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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 09-16-2013

September 16, 2013

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photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
In Buffy, the Vampire Slayer (the 1992 movie, of course), our shop-aholic savior doesn’t go out looking for fangsters. No, they come to her. She doesn’t act, she just reacts, breaking hearts left and right. You’ll be able to relate this week.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You may be in the mood for love but that doesn’t mean that your partner of choice will be. Resist the temptation to act like a frat boy at a party just who’s done three shots of Jager to muster up the courage to date rape the passed out chick in the back keg room (to paraphrase a brilliant line from Sam Lipsyte’s “Home Land”). Don’t act like Veruca Salt (original version) when she doesn’t get a golden egg, either. Just be the epitome of cool, like Johnny Depp or Joan Jet or Fonzie. Okay, maybe not Fonzie.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
If you say you’re going to do something, do it. Just do it. Do or do not; there is no try. If you can do all that, you’ll get done.
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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 09-09-2013

September 9, 2013

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photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You are cruisin’ for a bruisin’ of your heart (and other organs) if you don’t ease up on the quick and casual, purely physical trysts. Animal lust is a beautiful thing, but so is Barbie, and we all know she’s not the first person we’d want around when the shit comes down. There’s something to be said for having a partner who has more between their ears than rubber-smelling air.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Play a game of cat and mouse this week. No, you can’t be the cat. You were the cat last time. Give someone else a chance for a change. Play it safe, eat some cheese, be the damn mouse. And don’t even think about whipping out that black leather suit Ă  la Halle Berry in Catwoman. And put down that leotard. You’ll be the mouse and you’ll damn well like it!

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You’ve got a million things on your plate, you’re constantly on the go and you never shut up — and that’s a good thing. The hard part is finding someone who can keep up. Giving partners time to build up their enthusiasm muscles will help any potential relationships. So will secretly replacing their caffeine-free Diet Coke with Red Bull.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 09-02-2013

September 3, 2013

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photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Some people are paralyzed by the prospect of making decisions. They fear they’ll make the wrong choice, that one wrong move — like buying the generic toothpaste on sale rather than the Tom’s of Maine — could set in motion an irreversible course of events that will determine whether or not they die alone and destitute. So they procrastinate, overanalyze, and stress. Ultimately, they don’t decide, just let the toothpaste fall where it may, which is of course a kind of decision all of its own. Usually, these people feel out of control, constantly worried, like there’s a void. And this week, we’re saying that’s a good thing for you. Embrace the indecision. Sit on your ass. See how the other half suffers and it’ll serve your love life well. Don’t worry, you can go back to taking charge of your destiny next week, after some sucker’s taken pity on you and taken you home.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
It’s like you’re on your own episode of “The Love Boat” this week, except without that annoying Julie McCoy getting in the way. Set a course for adventure; put your mind on a new romance. It won’t hurt any more, we promise (at least not until next week).

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Don’t settle for second best when it comes to a relationship. But don’t be like those psycho parents who coach their kid’s softball team and put so much pressure on them that it takes all the fun out of the game and they just end up crying or wetting their pants. Find a happy medium.
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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 08-26-2013

August 26, 2013

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photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Here’s a crazy idea: Pursue someone who seems nice. You’re familiar with the type? They hold open doors for others, give to charity regularly, carry heavy grocery bags for little old ladies, warn complete strangers about the piece of TP stuck to their shoe, always remember their mom’s birthday, never cheat on their partner. You know, the little things.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You know how coaches tell you that your cool-down period after a work-out should be in direct proportion to the length of the session? Thus a twenty-minute jog around the block will only require a few minutes of wind-down walking, whereas a three-hour cross-country run will need a lot more. Relationships are kind of the same way. For example, while it may be appropriate to call off a mini-relationship (we’re talking no more than two dates) via email, it is definitely not cool to dump your three-year lover over the phone. Right now, you’re in a twenty-minute jog relationship, but admit it: You’re kind of bored. Plus their oral pleasures skills are lacking. So why not get out now while the getting out is easy; a few more months and it’s going to take some serious undoing.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
A podiatry tale: Keep your feet on the ground. Then put your best foot forward — this will require a sort of sliding action, since you will be keeping your feet on the ground, remember? This also means you will be keeping your feet out of your mouth. When you reach the edge, jump in with both feet and you’ll be walking on sunshine in no time.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 08-19-2013

August 19, 2013

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photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
While we’re usually all for secret office romances — the long lunches, the supply closet make-out sashes, the car pooling! — you really shouldn’t get involved with someone at work this week. It will be short lived and may jeopardize your job as well. Think before you make a move on someone who is off limits, like a boss or an underling. Wait till next week, and then make a move on a coworker who’s glued to same rung of the corporate ladder with no prospects for upward mobility, just like you.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Opposites, shmopposites! You’re onto someone who’s just as intense and strong-willed (or obnoxious and opinionated, depending how you look at it) as you are. Put on your gloves (and your satin underwear) and put up your dukes, because you’re about to go head to head in the ring of love. And in this ring, there are no losers, only people with mullets.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
This week, it’s all about body language. And we don’t mean the cheezoid hair toss or the so-called seductive crossing and uncrossing of the legs, a la Sharon Stone. No, we just mean: Walk into a room like you own it. Look at that hottie across the room like it’s your decision whether they come over and ask for your number. Try not to talk to much; you risk ruining your rap. Walk out of a room like you know you’re taking the party with you. If your friends ask you why you’re walking funny, give them a “you wouldn’t understand” look and stare off into the distance. Just wait till they see your funny walk tomorrow, after you’ve gotten the lay of your life.
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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 08-12-2013

August 12, 2013

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photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
There’s this great flick with Goldie Hawn and Burt Reynolds called Best Friends (only the lucky few who had HBO in the early ’80s have heard of it). In BF, this long-term, live-together, work-together couple finally decides to get married — to make it official, to take the relationship to the next level. As a result, however, the delicate social and emotional balance they’d created is suddenly upset. Hilarity ensues. The moral of the story? If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Or at least that’s what they want you to believe…before they sucker punch you with the typical Hollywood happy ending — you know the one: something about love conquering all, blah, blah, blah. Well, this week, rewind and stick with the original pessimistic premise.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
This week, be the boss in matters of the heart, and you’ll find it’s not always lonely at the top. In fact, that’s just a myth they tell the little people to quell ambition. If you take charge and be bold, you’ll find that it’s often quite the opposite of lonely at the top. Don’t forget your dictaphone!

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
The key to every successful relationship is compromise. You’ve got to give up a little to get a lot more; you’ve got to learn to let some things go to get other things in return. Of course, if you could care less about a successful relationship, you can afford to say stupid things like, “It’s either my way or the highway” while chewing your dip and drinking your forty in a padded baseball cap and a wife-beater. But we think you’ve graduated to a new class of interpersonal relations.
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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 08-05-2013

August 5, 2013

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photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Love is in the air and you’ll be singing in the rain, literally. (Excuse us while we puke.) This probably means things are going so well romantically that everything will be a reason to celebrate, and nothing will get you down. Or maybe it just means you like musicals a little too much.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You are likely to forget to pick up toilet paper when you run out this week — so keep a box of backup Kleenex on hand. Oh yeah, you’ll also be horny (now there’s a change), but you’re likely to forget your manners — so keep a box of back-up self-love handy.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Let’s say you’ve read Fast Food Nation and it’s changed your consumption habits for life. But let’s say someone you’re interested in is addicted to McDonald’s fries. Yes, you know the evil reason why they’re addicted to said fries because you’ve read Fast Food Nation, but this certain someone just doesn’t want to hear it. Now, even if your intentions are good, if you knock the french fries out of their hand you may only succeed in ruining a relationship and being the direct cause of even more evil french fries being bought.
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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 07-29-2013

July 29, 2013

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photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Opposites attract. But eventually they’ll repel each other if one tries to change what they originally found attractive in the other. Don’t tamper with the laws of physics — otherwise gravity will knock you on your ass.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Don’t be a noodge. Don’t be a player. Don’t be “the ball.” Just be the dude in the back bleachers with the glove and a beer and let the home runs come to you.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Just because you pride yourself on never telling a lie, that doesn’t excuse you from coming right out and offering up the truth. Now, we’re not suggesting you send out an office memo admitting to Xeroxing your ass on the photocopier, or calling up your old high school sweetheart and confessing to hooking up with their best friend out in the parking lot at the prom. Just make sure that you’re currently not leading anyone on by keeping your true intentions to yourself.
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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 07-22-2013

July 22, 2013

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photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Q: What do you want to do tonight? A: Let’s go out dancing…no, let’s just stay in. Q: What would you like to eat? A: Pizza…no, wait, Chinese. Q: Shall we go with the standard missionary position or should we break out the leather underpants and the ball gag? A: The former…well, maybe the latter…no, the former. Your inability to make up your mind will drive your lover crazy. Be affectionate or do a little dance or something and maybe, if you’re lucky (and a really good dancer), they’ll overlook your wishywashiness.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
No one ever met the love of their life sitting home on a Saturday night in front of their computer. We know, we know — you might be working on your online personal ad. But sometimes you’ve just got to put the mouse down and go outside for some fresh air and in-the-flesh flirting. Your ass will thank you for it.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
It’s not that unheard of for sharks to mistake people and surf boards for dolphins. Just because the waters you swim in aren’t the natural habitats for oceanic predators, doesn’t mean you won’t get something bit off. Make sure you know what you’re getting into.
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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 07-15-2013

July 15, 2013

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photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) This week, we present your horos in short poem form:

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
New love is like a bunny. A little, soft, scared and trembling bunny-wunny. We know the bunny’s cute and all, but go easy on the hugs and kisses or it might get scared and run away. Or you might break its neck. And then where would you be? One hundred percent bunny-less, that’s where.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
It’s time to shut up and put out. ‘Nuff said.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Everyone knows about Mr./Ms. Right vs. Mr./Ms. Right Now. The trouble is, you’ve been so concerned with tracking down Mr./Ms. Right that you’re in danger of settling down, not so happily ever after, with Mr./Ms. So Wrong. Get out there and find yourself a little “right now,” if you catch our drift. It should eliminate some of your, ahem, “personal frustration.”
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