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Why I Won’t Ever Regret Getting My Tubes Tied at 28

March 26, 2015

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by Chelsea Hottovy for YourTango  |  photo via flickr

What I want is to be happy.

I’m often told that I’d make a good mother. Depending on my relationship with the person making this wildly incorrect statement, I have one of two reactions: either a small, insincere smile and a “mmmm” response that does not invite further discussion or a hearty laugh followed by a firm “NO.”

Don’t get me wrong: I love kids. They’re hilarious, they’re adorable, and I (mostly) enjoy spending time with them. But without a doubt, I do not want them. And here’s why.

I don’t want to worry about diaper rash and “tummy time” and I don’t want to know what colic is.

I don’t want to put a kid on a Kindergarten waiting list and I don’t want to decide between public and private education. I don’t want to coordinate basketball practice drop-off with ballet lessons pick-up, I don’t want to help with trigonometry and darling, I will not deal with your teenage angst because you best believe I invented that sh*t. I’d rather have bamboo shoots shoved under my fingernails than try to figure out how to pay for my child’s college while I still owe roughly twelve kajillion dollars for my own degree. I’ve more than once done something “just to tell the grandkids about it,” but I never actually planned on there being any grandkids.

It amuses me to tell people I don’t want children because no one ever quite knows how to respond. I’ve gotten “Well, when you meet the right guy, you’ll change your mind,” which is basically suggesting I’m incapable of making decisions regarding my own life without consulting a nameless, faceless FutureMan and is, by the way, astonishingly offensive. Others immediately ask what I do for a living, as though my employer holds the key to my womb and has locked it up until I retire. I don’t really consider myself a career-minded kind of girl; I’ve always worked to live, not lived to work.

Two mothers have actually said to me, “I didn’t know what love was before having a baby. You should reconsider.” I’m happy they’re happy now but “not knowing love before kids” is one of the most acutely sad things I’ve ever heard. Occasionally, I get a hearty “F*ck Yeah!” from like-minded women, some of whom will eventually become mothers and some of whom will not. I appreciate the support.

But at this point, it doesn’t matter how much anyone tries to change my mind because the decision’s been made – permanently.

Last October, I spent a wonderful morning with my doctor, during which he performed a tubal ligation on me.

Yep, I got my tubes tied at 28.

I admit that once my doctor agreed to perform the surgery, I had a moment of panic. It immediately crossed my mind that maybe everyone was right and I was wrong and I would wake up at 30 and want a baby more than anything in the world or that maybe my “hard pass” on kids was a rebellion against expectations simply for the sake of a rebellion.

Maybe I would love the complete upheaval of my priorities and schedule and life in general. Shortly after these hysterical thoughts raced through my mind, though, I regained my sanity. I picked a date for the surgery. Done. Tubes tied.

Here’s the thing: I’ve spent years carefully crafting the most amazing life I can.

I’m surrounded by people I love very much, who love me in return. I’m well-educated and well-traveled. I have endless time to learn about things that interest me and to see wonderful things and to meet the greatest people on earth. I leave piles of library books all over my bedroom and plan fabulous trips all over the world. I stay up until 6am watching Sons of Anarchy because I know no small person is relying on me to feed them in a few short hours. I occasionally eat chips and salsa for breakfast and drink beer for dinner and feel no guilt that I’m teaching anyone horrific eating habits. I spend my days finding my bliss, like all the inspirational posters beg of me.

All this being said, I can’t wait to be an auntie. Whenever my friends start popping out kids, I’ll be there with inappropriately loud and expensive presents. I’ll be the aunt who slips them a vodka martini on their 16th birthday and I’ll rant and rail with the best of them whenever they feel slighted by other kids.

And when I’m off for six months teaching SCUBA in Venezuela, I promise to send lovely postcards. 

I get the reasons people want kids. I do. I’m not such a heartless, selfish monster that I’m incapable of understanding the appeal of a small person who loves you unconditionally and relies on you to guide them safely through a scary world. Parents are brave and strong and incredible people. But so are astronauts and brain surgeons and I don’t want to be those things, either.

What I want is to be happy.

And I’m doing that. I’m there, I’m living that dream. I’m happiest not being a mom, but hey … call me if you need a babysitter. I’m great in a pinch.

More from YourTango:

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Comments of the Week: Sexuality Is Fluid

March 25, 2015

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photo via flickr

We loved these two responses this week to our post, “Your Call: I Was Bi, But Now I’m Not Attracted to Men. What Happened?”

The first is from reader (and frequent Comment-of-the-Weeker!) Nikki:

You should look up “fluid.” That might be you. Some people’s sexual orientation shifts over time. In fact, some people identify their sexual orientation as fluid. There is research out there suggesting that fluid sexuality may be far more common than we think, especially among women.

I am sorry you are dealing with depression. As far as your attractions go, I think pointing to the depression is a red herring, or an attempt to pathologize your current lack of attraction to men. There is absolutely nothing wrong with not being attracted to men, even if you used to be. You might become attracted to men in the future, or you might not. You might still be bi, or you might be a lesbian. But don’t let anyone tell you who you should or shouldn’t be attracted to.

And the second is from Dave, another regular around these parts:

Disclaimer: I am not Bi.

However, I know I go through sexual phases. Sometimes I’m more interested in butts & sometimes I’m more interested in boobs. Sometimes I’m thinking about oral sex and sometimes I just want vaginal sex. Sometimes I’m interested in the same thing for a month or two and sometimes I want as much variety as possible.

I think it would be perfectly normal for a bisexual to go through phases as well and a couple of weeks is too short of time to lose your status as bisexual.

To be perfectly honest, after my son was born I was so tired that I barely thought about sex in any way for a month or two and that didn’t make me asexual because I’m back to a fairly normal sex life now.

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Comments of the Week: The Sexual Satisfaction & Compatibility Quiz

March 18, 2015

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photo via Wiki Commons

This week, in response to our Your Call question “My Husband and I Don’t Care That We Don’t Have Much Sex. Should We?“, two of our MVPs were quick on the draw with spot-on answers. First, Nikki wrote:

This sounds like more of the tyranny of “normal.” If you have a happy marriage, and you are both satisfied with the amount of sex that you are having, then you have nothing to worry about. Relationships and sexuality are not a one-size-fits-all proposition.

You are right that sex is important in a relationship, but what I think most of what you’re hearing is leaving out that “sex” really means “sexual satisfaction.” If you and your husband have that, you are in good shape.

The easiest way to put your concerns to rest is to have a frank and honest conversation with your husband. You say you have a trusting relationship, but you don’t mention whether this conversation has ever occurred. If it hasn’t, make sure it does. You can keep it simple: “Honey, I’ve noticed that the amount of sex we have has kind of fallen off over the years. I’m fine with it, and am happy with the way things are, but I want to make sure you are too.” If your husband is also content, you have nothing to worry about. If he misses having more frequent sex, then you can have a conversation about how to make sure his needs are addressed.

Then Johnny added his take:

Sex drive decreases with age. I was borderline priapic in my early 20′s. In my mid 30′s I am noticeably less horny than I was then.

Attractiveness also decreases with age (sorry. I’m not calling you or anyone else unattractive or old. But this is just a universal fact. It happens to everyone). So basically you’ve got two people who aren’t as hot or as horny as they used to be. This is totally normal and is only a problem when –

- attractiveness and horniness decrease at disparate rates between partners

- one partner’s attractiveness and horniness really PLUMMET.

Sounds like you and your husband are actually experiencing the ideal sexual denoument. Again, NOT singling you guys out here – what’s happening to you guys happens to ONE HUNDRED PERCENT OF PEOPLE. You guys just happen to be experiencing this, like so many other things, as a healthy and loving couple. You’re going through it togeter – that’s good. Going through this as individuals is bad.

You’ve had three kids – mission accomplished. Your sex drives did what they’re there for. Anything else is just for fun. And if you both like the same amount of fun – whether that’s more fun or less fun – then great!

You and your husband sound like a great match. Don’t panic.

Based on their excellent responses, we’ve come up with a Sexual Satisfaction & Compatibility Quiz you and your partner can take:

  1. Are you happy together?
  2. Are neither of you complaining?
  3. Are you being honest with yourself?
  4. Are you being honest with your partner?
  5. Are your libidos lagging at similar rates?
  6. Are you aging (in looks) at similar rates?
  7. Have you talked about your sexual satisfaction with each other?
  8. Do you both feel sexually satisfied?

If you’ve both answered yes to five or more questions, then you and your partner are sexually satisfied and should not worry about the amount of sex you have. It’s about quality, not quantity.

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A Better Vocabulary for Bisexuality

March 11, 2015

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Reader David wrote the following in response to our post, “Confession: The Problem with Bisexuality”:

I prefer ‘birelational’ over ‘bisexual’. It is not just about sex. ‘Biromantic’ fits as well. Of course there is always the ‘pansexual’ or ‘panrelational’ or ‘panromantic’ terminology. I don’t think the whole homosexual, heterosexual or bisexual thing is much good for identity. Too confining and objectifying and reductive for people to discuss in such ways.

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What Does a Male Orgasm Feels Like? 4 Guys Explain.

March 5, 2015

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by Melissa Noble for YourTango | photo via Flickr

Ever wondered what a male orgasm is like? Four men tell us ladies what it feels like to get off.

So what does a male orgasm feel like? Do orgasms differ drastically between the sexes? On our search to find out what exactly goes on in a man’s head and body during sex, we first examined what we already know:

For starters, the male orgasm is significantly shorter, more intense and can, usually, only be experienced once during a single sex session. Women on the flipside, if properly stimulated, can pop out a series of orgasms with little recovery period. Secondly, the male orgasm unleashes a rush of drowsy hormones — norepinephrine, serotonin, oxytocin, vasopressin, nictric oxide and the hormone prolactin — making it next to impossible for men not to feel sleepy after sex.

But what exactly does a male orgasm feel like, we wonder. To find out, we asked a few bonafide, penis-owning individuals if they could put it into words that coveted five seconds of orgasmic bliss. What we found? The question was downright hard. Asking men to explain the male orgasm was akin to having them describe the color orange. Regardless, we managed to cull a few truths.

1. The brain shuts off, and then a moment of clarity arises.

Andrew, a 30-year-old computer programmer said that during sex he’s in a trance-like, robotic state. While he’s physically there, his mind wanders into deep horny forests, that if asked about, are just as ephemeral and hard to explain as the orgasm itself, but after he comes? “Everything makes sense for a split second. Like I’m seeing things clearly for the first time. That to me is the most powerful thing about orgasm, the moments afterward.”

2. It’s feeling of passing “energy.”

Adam a 27-year-old set designer says his orgasms are different depending on whether he’s masturbating or having sex. Masturbation for him results in an orgasm out of necessity, but when he comes inside a woman he explains it as almost spiritual. “I feel like I’m passing the core of my soul to someone,” he said. When we thought he couldn’t be serious, he concluded, “not to be cheesy, but its like sharing your energy with somebody. Being so close to someone during a very vulnerable period.”

3. The intensity varies depending on how long he holds out.

Paul, a 23-year-old actor says his most intense and earth shattering climaxes happen after he’s reached the edge and held out a few times. “There’s a differences between just letting loose when you first feel the urge and challenging yourself to hold out. I’m a million times more exhausted after I’ve stopped and kept going.”

4. Women’s are indeed longer — and possibly better.

Wes, a 26-year-old advertising copywriter, reiterates the already known fact that the male orgasm is inherently shorter than a female’s. It also doesn’t seem to be quite as euphoric. “My girlfriend seems to experience her orgasm in lingering waves. Ours isn’t like that. We have a very intense 3-5 second burst, if that, and then our entire body goes numb. It feels good, but I get the feeling hers are better.”

This article originally appeared on YourTango.

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Comment of the Week: You Just Cracked Us Up!

March 4, 2015

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We recently received a Facebook message that warmed the cockles of our hearts, and since we’re totally shameless when it comes to self-promotion, we thought we’d share it with you. Gerry, you made our month!

Dear Em & Lo,

I’m writing to tell you that I just finished laughing so hard, I’m pretty sure it wasn’t good for my health…after reading your 2003 book, “Position of the Day,” first by myself, then with my wife, the lovely Kathy. We’re both 60, so we’re glad we read the intro, but only after getting about halfway through the ridiculously funny titles of each position. Oh man..I mean oh woman…no, oh man sounds better. Anyway, that kind of laughter deserves a thank you. To make a short story long, I have no idea where this book came from: I found it in my writing room over the holidays and none of my four adult children have ‘fessed up. I have tested just reading the daily position names over the phone to friends and even without the “diagrams” they have had me and my friends snorting. It’s not pretty when 60 year olds are snorting, I’m going to tell you! Thank you ladies.

Gerry

Sadly, we don’t get any royalties from the book this reader mentions (since it was a Nerve.com book back when we were on staff there), so if you want a fun and funny book by us, we’d recommend our more timely “150 Shades of Play.” (We can’t help the plugs, they just happen!)

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How to Have Kinky Sex with Your Vanilla Husband

February 25, 2015

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photo via Wikimedia Commons

Reader subgirl said the following in response to our post, “He’s Kinky, She’s Vanilla, Is the Relationship Doomed?“  Heads up, everyone in a mixed-cone, chocolate-swirl-slash-vanilla relationship, there is hope!

I am a submissive woman and I have a wonderful vanill-ish husband who plays along with me. We communicate our needs to one another. Anyone who tells you this is only about humiliation and degradation and weak women getting walked on like door mats has watched too much porn. Absolutely be true to yourself. I could not agree more with that statement.

BUT if you’re going to agree to get involved with a kinky partner then please, for the love of god, go learn something about it. There are many books on the subject.

Do not ever take another person’s fantasies and make them your own. If you are open to exploring, then try to discover your own fantasies, likes and dislikes, and then communicate them. And any Dom worth a squat will want you to learn, on your own, from many sources.

The lifestyle can actually make a relationship very close and intimate if you learn about it, work it like a journey, and open up communication with your partner. You do not ever have to be into pain or bondage to be involved in the lifestyle.

And I am anything but a mindless door mat.

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Comment of the Month: Do NOT Try This at Home!

February 18, 2015

1 Comment

We’ve gotten some outrageous letters over the years: one from the guy asking us if he could get STDs from the corpses he was having sex with at the morgue; another from a couple inquiring how they could get their German Shepard to have consensual sex with the woman while the man watched. We try to make this a judgment-free zone, but sometimes it’s impossible. Once in a while, the occasional reader seem just plain nuts. Are they for real? Who knows. Are they crazy in one way or another? Most definitely. 

It’s been a while since we’ve gotten a genuine, draw-dropping head scratcher. But the following comment from the dubiously named “Mystery Tomcat” deserves a space in our Hall of Infamy. Is he for real? We hope not. Is he insane? At least a smidge. Either way, our publication of his comment is intended for entertainment purposes only. By featuring his letter, we are not endorsing or condoning his behavior. This is NOT an instruction manual for would-be DIYers! Medical procedures should always be done by actual, trained doctors.

Despite his “happy ending,” we still think this can be read as a cautionary tale about focusing too much on one’s perceived “imperfections” instead of appreciating and working with what you’ve got:

“Way down under in Melbourne, Australia is the story of a tightly done male adult circumcision of the ultimate kind. You’ll never believe the story … or will you?

Around 17 years ago, I became aware that circumcision was of interest to me. How to go about it ? What an embarrassment, how to sneak into a Doctor cost etc. I became more and more frustrated, as I knew I wanted it done. Australia is a hot climate too and I wanted a slick model penis, not a sock, at half mast. I had learnt from school that I was bisexual, I would use the odd opportunity to check out and occasionally talk another classmate into pulling down his pants and letting me give him oral sex. Both circumcised and uncircumcised, although I didn’t know what circumcision was then, I was only ten ! We start pretty early in Australia !

Anyway back to circumcision. I became more and more, frustrated and there didn’t seem to be a way of resolving the issue. Then I had a bereavement in the family. If I couldn’t solve this simple problem… It was a question of honor.

So what I did may surprise many. I am an everyday kind of bloke, a family now, job and the rest of it. So don’t be too shocked. Where there is a will there is a way.

I had been researching on the net at the time and I was reading and seeing pics of tribal and African circumcisions. There are great stories of the Tuli in the Philippines and also teens putting their penis on a log with a piece of twine and the elder slicing off the foreskin, high and tight, leaving a terrific red patched scar.

I decided after much viewing and research that this is what I wanted. I was a bit far from the Philippines and Africa, so this is what happened.

One long weekend when there was a Public holiday, I decided to have a go myself. This is not for the faint hearted.

On the Friday night, I did the usual, a few beers then came home. I opened a bottle of white wine and proceeded to watch an x-rated video. Of course with a long ring barked cock or two. After a while I was ready. A bit of popper amyl and I was more or less ready to have a go. At circumcision.

I knew the skin would be sensitive, so I had purchased from an adult store, delay spray. This I think had lidocaine like when you get Suntan mozzie burns cream from the supermarket only stronger. I applied it to my foreskin until the end of my cock felt number, than usual. Another drink and some poppers, a look at the tightly taut scarred cocks on the TV screen and it was time. Time to join the rest of my male brothers on the planet with a permanently forever nude glans and a stripped pointed helmety penis. Intention purple glans to always lead the way, from that night on or else.

I sized and drew a line working out where to cut and checked this out numerous times. Another drink, more amyl and an inspection of the video playing and I was ready.

I took a very sharp pair a medium size sewing scissors and sat down. Carefully lining them up, I very slowly, and I mean really really slowly, put them through the line on the foreskin I had drawn. I had already pulled the foreskin as hard as I ever could in front of my glans.

Slowly but surely I got the job done. Everything dropped back behind my glans and my foreskin lay on a tissue. A dream come true. I couldn’t believe my absolute relief and satisfaction.

All this time later nearly two decades on, I am still happy. A couple a days later, I consulted a friendly doctor and some stitches were added on the quiet to complete the job.

Result is I have a very tightly circumcised penis, with absolutely no frenulum or foreskin.

The absolute tightest male circumcision possible, for myself and any partner I should choose, whether it be female or male. Amazingly there is no two tone scar and the circumcision join is one color and height. No different levels of skin height or misalignment.

Nature really does like male circumcision.”



Why I Told My Boyfriend He Could Marry My Daughter

January 28, 2015

1 Comment

Something’s Gotta Give: Jack Nicholson chooses mother over daughter

Reader Momma wrote the following in response to our post, “Your Call: When Your Partner’s Fantasies Are Seriously Disturbing.” Before leaping to judgment, dear readers, consider this: The couple below can talk about anything. They trust each other completely, and this has led to them being completely honest with each other… which has led to a stable, solid, awesome, committed, enjoyably sexual relationship. They get that fantasies are just that: fantasies. Sure, we don’t exactly condone the idea of offering up your blessing regarding your adult daughter’s marital state — but, hey, it works for them! So long as everything is honest and ethical and consensual and legal, who are we — and you, too, reader — to judge?!

My boyfriend of more than a decade admitted to me that he has fantasized about being with my adult daughters. Yes, they are extremely beautiful. Yes, we love each other. No, he would never ACT on those fantasies. Yes, we have openly discussed the fact. No, it is not a “taboo” fetish. Yes, it apparently does have something to do with the fact that my daughters are part of me.

He has never been an iota’s worth of disrespectful towards my children. He has always been immensely supportive and loving and careful to maintain appropriate boundaries.

We communicate about everything sexual, including our fantasies without filters and without judgment.

After he told me this I asked him if he preferred a younger woman. He emphatically denied that. I told him that if that was so, since my adult daughters were single (at the time), and if they so chose, I would bless their union should one of them wish to marry him. That did not (and will not) happen, and he never mentioned it again other than to once say how deeply touched he was that I loved him enough to say that…and that he never wants to lose me.

Men!

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You Don’t Have to Like Men and Women Equally to Be Bi

January 14, 2015

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Reader Peet wrote the following in response to a personal essay on our site, “(My) Bisexuality Is Really Not That Complicated.” Note: The line quoted by Peet was not stated as a fact by the original author, but rather as an example of the “sloppy stereotypes” about bisexuality.

“Bisexuals must desire both genders equally or they’re not really bi; and if they desire both genders equally, they’ll never be satisfied with monogamy, because they must sleep with someone of each gender consistently to be identifying as bi.”

How can somebody take this seriously? Bi people can just be attracted to both genders. But they needn’t be having sex with both of them to be considered as bi, or to be satisfied in a relationship.

Here is an analogy: Even if you are a straight man and you are attracted to only women, you can be satisfied with one women you are in a relationship with, even if you are attracted to other women, too. Replace the words “women and men” with “person,” and “straight” to “bisexual” and it remains as true as it is in its original form.

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