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Your Call: What Positions Work for Big Belly, Small Penis?

January 26, 2015

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Pitch Perfect, The Mermaid Dance

We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Dear Em & Lo,

I have finally met the man of my dreams in almost every way. I am a bigger girl, he is supportive of my diet and other efforts, so it wasn’t a problem. I don’t mind that he has acquired his own belly either. However, the two of them mixed with what is a smaller than average penis, a severe knee injury in his past, and his not desiring to give oral are leaving me very sexually frustrated.

I don’t think a man going down on me is personally necessary, but in past relationships I at least got plenty of pleasure from a nice dick and was happy. I think I need help because I love him very much and cannot determine a good approach other than staying on my diet and hoping that future sex is more fulfilling for us.

We want a child together and what we have done together will never be able to produce a child. We need ideas that can bring us together without further injuring his knee. ALL help and ideas are greatly appreciated!

– Big (and Small) Problems

What advice do you have for B.A.S.P.? Share your thoughts in the comments section below.

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10 Ways Blizzards Are Good for Your Love Life

January 26, 2015

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photo via Flickr

It’s Snowmegeddon! Batten down the hatches! Get the gas for the generators! Scratch the eyes out of the mom at the grocery store grabbing the last of the organic milk! And then take a deep breath, relax, and look at the beautiful snow from another perspective: namely, from a place of love. Here are 10 blizzard-inspired behaviors that can have a potentially positive effect on your romantic relationship:

  1. Cozying up by the fire: If you’ve got a fireplace, there’s no better time to build a fire. And what’s more romantic than a roaring, crackling fire? A thousand cheesy movie love scenes can’t be wrong. Bear skin rug optional; bare skin…ideal.
  2. Nipping whiskey to warm up:¬†It’ll bring a flush to your cheeks, reminiscent of the rosie cheeks you get in, shall we say, other ways. And a little loosening of inhibitions — in moderation, of course — might inspire those “other ways.”
  3. Snuggling under the blankets to share body heat:¬†According to one health site, to avoid hypothermia “remove your clothing and lie next to the person, making skin-to-skin contact. Then cover both bodies with a blanket.” Hey, that’s official medical advice, people!
  4. Winter montages: Building a snowman together, having a snowball fight, drinking hot chocolate, looking adorable in matching woolen hats — it’s like your life is suddenly a rom-com montage! How can you not feel the love?
  5. Power outages mean mood-enhancing candlelight:¬†As with a roaring fire, “natural” light = instant romance, mainly for its flattering affects on your appearance: almost all bodily flaws are forgiven by firelight. Power outages may mean no TV, too — in which case, you’ll just have to make your own entertainment. Hmmm, we wonder how you could do that?
  6. Eskimo kisses:¬†Touching skin that you don’t normally touch can be novel. New nerves are awakened. Use the eskimo kiss to inspire other kinds of untraditional and unexpected touching, if you know what we mean.
  7. Long, hot baths:¬†With nowhere to go when you’re snowed in, there’s no need to rush through a quick shower. Draw a hot bath, add some bubbles or aromatic oils, bring in some candles (even if there’s no power outage), and invite your partner to join.
  8. Post-shovelling massages:¬†Yes, digging out is not only a drag, it can be dangerous: sore muscles, thrown-out backs, even heart attacks. But if you do any heavy lifting and make it back inside safe and sound, you are definitely within your rights to pull the pity card and request a rub down. And it’s almost a scientific fact that 78% of back massages end in sex.
  9. Cancelled work = instant mini staycation: (Please note: for the kid-free only.) With the world basically shut down and all responsibilities temporarily put on hold, you can sleep in, watch movies in bed, and have sex in the middle of the day just like you do on vacation. And the sex is always better on vacation.
  10. Stockholm-Syndrome-Lite. Forced to essentially be each other’s captives for an indeterminate amount of time, you just might fall in love all over again (if you don’t kill each other first).

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Dream Interpretation: I Have MMF Threeways with My Wife

January 22, 2015

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Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it (18 and older only, please). This week, a reader tells Lauri:

I dreamed me and my wife had a threesome with a guy. This dream occurs to me frequently, what does this signify? What does this symbolize? Is it a bad omen or what? Thank you!

Lauri:  There are two main reasons we get recurring dreams:

1. The dream is connected to an ongoing issue that has yet to be resolved; for as long as the issue continues, so will the dream.

2. The dream is connected to a recurring behavior pattern of yours in real life; whenever you exhibit the behavior you get the dream.

So let’s see if we can figure out which it is. The guy in the dream symbolizes something that has been brought into the marriage. Can you pinpoint when these dreams began? If so, then the issue the guy symbolizes began around the same time. I’m assuming the guy in the dream is someone that doesn’t actually exist in real life, in which case he will symbolize male assertive energy. Has your wife been a bit more “ballsy” lately (in the bedroom or elsewhere): speaking her mind, standing up for herself, making things happen, making more money, working more, etc? If so, then that may be what this guy is.

Or are you the one being more ballsy, assertive, etc.? Or is there some issue or activity that you both have become “involved” in? You should be able to connect it to one of the three.

Once you do, it’s time to decide if this is a welcome addition to the marriage or is it something that you feel is getting in between the two of you. I hope this gives you enough ammo to figure it out. Once you decide this is a welcome addition to the marriage or decide it is not and remove it, the dreams will stop.
Visit Lauri’s site,¬†WhatYourDreamMeans.com, for even more dream interpretations! If you want to be able to figure out your own dreams every morning, then check out her latest book,¬†Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, which will give you the tools you need to become a dream expert, too.¬†Check out all of Lauri’s books here.

 

 

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Your Call: Can I Downgrade a Booty Call to Friend (No Benefits)?

January 21, 2015

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We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. Make your call on the letter below by leaving your advice in the comments section. 

Dear Em & Lo,

I have been reading lots of stuff, but not really getting the answer I want, so here goes: Can a booty call turn into him and I just being friends? Not boyfriend girlfriend, just friends.

– Friend, No Benefits

What advice do you have for F.N.B.? Share your thoughts in the comments section below.

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Wise Guys: How Can Women Pick Up Men in Bars?

January 21, 2015

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photo via flickr

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: What are the best ways for a woman to pick up a man in a bar?

Gay Single Guy (Daniel): Well, what kind of bar is it? If it’s a sports bar, talk about the game of course! I‚Äôm going out on a limb here as a queer man, but most straight men lurve women who are into sports. And why is that? Because it‚Äôs a pleasant surprise that keeps giving pleasure. Imagine meeting someone attractive that happens to share an interest with you that you can talk almost endlessly about. Wouldn’t your heart just melt if you met a genuinely straight guy who loved shopping for clothes and talking about it? It‚Äôs the same kind of surprise and euphoria for a woman and sports! But outside of the sports bar, I know the absolute best way: walk up to the man and offer to buy him a drink. Why is this frakkin‚Äô brilliant? 1) Totally unexpected; 2) Demonstrates both a cleverness and a sense of humor; 3) Shows independence and adventurousness; and 4) It‚Äôs also an open door to a smart discussion on male-female dynamics, role-reversals, feminism, etc. See, it‚Äôs perfect!

Straight Married Guy (Figleaf): You’d think the best way would be to ask for his phone number and say, “Can I call you later.”¬† Unfortunately that seems to make men nervous if they’re not already pretty interested.¬† That’s not as unfair as it sounds, though, because chances are good that unless you’re already pretty interested, it makes you a little nervous when men try to pick you up!¬† Here’s what I’ve seen work pretty well no matter who’s asking: make or permit eye contact without making a big production out of it.¬† Then go back to doing what you were doing before.¬† Try for eye contact again every now and then.¬† Smile back if he smiles.¬† If he seems interested, find your way over to him (if he doesn’t come over to you first) and find a way to say “hi” without making him feeling cornered.¬† You can both probably take it from there.¬† One important point though: don’t be shocked and, especially, don’t be hurt if he declines your overtures.¬† We’re used to thinking of men as always interested, but that’s more a function of men traditionally initiating.¬† If he gets to know you a little better he might change his mind… or even ask you out himself.¬† Good luck.

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10 Journal Prompts to Help You Get Over a Breakup

January 20, 2015

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photo via flickr

Two recent articles in the New York Times¬†(here and here) discussed the benefits of writing things down to help you move on from a difficult situation. An aversion to exercise, for example, or trouble fitting in at a new job, or — the situation we hear about most often at EMandLO.com — inability to get over a breakup. The latter is the one we will discuss here.

You may call it writing in a diary, or “journaling” (assuming that word doesn’t make you feel funny inside!), but researchers call it “expressive writing.” And there is actually a lot of scientific research showing the benefits of expressive writing — studies have shown it can improve mood disorders, boost memory, increase happiness, ¬†improve general health,¬†change behavior, and even reduce symptoms among cancer patients. Holy shit! If expressive writing can punch cancer in the face, just imagine what it can do to your asshole ex.

The idea, according to the NYT, is “based on the idea that we all have a personal narrative that shapes our view of the world and ourselves. But sometimes our inner voice doesn‚Äôt get it completely right. Some researchers believe that by writing and then editing our own stories, we can change our perceptions of ourselves and identify obstacles that stand in the way.”

But how the hell do you edit your narrative and change the story? Below are ten prompts that you can follow to do exactly that. Buy yourself a notebook (or do it on your laptop if you prefer, but we like the old-school nature of using a pen). Each day, or every other day, follow one of the prompts below. When you get to the end of the list of prompts, take a few days to read over what you wrote in response to each prompt. Then, start over with prompt number one, and go through to number ten again. When you’ve completed all ten prompts a second time, take a few days to read and compare your two different sets of responses. Repeat, and repeat, as necessary.

Here’s the thing: It may not seem as if you are moving forward, in real time. But journaling in this way is kind of like time-lapse photography — in a month or two or three, you’ll be able to step back, look at the big picture, and see how you really are moving on. And the more distance you have from your ex, the more honest, and more helpful-slash-healing, your responses are likely to be.

Without further ado, here are our ten prompts. Respond in a hundred words, or five hundred, or a thousand, whatever feels right*:

1.¬†Describe what your ex looks like, including at least one physical defect (come on, even supermodels have at least one body part that is less than perfect, even if it’s just an oddly shaped pinkie toe).

2. What do you miss about your ex?

3. What don’t you miss about your ex?

4. Why did you two break up?

5. In what ways were you a better person around your ex?

6. In what ways did your ex make you a worse person?

7. What are you looking for in your next partner?

8. When did you first realize you guys were headed toward a break-up?

9. What was sex like with your ex?

10. What did you do today?

* Warning: According to the NYT, too much journaling might not be right for everyone: If your problem is that you tend to ruminate too much on your feelings after a breakup, then you should limit yourself to a certain word count each day (say, 500 words), and limit yourself to journal entries only every three days.

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Top 10 Love Lessons from “The Bachelor” (Wedding “Crashers” Episode)

January 20, 2015

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photo via ABC’s The Bachelor

Last night’s third episode of ABC’s “The Bachelor”¬†continued the season’s new style of embracing the humor along with the histrionics (often via some heavy-handed editing at the women’s expense). For examples of this trend, see Ellen DeGeneres’s recent season recap:

Is Chris Soules so boring that the producers’ only recourse is to turn the show into an ongoing bloopers reel? Probably. Is it kind of uncool of them to caricature the women’s poor drunken choices, their fashion faux pas, and their mental instability with clever camera work and cruel cuts. Um, yeah. Is it still incredibly entertaining and addictive and we’ll never be shamed into not watching? Of course! As always, we’ve sacrificed our own brain cells for your benefit. Behold, the best¬†dating advice “The Bachelor” can give!:

  1. It may be trendy, but clown-color lipstick is not a good choice if you’re hoping for a late-date make-out sesh. We’re all for men wearing make-up, but it’s got to be their own choice.
  2. You don’t have to pretend to be the “cool girl”, as defined by Gillian Flynn in “Gone Girl,” in order to get the guy: “Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth like she‚Äôs hosting the world‚Äôs biggest culinary gang bang while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want. Go ahead, shit on me, I don‚Äôt mind, I‚Äôm the Cool Girl… Men actually think this girl exists.” We were reminded of this passage when Kaitlin said she wouldn’t mind if Chris slept with all the women in the fantasy suites, even if Kaitlin and he ended up engaged, because it was all “part of the process.” Yeah, right.
  3. When pursuing a romantic interest, do not bring along a funnier, more interesting person as your wingman/wingwoman (that goes double if said wingperson is a famous celebrity, triple if they’re a famous celebrity comedian). They will upstage you while underscoring your flaws.
  4. Ass crack should not be a fashion accessory, ever.
  5. Five words you should never say on a first or second date: “Let’s pretend it’s our wedding.” Similarly, avoid cheesy pick up lines and canned prefaces to first kisses, e.g. “You’re a man and I’m a woman, so I just wanted to take advantage…” (You may also want to avoid ¬†the phrase, “Salty and warm, that’s not stuff I like in my mouth.” Then again, asserting that upfront may be a good thing, depending on how you roll.)
  6. Not rushing into things, saving something for later, and leaving something to the imagination are all legitimate dating strategies (and not only when you’re one of 18 people trying to play one-on-one tonsil hockey with the same person). We’re not suggesting you play games, we’re just saying the beginning of a relationship is one of the most fun parts — why not draw it out and make it last?
  7. Never underestimate the transformative power of knowing how to dance, even if it’s only the “Shopping Cart” and the “Fishing Rod.” Prince Farming got 80% more attractive once he exhibited his moves on the dance floor of the wedding he “crashed” with his date. It’s called rhythm — get some.
  8. While we would caution against employing a Kardashian look, we must insist unequivocally that you never publicly admit that you actually have “a Kardashian look” that you sometimes employ.
  9. While we understand there’s no time like the present, we question the wisdom of dropping the details of a personal tragedy to the object of your affection in the middle of an event like a fun, flirty, boozy pool party…while dressed in wet bathing suits. (Don’t even get us started on wisdom of wearing a foreheadband.)
  10. In the immortal words of Rosy Grier, it’s alright to cry (see below) — for instance, over the tragic suicide of your husband and baby’s father. However, it is NOT alright to cry because someone won’t get out of a hot tub.
Read up on last week’s love lessons learned from “The Bachelor.”¬†

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What to Do When You Get Your Period on a Booty Call

January 16, 2015

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Dear Em & Lo,

For the past two weeks I have been sleeping with a guy I met here at college. The boundaries of our relationship have been well-established: late night phone calls for no-strings-attached sex. We’re having a great time, and I want to keep this thing going. However, the last time we were together I had one of my most embarrassing moments: I got my period during sex. Although he seemed to handle the situation relatively well, he hasn’t called me since. I am worried that what happened was more of a girlfriend-type situation than a booty-call type situation. Was that a deal breaker for him? This is an incredibly awkward situation for me, as we know many of the same people and I fear that he has given up on me and that this can only reflect badly upon myself. Should I contact him? Apologize? Buy him new sheets? Help!

– Crimson Tide

Dear C.T.,

We have so many questions…

First, how does you unexpectedly getting your period reflect badly on you? We’re sure you didn’t plan to turn his bed into a crime scene, right? Sometimes these things happen. Your period is part of life. Heck, it’s part of your sexuality. And have you seen the stuff that comes out of the end of his dick when he ejaculates? Not exactly flowers, either. If you wanted to win the Nice Booty Call of the Year award, you could have offered to either help him clean the sheets (he may not have the experience we ladies do with getting out blood stains) or buy him new ones. But how many guys do you know who offer to clean a woman’s sheets when he spills his seed all over them, huh? It’s just not that big a deal.

Next, if this is a mutually understood, agreed-upon, and pleasurable booty call situation for both of you, why are you waiting around for him to call you? If you want to keep making sex appointments, call him. If you want to find out if this is a big deal for him, just come right out and ask him. You guys are getting naked and poking each other’s holes, for crying out loud. That’s pretty intimate stuff, menstrual blood or not. We think your relationship, however casual, can handle a frank discussion about the functions of those bodies that get undressed and roll around together.

Finally, assuming it turns out that he does think it’s a big deal, why would you want to be with him? He doesn’t have to lap it up like Edward Culllen from Twilight, but if he’s so grossed out by your period that he’s willing to give up a good booty call arrangement, then he’s an unsympathetic, immature baby who doesn’t understand the first thing about female anatomy (which probably makes him suck in the sack, anyway) and he doesn’t deserve your amorous attention. But rather than giving him bloody hell (which would be our first instinct), we guess you could rise above it all and try to gently explain why it’s just not that big a deal, making him a better future booty call and boyfriend for girls to come. After all, he is still in college. Maybe he’s never had a good woman tell him this before.

Of course, you need to consider the possibility that his not calling has nothing to do with your period at all. You’re in college, you’ve known each other only two weeks, you’re having casual sex, he’s a guy — it’s kind of a miracle that you’ve gotten together more than once! He might have just moved on to have casual sex with someone else, period.

Seeing red,

Em & Lo

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Dream Interpretation: My Fiancé Dreamed He Stabbed Me

January 15, 2015

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Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it (18 and older only, please). This week, a reader tells Lauri:

My fiancé dreamed that he stabbed me in front of our kids. What does this mean?

Lauri:¬† Provided your fianc√© does not have a violent background, don’t let this dream worry you. In fact, I think there are two good signs here:

1. The fact that he told you this dream shows that he is honest is with you.

2. The content of this dream shows he has a great deal of concern for you and for the kids.

You see, typically, stabbing in a dream can be connected to verbal anger in real life. Around the time of this dream, do you recall the two of you having an argument, and in particular, do you recall him criticizing you or saying emotionally wounding words to you? We often use the term “cutting remarks” when referring to harsh and painful words. That suggests that he is aware of any emotional pain he may have caused you and since the dream took place in front of your children, he is aware that your arguments may have an impact on them. I also believe it shows a bit of guilt on his part.

So thank him for sharing the dream with you. And I would also recommend that you two make a habit of sharing your dreams with each other every morning. My hubby and I do this over coffee. It’s a great way to start the day because you’ll laugh at the absurdity dreams often provide, and you’ll stay plugged in to each other.

 

Visit Lauri’s site,¬†WhatYourDreamMeans.com, for even more dream interpretations! If you want to be able to figure out your own dreams every morning, then check out her latest book,¬†Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, which will give you the tools you need to become a dream expert, too.¬†Check out all of Lauri’s books here.

 

 

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4 Ways to Make Your Marriage Last in the 21st Century

January 15, 2015

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by Gwendolyn Bond-Upson for YourTango | photo via flickr

Did you know that the rate of¬†infidelity¬†in American marriages has not increased in 20 years, even though attitudes toward¬†adultery¬†have loosened in the past 40? More facts, in addition to tips for success are included in the University of Virginia’s¬†National Marriage Project’s annual report “The State of Our Unions:¬†Marriage¬†in America 2009.” You can click through the project’s welcome page to read the 116 page report‚ÄĒor just get the abbreviated version here.

Our friends at¬†The Huffington Post¬†have thoughtfully pared the report’s findings down to a few key points as an entry point into more advanced-level marital strategy.

1. Marriage is as much an economic, as an emotional partnership.

This is one area the recession of 2009 has helped families strengthen their bonds. Mutual belt-tightening and simple lifestyle shifts, such as more cooking and eating together at home have united families in both financial agreement and increased communication and quality time. 4 Ways To Avoid Fighting About Money

2. Switch traditional financial responsibilities.

Generally women tend to make the everyday purchasing decisions in a household and men the long-term investment choices. UVA professor Richard T. Wilcox suggests flipping the responsibilities. Women tend to enjoy shopping more and therefore spend more, getting an emotional as well as practical pay-off out of the experience. A man will typically have more spending discipline when it comes to household shopping. But as far as investing goes men are more likely to be overconfident and risky whereas a woman will seek outside advise from a professional, making more informed and prudent financial choices ultimately.¬†5 Ways To Improve A Marriage That’s Already Strong

3. Accumulating “stuff” does not a happy relationship make.

Getting on the same page with your family budget is a good first step toward harmony, but if you are still harboring materialistic feelings that a “thing” like a car or house or gold-plated toilet are going to make you feel more whole you will undermine the satisfaction you can get from your loved one. Now, don’t get us wrong: it’s still a hoot to watch audience members blowing their tops on Oprah’s annual “Favorite Things” episode!¬†10 Items Of His We’d Like To Toss

4. Define your own roles.

The idea of the man as sole or even main breadwinner has been going the way of the Dodo for decades. Now with a major increase in male unemployment and more women continuing to work post-childbirth, it is time to redefine our ideas of success and contribution in a working relationship. Men can be caregivers, women can be breadwinners and that can shift over the years as well. You get to chose how you feel about each other’s contributions so why not set them and agree that they are all valued?¬†For A Month, I Did Everything My Wife Said

Time spent together communicating, compromising and just hanging out are a sure way to increase the return on your marriage. Lucky for us the economy is giving us just the slightest nudge to force these practices in to action! How The Recession Forever Changed Relationships

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This article originally appeared on YourTango