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Confession: I Am Heteroflexible

June 13, 2013

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Our contributor is a college student who wishes to remain anonymous. She has this to say about labels…

I’m definitely not straight, definitely not gay, nowhere near asexual, and not exactly bisexual.

In its simplest form, the meaning of heteroflexible can be found on the sexual spectrum as a sliding scale between straight and bisexual — and this is the label I am most comfortable with, if I’m forced to give my sexual orientation a name.

I’m often not attracted to the conventional manly/good-looking man, and I like men who explore their own sexual flexibility. I often find myself sitting silently when my friends swoon or trade obscene sexual quips about men in magazines or on the streets. Even when I was as young as 2nd grade, I can remember not having as many crushes on my fellow peers as everyone else. In middle school, I had an unusual amount of male friends — and as it turned out, my best male friend had just as many female friends. Not surprisingly, under those circumstances, combined with hormones and peer judgement of preteens, we had more than one conversation about whether or not we were gay. Thus the contemplation of my sexuality began to evolve.

As soon as high school hit and puberty was in full swing, I was certain guys were on my mind and they were absolutely in my bed. But I still wanted to kiss girls too.

At that time, however, being bisexual had more of a stigma, even for women, and it wasn’t something people were jumping to identify with unless they’d had a “real” relationship with a woman. If you were like me, and had only kissed and crushed, then it was easier to just be a straight girl who liked watching The L Word.

And then, at the beginning of college, I took a class where the professor had us write down three one-word self-descriptors — such as “tall, white, male” or “lesbian, Asian, woman” — and then had us each cross one out. I crossed out my sexuality. Being “straight” didn’t feel right. I crossed out the descriptor that felt the least important to me. Maybe it didn’t feel as important because as a straight person I felt little oppression, but it also didn’t belong on the list because it didn’t feel a part of me.

This was a significant exercise for me because it allowed me to really think about my own sexuality. I always felt like my sexuality was very fluid, but at the time I had only ever had boyfriends and had only kissed women before. I felt like, if I identified as bisexual, I would be discriminated against. And also that I’d be a “poser” because I’d never had a girlfriend or even slept with a woman before. In other words, as Britney Spears almost kind of sang, I was not straight, not yet bisexual.

Part of me still feels uncomfortable about the idea of being in a relationship with a woman. Women and romance is still a mystery to me. I don’t even know what kind of woman would like me. The role I play and the type of relationship dynamics I have in my female vs male friendships are very distinct from one another. So I can’t help but think that a romantic relationship with a woman would be very different from the relationships I have with men. I think I would take a more submissive, possibly not as confident, position in a relationship with a woman. Whereas with men, I feel a perfect balance between mutual nurturing and free spirited-ness. The thought of being with a woman can feel scary, because it is an unknown.

I still think about women and have crushes on women, though. I sleep with women. I fantasize about women and how different being with a woman might be from being with a man. However, I always end up with bigger, more accessible relationships with men. I consider myself heteroflexible because that is what I feel is the closest label to my reality.

I could go without a label. Or pansexual even hits close to home. But heteroflexible feels more honest and genuine to what I’ve experienced. Maybe it’s simply my lack of experience that leaves me identifying as heteroflexible — or maybe it’s my heteroflexible nature that makes me lack a more bisexual existence. I suppose only time and self-exploration will tell.

Our sexuality can feel intimately intertwined with who we are. Labels can make us feel closer to or further from ourselves. They can map out and give us little pushes in the movement and labyrinth of defining oneself — being comfortable with accepting of oneself. For now I will let my heteroflexibility, sexual fluidity, and (oh yeah, thanks to Freud) my pleasure principle guide me.


The Inspiring Results of One Couple’s Better Sex Experiment (Part 2 of 2)

May 29, 2013


As you might recall, our intrepid couple Emma and Seth volunteered to take on Durex‘s “Get Closer to Go Further” challenge. They’ve spent the past few weeks experimenting with an intimacy kit sent to them by Durex containing sex toys and lube and sex tips and spa gift certificates, oh my! Did they get closer and go further? Or did everything just end in giggles? Let’s find out:

Em & Lo: What was it like getting a box of love treats in the mail?

EMMA: Super exciting! I came home hoping it was there and not stolen or lost in the mail (SF postal service is cray) and when I saw it I got giddy. Seth wasn’t with me when I found it, but I was too eager to wait for him so I just opened it a little, just to get a hint at what was inside. Then when we were together we went through it all and were really surprised how much nice stuff there was — you never know with these giveaway packages, but Durex totally delivered on their promise.

SETH: They did a really great job of wrapping it up all nicely in tissue paper and including a handwritten note, which made it really fun to open for the first time.

What items came in the Durex Kit?

EMMA: Susie Bright’s “I Dare You” cards, Kama Sutra’s body chocolate, an aphrodisiac cooking book, a Durex bullet vibe, Durex massage and lube in one, Durex Extra Sensitive condoms and Performix Intense condoms, a kit to make mixed drinks, $200 to spafinder, $150 to restaurant.com, and a Kind Notes jar.

What were your favorite items and why?

EMMA: I liked the cook book a lot! I had read through it before in a bookstore and thought it was a pretty book. Now I finally have a sexy themed coffee table book..about time. Also the little Durex bullet was unexpectedly powerful. Anyone who doubts a condom company can make a good sex toy should buy it. The silicone is even velvety soft and smooth!

SETH: The spafinder gift certificate was pretty exciting because neither of us have had professional massages before. We ended up getting a Swedish couples massage together. It was neat to share the same anticipation together in the waiting room, and then to share our first-time thoughts about it afterwards.

What were the results of playing with the “I Dare You” set? 

EMMA: We went through the entire “I Dare You” card set in one night. Some of the dares were difficult to try because we still have roommates — we didn’t want someone walking in on us when we were christening a common room! Although Seth did make it into the kitchen to take a ridiculous photo — big thanks to Susie Bright for that one, something my eyes cannot unsee.

The dares were definitely the best part of the deck (compared to the truths). There were lots of suggestions on how to incorporate each other’s whole bodies rather than just focusing on the usual/obvious places to touch…which is always a good reminder and I was able to express to Seth how much I like when he explores even the most forgotten, simple places on my body.

SETH: The 2-in-1 massage oil/lube was a fun treat because it’s perfect for transitioning from a massage to sexy time. It was an easy way to help get each other relaxed so that we could leave the stresses of the day behind and become more in touch with our bodies and each other. It also paired well with the mixology/cocktail kit.

Did you discover anything new — about sex, or about each other — by doing this? (E.g. things you like, things you definitely don’t like, ways to talk to each other, etc.)

SETH: We learned about what ways of talking and tones work for us in the bedroom, as well as some more unconventional ways to turn each other on. For example, I never knew that a large glass of water could be used as an intimate bedroom accessory.

EMMA: We also both discovered from opening one Kind Note a day that cheesy quotations on love don’t really do it for us. And that neither of us really enjoy “ice breakers” — we’re definitely more into forced dares than forced truths!

How has this experience improved your relationship?

EMMA: We were given a chance to do things that we otherwise wouldn’t have, at least not yet anyways, which allowed us to have new, unique experiences together. We were able to bond and set out quality time for just for the two of us instead of getting distracted by work, friends, facebook, etc.

SETH: It prompted good conversations about what turns us on — especially the “I Dare You” cards. And it helped us bring new and spontaneous activities into our relationship.

Was it helpful to have this set period of time where you agreed to try new things together — or did it feel forced/silly? Would you recommend this kind of experiment?

EMMA: Seth was at the end of his intensive coding school when we got the package, and I didn’t want to distact him from his studies too much, but it was nice when we were able to carve out some time. And a massage is a pretty perfect way to celebrate the end of a semester. I would definitely recommend it because getting outside your comfort zone can be a good opportunity for growth, even if it seems awkward or distancing at first.

SETH: The time-frame was a little short to fit all of the activities in around our busy schedules, but it was still really nice to have all these ready-to-go ideas and suggestions for when we were able to have couple-time.

What will  you continue to do in the future based on this experience?

EMMA: Try to express more how I feel right then when something in bed makes me feel uncomfortable, rather than kind of getting quiet, trying to work it out on my own and then talking about it later. I need to remember to talk about and experience everything in the bedroom together. This project helped me focus on everything as more of a partnership.

SETH: I’ll try to remember to keep things spontaneous both inside and outside the bedroom.

Em & Lo’s Take Away: Investing in your sex life a bit, buying yourself and your partner toys and treats, setting aside specific times to play and experiment, trying new things — these are all things that are essential not only to making long term monogamy work, but to keeping it hot. You may not get a box of free sexual tips and treats in a nicely wrapped package on your doorstep, but following good (and free) advice like on “Get Closer to Go Further” (as well as this humble little site) is the next best thing!

How One Couple Gets Closer to Go Further… In Bed (Part 1 of 2)

May 28, 2013


sponsored post

***Originally Posted on May 2nd, 2013***

Introducing Our “Get Closer Go Further” Project

We’re thrilled to team up with Durex for this “Get Closer to Go Further” project, which encourages committed couples to do just that: build intimacy in order to explore more sexual territories together. And when we say “go further,” we’re not just talking physically, but emotionally, too. Call it the liberating side of being together, a.k.a. long-term monogamy does have its benefits! (So there.) With great tips, challenges, and products, we’ll show you how couples can get more out of their love lives, whether they’re newly committed or married with kids for 20 years!

How It Works

Meet Emma and Seth* (pictured above), a San Francisco-based couple in their mid-twenties that we’ve chosen to be our model couple for testing out the “Get Closer to Go Further” plan. Today, we will tell you a bit about what makes them tick, sexually and emotionally speaking. Then we’ll send them away for a few weeks so they can experiment with a fabulous intimacy kit from Durex — sex toys and lube and sex tips and spa gift certificates, oh my! We will talk to them again after — and we’ll report back here, of course, along with a video of the couple chatting about their experience — to discover what they learned about intimacy and exploration.

About Our Chosen Couple

Emma and Seth met about a year ago — he was playing bocce ball with some friends at the park in San Francisco, while she was on a reading date with herself at the park (how much do you love them both already?). Seth invited Emma to join them — hello, brave man! — and they bonded immediately over their mutual love of the Talking Heads and Wes Anderson films… which segued very nicely into a date to see Moonrise Kingdom together (which is pretty much the most awesomely romantic first date movie we can think of).

Two elements which are key to their entire relationship, from a simple lunch date to what they do in bed together, are laughter and communication. And these elements were there from the very start — Seth says that the first thing he noticed about Emma was “her goofy sense of humor and unforgettable blue eyes.” Meanwhile, the moment Emma fell for Seth was this: “When we first met he described the full scope of the personality of a dog he once knew — afterwards I called my mom and told her I met a really funny and thoughtful guy.”

So how does this translate in the bedroom? In terms of communication, they are both very open about sharing their sexual fantasies with each other — things they want to try, what they like and don’t like. Plus, they are really into debriefing after sex, especially when they’ve tried something new: How was that for you? What could have been different? And so on. And in terms of laughter? They have started to experiment with some light playful domination and submission together, but it involves lots of laughter, Emma says: “Things get hot and heavy, but laughter eases any potential anxieties we may have.”

How They Get Closer

  • On weekends, they love to explore their city, San Francisco, together.
  • They try to find new ways to learn more about each other, such as reading the same book and meeting for a discussion.
  • They are in separate social circles but still spend a lot of time together, e.g. enjoying “parallel time”  together where they are being productive on separate interests while keeping each other company.
  • They both value music, literature, psychology, and the arts, and pursue these interests together.
  • They are very nurturing to each other and love helping each other out and doing favors. Emma says, “This started out by him helping me re-park my car on street cleaning days, which was more of an excuse to hang out on my part — but it actually gave us a nurturing element to our relationship very quickly.”

How They Go Further

  • The safe and supportive environment that they have created together means they both feel free to be sexually creative and expressive, which obviously leads to better sex!
  • Because of this, Emma says:  ”I feel more freedom to concentrate on what feels good or what would be fun at that moment, rather than worrying too much if I am doing the right thing. I have been able to lose myself in my pleasure a little more.”
  • To avoid getting into a rut or getting too comfortable in bed together, they are constantly reading books or sending each other articles on new things they might like to try. And they maintain a constant dialogue about sex outside of the bedroom — this is great both for discussing sex in a low-pressure environment, and also for keeping the foreplay going all day long!
  • To get specific, Seth says:  ”I’ve learned to speak up more during sex and that dirty talk can really add to the experience. I’ve also learned that I like to play with light power dynamics.”
  • And Emma chimes in, just as specifically: “I’ve learned the beauty of orgasm from nipple stimulation and have grown to accept some kinky things about myself that I was slightly afraid of facing before, like being totally okay with a sexual experience purely based on spanking.” (Yep, we’re pretty sure that everyone has at least one Christian & Ana fantasy worth exploring!)

How They’d Like to Go Even Further

  • Emma is really interested in playing around with gender roles and some role reversal in the bedroom, perhaps even using a strap-0n — Seth says he is hesitant about all of this, but willing to give it a try.
  • Seth, meanwhile, would love more spontaneous outside-of-the-bedroom sexy encounters. He’d also like to experiment with different toys — Emma introduced him to toys at the beginning of the relationship, but they haven’t done that in a while, and he’d like to explore that area again.
  • Emma feels that she should get more up to date and creative in the erotic sex talk department.
  • Of course, if they’re going to accomplish this entire list, Seth thinks that maybe they should invest in some better sound insulation from his neighbors!

But note to readers: It wasn’t always like this! Emma and Seth worked on their relationship and their comfort level together to get there. For example, their first time having intercourse together wasn’t exactly Hollywood-smooth, Emma says: “Despite having had numerous sexy times together before, our first time having intercourse was, as first times often are, a little rocky. It was an intense build-up of desire and then we suddenly, awkwardly, felt unsure of what the other really wanted or liked.” But, as Monty Python would say, it got better! And we have a feeling it will get even better than that… tune in next month to find out all the dirty details.

Try to Get Closer Yourself

In the meantime, you can get a taste of some of the tips and tricks they’ll be trying out on Durex’s special “The Liberating Side of Being Together” website. It’s all about intimacy and partnership — celebrating the positive nature of sexploration with someone you trust.

*They both requested pseudonyms in case they ever have children who like to Google! Everything else in this post, including the cute photo, is a true story.

4 Reasons Why It’s Good to Take Turns During Sex

May 23, 2013

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photo via flickr

Our contributor Jewely Hoxie studies Human Sexuality at the University of California Santa Cruz (read her blog here). She has this to say about the importance of taking turns…

I’m pretty sure I’m not alone in having this ever-present fantasy of succumbing to someone else completely — someone who’ll give me a pleasure power-hour. You know the kind I mean — all eyes on you, teasing as well as devouring. Well, what if I told you that you and your partner could both fulfill this fantasy for each other, all the time!? Taking turns doesn’t mean twiddling your thumbs while you wait not-so-patiently for your turn — it could actually be your answer to even more satisfying partner sex (and remember, sex doesn’t just mean intercourse). Here’s how and why…

1. Fewer Distractions, More Appreciation

  • Seeing as taking turns is basically the opposite of 69, I have to mention this particular act, though I already covered the pleasures and perils of 69 earlier on this site. However, distractions are seen in other sex acts outside of 69. The passionate I-can’t-keep-my-hands-off-of-you act, and touching each other everywhere at the same time is great, but can also have its limitations. Completely embracing your partner’s touch may be difficult if you are also thinking about about what to do for them. You may run the risk of being too much in your own head — does my partner like this? Should I mix it up? Should I stay where I am? Etc etc. Sexual anxiety can quickly creep in.
  • You can be fully in tune with your own body when it is your partner’s turn to pleasure you. Remember that concept of when you lose one sense, another is heightened? It is kind of like that — when you aren’t thinking about what to do next to your partner, you get to fully appreciate what they are doing for you.
  • Finally, it’s a true exercise of the desire you have to pleasure your partner, as well as the admiration you have for what your partner can do for you.

2. Differing Tastes

  • When it’s your turn to do the pleasuring, you get to create the sexual setting and performance all on your own. If you are both trying to turn each other on at the same time, you could get caught in a difference of mood. You may want to tease them, while they want to simply jump your bones that minute.
  • If your partner likes to move one way and you like to go the other way, taking turns is a great way to engage in those separate preferences without having to fake that you like something and not actually get off. And hey, you might actually find yourself liking something new just because you love seeing how much they are enjoying themselves. That whole classical conditioning thing.

3. Team Building

  • When you take turns getting each other off, you can’t simply rely on your amazing pheromone compatibility or staring deep into each other’s eyes. Taking turns brings you to a place where you get to really know what your partner likes physically. Technique matters more, because you can feel everything a lot more.
  • It’s important to become experts at sex with each other. This means always educating yourself on what your partner enjoys and how you both fit into that.
  • It fosters communication in bed! Taking turns creates an open space for conveying to one another what doesn’t work, what feels good, and what feels better (e.g., instead of both of you grabbing for each other’s genitals, she can guide your hand while you finger her).

4. No Guilt for Not Giving; No Dissatisfaction for Not Getting Yours, Too

It’s a win-win situation. ‘Nuff said.


Confession: My Love-Hate Relationship with the 69 Position

May 9, 2013


Our contributor Jewely Hoxie studies Human Sexuality at the University of California Santa Cruz (read her blog here). She has this to say about the pros and cons of the 69 position…

I will, with ease and without shame, say that 69 is a profoundly silly position. Sure, it sounds great upon first listen. We both get pleasure at the same time! What’s not to like? But let’s take a moment here. Really think about that. Think about what it takes to make your partner feel crazy good in bed. Think about how you feel when your partner makes you feel crazy good in bed. Let’s not even go into how there’s no way your muscle control is that powerful or how your mind would even handle that! So let’s weigh up the pros and cons…


1. It Never Lives Up to Its Reputation
The expectation of what 69 will feel like can be a let down to the actual physical pleasure conceived from 69.

2. It Makes Giving Less Pleasurable
As it turns out, despite always hearing people say “I give to receive,” performing oral sex makes up my most fond sexy-time affairs. I enjoy building up a rhythm, mixing in different techniques, and basically using my whole body to get the job done. The positioning required for 69 is both physically limiting (e.g., stroking the frenulum while deep throating is nearly impossible at this angle) and mentally distracting.

3. It’s Seriously Distracting
It is important to focus on your own pleasure and tune into your body. For me, this idea is especially true when it comes to oral sex. I need to work a lot harder to have oral stimulation work for me. The simultaneous nature of 69, wanting to make my partner feel good and wanting to appreciate my partner’s techniques at the same time, ends up being too much of a conflict of interest and terribly distracting to be able to really get lost in my own pleasure.

4. It’s Hard to Coordinate
Can you saw awkward anti-rhythm?

5. The View
If you’re of a delicate constitution and are easily taken by surprise: Depending on your positioning and the state of your relationship, 69 has been known to offer you that special first butthole glance with a partner.


1. The Contortions Can Be Fun
69 is also a really silly position in a kind of great way, too. It definitely wins for being the position that elicits the most laughs in my sex life, and I consider that a serious plus — 69 has the beautiful potential of bringing you closer to your partner and easing any anxieties about getting too stuffy and serious about the sex you two are having.

2. The Vulnerability Can Bring You Closer
I suggest waiting to experiment with 69 until you and your partner are really comfortable with one another. Remember, all your undercarriage is going to be full frontal in your partner’s face. I’m not trying to encourage feeling insecure about this (although it’s good manners to please wash all your bits), I’m simply saying that the position does have the possibility of bringing out vulnerable feelings. And I happen to think that’s a good thing!

3. The Sexy Feedback Loop
This is one of the greatest little gifts 69 has to offer: That moment when one partner is breathing/moaning over your genitals — a great response to a job well done, while also being a superb teasing oral sex technique.

4. The View!
If you’re into this: Depending on your positioning and the state of your relationship, 69 has been known to offer you that special first butthole glance with a partner.


Top 6 Toys I Fantasize About

April 11, 2013


Our contributor Jewely Hoxie studies Human Sexuality at the University of California Santa Cruz (read her blog here). She has this to say about the sex toys she wishes were a part of her collection…

1. Whipsmart’s Pleasure Swing
A sex swing sounds like a combination of two of the greatest pleasures in life: playing on the swings and playing with your partner. A full-body, couples’ sex toy seems like a fantastic place to begin opening up to more possibilities for sex.





2. Cobra Libre
I know what you’re thinking, it’s a sex toy for men, but just look at it! It is so sleek and powerful. If I could be a man for one day, this is definitely one of the many things I would experiment with that day. But even as a women with a little bit of imagination, I could figure out how to make this toy just as enjoyable.


3. Knead Me Massage Stones and Candle from Jimmyjane
I’ve often heard that smell is the best aphrodisiac out of all our senses, which is why perfume and deodorant are always advertised in such a sexual manner. I also think that the massage part of a couples’ spa retreat is almost universally known as the pre-jump-my-bones part of the spa retreat. This combo has it all.


4. We-Vibe III
I’ve tried multiple cock rings to get that vibrating stimulation I love so much while I’m with my partner, but the We-Vibe has a whole new take on that sensation. The internal and external stimulation makes it the dual rabbit vibrator of the couples’ sex toy world.



5. Lelo’s Lyla 2 Vibrator with SenseMotion Technology
The trailer (see above) was enough to show me that my ultimate sex fantasy is to have my partner surprise me with orgasms while we have a dance party together. (Read more about Lelo’s SenseMotion technology here.)


6. Jimmyjane’s Eternity
It’s a 24K gold vibrator with 28 round-cut diamonds around it. I’m not much for jewelry — but on a vibrator? That is what I call a girl’s best friend. I don’t know how you could not get off from something that luxe.


In Defense of the Slut

March 28, 2013


Our contributor Jewely Hoxie studies Human Sexuality at the University of California Santa Cruz (read her blog here). She has this to stay about the slut stigma…

How many times have you heard people say, “If she wasn’t such a slut…” or, “She’s kind of a slut, but…” or, “I can’t believe she’s slept with [X number] of people”?

I always interject by pointing out that being a slut is not a bad thing — at least, not in the way I define it, i.e. enthusiastically enjoying your sexuality in ways that are always physically and emotionally safe. There is a big difference between sleeping with ten different guys in one month and taking ten Plan B pills in one month. The former is perfectly fine sluttiness (that I encourage!) while the other has nothing to do with sluttiness and everything to do with being careless and irresponsible. I’ll take the side of sluts any day.

How We Learn the Slut Stigma

At a young age we are often taught that women are somehow damaged if they do not “save themselves” sexually for their one true love. As we grow older, many of us find ourselves – naturally — wanting to have sex before marriage or even true love, but the negative connotations attached to more casual sex can still linger, sometimes subconsciously. This can make women feel detached from their own sexual pleasure, turning sex into something that a women does for someone else rather than for herself. How many times a day do we hear the message that a man needs to work hard in order to convince or trick or pressure a woman to sleep with him in order satisfy his natural animalistic libido, while less lustful-women women resist and hold out until perhaps they eventually “give it up.” The conventional cultural wisdom tells us sex is something men do to women, not something people do together on an even playing field, and certainly not something women ever do to men. You hear that enough times, you start to believe it.

Why People Don’t Want the Slut Stigma to Go Away

We all know the tired old double standard of how awesome and studly men are when they sleep around, compared to how dirty, loose, and unlady-like women are when they have a few notches on the bedpost. Stigmatizing the word “slut” has become a way of controlling women’s sexual behavior. If a women thinks that having a lot of sexual partners makes her undesirable, then she might avoid that kind of behavior. She may end up staying in a relationship that is unhealthy, just to make sure she does not sleep with too many people. She may miss out on experiences that she might otherwise enjoy. And if she dares to follow her desires, the guilt and shame that may follow can be debilitating. Thanks to slut shaming, a woman’s sexual agency is seriously limited.

Why the Slut Stigma Is Dangerous

Using the term “slut” as a pejorative is, in part, responsible for the way in which rape victims often get blamed. A woman was raped because she was “scantily clad,” she was “asking for it,” she was “leading him on” — you know, acting like a “slut.” Retaliating against this way of thinking is what spurred the proliferation of the SlutWalks over the past few years. Organizers wanted to reclaim the word “slut” as something positive.

Why We Need to Embrace “Slut”

Expressing one’s sexuality is a good and healthy thing — duh, right? A thousand studies tell us that sex is good for us, but not everyone seems to have gotten the memo. We are told, over and over, that we need to have more sex and better sex and hotter sex — and yet we should also be careful not to explore too much or say too much.

You’d think we’d be over the whole madonna-whore thing by now (yawn), but just last year on Bravo’s reality show “Miss Advised,” columnist Julia Allison described the perfect dress to wear on a first date as one that says to the man, “You can take me home to your mom and I might give you a blowjob on the way there.” Ludacris jumped on the bandwagon with his less-than-original lyric “a lady in the street and a freak in the bed.” Aside from the fact that women are more interesting and more complex then these media portrayals, in both of these examples the sexual part of the women must be hidden in order for her to be seen as respectable.

Women deserve respect. Women are sexual creatures. Ergo, women’s sexuality deserves respect.

What We Can Do to Help

If we could be more open about sex at a young age and actually call a vulva a vulva and not a “private part” or — I even cringe typing this — a”vay-jay-jay,” we might all be better off. We have vaginas just like we have elbows and legs. As much as society does not want to admit it, Freud had it right when he said infants are sexual creatures too. We masturbated as children because we were curious about our bodies. As sex negativity grew, we explored less. Whether you want to find your inner Anastasia Steele/Christian Grey relationship exclusively with your spouse, or you want to enjoy some simple vanilla missionary with your whole block, I don’t think you should be judged any differently. Just keep it honest and safe.

A Slut Mission Statement

I love sluts, perverts, deviants, freaks, and geeks alike. As long as you are fucking in the name of pleasure (and consent), you are okay in my book. A pervert is someone who is not only conscious, but proud, of their sexual nature. That is already more than what a lot of people can say. If you find someone attractive and it just so happens you also like getting off, I say go for it.



Top 10 Ways to Make Oral Sex More Fun for Both Partners

March 14, 2013


Our contributor Jewely Hoxie studies Human Sexuality at the University of California Santa Cruz (read her blog here). She has some words of wisdom to share about oral sex…

Going down on someone is no easy task. And letting someone go down on you can be quite nerve-racking. Despite these potential oral sex setbacks, the experience can be awesome. Both partners deserve to enjoy the journey down south. Rather than focusing solely on techniques to please the receiver, I’m going to share some secret tips that will benefit both partners — how to improve your overall experience without having to change those special techniques that already work for you and your partner.


1. Educate Yourself

Know what the clitoris is, know what the perineum is, and know all your partner’s favorite spots. Without this knowledge, I don’t know how you’ve been going down on someone all these years. For reference: buy Em & Lo’s Sex: How To Do Everything.


2. Don’t Change What’s Already Good

We all know that moment when your partner is at the sweet spot going down on you with just the right rhythm and you have an overwhelming urge to vocally express your gratitude — but somehow that translates to faster, harder, etc. No, just no. If you’re the one going down, accept the praise and keep doing what you’re doing — don’t make your partner wish they never said anything.


3. Be Clean

This really should be common courtesy, but just as a friendly reminder: please wash your bodies and mouths thoroughly. Facial trimming helps prevent that rough sandpaper feeling against your partner’s sensitive parts. Trimming further down will make a clearer pathway — and remember, the less hair there is, the more skin there is to be touched! (That said, however, some people like playing with a little hair/having a little hair played with down there.)


4. Warn Them

A little warning before you ejaculate can build up excitement for the giver and more importantly, ease any anxiety about not knowing if you’re going to end up with sticky hair or running to spit in the sink.


5. Stock Up on Bedside Essentials

Like I said before, oral sex is no easy task. Luckily, there are a few tools I use to make my job a little easier.

  • Lubrication. I can’t say enough about how important lube is to our sex lives. Whether you’re feeling a little dry, you want to add some flavor, or you want to extend teasing foreplay, lube is your best friend. (See also My Top 6 Reasons to Love Lube and My Top 6 Favorite Lubes.)
  • Hair ties. For those of us with long locks, having a couple hair ties close by will keep your hair of out of your eyes and can also give your partner a better view of the show.
  • Tissues. Or wipes, for all around post-show clean-up.
  • A glass of water. For the inevitable dehydration/mouth drying.
  • Toys. Because a little helping hand never hurt anyone. A small vibrator for teasing, a cock ring, prostate massager, butt plug, nipple clamps, stimulating gel, mix and match, etc. Many things contribute to a good sex life, and creativity is one of them. Get inventive!


6. Try New Positions and Locations

Sure, a new tongue technique is fun to bust out, but sometimes you know what you like, and what you like works. When we masturbate we often engage in the same artistry that works best for us. Despite this seemingly monotonous routine, I still absolutely love every orgasm I have. So, instead of changing techniques for some novelty, change the position or location. Maybe do that move she loves, but while she’s on her side instead of her back. Go in an elevator, don’t press any buttons, and see how long you can go down on him before it starts moving again. Keep it interesting for both of you by switching up the routine.


7. Use Your Hands

There’s a reason Rabbit-style vibrators are the most popular toys for women — dual stimulation is where it’s at. Suck on her clitoris while you finger her. Give your partner’s tush a squeeze. And give yourself a helping hand if you don’t want to risk a deep throating gag reflex.


8. Mix in Masturbation

Be careful with this one. It can backfire if touching yourself while you are going down on your partner gets a little too distracting. However, masturbating can also get you more in the mood to please your partner, and those little moans you make can definitely be a turn on for the receiver.


9. Talk It Out

If you are familiar at all with Em & Lo’s advice, then you’ve probably heard enough about the importance of communication. And I’m here to tell you that you can never hear that enough. Pushing yourself to fully and honestly communicate with your partner is an ongoing practice in relationships. And it doesn’t stop in the bedroom.

  • Show your partner enthusiasm! The only time I don’t like going down on someone is when there is no indication of their enjoyment. What’s the point then? Show them how much you enjoy that twisting tongue, and you might wake up to your partner begging to go down on you. Flattery can get you anywhere, amiright?
  • Talk dirty. It’s great for a libido boost, an ego boost, and a hot way to tell your partner what is it you are really enjoying. Note: A critical, in depth analysis during sexy time of what they are doing wrong for you is not the biggest turn on.
  • Debrief afterwards. This is (embarrassing/geekily) one of my favorite parts about getting it on. This makes for a nice time to share what you really liked, to compliment, and to critique. If you weren’t super into something that your partner did, they deserve to know. This is really about learning how to have the best sex you can with one another. Everyone likes something different.


10. Remember the Golden Rule!

As mentioned above, thank your partner in all all the appropriately dirty ways you see fit. If you are tired after that mind-exploding orgasm they just gave you, don’t sweat it — but ensure that next time, it’s all about them.



Confession: My Top 6 Favorite Lubes

February 28, 2013

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Uberlube is for sale on Amazon

A few weeks back, our contributor Jewely Hoxie wrote a post for us titled Top 6 Reasons to Love Lube. This week, our favorite lube cheerleader is back with some specific recommendations. Jewely studies Human Sexuality at the University of California Santa Cruz; you can read her blog here.

The best embarrassing story I can tell to emphasize the importance of lubrication is the first time I gave a hand job. I kept running back and forth from the sink to the bed pouring water on my hand so the process would go more smoothly. That method involved an excessive amount of wasted energy for an orgasm. Thankfully I learned from my young sexual naivety and found myself loving lube. I will now pass on my knowledge to you. Here are the six best lubricants I know:

1. Pjur Cream Glide
This lubricant offers the best of both worlds because it is a mixture of silicone- and water-based lubricant: It is smooth and long-lasting like silicone, but there isn’t enough silicone to damage your silicone toys. On top of already being perfect, it is soft and creamy for the sensitive types.

2. Swiss Navy Passion Fruit Water-Based Lubricant
I find most flavored lubes to be awfully unappetizing, but Swiss Navy did something right with their passion fruit flavor. It doesn’t have that too sweet and sugary taste to it. I once saw Midori, sex educator and bondage expert, drink it straight from the bottle. (Even better, all their flavored lubes are paraben-free and sugar-free, which is excellent news for sensitive veegees.)

3. Yes
This lubricant has my favorite texture out of all the lubricants I’ve tried. It is clear, smooth, silky and has a very natural feel to it. Yes is also one of the least sticky and messy lubes I’ve had the pleasure of using. Lube is my best friend in the bedroom because I often need help with moisture and Yes is ultra-moisturizing and very wet. So if you are older and coping with dryness, or similar to me in basically requiring lubricant for sex, you’ll love this product.

4. Sliquid Organics Silk
This is probably the only Sliquid product worth getting. The other ones I’ve tried last less time than your 15-year-old boyfriend did when you lost your virginity to him. This is a similar concept as the Pjur Cream Glide in that it is a silicone- and water-based hybrid, but this lubricant is not as thick and creamy. The most amazing part about it is it has absolutely no taste. And for you vegan types out there: 100% Vegan/No animal testing/Organic/Natural/Hypoallergenic/Glycerine, paraben, petroleum free/etc.

5. Uberlube
For all the silicone lubricant lovers out there, this is my absolute favorite! I don’t usually explore the silicone lubricants often because I like to take my silicone toys with me where ever I go, but I’m willing to change it up for this lube. It also makes for a great hair product! Plus, the packaging is simply gorgeous.

6. Liquid Silk
This is one of the top rated lubricants out there. Super smooth and long lasting, especially for a water-based lubricant (although it does have a tiny bit of silicone in it, though not enough to make it unsafe to use with silicone toys). It has a very natural quality to it, which I find to be kind of hot (yes, thaaaat kind of natural). One warning though is that it does contain parabens, which can cause allergic reactions in some people, yikes!


Top 6 Reasons to Love Lube

February 14, 2013


photo via flickr

In addition to being a cheerleader for lube, our contributor Jewely Hoxie also studies Human Sexuality at the University of California Santa Cruz (read her blog here):

One of my favorite movie quotes of all time is from My Big Fat Greek Wedding: “My dad believed in two things: That Greeks should educate non-Greeks about being Greek, and every ailment from psoriasis to poison ivy can be cured with Windex.” This is because it kind of sums up how I feel about lubrication when it comes to sex: Lube makes it all better. And as almost any lube enthusiast will tell you, too much lube is almost enough.

1. Lube prevents cuts and pain

Lubrication is the first step in relieving pain from sex. The first time someone told me to use lubricant was when I was getting a check-up at Planned Parenthood. I had some abrasions from the night before, so they tossed me a bag full of lubricant samples. I never looked back.

2. Lube wards off over-sensitivity

Both men and women can suffer from over-sensitivity during manual sex — what was feeling awesome one minute can feel like rug burn the next minute. Lube can help you enjoy longer and more varied stimulation, which can be especially helpful for a woman’s orgasm.

3. Lube enhances sensations

I mean this in two ways: The first being actual pleasure-enhancing lubricants. Lubes that warm upon touch or cause a tingly sensation can be fun to experiment with, but remember to communicate with your partner, because some people can experience more pain (and I don’t mean good pain) than pleasure from these kind of lubes. The second way lube can enhance sensation is taste: Flavored lubricant can be a nice perk for those who prefer the scent of, say, strawberry-banana to their partner’s genitals. Just know that a lot of flavored or otherwise gimmicky lubricants contain glycerin, which can be irritating to sensitive vaginas, so be sure to reading the packaging first.

4. Lube provides variety

Water-based, silicone, warming, cooling, flavored, etc. — there’s a whole variety of lubricants to try. Each one can physically change your sexual experience. Get more adventurous.

5. Lube gives you rhythm

Any kind of penetration can be difficult when you or your partner are experiencing dryness. Silky smooth penetration makes it easier for the penetrator to keep up an even rhythm and to be able to control when to slow down and speed up. A smooth entry means you can try different positions more easily, too.

6. Spit is not enough

When getting hot and heavy, it’s common to get dehydrated, so the go-to oral sex spitting technique is not necessarily at the plenty (nor may it be the exact vibe you’re going for!). Lube offers a gliding, moisturizing feeling that can reduce the discomfort of friction. Lubricant is quite the helping hand during oral sex, especially on a man. I hate to use Sex and the City for sex ed, but Samantha’s blowjob quotation explains it well: “Teeth placement and jaw stress and suction and gag reflex. And all the while bobbing up and down, moaning, and trying to breathe through our noses. Easy? Honey, they don’t call it a ‘job’ for nothing.” (And this from a woman who actually enjoyed going down!) Basically, lubricant makes the “job” a little easier for the giver as well as more pleasurable for the receiver.

Coming next week: My Top 6 Favorite Lubricants