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Comment of the Week: The Risks of Making Your Fantasy a Reality

December 3, 2013

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Reader Dave posted the following cautionary tale in response to our post, “Your Call: I Want My Wife to Have an Affair; She Thinks I’m Nuts”:

I think you need to tread very carefully here… just to give you my experience…

My wife and I often talked about her being with another guy while we were making love and it really heated things up and she would often get really turned on by the idea (during sex) but afterwards not so much.

One day we were at a nudist beach and walking through the dunes, this guy with a towel wrapped around him flashed his semi-erect penis at my wife. She stopped dead and could hardly believe her eyes, we talked about it for a few secs and decided we would pitch our beach shelter and have some fun with this guy. Once set up, the wife and I started to make love while he watched on, he gradually came closer and touched my wife’s breasts.

She seemed ok with this so we kept going, then I got too horny and had a disconnect between my brain and the rest of me, I took her hand and placed it on his balls. She didn’t really react and started to do more with him.

Eventually, he came on her hand and breast. I was in heaven still making love to her. However, not long after she told me to stop, that she couldn’t continue, and started crying. We packed up said goodbye to the guy and left.

Afterwards we talked about it and it turns out she was happy to be watched but never wanted to touch the guy and after I made her touch him she was upset and just wanted it to finish quickly, which is why she pulled him to make it end as soon as she could. If I hadn’t rushed her in to touching him, she said that she thinks it could have happened naturally when she was ready but that now she no longer wants to think about it or try it again.

That was several years ago and it still causes problems in our relationship and sex life.

Please do not rush in to anything and don’t push her in to doing anything she doesn’t want. Anything you agree to do should be talked about well in advance and clear boundaries set so everyone knows what everyone else is comfortable with.

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Comment of the Week: You Don’t Have to Accept His Porn Habit

November 27, 2013

8 Comments

photo via flickr

Reader Kendra said the following in response to our post, “Comment of the Week: How to Get Past His Porn Habit.”  We have to admit to a little mea culpa upon reading this. Yes, we do tend to tell female readers to find a way to compromise when it comes to their male partners’ porn habit, and perhaps that’s not always the best answer. Anyway, in the spirit of Thanksgiving, we’re posting one reader’s very different take on the issue here, just to prove that you don’t have to kiss our asses in order to get featured here!

Why is no porn not an option on this list, which was created for someone who is not exactly in favor of porn. I find this to be very un-feminist and quite frankly, totally male-dominated advice. Basically, you’re telling the person who’s uncofomfortable with porn use to force themselves to become okay with it. Tell him to “cover his tracks?!” So, hide it and pretend the problem does not exist? Yep, that’ll make for a great relationship. And when he’s out screwin’ someone else, just make sure he covers his tracks well there, too, right?

Why was “if you’re uncomfortable with it, you DON’T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH IT” not an option on the list? That should’ve been first on the list. Nobody should have to make themselves deal with something that hurts them. Nobody should. It’s not okay.

How about some better advice: Don’t put up with it! Know that you are better than that and that you’re better than being second best or even having to share! IMO, it’s either all me and only me (because I’ve realized that I’m that good. I’m worthy and I’m plenty good enough) or no me at all. I don’t do sharing. Some people can stifle the porn pain, others cannot, but advice should include options to not put up with it if you are very, very upset with it.

It makes you feel badly? You told the reader that it was THEIR problem to deal with!? Noooo! That is terrible advice. In a relationship, problems are BOTH parties’ problems to “deal with.”

If you don’t like pornography, you can ask your partner to figure out which is more important — you or porn. If he chooses you, fabulous! If not, there are plenty out there who do not need pornography to be turned on.

Plus, why should anyone be told to put up with second best or sharing when there’s a big possibility they could have what they really, really want — to be their partner’s ONLY? Yes, there are plenty of men out there who love their partner enough not to have desires for other’s.

Take it or leave it, but NEVER settle like this awful advice says for you to.

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This Site Is Better Than Therapy (Also: Yay, Strap-Ons)

November 20, 2013

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Reader P warmed the cockles of our hearts when she said the following, in response to our post, “Strap-on Sex Won’t Turn You Gay (If You Aren’t Already)”:

The reason I found this site is because I was watching different types of porn to see if I could be stimulated and I found very few did. I am bi, and lesbian porn does little for me, gay porn I love, straight porn is boring all the same. Today I discovered women fucking men with strap-ons, and I am not dead down below.

The reason I looked this up and found this site is because due to sexual emotional and physical abuse, I am very submissive, but have never enjoyed sex with men or women. Watching porn has made me realize that the reason is, I want to do the fucking. I have not been with a man or woman for over fifteen years because of my issues.

Reading your comments make me feel less of a freak. Thanks, you have done more for me than all the therapists I have seen.

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Comment of the Week: Dump Him!

November 13, 2013

0 Comments

photo via Flickr

Sometimes you just need a bunch of total strangers to tell it to you straight. So far everyone agrees that the subject of this week’s “Your Call” query should end things once and for all with her deadbeat dude. Lisa Lisa’s was our favorite delivery of this tough love:

Delete his number; block him on facebook; tell any mutual friends, and your family what a jerk this guy is.  Get rid of him.  You deserve real–even if real for you is polyamory and a farm with goats (or whatever). You deserve better, and odds are, it’s out there for you.

 

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Comment of the Week: Friends with Benefits Starts with Friends

November 6, 2013

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Reader Anathema said the following in response to our post, “Your Call: Is This a FWB Situation or Something More?” We’re pretty sure she’s the most well-adjusted friend-with-benefits we’ve ever heard of!

I had a wonderful FWB thing with a guy for 2 1/2 years. He and I were both in open relationships (which is why it ended–his fiancee decided to change the rules which, fair enough, though sad). B

But when we were first talking about the possibility, he was very nervous because he’d had an FWB thing in the recent past that went very, very badly–basically with a woman who wanted sex and sex only and was just weird and mean to him, didn’t respect his boundaries, etc. I told him that “friends with benefits” starts with “friends” as far as I’m concerned.

We had a lot of great sex but we also went snowboarding, did geeky gaming together, lunch in the park, shopping at Target, etc. He really did become one of my best friends, and blessedly, after some awkwardness and readjustment, that seems to be holding. We already have our ski passes for this winter!

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Comment of the Week: Even Friends with Benefits Spoon

October 23, 2013

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Reader Finikki said the following in response to our post, “Your Call: Is This a FWB Situation or Something More?”

When someone tells you they don’t want a relationship, believe them.

Don’t make the mistake of thinking that experiencing intimacy with someone (like cuddling and talking for hours) necessarily means they want a relationship. People who want sex but don’t want relationships can crave intimacy like that just as much as anyone else. Especially if they were recently in a long-term relationship where sex and intimacy often went hand-in-hand. It could be nothing more than habit.

But his actions aren’t the real question here. The question is, what do YOU want? You don’t say that you want a relationship with him, you just sound hopeful that he wants one. If you’re looking for a relationship, be honest with yourself and him and don’t waste your time on someone not interested in that.

If that’s what you want, tell him. If he “doesn’t want to put a label on it” (a common way to continue an FWB relationship when the other party wants something more), you have your answer. Move on and find someone who wants to really be with you. Don’t keep sleeping with him and using him as a surrogate boyfriend if you want a real commitment.

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Comment of the Week: You CAN Handle the Truth!

October 16, 2013

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If you know us, you know that we are not averse to a little self promotion now and then, nor are we immune to flattery — in fact, it will get you everywhere. Hence, a little positive reinforcement of a short but sweet note we got recently validating all we do around these here parts:

I have been reading your responses and I think you are so fucking honest. Keep pumping us with true realities.



Comment of the Week: BDSM Is More About Trust Than Ropes & Chains

October 10, 2013

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Sutra Chainlink Cuffs by LELO
Reader sex_is_weird_thats_all said the following in response to our post, “Wise Guys: Do Men Have Rape Fantasies, Too?”

Despite the people who end up in the news, there is usually in any metropolitan area a very legit BDSM community. I have a group of friends that includes a sizable chunk of people who are into that sort of thing. In my experience these people are excellent communicators, emphasizing trust and safety above all. I really have been blown away by just how much class they demonstrate. They are careful about who they let in (no one who is unbalanced/nuts). Start researching it online and you will know when you find what I am talking about… one thing to remember is that BDSM does not always involve ropes and chains, sometimes it is just “realistic costumes” (i.e. like a ski mask and heavy clothes for a “male rapist”). The wikipedia article is excellent BTW, relatively thorough:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/BDSM

One thing that I hear a LOT from people who are in that classy/safe BDSM community is that everything in what they do is trust, trust, trust. Not just on the part of someone who is tied up or being “ravished/raped,” but talking before and afterwards about what they like and don’t like. They usually get together in groups and do what they call a “scene” which is acting out some kind of fantasy that always has a “safe word” to stop the scene. There is usually a host who knows and verifies the background of everyone there. Despite a scene being private they usually have someone who is designated to keep tabs on everything making sure that the “safe word” stays sacrosanct.

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Comment of the Week: How to Talk About Penis Size with Your Man

October 2, 2013

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photo via Flickr

Reader Tony offers the following answer to the post question “If He Asks About Size, Can I Tell Him the Truth?” :

I would try as much as possible to stay with a response that is both kind and honest.  As a man, if my partner is trying to stick to those two principles I can deal with any answer a lot more easily.

I would also answer the question behind the question – am I a good and worthy lover/partner?

A man can’t change his penis size.  He can certainly change how he approaches sex, and your relationship, with good communication.  I would focus on that.

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Comment of the Week: After 30 Years, She Used a Vibrator in Front of Me

September 25, 2013

2 Comments

Reader rda said the following in response to our post, “Do You Name Your Favorite Sex Toys?” We are truly impressed and inspired!

I got to see my wife pleasure herself today for the first time all the way — with a new dildo vibrator we purchased. She started hesitantly but once she got into it, it was hot and very arousing for me. Then the two of us finished and it was mind-blowing. Here’s the kicker: She is 61 and it took me 30 years to get her to let go and do it in front of me. We both really enjoyed it. She named the unit Pete!

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