photo by Leandro Martinez

We’re not taking sides on this debate (yet!), but we did like Dannie’s analogy where she compares penis prejudice to a man refusing to sleep with a woman whose inner labia hang lower than the outer. And the debate rages on…

When erect, an uncircumcised penis looks pretty much the same as a circumcised penis, and the foreskin provides comfort benefits to the woman involved in intercourse as well. Which leaves only the aesthetic of the flaccid penis to be your criterium for whom you will and will not sleep with. Sorry, but that seems a bit shallow to me. And as for my personal preference, I find nothing aesthetically attractive about a penis that has a strip of skin missing at the glans — but even so, that wouldn’t prevent me from judging a person’s potential for sex based solely on that little personal physical preference.

Also, a man has a right to decide what he wants to do with his body — a woman’s/partner’s preferences shouldn’t weigh in on his own personal comfort and satisfaction. I mean, a woman with her labia minora extending past her labia majora shouldn’t have her inner labia trimmed just because a man thinks it looks bad. She’d be losing precious nerves, protective tissue, and risking awful complications. Sound familiar? It should be the informed, consenting adult man’s choice. Period.

– Dannie, responding to the post “Dear Dr. Joe, What Do You Think About Circumcision?”

photo by Lara64

We received the following in response to our Metro article on negotiating a night of casual sex. Sometimes, it’s the hate mail that brings us the most joy:

I read your “article” in Metro this morning. Ironically I NEVER read that rag but for some reason I did this morning and I’m glad…it is critical to know who your enemies are and there you were “Negotiating for a Night of Casual Sex”. Ladies, please…this city, the internet and the world at large is filled with single women looking for relationships and not succeeding for many reasons not the least of which is the availability of casual sex. Shame and guilt have their place in this world, they are functional and who the hell are you to liberate anyone of those powerful and functional emotions. Sex is one of the universe’s most powerful and generous gifts and who are you to drag it through the muck? Seriously, who are you women? Don’t answer me, that is a question for you to answer in the privacy of your own heart and mind.

If you have no interest in seeing a person in the context of a relationship, you have no business engaging in sex with them-end of story. The extent of the damage you cause with your “perspective” and sharing it is beyond your comprehension.

Please consider what I’m saying, I suspect I’m not in the minority although I suspect you think I am.

I believe you owe us all an apology.

Very sincerely,
Jill

photo by smulligannn

I reckon that as well as part of the sexuality pie we share with our partners, we all still have slices that belong to us as an individual. Perhaps if you feel his personal slice is way outweighing the slice you’re sharing as a couple, just have a good old wank yourself!

Take the opportunity to get back in touch with your own slice of me-sex. And then drop it into conversation, or leave the evidence (dildo) lying around. See what he thinks. If he’s like “Haaaaay! Why you no have sexy time with me baybee?” then it might be an opening for you to talk about what your sex time with or without each other means, hence an opportunity for you to talk about how you feel about his self-lovin’ habits.

But it could go the other way. You drop a little “Honey, I was just massaging my G-spot earlier and I started to wonder whether I’ve been wetter recently than I used to be? What do you reckon?” Oh boy, that kinda thing is sure to get him all wanting to touch you and eat you up and shit.

Playing with yourself without your partner can be a lot like foreplay I reckon, as long as you’re both comfortable with it and you at least leave a good slice left for them. It can be fantastic if you masturbate but don’t let yourself come, just keep having little me-times but wait for the together time for the Big Bang.

– Diz, responding to the post “Wise Guys – Should I Worry If He Masturbates More Than We Have Sex?”

photo by Ollie Crafoord

When it comes to pubic grooming, whatever makes you feel sexy and confident is what you should do. But in an age when the majority people feel hair removal is a moral imperative — that you’re skanky and lazy if you don’t — you may feel like you don’t have much choice in the matter. Which is why it’s nice to hear from the minority from time to time:

Glad this has come up! I have been absolutely mystified why removing one’s pubic hair could ever be thought of as sexy! Back in the 70’s many women were  fighting with the docs to NOT shave us when we gave birth as it was viewed by us to be degrading and about men wanting us to look like children, it did not reduce infection rates, but INCREASED them; we interpret the practice as one of an attempt to DE-sex us. It was an issue of who controlled our bodies. We thought that guys who were into their women sporting what are now called “brazillians” were closet pedophiles, and we were horrified. We were comfortable with our bodies; pubic hair our southern crowning glory…the curls that we and our lovers toyed with, the shine, the “real” blondes, not wearing panties and feeling the sexiness of the feel of summer breezes tickling our airy furbelows. Razor stubble, wax burns and red infected skin bumps are NOT sexy. The time it takes could be put to better use pleasuring ourselves or our lovers; that part of our body should be treated to as much pleasure and fun as possible. Waxing, shaving lasering = NOT FUN.

– Anais commenting on the post What Do Guys Think of Au Naturel?

We couldn’t agree more with Jenn’s comment below. So here’s another question: For the porn-curious who don’t want to wade through thousands of titles to make the distinction, is there a short-cut to finding porn that IS fair to all those involved?

Why does porn always have to be one or the other? It’s like saying art is good or art is bad. There are thousands of types and millions of examples. Some/most porn is degrading and some porn is fair to all those involved. I feel like we need to understand what is IN the porn rather than the fact that something IS porn.

– Jenn, commenting on “Porn – Harmless Fun or Negative Culture Shaper?”

Bend Over Beginner Kit available from EdenFantasys.com

Yep, the strap-on post continues to rake in the comments! Today’s featured comment is #210 out of a total of 214 (and counting) responses to the original post. (Only another 70 comments or so to go to catch up with the small penis post!)

I asked the girlfriend to do this for me, and out of love she did. At first she was at unease thinking that I might be gay or somesuch. It was relatively early on in the relationship and we were only beginning to explore our sexuality. I explained that I’d messed around back there with a toy that I’d bought and realized that it felt damn fantastic. I openly admitted I also like to be physically dominated by her (or rather had fantasies of such). I took a risk in telling her this, and doing so definitely brought about a weird vibe between us for a while. However, we already had a good degree of trust established between us, and only for that it certainly could have ended there.

She decided to give me what I wanted . . . She did not get off on the idea nor the physical sensation for the first few times. It was only when we did invest in a proper strap-on + dildo + bullet viabrator that she could begin to get some good physical sensation from it. She did admit though she quickly liked being the dominant partner sometimes, and that it got her aroused in ways never experienced before.

A year and a few months on from that we often look back and laugh at how naive we were about it all.It doesn’t seem like that big of a deal anymore.

If you’re a guy reading this and wondering whether to let your girlfriend try this on you… I’d recommend reading up on the prostate and playing with it yourself. The only thing left stopping you now are probably insecurities and homophobia, and if so, they are the cause of you missing out on a hole load of phun.

If you’re a girl reading this wondering what the is wrong with your boyfriend… I ask, what is wrong with you?

– ShadyAnonymousCharacter, responding to “Confession: I Want to Do My Boyfriend with a Strap-On”

Last week we wrote a post about our friend’s new guilty pleasure book, Sex Degrees of Separation: The Ultimate Guide to Celebrity Relationships, which sparked an amusing exchange between regular EMandLO.com commenter Johnny and the author of the book, Irad Eyal:

1. 

   Johnny Says:
   July 9th, 2010 at 1:46 pm Ah jeez. As if Americans weren’t dumb and nosy enough already, now they can buy a book about the sex lives of people they don’t know. This is the intellectual equivalent of McDonald’s. I can’t for the life of me imagine why anyone would care about this, let alone spend money on it. For shame.

2. 
   Irad Says:
   July 9th, 2010 at 8:29 pm Johnny, admit that you’ve eaten a Chicken McNugget and liked it! Seriously though, your rant disguises an interesting question— why are we so into celebrity sex gossip? Evolutionary psychologists think we really care about celebrities having BABIES and that the sex is just the precursor to that. Check out this article: http://slate.msn.com/id/2091502

3. 
   Johnny Says:
   July 10th, 2010 at 11:44 am Ok, touche. I’ve eaten chicken nuggets and liked it. But it’s an indulgence, not a vice. Unlike the average 250 lb American, I eat chicken nuggets once in a blue moon. Most folks subsist on it entirely. Take one look at Americans, and it’s plain to see: they don’t know what’s good for them, and have a strong preference for what’s worst for them. Same with celebrity gossip. I guarantee you the average American knows more Paris Hilton’s sex life than they do about their state budget, or their nation’s relationship to it’s allies and foes. I just have a problem with that. Although I guess other people’s consumption choices won’t be any of my business for at least another few years, when my fellow countrymen are too obese and dumb to get anything done and I have to move.  As for ev psych, I consider it interesting in a for-entertainment-purposes-only kind of way. I take it about as seriously as, say, astrology. Seems people always bust that out when they want a genetically-supported excuse for low behavior. Like how seduction community guys say they cheat on their girlfriends because of their deep-rooted cave man impulses. I just don’t buy it.

4. 
   Irad Says:
   July 12th, 2010 at 5:21 pm You’re right about the Paris Hilton vs. State Budget knowledge but you could just as easily say that people know more about their nephews and nieces than they do about the Attorney General (quiz for readers– name him in 3… 2… 1…). Celebrities are part of our family. We root for them, we’re ashamed by them, and we’re in all their business. That’s what the evolutionary psych article was about. Since we’ve lost our extended neighborhood and familial connections, a celebrity is the stand-in we all agree to gossip about like our slutty aunt or uncle.

5. 
   johnny Says:
   July 13th, 2010 at 8:48 am Maybe I’m just riled up because of a traumatic memory:  Back in high school a friend of mine had the bright idea to play “sex degrees of separation” with people in our class. The game built steam, and I was soon outed as having gotten a BJ from the most promiscuous girl in school, which, for some purile reason, I had lied to my girlfriend about. She was jealous and angry at me. I will try to examine this topic more dispassionately.

6. 

   Irad Says:
   July 13th, 2010 at 2:24 pm LOL. Got it. Yes, there are some games that are better left played by professionals. At least they’re compensated for the infamy.

Toys are great for an older couple who want to try something new and exciting. We have been married 36 years. Due to a number of health issues and powerful medications, my equipment doesn’t work well anymore. My self esteem was rock bottom. One day as I was driving by an adult shop, I stopped in (extremely out of character for me) and purchased some toys. That evening I surprised my wife and we had more fun than we’ve had in years! We are both very happy with new ways to enjoy wild sex. My wife can’t believe the change in me and she is thrilled! If you are thinking about it, don’t wait another minute; go for it! If you are embarrased or shy, get over it. It could open up a whole new world! We wear glasses, hearing aids, have artificial joints, pacemakers and other “equipment” to enhance our health and our lives. Why is this any different?

– olddude, in “Wise Guys: What Do Men Think About Sex Toys in Bed?”

photo by kwimsnr

Why is there no option for “Yes, morning breath is never a problem for me or my partner”? What’s wrong with this world that we have to sterilize everything about ourselves, even the idea that our breath might not be naturally minty fresh. My partner and I spend hours in bed in the morning kissing, making love, and speaking clearly to one another without holding our noses. Why isn’t that an option in this “poll”?

– Maudette, in response to “Poll: Do You French Kiss When You Wake Up?”

photo by prakhar

The following two comments were in response to “Your Call: He’s Kinky, She’s Vanilla — Is the Relationship Doomed?”

It’s Doomed, Says Amanda:

I have a guy friend in this situation. He is kinky, she is not. His experience makes me think you are probably a bit doomed. I asked him as a fellow kinkster how vanilla was working out for him. Initially he thought it was fine, he could give that up for a great girl, but it slowly wore on him. When she wanted to spice things up, his ideas were not well received to say the least. She had zero interest in his kinks.

So instead he substitutes with among other things a secret online personal ad (that says he is single, btw) he checks daily. It’s good that you are okay with his porn, but it can move beyond that and he will keep it from you.

Also, as someone who is into BDSM (but by no means a die hard) I will tell you those fantasies and desires never go away. Mine ebb and flow, but the idea of never being able to indulge that part of my sexuality again? That would be hell. If he has engaged in BDSM in person (i.e., not just online or porn), I can tell you it’s not something that is going to go away for him. Consequently the elephant isn’t going away.

If kink or anything else in your sexual relationship is already causing a disconnect ,it’s probably doomed. Sexual chemistry is what makes a relationship, not just a friendship. So what happens when you are a year in? Or two? When all that stupidly happy newness wears off. Are you guys really going to be able to (pardon the cliche) keep things hot in the bedroom if you can’t even agree on what’s hot?

– Amanda

Not Necessarily, Says Spes:

Friendship, not sex, is what keeps a relationship strong for 50+ years. Also, sometimes, though rarely, those kinks do go away, but not because they’re being denied or repressed — it’s an internal issue. I found myself in the awkward position of having the man who awoke my love of kink suddenly lose his interest in it. And when one loves to sub, it’s just plain weird to suddenly have to take the upper hand.

I agree with Paul and Johnny, talk to your S.O., consider some super soft BDSM play, and do just that play! Run naked giggling around the house and then let him catch you and put some loose fluffy cuffs around you wrists. Remember that dominating has everything to do with power play, so just the satisfaction that he knows precisely how to make you squirm with pleasure may be enough in and of itself for him. Doms don’t just humiliate and beat their partners, many also love to toy with their partners through pleasure not pain. And bear in mind this: in BDSM, the sub is really the one with the true power; they ultimately determine and set the boundaries of the dom. At their word (or other signal) they have the power to stop everything cold.

– Spes