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Wise Guys: Is It Really Such a Big Deal If I Hate Giving Blowjobs?

June 24, 2014

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Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: ‚ÄúI really hate going down on guys. I’ve tried it, I don’t like it. In fact, I loathe it. I feel bad about it, but if I don’t expect oral in return (I don’t), then why should I feel compelled to do something I don’t enjoy?‚ÄĚ

Straight Single Guy (Colin): Really there is no guy that should expect oral. It’s totally up to you what you feel comfortable with sexually and we’ll enjoy what you want to do. If you see it as a tit-for-tat deal and you’re not asking for anything, then you’re right, you shouldn’t feel compelled to return a favor you’re not receiving. As long as you’re upfront with your feelings on oral, then everything is okay. My only thought is that for the people we really care about, sometimes we do things we don’t necessarily enjoy just to make them feel good, to make them feel sexy, to make them feel special — and sometimes just to get them off. I don’t think you should feel obligated to be going downtown all the time like you’re Petula Clark or something, but don’t hurry to rule it out for good. It can be something special you pull out of your sexual toolkit only for true knights in shining armor.

Straight Married Guy (Matt): This is a tough one. I’d say it’s a very rare guy who isn’t going to want at least the occasional blowjob. I’ve actually never met one of these mythical creatures. Even if they do exist, how would you go about finding one? A personal ad title like “Must NOT Want Blowjobs” would probably result in crickets chirping in your empty inbox. So that leaves you with waiting until you’re at the point of discussing sexual details with a prospective partner to bring the topic up. Most guys aren’t going to be thrilled with your take on the matter, but sooner or later, maybe you’ll find a guy who doesn’t think blowjobs are all that great. But wouldn’t giving the occasional (special occasion) blowjob be a little easier than banking on these super longshot odds? I think so, but then I’m a guy. And like pretty much all guys, I’d seriously consider giving up food, water and shelter before blowjobs.

Gay Engaged Guy (Joel Derfner, author of Swish): If you don’t like going down on guys, there’s absolutely no reason you should feel compelled to do so.¬† However, there’s also absolutely no reason a guy should feel compelled to keep dating you if you won’t go down on him.¬† You just have to find somebody who gets his kicks in other ways. The pool will be much smaller, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t, um, fish to be had.

Our ‚Äúwise guys‚ÄĚ are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week‚Äôs Gay Engaged Guy is Joel Derfner, author of Swish.¬†To ask the guys your own question, click here.

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Top 5 Love Lessons from The Bachelorette (Andi in Italy)

June 24, 2014

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screenshot from ABC’s “The Bachelorette”

  1. For the love of all that’s clean and right and good, wash your hands after you go to the bathroom! And not just when you’re on a date — every time.
  2. When on a date, don’t talk about how bad you are in bed, even if you’re just joking, for the truth is spoken in jest.
  3. Don’t give your date reason to paraphrase Shakespeare and say “Methinks thou doth protest too much.” (Getting all huffy over a playful lie detector test suggests you’ve got a lot to hide.)
  4. Straight men, please don’t have more cleavage than your female date. (We’re talking to you, Cody.)
  5. “Farting in the public” is okay, just make sure you don’t do it in the vicinity of your date.

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A Fantastic Guide to Couples Massage (with No Sensitive Ponytail Men!)

June 23, 2014

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When Denis Merkas, founder of “Melt: Massage for Couples,” asked us to review his online video series, we admit we were a bit trepidatious: images of sensitive ponytail men came to mind, the sound of cheesy tantric sitars filled our imaginations, and we thought we could suddenly smell a hint of patchouli in the air. But it turns out, we had nothing to worry about!

CouplesMassageCourses.com offers an informative, beautifully shot, sophisticated series of easy-to-follow instructional videos that can inspire couples to touch each other a little more deliberately and thoughtfully to make their lives together better (seriously, just watching the 2-minute promo below made us both want to be better partners). In each video, massage therapist Merkas — who has 13 years experience and has been perfecting these techniques for mass audiences since 2006 — tells you clearly what to do and why. His assistant in the videos is his own wife Emma — but before you start to worry the two are some HBO-ish “Real Sex,” hippy-dippy, swinging couple, rest assured, they’re adorable. And within the first minute of the quick intro video (see below), they make it clear their clothes are staying on: they provide the perfect back-rub techniques, then you can take it from there.

Here’s what we really liked about “Melt”:

  • Style: The website is beautifully designed. The videos are tastefully shot. Even their interstitial graphics are cool.
  • Charm: As host and instructor, Merkas seems like a genuinely nice guy who takes his job — and his wife’s pleasure — very seriously. But not too seriously. There’s a fine line between sophisticated seriousness and cheesy earnestness, and Merkas never crosses over to the dark side, even when he uses terms like “mushy mushy yum yum.” His cute Australian accent certainly doesn’t hurt!
  • Humor: We are automatically big fans of anyone who uses a Mr. Miyagi “wax on, wax off” reference when talking about massage do’s and don’ts.
  • Ease: Rather than one long daunting video that’s too intimidating to begin, Merkas breaks up the instruction into short, easy-to-process vids that are meticulously organized so you can ease into things, jump around, and review any specific technique you like at your own pace. Every technique is broken down and explained well with cute, easy-to-remember terms like “Train Tracks” and “The Cat Walk.”
  • Insider tips: No need for a massage table or other fancy props, just some useful tricks to make a sensual massage even better (for example, who knew the best place for a couples massage is not on the bed?!).
  • Choreographed routines: Included in the package are three massage “routines” — one 5 minutes, one 15 minutes, and one 30 minutes — that you can follow along with after you’ve mastered the various individual moves. Best part: Merkas offers each routine with or without commentary (hey, blindfold your partner and use the vids as a sort of silent cheat sheet!).
  • Effectiveness: Just ask Lo’s husband, who’s been in a zombie-like state of total bliss since she used him as her guinea pig.

Lifetime access to these 3 massage routines and 17 technique videos is usually $99. But from now until July 23rd, 2014, EMandLO.com readers can get Lifetime Access for ONLY $29, that’s more than 70% OFF! Use coupon code EMandLO to get the videos for ONLY $29. That’s certainly way less expensive than a date night out. So turn down the overheads, light some candles, and plan a great date night in with “Melt: Massage for Couples.”

 



8 Ways to Overcome Anxiety About a Gynecologist Visit

June 20, 2014

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photo via flickr

Nervous about going to the gynecologist? That’s a bummer.

Okay, that’s all the sympathy you’re going to get from us, because you’ve got to get over it. Your health is at stake, especially once you’re sexually active — and there’s nothing more important.

We all have to do things we don’t like: take our vitamins, shovel snow when it’s blocking the front door, pay our taxes, leave the womb. But we do it; we just get it over with as quickly and with as little fanfare as possible — and it ultimately makes our lives easier and better. When you were a kid, you certainly didn’t want to get your shots, but you had to, your parents made you, you didn’t have a choice — and at the time, you probably thought you were going to die. But you didn’t. And because you got the shots, you’ve avoided getting terrible diseases which could have killed you. See, better!*

Yes, there are much more enjoyable things to do than go to the gynecologist, but it’s hardly a visit to Gitmo. You lie back, bend your knees, spread your legs, breathe deeply, and try to relax while your gyno takes a look down there (more deets from Dr. Kate here). It usually takes less than two minutes, though our nerves can make it feel like fifteen. It’s not painful, just a bit uncomfortable and awkward.

Here are 8 things we’d recommend to make the whole thing less daunting, i.e. more comfortable and less awkward:

1. Get a mirror and start probing yourself. It’s sounds hippy-dippy, but the better you know your own body, the more empowered you’ll be. Doctors are often scary because they hold all this knowledge that you don’t. Even the playing field a bit by getting down there and taking a look around. Feel inside with your fingers. You can even order your own speculum from a female-friendly place like GoodVibrations so you can see what your gyno can see. (Just be sure to read up on proper procedure.) Plus it’ll get you familiar with the feeling.

2. Love your vagina. We know talk of speculums and beaver shots may sound gross, but there’s nothing gross about your body. Try to have happy, positive thoughts about your bod, especially your genitals — learn to love them, and then you’ll want to take care of them by going to the doctor regularly.

3. Go to a doctor that comes highly recommended. Ask around and find out who among your friends and family has a great gyno — then, assuming she’s in your health care company’s network, go to her. And we do mean her — having a person who can empathize with your body parts, and not inadvertently make you feel even more self-conscious while your pants are off really makes a difference, at least in our book. But just because a gynecologist is a woman, doesn’t automatically mean she’ll have a great bedside manner (which is why you need the personal recommendation), but the odds are probably better with a lady doc.

4. Have a close friend or family member be your wingwoman: Explain that you’re nervous and ask for help. Make the appointment for a time they can come along with you. Have them pick you up and go with you to the appointment. If you’re really scared, then them come into the exam room with you (just get clearance from the doc’s office beforehand). Have them hold your hand, make eye contact with you and distract you with small talk during the exam. Don’t worry about being perceived as a wimp — if it makes you feel better and keeps you up on the exam table, that’s all that matters. If you’re there, you’re not a wimp.

5. Tell your gyno that you’re nervous. Sounds basic, we know, but if she knows you’re nervous (we’re guessing the wingwoman will be a hint!) she can make a special effort to talk you through what she’s doing as she’s doing it. (The best gynos do this as a matter of course, which is just one more reason to get a recommendation.

6. Learn how to relax, physically and mentally. Take some yoga classes, do your kegels, get in the habit of breathing deeply and abdominally — because the more tense you are, the more uncomfortable it’s going to be.

7. Schedule your appointment in the afternoon so you can go to lunch and have a glass of wine first. Then, make sure you have something fun to do with your friend afterwards, so you have something to look forward to. But make a pact with yourself that you can’t do the fun thing unless you go to the doc first.

8. Check yourself: If you think there’s a chance your anxiety stems from some past trauma you haven’t dealt with emotionally, seek professional therapy. (This is not to say, of course, that your anxiety necessarily has a root cause — it’s perfectly natural to be nervous about a gyno visit with no past trauma at all.)

Be sure to check out Dr. Kate’s take on gynecologist fears here (after all,¬†¬†she’s a nice woman who looks at vaginas all day long!)

¬†*Let’s save debates about vaccinations for another website.

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Dream Interpretation: Can a Dream Reveal the Father of My Baby?

June 19, 2014

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photo via flickr

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it (18 and older only, please). This week, a reader asks Lauri:

I had sex with more than one guy and don’t know who is the father of my baby. All day and all night I think of one guy, I dream about us getting back together, us fighting, him loving his baby. I dream about the time we had sex — every dream I have is about him, and when I’m not dreaming, I think about him. What does this mean?

Lauri:¬†You’re dreaming about this one guy so much because you think about him so much. You see, we tend to dream about what is on our mind the most. Clearly, of all the guys you’ve been with, he’s the one you have feelings for.

Do these dreams mean he IS the father? Maury Povich could answer that more accurately than these dreams. But what they are telling you is this: He is the one you sure hope is the father. In addition, they are also trying to help you come to terms with your situation.

Your dreams of fighting with him are you trying to deal with your own inner conflict about your situation and how you are alone right now. When you dream you are back together, on one level it is because that is your desire, but on another, it is you trying to come to peace with your circumstance.

What I can tell you with 100% certainty is that these dreams are going to continue to nag you until you find out who the father is. The dreaming mind does not like complacency or unresolved issues, so it will nag us to death until we take care of what is left hanging. Find out who the father is then take it from there. Good luck, and sweet dreams!

Dreamer’s response:¬†Yeah, somehow at the back of my head I knew that it has to be about feelings. I love how you interpreted it though. You didn’t say what I want so desperately to hear, which is that he is the father. But you didn’t lie — so much better. The thoughts and dreams continue but I will find a solution. Thank you!

Visit Lauri’s brand new site,¬†WhatYourDreamMeans.com, for even more dream interpretations! If you want to be able to figure out your own dreams every morning, then check out her latest book,¬†Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, which will give you the tools you need to become a dream expert, too.¬†Check out all of Lauri’s books here.

 

 

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Comment of the Week: Porn Is No Biggie

June 18, 2014

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photo via Flickr

Reader Jessica¬†wrote the following in response to our post,¬†”Wise Guys: He Looks at Other Women But Gets Jealous If I Ogle Men“:

I used to be one of those women, when I was younger, who would fly off the handle if I saw my boyfriend looking at another woman. After going through a terrible marriage, I realize there are far worse things out there your man could do. ¬†As long as my boyfriend doesn’t stare for a longer period of time than normal, or try and talk or smile at the other women, I’m o.k. ¬†Let’s be real ladies, we look at men just as much as men look at women and our “girl talks” would make any man blush if they knew what we talked about. I enjoy admiring a beautiful woman, too. ¬†Women are physically beautiful and so are men. ¬†Porn is healthy, get over it. ¬†My boyfriend and I enjoy it together and when we are apart. ¬†If you restrict someone so much, they are going to do something far worse then watch porn. ¬†So ladies lighten up a bit and enjoy your man. ¬†As long as he isn’t cheating on you or lying, you have a good one.

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Why Do Men Masturbate When They’re Having Regular Sex?

June 18, 2014

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photo via flickr

Wise Guys is a regular column offering advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: Why do men masturbate in relationships, even when the sex is good and regular?”

Straight Married Guy (Ben): Every guy has a regular masturbation frequency (RMF) that is more or less unchangeable (though over the long-term, factors which usually have nothing to do with sex — like age or stress — can influence it). Take however many orgasms a guy’s already having with his partner and multiply it by his RMF — that’s how much a guy will masturbate. For example, a friend tells you his RMF is 1.3, so if he’s had a total of 3 orgasms with his partner in the past week, you multiply that by 1.3 to get the number of times he’ll want to masturbate that week (about 4). Now, some guys are high (RMF=2 or more) and others are low (RMF=1 or less!). But even if he has a really low RMF, like .25, that still means he’ll want to masturbate once after he’s had sex five times with his partner that week. So don’t focus on whether or not he’s masturbating: it’s a given. Instead, engage him on what he’s doing while he’s masturbating — what he’s looking at, or imagining, or fantasizing about. That’s where you’ll learn about your guy.

Gay Committed Guy (Mark): Perhaps the most obvious answer would be “Why shouldn’t they?” (As long as it’s not interfering with the sex — “Sorry, honey, I’ve already come three times today.”)¬† No, wait, the most obvious answer is, “Because they’re men.”¬† I’m sure, when it’s all over with, that people don’t look back on their lives, regardless of gender, and wish they’d had fewer orgasms.¬† Also, if it’s meant to be a monogamous relationship, better he should have the extra fun with himself than with some third (or fourth, etc.) party(-ies).

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Your Call: Revenge on My Ex Didn’t Work, I Feel Worse Than Ever

June 17, 2014

4 Comments

image via Wiki Media

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section.

Dear Em & Lo,

I (a man) was found by my married H.S. sweetheart. We hooked up, an old flame was reignited, and within a week we were planning our life together. Three months later, it turned sour for me as it seemed like she was stringing me along and never really planned on leaving her comfortable life with her husband.

I felt more disappointed than heartbroken and I sent her husband pics of us together and told him everything that had happened in those three months. Now it seems like she is happy and still with her husband and I am the one fucked over… even though I ended it with her.

I’m just pissed. I have never messed around with a married woman before and won’t be doing it again. Lots more to the story, but you get the jist of it. I am thinking about revenge, but don’t really want to because I feel that I already got my revenge. What should I do?

– Bitter Much

Do you have advice to share with Bitter Much on how he can move past his anger and disappointment? Share your thoughts in the comments section below.

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Top 5 Love Lessons from The Bachelorette (Andi, Week 5)

June 17, 2014

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screenshot from ABC’s “The Bachelorette”

  1. When trying to express your most romantic feelings, do not say “You are awesome,” as if you’re at some sporting event marveling at an epic play, bro.
  2. Don’t be a poor sport on a date. Join in, lighten up and have a laugh. (That said, if your date makes you mime…in public…in France, not only should you feel free to sulk, you should feel free to dump your date.)
  3. We’ll say it again: don’t be a poor sport on a date: If you don’t love to cook or feel inadequate in the kitchen but find yourself there on a date, roll with it, put in a modicum of effort, and make fun of your lack of culinary prowess. Do not pout and whine, “I don’t know how my mom makes her awesome mash potatoes, I just eat ‘em,” you big retro meathead.
  4. Think about what a Bachelor/Bachelorette producer would have you do on a date to be more romantic, and then do it. (No way did Brian come up with that restaurant kitchen make-out idea to make up for the kisses he didn’t steal in Andi’s apartment kitchen — that was pure producer prodding, and it totally worked.)
  5. Ladies, very rarely does “fancy” up-done hair look better than casual flowing hair. Less is often more, so when in doubt, walk away from the matronly up-do that takes hours to accomplish by a high-end stylist who secretly hates all women and is exacting their revenge through said ugly up-do.

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Dream Interpretation: I Glued My Penis Back Together

June 12, 2014

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Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it (18 and older only, please). This week, a reader asks Lauri:

In my terrifying dream my dick is cut into two pieces and I picked the half in my hand and tried to put it back to fix it. It was very difficult but I managed put it back, but it felt not strong enough, so I thought of applying glue to make it perfect… and then i opened my eyes.

I’m very¬†terrified¬†about the whole dream because i’m the type to hardly remember my dreams after waking up. Please help me, I need your assistant to set my mind at peace. Thank you so much!

Lauri: Unfortunately, this is a fairly common affliction men suffer in their dreams. Most often, this sort of dream is caused by something in your waking life that is causing you to feel emasculated.

At the time of this dream, did anyone around you berate you, put you down, or make you feel bad about yourself? Was anything going on where you were having a hard time “manning up” and asserting yourself?

It seems to me, from the way you were trying to glue your penis back together, that this dream may be more about a “separation” in your life that you are trying to mend. Dismemberment dreams can often be connected to a waking life dismemberment, meaning a waking life situation where someone has been cut out of your life. Just as you are trying to fix your broken penis in the dream, are you trying to fix a broken relationship in real life? The way you managed to put it back together in the dream means you do have the ability to put things back together in real life as well.

 

Visit Lauri’s brand new site,¬†WhatYourDreamMeans.com, for even more dream interpretations! If you want to be able to figure out your own dreams every morning, then check out her latest book,¬†Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, which will give you the tools you need to become a dream expert, too.¬†Check out all of Lauri’s books here.

 

 

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