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A Better Vocabulary for Bisexuality

March 11, 2015

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Reader David wrote the following in response to our post, “Confession: The Problem with Bisexuality”:

I prefer ‘birelational’ over ‘bisexual’. It is not just about sex. ‘Biromantic’ fits as well. Of course there is always the ‘pansexual’ or ‘panrelational’ or ‘panromantic’ terminology. I don’t think the whole homosexual, heterosexual or bisexual thing is much good for identity. Too confining and objectifying and reductive for people to discuss in such ways.

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Comment of the Week: You Just Cracked Us Up!

March 4, 2015

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We recently received a Facebook message that warmed the cockles of our hearts, and since we’re totally shameless when it comes to self-promotion, we thought we’d share it with you. Gerry, you made our month!

Dear Em & Lo,

I’m writing to tell you that I just finished laughing so hard, I’m pretty sure it wasn’t good for my health…after reading your 2003 book, “Position of the Day,” first by myself, then with my wife, the lovely Kathy. We’re both 60, so we’re glad we read the intro, but only after getting about halfway through the ridiculously funny titles of each position. Oh man..I mean oh woman…no, oh man sounds better. Anyway, that kind of laughter deserves a thank you. To make a short story long, I have no idea where this book came from: I found it in my writing room over the holidays and none of my four adult children have ‘fessed up. I have tested just reading the daily position names over the phone to friends and even without the “diagrams” they have had me and my friends snorting. It’s not pretty when 60 year olds are snorting, I’m going to tell you! Thank you ladies.

Gerry

Sadly, we don’t get any royalties from the book this reader mentions (since it was a Nerve.com book back when we were on staff there), so if you want a fun and funny book by us, we’d recommend our more timely “150 Shades of Play.” (We can’t help the plugs, they just happen!)

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How to Have Kinky Sex with Your Vanilla Husband

February 25, 2015

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photo via Wikimedia Commons

Reader subgirl said the following in response to our post, “He’s Kinky, She’s Vanilla, Is the Relationship Doomed?“  Heads up, everyone in a mixed-cone, chocolate-swirl-slash-vanilla relationship, there is hope!

I am a submissive woman and I have a wonderful vanill-ish husband who plays along with me. We communicate our needs to one another. Anyone who tells you this is only about humiliation and degradation and weak women getting walked on like door mats has watched too much porn. Absolutely be true to yourself. I could not agree more with that statement.

BUT if you’re going to agree to get involved with a kinky partner then please, for the love of god, go learn something about it. There are many books on the subject.

Do not ever take another person’s fantasies and make them your own. If you are open to exploring, then try to discover your own fantasies, likes and dislikes, and then communicate them. And any Dom worth a squat will want you to learn, on your own, from many sources.

The lifestyle can actually make a relationship very close and intimate if you learn about it, work it like a journey, and open up communication with your partner. You do not ever have to be into pain or bondage to be involved in the lifestyle.

And I am anything but a mindless door mat.

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Comment of the Month: Do NOT Try This at Home!

February 18, 2015

1 Comment

We’ve gotten some outrageous letters over the years: one from the guy asking us if he could get STDs from the corpses he was having sex with at the morgue; another from a couple inquiring how they could get their German Shepard to have consensual sex with the woman while the man watched. We try to make this a judgment-free zone, but sometimes it’s impossible. Once in a while, the occasional reader seem just plain nuts. Are they for real? Who knows. Are they crazy in one way or another? Most definitely. 

It’s been a while since we’ve gotten a genuine, draw-dropping head scratcher. But the following comment from the dubiously named “Mystery Tomcat” deserves a space in our Hall of Infamy. Is he for real? We hope not. Is he insane? At least a smidge. Either way, our publication of his comment is intended for entertainment purposes only. By featuring his letter, we are not endorsing or condoning his behavior. This is NOT an instruction manual for would-be DIYers! Medical procedures should always be done by actual, trained doctors.

Despite his “happy ending,” we still think this can be read as a cautionary tale about focusing too much on one’s perceived “imperfections” instead of appreciating and working with what you’ve got:

“Way down under in Melbourne, Australia is the story of a tightly done male adult circumcision of the ultimate kind. You’ll never believe the story … or will you?

Around 17 years ago, I became aware that circumcision was of interest to me. How to go about it ? What an embarrassment, how to sneak into a Doctor cost etc. I became more and more frustrated, as I knew I wanted it done. Australia is a hot climate too and I wanted a slick model penis, not a sock, at half mast. I had learnt from school that I was bisexual, I would use the odd opportunity to check out and occasionally talk another classmate into pulling down his pants and letting me give him oral sex. Both circumcised and uncircumcised, although I didn’t know what circumcision was then, I was only ten ! We start pretty early in Australia !

Anyway back to circumcision. I became more and more, frustrated and there didn’t seem to be a way of resolving the issue. Then I had a bereavement in the family. If I couldn’t solve this simple problem… It was a question of honor.

So what I did may surprise many. I am an everyday kind of bloke, a family now, job and the rest of it. So don’t be too shocked. Where there is a will there is a way.

I had been researching on the net at the time and I was reading and seeing pics of tribal and African circumcisions. There are great stories of the Tuli in the Philippines and also teens putting their penis on a log with a piece of twine and the elder slicing off the foreskin, high and tight, leaving a terrific red patched scar.

I decided after much viewing and research that this is what I wanted. I was a bit far from the Philippines and Africa, so this is what happened.

One long weekend when there was a Public holiday, I decided to have a go myself. This is not for the faint hearted.

On the Friday night, I did the usual, a few beers then came home. I opened a bottle of white wine and proceeded to watch an x-rated video. Of course with a long ring barked cock or two. After a while I was ready. A bit of popper amyl and I was more or less ready to have a go. At circumcision.

I knew the skin would be sensitive, so I had purchased from an adult store, delay spray. This I think had lidocaine like when you get Suntan mozzie burns cream from the supermarket only stronger. I applied it to my foreskin until the end of my cock felt number, than usual. Another drink and some poppers, a look at the tightly taut scarred cocks on the TV screen and it was time. Time to join the rest of my male brothers on the planet with a permanently forever nude glans and a stripped pointed helmety penis. Intention purple glans to always lead the way, from that night on or else.

I sized and drew a line working out where to cut and checked this out numerous times. Another drink, more amyl and an inspection of the video playing and I was ready.

I took a very sharp pair a medium size sewing scissors and sat down. Carefully lining them up, I very slowly, and I mean really really slowly, put them through the line on the foreskin I had drawn. I had already pulled the foreskin as hard as I ever could in front of my glans.

Slowly but surely I got the job done. Everything dropped back behind my glans and my foreskin lay on a tissue. A dream come true. I couldn’t believe my absolute relief and satisfaction.

All this time later nearly two decades on, I am still happy. A couple a days later, I consulted a friendly doctor and some stitches were added on the quiet to complete the job.

Result is I have a very tightly circumcised penis, with absolutely no frenulum or foreskin.

The absolute tightest male circumcision possible, for myself and any partner I should choose, whether it be female or male. Amazingly there is no two tone scar and the circumcision join is one color and height. No different levels of skin height or misalignment.

Nature really does like male circumcision.”



Why I Told My Boyfriend He Could Marry My Daughter

January 28, 2015

1 Comment

Something’s Gotta Give: Jack Nicholson chooses mother over daughter

Reader Momma wrote the following in response to our post, “Your Call: When Your Partner’s Fantasies Are Seriously Disturbing.” Before leaping to judgment, dear readers, consider this: The couple below can talk about anything. They trust each other completely, and this has led to them being completely honest with each other… which has led to a stable, solid, awesome, committed, enjoyably sexual relationship. They get that fantasies are just that: fantasies. Sure, we don’t exactly condone the idea of offering up your blessing regarding your adult daughter’s marital state — but, hey, it works for them! So long as everything is honest and ethical and consensual and legal, who are we — and you, too, reader — to judge?!

My boyfriend of more than a decade admitted to me that he has fantasized about being with my adult daughters. Yes, they are extremely beautiful. Yes, we love each other. No, he would never ACT on those fantasies. Yes, we have openly discussed the fact. No, it is not a “taboo” fetish. Yes, it apparently does have something to do with the fact that my daughters are part of me.

He has never been an iota’s worth of disrespectful towards my children. He has always been immensely supportive and loving and careful to maintain appropriate boundaries.

We communicate about everything sexual, including our fantasies without filters and without judgment.

After he told me this I asked him if he preferred a younger woman. He emphatically denied that. I told him that if that was so, since my adult daughters were single (at the time), and if they so chose, I would bless their union should one of them wish to marry him. That did not (and will not) happen, and he never mentioned it again other than to once say how deeply touched he was that I loved him enough to say that…and that he never wants to lose me.

Men!

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You Don’t Have to Like Men and Women Equally to Be Bi

January 14, 2015

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Reader Peet wrote the following in response to a personal essay on our site, “(My) Bisexuality Is Really Not That Complicated.” Note: The line quoted by Peet was not stated as a fact by the original author, but rather as an example of the “sloppy stereotypes” about bisexuality.

“Bisexuals must desire both genders equally or they’re not really bi; and if they desire both genders equally, they’ll never be satisfied with monogamy, because they must sleep with someone of each gender consistently to be identifying as bi.”

How can somebody take this seriously? Bi people can just be attracted to both genders. But they needn’t be having sex with both of them to be considered as bi, or to be satisfied in a relationship.

Here is an analogy: Even if you are a straight man and you are attracted to only women, you can be satisfied with one women you are in a relationship with, even if you are attracted to other women, too. Replace the words “women and men” with “person,” and “straight” to “bisexual” and it remains as true as it is in its original form.

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Comment of the Week: What Really Matters in Bed

January 7, 2015

1 Comment

photo via Flickr

This comment by reader Erica got lost in the holiday shuffle, but it’s worth going back for. She made it in response to our post, 10 Reasons Why Your “Ugly Vagina” Is Normal and Gorgeous. We feel really bad for her 12-year-old self and hate the culture that created her, but are so happy to hear she’s come so far and evolved so much on this topic:

I have large inner lips. My partner has a smaller than average penis. We have incredible sex. Anyone who will judge you based on what your genitals look like, be they male or female, is a shallow ignorant loser and is definitely not worth your time or affection. I used to be intensely insecure about my labia because of crap I read online. I even tried to cut them off with a razor blade when I was twelve and ended up needing stitches, not to mention a psychological evaluation. Society places standards on every inch of the female body. It is impossible to meet them all. It took years but I have learned to love and accept myself. Also, I have had a lot of sex with both male and female partners and not one of them has ever turned me down or insulted my pussy. When people make stupid jokes or comments, call them out on it. It sucks that we have to deal with all of these sexist attacks. Resist by loving yourself and being nice to other women. Also be nice to guys and dont be a hypocrite by making fun of smaller penises. Size really does not matter; cleanliness and technique, not to mention confidence and being a nice person, is all that really matters.

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Comment of the Week: Please Don’t Go Down On Me. Seriously.

December 17, 2014

4 Comments


photo via RestAssured

Reader Henry wrote the following in response to our post, “Dear Em & Lo: I Hate Receiving Blowjobs.” Sure, men who would rather get a root canal than a blowjob may be rarer than a unicorn who hates rainbows, but still: they’re out there. And for the men who feel this way, it’s not a laughing a matter. (So, maybe sorry about the unicorn joke?) Being truly serious, now, though: Feeling raped by your spouse, as Henry once experienced, is no joke.

You don’t know what you are talking about when you say that all men love fellatio. I don’t at all. My wife insists on it both ways. I refused fellatio for years but her demands finally broke me down.

Naturally I have a physiological response to it. But I’d probably have a physiological response to having a vibrator jammed up my ass and I’m not about to let that shit get started. It was a mistake to let her ever fellate me in the first place. Now I can’t convice her to stop it.
For a long time I managed to hold off (it’s not hard) and finish up in her vagina but once she managed to hold on to me and force me. I tried to pull away but she hung on. I felt raped. Being forced has left me so that I avoid sex with her until she insists. At least I have not allowed her to bring me to climax in her mouth again.

Maybe there is a good woman out there who doesn’t want to do fellatio who I could trade her with her husband who loves fellatio? Just kidding (I think) but this is serious.

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Comment of the Week: Buzzkills Are Poopyheads

December 11, 2014

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photo via Flickr

A good comment of the week doesn’t have to be Shakespeare or even Dr. Ruth. Exhibit A: This response by Dave W. to the post “How to Determine Whether Your Dating Age Gap Is Embarrassing“:

Sure, large age gaps have only a small chance of making it long term, but it’s a good sign if they can joke about it being creepy.  Anyone who truly makes an issue of it should be told to shove it.  Happiness is too important; buzzkills are poopyheads.

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Comment of the Week: DTMFA!

December 3, 2014

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Reader Inness channeled her inner Dan Savage this week (DTMFA — look it up) with a heartfelt response to the post, “Help: My Inability to Orgasm Is Ruining My Relationship.” Now what we want to know is: How can we ensure that our snappy acronyms make it into the Urban Dictionary?

DTMFA. This guy is shaming you and the way your body works. He’s not threatening to break up with you for SELFLESS reasons, and certainly not because you’re broken in any way. He’s making this threat because he’s an insecure asshole. You should tell him that the absolute WORST way to get someone to orgasm is to stress them out about it, then go find someone whose ultimate goal in bed is to have fun with you and to make you both happy, not to make you orgasm the way that makes him feel most like a man. Again, dump the motherfucker already. Or at least give him a very stern talking to.

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