photo via flickr

Do you ever fantasize about other people during sex with your partner? Does it depend on the relationship (casual vs. long-term)? How often do you think it is acceptable to do this? Do you ever tell your partner that you do this, or is it better to keep this sort of fantasy private? And what sort of people do you fantasize about? (Exes, celebrities, acquaintances, etc.)

Leave your response in the comments section below (feel free to share your age, gender, relationship status, etc., if it’s relevant to your answer).

photo via Flickr

We feel privileged and proud to have the most reasonable readers of any sex-related site out there:

Well, let’s say for the sake of argument, that [a woman would] prefer [her partner] had a bigger penis. Is that a dealbreaker? Is it worth throwing an otherwise good marriage away over? I would say, continue working on your sex life, as we all should be at all times, be responsive to your partner’s needs, enjoy each other.

Who among us is the perfect sex partner? Frankly, if you’re in your 50′s, you probably have physical imperfections at least as important as a small penis. I bet you’re not as strong or fit or generally attractive as you once were. I’m sure your wife has insecurities about her body, and misses her younger body as well. If you’re married, you have probably had days when one of you felt like it and the other didn’t. You’ve probably had things go embarrassingly wrong a few times. Life is not porn. We enjoy what we have, and in the long run it’s better because of the emotional connection we have to our partners.

– Jillian, in response to the post “Your Call: Why Did My Wife Tell a Mean Joke About My Penis?”

photo via flickr

A contributor friend of ours who recently graduated college (and wishes to remain anonymous) has a confession to make:

For three consecutive years, I participated in my university’s production of The Vagina Monologues. The piece I performed was entitled “Hair.” The moral of this story? You have to love hair in order to love the vagina — you can’t just pick the parts you want! For the first two years, I made the case for pubic hair while proudly sporting a nice little bush of my own. But that third year, while I praised the mighty pube at the top of my lungs, I was secretly rocking — and loving — a vulva as bald as Kojak.

Having grown up in Florida where being swimsuit-ready is a way of life, I had always been meticulous with the grooming of my bikini line. But after getting the sides waxed off at the spa, I always made sure to leave a nice, soft triangle of full-length fluff between my legs. I liked the feeling of that soft spot when I ran my hands over my body after a shower — so much better than the prickliness that comes with close-to-the-bod trimming. I also loved that I looked (and felt) so womanly — that patch distinguished my adult body from my pre-pubescent body. I thought that women who wanted to go completely bare were absolutely crazy. Who wants to look like a 10 year old again?

So why the 180 degree turn? Because a guy finally asked me, “Can I go down on you?”

I had never experienced cunnilingus before. To be honest, I’d never really had much interest in it. But when someone I really cared about presented me with the opportunity — and I finally felt ready to explore something so intimate — I realized that I was actually a bit self-conscious about my hair. Oh, I didn’t care if he wanted to touch it or look at it, but I certainly didn’t want him putting his face in it! Not because I feared he’d get a loose pube caught in his throat, or because I worried my hair would smell extra funky, or because I’d heard lots of guys don’t like pubic hair nowadays. Frankly, I wasn’t really worried about his preferences — I was thinking about mine. I’ve never liked kissing guys with facial hair — too scratchy! So I just figured: do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

I booked my usual bikini wax, but went in this time with the option to go whole hog if a few things checked out. Nice, chatty aesthetician? Check. Sensitive-skin wax available? Check. No bubbling (and thus burning) wax? Check. No double dipping by the waxer? Check. All my questions answered? Check. With all my fears allayed, I just went for it right then and there.

I didn’t have time to feel like a hypocrite in the moment, I was too busy thinking “Oh wow, that hot wax feels kinda, well, hot…in a good way” and “I wonder what his tongue will feel like down there?” and “Whoa! That didn’t hurt NEARLY as much as I had imagined — it was even less painful than my bikini line! Who knew?” Any embarrassment I might have felt from a stranger poking around my most private parts was quelled by the fact that the gloved aesthetician explained to me that this was all in a day’s work for her — right before she started talking with me about the complex issue of Israeli politics.

Despite all my pre-visit research, I’d somehow missed the part about the butt-crack. So I was a little confused when the waxer had me turn over and “hold one cheek to the side like this.” But she did it so fast that I didn’t have a chance to worry I might fart in her face.

All in all, the experience actually turned out to be quite positive.

Of course, up on stage, during The Vagina Monologues, my bare vulva and I felt like frauds. There I was telling the men and women in the audience that all ladies have hair and it’s beautiful and sexy and hot. But I myself had waxed it all away because I thought oral sex would be more beautiful and sexy and hot without it.

And I must say: I was right, at least in some respects. I loved my bare, naked lady-parts, and not just because my first time with cunnilingus had turned out to be fantastic. Skinny-dipping became a brand new experience, since now I could feel an unusual and exciting coolness between my legs. Going to the bathroom made me giggle because it actually felt different (apparently hair gives you better aim!). And intercourse became a fun experiment in contrasts: I loved the difference between my soft smoothness verses his rough hairiness. So I kept splurging on those Brazillians every month.

Then, after half a year or so, I wanted my bush back. So I grew it back. And sex was brand new again. Without hair, I had come to appreciate soft touches, light vibrations, little breezes. With my hair grown back, I realized I liked things a little rougher, more pressure-based. Both were great, just different.

If I hadn’t tried the Brazillian I never would have truly learned the importance of the monologue “Hair.” Sure, hair is part of the vagina, but it’s also a part of my body, and my experience of my body, and who I am – sometimes I want it there and sometimes I don’t. The importance is all about choice — being able to enjoy my body any way that I want.

photo via flickr

Nuance is pretty rare in the national conversation about abortion. The headlines and protests can make it seem like there is no middle ground, no shades of grey. Which is why we found reader Dave‘s comment, in response to the post “Naked News: The Right’s War on Women/Porn/Ethics,” so refreshing. Sure, we don’t agree with everything he says, but we appreciate his thoughtfulness and his refusal to toe either party line:

I am personally pro-life because I really think that it is the correct decision morally. However, all these insane laws that pro-life state governments keep passing makes me ashamed to be associated with the pro-life movement at all.

The worst of the lot is the Kansas law that allows doctors to lie to patients. Destroying the patient-doctor relationship is terrible for healthcare and if you have to lie to win, what does that say about you?

Ironically, the Christian Right that supports the pro-life movement also wants to remove sex education and in some cases opposed birth control. Both of these stances increase the number of unwanted pregnancies and therefore the number of abortions.

I honestly believe that if we had good sex education and better contraceptive use from the general public that the number of unwanted pregnancies could be decreased 90+%. In a world like this abortion would be much less common and that is a step in the right direction.

And by cheated, we mean hooked up sexually (not necessarily intercourse) with someone other than your partner at the time without their knowledge, permission or blessing.

Can’t see this poll? Take it here.

Not every Comment of the Week is chosen for its thoughtfulness, insight and eloquence. No, sometimes we get a comment that is so insane and earnest and downright creepy, that we can’t help but highlight it, if for no other reason than its entertainment value. Sure, it might be a joke. Either way, it’ll make you laugh:

Primary Vaginismus.

If you have it, then your body is NOT designed for sex.

It is God’s way of telling a woman that she is DESTINED to become a nun or celibate.
So if you have it, go on and BECOME A NUN.
Or be CELIBATE.
That’s because it is God’s way of controlling the global population. God created women with such sexual dysfunction to keep them away from sex and thus preventing conception. Unfortunately, most women don’t realize it and would still go through days and weeks of therapy which is just time consuming.

Trying to remedy your condition is against God’s will.
God does NOT want you to have sex.
If you’re a woman, don’t get married & don’t have sex if your VAGINA wont let you.
God had CLOSED the gates of your virginity.
FACE IT! You have a NUN’S VAGINA.
It is time to give up on men and become a NUN.

VAGINISMUS may be the answer to overpopulation.
God truly works in strange ways.

Vaginismus may be the strongest evidence that God exist. Some higher power can manipulate a woman’s body for population control. I am now an enlightened man.

EMandLO.com contributor Jewely Hoxie, who is studying Human Sexuality at the University of California Santa Cruz — you can read her blog here — has a confession to make:

I’ll admit it — most of these suggestions will probably resonate more with the ladies than the gents. After all, guys don’t tend to need much help turning themselves on. But most of the following can be universally applied. If you don’t want to try something yourself, consider doing it for your partner instead.

1. Use a male scent that you like (or, for dudes, a female scent). I was never a fan of Axe, but Old Spice does me in every time. Try wearing it on yourself — you might find it helpful conjuring fantasies. Gents, if your masculinity feels threatened by wearing a gal’s scent, just spray it on something near you instead.
2. Focus on your partner’s (or your crush’s) hands doing something active. When I see a guy’s fingers plucking a guitar, for example, I imagine how they could be playing me.
3. Work out. Stretching after going on a run is probably the key to this natural aphrodisiac. It’s a great stress reliever and gets you in tune with your body in order to figure out what feels good for you.
4. Listen to music. Some people watch porn; I prefer music for getting in the mood. Different styles of music correspond to different styles of sex. Similar to dirty talk, music can enhance the whole experience… even listening hours before you plan to get busy.
5. Clean up your place. Okay, so maybe breaking out the broom and the Pledge won’t actually get you in the mood to jump someone’s bones — but it will ensure that when the time comes, you won’t be distracted by dirty dishes and piles of laundry (and even if you don’t find those things distracting, your partner might). Sure, some people get so caught up in the moment that they sweep dirty dishes aside to do it on the kitchen counter, but most of those people are imaginary characters in porn films.
6. Wear underwear you feel good in — and that you know you look good in. Sure, having someone seduce you in sweats or raggedy old boxers can be nice, too. But there’s something awesome about dressing for sex and then unveiling your secret at the end of the day (or on your lunch break). And dudes, this goes for you, too — you know you have a favorite pair that present the goods just perfectly.
7. Date someone with a feminist perspective. Ladies, there’s no bigger turn-on than being with someone who understands that women have desires too. (This includes a willingness to use vibrators and sex toys in the bedroom, fyi.) And men, there’s no bigger turn-on than being with someone who knows what she wants in bed and isn’t afraid to ask for it.

photo via flickr

James S. said the following in response to the post “Wise Guys: Can’t Women Ask Men Out?”

I think that the root of many men responding negatively to women who approach men comes down to two things: sexism and pride. This form of sexism starts at birth in blue being for boys and pink being for girls. As a person of each sex (and ultimately gender) grows older, their enviroments already start to signal what are considered appropriate behaviors, and which ones aren’t. I do believe there are some inherent differences in the mentality of how each sex behaves from a biological standpoint, but I still believe that the majority of these stem from gradual gender conditioning while growing up. Note: Let us not forget that gender and sex are two different things.

As for pride: Let’s face it, most of us want to be reasonably accepted and respected by our peers and we do not want to become individual targets. The default mindset that most men have is to be seen as “real men” by others. Men are still held to being men more than women are held to being women, even today. Even though I truly believe that many men would prefer dating and finding one’s mate to be easier (at least the men with better intentions), the power of how we want to be perceived by others is very strong.

In the end the only answer to the chaos involved in dating will be the members of both sexes maturing and mentally evolving over the future years. I do believe that men and women have different ways of apprehending various situations regardless of individual personality traits. Nevertheless I still believe that the dating ritual could be more mutual and lead to more fruitful relationships if more people stopped seeing themselves as guys/girls foremost whom just happen to be John/Jane Does, and instead started seeing themselves as John/Jane Does foremost whom just happen to be guys/girls. We all have our individual preferences regardless of the sex we were born as, and this concept does not change when it comes to dating. To expect a society full of so many different archetypes and personalities to positively respond to a certain set of rigid dating rules is an untenable thought to me.

photo via flickr

What’s your opinion on the 69? Is it a win-win in the bedroom, the ultimate in quid-pro-quo? An intense, in-your-face (literally!) intimacy? Or is it distracting/boring/complicated/claustrophobic?

Leave your response in the comments section below (feel free to share your age, gender, relationship status, etc., if it’s relevant to your answer).

Dave, in response to the recent post “It Shouldn’t Matter WHY You Use Contraception, Damn It“:

Here is the argument that feels strongest to me.

1. The US Constitution says that the government cannot force religious beliefs on US citizens.
2. Pretty much all hospitals in the US get 50% or more of their money from the US government in the form of medicare and medicaid payments.
3. So if a hospital forces me to follow their religious beliefs (by not providing services that are against their beliefs), it is effectively the US government forcing me to follow religious beliefs because it is their money that makes that hospital stay open.

Also, under my argument any hospital could refuse any services they want as long as they quit taking government money (which almost no hospitals could afford to do).  This seems fairly reasonable to me because as long as they aren’t using my money to do it, I don’t have any say in what they do.

Just my 2 cents.