Em & Lo's RSS Feed Em & Lo's Daily Email Feed Be Our Facebook Friend! Follow Us on Twitter!

Halloween on Amazon

Buy on Amazon Kindle!

Good Vibes Bat Crop

LEVI's on Amazon


Archive | Confessions RSS feed for this section

Comment of the Week: How to Really Talk About Sex with Your Spouse

August 27, 2014

1 Comment

photo via Wikimedia

Reader Nikki dropped some serious wisdom this week in response to our post, “BDSM Saved My Life, But Is Ruining My Near Perfect Marriage” (we’re thinking we may have to start a Kinksters Anonymous support group to help out all these kink-stressed marriages):

Oh, damn. This is a tough situation. It sounds like you two are sexually incompatible and have some communication problems.

Some of what isn’t working sexually for you is a kink issue and part of it isn’t a kink issue. I’m going to address these separately, because I think they are distinct issues. The non-kink issue first. It sounds like you are missing things from the “vanilla” part of the menu, like more foreplay.

First, what I’m reading in your letter is that your wife hears requests for more of what you like as failures on her part. That needs to stop. The two of you need to work out a way to communicate about your sexual needs and desires without it becoming a source of tension or argument.

Second, it sounds like your wife is being rather sexually selfish. She refuses to have more foreplay, or allow you to go down on her, and only wants the kind of sex she likes? Relationships are about compromise. If the BDSM stuff freaks her out, that’s one thing. But would a little more vanilla kissing, touching, or oral sex really be all that difficult for her to indulge you in once in a while? I think not. Again, this is a communication issue.

For these issues, I suggest having an honest conversation about your sexual needs, and perhaps seeking a marriage counselor. Again, I reiterate that it’s important to separate out your kink from your vanilla sex life because there are distinct issues going on here.

The kink issue is a little less complicated and a little more complicated. It sounds like your wife just isn’t into BDSM, while you really miss it. If she’s just not into it, doesn’t like it, and it actually upsets her, you can’t expect her to do it. I say this as a kinkster myself. So you have three options: (1) resign yourself to giving up BDSM for good (which sounds unrealistic, given your fears about cheating); (2) end your marriage and search for a kinky partner; or (3) open the relationship on terms that you are both comfortable with. If your marriage really is as good as you say it is, it doesn’t sound like it’s worth blowing up your home for the sake of monogamy. You don’t even have to break monogamy to open your relationship sufficiently to satisfy your kinky needs. Lots of BDSM doesn’t involve what most people consider to be sex.

These issues might also be best addressed with the help of a therapist, because again, I think you guys have communication issues. If you do want to talk about the kink aspects of this problem with a therapist, I suggest you find a kink-friendly one, because otherwise, the therapist may fixate too much on the “pathology” of your kinks (despite the updates to the DSM). The National Coalition for Sexual Freedom has a Kink Aware Professionals directory you can use to search for therapists and marriage counselors in your area who are BDSM-literate and sex positive.

Best of luck to you. I hope you and your wife can reach a solution that makes you both happy and gets your relationship into a better place.

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:



Comment: It’s Not Appropriate to Teach Your Kids About Oral

August 13, 2014

7 Comments

A reader calling themselves “Normal Person” (as opposed to the rest of you perverts, we suppose?) took us to task for our list of “10 Things We Will Tell Our Sons About Sex.” For the record, our sons are both three, so our Serious Conversations with them are currently limited to the importance of sharing toys, eating broccoli, and not pulling down their underwear in public. (Then again, we know some fully grown men not entirely capable in these areas.) And as we said to Normal Person in the comments section, perhaps we wrote that list so we wouldn’t have to talk to our sons about the importance of reciprocity in oral sex.

Still, we think it’s worth imparting to boys the idea that receiving oral isn’t an entitlement, and that vaginas aren’t gross. Way too many men grow up believing this. Then again, ask us ten years from now, when our sons are teenagers, how much of this we’re still willing to impart!

Here’s what Normal Person had to say:

I sure hope you, the mother, are not actually having a conversation with your son about “Oral should be reciprocal.” Lack of boundaries, interjecting yourself into his development in this area. I think he will feel uncomfortable talking to his mom about that — find someone else. This is more about you and your politics and worldview than ensuring the healthy development of your son, if you think it’s appropriate to talk about cunnilingus with your young son.

Think about the creepy equivalent of your father sitting you down to have a “talk” with you and explain that it is important to give blowjobs to your boyfriend if he offers to pleasure you. WTF? I really don’t think you need to interject yourself into this in your parent child relationship.

You may think these issues are important for a man to know if he wants to be a good boyfriend, but it should under no circumstance come from you if you are getting into such specifics. Totally inappropriate. I promise you he will be very uncomfortable.

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com



Comment(s) of the Week: Be Smart About Respect

August 6, 2014

0 Comments

It’s a tie between two responses to our Your Call post Is Intellectual Inequality a Deal Breaker? – both of which are great advice for any relationship. First, Dannie said: 

This is a question that ultimately only you can answer, because only you know your priorities.  Is intelligence the most important thing to you?  On the flip side, can you handle her mistakes with grace, rather than condescension?  Also keep in mind that intelligence is not as quantifiable as we tend to think it is.  What is she better than you at doing?  I’m willing to bet that there are still a few things that she can teach you, even if she repeatedly uses the wrong “your/you’re.”  The bottom line is, can you focus on those aspects of her, or will they be lost in your frustration?  Keep in mind that you’re not perfect, either, and you might be able to be a great team.  If you prioritize her ability to Sudoku in under a minute, however, then she deserves to be with someone who will appreciate her completely, not someone who will resent or even look down on her year after year.

Then Ralphie said:

My wife and I are “intellectual equals.”  We both have many letters that follow our names.  She will still occasionally make “cringe worthy comments” that cause me to raise my eyebrows.  You can believe me when I say that I too have made my share of “cringe worthy comments.”  Unless she has some type of disability, I’d be hesitant to question whether she is as “smart” as you.  Maybe she has not acquired as many facts, or has not thought through issues/problems as much or as quickly as you, but that probably is not a question as to how smart she is.  The real question is whether the differences in your intellectual curiosity (and possibly educational background) is a deal breaker.  People of different backgrounds come together all of the time.  You need to decide whether the differences between the two of you is enough to be a deal breaker.

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:



Comment of the Week: What Porn Gets Wrong About Female Pleasure

July 30, 2014

0 Comments

photo via flickr

Reader grainne said the following in response to our post, “Comment of the Week: How to Get Past His Porn Habit”. We found this point really interesting — that many women are bothered by porn not because they find it offensive, per se, but because they think it misleads men regarding what women like in bed:

When you talk about “getting past his porn habit,” you are not addressing how many women and girls might not really care that their men look at it, if it did not affect their thinking about what most women find pleasurable.

Dave Lampert, inventor of the Sybian machine, said it best: “I have long maintained that the greatest hoax played upon the world is the importance of the male stroking during intercourse. The in-and-out motion of stroking is used in nearly all male/female porno material. This movement gives the viewer a better view of what turns them on. It is what they wish to see. Thus most viewers think this is how intercourse is performed.”

To my knowledge — I admit to not having made a study on this point — man is the only animal in the kingdom that strokes. (Stroking should not be confused with the natural movement of trying to force the penis in further, which does have a slight in/out movement in the attempt to thrust deeper.)

Please do not try to tell me that man strokes because he has the ability to think. It is the opposite, he strokes because he is not thinking or because he is selfish. I believe that stroking is 95% to the benefit of the male and the 5% received by the female would come under the category of “priming the pump.”

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:



Extra-Marital Sex: Ask for Permission, Not Forgiveness

July 16, 2014

0 Comments

Reader Vixen told the following cautionary tale in response to our post, “Your Call – He’s Kinky, She’s Vanilla, Is the Relationship Doomed?” Remember, dear readers: Most people find it easier to get over infidelity than dishonesty in their spouse. The sooner you say something — preferably before you actually cheat — the better.

My spouse of 15 years has just told me that he has been cheating on me for years and doesn’t love any of the other women, still loves me, but wants an open marriage.

For a few years, his bedroom fantasies have been kinky, and he said he wanted to ‘share me.’ I agreed to these fantasies only in the bedroom. I thought that is what his desires were, just fantasies. They didn’t do it for me, but I desired to be intimate with him, so I entertained them. He has a high stress career and is always told what to do, so I figured he needed a little Dom control to cope.

We never had a conversation about his desires. Or mine, which I guess are vanilla. Although I do think, had he communicated with me, he might have seen I have some vixen in me, too. So he went outside of our marriage to act out his fantasies, yet, he still doesn’t seem happy.

He recently met a married woman on Ashley Madison and had a couple of “angry sex” encounters. Her husband found out and informed me. It is a mess. Now we are separating. I hope he will agree to counseling. He said he did not feel this way until 8 years into our marriage when our daughter was about to be born. I wonder why he didn’t just talk to me about his feelings or ask for a divorce then? I would have been crushed, but now 7 years later am just beyond words devastated.

I have stuck by him, and I thought we were friends, as well. Now I have lost my husband and my friend. I am wondering if all of this behavior change could be PTSD, sex addiction, fear of retirement, mid-life crisis, and alcoholism. He said he was sorry that he hurt me with the affairs, but was not sorry he had the affairs. He did finally admit to being an alcoholic.

All he is thinking about is himself. And to think that I have laid awake at night wanting him and he claimed he was too tired. And our little girl wanted to spend time with him and he was too tired. Yet, he had alter-ego. He has always been the most level-headed, soft spoken man. None of this makes sense. I want to help him, but I feel so betrayed and unattractive.

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:



Comment of the Week: Top 4 Reasons Why Guys Turn Down Casual Sex

July 9, 2014

0 Comments

Our MVP, reader & contributor Johnny, does it again — this time in response to our post “Wise Guys: Do Men Ever Turn Down Casual Sex?” What we really like is how the genders in this comment could be switched and the points would still be relevant (just switch “prove our manhood” to “prove our attractiveness”):

Sure, men turn down casual sex. We do it because:

  • We’re being faithful to a partner
  • We’re not attracted to the woman
  • We like the idea of casual sex, but the reality fills us with fear and anxiety (something most men won’t openly admit).
  • We already hit that and aren’t interested anymore.

Much more shocking is how frequently men accept casual sex despite being almost totally disinterested. We do that:

  • To prove our manhood
  • Because we’ll take what we can get in times of scarcity
  • To momentarily forget our pain over another woman
  • Because we just can’t stand to see a woman’s sad face when we reject her.

Guys should really turn down casual sex more, if anything.

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:



Comment of the Week: How to Know If Porn Is a Deal Breaker

July 2, 2014

0 Comments

Reader misspiggy said the following in response to our post, Wise Guys: My Girlfriend Says Porn Is a Dealbreaker, Is She Right?

I think the guy should talk it through with his girlfriend and find out if her issue is with the ethics of porn production, or the whole concept of porn itself.

If it’s the former, she needs to educate herself, starting with a thorough read of Stoya’s Tumblr. There is plenty of porn, and plenty of areas of the porn industry, which are not misogynistic. It may be possible for the boyfriend and girlfriend to agree some parameters for porn which does actually meet her feminist standards.

If it’s the latter – she’s grossed out by the idea of porn – he needs to make it clear that her negative view of male sexuality is a deal breaker for him.

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:


Tags: ,

Question of the Week: Who’s the Hottest World Cup Player?

June 25, 2014

2 Comments

photo via Flickr

Riots, schmiots — let’s get to what really matters: who’s the hottest World Cup player? Seriously, we want to know. List your top picks in the comments below, even if they’re already out of the running by now. (If we get enough nominations, we’ll run a hot-off in poll-form next week.)

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:



Comment of the Week: Porn Is No Biggie

June 18, 2014

0 Comments

photo via Flickr

Reader Jessica wrote the following in response to our post, ”Wise Guys: He Looks at Other Women But Gets Jealous If I Ogle Men“:

I used to be one of those women, when I was younger, who would fly off the handle if I saw my boyfriend looking at another woman. After going through a terrible marriage, I realize there are far worse things out there your man could do.  As long as my boyfriend doesn’t stare for a longer period of time than normal, or try and talk or smile at the other women, I’m o.k.  Let’s be real ladies, we look at men just as much as men look at women and our “girl talks” would make any man blush if they knew what we talked about. I enjoy admiring a beautiful woman, too.  Women are physically beautiful and so are men.  Porn is healthy, get over it.  My boyfriend and I enjoy it together and when we are apart.  If you restrict someone so much, they are going to do something far worse then watch porn.  So ladies lighten up a bit and enjoy your man.  As long as he isn’t cheating on you or lying, you have a good one.

MORE LIKE THIS ON EMandLO.com:



Poll: Is the Gym Off-Limits as a Pick-Up Spot?

June 11, 2014

3 Comments


photo via Flickr

Recently, Johnny, one of our most loyal commenters, posted the following in response to our Blog Snog partner’s article “Guys of Reddit share the cheesy pickup lines that actually kind of work“:

The lesson behind those corny pickup lines is that women like an outgoing guy. It’s not the lines that worked for them. It’s the fact that they had the balls to express their attraction in a cheesy-but-harmless way.

The only “line” I ever really used is one of the oldest in the book. When girls walked by as I worked out the gym, I’d do the old, “98! 99! 100!”

It worked great. They’d crack a big grin and roll their eyes and then be receptive to conversation.

Disgusted sneer and walk away = she hates you and your line.

Rolls eyes to the ceiling and smiles = green light!

Which got us thinking: Are there some places that should be pick-up-free zones? The kind of places where you are bound to run into a hook-up again after things might have gone south? Is the gym a place where you just want to escape into your own endorphin-fueled workout without worrying about being hit on? Or, as a public space, is it fair game?