In response to our post “The Ten Worst Things You Can Say in Bed,” reader Walt Whitman wrote the following. And we have to say: he makes an excellent point!

I take minor issue with #10. ["Did you come?"] I think it’s a bit romantic to presume that one’s partner will simply know whether the other has climaxed. Speaking purely in terms of my own (straight) relationship, I often ask whether or not my girlfriend came, not because I’m clueless but because I want to develop exactly the kind of keen sense your rule presumes.

Sometimes the answer is so obvious that the question would be pointless, but other times the line between orgasm and “almost” is very thin.

Granted, the question can be annoying, especially if it’s asked merely to place a period at the end of the sex sentence (Jesus, the sick ways that that metaphor could mix…), or to satisfy insecurity.

Communication being so essential to the Em & Lo sexual satisfaction program, however, I think we can be a bit more lenient with this particular question.

And yes, I did.

In response to the “Your Call” about whether the stepfather whose stepdaughter told him in confidence that she was sexually active had an obligation to his wife to let her know, regular EMandLO.com commenter and Wise Guy Figleaf offered up some advice that confirms he’s one of the most thoughtful, reasonable and helpful people around these here parts. (Btw, Ape’s answer the day before Figleaf’s was spot-on, in our opinion, but Figleaf’s just took it that extra mile to secure the “comment of the week” spot):

While every former-peer-counselor and privacy-respecting bone in my body says don’t share something you’ve been told in confidence, and while I agree strongly with Ape that if you’re her parent and you’re parenting in good faith that should be sufficient, the problem is that you’re not just a parent, you’re a partner.

If your partner views you withholding that information as a relationship deal-breaker then you face the loss not only of contact with your partner but also of contact with her daughter, given that it’s almost inconceivable that she wouldn’t follow her mother should her mother leave you.

I don’t and probably can’t know your family’s details — how long you’ve been a parent to your step-daughter, how “proprietary” your partner is about her, what your partner’s relationship with her daughter is, etc.  So there could be exceptional circumstances here…

But here’s what I’m going to strongly recommend.

First, urge your step-daughter to tell her mom.  Offer to be supportive.  Offer to “war-game” it with her.  Offer your perspective on your partner’s likely reaction.  Determine if she feels she has real cause for fear or if she’s just working on ordinary teen embarrassment.  I mean think about it, if your partner’s got any kind of perspective at all then she, like a lot of “blustery” parents, is unlikely to flip out, send her daughter to a convent, and so on because she’s become sexual.

Second, if the first thing just isn’t going to go, then it’s time to have a conversation with your partner about her and your boundaries about her daughter.  See if you can get a realistic assessment of her level of trust in you.  Because as Ape says she really might be fine with your authentic parenting decision.  On the other hand, if she’s not then it’s going to be a hard choice, and you might have to work very hard on the in-family diplomacy, but you really do have an obligation to let your partner know.

One last thing.  There’s a phenomenon in a lot of families where one parent or the other will be dominating to the point that his or her partner becomes effectively a co-sibling or other kind of ally with the children.  One consequence of that dynamic is that it becomes extremely easy to share secrets and otherwise sort of passive/aggressively undermine the other parent’s authority.  Considerable evidence (including direct observation on my part) suggests this almost never turns out well in the end.  It’s tempting, it’s easy, but it’s also dangerous and lazy.  I’ve already said I don’t know your family dynamics so I’m not accusing you of participating in this dynamic at all.  But!  If you feel that might be happening (and you don’t always notice at first) then there’s a responsibility to one’s partner, one’s self, and most importantly one’s family to “man up,” or “woman up” and re-open those closed power/communication channels.  Again, the alternative is that things generally don’t end well.

photo via Flickr

In response to the post “Question of the Week: What’s Your Number?” reader Dannie says the following:

Honestly, I feel more pressure to lie about my number because I’ve only slept with one person, and plan to. When I say this, I typically have to defend my choice: no, I don’t feel like I’m “missing out;” no, I don’t think sleeping with more men would make me wiser or mature; yes, I really do feel satisfied and, after four years of great sex, predict that such feelings will continue. I know in my mother’s generation it was sort of a goal, but now, if you haven’t slept with more than one person, people act like you’re missing something big and that you’re a total prudish, backward (probably *gasp* Christian!), limited human being. I’m not any of those things. I think having as many partners as you want is a wonderful thing, be it none or two hundred. For me, at this point in time, I want one. I have one. I’m happy. And this long tirade is just proof of how, again, I felt the need to defend myself. But that was basically my point.

Comments of the week don’t necessarily reflect our personal opinions — sometimes it’s simply a thoughtful response that we think merits further discussion. This week, in response to the post “Wise Guys: Is Sex on a First Date a Relationship Killer?” reader William says this:

Why would you want to have sex on the first date if you are looking for a LTR?  If you want sex; own up to it and don’t say you are looking for a LTR. The message it sends is totally wrong for a LTR.  Would you not wonder if the other party is having sex on other first dates that they go on?  There is no way to know how much you are really going to like a person until you have had a chance to spend some time with them and learn about them.

I personally think for a relationship to work you need to find out if they share your core values.  Ultimately do they want to get married? Do they like kids and want kids?  If you are going to be a couple, will they give up their personal privacy if that is what you want?

New acquaintances can seem very intriguing but that feeling can also fade very quickly once you start learning more about a person.  If you are TRULY looking for LTR … don’t rush to have sex … as the feelings sex will generate will most likely convolute how you truly like the person  …  and you will be left feeling hurt when ultimately the relationship does not work out.

John Bender, in response to the post “10 Reasons Your ‘Ugly Vagina’ Is Normal and Gorgeous”:

I am almost 60 years old. I have been with a fair amount of woman in my life. All colors and persuasions. I have never seen a vagina that I did not grow to love and adore. Because it was a part of the woman I had grown to love and adore.

Occasionally a few had very strong aroma, but it was usually a medical condition from poor body chemistry balanced (caused by diet or stress) or a yeast infection. I always gently discussed with my girlfriend and with a little attention the issue was resolved.

Other than that long lips, small lips, large amount of hair, sparse hair, I never consider this organ could ever be considered “ugly”.

NOTE: The current trend to shave the vulva totally turns me off. I don’t want to be with a prepubescent girl I want to be with a woman. And the 5 o’clock stubble really sucks.

Earlier this week, we asked you, “What’s the worst present you ever received from a romantic partner?” Here are some of our favorite responses from you. Merry fucking Christmas!

MarcieT Says:
December 22nd, 2011 at 9:17 am e
Not me, but my mother: Dad bought her a ShopVac for Christmas after 20+ years of marriage. Major fail. He no longer buys gifts without input from his 3 daughters.

Tealess Says:
December 22nd, 2011 at 9:39 am e
Not a holiday present but rather our first anniversary present. I was hoping for flowers, and maybe some lingerie, or jewelry – something romantic at least. Instead, I got a hat, and a pregnancy workout video.
We’re still married 20 years later, but it’s one of the few things he’s never been forgiven for.

Wendy Says:
December 22nd, 2011 at 2:49 pm e
My husband has never been entirely spot on or creative when it comes to gift giving in our 18 years of marriage. I have learned to expect anything other than what I would actually want when I open a present from him. This became pretty clear early on on our union. I can’t remember if it was our second or third Christmas together but it was early enough in our relationship that my expectations were still pretty hopeful and high. There were only two gifts for me under the tree when I woke up so I figured they must be pretty special and probably expensive. Talk about disappointment when I opened them and discovered a six pack of blank VHS tapes and a thermal travel mug from the Texaco station…both clearly purchased that morning. Over the years no gifts have been as bad (or worse) than those, but I can’t say they have greatly improved. Needless to say, I shop for myself now ;o)

H Says:
December 22nd, 2011 at 5:08 pm e
Autographed picture of Garth Brooks. (I am not a fan, it wasn’t cheap and we really could have used that $$ for living expenses at the time!)

RM Says:
December 22nd, 2011 at 10:08 pm e
Last year my stocking contained two items: a single egg-shaped candle and a can of sardines. I don’t even like sardines – I have never purchased them or even eaten them in front of my partner. I just have no idea.

We wouldn’t want you to think EMandLO.com is anally fixated or anything, we just really appreciate the whole “what’s good for the goose is good for the gander” argument when it comes to defending straight men being receptive to a little backdoor love. Hence, the second comment of the week in a row dedicated to anal attention. Several commenters have expressed similar notions, and we’ve included the best below, but we think BCofUIMHere really got to the heart of the matter most elegantly:

BCofUIMHere Says:
December 17th, 2011 at 3:22 pm e
Before I answer if anal play makes you gay, answer me this: Does going down on your girlfriend make you a lesbian?

Dannie Says:
November 30th, 2011 at 11:48 am e
It’s only gay if you’re having sex with a man. Gay men do anal, but they also have oral sex, so by your proxy reasoning, would having oral sex with your girlfriend make you gay, too? NO. Gay men kiss one another, too. So if you kiss your girlfriend, does that make you gay? NO. Gay men might hold hands sometimes, so if you hold hands with your girlfriend…you get the picture?

figleaf Says:
November 30th, 2011 at 1:09 pm e
1) Yeah, what Dannie said. Gay men have zippers on their pants, buttons on their shirts, and they brush and floss their teeth too. Brushing your teeth doesn’t make you gay, it just makes your girlfriend or wife a lot more interested in having sex with you. Having more sex with your girlfriend does not make you gay.

SJM, responding to the post  ”Confession: I Want to Do My Boyfriend with a Strap-On“:

This is something that will make a relationship grow. Plain sex gets old. It took me forever to open up to my gf about how I wanted her to ["plug"] me, or whatever. But when she told me about her all-time fantasy about wanting to f**k a guy, I told her how that has been my fantasy — and now that has brought us even closer. I was always scared of her thinking I’m gay or something, which I’m not. It made me feel better to hear her say it’s not. We have grown so much closer.

Lily, responding to the same post:

Assplay is not gay unless you are. You’re not the only one who’s into this, I promise. Even if you did fantasize about a dude doing it to you, doesn’t have to mean you are gay either.

Matbo, responding to the post “Would You Rely on a Male Birth Control Pill?”:

I want the male pill now!!!! I hate being on the pill — it makes my body feel weird, and frankly it’s no secret that condoms suck, they take away a layer of closeness and substitute it with rubber instead — the lube expenses are ludicrous.

And to all the women who wouldn’t trust a man to take birth control? Puh-lease! Can we please treat men like they are actual adults who are just as concerned about the baby thing as we are? I would be very comfortable and relieved if my boyfriend could take the pill and we could engage in coitus anywhere any place with out being all condomy about it…

(By the way, how awesome is the adjective “condomy”?! That alone was worth the Comment of the Week. — E&L)

Kev, responding to the post “Your Call: Can She Keep Her Boobs Covered Up During Sex?”:

Us men love boobs. But we also love sexy bras as well. And the right guy, when you find him, will love all of you. People do get hung up about their bodies, but if you are in love with someone, does it really matter? But you do need to build your confidence. Here’s how:

1. Firstly, before bed one night put some music on, turn the heating up and have a good look at yourself in the mirror in your undies. Look at the woman that you see. Lots of men will look at you, and think you are gorgeous, attractive and beautiful — so why worry about your boobs? Imagine a guy you do fancy is seeing you in your lingerie for the first time, and you are seeing him, naked, for the first time. Let your mind wander with sexy thoughts.
2. Shrug your shoulders to let the bra straps fall, slide your hands round your back and undo your bra, then slowly remove it to reveal your breasts. Lie on the bed and give your boobs and nipples a good massage, maybe with some warm oil. Relax, and let yourself go. (There is also a very good health reason for this, as regularly feeling your breasts and keeping an eye out for abnormalities can detect breast cancer. So learn to love your boobs!)
3. When you go to bed sleep topless — it will feel comfortable.
4. Invest in some sexy lace and satin bra and knicker sets. Something that will make you feel “sexy” under your clothes and your guy gasp as soon as he gets to see them! Babydoll nighties and chemises are also good bedroom wear. If it makes you more comfortable, go into another room to get changed into your lingerie — it will build a sense of anticipation in your man. When you walk out, think you are the star of the show.
5. Despite rumours to the contrary, lots of us guys like foreplay, and a bit of mystery, so keeping your bra and knickers on while making out is a huge turn-on, and gives you a bit of time to get comfortable. You can tease — pushing his hands away if he tries to unhook your bra, saying “later,” with an devilish grin, shows you are in control, specially if you are stripping him out of his clothes.
6. Stroking your bra-covered breasts against his naked body, while kissing and feeling him, is also something very arousing and will turn your man on.

Love yourself and love your boobs.