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Your Annie Horoscopes: 12-15-14

December 15, 2014

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Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes. This week, we take inspiration from the big holiday movie this season: a remake of the 1982 classic Annie. We have yet to see the new version — though we have high hopes, except for Cameron Diaz as Miss Hannigan — so all the horoscopes below come from the beloved 1982 version of the film.

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Daddy Warbucks: Wait! There’s something interesting in that woman’s smile. I might learn to like her. Hang her in my bathroom.

Translation: Give someone a second chance to make a first impression this week.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Grace: You love money and power and capitalism? You know they’re never going to love you back.

Translation: Love and power and capitalism will never love you back.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Annie: The sun’ll come out, tomorrow, so you gotta hang on till tomorrow. Come what may. Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow. You’re only a day away.

Translation: Have you heard of Tinder, by any chance? Keep swiping, baby!

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Daddy Warbucks: Your teeth are crooked.
Grace: I’ll get them fixed.
Daddy Warbucks: I like them crooked.
Grace: I’ll leave ‘em.

Translation: Don’t go changing, because you’ll eventually find someone who loves you just the way you are.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Annie: I didn’t want to be just another orphan, Mr. Warbucks. I wanted to believe I was special.
Daddy Warbucks: You are special! Never stop believing that!

Translation: Don’t let the cheating bastards get you down.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Miss Hannigan: What are you just standing around here for? You’re supposed to clean the bathroom and the kitchen before lunch, my little pig droppings, and if you skip the corners, there will be no lunch.

Translation: Trying to find the love of your life can sometimes feel like a full-time job with no pay. But the effort will pay off soon.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Orphans: It’s the hard knock life for us / Steada treated… we get tricked! / Steada kisses… we get kicked! / It’s the hard knock life!

Translation: When your Tinder date kicks you in the heart instead of kissing you on the lips, remember that life is a song if you know how to sing it. Aka The worst dates make the best stories. And, hey, it could be worse: You could be an orphan during the Depression, too.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Miss Hannigan: Some women are drippin’ with diamonds / Some women are drippin’ with pearls / Lucky me, lucky me, look at what I’m drippin’ with / Little girls!

Translation: If you hang out with only losers, you’ll end up dating losers, and if you date only losers, you might marry one. Change your scene before it’s too late and you end up drinking alone in your bathtub.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Annie: I don’t need sunshine now to turn my skies to blue. I don’t need anything but you.

Translation: Lucky you, you’ve found someone to cuddle with during this long, cold winter season. Make sure you don’t accidentally screw things up after a couple of eggnogs at the holiday party!

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Annie: Girls are easier to get used to than boys.

Translation: If you’re struggling to find the perfect match for you, maybe the problem isn’t in the people you’re meeting, but in your search criteria. Perhaps you don’t even know what your perfect match looks like. Consider widening your search and be open to surprises.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Grace: How would you like to spend a week with Mr. Warbucks at his house?

Translation: Be prepared to be swept off your feet. And also: Feel free to use the term “Daddy Warbucks” during dirty talk this week.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Annie: When my folks left me at the orphanage ten years ago, they left a note saying they’d come back to get me as soon as they could, and they kept the other half of this old locket so I’d know them when they came.

Translation: People lie! People break promises! People don’t always mean what they say. Especially in the pursuit of sex. People disappear, people stop calling, people Tinder under the table during first dates. People can be assholes. Move on, little lamb, before you get hurt anymore.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: The Road Sign Edition

December 8, 2014

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The craziest road sign we’ve ever seen was in San Diego: the black silhouettes of two adults running for their lives, dragging a youngster behind them, all on a yellow, rectangular background. You don’t get many of those in the Northeast. It struck us how effective road signs are: succinct, powerful, instructional, universal, and sometimes entertaining even if you don’t quite understand them (frost heaves, anyone?). And because we occasionally like to whittle your horoscope down to its purist form — behold, The Road Signs.

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
HOV Only

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Falling Rocks Ahead

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Caution: Water On Road During Rain
(That’s a real one, believe it or not: if you think about it, it’s profound in its obviousness.)

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Last Exit Before Toll

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Be Prepared To Stop

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Recreational Area Turnoff

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Stop When Children In Crosswalk

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Divided Highway Begins

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Merge

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
No Stopping Inmates Working

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Lane Ends Merge Left

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Push Button For Green Light

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 12-01-14

December 1, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Sometimes it’s not about who has the best lines or the firmest butt or the biggest bank account. Sometimes it’s simply a matter of stamina — who stays the longest and the latest. This week, your Energizer Bunny-like persistence will work in your favor.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You will be loud, obnoxious and a little erratic this week — but somehow, this will only add to your charm. (We never said any of this astrology stuff had to make sense.)

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
God, your hair is perfect. Your teeth? Like a friggin’ Crest White Strips commercial. When you walk into a room, everyone turns and stares, mistaking you for a celebrity. You’ve even got an entourage that’s just one hanger-on short of a harem. Well, you better enjoy it while it lasts, because someone’s going to expose you for the charlatan you are. And when they finally tell everyone about the time they caught you naked with the Jell-O mold, then where will you be, huh?

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
It’s not paranoia if they’re really talking about you. And do you really think your partner would be planning a surprise birthday party for you six months in advance? Are you sure that’s the explanation for the late-night hushed phone conversations, the unexplained hang-ups after midnight, and their sudden need for a pint of ice cream from the deli at two a. m.? Wise up, sucker.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Your mother would like you to know that she thinks it’s about time you thought about settling down. The stars agree.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Think about what you are doing. Or maybe just think about who you are doing. Is he or she really right for you? Just like forest green makes you look washed out, that lame-o bimbo/himbo you picked up at the conference in Tulsa makes your ass look fat. Pick partners that bring out the color in your eyes, bring out the best in you, and most importantly bring out the trash. For reals, the people you’ve been dating lately simply are the trash.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Your easygoing nature will attract romantic interests this week. But then your need to spill your guts will send them away screaming.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Yeah, you’re a freak. But that’s O-Kay. Who wants to be like everybody else? Predictable is boring. If someone doesn’t understand your borderline-sexual obsession with dolls, or your job at the morgue, or your collection of antique speculums, well then, they probably aren’t good enough for you anyway.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
A long time ago in a galaxy far far away, before Netflix and Hulu and Amazon on demand, there were these things called “video stores.” And if you went to the video store in the mood for a real tear-jerker, you didn’t hang around the sci-fi section hoping someone would have accidentally filed a Meg Ryan flick there. And if only Mystic Pizza would do (like we said, this was a looooong time ago), and the store was one of those asinine, film-snobby places that filed everything (even the schlock) according to director, then you didn’t just stand there looking lost until one of the clerks took you by the hand and led you to Julia. No, you went after what you wanted, and if you couldn’t find it, you asked the video store clerk, no matter how much of a stuck-up, condescending, filmmaker-wannabe he or she was. Take a tip from the good ol’ days and act this way in your love life. Jeez, if it was worth doing for a five-day rental, surely it’s also worth doing for the potential love of a lifetime, or even just for a five-minute lunchtime quickie.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
This week, you’re going to be moodier than a goth teen who’s grounded on the only night the Cure is in town. This is mostly a result of you being confused regarding your feelings toward a certain someone. Of course, in typical moody-teen fashion, you will take out your bad mood on this same “someone.” Dude, we’d ground you, too.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
The stars suggest that you “Start the week off by letting potential partners come to you. By the end of the week you should be in a position to make your choice and make your move on whomever you feel is the right lover for you.” Which sounds to us like a 168-hour orgy. But then again, we once yelled out “giant poo stacks!” when driving past the dark brown hills surrounding Phoenix, Arizona. Assuming you’re a tad more mature than that, enjoy taking the high road, with your well-chosen lover by your side. And we’ll take the dirt road, heh heh.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
This week, plead the fifth when you can and you’ll get the sex. Say the wrong thing and it’s all over but for the crying. Chances are, if you do open your mouth, you’ll say the wrong thing. So like we said, plead the fifth.

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Your Thanksgiving Horoscopes: 11-24-14

November 24, 2014

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photo by thestarmama

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You don’t have to take drastic, Jackass-like measures in order to get attention, like sticking your head up the butt of an entire uncooked turkey just for laughs. Instead, let your sensitive side shine through. Make friends with the turkey.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You can have it all if you follow the savory smells of sex and unbuckle your pants to make room. This bounty is yours to devour.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Say what’s on your mind. If you’re a vegetarian, don’t eat the meat just to be polite. Because then you might throw up, and that’s not polite either.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You’ll be full of energy this week. We’re talking about the kind of energy you exude during an intense game of Cranium with the family, when you’re frantically and somewhat pathetically trying to walk like a penguin in the hopes that sis will eventually stop shouting “Stick up the butt” and correctly guess “Charlie Chaplin,” before cous’ and that annoying know-it-all uncle of yours get it right and win the game for the third year in a row. It’s that kind of energy that may piss off your relatives but will appeal to your romantic partner(s).

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Take action and you’ll receive the kind of love you’re looking for. If you take time to talk, all will be lost this week. i.e., play Pictionary instead of Balderdash.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Face it, you’re never going to impress your partner with your cooking skills. Focus instead on what they love you for (money, fame, sex, season tickets to the Knicks, etc. ).

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Move on, loser. S/he’s never coming back. That’s what you get for burning the turkey last year.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You don’t need to settle for someone who is still committed to someone else. No one gets two turkey dinners. Make sure they get a plate of mashed potatoes in the face if they try.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
This week, you’ll find love in the strangest places. So what the hell, accept that invite from your parents’ friends’ socially awkward son/daughter to get a fancy cocktail at the local Chili’s while you’re home over Thanksgiving. The only downside is that if you do meet a hottie at the bar, you’ll be forced to admit to your friends that you met in Chili’s, and you might have to go back once a year on your anniversary. But really, isn’t that a small price to pay for true wuv?

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You can’t rush a relationship anymore than you can rush the cooking of a turkey (unless you deep-fry it, and that’s plain gross). Slow down and take time to stop and smell the turkey.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
It’s a good thing a bunch of family holidays are coming up, because you need some kind of speed bump on your highway of sin. And what better to keep your mind off of cheap and easy sex than a visit with your big, blue-haired Auntie Bertha? The only legs that should be spreading in anticipation of a good stuffing this Thanksgiving are the turkey’s.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
The stars suggest politely that “you may want to avoid too much interaction with others this week. ” Apparently you’re liable to sweat the little things and have trouble keeping your cool. Hey, that sounds just like Thanksgiving at our house. We don’t recommend trying to wrangle your way out of any Turkey Day plans — that’s taking this advice a little too seriously — but you might want to reconsider making it a five-day weekend.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 11-17-14

November 17, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
If your mind’s in the gutter but your ass is on the La-Z-Boy, chances are the only person you’re going to be talking dirty to is your teddy bear. If you’re looking for a more interactive experience, as it were, you’re going to have to get out of the house every once in a while. Though, if your dirty talking skills are a little rusty, practicing on your teddy bear is not the worst idea in the world. But if you do any more than talk, we don’t want to know about it.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Aggressive or pushy action will push back and slap you in the face this week, so take the quiet approach and let any potential candidate for love come to you and sit on your face.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Make your move — you won’t be sorry. (And if you are sorry, don’t come crying to us; we’ve got very good lawyers and we haven’t lost a case yet.)

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You are cruisin’ for a bruisin’ of your heart (and other organs) if you don’t ease up on the quick and casual, purely physical trysts. Animal lust is a beautiful thing, but so is Barbie, and we all know she’s not the first person we’d want around when the shit comes down. There’s something to be said for having a partner who has more between their ears than rubber-smelling air.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
If the art of seduction is like a fine wine, then you’ve been drinking too much Strawberry Boone’s. You’re about as subtle as a blonde joke. Watch how your friends do it: Trust us, they’re better at this game than you are.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
This week, it’s like you’ve got a flashing red neon sign around your neck that reads “I love you” or at least “I’ll do you” — whichever is more of a sexual turn-on to those jamming on your groove. Brace yourself for the action that’s coming your way, cause it won’t all be good: Imagine a defensive lineman in full gear running your way at full speed with a bouquet of roses. It’s okay with us if you choose to run.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
When you’ve got a lot of hotties tugging on your pants and none are asking the annoying questions like ” Wanna go steady?” or “Where is this relationship going?”, it makes juggling seem like a viable option. But there is such a thing as too many balls in one person’s life. Pull your pants up and force yourself to ask an equally annoying question of at least some of your tuggers: “Why don’t we just be friends?”

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Your spirit is a wild bird, and it cannot be tamed! It soars high over potential mates, taunting them with droppings. Some will flap their wings and try to touch the sky with you. But only a special few will be able to catch up. Those are the kindred ones, and they’re the keepers. If we’re still making sense to you, then you’ve been reading these horoscopes far too religiously for far too long.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
The stars are always down on secret affairs. Just once we’d like them to say, “Hey, Sag, this week is perfect for lying and cheating.” Now that would be a little slice of heaven. But it ain’t ever going to happen. Because no matter how much pull they have with the tides, they can’t make illicit affairs morally conscionable. Damn them!

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
This week, embrace your inner sensualist and set the scene. Don’t worry about being labelled a soft jazz hippie; if you light a scented candle and break out the essential oils for a quiet night in with your partner, it’s like a tree falling down in a forest — no one will know. If, however, you put Yanni on the stereo, it is nothing like a tree falling down in a forest: Your neighbors will hear it. Hell, people can tell that shit just by looking at you.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
It’s not your birthday, but it might as well be, because guess what? The stars insist that you play the field this week. Apparently your head and your heart are going in different directions, or something like that. What do you care, though? You’re too busy getting busy to notice.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Whoa, Nellie. You’ve been wooing with the tenacity of a paparazzi photographer of late. Hang back a little, play it cool–that hottie is not quite ready for their close-up with you yet.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 11-10-14

November 10, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Your attention span for relationships currently rivals that of the average Buzzfeed reader. Consequently, don’t dabble in anything too serious —- instead, surround yourself with a poo-poo platter of mini-flings to suit your tastes. Maybe next week you’ll grow up a bit. . . uh, we mean, be ready to make a few important decisions.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
If we had a dime bag for every time the stars told us to convey the message “Flaunt what you’ve got and you’ll get the attention you deserve,” we’d be stoned out of our minds. Fortunately the stars don’t deal in narcotics, so we’re still clear-headed enough to be able to tell you this: Flaunt what you’ve got and you’ll get the attention you deserve.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
If you live in the north of the U.S. like we do, there’s some unseasonably mean cold weather coming your way this week (they’re calling it the “Bomb Cyclone,” which we guess is supposed to sound a lot scarier than “Polar Vortex”). In other words, you should find someone cuddly and bunker down with them for the week. We’re thinking Olive Kitteridge (HBO On Demand), red wine, and a pair of fuzzy handcuffs. If you’re single, may we suggest you get on Tinder, stat, while it’s still warm enough to head outside and meet your blind date.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Don’t just sit there thinking about your love life (that’s our job) -— get out there and do something about it. Like what, you ask snottily? Well, let’s see, things that won’t get you a date include: whining to us, whining to your therapist, whining to your goldfish, trimming your toe nails. Things that might get you a date include: going to your 5/10/15/20-year high school reunion, joining a community service group, actively using online personals, becoming rich and famous. Oh, and if you do get a date, trim your toe nails first.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Ironically, staying very busy this week will be the key to finding someone to lie around in bed with all day.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Apparently you will be a silver tongued communicator this week. So we recommend setting your sights a little higher than simply using your new-found oratorical skills to order a particularly complicated sandwich at the deli.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You should consider wearing one of those “keep back fifty yards” t-shirts this week. Proximity to hotties will get you all flustered, and not in an endearing way -— we’re talking pit stains and clammy hands. If you don’t want someone to see you lose your cool this early on in the seduction process (and trust us, it won’t be pretty), then keep your distance. And wear deodorant.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Sitting around worrying will not solve all your problems. Neither will yoga. There, we said it: There is such a thing as a problem that yoga can’t solve, despite what all the celebrities claim. (And who believes them, anyway? When they say that yoga gives them that special glow, it’s just Hollywood code for bulimia, plastic surgery, and a three-hundred-dollar facial. Hi, Renee Zellweger.) But anyway, you’re too broke for the facial, and too smart for surgery or an eating disorder. So hit the town with some good friends, instead; it’s twice the therapy and doesn’t leave scars or rot your teeth.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Put a collar on yourself and hand your date the leash. Let them lead the way. Better to see where they’re going rather than taking off for the nearest fire hydrant and embarrassing yourself. (We don’t intend for you to take this advice literally, unless you’d like to dabble in a little BDSM role playing . . . in which case, don’t use a real dog collar but a made-for-play one, and always lead from the front!)

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
We talk a big game here about not assuming exclusivity in a relationship until you’ve had “the talk,” but dating in a plural sense is not for the faint of heart. No matter how honest you are with everyone involved (you have been honest with everyone, haven’t you?), you can only keep it going for so long before someone starts to get upset, pouty, jealous, or psycho. We’re only human, after all, and “thanks so much for the great head, I have to go shower for my next date” doesn’t make anyone feel warm and fuzzy. It might be time to make like the Bachelor/ette and start kicking some of your followers to the curb. If you can arrange to have them picked up in a limo, that would be a nice touch.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You won’t have any trouble finding love this week, but if you are too accommodating and decide to spread yourself around, you may hurt someone’s feelings. There is something to be said for monogamy. And that’s not even coming from us monogamy whores -— that’s coming straight from the stars!

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You wouldn’t happen to have feelings for more than one person, now, would you? Come on, you can tell us. Maybe you’re feeling just a little tug from someone in another direction. . . We knew it! We have no advice for you, we just wanted to see if we were right.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 11-03-14

November 3, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
We’re assuming the stars are talking about love, but this may apply to a friendship or a business relationship for all we know: Don’t turn your back on someone who has been loyal to you for years. Shame on you for even considering it! Think of everything they’ve ever done for you. Sure, they may be completely annoying in their own special way, but that’s part of their charm. Don’t walk away from them, not if you want us to talk to you again.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Anger and resentment will follow if someone becomes too clingy too fast. Just be sure you’re not mistaking true love for clingy-ness, because someday people will stop clinging and then you’ll die all alone.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You are likely to run out of steam when you need it the most this week. Pace yourself, drink lots of water, and think about baseball.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Just because you’re in a good mood, that doesn’t mean everyone else you pass should “smile — it can’t be that bad!” Just because you’re in a bad mood, doesn’t mean you have to poo poo everyone else’s good time. Just because you think it’s a brilliant idea, that won’t mean your colleagues will too. Just because you want to do it, doesn’t automatically mean your partner wants to stop watching TV. Just because your dog wags its tail when you do that thing, that doesn’t make it right, you sick, sick bastard.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
The more passionate you are about something that you are involved in, the more likely you are to meet someone who is attracted to you, as well as everything you believe in and stand for. Are you really interested in being a married Evangelical pastor, or did you sign up just because it seemed like the thing to do? Find a cause you actually care about, one you can get behind with gusto, like Free Beer Fridays or Gimps Are People Too. Besides, that rumor you heard about pastors getting a free pass on gay sex with prostitutes is not true. Total urban legend, man.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
If your mind’s in the gutter but your ass is on the La-Z-Boy, chances are the only person you’re goind to be talking dirty to is your teddy bear. If you’re looking for a more interactive experience, as it were, you’re going to have to get out of the house every once in a while. Though, if your dirty talking skills are a little rusty, practicing on your teddy bear is not the worst idea in the world. But if you do any more than talk, we don’t want to know about it.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Don’t believe the lies of the person trying to seduce you right now!

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Scorpio, let’s work on our indoor voice, shall we? This whole social butterfly thing you’ve got going works fine in the bar (or on line at the DMV), but in one-on-one situations, it’s a little much. Tone it down a tad once you hit the bedroom, lest you scare away the hotties (or piss off their neighbors).

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Go to bed without brushing your teeth for once. Hit the snooze button a third time. Leave on the conditioner for a minute longer than the bottle tells you to. You know: go nuts. Most of all, let your heart rule your head. Remember, it doesn’t have to “make sense,” it just has to be legal and consensual. If anyone questions your state of mind, just tell them that if loving this way is wrong, you don’t want to be right.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Being needy will be a problem. If you try too hard you will end up with someone who will take advantage of you. You are probably better off spending time alone with a good book. Like the fabulous book, 150 Shades of Play: A Beginner’s Guide to Kink. Have you heard of it? It’ll help kill the time until you finally find someone cool to knock boots with.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
It’s time to turn on the charm and make a splash — or, as we like to call it, pulling a Hilary Rodham Clinton. You’re your own sexual agent, and sometimes that means rolling up your sleeves and doing a little self-promotion. Stop short of an “Am I Hot or What?” press release, but don’t shy away from anything else. Trust us on this one: We know from self-promotion. Once you bite the bullet and start, it’s addictive! (Did we mention we our fabulous book, 150 Shades of Play: A Beginner’s Guide to Kink?)

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
When you fall for someone, it’s like you become a Jehovah’s Witness: you do everything in your power to convince the object of your affections to see the light and join you on this journey of love. Yet they almost always resist when you come on so strong, practically slamming the door in your face. Don’t put your foot in the door jam — you’ll just end up with a broken toe, maybe even a cop or two responding to the 911 call your beloved made when you wouldn’t back down. The best thing you can do is just quietly walk away. One look at that ass as you leave the front porch, and they’ll be calling you up for salvation before you know it.

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Your Halloween Horoscopes: 10-27-14

October 27, 2014

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pumpkin_puke_421photo via Flickr

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
What’s the hurry? Take your time and get to know a potential partner a little before considering becoming intimate. In the meantime, bob for apples without using your teeth to practice for the oral sex to come later.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Being a stickler about guests wearing costumes to the party you’re throwing tonight is great…to a point. Yes, when people feel they don’t have a choice, they feel less weird about dressing up — and getting everyone on board means no party poopers to make the participants feel like assholes for dressing up as Sexy Ebola. But some people are so against getting outfitted, that they’d rather not attend than be forced to wear a hospital gown or a kitty cat outfit. And are you really going to turn someone away who doesn’t show up in drag? Sometimes it’s good to let things slide a little. This, of course, is a metaphor for your love life.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Trick or treat, smell your feet, give your partner something good to eat — this is the best dating advice we can offer you for tonight.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 10-20-14

October 20, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Anger and resentment will follow if someone becomes too clingy too fast. Just be sure you’re not mistaking true love for clingy-ness, because someday people will stop clinging and then you’ll die all alone.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
What you want and what you get may be two different things. Try to be honest about who you are and what you are looking for. If you aren’t interested in someone, don’t lead him or her on. In other words, if you’re not really a firefighter or a Good Person, don’t dress like one on Halloween.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Consider yourself warned: There are some people who will assume that just because you’re dressed as a doormat this Halloween, you want to be treated as such. So be prepared to point out the line between fantasy and reality. And practice saying the word no… and meaning it.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
If your partner has been sneaking around a lot lately, don’t assume they’re having an affair. Maybe they’re planning a surprise Halloween costume ball, a la Eyes Wide Shut. And if that’s the case, don’t be surprised when the only people who show up are wrinkly old men draped in cloaks.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Being needy will be a problem. If you try too hard you will end up with someone who will take advantage of you. You are probably better off spending time alone with a good book. Like one of ours. They’ll help kill the time until you finally find someone cool to knock boots with.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Go to bed without brushing your teeth for once. Hit the snooze button a third time. Leave on the conditioner for a minute longer than the bottle tells you to. You know: go nuts. Most of all, let your heart rule your head. Remember, it doesn’t have to “make sense,” it just has to be legal and consensual. If anyone questions your state of mind, just tell them that if loving this way is wrong, you don’t want to be right.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Let’s work on our indoor voice, shall we? This whole social butterfly thing you’ve got going works fine in the bar (or on line at the DMV), but in one-on-one situations, it’s a little much. Tone it down a tad once you hit the bedroom, lest you scare away the hotties (or piss off their neighbors).

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Don’t believe the lies of the person trying to seduce you right now!

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
If your mind’s in the gutter but your ass is on the La-Z-Boy, chances are the only person you’re goind to be talking dirty to is your teddy bear. If you’re looking for a more interactive experience, as it were, you’re going to have to get out of the house every once in a while. Though, if your dirty talking skills are a little rusty, practicing on your teddy bear is not the worst idea in the world. But if you do any more than talk, we don’t want to know about it.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
The more passionate you are about something that you are involved in, the more likely you are to meet someone who is attracted to you, as well as everything you believe in and stand for. Are you really interested in being a married Evangelical pastor, or did you sign up just because it seemed like the thing to do? Find a cause you actually care about, one you can get behind with gusto, like Free Beer Fridays or Anal Fisting Education. Besides, that rumor you heard about pastors getting a free pass on gay sex with prostitutes is not true. Total urban legend, man.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Just because you’re in a good mood, that doesn’t mean everyone else you pass should “smile — it can’t be that bad!” Just because you’re in a bad mood, doesn’t mean you have to poo poo everyone else’s good time. Just because you think it’s a brilliant idea, that won’t mean your colleagues will too. Just because you want to do it, doesn’t automatically mean your partner wants to stop watching TV. Just because your dog wags its tail when you do that thing, that doesn’t make it right, you sick, sick bastard.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You are likely to run out of steam when you need it the most this week. Pace yourself, drink lots of water, and think about baseball.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 10-14-14

October 14, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
If we had a dime bag for every time the stars told us to convey the message “Get out and strut your stuff and you will attract all sorts of interesting attention,” we’d be stoned out of our minds. Fortunately the stars don’t deal in narcotics, so we’re still clear-headed enough to be able to tell you this: Get out and strut your stuff and you will attract all sorts of interesting attention.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Your attention span for relationships currently rivals that of the average “Girl Meets World” Disney viewer. Consequently, don’t dabble in anything too serious — instead, surround yourself with a poo-poo platter of mini-flings to suit your tastes. Maybe next week you’ll grow up a bit. . . uh, we mean, be ready to make a few important decisions.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You wouldn’t happen to have feelings for more than one person, now, would you? Come on, you can tell us. Maybe you’re feeling just a little tug from someone in another direction. . . We knew it! We have no advice for you, we just wanted to see if we were right.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You won’t have any trouble finding love this week, but if you are too accommodating and decide to spread yourself around, you may hurt someone’s feelings. There is something to be said for monogamy. And that’s not even coming from us monogamy whores — that’s coming straight from the stars!

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
We talk a big game here about not assuming exclusivity in a relationship until you’ve had “the talk,” but dating in a plural sense is not for the faint of heart. No matter how honest you are with everyone involved (you have been honest with everyone, haven’t you?), you can only keep it going for so long before someone starts to get upset, pouty, jealous, or psycho. We’re only human, after all, and “thanks so much for the great head, I have to go shower for my next date” doesn’t make anyone feel warm and fuzzy. It might be time to make like the Bachelor/ette and start kicking some of your followers to the curb. If you can arrange to have them picked up in a limo, that would be a nice touch.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Put a collar on yourself and hand your date the leash. Let them lead the way. Better to see where they’re going rather than taking off for the nearest fire hydrant and embarrassing yourself. (We don’t intend for you to take this advice literally, unless you’d like to dabble in a little BDSM role playing . . . in which case, don’t use a real dog collar but a made-for-play one, and always lead from the front!)

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Sitting around worrying will not solve all your problems. Neither will yoga. There, we said it: There is such a thing as a problem that yoga can’t solve, despite what all the celebrities claim. (And who believes them, anyway? When they say that yoga gives them that special glow, it’s just Hollywood code for bulimia, plastic surgery, and a three-hundred-dollar facial.) But anyway, you’re too broke for the facial, and too smart for surgery or an eating disorder. So hit the town with some good friends, instead; it’s twice the therapy and doesn’t leave scars or rot your teeth.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You should consider wearing one of those “keep back fifty yards” t-shirts this week. Proximity to hotties will get you all flustered, and not in an endearing way — we’re talking pit stains and clammy hands. If you don’t want someone to see you lose your cool this early on in the seduction process (and trust us, it won’t be pretty), then keep your distance. And wear deodorant.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Apparently “talk will get you exactly what you want” this week. So we recommend setting your sights a little higher than simply using your new-found oratorical skills to order a particularly complicated sandwich at the deli.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Ironically, staying very busy this week will be the key to finding someone to lie around in bed with all day.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Don’t just sit there thinking about your love life (that’s our job) — get out there and do something about it. Like what, you ask snottily? Well, let’s see, things that won’t get you a date include: whining to us, whining to your therapist, whining to your goldfish, trimming your toe nails. Things that might get you a date include: going to your ten/twenty-year high school reunion, joining a community service group, actively using the Personals, becoming rich and famous. Oh, and if you do get a date, trim your toe nails first.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You’re looking for that special connection who makes your face flush, your heart pound, and your genitals. . . well, let’s not get into that. Get involved in a physical activity you really enjoy and it might just lead you to that special someone. And if not — hey, at least the physical exertion will make your face flush and your heart pound. Like Meatloaf said, two out of three ain’t bad.

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