photo via Flickr

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You know how after five hours of preparation, as you get closer to sit-down time, things start to move really quickly in the kitchen and timing is everything? If you don’t pay enough attention to the crescent rolls, they’ll come out burned; if you don’t baste the turkey with love, it will be dry; and if you set out the cranberry sauce too soon, it will develop a thin, nasty crust. You have to act fast and stay calm if you want the fruits of your labor to be tasty. If you haven’t figured it out by now, this is a metaphor.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Move on. S/he’s never coming back. That’s what you get for burning the turkey last year.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Check your motives when it comes to love. If you’re in it for the stuffing, maybe it’s time to reevaluate your priorities.

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photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
The time is perfect to fall in love. All you need is a spunky Gemini or Leo or Aquarius. Oh sure, just go to the corner store and pick one up. They’re on sale, conveniently lined up on the shelf in alphabetical order. Right next to world peace and those cute little flying pigs.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
If you must take candy from strangers, make sure it’s wrapped.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
If you’re Little Red Riding Hood, then the object of your affection is the wolf. Which may not necessarily be a bad thing if you’re down for having sex like wild, rabid animals. But if you’re expecting frills, pot pourri, and home-baked goods from this relationship, you’ve got another thing coming.
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photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Don’t mix business with pleasure this week. The gossip-mongers by the water cooler are hungry for fresh meat. You could be the pastrami in their scandal sandwich if you’re not careful. But then again, what do you care what those losers think? They’re not the boss of you . . . Or are they?

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
No matter how many new shirts you buy, how many manicures you get, how much money you throw around, or how much affection you offer, your attempts to impress will be moot. People will see through you like a thinly sliced sliver of ginger. Of course, they won’t say no to the affection. But their lack of reciprocation will burn worse than wasabi on your tender, pink parts.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Everyone has a “one who got away.” If you don’t make your move soon, you’ll be getting another. Block all the exits and don’t let them leave until you’ve made them an offer they can’t refuse. Or at least get their email address.

Read the rest of this entry »

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Drink martinis (shaken, not stirred), practice your witty repartee (Hottie: “Hi, Justin Time.” You: “Yes you are.”) and pick up a few gadgets from The Sharper Image. Channel the spirit of James Bond this week (the Connery version, naturally), and you’ll have countless romantic possibilities faster than you can say “Octopussy meets Goldfinger.”

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
There is an art to persuasion. And this week, you are a grand master in the art of persuasion. You’re the Picasso of pick-up lines! The Van Gogh of “let’s go”! The Monet of amore! You get the picture–now get out there and paint the picture.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Love is like a hurricane. A big-time whirlwind that’s exciting and dramatic and sometimes has devastating consequences. Sometimes it’s enough to keep you inside with your bottled water and books by candlelight. But this week, you should brave the elements.
Read the rest of this entry »

photo via Flickr

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)

How can anyone resist you this week? Especially in that provocative Halloween costume you chose to don this year. We know, that’s like hearing it from your grandmother — we’re supposed to tell you that you’re stunning and smart and great in bed. (What, your grandmother never told you that?) But this week, we actually mean it.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
It’s like you’re reliving that Halloween party back in the early nineties when you dressed up like Dieter from “Sprockets” and told people in mid-conversation, “You have grown tiresome!” before walking away to get another drink. This week, though you may think it, don’t actually say it. And for god’s sake, don’t be caught dead in a black turtleneck and leggings.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Dress up for Halloween as Yoda this year and then use his quote “Foreplay, cuddling…A Jedi craves not these things.” And then add “Fortunately, a Jedi you are not.” Note: Just make sure you’re not talking to someone dressed as Luke or Leah.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
That hot-hot-hot-hottie at the Halloween party may not be showing their true colors. Remember, the sexier their costume, the more likely they are to be a total vanilla prude the rest of the year.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Honey, it’s like Martha Stewart herself lovingly painted you in skin-friendly rubber cement and then gently dipped you in a tub of multicolored sequins — that’s how dazzling you’ll be this week. And when you radiate a sparkle like that, the masses just can’t help but look and be hypnotized. Think of it as a fabu Halloween costume. So get out there and glow — just try not to blind anyone in the process.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You’ve got your own personal genie this week who can grant you one romantic wish. But beware the dangers of wish fulfillment. Think carefully and choose wisely. You may end up with that extra two inches you asked for, but you’ll get it via some rare and painful STD; or you may finally get married, as you’ve always dreamed — but to a cute, yet dense, eighteen-year-old surfer boy after a blurry weekend of excess in Vegas. You may wish for a Halloween hook-up, only to realize the person you went home with wasn’t wearing a mask.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Resist the temptation to sit home and watch reruns of “Halloweeen: H20.” Why watch fools get their heart broken (literally with a knife) when there are plenty of fools to interact with in the flesh right outside your front door? Try dressing up like Michael Meyers for Halloween this week and see if you can’t break some hearts of your own — figuratively, of course.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You’re going to be impossible to resist this week, so make sure you’re not handing out “Halloween party invitations” to people who really should resist you (your best friend’s significant other, your first cousin, your heartbroken ex, your pet, etc.).

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
If you always fall in love when you least expect it, then stop expecting it and maybe it will finally happen. Which nineteenth-century British philosopher was it who said, “Expect nothing and you’ll be infinitely happy”? He might make a good costume, if you want to attract anglophiles with a soft spot for Merchant-Ivory productions.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Consider yourself warned: There are some people who will assume that just because you’re dressed as a crack whore this Halloween (yet another “Fifty Shades”–inpspired costume), you want to be treated as such. So be prepared to point out the line between fantasy and reality. And practice saying the word no . . . and meaning it.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You’re ready to turn this relationship up to eleven. Prove your commitment by dressing in drag for Halloween. Unless of course you’re an actual drag king or queen, in which case Halloween should be a casual day.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
A little birdie told us that you’ll either tell a lame joke, have food in your teeth or break serious wind while talking to someone who gets your heart fluttering at your local costume ball. Play it safe and just hang with your homies in your coordinated Avenger costumes for the time being. Save your big moves for pre-Thanksgiving parties instead.

MORE FROM EMandLO.com:

• What If Your Boyfriend Is on the Small Side?
• How Long Can a Virgin Make a Guy Wait?
• Is Sex on a First Date a Relationship Killer?
• How to Buy a Sex Toy (With No Buyer’s Remorse)

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Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
This week, you may be asked to get off the fence regarding your plans for the future. If you can’t oblige this request, at least give an honest and kind explanation as to why (fear of commitment, fear of cohabitation, fear of heights). If you’re a good egg about it, you may get to straddle that fence for a few more weeks.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
If we had to describe you as an article of clothing this week, you’d be a pair of sexy fishnet stockings. If we had to describe you as an animal this week, you’d be a fox. If we had to describe you as a stock, we’d say, “Buy, buy, buy!” If we had to describe you as an egg this week, we’d say, you’ll get laid. Often.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Lucky you, Gemini: it’s cliche week! . . . You can’t have something for nothing. If you aren’t willing to give you won’t receive. There’s no “I” in “team.” Think twice before you speak. A promise is a promise. Don’t shit where you eat.

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photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Be careful what you wish for. Twelve-inch penises are way overrated, money can’t buy you happiness, and don’t let Brangelina fool you: Fame is a bitch. Being popular usually just means you’re constantly surrounded by people you don’t like. Take a closer look at someone outside of your inner circle. He or she won’t love you for your fame or money. They’ll just love you for you. Well, you and your big dick.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Friends don’t let friends make serious commitments under the influence. Which is why we need to tell you: It may feel like lurve, but that’s just your genitals trying to trick you into a good lay. This week, they’re the boss of you, so don’t go signing on any dotted lines or buying any rings. It might turn out to actually be true lurve, but there’s no way to tell that for sure until you’ve sobered up a little and taken off the beer goggles.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Remember how your momma always promised you that one day, someone would realize that all that glitters is not gold? That was just a nice way of her telling you that man, was your acne ever bad. Fortunately, little duckling, you’re all growed up now. But Momma was right: This week, someone special is finally going to figure out that it’s always the quiet ones. Someone is going to realize that sexual bragadaccio does not a good lover make. They’re going to see that the dirtiest dogs are the ones who are all bite and no bark. And you’re going to be the one to do all the enlightening.

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photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
A friend or relative will introduce you to someone new and (keep your fingers crossed) interesting. Of course, this could mean you’ll be meeting your Aunt Myra’s renowned and flamboyant gastroenterologist. But let’s be optimistic. If someone wants to set you up on a blind date, then be set up. The worst that could happen is that you’ll get some free samples of Tums.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Secret affairs always begin on a high note: furtive glances over the cubicle wall, steamy IMs, desperate gropings in the supply closet, “working late” again (at least, that’s what we imagine goes on in other offices). But then you realize that you’ve got no one to watch Glee with and you start to wonder what it might be like to have sex in a bed without your underwear stuck around your knees. Before you get seduced by a clandestine tryst, remember that there won’t be any cuddling. And cuddling’s nice sometimes.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Put on the full-body armor: Someone is about to take you for a ride and then throw you out to the sidewalk without slowing down.

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photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
If we wanted to tell you to “strut your stuff” without sounding like your parents, how would we do it? (Does anyone actually have “stuff” to “strut” anymore? ) Anyway, we don’t suggest you attempt an actual strut (John Travolta was the last person to pull one off, and even that’s debatable), but a gentle stroll can’t hurt.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
This week’s advice is very hard for us to dish out. It goes against everything we believe in, and it gets at the very core of what is wrong in so many relationships. But it’s only temporary, right? Short-term evil for long-term good? The ends justify the means? We hope you appreciate the gymnastics of self-justification we go through in order to stay in the business of advising you on your future. Anyway, here it is, we’ll say it real fast and pretend it never happened: Playalittlebithardtoget.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Uncertainties will continue to cloud your emotional decisions. Be an observer and you will gain the respect and confidence of someone who interests you. Be a self-centered narcissus who keeps talking just to hear the sound of their own voice and you will gain a one-way ticket to the German town Spaankenzeemunkee.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Play a game of cat and mouse this week. No, you can’t be the cat. You were the cat last time. Give someone else a chance for a change. Play it safe, eat some cheese, be the damn mouse. Hey, don’t even think about whipping out that black leotard. You’ll be the mouse and you’ll damn well like it!

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Whoever you’re currently with is going to hate us for this one (you yourself may even be a little bummed), but we recommend having the “Let’s just be friends” conversation with you-know-who. Hey, that’s just the way the cookie crumbles when you realize that what you want and what you’ve got are two different things.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
If we weren’t such generous, kind, selfless people, we’d say, “Stop polluting the dating pool!” Your charm is raising the barrier so high the rest of us just can’t compete. Fortunately, it makes us happy when you get laid.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You’re on the verge of a whirlwind romance. Lucky you!

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. For example, if you insist that your partner go see Hope Springs with you lest you withhold oral pleasure from them, they in turn might go get said oral pleasure from someone with good taste in movies. Or if you pressure your lover to open their backdoor before you agree to meet their ‘rents, that lover may open said backdoor all over your closet of expensive shoes before leaving your sorry ass and going back home for a nice family visit. This week, make especially sure that your actions will result in desirable equal and opposite reactions.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You’ve got a million things on your plate, you’re constantly on the go and you never shut up–and that’s a good thing. The hard part is finding someone who can keep up. Giving partners time to build up their enthusiasm muscles will help any potential relationships. So will secretly replacing their decaffeinated coffee with regular.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
We hope you’ve got your Amber Vision shades at the ready, because this week the stars want you to “take a powerful step into the spotlight and flaunt what you have to offer.” We’re not quite sure how one takes a “powerful step,” but you might want to wear Spandex and stretch first, just in case. The response, the stars tell us, will be “overwhelming.” That’s right, ’cause nobody can resist the power of Amber Vision.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Things you should take a chance on: growing a beard, eating vegetarian; telling potential partners that you used to be a folk singer but it made you too sad; posting your resume online; paying $3.99 to watch Margaret on Amazon. Things you should definitely not take a chance on this week: having sex with someone you barely know (yes, that includes oral); leaving the bathroom door unlocked while you rub one out in the office; waxing your butthole.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Kink is relative. (We think Freud said that.) For some, all it takes to spice things up is doing it before “Top Chef” instead of after. Others find themselves struggling to break out of the routine of the same old purple leather gimp suit, day in, day out. You may never have described yourself as “kinky” before now, but your latest partner is one of those “Top Chef”-watchers (we mean that in the nicest way). You are Kink Master. Your partner likes being Kink Student. Make them earn some extra credit this week.

photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
“This is the very ecstasy of love.” (II, i)

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
“There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, / Than are dreamt up in your philosophy.” (I, v)

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
“Get thee to a nunnery.” (III, i)

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
“Give it an understanding, but no tongue.” (I, ii)

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
“Doubt thou the stars are fire; / Doubt that the sun doth move; / Doubt truth to be a liar; / But never doubt I love.” (II, ii)

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
“All is not well; / I doubt some foul play.” (I, ii)

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
“Come, give us a taste of your quality.” (II, ii)

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
“I have heard of your paintings too, well enough; / God has given you one face, and you make yourselves another.” (III, i)

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
“Season your admiration for a while.” (I, ii)

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
“Assume a virtue if you have it not.” (III, iv)

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
“Beware/ Of entrance to a quarrel, but, being in, / Bear ‘t that th’ opposed may beware of thee. Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice; / Take each man’s censure, but reserve thy judgement.” (I, iii)

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
“To the noble mind / Rich gifts wax poor when givers prove unkind.” (III, i)