Em & Lo: Sex. Love. And Everything in Between. » Confessions http://www.emandlo.com Your daily dose of advice, news, and stories about sex, love, and other important stuff. No yoga mat required. Thu, 28 May 2015 14:56:16 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 Comment of the Week: A Cautionary Tale About Cuckolding http://www.emandlo.com/2015/05/comment-of-the-week-a-cautionary-tale-about-cuckolding/ http://www.emandlo.com/2015/05/comment-of-the-week-a-cautionary-tale-about-cuckolding/#comments Wed, 20 May 2015 14:09:29 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=33185

Reader Simon offered this cautionary tale in response to our post, “Your Call: I Want My Wife to Have an Affair; She Thinks I’m Nuts“:

Been there, done that; don’t try. I did this 8-9 years back with my wife, and I insisted, although she was more than reluctant. She was totally opposed in the beginning, but gave up after almost a year of having the same discussion over and over in bed and outside of bed. When she finally said “ok,” more or less to please me, she refused to go alone, so we met a few times at a motel with someone I found online, married, clean and nice otherwise.

The relationship went on for a few months, and eventually he gained our trust, so she started going alone from time to time if I couldn’t join her. At first, she was telling me before, every time she was supposed to go, then I noticed she started to “forget” mentioning when he was calling her at work to meet.

To make it short, one day he suggested they would save money if they started meeting at one of his friend’s house. She was stupid enough to trust him, and went there, where he and two of his friends practically raped her. She was too ashamed to tell me on the spot, because she felt guilty for seeing him lately without my knowledge.

She admitted years later to have been involved with him emotionally. Being raped made her break up with him, but still she didn’t tell me the whole truth until four years later, when I wanted to try again the same thing. Obviously this time she said “no” and she meant it.

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Comment(s) of the Week: Detectives Em & Lo Are On the Case! http://www.emandlo.com/2015/05/comments-of-the-week-detectives-em-lo-are-on-the-case/ http://www.emandlo.com/2015/05/comments-of-the-week-detectives-em-lo-are-on-the-case/#comments Thu, 14 May 2015 16:48:22 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=33138

We recently received two very suspicious comments to the post “Your Call: Do Bigger Penises Lead to Different Orgasms for Women?” (which have since been taken down).

First, at 12:04am this morning, Thursday, May 14th, someone calling themselves “MSTT” wrote:

Exactly man. All women like big dicks. But they value other things more you know? emotional things, vibes, etc. All women love the feeling of being filled up by a bigger penis. 99%. But we want more than that. Peace out. Im nicole.

Then, immediately after, at 12:09am this morning, another comment was made by someone called “Linda”:

All i know is my last boyfriend had a really big penis and it felt nice, only thing i miss about him. And yes, bigger penises feel better. And ladies:when i say “bigger” you know i mean girth mainly. Write that down guys out there. Bigger is better. Yes.

Well, we put our deerhunters on, whipped out our magnifying glasses, and got to sleuthing!

  1. This post, while popular, is over a year old. What are the odds that two different people would comment on the same post in the middle of the night within minutes of each other?
  2. …basically making the exact same point and having the exact same horrendous punctuation?
  3. The first commenter, MSTT, initially sounds like a man talking about women, but then switches gears midway through the comment and becomes a woman, mysteriously and suddenly renamed “nicole.”
  4. These two comments are given different bylines, but they were generated . . . from the SAME EMAIL ADRESS! Dun dun dun! 
  5. But not only that: the email address contained the very male name of “Matt.” [audible gasp!]
  6. And here’s the most damning evidence that these comments were pure bullshit: their identical message was, well, bullshit. Sweeping generalizations made about an entire population meant to prey on insecurities, stir up anger, inflame gender wars, and basically make people miserable with silly lies. Dumb. Immature. Completely false.

The moral of this totally solved mystery? Don’t take the bait! And take any advice you find on the Internet (except ours, of course) with a grain of salt…and perhaps a margarita.

 

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Comment: Why Size Matters…Until It Doesn’t http://www.emandlo.com/2015/05/comment-why-size-matters-and-why-it-doesnt/ http://www.emandlo.com/2015/05/comment-why-size-matters-and-why-it-doesnt/#comments Wed, 06 May 2015 12:13:52 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=33005

Reader MrAverage said the following in response to our post “Your Call: Do Bigger Penises Lead to Different Orgasms for Women?”

Size matters and it doesn’t. Let me explain that apparent contradiction.

My wife’s ex was an acquaintance of mine – we played on the same soccer team. He was hung, everybody joked about it, although not huge (my wife measured him, 8×6). He took my wife’s virginity & they had a two-year relationship before he dumped her (his loss) and my wife & I got together.

The size difference, which my wife joked about in the beginning (such as saying my 1-inch cock looks like a cocktail sausage when soft – in fairness, it does) didn’t bother me because although I’m only 5 inches erect (and 5 inches girth, which is average), I give her regular orgasms & I assumed all female orgasms were the same.

But a couple of things she said always bothered me. When we first had sex, she said she couldn’t feel me (the words she uttered weren’t exactly the ball-crushing ‘Are you in yet?’ but close enough). Also, she said she liked sex fast, hard & deep as she was a vaginal orgasmer. Well, over the years due to discussions with male and female friends and Internet browsing, I realised I give my wife loads of clitoral orgasms but nothing else.

My insecurity grew to the point that I started to pester her about how I compared to her ex (crazy, I know, but I reckoned I was mature enough to deal with the truth, and I couldn’t bear not knowing).

She assured me I was ‘fine’ and she had ‘no problems’ with my size. Call me over sensitive but I felt damned with faint praise. I continued to pester her until she finally relented, saying ‘OK you want the truth – yes he was much bigger and yes, bigger is definitely better.’

Why, I asked her? ‘I felt him, every move he made inside me, there was stretching, an amazing feeling of fullness, the constant in-out pressure on my labia and friction on my vaginal walls.’ She feels none of those sensations with me. Also because he was long, he hit a nerve (the vagus nerve, i think) at the back of her vagina (cervix, anterior fornix?) which sent tingling down her spine and into her lower abdomen everytime he thrusted.

OK, so actual sex felt a lot more pleasurable! But what about orgasm? Did size all equal out then? No, again. The orgasms he gave her were very different from the ones I give her. The ones she had with him were basically an extension of the tingling she’d felt at the back of her vagina. That became a ‘tingling explosion’ that worked up her body from inside up her spine. The tingling persisted for up to fifteen minutes after sex. She didn’t always orgasm with him but said the orgasms were more intense, pleasurable, long-lasting and deep.

The orgasms I have with her are based around the vagina and are short, sharp, superficial explosions that are over in seconds – classic clitoral, from what I’ve discovered. There’s a massive difference between vaginal and clitoral, apparently! Well, I asked!

Worse, she said that feeling at the ‘disposal’ of a really big cock – ie that the guy had the ability to hurt her with it – made her feel more feminine, and for her to regard him as more masculine.

For a while I wasn’t able to handle the truth. I knew her ex, he was a great guy, but I found myself hating him through penis envy, which is very immature but essentially very human.

Anyway, after a while I tried to compensate for my lack of size by getting bigger dildos & vibrators etc, and asking my wife to do kegels.

Yet my wife expressed no interest in anything large, which perplexed me. Also, she saw the ben wa balls I got her as a pain to use, and only uses them when I ask her. Does she wish I had a bigger penis? Yes, she admits, it would be nice, but more because of my insecurity than because of any lack of pleasure I give her, before adding that she could live blissfully without ever having those sensations again because she loves me & has actually come to enjoy clitoral orgasms immensely, especially when I use a vibrator.

No matter how hard I’ve tried to transpose my insecurities about size onto her, she resists, saying it’s so much more about the whole package, and that for her size is a small (excuse the pun) part of that equation. I believe her, despite the fact that women are perpetual liars when it comes to size, except when they’re with their girlfriends & small guys get ridiculed & sniggered over (my wife confirms that and so do a few close platonic girlfriends and gay friends).

When my wife met me she said the last thing she was thinking, despite her previous experience, was whether my penis was a decent size. This is mostly a guy thing – thinking most women think that way, when they really don’t.

Rather, she was thinking about how well suited we were emotionally and intellectually. She says she & most of her friends would list the following priorities when considering a man as a long term mate: face first, then personality, followed by body (particularly height in relation to her, shape & buttocks), intelligence, hygiene, then penis size.

Any disappointment she felt at eventually discovering my size, she says, was far outweighed by my other attributes, although she did admit a penis under about 4 inches would push the limits of what she was happy to accept.

My take from all that is: there are certainly women who will choose men based on penis size and reject those who don’t measure up – they are the true size queens. But they’re by no means the majority of women – although my wife’s best friend is an avowed size queen, so they’re definitely not a statistically insignificant minority, either.

In fact, even when a woman has sampled the pleasures of a big cock, such as my wife, they are happy to settle for less size, even far less size, if the man ticks other boxes & if she loves him.

I know many will read this & think: this is 101 of life, who doesn’t know it! But there are many insecure men – and not just those with below-average penises – who think many if not most women would reject a man because of his size.

The truth, as I’ve discovered through first-hand experience, is very different. Not even thoroughly enjoying the pleasures of a big cock is enough to turn some women into size queens, if my wife is an example.

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photo via flickr

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Comment of the Week: 4 Ways Men Can Seem Taller http://www.emandlo.com/2015/04/comment-of-the-week-4-ways-men-can-seem-taller/ http://www.emandlo.com/2015/04/comment-of-the-week-4-ways-men-can-seem-taller/#comments Wed, 29 Apr 2015 14:59:18 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=32946 photo of Kevin Hart via Flickr

In response to a question from a reader this week about a study saying women are only attracted to men 6 feet tall and up, Johnny — one of our MVP commenters — propped him up pretty perfectly:

HA! Bullshit.

Short guy here, reporting that I’ve always done just fine. If you’ve got a thing for tall women you’re mostly out of luck, sorry to say, but other than that, don’t worry about it.

Most women just want a guy who’s taller than them. Many will make an exception for a guy who’s the same height as them. Occasionally a short guy even winds up with a taller woman.

I mean, I’m not one to console myself with delusion: it’s not ideal to be short. Taller is better in female eyes. But what are you gonna do, roll over and die? Join a monastery and swear off women?

Here’s what you do to compensate for being short:

  1. Stand up straight. Don’t exaggerate or puff up or anything, but good posture helps.
  2. Mind the aspects of your appearance that you can control. Shower, get hair cuts, wear clean well-fitting clothes, etc.
  3. Hit the gym. Being tubby in the middle makes you look shorter.
  4. Smile, be open and friendly and flirtatious.

That’s my method.

Johnny

 
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Deal Breaker or No Deal Breaker: Oral Sex http://www.emandlo.com/2015/04/deal-breaker-or-no-deal-breaker-oral-sex/ http://www.emandlo.com/2015/04/deal-breaker-or-no-deal-breaker-oral-sex/#comments Thu, 23 Apr 2015 14:43:29 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=32873

“Deal Breaker or No Deal Breaker” is a new series of polls we’ll be running at EMandLO.com. We want to know what our readers consider a deal breaker in a serious relationship, and what they could get past. A deal breaker could be anything from someone who doesn’t like doggy style… to someone who doesn’t like Woody Allen movies. Basically, anything that you couldn’t overlook in a relationship — some kind of “catch” that ultimately outweighs any redeeming quality a person may have.

This week’s Deal Breaker or No Breaker topic is oral sex. Let’s say you meet the man or woman of your dreams, but it turns out they don’t like oral sex (receiving, giving, whatever). Would that be a deal breaker for you? Or let’s say you meet the man or woman of your dreams, and they really really like oral sex (receiving, giving, whatever). Like, a lot. Would that be a deal breaker for you? Or, on the other hand, do you feel like anything related to oral sex would be something you could get past?

Weigh in by voting in one of our polls below! The first poll is for men, the second for women…



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Comment of the Week: Naming the Female Equivalent of Blue Balls http://www.emandlo.com/2015/04/comment-of-the-week-naming-the-female-equivalent-of-blue-balls/ http://www.emandlo.com/2015/04/comment-of-the-week-naming-the-female-equivalent-of-blue-balls/#comments Wed, 22 Apr 2015 17:33:43 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=32860

We’ve had some pretty creative additions to our poll calling for a name for the female equivalent of blue balls. Here are a few recent contenders…

What’s your favorite?

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photo via Flickr

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Comment of the Week: Who Causes Wet Dreams? Could It Be….Satan?! http://www.emandlo.com/2015/04/comment-of-the-week-who-causes-wet-dreams-could-it-be-satan/ http://www.emandlo.com/2015/04/comment-of-the-week-who-causes-wet-dreams-could-it-be-satan/#comments Wed, 15 Apr 2015 15:20:47 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=32809

In response to a letter from a woman who orgasms in her sleep, we got a very interesting and creative analysis of what is actually going on from Amandah. It’s not sexual tension or the subconscious playing around with one of our strongest primal urges. Nope! Amandah schools us in the facts. (Ed. note: grammatical and spelling mistakes have been corrected for readability, natch):

Mhhh, I’ve read your comments guys and I know all about wet dreams or multiple orgasms. The truth is you all have what [we] call a “spiritual husband” — it’s a very wicked sexual “demon” or…Satan. It is an attack and you need to be delivered from that thing because it can destroy your life… I know what I’m talking about. Most of you will not agree with me, but I know it’s the truth. If you’re under that demon attack, most of the time you hate your husband for no reason and sometimes you will loose affection towards your husband; you will only enjoy that sex of the night. And the truth is, it is so good, but it is hell. I was once a victim of a night sex slave, then I accepted Jesus as my lord and savior and I was delivered from all that sinful nature and I have a new life in Christ Jesus. Though that thing still comes to me in the night, the difference is now I have an ability of God to rebuke and cast that demon out of my life in Jesus’ name. I pray that God may deliver your families and open your spiritual eyes. When you sleep you’re supposed to sleep [without] having sex in your sleep — it is not normal. No doctor or anyone can help you without Jesus.

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Comment of the Week: How to Pay for Dinner, and How to Let Someone Else Pay http://www.emandlo.com/2015/04/comment-of-the-week-how-to-pay-for-dinner-and-how-to-let-someone-else-pay/ http://www.emandlo.com/2015/04/comment-of-the-week-how-to-pay-for-dinner-and-how-to-let-someone-else-pay/#comments Wed, 08 Apr 2015 14:03:43 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=32704
photo via flickr

MVP commenter Johnny weighs in on our post “Who Do Men Think Should Pay On a Date?” We would say that his final line, “Two drinks buys you nothing but a chance,” should be put on T-shirts and handed out to college guys across the country. Except that certain fraternity members would probably take this to mean that plying women with drinks gives them a better chance of getting a woman in bed. Sigh.

“Whoever does the asking” is almost always the same as “the guy should pay,” because women almost never do the asking. Also I’m assuming this is an early date here, before the relationship is established.

The guy should pay. The woman should politely go for her purse, and the guy should nonchalantly tell her not to. If she insists on paying, the guy should let her.

With this in mind, the smart guy chooses an inexpensive early date. This not only saves him money, but spares her the discomfort of accepting a large offering from a suitor she might not even like. Who pays for a couple drinks shouldn’t be a big deal for either person.

If a woman can’t just accept two drinks with a demure “thank you,” she either definitely doesn’t like you, or has issues with men that will become annoying later on. Either way I wouldn’t ask her on a second date.

The guy should of course expect nothing in return – not even a second date. Two drinks buys you nothing but a chance.

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Comment of the Week: 6 Rules of the Pre-Relationship Fuck-Buddy Couple http://www.emandlo.com/2015/04/comment-of-the-week-6-rules-of-the-pre-relationship-fuck-buddy-couple/ http://www.emandlo.com/2015/04/comment-of-the-week-6-rules-of-the-pre-relationship-fuck-buddy-couple/#comments Wed, 01 Apr 2015 11:34:26 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=32615

Reader Arielle wrote a nice response to the post How Often Do Fuck Buddies Become Girlfriends?, basically outlining the 6 rules of having a fuck buddy who you might want to turn into a partner some day:

All of my relationships have been fuck buddies that turned into relationships.  Twice I’ve gotten my heart broken because the guy was really emotionally damaged, and it didn’t turn into a relationship.

My recommendations:

1) Go with the flow.  Don’t try to control the direction of everything, and be wary if he’s trying to control it. If he’s trying to set arbitrary rules or limit how much he sees you or the situations you do together, tell him to chill out or get out.

2) Don’t limit the affection.  Be affectionate, sweet, caring, everything that you would be to your close friends.  If you start to feel resentful that you’re not getting more from him, that’s a red flag, and you need to discuss it with him (in person, not text) or pull back.  Don’t let his issues with relationships prevent you from expressing your emotions, expressing romantic feelings, being affectionate, being yourself.  If you feel nervous or shy in his presence or lose your confidence, you need to get over it asap: fuck buddy situations are abusive to anyone who can’t speak their mind, and a guy will lose respect for you and himself if he knows you’re letting him use you.  You need to make it clear that you have a great time with him and would regret not getting to know him better.  If he asks for more, give him a reason for why this arrangement temporarily works right now for you:  you just got out of a relationship, you’re focused on school and just want to have fun, etc.

3) Don’t let your life revolve around him.  If he’s not your boyfriend, then you have to continue to flirt with other guys, talk to other people, plan your living and job situation as if you are single.  Don’t personally rely on his plans in any important way unless you’ve made a commitment.  Don’t let him have all your weekends or time.  You are single unless specifically stated otherwise.  Don’t let him be your only fun thing going on: you have to stay emotionally healthy.  Try not to think too much about him outside of the time you’re seeing him.  Travel on weekend trips without him.

4) Limit last minute sex dates.  Make him plan to see you, and think of fun and interesting things to do.  Cook with him, share music  with him, etc.  If he gets concerned that it’s too much like “boyfriend-girlfriend”, say “Are you enjoying yourself? I don’t want you to feel pressured. I just want to have fun and this was fun.”

5) Make sure you’re always having fun.  If he stops being fun, or isn’t there for you when you need it, then pull out and say, sorry man.

6) Make sure you guys talk like friends in between, and are physically exclusive.  Don’t get an STD from this ish.

The pros of fuck buddy first are that a) you make sure you have awesome chemistry before committing; b) you make sure you guys have great sex before committing;  c) you can get to know who he is/what his apartment looks like, his real self, etc. before you commit to someone that is basically a stranger.  It’s more natural and less contrived.

The cons: Obviously, he might actually not want a relationship.  You might have sex with someone that has a lot of issues and get your feelings hurt. He might not put as much effort in, or feel he owes you anything.

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How Sex Addiction Almost Ruined My Life http://www.emandlo.com/2015/03/how-sex-addiction-almost-ruined-my-life/ http://www.emandlo.com/2015/03/how-sex-addiction-almost-ruined-my-life/#comments Tue, 31 Mar 2015 14:55:58 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=32621

photo via flickr

Brian Whitney is a recovering sex addict and the author of the book Raping the Gods: A Tale of Sex and Madness, available at Amazon now. Today on EMandLO.com, he shares the story of how rehab helped him move past his sex addiction:

I don’t like calling myself a sex addict. When people hear that term, most of them tend to have one of three reactions.

Some people think sex addiction doesn’t exist, that it is just a made-up term to excuse bad behavior. A second group thinks that a sex addict is a crazy, out-of-control freak who thinks of nothing but getting laid every second of every day. The third group thinks it sounds fun: “What are you complaining about, man? You get laid all the time and you think it’s a problem?”

I was always different sexually, and it was a problem from a very early age. Of course I didn’t think of myself as an “addict” for quite a while — that took a few decades of my life being a disaster. I could tell a lot stories about what I was doing, but I’d rather just say I was really screwed up. My major issue was infidelity. I was often involved in three or four different relationships at once. I got an enormous rush from having multiple sexual partners and lying to all of them. This wasn’t about sex, although I did enjoy that; it was about control and power.

At one point I was married, having sex with three women at work, and telling two of them I loved them. To you that might seem horrible, or it might seem exciting. I don’t know. To me it was like walking around electrified, all day, and all night long. I would have sex with at least two women a day, sometimes four, and when I found time in between, I would beat off. It was a wild ride.

It might go without saying, but this caused problems in my life. I had numerous opportunities to stop taking this scene further, but I kept pushing it to the bitter end.

And that is where what the professionals call the “addiction” part comes in. I did things sexually, over and over again, that completely fucked up my life. Acting in the way I did gave me a huge rush, an enormous shot of dopamine.  Later, I would feel shame, depression and anxiety over my actions, and the only thing that would make me feel okay again was the rush I got from doing crazy shit sexually all over again.

And I couldn’t stop. No matter what happened, no matter how bad things got, even when I lost marriages and then homes because of my infidelity. I could never keep a job because of my sexual behavior. Instead of stopping, I was getting further into it, going into darker and more depraved places.

To many people, the thought of going to rehab for such a thing still seems bizarre. It seemed bizarre to me, but I went anyway, because what else could I do? But I didn’t want to do inpatient. Being locked up with twenty other guys like me for thirty days sounded like hell. So I chose a place in Los Angeles that did intensive outpatient work: I would stay in a hotel for two weeks, attend groups and individual counseling all day, go to Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings at night, and after two weeks I would come home, cured.

Just taking that step was dramatic. When you fly across the country and spend thousands of dollars to get help, there is no pretending anymore. The days of rationalizing my behavior as merely hedonistic were over.

They tried to integrate our families, girlfriends, ex-wives, and so on. At the end of the second week they all flew out, to meet with us and see how we had progressed. The answer to that question, at least when it came to me, was “not much.” You can’t change a lifetime of compulsive behavior by hanging out in L.A. for two weeks, going to groups in the day, and eating sushi at night with a bunch of other addicts.

Though my behavior seemed under control, my thoughts, fantasies, and impulses remained the same ones that had been roiling my brain for the last thirty years. Naively, I had thought that after two weeks of treatment they would be gone. But the only difference was that now, when I did something, I really felt like shit about it. At the end of two weeks it was obvious I wasn’t ready to deal with real life yet. So it was off to Philadelphia for a month of inpatient.

This was an entirely different scene: It looked and smelled gritty. This wasn’t a pretty place in Arizona where we climbed mountains and did equine therapy. It was in a shithole. We had to go to bed at a certain time, we slept on crappy beds, we couldn’t leave the facility, we had roommates. It was like a minimum security prison for people who did weird things.

The people were different here as well. Their problems were more serious. My roomie was straight out of jail for exhibitionism. There was a former NBA player who had the same problem; he had just come from prison, too. There was also a millionaire who had slept with thousands of people, from anonymous guys in subway bathrooms to beautiful female models. And a male nurse who went to sex clubs and screwed ten guys a night. It was hardcore.

I hated it there; it made me uncomfortable. I did things I didn’t want to do and dealt with issues I didn’t want to face, but, in the end, I did begin to change. I stopped having affairs and acting out in other ways, and I went on with my life. I got back together with a woman I cared about.

That was seven years ago. It is still a struggle of course. I am still me, I still get turned on by the same things. It isn’t that I don’t have sex anymore. I do, and I still have the same kinks. Writing about it helps. I recently wrote a book called Raping the Gods that tells the story of an out-of-control sex addict.

In my 40s now, I feel different and, dare I say, better. Over the past year or so there has been some change. I don’t hate myself so much. I keep the darkness off to the side. I just stay honest with people in my life and let them know who I am. And I don’t cheat on my partner. The thought of doing the things I used to do is thankfully no longer a turn on.

Brian Whitney is the author of Raping the Gods: A Tale of Sex and Madness, available at Amazon now.

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