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Extra-Marital Sex: Ask for Permission, Not Forgiveness

July 16, 2014

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Reader Vixen told the following cautionary tale in response to our post, “Your Call – He’s Kinky, She’s Vanilla, Is the Relationship Doomed?” Remember, dear readers: Most people find it easier to get over infidelity than dishonesty in their spouse. The sooner you say something — preferably before you actually cheat — the better.

My spouse of 15 years has just told me that he has been cheating on me for years and doesn’t love any of the other women, still loves me, but wants an open marriage.

For a few years, his bedroom fantasies have been kinky, and he said he wanted to ‘share me.’ I agreed to these fantasies only in the bedroom. I thought that is what his desires were, just fantasies. They didn’t do it for me, but I desired to be intimate with him, so I entertained them. He has a high stress career and is always told what to do, so I figured he needed a little Dom control to cope.

We never had a conversation about his desires. Or mine, which I guess are vanilla. Although I do think, had he communicated with me, he might have seen I have some vixen in me, too. So he went outside of our marriage to act out his fantasies, yet, he still doesn’t seem happy.

He recently met a married woman on Ashley Madison and had a couple of “angry sex” encounters. Her husband found out and informed me. It is a mess. Now we are separating. I hope he will agree to counseling. He said he did not feel this way until 8 years into our marriage when our daughter was about to be born. I wonder why he didn’t just talk to me about his feelings or ask for a divorce then? I would have been crushed, but now 7 years later am just beyond words devastated.

I have stuck by him, and I thought we were friends, as well. Now I have lost my husband and my friend. I am wondering if all of this behavior change could be PTSD, sex addiction, fear of retirement, mid-life crisis, and alcoholism. He said he was sorry that he hurt me with the affairs, but was not sorry he had the affairs. He did finally admit to being an alcoholic.

All he is thinking about is himself. And to think that I have laid awake at night wanting him and he claimed he was too tired. And our little girl wanted to spend time with him and he was too tired. Yet, he had alter-ego. He has always been the most level-headed, soft spoken man. None of this makes sense. I want to help him, but I feel so betrayed and unattractive.

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Comment of the Week: Top 4 Reasons Why Guys Turn Down Casual Sex

July 9, 2014

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Our MVP, reader & contributor Johnny, does it again — this time in response to our post “Wise Guys: Do Men Ever Turn Down Casual Sex?” What we really like is how the genders in this comment could be switched and the points would still be relevant (just switch “prove our manhood” to “prove our attractiveness”):

Sure, men turn down casual sex. We do it because:

  • We’re being faithful to a partner
  • We’re not attracted to the woman
  • We like the idea of casual sex, but the reality fills us with fear and anxiety (something most men won’t openly admit).
  • We already hit that and aren’t interested anymore.

Much more shocking is how frequently men accept casual sex despite being almost totally disinterested. We do that:

  • To prove our manhood
  • Because we’ll take what we can get in times of scarcity
  • To momentarily forget our pain over another woman
  • Because we just can’t stand to see a woman’s sad face when we reject her.

Guys should really turn down casual sex more, if anything.

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Comment of the Week: How to Know If Porn Is a Deal Breaker

July 2, 2014

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Reader misspiggy said the following in response to our post, Wise Guys: My Girlfriend Says Porn Is a Dealbreaker, Is She Right?

I think the guy should talk it through with his girlfriend and find out if her issue is with the ethics of porn production, or the whole concept of porn itself.

If it’s the former, she needs to educate herself, starting with a thorough read of Stoya’s Tumblr. There is plenty of porn, and plenty of areas of the porn industry, which are not misogynistic. It may be possible for the boyfriend and girlfriend to agree some parameters for porn which does actually meet her feminist standards.

If it’s the latter – she’s grossed out by the idea of porn – he needs to make it clear that her negative view of male sexuality is a deal breaker for him.

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Comment of the Week: Porn Is No Biggie

June 18, 2014

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photo via Flickr

Reader Jessica wrote the following in response to our post, ”Wise Guys: He Looks at Other Women But Gets Jealous If I Ogle Men“:

I used to be one of those women, when I was younger, who would fly off the handle if I saw my boyfriend looking at another woman. After going through a terrible marriage, I realize there are far worse things out there your man could do.  As long as my boyfriend doesn’t stare for a longer period of time than normal, or try and talk or smile at the other women, I’m o.k.  Let’s be real ladies, we look at men just as much as men look at women and our “girl talks” would make any man blush if they knew what we talked about. I enjoy admiring a beautiful woman, too.  Women are physically beautiful and so are men.  Porn is healthy, get over it.  My boyfriend and I enjoy it together and when we are apart.  If you restrict someone so much, they are going to do something far worse then watch porn.  So ladies lighten up a bit and enjoy your man.  As long as he isn’t cheating on you or lying, you have a good one.

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Comment of the Week: Missing My Wife Is Not “Immature”

June 4, 2014

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photo via flickr

Reader Stephen wrote the following in response to our post, “Your Call – Why Is My Husband Jealous of My Female Friendships?”

I struggle with this as well. I too am over the age of 50, and don’t consider it “acting like a 3 year old”. After 20 years of marriage and multiple children, it seems that my wife (my best friend; no one else even comes close) takes the depth of our friendship for granted. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that she doesn’t love me, but she certainly gets more enjoyment out of her phone calls/texting/facebooking with girlfriends than she does with me. Is it really that unreasonable for me to be jealous of the fact that I am no longer the recipient of the intimacy and affection of our best-friend conversations?

I assure you that I am still affectionate with my wife, and let her know I love her on a regular basis, so this isn’t a one-sided situation. I’m not denying her her friendships, but at the same time I think that I deserve to be more than “the other parent” and business partner. Ladies, do you really consider that immature and needy?

From where I sit, I see my wife as being neglectful of our relationship, and only sees me as the person that helps discipline the kids, and work the business. I’ve lost the “friend & confidant” role in our friendship, and I truly miss that. It’s been “outsourced”. Apparently girlfriends do that better, and according to the women in this forum, trying to have an open, communicative conversation about it with my wife will only make me less desirable to her. So where does that leave me?

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Comment of the Week: Normal Schmormal!

May 28, 2014

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Reader Dave wrote the following in response to the Your Call “Is It Normal to Not Want Sex?”, but it’s so spot on we think it could apply to almost any sexual preference:

I think you are asking the wrong question.  The question should never be “Am I normal?”  The question should be “Are you happy the way you are?”

I don’t care if you are into girls or into guys.  I don’t care if both sexes turn you on or neither do.  If you are happy with your life then there is no reason for you to change.

Only if you are unhappy should you change and don’t let “normal” affect your happiness because if we were all normal the world would be a really boring place.

Find what makes you happy.

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Comment of the Week: Top 10 Naughty Pic Tips

May 21, 2014

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photo via flickr

Reader Gerald Massey wrote the following in response to our oldie-but-goodie post, “Top 10 Tips for Taking Naughty Pics” (we couldn’t resist annotating a handful of them!):

I am a hobbyist photographer of basic themes — landscapes, architecture, events — but I have been studying naughty photography, as I have come to know it, for some time on my own. Here are my pointers:

1. No vagina at all in the picture — cover it with clothing, a ball or other object, a towel, or even other body parts like a leg pulled up.

2. For breast shots, even when clothed, gravity can destroy a shot. Do not lean or lay flat: When standing or sitting, lean forward about 10-20 degrees. [ED: We guess this all depends on the kind of look you're going for...]

3. High heel shoes are a must — ear jewelery also. [ED: Er, we beg to differ!]

4. No cell phone shots — you don’t have good controls with a cell phone.

5. A digital camera with a self timer and a tripod is a have to requirement.

6. Someone else should always take the pictures.

7. Basic photography rule of thumb: Don’t take just one picture, take many shots — several hundred is okay.

8. Completely nude is not a good shot . Try covering body parts, or shooting from behind.

9. Mr. Google is great for tips and suggestions and ideas of views and angles.

10. I repeat: Use clothing! [ED: Yes, a tease is usually sexier than full frontal.]

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My Wheelchair Isn’t There to Make You Feel Better About Your Breakup

May 12, 2014

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photo via flickr

We recently published a post titled, “10 Things That Feel Better Than Getting Revenge On An Ex.” It was meant to be a feel good, git ‘er done kind of list, to help you move on from a crappy, undeserving ex. Entry #2 on our list was “Be a Better Person,” and we explained it this way: “Volunteer somewhere. Because nothing puts your own problems in perspective like helping out people who are even less fortunate than you are. You know, people who fought for their country and ended up in a wheelchair…”

Reader J. correctly took us to task, in the comment published below — instead of a Comment of the Week, consider this our Mea Culpa of the Week (though we hope this won’t be a weekly occurrence!). Our sincere apologies, we never meant to imply that people in wheelchairs exist simply to make the recently heartbroken feel better about their loss, or to provide some kind of sorely needed perspective. We’ll work on locating that missing sensitivity chip…

As a wheelchair user, I have to say, it’s not the end of the world. In fact, serving our country benefits those who are injured, because the insurance is amazing. Lots of people in wheelchairs have great lives and can feel just as sorry for you as you would for them. Either way, it gets you nowhere.

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How Open Relationships Cure Jealousy

May 7, 2014

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Reader Kristinopolis (who has written in other posts on our site about her experience with open relationships) said the following in response to our post, “Can Open Relationships Cure Jealousy?”

I know why it works. When you are committed to one person, everyone else becomes ‘unattainable’ or maybe ‘unloveable’ in a way. Then there’s the typical wanting what you can’t have, which will breed jealously. If you are open, you can have big trust, because you know if they didn’t want to be by your side, they wouldn’t be. And you also allow them to pursue and focus on their own happiness. In this game, honesty and communication is key. It’s like an investment and a beautiful gamble all in one.

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Every Straight Guy Should Be Sexually Harassed by a Gay Guy Once

April 30, 2014

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photo via Flickr

Our Comment of the Week is from MVP Johnny, in response to the question asked by a gay man, ”How Do I Subtly Find Out My Straight Friend’s Penis Size?“:

Can I presume that sexual attraction, rather than locker-room bro curiosity, has piqued your interest?

Don’t do it, dude. That’s the sort of thing that makes open-minded straight guys not want to be friends with gay guys anymore.

You’re going to creep the guy out. Just whack off to your straight friend, and in your fantasies, his dick can be whatever size you want it to be.

… There is a silver lining to situations like this, though: getting creeped on by gay guys teaches straight guys a valuable lesson in what it’s like.

Thanks to a small handful of inappropriate gay guys, I know what it’s like to be sexually harassed. I know what it’s like to get a totally out-of-line sexual proposition from a grown man. Sometimes when you’re alone, sometimes when it’s dark out.

It’s disgusting and potentially scary. It taught me a lot about what women must go through. Think it’s flattering when you make comments about her body, or how horny she makes you? Think she secretly likes the attention when you hit on her for the tenth time, or when a guy looks her up and down, sneers, and goes, “daaayuum, dat asssss…”? Think again. It makes your skin crawl.

It’s something every straight guy should go through at least once, as sensitivity training. You know what? Fuck it. Ask your straight friend about his dick. It may end your friendship, but you’ll be doing a public service by enlightening the guy.

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