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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 11-11-13

November 12, 2013

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Things will get better as the week progresses. Try to have patience if the person you’ve been jonesing for hasn’t been too receptive. We hate to say it, but if you play a little hard to get, it will probably help. We’re stopping short of suggesting you send yourself flowers with a saucy little card from your imaginary luvva in the hopes that your true beloved sees this and suddenly realizes that yes, you are the person they are supposed to marry, mate, grow old with, and die next to.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Freedom, woah, freedom, that’s just some people talking: Your prison is walking through this world all alone. And so went a hundred thousand high school yearbook quotes. In the long run, we tend to be down with the Eagles’ pro-commitment philosophy. But if you commit to the wrong person, it sure can feel like a prison. Resist the urge to wallow in your loneliness while listening to old Eagles’ albums this week, and save all that commitment until you’re sure you’ve found a worthy recipient.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
If you put on a homemade sandwich board which reads “Have open heart, will fall for you” and go cruising the stopped traffic at red lights, you will get only one phone number, but you’ll score a lot of quarters for laundry.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You think you know, but you have no idea. We’re not talking about the next plot twist on “Homeland,” we’re talking about the inner workings of your heart. Don’t make any big decisions right now, ’cause you’ll only end up changing your mind and probably bumming someone out in the process. We can also tell you that the thing you were planning on doing with the heart-shaped cherry Jell-O mold is not a good idea.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You’ll be in a take-it-or-leave-it frame of mind this week. Don’t think for one minute that you won’t get another chance to find someone who will treat you better. Then again, don’t think for a minute that you can change your mind if your thinking was flawed. Take or leave wisely.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
There’s a problem, you solve it. A job needs doing, you do it. Some pipe needs laying, you lay it. These are all very attractive qualities that will get you some nice attention this week. Of course, you’ll be too busy doing odd jobs to notice.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Apparently you’ll be all about the sensuous body language this week. Which sounds to us more like excruciating amateur performance art than a dating M.O., but on you, it probably works. So do that sensuous thing you do so well and then start reelin’ ‘em in. Don’t forget the soft jazz and scented candles.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
The stars say it’s best for you to play the field a little longer and avoid commitment. But they always say that about you. “Oh, Scorpio, you’re a free spirit, a wild animal who can’t be tamed, an exotic bird that needs to fly!” But we’re starting to wonder if that’s just a nice way of saying that you don’t know what the heck you want. Here’s a not-so-nice suggestion: Either poop or get off the pot.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
We didn’t know the stars could be so shallow and money-hungry, but they’d like you to socialize at the more affluent establishments this week, where you can — and probably will — meet someone interesting, entertaining, and adventurous. Or at least obscenely rich. Even if your orifices don’t get filled, or at least filled well, maybe your pockets will.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
If life was like reality TV, you’d be in the lead. Fortunately, it’s not, and your speed seduction act is scaring away the hotties. Slow down and stop with all the cheering and high-fiving, okay? Nobody’s watching. Nobody cares.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You know how you’ve been feeling slightly less commitment-phobic of late? Well, this is about as good as it gets. So jump now into the relationship, go go go go go go go go! Seriously, it’s like free-falling from an airplane: terrifying for a few seconds and then freakin’ cool once the parachute opens. Of course, we’re not promising you won’t break a leg if you land awkwardly. . . geez, we can’t keep control of an extended metaphor for that long.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
We know that telling you not to be jealous is like telling you to stop the sea coming in — but remember that a jealous outburst is about as effective as building a sandcastle to turn the tide. You can drag a horse to the ocean but you can’t make it wear suntan lotion. Or something like that.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 11-04-13

November 4, 2013

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You are the driver. You are the lead in the show. You are the forward. You are the offense. You are the director. You are the captain. You are the reigning champion. You are the head of the department. You are the principal. You are the CEO. You are the boss. You are the bomb. You are the ball. So be it this week.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
When we say “get back in the saddle,” we don’t mean the one on that mangy old horse that’s been grazing in your paddock for years. You deserve a brand-new pony with a shiny new saddle. But until that pony shows up, show a little restraint, cowboy.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You must fulfill your need to enjoy a lustful and passionate encounter. Otherwise, you’ll find it hard to concentrate this week. Translation: You have permission to be a slut — just use protection.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
A rolling stone gathers no moss. Then again, a rolling stone is a pain in the ass to hang around with. You want to watch a movie, they just want to roll down a hill; you want to go to dinner, they just want to roll down a hill; you want to spoon, they just want to roll down a hill. Moss is nice. Moss is soft and green. Moss is comfy to nap on in the woods.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
If you’re the kind of person who holds the stare with a stranger longer, crosses a crowded room to initiate a conversation with said stranger, asks for a first date first, steals the first kiss, calls within two hours of leaving their apartment in the morning, sends flowers that afternoon, invites them to a family vacation the next day . . . well, then, just stop it! The thrill of the chase — ever heard of it? How about, Playing hard to get? No? Look: Calm, cool and collected are the ingredients for your booty recipe this week. Sit back and get laid back (if you know what we mean).

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
There’s a difference between sacrificing and settling. Sacrificing happens when you selflessly give up something for the good of a good relationship. Settling happens when you give up, period. This week, ask yourself which you’re doing.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You sure know how to pick ‘em, don’t you? Well, looks like you’ve got another winner on your hands. Before they sell you any land in Florida, maybe you should find out more than just their first name.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Sorry, we don’t speake Whinese. If you spent less time complaining about the little imperfections of your relationship (and in the scheme of things, they are little), and more time focusing on what you could do to be a better person and therefore a better partner . . . well, let’s just say the sex would vastly improve and leave it at that.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
If you have the ability to make someone feel good (and you know you do), why don’t you exercise that ability? If you don’t, that nice muscle will just atrophy. Then you’ll end up a miserable flabby old crab. Improve your karma and spread some damn sunshine, will you?

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Even the illusion of erudition should be enough to get you laid this week. For example, at the next cocktail party you attend, take a sip of red wine, steal from James Thurber and say, “It’s a naive domestic Burgundy without any breeding, but I think you’ll be amused by its presumption” — they’ll either laugh at your clever little joke or else be bowled over by your impressive knowledge of wines.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Isn’t it always the way? You’re in the mood for love, and everyone else around you isn’t. If only whining was an aphrodisiac. If only begging was sexy. If only you could nag people into submission. Until hell freezes over and that’s an actual option, ease up and just enjoy some quality alone time (if you know what we mean).

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You will freak out someone who interests you if you are too experimental when it comes to love and romance. Serenading is only romantic in the movies; in real life, it’s stalker-creepy. Getting a tattoo to prove your love is a bit overkill when you’ve only known them for a week. And stealing their underwear to make a shrine in your closet dedicated to them is just a tad much. You have to take baby steps if you want a relationship with someone special to go the distance.

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What Your Horoscope Thinks You Should Be for Halloween

October 28, 2013

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This week, we at EMandLO.com have interpreted the stars’ divine advice as it pertains to Halloween costume choice — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 
aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You’ll be on fire this week, adding spice to everything you touch. Costume: Hot sauce.
taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You need to be more social in order to find love. Costume: Julie McCoy from “The Love Boat” (complete with wig).
gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You’re unsure of your romantic feelings this week — don’t make any solid commitments. Costume: Low-resolution, pixelated image.
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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 10-21-13

October 21, 2013

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
It’s no where near your birthday, but it might as well be, because guess what? The stars insist that you play the field this week. Apparently your head and your heart are going in different directions, or something like that. What do you care, though? You’re too busy getting busy to notice.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Your heart will be in the right place this week. We know it’s kind of gross when people over-share in an attempt to create a stronger bond of friendship, but you shouldn’t be afraid of over-sharing this week. Pour out your heart to someone you’re fond of and you won’t be sorry. Which isn’t to say they won’t be sorry for asking “How are you?” Pick wisely, pick a good listener, don’t pick your bartender, and everyone will be the better for it.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You’ll change your mind about someone more often than you’ll change your underwear this week. (Come to think of it, you really should consider changing your undies a little more often.) Hold off on any decisions until the last possible minute — even then, you’ll probably want to change your mind one more time. Oh, who are we kidding? Just toss a coin on Monday and save yourself all that tough mental work.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 10-14-13

October 15, 2013

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
It’s a common human trait to expect life to be good and to be easy. It’s a common human reality that life is often not these things: the sex is bad, or non-existent, and it rarely shows up on your doorstep with no strings attatched. But you can help yourself by being proactive, getting off your ass and searching for what it is you want instead of waiting for it to come to you. It’s like those people who always say they’re bored — the only one responsible for their boredom is themselves. If only they’d take out a personal ad or go get some butt plugs.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Things to avoid this week: turkey burgers, phallic-shaped fruit, sex with delivery people and family members, tartar-control toothpaste and crack. Things to pursue: butt crack, butt crack, butt crack! Need we say more?

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You’re peppier than a high school cheerleader on speed this week. That could be a really hot, taboo, sex fantasy-type thing, or else a really annoying, spastic kind of thing. It all depends on the cheers you choose to do and the crowds you choose to do them in front of. Choose wisely.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 10-07-2013

October 7, 2013

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) Eeny, meeny, miney, moe, which one to shag, which one to let go? Before you go making any rash decisions, make sure you’ve got all your facts straight. In fact, we’d recommend not making a decision this week at all, because we’re 99.9 percent sure you’ll make the wrong one. (And we’re one hundred percent sure that one of them’s a real booby prize, and not in that good, cleavage kind of way. ) Get to know them both a little better first — it’s not “leading them on” if you don’t make any promises. By the way, sleeping with them both may postpone a decision, but it doesn’t meet the “not leading them on” qualification. So zip up, horny goat weed.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th) Someone you think is completely wrong for you, for whatever reason — bad hair, bad table manners, bad politics, bad breath — is going to keep pushing. Before you write them off completely, give them a second chance and a mint.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st) Sometimes love is like basketball and sometimes it’s like chess. In fact, if you like analogies as much as we do, love can be like any game we damn well say it is. This week, you’re supposed to get out and play the game of love. We won’t tell you what game specifically — just that, as long as you’re not doing anything that could be classified as bench-sitting (or worse, cheerleading), then you’re golden. Read the rest of this entry »



Your Weekly Horoscopes: 09-30-2013

September 30, 2013

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photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Sexual experimentation may be what you’re looking for, but the stars say dressing up in matching gimp suits will be much more rewarding if you really get to know someone first — how precious. So ask the sexual history questions, have some deep conversations about Kant’s Categorical Imperative, meet the parents, then get your kink on.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
This is not the week to give ultimatums. This is not a week to be a bully. This is not a week to start referring to your partner’s most recent exes as “the axis of evil.” This is not a week to send back your salad if the dressing’s not on the side. This is a week to take what gets thrown at you and like it. Trust us, you don’t want to suffer the consequences of fighting back this week. Just rent Barbie & the Magic of Pegasus, order a pizza, and wait it out.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
When it rains, it pours. You’re either in a draught with no puddle in sight, or you’ve got so many partners falling from the sky it’s impossible to choose. Yeah, we agree: We’d take rainy weather any day. And it looks like you’ve got heavy clouds rolling in. Just take your time and be selective about which raindrops you want to feel on your tongue. And wear your rubbers!
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Your Weekly (Sell-Out) Horoscopes: 09-23-2013

September 23, 2013

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photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) This week, it’s astrological truth in advertising… 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Kiss a little longer, hold hands a little longer, hold tight a little longer — whatever it takes to keep your sex drive on a leash this week (have you tried chewing Big Red?). If you come on too strong, your partner may be scared off.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
On the road of love, there are passengers and there are drivers. Drivers wanted this week.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Just do it.
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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 09-16-2013

September 16, 2013

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photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
In Buffy, the Vampire Slayer (the 1992 movie, of course), our shop-aholic savior doesn’t go out looking for fangsters. No, they come to her. She doesn’t act, she just reacts, breaking hearts left and right. You’ll be able to relate this week.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You may be in the mood for love but that doesn’t mean that your partner of choice will be. Resist the temptation to act like a frat boy at a party just who’s done three shots of Jager to muster up the courage to date rape the passed out chick in the back keg room (to paraphrase a brilliant line from Sam Lipsyte’s “Home Land”). Don’t act like Veruca Salt (original version) when she doesn’t get a golden egg, either. Just be the epitome of cool, like Johnny Depp or Joan Jet or Fonzie. Okay, maybe not Fonzie.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
If you say you’re going to do something, do it. Just do it. Do or do not; there is no try. If you can do all that, you’ll get done.
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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 09-09-2013

September 9, 2013

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photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You are cruisin’ for a bruisin’ of your heart (and other organs) if you don’t ease up on the quick and casual, purely physical trysts. Animal lust is a beautiful thing, but so is Barbie, and we all know she’s not the first person we’d want around when the shit comes down. There’s something to be said for having a partner who has more between their ears than rubber-smelling air.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Play a game of cat and mouse this week. No, you can’t be the cat. You were the cat last time. Give someone else a chance for a change. Play it safe, eat some cheese, be the damn mouse. And don’t even think about whipping out that black leather suit Ă  la Halle Berry in Catwoman. And put down that leotard. You’ll be the mouse and you’ll damn well like it!

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You’ve got a million things on your plate, you’re constantly on the go and you never shut up — and that’s a good thing. The hard part is finding someone who can keep up. Giving partners time to build up their enthusiasm muscles will help any potential relationships. So will secretly replacing their caffeine-free Diet Coke with Red Bull.

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