Em & Lo: Sex. Love. And Everything in Between. » Comment of the Week http://www.emandlo.com Your daily dose of advice, news, and stories about sex, love, and other important stuff. No yoga mat required. Mon, 24 Nov 2014 12:00:20 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 How to Work with What You’ve Got (Yep, We’re Talking Penis Size) http://www.emandlo.com/2014/11/how-to-work-with-what-youve-got-in-bed-yep-were-talking-penis-size/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/11/how-to-work-with-what-youve-got-in-bed-yep-were-talking-penis-size/#comments Wed, 19 Nov 2014 15:11:36 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=30792

EMandLO.com M.V.P. reader Tony shared some excellent advice this week in response to our post, “Your Call: How Can I Compensate for a Skinny Penis?”

A male perspective here.

First off, you are not broken, nor does your penis size dictate that “you will be broken up with.” Everyone has a different penis (or breast) size, and what one person prefers may be very different from the next. I’m assuming that you wouldn’t tell a woman with smaller breasts that she is “broken” or that “she will always get broken up with”? Same thing.

Having an attitude that “I’m going to get broken up with anyway”, on the other hand, may influence your own thoughts, words, and actions such that you “get broken up with” for potentially preventable reasons. As the saying goes, change what you can (work on living as fulfilling and meaningful a life as you define it, and work on presenting your best self), accept what you cannot change (your penis size), and be wise enough to know the difference. Again, which would turn you off more – a woman with smaller breasts, or a woman who relates to you with the implicit or explicit expectation that she is fundamentally broken and that everyone will abandon her because of her breast size? I find the second to be far more off-putting than the first.

I also wonder if you are, like most of us, average in the size department. My understanding is that 5.5 inches is average, not unusually small. I don’t know what an average girth is.

I am unaware of any safe and effective means of penis enlargement, so I would skip that.

As for positions and techniques, learning the basics of a woman’s sexual anatomy and various positions would be an excellent place to start. There are numerous articles and books that go over this (including this website; I suspect that Em and Lo, amongst others, have written books on this. I’ll let someone else chime in on that).

Keep in mind that you are a person and not a sex toy, which means that sexual intimacy isn’t just about providing enough vaginal friction. Remember that most women need clitoral stimulation (which is irrelevant to penis size), and also that the G-Spot, if you believe that it exists, is only a short way inside the vagina. You also have other ways of pleasuring your partner – not only oral sex and using your hands, but massage, sensual touch, sensual conversation, etc. One comment I’ve heard is that lovemaking starts between your (and her) ears. Be mindful of friendship, good communication, being a good partner, etc.

If you were with a woman who was emotionally intelligent and mindful, a great friend, an excellent partner, and an interested and attentive lover who really enjoyed being sexual and sensual with you, would you say to her that you didn’t want to be with her because her breasts weren’t big enough? Neither would I.

Lastly, if you ask what she enjoys and show that you are interested and listening, I suspect that many women would be delighted to educate (and hopefully show!) you what works for them. Again, no two people are alike.

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Comment of the Week: Revenge Will Make You Feel Worse http://www.emandlo.com/2014/11/comment-of-the-week-revenge-will-make-you-feel-worse/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/11/comment-of-the-week-revenge-will-make-you-feel-worse/#comments Wed, 12 Nov 2014 18:21:01 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=30744 photo via Flickr

This week, Tony had some very sage advice about whether or not to get revenge on a cheating lover:

I’m in the camp of “skipping revenge.”  When I’ve felt vengeful and lashed out, I feel worse afterwards instead of better.  You’re giving extra time and effort towards someone who isn’t worth it.  Confronting him, telling him how you feel, and being clear that he isn’t worth any more of your time may be cathartic and would be fine, I’d think.  I certainly wouldn’t egg his car or hook up with his friends out of revenge.  Plus, by hooking up with his friends, you’re using (and potentially hurting) them as well as getting into relationships that you may not want to get into.  If they’re his friends and he’s a cheater . . . do you really want to be with them?

The other girl sounds quite immature, frankly.  How you treat your enemies says a great deal about your character.  Also keep in mind that however she treats him may be how she treats you in the future if she feels hurt or slighted by you.  If she’s willing to act out towards one enemy, she’s probably willing to act that way towards ALL of her enemies.  Enough said.

Lastly – you mentioned that this is the third guy who has cheated on you.  I do not want to engage in any victim blaming, but I would take a long, hard look at how and why you pick the guys you do.  This sounds like a pattern, and if you want to change the pattern you need to be self-aware, identify what’s going on, and change it.  I say this as a man who was in an abusive marriage and went to years of therapy afterwards.  One of the most empowering and liberating things that I have ever done is to compassionately look at why I made the choices I did that led to that marriage, because it gives me much more confidence that I won’t repeat my own pattern.  Again, this is not meant to blame you at all, but to encourage you to understand your past and claim your own power so that you can have a better future.

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What Catcalling Would Look Like If We Used It at the Office http://www.emandlo.com/2014/11/what-catcalling-would-look-like-if-we-used-it-at-the-office/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/11/what-catcalling-would-look-like-if-we-used-it-at-the-office/#comments Wed, 05 Nov 2014 12:00:02 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=30654

This week, EMandLO.com all-star commenter Johnny made an excellent point by comparing catcalling to other kinds of human communication — say, attempting to get hired at a new company:

I had a lengthy argument about catcalling on a pickup website. Their stance was, “Feminism continues to demonize male sexuality, and saying ‘hey beautiful’ isn’t harassment.” My stance was, “Don’t defend these idiots. They’re bothering strangers on the street in ways ranging from douchey to scary.”

I’m all for trying to get laid any time, anywhere. I’m not saying don’t try to pick women up in public. I’m saying, GENUINELY try to meet women in public. I’ve never, ever seen a woman respond to, “HEY BEAUTIFUL, WHERE YOU GOING, I’M TRYING TO TALK TO YOU!” Guys are doing that to stoke their own egos (to feel like they’re “in the game”), to impress each other, because they get a giggle out of watching the woman scurry away… it’s never gonna work and they know it. The woman is basically the butt of a joke. I find it really fucking rude.

I’d never demonize male sexuality – she’s a woman and you’re a man. You’re literally built to want to fuck each other. Get in there and take a shot! You’re allowed to try to get laid. Nothing wrong with having a boner for a girl. But treat her like a person, for chrissake. Try to attract her, not repel her.

Would you do that if you were trying to meet anyone else?

“HEY BOSS, WHAT’S THAT, A FORTUNE FIVE HUNDRED COMPANY? C’MERE AND HIRE ME MAN, I GOT A LENGTHY RESUME! WHERE YOU GOING, CORPORATE, I’M TALKING TO YOU! I’M JUST SAYING YOU LOOK GOOD IN THAT SUIT! WHAT ARE YOU, TOO STUCK UP TO TAKE A COMPLIMENT? FINE, FUCK YOU, YOUR COMPANY SUCKS ANYWAY!”

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Comment of the Week: I’ve Got a Problem with EMandLO.com http://www.emandlo.com/2014/10/comment-of-the-week-ive-got-a-problem-with-emandlo-com/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/10/comment-of-the-week-ive-got-a-problem-with-emandlo-com/#comments Tue, 28 Oct 2014 20:19:31 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=30517

When we started reading Dave’s comment today, we thought, “Oh no, what have we done now?” Turns out it’s not us who are the problem, it’s our readers:

I have a serious problem with your website.

Almost every time I read something on your website and want to comment on it, I find that someone else has already said nearly exactly the right thing and in a more elegant fashion than I probably could.

I really enjoy reading the witty and intelligent things your readers have to say but it makes we feel less special when your readers get it right before I can post anything most of the time.

I guess this is the cost of hanging out with cool/smart people.

Dave

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How to Become a Cuckold (If That’s Your Thing) http://www.emandlo.com/2014/10/how-to-be-a-cuckold-if-thats-your-thing/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/10/how-to-be-a-cuckold-if-thats-your-thing/#comments Thu, 23 Oct 2014 11:00:49 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=30444

Every now and then (okay, so it’s not exactly rare!) a reader gives better advice than we ever could. Especially when it’s a very specific situation that we have zero experience in… and the reader has experience in spades. This week is just such a case: Reader Ken shares very smart advice on how to become a cuckold, and how to get your wife on board with the whole thing — assuming, of course, that’s your bag! He posted this comment in response to our post, “Your Call: I Want My Wife to Have an Affair; Thinks I’m Nuts”:

Ken: I am in a ‘cuckold’ situation in my marriage, but this took years of slow, gentle encouragement. At first it was just me whispering my dirty fantasies in her ear during intimate moments. After she had come to understand my desire, she started taking small steps to tease and please me. This happened most often while on vacation. In beautiful places with beautiful strangers. At first it was limited to small acts of flirting and a little exhibitionism here and there – often on the pretext of a dare. Most importantly, I never pushed her toward anyone specific. If she felt flirty and fun (and a little buzz always helped) I gently encouraged her to explore her wild side.

After years of this she eventually became comfortable enough to take things to a new level with a handsome stranger of her choice.

Believe me: I understand this desire. But you have to keep it light and take it slow and maybe – just maybe – she will explore this desire more fully. But the last thing you want to appear as to your wife is a creepy, pushy sexual deviant. That will freak her out and you will probably A: never realize your fantasy and B: lose your wife in the process.

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Why No Blowjobs Can Be a Dealbreaker for Men http://www.emandlo.com/2014/10/why-no-blowjobs-can-be-a-dealbreaker-for-men/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/10/why-no-blowjobs-can-be-a-dealbreaker-for-men/#comments Wed, 22 Oct 2014 12:00:27 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=30431
photo via flickr

Last week we published reader Sara’s impassioned comment about blowjobs, and how they are not an inalienable right. This week, we are publishing two responses to her by two of our equally thoughtful, passionate, intelligent male readers, Derek and Steve. Can we just say how much we love that a debate like this can take place on our site, with no flaming and no name-calling? It’s positively revolutionary! So please, keep it coming.

And yes, we will admit to a little bias when it comes to discussing an absence of cunnilingus in a relationship vs an absence of blowjobs. There is one fairly big difference, though: We don’t know any (many?) men who are able to climax via oral sex alone. For women, on the other hand, it’s a different story. Cunnilingus is often the closest women come to experiencing the kind of guaranteed climaxes that men take for granted. Sometimes it’s the only way they can climax. Also, we happen to think that the way cunnilingus is dismissed in our culture is a lot more problematic than the way blowjobs are discussed. Simply put, there’s a power differential.

That all said, we will do our best to bear these comments below in mind. And we will do our best to treat men in blowjob-free lives as sensitively as we do those women who are starved for cunnilingus. A little more empathy never hurt any blogger, after all!

Here are the responses to the original post, “Your Call: She Doesn’t Like Going Down” and the follow-up “Comment of the Week: Blowjobs Aren’t an Inalienable Right”:

Derek: Good points, Sara. No one should feel that they have to do any specific sex act. Now, I think it is a good idea for any committed, monogamous couple to try and explore things that their partners really enjoy, but if you really don’t like it then don’t do it.

That being said, I also think the other partner has every right to say good bye to a relationship that does not include things that they really enjoy and would miss greatly if there was a lack of it. I don’t want to be with a woman who doesn’t make me laugh, who isn’t loving, who wants to spend her weekends at work, who doesn’t like giving blowjobs, that hates dogs and won’t let me adopt one, and who can only orgasm after being urinated on. All are valid reasons to not want to be with someone who you otherwise love a lot.

For me, blow jobs give me the opportunity to relax and just feel pleasure and joy. Thrusting is hard business, and there are a great many things to keep track of (back pain, arms about to give out, sliding knees, etc). Not to mention, the anxiety a lot of men feel about maybe coming to soon or their dick not helping a woman have an orgams and all the attendant feelings of failure and unmanliness.

Fellatio allows me to not have those worries. I don’t have to make decisions. I don’t have to worry about anything. All I get to do is feel, to experience amazing sensations. I don’t think I could be married to a woman who would not provide that opportunity to me. It is far to blessed and amazing experience for me to never do it again.

Now, if your man is willing to pay the price of admission (no blow jobs) then great, but if he is unwilling, as I would be, then he has every right to end the relationship and find what he needs elsewhere. Just as you are free to leave a man who demands fellatio from you constantly, or a man that does not fit your needs.

And it is not because I don’t care about the woman. We all have needs and wants and they are all valid things. If I loved a woman who hates dogs and never, ever wants one of the damned things, I don’t think I could marry her. I love dogs and I want one very much. Likewise, I don’t want kids and a woman who wants kids has every right to leave me so that she can get the things she wants and needs. Sex is no different. Unmet needs cause all kinds of problems and it is important for everyone to be honest with themselves about what they need and desire. So, I don’t think shaming someone for really liking and wanting/needing a sexual act is a helpful thing to do.

P.S. A lot of these issues might be solved if we just all got into being monogamish and opened up our relationships!

 

Steve: Great post, Derek. There is a striking contrast between many of the responses provided in this thread and those in the one entitled “My Husband Won’t Give Me Oral.” Several posters here have emphasized that no one should feel forced to do do something that he or she does not want to do. In that thread the husband is treated as a jerk for having the same views that the letter writer here expresses. Double standards, anyone?

I agree that no one should feel forced to perform any specific sex act. On the other hand, sex IS important to many people, and no one should be obliged to stay in a relationship if his/her needs are not being met. This is not an issue of “entitlement” – it’s about whether each person’s wants and needs are being satisfied in the relationship. It’s up to the participants to try to reach a satisfactory solution. If this proves impossible, both will have to decide whether the relationship is worth maintaining.

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Comment of the Week: Blow Jobs Aren’t an Inalienable Right http://www.emandlo.com/2014/10/comment-of-the-week-blow-jobs-arent-an-inalienable-right/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/10/comment-of-the-week-blow-jobs-arent-an-inalienable-right/#comments Thu, 16 Oct 2014 11:33:01 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=30385

In an impassioned response to our post, “Your Call: She Doesn’t Like Going Down,” reader Sara doesn’t pull any punches when discussing those who prioritize sex acts over actual people. She really gets going in the fourth paragraph!:

You know what makes it easier to like something? Being able to choose freely whether to do it (or have it done to you). That means being pressured is not helpful. Whether it is “but everyone else loves it” peer pressure, some jackass saying you owe them, or some well-meaning person telling you to try try again.

I found this thread seriously f*cked up. The amount of guilt tripping and the suggestion to the OP that there’s something wrong with her, she needs to get over it, that she’s being “unfair” – what the actual FUCK?

Do you people realise that coercing someone into a sex act they are not willing to do is a form of rape? That people are different and some people just don’t like certain things, and it’s not your right to tell them they are abnormal because they’re different to you? Threatening to find sex elsewhere or leave someone if they don’t give you oral sex is emotional manipulation of the most insidious, despicable kind. My man doesn’t like giving oral sex much and even if I loved it (I don’t) I would NEVER coerce him into it because it’s sick to make someone you’re supposed to love do something sexually that they are not willing to do.

I don’t like giving blow jobs and there is NOTHING wrong with me. There are a lot of unpleasant things about having a dick in your mouth. Even freshly washed, it doesn’t taste or smell great. Seeing as my tongue happens to be covered in taste buds and my nose full of olfactory receptors, there is little I can do to block this out. Putting food of any kind on genitalia makes it even more gross. Getting your gag reflex stimulated is massively unpleasant too – it can be painful if it’s violent, my eyes water, and I don’t feel very sexy with tears streaming down my face. After about 2 minutes my jaw aches unbearably. I find the idea of bodily fluids hitting the back of my throat disgusting, and every time I’ve ever swallowed I’ve felt sick and mildly traumatised for a couple of hours afterwards, and if you think there’s something wrong with me for that how about you take a swig of your girlfriend’s period blood and see how it makes you feel. Most people can’t even handle the idea of drinking human breast milk and that’s actually supposed to be food, so why am I supposed to enjoy the salty bitter slime that comes out of a man’s penis?

Couples can have great sex that both partners enjoy without throwing their toys out of the pram when they don’t get everything they want. I like anal but I also recognise that it’s not for everyone, and I’d never accuse another girl of being weird or uptight or somehow at fault for not enjoying it. Similarly my man has no interest in being penetrated anally by me, and though I’d quite like to do it it would be messed up to coerce him into something he’s clearly not comfortable with, and even more messed up to suggest that him not being comfortable with something I want is some sort of personal failing.

There should be more to a relationship than getting pleasured. If you care more about getting your dick sucked than you do about the girl who’s doing it, then you probably don’t deserve a relationship anyway. Fuck… this thread has seriously depressed me.

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Comment of the Week: Your Breakup Advice Sucks! http://www.emandlo.com/2014/10/comment-of-the-week-your-breakup-advice-sucks/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/10/comment-of-the-week-your-breakup-advice-sucks/#comments Wed, 08 Oct 2014 11:00:34 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=30263
photo via flickr

This week, reader Ultraviolet took us to task for our “ten easy steps” break-up advice in response to a post, “Your Call: How Do You Get Over Long-Term Heartbreak?” Consider her words a cautionary tale about holding onto bitterness and regret, living in the past… and not listening to yours truly, Em & Lo!

Yeah, three years is NOTHING. I’m on year twenty and counting. (And for the record, I think the 10-step program advertised on this website is laughable and insulting.) And to those readers suggesting therapy, yeah, I’ve tried that too over and over and over again and it doesn’t do any good, and antidepressantants didn’t help either. I don’t want therapy or pills, I don’t fucking want to cut my hair or reinvent myself (I like myself fine, thanks) or travel or date other people, and I shouldn’t have to. I just want my boyfriend back and that’s it.

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Telling People Not to Get Married Young Makes Them Narcissistic http://www.emandlo.com/2014/09/telling-people-not-to-get-married-young-makes-them-narcissistic/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/09/telling-people-not-to-get-married-young-makes-them-narcissistic/#comments Tue, 23 Sep 2014 11:00:01 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=30121

Reader Joseph recently took us to task for our advice to a twenty-four-year-old woman who said she likes her co-worker more than her boyfriend, but feels like maybe she should stay with her boyfriend because they have a “solid” relationship and her friends and family adore him. Our advice, in a nutshell, was, “Be twenty-four.” Have fun, flirt, date around, don’t settle down, etc, etc. But according to Joseph, it is exactly this approach that is causing young people to be so narcissistic and immature. Here’s his comment; what do you think?

Yes she is 24! So she should be mature enough to not think like a 15-16 year old kid. The problem with today’s society is that it keeps young men and young women in the ” kids” status by claiming you are too young to settle, in other words today’s philosophy is ” your too young to take on responsibility. No wonder today’s society is so narcissistic and immature, people back then at 16 plus where mature and forced to take on responsibility for their own live, stop using you are only 24 years old excuse to keep people in the Peter Pan syndrome, she is 24 she should be an mature adult and if she is not is time to become one. Grow up article writer.

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Comment of the Week: An Easy Trick to Avoid Ruining Your Relationship Forever http://www.emandlo.com/2014/09/comment-of-the-week-an-easy-trick-to-avoid-ruining-your-relationship-forever/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/09/comment-of-the-week-an-easy-trick-to-avoid-ruining-your-relationship-forever/#comments Wed, 17 Sep 2014 14:02:46 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=30037
photo via flickr

One reader emailed us their best relationship advice, not in response to a specific post, but just ’cause. So we wanted to share:

Me and my girl broke up after 8 years together. She was wonderful and I was a fool. I did everything wrong. So my advice is:  if you’re thinking of doing something wrong towards your other half, close your eyes, imagine your life without her/him and if it looks better, do your thing. The heartache and depression I’ve been feeling is awful. It’s like being punched in the gut every minute of the day. Def would do a lot of things differently if I had it to do again.

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