In response to a less than eloquent (though well intentioned) comment in the post “My New Boyfriend Has a Small Penis,” reader Dallas said the following. Thank you, Dallas, for so succinctly reminding readers everywhere that a large vocabulary can take you places a large penis never will. And we don’t just mean Spelling Bees — we’re talking about dating, too.
You know what else matters besides the size of a penis? Grammar.
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December 7, 2012
At what point in a relationship is it acceptable to give a gift that is sex-related — a high-end toy, perhaps, or a saucy costume or, say, a beginner’s guide to kink* (to offer a completely random example…)? After you’ve met each other’s parents? After you’ve met each other’s a-holes? After you’ve shared last names? Let us know what you think in the comments section below.
* We happen to think that 150 Shades of Play: A Beginner’s Guide to Kink makes a fantastic holiday gift for booty calls, sisters-in-law, husbands and wives, book club friends, open-minded colleagues, anonymous White Elephant Party recipients…
December 5, 2012
Reader Lily had this to say in response to “Your Call: Can a Relationship Work If One Person Is More Into It?”:
Relationships seem to have a subtle but brilliant push/pull mechanism that make them ‘work’ in the beginning. Then after a while you have to consciously chip in in order to keep it afloat. Â If you’re not willing to be part of that, don’t enroll. This is where it usually ends, when one partner feels, accurately or not, that they are doing all the work. When it comes to love in a spiritual sense, I wonder if it isn’t the same thing: it usually ends if one person feels like he or she is doing all the loving.
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December 3, 2012
We got the following letter of enquiry via our site this past weekend, from a guy claiming to be in a long distance relationship with the love of his life, who’s now trying to crowdfund a trip to see her so he can propose. We’re suckers for a good love story, but we ain’t buying this one. The Indiegogo video is full of cheesy stock photography, syrupy music, an insincere-sounding voice-over, and basically zero personal info. Oh, and the creepy laughing! We think it’s more likely that this is an experiment in what people will fall for than it is a real public plea for supporting tru wuv. Â (Apparently, people won’t fall for much, since he hasn’t gotten a dime in the past three days). What do you think? Is this a fraud, or are we just cold-hearted cynics? Is this a scam perpetrated by someone without an editor, or is it just a misguided attempt at crowdfunding by a total cheeseball?
Hi Em & Lo,
I came across your blog and wanted to reach out to you. Â After reading much of what you have written I know you can relate to where I am coming from. Â I wanted to share my story with you.. I hope you will find it in your heart to pass this along and share it with your readers.
I met my Girlfriend one random night around the Holidays in 2003. There seemed to be an instant connection but neither of us really thought one way or another about it at the time. Â Over the next few months we kept in touch and would email each other on occasion to say Hi. The more we talked, we really got to know each other as individuals. Who we are, our personalities, our values, our thoughts, our goals and dreams. We realized that we were so much alike even though we came from completely different backgrounds.
As time went on we grew even closer. Â At the time neither of us were searching for a connection with someone in this way, yet we found ourselves being distracted by thoughts of each other at the most random moments. Â Every day, everywhere we went, everything we did, we found our minds being filled with thoughts of each other in the sweetest way. Â We would catch ourselves smiling a very special smile, that everyone around us noticed, every time we were lost in those thoughts or even at the mere mention of each other’s name.
We were falling in love. Read the rest of this entry »
November 28, 2012
Reader Johnny had this to say in response to our post, “Wise Guys: Can Men Handle the Fact of Female Bodily Functions?”
Farting in front of me? My lady has farted ON me. I started it. She returned fire. I was aghast. How COULD she? Jesus CHRIST! Frankly, I have always been emphatically opposed to revelations of female bodily function (except menstruation, which never bothered me). I like a seamless veneer of femininity, and that’s what I thought I had found in my dainty lil’ lady. Now here she is laughing her ass off after bending over and blowing one right at me; she is mimicking the stunned and horrified look on my face, and laughing even harder; tears of hilarity well up in her eyes as I stomp to the bathroom and wash my face. I was stone-faced and disgusted, but she offered no apology.
It is battle I lost. Flatulence is now a cornerstone of our domestic humor. It took some getting used to, but hey, I’ve got a pretty little lady with the maturity of a 13 year old boy. Don’t all guys dream of that?
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November 14, 2012
Reader Jenna said the following in response to the post “Your Call: How Can She Tell If a Guy Is Playing Games?”
Men who are serious about relationships usually have a certain amount of transparency. They let you meet friends or family without it being a big production. They share details of their day or their nights out. They call/ text when they say they will and return your calls in a reasonable amount of time. If a man is veiled in secrecy, it’s probably because he is playing games. Or, a spy. But I’d put my money on the former.
The main thing I would suggest is to listen to your gut. If you feel like he is playing you, he probably is. You should just be straightforward and ask. Also, actions speak louder than words, so judge him by his behavior, not just what he tells you.
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November 8, 2012
This comment from Mactek in response to the post “Wise Guys: If He Asks About Size, Can I Tell Him the Truth?” recalls our favorite comment from two weeks ago titled “Love a Woman As Is.” Hey, what’s good for the goose is good for the gander!
I want a woman who loves, appreciates, adores, admires and desires me. My penis is a part of me. It always has been. If I can’t trust a woman to desire my penis and sexual virility, why would I trust her with my heart.
Ladies, if your man catches a whiff of your disappointment in his manhood, you had better believe that exaggerated mental picture will be running through his head. Good luck dealing with his erection problems.
If you are unable to tell him that you love his size, you should show him by immediately pulling down his trow and smothering the little guy with sexy kisses and squeezes and other pleasant activities. This is your time to woman up.
November 5, 2012
Our friend Nathaniel Frank is the author of the book Unfriendly Fire: How the Gay Ban Undermines the Military and Weakens America. He was an expert witness in two Constitutional challenges to “don’t ask, don’t tell,” whose success helped end the policy. Yesterday he spoke on the phone with the parents of his best friend about how they were planning on voting tomorrow; he was moved afterward to write this open letter to them:
Dear X & Y:
We go back a long time, to the beginning of my college years. I’ve known you over half my life, and you’ve become like another set of parents to me. I’ve enjoyed sparring with you over politics at Christmas dinner, and I respect that you, X, have been a proud Republican all your life (for reasons that I understand, even though I disagree with them) and that you, Y, have prided yourself on being an independent voter.
I realize there are many factors that shape our decisions about whom we think should lead our country. No one person will fully represent all that’s important to us, so we must choose the issues we value the most, size up a candidate’s character as best we can, and ultimately pull the lever we think will do the most good.
For me, that’s Barack Obama’s lever, as I’ve explained elsewhere. You’ll decide who it is for you, but I feel compelled to ensure you know just what Mitt Romney believes and promises to do about gay people like me and your son, Z. For I fear that many people have the vague sense that Romney can’t be that bad on gay rights, but they haven’t really gotten all the information. And even when they hear tidbits trickling out, they haven’t fully absorbed what a Romney presidency could mean for the gay people they love.
Romney not only opposes your son’s right to marry the person he loves, but opposes civil unions, a back-of-the-bus version of relationship recognition designed to do nothing but remind gay couples that they’re lesser. That puts Romney to the right of George W. Bush who supported civil unions, and well to the right of Dick Cheney, who supports marriage equality. Marriage is not a mere abstraction or symbol — a government study found that it provides over 1100 crucial rights and protections, and states provide many more.
It gets worse: Romney doesn’t only oppose marriage equality, he supports tearing a hole in the U.S. Constitution to ban it, using the amendment process for the first time ever to remove instead of protect a right. This could annul tens of thousands of existing marriages, yanking away rights and tearing families apart. If you think I’m being dramatic, check out this report I helped author showing that the two million children of LGBT parents have become “collateral damage” of anti-gay ideology and law.
Romney doesn’t only oppose marriage for gays, he finds the prospect of gay parenting to be anathema to all that’s good and civil. As governor of Massachusetts, according to the Boston Globe, he “opposed child-rearing by gay couples” and when his state’s Supreme Court legalized same-sex marriage, he refused to grant accurate birth certificates to kids born to same-sex couples. Indeed, Romney hasn’t only opposed gay parenting, he’s been downright derisive of it. “Some gays are actually having children born to them,” he told a South Carolina audience in 2005. “It’s not right on paper. It’s not right in fact. Every child has a right to a mother and father.” More recently, Etch-a-Sketch Mitt tried to moderate his image by warming to gay adoptions but — after hollering from the religious right – back-tracked the very next day claiming that “actually” all he’d done was to “simply acknowledge the fact that gay adoption is legal” in most states.
It gets worse: Romney approves of the idea that states should be free to bar your son from entering the hospital to sit by the bedside of his dying partner (don’t worry — he’s not dying!) And he puts his considerable money where is mouth is. He’s donated at least $60,000 to anti-gay causes. That’s more than a lot of Americans make in a year.
It gets worse: Romney signed a pledge with a fiercely anti-gay organization that he would appoint federal judges who would block gay rights. That means, if he can, appointing a Supreme Court that would likely have criminalized homosexuality itself, not to mention that will oppose same-sex marriage.
It gets worse: As governor of Massachusetts, Romney, who was forced to apologize for having bullied a gay student in prep school, blocked the publication of an anti-bullying guide when he learned it mentioned bisexual and transgender people, and he abolished the Governor’s Commission on Gay and Lesbian Youth.
In fact, what we now know of Romney suggests he can be not only frighteningly out of touch but astoundingly cold and unfeeling about vulnerable and unfamiliar people. As governor of Massachusetts, he told Julie Goodridge, a lesbian mother who was the named plaintiff in the same-sex marriage court case, “I didn’t know you had families.” And it wasn’t a moment of touching revelation. When Goodridge asked him, “What would you suggest I say to my 8 year-old daughter about why her mommy and her ma can’t get married because you, the governor of her state, are going to block our marriage?” he reportedly said, “I don’t really care what you tell your adopted daughter.” She wasn’t adopted. “Why don’t you just tell her the same thing you’ve been telling her the last eight years.” Trying to usher her out of his office, he said, “is there anything else?” Goodridge recalls it as a heartbreaking meeting. “I’ve never stood before someone who had no capacity for empathy,” she said. “It went [beyond] flat affect. It was a complete lack of ability or motivation to understand other people.”
Think Mitt’s a moderate dressed up as a “severely conservative” candidate (as he’s called himself)? What I’ve described above are not only his words but his thoughts, his beliefs, his actions, his record. These are the things he thinks, says and does. He did them when in power, and will do them again. Because the day he enters the White House, he’s running for a second term. He still needs to hold his coalition together. And he’s shown what he’ll do to maintain power.
In at least three cases, gay people who worked under Romney were fired or forced out when their identities became public — in all three cases, Romney was wooing the right wing by showing how tough he was on gays.
And that’s the thing: if all this is not enough for you to reconsider pulling the lever for Mitt, if his beliefs and positions and record on gay rights are just not enough to sway you, consider this: Mitt Romney is someone who will exploit the vulnerable to gain and maintain power. That’s a character flaw that transcends how we each may prioritize the various issues we care about. It speaks to leadership and trustworthiness. Sure, politicians throw folks under the bus all the time. Obama dissed “Wall Street fat cats” to leverage populist anger among his base. But here’s the difference: Obama picked on the powerful — they can take it (and sometimes they deserve it); Romney abuses the vulnerable to advance himself, and that’s despicable.
Other issues matter that we both care about — matter a lot. If those issues take precedence in swaying your vote, so be it — I probably won’t convince you with one letter. But let me just say a few sentences about these issues.
On the economy, you may have heard a pitched debate about whether the math for Romney’s plan adds up. The truth is in the middle: it’s based on wildly optimistic projections that are the opposite of conservative — anyone running a business or household that way would be laughed out of power. The only prudent take-away is that he’s highly unlikely to achieve the tax and growth agenda he’s selling, and as Slate points out, he’ll never get it through Congress even if he wins. He promises 12 million new jobs that experts predict will emerge no matter who’s in power. And Obama’s steps to save the auto industry, stop the bleeding and begin to stimulate the economy have shown documentable results.
Some experts say it should take ten years to recover from the recession the Republicans left us with; Obama’s only had four and he’s still created nearly 5 million jobs after the recession he inherited shedding over $4 million. There’s plenty more to do, but little evidence that Romney’s plan will make things better.
On foreign policy, Romney basically endorsed every Obama position in the last debate, putting almost no daylight between the two men. Benghazi was a tragedy that’s an unfortunate result of living in a world that’s not risk-free. The idea of a cover-up, that the White House expected to keep the possibility of Al Qaeda links from the public all the way through the election, is asinine, given how much information it turns out there was about what really appears to have happened. Meanwhile, did Bush prevent 9/11? No (but Obama brought Bin Laden to Justice), in part because his national security team was still fixated on a phantom Cold War that ended a decade before.
On the environment, people can disagree on the extent and threat of climate change but it was Romney who used rising oceans as a laugh line weeks before those oceans poured over sea walls to inundate American towns and cities, destroying thousands of lives. He has said we should divert federal relief resources to local governments and even private contractors. How can a town or a company jet in $25 million gallons of emergency fuel to affected areas like the military is doing as we speak? This liberal will cheer the Pentagon every step of the way. Oh, and a woman’s right to choose? Don’t expect a Romney Supreme Court to protect it.
Many have called LGBT equality the civil rights issue of our time. I think they’re right. Now that the two candidates have offered us the starkest choice ever on this critical issue, the choice you make will become part of your legacy. With whom do you want to cast your vote? Which camp reflects who you are and who you want to be? No one ever doubted you love your son with all your being; no one thinks you have an ounce of homophobia in your blood. If you’re pausing even for a moment to consider voting for Obama, I hope it’s, in part, because your relationships with your son, with me, and with all your gay friends, have offered the opportunity to connect the lives of gay people with your own values. But I hope you won’t do it it for your son, or for me, or your gay friends. I hope you’ll do it, if you do it, because having processed the available information, you’ve decided it’s what you think is right.
– Nathaniel Frank
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November 1, 2012
Our contributor is a college student who wishes to remain anonymous. She has some sage advice to impart on the topic of three ways…
When people give warnings about threeways, it’s usually directed at couples who are bringing in a third party. Threeways are not a relationship-building exercise, they tell you. Are you sure your relationship can handle this? they ask. The reality is rarely as hot as the fantasy, they intone. Do you both want this equally? And this is all good, solid advice — I know this because I have had a threeway as one half of a couple.
But what people don’t often tell you is that it’s not easy being the third wheel, either. I’ve been there, too, and I can report that there are just as many potential pitfalls when you’re the single one — in fact, sometimes it can be even harder.
Until I tried it, I thought being the single person — the guest star of the evening! — would mean having all the fun with none of the pressure or tension of wondering what might happen to your relationship. All the tangled bedsheets, none of the nagging insecurities! And at first, this was true. My single lady threesome days proceeded similarly to the San Francisco summer of 1969: the first few experiences and couples were all love, sunshine, and plenty of orgasms to go around. By the end of the summer, though, everything good about swapping favors with couples had turned bad.
The final couple of the summer was my worst experience to date. They asked me to be their number three because they trusted me. And, perhaps, because they knew I was experienced in threesomes, too — I wasn’t some newbie who was going to try and mess with their relationship or commit some threeway faux-pas. But all the trust and experience in the world is no match for a couple who just isn’t ready for a threeway. Despite our best attempts to outline rules and regulations beforehand, the night ended in a storm of arguments between the couple.  And if you think it sucks being a couple in that situation, imagine being the lonely third stuck on the bed watching the entire thing unfold.
When I first arrived at the couple’s house, they poured me a glass of white wine as we sat on their bedroom floor, all of us eager and a bit nervous. We discussed their previously concocted rules and what everyone’s comfort levels were on various sexual acts. Additionally, I suggested that we choose a safe word in case things went in a direction someone was uncomfortable with — that way we could redirect the threeway without having to disrupt the lively libidinous mood of the night.
The more we talked, the more we learned about each other. Sounds like we were on the right track, right? Unfortunately, the guy had failed to tell his partner just how many times he and I had been together previously. It was years ago, and it was never as a couple — his girlfriend knew this, but she didn’t know exactly how often. Awkward time to find out that your partner wasn’t completely honest with you! (I’d assumed she was fully in the know.) We also discussed how he had cheated on every one of his partners, except her. Again, not exactly the best way to make your partner feel secure and safe as she prepares to engage in a threeway.
Not surprisingly, there was a lot of tension in the room. For some reason, though, we all agreed that it was a good idea to go ahead with the threeway anyway. Once you’ve got that far, I guess it’s hard to turn back. And for most of the night, we had a great time. But as the evening wore on, the man became jealous of his partner and me getting intimate together. Rather than pull the plug on the evening, he let his jealousy grow until he couldn’t stand it any longer — and then he launched into a massive argument with her. In a slightly drunken stupor, they staggered to the bathroom, fighting all the way, and slammed the door shut behind them. Meanwhile, I was left in the dark, somewhat dehydrated, lying on another couple’s sex stained bed and listening to them yell at each other through a closed door. Not exactly my favorite way to spend an evening. I gathered my things as I tried to put together how this night took such a dramatic turn for the worst.
Here’s what I came up with — consider it some much-needed advice for the pinch-hitter in a threeway (though most of this advice applies to anyone considering a threeway). Do not proceed without the following:
1. Communicate. The couple needs to tell you exactly what is and is not acceptable — preferably at a time before the night of the threesome. This is because (a) this talk is necessary but not always sexy foreplay talk; and (b) this talk may make any one of you rethink the threeway — and some time lag will give you each a chance to change your mind. Some recommended topics to cover: Will the guest be able to have intercourse with either partner? Can there be two-way kisses or only three-way kisses? What positions do you want to try that involve three people? How are we handling safer sex? Similarly, the guest should also communicate boundaries. Think of it as a consultation to make sure everyone is on the same page.
2. Know thyself. Really knowing yourself and where your boundaries lie is key. For example, the guy in this threeway had no idea that he would be jealous of his girlfriend kissing another woman. As a guest, are you prepared for what your role will be? What if the couple treats you as a human sex toy, for example? What if they only want to kiss each other?
3. Have (and use, if necessary) a safeword. Of course, you can’t always know in advance how something will make you feel. Hence the need for a safe word – and the need to actually use it!
4. STOP at any time. You can pull the plug after the initial communication session, you can run a mile when they open the door to you, or you can yell the safe word right after everyone gets naked. Don’t ever keep going just because it seems like it would be “awkward” to stop. It’s way more awkward to keep going with a threeway you know one or all of you will regret later. And don’t feel bad ditching a couple if you sense they’re not ready for a threeway — you’re doing them and their relationship a favor.
5. Make sure you trust each other. Everyone knows that the couple must trust each other, duh. But the guest also needs to trust that the couple has come to the right decision in having a threesome. If you think one of the partners is not emotionally stable enough for it, then you must politely decline the invitation. If you don’t trust one of the partner’s intentions for the threesome, or you think they might overstep their boundaries, then don’t do it. All three of you need to want the best for each other, and to understand the sexual dynamic you each desire. After all, as the guest you are not just there to heat up that couple’s relationship — there needs to be something in it for you, too!
6. Know your responsibilities. The couple is putting their relationship in a vulnerable position when they decide to share their other half with someone outside of the relationship. This means that the guest has a responsibility to stay aware of their boundaries and intently listen to what each partner wants and desires. Similarly, the couple has a responsibility to one another in maintaining trust by keeping in check with their partner to ensure that nothing has gone too far.
7. Don’t get drunk. Consume alcohol responsibly and in moderation. Sure, some liquid confidence may seem like a good idea, but if you feel like you need alcohol to go through with a threesome, you probably should not be having a threesome. A glass of wine to settle the nerves and get in the mood is totally acceptable, but anything beyond that can lead you into the dangerous territory of disrespect, non-consensual sex, and — like my experience — heated arguments.
8. Debrief afterwards. Maybe meet for coffee the next week to check in and see how everyone is doing. This is especially helpful for the single person, because they will be reassured that the couple is still solid in their relationship. Overall, everyone can feel more comfortable and have closure over the experience. Plus, then you won’t live in fear of bumping into each other in the supermarket and having to debrief there!
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October 31, 2012
Two readers this week offered solutions to the really wet spot that can result from female ejaculation, in response to our post “Wise Guys: What Do Men Think About Female Ejaculation?” First, reader Ace Card from the blog The Good Sex Life suggests this:
My favorite squirting aid is our “Liberator Throe Blanket” [$89]. We ordered it from an online store and it is amazing! It’s made for squirting sex, it has a waterproof barrier in the middle with a silky covering on one side of the barrier and a plush covering on the other side for you to choose the side you like most. It looks like a sexy blanket that you just through on your bed. What I like is that it almost covers our queen size mattress entirely, this allows my wife to squirt crazy far and in different positions.
For a cheaper and more D.I.Y. solution, reader Old Faithful (ha) suggests this:
Friends! We have solved the mess problem! I mean, come on, when you are a gusher or you sleep with a gusher, there is new meaning to the term wet spot! Towels can soak through. The thing that works is a product designed for incontinent rabbits – a soft, quilted cotton pad with a soft waterproof material on the reverse side, completely washable about a yard square, holds 2 cups liquid! We keep one by the bed or folded under the pillow and lay it across a chair to dry after use before going in the wash. This product can be purchased for around $20 at the site CatFaeries.com.
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January 2, 2013
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