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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 03-10-14

March 11, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Open up your mouth
And speak the truth of your heart.
Easy on the tongue.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Move over, kick back,
Just go along for the ride.
Do not backseat drive.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Friends keep their pants on.
Friendship is overrated.
Kiss first. Names later.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You want to get head,
But if you have a big head,
You won’t get any.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Dinner and movies
Are for uninspired shmo’s.
Think: bunjee jumping.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Like a monkey’s butt
Your mojo is big and red.
People will notice.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Don’t be a hermit.
Go to your office drinks night.
Booze will kill the cheese.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Move forward with strength,
And confidence and charm.
Not spinach in teeth.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Your friends aren’t sex toys.
Neither is your neighbor’s dog.
Stick with your own hand.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Do not jump the fence.
The grass under your feetsies
Is fertile and green.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Actions speak loudly,
like raindrops on a tin roof,
or orgasmic moos.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
The leaf told the tree,
“I’ll fall off when I’m ready.”
Don’t pull leaves off trees.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 03-03-14

March 3, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Don’t look now, but — hey, we said don’t look! Geez, sometimes you’re about as subtle as a sneeze in church. Anyway, as we were saying, just over there in the corner, someone has their eye on you. We think they might be about to make their move. Avoid staring them down or otherwise scaring them off (e. g. sudden jerky motions, dramatic lifestyle changes, a new haircut) and you should find yourself being seduced very soon.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
So maybe you’ve got a month of dirty laundry, sixty-four hours of unwatched Tivo television, and a stack of unpaid bills at home. But this is not the week to hide your light under a bushel (or a load of laundry). You’ve got it all going on: great hair week, clear skin, zero water retention — all that and rhythm, baby. So accept every invite that comes your way and get out there and shine.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Don’t do anything this week, and love and romance will be yours. However, if you do do something, even one single thing, you run the risk of a lifetime of loneliness and depression. Have a good week!

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
“Feelings, nothing more than feelings. . . ” Whatever happened to smarts, common sense and a cunning plan? Be strategic in matters of the heart this week. We can’t promise that you’ll win the war, but at least if you lose you won’t look like a spinectomy patient driven by fuzzy feelings and neediness alone.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
We love you just the way you are. But it’s not about us, is it? (Though sometimes we forget that.) No, it’s about you. It’s about you feeling good about you. A few changes might be in order. You know, like a new job, a new hobby, a new hangout, a new therapy-inspired outlook on life, a new nose. You’ll be surprised how you’ll thrive in social situations after these changes (especially if you get that nose job).

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Sure, sometimes it’s good to sit at home and wallow in the meaning of your particular place in the universe (and whether or not you’ve been seated with the cool kids). But if you’d stop navel-gazing for a few minutes, you’d realize that a certain someone has been trying to make eye contact with you all night. Wake up and smell the hottie!

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
We know we’re always advising against secret affairs. This is because too many horoscope readers continue to engage in such unethical, deceitful, dishonest behavior, looking to the stars to justify their habit. You dirty dogs. This week, Libras are the ones in the high risk category for doing things they normally wouldn’t do, because normally they are good, decent, caring people. But this week? Proceed with caution. And consider yourself warned.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Scorpio, you know all those things you say after six too many gin and tonics? The nice things, we mean — when you get that slushy gushy feeling that you’re in love with the world and it seems like a good idea to wake one of the world’s citizens at five a. m. and tell them so. This week, forgo the Dutch courage and say all that gushy stuff anyway.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You know it’s always the hot ones you’re super attracted to who break your heart the worst. The cold-hearted cute ones who render you useless, lying in bed on weekend afternoons watching straight-to-video movies on cable and eating whole bags of chips in one sitting. Either that, or they just bore you to tears with their inane banter. Learn your lesson, talk some common sense into your hormones and get some depth — make sure the people you’re with have things to talk about besides their hair products.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
If your grandma sends a box of her famous pecan candies to your office, you share them with your colleagues. If you win the lottery, you buy your sister a car. If you make a killing in the tech world, you give a couple billion to charity. Same goes for all your charm and wit — share the wealth and spread sunshine. (It just might get you lucky.)

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Some may refer to it as “playing the field,” but we like to call it practice. And we don’t think you’ve had enough of it yet. Get out there on the pitch, try some new positions (or a new, um, team?) — heck, try cheerleading for a week. You might be surprised how attached you become to those pom-poms. Don’t buy the jersey or sign on the dotted line until you’re sure you’ve found what you’re looking for.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
If you’re at all tempted to drive over to your beloved’s house in the middle of the night and blast Peter Gabriel’s “In Your Eyes” from a boombox held over your head in an attempt to express your true feelings, resist that temptation. Change your middle name to Subtlety this week.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 02-24-14

February 24, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Here’s a point: . Now get to it. We think you know what we mean.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You’re a walking Viagra advertisement this week — at least, the “before” part of a Viagra ad. A roll in the sack will be about as appealing to you as root canal work. Don’t worry, it’s not permanent. It happens to all of us, as they say. And don’t let anyone make you feel bad because of it; remind them that absence makes the heart (among other organs) grow fonder.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Prepare to be sexually distracted this week. Spring fever’s hit you early this year and you’re burning up. For those times you really can’t give yourself a helping hand, just think, “Cold showers, baseball stats and Sesame Street.” Otherwise, don’t hold back. The office bathroom, the kitchen table, the backseat of the cab are all fair game, whether you’re with that special someone or just by yourself.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Brief flings involving lots of furniture-breaking, meaningless sex may leave you feeling cheap, but they’re not supposed to break the bank. Put away your wallet. In the immortal words of Shania Twain, That don’t impress me much.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
If life is one big circle jerk, you’re the one they’re jerking off to this week. (It sounds gross, but really, that’s a compliment.) Enjoy the attention and try not to take the metaphor too literally.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
It’s the mistake of many a young woman new to the world of romance to express the depth of her caring physically, i.e. “If I sleep with him, then he’ll really know how much I care. ” Ah, youth. You’re older and wiser (and maybe not even female), so don’t go making the same mistakes this week. Take any intimate encounters for what they are: pure animal instinct. Resist projecting your romantic hopes and wishes onto the situation, you sap.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You want sex? Well, sex costs. And right here is where you start paying — in sweat! If our paraphrasing of the classic line from the opening sequence of the Fame television show isn’t working for you, then let us put it this way: Love is work, and work takes energy. This week, eat a lot of Power Bars.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Remember that not everyone wears the same eyeglass prescription as you — what you may see as a simple date of DVDs and a home-cooked dinner, or a casual romp in the hay, or an adventurous, no-strings-attached weekend getaway with a certain someone, s/he may see as an important step toward committed-relationship status. Make sure their glasses aren’t rose-colored. Better yet, make sure you’re not wearing blinders.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
This week, just be friends. We know, we hate that “friendship” talk as much as the next bitter, jaded single person. But let’s face it: many a beautiful relationship has blossomed from the seeds of a beautiful friendship. And even if they don’t for you, at least you’ll have a good friend to complain to about how you’re not getting any.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
[This horoscope goes out to all the single Caps out there. Sorry, committed Caps, but the singletons need our special attention this week.] So you’re single, eh? Welcome to the club. Pull up a chair and make yourself comfortable; you could be here for a while. And would you stop whining? It’s not such a bad place to be. Okay, now you’re really starting to annoy us. You’ve been here, what, five minutes? Go out for a run or join a gym or something — it’ll clear your head.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Even though it’s a universal law that the worse you treat someone, the more they’ll obsess over you, you’ll have the power to break the laws of nature this week: be kind, loving and compassionate and you’ll actually get what you want, if you can believe it.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
This week, you’ll finally put your finger on exactly what it is you want, but your partner will be unwilling to make your dream come true (too busy, too broke, too afraid it will turn them gay). Life’s a bitch like that sometimes.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 02-17-14

February 17, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Woah, easy there tiger. We’ve barely even got started with 2014 and here you are trying to cram a whole year’s worth of bun-lovin’ into one week. Think of the big picture: If you pig out now you’ll ruin your appetite and — damn, we lost track of our metaphor in there somewhere, but the gist of it is this: Take it easy, bud. Take a Calgon bath, smell the roses, obey the speed limit, etc. Oh yeah, and here’s a tip we heard from a little bird: That hottie you’re so enamored with? Turns out they don’t always say what they mean or mean what they say, if you know what we’re saying. And we always mean what we say.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Nervousness is likely to work against you when it comes to getting together with someone you admire. Sweating profusely, biting your nails, telling really bad jokes — all unsexy. In other breaking news, the sun is the center of our universe, we need air and food to survive, and the sky is blue… Seriously, don’t put too much pressure on yourself, just be who you are, and remember to take your anti-anxiety meds.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Go ahead, dip that nib in the company inkwell. For once, multi-tasking is all good. Act on it quick before we tell you for the thirtieth time not to mix business with pleasure in a couple of weeks.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
So, you want to be in a relationship? Well, that’s all well and good, so long as you’re in it for the right reasons. Defenses like “They’ve got a washing machine,” “They’re not bad in bed,” “They don’t totally annoy me,” and “They’re not very smart, so it’s easy to deceive them” ain’t gonna fly in the court of commitment — Judge Judy would eat you for breakfast.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You’ve got a horoscope right out of Agatha Christie’s imagination this week: Someone around you is not who he or she has been leading you to believe. Ooooh, so mysterious. We’re suckers for those whodunnits with the wide brimmed hats and the sexy British accents. Just don’t be a sucker yourself, or you’ll end up with a knife in your back.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Apparently you’ll be romantically challenged this week. Jeez, when did they get so politically correct? What they mean to say is that you’ll be a dating dummy all week, so just hang with your good buddies, drink like a fish and avoid any and all romantic encounters for at least seven days. And that’s an order from the love doctors.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Someone might be trying to gently steer you towards commitment. If this change in direction causes you to feel short of breath and claustrophobic, and/or brings on panic attacks, then we suggest you back away slowly. If that doesn’t help, then see a doctor — it’s probably just asthma.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
This week, you may be asked to get off the fence regarding your plans for the future. If you can’t oblige this request, at least give an honest and kind explanation as to why (fear of commitment, fear of cohabitation, fear of heights). If you’re a good egg about it, you may get to straddle that fence for a few more weeks.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
The stars say you will have no trouble getting what you want this week, but we think that’s a little over-confident. How about this: If you make your move with confidence and grace, then the chances that the object of your affection will find you utterly irresistible are greater than that of you getting hit by lightning while indoors.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Choose low-commitment group activities this week, like bowling or orgies. Take your time before getting involved with someone. Especially if you met them while bowling.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You’re a spaz, but on you, it works. And it will definitely attract some “interesting” potential partners. But just ’cause we call you “spaz” and use quotes around “interesting” to suggest that all your suitors will be ex-convicts, loud talkers, or Amway salespeople, don’t lose hope. You can have whichever ex-convict, loud talker, or Amway rep you want, lucky duck. Choose wisely.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Don’t mix business with pleasure. Do you hear us? Don’t shit where you eat! It won’t work out for you and you’ll just end up in an awkward position. Instead, attend a financial seminar and you will stand a better chance at finding love.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 02-10-14

February 10, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Playing hard to get is so over. Real winners know they’re a catch and don’t have to be an elusive snot to prove it. We’re not saying you should be a commitment slut, or even a regular kind of slut for that matter. Just feel the love, man.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Just as too many cooks can spoil the broth, too many lovers coming in and out of your life (double entendre intended) as though you had a revolving bedroom door installed with a flashing neon sign above, reading, “Open 24 hours, everyone welcome!” can ruin your sense of intimacy (not to mention increase your chances of catching STDs, and give you a sense of vertigo). Try to focus your attention on one thing at a time. The objects of your attention will thank you for it in the morning. (Note: if you’re in a monogamous relationship or experiencing a bit of a sex drought right now, you may just need to stop multi-tasking at work.)

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You might call it “a leap of faith”; we prefer the term “blinded by lust. ” Don’t get all high and mighty on us, trying to pretend like you’re jumping into this relationship because you suddenly believe in love at first sight. Our “stalker alert!” alarm bells have been ringing all week, and we think they’re ringing for you. So keep your pants on until you can be sure you’re not dealing with a bunny boiler. Or worse, someone who can’t locate the United States on a world map. (According to one recent survey, that’s seventeen percent of the population. That fact alone should be enough to scare your libido away for a good seven days.)

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Shhh. Be vewy, vewy quiet…we’re hunting wabbits. Your latest flame is a sensitive little bunny, and any sudden movements, loud burps or controversial opinions may frighten them off. Stick to Netflix nights and lots of hand-holding. And don’t forget that popcorn makes you gassy.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Sure, go for it. If you think you can handle the rejection. If you’re experiencing a low self-esteem week, then best to stick with your safety-school booty call.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Uncertainties will continue to cloud your emotional decisions. Be an observer and you will gain the respect and confidence of someone who interests you. Be a self-centered narcissus who keeps talking just to hear the sound of their own voice and you will gain a one-way ticket to the German town Spaankenzeemunkee.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
There’s a fine line between eager and desperate, and you’re teetering dangerously close to the latter. Tone down the new puppy act and play it cool like the Fonz for a while (just don’t jump the shark!). Save the slobbering tongue kisses and chair leg-humping for next week.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Make a master plan and go after that hottie like you mean it: Figure out your goals, pick a winning strategy, and write down action points on Post-Its. Just be sure not to reveal your cunning plan until the fourth date. And perhaps avoid describing it as a “master plan” until date nine or ten. As for the Post-Its, let’s just make those our own little secret, shall we?

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Finally, your persistence will pay off. At long last, what you’ve been waiting for. Yes, it’s true, it’s been a long time coming, but believe us, it will have been worth the wait. We won’t lie to you Sag, we were worried there for a while, but you’re finally going to get what you deserve. A real, live, human date. Maybe even on Friday if you’re lucky. Halle-freakin’-lujah.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Don’t be argumentative. Avoid sudden movements, outspoken opinions and keg-stands. Wait for the “Walk” sign. Turn your cellphone to “vibrate.” Wear soft-soled shoes. Avoid “making an impression.” This is not your week to put the par-tay back in party. Just stop and smell the flowers — in fact, lie down in a field of poppies and roll a fatty.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Your courage will help you stand out in a crowd this week. Before you go patting yourself on the back or giving yourself a medal of honor, by “courage” the stars could mean you’re actually stupid enough to eat a spoonful of wasabi when one of your friends dares you to while you’re all out at the local sushi bar this week. Whether noble or not, your acts of bravery should at least score you a date with someone who’s easily impressed.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
My, aren’t we feisty this week? You’re suffering from a severe case of what the pop psychologists like to call “floating anger.” Your pissy mood will infect anyone dumb enough to stand too close to you. But don’t let a little thing like a mood swing prevent you from getting some: Pick date activities that are highly physical so you can work through some of that aggression (paintball, bowling, anti-war rallies) and avoid anything resembling a debate. And don’t even try to have lovey-dovey, candle-lit sensual sex: The only nookie that’s going to work for you is a hair-pulling, dirty-talking, up-against-the-wall quickie. Aw yeah.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 02-03-14

February 3, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Don’t agree to be anyone’s date for the prom just yet. You’ve got months to make that decision and get to know the potential candidates a bit better — and in the meantime, you may become super popular and have even more choices. Bonus! (If you’re not in high school, this is a metaphor. If you are in high school, do your parents know what kind of trash you’re reading online?)

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You’re a go-getter in the love department, a deal-closer. You see something you want, you get it. This usually works. Usually. If you’ve got a particularly tough customer this week, taking your patented pushy approach might backfire. Have a slow hand, an easy touch.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
There must be some kind of planet alignment going on that’s particularly conducive to positive sexual energy this week, as it seems a good number of signs are gearing up for action right now, including you Gemini. Don’t ruin it by thinking or talking too much. Instead, let your animalistic tendencies rise to the surface and lead the way to sexual surprises. Farm animal noises are encouraged.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You don’t want to seem overly anxious — ants in your pants are uncomfortable and wearing your heart on your sleeve went out of style with Members Only jackets. But as much as we hate to admit it, Members Only jackets did make a comeback. So honestly and enthusiastically expressing how you feel in terms of sex and/or romance may get you where you want to be this week. And encouraging your (potential) partner(s) to do the same could get them where you want them to be.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
If there were a Zagat’s of love (and lust), you’d be working your way from A to Z to find the best cheeseburger around (or perhaps you’re a, um, “vegetarian”?). But it’s been our experience that the most satisfying dining experiences often occur when you least expect them, when you’re not trying to score a seat in the best joint in town. Stop looking so hard and let love come to you. (Of course, sometimes if you head out without a plan, you end up at The Olive Garden. But hey, a meal’s a meal, right?)

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Don’t be fooled by the movies and television commercials: Two strangers’ eyes meet across a crowded room, bar, subway; the more romantic of the two approaches, a heart full of love at first sight, and says “Nice umbrella”; then, naturally, they live happily ever after. But the reality for the rest of us is this: Anyone who uses something even remotely resembling a line, no matter how original or sincere-sounding, is a player. They are so smooth because of years of practice. For them, it’s a numbers game: Lay it on thick with enough people and someone’s bound to fall for it, i. e. throw enough against a wall and something’s bound to stick. And we, suckers for flattery, trust that our unique beauty/wit/charm inspired an otherwise shy soul to pour forth such a bounty of romantic honesty. Don’t get played this week, Virgo.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Don’t commit to anything or anyone this week. That means no money down for a time share, no joining a book of the month club, no promises of lifelong fidelity, and no agreeing to that roleplaying fantasy they’ve been dying to try. Wait until you are absolutely sure. That should be some time next week, or some time next year — same diff.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Go with the flow. Take it easy. Change doesn’t bother you. Change is good. It’s all good. Life is full of little surprises. Steer into the skid. Work with it. Be mellow, dude.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
This week, let the hotties come to you. Which doesn’t mean slobbing at home in your rattiest undies while lip-syncing power ballads in front of the mirror. No, you’ve got to cleverly place yourself where the hotties will practically trip over you. It only looks like a passive, chilled out act. It’s actually a full-blown hunt for a D. B. F. (Date By Friday).

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Easy come, easy go. Who knows what the heck is going on with your love life — the revolving door to your bedroom is spinning so fast, everything’s a blur. You might want to consider changing your behavior. Or at least changing your sheets.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Life isn’t like a box of chocolates (that’s next week, when it’s Valentine’s Day). No, this week, life is like a Choose Your Own Adventure book — you remember, those wicked cool kids’ “novels” where every few pages you have to decide what the main character does, and thus determine whether or not the adventure carries on or is cut short . . . ? Unfortunately, you can’t simply flip back the pages of your life when you make a sucky choice and start over. So choose wisely, especially this week, lest you wind up alone and miserable for the rest of your life, The End.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Don’t push too hard for what you want or think you deserve. Step back and let whomever you’re interested in come to you. If he or she doesn’t, it’s for the best. How do we know all this? We hear voices.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 01-27-14

January 27, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
As much as we wanted the body wave, the red nails, the off-the-shoulder shirt and the shiny, black, painted-on pants, we always liked — and related to — the inquisitive, thoughtful, pensive Sandra Dee. Personifying Sandy Version 1. 0 this week could really help you transform into the hot, black-clad, sex cat you’re destined to be.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Did you think we hadn’t noticed how hot and bothered you are lately? You’re worse than Austin Powers on Viagra and you want to shag, baby. But be careful; people talk. Walls have ears. And nobody “shags” anymore.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You’ve been standing at the edge of the pool for weeks now while your partner beckons you in. Are you ready, you’ve been wondering? Is it really the right time to wrestle naked in Jell-O together? To role-play that farmer/runaway pig scenario? Yes! It’s time! Just be sure to close the blinds first. Unless you’re into that kind of thing.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
The sky is blue. There is no good TV on Friday nights. Fire is hot. Sex is fun. Lindsay Lohan can’t act. Lying and cheating have no place in a healthy relationship. Every now and then, it’s good to remind ourselves of some basic truths.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Secrets are like virginity — you can only give them away once. And they both make for good gossip. Before divulging your secret crush on your first cousin, get to know the person you’re confiding in. (And you might want to check up on your state’s incest laws, too. )

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Yeah, we know we’re a fun-loving, free-wheeling, open-minded, humble sex-writing duo, but there are times when even we’ll tell  you it pays to be more prudish than an English butler. Take a cold shower and lock yourself up with a good book (no erotica!) — do whatever it takes to avoid temptation. Come on, it’s a measly seven days: Don’t you want to at least find out if you’re capable of such a feat?

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
People have all sorts of funny relationships these days. You just never can tell who has swinger potential — and that might not be your cup of tea. If you like your relationships vanilla, make this clear from the start — don’t wait till they’re pouring chocolate sauce all over you.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
As Frankie would say, relax, don’t do it. (And we know you know who “it” is. )

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
All that time at the gym, going shopping, getting your hair cut and plucking your eyebrows won’t help you this week. Emphasize that asset that got Shakespeare, George Sands and Oscar Wilde romantic attention: brains. It’s like Jennifer Aniston said in one of those “The More You Know” bits on NBC: “Smart is sexier than stupid any day. ” That’s, like, Shakespearean-esque.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
This is not the week to be playing eeney meeney miney moe with people’s hearts. Play with yourself instead. Ba dum ching!

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Be more cryptic than the Sunday New York Times crossword puzzle and you’ll have everyone wanting to go across and down on you. Don’t give anyone a firm answer for at least seven days.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You’re on your own this week. Your guess is as good as ours. You are the master of your own destiny. So just be good to your fellow human beings and maybe someone will be really good — and we mean good — back.

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Your Shakespearean Stars: 01-20-14

January 20, 2014

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photo by Ell Brown

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

This week, the Bard tells you how to be…

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
“To gild refined gold, to paint the lily, To throw a perfume on the violet, To smooth the ice, or add another hue Unto the rainbow, or with taper-light To seek the beauteous eye of heaven to garnish, Is wasteful and ridiculous excess.”
— King John, act IV, sc. ii

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
“Therefore love moderately; long love doth so; Too swift arrives as tardy as too slow.”
— Romeo and Juliet, act II, sc. vi

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
“A scepter snatch’d with an unruly hand Must be as boisterously maintain’d as gain’d; And he that stands upon a slippery place Makes nice of no vile hold to stay him up.”
— King John, act III, sc. iv

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
“Better a little chiding than a great deal of heartbreak.”
— The Merry Wives of Windsor, act V, sc. iii

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
“Bid me discourse, I will enchant thine ear.”
— Venus and Adonis, l. 145.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
It is too rash, too unadvis’d, too sudden; Too like the lightning, which doth cease to be Ere one can say it lightens.”
— Romeo and Juliet, act II, sc. ii

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
“Confess yourself to heaven; Repent what’s past; avoid what is to come.”
— Hamlet, act III, sc. iv.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
“Commit The oldest sins the newest kind of ways.”
— King Henry the Fourth, act IV, sc. v

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
“I count myself in nothing else so happy As in a soul remembering my good friends.”
— King Richard the Second, act II, sc. iii

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
“Your wit’s too hot, it speeds too fast, ’twill tire.”
— Love’s Labour’s Lost, act II, sc. i

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”
— Hamlet, act II, sc. ii

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
“This bud of love, by summer’s ripening breath, May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet.”
— Romeo and Juliet, act II, sc. ii

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Your Weekly Stars: 01-13-14

January 13, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Chasing has never been your style. Neither has finishing what you start. But persistence will pay off this week. Whether that means you’ll finally get that special someone who stole your heart to go out with you, or you’ll catch the punk who stole your bike, we can’t be sure.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Everybody’s looking for somebody who looks like a pump, feels like a sneaker. But don’t expect the first pump you try on to be the perfect fit. You’ve got to suffer a lot of blisters and bad eighties stillettos before your glass slipper shows up. Wait, there’s a little life left in this metaphor, and you can bet your Louboutins we’re going to squeeze it out: Just because a pair rubs you the wrong way the first few times, doesn’t mean it’s lacking potential. Second chances will save you a little heartbreak and a lot of great shoes.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You might want to carry some gum around with you for the next couple days. You’re going to need it to wash the dirty-sneaker taste out of your mouth when you really stick your foot in it this week.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You know what? You’re not going to win the lottery, the pizza delivery guy/girl is never going to turn out to be a hottie, and you’re not going to make the cut for that reality TV dating show. Which means, lard ass, you’re going to have to get up off the couch and make your own damn move. Hey, it’s either that or another night alone at home with a tub of vaseline.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
We’re so over all those fatalists who think love is something that just happens to you. People, sometimes you have to roll up your shirt sleeves and work for it. You know — give up your favorite TV show, give up meat, give up oral sex with your ex, whatever. Sure, you might think those things are what make you you, but how much fun is it to be you when you’ve got no one to love? A whole lot less fun than a barrel of monkeys, that’s how much.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You’ve been wookin’ per nub in all the wrong places. Your next dose of sumthing-sumthing is going to spring from a very strange source, so make sure you’ve always got good underwear on, even if you’re just swinging by the pet cemetery on your way to the podiatrist to have your in-grown toe-nail operated on.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Sure, we all have a few charity cases in our lives — acquaintances we see out of some odd sense of duty. Maybe we see them because we believe that instant karma’s gonna get us, or maybe it boosts our egos to be with someone who needs us more than we need them. Or maybe we’re just nice people. Whichever it is, this is not the week to worry about karma, or egos, or being nice. This is the week to spend time with people you actually like. You know, “friends,” “lovers,” “family members,” and “advice columnists.”

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You will not be alone. . . That’s pretty heavy stuff coming from the stars. Too bad you don’t know if that means you have met a true kindred spirit and companion, if you’ll find a warm body to curl up next to one night in a futile effort to slough off the cold realities of everyday life, or if you’ve just got a peeping tom.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
So there you were melding your sweetheart’s face and yours in Photoshop to see what your kids would look like, except they didn’t even ask you on a second date. Sucks, doesn’t it? When you’re drowning in rejection, take solace in the field.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You are beginning to feel more like settling down. We don’t how we know that either, but it’s true, right? Creepy, we know.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Someone will want you to make a commitment that you aren’t really ready for. So don’t close that deal — be it financial, business, romantic, or bootylicious.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
It’s time to poop or get off the pot. Your wishy-washy act is starting to get old, and that hottie you’ve kept waiting is about to gather their last scrap of pride and tell you to fuggetaboutit. And then you’ll just be alone and constipated.

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Your Weekly Stars: 01-06-14

January 6, 2014

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You’re acting like a Garbage Pail Kid, when what your partner really needs is a Cabbage Patch Kid. Clean up your act.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
We admire your gusto, but we’re not sure your special someone feels the same way. Are you sure they’re ready for that strap-on? Maybe they were just being polite when they said that shopping for a twelve-incher sounded like a fun Saturday night. This doesn’t mean they won’t ever be ready for a little back-door action, but take it easy there cowboy, okay? Maybe start with a pinkie and work your way up from there. Of course, we’re speaking metaphorically.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You’re a very generous person: You give out help like it was growing on trees, you’re a lender but not a borrower, and in the bedroom you’re quite the giver. But when it comes to commitment, fuhgeddaboutit. Put a cork in your butt and crown yourself “Miss(ter) Anal Retentive.” Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Just be sure you’re not faking anyone out with your generosity of spirit in every other department.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
A plus B equals C. C is good. But soon, D is going to come into the equation. Depending on your math skills, D will probably divide C, which may or may not lead to a negative solution. One thing is for sure, there is not enough room in this formula for C and D. See, you do need to use this stuff in your adult life!

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You’re chasing luvvers like a kid collecting fireflies, except you’re too busy to play with them so you just leave them in a jar on your bookshelf. Don’t hog the hotties: If you can’t give them the attention they deserve, let them fly free to light up the skies for the rest of us. And yes, we’d like a Whopper with that cheese.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
You’re what they like to call “a challenge.” (“Commitment-phobic tease” would be another way of putting it, but we’re feeling nice this week. ) You’ve been “challenging” potential suitors for so long now, what’s the point in stopping unless you’re really, really sure? As our mothers like to intone while getting that same faraway, dreamy look in their eyes that they do when listening to old Elvis records: You’ll just know.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You can have anyone you want this week. Walk down the street, look around — anyone! Ride the subway…anyone! Browse the Personals…anyone! Anyone in the whole, wide world. Except your relatives, anyone you work with, people with incompatible sexual preferences, anyone more than five years older or younger than you, blondes, anyone who makes more than 10K more than you, people more famous than you, and anyone who you haven’t been introduced to by a friend yet. Now go get ‘em, tiger.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
In the immortal words of Frankie Goes to Hollywood: Relax, don’t do it, when you want to come…Was anyone else scarred for life when they first saw that gross video with the two guys in business suits scratching each others’ eyes out? Make love, not war, man.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Lately, living with you has been kind of like wearing control-top pantyhose all day long. Ease up a little and work on those control issues, unless you want a dog as your closest companion.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Your astrological advice this week comes from the “No Duh” file: Do things you like and you’ll meet likeminded people. The stars must really need a vacation.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You’ve been treating commitment like a funny-shaped hat of late: You put it on every now and then ’cause you kind of like the way it suits you, but the idea of making it a permanent part of your wardrobe seems ridiculous. You would break fewer hearts (and have to make fewer mad dashes for the nearest exit) if you stopped preening around the hotties with your “I am Mr. /Ms. Commitment” act, which is about as lame as a beret.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
A double great feeling making you realize double mint is the one for you. Double fresh. Double smooth. Double delicious to chew. A double pleasure’s waiting for you…Don’t sell yourself short in the meantime — there’s someone out there for you, and when you find them, it’ll be “double pleasure” all the way. “How much longer?” you ask. What do we look like, astrologers?

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