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Comment of the Week: I’ve Got a Problem with EMandLO.com

October 28, 2014

0 Comments

When we started reading Dave’s comment today, we thought, “Oh no, what have we done now?” Turns out it’s not us who are the problem, it’s our readers:

I have a serious problem with your website.

Almost every time I read something on your website and want to comment on it, I find that someone else has already said nearly exactly the right thing and in a more elegant fashion than I probably could.

I really enjoy reading the witty and intelligent things your readers have to say but it makes we feel less special when your readers get it right before I can post anything most of the time.

I guess this is the cost of hanging out with cool/smart people.

Dave

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How to Become a Cuckold (If That’s Your Thing)

October 23, 2014

0 Comments

Every now and then (okay, so it’s not exactly rare!) a reader gives better advice than we ever could. Especially when it’s a very specific situation that we have zero experience in… and the reader has experience in spades. This week is just such a case: Reader Ken shares very smart advice on how to become a cuckold, and how to get your wife on board with the whole thing — assuming, of course, that’s your bag! He posted this comment in response to our post, “Your Call: I Want My Wife to Have an Affair; Thinks I’m Nuts”:

Ken: I am in a ‘cuckold’ situation in my marriage, but this took years of slow, gentle encouragement. At first it was just me whispering my dirty fantasies in her ear during intimate moments. After she had come to understand my desire, she started taking small steps to tease and please me. This happened most often while on vacation. In beautiful places with beautiful strangers. At first it was limited to small acts of flirting and a little exhibitionism here and there – often on the pretext of a dare. Most importantly, I never pushed her toward anyone specific. If she felt flirty and fun (and a little buzz always helped) I gently encouraged her to explore her wild side.

After years of this she eventually became comfortable enough to take things to a new level with a handsome stranger of her choice.

Believe me: I understand this desire. But you have to keep it light and take it slow and maybe – just maybe – she will explore this desire more fully. But the last thing you want to appear as to your wife is a creepy, pushy sexual deviant. That will freak her out and you will probably A: never realize your fantasy and B: lose your wife in the process.

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Why No Blowjobs Can Be a Dealbreaker for Men

October 22, 2014

2 Comments


photo via flickr

Last week we published reader Sara’s impassioned comment about blowjobs, and how they are not an inalienable right. This week, we are publishing two responses to her by two of our equally thoughtful, passionate, intelligent male readers, Derek and Steve. Can we just say how much we love that a debate like this can take place on our site, with no flaming and no name-calling? It’s positively revolutionary! So please, keep it coming.

And yes, we will admit to a little bias when it comes to discussing an absence of cunnilingus in a relationship vs an absence of blowjobs. There is one fairly big difference, though: We don’t know any (many?) men who are able to climax via oral sex alone. For women, on the other hand, it’s a different story. Cunnilingus is often the closest women come to experiencing the kind of guaranteed climaxes that men take for granted. Sometimes it’s the only way they can climax. Also, we happen to think that the way cunnilingus is dismissed in our culture is a lot more problematic than the way blowjobs are discussed. Simply put, there’s a power differential.

That all said, we will do our best to bear these comments below in mind. And we will do our best to treat men in blowjob-free lives as sensitively as we do those women who are starved for cunnilingus. A little more empathy never hurt any blogger, after all!

Here are the responses to the original post, “Your Call: She Doesn’t Like Going Down” and the follow-up “Comment of the Week: Blowjobs Aren’t an Inalienable Right”:

Derek: Good points, Sara. No one should feel that they have to do any specific sex act. Now, I think it is a good idea for any committed, monogamous couple to try and explore things that their partners really enjoy, but if you really don’t like it then don’t do it.

That being said, I also think the other partner has every right to say good bye to a relationship that does not include things that they really enjoy and would miss greatly if there was a lack of it. I don’t want to be with a woman who doesn’t make me laugh, who isn’t loving, who wants to spend her weekends at work, who doesn’t like giving blowjobs, that hates dogs and won’t let me adopt one, and who can only orgasm after being urinated on. All are valid reasons to not want to be with someone who you otherwise love a lot.

For me, blow jobs give me the opportunity to relax and just feel pleasure and joy. Thrusting is hard business, and there are a great many things to keep track of (back pain, arms about to give out, sliding knees, etc). Not to mention, the anxiety a lot of men feel about maybe coming to soon or their dick not helping a woman have an orgams and all the attendant feelings of failure and unmanliness.

Fellatio allows me to not have those worries. I don’t have to make decisions. I don’t have to worry about anything. All I get to do is feel, to experience amazing sensations. I don’t think I could be married to a woman who would not provide that opportunity to me. It is far to blessed and amazing experience for me to never do it again.

Now, if your man is willing to pay the price of admission (no blow jobs) then great, but if he is unwilling, as I would be, then he has every right to end the relationship and find what he needs elsewhere. Just as you are free to leave a man who demands fellatio from you constantly, or a man that does not fit your needs.

And it is not because I don’t care about the woman. We all have needs and wants and they are all valid things. If I loved a woman who hates dogs and never, ever wants one of the damned things, I don’t think I could marry her. I love dogs and I want one very much. Likewise, I don’t want kids and a woman who wants kids has every right to leave me so that she can get the things she wants and needs. Sex is no different. Unmet needs cause all kinds of problems and it is important for everyone to be honest with themselves about what they need and desire. So, I don’t think shaming someone for really liking and wanting/needing a sexual act is a helpful thing to do.

P.S. A lot of these issues might be solved if we just all got into being monogamish and opened up our relationships!

 

Steve: Great post, Derek. There is a striking contrast between many of the responses provided in this thread and those in the one entitled “My Husband Won’t Give Me Oral.” Several posters here have emphasized that no one should feel forced to do do something that he or she does not want to do. In that thread the husband is treated as a jerk for having the same views that the letter writer here expresses. Double standards, anyone?

I agree that no one should feel forced to perform any specific sex act. On the other hand, sex IS important to many people, and no one should be obliged to stay in a relationship if his/her needs are not being met. This is not an issue of “entitlement” – it’s about whether each person’s wants and needs are being satisfied in the relationship. It’s up to the participants to try to reach a satisfactory solution. If this proves impossible, both will have to decide whether the relationship is worth maintaining.

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Comment of the Week: Blow Jobs Aren’t an Inalienable Right

October 16, 2014

2 Comments

In an impassioned response to our post, “Your Call: She Doesn’t Like Going Down,” reader Sara doesn’t pull any punches when discussing those who prioritize sex acts over actual people. She really gets going in the fourth paragraph!:

You know what makes it easier to like something? Being able to choose freely whether to do it (or have it done to you). That means being pressured is not helpful. Whether it is “but everyone else loves it” peer pressure, some jackass saying you owe them, or some well-meaning person telling you to try try again.

I found this thread seriously f*cked up. The amount of guilt tripping and the suggestion to the OP that there’s something wrong with her, she needs to get over it, that she’s being “unfair” – what the actual FUCK?

Do you people realise that coercing someone into a sex act they are not willing to do is a form of rape? That people are different and some people just don’t like certain things, and it’s not your right to tell them they are abnormal because they’re different to you? Threatening to find sex elsewhere or leave someone if they don’t give you oral sex is emotional manipulation of the most insidious, despicable kind. My man doesn’t like giving oral sex much and even if I loved it (I don’t) I would NEVER coerce him into it because it’s sick to make someone you’re supposed to love do something sexually that they are not willing to do.

I don’t like giving blow jobs and there is NOTHING wrong with me. There are a lot of unpleasant things about having a dick in your mouth. Even freshly washed, it doesn’t taste or smell great. Seeing as my tongue happens to be covered in taste buds and my nose full of olfactory receptors, there is little I can do to block this out. Putting food of any kind on genitalia makes it even more gross. Getting your gag reflex stimulated is massively unpleasant too – it can be painful if it’s violent, my eyes water, and I don’t feel very sexy with tears streaming down my face. After about 2 minutes my jaw aches unbearably. I find the idea of bodily fluids hitting the back of my throat disgusting, and every time I’ve ever swallowed I’ve felt sick and mildly traumatised for a couple of hours afterwards, and if you think there’s something wrong with me for that how about you take a swig of your girlfriend’s period blood and see how it makes you feel. Most people can’t even handle the idea of drinking human breast milk and that’s actually supposed to be food, so why am I supposed to enjoy the salty bitter slime that comes out of a man’s penis?

Couples can have great sex that both partners enjoy without throwing their toys out of the pram when they don’t get everything they want. I like anal but I also recognise that it’s not for everyone, and I’d never accuse another girl of being weird or uptight or somehow at fault for not enjoying it. Similarly my man has no interest in being penetrated anally by me, and though I’d quite like to do it it would be messed up to coerce him into something he’s clearly not comfortable with, and even more messed up to suggest that him not being comfortable with something I want is some sort of personal failing.

There should be more to a relationship than getting pleasured. If you care more about getting your dick sucked than you do about the girl who’s doing it, then you probably don’t deserve a relationship anyway. Fuck… this thread has seriously depressed me.

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Comment of the Week: Your Breakup Advice Sucks!

October 8, 2014

1 Comment


photo via flickr

This week, reader Ultraviolet took us to task for our “ten easy steps” break-up advice in response to a post, “Your Call: How Do You Get Over Long-Term Heartbreak?” Consider her words a cautionary tale about holding onto bitterness and regret, living in the past… and not listening to yours truly, Em & Lo!

Yeah, three years is NOTHING. I’m on year twenty and counting. (And for the record, I think the 10-step program advertised on this website is laughable and insulting.) And to those readers suggesting therapy, yeah, I’ve tried that too over and over and over again and it doesn’t do any good, and antidepressantants didn’t help either. I don’t want therapy or pills, I don’t fucking want to cut my hair or reinvent myself (I like myself fine, thanks) or travel or date other people, and I shouldn’t have to. I just want my boyfriend back and that’s it.

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Telling People Not to Get Married Young Makes Them Narcissistic

September 23, 2014

1 Comment

Reader Joseph recently took us to task for our advice to a twenty-four-year-old woman who said she likes her co-worker more than her boyfriend, but feels like maybe she should stay with her boyfriend because they have a “solid” relationship and her friends and family adore him. Our advice, in a nutshell, was, “Be twenty-four.” Have fun, flirt, date around, don’t settle down, etc, etc. But according to Joseph, it is exactly this approach that is causing young people to be so narcissistic and immature. Here’s his comment; what do you think?

Yes she is 24! So she should be mature enough to not think like a 15-16 year old kid. The problem with today’s society is that it keeps young men and young women in the ” kids” status by claiming you are too young to settle, in other words today’s philosophy is ” your too young to take on responsibility. No wonder today’s society is so narcissistic and immature, people back then at 16 plus where mature and forced to take on responsibility for their own live, stop using you are only 24 years old excuse to keep people in the Peter Pan syndrome, she is 24 she should be an mature adult and if she is not is time to become one. Grow up article writer.

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Comment of the Week: An Easy Trick to Avoid Ruining Your Relationship Forever

September 17, 2014

1 Comment


photo via flickr

One reader emailed us their best relationship advice, not in response to a specific post, but just ’cause. So we wanted to share:

Me and my girl broke up after 8 years together. She was wonderful and I was a fool. I did everything wrong. So my advice is:  if you’re thinking of doing something wrong towards your other half, close your eyes, imagine your life without her/him and if it looks better, do your thing. The heartache and depression I’ve been feeling is awful. It’s like being punched in the gut every minute of the day. Def would do a lot of things differently if I had it to do again.

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(Atrociously Ignorant) Comment: Bisexual Is Just an Excuse Gay Men Use

September 9, 2014

3 Comments

Sometimes, a comment on our site is so out there, so ill-informed, so close-minded, so staggeringly wrong that we feel compelled to share it, simply so that all of you can join in the chorus of disapproval. Please tell us, dear readers, that this commenter is in the minority amongst you! This post on bisexuality was submitted by reader Bobby B in response to the article, “Your Call: I Can’t Handle My Boyfriend’s Bisexuality”:

Your boyfriend is not a bi sexual (there is no such thing having sex with a person of the same gender makes yo a homosexual bi sexual is a word that homo’s have made up to lessen the sting of the fact that they can’t admit just what they are even to themselves) he is a straight up queer who has sex with men.

Your best bet would be to find a man who is not a queer and only has interist in sex witp persons of the opposite gender and then make sure that he does not run off and have sex with every menber of the opposite gender that he meets.

The likelyhood is that you will have a much better outlook on your new boyfriend if you were to stick to faithful hetrosexual males who are attracted to you rather than remaining with a homosexual who needs to have a woman around to convince himself that he is not queer only”bi sexual”.

Get rid of him and move on

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Comment of the Week: Give Your Spouse More Credit

September 4, 2014

0 Comments

photo via Flickr

When a reader asked ”Is Intellectual Inequality a Deal Breaker?“, Henry’s response concisely showed how having a better attitude — i.e. being more generous, looking at things from a more positive perspective — can make all the difference in a relationship: 

I’ve been married 14 years. I’ve always thought my non-college educated woman a bit “simple.” Recently though, she explained some things about the work she does in such an eloquent way that I realized that perhaps I was all along judging her on my experiences and priorities, not hers.

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Comment of the Week: How to Really Talk About Sex with Your Spouse

August 27, 2014

1 Comment

photo via Wikimedia

Reader Nikki dropped some serious wisdom this week in response to our post, “BDSM Saved My Life, But Is Ruining My Near Perfect Marriage” (we’re thinking we may have to start a Kinksters Anonymous support group to help out all these kink-stressed marriages):

Oh, damn. This is a tough situation. It sounds like you two are sexually incompatible and have some communication problems.

Some of what isn’t working sexually for you is a kink issue and part of it isn’t a kink issue. I’m going to address these separately, because I think they are distinct issues. The non-kink issue first. It sounds like you are missing things from the “vanilla” part of the menu, like more foreplay.

First, what I’m reading in your letter is that your wife hears requests for more of what you like as failures on her part. That needs to stop. The two of you need to work out a way to communicate about your sexual needs and desires without it becoming a source of tension or argument.

Second, it sounds like your wife is being rather sexually selfish. She refuses to have more foreplay, or allow you to go down on her, and only wants the kind of sex she likes? Relationships are about compromise. If the BDSM stuff freaks her out, that’s one thing. But would a little more vanilla kissing, touching, or oral sex really be all that difficult for her to indulge you in once in a while? I think not. Again, this is a communication issue.

For these issues, I suggest having an honest conversation about your sexual needs, and perhaps seeking a marriage counselor. Again, I reiterate that it’s important to separate out your kink from your vanilla sex life because there are distinct issues going on here.

The kink issue is a little less complicated and a little more complicated. It sounds like your wife just isn’t into BDSM, while you really miss it. If she’s just not into it, doesn’t like it, and it actually upsets her, you can’t expect her to do it. I say this as a kinkster myself. So you have three options: (1) resign yourself to giving up BDSM for good (which sounds unrealistic, given your fears about cheating); (2) end your marriage and search for a kinky partner; or (3) open the relationship on terms that you are both comfortable with. If your marriage really is as good as you say it is, it doesn’t sound like it’s worth blowing up your home for the sake of monogamy. You don’t even have to break monogamy to open your relationship sufficiently to satisfy your kinky needs. Lots of BDSM doesn’t involve what most people consider to be sex.

These issues might also be best addressed with the help of a therapist, because again, I think you guys have communication issues. If you do want to talk about the kink aspects of this problem with a therapist, I suggest you find a kink-friendly one, because otherwise, the therapist may fixate too much on the “pathology” of your kinks (despite the updates to the DSM). The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom has a Kink Aware Professionals directory you can use to search for therapists and marriage counselors in your area who are BDSM-literate and sex positive.

Best of luck to you. I hope you and your wife can reach a solution that makes you both happy and gets your relationship into a better place.

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