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Wise Guys: The Top 3 No-No’s for a Straight Woman on a 1st Date

April 24, 2012

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Advice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: What are the top 3 no-no’s for a woman to do on a first date? To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Committed Gay Guy (Dwayne):

1. talking about ex boyfriends
2. planning the wedding
3. crying

 

Married Straight Guy (Jake): This is the kind of thinking that we need to break away from. There are no three top things, three best things, three worst things that will make your first date the best. Checklists that other people create for you can cause neurosis, unnecessary worrying and sweaty palms. This is a battered and bruised cliché, but seriously, just be yourself. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by acting, talking, eating and laughing naturally. Anything else is a waste of time.


Single Straight Guy (
Megan): My most recent first date turned into four dates in the same day with the same woman. She broke quite a few rules from my style manual. She made fun of my cardigan. (I still have it and it is pretty atrocious, but still..). She played games when I asked for her phone number. She was a wee heavy on the makeup. She got buzzed and emotional. She accepted a flower from another man. Each of these is a no-no for me. Despite those violations, we had an amazing day. We had lunch together. We went for a midafternoon drink. We met again for dinner. We met back at her place for a late night dip in the hot tub. We would not have gotten past the lunch if there wasn’t something there. We wouldn’t have gone for a drink if there wasn’t something there. We definitely wouldn’t have warmed up the hot tub if there wasn’t something there. If you feel it, ignore your rules. Go with your gut, but know your limits, too. If she had talked on the phone throughout lunch, I would have walked; but she didn’t. Sometimes it’s better to swallow your rules. You’ll learn more about the person opposite you, but you’ll also learn something about yourself. Your palate might just be ready for those brussel sprouts you’ve avoided for so long.

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Committed Gay Guy is Dwayne Resnick, a mid-20th-century decorative arts dealer in NY’s Hudson Valley; our Single Straight Guy is The Meeglet blogger Megan, a former librarian whose Men of the Stacks calendar benefits the It Gets Better Project, and our Married Straight Guy is Jake Kulji, a Minneapolis-based freelance writer who blogs at Analogue Living and who has written two Minnesota hiking and camping guidebooks. To ask the guys your own question, click here.



Wise Guys: Do Men Have Elaborate Fantasies Like Women?

April 17, 2012

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Advice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: “Do guys ever have elaborate fantasies (Riding a white horse to a naked maiden? Being captured as a porn star’s slave?), or do their fantasies tend to be more prosaic?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.

mark_luczak_100Straight Engaged Guy (Mark Luczak): Guys’ fantasies probably tend to be less Fabio-covered romance novel-esque, but that doesn’t mean they necessarily lack in poetic beauty (yes, I had to double-check the definition of “prosaic” — I thought it was an antidepressant). Since we’re stereotypically more strictly visual and to-the-point, our fantasies can run the wide range from “hot co-worker spontaneously jumping our bones” to “hot neighbor spontaneously jumping our bones” to “hot girl walking down the street spontaneously jumping our bones.” If we really want to get elaborate, we’ll mix in a porn star, or two.

daniel_100Gay Single Guy (Daniel): I think guys can have very elaborate fantasies, but that really depends on his own sexual imagination. I’m sure there are plenty who can only think of a two-girl bisexual threesome and that’s it, but I’m 100% positive there are others who might want to, say, get abducted off the street and brought into a room with dominant women who are going to sexually use and humiliate him to their hearts’ content in very specific ways. The bigger question is: which kind of guy do you want? One with a great sexual imagination, one without, or does it matter?

anonymous_suitStraight Married Guy (Figleaf): I guess I could say something like, “Hey, anyone who’s spent much time in a high-school locker room knows that guys can have very elaborate fantasies.” Or I could point out the healthy percentage of text-based porn written by men. But the real answer is… sure. Sometimes. Just speaking for myself, I’ve sometimes had fantasies that have taken literally all day to compose. But they’re not always elaborate at all. Again, speaking for myself, they’re sometimes almost impressionistic snippets of a single mental image, a motion, a touch, or memory.

Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors. This week’s Gay Guy is one-time stripper and sex columnist Daniel; our Straight Engaged Guy is Mark Luczak, a tech geek at Carnegie Mellon University; and our Straight Married Guy is Figleaf, the guy behind RealAdultSex.com. To ask the guys your own question, click here.



Wise Guys: Do Men Admit to Other Current Casual Sex Partners?

April 10, 2012

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Advice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: If a guy is casually hooking up with someone and exclusivity has not yet been established, is he obliged to tell that person about other people he’s sleeping with? And should he offer up that information, or should he wait to be asked?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.

wiseguy_benStraight Married Guy (Ben)Until there’s an actual conversation, there’s no need for a conversation. In other words, as long as everybody’s playing safe, there’s no need to kiss and tell. But one important thing — this is not a “Don’t ask, don’t tell” situation. If your hook up asks you anything about it, you must be honest. Similarly, don’t you ask him or her unless you really, actually want to know.

Gay Single Guy (Justin Huang): Let’s immediately assume that everyone on this party bus is practicing safe sex and being responsible. With that established, I’d say, no, our guy is not obligated to tell his sexual partners about each other. The keyword here is “casual,” and speaking from my own experience as a single gay guy, of course I want to be with desirable people who probably have equally active sex lives, but actually hearing about it from them would be a bit of a buzzkill. If you really care about whether your hookup buddy is seeing other people, I’d say that’s a pretty clear indication that you are either just a very territorial person (read: greedy), or you have actual romantic feelings toward them and the two of you should discuss them like adults.

Furthermore, I think that it’s unfair to ask him if he’s sleeping with other people before you ask him if he wants to be exclusive. Because, frankly, it’s none of your business who those orange panties belong to unless you have a spoken claim on his penis. (Granted, if you do find someone else’s panties in his bed, that means he doesn’t clean the sheets between partners, and that should be a dealbreaker. Yuck.)

Now, there is an exception to this. He would be completely obligated to tell you about another sexual partner if it’s someone you know, especially if it’s a friend, roommate, colleague, or – yikes – someone you’re related to.

anonymous_suitStraight Single Guy (Max): If the hooking up is truly casual, there are a couple of options. First and foremost, I would say that the knowledge of other partners is often already established BEFORE any casual hooking up happens. A touch of jealousy can be a great motivator for all sides. If the knowledge of partners is unknown, I’d say that no one is obligated to say anything as long as the sex is smart and safe. After a little while however, I think that you have to say something. With time comes a greater expectation of something more: if not fidelity and commitment, than at least more forthright honesty and openness. You can’t just keep hooking up with someone and never discuss the possibilities of relationship progress, so how can you skip over something else that you already have? Also, I think that it’s incredibly rare to find more than one person who you are really into at one time. In the situations where I’ve had multiple partners, I’ve found that it’s best to be honest with everyone to avoid the potential for a big mess. If everyone is cool with a love triangle, then by all means, keep it going. Still, I think it’s hard to make these things last. More lovers just leaves more room for disagreement and hurt feelings — eventually someone involved is going to want something legit or else will simply want to call it quits. 

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Straight Married Guy is Ben, a writer and artist living in Los Angeles who runs AdultParlorGames.com; our Gay Guy is Justin Huang, an LA-based freelance film editor, producer, certified personal trainer and the voice of IAmYellowPeril.com; and our Single Straight Guy, Max, is a recent college grad in New York City. To ask the guys your own question, click here.



Wise Guys: What Does It Mean to Have Sex Like a Woman?

April 3, 2012

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Advice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: “We read a lot about women who ‘have sex like men.’ What do you think it would mean to ‘have sex like a woman’?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Straight Single Guy (Tom Miller): I think it just means liking to have your hair pulled. I kid. I think, very broadly stereotyping here, that a fella who wanted to have sex like a woman would want to take things very slowly. Hours of foreplay followed by slow, rhythmic lovemaking, plenty of eye contact and scented candles. Afterwards there would be much cuddling. But, in real life, some ladies like it hard and fast and doggie-style and some guys want to orgasm simultaneously and hold hands and collapse into tearful, sleepy embrasure. Allegedly, it’s easier for dudes to have sex without emotional connection, but who knows if that’s true.

anonymous_suitStraight Married Guy (Figleaf): I hate it when people say this or that woman “has sex like a man.” No, it just means we’ve got really dim stereotypes about women and sex. So I’m not enthusiastic about rising to the “sex like a woman” bait. But if I had to answer I’d say “to have sex like a woman” would be to (only on average, obviously): a) when younger, have sex slightly more often than he really felt like it but not quite as long as he liked when he did have sex; and b) when older have sex slightly less often than she really felt like it but a little longer than she liked when she did have sex.

Another way that, I think, a lot of people have sex that is attributed to “sex like a woman” is noticing all the really pleasurable things about sex that aren’t orgasms… while possibly wondering why he can’t have orgasms with his partner as easily as he can have them by himself.

joel_derfner_100Gay Married Guy (Joel Derfner, author of Swish): I’m going to go with wishful thinking here and say it means having orgasms that last twenty seconds and can be repeated over and over and over again. You lucky bitches.

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. Tom Miller writes the Tomfoolery blog for YourTango; this week’s Gay Married Guy is Joel Derfner, author of Swish; and our Straight Married Guy is Figleaf, the guy behind RealAdultSex.com. To ask the guys your own question, click here.



Wise Guys: How Do You Know When It’s a Good Idea to Move In?

March 27, 2012

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Advice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: How do you know when it’s a good idea to move in together? To ask the guys your own question, click here.

chris_diclericoStraight Single Guy (Chris): Another easy one: It’s never a good idea. No, that’s not actually true. I think you’ll know if it’s a good idea if the relationship passes one easy-to-measure test: You really, really, no bullshit, enjoy each others’ company, even when you aren’t in bed, or out at a beautiful restaurant, or doing some amazing activities. You need to enjoy each just sitting on the couch reading books or watching TV or talking over coffee. If your relationship up until the move-in point has consisted only of dates, you’re fucked. Spend lots more time together DOING NOTHING and see how it goes.

Straight Committed Guy (Johnny): You never know these things. You roll the dice on someone you care about. Sometimes that gamble pays off, other times it costs you everything. It’s like a mini version of marriage in terms of the investment and the risk. So my answer to the question is: before you get married. Don’t marry someone you haven’t lived with for at least a year.

Gay Single Guy (Angelo Nikolopoulos of The White Swallow): It’s never a good idea to move in with someone because:
(a) moving is a bitch
(b) decorative aesthetics will always clash
(c) there’s something thrilling about preparing a weekend “whore bag” (it’s like a mini-vacation!)
(d) lovers will always disappoint you
With that said, most of life’s inescapable forays aren’t, technically speaking, good ideas. Procreation being one of them. I guess if you decide that misery isn’t circumstantial but a mainstay of the human condition, it would probably be wise to move in with a partner who’s attractive, financially stable, and only mildly disgusted by witnessing you at your bloated worst. After all, the option to die miserable and alone is something you could always revisit later in life.

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Gay Guy is Angelo Nikolopoulos, host of an NYC queer reading series The White Swallow; Straight Single Guy is blogger Chris DiClerico; and our Straight Committed Guy is regular EMandLO.com commenter, Johnny. To ask the guys your own question, click here.



Wise Guys: What’s the Deal with Men and Their Penises?

March 20, 2012

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Advice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: Why do men have such an intense relationship with their penis? To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Married Straight Guy (Irad Eyal of Sexdegrees.net): I don’t even understand this question. It’s like a cruel koan that tries to rend the universe asunder. What is a mirror gazing upon itself? Where does the guy end and the penis begin? (Which, by the way, is an important question when you’re measuring.)

Single Straight Guy (Colin Adamo of Hooking Up & Staying Hooked): It is definitely not by choice. We are at times the ventriloquists’ dummies to our own phalluses. Of course we’d prefer not to gawk at you in the gym — we have working out to do as well. We’d love not to turn our heads when an attractive woman walks by — our necks are tired. And I’m sure all of us would rather go back to side-to-side slow dances rather than grinding our crotches into you at a nightclub — we’re not great dancers anyway. But we’re not always in charge. The penis is (be it because of biological, social-cultural, or purely fanciful reasons), and we’ve got to do what it says.

terence_100Committed Gay Guy (Terence): Um, it’s right there staring at me all the time. It’s highly interactive. It talks to me even at times I don’t want it to. It even gets me into trouble. A lot. It’s not my fault it’s an intense relationship.

Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors. Irad Eyal is a writer, TV producer, and founder of celebrity gossip site Sexdegrees.netColin Adamo is a recent Yale grad and author/blogger behind Hooking Up & Staying Hooked, the only sex and relationships resource specifically for high school guys; and Terence is an American living in Sydney. To ask the guys your own question, click here.



Wise Guys: What Do Men Really Want to Do After Sex?

March 13, 2012

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Advice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: What do men want to do after sex? Do you buy the “women want to snuggle, men want to eat/sleep/shower” trope?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Single Bisexual Guy (Jack): I am going to assume that this is for nocturnal sex, given how the question is worded. It is well-established that the male body releases a sleep-inducing hormone following orgasm, so sleep is a natural event, wanted or not. Personally, I’ve definitely found myself at a diner or a convenience store with my partner post-sex at 3am for food and drink, but I’ve also at times been happy to snuggle and fall asleep in each other’s arms. Some bodies just fit together perfectly for snuggling and sleep, making that very appealing. But it’s often dependent on what the partner is in the mood for, and what my feelings are for the person, whether it’s a relationship or just a random hookup or the end of a really great date. I can say that whether it is a man or a woman, I’ve found no consistent pattern – every person is different.

Married Bisexual Guy (Bryan Sebeck): I think it really depends on the guy. There are some guys who want to go right to sleep, but I think most want to do something else first. Hell, in college, I knew a guy who talked about how his favorite post-sex activity was to go down to the gym and work out. This is the very same guy who bragged about how his favorite place to have sex was in the dorm’s sauna. Personally, I’m a snuggler. My wife regularly gets on my case because she doesn’t even have a chance to get comfortable in bed before I roll over and fling a few limbs over her. Then again, if it’s the morning, I’m in the shower within minutes with my wife not far behind. I suppose that, like most things, it depends on a number of factors including who’s involved, the time of day, their mood, ect. If the person that you’re with does want to go to sleep and you want to cuddle, don’t fret. It doesn’t mean that they don’t love you. Take it as a complement. It means that you were so good that you wore them out.


Single Straight Guy (Nick):
This is a question where you can as 10 guys and get 15 different answers. My answer alone will change depending on the mood during sex and who I’m with. If it was a long slow passionate romantic night I’ll want to lay down with her in my arms running my fingers through her hair. If we are just having fun, being loud and silly, I may want to go out and do something fun after. Stress relief sex: if I’m stressed I just want to sleep, if she’s the one stressed, I’ll want to make the rest of the night about her (draw a warm bath for her, give her a back massage and just let her relax and enjoy the afterglow). All in all, men have the same variety of emotions, desires, and needs that women do.

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Married Bisexual Guy is Bryan Sebeck, a newlywed engineer and artist working in Detroit, MI who blogs at A Yooper Steampunk; our Single Bisexual Guy is Jack, a software consultant based in Phoenix, Arizona who blogs at Facets of Our Lives;; and our Single Straight Guy is  Nick German, a network technician based in Minnesota. To ask the guys your own question, click here.



Wise Guys: Do Men Like Crazy Positions in Bed?

March 6, 2012

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Advice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: “Are most guys really into tackling crazy sexual positions (e.g. the wheelbarrow) or are most men completely happy with the standards (e.g. missionary, woman on top, etc)? If it’s the former, why?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Married Straight Guy (Ben D.): You see this in the movies and that is where it should stay. Call me boring but I like the basic three (in no particular order): missionary, woman on top, and doggy. Of course, if my partner requests something, I’m more than happy to obligee. If the wheelbarrow is the best way for you to orgasm, then I’m all for it. However, speaking from experience, extreme positions are more a novelty that you may start out in, but you finish in one of the basic three.

Single Straight Guy (Scott Phrenetik): I’m all for adventure and trying new things, but I can’t say that the best sex I’ve had was in a crazy, contorted position. I like to change things up every now and then, though. And what better way than to explore new positions? Sometimes they work and sometimes they don’t — and when they don’t, I usually get a good laugh from it with the other person. So either way, take a walk on the wild side every now and then. It’s fun!

Single Gay Guy (Abraham Zeus Zapata): I’ve found trying sex positions to be much like performing karaoke songs — I tried them out on people I didn’t emotionally care about. I knew that I could make a fool out of myself and that I would never have to see those people again. I learned what I was good at, what felt good for me, what felt good for others, what is cringe inducing, and what will get you booed off stage and to never visit that part of town again. I began to build a repertoire of “standards”; ones that worked for me (Like “Rhinestone Cowboy”; the song and sexual position) — and then I found the right person who I can make sweet harmony with (insert studio groan here).

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Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Single Gay Guy is Abraham Zeus Zapata, an actor, writer and artist living in the Houston area; our Single Straight Guy is Scott Phrenetik, who moonlights as a DJ in Dallas; and our Married Straight Guy is Ben D., a former professional fighter who would now much rather spend time with his wife and baby son than get punched in the face by a sweaty man. To ask the guys your own question, click here.



Wise Guys: Should a Woman Be Worried About Her Boyf’s Close Female Friends?

February 28, 2012

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Advice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: Should a woman be worried if her boyfriend has tons of very close female friends? To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Married Straight Guy (Jake): On the contrary, I think a man with many close female friends shows that he has the empathy, listening skills, sensitivity and charisma that are valuable in a partner. And if he is floating in a sea of women but chooses to be with you, that’s a confidence booster if I’ve ever seen one.


Single Straight Guy (
Megan): No, not if he has tons of them. Some guys just get along better with women than with other men.  I’m in that category.  I was raised by a single mother and one older sister.  Relating to women is easy for me because I’ve been surrounded by women all my life.  I’m sure I’m not alone in this category.  A woman should be worried if her boyfriend has one, very special friend.  A solitary friendship like that can slide into an intimate, physical, sexual relationship.  A friendship like that contains honesty, candor, trust, respect and even love of a different sort.  A relationship like that can effortlessly reach a tipping point and judgment can lapse if one of the people in the relationship experience an element of trauma, betrayal, loss, frustration or even plain old intoxication.  It’s a common misconception to think that the grass is greener, but, in my experience, it has not been for any prolonged amount of time.  There is excitement in a new, different and rejuvenated kind of intimacy between two “friends”, but when that new relationship ends, so does the friendship.  It’s better to have one, exclusive partner and a number of close friends than one, exclusive partner and one, very close female friend.  There is less chance of a deeper, more intimate relationship developing that way and, as a result, a better chance of the exclusive relationship’s survival.

Committed Gay Guy (Dwayne): Girl friends are the best!  The more girl friends, the more knowledge, insight, and gossip.  It’s healthy to have many friends, whatever sex they are.

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Committed Gay Guy is Dwayne Resnick, a mid-20th-century decorative arts dealer in NY’s Hudson Valley; our Single Straight Guy is The Meeglet blogger Megan, a former librarian whose Men of the Stacks calendar benefits the It Gets Better Project, and our Married Straight Guy is Jake Kulji, a Minneapolis-based freelance writer who blogs at Analogue Living and who has written two Minnesota hiking and camping guidebooks. To ask the guys your own question, click here.



Wise Guys: How Do Men Deal with Bad Breakups?

February 21, 2012

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Advice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: “Pop culture is filled with examples of how women deal with breakups. How do most guys deal with really bad breakups?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Gay Married Guy (Jon Ross): This depends of course entirely on the man, and I think it’s impossible to suggest how “most guys” deal with really bad breakups, when every man is different. Some will collect all their stuff and go out with someone new the next night, others will shutter themselves in their homes and weep away the days. It will all depend on the length, intensity and commitment level of the relationship — and of course the personality of the guy. Personally I always felt it was a waste of time to sit around feeling sad and sorry for the state of my affairs. I’d usually take one night to have a good cry, reminisce and look at old pictures, and then move on.

Straight Single Guy (Adam): This is an easy one. When a guy has a really bad break up he spends a lot of time in a ratty old bathrobe, lamenting the loss of love and shutting himself off to the world. At some point he realizes the error of his ways and makes a grand sweeping romantic gesture in the hopes of winning back the girl of his dreams back. Sometimes it works, but when it doesn’t, he gets a reassuring sense that everything will be all right because “she’s doing okay” and he really only wanted her to be happy in the first place. … And then the credits roll. See, the movies are full of stereotypes about guys, too.

In the non-movie world though, the answer is a little more complex. How long were they together? Were they in love? How did it end, and who ended it? The answers to these questions will have a lot to do with how a guy typically handles a breakup. All that said, though, I think that, as a general rule of thumb, guys will try to do their best to put their exes out of their minds for the short term and get back out into the social scene as quickly as possible to build up their confidence again and avoid focusing on what is ultimately a pretty painful thing. Hey, it’s not all that romantic, but in this case, life doesn’t really imitate art.

Confidential aside to all the single women reading: None of this, of course, applies to ME… I’ll give you romantic gestures and deep depression over my loss of you…of course.


Straight Married Guy (Matt): It really depends on the guy and the breakup, but as a general rule, guys definitely try to go out and hook up as much as possible as quickly as possible. And that’s pretty much it. No long talks, no ice cream, no sad movies, we just want to get out there and give our damaged ego a boost as soon as is humanly possible.

Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors. Our Gay Married Guy is Jon Ross, who works for a network news program and lives in Brooklyn with his husband and two dogs; our Straight Single Guy is Adam, a lawyer and native Floridian in his early thirties; and our Straight Married Guy is a little shy. To ask the guys your own question, click here.