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Your Weekly Horoscopes: Overplayed Inspiration Week

April 21, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
I’ve tried to talk to you and make you understand. All you have to do is close your eyes and just reach out your hands and touch me. Hold me close, don’t ever let me go. More than words is all I ever needed you to show. Then you wouldn’t have to say that you love me. Cos I’d already know. — “More Than Words,” Extreme

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
It’s raining men! Hallelujah, it’s raining men! Every specimen. Tall, blond, dark and lean, rough and tough and strong and mean. — “It’s Raining Men,” The Weather Girls

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Shake your arm, then use your form. Stay on the scene like a sex machine. You got to have the feeling sure as you’re born. Get it together right on, right on. Get up, get on up. — “Sex Machine,” James Brown

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
I want a man with a slow hand. I want a lover with an easy touch. I want somebody who will spend some time, not come and go in a heated rush. I want somebody who will understand when it comes to love, I want a slow hand. — “Slow Hand,” The Pointer Sisters

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Tell him. Tell him that the sun and moon rise in his eyes. Reach out to him and whisper tender words so soft and sweet. Hold him close to feel his heart beat. Love will be the gift you give yourself. — “Tell Him,” Barbra Streisand and Celine Dion

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
I’m so tired. I don’t know what to do. Oh, I’m so tired. My mind is set on you. I wonder should I call you but I know what you’d do: You’d say I’m putting you on. But it’s no joke, it’s doing me harm. You know I can’t sleep, I can’t stop my brain. You know it’s three weeks, I’m going insane. You know I’d give you everything I’ve got for a little peace of mind. — “I’m So Tired,” The Beatles

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
I love myself. I want you to love me. When I’m feelin’ down, I want you above me. I search myself; I want you to find me. I forget myself; I want you to remind me. I don’t want anybody else; when I think about you, I touch myself. — “I Touch Myself,” The Divynls

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Turn your heart-ache right into joy. She’s a girl, and you’re a boy. So get it together, make it nice. You ain’t gonna need any more advice. — “Love the One You’re With,” Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Celebrate good times, come on! There’s a party goin’ on right here — a celebration to last throughout the years. So bring your good times, and your laughter too. We’re gonna celebrate your party with you. It’s time to come together. It’s up to you, what’s your pleasure? Celebrate! — “Celebration,” Kool & the Gang

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Stay away from my window. Stay away from my back door too. Disconnect the telephone line. Relax baby and draw that blind. Kick off your shoes and sit right down. Loosen off that pretty French gown. Let me pour you a good long drink. Ooh baby, don’t you hesitate ’cause tonight’s the night. It’s gonna be alright. ‘Cause I love you girl. Ain’t nobody gonna stop us now. — “Tonight’s the Night,” Rod Stewart

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You walked into the party like you were walking onto a yacht, your hat strategically dipped below one eye. You had one eye in the mirror as you watched yourself gavotte, and all the girls dreamed that they’d be your partner. You’re so vain, you probably think this horoscope is about you. — “You’re So Vain,” Carly Simon

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
People, let me tell U somethin’. If U didn’t come 2 party, don’t bother knockin’ on my door. I got a lion in my pocket and, baby, he’s ready 2 roar. (Yeah. ) Everybody’s got a bomb, we could all die any day. (Oh. ) But before I let that happen, I’ll dance my life away. Oh, they say 2000 zero zero party over, oops, out of time! (We’re runnin’ out of time. ) So 2night I’m gonna party like it’s 1999! (We gonna, we gonna, oh!) Say it one more time: 2000 zero zero party over, oops, out of time! — “1999,” Prince

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 04-14-14

April 14, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You will meet people in the strangest places and through the most unlikely situations. So don’t be startled if you fall in love at first sight at the DMV, you feel that spark at the dump, or you get that little tingle in your pants at the funeral home. No matter how inappropriate it may seem, make sure you get the digits.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
There’s a fine line between roleplaying and asking your partner to be someone they’re not. Don’t cross it.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
This is a much better week to charm the pants off someone figuratively than it is to take them off literally. Restraint should be a value for you this week, not something you use to tie a hottie to the bedpost.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Not to freak you out or anything, but the soulmate clock is ticking, the Jeopardy theme song is winding down, the hotties are all pairing off, it’s less than two months ’til prom, and YOU DON’T HAVE A DATE. You can’t afford a night in; put those drinks on the credit card and paint this town red.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Be yourself. Go on: Wear that beret, do that little Irish jig (who cares if it’s Bon Jovi on the jukebox), admit that you really miss The Bachelor. We guarantee that putting yourself on the line will make someone else feel better about themselves, even if they’re too shy to tell you just yet. And isn’t it enough just to know that? Oh, it’s not? Well this public display of embarrassing proclivities is also the foundation of something beautiful to come. And that’s all that we’re at liberty to say right now.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Remember back when it was considered dorky to be a homebody with a functional family life and parents you actually liked? Now that everybody’s all growed up, your family values are a selling point (except when you say “family values,” you don’t mean “whose stupid idea was suffrage, anyway?”). If you feel a “special bond” (as your grandmother would call it) with someone this week, invite them home for tea.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Your spirit is a wild bird, and it cannot be tamed! It soars high over potential mates, taunting them with droppings. Some will flap their wings and try to touch the sky with you. But only a special few will be able to catch up. Those are the kindred ones, and they’re the keepers. If we’re still making sense to you, then you’ve been reading these horoscopes far too religiously for far too long.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
The stars are always down on secret affairs. Just once we’d like them to say, “Hey, Scorp, this week is perfect for lying and cheating.” Now that would be a little slice of heaven. But it ain’t ever going to happen. Because no matter how much pull they have with the tides, they can’t make illicit affairs morally conscionable. Poop!

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
The stars say one night stands are in your future. We’re not going to judge whether this is good or bad. Just be sure you’re as safe as can be.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
There’s a snake charmer in your life who’s playing you like a, um, whatever instrument snake charmers play. They’ve got you mesmerized, hypnotized, doing silly little dances, treating you like a circus animal instead of the sex animal you are. Have some dignity: grow a spine and some limbs and walk away.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Take a chance this week — we’re, like, 99 percent certain you won’t get hosed for it. A blind date may lead to great oral, a neighborhood function may lead to a “swinging” time, a new pizza topping may spice up an otherwise mundane Monday night at home. Just in case we’re right, make sure you keep a clean house (both genitally and literally). And may we suggest trying pineapple on your pizza? It’ll flavor more than just your ‘za, if you catch our drift.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Do you find yourself putting off calling the person you’re dating? Do you tell him or her white lies about your whereabouts? Do you go out, get shitfaced, and end up doing it in the public bathroom with a near-stranger while the person you’re seeing is home writing you love letters? Well, have we got the pill for you! It’s called “Integria,” and it’ll help you grow some labes and break it off with the person who’s obviously not right for you — guaranteed!

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 04-07-14

April 7, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Whoever you’re currently with is going to hate us for this one (you yourself may even be a little bummed), but we recommend having the “Let’s just be friends” conversation with you-know-who. Hey, that’s just the way the cookie crumbles when you realize that what you want and what you’ve got are two different things. If you wait, you could very well be on the receiving end of a conversation like this.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
This week is going to kick tushy for Tauruses (Tauri?) everywhere! Maybe you’ll meet the man or woman or your dreams! Maybe you’ll win the lottery! Maybe you’ll hit inbox zero! Maybe you’ll just feel so irrationally cheerful that you’ll use exclamation points all day!

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You’re interested in an a-hole. Get over him or her and move on. Have a nice day.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
If we had to describe you as an article of clothing this week, you’d be a pair of sexy fishnet stockings. Or those really skinny metallic jeans that will be in style for the next ten minutes. If we had to describe you as an animal this week, you’d be a fox. If we had to describe you as a stock, we’d say, “Buy, buy, buy!” If we had to describe you as an egg this week, we’d say, you’ll get laid. Often.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You’ve been laying the foundations for weeks; it’s finally time to lay some – oh, don’t make us actually say it. Go get ‘em, tiger!

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Robert De Niro has made like five hundred movies. But do you ever hear him gush to Us Weekly about the importance of date nights or his wife’s pet name for him or how he likes to keep the fires burning? We wouldn’t say that this reticence has improved his success rate at relationships (how many different baby mamas does he have, again?), but we have a feeling that — for Bobby, at least – discretion, is in fact what keeps the fires burning. Think about that next time you get tipsy during office happy hour.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
We’re so sick of these cheesy, formulaic Hollywood-machine movies with their pat lessons on love and life: Follow your heart, Julia Roberts/Sandra Bullock/Reese Witherspoon insist. In real life, that’s exactly what leads to being left at the altar with a bun in the oven and no money. Think with your head this week. Heck, think with your willie/weegeena if you have to. Just be sure to ignore your heart.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Your independent and confident approach to life will attract any lover you want this week. Choose wisely and it could turn into a long-lasting relationship. Choose poorly and you’ll spend an excruciating evening hearing about the nasty fungus infection your date contracted at the public swimming pool. But look on the bright side: we don’t think fungus infections are contagious.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
If you wouldn’t buy a car from a fast-talking salesman, why would you buy a line from a fast-talking pick-up artist? Be a smart booty consumer and shop around for the best deal out there.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
There’s nothing wrong with playing the field. You’ve been training hard and you’re at the top of your game. Just make sure everyone is playing by the same rules.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You’ll want to get out and party this week. Heck, don’t we all? If you’re going to be snarky with all your co-workers and too hungover to get any work done because you raged on a school night, you may as well make it worthwhile. So go some place you’ve never been before. If that’s shaking things up a bit too much for ya, at least visit your local hangout on a different night (we hear Tuesday is the new Thursday) so you’ll encounter a different group of regulars.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Normally we hate to resort to cliches when it comes to telling your horoscope (ahem). But this week, nothing says it better: getting lucky will be like shooting fish in a barrel, as long as you get out of your La-Z-Boy and interact with a few people. And hey, if you’re really that lazy, we know a phone number or two you could call to get laid right in that comfy ol’ chair.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 03-31-14

March 31, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
If you accept the first offer that comes along, you’ll never know how many more you might have had to choose from. Don’t listen to your friends who tell you that you’re being “selfish” by making people wait for an answer. They’re just jealous that they’re not more in demand.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Don’t settle just to get a date on Thursday. It’s like Amanda Jones says at the end of Some Kind of Wonderful: “I’d rather be alone for the right reasons than with someone for the wrong ones.”

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. You sleep over; they think it’s serious. You buy them flowers; they fall a little harder. You say, “I love you”; they think you mean it. You go down on them…oh wait, never mind. Think before you act this week: Are you prepared to accept the consequences?

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You’ll be confused about love this week (join the club). And if you’re confused, it’s probably not a good time to make any rash decisions. Especially since once you make your mind up about something, you tend to defend that decision with much pomp and circumstance, even if everyone in the world — including you — knows it’s a bad one. Try being shy and reserved for once. It won’t work for very long, but it’ll at least get you through the week.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Yield for pleasure. Everything’s coming up roses. Everything’s going your way. Hey, is that a bluebird on your shoulder? Your sex life is going to take a turn for the spicy this week, whether that means your long-time love finally agrees to try a third position, that hottie finally returns your call, or you finally figure out how to get invited to an orgy.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
When Charles Schwab was asked once how he did so well in the financial markets (actually, we’re guessing he got asked that pretty much every freakin’ day of his life), he said, “By always selling too early.” You would do well to apply his advice to your love life: Sure, it’s hard to cash out when you’re having so much fun playing the market, but the longer you try to play the game, the more likely you are to end up stone-broke or loveless.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
A really easy short-cut to happiness, satisfaction, and contentedness is to tailor your goals to make them attainable. Or at least, pick a few new, short-term, easily accomplishable goals to add to your list. Like maybe “Have a fling” should be added to your list, right above “Find a soulmate and settle down for a lifelong relationship that includes communication, great sex, three kids, and a loyal and well-behaved golden retriever.”

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You’re likely to attract all sorts of interest while you’re out and about this week. However, not all of it will be to your advantage. Maybe you don’t want the parking officer so “interested” in whether or not you’re re-feeding the meter. And maybe you don’t want your boss so “interested” in how much of your day you spend IM-ing with your friends. And maybe, just maybe, you don’t want your mother “interested” in your collection of avant-garde porn. All we’re saying is, if you insist on wearing the pink tutu and making your armpit “sing” the “Golden Girls” theme song, make sure that’s what you want to be noticed for.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
It’s set-up city this week. A friend, a relative, a co-worker perhaps, will hook you up with a possibility. Resistance is futile. Submit! And don’t be shy: You’re a star and they’re an astronomer. Which could just mean they’re a total dork, but it’s always nice to be liked.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Everything is funnier in threes except sex. Threeways? They totally suck (if you don’t agree, then you’ve been watching too much porn). Love triangles? They suck harder. Two Girls and a Guy? Don’t even get us started on how bad that movie sucked. If you must have group sex, make it a fourway so no one’s piggy in the middle. If you must enter a love triangle, please don’t kid yourself that it’s going to end in anything but tears (well, tears and mindblowing sex, probably). And if you must rent a Robert Downey Jr. movie, make it Iron Man or Only You.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Turn off your judge-O-meter. Focus on the good qualities of your romantic interest, not their real or imagined wussiness.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You’re smooth and inviting, with a good head on your shoulders, just like a nice pint of Guinness. Quench the thirst of any partner you choose this week — because with your charm, it’ll be like everyone’s wearing beer goggles when they look at you, whether they’re sober or sloshed.

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Your (Proverbial) Horoscopes: 03-24-14

March 24, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) As you know, a rolling astrologist gathers no moss. So this week, we present you with you your horoscopes in proverb form….

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Play slow, win slow; play fast, lose fast.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You’ll never plow a field by turning it over in your mind.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
If you are in hiding, don’t light a fire.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
As the dog said, “If I fall down for you and you fall down for me, it is playing.”

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
The nearer the bone, the sweeter the meat.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You can catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
It is a far better thing to bespoil your youth than to do nothing with it.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
From listening comes wisdom and from speaking comes repentance.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without one.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
It is for her own good that the cat purrs.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: One-Word Edition

March 17, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) This week, it’s one-word advice, because brevity is the soul of wit.

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Moderate. (Def. #1: To lessen the violence, severity, or extremeness of. NOT Def #2: To preside over.)

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Investigate.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Enjoy!

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Socialize.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Submit.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Wait.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Forgive.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Converse.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Radiate.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Testify.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Dominate.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Discern.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 03-10-14

March 11, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Open up your mouth
And speak the truth of your heart.
Easy on the tongue.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Move over, kick back,
Just go along for the ride.
Do not backseat drive.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Friends keep their pants on.
Friendship is overrated.
Kiss first. Names later.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You want to get head,
But if you have a big head,
You won’t get any.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Dinner and movies
Are for uninspired shmo’s.
Think: bunjee jumping.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Like a monkey’s butt
Your mojo is big and red.
People will notice.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Don’t be a hermit.
Go to your office drinks night.
Booze will kill the cheese.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Move forward with strength,
And confidence and charm.
Not spinach in teeth.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Your friends aren’t sex toys.
Neither is your neighbor’s dog.
Stick with your own hand.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Do not jump the fence.
The grass under your feetsies
Is fertile and green.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Actions speak loudly,
like raindrops on a tin roof,
or orgasmic moos.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
The leaf told the tree,
“I’ll fall off when I’m ready.”
Don’t pull leaves off trees.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 03-03-14

March 3, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Don’t look now, but — hey, we said don’t look! Geez, sometimes you’re about as subtle as a sneeze in church. Anyway, as we were saying, just over there in the corner, someone has their eye on you. We think they might be about to make their move. Avoid staring them down or otherwise scaring them off (e. g. sudden jerky motions, dramatic lifestyle changes, a new haircut) and you should find yourself being seduced very soon.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
So maybe you’ve got a month of dirty laundry, sixty-four hours of unwatched Tivo television, and a stack of unpaid bills at home. But this is not the week to hide your light under a bushel (or a load of laundry). You’ve got it all going on: great hair week, clear skin, zero water retention — all that and rhythm, baby. So accept every invite that comes your way and get out there and shine.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Don’t do anything this week, and love and romance will be yours. However, if you do do something, even one single thing, you run the risk of a lifetime of loneliness and depression. Have a good week!

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
“Feelings, nothing more than feelings. . . ” Whatever happened to smarts, common sense and a cunning plan? Be strategic in matters of the heart this week. We can’t promise that you’ll win the war, but at least if you lose you won’t look like a spinectomy patient driven by fuzzy feelings and neediness alone.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
We love you just the way you are. But it’s not about us, is it? (Though sometimes we forget that.) No, it’s about you. It’s about you feeling good about you. A few changes might be in order. You know, like a new job, a new hobby, a new hangout, a new therapy-inspired outlook on life, a new nose. You’ll be surprised how you’ll thrive in social situations after these changes (especially if you get that nose job).

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Sure, sometimes it’s good to sit at home and wallow in the meaning of your particular place in the universe (and whether or not you’ve been seated with the cool kids). But if you’d stop navel-gazing for a few minutes, you’d realize that a certain someone has been trying to make eye contact with you all night. Wake up and smell the hottie!

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
We know we’re always advising against secret affairs. This is because too many horoscope readers continue to engage in such unethical, deceitful, dishonest behavior, looking to the stars to justify their habit. You dirty dogs. This week, Libras are the ones in the high risk category for doing things they normally wouldn’t do, because normally they are good, decent, caring people. But this week? Proceed with caution. And consider yourself warned.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Scorpio, you know all those things you say after six too many gin and tonics? The nice things, we mean — when you get that slushy gushy feeling that you’re in love with the world and it seems like a good idea to wake one of the world’s citizens at five a. m. and tell them so. This week, forgo the Dutch courage and say all that gushy stuff anyway.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You know it’s always the hot ones you’re super attracted to who break your heart the worst. The cold-hearted cute ones who render you useless, lying in bed on weekend afternoons watching straight-to-video movies on cable and eating whole bags of chips in one sitting. Either that, or they just bore you to tears with their inane banter. Learn your lesson, talk some common sense into your hormones and get some depth — make sure the people you’re with have things to talk about besides their hair products.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
If your grandma sends a box of her famous pecan candies to your office, you share them with your colleagues. If you win the lottery, you buy your sister a car. If you make a killing in the tech world, you give a couple billion to charity. Same goes for all your charm and wit — share the wealth and spread sunshine. (It just might get you lucky.)

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Some may refer to it as “playing the field,” but we like to call it practice. And we don’t think you’ve had enough of it yet. Get out there on the pitch, try some new positions (or a new, um, team?) — heck, try cheerleading for a week. You might be surprised how attached you become to those pom-poms. Don’t buy the jersey or sign on the dotted line until you’re sure you’ve found what you’re looking for.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
If you’re at all tempted to drive over to your beloved’s house in the middle of the night and blast Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes” from a boombox held over your head in an attempt to express your true feelings, resist that temptation. Change your middle name to Subtlety this week.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 02-24-14

February 24, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Here’s a point: . Now get to it. We think you know what we mean.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You’re a walking Viagra advertisement this week — at least, the “before” part of a Viagra ad. A roll in the sack will be about as appealing to you as root canal work. Don’t worry, it’s not permanent. It happens to all of us, as they say. And don’t let anyone make you feel bad because of it; remind them that absence makes the heart (among other organs) grow fonder.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Prepare to be sexually distracted this week. Spring fever’s hit you early this year and you’re burning up. For those times you really can’t give yourself a helping hand, just think, “Cold showers, baseball stats and Sesame Street.” Otherwise, don’t hold back. The office bathroom, the kitchen table, the backseat of the cab are all fair game, whether you’re with that special someone or just by yourself.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Brief flings involving lots of furniture-breaking, meaningless sex may leave you feeling cheap, but they’re not supposed to break the bank. Put away your wallet. In the immortal words of Shania Twain, That don’t impress me much.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
If life is one big circle jerk, you’re the one they’re jerking off to this week. (It sounds gross, but really, that’s a compliment.) Enjoy the attention and try not to take the metaphor too literally.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
It’s the mistake of many a young woman new to the world of romance to express the depth of her caring physically, i.e. “If I sleep with him, then he’ll really know how much I care. ” Ah, youth. You’re older and wiser (and maybe not even female), so don’t go making the same mistakes this week. Take any intimate encounters for what they are: pure animal instinct. Resist projecting your romantic hopes and wishes onto the situation, you sap.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You want sex? Well, sex costs. And right here is where you start paying — in sweat! If our paraphrasing of the classic line from the opening sequence of the Fame television show isn’t working for you, then let us put it this way: Love is work, and work takes energy. This week, eat a lot of Power Bars.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Remember that not everyone wears the same eyeglass prescription as you — what you may see as a simple date of DVDs and a home-cooked dinner, or a casual romp in the hay, or an adventurous, no-strings-attached weekend getaway with a certain someone, s/he may see as an important step toward committed-relationship status. Make sure their glasses aren’t rose-colored. Better yet, make sure you’re not wearing blinders.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
This week, just be friends. We know, we hate that “friendship” talk as much as the next bitter, jaded single person. But let’s face it: many a beautiful relationship has blossomed from the seeds of a beautiful friendship. And even if they don’t for you, at least you’ll have a good friend to complain to about how you’re not getting any.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
[This horoscope goes out to all the single Caps out there. Sorry, committed Caps, but the singletons need our special attention this week.] So you’re single, eh? Welcome to the club. Pull up a chair and make yourself comfortable; you could be here for a while. And would you stop whining? It’s not such a bad place to be. Okay, now you’re really starting to annoy us. You’ve been here, what, five minutes? Go out for a run or join a gym or something — it’ll clear your head.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Even though it’s a universal law that the worse you treat someone, the more they’ll obsess over you, you’ll have the power to break the laws of nature this week: be kind, loving and compassionate and you’ll actually get what you want, if you can believe it.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
This week, you’ll finally put your finger on exactly what it is you want, but your partner will be unwilling to make your dream come true (too busy, too broke, too afraid it will turn them gay). Life’s a bitch like that sometimes.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 02-17-14

February 17, 2014

0 Comments

grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Woah, easy there tiger. We’ve barely even got started with 2014 and here you are trying to cram a whole year’s worth of bun-lovin’ into one week. Think of the big picture: If you pig out now you’ll ruin your appetite and — damn, we lost track of our metaphor in there somewhere, but the gist of it is this: Take it easy, bud. Take a Calgon bath, smell the roses, obey the speed limit, etc. Oh yeah, and here’s a tip we heard from a little bird: That hottie you’re so enamored with? Turns out they don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say, if you know what we’re saying. And we always mean what we say.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Nervousness is likely to work against you when it comes to getting together with someone you admire. Sweating profusely, biting your nails, telling really bad jokes — all unsexy. In other breaking news, the sun is the center of our universe, we need air and food to survive, and the sky is blue… Seriously, don’t put too much pressure on yourself, just be who you are, and remember to take your anti-anxiety meds.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Go ahead, dip that nib in the company inkwell. For once, multi-tasking is all good. Act on it quick before we tell you for the thirtieth time not to mix business with pleasure in a couple of weeks.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
So, you want to be in a relationship? Well, that’s all well and good, so long as you’re in it for the right reasons. Defenses like “They’ve got a washing machine,” “They’re not bad in bed,” “They don’t totally annoy me,” and “They’re not very smart, so it’s easy to deceive them” ain’t gonna fly in the court of commitment — Judge Judy would eat you for breakfast.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You’ve got a horoscope right out of Agatha Christie’s imagination this week: Someone around you is not who he or she has been leading you to believe. Ooooh, so mysterious. We’re suckers for those whodunnits with the wide brimmed hats and the sexy British accents. Just don’t be a sucker yourself, or you’ll end up with a knife in your back.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Apparently you’ll be romantically challenged this week. Jeez, when did they get so politically correct? What they mean to say is that you’ll be a dating dummy all week, so just hang with your good buddies, drink like a fish and avoid any and all romantic encounters for at least seven days. And that’s an order from the love doctors.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Someone might be trying to gently steer you towards commitment. If this change in direction causes you to feel short of breath and claustrophobic, and/or brings on panic attacks, then we suggest you back away slowly. If that doesn’t help, then see a doctor — it’s probably just asthma.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
This week, you may be asked to get off the fence regarding your plans for the future. If you can’t oblige this request, at least give an honest and kind explanation as to why (fear of commitment, fear of cohabitation, fear of heights). If you’re a good egg about it, you may get to straddle that fence for a few more weeks.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
The stars say you will have no trouble getting what you want this week, but we think that’s a little over-confident. How about this: If you make your move with confidence and grace, then the chances that the object of your affection will find you utterly irresistible are greater than that of you getting hit by lightning while indoors.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Choose low-commitment group activities this week, like bowling or orgies. Take your time before getting involved with someone. Especially if you met them while bowling.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You’re a spaz, but on you, it works. And it will definitely attract some “interesting” potential partners. But just ’cause we call you “spaz” and use quotes around “interesting” to suggest that all your suitors will be ex-convicts, loud talkers, or Amway salespeople, don’t lose hope. You can have whichever ex-convict, loud talker, or Amway rep you want, lucky duck. Choose wisely.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Don’t mix business with pleasure. Do you hear us? Don’t shit where you eat! It won’t work out for you and you’ll just end up in an awkward position. Instead, attend a financial seminar and you will stand a better chance at finding love.

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