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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 09-15-14

September 15, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Someone will become infatuated with you this week. Of course, the dictionary defines infatuation as “a foolish, unreasoning, extravagant, and short-lived passion.” Which means that the second you show signs of reciprocating this infatuation, it will suddenly feel “foolish” to your paramour — hence the whole “short-lived” thing. So don’t fall for the wooing and the roses; this isn’t the real thing. (Hey, don’t get mad at us: It ain’t easy being the harbingers of doom.)

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Kink is relative. (We think Freud said that.) For some, all it takes to spice things up is doing it before “Game of Thrones” instead of after. Others find themselves struggling to break out of the routine of the same old purple leather thirteen-inch strap-on, day in, day out. You may never have described yourself as “kinky” before now, but your latest partner is one of those “GOT”-watchers (we mean that in the nicest way). You are Kink Master. Your partner likes being Kink Student. Make them earn some extra credit this week.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Woah, serious. Things are getting hea-vy in the relationship department, huh, Gem? Are you sure you’re ready? You do have options, you know that, right? Getting serious should feel like a step into the future, not back into a corner. And getting serious does not necessarily require three months of your hard-earned filthy lucre, no matter what the diamond industry tells you. Hey, there are starving advice columnists out there who could be saving the sex lives of Americans everywhere with money like that.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
If someone isn’t warming up to you, there may be a good reason. For instance, they may hate your guts. Instead, look for someone gullible who will fall for your sleazy charms. Now that’s what we call a match made in heaven.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Your next fortune cookie might read: “The person with a biggest mouth has the least chance of scoring.” Shut your hole so that others may get filled.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Flirting isn’t always harmless. If not administered carefully, it can shoot someone’s eye out. You may think you’re a skilled marksman: Just enough extended eye contact, not too much coyness, a double entendre here, a shoulder squeeze there. But even the best coquettes miss their targets sometimes. And then they end up with psycho stalkers looking for sweet, sweet revenge.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Are you ready for rejection? Are you dying for a dis? Hoping for a Heisman? Begging for a big fat “not if my life depended on it”? We didn’t think so. Best to keep your mouth shut and be a quiet observer for the week. For whatever reason — pet death in their family, bacne break-out, sudden email from their ex — now is not the time to make your patented “move” on that certain someone, unless you want your heart put through the blender.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Resist any temptation to talk about your past relationships with a new partner. We know, it’s hard — after all, the assholes who’ve beaten your heart into a bloody pulp have made you the cold and bitter person you are today. But stories about how you ate nothing but marshmallows for ten days straight after your ex left you for their golden retriever just aren’t sexy.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You’ll feel like Gulliver tied down by the Lilliputians this week. Break free from your chains and squash those annoying little obligations like bugs. Continue your travels. Bring extra-large protection in case you meet any giants.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
This week, you’ll suddenly develop a very handy, very hardy, thick skin. You will no longer feel the sting of rejection. Oh sure, you’ll get rejected plenty, you just won’t feel the burn. “Ha!” you will say to all your spurners. “No problem!” You will shrug. “I’ll be back!” You will counter resistance with persistence and you will win out in the end. Because it’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how long you can continue playing the game unsuccessfully before collapsing in a bawling heap of self-loathing.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
If you want to know how someone really feels about you, ask him or her outright. Don’t break into their email account, don’t fake a personal ad and try to get them to respond to you, don’t have your BFF pass them a note with check-off boxes about whether or not they’d go steady with you. No, communication (which may or may not mean confrontation) is the best way to know where you stand. Because you have to know where you stand before you can move forward. For instance, if you figure out you’re standing at the end of a plank over a pool of sharks who lust the blood of a broken heart, only then will you realize in which single direction you can move.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Don’t make any promises you don’t think you can keep. Because we know you and we know you won’t keep them. And then we’ll have to distance ourselves from you, because we can’t be seen with promise-breakers — it’s bad for our reputation.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 09-08-14

September 8, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
No matter how many new shirts you buy, how many manicures you get, how much money you throw around, or how much affection you offer, your attempts to impress will be moot. People will see through you like a thinly sliced sliver of ginger. Of course, they won’t say no to the affection. But their lack of reciprocation will burn worse than wasabi on your tender, pink parts.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You don’t have to commit to the first person who comes along. Wait until they’ve all walked by and then pick the hottest one. Did we say hottest? We meant “most compatible, most respectful of your life goals, most likely to join the Peace Corps, and most likely to get on well with your parents.”

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
The stars really surprised us this week, with quite the unexpected, rash, go-get-’em-tiger guidance for Taurus. So here it is, in its original, unabridged form: “You need to get laid.” Oh you saucy stars!

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
As Roy Orbison sang, “Anything you want, you got it.” Pursue your sexual fantasy this week; it can only strengthen your relationship. Unless you’re not in a relationship and your sexual fantasy involves your best friend’s grandparents, in which case you might want to stay home and live vicariously through old Orbison LPs.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You’re pretty damn convincing when you use your head. And no, we don’t mean that special head-butt maneuver you learned from Pogba (though that has been “convincing” in the past). You’re going to have to think outside the box this week to get your partner to see things your way. We’re talking seriously out of the box. Like, Transformers-style. “Robots in disguise! More than meets the eye!” Be the robot.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Just because you’re in their bedroom wearing nothing but a dog leash doesn’t mean you should go wherever they lead you. Wait a minute, what are you doing in their bedroom wearing nothing but a dog leash?! This week, the stars tell us that someone you least suspect may try to lead you in the wrong direction. So, you know, you might not want to be wearing a dog leash — it will only make things easier for them.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Talk is cheap when it comes to lust this week. But you’re not always particularly good at expressing yourself anyway — so consider yourself off the hook! Do unto others as you would have done to yourself . . . with your tongue.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
We know that we’re always encouraging you to “explore your fantasies” and “talk to your partner” and “communicate your dirty little fetish.” And we always say, “How will they know what you want if you don’t tell them,” or, “You don’t know they’ll say no until you ask.” This week, you can scratch all that: for the next seven days, it’s gonna be vanilla ice cream or no ice cream, if you know what we mean.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Apparently you  should be all lovey-dovey with your sig oth this week, according to the stars. The stars are so insensitive sometimes, aren’t they? (Not to mention obvious.) What if you don’t have someone to love right now? Like you needed one more reminder that this week would be a particularly nice time to be all loved up. Pshaw! We say, drink beer, eat ice cream, and download Shirley Valentine.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Don’t hide your light under a bushel this week. Hmm, sounds kinda dirty. We mean: Don’t hide all your jiggly bits under baggy clothing. Just kidding, they’re not that jiggly. Let’s try again: Think of the one thing you’re most shy about (voicing your opinions, changing your hair color, changing your mind, changing your underwear) and make an effort to not be shy about that anymore. Feel free to give your reflection in the mirror rousing words of encouragement each morning.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Don’t just settle for someone because you are lonely and need oral sex. The person offering the oral sex may be wrong for you, or not very good at it, or worse, really dig you for more than just your genitals. If you can rule out the third case, then you have our permission to go for it. But don’t come crying to us when you can’t climax because it was the second case.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Don’t be a tease if you’re not prepared to follow through; that hottie will make a fine friend, but a nasty enemy. Fatal Attraction, anyone?

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Your Weekly Stars: 09-02-14

September 2, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
May we suggest you channel your need to take control into sexual (rather than emotional) endeavors? Every time you feel the need to give your partner career advice, break out the handcuffs instead — and if you’re tempted to tell your sweetie how to handle their mother, grab the riding crop instead. (With their permission, of course. “Em and Lo said we should” is one way to broach the subject.)

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Sex is like chess. Actually, sex is nothing like chess. If you think sex is like chess then you’ve been playing too much chess. But relationships — now there’s something that requires as much patience, forethought, and stamina as chess. If you want to check your mate, play wisely.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You’ll surprise a new partner with your witty words and humorous outlook. We’re not suggesting you break out the fake dog doo-doo, rubber snakes, or sneezing powder in bed. Just be sure not to take yourself too seriously, ’cause you’ll need a sense of humor when you make a Whoopie Cushion sound without a Whoopie Cushion the next time you have sex.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Life is like a box of chocolates — you want to sample as many as possible without getting sick or fat. Indulge your desire to sample this week, but beware of biting off more than you can chew. Who knows, you might find your very own Snickers, something that satisfies for a lifetime. Or at least a few months.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Love and money will go hand in hand this week. Of course, you should never rule out spending time with someone who interests you intellectually. But this week, we think you’re going to find yourself in the fortunate position of not having to answer the following question: Was it love, or was it the Kanye-Kardashian-esque jet plane to Paris for a private eight-course candle-lit dinner at the top of the Eiffel Tower?

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
See that big juicy steak over there? Can you smell the french fries? And, mmm, mmm, mmm, those caramelized onions drizzled over it all are almost too much to bear. So anyway, that steak’s for us, you’re eating leftovers. We bet those leftovers would have tasted pretty good if you hadn’t started to fantasize about our steak, huh?

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
This week, go to your local sex shop and pick up something you’ve never tried before — or never would have even thought of trying: high-quality vibrator with multiple extensions, strap-on with studs, gimp-style ball-gag, edible underwear (on second thought, those things taste terrible), anal beads that jingle, etc. Then run home and convince your partner to play along — gently, gently.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
We know that this summer was long and slow and dry for most of you Scorps out there (at least, it has been for those few Scorps who wrote in and tried to blame it on bad horoscoping). But things are about to change! The stars have decided to take it easy on you. Way easy. In fact, the toughest decision you’ll face this week is who most deserves to be dazzled with your charm and sprinkled with your body glitter. Wish we were there — send us a postcard!

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
If Hollywood were high school (wait, you mean Hollywood isn’t one big high school?), then George Clooney would be prom king and homecoming king and class president and captain of the soccer team, too. And try as you might, you just wouldn’t be able to dislike him, because he’d be so nice to all the geeks, even you. Except you don’t live in Hollywood so you don’t have to be the geek, you get to be George Clooney! Yeah, that’s what we meant to say: If your life were Hollywood, then you’d be the impossible-to-resist George Clooney this week. And you didn’t even have to date Renee Zellweger or star in 1988′s Return of the Killer Tomatoes: The Sequel to be that way.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
We’re all made of the same stuff. Atomic particles are passing by and through us all the time, from decades ago. This week, some of the particles that once made up Madonna have found their way to your clump of anatomy. Ride the wave…like a virgin!

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Secret affairs will lead to disaster if you don’t control the situation. Shakespeare wasn’t making this shit up, you know.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
If ever there were a time to admit to your ultimate fantasy (you know, the one about being a monk in a medieval monastery who gets ravaged by the brethren) as a way to solidify your relationship, then this week is it!

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Your Weekly Stars: 08-25-14

August 25, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect):

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
We all have our fantasies of becoming the people we want to be — by working out like Emily Blunt in Edge of Tomorrow, wearing only the hippest rags from obscure Japanese designers, reading classics like Anna Karenina, volunteering at the local home for orphaned supermodels — all in the hopes of getting laid by Mr./Ms. Right. But you can’t pretend to be someone you’re not. So just be yourself. Unless, of course, “being yourself” involves breaking any kind of law or mixing plaid with stripes.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
This week, you will be prone to saying things that hurt your partner’s feelings. Let them know how much you care by going parking with all the local teenagers — make out until the windows get all steamy and/or the cops show up.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Don’t take on more than you can handle when it comes to love. You may feel like a John Deere, but your relationship hasn’t reached farm-truck status yet. If you try to take on too much cargo you’ll end up with a flat tire, three hundred miles from the nearest tow-truck. And wouldn’t that suck?

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
The stars tell us that you’ll find yourself “in a difficult situation” if you start schtupping a married friend. No kidding. But apparently you need a little reminder this week not to go parking your minivan in someone else’s parking spot.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Being high maintenance may have looked cute on Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally, but on you, it just clashes with your hair and makes your butt look big.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Shut up and do us, cowboy. Uh, we mean, do whoever it is that you’re doing these days. The only talk we want to hear from you is pillow talk.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Sometimes (okay, almost all times) honesty is the best policy. Take Jennifer Lawrence talking to Vanity Fair about her career: “Not to sound rude, but [acting] is stupid. Everybody’s like, ‘How can you remain with a level head?’ And I’m like, ‘Why would I ever get cocky? I’m not saving anybody’s life. There are doctors who save lives and firemen who run into burning buildings. I’m making movies. It’s stupid.’” Take a tip from JLaw this week and say how you really feel.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Easy there, Tiger! Woah, Nelly! Hang on, Sloopy. You know how dogs are all cute and funny until they start humping your leg? Take a cold shower, you dirty leg-humper, you.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
These transportation metaphors are getting flat . . . like a tire! Okay, Sag, we’ll spare you any more locomotion similes (see your friends Capricorn, Pisces, and Aquarius) and get straight to the point: Your reputation is hanging in the balance. Don’t do anything — or anyone — stupid this week.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Things are not likely to go your way in the romance department this week. If love is a battleship and sex is a fast car and going on a date is a bicycle — well, let’s just say you should be walking everywhere for the next few days.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Public transportation is often cheap, dirty and boring. Sex with strangers is often the same way. Travel in (and with) style this week — hell, this year.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
This week, you’ll have to grease the wheels, rev up the engine, and kick it into high gear to get the affection you crave. You may even want to splurge on super unleaded gas and an E-Z Pass. Who knows, you may end up getting lucky in the back seat.

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Your Weekly Stars: 08-18-14 (Grease Week)

August 18, 2014

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photo via Flickr

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
There are two schools of thought when it comes to the school dance: Cling to the wall until you spy the perfect Astaire to your Rogers, or get on the dance floor asap and shake your thang while you wait. Remember the dance-off scene in Grease? Yeah, Sandy didn’t go home with Danny that night, did she? Nope, he hooked up with the bad girl (who, hello, looked about thirty-five!) from the next town over who was dirty dancing right next to them with his best friend.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Don’t be too quick to make excuses for your partner. As Frenchy advised a lovelorn Sandy, men can be dogs (women, too). Worse than that, fleas on dogs. Worse than that, amoebas on fleas on dogs, so lowly even the dogs won’t bite them. Have a quiet one this week and enjoy some nights in with the gang.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You’ve got chills, they’re multiplying. And you’re losing control. ‘Cause the power s/he’s supplying, it’s electrifying. Go with the electric flow this week —- let someone know that they’re the one that you want. Ooh, ooh, ooh. Honey.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Don’t take a Scorpion (not to be confused with a Scorpio) to the high school dance just because your original date fell through. Scorpions may have hot cars, but most of them are ugly and pockmarked on the inside. Stay on your own turf.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Talking can be so futile, which is why all the characters in Grease spend so much time singing and dancing. No one’s ever made a soundtrack of the inane dialogue in that flick for a reason. Come up with your own musical number this week —- make it catchy and flashy, play out to the rafters, do the hand jive, etc.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Back down a little. Your aggressive nature is likely to get you into trouble this week. Let your partner set the standards for a change. Otherwise, you might find yourself stranded at the drive-in, branded a fool. And then what will they say, Monday at school?

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
So, you’re hopelessly devoted, eh? Don’t wallow in your crush while wearing a flowery nightgown and writing sappy love letters that you’ll never send. Instead, be like Rizzo and shimmy down the drainpipe to get your kicks while you’re still young enough to get them.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
When everyone is whining about what a hunk of junk Kenickie’s new automotive purchase is, Danny convinces the crew —- with pelvic thrusts and dirty talk -— that the car could be systematic, automatic, and hydromatic (whatever the hell that means). Use your powers of persuasion this week to get people interested in your own greased lightnin’.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
There are worse things you could do, than go with a boy or two. Sure, but there are better things, too —- like using your brain for a change.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
We know it’s tempting to suggest your partner try a Sandy makeover (the nights you’ve spent wishing they’d show up with big hair and rip your cardigan right off). But this week, try to remember that he or she is not your Barbie or Ken to play dress-up with —- do your best to enjoy them just the way they are. Dorky bangs and all.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
It’s a bomb to Kenickie’s delicate ego when Rizzo tells him her potential pregnancy is “somebody else’s mistake.” If you don’t treat your own partner with more sensitivity than that, you risk ruining your happy ending at the graduation carnival.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Your actions will be all it will take to win your lover’s affection. So either letter in track like Danny Zuko, or become a black spandex-wearing slut like Sandy Olsson.

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Your Weekly Stars: 08-11-14

August 11, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
For all you Aries out there who aren’t in a long-term relationship, but want to be (even if you don’t want to be, you have no choice): You will meet someone who will factor into the equation for quite a while if you attend organized events that interest you: jazz concerts in smoky dives, book readings at local bookstores, volunteer house-building for the less fortunate, industry conferences at Howard Johnsons, “Latin Groove” classes at fitness clubs, etc. Don’t say no to things to do this week, or you risk inadvertently saying no to people to do for weeks to come.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Opportunity knocks this week when it comes to love. Open the door quickly and screw the living daylights out of it.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
The stars say to play hard-to-get this week. Hey, we don’t condone playing head games with your partners; in fact, we think honesty is always the best policy. But what do we know? We’re nothing but insignificant pawns in the universe’s game of astrological checkers. So maybe you should cool it off a bit this week and stop being so aggressive. That’s the message and we’re delivering it. (If it doesn’t work out, don’t blame us. Blame heaven.)

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
We’re not familiar with your boss’s stance on vacation days, but we suggest taking a Libido Day sometime soon. ‘Cause you’re just too damned sexy (and sexed up) to get any work done! Besides, your colleagues are starting to get a little grossed out by the way you rub up against the water cooler. As long as you remember to incorporate a little romance into your approach, you should find your needs satisfied this week. And if not, at least the water cooler won’t hurt your feelings or break your heart.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Even a broken clock is right twice a day, and even the most grotesque fashion trend (high-waisted, flat-bottomed mom jeans, anyone?) is groovy every few decades. And even you, our friend, will have days when you sizzle more than a side of bacon in boiling fat. This week, take advantage of all the heat and energy and good bacon smell to turn that special someone into your own little piggy.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Stories about your old flame are like dreams and vacation photos — no one wants to hear about yours unless they’re in them. Especially not your current partner. It’s time to close the ex-files for good.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Sometimes looking back to find your future and giving love (and old lovers) a second chance works. Sometimes living in the past just keeps you from moving ahead. It depends on the movie. The first would be something like Grosse Point Blank, while the second would be our old stand by, Swingers. This week, you’re in Swingers. (And yes, we sometimes miss the nineties. Is that so wrong?)

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You can have it all if you follow your heart and let your charismatic personality take over; you should have nothing to worry about and you’ll be hard to resist. Of course, if your heart has no sense of direction and you have the personality of a lima bean, you still might find yourself alone and utterly resistible.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Things that you can slow down: the way you eat, the way you drive, the way you talk, the way you jump to conclusions. Things you can’t slow down: public transportation, the way you pee, Pete Sampras’s serve, the pace of your love life. You’re going to have to make decisions faster than a center court player if you don’t want to end up a big fat loser, uh, runner-up.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You’ve got a secret horoscope this week. In order to decode this very important message, you’ve got to crack the code. Hint: take one step back and two steps forward.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
All talk and no action will lead to confrontation with the one you love. So will all action and no talk. Be sure to practice what you preach and preach what you practice or lose the one you love. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Love will unfold in the strangest ways this week. Kind of like origami.

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Your Weekly Stars: 08-04-14

August 4, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Does anyone ever enjoy listening to someone else’s cry for attention? That’s one rhetorical question to grow on this week.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Well, if you were looking for an excuse to avoid any decision-making this week, here it is: according to the stars, this is not the time to get your lover to do things your way. Better to play the submissive role. Whether that includes gimp masks and big man-diapers is up to you. Actually, that’s up to your master.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Chill out, dude. You’re scaring us.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You know those people who seem oh-so-casual and relaxed about hooking up and hanging out with you, so much so that they’re willing to go along with just about anything without much fuss? Chances are they aren’t casual and relaxed at all, but rather enamored and whipped! When you’re not that interested, it’s easy to underestimate how interested others actually are in you. One person’s meaningless fling is another person’s beginning of a beautiful relationship. Make sure the people in your immediate sexual circle all say “tomato” the same way, lest you have to call the whole thing off.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
This week, you’ll have to apply a skillful technique in order to get your partner to agree with you. And no, we don’t mean oral sex. Okay, maybe we do.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Remember that scene in Naked Gun where Leslie Nielson says, “Everywhere I look, I see reminders of her” — and then the camera pans to two massive concrete bunkers that look like boobies, right next to a sky scraping phallus? That’s what you’ve got to look forward to this week. But don’t go humping cold, hard, unfeeling concrete structures just to scratch that itch: Warm human flesh may be easier to come by than you think. You just gotta ask. (Just don’t ask them to come over and watch Naked Gun on DVD.)

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You will meet someone who will bring out the best in you. You will become best friends very quickly. This person will be generous and giving and smart and funny and you will experience mutual respect and appreciation. This person will be hotter than asphalt in August, but — alas — will find you “cute,” “cuddly,” “the best drinking buddy ever,” and “just not my type, sorry.”

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
There’s a reason they call it sexual tension. Your current relationship (or “situation,” if you prefer) is like a tautly stretched rubber band: One flick in the wrong place and you’re gonna get a latex smack in the face. But maybe you like it like that.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
There’s a fine line between a soulmate and a stalker. Make sure that the person who knows so much about you is using that knowledge for the greater good. If they suddenly bring you flowers, that’s a soulmate. If they suddenly know the names, phone numbers, and favorite sexual positions of all your exes, that’s stalking.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You will make a strong romantic connection this week. You will feel helpless against this powerful attraction. You will feel in tune with this person’s every thought. You are getting very sleepy. Your eyelids are feeling very heavy. You are drifting off. You are dozing . . . zzzzzz. When you wake up, on the count of three, you will do everything this horoscope tells you to do. You will tell all your friends to read their horoscope here, and only here, every week. You will send us nice gifts when your horoscope is a sunny one. You will not blame us when it is a cloudy one. One . . . two . . . three!

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You will be unusually stimulated by someone you meet this week — and we don’t mean like with a spatula or an egg beater or anything. No, an intense emotional compulsive attraction will make it difficult for you to resist one particular hotcake. Unfortunately, this flapjack is buttered on the jealous side.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Adoring fans are all well and good while they keep their distance, but they can be kind of annoying up close and personal. Beware of shagging any groupies — you never know which of your dirty secrets may show up on a blog a week later. (That thing with the teddy bear? Yeah, you know what we’re talking about.)

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Your Weekly Stars: 07-28-14

July 28, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Danger ahead. Proceed with caution. Go slow. Watch for sharp turns in the road. Get AAA for your genitals.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Taking risks is only admirable when the results are positive. Wow, it’s really brave to jump out of a plane so you can tell all your friends what it feels like to soar with the birds; it’s utterly stupid when the chute doesn’t open. It’s wildly romantic to marry someone you met ten days ago in Vegas; it’s idiotic when they turn out to be emotionally unstable psychos you have to divorce within six months. It’s courageous to quit your high-paying day-job to pursue your dreams and become a professional karaoke artist touring the karaoke contest circuit . . . No, that’s stoopid whether it works out or not. The point is, just like battles, you’ve got to choose your risks carefully too. Especially this week. Otherwise, putting your heart on the line might result in it getting run over.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Love is likely to develop in the strangest ways this week. Kind of like when people used to pick up the wrong roll of film from the photo lab and discover exactly what their next-door neighbor liked to do with his . . . . Except, with love, it’s a nice surprise, and we don’t call it “gross,” we call it “serendipity.”

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You know how some weeks you feel like you could pull off the Kama Sutra’s “Feeding the Peacock” and “Riding the Elephant” before breakfast? And other weeks you need twenty minutes of pre-sex stretching just to get near the missionary position? Well, this week you’re going to be a veritable vertical 69-ing, reverse-butterfly-kissing sexpert. And that twenty minutes of stretching? An especially good idea.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
At some point this week, you may suddenly find yourself singing, “I can’t fight this feeling anymore. ” We have our fingers crossed for you that this urge strikes you in the shower, but we can’t make any promises. You shouldn’t, though. Fight this feeling, that is. Tell the world (and one person in particular) exactly how you feel — in song and dance, if need be.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Practice quid pro quo in the bedroom this week — if you want snuggles, then snuggle first; if you want oral sex, be the first to head south; if you want to splosh, pay for the groceries. Sexual karma is a boomerang.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
We don’t have many golden rules (and we often break them if the stars are insistent enough) but we have yet to meet anyone who was successfully set up on a blind date by a member of their family. Have you? Remember the sweater your aunt gave you on your birthday — you want that person picking out a partner for you? We thought not. A family member may try to coerce you into giving love a chance this week (and no, we don’t mean in any incestuous way, sickos); tell them (very nicely) that you’re all set for now.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
If we weren’t such generous, kind, selfless people, we’d say, “Stop polluting the dating pool!” Your charm is raising the bar so high the rest of us just can’t compete. Fortunately, it makes us happy when you get laid.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Your heart is a muscle, and for argument’s sake, let’s pretend your genitals are too. If you exercise them properly, they’ll become stronger. And everyone knows exercise is an endorphin inducer, an antidepressant and a sexiness promoter. This week, it’s time to get physical, like in that Olivia Newton John video, sans the leg warmers.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Take it easy. The more you push someone into an intimate situation the more he or she will be reluctant, slap you in the face or press charges. Didn’t you ever hear that story when you were a kid about the contest between the Wind and the Sun to see who could get the man’s jacket off, and the Wind was all cocky and macho, boasting about his power and strength like a fraternity date rapist, and the Sun was super laid back with a big smile on his face like he had just smoked a big fatty, and the Wind got all up in the man’s face trying to force it off which only made the man button up his jacket tighter while the Sun just sat back and shined and shined and quickly got the man to happily take his jacket off? If it had been an “adult” book, the Sun could have just kept shining, getting the man so hot and bothered that he had to unbutton his shirt, then pull down his pants, and then, aw yeah, slowly, oh so slowly, take off his tight, white Calvin Kleins to reveal his . . . Anyway, you get the picture.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Maybe you don’t buy all that stuff about how arm-crossing is a sign of defensiveness, avoiding eye contact is a sign of evasiveness and a slap in the face is a sign of slight perturbance. But you really ought to give lip-licking a try this week. Sensual body language will only work in your favor. So the next time you’re in the presence of someone you fancy, stroke the stem of your wine glass, playfully touch their forearm as you laugh at their jokes, hold that stare a little longer. Just stop short of drooling and sticking your tongue in their ear.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
It’s in the bag, baby. Just say the word, and everything your heart desires will be yours. At least, romantically speaking. When it comes to career success, financial stability and spiritual tranquility, you’ll actually have to get off your ass and work for a change.

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Your Weekly Stars: 07-21-14

July 20, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Keep yourself busy this week. And we don’t mean by re-organizing your sock drawer or checking out your Netflix Suggested Viewing. Go out on the town, wine, dine, take in the sights, absorb some local culture, flirt, shake your groove thang, sing karaoke, make out in dark corners. You’re much hotter when you’re cooking something up than when you just order in.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You’ll just want to cozy up with your hon and a home-cooked meal, maybe a couple of DVDs. You’ll feel like staying at home, kicking back and knockin’ some boots. Or maybe you’ll be up for a weekend getaway, just the two of you. Fuggetaboudit. Your hon isn’t going to be on the same page this week.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Don’t lie this week. Just be honest. It truly is the best policy (except when faced with questions like “Do I look fat?” or “Is my penis too small?”).

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
They’re called standards. Get some this week.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
“[We] know something about love: you gotta take it and show him what the world is made of — one kiss will prove it. If you want him to be always by your side, take his hand tonight, swallow your foolish pride and tell him that you’re never gonna leave him, tell him that you’re always gonna love him, tell him, tell him, tell him, tell him right now.”*

*If necessary, feel free to replace the words “him” with “her” and “love” with “sex.”

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
When you have a hot date, you shave, maybe buy a new shirt, put on your best underwear, clean your apartment . . . just in case. But admit it: it’s a bit of a ruse. Most of your underwear is worn and torn, and stubble is a way of life for you. We’re not suggesting you shouldn’t bother showering before you go out, just make sure you’re not pretending to be someone you’re not for the sake of impressing another this week.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Isn’t it always the way? You fall hard for someone and they’re emotionally unavailable. Someone digs your scene and you couldn’t care less. The imbalance of romantic power — or “hand,” as George Castanza said: seriously, did you know he, like, invented the concept?! — has got to be one of Murphy’s Laws. This week, you’ll have mad hand. Just be sure you don’t rip out someone’s heart with it.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Take that special someone to the boardwalk this week. Take a day off work if you have to. Ride the ferris wheel, slip down the water slide, eat chocolate-covered, frozen bananas on a stick. There’s nothing like getting sand in your pants to bring two people closer together.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Don’t go swimming too soon after you’ve had a feast of the eyes.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Do the Wonder Twins stand around discussing what they’re going to do and how they’re feeling about each and every situation? No. They pick a form and they commit to it. They act. This week, let your Wonder Twin powers activate!

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Don’t be surprised if any of the following somehow creep up in conversation this week: “If you won’t marry me, I’ll go gay”; “If you leave, I’ll shave my cat”; “If we can’t have sex every day, I’ll bonk our mail carrier”; “If you don’t start using deodorant, I’ll vote Republican. ” Don’t get bullied by ultimatums — giving into them doesn’t help anyone. Except the Republicans. And the mail carrier.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Jealous feelings are about as reliable as a used car dealer. You’d research a second-hand car before plonking down your three hundred bucks, right? So, before you let the green monster out of the cage, do a little research first. Chances are, you just don’t have all the facts regarding a certain someone you are rather fond of. And if you’re right, hell, unleash the ugly beast.

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Your Weekly Stars: 07-14-14

July 14, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Anxiety is about as sexy as spinach in your teeth, bad breath, and a root canal. (Don’t even try to figure out what all the mouth imagery means. ) If you want to get laid anytime soon, do whatever it takes to remove the sources of anxiety from your life. At least, do whatever’s legal.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
So, it’s the middle of July and you haven’t been laid in how long? You’re overthinking everything, that’s your problem. This is not rocket science (just look at all the idiots out there getting laid on a daily basis); this is summer-fling sex. And you, our friend, are not getting any — or at least not as much as you should. Shut down your brain and let a few other organs lead the way this week.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
We didn’t do so well in Economics 101, but you don’t have to be Warren Buffett to understand the concept of supply and demand. Lately, you’ve been flooding the market with what you’ve got to offer, and consequently, consumer demand has plummeted. Make yourself scarce for a week and demand is sure to rise.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Look, you can’t get something for nothing. If you want to receive, then you’ve got to give. Enough with the mysterious act. Stop playing it safe. Don’t be afraid. Just dress up as a goat in heat like your partner has been requesting, and then you’ll get all the nookie you’ve been aching for.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
If sex is a tall glass of water, then you’re probably feeling like an Arab on sabbatical in the Sahara these days. But try to resist drinking from the first pond you stumble upon — it’s likely just a mirage. Make like a camel and rely on your own resources for satiation. You’ll reach the blue lagoon soon enough.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
The trouble with ultimatums is that sometimes your bluff is called. So when you tell your partner, “Either I go or the monkey in diapers goes,” be sure you’ve got your bags packed, just in case.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Oh, you so horny. Oh, oh, you so horny. Oh, you so horny. You love s/he long time.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
No means no, especially when you ask your partner if they’d mind donning a Stetson and yelling, “Ride me cowboy!” during sex. Sure, you could always lasso them in and force them to play along, but in the long run you’ll be riding without a pardner. Remember, the midnight cowboy rides alone.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You’ve got your head up your ass. Ask a good friend for directions about your love life. Better yet, ask them how to get your head out of your ass.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
What is it about the V.I.P. room? Okay, so maybe it’s the free champagne, the half-dressed hotties, and the heavy dose of exclusivity (the ultimate aphrodisiac). Plus — oooh look, there’s Justin Bieber! This week, you’ll have no problem talking your way into the V.I.P. booty room — but are you sure you’re ready to follow through? Don’t waste your time (and your tightly rolled fifty-dollar bills) sweet-talking your way into something (or someone) if you’d rather be home playing board games. (Don’t deny it, we know how hot Scrabble gets you.)

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
This week, push won’t come to shove; push will come to your sorry ass alone and depressed in an empty apartment with no one to screw. Keep your hands to yourself for a while.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
This week the stars and planets said, “Don’t get involved with someone for the wrong reasons.” Duh. Like there’s ever a good time to get involved with someone for the wrong reasons. We’re giving the stars the benefit of the doubt and assuming they meant to suggest that this week you’re particularly prone to getting involved with someone for the wrong reasons, whatever those wrong reasons may be (clinical depression, financial gain, sexual desperation). But hey, acknowledging the problem is half the battle.

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