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The Married Person’s Top 10 New Year’s Resolutions

January 3, 2014

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photo via Flickr

  1. Have sex with your partner more than you watch porn/read erotica on your own.
  2. Trim your toenails like you did when you were single before a date.
  3. Kiss your partner on the lips for at least 5 seconds every day.
  4. In the next 6 months, be sure to spend at least one night in a hotel together (even if it’s just at the Hampton Inn in the next town over).
  5. Make the weekly date night a sacrament.
  6. Give more back rubs without the expectation of reciprocal sex.
  7. Try to think of and share stories from your past that you’ve somehow never told each other before (a la “Before Midnight”).
  8. Exercise together (even if that just means going for a walk around the block while holding hands every now and then).
  9. Fart in front of each other less.
  10. Look each other in the eyes when you climax (at least occasionally).

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Dream Interpretation: We Both Dreamed About Her Deceased Husband

January 2, 2014

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Toulouse-Lautrec via Wiki Images

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it. This week, a reader asks Lauri:

My girlfriend and I had the same dream of her deceased husband who passed 2 yrs ago. She dreamt that he came back and he was ok with her staying with me even tho he is back. And I dreamt he asked me nicely to go as he wants to be with his family again. What does this mean?

Lauri: Having the same or similar dream as someone else on the same night is called shared dreaming and it usually happens to two people who are very close: husband and wife, best friends, mother and daughter, etc. The reason why is because the two individuals are dealing with the same issue and their subconscious responds to it similarly by giving them comparable dreams.

That being said, do you recall if the day before this dream you and your girlfriend spoke about her deceased husband? In both your dreams he came back, which makes me think perhaps the two of you brought up marriage or perhaps having a deeper commitment to each other.

Her dream is very telling in that it shows us she is ready to move on and love again. That’s a big deal! I can’t tell you how many women I have done dream work with that won’t move on because they feel as though they would be cheating on their husband. But your dream shows some apprehension.

Him telling you that he wants to be with his family again seems to reflect a concern you may have that his presence will continue to be felt in this relationship. Do you worry that your girlfriend compares you to him? It sounds like she has children. Do you worry that if you married her, her children may not welcome you?

Remember, dreams are a conversation with the self, so your inner dialogue shows some serious concern. Let this be an opportunity to bring this up to her and you can start the conversation by reminding her of this dream. Dreams are the most honest expressions we have. If you are upfront and honest about this, she’ll appreciate it and will likely reassure you… if her dream hasn’t done that for you already. Good luck and let us know how it goes!

Dreamer’s response: Thank you so much for informing us of the meaning of our dreams. Yes, we have been talking about us and the future so I guess it’s a sort of acceptance and closure. She dreams about her husband a lot and all I say is, he comes to visit in her dreams to see if she is ok. And yes she has children and we get along very well.

Her husband was a great man and she loved him to bits. I think she does not compare me to him but because it was so sudden and then all of a sudden meeting me it’s been a quick transition from loving one to another. But we both care about each other very much. But I understand what it means now and I will definitely keep in touch. Again, thank you very much.

Want to be able to figure out your own dreams every morning? Lauri’s latest book, Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, will give you the tools you need to become a Dream Expert too! Check out all of Lauri’s books here.

 

 

 

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The New Year’s Issue

December 19, 2013

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A Refresher Course for Your New Year’s Kiss
Brush up on your midnight pucker up.

 


20 Naughty New Year’s Resolutions
Screw the gym membership.


What’s a Man’s Ideal New Year’s Eve?
Good wine. Good food. Good friends. And maybe a disco beat?

 


One More Time: What’s a Man’s Ideal New Year’s Eve?
Three more of our Wise Guys lay it out for you.

 

vintage_couple_bed_love0003
Your Sex-Related New Year’s Resolutions
More great ideas for the brand new year.

 


Is Your New Year’s Resolution to Be Single? Hello, D-Day!
January is the season for divorce, but don’t blame it on office holiday party nookie.

 


Top 10 Kinky New Year’s Resolutions
Which includes buying our book 150 SHADES OF PLAY, of course! (Now on sale for less than ten bucks so as not to conflict with your any budget-conscious resolutions!)

2013 According to Miley Cyrus and Jennifer Lawrence

It’s a year-end quote-off between 2013′s mouthiest twenty-somethings!



The Naughty and Nice Issue

December 18, 2013

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‘Tis the season to be sexy. So brush up on your sex etiquette for the holidays with our best festive advice below. This of course includes buying everyone you know our book 150 SHADES OF PLAY, now at a special holiday price of under ten bucks for the first time ever, so you can give everyone a Merry Kinkmas!

What’s the Worst Holiday Present You Ever Received from a Partner?
Can you top reader H? They received an autographed photograph of Garth Brooks… and they’re not even a fan!


Rules for Surviving Your In-Laws This Holiday Season
Take long walks with your partner, let it go if you don’t get to share a bedroom, and much more!


How to Navigate the Crappy Holidays Alone
On counting your blessings and not impulse-shopping for a partner.


What’s a Good Holiday Present for a Man?
Bourbon, blowjobs, and gadgets, oh my! And check out how some of our other Wise Guys answered the question here and then here.


Your Call: Should She Dump Him Before or After Xmas?
Is it heartless to dump someone days before Christmas — or is prolonging the inevitable patronizing and worse?


What Is the Etiquette of Saucy Holiday Gifting?
At what point in a relationship is it acceptable to give a sex-related gift?


Wise Guys: Is a Striptease a Good Last-Minute Gift?
Should you unwrap yourself for your man this holiday season? (If you intend to, here’s how.)


Can I Give a Sex Toy as a Present?
Yes, but… it can’t be just any sex toy.


Wise Guys: Is a Saucy Love Ring a Good Gift for a Dude?
It is a kind of gadget, after all…


LELO’s Pleasure Sets: For Someone Who’s Been Naughty AND Nice
If you’ve met each other’s parents, then we think you’re ready to up the naughty factor a little…


Oops! I Slept with a Co-Worker at the Office Holiday Party!
Because not every kiss under the office mistletoe ends with a Jim-and-Pam-style happy ending.


How Not to Regret Your Holiday Office Party in 4 Easy Steps
Navigating the open bar, the micro-mini dress, and that dreaded Xerox machine.

The 12 Days of Kinkmas

Everybody sing: 3 fetish masks, 2 latex gloves, and a house slave in a gimp suit!

Em & Lo’s Sexy Holiday Gift Guide: $10 Edition

Extremely affordable gifts for every adult on your holiday list (not just sex toys!).

Em & Lo’s Sexy Holiday Gift Guide: $20 Edition

Not just sex toys! Meaning, you’ll find very affordable ideas for every adult on your list.

Em & Lo’s Sexy Holiday Gift Guide: $50 Edition

Give a little more thoughtfully to the adults on your holiday gift list.

Em & Lo’s Sexy Holiday Gift Guide: $100 Edition

And by “sexy” we mean, sure to please every adult on your gift list.

Em & Lo’s Sexy Holiday Gift Guide: Big Spender Edition

Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you a pretty ‘effing awesome gift.


150 Shades of Play Is On Sale!!!
Have yourself a merry little kinkmas with this book… the perfect gift for your best friend/partner/sister-in-law/White Elephant party. Now on sale for less than ten bucks!



Your Call: How Do I Set Limits in a New BDSM Relationship?

December 18, 2013

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photo via Entertainment Weekly
We get a lot of advice questions coming in at EMandLO.com, but sadly, we just can’t answer them all. Which is why, once a week, we turn to you to decide how best to advise a reader. You can leave your advice in the comments section below (for a reader who appears to be dating a Christian Grey wannabe). 

Submit Your Own Question to EMandLO.comTry Our New
*PRIVATE* Advice Service!

 

Dear Em & Lo,

Do you have any advice for setting limits in a new BDSM relationship?

My boyfriend is a dom and wants few limits. I’m new at this and don’t really know where my limits are other than the obvious of no kids, no animals, don’t kill me. So we’re kind of at a stand off. Any guidance would be appreciated! Thank you!

– In a Vanilla-Chocolate Swirl

What should Vanilla-Chocolate Swirl do? Leave your advice for her in the comments section below. (And in case no one else mentions it, we’d like to point out that Fifty Shades of Grey is NOT a how-to manual for kink. But this book is!)

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Wise Guys: What’s a Good Present for a Man?

December 17, 2013

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photo by mysza

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “What’s a good holiday present for 1) a guy you’ve just started dating (sleeping with), 2) a guy you’ve been exclusive with for a year or so, 3) a husband?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Straight Single Guy (Tom Miller): Christmas (or Hannukah) gifts are a tricky subject. Most guys catch a touch of agita about gift-giving for two reasons: 1) a great gift from you may mean that things are going a little too fast for him; and 2) he’ll feel like a real yutz if you dramatically out-spend him.

The best advice I can give is to give a gift that shows how well you know him. If you’re newly dating (or just boning), something small does the trick. Think, a shirt that you think would look great on him or some piece of media (book, music, movie, game) that you would enjoy together. Two years gets a little tricky; the big challenge is finding something that shows how well you know him. Does he love the Red Hot Chili Peppers? Get him tickets. A gadget is a great gift at this point too.

When you’re married, you presumably share finances, so you have to be a little careful with extravagance. Give him an experience. A rafting trip, a scuba-diving class or a trip to somewhere he’s always wanted to go. A book of very specific coupons is always a great gift, especially if they’re sexy OR get-out-of-chore in nature.

anonymous_suitStraight Married Guy (Fred): 1) gadgets in the $40 range, e.g. cordless screwdriver, video game, iTunes gift card, BluRay of favorite movie, remote-control toy helicopter. Or a hand-made coupon for one blowjob.

2) Gadgets in the $60 range, e.g. power drill, any power tool, video game, BluRay of favorite movie, concert/sports tickets, noise-cancelling headphones. Or a hand-made coupon for one blowjob.

3) Gadgets in the $100 range (or higher), e.g. DeWalt power drill, any power tool, BluRay player (get the same brand as his other equipment, Panasonic and Sony are good bets), Playstation portable PSP, iPad, Kindle, good knives (if he likes to cook), slippers (I love slippers). Or a hand-made coupon for one blowjob.

terence_100Gay Committed Guy (Terence): 1) An all-day sex Sunday. 2) A threesome. 3) A call girl. Okay, just kidding. I’d get a new boyfriend tix to whatever sporting event he digs and is on at that time of year. After a year I’d get him some kind of adventure ticket (skydiving, bungee, hang-gilding etc). And for the husband, I’d book a hotel for the weekend, send him for a massage and then stay in bed (breakfast-sex-lunch-sex-dinner, etc.)

Click here to see what a different group of Wise Guys recommended last year as great gifts for men.

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Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors. Tom Miller writes the Tomfoolery blog for YourTango; Terence is an American living in Sydney; Matt is a little shy. To ask the guys your own question, click here.



Dream Interpretation: I Was Wearing a Flaccid Strap-On

December 4, 2013

1 Comment

Other people’s dreams are never interesting…except when they’re about sex. Each week, our dream analyst Lauri Loewenberg tells one lucky reader what their dirty dream means. Got a dream you want Lauri to analyze? Click here to submit it. This week, a reader asks Lauri:

The other day, my boyfriend told me he dreamed I was wearing a strap-on. The catch is, it was a flaccid penis rather than a hard one. What could this possibly mean?

Lauri: Since it’s his dream, you’ll have to do your best to get inside his head for me. Now, I will assume that you guys are not into gender-bending roleplay in the bedroom, in which case this dream seemed to have come out of left field, correct? If so, the flaccid strap on — which would likely be an abysmal failure in the sex toy market — is more about your male assertive energy.

This dream seems to suggest that your boyfriend feels that you have the ability to “put on” an assertive role in your life, an ability to “stand up” for yourself and be “firm” when you need to but, instead, you are being “soft” and meek. It may be regarding one particular instance rather than in general, but nonetheless, it seems your honey believes in you but you aren’t fully applying yourself. In other words, “man up,” sista!

Want to be able to figure out your own dreams every morning? Lauri’s latest book, Dream On It: Unlock Your Dreams Change Your Life, will give you the tools you need to become a Dream Expert too! Check out all of Lauri’s books here.

 

 

 

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Dear Em & Lo: What to Do About a Jelquing Injury

December 3, 2013

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Dear Em & Lo,

A friend of mine has injured his manhood due to Jelqing. Urologists don’t know anything about Jelqing. Where could my friend turn to someone who might know what to do once a Jelqing injury has happened?

– A Friend Indeed

Dear Friend,

It’s so kind of you to write on behalf of your “friend.” And what close friends you must be, that he is willing to share the damage he did to his manhood while trying to enlarge it! If only everyone had a friend like this.

Anyway, back to your “friend.” (Oh, what the hell, maybe you’re telling the truth, and maybe you have truly never tried Jelquing yourself, and maybe it’s not that you’re too embarrassed to tell two sex advice writers, even via an anonymous online contact form, that you hurt yourself by attempting to enlarge your penis.)

The very simple answer is, your “friend” (sorry, your friend) needs to get to a urologist, and stat. Sure, not every urologist may have heard of Jelquing, but they are all pretty familiar with the penis. That’s their job, after all. Would you say that a urologist was unqualified to help if your friend had injured his penis during a raucous game of Twister… and the urologist had never played, or even heard of, the board game Twister? Urologists deal in penises, both the healthy ones and the injured ones, and they’re the best qualified to help your friend.

As for you: The best thing you can do to help your friend (besides writing to advice columnists when he is too distraught over his injured penis to take hand to keyboard) is to remind him that Jelquing is not safe. (Then again, after that, he probably doesn’t need reminding.) In fact, as we have said here before many times, the entire field of penis enlargement is one big ball of don’t.

Jelquing has gained widespread interest thanks to the internet — and, in particular, thanks to spammers! (Which should tell you everything you need to know.) In case you need help decoding the signs, the short story is: It doesn’t work. More importantly, it could do some serious damage to a man’s number one guy. Here’s a good rule of thumb: If someone tells you something will increase penis size, they’re lying. Let’s say that one more time, shall we? If someone tells you something will increase penis size, they’re lying. We hope your friend recovers soon and isn’t forced to learn this lesson in a way that causes permanent damage. The sooner he calls a urologist, the better.

Hang in there, as the bros say,

Em & Lo

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Turkey Cooking Tips For Better Sex

November 28, 2013

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photo via Flickr

However distasteful it may sound, there are a lot of similarities between cooking turkey and having sex: prepping naked skin, heating things up, getting stuffed, being done — and when you really think about it, they’re both kind of gross. So in honor of the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday, we’ve retrofitted the Food Network’s top 10 Turkey Tips for sex. And while it would have been easy, we’re proud to say we resisted solely equating the woman engaged in sex with “the bird.”

  1. Plan ahead. The best way to warm someone up is to take your time; count on several hours or even days of foreplay.
  2. Both low-heat and high-heat seduction styles have their merits. The classic method is 3 dates before sex; if you’re willing to sacrifice the possibility of long-term leftovers, you can do it on the first date.
  3. But for the hottest sex, start to get things cooking but leave it unconsummated at least overnight.
  4. People have better sex if they’re not over-stuffed. A light diet of mostly vegetables (carrots, celery, onions and garlic) with fresh herbs adds flavor without leading to dryness or bitterness.
  5. Keep a bottle of lube on the side; moisten generously.
  6. Dressing up for sex may look professional and pretty, but for the best sex, leave yourselves untrussed. And hey, it’s one less thing for you to do!
  7. Scatter rose petals on your bed before arranging yourselves on top. They’ll add tons of romance to your drippings.
  8. Deal with the legs and wings first — then you’ll have more success when you get to the breast.
  9. Once the turkey goes in the oven, don’t open the door too often. Every time you do, the heat drops precipitously, so it’ll raise both the cook time as well as the odds of dryness.
  10. Once cooking is done, tent yourselves loosely with a blanket and rest for about half an hour before diving in again. If you need more time to recover, you can rest for up to an hour without losing too much heat.

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10 Sexy Things to Be Thankful for This Thanksgiving

November 28, 2013

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photo via flickr

Whether you’re married, dating, single and loving it, or desperately seeking some lovin’, here are ten sexy things you can give thanks for this Thanksgiving. Consider this your holiday gratitude journal — except we already wrote it for you… one more thing to be thankful for. You’re welcome!

1. The Sex Toy Revolution

Once upon a time, sex toys were cheap nasty plastic things designed “for novelty use” only, and about as likely to get you off as a Geraldo Riviera topless selfie. These days, sex toy shoppers can choose from a huge variety of well-designed, well-made, gorgeous toys that are good for your body, good for the environment, and fantastic for your sex life. Don’t forget to tell Santa that you plan to be naughty and nice.

2. Sex Advice Wants to Be Free!

Back when sex toys were cheap nasty plastic things, sex advice columnists were a rare breed and most of the sex advice out there was the watered-down kind that advertisers in glossy magazines could stomach. These days, the web is littered with free sex advice columns, so it’s easier than ever to improve your own sex life. Not so good for our career prospects; excellent for your love life prospects.

3. Feminist Porn

Erika Lust and a bunch of women like her are now making erotic films that won’t make you feel icky (or, at least, will only make you feel icky for all the right reasons).

4. Your Mind Is a Fantasy Island

Here’s something that’s always been true: What goes on in your dirty little mind is nobody’s business but your own, and this is true whether you’re single, dating, or married for twenty years. Go ahead and break every rule in the sex book in your own head, we won’t tell.

5. Safer Sex Is Sexier Than Ever

Along with the sex toy revolution came a much wider choice in terms of condoms, both male and female. And we’re not talking about blue vs. green or red vs. gold, a la Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman. We mean it’s now easier than ever to find the condom that fits you just perfectly, and maybe even adds a little extra sensation for you and your partner.

6. Masturbation Is Free… and Calorie-Free

So give yourself a good stuffing this Thanksgiving, heh heh.

7. Let Me Google That For You

Wondering if it’s normal to be a virgin at twenty-six? Wondering what percentage of women orgasm without clitoral stimulation? Wondering if you can get the HPV vaccine if you’re thirty? Wondering what condoms feel best? Wondering if the female condom is worth a try? Wondering what the hell the P-spot is? There was a time when we did all this wondering but Google wasn’t there to clear things up in the privacy of our own homes.

8. Gay Marriage Is Spreading Like Sunshine

At this point, it’s only a matter of time until it’s legal in all fifty states. Bring it on!

9. 2013 Is (Mostly) a Good Time to Be Having Sex

Remember when gay sex and birth control were both illegal? Remember when more people were dying from AIDS than living with it? Remember when doctors tried to “cure” women’s “hysteria” with industrial-strength vibrators? Remember when the clitoris didn’t get invited to the party? Yeah, neither do we. Consider yourselves lucky.

10. Yours Truly

We know it’s not polite to toot your own horn, as it were, but we’ve been dishing out sex advice for free on a daily basis since 1999. That’s almost fifteen years, people. In other words, longer than a lot of marriages, longer than most people stick with a job, longer than either Facebook or Twitter has been around. We don’t expect a medal (unless you have a medal, in which case we’d gladly accept one) but we thought you might like to know that someone has been there for you every day for the past fifteen years.

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