Advice from three of our guy friends. This week a straight woman asks,”I know that often a sexy attitude is sexier than a great body, but I can’t help feeling self conscious all the same. I’m 20 years old and though the general silhouette of my body is good (enough to get whistles and even car honks directed at me, which I honestly find insulting), I don’t like my body. I hate the cellulite, the stretch marks, the spider veins, wobbly bits, and moles I see in it. Would these bother a man as much as they bother me? Can a sexy attitude make them overlook those defects? How bad is too bad? Am I being paranoid?“

Gay Single Guy (Jay Dyckman): First off…wobbly bits?  Bits can be wobbly?  Who knew?  Second, there is nothing worse than someone hung up on their physical appearance.  Staying in shape is great, wearing flattering clothes is smart and staying healthy is a must.  But otherwise, here’s a simple trick to feeling better (or at least not feeling bad anymore).  Every morning look in the mirror and say – out loud – “I’ve got what I’ve got.”  That’s it.  Let it all go.  You’ve got what you got so don’t spend even a second more worrying about it.

Straight Married Guy (David Jacobs): Bad news: we care more than you do — about the visuals, that is. But you knew that. The good news? We generally care more about the total package, not so much the minor details. (Moles? Whatever. And some “wobbly bits” we quite like!) Also, we often have different ideals of beauty/booty. Quoth Sir Mix-a-lot: “So Cosmo says you’re fat/ Well I ain’t down with that…”

Straight Single Guy (Tyler Barnett): There is nothing more attractive than a confident woman. A woman who carries herself well and feels great about herself is incredibly sexy. On the flip side, it is one of the most obnoxious things to hear a beautiful woman complain about minuscule flaws and imperfections. If you see yourself in a generally negative light you will give off that image, and it doesn’t sound like that’s your goal. I would suggest looking past the image in the mirror at what’s inside and determine if your issues are really physical ones. Insecurity tends to stem from various places, most of which are not located on the outside of your body.

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Straight Married Guy is David Jacobs, a NYC-based photographer; our Gay Guy is Jay Dyckman, an LA copywriter; and our Single Straight Guy is Tyler Barnett of Tyler Barnett PR in LA. To ask the guys your own question, click here. To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “What is the connection between sports and sex with guys? For instance, why were certain World Cup teams prevented from having sex while others are given the green light? Is there a connection between testosterone and the thrill of sports?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Straight Single Guy (Tom Miller): I was probably 13 the last time I participated in a sporting event of any importance and my parents really frowned upon prepubescent sex, but I’m a huge fan of sports, so here goes. Some old school coaches and trainers maintain a Samsonian belief that a guy takes his eyes off the prize when sex is involved. Seeking any kind of edge, they think that a “backed up” athlete will play with a chip on his shoulder. There’s actually a football player who puts Tiger Balm on his junk to get angry before games. The irony is that a guy gets a jolt of testosterone after he B’s his L (ejaculates). Suffice it to say, there is a huge connection between sports and testosterone. Competition and us-vs-them, especially when “us” wins, really gets the old Adrenal gland secreting. In other words, if a guy wins, he’s going to be really in the mood to have sex.

Straight Married Guy (Matt): The notion that abstinence before a sporting event gives you an edge — whether it’s a wives’ tale or not — runs very deep. In boxing and kickboxing it’s pretty much an accepted fact, and many people abstain for 4-6 weeks before a fight. My coach claimed that the concept was “scientifically proven with racehorses,” but I never bothered to confirm this with a more reliable source. The thing is, if winning’s important to you (and never is it more important than when losing means having your head kicked in), you will do anything to get an edge. I personally felt like I had an edge when I abstained. I’m not sure if it was psychological, but I wasn’t about to test the theory and risk losing that edge, imagined or not.

In any case, sometimes it was actually a little bit nice to be in a bar and not to have to even think about hooking up. Lots of fighters talked about the fact that women seemed more attracted to them when they were abstaining. Some claimed it was pheromones or some such thing, but I think it was just the dialed-back level of desperation to hook up that made them seem more attractive and approachable.

Gay Committed Guy (Terence): I’m no “sporty spice” so my views should be taken as whimsical conjecture at best. There is indeed a connection between sports and sex with guys — particularly in gay porn, but I believe that’s another topic. In the sports world they keep a certain amount of tension between desire and abstinence which seems to promote a testosterone-driven focus which is then richly rewarded after the victory with “babes” and booze. A kinky carrot-on-a-stick approach to be sure, but call it what you will, I’m not convinced women as rewards for the victors is the right road to be going down.

Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors. Tom Miller writes the Tomfoolery blog for YourTango; Terence is an American living in Sydney; Matt is a little shy. To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: ” What’s the best way to turn down a guy who you’ve been on a date or two with, but don’t want to go on any others?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Gay Engaged Guy (Joel Derfner, author of Swish): Tell him you and your ex-boyfriend have decided to get back together.  This way you’ll get rid of him without making him feel bad about himself.

Straight Single Guy (L.A. Chris): Be honest, open, and direct, for the love of god. Girls are always afraid of hurting guys’ feelings, so instead they torture us with hints and clues. Ladies: we won’t get the message unless you come right out and say it. Don’t be subtle, don’t send signals, and don’t leave the door open a crack. You don’t have to be insulting or degrading, just be clear. What does a man say when his doctor returns with bad test results? “Just give it to me straight, doc.”

Straight Married Guy (Figleaf): The most gracious way is also maybe the most practical. You want to say some variation on “I wouldn’t have gone out with you the first time if I didn’t like you. I wouldn’t be saying no now [i.e. instead of just disappearing] if I didn’t respect you.” The point being to make it clear it you didn’t make a mistake saying yes the first time, and that not being a perfect match for you doesn’t make him a loser. That’s the gracious part.

The practical part is that men start learning as early as fairy tales that we have to be persistent, to never take no for an answer, to strive and achieve, and if we just work at it long and hard enough we’ll always “win over” the reluctant girl in the end. Letting him down with ego intact makes it less likely that he’ll try redoubling his effort to win you over. If he can walk away feeling respected he’ll be more likely to respect both you and your decision.

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Gay Engaged Guy is Joel Derfner, author of Swish, and our Straight Married Guy is Figleaf, the guy behind RealAdultSex.com. To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week a straight woman asks, “What part of their physical appearance are guys most likely to be insecure about?“

Straight Single Guy (Max): Obviously, you would expect most men to be worried about their penis, because let’s face it, it’s an ugly thing. We worry about length, girth, shape and the state of our foreskin. (I will never pretend to understand most women’s acceptance and love for the male body, but I feel blessed for every bit of affection my “temple” is shown.) But I think we should learn to play the hand we’ve been dealt with grace. (Unless of course, you choose to believe in the “magic beans” that so many emails promise you. Sorry guys, but four inches in a month has got to come with a price). Me? I’m concerned about nose hair. I’m not an old man and until I get there, I don’t want a mustache coming out of my nose. For this reason, I say that the best gift a lady can give her man is a trimmer for this very application. Put our insecurity at rest before it grows into something that frightens you as well.

Straight Married Guy (Ben): It’s funny, if you’d asked me this question ten years ago I would have definitely said dick size – how it shows (or doesn’t) in pants, in undies, swimsuits and/or unclothed. But maybe it’s solidly hitting middle age, maybe it’s the douchebagification of our entire pop culture, maybe it’s having kids and actually starting to turn into my father. Now, I’d definitely have to say my tummy / chest / arms / torso situation (note: NOT “Situation”). On the plus side, this is actually something I can do something about – unlike, say, my dick size. On the minus, though, I’m not really actually going to do anything about it. Not any time soon anyway.

Gay Single Guy (Bradford Shellhammer): If they have a small penis, then the answer is their penis. If they have a big penis they’re probably not insecure.

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Straight Married Guy is Ben, a writer and artist living in Los Angeles who runs AdultParlorGames.com; our Gay Guy is fellow SUN blogger Bradford Shellhammer, the creative director of fabulis and a New York Times featured decorator; and our Single Straight Guy, Max, is a recent college grad in New England. To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “If he masturbates more often than he has (or wants) sex with me, his wife, should I be worried?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Straight Single Guy (Mark Luczak): I realize that some of my Wise Guys answers sit firmly on the fence, so it may be no surprise that my answer is…maybe. But it really does depend on context, specifically the sex drives of the parties involved, each of which obviously can settle anywhere in the vast spectrum. For instance, if the wife’s drive is completely satisfied by the couple’s sex life, yet the husband finds his own to be significantly higher than what the shared sex provides, then self-satisfying some of the time could be one healthy way to keep everyone happy (lest the difference in drives be big enough that tension could occur if the husband might otherwise excessively pressure the wife for sex when she doesn’t fancy it).

However, if the husband is literally choosing masturbation over intercourse a majority of the time, then concern is warranted about the root of this choice — whether it’s that the mutual sex is not physically gratifying enough, or that a sheer lack of emotional desire for it, and her, has developed. In which case, communication about what’s going on should absolutely ensue.

Straight Married Guy (James Glazebrook): That depends. Are you two still having regular, rewarding sex? It may seem a strange distinction to draw, but just because he masturbates more frequently than you have sex, it doesn’t necessarily mean you aren’t getting any.

If your sexual relationship isn’t suffering, then don’t worry. Masturbation is far easier and more convenient than full-blown sex, plus he’s probably better at it. He’s been in training since his teenage years, and you don’t stop working out just because you made the team.

But if your man is no longer interested in sex at all, then you should say or do something about it. Maybe he has issues with his body, or is just plain lazy, so that the exertion involved in physical sex seems unappealing or too much effort. Why not suggest some mutual masturbation, or offer him a helping hand, to find out whether sexual contact still appeals?

If he isn’t interested in any form of two-way action, then he may be depressed, feeling lonely and isolated. It’s unlikely that he has simply stopped being attracted to you all of a sudden, and far more likely that some sort of emotional problem is putting up a barrier between the two of you. In either case, the way through it is to talk.

Gay Single Guy (Daniel): First question is: worried about what? Emotional infidelity? Sexual infidelity? That he may be gay? That he’s just lost all sexual interest in you? Be clear and identify what is your concern so you can address it head on without potentially embarrassing roundabout conversation.

If you’re worried that he’s lost sexual interest in you, I can honestly say that it is something you should be able to easily tackle by having an open and honest conversation with him about it. Be prepared. Try not to get too sensitive and instead be focused on taking steps to re-ignite the fire. Seriously, just ask, “Honey, is our sex life getting dull? And if you honestly think so, I want you to tell me, but I want us to try to work on this together.” And then surprise him with a “Show me what turns you on.” HOT!!!

Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors. This week’s Straight Married Guy is James Glazebrook of Most Likely To; our Gay Guy is one-time stripper and sex columnist Daniel; and our Straight Single Guy is Mark Luczak, a tech geek at Carnegie Mellon University. To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week a straight woman asks,”What do guys think of the ‘women come first’ expectation in bed? Embrace it? Hate it? And why?“

Gay Single Guy (Jay Dyckman): We think it’s great – especially when there are no women in bed! Kidding aside, does every woman have that expectation?  I doubt it.  I would think the expectation would be more like “This is not a one-way street and I expect to have a good time too.”  Come first, second, hell even third, it doesn’t matter so long as sex is still a fun and enjoyable experience.  Anyone who comes and goes can just keep going. Right out the door. And hopefully off a cliff.

Straight Single Guy (Tyler Barnett): I propose a new standard of expectation where not only does the woman come first, but comes second and third and fourth… A guy should be prioritized in bed too, but often times if he comes first then the girl most likely doesn’t come back! Coming together for the greater good is, of course, ideal, but that’s only achieved by the rare few with impeccable timing.

Straight Married Guy (David Felsen): When I was in college, a woman hurled abuse at me when I held a door open for her. She told me I was repressing her. Did I mention she went to Bryn Mawr? Is it fair to say then that letting a woman go or come first in bed is sexist? Of course not, I was just looking for an excuse to tell that Bryn Mawr story. I do think it is only proper for a man to let the lady go first if she so desires, however keep in mind that the moment things get started most men turn into reptiles and all bets are off.

Honorary Wise Guys (Em & Lo): Um, we just had to butt in when none of our above esteemed Wise Guys mentioned the following: Women can stay aroused for a while after an orgasm (unlike most men), which is what allows some of them to have multiple orgasms. Also, the engorgement of the entire clitoris (which extends throughout the genital region, including around the vaginal opening) that results from orgasm can often make intercourse more pleasurable for her. So for these reasons, we think “Women come first” is a good policy to embrace, at least more often than not.

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Straight Married Guy is NY writer-comedian David Felsen; our Gay Guy is Jay Dyckman, an LA copywriter; and our Single Straight Guy is Tyler Barnett of Tyler Barnett PR in LA. To ask the guys your own question, click here. To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “When it comes to the number of sexual partners a woman has had, do guys want to know? Even if they say they do, are they lying?”

Straight Single Guy (Mark Luczak): It’s the Information Age, and people in general are so conditioned to gather and dissect every morsel of information they can find, that it follows that this would apply in the bedroom as well. I suppose the number of partners someone has had can serve as somewhat of a guage of their experience, which in turn could provide a relative basis for expectations, or at least a starting point for communication about it.

But communication-wise, far more important is simply sexual health history, regardless of that conversation’s catalyst (again, number of partners could provide a guage, but one isn’t necessarily dependent on the other). Past the health factors, sure, there are going to be different degrees of curiosity about lots of things when entering into a sexual relationship with someone (likes and dislikes, sex drives, etc.). But at this point, we all have our pasts, sexual and otherwise, to decide to share or not share, and at least for me anymore, the strict
number of previous partners is fairly low on the list of need-to-know’s.
Straight Married Guy (James Glazebrook): Yes, guys want to know — as long as your number’s lower than theirs. And if you think that’s disappointingly cliche of me, wait until you hear this: I’ve been known to feel threatened by the former sexual partners of women who’ve had fewer than I have. I’ve fixated on their size, their confidence and athleticism, the fact that they persuaded my woman to do things they regretted (but I wouldn’t mind trying) — any aspect of their prowess, real or imagined.

My only defence is that when I said I wanted to hear about this stuff, I wasn’t lying — I really wanted to be okay with it. In these enlightened, post-Sex and the City times, even men believe in sexual equality — that the number of people a woman has been with is no reflection on her, or at least no more of a reflection than it is on her equally promiscuous male equivalent. But the thought of another man being with the woman I love (and it only ever mattered with women I loved) is enough to drive me mental… until I’ve been with her long enough to deal with/suppress those feelings.

It’s probably telling that while I was obsessing about my now-wife’s handful of previous partners, she was worried about my relationship experience — that I’d been in love before, while she’d never had a proper boyfriend. But whether it’s love or sex, if we never cared about this stuff, it’s probably a sign that we’ve stopped caring altogether.

Gay Single Guy (Daniel): Being a queer man, I have honestly never thought about this question, i.e. how a man is affected by the number of partners a woman he’s interested in has had. My suspicion is that it doesn’t really matter to modern men unless they are from a religious background. But frankly, as empowered women, don’t be ashamed about how many partners you’ve had. You don’t have to justify your sexual history to a man. If a man thinks you do, drop him, because neither one of you should have to justify your sexual history to the other.

Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors. This week’s Straight Married Guy is James Glazebrook of Most Likely To; our Gay Guy is one-time stripper and sex columnist Daniel; and our Straight Single Guy is Mark Luczak, a tech geek at Carnegie Mellon University. To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week a straight woman asks, “What do guys think when a woman doesn’t trim, shave or wax her pubic hair at all?“

Straight Single Guy (Max): My rule is simple: if I can get through the forest and perform certain acts without being inhibited, then I don’t care. That being said, I would much rather go down on a girl than have her go down on me (which I know is somewhat rare), so my preference is easy access. Do you ladies understand how rad it is to hear, see and feel you freaking out when we go down on you? It’s awesome. Especially when you’re completely comfortable with it. Keeping it completely bare is not necessary but I confess that when a girl is freshly waxed we can BOTH have a lot more fun.

Straight Married Guy (Ben): It sort of depends. If there’s some thought behind it, like she’s a hippy or a really old school feminist – in other words, if she’s not shaving/ waxing/ trimming on purpose – then it doesn’t really matter to me. The fact that she’s deliberately making an aesthetic choice about her pubes makes all the difference. But if she’s just being lazy or not putting in the effort, well then that actually says a lot — much more than what’s actually going on down there. Of course, realize that if you do make that choice not to do any upkeep, you’re going against what a lot of guys are hoping / expecting to find (see other Manhandled columns here and here). So if you do want to go for that “overgrown look” then I’ll give you this quick tip: popping out of the top of the underwear or bikini is way sexier than coming out of the sides. In fact, a bit of bush overflowing the top of some low cut panties can actually be pretty darn hot.

Gay Single Guy (Bradford Shellhammer): I know what gay guys would do. They would hold you down, pin back your arms, and call for back-up. Shaving it all away, I find, is weird and kinda upsetting. But everyone should trim: your eyebrows, your nose-hairs, your hair on your head, back hair, and yes, down there. Say “We’re animals and it belongs there” and I might upchuck on you. Some things in nature need to be cleaned up. Not removed. But cleaned up. Like a lawn. Letting it go is just troublesome.

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Straight Married Guy is Ben, a writer and artist living in Los Angeles who runs AdultParlorGames.com; our Gay Guy is fellow SUN blogger Bradford Shellhammer, the creative director of fabulis and a New York Times featured decorator; and our Single Straight Guy, Max, is a recent college grad in New England. To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “For guys who like to give oral sex, what’s the appeal? What differentiates them from the guys who seem to hate giving it?”

Gay Single Guy (Angelo Nikolopoulos): From all the straight men that I’ve queried over this eternal question, what seems to separate the men who like to give oral sex from those who dread it depends on one mitigating factor: good hygiene. In this regard, straight men are simple creatures really: if it looks edible and smells reasonably fresh, they’ll eat it. A straight friend once admitted to eating his own spunk, not out of pleasure or lack of a nearby gym sock, but out of common courtesy to his partner — a self-taste check, if you will. It’s pretty fair, I guess, to sample the goods before serving. Or better yet, a moral exemplar: a do-as-I-do strategy. So go ahead, brave pilgrim, and give it a whirl. The proof, after all, is in the pudding.

Straight Single Guy (L.A. Chris): It’s probably the same with girls and blowjobs — some of us love it and some of us don’t. For those of us who do, it’s a hunger to tantalize you and experience everything about you. We want to taste you and connect deeply and drive you absolutely wild, because you’ve gotten under our skin and we’re zealous to show it. I think it also has to do with the type of guy you are. Those of us who are passionate and compassionate will want to consume you, whereas someone who’s selfish and apathetic just won’t give a damn. Personally I couldn’t have a serious relationship without giving oral sex. It’s a chance to get to know you without distraction, and in a way, it’s even more intimate than intercourse.

Straight Married Guy (Figleaf): I’m going to go out on a limb and say guys who find it appealing enjoy it for the same reasons women who enjoy it like eating their partners. It involves all our senses — sight, sound, hearing, taste, touch, and scent. It’s sensual and pleasurable the same way kissing a partner’s lips and face is. We like it because we’re right there so it’s easy to tell the effect we’re having. And because we know it can feel really, really nice for our partner. Also it’s a skill and because you can always learn something new about doing it. And it’s just cool to feel present and in control while your partner’s dissolving into inarticulate quivers. In other words, as I said, it’s for the same reasons many women say they like going down on their partners.

For guys who hate it? Again I’m guessing it’s not that different for women who don’t like giving either. You feel obliged. Your partner won’t do it to you unless you do it to them. You heard somewhere you’re supposed to. You don’t like the taste, or the smell, or the feeling of someone’s private parts pushing into your face. You have bad associations with it. You think it’s undignified or unbecoming or inappropriate or exploitive. You think it’s a necessary step on the way to “the real thing” so you want to get it over with as quickly as possible. You think if either you or maybe they “were any good” you’d both be satisfied with “real” sex, i.e. intercourse. In other words, much like the same reason some women don’t want to go down on their partners.

Just as it’s nice to enjoy receiving or giving, it’s also okay not to. Not everyone likes to go down, and not everyone likes to be gone down on. Just don’t pretend.

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Gay Guy is Angelo Nikolopoulos, host of an NYC queer reading series The White Swallow, and our Straight Married Guy is Figleaf, the guy behind RealAdultSex.com. To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “What’s the number one turn-off on a first date for a guy?”
Straight Married Guy (Matt): Bad breath. That would be it for me with the first whiff — any chance of relationship: done. Most other things (obviously outside of racism/being a horrible person/etc.) are probably surmountable.

Gay Committed Guy (Terence): Just offer to chip in for the dinner, coffee, popcorn, whatever. You don’t have to mean it. You can even be broke. Just treat it as a gesture of courtesy. I swear, I’ll judge you more on this than anything else. Who cares who asked who out? A courtesy offer to pay for something, however small, at some point during the date shows what level of consideration you’ll show in other areas of the relationship — not that I’ve dated recently, of course.

Straight Single Guy (Colin Adamo): If you don’t keep an open mind for at least this first date, we probably won’t ask for a second. It’s our fault if we’re the boring ones who don’t ask you to try something new or be a bit spontaneous (and if that’s the case than you should probably ditch us). But if we’re excited to try something, your enthusiasm should match. I don’t mean that you actually have to do anything truly adventurous on the first date; you just have to let us think that you might be open to things in the future. If you’re up for trying a weird dish on the menu, then we’re going to think that next time you might be up for skinny dipping in a pool that we pass, or maybe skydiving one day or even having a threesome with us way down the line. We’ll keep coming back for more to see if you’re still ready for excitement. But if we get the vibe that you’re never up for anything new or exciting we won’t stick around for the snoozefest to come. Keep your mystery about you and don’t tell us everything, but let it be known that everything and anything could happen.

Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors. Colin Adamo is an undergrad at Yale University where he directs the biennial Sex Week at Yale; Terence is an American living in Sydney; Matt is a little shy. To ask the guys your own question, click here.