Em & Lo: Sex. Love. And Everything in Between. » Horoscopes http://www.emandlo.com Your daily dose of advice, news, and stories about sex, love, and other important stuff. No yoga mat required. Fri, 24 Oct 2014 11:29:16 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 Your Weekly Horoscopes: 10-20-14 http://www.emandlo.com/2014/10/your-weekly-horoscopes-10-20-14/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/10/your-weekly-horoscopes-10-20-14/#comments Mon, 20 Oct 2014 13:41:19 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=30406 grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Anger and resentment will follow if someone becomes too clingy too fast. Just be sure you’re not mistaking true love for clingy-ness, because someday people will stop clinging and then you’ll die all alone.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
What you want and what you get may be two different things. Try to be honest about who you are and what you are looking for. If you aren’t interested in someone, don’t lead him or her on. In other words, if you’re not really a firefighter or a Good Person, don’t dress like one on Halloween.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Consider yourself warned: There are some people who will assume that just because you’re dressed as a doormat this Halloween, you want to be treated as such. So be prepared to point out the line between fantasy and reality. And practice saying the word no… and meaning it.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
If your partner has been sneaking around a lot lately, don’t assume they’re having an affair. Maybe they’re planning a surprise Halloween costume ball, a la Eyes Wide Shut. And if that’s the case, don’t be surprised when the only people who show up are wrinkly old men draped in cloaks.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Being needy will be a problem. If you try too hard you will end up with someone who will take advantage of you. You are probably better off spending time alone with a good book. Like one of ours. They’ll help kill the time until you finally find someone cool to knock boots with.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Go to bed without brushing your teeth for once. Hit the snooze button a third time. Leave on the conditioner for a minute longer than the bottle tells you to. You know: go nuts. Most of all, let your heart rule your head. Remember, it doesn’t have to “make sense,” it just has to be legal and consensual. If anyone questions your state of mind, just tell them that if loving this way is wrong, you don’t want to be right.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Let’s work on our indoor voice, shall we? This whole social butterfly thing you’ve got going works fine in the bar (or on line at the DMV), but in one-on-one situations, it’s a little much. Tone it down a tad once you hit the bedroom, lest you scare away the hotties (or piss off their neighbors).

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Don’t believe the lies of the person trying to seduce you right now!

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
If your mind’s in the gutter but your ass is on the La-Z-Boy, chances are the only person you’re goind to be talking dirty to is your teddy bear. If you’re looking for a more interactive experience, as it were, you’re going to have to get out of the house every once in a while. Though, if your dirty talking skills are a little rusty, practicing on your teddy bear is not the worst idea in the world. But if you do any more than talk, we don’t want to know about it.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
The more passionate you are about something that you are involved in, the more likely you are to meet someone who is attracted to you, as well as everything you believe in and stand for. Are you really interested in being a married Evangelical pastor, or did you sign up just because it seemed like the thing to do? Find a cause you actually care about, one you can get behind with gusto, like Free Beer Fridays or Anal Fisting Education. Besides, that rumor you heard about pastors getting a free pass on gay sex with prostitutes is not true. Total urban legend, man.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Just because you’re in a good mood, that doesn’t mean everyone else you pass should “smile — it can’t be that bad!” Just because you’re in a bad mood, doesn’t mean you have to poo poo everyone else’s good time. Just because you think it’s a brilliant idea, that won’t mean your colleagues will too. Just because you want to do it, doesn’t automatically mean your partner wants to stop watching TV. Just because your dog wags its tail when you do that thing, that doesn’t make it right, you sick, sick bastard.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You are likely to run out of steam when you need it the most this week. Pace yourself, drink lots of water, and think about baseball.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 10-14-14 http://www.emandlo.com/2014/10/your-weekly-horoscopes-10-14-14/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/10/your-weekly-horoscopes-10-14-14/#comments Tue, 14 Oct 2014 13:56:39 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=30343 grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
If we had a dime bag for every time the stars told us to convey the message “Get out and strut your stuff and you will attract all sorts of interesting attention,” we’d be stoned out of our minds. Fortunately the stars don’t deal in narcotics, so we’re still clear-headed enough to be able to tell you this: Get out and strut your stuff and you will attract all sorts of interesting attention.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Your attention span for relationships currently rivals that of the average “Girl Meets World” Disney viewer. Consequently, don’t dabble in anything too serious — instead, surround yourself with a poo-poo platter of mini-flings to suit your tastes. Maybe next week you’ll grow up a bit. . . uh, we mean, be ready to make a few important decisions.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You wouldn’t happen to have feelings for more than one person, now, would you? Come on, you can tell us. Maybe you’re feeling just a little tug from someone in another direction. . . We knew it! We have no advice for you, we just wanted to see if we were right.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You won’t have any trouble finding love this week, but if you are too accommodating and decide to spread yourself around, you may hurt someone’s feelings. There is something to be said for monogamy. And that’s not even coming from us monogamy whores — that’s coming straight from the stars!

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
We talk a big game here about not assuming exclusivity in a relationship until you’ve had “the talk,” but dating in a plural sense is not for the faint of heart. No matter how honest you are with everyone involved (you have been honest with everyone, haven’t you?), you can only keep it going for so long before someone starts to get upset, pouty, jealous, or psycho. We’re only human, after all, and “thanks so much for the great head, I have to go shower for my next date” doesn’t make anyone feel warm and fuzzy. It might be time to make like the Bachelor/ette and start kicking some of your followers to the curb. If you can arrange to have them picked up in a limo, that would be a nice touch.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Put a collar on yourself and hand your date the leash. Let them lead the way. Better to see where they’re going rather than taking off for the nearest fire hydrant and embarrassing yourself. (We don’t intend for you to take this advice literally, unless you’d like to dabble in a little BDSM role playing . . . in which case, don’t use a real dog collar but a made-for-play one, and always lead from the front!)

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Sitting around worrying will not solve all your problems. Neither will yoga. There, we said it: There is such a thing as a problem that yoga can’t solve, despite what all the celebrities claim. (And who believes them, anyway? When they say that yoga gives them that special glow, it’s just Hollywood code for bulimia, plastic surgery, and a three-hundred-dollar facial.) But anyway, you’re too broke for the facial, and too smart for surgery or an eating disorder. So hit the town with some good friends, instead; it’s twice the therapy and doesn’t leave scars or rot your teeth.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You should consider wearing one of those “keep back fifty yards” t-shirts this week. Proximity to hotties will get you all flustered, and not in an endearing way — we’re talking pit stains and clammy hands. If you don’t want someone to see you lose your cool this early on in the seduction process (and trust us, it won’t be pretty), then keep your distance. And wear deodorant.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Apparently “talk will get you exactly what you want” this week. So we recommend setting your sights a little higher than simply using your new-found oratorical skills to order a particularly complicated sandwich at the deli.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Ironically, staying very busy this week will be the key to finding someone to lie around in bed with all day.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Don’t just sit there thinking about your love life (that’s our job) — get out there and do something about it. Like what, you ask snottily? Well, let’s see, things that won’t get you a date include: whining to us, whining to your therapist, whining to your goldfish, trimming your toe nails. Things that might get you a date include: going to your ten/twenty-year high school reunion, joining a community service group, actively using the Personals, becoming rich and famous. Oh, and if you do get a date, trim your toe nails first.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You’re looking for that special connection who makes your face flush, your heart pound, and your genitals. . . well, let’s not get into that. Get involved in a physical activity you really enjoy and it might just lead you to that special someone. And if not — hey, at least the physical exertion will make your face flush and your heart pound. Like Meatloaf said, two out of three ain’t bad.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 10-06-14 http://www.emandlo.com/2014/10/your-weekly-horoscopes-10-06-14/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/10/your-weekly-horoscopes-10-06-14/#comments Mon, 06 Oct 2014 16:58:38 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=30252 grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You are likely to run out of steam when you need it the most this week. Pace yourself, drink lots of water, and think about baseball.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Just because you’re in a good mood, that doesn’t mean everyone else you pass should “smile — it can’t be that bad!” Just because you’re in a bad mood, doesn’t mean you have to poo poo everyone else’s good time. Just because you think it’s a brilliant idea, that won’t mean your colleagues will too. Just because you want to do it, doesn’t automatically mean your partner wants to stop watching TV. Just because your dog wags its tail when you do that thing, that doesn’t make it right, you sick, sick bastard.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
If your mind’s in the gutter but your ass is on the La-Z-Boy, chances are the only person you’re going to be talking dirty to is your teddy bear. If you’re looking for a more interactive experience, as it were, you’re going to have to get out of the house every once in a while. Though, if your dirty talking skills are a little rusty, practicing on your teddy bear is not the worst idea in the world. But if you do any more than talk, we don’t want to know about it.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
The more passionate you are about something that you are involved in, the more likely you are to meet someone who is attracted to you, as well as everything you believe in and stand for. Are you really interested in being a married Evangelical pastor, or did you sign up just because it seemed like the thing to do? Find a cause you actually care about, one you can get behind with gusto, like Free Beer Fridays or Anal Fisting Education. Besides, that rumor you heard about pastors getting a free pass on gay sex with prostitutes is not true. Total urban legend, man.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Let’s work on our indoor voice, shall we? This whole social butterfly thing you’ve got going works fine in the bar (or on line at the DMV), but in one-on-one situations, it’s a little much. Tone it down a tad once you hit the bedroom, lest you scare away the hotties (or piss off their neighbors).

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Go to bed without brushing your teeth for once. Hit the snooze button a third time. Leave on the conditioner for a minute longer than the bottle tells you to. You know: go nuts! Most of all, let your heart rule your head. Remember, it doesn’t have to “make sense,” it just has to be legal and consensual. If anyone questions your state of mind, just tell them that if loving this way is wrong, you don’t want to be right.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Don’t believe the lies of the person trying to seduce you right now!

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Being needy will be a problem. If you try too hard you will end up with someone who will take advantage of you. You are probably better off spending time alone with a good book — anything by Gillian Flynn is a good bet.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Anger and resentment will follow if someone becomes too clingy too fast. Just be sure you’re not mistaking true love for clingy-ness, because someday people will stop clinging and then you’ll die all alone.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
It’s time to turn on the charm and make a splash. You’re your own sexual agent, and sometimes that means rolling up your sleeves and doing a little self-promotion. Stop short of an “Am I Hot or What?” press release, but don’t shy away from anything else. Trust us on this one: We know from self-promotion. Once you bite the bullet and start, it’s addictive!

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
When you fall for someone, it’s like you become a Jehovah’s Witness: you do everything in your power to convince the object of your affections to see the light and join you on this journey of love. Yet they almost always resist when you come on so strong, practically slamming the door in your face. Don’t put your foot in the door jam — you’ll just end up with a broken toe, maybe even a cop or two responding to the 911 call your beloved made when you wouldn’t back down. The best thing you can do is just quietly walk away. One look at that ass as you leave the front porch, and they’ll be calling you up for salvation before you know it.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
We’re assuming the stars are talking about love, but this may apply to a friendship or a business relationship for all we know: Don’t turn your back on someone who has been loyal to you for years. Shame on you for even considering it! Think of everything they’ve ever done for you. Sure, they may be completely annoying in their own special way, but that’s part of their charm. Don’t walk away from them, not if you want us to talk to you again.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 09-29-14 http://www.emandlo.com/2014/09/your-weekly-horoscopes-09-29-14/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/09/your-weekly-horoscopes-09-29-14/#comments Mon, 29 Sep 2014 10:14:54 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=30194 grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Sure, if you make a bold move, there’s a risk of rejection and heartache. But if you don’t make a move, then loneliness is a sure thing.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
We would not want to be you this week. You’re going to find yourself between a rock and a hard place, put on the spot about a relationship, pressured to make some kind of monumental decision. Don’t do it! Stall them, buy some time, mumble something noncommittal about needing time to think, and then check back here next week. Hopefully the stars will give you something more to work with at that point.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Sure, opposites attract, but that doesn’t mean they’re going to have anything to say to each other while they’re spooning after all that hot, opposites-attracting kind of sex. Write this down on a Post-It and stick it on your bathroom mirror, because we can’t always be there to say, “I told you so” — no matter how much we enjoy doing so.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Take a look around. Someone has their eye on you. No, not that creepy freak at the grocery store who always seems to be waiting for you in the toilet paper aisle. We’re talking about someone with real potential. Play hard to get and you might get them in return. Just make sure you’re stocked up on T. P., because there’s nothing worse than running out when the two of you come home stumbling drunk at 3 a. m. for your first love sesh after a night of Mexican and beer.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You can talk your way into anyone’s heart — but where’s the beef?

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
As a kid growing up in the ’80s, romantic relationships were easy, and often built in a day: You go to a kegger in the woods after school on a Friday, get to second base with a new special friend that night, and end up dating for the rest of the year until Prom, when you get drunk on your Mom’s Peach Schnapps and end up making out with your high school math teacher. Not so as an adult: These days, relationships take time. Friendships need to be established first. You don’t necessarily have to give anyone a brightly colored, beaded friendship pin to put on their Keds, but some kind of nod to your blossoming friendship can only help get you to second later.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
If only we had looked really hard in the mirror back when we feathered our bangs and wore side ponytails; if only we had questioned the practicality of all those snaps on the Members Only Jackets. We were just so quick to jump on the bandwagon, we didn’t realize we were actually jumping off the bridge of good taste. Replace fashion with romance and you have a pretty good description of your current relationship: It’s time to take a good look in the mirror — and at your partner’s wardrobe choices.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You’re so busy dreaming about the mountains you’d scale and the valleys you’d traverse once you find True Love, you’re missing what’s right in your backyard. Perhaps even right in your own bed: Don’t discount your favorite booty call as a potential for-better-for-worse, let’s-eat-oatmeal-together-every-morning partner for life. Hey, you already know the sex will be great.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Keep your mouth shut and your eyes open this week. Keen observation, Sherlock style, may lead you to discover something new about your romantic interest — perhaps something dark and mysterious, like a dangerous past or a penchant for kooky hats and pipes.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Your blushing rose act can only take you so far. This isn’t the fifties, you know. At some point you’re going to have to actually express interest if you want this little eye contact game you’ve got going on to develop into a full-blown relationship. It may seem “crass” to you, but trust us, you’ve already exhibited more than enough restraint and politesse to make your point. As Andre the Giant probably said once, it’s time to take it to the mat.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Sometimes it really is just a matter of bad timing. Sometimes they really do have to wash their hair. Sometimes their dog really did just get run over. This week, give someone the benefit of the doubt. No need to be a sucker, just don’t fly off the handle immediately and assume the position of jealous lover — otherwise you’ll end up giving them a real excuse not to call.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Don’t believe everything you read on the web, especially if it’s in someone’s online dating or Facebook profile. Meet in person before calling each other shmoopy, inviting them to your parents’ house for Thanksgiving, or agreeing to anything involving a ballgag and a dog bowl.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 09-22-14 http://www.emandlo.com/2014/09/your-weekly-horoscopes-09-22-14/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/09/your-weekly-horoscopes-09-22-14/#comments Mon, 22 Sep 2014 14:52:44 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=30111 grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You call it “free-spirited”; we call it “about as evolved as a dog sniffing another dog’s poopy-butt.” Don’t come crying to us when you die alone.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Jeez, talk about specific. We hope your town has some kind of charity run coming up. Or even a charity chicken dance. Because the stars reckon that if you take part in an event that is both “sporty and charitable,” you might meet someone special. If you can’t find anything pre-existing, then we suggest you give fate a helping hand and organize one of your own. And it’s not cheating if we say it’s not.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Wear your heart on your sleeve this week. For once, a pigeon isn’t going to choose that very moment to poop all over it.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Never one to shy away from trying something new, you will sign up for that new anti-stress class where you spend thirty minutes straight laughing like a hyena, or take that underwater basket-weaving class at your local school of continuing education, or go to a high-colonic spa. This will increase your chances of meeting someone “special.” Don’t hesitate to tell someone you like them, especially after they’ve just had two pounds of year-old feces manually pumped out of their abyss — nobody riding that kind of high could say no to your advances.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Sometimes the planets align just so for one, sole, humble purpose: To make you dynamite in the sack for a week. Forget about world peace or tidal changes, this is all about a booty call of stellar proportions. So for booty’s sake, make sure you’re in some kind of sack this week, otherwise it will have all been for naught.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You’ll find it hard to keep it in your pants this week. May we suggest keeping it there until someone takes it out for you?

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
This is so like you: The person on your romance plate both stimulates and repulses you, kind of like meatloaf. You won’t know what to do. So instead of just gracefully putting the napkin on your lap, picking up your silverware and taking slow, small bites, you’ll probably freak out and end up rubbing the meatloaf all over your naked body right there on the dining room table. Which may or may not be a bad thing.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You’d like to think that that fascinating creature is laughing at your jokes because they’re funny, is asking for your help because you’re all-knowing, and is hanging around all the time because you smell good. But you’d be wrong. They probably just want you to introduce them to your friend.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Do you want to know how to make friends and influence people? Are you ready for the secret? People have made millions of dollars hawking books and hosting seminars on the subject, and we’re about to dish the goods to you absolutely free. Just because we like you — it’s that simple. The secret is that simple, too: You’ve got to ask questions and listen to the answers. Got that? Ask someone questions about them…and…then…wait for the answer…and listen to the answer…and…ask them another related question to show you listened and understood. They’ll talk all night while you listen, enraptured. They’ll probably talk their way right into your pants, in fact — assuming you don’t have three heads, you don’t stick them with the bill, and you don’t tell them it was all part of your cunning plan to bed them.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
It’s like you just found a pair of sneakers with the initials M. J. on the tongue, and every time you wear them, booty is a slamdunk, no-contest affair. But don’t forget to take off the sneaks every now and then, lest you contract a nasty case of athelete’s foot.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
People from different backgrounds will interest you this week. This may mean you’ll hook up with a vegetarian hippie. Then again, it may mean it’s finally time to come out of the closet.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
We know that blind dates probably leave you colder than a witch’s tit. But obviously they must work occasionally, right? We can’t all be such suckers that we continue to let our annoying co-workers set us up with their sister’s aunt’s yoga instructor’s vet when there’s no chance in hell it’ll lead to anything good, right? No, we’re not. Studies have shown that one in three hundred-and-forty-seven blind dates will lead to a lasting connection, while one in fifty will lead to a hot anal encounter, and one in five will lead to some kind of boot-ay. This week, the booty gods are looking kindly upon you, so get a friend to hook you up with their third cousin, stat!

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 09-15-14 http://www.emandlo.com/2014/09/your-weekly-horoscopes-09-15-14/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/09/your-weekly-horoscopes-09-15-14/#comments Mon, 15 Sep 2014 15:02:14 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=29987 grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Someone will become infatuated with you this week. Of course, the dictionary defines infatuation as “a foolish, unreasoning, extravagant, and short-lived passion.” Which means that the second you show signs of reciprocating this infatuation, it will suddenly feel “foolish” to your paramour — hence the whole “short-lived” thing. So don’t fall for the wooing and the roses; this isn’t the real thing. (Hey, don’t get mad at us: It ain’t easy being the harbingers of doom.)

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Kink is relative. (We think Freud said that.) For some, all it takes to spice things up is doing it before “Game of Thrones” instead of after. Others find themselves struggling to break out of the routine of the same old purple leather thirteen-inch strap-on, day in, day out. You may never have described yourself as “kinky” before now, but your latest partner is one of those “GOT”-watchers (we mean that in the nicest way). You are Kink Master. Your partner likes being Kink Student. Make them earn some extra credit this week.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Woah, serious. Things are getting hea-vy in the relationship department, huh, Gem? Are you sure you’re ready? You do have options, you know that, right? Getting serious should feel like a step into the future, not back into a corner. And getting serious does not necessarily require three months of your hard-earned filthy lucre, no matter what the diamond industry tells you. Hey, there are starving advice columnists out there who could be saving the sex lives of Americans everywhere with money like that.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
If someone isn’t warming up to you, there may be a good reason. For instance, they may hate your guts. Instead, look for someone gullible who will fall for your sleazy charms. Now that’s what we call a match made in heaven.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Your next fortune cookie might read: “The person with a biggest mouth has the least chance of scoring.” Shut your hole so that others may get filled.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Flirting isn’t always harmless. If not administered carefully, it can shoot someone’s eye out. You may think you’re a skilled marksman: Just enough extended eye contact, not too much coyness, a double entendre here, a shoulder squeeze there. But even the best coquettes miss their targets sometimes. And then they end up with psycho stalkers looking for sweet, sweet revenge.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Are you ready for rejection? Are you dying for a dis? Hoping for a Heisman? Begging for a big fat “not if my life depended on it”? We didn’t think so. Best to keep your mouth shut and be a quiet observer for the week. For whatever reason — pet death in their family, bacne break-out, sudden email from their ex — now is not the time to make your patented “move” on that certain someone, unless you want your heart put through the blender.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Resist any temptation to talk about your past relationships with a new partner. We know, it’s hard — after all, the assholes who’ve beaten your heart into a bloody pulp have made you the cold and bitter person you are today. But stories about how you ate nothing but marshmallows for ten days straight after your ex left you for their golden retriever just aren’t sexy.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You’ll feel like Gulliver tied down by the Lilliputians this week. Break free from your chains and squash those annoying little obligations like bugs. Continue your travels. Bring extra-large protection in case you meet any giants.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
This week, you’ll suddenly develop a very handy, very hardy, thick skin. You will no longer feel the sting of rejection. Oh sure, you’ll get rejected plenty, you just won’t feel the burn. “Ha!” you will say to all your spurners. “No problem!” You will shrug. “I’ll be back!” You will counter resistance with persistence and you will win out in the end. Because it’s not whether you win or lose, it’s how long you can continue playing the game unsuccessfully before collapsing in a bawling heap of self-loathing.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
If you want to know how someone really feels about you, ask him or her outright. Don’t break into their email account, don’t fake a personal ad and try to get them to respond to you, don’t have your BFF pass them a note with check-off boxes about whether or not they’d go steady with you. No, communication (which may or may not mean confrontation) is the best way to know where you stand. Because you have to know where you stand before you can move forward. For instance, if you figure out you’re standing at the end of a plank over a pool of sharks who lust the blood of a broken heart, only then will you realize in which single direction you can move.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Don’t make any promises you don’t think you can keep. Because we know you and we know you won’t keep them. And then we’ll have to distance ourselves from you, because we can’t be seen with promise-breakers — it’s bad for our reputation.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 09-08-14 http://www.emandlo.com/2014/09/your-weekly-horoscopes-09-08-14/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/09/your-weekly-horoscopes-09-08-14/#comments Mon, 08 Sep 2014 12:57:39 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=29921 grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
No matter how many new shirts you buy, how many manicures you get, how much money you throw around, or how much affection you offer, your attempts to impress will be moot. People will see through you like a thinly sliced sliver of ginger. Of course, they won’t say no to the affection. But their lack of reciprocation will burn worse than wasabi on your tender, pink parts.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You don’t have to commit to the first person who comes along. Wait until they’ve all walked by and then pick the hottest one. Did we say hottest? We meant “most compatible, most respectful of your life goals, most likely to join the Peace Corps, and most likely to get on well with your parents.”

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
The stars really surprised us this week, with quite the unexpected, rash, go-get-’em-tiger guidance for Taurus. So here it is, in its original, unabridged form: “You need to get laid.” Oh you saucy stars!

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
As Roy Orbison sang, “Anything you want, you got it.” Pursue your sexual fantasy this week; it can only strengthen your relationship. Unless you’re not in a relationship and your sexual fantasy involves your best friend’s grandparents, in which case you might want to stay home and live vicariously through old Orbison LPs.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You’re pretty damn convincing when you use your head. And no, we don’t mean that special head-butt maneuver you learned from Pogba (though that has been “convincing” in the past). You’re going to have to think outside the box this week to get your partner to see things your way. We’re talking seriously out of the box. Like, Transformers-style. “Robots in disguise! More than meets the eye!” Be the robot.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Just because you’re in their bedroom wearing nothing but a dog leash doesn’t mean you should go wherever they lead you. Wait a minute, what are you doing in their bedroom wearing nothing but a dog leash?! This week, the stars tell us that someone you least suspect may try to lead you in the wrong direction. So, you know, you might not want to be wearing a dog leash — it will only make things easier for them.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Talk is cheap when it comes to lust this week. But you’re not always particularly good at expressing yourself anyway — so consider yourself off the hook! Do unto others as you would have done to yourself . . . with your tongue.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
We know that we’re always encouraging you to “explore your fantasies” and “talk to your partner” and “communicate your dirty little fetish.” And we always say, “How will they know what you want if you don’t tell them,” or, “You don’t know they’ll say no until you ask.” This week, you can scratch all that: for the next seven days, it’s gonna be vanilla ice cream or no ice cream, if you know what we mean.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Apparently you  should be all lovey-dovey with your sig oth this week, according to the stars. The stars are so insensitive sometimes, aren’t they? (Not to mention obvious.) What if you don’t have someone to love right now? Like you needed one more reminder that this week would be a particularly nice time to be all loved up. Pshaw! We say, drink beer, eat ice cream, and download Shirley Valentine.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Don’t hide your light under a bushel this week. Hmm, sounds kinda dirty. We mean: Don’t hide all your jiggly bits under baggy clothing. Just kidding, they’re not that jiggly. Let’s try again: Think of the one thing you’re most shy about (voicing your opinions, changing your hair color, changing your mind, changing your underwear) and make an effort to not be shy about that anymore. Feel free to give your reflection in the mirror rousing words of encouragement each morning.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Don’t just settle for someone because you are lonely and need oral sex. The person offering the oral sex may be wrong for you, or not very good at it, or worse, really dig you for more than just your genitals. If you can rule out the third case, then you have our permission to go for it. But don’t come crying to us when you can’t climax because it was the second case.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Don’t be a tease if you’re not prepared to follow through; that hottie will make a fine friend, but a nasty enemy. Fatal Attraction, anyone?

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Your Weekly Stars: 09-02-14 http://www.emandlo.com/2014/09/your-weekly-stars-09-01-14/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/09/your-weekly-stars-09-01-14/#comments Tue, 02 Sep 2014 11:00:56 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=29467 grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
May we suggest you channel your need to take control into sexual (rather than emotional) endeavors? Every time you feel the need to give your partner career advice, break out the handcuffs instead — and if you’re tempted to tell your sweetie how to handle their mother, grab the riding crop instead. (With their permission, of course. “Em and Lo said we should” is one way to broach the subject.)

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Sex is like chess. Actually, sex is nothing like chess. If you think sex is like chess then you’ve been playing too much chess. But relationships — now there’s something that requires as much patience, forethought, and stamina as chess. If you want to check your mate, play wisely.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You’ll surprise a new partner with your witty words and humorous outlook. We’re not suggesting you break out the fake dog doo-doo, rubber snakes, or sneezing powder in bed. Just be sure not to take yourself too seriously, ’cause you’ll need a sense of humor when you make a Whoopie Cushion sound without a Whoopie Cushion the next time you have sex.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Life is like a box of chocolates — you want to sample as many as possible without getting sick or fat. Indulge your desire to sample this week, but beware of biting off more than you can chew. Who knows, you might find your very own Snickers, something that satisfies for a lifetime. Or at least a few months.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Love and money will go hand in hand this week. Of course, you should never rule out spending time with someone who interests you intellectually. But this week, we think you’re going to find yourself in the fortunate position of not having to answer the following question: Was it love, or was it the Kanye-Kardashian-esque jet plane to Paris for a private eight-course candle-lit dinner at the top of the Eiffel Tower?

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
See that big juicy steak over there? Can you smell the french fries? And, mmm, mmm, mmm, those caramelized onions drizzled over it all are almost too much to bear. So anyway, that steak’s for us, you’re eating leftovers. We bet those leftovers would have tasted pretty good if you hadn’t started to fantasize about our steak, huh?

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
This week, go to your local sex shop and pick up something you’ve never tried before — or never would have even thought of trying: high-quality vibrator with multiple extensions, strap-on with studs, gimp-style ball-gag, edible underwear (on second thought, those things taste terrible), anal beads that jingle, etc. Then run home and convince your partner to play along — gently, gently.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
We know that this summer was long and slow and dry for most of you Scorps out there (at least, it has been for those few Scorps who wrote in and tried to blame it on bad horoscoping). But things are about to change! The stars have decided to take it easy on you. Way easy. In fact, the toughest decision you’ll face this week is who most deserves to be dazzled with your charm and sprinkled with your body glitter. Wish we were there — send us a postcard!

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
If Hollywood were high school (wait, you mean Hollywood isn’t one big high school?), then George Clooney would be prom king and homecoming king and class president and captain of the soccer team, too. And try as you might, you just wouldn’t be able to dislike him, because he’d be so nice to all the geeks, even you. Except you don’t live in Hollywood so you don’t have to be the geek, you get to be George Clooney! Yeah, that’s what we meant to say: If your life were Hollywood, then you’d be the impossible-to-resist George Clooney this week. And you didn’t even have to date Renee Zellweger or star in 1988′s Return of the Killer Tomatoes: The Sequel to be that way.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
We’re all made of the same stuff. Atomic particles are passing by and through us all the time, from decades ago. This week, some of the particles that once made up Madonna have found their way to your clump of anatomy. Ride the wave…like a virgin!

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Secret affairs will lead to disaster if you don’t control the situation. Shakespeare wasn’t making this shit up, you know.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
If ever there were a time to admit to your ultimate fantasy (you know, the one about being a monk in a medieval monastery who gets ravaged by the brethren) as a way to solidify your relationship, then this week is it!

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Your Weekly Stars: 08-25-14 http://www.emandlo.com/2014/08/your-weekly-stars-08-25-14/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/08/your-weekly-stars-08-25-14/#comments Mon, 25 Aug 2014 11:00:58 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=29469 grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect):

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
We all have our fantasies of becoming the people we want to be — by working out like Emily Blunt in Edge of Tomorrow, wearing only the hippest rags from obscure Japanese designers, reading classics like Anna Karenina, volunteering at the local home for orphaned supermodels — all in the hopes of getting laid by Mr./Ms. Right. But you can’t pretend to be someone you’re not. So just be yourself. Unless, of course, “being yourself” involves breaking any kind of law or mixing plaid with stripes.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
This week, you will be prone to saying things that hurt your partner’s feelings. Let them know how much you care by going parking with all the local teenagers — make out until the windows get all steamy and/or the cops show up.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Don’t take on more than you can handle when it comes to love. You may feel like a John Deere, but your relationship hasn’t reached farm-truck status yet. If you try to take on too much cargo you’ll end up with a flat tire, three hundred miles from the nearest tow-truck. And wouldn’t that suck?

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
The stars tell us that you’ll find yourself “in a difficult situation” if you start schtupping a married friend. No kidding. But apparently you need a little reminder this week not to go parking your minivan in someone else’s parking spot.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Being high maintenance may have looked cute on Meg Ryan in When Harry Met Sally, but on you, it just clashes with your hair and makes your butt look big.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Shut up and do us, cowboy. Uh, we mean, do whoever it is that you’re doing these days. The only talk we want to hear from you is pillow talk.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Sometimes (okay, almost all times) honesty is the best policy. Take Jennifer Lawrence talking to Vanity Fair about her career: “Not to sound rude, but [acting] is stupid. Everybody’s like, ‘How can you remain with a level head?’ And I’m like, ‘Why would I ever get cocky? I’m not saving anybody’s life. There are doctors who save lives and firemen who run into burning buildings. I’m making movies. It’s stupid.’” Take a tip from JLaw this week and say how you really feel.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Easy there, Tiger! Woah, Nelly! Hang on, Sloopy. You know how dogs are all cute and funny until they start humping your leg? Take a cold shower, you dirty leg-humper, you.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
These transportation metaphors are getting flat . . . like a tire! Okay, Sag, we’ll spare you any more locomotion similes (see your friends Capricorn, Pisces, and Aquarius) and get straight to the point: Your reputation is hanging in the balance. Don’t do anything — or anyone — stupid this week.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Things are not likely to go your way in the romance department this week. If love is a battleship and sex is a fast car and going on a date is a bicycle — well, let’s just say you should be walking everywhere for the next few days.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Public transportation is often cheap, dirty and boring. Sex with strangers is often the same way. Travel in (and with) style this week — hell, this year.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
This week, you’ll have to grease the wheels, rev up the engine, and kick it into high gear to get the affection you crave. You may even want to splurge on super unleaded gas and an E-Z Pass. Who knows, you may end up getting lucky in the back seat.

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Your Weekly Stars: 08-18-14 (Grease Week) http://www.emandlo.com/2014/08/your-weekly-stars-08-18-14-grease-week/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/08/your-weekly-stars-08-18-14-grease-week/#comments Mon, 18 Aug 2014 11:00:56 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=29468 photo via Flickr

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
There are two schools of thought when it comes to the school dance: Cling to the wall until you spy the perfect Astaire to your Rogers, or get on the dance floor asap and shake your thang while you wait. Remember the dance-off scene in Grease? Yeah, Sandy didn’t go home with Danny that night, did she? Nope, he hooked up with the bad girl (who, hello, looked about thirty-five!) from the next town over who was dirty dancing right next to them with his best friend.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Don’t be too quick to make excuses for your partner. As Frenchy advised a lovelorn Sandy, men can be dogs (women, too). Worse than that, fleas on dogs. Worse than that, amoebas on fleas on dogs, so lowly even the dogs won’t bite them. Have a quiet one this week and enjoy some nights in with the gang.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You’ve got chills, they’re multiplying. And you’re losing control. ‘Cause the power s/he’s supplying, it’s electrifying. Go with the electric flow this week —- let someone know that they’re the one that you want. Ooh, ooh, ooh. Honey.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Don’t take a Scorpion (not to be confused with a Scorpio) to the high school dance just because your original date fell through. Scorpions may have hot cars, but most of them are ugly and pockmarked on the inside. Stay on your own turf.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Talking can be so futile, which is why all the characters in Grease spend so much time singing and dancing. No one’s ever made a soundtrack of the inane dialogue in that flick for a reason. Come up with your own musical number this week —- make it catchy and flashy, play out to the rafters, do the hand jive, etc.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Back down a little. Your aggressive nature is likely to get you into trouble this week. Let your partner set the standards for a change. Otherwise, you might find yourself stranded at the drive-in, branded a fool. And then what will they say, Monday at school?

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
So, you’re hopelessly devoted, eh? Don’t wallow in your crush while wearing a flowery nightgown and writing sappy love letters that you’ll never send. Instead, be like Rizzo and shimmy down the drainpipe to get your kicks while you’re still young enough to get them.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
When everyone is whining about what a hunk of junk Kenickie’s new automotive purchase is, Danny convinces the crew —- with pelvic thrusts and dirty talk -— that the car could be systematic, automatic, and hydromatic (whatever the hell that means). Use your powers of persuasion this week to get people interested in your own greased lightnin’.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
There are worse things you could do, than go with a boy or two. Sure, but there are better things, too —- like using your brain for a change.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
We know it’s tempting to suggest your partner try a Sandy makeover (the nights you’ve spent wishing they’d show up with big hair and rip your cardigan right off). But this week, try to remember that he or she is not your Barbie or Ken to play dress-up with —- do your best to enjoy them just the way they are. Dorky bangs and all.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
It’s a bomb to Kenickie’s delicate ego when Rizzo tells him her potential pregnancy is “somebody else’s mistake.” If you don’t treat your own partner with more sensitivity than that, you risk ruining your happy ending at the graduation carnival.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Your actions will be all it will take to win your lover’s affection. So either letter in track like Danny Zuko, or become a black spandex-wearing slut like Sandy Olsson.

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