Em & Lo: Sex. Love. And Everything in Between. » Horoscopes http://www.emandlo.com Your daily dose of advice, news, and stories about sex, love, and other important stuff. No yoga mat required. Wed, 23 Jul 2014 11:05:18 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 Your Weekly Stars: 07-21-14 http://www.emandlo.com/2014/07/your-weekly-stars-07-21-14/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/07/your-weekly-stars-07-21-14/#comments Sun, 20 Jul 2014 11:00:36 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=29430 grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Keep yourself busy this week. And we don’t mean by re-organizing your sock drawer or checking out your Netflix Suggested Viewing. Go out on the town, wine, dine, take in the sights, absorb some local culture, flirt, shake your groove thang, sing karaoke, make out in dark corners. You’re much hotter when you’re cooking something up than when you just order in.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You’ll just want to cozy up with your hon and a home-cooked meal, maybe a couple of DVDs. You’ll feel like staying at home, kicking back and knockin’ some boots. Or maybe you’ll be up for a weekend getaway, just the two of you. Fuggetaboudit. Your hon isn’t going to be on the same page this week.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Don’t lie this week. Just be honest. It truly is the best policy (except when faced with questions like “Do I look fat?” or “Is my penis too small?”).

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
They’re called standards. Get some this week.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
“[We] know something about love: you gotta take it and show him what the world is made of — one kiss will prove it. If you want him to be always by your side, take his hand tonight, swallow your foolish pride and tell him that you’re never gonna leave him, tell him that you’re always gonna love him, tell him, tell him, tell him, tell him right now.”*

*If necessary, feel free to replace the words “him” with “her” and “love” with “sex.”

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
When you have a hot date, you shave, maybe buy a new shirt, put on your best underwear, clean your apartment . . . just in case. But admit it: it’s a bit of a ruse. Most of your underwear is worn and torn, and stubble is a way of life for you. We’re not suggesting you shouldn’t bother showering before you go out, just make sure you’re not pretending to be someone you’re not for the sake of impressing another this week.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Isn’t it always the way? You fall hard for someone and they’re emotionally unavailable. Someone digs your scene and you couldn’t care less. The imbalance of romantic power — or “hand,” as George Castanza said: seriously, did you know he, like, invented the concept?! — has got to be one of Murphy’s Laws. This week, you’ll have mad hand. Just be sure you don’t rip out someone’s heart with it.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Take that special someone to the boardwalk this week. Take a day off work if you have to. Ride the ferris wheel, slip down the water slide, eat chocolate-covered, frozen bananas on a stick. There’s nothing like getting sand in your pants to bring two people closer together.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Don’t go swimming too soon after you’ve had a feast of the eyes.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Do the Wonder Twins stand around discussing what they’re going to do and how they’re feeling about each and every situation? No. They pick a form and they commit to it. They act. This week, let your Wonder Twin powers activate!

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Don’t be surprised if any of the following somehow creep up in conversation this week: “If you won’t marry me, I’ll go gay”; “If you leave, I’ll shave my cat”; “If we can’t have sex every day, I’ll bonk our mail carrier”; “If you don’t start using deodorant, I’ll vote Republican. ” Don’t get bullied by ultimatums — giving into them doesn’t help anyone. Except the Republicans. And the mail carrier.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Jealous feelings are about as reliable as a used car dealer. You’d research a second-hand car before plonking down your three hundred bucks, right? So, before you let the green monster out of the cage, do a little research first. Chances are, you just don’t have all the facts regarding a certain someone you are rather fond of. And if you’re right, hell, unleash the ugly beast.

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Your Weekly Stars: 07-14-14 http://www.emandlo.com/2014/07/your-weekly-stars-07-14-14/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/07/your-weekly-stars-07-14-14/#comments Mon, 14 Jul 2014 11:00:29 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=29429 grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Anxiety is about as sexy as spinach in your teeth, bad breath, and a root canal. (Don’t even try to figure out what all the mouth imagery means. ) If you want to get laid anytime soon, do whatever it takes to remove the sources of anxiety from your life. At least, do whatever’s legal.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
So, it’s the middle of July and you haven’t been laid in how long? You’re overthinking everything, that’s your problem. This is not rocket science (just look at all the idiots out there getting laid on a daily basis); this is summer-fling sex. And you, our friend, are not getting any — or at least not as much as you should. Shut down your brain and let a few other organs lead the way this week.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
We didn’t do so well in Economics 101, but you don’t have to be Warren Buffett to understand the concept of supply and demand. Lately, you’ve been flooding the market with what you’ve got to offer, and consequently, consumer demand has plummeted. Make yourself scarce for a week and demand is sure to rise.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Look, you can’t get something for nothing. If you want to receive, then you’ve got to give. Enough with the mysterious act. Stop playing it safe. Don’t be afraid. Just dress up as a goat in heat like your partner has been requesting, and then you’ll get all the nookie you’ve been aching for.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
If sex is a tall glass of water, then you’re probably feeling like an Arab on sabbatical in the Sahara these days. But try to resist drinking from the first pond you stumble upon — it’s likely just a mirage. Make like a camel and rely on your own resources for satiation. You’ll reach the blue lagoon soon enough.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
The trouble with ultimatums is that sometimes your bluff is called. So when you tell your partner, “Either I go or the monkey in diapers goes,” be sure you’ve got your bags packed, just in case.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Oh, you so horny. Oh, oh, you so horny. Oh, you so horny. You love s/he long time.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
No means no, especially when you ask your partner if they’d mind donning a Stetson and yelling, “Ride me cowboy!” during sex. Sure, you could always lasso them in and force them to play along, but in the long run you’ll be riding without a pardner. Remember, the midnight cowboy rides alone.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You’ve got your head up your ass. Ask a good friend for directions about your love life. Better yet, ask them how to get your head out of your ass.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
What is it about the V.I.P. room? Okay, so maybe it’s the free champagne, the half-dressed hotties, and the heavy dose of exclusivity (the ultimate aphrodisiac). Plus — oooh look, there’s Justin Bieber! This week, you’ll have no problem talking your way into the V.I.P. booty room — but are you sure you’re ready to follow through? Don’t waste your time (and your tightly rolled fifty-dollar bills) sweet-talking your way into something (or someone) if you’d rather be home playing board games. (Don’t deny it, we know how hot Scrabble gets you.)

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
This week, push won’t come to shove; push will come to your sorry ass alone and depressed in an empty apartment with no one to screw. Keep your hands to yourself for a while.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
This week the stars and planets said, “Don’t get involved with someone for the wrong reasons.” Duh. Like there’s ever a good time to get involved with someone for the wrong reasons. We’re giving the stars the benefit of the doubt and assuming they meant to suggest that this week you’re particularly prone to getting involved with someone for the wrong reasons, whatever those wrong reasons may be (clinical depression, financial gain, sexual desperation). But hey, acknowledging the problem is half the battle.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 07-07-14 http://www.emandlo.com/2014/07/your-weekly-horoscopes-07-07-14/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/07/your-weekly-horoscopes-07-07-14/#comments Mon, 07 Jul 2014 11:59:37 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=28830 grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Anxiety is about as sexy as spinach in your teeth, bad breath and a root canal. (Don’t even try to figure out what all the mouth imagery means. ) If you want to hook up anytime soon, do whatever it takes to remove the sources of anxiety from your life.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Sure, go right ahead and open your heart to that hottie you just met. Tell them all your hopes and dreams; admit to your deepest, darkest secrets; invite them home to meet your weird parents; leave a toothbrush in their bathroom; ask them their opinion on joint checking accounts. Just don’t come crying to us when that hottie departs so fast they leave skid marks.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Someone you meet this week could turn out to be Mr. or Mrs. Right. But our lawyers insist that we also mention that this Mr. or Mrs. may also have any of the following: a criminal record (don’t worry, it’s probably just forgery or something); an affinity for fart jokes; a naive belief in email chain letter good luck charms; body odor; mother “issues”; weird hair; and/or a tendency to overuse the phrase “pardon my French.”

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Unclench your fists, stop grinding your teeth, and quit squeezing your butt cheeks. Take a yoga class. Drink some herbal tea. Do something. This tense organizational energy may have helped you trap a hottie, but keep it up and they’re going to start gnawing their own leg off just to get away from your uptight ass.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You have free reign this week. You can do whatever you want and you’ll pretty much get a favorable response. But let’s not take this too literally, people. Picking your nose in public and without shame on a first date probably won’t guarantee you a second, even though the stars are shining on you right now. However, accidentally tooting in front of a new partner will most likely only endear you to them. Appreciate your power, don’t abuse it.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
So you’re tired of being lonely? Welcome to the club — you get a special hat and everything. The rules of Lonely Club are as follows: 1. You don’t talk about Lonely Club (especially to unsuspecting bartenders after one too many white wine spritzers). 2. You don’t try to leave Lonely Club by sleeping with someone, unless said person is also a member of Lonely Club. 3. You don’t talk about Lonely Club (except to your therapist, priest, or best friend).

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
The stars say pleasant surprises are in the air if you just go on that online or blind date this week. They say if you go with the flow you will find yourself in a very interesting position regarding love. We would add: like doggie or the wheelbarrow.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
According to the stars, you’ll be so sensual this week that it will be difficult for anyone not to notice you. Apparently now is the time to make your move if someone interests you. That’s great news, but can we make a few requests while you go about being all sensual? Try not to overdose on the musk fragrance, try not to be “sensual” in a crowded elevator (personal space, people!), and if you’re going to have sex to Kenny G, will you at least play his most recent album? That’s our favorite.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You will be full of great ideas this week. If you are on the go all the time, however, it will be difficult for those interested in you to keep up. Stop and smell the rose-scented shampoo in your lover’s locks.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Be eager to please this week. Not in a mushy, where’s-my-self-worth kind of way — more like a helpful, polite, unselfish kind of way. Because we don’t care what the reports say: mushy, where’s-my-self-worth people don’t get laid; helpful, polite, unselfish people do.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Hmmm. The stars say that you will attract any lover you want this week. But frankly, we think that’s going a bit too far. Any lover you want? Come on. We doubt you’ll be able to hook up with, say, a Calvin Klein model or Pat from Marketing — way out of your league. But perhaps the stars meant to say that the person or the thing that you’ve been craving recently can finally be yours this week if you just try to grab it. That sounds much more reasonable, don’t you think?

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You’re on the verge of a whirlwind romance. Lucky you!

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: Independence Day Edition! http://www.emandlo.com/2014/06/your-weekly-horoscopes-independence-day-edition/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/06/your-weekly-horoscopes-independence-day-edition/#comments Mon, 30 Jun 2014 11:58:24 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=28828

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Sign your Declaration of lnfatuation already and distribute it to the object of your infatuation. You’re guaranteed at least 200 years of love.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You’re like the ice cream man at the town park in humid 80-degree heat: everyone wants a piece of you. Be careful who you give licks to.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Take this holiday off just to pamper yourself and relax. Don’t worry about going to all the best BBQs or getting a great tan or finding the best American flag shirt with matching slacks. Even if you just stay in and catch up on all that Tivo’d Frontline you’ve been meaning to watch, that’s patriotic enough. What this has to do with love, we have no clue.


cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Open your eyes. You are missing opportunities that should not be passed by. Like finding love. Or checking out those giant 3-D fireworks in the shape of stars, flags, boobies…

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
As hard as you try, you just won’t be able to cut it if you are pushy, aggressive or the least bit overbearing — you know, like the British were with their friggin tea tax. A little space, less possessiveness and more trust will be what is required if you want to score.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
A long-distance affair will be enticing, captivating and probably lead you to the airport. Have fun but don’t be too quick to make a commitment. You need your independence.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Make a little room on your beach blanket for someone who wants to play bingo with you or you may discover that this person will kick sand in your face as they walk away to play with someone else’s beach balls.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Love interests are like Fourth of July parties: you’ll have plenty to choose from this week but if you try to juggle too many you may end up missing the best one.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Practice safe sex this Fourth: Wrap up your firecracker or else you might end up with some third-degree burns on your naughty bits.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
The skies are clear so you can set your love rockets off. They should go off without a hitch. Expect lots of oooh-ing and ah-ing.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Take a pass on playing with bottle rockets this week. You’ll probably end up blowing your hand off…making self-love that much more difficult.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You will be impossible to ignore or resist this week Take a chance and pursue the person who is most interesting yet difficult to get to know and you will be successful. It’s your turn to shine and sizzle, like a sparkler at night, not like a greasy strip of fatty bacon.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 06-23-14 http://www.emandlo.com/2014/06/your-weekly-horoscopes-06-23-14/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/06/your-weekly-horoscopes-06-23-14/#comments Mon, 23 Jun 2014 11:57:16 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=28825 grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
When Billy Ocean told that woman to “get out of my dreams and into my car,” it was kind of endearing. But on you, it just looks like stalking.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Okay, this week, you’re Kim Basinger in 9 and 1/2 Weeks. You’re about to meet Mickey Rourke. It’ll be totally hot: Your partner will be bold, aggressive, domineering, there will be some late night nookie in front of the fridge, a little strip-teasing, some cross-dressing. It will be exciting . . . for a while, but then you’ll start to wonder where you fit in, you’ll question who you really are and what you want out of this relationship. You’ll see the future, and Mickey’s fat, drunk, overly nipped-and-tucked face does not look bright. You’ll get bored, and you’ll realize it’s time to move on. So, when you meet your Mickey this week, shake hands and just walk away, because you already know how the movie ends.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
The karma boomerang will be in full effect this week: Get out and do something for your community (or at least donate some cold hard cash to a worthy cause) and you may meet a honey in the course of making this world a better place.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Oh, Cancer, be-have! Actually, don’t, we love it when you’re naughty like that. Most of all, we love your perspective: You don’t see a roomful of strangers at a party, you see a roomful of people you haven’t yet flirted with. But remember, like attracts like: If you morph overnight from sexual aggressor into clingy relationship-hound, chances are you won’t get breakfast in bed.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You’ll be like that Snuggle teddy bear this week — all cute and warm and, well, snuggly. Someone will actually find this endearing. Someone else will understandably find it nauseating. Your trick is to figure out who’s who. Shouldn’t be too hard — just stay away from those who turn a greener shade of pea soup when you start getting “precious.”

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Look, just because you had three cups of coffee for breakfast and a bowl of sugar for lunch, doesn’t mean the rest of us are as excitable and hyperactive as you. Put a helmet on before you hurt yourself. Better yet, offer the person you’re throwing yourself at a helmet. Better yet, keep the helmet because you’re gonna need it when they drop you to the curb.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You know how when you get drunk so you’ll feel better, you always feel doubly bad the next morning — depressed and hungover? Well, slumming it in the sack just ’cause you’re lonely is the same thing. There, there, it’s going to be alright. Come here and give your Auntie Em and Auntie Lo a big hug. Next week things will all be (slightly) better.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Do it! What are you waiting for?! Act now! Don’t hesitate! Hurry, hurry! It’s do or die! Jump in with both feet! The early bird gets the worm! Why are we shouting?!

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You should prepare to have a good time this week. Of course, “good time” is a very personal, subjective thing, and so is prepping for it. If your idea of a good time is winning at Connect 4, then don’t bother shaving your naughty bits. There’s a vice versa in there somewhere, but it makes us blush just to think about it.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
In the past, fidelity came easy to you: It was hard enough just finding one person who wanted to sleep with you. You may have thought you were this sweet, loyal boyfriend or girlfriend, but you were actually just blessed by circumstance. Now comes the true test with multiple love options this week. If you’re going to juggle, don’t lie about it. It’ll backfire and then you’ll have no one to sleep with and you’ll be a bad person.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
It’s hard to let go of a grudge sometimes. We’re gluttons for punishment — yeah, the punishment of others. It’s a very selfish, very satisfying thing. But if you don’t let go of your latest grudge, it may get in the way of you getting laid. Forgiveness can be a totally selfish act, too. Yippee!

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
A relationship that goes from zero to sixty in the blink of an eye is just as likely to hit the wall at sixty and crash and burn. Consider yourself warned. If you’re not prepared to give up reckless driving just yet, then at least fasten your seatbelt.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 06-16-14 http://www.emandlo.com/2014/06/your-weekly-horoscopes-06-16-14/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/06/your-weekly-horoscopes-06-16-14/#comments Mon, 16 Jun 2014 11:56:09 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=28823 grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
If you’re the last person on earth to not use Facebook, then sign up already: Someone from your past is still as interested in you as you are in him or her. See, reunions are good for more than just getting loaded or exacting revenge.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
If we were hired as consultants for your love life, we’d advise you to put together a spreadsheet of your most recent ten relationships and compare and contrast what went wrong, what went right, and which haircut netted you the most appropriate partner. Then we’d advise you to apply that knowledge to your current romantic options. And then we’d send you a big fat bill. Consider yourself blessed that we dispense all this wisdom for free.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
This week, self-improvement projects and a little time in the front of the mirror will do your love life good. Now, we’re not suggesting you apply for one of those makeover reality TV shows. Just don’t wear the same shirt more than two days in a row, wash your hair before it starts to smell like hair, and for god’s sake throw out those pants with the hole in the butt!

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Don’t forget your manners this week: Say please, say thank you, say “that’s a nice hat,” and above all say “you first.”

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You’re needier than a pound of flour handed out in junior high sex ed class. No one wants to burp and feed you… unless you’re paying them. So grow up and pretend to act all nonchalant like the rest of us mature jerks.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Your horoscope this week may sound overly motherly — but then again, mothers do know a thing or two about a thing or two. So here we go: Get out and socialize! You never know who you might meet! You’re so special, someone will notice that soon enough! Dear old mother, always putting a positive spin on things — she doesn’t see personality tics, eye twitches, or fashion emergencies; she sees only your “color.” So get out there and act like everyone loves you as much as your momma does; the confidence boost alone should get you a date.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Romantic opportunities with a domesticated animal will present themselves. Tempting as they may be, you should not take them. Instead, focus on your own species by using your rational mind: Analyze what it is the person you fancy enjoys, and then make a calculating move. After all, there’s a reason why pets don’t play chess. Then again, there’s a reason why chess geeks don’t get laid. Find a happy medium between cold intellectual and depraved zoophile.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Make it known that you are available and the rest, as they say, will be history. Of course, knowing how to convey “available” is a fine and subtle art few of us can master. Non-verbal expressions of “I’m available” are frequently misread as “I’m easy” (and not in that like-Sunday-morning kind of way). So keep it simple: Maintain eye contact, laugh at their jokes, invite them to that knitters’ convention in Atlantic City, etc.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
If Sundays were made for the New York Times, then this week was made for you making your move…so long as “your move” is not doing “the tuck” a la Silence of the Lambs in crowded bars.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Stay calm. We know the game of love is fraught with lies, damn lies, and the lying liars who tell them, but sometimes you’ve just got to be a little zen about it all. This week, if you can’t beat ‘em, then just beat ‘em off.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
We hate it when the stars ask us to pass on this kind of lame advice, but what can we do, we’re just the messengers: You will attract someone other than the person you’re really interested in, but if you pretend to be interested in this new third party, it will only make you more attractive to the person you’re interested in, you follow? Sometimes we swear the stars are just the two idiots who wrote “The Rules.”

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
This week, you will light up any room you enter with your magical body language. And if you can say that out loud with a straight face, you’re a better person than we are. Hey, don’t forget your fairy dust and balloon scuplting kit!

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 06-09-14 http://www.emandlo.com/2014/06/your-weekly-horoscopes-06-09-14/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/06/your-weekly-horoscopes-06-09-14/#comments Mon, 09 Jun 2014 11:20:17 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=28821 grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Oh, Aquarius, you’re a fool for love. It’s kind of cute when Meg Ryan does it, but on you, it just looks pathetic. Walk away from love before it walks all over you, leaving nothing but a set of muddy footprints.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
The star quarterback and the captain of the cheerleading team ain’t all that. They never are. Turn your attentions to a geek in the debate club, or the brooding artist loner who hangs out in the studio after school. They’re the ones who know where to find all the dirty books in the public library and are therefore the most skilled.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
The stars tell us you’ll be able to talk your way into anyone’s heart. They say nothing of talking your way into someone’s pants. But considering you’re a fine candidate for love, that shouldn’t be too difficult for you. Don’t let your good intentions get in the way when the belts start unbuckling.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
When in doubt, pick the one who laughs at your jokes.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You’ll find yourself hitting the gas pedal instead of the brake — and vice versa — all week. Bummer, dude. Fortunately, we’re speaking purely metaphorically, so little old ladies and cute puppies are safe for now. Unfortunately, it’s up to you to figure out what the metaphor means for your love life. Hey, this is one-size-fits-all astrology, people, we can’t be expected to do all the work.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Take a leap of faith and let a friend set you up with someone you don’t know. A friend like Online Personals. Personals will support you, help you through this time of need, and never judge you (even if you make an ass of yourself on a blind date). Like a good neighbor, the Personals are always there for you, day or night. . . or even early morning when you’ve stumbled home sloshed out of your mind and you’re suddenly struck with the brilliant idea of trying to pour your soul out online. So what are you waiting for? Start drinking and get typing!

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Think of all this alone time as one of those “personal growth experiences.” Take long introspective walks in the rain, buy a single can of beer at the deli for must-see TV night, write a poem about your feelings, listen to Enya. And don’t forget to thank goodness for Magic Wands.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
While it might be true that the more people you have sex with, the more likely you are to fall in love with someone you have sex with (hey, love can be a numbers game, too), it’s not necessarily the healthiest approach — mentally, physically, karmically, etc. Think about this: The more people you meet, the more likely you are to fall in love with someone you meet, too. So you don’t actually have to have sex with all of them. Got it, Einstein?

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Just try to be a good person this week. We know, it’s hard, and you’d rather put yourself first, think the worst of everyone, huff and puff at people getting in your way on the subway, complain that your lover never tickles your back, etc, etc. But just give yourself a week — okay, a day — to be kind to strangers, bite your tongue when you feel yourself start to bitch, and just be a giver in bed. This has nothing to do with your horoscope (’cause, trust us, your horoscope was super boring), but if you take our advice, we’re sure you’ll have a great week!

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Cut to the chase; gone in sixty seconds. And no, we’re not talking about that atrocious Nic Cage/Angelina Jolie movie, we’re talking about your love life. Once you’ve wrapped someone around your little pinkie, you don’t even stick around long enough to find out all the fun things you could do to them with that little pinkie. All we can say is: You don’t know what you’re missing. (And wash your hands after shaking hands with strangers.)

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You’re gonna mess it up this week.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
The ball is in your court — hit it back, or put it in your pocket. Your call.
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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 06-02-2014 http://www.emandlo.com/2014/06/your-weekly-horoscopes-06-02-2014/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/06/your-weekly-horoscopes-06-02-2014/#comments Mon, 02 Jun 2014 11:10:33 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=28819 grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Your needs may not be fulfilled if you have tunnel vision regarding the likes and dislikes of someone you are attracted to. (You want to catch Chinese art exhibit at the Met, they want to stay home and watch all the Harry Potter movies back to back.) Being pushy will backfire and leave you in an uncertain and awkward position. (You standing alone in front of a swatch of Burberry while your date absconds with the museum’s hot coat-check clerk.)

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You’ll be eager to try new things, however you must not take chances that could affect your health: not using condoms, falling in love with a serial killer, losing your dignity at Karaoke Night (oh, it happens). Play it safe this week, or you may never get to play again. (Cue the scary, dramatic music.)

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You may not recognize the opportunities that are present regarding a potential partner: they’re looking to cash in their V card; they just got dumped and are going to be in serious need of a rebound; they’ve told you flat out they want to have your babies. Hello, wake up and smell the love!

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
If you get tied up with one partner you may miss out meeting Mr. or Ms. Right…because you’ll be handcuffed to the bedposts without a key and won’t be able to go anywhere until the firefighters come with metal sheers to free you. Hmmm, meeting the person of your dreams or having a hilarious kinky sex story to tell at dinner parties for the rest of your life. It’s quite a toss up, really.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You should get into lengthy conversations with a potential partner before deciding to become intimate. You may have a change of heart, leaving you in an awkward position if you have already made promises…or made embarrassing cow noises in front of each other.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
If you don’t get to know someone who has been coming on to you first you may only have a physical relationship with him or her as time passes by. We can hear you already: “And this is a problem how…?”

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
We have three words for you: “More Than Words.”

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Someone who has been showing interest in you personally may not be the right partner. Don’t settle for anyone who doesn’t fill your needs or your orifices. Hold out for the very best, even if it just seems like the very best you can get right now is just a Magic Wand.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Excitement and adventure will be your game. And a worthy opponent will try to capture your flag… and your heart. There will be no losers this week. Only bad metaphors.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You will find it difficult to understand what a potential partner wants from you. You are best to observe his or her likes and dislikes before you make a move. If he or she likes Spam, Dick Cheney or John Tesh and dislikes “The Office,” kittens or irony, you may want to take a pass and move on.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
The brutal truth: If you try to win someone with witty conversation this week you are likely to end up all alone. So just shut up and look pretty. P.S. We’re hard on you because we care.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You’ll be in a serious mood regarding love. Your interest in someone who is like-minded should be taken one step further. Tell him or her how you feel and what your intentions are. Try to have more of a sense of humor than this horoscope does.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 05-27-14 http://www.emandlo.com/2014/05/your-weekly-horoscopes-05-27-14/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/05/your-weekly-horoscopes-05-27-14/#comments Tue, 27 May 2014 11:00:49 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=28817 grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
According to the stars, “a one-on-one relationship will be too confining for you this week.” If you’ve been waiting for an astrological go-ahead for a three-way, this is it, baby. Three’s your magic number! But if a Jane and Dick and Jane (or Dick and Dick and Dick) scenario isn’t your thing, then we suggest you spend the time in the company of some good friends. You can hit the sheets again next week, when your one-on-one mojo will be back in working order.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Someone you meet this week will lead you into new territory (perhaps the third orifice?) when it comes to letting go of your inhibitions (you’re so anal retentive) and letting the adventurous (a.k.a. ass-kinky) side of you unfold. Relax (your sphincter) and enjoy the ride (cowboy).

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
If you’re looking for emotional and financial security, you’ll find it this week. But be careful what you wish for. That security may come at the expense of your freedom. Sure, you may have the means to fly off to Aruba at a moment’s notice, but nobody good to share it with.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Florence Nightingale’s got nothing on you. Your touch is more soothing than aloe, your voice more comforting than a cool wash cloth, your smell better than Vick’s Vapo-Rub. Even if the object of your care isn’t sick as a dog, their rattled nerves will appreciate the attention. Then it’ll be time for the sponge bath!

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
How does that picket fence feel crammed up your tush? Not so great, eh? Well, that’s what you get for being indecisive. You’ll also get someone who may have been a great partner (or at least a great lay) walking out on you. But that’s okay, you’ve got a lot of things going on right now — like having anal sex with fences.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You’re gonna be smooth like butter this week. Better yet, you’re gonna be smooth like Fleischmann’s Light margarine spread. Have you ever felt that stuff? It’s so silky, so creamy, we swear you’ll want to get some vinyl sheets from the incontinence aisle at your drug store, open a tub of the marge, get naked with someone, and start buttering each other up like two slices of banana bread. Hey, maybe that could be the “creative approach to getting to know someone better” the stars recommend this week.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Do you ever slow down, Libra? Even just to pee? How is life in the fast lane, anyway? We’ve always been curious, but we’re too friggin’ out of shape to find out. You’ve got so much good stuff going on that everyone wants to be by your side. We hope at least one of them can keep up.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Your kindness, consideration, and generosity of spirit are easy pickin’s for the ruthless, conniving, and deceitful. Like a poor little defenseless piggy, you’re ripe for becoming some sexy wolf’s chew toy. Build a house made of cynicism and paranoia this week; you can always take it down later, once you’ve made sure your lovers are de-clawed.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
This week, karma is your friend. Do unto others as you would have done unto yourself. And no, we’re not taking about bum love. We’re talking about helping out your single friends, especially those who have been enduring a particularly extended dry spell. We can’t tell you exactly how, when, or where (that would be kind of scary), but in the course of helping out a buddy this week, you might just get laid with a little help from your friends.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Don’t be afraid of change. Now is the time to let go of the past and move toward the future. Perhaps the future has kabuki, or activism, or BDSM, or underwater basket weaving in it. Whatever change you make will be good for your sex life, even if it’s only to make you less bored with yourself so you’re interested in self-diddling again.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Whoa, Nellie. You’ve been wooing with the tenacity of a paparazzi photographer of late. Hang back a little, play it cool — that hottie is not quite ready for their close-up with you yet.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
It’s true, you’re a giver. You give to your significant other, your best friend, your work colleague, your every-other-wednesday afternoon, your ex, your eye doctor, and pretty much anyone else who’s a sucker for your “charms.” If it’s true you’ve got to give to receive, then you’re well on your way to receiving plenty — like a slap in the face, an unexpected pregnancy, an STD, a lawsuit, you name it. You may want to rethink your generosity.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 05-19-14 http://www.emandlo.com/2014/05/your-weekly-horoscopes-05-19-14/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/05/your-weekly-horoscopes-05-19-14/#comments Mon, 19 May 2014 20:07:56 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=28749 grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Omigod, it so totally worked! Your new Urban Outfitters alterna-wardrobe has totally given you this new mysterious air, and don’t think the alterna-hotties haven’t noticed. They’ll be lining up to write angst-filled sonnets dedicated to you. Now you won’t even have to smoke to look cool!

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
There comes a time in everyone’s life when there’s only one place to turn for advice — a Bette Midler movie. Your time has come: Your life lessons for the week are to be found in Beaches. (Oh, who are we kidding: When you’re looking for advice in a Bette Midler movie, it’s Beaches or nothing. ) So anyway, there’s this three-hanky scene where Bette’s mom asks her, “Why’d you leave your husband?” and Bette replies, “Because he stopped paying attention to me.” And good old mom launches into this whole long speech about love and giving and sacrifice and compromise, and how, if you go through life expecting people to pay attention to your needs all the time, eventually you’ll just wear everyone out and die alone. So there you have it.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Do you ever feel like everyone’s getting a little somefin’ somefin’ except you? Yeah, well maybe that’s because everyone else is putting a little effort in. You can’t just sit at home and wait for booty to ring the doorbell. Unless you want to make it with a Jehovah’s Witness. And it’s highly unlikely they’re going to accept your advances.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Be a go-getter. Close the deal. Make the sale. Visualize success. Be in it for the long haul. Be the ball. Do everything those Motivational Posters tell you to do, except do it in the bedroom. Now who’s the boss of you, huh?

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Even if someone offered you a thousand bucks to put a cork in it this week, you’d be hard pressed to keep your mouth shut. It’s okay, everyone suffers the occasional bout of verbal diarrhea. Personally, it’d drive us nuts, but we don’t have to share a cubicle with you, and we certainly have no plans to swap spit with you. And lucky for you, there’s someone out there who doesn’t want you to put a cork in it — in fact, they consider your bubbling to be pure Veuve Cliquot. They’re dying to swap spit with you. . . and they might even be the very same person you share a cubicle with. Chance in a million, but we thought it was worth mentioning.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You’ve heard it before: Relationships take work. But it seems like you’ve been doing all the heavy lifting lately. Where’s your beloved? Probably out back working on their tan. If you’re going to get this house o’ love built, you’ve got to get your partner off their butt. If not, it’ll be time to give up and just pitch a tent on your own.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Looking into our crystal balls, we see. . . lots of spermatozoa! Okay, okay, not what you we’re looking for. Looking into our crystal ball (singular), we see you in a relationship, a rather ho hum relationship. We see you feeling trapped, closed in, claustrophic. We see you jumping out the window for some “fresh air.” But it’s a long way down and, unlike cats, you don’t bounce. Take your fate in your own hands and walk out the front door with dignity (and your derrière)  intact.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Being mysterious does not mean giving vague, coy answers to questions posed by potential suitors. Nor does it mean reading Mary Higgins Clark on the subway. Nor does it mean wearing a cape. No, being mysterious means leaving a little something to the imagination, not oversharing, and keeping your pants on for more than ten hours. This week, be a puzzle wrapped in a enigma that someone will want to bother unwrapping.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Just because someone asks to borrow your notes from Physics doesn’t mean they want to have your baby.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Secret affairs are sexy and exciting and dangerous and thrilling . . . on the surface. But at their very core, by their very nature, they are based on lies and fear and deceit and mistrust. Are we right or are we right? Do you want to be superficial or deep? That’s what we thought.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
We don’t have to tell you that there are at least fifty ways to leave your lover: what you might need reminding of is why you should consider making a new plan, Stan. Everyone needs to lean on their loved one every now and again, but your partner has been subsidizing you for too long. Whether that subsidy is financial or emotional we can’t say (the stars were a little unclear on that point) but we do know that it’s time to pull a Paul Simon and go solo.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Say what you mean and mean what you say. Honesty is the best policy. Don’t keep things bottled up inside. Express yourself. Open the doors of communication. Pour out your heart and soul. Spill your guts.

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