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Comment of the Week: A Small Penis Is Better Than No Hands

March 5, 2014


photo via Flickr

We selected this Comment of the Week with some hesitation — thanks, in part, to his terrible username, his unnecessary mention of his own penis size (i.e. not small), and his refusal to use punctuation (which we’ve provided for him) — but his heart really seemed like it was in the right place, so here’s a part of Womanareagift’s response to the post “Wise Guys: If He Asks About Size, Can I Tell Him the Truth?” He had some other good points buried within his comment, but honestly, we didn’t have the patience to extricate them from all the bad grammar.

As a guy, you should really not allow yourself to waste any of your life feeling unhappy about your penis. If it’s small, so what? What if you had no hands! You would be a lot less fortunate and [experience a lot less pleasure] than you can with hands and any size penis. I am around average size, based on all the feedback [I've heard], porn [I've seen] and showers at boarding school [I've taken]. I don’t feel inadequate in any way, and you should just be real. Why be concerned, did you somehow fuck up and get delivered a small one [as punishment?] NO, you had no control [over] what you got, so just use it to get as much pleasure as you desire and think [about what it would be like] if it got cut off or you had no hands.


Comment of the Week: How to Fall In Love with Your Wife Again

February 26, 2014


Reader John wrote the following in response to the post, “Comment of the Week: I’m Jealous of My Wife’s Friends.” It’s a long one, but stick ’til the end (just as he did, sorta) — you’ll be glad that you did!

About two years ago, I had mentally drifted away from my wife of over twenty years. It had gotten to the point that I felt I lost that strong connection we once had. We had spoken about it, but not made any decisions at that point (go forward, divorce, etc). And SEX had nothing to do with our issues. Quite the opposite, in fact. Our sex life continued to be outstanding, even right up to that point. But I got so disconnected, I moved into another part of the house, and contemplated divorce.

That’s when I started going out to bars and parties alone. During my travels to discover the perfect martini, I was seated at a hotel bar one night, minding my own business, sipping my favorite cocktail. Which is stirred, by the way (sorry 007, you got that wrong!). There was this kinda goofy dude seated to my right, and two attractive women seated to his right. I had never seen any of them prior to that night. The guy was chatting them up pretty vigorously, but I could tell by their responses, they were hardly interested.

I was surfing the internet at the time, on my new Kindle Fire, when one of the women farthest away, called over to me. I looked over and she said, “What is that you have there?” — referring to my new Kindle. I could see that she had that “Please come save me from this goofball” desperate look in her eyes. Rather humorous, I remember thinking. So, rather than trying to shout over Mr. “I’m from outta town” goofball, I decided to walk over and give her a demonstration of my new toy. Now the other women, on my left, was interested in the diversion my little device was providing. The goofy dude eventually got the message when no one was paying any attention to him.

As it turns out, the women on the left (A) was married, and the woman on the right (B) was in a committed relationship (living with her fiancé for several years). I had seen men hitting on women all the time regardless of their status. Not always in bars, either. The workplace, etc. You would have to be deaf, dumb, and blind not to think that happens all the time.

My point with all this? I wound up dating women (B) for approx. 8 months. Through my relationship with this women, I found out that this was not exactly uncommon. One of her close friends, also in a committed relationship, had been intimate with a man they had met during a convention in a hotel bar. I also found out that the friends of women B disliked her fiancé so much, they were setting her up on blind dates, even though they knew about me! Maybe it was the whole “he’s still married” thing. But so was she! She never divorced her first husband because of insurance reasons.

Needless to say, I had just bought myself a new set of problems! I ended the relationship after I found out about the blind dates. Yes, she could have refused to go, but she didn’t. These women were not slutty low life’s, you might be thinking right now. Surprisingly (or maybe not), they were all highly educated with advance degrees, and held administrative positions.

During this time, my wife was continuing to express a desire to fix things. She had started going to a counselor, and encouraged me to go as well, but I was very resistant. I decided that I needed to go at least once, for my wife’s well being. It’s been about a year since then, and we have been back together ever since (I mean REALLY back together!). I have attended many counseling sessions with my wife, and it’s been the best thing for the both of us. We really reconnected.

Yes, I came clean about my relationship with “B”. But I soon realized I was connecting (through just conversation, with the one exception being “B”) with women I hardly knew, to feel that newness, or freshness of a budding relationship. Ok, enough of my personal introspection, and analysis.

My wife and I decided to try some new things, toys, etc. to spice things up. Not that we needed to, but to add another dimension to our sexual relationship. It has really turned out to be the special relationship it always was. I had just stopped seeing it that way back then. Easy to do when you’re not looking.

So, in conclusion to this very long saga, I would encourage the writer to do the same. Seek professional advice if necessary. The bottom line: you have to discuss this with your wife, and let her know how you feel. But, going out every week, and taking yearly week long trips, all with single friends? After reading my post, does anyone see any red flags here? Kinda sounds like a former friend of mine from a few paragraphs ago.

Oh, and one last bit advice to the writer: be careful who you share with, or go to for advice. Everyone will have an opinion and be willing to tell you what they think, and what to do. For example; if there is something going on with your wife, but you decide to stay together and work it out, what do you think all those people who said dump her are going to say? Try to find that one person who will not judge you regardless of the outcome. And again, if all else fails, try seeing a therapist. You might be surprised. I was.



Comment of the Week: A Refresher Course on Female Anatomy

February 19, 2014

1 Comment

When we read loyal reader Nikki’s response to “Your Call: Do Bigger Penises Lead to Different Orgasms for Women?” it was like we were looking in a mirror, like she had channeled her inner Em & Lo. We are smellin’ what she’s steppin’ in! Amen, sister!*

The G spot is responsible for the so-called “vaginal” orgasm. I reject the clitoral/vaginal orgasm distinction for a number of reasons(origins in Freud and the belief that one is superior to the other, the fact that the G spot is probably just the internal part of the clitoris, etc).

In any case, the G spot is not buried way deep in the vagina, so whoever is telling you you need an 8 inch penis to reach it is full of it. Indeed, trying to probe deep into a woman’s vagina is likely to lead to less pleasure not more, as you’re likely to come into contact with her cervix (this does not lead to orgasm, trust me).

All women are different, but the G spot is generally located somewhere along the front wall of the vagina, within the first couple of inches of the vaginal opening. You can often find it with your fingers using a “come here” motion. Since the G spot is literally within reach, your “average” size is more than sufficient to stimulate it. It’s just a matter of finding a position that works for you and your partner of the moment because, again, everyone is different.

Finally, here are a couple of other things you should note. First, the majority of women require some kind of external clitoral stimulation to reach orgasm. So regardless of your penis size, you’re going to have to give the little man in the boat some love if you want to get most of your partners off. Second, not all women enjoy G spot stimulation, so you’ll need to communicate with your partner about her specific preferences. Third, a man’s insecurity about his penis can be a huge turn off, so don’t sweat it. For many, I dare say most, women, penis size is irrelevant. What matters is chemistry, communication, and how attentive your partner is to your pleasure. If you’ve got these things down, you have nothing to worry about.

*(Except for maybe the part about the cervix: there are some women out there who do enjoy pressure on their cervix — they are, admittedly, very few and far between, so agreed it’s not something people interested in pleasuring women have to focus on as a necessary skill set).


Comment of the Week: Give Virgins a Break!

February 12, 2014


Reader Jane said the following in response to our post, “Your Call: What’s the Best Way to Tell a Guy I’m a Virgin?”

If a girl is a virgin at a certain age, 20, 25, 30 etc… and she is with a guy, in a new relationship, and WANTS to have sex with him… why would a guy assume that sex won’t happen anytime soon just because she is a virgin??

I mean, if being a virgin was a fault, a mistake… and a girl finally WANTS to put an end to her state of “virginity”, obviously she has to have sex with a guy. But if all guys react this way and ran away… she still never has the chance to have sex..

Being in a new relationship and being a virgin means: “I’ve never had sex BEFORE”, but from the moment a girl, a virgin, finds a boyfriend, it just means she WANTS to have sex. She tells the guy she’s a virgin because she wants him to be delicate when they do it and not expect to have sex in all the kama sutra positions on the first night…

So what is it that scares guys? Is it actually the lack of sexual experience, rather than not expecting sex to happen anytime soon?

I think that’s really the problem. Nowadays, with the porn industry being so mainstream, every guy wants to have sex with a girl who “knows her ways”. So to me, that’s really what scares guy. They picture having sex with a virgin as laying in bed with someone crying all the time and not moving… And that’s just a prejudice! Someone who has never had sex before, but decides to do it, could be as passionate and hot as the guy wants… but by running away, he just gives her no chance to prove it. It’s all a prejudice. The word “virgin” recalls so many more “ghosts” than what it actually means.


Comment of the Week: The Only Thing You Can Control Is Yourself

February 5, 2014

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photo via Flickr

Reader Michael wrote a HUGE response to the post, “Your Call – Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater? It was a little meandering, and we weren’t sure we were quite down with all of his advice, so we took the liberty of gently editing it a bit with the Em & Lo red pen:

There is NOTHING you can do to ensure you don’t get hurt. NOTHING. Not if you intend on dating and being with someone. There are no guarantees, period. It doesn’t matter if you completely submit, or try to control every aspect of this situation — it has little to no effect on the situation. All you can control is you and your reactions. That’s all. You need to focus on how to deal with your fear, and mistrust of others, and try minimizing it’s grip on you, a little each day….

The best you can do is give your best to someone. If they betray that or force a situation in which you must leave, you have nothing to look back on with regret. I’m not saying to be a doormat, not at all, I’m simply saying that you must forget the idea that you can control this situation. You must come to terms with the idea that you are a great person, worthy of love and trust, and if you are with someone and they want that, they have to act accordingly. [But] hold on too tight, and you surely will not get where you want to be….

So how to start? Stare fear in the face and don’t flinch. Period. Tell him how you feel about him…. Engage him in talk about other women. Allow him to tell you if they are attractive to him, and you do the same, tell him if you think someone is good looking. Create an atmosphere of choice and not ownership. “Yeah, they’re hot…” but you are with the person you want to be with. The purpose of this is bigger than it seems. You not only draw in the other person with your ability to overcome fear, but you also show that it’s ok to be human with you, to think others are attractive, to have emotions and feelings and at the end of it all to be able to choose and make [make each other] feel chosen.

Even if it doesn’t last forever with that person, if you develop this ability you will find future relationships to be more open, understanding, and less scary…. Be the person he never thought he’d meet. Be the person you never thought you could be. Focus on you. It’ll work to your favor in the end…..

We only have this life, enjoy it. The happier you make yourself, the better your relationships will be. If something is not acceptable, then move forward. Not because of fear, because of your standards. But don’t take that fear with you from relationship to relationship…it’s a losing fight.


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Comment of the Week: TOO Equal in a Relationship = No Spark

January 29, 2014


Reader AndySea wrote the following in response to the post, “Your Call – He’s Kinky, She’s Vanilla, Is the Relationship Doomed?” What do the rest of you think: Is it true that in a relationship of equals, “the sexual spark is never as strong”? (For the record, AndySea is speaking of any kind of power dynamic in a relationship, either man or woman taking the lead.)

D/s relationships are a very amplified version of the sexual polarity that *usually* exists in intimate relationships anyway. The masculine partner in a vanilla relationship is still typically more assertive, conquering, and providing while the feminine is more acquiescent, feeling, and nurturing. It’s the interaction between these opposites that generates attraction as by their very natures they tend to seek each other out.

Forgive me if I speak in generalities here. The world is full of all kinds and more power to us all. I’m generally speaking of the 80% or so of relationships between masculine (usually men) and feminine (usually women) partners. Also, there are egalitarian relationships of equals out there, but the sexual spark is never as strong; the attraction there has been established above the neck. And that’s great… if that’s your thing and all you need in life.

But consider the similarities between vanilla and kinky folk:

A Dominant, a good one — just like a good vanilla man (or whatever gender is the partner who generally takes the “masculine” roll) — is assertive, trustworthy, honest, attentive, caring, and focused on the needs of his partner. A good sub, just like a good vanilla “woman” (again, YMMV regarding gender) is yielding (generally-except when it’s time to push back a bit for good measure ), a beautiful magnet for his desire, craving of the Dominant’s or “man’s” strength, conquest, and steadfastness.

The “yen/yang,” opposites attract magic that happens here is something to be cherished. And the kink, or any other type of relationship for that matter, can happen or even strengthen the bonds of the relationship where trust is built and honored constantly. Hard limits should be respected and soft ones should be pushed in a measured way that simultaneously demonstrates the The Dominant’s power and his care, the two of which have earned “her” submission.

Sorry for the essay on D/s vs vanilla sexual polarity, but I get a sense from your post that you’re giving kink very short shrift here, possibly holding it at arms length. Clearly going into a committed relationship involving marriage and a family is a bad idea if it’s something you just can’t work out. But ask yourself: Is he a good man? Is he’ just another instance of bad choices on your part? Does he truly understand and can he demonstrate his responsibility to care for you in your submission? And can YOU – this will heavily depend upon how you answered the questions above – trust him enough to truly and openly submit?

Leave no topic undiscussed between you. Be clear on all your understandings of hard/soft limits, safe words, etc… and how your interaction will take shape. But I think you’re doing yourself a disservice if you don’t do some exploring and experimenting and see what power and beauty a D/s or BDSM relationship might have to offer.


Comment of the Week: I Love EMandLO.com!

January 22, 2014


Okay, this isn’t a comment, it’s a private email we got this week, but it warmed the cockles of our hearts and stroked the nooks of our egos, so we just had to share. At first, upon cursory scan, we were afraid this might be some mildly creepy love letter from a reader with stalker potential, but it turns out it’s from a kindred spirit who just appreciates what we try to do around here. Posting it here is the equivalent of us sticking it up on our refrigerator doors for daily inspiration:

I love you. No, really. As a 41 year old lesbian feminist sex activist (or sextivist), I love you. As a woman, I love you. As a teacher in a small liberal arts college for women, I love you. As a professional photographer, I love you. As a sister of brothers, I love you.

It is through voices like yours that women learn that their sexuality fully belongs to them, to be expressed by and owned by them — that they deserve and are in possession of the same. Because when women take care of themselves, everything is taken care of – from Congress to the Congo.

So, thank you.

- J

No J, thank you.



Comment: My Neighbors Judge Me But This Site Doesn’t

January 15, 2014

1 Comment

The following letter broke our hearts a little, while also making our week. In the spirit of the new year, we have both been attempting to catalog the things we are grateful for, and this letter made us grateful for the following things: 1) Readers who like us, who really like us! 2) Husbands and neighbors and friends who support what we do for a living (“living” being a fairly euphemistic term, sometimes). 3) Prostates. 4) This reader’s awesome wife.

hi em and lo. i am so glad that some one is lifting the lid on taboo subjects regarding sex. i am married with two kids and a number of years ago my name was damaged due to a devious brother in law who made up stories and caused a lot of pain and suffering in my life. many friends turned their backs on me and a majority of people felt I was living a double life assuming I was gay.

I have no problem with people being gay but if your straight then there is a problem.I was reading about the male orgasam and decided to try prostate massage and somehow this got out. you wouldn’t believe what I have to put up with and still to this day. my whole life has changed now and not many people bother with me. i used to have a great social life…used to. The ignorance around this topic is unreal.

i know this is normal but others haven’t figured this out yet and label you in the wrong. my wife tells me to take no notice and forget about it but its not easy sometimes.i would like to say thanks for the wonderful work that you are doing. every little helps to change the consciousness of the planet.

– #1 Fan of Em & Lo & Prostate Massage


Comment of the Week: Booty Calls Require Good Communication

January 8, 2014


Another incredibly eloquent proponent of the well-negotiated booty call: Typhimurium in response to our post,  “Your Call: Will Ground Rules Scare Off My Booty Call?” 

So I recently had a really successful friend-with-benefits relationship, and if it’s all right I’d love to share what was key for me in building it.

My friend and I were pretty attracted to each other, but it wasn’t healthy to date each other (for various reasons that we both agreed on). So we talked about it, openly, with clothes on. I pretty much said, “I think you’re pretty cool and wouldn’t mind doing a weekly sexy thing, with dinner and booty calls.” We continued to negotiate it over the next month, and decided that the arrangement should only continue if were were exclusive. At the same time, we agreed not to hold out for each other. This went on for three months or so.

I had to initiate a lot of the communication (why aren’t dudes taught to talk feelings) but it was well worth it! He started dating someone else a couple months ago, which he told me about before it really heated up. After a couple weeks for a break, we’re having lunch and coffee every week like, well, normal friends. I’m not feeling hurt about it, although sometimes I’m a little masochistically curious about his new cutie.

So I would say you should DEFINITELY communicate about what relationship you would like. There’s no way you can get the kind of relationship you want if you don’t bring up the option. Without talking, I wouldn’t have known that he only wanted to continue if our FWB was exclusive. And by making it easy to talk, he was able to tell me about his  new girlfriend, instead of feeling ashamed of it. At the end of the day, both of us had loads of fun, explored more kinky stuff, and separated with minimal heartbreak.

And if your booty call can’t handle any sort of negotiation, I don’t think he’s worth your time. These sorts of rules protect both of you from getting hurt.


Comment of the Week: The Risks of Making Your Fantasy a Reality

December 3, 2013


Reader Dave posted the following cautionary tale in response to our post, “Your Call: I Want My Wife to Have an Affair; She Thinks I’m Nuts”:

I think you need to tread very carefully here… just to give you my experience…

My wife and I often talked about her being with another guy while we were making love and it really heated things up and she would often get really turned on by the idea (during sex) but afterwards not so much.

One day we were at a nudist beach and walking through the dunes, this guy with a towel wrapped around him flashed his semi-erect penis at my wife. She stopped dead and could hardly believe her eyes, we talked about it for a few secs and decided we would pitch our beach shelter and have some fun with this guy. Once set up, the wife and I started to make love while he watched on, he gradually came closer and touched my wife’s breasts.

She seemed ok with this so we kept going, then I got too horny and had a disconnect between my brain and the rest of me, I took her hand and placed it on his balls. She didn’t really react and started to do more with him.

Eventually, he came on her hand and breast. I was in heaven still making love to her. However, not long after she told me to stop, that she couldn’t continue, and started crying. We packed up said goodbye to the guy and left.

Afterwards we talked about it and it turns out she was happy to be watched but never wanted to touch the guy and after I made her touch him she was upset and just wanted it to finish quickly, which is why she pulled him to make it end as soon as she could. If I hadn’t rushed her in to touching him, she said that she thinks it could have happened naturally when she was ready but that now she no longer wants to think about it or try it again.

That was several years ago and it still causes problems in our relationship and sex life.

Please do not rush in to anything and don’t push her in to doing anything she doesn’t want. Anything you agree to do should be talked about well in advance and clear boundaries set so everyone knows what everyone else is comfortable with.