photo by (nutmeg)

We got a TON of great comments on the “How Long Can a Virgin Make a Guy Wait?” post, from Spes, SS, Madamaoiselle L….it was so hard to choose one! So we picked two:

Rhett Butler: Let me recast the question to illuminate it a bit more.  While the analogy isn’t perfect, let’s replace “sex” by “marriage” and reverse the gender roles and see if it makes any difference.  How long should a guy expect to be able to make a woman wait before he commits to marriage? He should make her wait as long as he needs to in order to be sure that she really is the one for him.  Conversely, it is not at all unreasonable for a woman to say that she wants to get married, and if it’s not gonna happen in this relationship, then she should feel free to move on.  The actual time frame is completely up to the individuals.  Whatever each finds reasonable really should be fine.  The same with sex.  We all enter into relationships with priorities, and it is up to each person to negotiate to see that his/her needs are met. Period.  Whatever they mutually find satisfactory is the correct length of time.  But let’s leave any notions like, “if he really loves you he’ll wait” out of it.  It is legitimate to expect sex in a relationship at some point.  And a man can reasonably weigh the chance that the relationship will work out against his immediate needs.  If he thinks his odds are too remote for a long term relationship, then he should certainly feel free to move on. That isn’t selfish, nor demonstrative of a lack of respect.

Dannie: Speaking of gender.  Let me say here that I’m not exactly 100% with the way we’re gendering this, that gals make guys wait for sex and men make women wait for marriage.  The sex of the individual is outside of the equation: one person is ready for one thing while the other is not.  That is it.  And I do believe that guys can take a stake and put time into a relationship for more than just sex.  If they are attracted to the person, yes, they will want sex–but they should also want their prospective partner to want it, too.  Furthermore, the idea that a woman would be denied sex because a man thinks she is not ready when she has decided she is just reeks of patriarchy.  Just as a person has a right to decide not to have sex, they have the right to decide to have sex.  And there is nothing wrong with either decision.

Read all of the thought-provoking comments on “How Long Can a Virgin Make a Guy Wait?” here.

photo by e.esders

Just to prove that it’s not only women who fall hard on a first date, get swept up by their libido, and never hear from said date again…

I met this beautiful gal on a dating website. We had a second date, had a great time, spent the entire day together. At the end of the evening we ended up at her home, and one thing lead to another… I thought we both had a great time and I was totally interested in seeing her again — then, the next morning, she sent me a “Dear John” letter. So obviously in this case, it was way too soon. I knew in my head this might happen, but it still hurts when it does. Live and learn I guess.

– Steve, commenting on “Wise Guys: Is Sex on a First Date a Relationship Killer?”

photo by J. Tann

The fact that I can’t seem to form an opinion on this topic troubles me slightly. Is there something (other than the obvious) wrong with me? Am I ‘too nice’ to even have a conviction? Most of my firsthand experiences came at a time when pubic topiary was a rarity so the state of nature seems pretty normal to me. I have encountered a few who were trimmed or waxed and it struck me as interesting and novel but not compelling. Generally, I’m just happy to have the opportunity to play. The length of the grass on the field is so trivial it doesn’t warrant much discussion. Please note that no slight is intended to those partisans who are willing to fight and die over the issue; I just don’t feel it.

– Slartibartfast, commenting on the post “Wise Guys: What’s the Appeal of Bare Down There?”

photo by madaboutasia

I’d agree with everything on this list except #7. For chrissake, don’t get a tattoo that has anything to do with the ex. It’s inevitably the same in a breakup: at first it consumes your world to an extent that makes it seem tattoo-worthy — oh, the pain! But by the time you screw a few more guys, then land yourself an awesome new BF, your suffering will be part of the past, the drama you pumped into the situation will seem a little over-blown, and you’ll have a chuckle about it. And you’ll be DAMN glad you don’t have to look at a tattoo commemorating a guy who’s not part of your life anymore.

– Johnny, commenting on the post “How to Get Over a Break Up in 10 Easy Steps”

I think Em and Lo meant a “I’m released, this is the new me, and I love it” kind of tattoo, not a “Why did Fuckface leave me, I will never love again” one.

After a difficult breakup I went on a 3 week trip with friends (it had been booked before the breakup), and got a conch piercing during that time. Maybe it’s a cliché to get pierced while travelling, but for me, it was like getting a new haircut: Telling the world and myself that I have changed, I’m free, my batteries were recharged by the trip, and I had a great time. Then again, the ring is removable, and the remaining hole is less noticeable than a “Fuckface broke my heart” tattoo on the upper arm.

– Trillie, responding to Johnny

(And yes, for the record, Trillie’s right — that’s exactly what we meant!)

photo by stevendepolo

Let’s clarify that question: Can/should straight married people have opposite-sex friends? Which begs the question, can/should gay married people have same-sex friends? These questions were inspired by the following recent comment:

I have found that even though I’ve been married for years, I never spend time alone with my husband’s male friends, even men who are part of a couple that my husband and I are super close to. We can have plenty of friendly banter when the couples are all together, but the odd time when one of his friends has stopped by and my husband’s not home, the friend and I seem to have an almost stilted conversation, NEVER any of the playful banter that happens when we’re all together, because I think we’re both very aware of never crossing any lines…

– SS commenting on the post “Your Call: My Friend Keeps Hitting On My Wife”

photo by faster_panda_kill_kill

Oh, pshaw. Girls often turn down sex for a variety of reasons.

Try being a guy and telling a woman it’s not happening tonight.

Guys get a bad rap sometimes for being sexually aggressive, pushy, not respecting women’s boundaries… but have you ever seen how a woman gets when she’s denied sex!?!? They’re HORRIBLE! They’ll pout, they’ll rub other guys in your face, they’ll call you gay, they’ll threaten to cheat… Awful!

– Johnny, commenting on “Wise Guys: How Best to Say Not Tonight Honey?”

photo by kodomut
Sometimes our comments of the week are really funny, sometimes they’re extremely informative. This week, we thought this one would be good fodder for debate:

Bit of a broad question… it’s like asking “Do men cheat?” Some men do, some men don’t, some women do, some women don’t. I dumped my GF hard and fast for snooping on me a few months back. Two words: inadmissible evidence. I will not even discuss whatever a woman may find if she snoops on me. I immediately shut the discussion down and break up. Even if she makes her way back into my life, she will never, ever get closure from me regarding what what she saw. That’s my default policy on snooping: inadmissible evidence. You don’t even have the right to mention it to me.

Johnny, commenting on “Wise Guys: Do Men Snoop on Their Partners?” Please to discuss:

photo by St_A_Sh

I have a Master’s in Lactation Science, so I know what I am talking about when it comes to all things breast:

1) Breastfeeding does not make breasts sag. Pregnancy and genetics cause the lost of elastic tissue, which causes sagging, NOT breastfeeding. If you didn’t nurse your children [i.e. if you just fed them formula] you would be just as saggy. Also, women with larger breasts to start out with sag more. It’s simple physics. I have worked with women who have NEVER been pregnant and induced lactation, for adopted babies, and we see NO sagging in them, especially if they don’t lose a lot of weight. They were never pregnant, so the fibrin which causes the breast to be “perky” was never lost, as it is in pregnancy. Lactation has no effect on the fibrin in the breast, or the eventual glandular structure size. In some women the glands grow slightly, and stay that way (usually in younger women and those with very small breasts), but we are talking about milligrams of weight, not enough to cause a breast to “sag.” (In fact the breasts are not considered completely developed until AFTER a full course of breastfeeding.) Breastfeeding is what the breasts were MEANT to do. It does not cause damage, size change (permanent), or sagging. However, pregnancy, genetics and improper weaning techniques [i.e. cold turkey instead of gradual] can cause these three. Read the rest of this entry »

photo by cogdogblog

I feel the same way about the guys that hold this double standard [when a guy looks at other women but gets jealous if his girlfriend ogles men] as the girls who read romance novels and watch chick flick marathons and freak out when their guy uses porn to masturbate. It all boils down to insecurity. The problem here isn’t with the girl who looks, it’s the guy who can’t handle her looking, just like the aforementioned problem isn’t the guy who uses porn, it’s the girl who can’t handle the guy looking.

Everybody has fantasies; some people just try to make themselves feel better by pretending their partners don’t. From a rational standpoint, the idea that you can fantasize about someone else but your partner can only fantasize about you is patently ridiculous, but so many people, men and women, adhere to this kind of faulty double-standard. And they only do it because they can’t handle knowing that they personally are not the be-all end-all of their partner’s existence. It’s selfish, childish and extremely insecure; guilting your partner into not looking only makes them less likely to share themselves with you, it drives a wedge of delusion between yourself and your partner. That’s the kind of wedge that grows with time, and I would bet has ended many promising relationships. All because one person couldn’t recognize that the other one was human too.

I wish people didn’t just assume that thought — that everybody is human — was common sense. Although, perhaps I just wish this common sense were a little more common.

– Doug, commenting on the post “Wise Guys: He Looks at Other Women But Gets Jealous If I Ogle Men”

photo by our “wise guy” Figleaf

I have the privilege of teaching sex ed to my sixth graders.  However, there are so many limitations to what I can tell my kids.  It can be SO frustrating.  I am deeply spiritual and a devout Christian but I have no intention of forcing my beliefs on my kids.  I simply want them to know more than what the textbook includes like  self-pleasure and how men’s needs differ from women’s needs.  If I had had someone who was willing to be very open and frank about human sexuality when I was in junior high and high school, I don’t think I would have ended up pregnant as a teenager.  After growing up with so many misconceptions about sex I am very thankful for having a man in my life that has helped me to be relaxed and open to some wonderful possibilities sexually.  I remember getting so much misinformation about sex from friends, media, and my parents.  I would gladly welcome the parents of my students to sit in on a discussion about the sexual side of being human with my students.  They may have more questions than my students invariably do.

– Brad’s Angel, commenting on the post “All I Really Needed to Know I Learned from Porn”