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Wise Guys: Do Men Want Less Sex As a Relationship Progresses?

September 5, 2012

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Advice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: “Do guys tend to want to have sex less often as a relationship progresses? Is that normal, or is that a sign that a relationship is on the outs?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.

anonymous_suitStraight Married Guy (Figleaf): It’s generally not a sign that the relationship is on the outs. It can be a symptom of a relationship that’s otherwise on the outs. But I think it’s at least as likely for sex to be the only thing that still “works” in a relationship that’s otherwise long gone. (See also: “sex, ex.”)

Yeah, I’m going to go a little further out on a limb and say that at least to the extent that men grow up conditioned to equate sex with acceptance, a bit of “cooling” ardor might correspond with a warming of his heart and a growing sense of security with you.

Or not. He could just have found someone new! He could be quite committed but taking your relationship a bit for granted! Or, especially in longer-term relationships, his libido might not be keeping up with yours, such that he’s still totally satisfied, while your libido’s stayed constant or even started to climb a bit.

Do none of those answers seem interesting or reassuring? Good! Heres why: “Does he or doesn’t he” kinds of tea-leaf reading always works better in the pages of Cosmo than in real life. Not sure how your relationship is going? Ask. (But clue: Cosmo fear-mongering notwithstanding, he may be very surprised that you’re worried.)

daniel_100Gay Single Guy (Daniel): I believe that a lot of passionate energy starts getting directed in domesticity, especially if you start living together. The fact is that relationships change and intensities are ever changing. I like to think that sex will always be in the equation, but then again, I’m not wholly sold on monogamy either. On its own, having less sex doesn’t mean the relationship is about to expire, but you will want to address why you’re having less sex if you’re feeling less fulfilled. It’s always important to get your own!

mark_luczak_100Straight Married Guy (Mark Luczak): The excitement of newness, and thus the frequency, of sex often might just eventually fall victim to routine, shifts in the priority of other responsibilities, and even complacency — for both genders — as a relationship progresses into the longer term, so it’s still a huge leap to presuming relationship turmoil. Something more along the lines of complete apathy or lack of desire can indicate deeper issues. But periodic thoughtful acknowledgment of how a couple’s sex life is evolving can allow them to alleviate any insecurities about commitment and desire, and that reassurance can put the focus back on the pure fun of gettin’ it on, most hopefully still with completely fulfilling regularity.

RELATED ARTICLES FROM EMandLO.com:

Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors. This week’s Gay Guy is one-time stripper and sex columnist Daniel; our (Newly-Wed) Straight Married Guy is Mark Luczak, a tech geek at Carnegie Mellon University; and our (Long-Time-Wed) Straight Married Guy is Figleaf, the guy behind RealAdultSex.com. To ask the guys your own question, click here.



Wise Guys: Is Female Ejaculation a Goal for Straight Men in Bed?

August 28, 2012

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photo via Flickr

Advice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: Is female ejaculation a goal straight guys try to go for in bed? Or would most guys be surprised — grossed out, even — if it happened? To ask the guys your own question, click here.


Single Straight Guy (
Megan): One sad truth about men is that what they’ve learned about sex, they have learned from pornography.  They learn that a good pounding is the same as making love.  They learn that facials and blow jobs and dominance are all part of male-female intercourse.  Female ejaculation occupies a very small niche in that lesson book, but it’s a mysterious thing for both men and women.  Some women don’t even know if they have ejaculated before, for example.  Most people don’t know what the ejaculate is composed of, where it comes from, or what volume of ejaculate can be expected.  What color should it be?  How does it smell and taste?  Will it stain?  Will ejaculate transmit STDs?  These are questions many sexually active adults do not know the answers to.  And this ignorance results in several kinds of reactions to female ejaculation:

- There are men — and some women — who strive to experience a shower of love honey as if it were a contest, just another sexual accomplishment they need to cross off their list. And if they don’t — which is common — they feel like failures.

- Then there are the men — and some women — who don’t care. These are usually the same men who don’t care to know whether a woman experienced an orgasm let alone a watery release. They just can’t be bothered to work for it. Similarly, the female variety of this type doesn’t actively fight for her own pleasure.

- Then there are those who are grossed out by the very thought of it and are completely turned off by the experience when it happens to them. After all, ejaculation isn’t very lady like. I have several male friends who fall into this category.  Of course, these are the same friends who refuse to provide cunnilingus so…take that for whatever it’s worth. The women in this category are the ones who’ve been shamed about their bodies and their normal, natural functions. I was with a woman once who was completely afraid of what might happen had we pursued it (she was irrationally terrified she’d poop on me).

- Finally, there are those of us who are curious, do a little research and try not to be judgmental or obsessive/compulsive about it. These are the men who are open to it and enthusiastic about it (especially if it feels good for their partner) without having tunnel vision; and these are the women who are proficient ejaculators who are self-aware and respectful enough to give their partners a heads-up beforehand to make sure they’re cool with it. Unfortunately, this type is a rare breed. So when you find someone who fits the bill, hang onto them.

Committed Gay Guy (Dwayne): Most guys I know are into ejaculation. So what’s good for the gander is good for the goose! The physical act of ejaculating is a pleasurable human sensation — everyone can enjoy it (unless of course it’s associated with abuse).  And it keeps you honest, since ejaculation cannot be faked!

 

Married Straight Guy (Jake): It’s never been a goal of mine or any of the guys I know. Ejaculation or no, I think most guys are just happy to bring their lady to the summit.

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Committed Gay Guy is Dwayne Resnick, a mid-20th-century decorative arts dealer in NY’s Hudson Valley; our Single Straight Guy is The Meeglet blogger Megan, a former librarian whose Men of the Stacks calendar benefits the It Gets Better Project, and our Married Straight Guy is Jake Kulji, a Minneapolis-based freelance writer who blogs at Analogue Living and who has written two Minnesota hiking and camping guidebooks. To ask the guys your own question, click here.



Wise Guys: Do Men Really Think About Baseball to Last Longer?

August 21, 2012

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photo via flickr

Advice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: “Do men really think about baseball to make sex last longer? If they don’t know anything about baseball, what else do they think about?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Straight Single Guy (Tom Miller): I guess I’ve never talked about it with other guys, but I don’t know if delaying strategy is really discussed. I think dudes are generally pretty focused on the task at hand. Sometimes we think of a scene from Spaceballs, and that’s when you catch us laughing.

 

anonymous_suitStraight Married Guy (Figleaf): I never really understood baseball statistics (the canonical thing the old advice manuals recommended men think about) but — true story! — when I was younger, I did sometimes make sex last longer by trying to figure out why anyone would want to think about baseball when they were having sex!

For the record, one of the things that made sex last longer, for me and I think for a lot of men, is to learn to surrender to the feeling instead of resisting it. Sounds paradoxical, but the trick is that stress only makes you think you’re lasting longer. Enjoying yourself and your partner’s enjoyment, realizing there’s no hurry, realizing that if you do ejaculate there are lots of things you and your partner can do till you’re ready again, are all much better things to think about… that have the added benefit of making sex actually last longer.

joel_derfner_100Gay Married Guy (Joel Derfner, author of Swish): I have trouble believing it’s possible to find a man who tries to make sex last longer.

 

 

RELATED ARTICLES ON EMandLO.com:

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. Tom Miller writes the Tomfoolery blog for YourTango; this week’s Gay Married Guy is Joel Derfner, author of Swish; and our Straight Married Guy is Figleaf, the guy behind RealAdultSex.com. To ask the guys your own question, click here.



Wise Guys: Do Men Know Whether Their Male Friends Are Circumcised?

August 14, 2012

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photo via Flickr

Advice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: “Do guys ever discuss circumcision with each other? Do you tend to know whether your guy friends are circumcised or not? To ask the guys your own question, click here.

 

Gay Single Guy (Justin Huang): Gross. I don’t know whether any of my straight guy friends are cut or not (repeat, gross), but I’m sure they’d be a bit freaked out to know that I probably know their penis size and if they’re any good at using it if they’ve hooked up with any one of my girl friends. It’s not like I want to know — in fact it’s the exact opposite! My straight boys are like my less evolved younger brothers (whom I don’t share a bathroom with!). But margarita night with my girl friends does tend to stray into penis talk, and penis size is always something fun to giggle about over a mixed drink.

When it comes to my fellow gay friends, I’m sure there’s a common misconception that all we do is talk nonstop about dick, but if you drop in on us at Sunday brunch, we’re probably debating Lana del Ray or trash-talking Nicki Minaj, not whipping it out and comparing. So when it comes to the penises of the men in my life, I have no idea about whether or not they wear hoodies, nor do I particularly care. Unless, of course, I’ve seen it for myself and gotten a chance to get to know it ;)

anonymous_suitStraight Single Guy (Max): Totally. Remember, public showers used to be quite common. I’m guessing that some groups of friends are too homophobic to discuss it, but nakedness happens. Whether it’s skinny dipping, walking in on a buddy’s sexy situation or just straight talking about it, your true friends will come to learn the status of your foreskin. A bit of a tangent: Can you imagine the first man trying to convince all other men to cut their son’s foreskin off? I don’t care how you feel about the cleanliness and aesthetic aspects, you have to admit that it must have been an awkward conversation at first. Also, did the man who invented circumcision do it to himself? Or was it invented by women to get us back for millenia of mistreatment?

wiseguy_benStraight Married Guy (Ben)I never discussed circumcision with anyone until I had a son. Then, I pretty much only discussed it with my wife and other moms. I never thought about that til now, so I guess it’s something guys don’t really ever talk about. I’m also not sporty, so I generally don’t know anything about my guy friends’ dicks. Except for the few I know a LOT about. ;-)

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Straight Married Guy is Ben, a writer and artist living in Los Angeles who runs AdultParlorGames.com; our Gay Guy is Justin Huang, an LA-based freelance film editor, producer, certified personal trainer and the voice of IAmYellowPeril.com; and our Single Straight Guy, Max, is a recent college grad in New York City. To ask the guys your own question, click here.



Wise Guys: Do Men Know When They’re in Love?

August 7, 2012

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photo via flickr

Advice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: Do guys know when they’re in love? To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Single Straight Guy (Colin Adamo of Hooking Up & Staying Hooked): Not always. I think we spend a lot of time debating and turning this question over and over in our own heads as soon as we’re in a serious relationship (or even the first couple of weeks with a really exciting new partner). In some cases we may not recognize it until it’s too late. Other times we jump to conclusions and let out those three words when we shouldn’t. Sometimes the best thing that can happen to us is having friends and family give us that little push and point out that we are, in fact, in love.

Married Straight Guy (Irad Eyal of Sexdegrees.net): Yes. No! Why is she here all the time? I think guys know when they’re in love, but they’re instantly terrified by the implications. At the moment our hearts start soaring, we’re dragged down by fears of commitment, settling down, and worse. Emotions of any sort can be scary (Why is that baby seal so cute to me? Club it!), but love is the worst. Confronting love is an internal battle that has to play out before a guy can proceed to actually being in love.

terence_100Committed Gay Guy (Terence): You betcha we know. It’s usually about two months behind schedule. A man’s realization is often triggered by his lover’s threat to bail if he doesn’t get with the program. But once he does, it’s on.

 

 

RELATED ARTICLES FROM EMandLO.com:

Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors. Irad Eyal is a writer, TV producer, and founder of celebrity gossip site Sexdegrees.netColin Adamo is a recent Yale grad and author/blogger behind Hooking Up & Staying Hooked, the only sex and relationships resource specifically for high school guys; and Terence is an American living in Sydney. To ask the guys your own question, click here.



Wise Guys: What’s the Best Relationship Advice You Ever Got?

July 24, 2012

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Advice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: “What’s the best advice you’ve ever been given about relationships?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Single Straight Guy (Scott Phrenetik): “Make sure she’s happy.” Every woman is different and there are a myriad of ways to accomplish this, but by far the best relationship advice I’ve been given.

 

 

Married Straight Guy (Ben D.): Best advice I’ve been given is, would you set your sister or cousin up with someone like you? If the answer is no, then why would anyone else want to date you?

 

 

Single Gay Guy (Abraham Zeus Zapata): ”Expectations lead to resentments, and when you allow people to just be themselves, the relationship can really grow.” RuPaul said that.

 

 

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Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Single Gay Guy is Abraham Zeus Zapata, an actor, writer and artist living in the Houston area; our Single Straight Guy is Scott Phrenetik, who moonlights as a DJ in Dallas; and our Married Straight Guy is Ben D., a former professional fighter who would now much rather spend time with his wife and baby son than get punched in the face by a sweaty man. To ask the guys your own question, click here.



Wise Guys: Why Do Straight Men Have Such a Problem with Male Nudity?

July 17, 2012

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photo via Flickr

Advice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: Women put up with female nudity in movies all the time, but guys freak if there’s the occasional male butt – what gives? To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Married Straight Guy (Fred): Do men freak? Maybe the ones who do are afraid of their own inner latent homosexuality? More likely, they make displays of disapproval to prove to the world that they’re not gay — which just makes them seem gay, in a repressed way. Homophobia has that effect. The men who quietly freak on the inside when confronted with attractive male nudity do so for the same reasons women quietly freak on the inside when they’re bombarded by attractive female nudity: it makes you feel insecure and inadequate, and makes you worry that the significant other watching the movie/show/art with you would prefer that naked ideal over you. Women just have more practice at dealing with these negative feelings because female nudity is so much more prevalent. Which begs the question: why is female nudity so much more prevalent? My main theory is that guys are much more visually sexually driven than women (women usually close their eyes when they masturbate, men usually want to look at something) and so injecting female nudity in entertainment, even when it’s not necessary to the story, makes the whole thing more enjoyable for guys, it amps them up, so it can turn, say, a good movie into a really good if not great movie for them (like someone was occasionally tickling their balls while they watched). I’m not sure the same would be true for women. And certainly men outnumber women when it comes to the people making the big decisions in the entertainment industry.


Single Straight Guy (
Megan): There is a lot that goes on in the man cave that women aren’t privy to.  Just like men aren’t allowed into the quilting circle and don’t see how women relate to other women when men aren’t around, women don’t see how men relate to other men when women aren’t around.  Men judge each other, but they do it discreetly and viciously.  There are old standards and expectations that we’ve inherited and that we were born into without our consent.  Men expect other men to be the bread winners, to be the head of household, to be athletic, to be manly and on and on.  You know the image.  What you don’t know is that men who don’t stand up to the image are passive-aggressively ridiculed by other men and cast out of the man cave.  They aren’t invited to office lunches anymore.  They aren’t invited to private parties.  They aren’t called to have beers with the guys unless there is some woman friend of yours they want to hit on.  It’s archetypal.  Part of that archetype is for “proper” straight men to be anti-gay.  It’s not necessarily a conscious, deliberate thing, but there is an unconscious pressure from the man cave that creates anxiety when men, for example, see other men naked.  I can appreciate a good, firm ass.  It gives me something to strive for.  I mean, have you ever seen Baryshnikov in his prime? His butt is like a cantaloupe that was sliced in half.  For this appreciation, however, I don’t really get asked out with guys very often.

Committed Gay Guy (Dwayne): I love to see a guy’s naked butt 10 feet tall on a movie screen and would love to see more.  I think the issue goes back to Pope Paul IV turning the church away from its more sinful past by adding marble and plaster fig leaves to groins of all the nude male statues in the Vatican.  Blame religion.

 

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Committed Gay Guy is Dwayne Resnick, a mid-20th-century decorative arts dealer in NY’s Hudson Valley; our Single Straight Guy is The Meeglet blogger Megan, a former librarian whose Men of the Stacks calendar benefits the It Gets Better Project. To ask the guys your own question, click here.



Wise Guys: What Do Men Think About Sexting?

July 12, 2012

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Advice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: “How do adult men feel about sexting? Juvenile phenomenon? Sexy way to break up a few hours apart? Words but no pics?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Gay Married Guy (Jon Ross): Sexting is pretty much the best use of smart phones that ever existed and I think Graham Bell would be mighty proud indeed to see the lengths to which mankind has taken his invention. Few things beat the rush of excitement when you get a naughty mid-day ping — be it pictures or words, it matters not. Sext away fair maiden! We can’t get enough of it.

Straight Single Guy (Adam): As long as sexting maintains its taboo, it’s going to be fun. That definitely won’t change. Unfortunately, however, “fun” doesn’t always equate to “wise” or even “worth the risk.” Whether it’s worth the risk to send a few naughty lines or (yikes!) a picture of your man-parts to someone is a personal decision; one that should be made after careful deliberation… or, at the very least, one that shouldn’t be made immediately after ingesting mass quantities of fermented hops. (Anyone around here got a camera?)

anonymous_suitStraight Married Guy (Matt): Sexting could be a juvenile phenomenon, or maybe just something I’ve never come across personally. Being married with married friends, guys in my social circles don’t tend to share their latest sexual updates like single guys do. Telling your single buddies in a bar about your hook-up is one thing, but standing around a barbecue talking about the hot message your wife texted you yesterday would be more than a little awkward. So maybe my married friends do sext their partners; I have no idea. It’s just something that’s never occurred to me (or to my wife, apparently). Now that you’ve mentioned it, I could send her one now, but I think she’d probably find it more hilarious than hot.

Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors. This week’s Gay Married Guy is Jon Ross, who works for a network news program and lives in Brooklyn with his husband and two dogs; our Straight Single Guy is Adam, a lawyer and native Floridian in his early thirties; and our Straight Married Guy is feeling a little shy. To ask the guys your own question, click here.



Wise Guys: How to Make Fireworks in the Bedroom

July 5, 2012

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photo by foxypar4

Advice from three of EM & LO‘s guy friends. This week a straight woman asks, “Seeing as it was Independence Day yesterday, what’s your number 1 tip for making fireworks in the bedroom?”

Straight Single Guy (Tyler Barnett): Pop champagne! Sex is all about letting go of inhibitions and nothing helps you tap into those deep, dark dirty desires like a bit of bubbly. Put your finger where? Lick my what? Call me who? Booze has been called social lube for centuries, and that stays true straight into the bedroom…or kitchen…or your neighbors’ garage. So celebrate your independence by tapping into a bottle of bubbly and let your crazy ass fantasies come to life. God bless America.

Straight Married Guy (James Glazebrook): Sex. It might seem like a foregone conclusion to you swinging singles or young lovers, but to married couples sex is the exception rather than the rule. While that sounds depressing, the lowered expectations this situations brings means that all you have to do to blow your partner’s mind is to show up, take off your clothes and do it. If you’ve spent years dragging your carcass across a desert, even a single drop of water is going to taste like champagne.

Straight Married Guy (Fred): My number one tip is:  Start hours before you get to the bedroom.  A flirty look across the picnic table, a lightly fondled butt as you brush past on your way to the outdoor bar, a whispered saucy comment near the barbecue. Each of these things will light figurative sparklers in your romantic relationship and make your grand finale later that much louder and brighter.

Gay Single Guy (Justin Huang): Here is my best tip: maintain eye contact. Why? Because eye contact during sex is hot and underrated, doggie-style be damned. Just as importantly, eyes do not lie — they are a great gauge to determine whether you’re doing the right thing. Not everyone is incredibly vocal about their hot spots or favorite techniques (I am an exception to this: my left nipple should be your best friend). So if you’re not sure what you should be focusing on, focus on their eyes. When they glaze over, try something else. When they widen, keep going. And when they roll back in their head… fireworks.

Our “wise guys” are a rotating group of contributors, some of whom wish to remain anonymous and some of whom like the attention. This week’s Straight Married Guy is James Glazebrook, a British writer/illustrator working in Berlin with his photographer wife on their cool blog, Überlin; our Gay Guy is Justin Huang, an LA-based freelance film editor, producer, certified personal trainer and the voice of IAmYellowPeril.com; and our Single Straight Guy is Tyler Barnett of Tyler Barnett PR in LA. To ask the guys your own question, click here.



Wise Guys: What Will Men NEVER Tell Their Partner?

June 26, 2012

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photo via flickr

Advice from three of EMandLO.com’s guy friends. This week they answer the following: “What are some sex-related things a guy will NEVER tell the person he’s dating?” To ask the guys your own question, click here.

Straight Married Guy (James Glazebrook):  What he really wants to do. Openness is the key to any successful relationship — but only to a point. Just like a woman shouldn’t see her man shitting, she shouldn’t be exposed to the open sewer running through his fantasies. Besides, fantasies are fantasies for a reason; if they were acted out in reality, they could be harmful, icky or just plain embarrassing. A man doesn’t really want a whore in the bedroom, he wants YOU in the bedroom, and a bunch of whores in the dark dungeon at the back of his dirty mind. So do us both a favor, and don’t ask what’s in there.

daniel_100Gay Single Guy (Daniel): My guess here is: previously cured STDs and times when he couldn’t perform.

 

 

mark_luczak_100Straight Engaged Guy (Mark Luczak): Generally, there’s a natural chronology to the progression of things, sex-related and not, that are shared as a relationship evolves from courtship to dating to exclusivity and beyond. I’m pretty much an open book, so usually it has happened to be me pushing the envelope of revelation at each stage, just in the interest of getting to know someone better, and vice-versa — it’s all part of the fun, and of course the disclosure of more intimate stuff (turn-ons, fantasies eventually) can be particularly exciting. I can’t think of much I wouldn’t tell eventually, other than some of the truly gory details of previous relationships that for all involved are obviously better left in the past.

Our “guys” are a rotating group of contributors. This week’s Gay Guy is one-time stripper and sex columnist Daniel; our Straight Engaged Guy is Mark Luczak, a tech geek at Carnegie Mellon University; and our Straight Married Guy is James Glazebrook, a British writer/illustrator working in Berlin with his photographer wife on their cool blog, Überlin. To ask the guys your own question, click here.