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Comment of the Week (OR EMandLO.com Has the Smartest Readers!)

April 17, 2013

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We feel honored, lucky and humble that some very smart readers and writers choose EMandLO.com as their place to intelligently discuss and debate issues of sexuality and culture. Exhibit A: The comments section of last week’s Comment of the Week, which was a response to the post “Your Call – How Long Can a Virgin Make a Guy Wait?”, in which Eric provocatively railed against women putting arbitrary waiting periods on sex. We hoped it would spark further conversation and it did! All of the comments to Eric’s original comment are worth reading: they’re thoughtful and thought-provoking. Here’s one of them below, but again, it’s worth reading them all here because like we said, our commenters are AWESOME!

Claire Says: 

I also would like to respond to this: ‘If I meet a girl and she puts arbitrary time limits on sex that’s a form of “control.” It’s a BIG turn off. A signal that some time in the future sex may be withheld to get her way. That’s childish.’

It isn’t an arbitrary time limit to be dating someone and not want to have sex with that person right away or for even a long period of time. It’s not a matter of deciding, “Oh, it’s okay to have sex only after the third date.” It’s a matter of a woman actually wanting to have sex with the person she is seeing. It’s about feeling comfortable and trusting the other person. Yes, having sex with someone may help determine how sexually compatible you are, increase intimacy, and be fun, but many women and men don’t want to have sex with someone until there is a level of trust and understanding. Especially since as you are implying having sex with someone may determine how much you actually like them.

True, you can’t always know if someone will be a jerk in the future, but you can get to know someone well enough before having sex to know you feel safe with that person and have confidence that she or he is caring.

Also, saying no to sex does not mean a woman is trying to use sex to get what she wants. Maybe she just doesn’t want to have sex because she is upset with her partner and doesn’t want to be intimate in that way. People don’t always want to have sex.

Everyone should be able decide when they feel ready to have sex. Ultimately sex might not be as big of a deal as it seems when you haven’t had sex, but it still is important to listen to yourself. Just because other women are having sex doesn’t mean any woman has to say yes to men in order to be liked. If I were the 26 year old virgin I’d steer clear of anyone that put pressure on me to have sex or implied that I should have sex with him because he can get it from other women.

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Comment of the Week: Just Say No to Arbitrary Time Limits on Sex!

April 9, 2013

5 Comments

photo via flickr

For the record, when we pick a “Comment of the Week,” it’s not necessarily an indication that we agree with the poster. We’re not that narrow-minded, we swear! Sometimes we pick comments that make an interesting point, or comments we think will start an interesting debate, or comments that present an argument in a new way. To wit, we don’t agree with everything that reader Eric  says below, in response to our post, “Your Call – How Long Can a Virgin Make a Guy Wait?” But we did find it interesting to hear from a guy who says that he finds it easier to concentrate on building a relationship once the sex thing is out of the way.

WOW! 26 and a virgin? Here’s some facts:

If you’re worried about being considered “loose” or a “slut,” I have only heard other WOMEN use these terms. A girl has a much greater chance of being in a relationship with me if we get the sex thing out of the way A.S.A.P. then we see if we really like each other instead of just waiting til “that night.”

Oh and for those you telling her to move on cause these guys aren’t worth it, she may not being having sex, but your fellow women are.

If I meet a girl and she puts arbitrary time limits on sex that’s a form of “control.” It’s a BIG turn off. A signal that some time in the future sex may be withheld to get her way. That’s childish.

You’re missing out on some really good relationships. The person you do lose it to might end up being a jerk anyway, there’s really no way to tell.

Live your life, be human, have sex — or don’t, and come back in a few years on another blog complaining about being a 30 year old virgin who can’t find “The right guy.”

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Comment of the Week: The Real Reason They Never Call

April 3, 2013

0 Comments

photo via Flickr

An interesting exchange about the call that never comes occurred in the comments section of the post “Wise Guys: Why Didn’t He Call When He Said He Would?” Johnny, we’ll take your kinder, gentler pickup techniques over more aggressive, mean-spirited “attack” approaches any day:

Phonecall Says: The problem is not them NOT calling, the problem is them saying they will call and NOT calling. Pretty simple. I hate when men do this, and they do this far too often. Fuck them. They have no respect and no balls.

Johnny Says: Years ago I had a brief and successful foray into the study of pickup. During that time I cracked the phone number code, and learned something that has vexed men since the telephone was invented: women will actually reject you by giving you a phone number.

I learned that any woman who talks to you for five minutes will give you her number. I also learned that this is no indication at all of her desire to meet with you. Just because she gave you her number, doesn’t mean she’ll ever pick up when you call, or return your calls, or accept an invitation. Yep. Women will give you their numbers just to get rid of you. They’ll almost never come out and say, “thanks but no thanks.” Confusing, huh?

By the time a guy has been through this, oh, thirty times, he starts doing the same thing as Phonecall: making negative, genital-based generalizations about the nature of feminity. What the fuck is with women? Have they no integrity, no honesty, no respect for the time or feelings of a genuine guy?

I, for one, was sick of thinking that way. I wanted to be one of the guys who had it easy with women. I attacked the problem empirically and analytically.

The first thing I did was learn the pattern. A phone number does not equal an indicator of interest. You should therefore look for signs of interest elsewhere. It’s in her body language, in her physical proximity, in the way she looks at you, in her voice. Bam. Success. Once I learned how to read when a woman was REALLY attracted, this problem cleared right up. I rarely got rejected anymore because I only spent energy on women who liked me back. No more phone flakes.

The second thing that happened was, I developed empathy for the female experience. Most women out there have dealt with major clingers. I’d even say that most women have dealt with a psycho or two – the kind of guy who becomes scary or insulting when rejected or otherwise butthurt. There’s a reason women take the path of least resistance when rejecting men. It’s self-preservation.

So, to bring this all full circle, back to Phonecall’s comment… the reason women HATE getting blown off is because they invented that trick. They’re all too aware of EXACTLY why a guy hasn’t called. And it hurts, naturally! Easier to lob insults at him – ball-less lout! not a real man! – than to admit to oneself, “shit, he doesn’t desire me, and he’s taking the easy way out, exactly as I’ve done repeatedly.”

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Comment of the Week: How I Learned My Penis Was Normal

March 27, 2013

2 Comments

Our long-time and wise-as-all-get-out reader Figleaf said the following in response to our post, “How (and Why) to Have Sex with the Lights On”:

I learned how erect penises are “supposed” to look from a very rough sketch in a “sex education” book I stumbled across.

My penis didn’t look like that. At all! At ALL!

I realized then and there that I was a deformed freak! Unlike the image, which stuck straight out like a spar on a sailboat my penis curved up. And up! Mine had veins. And the tube of the urethra wasn’t buried inside the penis, it ran along the underside.

I was so freaked out, for so long, that no woman could ever stand the horror that was my penis.

So freaked out that when my first partner asked if she could touch it, I broke down and confessed my shame. She was sorrowful as I, but said she loved me anyway and wanted to “try” touching it anyway.

I said okay. But only in the dark. And when the time came I was so anxious… terrified!… that I nearly cried.

She touched it, and didn’t run screaming from the room.

Neither of us had ever seen a real erection. Except mine.

It wasn’t till I became partners with a woman who’d had sex with other men that…

I was actually perfectly normal.

Just like your labia are perfectly normal.

I’ll go one step further: I’m a straight male so my penis just… doesn’t seem terribly attractive to me. Normal or not. Sounds like you’re a straight woman, right? And so it’s unlikely you’re really set up to appreciate your own vulva either.

Even if your partner didn’t love you, adore you, lust after you, and care madly and passionately about you, he’d still probably have a favorable bias towards your party-colored labia that… you may never share. And for this reason too you’re not the best person to judge whether you’re a “freak” or not. Any more than poor teenaged me was the best judge of my own parts.

Last point: As I (eventually) found out, it’s way better to get it over with and find out, than fearing to the point of tears for years on end. And as with me, you’re almost certainly going to find out that, as Em & Lo say above, you’re perfectly normal.

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Comment of the Week: EMandLO.com Works, It Really Works!

March 20, 2013

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This week we received a note that makes all our hard work (for so little money) totally worthwhile:

Hi Em and Lo,

I just wanted to let you guys know that I recently had the best sex of my life so far, and I believe it was almost entirely because I’ve been reading your advice and it convinced me to try something I’d always felt awkward about: COMMUNICATION!

Actually clearly voicing what felt great and what I wanted to happen felt a little weird but just made the whole situation so much more rewarding. No more vaguely mumbling things or staying quiet for me!

So thank you!

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Comment of the Week: How to Handle a Husband Who Doesn’t Want Sex

March 13, 2013

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image via Wiki Media

Reader K said the following in response to the post, “Your Call: My Husband Isn’t Interested in Sex with Me.”

I am dealing with some of the same issues. My husband hardly ever wants to have sex. He used to blame it on my weight gain, the house is messy, he’s too tired . . . Finally he admitted that he has trouble getting it up. He’s in his mid 50s, a long-time smoker, and diabetic. I clicked on this page because I was hoping someone had some ideas. Instead I feel that I have advice:

  1. There are likely deeper issues there. See if you can get some alone time to tell him how much you love him and let him know you want to know what’s REALLY going on.
  2. Get him to a doctor if you can. Diabetes, high blood pressure, low testosterone, high stress, obesity, and many other conditions may make it difficult or impossible for him to perform.
  3. Be patient. Sometimes I think of how I would handle things if my husband was paralyzed or otherwise truly unable to have sex. I would still stick with him because I love him.

I hope some of this is helpful. I have gotten to the point where I’ve been turned down for sex so many times that it’s hard to try anymore, but I won’t give up. I love him too much to allow lack of sex to ruin a good thing.

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Comment of the Week: Learn to Work with What You’ve Got

March 6, 2013

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photo via Flickr

Sweetness is a woman after our own hearts: Size does matter but it’s all relative, Insert tab A into slot B, what works for one person may not work for another… It’s like she’s transcribing right out of one of our sex manuals! Whether she’s a kindred spirit, a super fan, or a plagiarist, we’re fans of her response to the post “Advice: My New Boyfriend Has a Small Penis…At Least, It’s Small to Me”:

Ok folks, here’s the deal. Size *does* matter. It matters for both parties. Women who are tight and shallow will always prefer smaller men. Women who are deeper and wider want bigger. There’s a whole are of eastern medicine that helps determine if both parties’ genitalia are suited for each other. Just like ears, noses, breasts, arses, feet and everything else, our genitalia varies from one person to the next.

I happen to be a rather deep woman with a very elastic vagina. I can take large cocks with ease and orgasm well, even when the guy is hitting deep. But, I also have the *best* orgasms from my very average hubby. We’re talking mind blowing multiples. His size is average, but he has taken the time to learn my body and what I like. He’s been with other women who were just way too shallow for him to do even moderately hard thrusting. Its all very personal, is what I’m saying. What blows one woman’s mind may be a total turn off for another.

So my advice to smaller than average guys everywhere is this, learn your woman’s body and you can play her like a harp. If she’s deep, grind it. If she’s shallow, try lighter upward thrusts. Most importantly, talk to each other!

Oh, and for the women, stop giving men complexes about their cocks. Like I said above, we’re all different. Just because its not right for you doesn’t mean its not perfect for someone else. If if the intercourse is not cutting it, but you really like the guy, try introducing a different position. Tell him that you love it when he does x. And *don’t* judge by what you see, give the guy a chance. A guy may look small, but it can be a whole different ballgame once tab a is inserted into slot b.

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Comment of the Week: Orgasms Make Me Gassy

February 27, 2013

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Reader Brak Wiend (heh) wrote the following in response to the post “Dear Dr. Joe: Do Some Men Fart When They Ejaculate?” The comment made us laugh and wince at the same time, but mostly it made us want to give this poor guy a hug (except without squeezing too hard, given his tendencies). Seriously, though, this is a reminder of why we all need to have a sense of humor about sex, and not be so uptight about bodily emissions. Farts happen. Queefs happen. Periods happen. These things are not the end of wild crazy passionate sex — in fact, being able to laugh together about farts (et al) in bed can actually increase intimacy. And increased intimacy can lead to wilder, hotter, kinkier sex, aw yeah.

I am actually one of these men. I dont fart at the exact same time but usually within about 5 minutes. after ejaculating I feel very relaxed and when I let my body relax I rip some seriously raunchy farts. Like I fart sometimes and its what ever, but the after sex farts smell like something died in my colon. Its actually very embarassing. I actually farted on a woman while she was down there giving me head one. It has more to do with tighening of the abs and a general feeling of being relaxed. its very embarassing. I have found that if I ‘go to the kitchen to grab water’ after sex its a convenient way to get out of the room.

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Comment of the Week: “Attraction” Doesn’t Just Mean Looks

February 20, 2013

1 Comment

photo via flickr

In response to the post “Your Call: How Can I Talk to Men Without It Being About Sex?” reader Alisa (who was the original letter writer in the “Your Call” post) said, “I believe lots of guys like and respect women they find attractive.” Reader Chin Up, Chest High would like to clarify, on behalf of men:

It is the other way around… men are attracted to women who are likeable and have things other than her body to attract a man. Ambition, character, and a sense of humor are incredibly sexy to us. If you have at least one of these things, you will get the sort of attention you desire from the men you want attention from.

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Comment of the Week: Telling on a Cheat Could Save a Life

February 13, 2013

2 Comments

Reader Jay Bee said the following in response to our post, “Your Call: Should I Tell Her He’s Cheating on Her?”

As someone who may die from the cervical cancer my cheating exhusband gave me from one of his mistresses, you NEED to tell the wife.

I highly doubt you are the first person he’s cheated on his wife with. While you have the benefit of being able to choose to use protection, married women in relationships they believe to be monogamous see no reason to use protection as they believe there is nothing to be exposed.

My ex-husband was tested for everything before we got married, he was my first sexual partner and I discovered the hard way that he was cheating on me when it was discovered I had cervical cancer from HPV he picked up from one of his many mistresses and manstresses he was having unprotected sex with.

I had no idea, and now I could die as a result.

Yes she may go crazy at you, and she may not be grateful, but from one human being to another, you owe her the truth to save her life.

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