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Comment of the Week: Dump Him!

November 13, 2013

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photo via Flickr

Sometimes you just need a bunch of total strangers to tell it to you straight. So far everyone agrees that the subject of this week’s “Your Call” query should end things once and for all with her deadbeat dude. Lisa Lisa’s was our favorite delivery of this tough love:

Delete his number; block him on facebook; tell any mutual friends, and your family what a jerk this guy is.  Get rid of him.  You deserve real–even if real for you is polyamory and a farm with goats (or whatever). You deserve better, and odds are, it’s out there for you.

 

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Comment of the Week: Friends with Benefits Starts with Friends

November 6, 2013

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Reader Anathema said the following in response to our post, “Your Call: Is This a FWB Situation or Something More?” We’re pretty sure she’s the most well-adjusted friend-with-benefits we’ve ever heard of!

I had a wonderful FWB thing with a guy for 2 1/2 years. He and I were both in open relationships (which is why it ended–his fiancee decided to change the rules which, fair enough, though sad). B

But when we were first talking about the possibility, he was very nervous because he’d had an FWB thing in the recent past that went very, very badly–basically with a woman who wanted sex and sex only and was just weird and mean to him, didn’t respect his boundaries, etc. I told him that “friends with benefits” starts with “friends” as far as I’m concerned.

We had a lot of great sex but we also went snowboarding, did geeky gaming together, lunch in the park, shopping at Target, etc. He really did become one of my best friends, and blessedly, after some awkwardness and readjustment, that seems to be holding. We already have our ski passes for this winter!

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Comment of the Week: Even Friends with Benefits Spoon

October 23, 2013

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Reader Finikki said the following in response to our post, “Your Call: Is This a FWB Situation or Something More?”

When someone tells you they don’t want a relationship, believe them.

Don’t make the mistake of thinking that experiencing intimacy with someone (like cuddling and talking for hours) necessarily means they want a relationship. People who want sex but don’t want relationships can crave intimacy like that just as much as anyone else. Especially if they were recently in a long-term relationship where sex and intimacy often went hand-in-hand. It could be nothing more than habit.

But his actions aren’t the real question here. The question is, what do YOU want? You don’t say that you want a relationship with him, you just sound hopeful that he wants one. If you’re looking for a relationship, be honest with yourself and him and don’t waste your time on someone not interested in that.

If that’s what you want, tell him. If he “doesn’t want to put a label on it” (a common way to continue an FWB relationship when the other party wants something more), you have your answer. Move on and find someone who wants to really be with you. Don’t keep sleeping with him and using him as a surrogate boyfriend if you want a real commitment.

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Comment of the Week: You CAN Handle the Truth!

October 16, 2013

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If you know us, you know that we are not averse to a little self promotion now and then, nor are we immune to flattery — in fact, it will get you everywhere. Hence, a little positive reinforcement of a short but sweet note we got recently validating all we do around these here parts:

I have been reading your responses and I think you are so fucking honest. Keep pumping us with true realities.



Comment of the Week: BDSM Is More About Trust Than Ropes & Chains

October 10, 2013

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Sutra Chainlink Cuffs by LELO
Reader sex_is_weird_thats_all said the following in response to our post, “Wise Guys: Do Men Have Rape Fantasies, Too?”

Despite the people who end up in the news, there is usually in any metropolitan area a very legit BDSM community. I have a group of friends that includes a sizable chunk of people who are into that sort of thing. In my experience these people are excellent communicators, emphasizing trust and safety above all. I really have been blown away by just how much class they demonstrate. They are careful about who they let in (no one who is unbalanced/nuts). Start researching it online and you will know when you find what I am talking about… one thing to remember is that BDSM does not always involve ropes and chains, sometimes it is just “realistic costumes” (i.e. like a ski mask and heavy clothes for a “male rapist”). The wikipedia article is excellent BTW, relatively thorough:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BDSM

One thing that I hear a LOT from people who are in that classy/safe BDSM community is that everything in what they do is trust, trust, trust. Not just on the part of someone who is tied up or being “ravished/raped,” but talking before and afterwards about what they like and don’t like. They usually get together in groups and do what they call a “scene” which is acting out some kind of fantasy that always has a “safe word” to stop the scene. There is usually a host who knows and verifies the background of everyone there. Despite a scene being private they usually have someone who is designated to keep tabs on everything making sure that the “safe word” stays sacrosanct.

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Comment of the Week: How to Talk About Penis Size with Your Man

October 2, 2013

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photo via Flickr

Reader Tony offers the following answer to the post question “If He Asks About Size, Can I Tell Him the Truth?” :

I would try as much as possible to stay with a response that is both kind and honest.  As a man, if my partner is trying to stick to those two principles I can deal with any answer a lot more easily.

I would also answer the question behind the question – am I a good and worthy lover/partner?

A man can’t change his penis size.  He can certainly change how he approaches sex, and your relationship, with good communication.  I would focus on that.

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Comment of the Week: After 30 Years, She Used a Vibrator in Front of Me

September 25, 2013

2 Comments

Reader rda said the following in response to our post, “Do You Name Your Favorite Sex Toys?” We are truly impressed and inspired!

I got to see my wife pleasure herself today for the first time all the way — with a new dildo vibrator we purchased. She started hesitantly but once she got into it, it was hot and very arousing for me. Then the two of us finished and it was mind-blowing. Here’s the kicker: She is 61 and it took me 30 years to get her to let go and do it in front of me. We both really enjoyed it. She named the unit Pete!

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Comment of the Week: Monogamish Is the Future

September 18, 2013

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Franklin Veaux’s Map of Non-Monogamy

This week’s Comment of the Week by AlanK is a response to last week’s Comment of the Week called “9 Reasons Why Women Cheat” by  Johnny, which was a response to the post “Why Women Cheat — A Married Man Goes Undercover”:

Things wear out; the tires on your car wear out; but you just get new tires, you don’t get rid of the car.

Lust wears out. Really. For most (not all, but most) of us. We can either throw out the relationship or find a way to get new tires.

Monogamish is the future. Hardly anyone can be happily monogamous for 40 years. Even Al Gore quit. Life is long; lust is short.

Female infidelity is like male infidelity. It will come sooner or later. Everyone loves the sound of a train in the distance. Best to build it into your relationship. It’s only infidelity if you lie about it.

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Comment of the Week: 9 Reasons Why Women Cheat

September 11, 2013

5 Comments

Long-time reader (and unofficial EMandLO.com sage!) Johnny said the following in response to our post “Blog Snog: Why Women Cheat — A Married Man Goes Undercover”:

Women cheat because:

  1.  They are no longer sexually excited by their partners.
  2. They are no longer emotionally excited by their partners.
  3. Their partners are no longer sexually or emotionally interested in them either, and the good feelings they get from being lusted after anew outweigh the bad feelings they get from doing something wrong.
  4. They got married too young, with too little sexual experience under their belts, and now that the penis holds no further terror for them, they’re just dying to know what a casual screw with a hot stranger is like.
  5. It’s been a long since they’ve had an adrenaline rush of any kind.

… and those are just the circumstantial cheaters, who I classify as imperfect but forgivable human beings. The inveterate cheaters, who are just pieces of shit, have their own set of reasons:

  1. They get off on deceit.
  2. They have ulterior motivations for being in a relationship at all, such as gold-digging, and never even considered being faithful.
  3. They are toxic, abusive personalities, and they thrive on the emotional destruction wrought by infidelity.
  4. They just can’t be satisfied with a single sexual partner, which I would consider forgivable, except that they really should have been up front with their partners about that from the start.

Am I pretty much on the money?

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Comment of the Week: Don’t Make Sex So Goal-Oriented

September 5, 2013

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photo via Flickr

We love all our sage, eloquent commenters! Like Bryan responding to our recent Your Call post, “My Boyfriend Puts Too Much Pressure On My Orgasm“:

My guess is that you are both putting entirely too much pressure on your sexual response. The same thing happens to men who suffer from psychological ED. The more you think about it, the more you try to consciously will it to happen, the less likely it is to happen. instead of trying harder to orgasm, you counter-intuitively need to try less. After explaining to your boyfriend that your medication makes it more difficult for you to orgasm, tell him (and yourself) that you need to take a slower, more intimate approach to love-making. Lots of sensual touch, making out, oral sex, all of it without orgasm as a goal. You’re just going to enjoy the closeness of being together, touching each other, and making love. Honestly, this is how middle-aged and older people have sex anyway, because our bodies don’t often allow for the slamming, goal-oriented sex of our twenties. It can take longer to become aroused, and sometimes orgasm doesn’t happen at all, sometimes even for men. You’ve both got to learn to enjoy the experience for its own sake, and if orgasm happens, it’s a nice bonus.


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