Dave, in response to the recent post “It Shouldn’t Matter WHY You Use Contraception, Damn It“:

Here is the argument that feels strongest to me.

1. The US Constitution says that the government cannot force religious beliefs on US citizens.
2. Pretty much all hospitals in the US get 50% or more of their money from the US government in the form of medicare and medicaid payments.
3. So if a hospital forces me to follow their religious beliefs (by not providing services that are against their beliefs), it is effectively the US government forcing me to follow religious beliefs because it is their money that makes that hospital stay open.

Also, under my argument any hospital could refuse any services they want as long as they quit taking government money (which almost no hospitals could afford to do).  This seems fairly reasonable to me because as long as they aren’t using my money to do it, I don’t have any say in what they do.

Just my 2 cents.

photo via flickr

My friend’s boyfriend would always tell her he loved her body but she never believed him (they never do) — so he bought her a donut everyday till she believed him. Sounds strange, but it worked.

– ciara, responding to the (oldie-but-goodie) post “Your Call: How Can I Convince My Girlfriend I Love Her Body?”

A little less than three weeks ago, we received the following letter of complaint. Our official response is posted below it:

Dear Em & Lo,

I want to express my disappointment in this website for not giving space to any of the major sex and sexual health-related news stories this week.  While I visit your website because it is a lot of fun, I also find it informative.  I think you’re doing your readers a huge disservice by not incorporating current news on relevant topics.  You should seriously consider having a “current events” post as part of your weekly roundup.  Issues you could have included this week:

• CA’s 9th circuit court of appeals finds Proposition 8 unconstitutional
• Washington state’s House legislators vote to legalize gay marriage
• President Obama makes a compromise with the Catholic Church which protects their religious freedoms while still allowing all women access to free birth control
• JC Penny stands up to “One Million Moms,” defending their decision to make Ellen DeGeneres their spokesperson

Em & Lo, I expect more from you.  I hope to see more coverage of important sex-related current events on this website in the future.

Ouch. You really know how to hit us where it hurts. We pride ourselves on being activists, in our own small way, for reproductive rights and sexual freedom. Everything you mentioned above is important — and should be on every thoughtful person’s radar, especially ours. But there are several reasons why we might not be as thorough as you — or we — would like (cue the violins!):

• It’s literally just the two of us. We are the editorial directors, writers, uploaders, project managers, marketers, business developers and designers of this site. Yes, we have interns that are great with research, three doctors who are wise with all things health-related, a small army of Wise Guys who give this site some much-needed male perspective, and two personal love slaves who write the code and fix tech stuff when it breaks. But they all volunteer their time and talents, and so we can’t expect them to take on the responsibility of an actual staff. If we want to get something done, we’ve got to do it ourselves.
• You know the old adage, “sex sells”? Well, we’re here to tell you that it doesn’t. At least not if the sex is honest, frank, realistic, feminist, and has a sense of humor. Trying to get this site in an ad network that doesn’t push porn or online dating sites for cheaters is like trying to get on “America’s Next Top Model” with a goiter. You mention strap-ons once and forget it! Plus, as a quiet German major and an artsy-fartsy English major respectively, neither of us ever really mastered the hard sell necessary to get ahead in business. And so despite all appearances to the contrary (our site does seem fairly slick, if we do say so ourselves), we’re not exactly rolling in it. In fact, we’re not even dipping our toes in it.*
• The two previous points + the reality of raising four little ones between the two of us = a limited amount of time we can dedicate to EMandLO.com. There just aren’t enough hours in our day to cover everything we’d like to cover.
• Finally, we do try to cover topical events in our weekly Naked News feature. But since we only have time for one installment every Tuesday, sometimes it seems a bit late for us to mention stuff that was all the rage the previous week — and so important events don’t always get covered.

All that said, we hear you, we get you, we agree with you. And so, in an effort to be a little more on top of current events, we’ve added a new Twitter feed in the lefthand sidebar, where we will aim to be a little more politically savvy and a little more current a little more often. It may not be the sweeping, exhaustive coverage we’d all like, but we hope you’ll appreciate that it’s something coming from the heart. Don’t say we never did anything for you!

Love,

Em & Lo

* Anyone who would like to offer their business acumen in an effort to not only keep EMandLO.com afloat, but also make it more vibrant, please contact us here. Obviously, we could use the help! Or, if you would like to donate to the cause — we’d love you forever — you can do so, securely, via Paypal right now, using the button below…

photo via flickr

In response to the post “How Do I Tell My BF He Sucks at Oral?” reader Dr Mountbank wrote the following (to massive acclaim from his fellow posters):

I’m an Old Guy, 70 to be exact. I have over 50 years of experience going down on women, and I can say without hesitation that each woman is different. Patience young men (and young women, too!), patience and a willing heart combined with a woman who feels SAFE telling you what she wants and can do so clearly…that is the key to bring many women to peak passionate release. For me there is nothing quite like pleasing a woman; first learning about her, and then pleasing her.

I want younger men and women to know that when I say practice and learning and all that, that I am not talking about years or even months. You can earn – as I did – the appellation of “an educated tongue” within a few hours or a few days. I was 23 when I was told for the first time – post cunnilingus, of course – that I had an “Educated Tongue.” And she wasn’t talking about linguistic facility in Mandarin. But she WAS talking about communication, that is communication between us via my tongue, lips, chin (yes boys, chin) and…this may be the most difficult to imagine without guffawing: my nose. (Settle down, Children, settle down…)

Now using virtually all of your facial features to pleasure a lady may seem not only far-fetched but just plain weird, but I’m trying to stir your imaginations; women are happy if you just learn to use your tongue intelligently and passionately (really truly enjoy what you are doing, Boys!). But if you’re willing to put in the time, then you may one day be able to surprise your woman with a double-tucking chin push followed by a nose-over combination double-twisting tongue-flip. That’s what took me fifty years to perfect! And I am only being slightly silly there, Lads. Some of those things I can actually still do!

photo via Flickr

In response to last week’s Confession from the woman whose boyfriend occasionally doesn’t orgasm during intercourse, Figleaf complemented the post with some very thoughtful insights…again. Maybe we should just rename the “Comment of the Week” feature to “Deep Thoughts by Figleaf“:

Oh wow is this a hugely important topic! There’s so much to unpack from this it would make a good book. But at least three things are really, really important about the fact that men don’t always come from sex:

1) As with the original poster women can end up thinking they’re doing something wrong.

2) As with, well, almost everybody it’s never happened with, the idea of a man not coming violates pretty much everything we “know” about men’s sexuality.

3) Because both men and women are likely to believe parts 1 and 2 above, men can feel under a heck of a lot of pressure to “produce.” Or at least pretend to.

Oh heck, there’s more

4) Getting back to #1, sometimes women really can do something “wrong” in bed. Which might sound horrible, and might sound like it’s just confirming every Cosmo reader’s worst nightmare, but really, it’s a heck of a lot better than the “common wisdom” of the 1970s and before that a woman can just lie there or (yikes!) be unconscious or even (yikes again!) dead and men will still get off.

5) See also how the belief contributes to the idea that male ejaculation more or less defines the stopping point of sex. Which, in turn, contributes to the idea that it’s harder for women to have orgasms “during sex.”

—

There’s also a really, really important clue in the line “Maybe I didn’t finish because I was worn out from the previous ten times we’ve done it this weekend.” We’re all very used to the idea that men initiate sex. And sort of by definition sex is initiated by horniness. And horniness also sort of implies ability or at least interest in having an orgasm. And so finally, again sort of by definition, we’re not really used to the idea that men might be called upon or feel obliged to have sex when they weren’t up to it but their partner was.

Which leads to another missing notion that’s actually kind of cool

6) It’s usually invisible to us since men usually wait till we’re already horny do the initiating but men need foreplay too.

And finally, as the writer noted, another casualty of the idea that men are always going to have an orgasm during sex is…

7) It’s not orgasms that make sex incredibly pleasurable, desirable, fulfilling, and hot.

I like to think of orgasms the way I think about dessert after a delicious meal. You don’t really see people over age six saying “there was no dessert so the whole meal sucked.” Same with orgasms.

One other way the orgasm/dessert analogy works, by the way: it’s fine and not even remarkable for someone to pass on dessert when offered; it would be rude beyond belief for someone else do decide “oh, she/he doesn’t need dessert so I’m not going to bother offering it.” Well. Not everybody has an orgasm during sex either, but unbelievably rude to assume one’s partner doesn’t want one.

Extending the orgasm/dessert analogy one last time, it might be just as rude, for both men and women, to insist that, no, no partner of mine leaves the table without eating dessert so I’m not going to stop pushing till they have one. That attitude just increases the pressure to please the partner by faking it.

Anyway, cool, cool post! As always men and women aren’t completely interchangeable. But once again we’re waaaay more alike than the stupid Mars/Venus viewpoint would have us believe.

– Figleaf

In response to our post “The Ten Worst Things You Can Say in Bed,” reader Walt Whitman wrote the following. And we have to say: he makes an excellent point!

I take minor issue with #10. ["Did you come?"] I think it’s a bit romantic to presume that one’s partner will simply know whether the other has climaxed. Speaking purely in terms of my own (straight) relationship, I often ask whether or not my girlfriend came, not because I’m clueless but because I want to develop exactly the kind of keen sense your rule presumes.

Sometimes the answer is so obvious that the question would be pointless, but other times the line between orgasm and “almost” is very thin.

Granted, the question can be annoying, especially if it’s asked merely to place a period at the end of the sex sentence (Jesus, the sick ways that that metaphor could mix…), or to satisfy insecurity.

Communication being so essential to the Em & Lo sexual satisfaction program, however, I think we can be a bit more lenient with this particular question.

And yes, I did.

photo via Flickr

In response to the “Your Call” about whether the stepfather whose stepdaughter told him in confidence that she was sexually active had an obligation to his wife to let her know, regular EMandLO.com commenter and Wise Guy Figleaf offered up some advice that confirms he’s one of the most thoughtful, reasonable and helpful people around these here parts. (Btw, Ape’s answer the day before Figleaf’s was spot-on, in our opinion, but Figleaf’s just took it that extra mile to secure the “comment of the week” spot):

While every former-peer-counselor and privacy-respecting bone in my body says don’t share something you’ve been told in confidence, and while I agree strongly with Ape that if you’re her parent and you’re parenting in good faith that should be sufficient, the problem is that you’re not just a parent, you’re a partner.

If your partner views you withholding that information as a relationship deal-breaker then you face the loss not only of contact with your partner but also of contact with her daughter, given that it’s almost inconceivable that she wouldn’t follow her mother should her mother leave you.

I don’t and probably can’t know your family’s details — how long you’ve been a parent to your step-daughter, how “proprietary” your partner is about her, what your partner’s relationship with her daughter is, etc.  So there could be exceptional circumstances here…

But here’s what I’m going to strongly recommend.

First, urge your step-daughter to tell her mom.  Offer to be supportive.  Offer to “war-game” it with her.  Offer your perspective on your partner’s likely reaction.  Determine if she feels she has real cause for fear or if she’s just working on ordinary teen embarrassment.  I mean think about it, if your partner’s got any kind of perspective at all then she, like a lot of “blustery” parents, is unlikely to flip out, send her daughter to a convent, and so on because she’s become sexual.

Second, if the first thing just isn’t going to go, then it’s time to have a conversation with your partner about her and your boundaries about her daughter.  See if you can get a realistic assessment of her level of trust in you.  Because as Ape says she really might be fine with your authentic parenting decision.  On the other hand, if she’s not then it’s going to be a hard choice, and you might have to work very hard on the in-family diplomacy, but you really do have an obligation to let your partner know.

One last thing.  There’s a phenomenon in a lot of families where one parent or the other will be dominating to the point that his or her partner becomes effectively a co-sibling or other kind of ally with the children.  One consequence of that dynamic is that it becomes extremely easy to share secrets and otherwise sort of passive/aggressively undermine the other parent’s authority.  Considerable evidence (including direct observation on my part) suggests this almost never turns out well in the end.  It’s tempting, it’s easy, but it’s also dangerous and lazy.  I’ve already said I don’t know your family dynamics so I’m not accusing you of participating in this dynamic at all.  But!  If you feel that might be happening (and you don’t always notice at first) then there’s a responsibility to one’s partner, one’s self, and most importantly one’s family to “man up,” or “woman up” and re-open those closed power/communication channels.  Again, the alternative is that things generally don’t end well.

photo via Flickr

In response to the post “Question of the Week: What’s Your Number?” reader Dannie says the following:

Honestly, I feel more pressure to lie about my number because I’ve only slept with one person, and plan to. When I say this, I typically have to defend my choice: no, I don’t feel like I’m “missing out;” no, I don’t think sleeping with more men would make me wiser or mature; yes, I really do feel satisfied and, after four years of great sex, predict that such feelings will continue. I know in my mother’s generation it was sort of a goal, but now, if you haven’t slept with more than one person, people act like you’re missing something big and that you’re a total prudish, backward (probably *gasp* Christian!), limited human being. I’m not any of those things. I think having as many partners as you want is a wonderful thing, be it none or two hundred. For me, at this point in time, I want one. I have one. I’m happy. And this long tirade is just proof of how, again, I felt the need to defend myself. But that was basically my point.

photo via flickr

Comments of the week don’t necessarily reflect our personal opinions — sometimes it’s simply a thoughtful response that we think merits further discussion. This week, in response to the post “Wise Guys: Is Sex on a First Date a Relationship Killer?” reader William says this:

Why would you want to have sex on the first date if you are looking for a LTR?  If you want sex; own up to it and don’t say you are looking for a LTR. The message it sends is totally wrong for a LTR.  Would you not wonder if the other party is having sex on other first dates that they go on?  There is no way to know how much you are really going to like a person until you have had a chance to spend some time with them and learn about them.

I personally think for a relationship to work you need to find out if they share your core values.  Ultimately do they want to get married? Do they like kids and want kids?  If you are going to be a couple, will they give up their personal privacy if that is what you want?

New acquaintances can seem very intriguing but that feeling can also fade very quickly once you start learning more about a person.  If you are TRULY looking for LTR … don’t rush to have sex … as the feelings sex will generate will most likely convolute how you truly like the person  …  and you will be left feeling hurt when ultimately the relationship does not work out.

photo via Flickr

John Bender, in response to the post “10 Reasons Your ‘Ugly Vagina’ Is Normal and Gorgeous”:

I am almost 60 years old. I have been with a fair amount of woman in my life. All colors and persuasions. I have never seen a vagina that I did not grow to love and adore. Because it was a part of the woman I had grown to love and adore.

Occasionally a few had very strong aroma, but it was usually a medical condition from poor body chemistry balanced (caused by diet or stress) or a yeast infection. I always gently discussed with my girlfriend and with a little attention the issue was resolved.

Other than that long lips, small lips, large amount of hair, sparse hair, I never consider this organ could ever be considered “ugly”.

NOTE: The current trend to shave the vulva totally turns me off. I don’t want to be with a prepubescent girl I want to be with a woman. And the 5 o’clock stubble really sucks.