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Wise Guys: What Turns a Hook-Up Into a Girlfriend?

November 27, 2012

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Advice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: “What turns a hook-up into a girlfriend?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Gay Married Guy (Jon Ross): Intimacy and laughter are what turn a hook-up into a lasting relationship. Continued intimacy and laughter will then lead to marriage — at least, in my experience. Hot hook-ups when I was single were great and all, but if the guy bored me, or if there was little connection outside the bedroom, there was no chance I was about to be picking out curtains at Ikea with him. Of course, guys are weird and sometimes a man just isn’t looking for a boyfriend or girlfriend. So even if he’s busting his gut and a nut every time you’re together, he just might not be ready. Ask, and move on if that’s what you’re looking for.

Straight Married Guy (David Jacobs): A baby!

 

 

 

 

Straight Single Guy (Adam): I can’t speak for everyone else, but for me, a hook-up turns into someone I want to have as my girlfriend when I don’t just want to hook up with her. If I spend all my time thinking about all the things I want to do with my hook-up other than hooking up, then that’s a telltale sign she’s not just a hook-up.

As for whether a hook-up has, in fact, transformed into an actual girlfriend, I think that’s something that can only happen after we’ve both had a conversation about it. It would probably be one-sided and go something like this: “Hey remember when I was treating you like a piece of meat? Yeah, so I’m all done with that, and I’d really like to take it to the next level. I realize I didn’t treat you with a lot of respect before, but I’m totally ready to buy you flowers and kiss puppy dogs with you and all that shit. What do you say? … Hey, where are you going?”

RELATED ARTICLES ON EMandLO.com:

Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors. This week’s Straight Married Guy is David Jacobs, a NYC-based photographer; our Gay Married Guy is Jon Ross, who works for a network news program and lives in Brooklyn with his husband and two dogs; and our Straight Single Guy is Adam, a lawyer and native Floridian in his early thirties. To ask the guys your own question, click here.



Wise Guys: Can Men Handle the Fact of Female Bodily Functions?

November 20, 2012

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photo via Flickr

Advice from three of EM & LO‘s guy friends. This week a straight woman asks, “Can straight men really not handle the fact that women fart, poop, menstruate, etc? Are women really supposed to hide these things/not talk about them with their partner?”

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Straight Single Guy (Tyler Barnett): The problem with this question is how it is worded. It IS a fact that women have the same gross bodily functions that men have. It is also a fact that we pretend not to know about the first fact. We pretend not to know for the same reason you pretend like we are the ones making you hold in your farts. “But men fart all the time, it’s not fair!” you say. “Men poop and often joke about it! That’s disgusting, why should I have to pretend like I don’t have an asshole!” Well, for starters, you are right. It’s not fair, and yes, it is a double standard. But in this case, it’s a self inflicted double standard. Women conceal their bodily functions from each other, too. You don’t fart loudly and proudly in front of each other like we do, and you certainly don’t discuss your poop as frequently. You don’t think farts are even funny, which I can;t even begin to understand. We think they are hysterical! So this isn’t an issue about straight men not being able to handle it, we certainly can. But can you?

Straight Married Guy (James Glazebrook): This is an issue that separates the men from the boys. While enjoying farting is a childish pursuit we never quite grow out of, being able to enjoy – or at least tolerate – the farts of the fairer sex is something only a real man can do. Squeamishness about a partner’s bodily functions is simply a symptom of Commitmentphobia. Unless the woman’s *really* gassy, the only thing scary about her farts is that they indicate a relationship moving to the next level. If she feels comfortable enough to give as good as she gets, then you’re in a sweet – if not sweet-smelling – spot. Here, equality is vital: if you fart in front of your woman, she may do so in front of you; likewise pissing. My wife and I have drawn the line at “sharing” our poos, mainly because of a weird hang-up on my part. She assures me that she doesn’t care – after all, she has to hear my poos, and smell them afterwards, so the only thing I’m sparing her is the visual of my face straining as I squeeze them out. But I fear that this is the last taboo – that once we cross the line into shared shitting, we’ll never be able to come back, and we may never find each other attractive again. Irrational, maybe, but some things are just too disgusting to share.

Gay Single Guy (Daniel): How men handle the matter of women’s biological realities really depends on the man and how much “reality” plays into his idea of sexually attractive, and I suspect, how he views women in totality. In other words, if a man can’t handle the fact a woman farts, poops, menstruates or even shaves their body hair, what kind of distorted view of women is he clinging to? One where the orifices of women are only for their sexual enjoyment? It sounds ridiculous because it is. On the opposite side of this coin, there are plenty of women–and gay men for that matter–who are totally okay going on and hiding the farting and nose picking et al away from her/his significant others. And that’s probably as a result of their own sense of decorum, but the bottom line is that some straight men don’t care, and others are idiots.

MORE FROM EMandLO.com:

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Straight Married Guy is James Glazebrook, a British writer/illustrator working in Berlin with his photographer wife on their cool blog, Überlin; our Gay Guy is Daniel, a one-time stripper and sex columnist; and our Single Straight Guy is Tyler Barnett of Tyler Barnett PR in LA. To ask the guys your own question, click here.



Wise Guys: What Men Wish They’d Known When They Were Younger

November 13, 2012

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Advice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: “What do you wish you had known about sex when you were younger?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.

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anonymous_suitStraight Married Guy (Figleaf): Wow. There are probably hundreds of things I wish I’d known about sex when I was younger but the number one-with-a-bullet thing I wish I’d known when I was younger is that, contrary to the Santa Clause maxim, it’s actually as good to receive as it is to give. Really. No kidding!

I grew up in the “she comes first” era which, while certainly an improvement of the earlier “she comes?” era, still had a big element of putting women on pedestals and treating them like dainty, passive, recipients rather than participants in sex. I remember being really, literally shocked out of the mood when one partner pushed my knees apart, popped me into her mouth, then popped back up a moment later with this huge grin and said, “Oh, I just love doing this.”

At the time it simply hadn’t occurred to me that she might enjoy making me moan as much as I enjoyed doing the same for her.

Anyway, that’s the lesson: if you’re used to only giving, or only receiving, you’re missing half the fun.

daniel_100Gay Single Guy (Daniel): Truth be told, I have always had a very liberal attitude about sex. What I wish people would stop perpetuating about sex is that there is shame in it. For example, why do we let kids ridicule masturbation and feel ill at ease about it? What’s that nonsense about?

mark_luczak_100Straight Married Guy (Mark Luczak): Gosh darnit, how to get more of it, or any at all! But seriously, I was raised in a pretty conservative household and school environment, so a lot of the early intel and guidance my parents and teachers imparted to me was the stereotypical old-school, one-Right-Way-to-do-things-or-else talking points (I won’t say the A-word, but…yeah). I guess I do wish I had been privy to a much more well-rounded variety of points of view. I like to think that even my much younger self was mature enough to process it all with an open-mind, yet still make thoughtful, safe, and responsible decisions.

RELATED ARTICLES FROM EMandLO.com:

Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors. This week’s Gay Guy is one-time stripper and sex columnist Daniel; our (Newly-Wed) Straight Married Guy is Mark Luczak, a tech geek at Carnegie Mellon University; and our (Long-Time-Wed) Straight Married Guy is Figleaf, the guy behind RealAdultSex.com.To ask the guys your own question, click here.



Wise Guys: When Is a Good Time to Meet the Parents?

November 6, 2012

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Advice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: When is a good time to meet the parents and when is too soon?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.

anonymous_suitStraight Single Guy (Max): The only thing that I know is that meeting the parents has got to be planned and discussed ahead of time. The only time that I’ve ever felt it was “too soon” was when I didn’t know that I was about to meet the parents. God, that was an awkward walk of shame. Otherwise, I think that it’s a nice thing to get out of the way. What if you date someone for months and months only to find that your parents don’t like them? That would be a bummer. It’s best to introduce everyone and start working on forming a solid relationship, even if it has to be an awkward one.

wiseguy_benStraight Married Guy (Ben)Five months. Anytime before that is too soon, even if they’re just breezing in and out of town. And if you haven’t met them by the one-year-mark, the relationship really isn’t going anywhere.

 

Gay Single Guy (Justin Huang): You should definitely meet the parents before you move in together, just out of respect. Other than that, it’s really case-by-case. Just don’t overthink it. Some parents are really chill and you’ll just be another trick to them. Of course, if he or she makes a big deal out of it and makes you rent a tux, maybe it’s a good time to reconfirm that both of you are on the same page in your relationship.

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Straight Married Guy is Ben, a writer and artist living in Los Angeles who runs AdultParlorGames.com; our Gay Guy is Justin Huang, an LA-based freelance film editor, producer, certified personal trainer and the voice of IAmYellowPeril.com; and our Single Straight Guy, Max, is a recent college grad in New York City. To ask the guys your own question, click here.



Wise Guys: What Makes Someone Approachable?

October 30, 2012

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photo via Flickr

Advice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: “If we’re talking about guys making a move on a stranger, what makes someone approachable?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Married Bisexual Guy (Bryan Sebeck): As somebody who’s spent a decent amount of time giving advice to guys who want to go out and meet people romantically, I can tell you that it’s quite simple. Guys will look for any number of things that all tie back to one central question: “How likely is it that they’re going to shoot me down?” It’s a big risk that a guy is taking by approaching someone that he doesn’t know and so I always tell guys to look for signs that they’re into you, or at least open to talking.

If there’s one thing for you to take away from this, it’s to look like you’re having a good time. No guy is ever going to approach somebody who looks like they’re having a bad time unless he lost a bet or Mystery is around the corner giving him challenges. This is as simple as laughing, smiling, and talking to the people you’re with, but it makes all of the difference. From there, you just make it known that you want him to approach you.

In the “pickup” industry, they call these Indicators of Interest. They work like a charm. Make eye contact when nobody else in your group is looking his way. Keep the eye contact for a few seconds before looking away, repeat. If you’re in a crowded bar, brush lightly against him as you walk past. He’ll notice you, and probably think it’s a complete coincidence. Just remember that guys are horrible at picking up subtle signals and need a little bit more guidance than you think they ought to. When in doubt just ask yourself what you can do to make it clear that he’s not likely to get shut down. With just a little practice, you should be able to have him approaching you in no time.

Single Straight Guy (Nick): There are a lot of things that are fairly universal in this area: smiling, laughing, being energetic, talking to other people who are around, making eye contact. Most dating and courtship studies show that men will typically only approach a woman if there is a moment where the two make lingering eye contact. On the other side of that, when men DO approach a woman when no eye contact has been made, or if the eye contact is fleeting, he will usually be shot down.
If there is a specific guy that you want to approach you, let him catch you looking. When he does catch you looking, don’t look away, allow your eyes to lock for a moment. Chances are he’ll come over and say hi.

Single Bisexual Guy (Jack): Having been hit on myself, I have heard a lot of crazy lines from being asked my sign, to if I was psychic, to a rather inept description of someone’s endowment (that was supposed to be some sort of lure). In every case, though, I’d say I was open and willing to talk to people, and that’s the only thing I can think that made me approachable.

 

RELATED LINKS ON EMandLO.com:

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Married Bisexual Guy is Bryan Sebeck, a newlywed engineer and artist working in Detroit, MI who blogs at A Yooper Steampunk; our Single Bisexual Guy is Jack, a software consultant based in Phoenix, Arizona who blogs at Facets of Our Lives;; and our Single Straight Guy is  Nick German, a network technician based in Minnesota. To ask the guys your own question, click here.


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Wise Guys: Best Halloween Costume You’ve Ever Seen a Woman Wear?

October 23, 2012

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photo via Flickr

Advice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: “What’s the best Halloween costume you’ve ever seen a woman wear?”

chris_diclericoStraight Single Guy (Chris): I once saw a nerdy Lisa Loeb-looking girl dressed in a full R2-D2 costume. It was elaborately constructed, included a drink holder, a bench to sit down, electronic beeping noises, and a glory hole. A GLORY HOLE. Absolutely amazingly nerd-sexy.

Gay Single Guy (Angelo Nikolopoulos of The White Swallow):   By far, little Edie (aka Edith Bouvier Beale from Grey Gardens), complete with a sweater-wig, gold brooch, and crazy eyes. Which is to say, no straight man will go near you. BUT: all the gays will lose it over you on 7th avenue (so recluse chic!).

Straight Committed Guy (Johnny): Slutty Dorothy! On second thought, Slutty Native American! No, Slutty Tinkerbell! Actually, Slutty Zombie!

Anything sexually provocative. Let your freak flag fly. Wear something you never normally would. Be scandalous. Leave your gender politics at home. Make your guy take it off too! Anyone who judges you on Halloween is a cranky old frump.

See our HALLOWEEN ISSUE for more spooky, sexy fun!

Ask the Wise Guys
Your Own Question!

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Gay Guy is Angelo Nikolopoulos, host of an NYC queer reading series The White Swallow; Straight Single Guy is blogger Chris DiClerico; and our Straight Committed Guy is regular EMandLO.com commenter, Johnny. To ask the guys your own question, click here.




Wise Guys: Can Long-Distance Relationships Ever Work?

October 16, 2012

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Advice from Ask the Wise Guys
Your Own Question!
three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: Can long-distance relationships ever work? If so, how, and for how long?

Single Straight Guy (Colin Adamo of Hooking Up & Staying Hooked): Some people like the structured aspect of a relationship: getting off from work, heading home, cooking dinner, and talking to their sweetheart to find out what s/he did today. And this can all be achieved with distance. For some people, this isn’t boring at all. It’s like the missionary position of relationships — many of us would sigh at its boredom, but for some couples it really does the trick. If you need a few more metaphorical positions in your romantic interactions, this set up just isn’t sustainable. If you know it’s going to be less than a year or that you can commute back and forth every other weekend, you can probably bring enough energy to the relationship to make it last. Otherwise you might need to switch positions (with other people).

Married Straight Guy (Irad Eyal of Sexdegrees.net): Long-distance relationships work in the same way that a stopped clock is right two times a day — if your relationship is destined to last 60 days, but you only see each other one weekend a month, you’re looking at a two-and-a-half year affair. The good news is you’re in a perpetual honeymoon phase! But if you conclude that a strong relationship would ipso facto last thousands of years in long-distance mode, you’re good at math, but you’re also wrong. The danger comes at the point when a relationship with potential gets stymied by its own slow smolder. It’s a fire starved for fuel— if it can’t progress, it will die a slow, painful death. Like this mixed metaphor.

terence_100Committed Gay Guy (Terence): I’ve been with my beau for 13 years, six months and 10 days as of today. I’m the one who celebrates the sixth month mark. He doesn’t have a clue. We spent years 3, 4, 5, and 6 on completely different continents — as you do when America’s homophobic immigration policies won’t let your Australian lover stay in the country or marry you because your relationship is not as real, dignified or deserving as your heterosexual counterparts — who, I might add, can order a bride online from some far off place and live happily ever after in the good ‘ol US of A.

But I digress. The don’t say absence makes the heart grow fonder to be cute. It’s too painful to be cute. But absence does ratchet up the romance and desire exponentially. Think of the reunions. Oh my!

But alas, if the foundation of your relationship ain’t rock solid, and solid for like at least a couple years, then I think you got a whole heap of struggles to make it worth. But if you are solid and have a strong faith in each other mixed with a bit of flexibility, then all you need is a bit of cash for those visits.

RELATED ARTICLES FROM EMandLO.com:

Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors. Irad Eyal is a writer, TV producer, and founder of celebrity gossip site Sexdegrees.netColin Adamo is a recent Yale grad and author/blogger behind Hooking Up & Staying Hooked, the only sex and relationships resource specifically for high school guys; and Terence is an American living in Sydney. To ask the guys your own question, click here.



Wise Guys: Is the Way to a Man’s Heart Really Through His Stomach?

October 9, 2012

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photo by Julie via WikiCommons

Advice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: “Is the way to a man’s heart through his stomach? And if not, what’s the way?”

Married Bisexual Guy (Bryan Sebeck): In a word, yes.  Several peer-reviewed scientific studies have shown that men are most attracted to scents that are both simple and food-related.  Dr. Alan Hirsch, MD from The Smell & Taste Treatment and Research Foundation has done over 25 years of study on the subject and found that you’re far better off to smell like a box of Hot Tamales or a Tim Horton’s doughnut than you are flowers or other perfumes.Ask the Wise Guys
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Now, I’m not advocating that you go out and rub down with some chocolate chip cookies.  Unless, that is, you’re into bringing food into bed.  In which case, more power to you.  What I am saying is that most men are in far better moods, feel better about themselves, and are generally more pleasant to be around when they’re fed well.  If you really want to impress a guy, learn how to cook one dish perfectly.  Invite him over for dinner, get him to help you out by chopping vegetables or something similar, and I can promise that you can take him back to your bedroom for a very special dessert.

Single Bisexual Guy (Jack): I think it’s not so much about food as about the effort behind it. While I generally enjoy when partners have cooked for me, I have usually not enjoyed *what* they cooked for me. More often than not, I take over cooking duties because I am a good cook, and again, the effort is appreciated. Everyone likes to have their partner make a special effort for them, and if you’re good at food, it certainly isn’t a bad thing. But if you’re not good at food, it can be folding laundry, putting away dishes, or keeping in mind what his interests are and supporting them. I think the way to anyone’s heart – man or woman – is showing that you are part of the team, and you are really thinking about what things matter to the other person, large or small.

Single Straight Guy (Saad): Through the stomach is definitely one way to a man’s heart. And if you venture that way, you’re pretty sure to find there’s a solid concrete highway already in place – laid there by his mother, father, or grandmother, whoever cooked the meals he cherished in his childhood. You could still try to win a guy over with your cooking, just don’t make the same dishes that he enjoys when he goes home to his family. You can’t win that competition. Having said that, the kitchen is definitely a good place for couples to bond. If you can cook together — he chops, you stir — it doesn’t matter much how the food tastes afterward as long as it’s edible. Keep things low-key and enjoy the time together.

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Married Bisexual Guy is Bryan Sebeck, a newlywed engineer and artist working in Detroit, MI who blogs at A Yooper Steampunk; our Single Bisexual Guy is Jack, a software consultant based in Phoenix, Arizona who blogs at Facets of Our Lives;; and our Single Straight Guy is  Saad Hasan, who works on nanotechnology with a team in Pennsylvania. To ask the guys your own question, click here.



Wise Guys: Are Men Romantic Or Do They Just Fake It?

October 2, 2012

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photo via Flickr

Advice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: “Are most men romantics, or is romance something guys simply do to keep their partner happy?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Single Straight Guy (Scott Phrenetik): I think the majority of men are not inherently romantic. But, is it really that bad if they do it to keep their partner happy? If it’s sincere, then it shouldn’t matter if it’s a core characteristic or not. Now, those of us who are romantic are going to be way better at it than those who aren’t, because it’s part of our personality, but that only means it’s better for the woman we’re romancing. Don’t discount a guy just because he’s not a romantic at heart. He’s still doing it for you.

Married Straight Guy (Ben D.): I don’t think that most guys are romantics. It’s not that we don’t love our wife/girlfriend, it’s just something we don’t think about. I’ve always thought that things like flowers and jewelry are fluff. I think the best way to be romantic is to be a good partner, do the dishes, laundry, pick up after yourself, change the baby, take the kids out when she’s tired so can take a nap. Maybe one of the most romantic things you can do is take the kid(s) for the afternoon and get her a massage.

Single Gay Guy (Abraham Zeus Zapata): Of course most men are romantic! What, using spit as lube isn’t romantic? Someone hasn’t seen Brokeback Mountain. Romance is, in its essence, excitement and mystery shown to someone you love. While most guys are apprehensive to be overtly romantic (my reason: usually out of fear of doing something wrong), if you look for the little moments of excitement and affection, you’ll see that guys are more romantic than you’d assume.

 

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Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Single Gay Guy is Abraham Zeus Zapata, an actor, writer and artist living in the Houston area; our Single Straight Guy is Scott Phrenetik, who moonlights as a DJ in Dallas; and our Married Straight Guy is Ben D., a former professional fighter who would now much rather spend time with his wife and baby son than get punched in the face by a sweaty man. To ask the guys your own question, click here.



Wise Guys: How Do Most Men Define “Sex”?

September 25, 2012

3 Comments

photo by Ad Meskens

Advice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: How do you define what constitutes sex? Ask the Wise Guys
Your Own Question!
Is it penetration (with anything or just a penis)? Oral attention? Mutual orgasms? Mutual naked pleasure? etc.


Gay Single Guy (Angelo Nikolopoulos of The White Swallow):  After being single for ____ months, lighting a scented candle before touching myself, as far as I’m concerned, qualifies as sex. So, clearly, you’re asking the wrong gay. But in more prosperous times, anything that exposed me to the illogical possibility of contracting an STI qualified as sex. Call me a thrill-seeker if you want, but if there’s no potential for a rash or sore, then I’m not interested.

chris_diclericoStraight Single Guy (Chris): I’m not sure my opinion on this represents the majority of people I know, but I actually think sex is a penis inside a vagina. It seems to me that other sex acts are far less serious and consequential, so can be taking more casually. Since sex-sex can involve more serious diseases, pregnancy potential, etc, its feels, for me, to require more trust, intimacy and meaning. I think guys generally classify sex as intercourse, maybe including anal. It seems that we say, “I just got a blowjob in the bathroom” vs. “We just fucked in the bathroom” — they actually do mean different things. I’m pretty sure I’m in the minority on this.

Straight Committed Guy (Johnny): First of all, it has to say “sex” in the proper name for it. So, “oral sex,” “vaginal sex,” “anal sex,” etc. Nobody says “manual sex” – hand jobs don’t qualify. Second, anything “sex” must involve the potential internal exchange of sexual fluid. Oral counts – sexual fluid from one partner can get in the mouth of the other. Vaginal sex counts – fluid both ways. Buttsex – well, you get it. Again, manual stimulation doesn’t qualify. A little bit of fluid on your hand doesn’t count. Phone “sex” is a misnomer – that’s immaculate dirty talk.

Some people count almost anything potentially arousing as sex, including kissing. Really? In that case I lost my virginity in 7th grade during the three minutes between social studies and math. That would also mean I’ve had sex in front of many of my friends and family. It would mean the bride and groom screw right in front of everyone after saying “I do.”  Remember that creepy Al and Tipper Gore kiss? So much worse now that you know that was sex! If I merely kissed a date good-night, but claimed to have gotten laid, wouldn’t that be a lie?

See what I mean? Not everything is sex. Gotta draw the line somewhere.

[Em & Lo Note: We use the term "manual sex" all the time! And we think it counts.]

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Gay Guy is Angelo Nikolopoulos, host of an NYC queer reading series The White Swallow; Straight Single Guy is blogger Chris DiClerico; and our Straight Committed Guy is regular EMandLO.com commenter, Johnny. To ask the guys your own question, click here.