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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 10-21-13

October 21, 2013

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
It’s no where near your birthday, but it might as well be, because guess what? The stars insist that you play the field this week. Apparently your head and your heart are going in different directions, or something like that. What do you care, though? You’re too busy getting busy to notice.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Your heart will be in the right place this week. We know it’s kind of gross when people over-share in an attempt to create a stronger bond of friendship, but you shouldn’t be afraid of over-sharing this week. Pour out your heart to someone you’re fond of and you won’t be sorry. Which isn’t to say they won’t be sorry for asking “How are you?” Pick wisely, pick a good listener, don’t pick your bartender, and everyone will be the better for it.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You’ll change your mind about someone more often than you’ll change your underwear this week. (Come to think of it, you really should consider changing your undies a little more often.) Hold off on any decisions until the last possible minute — even then, you’ll probably want to change your mind one more time. Oh, who are we kidding? Just toss a coin on Monday and save yourself all that tough mental work.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 10-14-13

October 15, 2013

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
It’s a common human trait to expect life to be good and to be easy. It’s a common human reality that life is often not these things: the sex is bad, or non-existent, and it rarely shows up on your doorstep with no strings attatched. But you can help yourself by being proactive, getting off your ass and searching for what it is you want instead of waiting for it to come to you. It’s like those people who always say they’re bored — the only one responsible for their boredom is themselves. If only they’d take out a personal ad or go get some butt plugs.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Things to avoid this week: turkey burgers, phallic-shaped fruit, sex with delivery people and family members, tartar-control toothpaste and crack. Things to pursue: butt crack, butt crack, butt crack! Need we say more?

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You’re peppier than a high school cheerleader on speed this week. That could be a really hot, taboo, sex fantasy-type thing, or else a really annoying, spastic kind of thing. It all depends on the cheers you choose to do and the crowds you choose to do them in front of. Choose wisely.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 10-07-2013

October 7, 2013

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th) Eeny, meeny, miney, moe, which one to shag, which one to let go? Before you go making any rash decisions, make sure you’ve got all your facts straight. In fact, we’d recommend not making a decision this week at all, because we’re 99.9 percent sure you’ll make the wrong one. (And we’re one hundred percent sure that one of them’s a real booby prize, and not in that good, cleavage kind of way. ) Get to know them both a little better first — it’s not “leading them on” if you don’t make any promises. By the way, sleeping with them both may postpone a decision, but it doesn’t meet the “not leading them on” qualification. So zip up, horny goat weed.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th) Someone you think is completely wrong for you, for whatever reason — bad hair, bad table manners, bad politics, bad breath — is going to keep pushing. Before you write them off completely, give them a second chance and a mint.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st) Sometimes love is like basketball and sometimes it’s like chess. In fact, if you like analogies as much as we do, love can be like any game we damn well say it is. This week, you’re supposed to get out and play the game of love. We won’t tell you what game specifically — just that, as long as you’re not doing anything that could be classified as bench-sitting (or worse, cheerleading), then you’re golden. Read the rest of this entry »



Your Weekly Horoscopes: 09-30-2013

September 30, 2013

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photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Sexual experimentation may be what you’re looking for, but the stars say dressing up in matching gimp suits will be much more rewarding if you really get to know someone first — how precious. So ask the sexual history questions, have some deep conversations about Kant’s Categorical Imperative, meet the parents, then get your kink on.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
This is not the week to give ultimatums. This is not a week to be a bully. This is not a week to start referring to your partner’s most recent exes as “the axis of evil.” This is not a week to send back your salad if the dressing’s not on the side. This is a week to take what gets thrown at you and like it. Trust us, you don’t want to suffer the consequences of fighting back this week. Just rent Barbie & the Magic of Pegasus, order a pizza, and wait it out.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
When it rains, it pours. You’re either in a draught with no puddle in sight, or you’ve got so many partners falling from the sky it’s impossible to choose. Yeah, we agree: We’d take rainy weather any day. And it looks like you’ve got heavy clouds rolling in. Just take your time and be selective about which raindrops you want to feel on your tongue. And wear your rubbers!
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Your Weekly (Sell-Out) Horoscopes: 09-23-2013

September 23, 2013

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photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) This week, it’s astrological truth in advertising… 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Kiss a little longer, hold hands a little longer, hold tight a little longer — whatever it takes to keep your sex drive on a leash this week (have you tried chewing Big Red?). If you come on too strong, your partner may be scared off.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
On the road of love, there are passengers and there are drivers. Drivers wanted this week.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Just do it.
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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 09-16-2013

September 16, 2013

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photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
In Buffy, the Vampire Slayer (the 1992 movie, of course), our shop-aholic savior doesn’t go out looking for fangsters. No, they come to her. She doesn’t act, she just reacts, breaking hearts left and right. You’ll be able to relate this week.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You may be in the mood for love but that doesn’t mean that your partner of choice will be. Resist the temptation to act like a frat boy at a party just who’s done three shots of Jager to muster up the courage to date rape the passed out chick in the back keg room (to paraphrase a brilliant line from Sam Lipsyte’s “Home Land”). Don’t act like Veruca Salt (original version) when she doesn’t get a golden egg, either. Just be the epitome of cool, like Johnny Depp or Joan Jet or Fonzie. Okay, maybe not Fonzie.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
If you say you’re going to do something, do it. Just do it. Do or do not; there is no try. If you can do all that, you’ll get done.
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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 09-09-2013

September 9, 2013

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photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You are cruisin’ for a bruisin’ of your heart (and other organs) if you don’t ease up on the quick and casual, purely physical trysts. Animal lust is a beautiful thing, but so is Barbie, and we all know she’s not the first person we’d want around when the shit comes down. There’s something to be said for having a partner who has more between their ears than rubber-smelling air.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Play a game of cat and mouse this week. No, you can’t be the cat. You were the cat last time. Give someone else a chance for a change. Play it safe, eat some cheese, be the damn mouse. And don’t even think about whipping out that black leather suit Ă  la Halle Berry in Catwoman. And put down that leotard. You’ll be the mouse and you’ll damn well like it!

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You’ve got a million things on your plate, you’re constantly on the go and you never shut up — and that’s a good thing. The hard part is finding someone who can keep up. Giving partners time to build up their enthusiasm muscles will help any potential relationships. So will secretly replacing their caffeine-free Diet Coke with Red Bull.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 09-02-2013

September 3, 2013

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photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Some people are paralyzed by the prospect of making decisions. They fear they’ll make the wrong choice, that one wrong move — like buying the generic toothpaste on sale rather than the Tom’s of Maine — could set in motion an irreversible course of events that will determine whether or not they die alone and destitute. So they procrastinate, overanalyze, and stress. Ultimately, they don’t decide, just let the toothpaste fall where it may, which is of course a kind of decision all of its own. Usually, these people feel out of control, constantly worried, like there’s a void. And this week, we’re saying that’s a good thing for you. Embrace the indecision. Sit on your ass. See how the other half suffers and it’ll serve your love life well. Don’t worry, you can go back to taking charge of your destiny next week, after some sucker’s taken pity on you and taken you home.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
It’s like you’re on your own episode of “The Love Boat” this week, except without that annoying Julie McCoy getting in the way. Set a course for adventure; put your mind on a new romance. It won’t hurt any more, we promise (at least not until next week).

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Don’t settle for second best when it comes to a relationship. But don’t be like those psycho parents who coach their kid’s softball team and put so much pressure on them that it takes all the fun out of the game and they just end up crying or wetting their pants. Find a happy medium.
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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 08-26-2013

August 26, 2013

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photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Here’s a crazy idea: Pursue someone who seems nice. You’re familiar with the type? They hold open doors for others, give to charity regularly, carry heavy grocery bags for little old ladies, warn complete strangers about the piece of TP stuck to their shoe, always remember their mom’s birthday, never cheat on their partner. You know, the little things.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You know how coaches tell you that your cool-down period after a work-out should be in direct proportion to the length of the session? Thus a twenty-minute jog around the block will only require a few minutes of wind-down walking, whereas a three-hour cross-country run will need a lot more. Relationships are kind of the same way. For example, while it may be appropriate to call off a mini-relationship (we’re talking no more than two dates) via email, it is definitely not cool to dump your three-year lover over the phone. Right now, you’re in a twenty-minute jog relationship, but admit it: You’re kind of bored. Plus their oral pleasures skills are lacking. So why not get out now while the getting out is easy; a few more months and it’s going to take some serious undoing.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
A podiatry tale: Keep your feet on the ground. Then put your best foot forward — this will require a sort of sliding action, since you will be keeping your feet on the ground, remember? This also means you will be keeping your feet out of your mouth. When you reach the edge, jump in with both feet and you’ll be walking on sunshine in no time.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 08-19-2013

August 19, 2013

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photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) 

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
While we’re usually all for secret office romances — the long lunches, the supply closet make-out sashes, the car pooling! — you really shouldn’t get involved with someone at work this week. It will be short lived and may jeopardize your job as well. Think before you make a move on someone who is off limits, like a boss or an underling. Wait till next week, and then make a move on a coworker who’s glued to same rung of the corporate ladder with no prospects for upward mobility, just like you.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Opposites, shmopposites! You’re onto someone who’s just as intense and strong-willed (or obnoxious and opinionated, depending how you look at it) as you are. Put on your gloves (and your satin underwear) and put up your dukes, because you’re about to go head to head in the ring of love. And in this ring, there are no losers, only people with mullets.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
This week, it’s all about body language. And we don’t mean the cheezoid hair toss or the so-called seductive crossing and uncrossing of the legs, a la Sharon Stone. No, we just mean: Walk into a room like you own it. Look at that hottie across the room like it’s your decision whether they come over and ask for your number. Try not to talk to much; you risk ruining your rap. Walk out of a room like you know you’re taking the party with you. If your friends ask you why you’re walking funny, give them a “you wouldn’t understand” look and stare off into the distance. Just wait till they see your funny walk tomorrow, after you’ve gotten the lay of your life.
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