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Comment of the Week: Who Causes Wet Dreams? Could It Be….Satan?!

April 15, 2015

0 Comments

In response to a letter from a woman who orgasms in her sleep, we got a very interesting and creative analysis of what is actually going on from Amandah. It’s not sexual tension or the subconscious playing around with one of our strongest primal urges. Nope! Amandah schools us in the facts. (Ed. note: grammatical and spelling mistakes have been corrected for readability, natch):

Mhhh, I’ve read your comments guys and I know all about wet dreams or multiple orgasms. The truth is you all have what [we] call a “spiritual husband” — it’s a very wicked sexual “demon” or…Satan. It is an attack and you need to be delivered from that thing because it can destroy your life… I know what I’m talking about. Most of you will not agree with me, but I know it’s the truth. If you’re under that demon attack, most of the time you hate your husband for no reason and sometimes you will loose affection towards your husband; you will only enjoy that sex of the night. And the truth is, it is so good, but it is hell. I was once a victim of a night sex slave, then I accepted Jesus as my lord and savior and I was delivered from all that sinful nature and I have a new life in Christ Jesus. Though that thing still comes to me in the night, the difference is now I have an ability of God to rebuke and cast that demon out of my life in Jesus’ name. I pray that God may deliver your families and open your spiritual eyes. When you sleep you’re supposed to sleep [without] having sex in your sleep — it is not normal. No doctor or anyone can help you without Jesus.

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Comment of the Week: How to Pay for Dinner, and How to Let Someone Else Pay

April 8, 2015

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photo via flickr

MVP commenter Johnny weighs in on our post “Who Do Men Think Should Pay On a Date?” We would say that his final line, “Two drinks buys you nothing but a chance,” should be put on T-shirts and handed out to college guys across the country. Except that certain fraternity members would probably take this to mean that plying women with drinks gives them a better chance of getting a woman in bed. Sigh.

“Whoever does the asking” is almost always the same as “the guy should pay,” because women almost never do the asking. Also I’m assuming this is an early date here, before the relationship is established.

The guy should pay. The woman should politely go for her purse, and the guy should nonchalantly tell her not to. If she insists on paying, the guy should let her.

With this in mind, the smart guy chooses an inexpensive early date. This not only saves him money, but spares her the discomfort of accepting a large offering from a suitor she might not even like. Who pays for a couple drinks shouldn’t be a big deal for either person.

If a woman can’t just accept two drinks with a demure “thank you,” she either definitely doesn’t like you, or has issues with men that will become annoying later on. Either way I wouldn’t ask her on a second date.

The guy should of course expect nothing in return – not even a second date. Two drinks buys you nothing but a chance.

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Comment of the Week: 6 Rules of the Pre-Relationship Fuck-Buddy Couple

April 1, 2015

2 Comments

Reader Arielle wrote a nice response to the post How Often Do Fuck Buddies Become Girlfriends?, basically outlining the 6 rules of having a fuck buddy who you might want to turn into a partner some day:

All of my relationships have been fuck buddies that turned into relationships.  Twice I’ve gotten my heart broken because the guy was really emotionally damaged, and it didn’t turn into a relationship.

My recommendations:

1) Go with the flow.  Don’t try to control the direction of everything, and be wary if he’s trying to control it. If he’s trying to set arbitrary rules or limit how much he sees you or the situations you do together, tell him to chill out or get out.

2) Don’t limit the affection.  Be affectionate, sweet, caring, everything that you would be to your close friends.  If you start to feel resentful that you’re not getting more from him, that’s a red flag, and you need to discuss it with him (in person, not text) or pull back.  Don’t let his issues with relationships prevent you from expressing your emotions, expressing romantic feelings, being affectionate, being yourself.  If you feel nervous or shy in his presence or lose your confidence, you need to get over it asap: fuck buddy situations are abusive to anyone who can’t speak their mind, and a guy will lose respect for you and himself if he knows you’re letting him use you.  You need to make it clear that you have a great time with him and would regret not getting to know him better.  If he asks for more, give him a reason for why this arrangement temporarily works right now for you:  you just got out of a relationship, you’re focused on school and just want to have fun, etc.

3) Don’t let your life revolve around him.  If he’s not your boyfriend, then you have to continue to flirt with other guys, talk to other people, plan your living and job situation as if you are single.  Don’t personally rely on his plans in any important way unless you’ve made a commitment.  Don’t let him have all your weekends or time.  You are single unless specifically stated otherwise.  Don’t let him be your only fun thing going on: you have to stay emotionally healthy.  Try not to think too much about him outside of the time you’re seeing him.  Travel on weekend trips without him.

4) Limit last minute sex dates.  Make him plan to see you, and think of fun and interesting things to do.  Cook with him, share music  with him, etc.  If he gets concerned that it’s too much like “boyfriend-girlfriend”, say “Are you enjoying yourself? I don’t want you to feel pressured. I just want to have fun and this was fun.”

5) Make sure you’re always having fun.  If he stops being fun, or isn’t there for you when you need it, then pull out and say, sorry man.

6) Make sure you guys talk like friends in between, and are physically exclusive.  Don’t get an STD from this ish.

The pros of fuck buddy first are that a) you make sure you have awesome chemistry before committing; b) you make sure you guys have great sex before committing;  c) you can get to know who he is/what his apartment looks like, his real self, etc. before you commit to someone that is basically a stranger.  It’s more natural and less contrived.

The cons: Obviously, he might actually not want a relationship.  You might have sex with someone that has a lot of issues and get your feelings hurt. He might not put as much effort in, or feel he owes you anything.

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Comments of the Week: Sexuality Is Fluid

March 25, 2015

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photo via flickr

We loved these two responses this week to our post, “Your Call: I Was Bi, But Now I’m Not Attracted to Men. What Happened?”

The first is from reader (and frequent Comment-of-the-Weeker!) Nikki:

You should look up “fluid.” That might be you. Some people’s sexual orientation shifts over time. In fact, some people identify their sexual orientation as fluid. There is research out there suggesting that fluid sexuality may be far more common than we think, especially among women.

I am sorry you are dealing with depression. As far as your attractions go, I think pointing to the depression is a red herring, or an attempt to pathologize your current lack of attraction to men. There is absolutely nothing wrong with not being attracted to men, even if you used to be. You might become attracted to men in the future, or you might not. You might still be bi, or you might be a lesbian. But don’t let anyone tell you who you should or shouldn’t be attracted to.

And the second is from Dave, another regular around these parts:

Disclaimer: I am not Bi.

However, I know I go through sexual phases. Sometimes I’m more interested in butts & sometimes I’m more interested in boobs. Sometimes I’m thinking about oral sex and sometimes I just want vaginal sex. Sometimes I’m interested in the same thing for a month or two and sometimes I want as much variety as possible.

I think it would be perfectly normal for a bisexual to go through phases as well and a couple of weeks is too short of time to lose your status as bisexual.

To be perfectly honest, after my son was born I was so tired that I barely thought about sex in any way for a month or two and that didn’t make me asexual because I’m back to a fairly normal sex life now.

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Comments of the Week: The Sexual Satisfaction & Compatibility Quiz

March 18, 2015

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photo via Wiki Commons

This week, in response to our Your Call question “My Husband and I Don’t Care That We Don’t Have Much Sex. Should We?“, two of our MVPs were quick on the draw with spot-on answers. First, Nikki wrote:

This sounds like more of the tyranny of “normal.” If you have a happy marriage, and you are both satisfied with the amount of sex that you are having, then you have nothing to worry about. Relationships and sexuality are not a one-size-fits-all proposition.

You are right that sex is important in a relationship, but what I think most of what you’re hearing is leaving out that “sex” really means “sexual satisfaction.” If you and your husband have that, you are in good shape.

The easiest way to put your concerns to rest is to have a frank and honest conversation with your husband. You say you have a trusting relationship, but you don’t mention whether this conversation has ever occurred. If it hasn’t, make sure it does. You can keep it simple: “Honey, I’ve noticed that the amount of sex we have has kind of fallen off over the years. I’m fine with it, and am happy with the way things are, but I want to make sure you are too.” If your husband is also content, you have nothing to worry about. If he misses having more frequent sex, then you can have a conversation about how to make sure his needs are addressed.

Then Johnny added his take:

Sex drive decreases with age. I was borderline priapic in my early 20′s. In my mid 30′s I am noticeably less horny than I was then.

Attractiveness also decreases with age (sorry. I’m not calling you or anyone else unattractive or old. But this is just a universal fact. It happens to everyone). So basically you’ve got two people who aren’t as hot or as horny as they used to be. This is totally normal and is only a problem when –

- attractiveness and horniness decrease at disparate rates between partners

- one partner’s attractiveness and horniness really PLUMMET.

Sounds like you and your husband are actually experiencing the ideal sexual denoument. Again, NOT singling you guys out here – what’s happening to you guys happens to ONE HUNDRED PERCENT OF PEOPLE. You guys just happen to be experiencing this, like so many other things, as a healthy and loving couple. You’re going through it togeter – that’s good. Going through this as individuals is bad.

You’ve had three kids – mission accomplished. Your sex drives did what they’re there for. Anything else is just for fun. And if you both like the same amount of fun – whether that’s more fun or less fun – then great!

You and your husband sound like a great match. Don’t panic.

Based on their excellent responses, we’ve come up with a Sexual Satisfaction & Compatibility Quiz you and your partner can take:

  1. Are you happy together?
  2. Are neither of you complaining?
  3. Are you being honest with yourself?
  4. Are you being honest with your partner?
  5. Are your libidos lagging at similar rates?
  6. Are you aging (in looks) at similar rates?
  7. Have you talked about your sexual satisfaction with each other?
  8. Do you both feel sexually satisfied?

If you’ve both answered yes to five or more questions, then you and your partner are sexually satisfied and should not worry about the amount of sex you have. It’s about quality, not quantity.

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A Better Vocabulary for Bisexuality

March 11, 2015

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Reader David wrote the following in response to our post, “Confession: The Problem with Bisexuality”:

I prefer ‘birelational’ over ‘bisexual’. It is not just about sex. ‘Biromantic’ fits as well. Of course there is always the ‘pansexual’ or ‘panrelational’ or ‘panromantic’ terminology. I don’t think the whole homosexual, heterosexual or bisexual thing is much good for identity. Too confining and objectifying and reductive for people to discuss in such ways.

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Comment of the Week: You Just Cracked Us Up!

March 4, 2015

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We recently received a Facebook message that warmed the cockles of our hearts, and since we’re totally shameless when it comes to self-promotion, we thought we’d share it with you. Gerry, you made our month!

Dear Em & Lo,

I’m writing to tell you that I just finished laughing so hard, I’m pretty sure it wasn’t good for my health…after reading your 2003 book, “Position of the Day,” first by myself, then with my wife, the lovely Kathy. We’re both 60, so we’re glad we read the intro, but only after getting about halfway through the ridiculously funny titles of each position. Oh man..I mean oh woman…no, oh man sounds better. Anyway, that kind of laughter deserves a thank you. To make a short story long, I have no idea where this book came from: I found it in my writing room over the holidays and none of my four adult children have ‘fessed up. I have tested just reading the daily position names over the phone to friends and even without the “diagrams” they have had me and my friends snorting. It’s not pretty when 60 year olds are snorting, I’m going to tell you! Thank you ladies.

Gerry

Sadly, we don’t get any royalties from the book this reader mentions (since it was a Nerve.com book back when we were on staff there), so if you want a fun and funny book by us, we’d recommend our more timely “150 Shades of Play.” (We can’t help the plugs, they just happen!)

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How to Have Kinky Sex with Your Vanilla Husband

February 25, 2015

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photo via Wikimedia Commons

Reader subgirl said the following in response to our post, “He’s Kinky, She’s Vanilla, Is the Relationship Doomed?“  Heads up, everyone in a mixed-cone, chocolate-swirl-slash-vanilla relationship, there is hope!

I am a submissive woman and I have a wonderful vanill-ish husband who plays along with me. We communicate our needs to one another. Anyone who tells you this is only about humiliation and degradation and weak women getting walked on like door mats has watched too much porn. Absolutely be true to yourself. I could not agree more with that statement.

BUT if you’re going to agree to get involved with a kinky partner then please, for the love of god, go learn something about it. There are many books on the subject.

Do not ever take another person’s fantasies and make them your own. If you are open to exploring, then try to discover your own fantasies, likes and dislikes, and then communicate them. And any Dom worth a squat will want you to learn, on your own, from many sources.

The lifestyle can actually make a relationship very close and intimate if you learn about it, work it like a journey, and open up communication with your partner. You do not ever have to be into pain or bondage to be involved in the lifestyle.

And I am anything but a mindless door mat.

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Comment of the Month: Do NOT Try This at Home!

February 18, 2015

1 Comment

We’ve gotten some outrageous letters over the years: one from the guy asking us if he could get STDs from the corpses he was having sex with at the morgue; another from a couple inquiring how they could get their German Shepard to have consensual sex with the woman while the man watched. We try to make this a judgment-free zone, but sometimes it’s impossible. Once in a while, the occasional reader seem just plain nuts. Are they for real? Who knows. Are they crazy in one way or another? Most definitely. 

It’s been a while since we’ve gotten a genuine, draw-dropping head scratcher. But the following comment from the dubiously named “Mystery Tomcat” deserves a space in our Hall of Infamy. Is he for real? We hope not. Is he insane? At least a smidge. Either way, our publication of his comment is intended for entertainment purposes only. By featuring his letter, we are not endorsing or condoning his behavior. This is NOT an instruction manual for would-be DIYers! Medical procedures should always be done by actual, trained doctors.

Despite his “happy ending,” we still think this can be read as a cautionary tale about focusing too much on one’s perceived “imperfections” instead of appreciating and working with what you’ve got:

“Way down under in Melbourne, Australia is the story of a tightly done male adult circumcision of the ultimate kind. You’ll never believe the story … or will you?

Around 17 years ago, I became aware that circumcision was of interest to me. How to go about it ? What an embarrassment, how to sneak into a Doctor cost etc. I became more and more frustrated, as I knew I wanted it done. Australia is a hot climate too and I wanted a slick model penis, not a sock, at half mast. I had learnt from school that I was bisexual, I would use the odd opportunity to check out and occasionally talk another classmate into pulling down his pants and letting me give him oral sex. Both circumcised and uncircumcised, although I didn’t know what circumcision was then, I was only ten ! We start pretty early in Australia !

Anyway back to circumcision. I became more and more, frustrated and there didn’t seem to be a way of resolving the issue. Then I had a bereavement in the family. If I couldn’t solve this simple problem… It was a question of honor.

So what I did may surprise many. I am an everyday kind of bloke, a family now, job and the rest of it. So don’t be too shocked. Where there is a will there is a way.

I had been researching on the net at the time and I was reading and seeing pics of tribal and African circumcisions. There are great stories of the Tuli in the Philippines and also teens putting their penis on a log with a piece of twine and the elder slicing off the foreskin, high and tight, leaving a terrific red patched scar.

I decided after much viewing and research that this is what I wanted. I was a bit far from the Philippines and Africa, so this is what happened.

One long weekend when there was a Public holiday, I decided to have a go myself. This is not for the faint hearted.

On the Friday night, I did the usual, a few beers then came home. I opened a bottle of white wine and proceeded to watch an x-rated video. Of course with a long ring barked cock or two. After a while I was ready. A bit of popper amyl and I was more or less ready to have a go. At circumcision.

I knew the skin would be sensitive, so I had purchased from an adult store, delay spray. This I think had lidocaine like when you get Suntan mozzie burns cream from the supermarket only stronger. I applied it to my foreskin until the end of my cock felt number, than usual. Another drink and some poppers, a look at the tightly taut scarred cocks on the TV screen and it was time. Time to join the rest of my male brothers on the planet with a permanently forever nude glans and a stripped pointed helmety penis. Intention purple glans to always lead the way, from that night on or else.

I sized and drew a line working out where to cut and checked this out numerous times. Another drink, more amyl and an inspection of the video playing and I was ready.

I took a very sharp pair a medium size sewing scissors and sat down. Carefully lining them up, I very slowly, and I mean really really slowly, put them through the line on the foreskin I had drawn. I had already pulled the foreskin as hard as I ever could in front of my glans.

Slowly but surely I got the job done. Everything dropped back behind my glans and my foreskin lay on a tissue. A dream come true. I couldn’t believe my absolute relief and satisfaction.

All this time later nearly two decades on, I am still happy. A couple a days later, I consulted a friendly doctor and some stitches were added on the quiet to complete the job.

Result is I have a very tightly circumcised penis, with absolutely no frenulum or foreskin.

The absolute tightest male circumcision possible, for myself and any partner I should choose, whether it be female or male. Amazingly there is no two tone scar and the circumcision join is one color and height. No different levels of skin height or misalignment.

Nature really does like male circumcision.”



Why I Told My Boyfriend He Could Marry My Daughter

January 28, 2015

1 Comment

Something’s Gotta Give: Jack Nicholson chooses mother over daughter

Reader Momma wrote the following in response to our post, “Your Call: When Your Partner’s Fantasies Are Seriously Disturbing.” Before leaping to judgment, dear readers, consider this: The couple below can talk about anything. They trust each other completely, and this has led to them being completely honest with each other… which has led to a stable, solid, awesome, committed, enjoyably sexual relationship. They get that fantasies are just that: fantasies. Sure, we don’t exactly condone the idea of offering up your blessing regarding your adult daughter’s marital state — but, hey, it works for them! So long as everything is honest and ethical and consensual and legal, who are we — and you, too, reader — to judge?!

My boyfriend of more than a decade admitted to me that he has fantasized about being with my adult daughters. Yes, they are extremely beautiful. Yes, we love each other. No, he would never ACT on those fantasies. Yes, we have openly discussed the fact. No, it is not a “taboo” fetish. Yes, it apparently does have something to do with the fact that my daughters are part of me.

He has never been an iota’s worth of disrespectful towards my children. He has always been immensely supportive and loving and careful to maintain appropriate boundaries.

We communicate about everything sexual, including our fantasies without filters and without judgment.

After he told me this I asked him if he preferred a younger woman. He emphatically denied that. I told him that if that was so, since my adult daughters were single (at the time), and if they so chose, I would bless their union should one of them wish to marry him. That did not (and will not) happen, and he never mentioned it again other than to once say how deeply touched he was that I loved him enough to say that…and that he never wants to lose me.

Men!

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