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The Amount of Sexual Attention Testicles Should Be Given

March 24, 2015

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photo via flickr
Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: Should I pay more attention to my boyfriend’s balls?

Straight Single Guy (Mark): Well, at least don’t forget about them.  Getting past the generic notion that everyone’s preferences are different, and thus communication with your partner is key — absolutely true of course — I’d imagine that some guys rather enjoy the attention there, others could take it or leave it, and still others might even be quite averse to any focus there.  It could even vary from session to session depending on the mood.  I’d probably most equate it to nipples for gals — certainly an erotic component of the sensual buffet that shouldn’t be completely neglected by any means, but bottom line, they’re not the feature attraction.  Pay attention to them to the extent that they’re a complementary ingredient to an exquisite main course, and accordingly, season to, um, taste.

Straight Married Guy (Figleaf): I’m sure it’s not what you meant, but if you don’t pay attention, you can accidentally hurt him.  Which brings up the most important thing about paying attention to his balls: even if you’re careful, he still might flinch until he’s sure you won’t hurt them.  The great news is the skin covering balls is marvelously sensitive.  And responsive!  Most women have had partners who can’t get enough of using a light touch to crinkle their nipples…and then to soften them again by cupping or mouthing to warm them back up again.  You can do much the same thing to crinkle his balls and then relax them again.  It won’t hurt him, the combination of sensations will feel good to him, and you may find it just as fascinating.  Final hint?  It feels wonderful to have one’s balls lightly tickled or scratched during orgasm.

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10 Questions to Ask Each Other Before Getting Married

March 24, 2015

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We’re not talking here about the kinds of questions everyone should ask each other before deciding to get married — things that could be actual deal-breakers, like, Do you want kids? And, Are you a member of the Republican party? No, these ten questions are things you should ask each other in order to have a more harmonious, fulfilling marriage together. The answers to these questions shouldn’t be deal-breakers — but knowing the answers to these questions should help make you a better spouse.

We don’t expect you to do exactly as your partner would like after asking and answering these questions — after all, their preferences might be completely unreasonable! (Ahem, porn, ahem.) But it is helpful, at least, to know what their preferences are, so you can be sensitive to them.

(Oh, and: All this advice could also refer to people are deciding simply to co-habitate ’til death do them part. For the purposes of this article, “marriage” is simply short-hand for “forever love.”)

1. Where do you draw the line between intimacy and T.M.I.?

Are you okay with me peeing in front of you? Should I close the door before pooping? What about hair removal? Should I knock if the bathroom door is closed? Do we have an open-fart policy? Would you prefer I didn’t read your email and text messages? Etc.

2.

a. What are your feelings on masturbation?

I will probably want to masturbate at some point during our marriage. Possibly fairly often. Where and how would you prefer I did this? And are you okay knowing that I do this, or would you prefer a don’t-ask-don’t-approach to self-love?

b. What’s your position on porn/erotica?

Will we be watching/reading it together? Can or should we watch/read it alone? Do you have any restrictions on the kind  you’d prefer I consumed (or how often, or where, etc)? Do you think restrictions are reasonable to begin with? Would you like me to always let you know when I’m going to enjoy it? Or would you prefer that I never discuss porn with you and pretend it doesn’t exist?

3. How much or little can we let ourselves go?

FYI, it’s much easier to discuss this topic before either of you adds on fifty pounds. Does your partner expect to be found attractive through thick and thin…waistlines? You may always love your partner, no matter how they look — that’s easy to promise. But attraction is a different beast. Sure, there are some things people can’t control (disease-repeated weight gain, genetic hair loss, etc.), but we all have a certain amount of control over the way we look. Do you expect your partner to take pains to fight the aging process, or do you expect that with age (and marriage) comes some amount of inevitable, understandable, and therefore forgivable deterioration? Where along this spectrum do you two lie, and if it’s worlds apart, can you meet somewhere in the middle?

4. Will we air our dirty laundry?

Do you mind if I tell my friends when we have a fight? Do you mind if I tell them when we have really good sex? What about if we have really bad sex? Can I talk about your crazy family?

5. Do you want me to tell you if you’re having a bad hair (etc.) day?

Yes, it is a spousal responsibility to let each other know if one of you has a piece of toilet paper stuck to their shoe, spinach in their teeth, or their fly down. But what about the other stuff in life? Do you want me to be honest when you try on an outfit for me? Do you want me to honest when you ask if your hair is thinning? Do you want me to tell you if you’re being too loud at a party? Do you want me to tell you if that anecdote you’ve been bringing out at every single social gathering is really not that funny? Etc.

6. How do you feel about ladies’/guys’ nights out?

How often will we be seeing our friends without each other? Are there any activities you would be bummed about if I did them without you? (And, related: Which TV shows can I go ahead and watch some episodes of without you while you’re gone?)

7. How do you feel about my exes?

Are we staying in touch with our exes? Just Facebook? Just email? Phone? What about in-person get-togethers? Groups only, or is one-on-one acceptable? Day-time meetings only, or are late-night drinks get-togethers kosher? Etc.

8. Will we talk about our fantasies?

Can we tell each other when we find someone else attractive? Can we share sexual fantasies? Do you expect me to share all my fantasies? What if I don’t want to share any of them? Is there anything you will never want to do in bed? Is there anything you’ve always wanted to do in bed?

9. How do you feel about adultery?

Of course we’re promising to never cheat or lie or kiss or sleep with someone else. But let’s face it: some people cheat.  You may be 100% sure you’ll never cheat on your partner, and vice versa, but still — it’s good to talk about this stuff anyway. Do you believe that lifelong monogamy is realistic for humans? Is cheating immediate grounds for divorce? If it’s just a drunken one-night stand with a complete stranger, would you rather not know, if I promise never to do it again? Okay, probably not, but what if it’s just a drunken kiss and nothing more? Do you mind if I text-flirt with someone, so long as we never do anything? What about e-flirting with complete strangers? Could an open relationship ever be even a remote possibility?

10. Do either of us have minimum amounts of sex we expect?

Rarely are two people’s libidos perfectly matched. But someone who requires sex every other day may have a hard time living happily ever after with someone who could take or leave it once every other month. How much sex do we expect? Are there certain acts each of us feels we need to be satisfied? (Oral sex, for example.) And when we hit a rut — and we will hit a rut – will we just ignore it and assume our sex life will bounce back eventually, that it will come and go in waves over the years? Or do we think that a rut is the beginning of the end? And if so, should we pick a codeword to say to each other when it’s reached that point? Will we consider sex manuals? Sex therapy? Couples therapy? Opening our relationship? Divorce? Or will a rut not be that big a deal to us, considering all the other things we’ve got going on in our lives?

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Your Call: I Was Bi, But Now I’m Not Attracted to Men. What Happened?

March 23, 2015

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photo via Wikimedia Commons

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Leave your suggestions in the comments section below. 

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Dear Em & Lo,

I’m a 21 year old woman who realized she was bisexual about a year ago, but recently my sexual desire for men has disappeared. My sex drive is fine, and my attraction to women is still there, but I don’t feel anything for men any more.

I’ve asked my mother and some friends, and they said it could be because I’ve been heavily depressed, but I’ve been clinically depressed for years and it hasn’t affected me that way at all. And, as I said, I’m still attracted to women — in fact my attraction to women has increased.

Was I just a lesbian all along? Do all bisexuals go through phases? I’ve been like this for weeks, and I’m worried I’ll never love men again.

– Bye-Bi Birdie

What’s your advice for Bye-Bi Birdie? Leave your thoughts in the feedback section below.

 

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6 Questions to Ask Yourself BEFORE Confessing Your Love to Your BFF

March 20, 2015

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We all know how it goes. Sometimes, we want the things we can’t have.

It’s hard when you think you’re fine being just friends with someone, but once they change their Facebook status to “In a relationship”, you realize you’re not as happy for them as you should be. Falling in love is sometimes messy—amazingly messy.

It’s especially so when you fall for a close friend who is in the dark about the feelings you’ve been harboring. Maybe, until recently, you were too. So, what do you do?

It seems simple enough to just blurt out, “Oh hey, I’m in love with you,” but it’s not. It’s risky to say something (as well as not to) and there are consequences. Before rushing in to anything, here are 6 questions you should ask yourself before dropping the L bomb.

1. Will your friendship survive?

If the foundation of the friendship is solid it won’t crumble, and you should go ahead and confess. If this person is truly your friend, they’ll understand. It’ll be awkward for a few days, and even if you come to find the attraction isn’t mutual, you’ll find you can still be friends. The best-case scenario? The feeling is mutual.

The worst-case?

It’s not. If you don’t think your friendship will bounce back or aren’t sure you can handle the rejection, then you should probably keep your mouth shut for the time being. Distance yourself a little to cope. Who knows, maybe you’ll meet their doppelganger on the subway.

2. What do you hope to gain?

By telling your friend, do you hope they’ll dump their significant other, or that it will help you never to wonder ‘what if’? If it’s the former and they break up for you, are you sure you want to be responsible for breaking someone else’s heart?

If your friend is truly the right one for you, hopefully they’ll realize their current squeeze doesn’t stack up and break up on their own—or once they gets the signals they’ve been waiting for from you. If you think ‘what if’ could lead to forever, it might be wise to suss out if your friend’s considered it, too, before laying your feelings on the line.

3. Are you sure you’re not just jealous?

We all know how it goes. Sometimes, we want the things we can’t have. Often they’re material like that Marc Jacobs bag you’ve been eyeing or a fancy new apartment you’ll never afford waiting tables at a burger joint. Whatever it is, it’s unobtainable and that’s what makes it attractive. This goes for people, too.

It’s natural to be jealous of a close friend’s new companion; the good news is that it subsides. Take a minute and evaluate your feelings. See where things go. If you find that it’s jealousy, then hold off on acting on it. We promise it will get better.

4. Is there a real attraction?

Misinterpreting signals is very common. Often we fall in love based on what we think is going on when, in reality, we could be wrong. Don’t mistake what the Frisky calls “false flirting” for falling in love.

5. How serious is this other relationship?

It’s tricky when there is a third party. It depends how far along the relationship is, whether it’s a week or 9 months. The more serious it is, the harder it will be on your friend. They might feel you’re being unfair and, although not intentionally, you’re pressuring them to choose. You not only have to do what’s best for you, but for everyone else involved, as well.

6. Do you honestly think your friend will be a great lover AND friend at the same time?

You might be saying, “Of course they will! Why else would I be in love with them?” Sorry but friend and boy/girlfriend etiquette don’t fall on the same page. Looking back on past conversations, maybe you notice that you were always the one to initiate them.

Or there were a few times you planned to catch a movie, but your friend canceled on you when something better came up. The things that blow over in a friendship aren’t the same things that blow over in a relationship. Make sure that this is who you want, the good and the bad, before saying “I love you.”

Readers, have you fallen in love with a friend? Tell us how you handled it.

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10 Easy Ways to Be More Romantic

March 20, 2015

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photo via Flickr

Romance is contagious. So the best way to get your guy or gal to be more romantic is to be more romantic with them first. Here are 10 not-too-arduous ways to do just that.

1. Wax nostalgic. Ninety-eight percent of romance is remembering not to take each other for granted. So tap into long-lost crush feelings by regularly thinking back to those first exhilarating moments that made you fall in love: the first time you met, your first date, your first kiss, your first time naked together, the first time you had teary, face-holding, we-adore-each-other sex. Remember how lucky you thought you’d be if you ended up together for the long haul — especially during those moments when the way he chews is starting to annoy you.

2. Don’t overshare. There’s a fine line between intimacy and TMI. We’re not so prudish as to suggest you should never pee in front of one another, but is it so much to ask that you keep your #2′s private? And when it comes to eliminating errant nose, chin, and nipple hairs, it might be a good idea to lock the bathroom door. Ask that he do the same for you. Just think of it as quality alone time to pamper yourselves.

3. Go on dates. Someone told us recently that it’s pathetically suburban to call it a “date night.” We say, save “hip” for your wardrobe and music library and embrace the cheese in your relationship. There’s a reason dinner-and-a-movie is a decades-long tradition — it works! Besides, if you don’t call it a date night, how is your guy supposed to know that you want him to change out of his old college sweatshirt and act all date-like? Subtle hints don’t work; calling it a date night does. If you really can’t stand to say those two words, then help clue him in with a new tie for the occasion — or just ask him to wear a certain shirt that you love.

4. Exchange just-because gifts or treats. Don’t wait for the officially designated romantic holidays —anniversaries, birthdays, and Valentine’s Day — to give your partner a thoughtful present. Surprising him with something out of the blue shows that he’s on your mind, that you don’t take him for granted, and that you care all of the other non-holiday days of the year, too. If you’re broke, just bring him breakfast in bed with his favorite section of the newspaper on a random Sunday (and yes, “favorite section of the newspaper” may also be a euphemism for “fantastic oral sex”). Remember to reassure him that he didn’t somehow forget a major anniversary, otherwise his mind will be racing all day.

5. Engage in random PDA. Not to the point where you elicit pleas to “get a room,” but just enough to increase your daily physical contact and prove to the world (or even just your cat) that you’re in love. Hold hands whenever possible. Give a peck on the lips here and a hug there. And don’t forget the occasional furtive pat on the bum. Studies have shown that even a 20-second hug raises oxytocin levels — and oxytocin is the Hallmark card of the hormone world.

6. Write love notes. No need to pen long, flowery love letters or corny poetry (though the romantic potential of a sweet and funny love haiku cannot be overestimated). Just write the occasional “thinking of you” email, put a surprise “miss you already” Post-It in his business trip suitcase, or draw a heart around your initials on the steamed bathroom mirror.

7. Brag about your partner in public. We understand the inclination to get together with your girlfriends and bitch about the annoying things your partner does (hey, we all do it). But it’s nice to occasionally embrace the positive and speak glowingly about your fella’s home improvement skills/parental instincts/bedroom acumen. Sure, you might annoy your friends who don’t want to hear about how good you have it, but you’ll feel even better about going home to your awesome relationship. Oh, and brag about him to friends when he’s listening, too. Whether it’s a new promotion or just something witty he said last night, we guarantee he’ll swoon.

8. Compliment your partner. Speaking of his self-esteem: We all like to feel needed and desired, but guys especially. So lay the compliments on thick at home, too. Just because it’s been established in your relationship that he can cook (and you can’t), doesn’t mean you can forgo the lavish praises of his famous homemade lasagna. And just because he doesn’t spend as long as you do in front of the mirror doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to hear how attractive you find him — especially if he’s experimenting with a new facial hairstyle.

9. Skydive together. Studies have shown that participating in adrenaline-revving activities together will help keep that spark lit. Bungie-jumping, whitewater rafting, streaking down Main Street in your home town — there’s nothing like near-death experiences to bring a couple closer together.

10. Take a basket-weaving class together. Joint activities don’t all have to be thrilling — studies have also shown that just the novelty is enough to make two people feel closer. If basket-weaving isn’t your bag, join forces for a yoga class, a comedy show, a walking tour, a cooking class, cha-cha lessons, a movie script… hell, even just a double-date with the new couple in town (and no, that one wasn’t a euphemism).



Dream Interpretation: I Dreamed I Had a Virgin Birth

March 19, 2015

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Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it (18 and older only, please). This week, a reader asks Lauri:

Today I dreamed that I was sitting in the bathroom of our old house naked on a commode and I gave birth to a baby naturally! I don’t know the gender of the baby. The baby was premature and very small. Then I saw I was somewhere and my breasts were sore and I realized I didn’t feed the baby any milk yet at all! I was thinking how come I didn’t feed him colostrum! I was feeling so bad in my dream. The dream was so strange. In my real life I am single and a virgin. Why did I dream such a weird dream? 

Lauri:  In the dream world, virgin births are very possible. Heck, even male births are possible. Remember, the dream world does not follow the waking world’s rules, so anything can happen!

In fact, in the dream world a birth is really about something new you have brought forth into your life, such as a new job, a new relationship, a new degree, a new skill, etc. But your dream takes place in your old house, which may mean this new skill, idea, or whatever it is, originally emerged when you were living there but you have since neglected it, which is why you never fed the baby in your dream. And it may have even been too soon back then, you must not have been ready or emotionally equipped to deal with it back then, which is why the baby was premature.

But something must be going on now where you are ready to give this idea, this skill, this relationship or project your attention again… so much so that your breasts are about to explode with nourishment! So whatever it is that you are ready to get back to nurturing and focusing on, your dream is telling you to do it… nurture the hell out of it!!

 

Visit Lauri’s site, WhatYourDreamMeans.com, for even more dream interpretations! If you want to be able to figure out your own dreams each morning, check out her latest book, Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, which will give you the tools you need to become a dream expert. You can see all of Lauri’s books here. And hey, if you want your very own pin-up painting of you or your luvva (either vintage or modern), Lauri can do that, too! 

 

 

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Comments of the Week: The Sexual Satisfaction & Compatibility Quiz

March 18, 2015

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photo via Wiki Commons

This week, in response to our Your Call question “My Husband and I Don’t Care That We Don’t Have Much Sex. Should We?“, two of our MVPs were quick on the draw with spot-on answers. First, Nikki wrote:

This sounds like more of the tyranny of “normal.” If you have a happy marriage, and you are both satisfied with the amount of sex that you are having, then you have nothing to worry about. Relationships and sexuality are not a one-size-fits-all proposition.

You are right that sex is important in a relationship, but what I think most of what you’re hearing is leaving out that “sex” really means “sexual satisfaction.” If you and your husband have that, you are in good shape.

The easiest way to put your concerns to rest is to have a frank and honest conversation with your husband. You say you have a trusting relationship, but you don’t mention whether this conversation has ever occurred. If it hasn’t, make sure it does. You can keep it simple: “Honey, I’ve noticed that the amount of sex we have has kind of fallen off over the years. I’m fine with it, and am happy with the way things are, but I want to make sure you are too.” If your husband is also content, you have nothing to worry about. If he misses having more frequent sex, then you can have a conversation about how to make sure his needs are addressed.

Then Johnny added his take:

Sex drive decreases with age. I was borderline priapic in my early 20′s. In my mid 30′s I am noticeably less horny than I was then.

Attractiveness also decreases with age (sorry. I’m not calling you or anyone else unattractive or old. But this is just a universal fact. It happens to everyone). So basically you’ve got two people who aren’t as hot or as horny as they used to be. This is totally normal and is only a problem when –

- attractiveness and horniness decrease at disparate rates between partners

- one partner’s attractiveness and horniness really PLUMMET.

Sounds like you and your husband are actually experiencing the ideal sexual denoument. Again, NOT singling you guys out here – what’s happening to you guys happens to ONE HUNDRED PERCENT OF PEOPLE. You guys just happen to be experiencing this, like so many other things, as a healthy and loving couple. You’re going through it togeter – that’s good. Going through this as individuals is bad.

You’ve had three kids – mission accomplished. Your sex drives did what they’re there for. Anything else is just for fun. And if you both like the same amount of fun – whether that’s more fun or less fun – then great!

You and your husband sound like a great match. Don’t panic.

Based on their excellent responses, we’ve come up with a Sexual Satisfaction & Compatibility Quiz you and your partner can take:

  1. Are you happy together?
  2. Are neither of you complaining?
  3. Are you being honest with yourself?
  4. Are you being honest with your partner?
  5. Are your libidos lagging at similar rates?
  6. Are you aging (in looks) at similar rates?
  7. Have you talked about your sexual satisfaction with each other?
  8. Do you both feel sexually satisfied?

If you’ve both answered yes to five or more questions, then you and your partner are sexually satisfied and should not worry about the amount of sex you have. It’s about quality, not quantity.

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5 Ideas for a Grownup Games Night with Your Partner

March 18, 2015

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photo via flickr

Who says games nights are just for bored kids and drunken singles hoping for a threeway? There’s no reason why committed monogamists shouldn’t have some fun, too. Here are five D.I.Y. ideas for playing together… it’s like foreplay, except with dice!

 

1. Spin the Sex Manual 

>Grab a couple pairs of dice, toss them at the same time, whatever number you get total, go to that page in a sex manual and try out whatever’s on that page. Our two latest books work particularly well for this: SEX: How to Do Everything and, for the really adventurous, 150 Shades of Play: A Beginner’s Guide to Kink. This will take the element of control away from the two of you, so neither of you needs to feel coy or embarrassed about making new suggestions.
 

2. Sexy Simon Says

Take it in turns being “Simon.” When it’s your turn, tell your partner things you’d like them to do to you — or to themselves. “Simon says kiss my neck”; “Simon says take off your pants“; etc; The first person to mess up — i.e. moving without hearing “Simon Says” first — has to massage their partner for 15 minutes. (Or whatever “punishment” you decide on… perhaps you favor something a little more Christian Grey!)

This game is awesome for the same reason teachers favor it with little kids: because it forces you to really LISTEN to your partner! Plus, being forced to call out commands really quickly will encourage you to blurt out things you might normally be a bit embarrassed to ask for. In “Simon Says,” you’re MEANT be bossy!

 

3. Guess the Sensation

One partner is blindfolded and the other partner gathers a selection of potentially sensual items: ice cubes, a feather duster, a clean hairbrush, hand cream, a massage candle (for warm wax). The blindfolded person lies down naked and has to guess what item their partner is using on them. Then switch places! This will teach you to pay attention to bodily sensations, which is a great way to shut out the outside world and really focus on sexual pleasure.
 

 

4. Hand Over the Remote 

And no, we’re not talking about the remote control for your television. Invest in a small, discreet, high quality remote-controlled vibrator (we like LELO’s Lyla 2). Then hit the town with one of you secretly wearing the strategically placed toy and your partner tucking the wireless control in their pocket. That way you can get some sensual kicks anytime, anywhere — you being at your partner’s mercy is all part of the fun!

 

5. Sexy Task Box

This is a game that can begin one evening and last all year long. Each person in the couple writes down on a little piece of paper 5, 10, or 15 things they’d like to try (this could be as simple as, “kiss with tongue for 5 full minutes with no expectation of sex,” or more daring, like, “let me tie you up and blindfold you”). Fold them up, throw them in a hat or box, and then set up a schedule — every day for a month, or once a week for an indefinite amount of time, or whatever you’re comfortable with. Then on your allotted days, take turns pulling out a slip of paper in the morning with the understanding that you’ll have to complete the sex task before you go to sleep that night.

This will encourage you to try new things, help you fulfill each other’s fantasies, and get you thinking about sex all day long, i.e. extended foreplay! Here are the ground rules: both people must approach things with an open mind, there can be no derisive laughing at anyone’s suggestions, and both parties have full veto power over anything they’re truly uncomfortable with.

 

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Why You Should Ditch Tinder and Give Out Your Number Instead

March 17, 2015

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photo via flickr

We’re normally pretty skeptical of the click-baity headlines in Men’s Health magazine. 4 Week Fat Shredder! 12 Scientific Ways to Look Smarter! How Listening to Your Mom Can Make You Fat! But we really loved the recent article by David Amsden, called “Give Her Your Number.” (Amsden is the author of the novel Important Things That Don’t Matter, which we also liked.) The article feels real, and it’s missing all that “negging” bullshit propagated by self-titled “pickup artists.”

Here’s the idea in a nutshell: The author was failing miserably at modern dating techniques like Tinder. Despite this, he had become completely reliant on such technology. This is his first thought upon seeing a beautiful woman walk into the bar:

Straight-up hitting on women seems uncouth to me. Thanks to the ultimate wingman (my smartphone), I prefer a lazier, no-risk way to reach out. I’ll scroll through Tinder, hoping that now that we’ve seen each other, we might also right-swipe to bypass some small talk. Or take a little trip through Instagram to see if she geo-tagged a selfie that I could comment on. (Think that’s weird? Go tweet about it, pal.)

So he decides to go cold turkey from all the seduction technology and adopt an old-school approach instead:

Pulling a pen and notepad out of my back pocket, I jot down my number and head on over.

“Hey, I’m David,” I say as I hand her the slip of paper. “You’re compelling. Call me.”

… I made a pact with myself: Whenever I noticed an attractive woman, I would simply stop and give her my number. Then I’d be standing in front of her and could make another game-time decision: Head for the exit, or see if she wants me to stick around.

To Amsden’s complete and utter surprise, this actually works. Like, really well. Even some women who initially balk at his bold approach often end up texting him a day or two later. In fact, more than half call or text eventually. And here’s why: with Tinder, Match, OKCupid, et al, there’s very little opportunity for face-to-face rejection. You’re not putting yourself out there for potential humiliation. So when someone is bold enough to put themselves in this position — and to do so in a casual, no-pressure way, without any negging — it’s both endearing, and, yes, attractive.

Note that he hands out his number, by the way — he never asks for hers. The ball’s in her court. He’s not collecting digits to make himself feel more manly, he’s simply putting himself out there. It means he’ll be the one sitting there waiting for the phone to ring.

Here’s another reason why it work: It takes a lot of balls (or labes) to do something like this, and as everyone knows, people like balls (or labes). Even if you’re faking this confidence so hard that your asshole actually aches (from all the stress-induced clenching), the person you’re approaching will respond to it.

Remember, though, that those online sites — not to mention skeevy pickup artists — get one thing very right about dating: it’s a numbers game. And we’re not talking about phone numbers. We mean the number of people you approach or scroll past or even go on a first date with. So if you’re going to pull an Amsden, you can’t just do it once. Do it like your sex life depends on it, and maybe you’ll get lucky, too.

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Can You Sleep Over If You Just Want to Cuddle on an Early Date?

March 17, 2015

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 photo via flickr

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week a straight woman asks, “What do you guys think of a new date who wants to sleep over but doesn’t want to have sex?”

Straight Single Guy (Max): Personally, I say bravo. The longer you make me work for it, the better everything will be. This applies to both the sex and any possible relationship. Girls, who so often seem only interested in those who aren’t available or interested, should know this. If you really like a guy, make him work for intercourse. Make him get creative. If he can’t take it, then ditch the dude. It shouldn’t be just about “sex right now.” As a great man once said, “The best part of the affair is the walk up the stairs.” Too many times I’ve gone all the way with a girl and then immediately lost interest. This is, believe it or not, frustrating for guys too. Mystery is good. So please, come on over and tease me. Don’t be cold, and please let me try to pleasure you in other ways, but always feel free to say “wait.”

Gay Committed Guy (Mark): I once dated a guy who had recently broken up with someone, and we were ostensibly cool with sleepovers — kissing, with shirts off, but the boxers stayed on. I wanted more; he wasn’t ready; we split after a month. But whatever the gender(s), and assuming one person isn’t sleeping on the couch, there’s so much gray area between snuggling in jammies and fucking — yes, the ever-elusive definition of “sex” — that it’s only fair for you and your “date” to be totally up front with each other about boundaries and expectations before hopping into bed. Let’s face it, though: most guys are going to try to push that boundary sooner or later (usually sooner — I did, and I tend to be too scared of rejection ever to make a move).

However, if by “new date” you mean some theoretical dude you meet at a party some night, do yourself a favor and splurge on a cab home (your own, alone), then worry about who calls whom in the next couple of days.

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