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Your Shakespearean Stars: 01-20-14

January 20, 2014

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photo by Ell Brown

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

This week, the Bard tells you how to be…

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
“To gild refined gold, to paint the lily, To throw a perfume on the violet, To smooth the ice, or add another hue Unto the rainbow, or with taper-light To seek the beauteous eye of heaven to garnish, Is wasteful and ridiculous excess.”
— King John, act IV, sc. ii

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
“Therefore love moderately; long love doth so; Too swift arrives as tardy as too slow.”
— Romeo and Juliet, act II, sc. vi

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
“A scepter snatch’d with an unruly hand Must be as boisterously maintain’d as gain’d; And he that stands upon a slippery place Makes nice of no vile hold to stay him up.”
— King John, act III, sc. iv

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
“Better a little chiding than a great deal of heartbreak.”
— The Merry Wives of Windsor, act V, sc. iii

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
“Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear.”
— Venus and Adonis, l. 145.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
It is too rash, too unadvis’d, too sudden; Too like the lightning, which doth cease to be Ere one can say it lightens.”
— Romeo and Juliet, act II, sc. ii

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
“Confess yourself to heaven; Repent what’s past; avoid what is to come.”
— Hamlet, act III, sc. iv.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
“Commit The oldest sins the newest kind of ways.”
— King Henry the Fourth, act IV, sc. v

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
“I count myself in nothing else so happy As in a soul remembering my good friends.”
— King Richard the Second, act II, sc. iii

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
“Your wit’s too hot, it speeds too fast, ’twill tire.”
— Love’s Labour’s Lost, act II, sc. i

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”
— Hamlet, act II, sc. ii

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
“This bud of love, by summer’s ripening breath, May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet.”
— Romeo and Juliet, act II, sc. ii

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Your Weekly Stars: 01-13-14

January 13, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Chasing has never been your style. Neither has finishing what you start. But persistence will pay off this week. Whether that means you’ll finally get that special someone who stole your heart to go out with you, or you’ll catch the punk who stole your bike, we can’t be sure.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Everybody’s looking for somebody who looks like a pump, feels like a sneaker. But don’t expect the first pump you try on to be the perfect fit. You’ve got to suffer a lot of blisters and bad eighties stillettos before your glass slipper shows up. Wait, there’s a little life left in this metaphor, and you can bet your Louboutins we’re going to squeeze it out: Just because a pair rubs you the wrong way the first few times, doesn’t mean it’s lacking potential. Second chances will save you a little heartbreak and a lot of great shoes.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You might want to carry some gum around with you for the next couple days. You’re going to need it to wash the dirty-sneaker taste out of your mouth when you really stick your foot in it this week.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You know what? You’re not going to win the lottery, the pizza delivery guy/girl is never going to turn out to be a hottie, and you’re not going to make the cut for that reality TV dating show. Which means, lard ass, you’re going to have to get up off the couch and make your own damn move. Hey, it’s either that or another night alone at home with a tub of vaseline.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
We’re so over all those fatalists who think love is something that just happens to you. People, sometimes you have to roll up your shirt sleeves and work for it. You know — give up your favorite TV show, give up meat, give up oral sex with your ex, whatever. Sure, you might think those things are what make you you, but how much fun is it to be you when you’ve got no one to love? A whole lot less fun than a barrel of monkeys, that’s how much.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You’ve been wookin’ per nub in all the wrong places. Your next dose of sumthing-sumthing is going to spring from a very strange source, so make sure you’ve always got good underwear on, even if you’re just swinging by the pet cemetery on your way to the podiatrist to have your in-grown toe-nail operated on.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Sure, we all have a few charity cases in our lives — acquaintances we see out of some odd sense of duty. Maybe we see them because we believe that instant karma’s gonna get us, or maybe it boosts our egos to be with someone who needs us more than we need them. Or maybe we’re just nice people. Whichever it is, this is not the week to worry about karma, or egos, or being nice. This is the week to spend time with people you actually like. You know, “friends,” “lovers,” “family members,” and “advice columnists.”

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You will not be alone. . . That’s pretty heavy stuff coming from the stars. Too bad you don’t know if that means you have met a true kindred spirit and companion, if you’ll find a warm body to curl up next to one night in a futile effort to slough off the cold realities of everyday life, or if you’ve just got a peeping tom.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
So there you were melding your sweetheart’s face and yours in Photoshop to see what your kids would look like, except they didn’t even ask you on a second date. Sucks, doesn’t it? When you’re drowning in rejection, take solace in the field.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You are beginning to feel more like settling down. We don’t how we know that either, but it’s true, right? Creepy, we know.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Someone will want you to make a commitment that you aren’t really ready for. So don’t close that deal — be it financial, business, romantic, or bootylicious.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
It’s time to poop or get off the pot. Your wishy-washy act is starting to get old, and that hottie you’ve kept waiting is about to gather their last scrap of pride and tell you to fuggetaboutit. And then you’ll just be alone and constipated.

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Your Weekly Stars: 01-06-14

January 6, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You’re acting like a Garbage Pail Kid, when what your partner really needs is a Cabbage Patch Kid. Clean up your act.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
We admire your gusto, but we’re not sure your special someone feels the same way. Are you sure they’re ready for that strap-on? Maybe they were just being polite when they said that shopping for a twelve-incher sounded like a fun Saturday night. This doesn’t mean they won’t ever be ready for a little back-door action, but take it easy there cowboy, okay? Maybe start with a pinkie and work your way up from there. Of course, we’re speaking metaphorically.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You’re a very generous person: You give out help like it was growing on trees, you’re a lender but not a borrower, and in the bedroom you’re quite the giver. But when it comes to commitment, fuhgeddaboutit. Put a cork in your butt and crown yourself “Miss(ter) Anal Retentive.” Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Just be sure you’re not faking anyone out with your generosity of spirit in every other department.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
A plus B equals C. C is good. But soon, D is going to come into the equation. Depending on your math skills, D will probably divide C, which may or may not lead to a negative solution. One thing is for sure, there is not enough room in this formula for C and D. See, you do need to use this stuff in your adult life!

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You’re chasing luvvers like a kid collecting fireflies, except you’re too busy to play with them so you just leave them in a jar on your bookshelf. Don’t hog the hotties: If you can’t give them the attention they deserve, let them fly free to light up the skies for the rest of us. And yes, we’d like a Whopper with that cheese.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You’re what they like to call “a challenge.” (“Commitment-phobic tease” would be another way of putting it, but we’re feeling nice this week. ) You’ve been “challenging” potential suitors for so long now, what’s the point in stopping unless you’re really, really sure? As our mothers like to intone while getting that same faraway, dreamy look in their eyes that they do when listening to old Elvis records: You’ll just know.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You can have anyone you want this week. Walk down the street, look around — anyone! Ride the subway…anyone! Browse the Personals…anyone! Anyone in the whole, wide world. Except your relatives, anyone you work with, people with incompatible sexual preferences, anyone more than five years older or younger than you, blondes, anyone who makes more than 10K more than you, people more famous than you, and anyone who you haven’t been introduced to by a friend yet. Now go get ‘em, tiger.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
In the immortal words of Frankie Goes to Hollywood: Relax, don’t do it, when you want to come…Was anyone else scarred for life when they first saw that gross video with the two guys in business suits scratching each others’ eyes out? Make love, not war, man.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Lately, living with you has been kind of like wearing control-top pantyhose all day long. Ease up a little and work on those control issues, unless you want a dog as your closest companion.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Your astrological advice this week comes from the “No Duh” file: Do things you like and you’ll meet likeminded people. The stars must really need a vacation.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You’ve been treating commitment like a funny-shaped hat of late: You put it on every now and then ’cause you kind of like the way it suits you, but the idea of making it a permanent part of your wardrobe seems ridiculous. You would break fewer hearts (and have to make fewer mad dashes for the nearest exit) if you stopped preening around the hotties with your “I am Mr. /Ms. Commitment” act, which is about as lame as a beret.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
A double great feeling making you realize double mint is the one for you. Double fresh. Double smooth. Double delicious to chew. A double pleasure’s waiting for you…Don’t sell yourself short in the meantime — there’s someone out there for you, and when you find them, it’ll be “double pleasure” all the way. “How much longer?” you ask. What do we look like, astrologers?

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Your New Year’s Stars: 12-30-13

December 30, 2013

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photo by jekert

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Remember that Paul Newman quote about infidelity: “Why fool around with hamburger when you have steak at home?” We give the sentiment two thumbs up (yay monogamy!), but the analogy is a little weak. Sometimes you do just want a hamburger, right? Even when you’ve got steak at home. You’re thinking ketchup, onions, tomato, swiss cheese, bacon, mushrooms, special sauce — the works. Especially this week. And right now, no one’s making you choose between hamburger, steak, sausage, chicken, and the other white meat — so why should you? Just make sure that next week, you stick to lettuce leaves and carrots to give your heart (and soul, and gentials) a break. And after that palate cleanser, we suggest you make it your New Year’s resolution to make like Paul Newman and find a dish to call your own.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
To paraphrase a line from one of Lo’s favorite movies, The Four Seasons: ”Your thoughts are like gumballs that just drop down from your brain onto your tongue.” To put it less delicately, you’ve got diarrhea of the mouth when it comes your romantic emotions. Your New Year’s resolution: Remove feet from your diet completely. However, you can put a sock in it. Socks are okay.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Remember when Geraldo drunk-Tweeted that topless selfie in the middle of the night? (How will any of us ever forget that image?) There are things in this world that are meant only for the person you share a bed with. Your New Year’s resolution: Sext like crazy, send dirty SnapChats to the one you love, but keep it private, people! And for every minute you spend on social media, make sure you spend at least a minute lavishing attention on your other half.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Oh, this really cracks us up. The stars have a teeny-tiny recommendation for you this week: Don’t settle for anything less than someone who can stimulate you intellectually and inspire you. Yeah, like it’s really that easy. No big deal, right? Geez, and all this time we’ve been chasing dullards with no sex appeal. How come no one told us we should chase the catch of the day?

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Resolve to never forget that, despite the dodgy suit jackets and bad hair days, the Supremes got it right: You can’t hurry love.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You will be in a mood to party this week. Which is fortunate, because it really sucks to be in a “Why don’t you all just go screw yourselves” mood at this time of year. Accept all invitations to party: a connection made at one event could be long-lasting. Unlike the connections made at all the other events, which will be fleeting, superficial conversations about the price of mistletoe and how to stop a tree from shedding its needles.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You can’t always get what you want. And sometimes, when you don’t, you have a tendency to punch, kick, scream, and bite. Let’s work on some self-control issues this year.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
It’s time to conquer your fear of all things sensual: start with candles, work up to soft jazz and bubble baths — by the end of the year you could be an expert in erotic massage!

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
In Pedro Almodovar’s Talk to Her (his perviest, most disturbing — yet somehow sweetest — film), a man is asked, “Are you single?” and he responds, “Yes, I’m alone.” Which is kind of how you’ve been feeling lately: “One is the loneliest number,” and all that claptrap that seems so much more depressing when you don’t have a date for New Year’s Eve. But maybe your attitude isn’t helping. You’re not alone, you’re number one! Your New Year’s resolution: When you meet a hottie, focus on flirting, not gut-spilling. Save the woe-is-me for the second date.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
This year, do not shag the married, the recently dumped, the commitment-shy, the strange (both weird and unknown: get to know them first) or the gay (unless you’re gay, in which case, don’t date the straight).

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Don’t be so argumentative all the time. It’s the holidays — everyone’s too stuffed with crescent rolls and eggnog to give a shit about your debate-of-the-week right now. Can’t you just drop all the “issues” for a few days and think about getting laid like the rest of us? Your resolution for the week: Have another glass of wine and stay a while. Have you ever danced on a bar-top? Now is as good a time as any.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Resolve to ask yourself these questions before having sex this year: 1. Do I really want to have sex? 2. Do I care if I never see them again? 3. Do I know their last name? 4. What was that they just said? 5. Do I have a condom? 6. Would I be just as happy with a game of chess?

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Your Holiday Stars: 12-23-13

December 23, 2013

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photo by Pink_Sherbet

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You know how sensual you can be? Well, it’s kinda freaking out your grandmother this week. You might want to tone it down a bit around the family — they’re starting to wonder what you’re doing in the bubble bath for so long, and the way you moaned over the creamy mashed potatoes made everyone blush. Once you’re out on the town, go nuts — we have a feeling even Santa’s celibate elves won’t have a chance around you.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You’ll be a joiner this week, eager to partake of all the festivities going on around you. You will be charming and free-spirited and all your family and friends will be glad you came home for the holidays. And you’ll make your partner dress up like Santa for sex and say ho ho ho when s/he climaxes.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Tis the season to be jolly, to overeat, to go deeper into debt and to get drunk and embarrass yourself at your office holiday party. Isn’t it just easier to admit that to yourself right now? Don’t fight the feeling — we know you’ve been waiting all year to proposition the occupant of cubicle no. 247.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Some people really know how to put the “sex” into “quality time with your loved ones this holiday season. ” Like Mariah Carey, for instance, singing “All I Want for Christmas” clad in a red and white fluffy boob tube. Or another for instance — you! All you want for Christmas is to get your freak on. This shouldn’t be a problem, as long as you’re not sharing a bedroom with your eight-year-old twin cousins.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Remember how when you were a kid and your mom told you to make a list for Santa and you really thought you could ask for anything? Remember wishing for world peace, a new kidney for your sick neighbor, and a better hair day for your math teacher? (What? That was just us? You asked for a pony? Greedy brat. ) Anyway, we got older and we started to ask for things we knew we’d get. Sometimes we even stuck Post-It notes on certain pages of our favorite catalog to make sure our parents got it right. We sure do miss the magic, but at least we get great presents now. Anyway, where were we? Oh, your love life, right. You should temper your expectations if you want to relate romantically. In other words, don’t ask for the equivalent of a flat screen TV when it comes to sex, or you’re sure to be disappointed. We should know.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You will be in a mood to party this week. Which is fortunate, because it really sucks to be in a “Why don’t you all just go screw yourselves” mood at this time of year. Accept all invitations to party: a connection made at one event could be long-lasting. Unlike the connections made at all the other events, which will be fleeting, superficial conversations about the price of mistletoe and how to stop a tree from shedding its needles.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You’ll be hard to resist if you attend social functions this week, and you won’t have to say much in order to attract attention. Your body language will speak for itself. Of course, if instead you spend the week stuffing your face and getting drunk on egg-nog while playing board games with your family, then all that charisma will just float up the chimney. But hey, we’re sure there’ll be other weeks like this.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Don’t accept a ride on any old reindeer. Wait until you meet the one who really makes your bells jingle.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Have you ever wished that you were a bimbo or himbo for a night? That you could just stand in the corner looking all cute and that would be enough? Well do we have a holiday gift for you! It’s a one-week, all access bimbo-himbo pass. This holiday season, your animal magnetism is all it will take to literally charm the pants off the object of your desire. Nothing you say will change their mind either way. Except for maybe your joke about the seal and the cappuccino. Yeah, we’d retire that one for good.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Others will find you difficult to keep up with this week. Maybe it’s because you got a snowmobile for Christmas and they just got a new scarf. Slow down and give the cute ones a chance to catch up: the wait may be worth your while . . . Are you sick of the holiday metaphors yet? Too bad, there’s more coming.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
This is our favorite time of the year, when the only decision we have to make is whether or not to have seconds. Okay, scratch that: the only decision we have to make is whether or not to change into our stretchy pants before eating seconds. You, on the other hand, have a big decision to make. Yeah, you know what we’re talking about, the massive decision that’s been hanging around like an elephant in a Santa suit. Go ahead and make up your mind, you won’t regret it.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You’re suffering from what a friend of ours likes to call the “Something About Mary” syndrome: you keep morphing into someone else’s vision of the perfectly impossible man’s woman or woman’s man or woman’s woman or . . . you get the idea. (And aren’t you glad we didn’t make a “mystery hair product” joke?) You’re changing so fast, people are finding it hard to relate to you. Plus, it’s not good for the soul. Retreat for a while, rest up, spend some good holiday time with your family and/or friends and remember who it is you are, and who you’re looking for. If you promise to do all this for us, we promise that your horoscope next week will include a couple of jokes and maybe even a dose of that witty, dry Em-and-Lo special ingredient that you’ve come to know and love.

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Your Weekly Stars: 12-16-13

December 16, 2013

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Ouch. Sometimes the stars really tell it like it is. Like this week, they say you’ve got to lower your standards. Don’t worry, we don’t think you’re going to have to slum it; this week’s reading is probably just going for high melodrama to make sure you pay attention. But remember, at one extreme are the overly demanding perfectionists, and at the other extreme are all the wishy-washy types who stay with someone for their “potential.” Don’t let this horoscope scare you into the latter extreme. Rather, reconsider the standards you’re using to judge someone: Do a couple of cavities and bad flossing habits really constitute a relationship deal-breaker?

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
We know, we know, you just want to get busy first and ask questions later. But good things come to those who wait, and those who wait eventually come real good. Um, anyway, get to know your partner better: find out their favorite color, do the crossword together, call their therapist, tail them when they leave your apartment just to see where they go without you…

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
If you want fast times with fast ladies (or fast gentlemen), you’ve got to keep up. You can’t be taking snack breaks every five minutes.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
According to the stars, you’ll be so busy “gallivanting” this week that you may forget to take note of all the appreciative attention you’ve been garnering lately. Gallivanting’s a funny old thing, isn’t it? When your grandmother says it, she means skipping through fields, and when we say it, we mean playing the field. Anyway, whatever kind of field you’re operating in, be sure to stop and smell the poppies.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
It’s the holiday season, people, why overanalyze everything? Why not focus on your partner for a change, instead of “the state of the relationship. ” Don’t put this paramour under the microscope just yet — they’re not ready for your pessimistic and picky questions and observations. That’s what New Year’s Resolutions are for.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Blame it on hormones, blame it on too many romantic comedies last week, blame it on procreating Hollywood couples like Kanye and Kim — whatever it is, you’ve got the urge to merge. Permanently. Avoid socializing in your same old haunts, lest you wind up making a lifelong commitment to your favorite barfly — think outside the box.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Remember that album by Pat Benatar called “Get Nervous”? The cover had her in black tights and black boots and a straight jacket with a creepy pin of a screaming baby on the sleeve. God, we loved that album. Its title track could be your anthem this week: “Anxiety, got me on the run. Anxiety, I just need someone. Anxiety, can’t get nothing done. Anxiety, spoils all the fun.” Pat always speaks the truth.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
People need people, but people get really annoyed by needy people. There’s a fine line between confidently stating your needs and wants, and wrapping yourself around someone’s ankle after the first date and begging, “Don’t leave me this way!” If you’re tempted to be too needy with a recent acquaintance, buy yourself a tub of ice cream. Or a puppy.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Suppress your road rage; be polite to your troll of a boss; give a saccharine smile to the neighbor who kept you up blaring the Phantom of the Opera soundtrack all night; give a penny, don’t take a penny. Channel all that aggression into the bedroom instead — with your partner’s permission, of course, though we have a feeling they’ll be delighted. Take charge for a change, and tell them what you’re going to do to them. And then do it…to “The Music of the Night.”

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
The world is your field this week. Play it. Play hard. Play fair. Play to win. Rehydrate often.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Who’s gonna drive you home…tonight? You are, baby, ’cause you’re in the driver’s seat of the lovemobile this week! Just obey all speed limits and yield where necessary, because if you fight the law, the law will win.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
This week’s advice is very hard for us to dish out. It goes against everything we believe in, and it gets at the very core of what is wrong in so many relationships. But it’s only temporary, right? Short-term evil for long-term good? The ends justify the means? We hope you appreciate the gymnastics of self-justification we go through in order to stay in the business of advising you on your future. Anyway, here it is, we’ll say it real fast and pretend it never happened: Playalittlebithardtoget.

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Your Weekly Stars: 12-09-13

December 9, 2013

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
We hope you’ve got your Amber Vision shades at the ready, because this week the stars want you to lunge your way into the spotlight and flaunt your stuff, baby.  (You might want to wear Spandex and stretch first.) The response will be overwhelming, the stars assure us. That’s right, ’cause nobody can resist the power of Amber Vision.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
It’s an old self-help adage: Stress doesn’t happen to you, it’s something that you create. Sure, bad stuff happens, and things don’t always go the way you’d like. (For instance, the people you’d like to take out to a nice classy dinner at Chili’s don’t always want that honor — go figure.) But how you choose to react to those things is entirely up to you. You could sit home alone and sulk; you could get drunk and make one more attempt at being a Dionysian sex god on the phone at 3 a. m.; or you could channel your frustrations into creating some kind of art, or at least into having a nice dinner with your friends…who happen to bring along that new person from their office…who happens to be a hottie with nice eyes who adores Chili’s.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Come on in, the water’s fine! The next stage in your relationship may appear to be as murky and cloudy as the water down-river from a nuclear power plant, but we’ve gone ahead and done a few lab tests for you on the water — it turns out it’s just your glasses that are smudged. Take them off.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
This week you will walk around wearing that vague, glassy look common to those afflicted with puppy love (or by an addiction to prescription drugs). Some people may find this annoying. We think it’s quite charming. Don’t let anyone snap you back to reality until you’re good and ready to come back; the others are just jealous they’re not in your happy place.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
“You can’t make someone love you,” goes the common wisdom. Well, common wisdom can take its self-righteous condescension and shove it. How can people not expect you to push back when the one you love pushes you to the edge? It’s how you push that makes the difference: lather up with honey first, not vinegar.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Did you get a new haircut? A new outfit? Have you been working out? Gone vegetarian? Finally discovered the simple joys of a finger you-know-where during onanism? Whatever it is, it’s given you a glow this week that cannot be ignored. Like mosquitoes to bright neon zappers, hotties will flock to you just to get burned.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
The Green-Eyed Monster is usually just a harmless tag-along, someone you humor and hang out with on rare occasions. But be careful, because this week he might get you totally hammered at some dive bar while talking rubbish about whatever game you’ve got going. Then you’ll wake up on the sidewalk somewhere with the vague recollection of having done something really stupid to mess up your, in hindsight, pretty perfect romantic sitch. And G. E. M. won’t be around to hold back your hair while you boot.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Lucky you, Scorpio: it’s cliche week!…You can’t have something for nothing. If you aren’t willing to give you won’t receive. There’s no “I” in “team.” Think twice before you speak. A promise is a promise. Don’t poop where you eat.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Secret affairs always begin on a high note: furtive glances over the cubicle wall, steamy IMs, desperate gropings in the supply closet, “working late” again (at least, that’s what we imagine goes on in other offices). But then you realize that you’ve got no one to bring home for the holidays (to use as a buffer between you and your parents) and you start to wonder what it might be like to have sex in a bed without your underwear stuck around your knees. Before you get seduced by a clandestine tryst, remember that there won’t be any cuddling. And cuddling’s nice sometimes.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
It’s always the quiet ones. Don’t believe us? Take the quiet one to bed this week (and leave the smooth talkin’ seducer out in the cold). You’ll get it then. And you’ll know what we’re talking about, too. Badum ching.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You’re going to feel sexeee all week. The more you talk about what you like, the more likely you are to receive it. Especially if you say it in your sexeee voice.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
It’s a common human trait to expect life to be good and to be easy. It’s a common human reality that life is often not these things: the sex is bad, or non-existent, and it rarely shows up on your doorstep with no strings attatched. But you can help yourself by being proactive, getting off your tush and searching for what it is you want instead of waiting for it to come to you. It’s like those people who always say they’re bored — the only one responsible for their boredom is themselves. If only they’d take out a personal ad or go get a new vibrator.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 12-02-13

December 2, 2013

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
There’s a fine line between being generous and being taken advantage of. You Aries aren’t suckers, so don’t be the first. If you find that you’re always picking up the tab, buying presents, and supporting someone else’s bling bling habit, then either drop the mooch or else send us some cash.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
If you aren’t one hundred percent sure when it comes to a relationship that you’ve been toying with, it’s best to back off. Because if you pick someone up, you will have trouble letting him or her down later on. And you know you’ve got that bad back. So bend at the knees.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You can’t make yourself necessary to someone — that’s something that happens organically, over the course of a relationship. And you definitely can’t be “needy enough for the both of us.” That’s what we like to call “desperate” or “scary.” So chill out.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Decisions, they’re so difficult, aren’t they? Which one to go to dinner with? Which one to go down on? How many players in the playing field is too many? Oh, it’s all so confusing and bothersome. What the heck, why not keep them all in your rotation for now and let the decision make itself when they discover what a ten-timing bastard you really are.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Aren’t you just the superficial biatch? (That goes for you dudes, too.) So what if they haven’t heard the new Arctic Monkeys album? So what if they still fold and pin their jeans? Are you really going to rule out a hottie just because they think Dancing with the Stars is the “coolest thing ever”? Jeez, you’re so uptight. Relax your standards a bit and save the scathing judgments for the second date.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Here’s the line. Here’s you putting your heart on it. Here’s someone punting your heart all the way into New Jersey. If you want to win the game, keep your heart off the line.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You should actively pursue someone you’re into. That means you too, ladies. “But what about the possibility of rejection?” you whine. Rejection is a character builder. Now get out there and hustle.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
We could be nice and say that you’re a dreamer, that you’ve got your head in the clouds. But we’re gonna be meaners: You’ve got your head up your tush. And with an obstructed view like that, you’re not going to be able to see that what you want and what your partner wants are two different things. Take a laxative, clear your pipes, get your head back on straight, wipe your eyes, and then you might be able to get on the same page with your honey.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Do you like to dance? Well, the stars say you should put on your dancing shoes. They may just be using that as a metaphor for getting out and socializing. But we prefer a more fundamentalist interpretation: you should seriously go out dancing this week. No, seriously. All that tension needs to be released, and a spinning class at the gym ain’t gonna cut it. You need to get in touch with your inner Martha Graham: shake that body, shake your groove thing, do the hippy hippy shake. It’s sure to work like some ancient mating ritual. Just be picky when it comes to picking partners for the bump and grind.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
We know you claim that heights don’t scare you, but you’re simply not ready for the jump of your life. We recommend chilling in the cockpit and enjoying the complimentary bevvies while you change your mind another couple hundred times or so. This time, you might decide that you’d actually rather land while inside the plane. And that’s cool, man.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
The earth is being raped by fast food chains, AIDS is still wiping out entire villages around the world, sex trafficking is at an all time high, and life has no meaning. But go on, go out and mingle, attract all sorts of potential partners — as long as you don’t lead anyone on, you’re doing your part to help make this world a better place. How big of you.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
The stars oh-so-casually mention that “a possible life-long partner” may cross your path this week. So no pressure, or anything. Jeez, we really hope that big zit clears up before the humanoid of your dreams comes around. ‘Cause the potential life-long partner doesn’t have to stop being superficial until after the fifth date.

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Happy Thanksgiving Horoscopes: 11-25-13

November 28, 2013

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) This week, get stuffed on our horos!

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Don’t lead anyone on this week. Yes, it sucks to dump someone right before the holidays. But here’s the silver lining: You’ll be giving them the opportunity to wear their stretchy pants at the dinner table without having to dress nicely for you.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Just because Jealousy keeps showing up on your doorstep, doesn’t mean you have to invite it in for dinner. You know how Jealousy gets, belching at the table and hogging all the seconds. If Jealousy gets a place-setting, you risk driving away those you love.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You’re still living in the past and that won’t help you find love. This Thanksgiving, don’t spend the weekend moping over old photos and third-grade love letters. Get out and mingle with the locals. We’re sure there’s someone your mother has been dying to set you up with: What have you got to lose besides your dignity and self-respect?

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Give thanks for all the confidence you have, all the knowledge you possess, all the smooth moves you can throw down like butter, because they’re going to make you more appealing than a pool-sized vat of creamy mashed potatoes you could swim in naked. Now that’s hot.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You’re so hot this week you sizzle like a giant Butter Ball. Telephone the person that you’ve been admiring and let him or her know that you’re interested. But don’t call Thursday and disturb their Thanksgiving dinner. Wait until Friday. Friday is a good day.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
This week, you might finally start to feel like settling down. Then again, it could just be a post-turkey food coma. Hold off on any rash decisions until next week, when there are no more leftover crescent rolls to cloud your judgement.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You won’t be safe from the onslaught of holiday propaganda about idealistically (i. e. impossibly) perfect familial love. It’ll get you dreaming about the future, love, commitment. You may even want to change your ways a bit to help make those dreams a reality. Sucker.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Check your motives when it comes to love. If you’re in it for the stuffing, maybe it’s time to reevaluate your priorities.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
If love is a Thanksgiving Day feast, then you are in control of the kitchen. We’re talking about everything from preheating the oven to making the toast. And if you so choose to put mini-marshmallows in the yam casserole, well then that’s your right. And there’s no shame in that, because you’re the one wearing the apron (and nothing else, you dirty bird).

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Several Thanksgivings ago, Em set fire to the turkey. Not sure what to do, we called the fire department for “advice. ” But rather than offer counseling and cooking tips over the phone — apparently that’s against their policy — they sent over three truckloads of hunky New York City firefighters. Sigh. And the moral of the story is . . . um . . . yeah, there really isn’t one, we just like reliving the memory. But if you must have a moral, we suppose we could pull one outta our turkey hole: Go ahead and make that booty call, ’cause you may just be rewarded beyond your wildest fire-pole fantasies.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You’ll have trouble hiding the way you feel. An overwhelming urge to spend every minute with someone you meet will take you by surprise. The stars say, Go for it! That means accepting the Thanksgiving dinner invitation to meet the potential future in-laws. It does not mean showing up unnannounced on Thursday with a cornucopia ice sculpture.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You know how after five hours of preparation, as you get closer to sit-down time, things start to move really quickly in the kitchen and timing is everything? If you don’t pay enough attention to the crescent rolls, they’ll come out burned; if you don’t baste the Tofurkey with love, it will be dry; and if you set out the cranberry sauce too soon, it will develop a thin, nasty crust. You have to act fast and stay calm if you want the fruits of your labor to be tasty. If you haven’t figured it out by now, this is a metaphor.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 11-18-13

November 18, 2013

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Rose-colored glasses are good for depressed pessimists who need a little something to brighten their outlook on life. They are not so good for naive and deluded idealists who have a problem seeing things for what they are. Aries, our friend, you’re falling into the latter category this week. Bless you for being so trusting and hopeful, but we’d hate to see you end up just asking for lemon when someone tries to pass off a doggie water bowl served on a silver tray as high tea.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You need to keep your wits about you this week. Don’t operate any heavy machinery or ask anyone out to dinner while under the influence of your libido. Do whatever it takes to keep those hormones in check — read The Nation, watch C-SPAN, call your grandmother, clip your toenails in bed. On second thought, don’t ever clip your toenails in bed.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You all know the difference between Mr. /Ms. Right and Mr. /Ms. Right Now. And conventional wisdom would have you believe that entertaining a Right Now while you wait for The Right One is okey dokey. But not this week. Because chances are your Right Now, whom you might even think is a Mr. /Ms. Right, is going to turn out to be a Swimfan or a “Two and a Half Men” show addict. Best to wait. And wait… and wait if you have to. Not being stalked or having to bad CBS sitcoms will be worth it.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
The stars warn that being too affectionate with someone you just met could lead to a one-night stand. We think they’re talking about getting sloppy drunk and slurring, “My place or yours?” while leaning into your date for balance. Which is not always the worst way to while away a Tuesday night. But this week, resist the urge to bed someone immediately if they seem like a keeper: Save a little something for later. If they’re not a keeper, feel free to go ahead and do the dirty, as long as the feeling’s mutual.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
It’s the curse of the shy person: People mistake your vibe for cool aloofness. Indifference may appeal to some people, like the ones who never got over being rejected by the “cool crowd” in high school and are constantly trying to rewrite their past. But most people with the basic insecurities will just think you’re not being nice to them because they’ve done something wrong or you don’t like them. Make every effort to come out of that shell and prove to people you’re not a cold-hearted snake, but a warm, outgoing person with just a bit of a librarian streak.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Make like Olivia Newton John and get a little exercise. Spandex optional. The stars aren’t entirely clear why this is a particularly good week for you to work out; we’re guessing it means there’s no good news on the love life front and they’re just trying to avoid the issue. But hey, rock-hard abs are rock-hard abs.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
We’re going old school here: Remember (or ever hear of) Frogger on Atari? It was one of the first at-home video games. On one of the levels, you had to jump from moving lily pad to moving lily pad as quickly as possible without biting it big-time before you reached the next level. This week, you’re the frog, and every lily pad is a person you’ll meet. The only difference is… okay, one of the many differences is that should you land on a comfy lily pad you like, take your coat off, stay a while, and use a condom.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
This is a good week to stay at home twiddling your thumbs all week. Don’t blame us, blame the stars. We still think you’re cool. Plus, it’s going to be a good hair week. So that’s something.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
This week, do what you do so well: be playful, be childlike, and be the boss. Which could be construed as a polite way of describing that other thing you do so well: Throwing down a tantrum. But you know the difference, and so do we: It’s about having fun, enjoying being in the driver’s seat, and not crying like a big ol’ baby.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Don’t let someone in your family push you into a blind date. Because just as you can pick your partners and you can pick your nose but you can’t pick your partner’s nose, your friends and family can’t pick your partners or your partners’ noses. Opt out gracefully from the set-up and no one will get hurt. We said just put down the blind date down and walk away… slowly, slowly.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Everyone will want to be by your side this week. Whether or not that might have something to do with the fact that you got front row seats to John Tesh in concert, we can’t be sure. But we can guarantee that someone intriguing will tell you how he or she feels. Whether or not “intriguing” means they actually have worse taste in music than you, we can’t be sure.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
The stars say that you should wait for a sign before divulging the contents of your heart to someone. ‘Cause it turns out they might just want to be friends. In a perfect world, we’d be able to tell you exactly what form this “sign” is going to take. But damn it, we don’t live in a perfect world, so you’ll just have to figure that one out for yourself. Best of luck to ya.

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