Em & Lo: Sex. Love. And Everything in Between. » Confessions http://www.emandlo.com Your daily dose of advice, news, and stories about sex, love, and other important stuff. No yoga mat required. Thu, 18 Dec 2014 16:55:37 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 Comment of the Week: Please Don’t Go Down On Me. Seriously. http://www.emandlo.com/2014/12/comment-of-the-week-please-dont-go-down-on-me-seriously/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/12/comment-of-the-week-please-dont-go-down-on-me-seriously/#comments Wed, 17 Dec 2014 12:00:06 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=31168
photo via RestAssured

Reader Henry wrote the following in response to our post, “Dear Em & Lo: I Hate Receiving Blowjobs.” Sure, men who would rather get a root canal than a blowjob may be rarer than a unicorn who hates rainbows, but still: they’re out there. And for the men who feel this way, it’s not a laughing a matter. (So, maybe sorry about the unicorn joke?) Being truly serious, now, though: Feeling raped by your spouse, as Henry once experienced, is no joke.

You don’t know what you are talking about when you say that all men love fellatio. I don’t at all. My wife insists on it both ways. I refused fellatio for years but her demands finally broke me down.

Naturally I have a physiological response to it. But I’d probably have a physiological response to having a vibrator jammed up my ass and I’m not about to let that shit get started. It was a mistake to let her ever fellate me in the first place. Now I can’t convice her to stop it.
For a long time I managed to hold off (it’s not hard) and finish up in her vagina but once she managed to hold on to me and force me. I tried to pull away but she hung on. I felt raped. Being forced has left me so that I avoid sex with her until she insists. At least I have not allowed her to bring me to climax in her mouth again.

Maybe there is a good woman out there who doesn’t want to do fellatio who I could trade her with her husband who loves fellatio? Just kidding (I think) but this is serious.

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Comment of the Week: Buzzkills Are Poopyheads http://www.emandlo.com/2014/12/comment-of-the-week-buzzkills-are-poopyheads/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/12/comment-of-the-week-buzzkills-are-poopyheads/#comments Thu, 11 Dec 2014 19:06:33 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=31115
photo via Flickr

A good comment of the week doesn’t have to be Shakespeare or even Dr. Ruth. Exhibit A: This response by Dave W. to the post “How to Determine Whether Your Dating Age Gap Is Embarrassing“:

Sure, large age gaps have only a small chance of making it long term, but it’s a good sign if they can joke about it being creepy.  Anyone who truly makes an issue of it should be told to shove it.  Happiness is too important; buzzkills are poopyheads.

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Comment of the Week: DTMFA! http://www.emandlo.com/2014/12/comment-of-the-week-dtmfa/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/12/comment-of-the-week-dtmfa/#comments Wed, 03 Dec 2014 12:00:29 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=30972

Reader Inness channeled her inner Dan Savage this week (DTMFA — look it up) with a heartfelt response to the post, “Help: My Inability to Orgasm Is Ruining My Relationship.” Now what we want to know is: How can we ensure that our snappy acronyms make it into the Urban Dictionary?

DTMFA. This guy is shaming you and the way your body works. He’s not threatening to break up with you for SELFLESS reasons, and certainly not because you’re broken in any way. He’s making this threat because he’s an insecure asshole. You should tell him that the absolute WORST way to get someone to orgasm is to stress them out about it, then go find someone whose ultimate goal in bed is to have fun with you and to make you both happy, not to make you orgasm the way that makes him feel most like a man. Again, dump the motherfucker already. Or at least give him a very stern talking to.

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How to Work with What You’ve Got (Yep, We’re Talking Penis Size) http://www.emandlo.com/2014/11/how-to-work-with-what-youve-got-in-bed-yep-were-talking-penis-size/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/11/how-to-work-with-what-youve-got-in-bed-yep-were-talking-penis-size/#comments Wed, 19 Nov 2014 15:11:36 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=30792

EMandLO.com M.V.P. reader Tony shared some excellent advice this week in response to our post, “Your Call: How Can I Compensate for a Skinny Penis?”

A male perspective here.

First off, you are not broken, nor does your penis size dictate that “you will be broken up with.” Everyone has a different penis (or breast) size, and what one person prefers may be very different from the next. I’m assuming that you wouldn’t tell a woman with smaller breasts that she is “broken” or that “she will always get broken up with”? Same thing.

Having an attitude that “I’m going to get broken up with anyway”, on the other hand, may influence your own thoughts, words, and actions such that you “get broken up with” for potentially preventable reasons. As the saying goes, change what you can (work on living as fulfilling and meaningful a life as you define it, and work on presenting your best self), accept what you cannot change (your penis size), and be wise enough to know the difference. Again, which would turn you off more – a woman with smaller breasts, or a woman who relates to you with the implicit or explicit expectation that she is fundamentally broken and that everyone will abandon her because of her breast size? I find the second to be far more off-putting than the first.

I also wonder if you are, like most of us, average in the size department. My understanding is that 5.5 inches is average, not unusually small. I don’t know what an average girth is.

I am unaware of any safe and effective means of penis enlargement, so I would skip that.

As for positions and techniques, learning the basics of a woman’s sexual anatomy and various positions would be an excellent place to start. There are numerous articles and books that go over this (including this website; I suspect that Em and Lo, amongst others, have written books on this. I’ll let someone else chime in on that).

Keep in mind that you are a person and not a sex toy, which means that sexual intimacy isn’t just about providing enough vaginal friction. Remember that most women need clitoral stimulation (which is irrelevant to penis size), and also that the G-Spot, if you believe that it exists, is only a short way inside the vagina. You also have other ways of pleasuring your partner – not only oral sex and using your hands, but massage, sensual touch, sensual conversation, etc. One comment I’ve heard is that lovemaking starts between your (and her) ears. Be mindful of friendship, good communication, being a good partner, etc.

If you were with a woman who was emotionally intelligent and mindful, a great friend, an excellent partner, and an interested and attentive lover who really enjoyed being sexual and sensual with you, would you say to her that you didn’t want to be with her because her breasts weren’t big enough? Neither would I.

Lastly, if you ask what she enjoys and show that you are interested and listening, I suspect that many women would be delighted to educate (and hopefully show!) you what works for them. Again, no two people are alike.

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Comment of the Week: Revenge Will Make You Feel Worse http://www.emandlo.com/2014/11/comment-of-the-week-revenge-will-make-you-feel-worse/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/11/comment-of-the-week-revenge-will-make-you-feel-worse/#comments Wed, 12 Nov 2014 18:21:01 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=30744 photo via Flickr

This week, Tony had some very sage advice about whether or not to get revenge on a cheating lover:

I’m in the camp of “skipping revenge.”  When I’ve felt vengeful and lashed out, I feel worse afterwards instead of better.  You’re giving extra time and effort towards someone who isn’t worth it.  Confronting him, telling him how you feel, and being clear that he isn’t worth any more of your time may be cathartic and would be fine, I’d think.  I certainly wouldn’t egg his car or hook up with his friends out of revenge.  Plus, by hooking up with his friends, you’re using (and potentially hurting) them as well as getting into relationships that you may not want to get into.  If they’re his friends and he’s a cheater . . . do you really want to be with them?

The other girl sounds quite immature, frankly.  How you treat your enemies says a great deal about your character.  Also keep in mind that however she treats him may be how she treats you in the future if she feels hurt or slighted by you.  If she’s willing to act out towards one enemy, she’s probably willing to act that way towards ALL of her enemies.  Enough said.

Lastly – you mentioned that this is the third guy who has cheated on you.  I do not want to engage in any victim blaming, but I would take a long, hard look at how and why you pick the guys you do.  This sounds like a pattern, and if you want to change the pattern you need to be self-aware, identify what’s going on, and change it.  I say this as a man who was in an abusive marriage and went to years of therapy afterwards.  One of the most empowering and liberating things that I have ever done is to compassionately look at why I made the choices I did that led to that marriage, because it gives me much more confidence that I won’t repeat my own pattern.  Again, this is not meant to blame you at all, but to encourage you to understand your past and claim your own power so that you can have a better future.

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Confession: A Cab Driver Found My G-Spot & Spoiled Me for All Boyfriends http://www.emandlo.com/2014/11/a-cab-driver-found-my-g-spot-and-spoiled-me-for-future-boyfriends/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/11/a-cab-driver-found-my-g-spot-and-spoiled-me-for-future-boyfriends/#comments Thu, 06 Nov 2014 12:00:34 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=30664
by Dori Hartley for YourTango  |  photo via flickr

The year was 1985. I was walking on Third Avenue in New York City, probably going to the store for no good reason. It was a gorgeous day. On the corner, a cab stopped at the light. The car was free and the driver smiled at me as I passed in front of his vehicle. I couldn’t help but notice how drop-dead gorgeous he was: exceptionally handsome face, long, raven-black hair. I was immediately attracted to him. I raised my hand to hail him down, and he pulled to the curb to let me in. I sat in the front seat. The sexual magnetism between us was break-the-Richter-scale material. I wasn’t there to be his fare and he wasn’t there to be my driver.

Bear in mind, this was the ’80s. Right before things like AIDS and safe sex became part of life as we now know it — the idea of casual sex and instant sexual gratification were not only considered normal, but appropriate for the times. It was cool to have sex with anyone you wanted back then and we did it freely, happily and without conscience. While the ’60s may have been the era that ushered in the concept of free sex, it wasn’t until the ’80s that we really got our freak on. As soon as HIV hit the scene, we all knew that the game had changed forever. As it grew into an epidemic, our days of unsafe sex slowed to halt — for those of us who were using our brains, anyway. I’m just saying that back then — as stupid and reckless as we truly were — we had a damned good time of it.

So there I was, in a stranger’s taxi on a beautiful day. Turns out that the driver — whom I will call Nile — was hilarious. Not only adorable, but a comic genius. His sense of humor was so off the chain that I just decided to drive around with him all day long. We picked up passengers and drove them everywhere. And, as the day got on, we decided to go to a motel — and I mean a real, vile, disgusting ‘one-hour’ motel somewhere in Queens.

I’d never done anything like that in my life, but I was unafraid and willing to take a chance. Sure, these days, the thought of such a thing is enough to give you five heart attacks in a row, but back then, we were all fearless. And I was absolutely fearless, and in some odd primal way, it paid off.

I’d never been with a guy who was mainly interested in pleasing me. In fact, every guy I’d ever been with had turned out to be an “I get off, you don’t, and then I fall asleep” type of lover. Why I ever went back for more was always a mystery to me, because my experience until that point had shown me that guys enjoy sex to get off, and they don’t really care about the woman’s orgasm. Anyway, all that changed with Nile.

Nile had no qualms whatsoever about going down on me, right there, first thing. I don’t even think I took my clothes off. I don’t even think he took his clothes off either. All I know was that by the time we reached the bed, he was nose-deep in my stuff. And let me tell you: it was a calling for him. This was no regular ol’ guy; this was The Cunnilingus King. There was no one higher than Nile when it came to this specialty. He set the gold standard for goin’ down. If an award could be given for this act, then Nile would be able to fill mansions with hard-earned trophies. I went from a slightly inhibited free spirit to a screeching sex banshee in a matter of a few wondrous, slowly paced minutes.

In fact, I’m fairly sure that this was what he needed to be doing with his life. After being with Nile several times, I really believed that every woman on Earth would benefit from a night with this incredible lover. No woman should be denied a night with Nile. It was just how I felt. And if every single heterosexual man could just study this guy in action, the world — all of it — would be a happier place to live.

And, to boot, he really didn’t care about much else in the sex department. Oh sure, he liked to be pleasured as well, and the act of coitus was just as lovely to him as anything else. But nothing brought out the best in this guy like bringing a woman to a full throttle, massive overhaul orgasm with the simple use of his tongue and his fingers.

I stayed with Nile for almost five years. The funny thing was, we really couldn’t stand each other after a while. We were in love, but not so much. We fought all the time, but I’m pretty sure that was all so we’d have a good excuse to get to the make-up sex, which was all about — you guessed it! — pleasing me. Phew, the things I did to keep the peace.

After Nile I and eventually broke up, my capacity for having earth-shattering orgasms had grown to such a height that no man alive could ever come close. He had set the bar too high, and no one ever did come close. I tried to analyze just what Nile was doing that made him so much better than everyone else, and I found it: He had discovered my g-spot with his fingers, up in there, while doing the licky thing on my super erogenous zones.

The g-spot that I never thought existed, that I laughed at when I heard other women speak of. It existed and all those Hallelujah sessions were made possible because of it. I just didn’t know it at the time. Nile was a g-spot master.

I’d always been under the impression that the g-spot could only be accessed through intercourse. Post-Nile, I put two and two together and realized, “Ah, so that’s what he was doing with his fingers all that time!” He would push, from the inside, towards his mouth, which was working at some kind of rate that only angels can achieve, and the feeling of receiving both clitoral and g-spot stimulation at the same time — well, you’d stick around for five years too!

I’ve tried to tell other guys to do what Nile did, but they just insist on doing it their way. They don’t get the hint. And it’s so simple too.

Guys, do you want to please your lady in the bed? Here’s how: two fingers on the inside, an eager tongue on the outside and most of all, a real desire to revel in her orgasm — because she will give it to you. Again and again and again.

More from YourTango:

This article originally appeared on YourTango: How a Cab Driver Found My G-Spot and Gave Me the Best Sex Ever

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What Catcalling Would Look Like If We Used It at the Office http://www.emandlo.com/2014/11/what-catcalling-would-look-like-if-we-used-it-at-the-office/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/11/what-catcalling-would-look-like-if-we-used-it-at-the-office/#comments Wed, 05 Nov 2014 12:00:02 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=30654

This week, EMandLO.com all-star commenter Johnny made an excellent point by comparing catcalling to other kinds of human communication — say, attempting to get hired at a new company:

I had a lengthy argument about catcalling on a pickup website. Their stance was, “Feminism continues to demonize male sexuality, and saying ‘hey beautiful’ isn’t harassment.” My stance was, “Don’t defend these idiots. They’re bothering strangers on the street in ways ranging from douchey to scary.”

I’m all for trying to get laid any time, anywhere. I’m not saying don’t try to pick women up in public. I’m saying, GENUINELY try to meet women in public. I’ve never, ever seen a woman respond to, “HEY BEAUTIFUL, WHERE YOU GOING, I’M TRYING TO TALK TO YOU!” Guys are doing that to stoke their own egos (to feel like they’re “in the game”), to impress each other, because they get a giggle out of watching the woman scurry away… it’s never gonna work and they know it. The woman is basically the butt of a joke. I find it really fucking rude.

I’d never demonize male sexuality – she’s a woman and you’re a man. You’re literally built to want to fuck each other. Get in there and take a shot! You’re allowed to try to get laid. Nothing wrong with having a boner for a girl. But treat her like a person, for chrissake. Try to attract her, not repel her.

Would you do that if you were trying to meet anyone else?

“HEY BOSS, WHAT’S THAT, A FORTUNE FIVE HUNDRED COMPANY? C’MERE AND HIRE ME MAN, I GOT A LENGTHY RESUME! WHERE YOU GOING, CORPORATE, I’M TALKING TO YOU! I’M JUST SAYING YOU LOOK GOOD IN THAT SUIT! WHAT ARE YOU, TOO STUCK UP TO TAKE A COMPLIMENT? FINE, FUCK YOU, YOUR COMPANY SUCKS ANYWAY!”

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Comment of the Week: I’ve Got a Problem with EMandLO.com http://www.emandlo.com/2014/10/comment-of-the-week-ive-got-a-problem-with-emandlo-com/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/10/comment-of-the-week-ive-got-a-problem-with-emandlo-com/#comments Tue, 28 Oct 2014 20:19:31 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=30517

When we started reading Dave’s comment today, we thought, “Oh no, what have we done now?” Turns out it’s not us who are the problem, it’s our readers:

I have a serious problem with your website.

Almost every time I read something on your website and want to comment on it, I find that someone else has already said nearly exactly the right thing and in a more elegant fashion than I probably could.

I really enjoy reading the witty and intelligent things your readers have to say but it makes we feel less special when your readers get it right before I can post anything most of the time.

I guess this is the cost of hanging out with cool/smart people.

Dave

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How to Become a Cuckold (If That’s Your Thing) http://www.emandlo.com/2014/10/how-to-be-a-cuckold-if-thats-your-thing/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/10/how-to-be-a-cuckold-if-thats-your-thing/#comments Thu, 23 Oct 2014 11:00:49 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=30444

Every now and then (okay, so it’s not exactly rare!) a reader gives better advice than we ever could. Especially when it’s a very specific situation that we have zero experience in… and the reader has experience in spades. This week is just such a case: Reader Ken shares very smart advice on how to become a cuckold, and how to get your wife on board with the whole thing — assuming, of course, that’s your bag! He posted this comment in response to our post, “Your Call: I Want My Wife to Have an Affair; Thinks I’m Nuts”:

Ken: I am in a ‘cuckold’ situation in my marriage, but this took years of slow, gentle encouragement. At first it was just me whispering my dirty fantasies in her ear during intimate moments. After she had come to understand my desire, she started taking small steps to tease and please me. This happened most often while on vacation. In beautiful places with beautiful strangers. At first it was limited to small acts of flirting and a little exhibitionism here and there – often on the pretext of a dare. Most importantly, I never pushed her toward anyone specific. If she felt flirty and fun (and a little buzz always helped) I gently encouraged her to explore her wild side.

After years of this she eventually became comfortable enough to take things to a new level with a handsome stranger of her choice.

Believe me: I understand this desire. But you have to keep it light and take it slow and maybe – just maybe – she will explore this desire more fully. But the last thing you want to appear as to your wife is a creepy, pushy sexual deviant. That will freak her out and you will probably A: never realize your fantasy and B: lose your wife in the process.

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Why No Blowjobs Can Be a Dealbreaker for Men http://www.emandlo.com/2014/10/why-no-blowjobs-can-be-a-dealbreaker-for-men/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/10/why-no-blowjobs-can-be-a-dealbreaker-for-men/#comments Wed, 22 Oct 2014 12:00:27 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=30431
photo via flickr

Last week we published reader Sara’s impassioned comment about blowjobs, and how they are not an inalienable right. This week, we are publishing two responses to her by two of our equally thoughtful, passionate, intelligent male readers, Derek and Steve. Can we just say how much we love that a debate like this can take place on our site, with no flaming and no name-calling? It’s positively revolutionary! So please, keep it coming.

And yes, we will admit to a little bias when it comes to discussing an absence of cunnilingus in a relationship vs an absence of blowjobs. There is one fairly big difference, though: We don’t know any (many?) men who are able to climax via oral sex alone. For women, on the other hand, it’s a different story. Cunnilingus is often the closest women come to experiencing the kind of guaranteed climaxes that men take for granted. Sometimes it’s the only way they can climax. Also, we happen to think that the way cunnilingus is dismissed in our culture is a lot more problematic than the way blowjobs are discussed. Simply put, there’s a power differential.

That all said, we will do our best to bear these comments below in mind. And we will do our best to treat men in blowjob-free lives as sensitively as we do those women who are starved for cunnilingus. A little more empathy never hurt any blogger, after all!

Here are the responses to the original post, “Your Call: She Doesn’t Like Going Down” and the follow-up “Comment of the Week: Blowjobs Aren’t an Inalienable Right”:

Derek: Good points, Sara. No one should feel that they have to do any specific sex act. Now, I think it is a good idea for any committed, monogamous couple to try and explore things that their partners really enjoy, but if you really don’t like it then don’t do it.

That being said, I also think the other partner has every right to say good bye to a relationship that does not include things that they really enjoy and would miss greatly if there was a lack of it. I don’t want to be with a woman who doesn’t make me laugh, who isn’t loving, who wants to spend her weekends at work, who doesn’t like giving blowjobs, that hates dogs and won’t let me adopt one, and who can only orgasm after being urinated on. All are valid reasons to not want to be with someone who you otherwise love a lot.

For me, blow jobs give me the opportunity to relax and just feel pleasure and joy. Thrusting is hard business, and there are a great many things to keep track of (back pain, arms about to give out, sliding knees, etc). Not to mention, the anxiety a lot of men feel about maybe coming to soon or their dick not helping a woman have an orgams and all the attendant feelings of failure and unmanliness.

Fellatio allows me to not have those worries. I don’t have to make decisions. I don’t have to worry about anything. All I get to do is feel, to experience amazing sensations. I don’t think I could be married to a woman who would not provide that opportunity to me. It is far to blessed and amazing experience for me to never do it again.

Now, if your man is willing to pay the price of admission (no blow jobs) then great, but if he is unwilling, as I would be, then he has every right to end the relationship and find what he needs elsewhere. Just as you are free to leave a man who demands fellatio from you constantly, or a man that does not fit your needs.

And it is not because I don’t care about the woman. We all have needs and wants and they are all valid things. If I loved a woman who hates dogs and never, ever wants one of the damned things, I don’t think I could marry her. I love dogs and I want one very much. Likewise, I don’t want kids and a woman who wants kids has every right to leave me so that she can get the things she wants and needs. Sex is no different. Unmet needs cause all kinds of problems and it is important for everyone to be honest with themselves about what they need and desire. So, I don’t think shaming someone for really liking and wanting/needing a sexual act is a helpful thing to do.

P.S. A lot of these issues might be solved if we just all got into being monogamish and opened up our relationships!

 

Steve: Great post, Derek. There is a striking contrast between many of the responses provided in this thread and those in the one entitled “My Husband Won’t Give Me Oral.” Several posters here have emphasized that no one should feel forced to do do something that he or she does not want to do. In that thread the husband is treated as a jerk for having the same views that the letter writer here expresses. Double standards, anyone?

I agree that no one should feel forced to perform any specific sex act. On the other hand, sex IS important to many people, and no one should be obliged to stay in a relationship if his/her needs are not being met. This is not an issue of “entitlement” – it’s about whether each person’s wants and needs are being satisfied in the relationship. It’s up to the participants to try to reach a satisfactory solution. If this proves impossible, both will have to decide whether the relationship is worth maintaining.

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