix things up. Keeping an open mind when it comes to dating will only increase your chances of finding love.
  4. Know when to stop drinking on a first date. Did you notice all the guys drinking tea and coffee by the end of the evening? Now that’s refreshing.
  5. If you have to explain your name by saying “It’s ‘anal’ with an ‘m’,” have your name legally changed (we’re talking to you, Emil).

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