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Top 10 Things We Will Tell Our Sons About Sex

August 6, 2014

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Remember how we said we accidentally bred on the same schedule and both have six-year-old daughters? Well, we weren’t kidding about that breeding schedule — we also each have three-year-old sons. So it’s only fair that, after publishing the Top 10 Things We’ll Tell Our Daughters About Sex, we should write a follow-up list for our sons.

Granted, right now they’re mostly interested in Lightning McQueen, but their time will come soon. And then we will ask the same questions: What if our sons stumble across one of our books? What if one of their friends does during a playdate, and then tells his parents? (And what if it’s the unnecessarily detailed chapter on fisting in our first book, when we were still trying to prove how brave and unshockable we were?!)

We’ve already spent plenty of time thinking about how we’d like to raise our sons, and how we will talk to them about sex. Here are the top ten things we want them — eventually — to know and understand:

1. Don’t buy into macho sexual stereotypes.

First, losing your V-card doesn’t make you more of a man, so don’t rush it. When you have any kind of sexual relation for the first time, it should be because you and your partner both want to — not because you want to get it over with, not because everyone else is doing it, and not because you’re trying to prove something to your friends. Remember, guys who talk the loudest about sex either have the least experience with it, or the worst skills at it.

Those same guys may try to tell you that women who like sex or who’ve had more sexual partners than you are sluts. They’re wrong! And for the record, guys fall in love and want relationships as much as women do. So don’t engage in any so-called battles of the sexes: men aren’t from Mars and women aren’t from Venus — we’re all earthlings who should treat each other (and the sex we have with each other) with thoughtfulness, deliberateness, and respect. And if you hear anybody demeaning women or their bodies (e.g. with talk of “meat curtains,” “fish tacos,” “gaping axe wounds”), slut-shaming them, or pressuring them to have sex, then you have an obligation as a decent human being to step in and set them straight (not with brawn, with your brain). Oh, and real men wear pink with style, cry when they’re sad, and aren’t afraid to use lube and sex toys in bed, either.

And if we ever hear you use the phrase “That’s so gay” for anything other than describing light and merry pop culture from the fifties and earlier, we’re taking away all your screen privileges indefinitely.
 

2. Real sex is nothing like most porn.

Watching porn is not obligatory. Porn is a fantasy, and most of it caters to the assumed and narrowly defined tastes of a limited audience. In other words, what might turn men on visually in porn (jackhammering, facials, gang bangs) won’t necessarily feel good, either physically or emotionally, to your partner in real life. You should know that most women don’t look anything like porn stars — ditto for the guys…especially their equipment. Don’t try to measure your partners, or yourself, against what you see on screen. Women in porn (and men too!) get implants and cosmetic surgery (on their junk) and spray tans and full body makeup and anal bleaching and laser hair removal to look that way. In real life, labia come in all shapes and sizes (sometimes even different shapes and sizes on the same woman), in different shades, with different hairstyles. And the men in porn represent a small percentage of the population — they’re outliers in the size department, which is why they got the job in the first place! And those orgasms? More fake than not — even the guys, sometimes (Pina Colada mix, we’ve heard).

Basically, porn is a terrible place to learn about how to have great, satisfying sex, and what that kind of sex looks like. It’s an especially terrible place to learn about what women like in bed. A much better place to learn about sex — and we can’t believe we’re saying this — is one of our books! Fine, fine, if you just can’t go there (we get it), then we’ll find you another.

 

3. Oral should be reciprocal.

Other oral sex commandments, if you’re on the receiving end: Never push anyone’s head downtown. Never use their ears as a steering wheel. “Deep Throat” was the nickname of the Watergate informant — and that’s it! Basically, the basic rules of being a good person in general don’t end with oral: be respectful, communicate, and don’t have double standards.

 

4. If you have to get drunk to have sex, then you’re not ready to have sex.

Same goes for your partner — if they have to get drunk to have sex, then they’re not ready to have sex. In fact, if you suspect someone is drunk, zip your fly and go home. When either of you is drunk, you might not have safer sex. You might talk someone into doing things they’re not comfortable with — or you might do more than you’re comfortable with. You might sleep with someone you don’t even like. Have all your wits about you when it comes to sexual situations so you can make smart, informed decisions, and can give and receive consent.

 

5. If you’re not comfortable enough with someone to talk about safer sex, then you’re not ready to have sex with them.

Talk about your partner’s sexual history — and yours. Ask them if they always use barrier protection (condoms, oral sex dams) — and if they don’t, then don’t go there. And we don’t care if sex with a condom feels slightly less awesome than the alternative — it’s the only kind you’ll be having. But please know that condoms will not protect you from every S.T.I. — some infections exist on the surrounding skin, and sometimes condoms break. This, however, is no excuse to forgo barrier protection all together — they’re like seatbelts: they don’t prevent every accident, but they make driving a hell of lot safer (so make sure you always use both seatbelts and barrier protection!). It’s great if any female partners also use a back-up form of birth-control, like the Pill (but the Pill et al does not mean you can forgo the condoms!). Have we used enough exclamation points to make ourselves clear?!?!??!

 

6. It’s not a sign of weakness to ask for directions in bed.

And it’s not “bossy” if a woman (or a man) gives you directions in bed. After your first few times, you might think you know how to please anyone in bed, but you won’t (even after years of sex, you won’t). Every partner will be different, and even the same partner will be different on different days. This is especially true of women, whose orgasms tend to be a little more elusive than men’s. But whoever you end up dating, guy or girl, you should be open and receptive.

 

7. Maybe you’re gay. Maybe you’re bisexual. Maybe you don’t know yet.

And it’s all good. Be yourself. And don’t worry too much about labels.

 

8. Nobody ever “owes” anyone else sex.

It doesn’t matter how long you’ve been dating, or how long you’ve been naked together, or how blue your balls are. It doesn’t matter if you two have had sex before, or if you partner has slept with ten people before you. It doesn’t matter if one of you just treated the other to dinner (or to oral sex). It doesn’t even matter if you’re half-way through some sexual act, including intercourse, and suddenly one of you changes your mind. Sex can stop at any time. It doesn’t even have to start.

 

9. That whole baseball thing is a terrible metaphor for sex.

Sex acts don’t exist on a checklist. Foreplay isn’t some discrete event that can be rushed through before the “main event.” Sex isn’t a linear set of steps. It’s not about keeping score or rushing to home plate. Sex is an amorphous conglomeration of hormones and touching and adoration and lust and pleasure and imperfection. We’ve said it before, we’ll say it (a million times) again: sex isn’t just intercourse, and intercourse shouldn’t be considered the culmination of sex. Oral sex is sex. So is manual sex. So is using a toy together. So is frottage!

 

10. Sex is awesome!

When you do it with the right person, at the right time, sex can be amazing. It can feel, like, really good. It can be fun and exciting, it can bring you closer to your partner, it can reduce stress, it can make you love a person more than you thought possible (though to be sure, love is not a requirement for sex — mutual respect, however, is). But sex isn’t usually awesome at first. Even when you’re head over heels in love and one hundred percent ready to do the deed, sex exists on a learning curve. That said, the better you know someone before you have sex, the more comfortable you will probably be figuring out what each other wants. Good sex requires practice. It requires knowledge about your body, and your partner’s body. It requires experimentation, and play. And it requires a sense of humor so you can both laugh it off when someone farts or queefs or gets an elbow in the face. Remember, there is no such thing as “normal” in bed — there is only what you like, what your partner likes, and what you’re both comfortable with.

Have fun, be safe, and remember: You can ask your mom anything. We’re, well, unshockable.

 

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Wise Guys: Why Do Men Like Strip Clubs?

August 5, 2014

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photo via Flickr

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: Why are some guys so into strip clubs? Do most guys buy into the fantasy that the stripper is actually enjoying herself — or don’t they care?

Straight Single Guy (Colin): Lots of guys aren’t into strip clubs. Probably more are kind of weirded out by them than you might think. For the ones who do enjoy an outing to the nearest nudie bar, it’s usually about the visual overload of the body parts we fantasize about all day long. Finally we can be praised for overtly staring at a woman’s breasts. We might imagine what women around us look like naked and a strip club is an opportunity to live the dream. It’s fun to pretend the stripper is enjoying herself, and some are at some times, but in the end it’s just pretending and most of us probably know — like a twelve your old who still plays into his parents leaving milk and cookies out for Santa Claus.

Gay Married Guy (Joel Derfner, author of Lawfully Wedded Husband): I’m not sure I’m really in a position to answer this, because I’ve worked as a stripper, and I kind of loved it. This is one way in which it’s much easier to be a gay man than a straight man:  you don’t have to worry that you’re objectifying female sex workers.

That said: I think the fantasy that the stripper is enjoying herself is exactly what makes strip clubs so exciting. Your average Joe is not the kind of guy at whom a gorgeous, scantily clad woman is likely to hurl herself. He’s just not attractive enough, or manly enough, or sexy enough, or powerful enough, or whatever enough. But the moment he walks into a strip club, gorgeous, scantily clad women start hurling themselves at him — a thing that couldn’t happen unless he were incredibly attractive, manly, sexy, powerful, and whatever. In a way the excitement isn’t about the woman in front of him at all; it’s about how she allows him to see himself.

Stripping has its own psychological rewards, by the way, at least for men who do it; these too come from how it allows the stripper to see himself. I have to imagine that stripping offers at least some of the same rewards to women who do it.

Straight Married Guy (Matt): Guys are into strip clubs because it’s not only visual stimulation, but it also changes the dynamic of who’s pursuing whom. In any strip club you’ll see the fattest, baldest middle-aged guy there being approached by women, each one asking if he wants a lap dance, with him waving off busty 19-year-old after busty 19-year-old, not giving most of them the time of day. Sure, most guys like seeing naked women, plain and simple, but it’s the flipping of the power dynamic that creates the strip club “regular” — the guy who gets blown off the most out in the real world and gets off on turning girls down (as well as having a 19-year-old ass grinding his package when he eventually gives one of them the nod).

Do we believe that the strippers are enjoying themselves? I think it’s a suspension of disbelief while you’re on the premises. So no, most guys who are inside the strip club don’t care in that moment if the strippers are enjoying themselves, and don’t allow themselves to think about it too much, or they’d lose their erections and head for the door.

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Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Gay Engaged Guy is Joel Derfner, author of Swish.To ask the guys your own question, click here.



Your Call: Is Intellectual Inequality a Deal Breaker?

August 4, 2014

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photo via flickr

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE* Advice Service!

 

 

Dear Em & Lo,

I’ve been with X for a few years: she’s pretty, fun and genuinely nice. Our political values are totally in line. We both wants kids and I know she’d make a great mother. I love her. The only problem is: I think I’m smarter than she is. I always used to think that in the perfect loving relationship, each person would think the other one was smarter. So now I’m worried that down the road I might start to resent her lack of intellectual curiosity, that her occasional cringe-worthy comments might start to irk me. But then I think I’m just being shallow — that being a good, loving person is way better than reading The New Yorker cover to cover. It’s at the point where we have to decide whether we’re going to get married — if not, I should get out now, for both our sakes. But I’m just not sure. Thoughts?

– Torn

What should Torn do? Leave your advice in the comments section below.

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Straight Guys: How to Respond to Being Hit On by a Woman

August 1, 2014

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photo via Flickr

A note to straight men: We’re constantly hearing you guys complain that you still have to do almost all of the pick-up leg-work. But then when a woman does attempt to hit on you in a bar, a lot of you turn around and call her “desperate” — even in 2014! (Er, who made off with your self-esteem, anyway?)

Admittedly, you don’t get hit on nearly as often as straight gals do, so you don’t have nearly as much practice at (politely) rejecting an unwelcome advance. Which means that when a brave lady does attempt to buy you a drink or engage you in conversation, you have a tendency to be awkward and weird about it. But what’s so “desperate” about knowing what you want and going for it? She shouldn’t be made to feel like she fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down just because she asked you to dance. It’s not like she’s asking you to bear her children. You never know, she may actually just want to use you for sex. So be nice to the women trying to even the playing field!

Oh, and ladies? Keep asking! And try not to take it personally if a guy is a douche when you ask him how he likes his eggs in the morning. He’s just had less practice than you.

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Dream Interpretation: I’m Having Gay Dreams About My Best Buds

July 31, 2014

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Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it (18 and older only, please). This week, a reader asks Lauri:

I have been having these exotic sex dreams about my best guy friends, and I do not know what they mean. My guy friends are not unattractive. These dreams been going on for a while and sometimes O wonder what do they really mean. I am a straight guy, but having gay dreams.

Lauri: You are also very brave and I commend you for owning up to your “guy on guy” dreams. Lots of straight guys have them but are too embarrassed to discuss them.

Of all our dreams, the sex dream seems to be the most polarizing: either we are absolutely delighted when we wake up, still bathing in the glow of the amazing experience with our dream partner — or we wake up horrified, disgusted and very, very concerned.

You must remember that the dreaming mind speaks in a symbolic language and should not be taken literally, which means sex in a dream really isn’t about sex at all! Instead, sex is more about connection, communication and/or a merger of energies.

Since these are your best buddies that you are dreaming about, I would bet the farm your dreams are happening because you are really connecting with them in some way. Maybe you’ve recently been finding out that you have a lot in common with them. Maybe you’ve been having deep political or other meaningful conversations that is bringing you closer to them psychologically. Or maybe you all are “coming together” — ahem — on some idea or project.

Whatever the case, it’s all good! So let not your heart be troubled. Also? Let not your friends know. As benign as these dreams are, they could totally freak your friends out!

Visit Lauri’s brand new site, WhatYourDreamMeans.com, for even more dream interpretations! If you want to be able to figure out your own dreams every morning, then check out her latest book, Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, which will give you the tools you need to become a dream expert, too. Check out all of Lauri’s books here.

 

 

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Top 5 Rules of Engagement for Backdoor Toys

July 30, 2014

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photo via flickr

We’re always thrilled to hear about people opening themselves up — as it were — to new sensual experiences in the backdoor area. Unfortunately this particular region seems to encourage experimentation with D.I.Y. sex toys — and it’s the last place you should be going D.I.Y.! Our E.R. nurse friend confirms that those stories about deodorant sticks/cucumbers/action figures stuck up patients’ butts are not merely urban legends.

D.I.Y. solutions can be great when it comes to home improvements, NOT when it comes to your tushy time. The anus and rectum are delicate body parts that need special care, or else — you’re right — things could go horribly wrong. The area is prone to tearing if mistreated, it’s not self-lubricating, and it’s got curves that can’t accommodate certain shapes (like, say, rigid action figures) easily.

Instead, you should use only high-quality toys designed specifically for the rear, like LELO’s Bob and Billy, Tantus’s L’il End butt plug, the Tantus vibrating ProTouch, or Booty Beads’ Silicone Anal Beads. (If your tush doesn’t get out of bed for less than $10K, then check out LELO’s gold-plated Earl anal plug.)

Here are the five things you should look for in a high-quality, purpose-made butt toy:

1. It should have a flared base so as not to get sucked up into your black hole, lost for all eternity.

2. It should ideally be made of non-porous material like 100% silicone so it can be sterilized thoroughly (i.e. so it won’t harbor microscopic fecal bacteria).

3. It should be soft, yet firm, with a little give to it so it’s easy on your bod.

4. It should be ergonomically shaped (e.g. it should have a tapered end and possibly a curve that targets his prostate gland, a.k.a. the P-spot or the male G-spot).

5. It shouldn’t have rough seams or anything that might break off inside of you, duh.

And while you absolutely must use lubricant — and lots of it — it’s probably best to avoid anything oil-based, like Vaseline or Crisco, since oils degrade the latex in condoms, they’re a bitch to clean off, and they can lead to infection in women (should the oil in question somehow make its way to her vajayjay). Instead, go for a water- or silicone-based lube, at least when you’re playing together.

Remember: Be smart (or would that be smart-ass?) when it comes to anal play. It’s like what your mom used to tell you about your nose: just because you can stick anything up there doesn’t mean you should.

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Your Call: Can I Tell My Married Boyfriend’s Wife About Us?

July 28, 2014

4 Comments

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE* Advice Service!

 

Dear Em & Lo,

I have been having an affair with my supervisor for the past two years. Yes, he is married, but he made promises to me to leave her. She suspected us but he denied it, but when she tried to overdose on pills he called it off with me. He tells me he and his wife are over, too, but I don’t know if that’s true. I know we had a special love, and he is just calling it off out of guilt. Do I tell her?

– Cheatin’ (at) Hearts

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6 Kinds of Lube & 6 Reasons to Use Them Every Time

July 25, 2014

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LELO’s Personal Moisturizer (75 ml) 

Lube gets a bad rap, so we’d like to clear its name here once and for all: Store-bought personal lubricant is not a “crutch” for people with faulty machinery. And reaching for the wet stuff doesn’t mean you’re “not into it,” “frigid” or “kinky.” It just means you like to make sex even better:

  1. For women, natural lubrication doesn’t necessarily go hand-in-hand with sexual arousal. You may be ready mentally, but your body could use a little catching up. It can happen any time, but it’ll be more common the older you get.
  2. Smoking, caffeine, booze, weed, stress, certain days in your menstrual cycle, and cold medicine can all dry you up. Lubricants can help combat these Saraha culprits.
  3. Adding extra lubrication means your sensitive parts can take more and more kinds of stimulation without getting over-sensitive.
  4. It helps prevent chaffing and the condom from breaking.
  5. With so many different kinds to choose from, you can find one that’s perfect for you (i.e. you like the consistency, the scent, maybe even the taste).
  6. It just feels good — even better than it does without!

But don’t even thinking about pulling a Marlon Brando and reaching for the butter (not even the olive oil, yuppie). Oils can degrade latex (i.e. break the condom!) and can also encourage vaginal infections. So when you’re a friend in need, manmade lubricant is a friend indeed.

Don’t have any on your nightstand? Here are 6 popular brands to check out:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Dream Interpretation: My Wife Got Jealous of Extra-Marital Oral

July 24, 2014

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photo via flickr

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it (18 and older only, please). This week, a reader asks Lauri:

I dreamed I had a threesome with my wife, an ex of mine, and this other woman [ED: So, more of a foursome, then?]. I’m not sure if she was my ex’s friend. It started with oral sex where the unknown woman started, and not too long after my ex started and my wife looked in the corner of her eyes with just a bit of disgust seeing me enjoy it, as she is not that good at oral.

Lauri: Let’s get the obvious out of the way. Did you have this dream soon after your wife gave you oral in real life, or soon after you perhaps discussed it or thought about it?

If so, then this dream indicates that this is an issue for you and you should take it as a gentle nudge from your subconscious to encourage your wife to explore different techniques that could help improve her skills. If you present it to her in the frame of “exploring” she may look at it as you wanting to be adventurous with her rather than you criticizing her. Em & Lo’s book SEX: How To Do Everything is a pretty thorough guide.

If your wife’s lack of oral prowess has not been top of your mind lately, then this dream may be more about communication. In my research I have found that most any dream that focuses on the mouth in some form or fashion can usually be connected to communication issues.

It seems your intuition is picking up on the fact that your wife has a bit of jealousy right now in real life, hence her giving you the side-eye in the dream. I believe your ex is in this dream as a warning that you don’t want your wife to become an ex either. So I believe this dream is urging you to open up the lines of communication with her and get to the bottom of what may be irking her lately. Open and honest communication is the key to a lasting and healthy relationship.
Visit Lauri’s brand new site, WhatYourDreamMeans.com, for even more dream interpretations! If you want to be able to figure out your own dreams every morning, then check out her latest book, Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, which will give you the tools you need to become a dream expert, too. Check out all of Lauri’s books here.

 

 

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4 New Routes to Your Orgasm

July 23, 2014

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photo via Flickr

Most people have that one, fail-safe way that gets them from point A to point O quickly and directly, scenic lookout points be damned! And when you’re busy or tired (read: every minute of every day), it’s easy (and understandable) to resort to that surefire route on the rare occasion you do get around to doing it.  But tonight, whether you’re alone or with a partner, give yourself at least 30 minutes — okay, 20 — to try to have an orgasm in a different way. Because the more ways you can train your body to have an orgasm, the opportunities for pleasure you have at your disposal and the less chance your orgasm has of ever getting old (not that that is a huge risk or anything). Here’s how:

  1. Use a new hand technique: If you always stick with external stimulation with your (or your partner’s) digits, go deep. If you always hit your G-spot, try your PS-spot (which is directly opposite the G-spot in the vaginal canal).
  2. Get in a different position: If the missionary, for example, is the position you always end with during partner sex, then try to avoid it entirely one night (or at least give yourselves a good ten minutes with doggy style, cowgirl, or whatever).
  3. Try a new toy: If you usually like, say, a Magic Wand, why not try something designed to be used internally for a change, like a Rabbit-style vibe.
  4. Just try it without your toy for once: Attempt to recreate the sensation of your vibrator with your hands, your partner’s hands, or even your partner’s mouth. It won’t feel the same, but it won’t necessarily be worse — just different. And variety is the spice of your sex life!

Don’t worry if you haven’t gotten to O-town before time’s up. Remember, the journey is 90% the fun!

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