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Wise Guys: Is It Really Such a Big Deal If I Hate Giving Blowjobs?

June 24, 2014


Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “I really hate going down on guys. I’ve tried it, I don’t like it. In fact, I loathe it. I feel bad about it, but if I don’t expect oral in return (I don’t), then why should I feel compelled to do something I don’t enjoy?”

Straight Single Guy (Colin): Really there is no guy that should expect oral. It’s totally up to you what you feel comfortable with sexually and we’ll enjoy what you want to do. If you see it as a tit-for-tat deal and you’re not asking for anything, then you’re right, you shouldn’t feel compelled to return a favor you’re not receiving. As long as you’re upfront with your feelings on oral, then everything is okay. My only thought is that for the people we really care about, sometimes we do things we don’t necessarily enjoy just to make them feel good, to make them feel sexy, to make them feel special — and sometimes just to get them off. I don’t think you should feel obligated to be going downtown all the time like you’re Petula Clark or something, but don’t hurry to rule it out for good. It can be something special you pull out of your sexual toolkit only for true knights in shining armor.

Straight Married Guy (Matt): This is a tough one. I’d say it’s a very rare guy who isn’t going to want at least the occasional blowjob. I’ve actually never met one of these mythical creatures. Even if they do exist, how would you go about finding one? A personal ad title like “Must NOT Want Blowjobs” would probably result in crickets chirping in your empty inbox. So that leaves you with waiting until you’re at the point of discussing sexual details with a prospective partner to bring the topic up. Most guys aren’t going to be thrilled with your take on the matter, but sooner or later, maybe you’ll find a guy who doesn’t think blowjobs are all that great. But wouldn’t giving the occasional (special occasion) blowjob be a little easier than banking on these super longshot odds? I think so, but then I’m a guy. And like pretty much all guys, I’d seriously consider giving up food, water and shelter before blowjobs.

Gay Engaged Guy (Joel Derfner, author of Swish): If you don’t like going down on guys, there’s absolutely no reason you should feel compelled to do so.  However, there’s also absolutely no reason a guy should feel compelled to keep dating you if you won’t go down on him.  You just have to find somebody who gets his kicks in other ways. The pool will be much smaller, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t, um, fish to be had.

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Gay Engaged Guy is Joel Derfner, author of Swish. To ask the guys your own question, click here.



Why Do Men Masturbate When They’re Having Regular Sex?

June 18, 2014


photo via flickr

Wise Guys is a regular column offering advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: Why do men masturbate in relationships, even when the sex is good and regular?”

Straight Married Guy (Ben): Every guy has a regular masturbation frequency (RMF) that is more or less unchangeable (though over the long-term, factors which usually have nothing to do with sex — like age or stress — can influence it). Take however many orgasms a guy’s already having with his partner and multiply it by his RMF — that’s how much a guy will masturbate. For example, a friend tells you his RMF is 1.3, so if he’s had a total of 3 orgasms with his partner in the past week, you multiply that by 1.3 to get the number of times he’ll want to masturbate that week (about 4). Now, some guys are high (RMF=2 or more) and others are low (RMF=1 or less!). But even if he has a really low RMF, like .25, that still means he’ll want to masturbate once after he’s had sex five times with his partner that week. So don’t focus on whether or not he’s masturbating: it’s a given. Instead, engage him on what he’s doing while he’s masturbating — what he’s looking at, or imagining, or fantasizing about. That’s where you’ll learn about your guy.

Gay Committed Guy (Mark): Perhaps the most obvious answer would be “Why shouldn’t they?” (As long as it’s not interfering with the sex — “Sorry, honey, I’ve already come three times today.”)  No, wait, the most obvious answer is, “Because they’re men.”  I’m sure, when it’s all over with, that people don’t look back on their lives, regardless of gender, and wish they’d had fewer orgasms.  Also, if it’s meant to be a monogamous relationship, better he should have the extra fun with himself than with some third (or fourth, etc.) party(-ies).

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Wise Guys: My Girlfriend Says Porn Is a Dealbreaker, Is She Right?

June 10, 2014


photo via flickr

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “What do you do if your girlfriend, whom you love very much, doesn’t understand why you like and watch porn occasionally: she’s intellectually and viscerally opposed to it, thinks it is a horrible industry that exploits people and perpetuates sexism and misogyny, and has suggested to me that it might be a deal breaker?”

Straight Single Guy (L.A. Chris): Well she has a point, but she doesn’t fully understand men if she makes that a deal breaker. (Good luck finding a man who doesn’t like porn; it’s hard enough to find one that doesn’t like sports!) Some porn is perfectly healthy, and if a guy can’t explain that convincingly, or is too afraid to put his foot down, then he should throw in the towel and throw away his stash. That’s not to say he can’t dabble now and again, but he should stay away from the Brazilian fart porn and Japanese girls exchanging bodily fluids just in case.

Straight Married Guy (Fred): Keep it a secret from her!  Okay, you could try to explain that it has nothing to do with her, that she’s not in any competition with it, that it’s a normal and unavoidable part of being a guy, and that she’ll never find any guy who doesn’t look at porn from time to time… or you could just make it a private thing.  Don’t talk about it and definitely don’t let her see any signs of it.  Ignorance is bliss. If you’re feeling lucky, you could also point out her relationship with shoes (or women’s magazines, or whatever) and say that you’re viscerally opposed to it, think it is a horrible industry that exploits people and perpetuates sexism and misogyny, and suggest that it might be a deal breaker.

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Wise Guys: What If Her Libido Is Bigger Than His?

April 16, 2014


photo via Flickr

Advice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: “What would most guys think about dating a woman whose sex drive was higher than his? Would it be awesome? Annoying? Lead to insecurities? Make you think less (or more) of her? All of the above?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.

mark_luczak_100Straight Single Guy (Mark Luczak): Not possible, right? (What sex drive is higher than wanting it all the time?) Actually, as awesome as this sounds at first glance for the stereotypical hornball guy, in reality any dissonance in sex drive can be challenging on many levels (I’ve been on both sides of it to at least some degree). Feeling attractive and desired is unquestionably wonderful, but if someone simply happens to be in the mood less frequently, it can be uncomfortable for all involved. In the gender roles here, the guy might feel that he’s perpetually disappointing, while the girl might easily start to feel insecure emotionally and physically over why every opportunity isn’t taken.

With a strong enough couple and commitment, though, a variance in sex drive is hardly insurmountable. Communication and genuine willing flexibility can certainly overcome the challenges and leave everyone more than fulfilled.

daniel_100Gay Single Guy (Daniel): Most guys would probably love it if the woman they were dating had a high sex drive. I mean, isn’t that part of the fantasy of women in porn? A hyper-sexualized woman? I think it would only lead to insecurity if the man himself were insecure.


Straight Married Guy (David Felsen):

A) First of all, that’s just impossible. No. Wait. There was this South African woman who nearly broke me. Serves me right for dating a rolfer. I still get panic attacks whenever I hear a voo voo zela.

B) Trust me, there’s nothing “awesome” about a dislocated sacrum, a desiccated scrotum, and a deviated vas deferens. If you see a guy hunched sideways at a urinal or a tree holding a right angle and two golden raisins, it’s me. And yes, it’s “annoying.” I can’t say her libido “lead to insecurities,” as that started when my sister told me I was adopted.

C) “Think less of her?” I wouldn’t dare. I hope she’s found another guy to love…to death.

D) “All of the above.”

Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors. This week’s Straight Married Guy is NY writer-comedian David Felsen; our Gay Guy is one-time stripper and sex columnist Daniel; and our Straight Single Guy is Mark Luczak, a tech geek at Carnegie Mellon University. To ask the guys your own question, click here.



Wise Guys: What’s a Good Present for a Man?

December 17, 2013

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photo by mysza

Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “What’s a good holiday present for 1) a guy you’ve just started dating (sleeping with), 2) a guy you’ve been exclusive with for a year or so, 3) a husband?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Straight Single Guy (Tom Miller): Christmas (or Hannukah) gifts are a tricky subject. Most guys catch a touch of agita about gift-giving for two reasons: 1) a great gift from you may mean that things are going a little too fast for him; and 2) he’ll feel like a real yutz if you dramatically out-spend him.

The best advice I can give is to give a gift that shows how well you know him. If you’re newly dating (or just boning), something small does the trick. Think, a shirt that you think would look great on him or some piece of media (book, music, movie, game) that you would enjoy together. Two years gets a little tricky; the big challenge is finding something that shows how well you know him. Does he love the Red Hot Chili Peppers? Get him tickets. A gadget is a great gift at this point too.

When you’re married, you presumably share finances, so you have to be a little careful with extravagance. Give him an experience. A rafting trip, a scuba-diving class or a trip to somewhere he’s always wanted to go. A book of very specific coupons is always a great gift, especially if they’re sexy OR get-out-of-chore in nature.

anonymous_suitStraight Married Guy (Fred): 1) gadgets in the $40 range, e.g. cordless screwdriver, video game, iTunes gift card, BluRay of favorite movie, remote-control toy helicopter. Or a hand-made coupon for one blowjob.

2) Gadgets in the $60 range, e.g. power drill, any power tool, video game, BluRay of favorite movie, concert/sports tickets, noise-cancelling headphones. Or a hand-made coupon for one blowjob.

3) Gadgets in the $100 range (or higher), e.g. DeWalt power drill, any power tool, BluRay player (get the same brand as his other equipment, Panasonic and Sony are good bets), Playstation portable PSP, iPad, Kindle, good knives (if he likes to cook), slippers (I love slippers). Or a hand-made coupon for one blowjob.

terence_100Gay Committed Guy (Terence): 1) An all-day sex Sunday. 2) A threesome. 3) A call girl. Okay, just kidding. I’d get a new boyfriend tix to whatever sporting event he digs and is on at that time of year. After a year I’d get him some kind of adventure ticket (skydiving, bungee, hang-gilding etc). And for the husband, I’d book a hotel for the weekend, send him for a massage and then stay in bed (breakfast-sex-lunch-sex-dinner, etc.)

Click here to see what a different group of Wise Guys recommended last year as great gifts for men.


Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors. Tom Miller writes the Tomfoolery blog for YourTango; Terence is an American living in Sydney; Matt is a little shy. To ask the guys your own question, click here.

We’re Looking for a Few Good Wise Guys

November 14, 2013


The Wise Guys are coming back! But we have a few openings that need filling. (That didn’t come out quite right.) Are you a guy? Do you have something to say about the male experience and perspective when it comes to love and sex? Do you want fame and adoration without the complications of payment? Well, we want you! Straight, gay, single, married, divorced, male-identifying (with or without a penis) — if you’re interested, WRITE TO US HERE (choose “Interview Me!” from the drop down) with a short bio, links to your existence, and why you’d like to be a Wise Guy. An online presence, good grammar, and a wicked sense of humor are all pluses (if not musts).


The Best Halloween Costume (Baby Or Otherwise) We Saw This Year

October 31, 2013


Mark Luczak is one of our favorite Wise Guys (everyday men who have given us the male perspective on love and sex issues since we began this blog back in 2009). As a Straight Single Wise Guy, Mark always responded to our advice questions — indeed every email we ever sent — with enthusiasm and humor.

We took a break from Wise Guys this past year and in that time Mark has become not only a Married Wise Guys, but a Daddy Wise Guy too! To let us know, he sent us the above picture of his new family — which also just happens to include THE best costume we’ve seen this year. Baby Dick in a Box? Genius!

We knew we missed our Wise Guys, but we didn’t realize how much until we got this holiday family photo. And so we’re bringing them all back (assuming they’ll have us)! Stay tuned for brand new answers to your pressing love and sex questions from our good old Wise Guys soon!

In the meantime, Happy Halloween!

What Do You Want to Ask Our Wise Guys?

August 13, 2013


Regular visitors to this site might have noticed that it’s been a while since we posted a new installment of our Wise Guys column — this is the feature in which men from various relationship types/sexuality answer your burning questions. Well, these wise male buddies of ours are raring to go and ready to answer your nosy questions. So… what do you want to know about the male mind?

Bear in mind that not all our Wise Guys are chronic over-sharers, which means they’re much more likely to answer a question about men in general than their own sexual secrets in particular. You can browse the archives here to see what sort of questions they’ve answered in the past.

Post your suggested question in the comments section below, or send it to us anonymously via our contact form here. We have a lot of Wise Guys willing to answer a lot of questions, so the odds are excellent that your question will be answered!

And no, you can’t ask for their phone numbers.


Wise Guys: How to Make Fireworks in the Bedroom

July 3, 2013


photo by foxypar4

Advice from three of EM & LO‘s guy friends. This week a straight woman asks, “Seeing as it’s Independence Day this week, what’s your number 1 tip for making fireworks in the bedroom?”

Straight Single Guy (Tyler Barnett): Pop champagne! Sex is all about letting go of inhibitions and nothing helps you tap into those deep, dark dirty desires like a bit of bubbly. Put your finger where? Lick my what? Call me who? Booze has been called social lube for centuries, and that stays true straight into the bedroom…or kitchen…or your neighbors’ garage. So celebrate your independence by tapping into a bottle of bubbly and let your crazy ass fantasies come to life. God bless America.

Straight Married Guy (James Glazebrook): Sex. It might seem like a foregone conclusion to you swinging singles or young lovers, but to married couples sex is the exception rather than the rule. While that sounds depressing, the lowered expectations this situations brings means that all you have to do to blow your partner’s mind is to show up, take off your clothes and do it. If you’ve spent years dragging your carcass across a desert, even a single drop of water is going to taste like champagne.

Straight Married Guy (Fred): My number one tip is:  Start hours before you get to the bedroom.  A flirty look across the picnic table, a lightly fondled butt as you brush past on your way to the outdoor bar, a whispered saucy comment near the barbecue. Each of these things will light figurative sparklers in your romantic relationship and make your grand finale later that much louder and brighter.

Gay Single Guy (Justin Huang): Here is my best tip: maintain eye contact. Why? Because eye contact during sex is hot and underrated, doggie-style be damned. Just as importantly, eyes do not lie — they are a great gauge to determine whether you’re doing the right thing. Not everyone is incredibly vocal about their hot spots or favorite techniques (I am an exception to this: my left nipple should be your best friend). So if you’re not sure what you should be focusing on, focus on their eyes. When they glaze over, try something else. When they widen, keep going. And when they roll back in their head… fireworks.


Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Straight Married Guy is James Glazebrook, a British writer/illustrator working in Berlin with his photographer wife on their cool blog, Ăśberlin; our Gay Guy is Justin Huang, an LA-based freelance film editor, producer, certified personal trainer and the voice of IAmYellowPeril.com; and our Single Straight Guy is Tyler Barnett of Tyler Barnett PR in LA. To ask the guys your own question, click here.


Wise Guys: What Would You Think of a Woman Proposing?

June 18, 2013

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Advice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: “Would most men be cool with a woman proposing marriage to them? (assuming they’re in a serious committed relationship where marriage has become an unspoken expectation for both parties).” To ask the guys your own question, click here.

anonymous_suitStraight Married Guy (Figleaf): I was pretty cool with it!

We’d been in a serious committed relationship for years, and I’d known almost right away that I wanted to marry her. The expectation had even gone from unspoken to spoken when her fairly conservative mom cornered us coming out of a hotel room together on a family trip and said, “So what’s the deal with you two?” We stammered a bit and my partner blurted out “But we’re going to get married.” And I nodded vigorously. Now, at the moment it wasn’t strictly true. We’d talked about it a lot but never made an actual decision. We talked about it later, a bit surprised that in our mid-thirties we were still making excuses. I think I said we should make it official. She said “Should we do it?” and I said yes. And we stopped being nervous staying in the same hotel room around her mom. But not until we really were married.

Anyway, while there seems to be a resurgence of “tradition” where people sometimes fly to special destinations just to pop the question and where guys are “formally” asking the bride’s fathers for their daughter’s “hand in marriage,” I think it’s also fine for women to pop the question instead. I also think that if a guy can’t handle being proposed to at the very least with grace and good humor, then he’d be kind of a brittle husband anyway.

joel_derfner_100Gay Engaged Guy (Joel Derfner, author of Swish): I think most men would probably feel at the very least uncomfortable if a woman proposed to them. Just or not, gender expectations are very powerful in society, and when it comes to things like this I think it’s impossible not to be aware of the taboos involved. My husband proposed to me, and I told him he had to; the closest I can come to explaining is that I wanted to be the girl, though I’m speaking of course in the most metaphorical of senses. (It took him forever, and when he finally did it and I asked him what had led him to take the plunge, he said, “I just decided that I would only propose to you if you didn’t nag me about it for a month, and you just kept nagging, so I kept postponing.”) There must be exceptions, but gender expectations create powerful taboos, and I suspect that even a particularly enlightened man would see this as an instance of the difference between “equal” and “the same.”

Straight Single Guy (Tom Miller): Did she ask my mom first? Am I getting the ring I’ve had my heart set on since I was a little boy? I have a good friend who proposed to her husband and I thought it was pretty cool. I’ve certainly been asked out by a few ladies and I’m not sure why this is too-too different. I’m not sure what the engagement ring protocol is at that point, but I’m sure we’d figure it out. And if she felt goofy about the whole thing later, we could always go through the dad/ring/bent knee/flop sweat/she said yes motions of the traditional proposal.

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. Tom Miller writes the Tomfoolery blog for YourTango; this week’s Gay Engaged Guy is Joel Derfner, author of Swish; and our Straight Married Guy is Figleaf, the guy behind RealAdultSex.com. To ask the guys your own question, click here.