Em & Lo: Sex. Love. And Everything in Between. » Horoscopes http://www.emandlo.com Your daily dose of advice, news, and stories about sex, love, and other important stuff. No yoga mat required. Fri, 30 Jan 2015 16:34:19 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 Your Weekly Horoscopes: January 26, 2015 http://www.emandlo.com/2015/01/your-weekly-horoscopes-january-26-2015/ http://www.emandlo.com/2015/01/your-weekly-horoscopes-january-26-2015/#comments Mon, 26 Jan 2015 14:03:59 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=31577 grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Don’t you hate it when terribly clever people say terribly unexpected things like “Your biggest sexual organ is. . . your brain”? Then they smile at you coyly, expecting some kind of facial reaction from you to confirm that they have indeed rocked your world. Damn pseudo-intellectual pop-psychologists. We wouldn’t dream of stooping to such pat drivel, but we will say that thinking before you speak could be the difference between playing with someone else’s smaller sexual organ and playing with yours alone.

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Anyone who judges you by the size of your wallet (or any other body part) doesn’t deserve the great oral sex you give.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Don’t let your genitals do the decision making this week.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
How do you expect your partner know where you stand when you keep moving around the chessboard of love without following any of the rules? Don’t rush, take turns making moves, and don’t jump anyone you’re not supposed to. Otherwise, you’ll end up playing with yourself.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Okay, this week’s horoscope comes in the form of a pop quiz. Question one: Did you spend last Friday night sitting at home for a Meg Ryan movie marathon, wondering how many more sleepless nights in Seattle you’ll have to spend before meeting your Harry? Question two: Has anyone ever used the phrase “serial monogamist” to describe your dating habits? Question three: Would going to a movie alone make you feel like a big fat dork? Question four: Was college the last time you made a booty call? If you answered “yes” to at least two of these questions, then you might want to seriously consider your motivations before entering a new relationship. Are you sure you’re really into him/her and not just a little, uh, desperate?

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Let’s get touchy-feely, shall we? Even though it’s cliche, the earnest sex gurus are right: We must openly communicate our needs and desires to our partners without shame, and without hysterically cracking up or running to the bathroom to hide. So what if it’s out of character for you; that strong and silent routine is only sexy for so long. Open up, share with group, and those fantasies in your head might come true. And yes, we’d like some wine with that cheese.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Call us crazy, but we see a high correlation between givers in the community and givers in bed. Think about it: Is that guy who plays bingo with the old folks for three hours every Saturday afternoon really going to withold oral attention because it’s too one-sides? And is the gal who gives up her Friday nights to serve in a soup kitchen likely to be someone who doesn’t believe in reciprocity? So what we’re saying is, think globally, act locally, and reap the benefits later. Aw yeah.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. But it’s better to have never loved at all than to lie and say “I love you” when you surely don’t mean it. There are better ways to get them off your back. Like, say . . . oh, we don’t know . . . breaking up with them. Too harsh? Okay, okay, you don’t have to be in love with someone to date them — duh — but you can’t fake them out either. That’s just wrong, like, leggings-for-men wrong.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
We hate to break it to you, but there are people out there who will find your exhaustive bedroom banter and playful manner just plain exhausting. Pick partners who’ll appreciate it when you spontaneously break into dirty Ovid verse or bring out the ping pong paddle. Surround yourself with people who can keep up and can keep it up.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
This week, it’s all about the subtle signal. As in, you giving a subtle signal that will let someone know you’re interested. Anything stronger than “subtle” and you risk scaring them off. Of course, we can’t tell you what the signal is — that’s for you to figure out. And if we did know a universally accepted “subtle signal” then we’d be too busy writing a bestselling book about it and putting all the other advice columnists out of business to give you your horoscope, anyway. So give thanks for small favors.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
What you really need is a partner with substance. So think genitally and act locally: Get involved in community projects, play bingo with the old folks, paint a mural for your local elementary school (just be sure to ask permission first). And we recommend not telling that fellow good samaritan you end up bedding the real reason why you volunteered until at least six months into the relationship.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Lose the wig/the make-up/the bra cutlets/the cucumber in your pants: This week, it’s all about being yourself.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Tooting your own horn this week will help attract that special person. And no, that doesn’t mean asking them to pull your finger during a romantic dinner.


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Your Weekly Horoscopes: January 20th, 2015 http://www.emandlo.com/2015/01/your-weekly-horoscopes-january-20th-2015/ http://www.emandlo.com/2015/01/your-weekly-horoscopes-january-20th-2015/#comments Tue, 20 Jan 2015 14:56:33 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=31507 grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Anyone who judges you by the size of your wallet (or any other body part) doesn’t deserve the great oral sex you give.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
A reader wrote in recently complaining that the Taurus horoscopes are always lame. Well, we can’t control the stars but we can try to be nicer. Unfortunately, it ain’t gonna happen this week. The stars say you should keep your trap shut and your eyes open and let the honeys come to you — cause you’re gonna be as about as smooth as Robert Redford’s complexion this week.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Here’s a shout out to all Gemini from the stars this week: “Live to love.” Damn, we just wanna emblazon that slogan on a baby-tee and go rollerskating in the park! If you’re not groovin’ on the meaning quite as much as we are, here’s some more specific advice: Don’t run yourself ragged meeting up with booooring acquaintances at blah-blah cocktail parties where everyone sits around discussing the relative merits of Tanqueray vs. Bombay Sapphire. Instead, rest up, get your beauty sleep, and spend your free nights prepping for dates.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
We’ve got three words for you this week: quality alone time.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Make your move — you won’t be sorry. (And if you are sorry, don’t come crying to us; we’ve got very good lawyers and we haven’t lost a case yet.)

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Novelist Amy Bloom once said she always tries to resist writing as if she were on a first date: telling her standard little anecdotes with wit, preciousness, and embellishment in order to make herself seem more attractive and loveable to her listener. You should avoid such precious behavior on actual first dates.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Nerds are hot. Not nerds like in Revenge of the Nerds, of course. But true nerds: The ones who get caught up in a great book and choose to forgo the night out at the bar just to finish it; the ones who take continuing education classes just to keep learning; the ones who occasionally quote from Bartlett’s; the ones who are so smart they can come up with the most clever wise-ass comebacks on command (though they’re too timid to actually speak them out loud); the ones who watch Jeopardy. Be prepared to meet a nerd this week who will massage your brain in places you’ve never had stimulated before, aw yeah.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
There’s a reason why they call it “spoiled for choice”: Too many hotties to choose from and you start to get all picky about ankle size, hair length, where they went to school, and what their favorite Burger King meal special is. While you’ve got such a selection to work with, you might want to consider factoring IQ into the equation, too. Just a thought.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
What are you thinking? Riding your bike down that rocky road called Memory Lane right now will only give you a sore ass. So don’t get all hot and bothered about something you can’t do anything about. Cool down, have some iced tea.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Be careful: You’re likely to feel a little under the weather this week. Which means a lowered immune system. Stay away from lovers who may have something contagious. And we’re not just talking colds here. Did you know that HPV is the most common sexually transmitted infection in the United States, with the majority of sexually active people exposed to an HPV infection at some point in their lives, whether they know it or not? Instead of hooking up this week, why not you give yourself a little sex-ed refresher course.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
If you are fun-loving and playful you will have your pick; if you are controlling you will lose out. We don’t see why everyone has such a problem with control freaks. Where do they think they’d be without the control freaks? Just once we’d like to see all the control freaks sit on their asses for a week, so that all the lazy bums — oh, excuse us, all the fun-loving playful types — could see how little gets done. Nothing fun would be organized. No one would know where to meet. No one would be able to figure out how to split the tab. It would be anarchy, people, pure anarchy!

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
There’s only so long that you can screen your calls/be out to lunch/be infected with a mysterious genital inflammation/be home washing your hair/be abducted by aliens on your lunch break. It’s time to face the music, dude.


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Your Horoscopes for the Week of January 15th, 2015 http://www.emandlo.com/2015/01/your-horoscopes-for-the-week-of-january-15th-2015/ http://www.emandlo.com/2015/01/your-horoscopes-for-the-week-of-january-15th-2015/#comments Mon, 12 Jan 2015 16:01:17 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=31435 grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You’ll probably get lucky this week, but not in any deep and meaningful way. So enjoy it while it lasts because. . . oh, look, it’s over already! Damn, you’re fast.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You know how sometimes you go all out to impress someone — candle-lit meal, “seductive” music, fine wine, edible underwear — and they show up all drunk and could give two shits? Sucks, doesn’t it? Fortunately, this week your efforts will be appreciated. Though you might want to rethink the underwear.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Trust your intuition: If someone feels good to be around, then they’re probably good for you. Either that or they’re wearing a great cashmere sweater and you keep rubbing up against it. In which case, second-guess your intuition until you’ve spent time with them in a less luxurious fabric.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Stop making excuses and join in the fun. Get out and take part in some damn social activities. Don’t waste time sitting at home alone watching reruns of the Gossip Girl on Netflix, not when this is such a great week for romance! Now, if that little motivational speech doesn’t light a fire under your ass, then maybe it’s time to get a happy pill prescription. Or at least some chocolate.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Why you always puttin’ up a front? Whether it’s throwing around the benjamins, talking smack, or dressing like a pimpmaster or a prep, you’re constantly drawing attention to yourself in an effort to impress. But instead of coming across as an ultra-hip mover and shaker, you look more like a two-year-old jumping up and down in a saggy diaper shouting “Look at me! Look at me!” Why’d you have to go and make things so complicated? Promise us we’re never gonna find you faking. At least not this week.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You will find yourself attracted to someone much older than you. . . or much younger than you. If you offer to help them out in some way (be creative: everybody needs a little help sometimes) you’ll find yourself in a position to ask them out. And if you do find yourself in that position, you damn well better ask them out, or else this entire eerily accurate horoscope will have been for naught.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You’ll want to push this week, like a pregnant lady in labor. But when you get pushy with love, you start to make faces and grunting noises, much like a pregnant lady in labor. Have you ever watched a nature show on childbirth? It’s not exactly sexy. This week, you’ve just got to let the love come on its own. Save the faces and grunting for the miracle of birth — or at least for the sex you’ll hopefully get next week as a reward for not being pushy this week.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You’re keeping a list of potential “viewers” to woo into watching your own love channel (how romantic of you). But if you use the bells and whistles of Fox News to get their attention, you’ll be about as respected and sexually appealing as Bill O’Reilly. You relax. They decide.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Take the initiative to plan special outings this week that will bring you in contact with new and exciting people. You’re always saying you want to take more advantage of the cultural activities your city offers. So do it! This is the beginning of a new year, there’s sure to be a ton of stuff that will give you the opportunity to rub elbows with other motivated, intellectually curious, and sexually desperate urbanites: plays at the theater, art openings, organized sex parties. Check your local alternative weekly.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
So there you are, in your local bar (or corner deli, or indie record shop), eyeing up the area hottie you’ve been meaning to speak to for weeks now, and you’re finally ready to take the plunge: heart pounding, sweat droplets forming at your temples, hands shaking. . . but whatever you do, don’t use a line. We know that in moments like these, you suddenly forget how to form complete sentences and a line can seem like a handy crutch, but it’s not. Better to come right out and admit your nervousness than crib from some sleazy pick-up manual written by failures at love. Hey, we’d find that endearing.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You will think you have found love — or at least really good sex — this week, but it won’t last, because they’re lying to you. Hate to make you feel like you’ve been kicked in the privates now, but it’s better than feeling like your heart’s been ripped out through your esophagus later, right?

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Uh oh, Pisces, looks like you might have latched onto someone in a funny-shaped hat this past New Year’s. All is not what it appears. And when everything is eventually revealed, that hottie is going to have a serious case of ugly hat-head. Best back up and take a breather, and get out while everything’s still nice and pretty.


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Astrological New Year’s Resolutions http://www.emandlo.com/2015/01/astrological-new-years-resolutions/ http://www.emandlo.com/2015/01/astrological-new-years-resolutions/#comments Mon, 05 Jan 2015 17:08:43 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=31318 grandcentral_ceiling_421via Flickr

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) This week, in honor of the new year, your sexy ‘scopes are in resolution form:

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You are wise to question your motives this week when it comes to love. Self-deception is likely. Whoever you are interested in will probably give you a false impression. Love triangles may cause problemos. Your New Year’s resolution: Give up geometry. You were never good at math.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
The stars say that you’ll find your groove this week. Your New Year’s resolution: Make sure you’ve got a fabulous post-holiday party to attend and aren’t wasting all that grooviness on dancing with yourself. Oh, oh, oh, oh, dancing with yourself.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
The stars can be so high and mighty — but that’s because they’re so far away. They see the big picture, they see what’s important. Unlike you, who can only see the total hottie in front of (or sitting on) your face. But be warned, falling for someone just for their looks will only end up biting you in the butt (regardless of whether your hottie is into heiney hickeys). Your New Year’s resolution: Be deeper than a kiddie pool.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Oh, this really cracks us up. The stars have a teeny-tiny recommendation for you this week: “Look for that person who will challenge your thoughts, change your world and blow your mind.” Yeah, like it’s really that easy. No big deal, right? Geez, and all this time we’ve been chasing dullards with no sex appeal. How come no one told us we should chase the catch of the day? Well, Cancer, before you get all cocky like us, stop and think for a second: When was the last time you really went after someone you wanted bad, someone you thought you couldn’t get? Are you settling to avoid rejection? Do we sound like your shrink yet? Have you called your mother lately? Your New Year’s resolution: Shoot for the moon and maybe you’ll end up shagging a little star. And call your mother.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
To paraphrase a line from one of Lo’s favorite movies, The Four Seasons: “Your thoughts are like gumballs that just drop down from your brain onto your tongue.” To put it less delicately, you’ve got diarrhea of the mouth when it comes your romantic emotions. Your New Year’s resolution: Remove feet from your diet completely. However, you can put a sock in it. Socks are okay.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
When we look at your week, Virgo, one phrase comes to mind: “Charming the pants off.” Turns out Santa didn’t put out this year — but you can make up for that in the new year. Your New Year’s resolution: Let it all flow — the booze, the compliments, the sweet talking. Just let it flow. And carry condoms everywhere.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You’ll be very popular this week — we’re talking Taylor Swift popular, the new iPhone popular, even “Frozen” popular. You just have to get out and mingle. That means going to every post-holiday party you’re invited to, as well as the ones you wish you were invited to. Your New Year’s resolution: Party like it’s 1999!

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
When someone asks you “Are you single?” don’t say “Yes, I’m alone.” That’s having a bad attitude. Listening to the song “One Is the Loneliest Number” on repeat when you don’t have a companion for the new year isn’t helping either. You’re not alone, you’re number one! Your New Year’s resolution: When you meet a hottie, focus on flirting, not gut-spilling. Save the woe-is-me for the second date.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Your daisy-petal-picking technique for making important romantic decisions is getting old fast. Your wishy-washy behavior will turn the person you’ve been hanging out with running in the other direction. Your New Year’s resolution: Grow a spine.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
This week, you’ll have more energy than a brand new puppy waiting for his walk. And you know how some people are dog people and others would rather piss on a fire hydrant in public than show a canine a little love? Well, the same goes for you: Your crotch-sniffing, drippy tongue act will be a little much for all the wrong people. But there’s one special person out there who’s going to just love it, and it’s gonna be just like that spaghetti scene in The Lady and the Tramp. Ain’t puppy love grand? Your New Year’s resolution: If you sense a kindred spirit in the room, go straight for the crotch. And stay off the furniture.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Remember that old Bryan Adams video? (No, not Ryan Adams, Bryan with “B” — yes, we’re that old.) Anyway, we’re talking about the video with the hottest pock-face in music standing at the bottom of an indoor pool, sans water. “Cuts Like a Knife,” that’s it. The video had this woman change into her bathing suit, climb the ladder to the diving board, and then jump off into the concrete pool. Next we see her climb out of the pool, miraculously unscathed and soaking wet. Like magic. Still with us? Okay, you are the woman in the video. But you don’t have magical powers. So the next time you jump head first into the pool of love before checking whether or not there’s any water in it, you might end up seriously hurt. Your New Year’s resolution: Wait at least fifteen minutes after eating before you go swimming.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Don’t be so argumentative all the time. We just got over the holidays — everyone’s too exhausted to give a shit about your debate-of-the-week right now. Can’t you just drop all the “issues” for a few days and think about getting laid like the rest of us? Your resolution for the week: Have another glass of wine and stay a while. Have you ever danced on a bar-top? Now is as good a time as any.


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Your Holiday Horoscopes: A Caroling Tradition http://www.emandlo.com/2014/12/your-holiday-horoscopes-a-caroling-tradition-2/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/12/your-holiday-horoscopes-a-caroling-tradition-2/#comments Mon, 22 Dec 2014 12:00:30 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=30599

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) This week, nothing is sacred, as we take traditional Christmas carols and turn them into sex advice. Merry Xmas to you!

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Said the Emma to the little Lo,
“Do you see what I see?
Way up in the sky, little Lo,
Do you see what I see?
A ram, a ram, dancing in the night
With his horns ready for a fight,
With his horns ready for a fight.”

Said the little Lo to all the Aries,
“Do you hear what I hear?
Ringing through the sky, and email,
Do you hear what I hear?
A boy, a girl, they’re all on their knees,
And it’s not God they’re praying to,
Oh, it’s not God they’re praying to.”

Said the Little Lo to the mighty Em,
“Do you know what I know?
In Aries’ yards across the world,
Do you know what I know?
A boy, a girl shivers in the cold—
Won’t you give them some of your ‘gold,’
Won’t you give them some of your ‘gold.’”

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Chestnuts roasting on a George Forman
The boss doing coke up his nose
Vicious rumors being spread by doormen
And folks dressed up like trashy ho’s.

Everybody knows a Trojan and some Astroglide
Help to make the office party bright
Buzzed Tauri with their flies open wide
Will find it hard to sleep tonight.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Rudolf, the red-nosed Gemini
had a very shiny nose (from the alcohol?).
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows (from the alcohol!).

All of the other hotties
used to laugh and call him names (like Gin Blossom!).
They never let poor Rudolf
play in any reindeer games (like Spin the Bottle!).

Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Em & Lo came to say:
“Rudolf with your nose so bright (from all the oral!),
won’t you ‘guide my sleigh’ tonight?”

Then all the hotties loved him
as they shouted out with glee:
“Rudolf the red-nosed luvver,
you’ll go down in history!”

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Hark how the bells,
Sweet silver bells,
All seem to say,
Throw cares away.

Get it in gear,
Don’t have no fear,
You’re young, not old,
Have sex that’s bold.

Ding dong ding dong,
You can’t go wrong,
With a dildo,
You big phat ho.

Oh how it pounds,
Making weird sounds,
O’er hill and dale,
Telling your tale.

To your neighbor,
And it will lure,
Them to your bed,
Making you red.

Don’t be ashamed,
Join in the game,
Neighbors can play,
And make your day.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Should auld acquaintance be forgot,
And never brought to mind?
No, auld acquaintance be called up,
It’s ex-booty time!

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
City sidewalks, busy sidewalks,
Dressed in holiday style.
In the air,
There’s a feeling,
of Dionysus.
People laughing,
Strangers passing,
Meeting stare after stare.
And on ev’ry street corner you’ll hear,

“Hey, hot-stuff!” “Hey, hot-stuff!”
“I want to get with you tonight.”
“You’re a doll,” hear them call,
Soon it will be Christmas lay.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Joy to the world! Libra is come;
Let bars let Libras in;
Let every dance floor clear space for the Libras,
and Libras will get laid,
and Libras will get laid,
and Libras, and Libras, they will get laid.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Follow us in merry measure,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
While we tell of Christmas treasure,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Fast away the old love passes,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Hail the new, ye lads and lasses,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Pick a partner, be together,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Just ignore the stormy weather,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
We saw Sagi kissing Santa Claus
Underneath the mistletoe last night.
You didn’t see us creep
In your house to have a peep;
You think all we do is work then go to sleep?
Then, we saw Sagi kiss a different Santa Claus
It turns out Sagi ain’t so snowy white;
But what a laugh it won’t be
If Santa One ever sees
Slutty Sagi kissing Santa Two in the night.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Oh! You better watch out,
You better not cry,
You better not pout,
We’re telling you why:
Someone special’s coming to town!

They’ll spoon you when you’re sleeping,
They’ll screw when you’re awake.
They’ll spank you just because you’re good,
So be good for sex’s sake!

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
O Aquarius, O Aquarius!
No need to toot thy own French horn.
O Aquarius, O Aquarius!
No need to toot thy own French horn.

Be sure to keep thy lips zipped tight,
And thou will surely score tonight.
O Aquarius, O Aquarius,
Thy quiet charm is just like porn!

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You’re a mean one, Dear Pisces
You really are a heel,
You’re as cuddly as a cactus, you’re as charming as an eel, Dear Pisces,
If you can’t make your mind up then go play the field!

You’re a monster, Dear Pisces,
Your heart’s an empty hole,
Your loins are full of indecision, you have anti-commitment powder in your soul, Dear Pisces,
You wouldn’t touch a relationship with a thirty-nine-and-a-half foot pole!

You’re a rotter, Dear Pisces,
You’re the king of breaking hearts,
Spare a thought for the splotched tomatoes you leave behind you, Dear Pisces,
Don’t be a three decker sauerkraut and toadstool sandwich with arsenic sauce!

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Your Annie Horoscopes: 12-15-14 http://www.emandlo.com/2014/12/your-annie-horoscopes-12-15-14/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/12/your-annie-horoscopes-12-15-14/#comments Mon, 15 Dec 2014 12:00:28 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=30598

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes. This week, we take inspiration from the big holiday movie this season: a remake of the 1982 classic Annie. We have yet to see the new version — though we have high hopes, except for Cameron Diaz as Miss Hannigan — so all the horoscopes below come from the beloved 1982 version of the film.

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Daddy Warbucks: Wait! There’s something interesting in that woman’s smile. I might learn to like her. Hang her in my bathroom.

Translation: Give someone a second chance to make a first impression this week.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Grace: You love money and power and capitalism? You know they’re never going to love you back.

Translation: Love and power and capitalism will never love you back.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Annie: The sun’ll come out, tomorrow, so you gotta hang on till tomorrow. Come what may. Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow. You’re only a day away.

Translation: Have you heard of Tinder, by any chance? Keep swiping, baby!

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Daddy Warbucks: Your teeth are crooked.
Grace: I’ll get them fixed.
Daddy Warbucks: I like them crooked.
Grace: I’ll leave ‘em.

Translation: Don’t go changing, because you’ll eventually find someone who loves you just the way you are.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Annie: I didn’t want to be just another orphan, Mr. Warbucks. I wanted to believe I was special.
Daddy Warbucks: You are special! Never stop believing that!

Translation: Don’t let the cheating bastards get you down.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Miss Hannigan: What are you just standing around here for? You’re supposed to clean the bathroom and the kitchen before lunch, my little pig droppings, and if you skip the corners, there will be no lunch.

Translation: Trying to find the love of your life can sometimes feel like a full-time job with no pay. But the effort will pay off soon.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Orphans: It’s the hard knock life for us / Steada treated… we get tricked! / Steada kisses… we get kicked! / It’s the hard knock life!

Translation: When your Tinder date kicks you in the heart instead of kissing you on the lips, remember that life is a song if you know how to sing it. Aka The worst dates make the best stories. And, hey, it could be worse: You could be an orphan during the Depression, too.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Miss Hannigan: Some women are drippin’ with diamonds / Some women are drippin’ with pearls / Lucky me, lucky me, look at what I’m drippin’ with / Little girls!

Translation: If you hang out with only losers, you’ll end up dating losers, and if you date only losers, you might marry one. Change your scene before it’s too late and you end up drinking alone in your bathtub.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Annie: I don’t need sunshine now to turn my skies to blue. I don’t need anything but you.

Translation: Lucky you, you’ve found someone to cuddle with during this long, cold winter season. Make sure you don’t accidentally screw things up after a couple of eggnogs at the holiday party!

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Annie: Girls are easier to get used to than boys.

Translation: If you’re struggling to find the perfect match for you, maybe the problem isn’t in the people you’re meeting, but in your search criteria. Perhaps you don’t even know what your perfect match looks like. Consider widening your search and be open to surprises.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Grace: How would you like to spend a week with Mr. Warbucks at his house?

Translation: Be prepared to be swept off your feet. And also: Feel free to use the term “Daddy Warbucks” during dirty talk this week.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Annie: When my folks left me at the orphanage ten years ago, they left a note saying they’d come back to get me as soon as they could, and they kept the other half of this old locket so I’d know them when they came.

Translation: People lie! People break promises! People don’t always mean what they say. Especially in the pursuit of sex. People disappear, people stop calling, people Tinder under the table during first dates. People can be assholes. Move on, little lamb, before you get hurt anymore.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: The Road Sign Edition http://www.emandlo.com/2014/12/your-weekly-horoscopes-the-road-sign-edition-3/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/12/your-weekly-horoscopes-the-road-sign-edition-3/#comments Mon, 08 Dec 2014 12:00:25 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=30596

The craziest road sign we’ve ever seen was in San Diego: the black silhouettes of two adults running for their lives, dragging a youngster behind them, all on a yellow, rectangular background. You don’t get many of those in the Northeast. It struck us how effective road signs are: succinct, powerful, instructional, universal, and sometimes entertaining even if you don’t quite understand them (frost heaves, anyone?). And because we occasionally like to whittle your horoscope down to its purist form — behold, The Road Signs.

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
HOV Only

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Falling Rocks Ahead

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Caution: Water On Road During Rain
(That’s a real one, believe it or not: if you think about it, it’s profound in its obviousness.)

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Last Exit Before Toll

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Be Prepared To Stop

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Recreational Area Turnoff

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Stop When Children In Crosswalk

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Divided Highway Begins

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Merge

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
No Stopping Inmates Working

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Lane Ends Merge Left

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Push Button For Green Light

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 12-01-14 http://www.emandlo.com/2014/12/your-weekly-horoscopes-12-01-14/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/12/your-weekly-horoscopes-12-01-14/#comments Mon, 01 Dec 2014 12:00:23 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=30595 grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Sometimes it’s not about who has the best lines or the firmest butt or the biggest bank account. Sometimes it’s simply a matter of stamina — who stays the longest and the latest. This week, your Energizer Bunny-like persistence will work in your favor.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You will be loud, obnoxious and a little erratic this week — but somehow, this will only add to your charm. (We never said any of this astrology stuff had to make sense.)

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
God, your hair is perfect. Your teeth? Like a friggin’ Crest White Strips commercial. When you walk into a room, everyone turns and stares, mistaking you for a celebrity. You’ve even got an entourage that’s just one hanger-on short of a harem. Well, you better enjoy it while it lasts, because someone’s going to expose you for the charlatan you are. And when they finally tell everyone about the time they caught you naked with the Jell-O mold, then where will you be, huh?

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
It’s not paranoia if they’re really talking about you. And do you really think your partner would be planning a surprise birthday party for you six months in advance? Are you sure that’s the explanation for the late-night hushed phone conversations, the unexplained hang-ups after midnight, and their sudden need for a pint of ice cream from the deli at two a. m.? Wise up, sucker.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Your mother would like you to know that she thinks it’s about time you thought about settling down. The stars agree.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Think about what you are doing. Or maybe just think about who you are doing. Is he or she really right for you? Just like forest green makes you look washed out, that lame-o bimbo/himbo you picked up at the conference in Tulsa makes your ass look fat. Pick partners that bring out the color in your eyes, bring out the best in you, and most importantly bring out the trash. For reals, the people you’ve been dating lately simply are the trash.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Your easygoing nature will attract romantic interests this week. But then your need to spill your guts will send them away screaming.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Yeah, you’re a freak. But that’s O-Kay. Who wants to be like everybody else? Predictable is boring. If someone doesn’t understand your borderline-sexual obsession with dolls, or your job at the morgue, or your collection of antique speculums, well then, they probably aren’t good enough for you anyway.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
A long time ago in a galaxy far far away, before Netflix and Hulu and Amazon on demand, there were these things called “video stores.” And if you went to the video store in the mood for a real tear-jerker, you didn’t hang around the sci-fi section hoping someone would have accidentally filed a Meg Ryan flick there. And if only Mystic Pizza would do (like we said, this was a looooong time ago), and the store was one of those asinine, film-snobby places that filed everything (even the schlock) according to director, then you didn’t just stand there looking lost until one of the clerks took you by the hand and led you to Julia. No, you went after what you wanted, and if you couldn’t find it, you asked the video store clerk, no matter how much of a stuck-up, condescending, filmmaker-wannabe he or she was. Take a tip from the good ol’ days and act this way in your love life. Jeez, if it was worth doing for a five-day rental, surely it’s also worth doing for the potential love of a lifetime, or even just for a five-minute lunchtime quickie.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
This week, you’re going to be moodier than a goth teen who’s grounded on the only night the Cure is in town. This is mostly a result of you being confused regarding your feelings toward a certain someone. Of course, in typical moody-teen fashion, you will take out your bad mood on this same “someone.” Dude, we’d ground you, too.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
The stars suggest that you “Start the week off by letting potential partners come to you. By the end of the week you should be in a position to make your choice and make your move on whomever you feel is the right lover for you.” Which sounds to us like a 168-hour orgy. But then again, we once yelled out “giant poo stacks!” when driving past the dark brown hills surrounding Phoenix, Arizona. Assuming you’re a tad more mature than that, enjoy taking the high road, with your well-chosen lover by your side. And we’ll take the dirt road, heh heh.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
This week, plead the fifth when you can and you’ll get the sex. Say the wrong thing and it’s all over but for the crying. Chances are, if you do open your mouth, you’ll say the wrong thing. So like we said, plead the fifth.

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Your Thanksgiving Horoscopes: 11-24-14 http://www.emandlo.com/2014/11/your-thanksgiving-horoscopes-11-17-14/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/11/your-thanksgiving-horoscopes-11-17-14/#comments Mon, 24 Nov 2014 12:00:20 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=30593 photo by thestarmama

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You don’t have to take drastic, Jackass-like measures in order to get attention, like sticking your head up the butt of an entire uncooked turkey just for laughs. Instead, let your sensitive side shine through. Make friends with the turkey.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You can have it all if you follow the savory smells of sex and unbuckle your pants to make room. This bounty is yours to devour.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Say what’s on your mind. If you’re a vegetarian, don’t eat the meat just to be polite. Because then you might throw up, and that’s not polite either.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You’ll be full of energy this week. We’re talking about the kind of energy you exude during an intense game of Cranium with the family, when you’re frantically and somewhat pathetically trying to walk like a penguin in the hopes that sis will eventually stop shouting “Stick up the butt” and correctly guess “Charlie Chaplin,” before cous’ and that annoying know-it-all uncle of yours get it right and win the game for the third year in a row. It’s that kind of energy that may piss off your relatives but will appeal to your romantic partner(s).

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Take action and you’ll receive the kind of love you’re looking for. If you take time to talk, all will be lost this week. i.e., play Pictionary instead of Balderdash.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Face it, you’re never going to impress your partner with your cooking skills. Focus instead on what they love you for (money, fame, sex, season tickets to the Knicks, etc. ).

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Move on, loser. S/he’s never coming back. That’s what you get for burning the turkey last year.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You don’t need to settle for someone who is still committed to someone else. No one gets two turkey dinners. Make sure they get a plate of mashed potatoes in the face if they try.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
This week, you’ll find love in the strangest places. So what the hell, accept that invite from your parents’ friends’ socially awkward son/daughter to get a fancy cocktail at the local Chili’s while you’re home over Thanksgiving. The only downside is that if you do meet a hottie at the bar, you’ll be forced to admit to your friends that you met in Chili’s, and you might have to go back once a year on your anniversary. But really, isn’t that a small price to pay for true wuv?

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You can’t rush a relationship anymore than you can rush the cooking of a turkey (unless you deep-fry it, and that’s plain gross). Slow down and take time to stop and smell the turkey.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
It’s a good thing a bunch of family holidays are coming up, because you need some kind of speed bump on your highway of sin. And what better to keep your mind off of cheap and easy sex than a visit with your big, blue-haired Auntie Bertha? The only legs that should be spreading in anticipation of a good stuffing this Thanksgiving are the turkey’s.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
The stars suggest politely that “you may want to avoid too much interaction with others this week. ” Apparently you’re liable to sweat the little things and have trouble keeping your cool. Hey, that sounds just like Thanksgiving at our house. We don’t recommend trying to wrangle your way out of any Turkey Day plans — that’s taking this advice a little too seriously — but you might want to reconsider making it a five-day weekend.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 11-17-14 http://www.emandlo.com/2014/11/your-weekly-horoscopes-11-24-14/ http://www.emandlo.com/2014/11/your-weekly-horoscopes-11-24-14/#comments Mon, 17 Nov 2014 12:00:22 +0000 emandlo http://www.emandlo.com/?p=30594 grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
If your mind’s in the gutter but your ass is on the La-Z-Boy, chances are the only person you’re going to be talking dirty to is your teddy bear. If you’re looking for a more interactive experience, as it were, you’re going to have to get out of the house every once in a while. Though, if your dirty talking skills are a little rusty, practicing on your teddy bear is not the worst idea in the world. But if you do any more than talk, we don’t want to know about it.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Aggressive or pushy action will push back and slap you in the face this week, so take the quiet approach and let any potential candidate for love come to you and sit on your face.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Make your move — you won’t be sorry. (And if you are sorry, don’t come crying to us; we’ve got very good lawyers and we haven’t lost a case yet.)

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You are cruisin’ for a bruisin’ of your heart (and other organs) if you don’t ease up on the quick and casual, purely physical trysts. Animal lust is a beautiful thing, but so is Barbie, and we all know she’s not the first person we’d want around when the shit comes down. There’s something to be said for having a partner who has more between their ears than rubber-smelling air.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
If the art of seduction is like a fine wine, then you’ve been drinking too much Strawberry Boone’s. You’re about as subtle as a blonde joke. Watch how your friends do it: Trust us, they’re better at this game than you are.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
This week, it’s like you’ve got a flashing red neon sign around your neck that reads “I love you” or at least “I’ll do you” — whichever is more of a sexual turn-on to those jamming on your groove. Brace yourself for the action that’s coming your way, cause it won’t all be good: Imagine a defensive lineman in full gear running your way at full speed with a bouquet of roses. It’s okay with us if you choose to run.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
When you’ve got a lot of hotties tugging on your pants and none are asking the annoying questions like ” Wanna go steady?” or “Where is this relationship going?”, it makes juggling seem like a viable option. But there is such a thing as too many balls in one person’s life. Pull your pants up and force yourself to ask an equally annoying question of at least some of your tuggers: “Why don’t we just be friends?”

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Your spirit is a wild bird, and it cannot be tamed! It soars high over potential mates, taunting them with droppings. Some will flap their wings and try to touch the sky with you. But only a special few will be able to catch up. Those are the kindred ones, and they’re the keepers. If we’re still making sense to you, then you’ve been reading these horoscopes far too religiously for far too long.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
The stars are always down on secret affairs. Just once we’d like them to say, “Hey, Sag, this week is perfect for lying and cheating.” Now that would be a little slice of heaven. But it ain’t ever going to happen. Because no matter how much pull they have with the tides, they can’t make illicit affairs morally conscionable. Damn them!

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
This week, embrace your inner sensualist and set the scene. Don’t worry about being labelled a soft jazz hippie; if you light a scented candle and break out the essential oils for a quiet night in with your partner, it’s like a tree falling down in a forest — no one will know. If, however, you put Yanni on the stereo, it is nothing like a tree falling down in a forest: Your neighbors will hear it. Hell, people can tell that shit just by looking at you.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
It’s not your birthday, but it might as well be, because guess what? The stars insist that you play the field this week. Apparently your head and your heart are going in different directions, or something like that. What do you care, though? You’re too busy getting busy to notice.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Whoa, Nellie. You’ve been wooing with the tenacity of a paparazzi photographer of late. Hang back a little, play it cool–that hottie is not quite ready for their close-up with you yet.

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