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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 07-08-2013

July 8, 2013

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photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) This week, we present your horos in short poem form:

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Someone’s going to attempt to pull the wool over your eyes in an attempt to get you naked. Hey, ignorance is bliss!

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You’re usually fluent in all those international languages, like love and body language. But this week you might have to string a sentence or two together and actually communicate your thoughts and feelings through your mouth (sans the saliva swapping). Say the right thing and you’ll get exactly what you want. Say the wrong thing and you could end up old and alone with six cats and hairy palms collecting stamps or something. No pressure.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
In the market for someone or something new? Then why not try Confidence, now with a new lemon twist! It’ll have you walking tall and attracting mates within minutes. Use it every day for a shine no one can resist.
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Your 4th of July Starscopes: 07-01-2013

July 1, 2013

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photo by foxypar4

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Practice safe sex this 4th. We swear to god, that’s what the stars are telling you this week. So wrap up your firecracker or else you might end up with some 3rd degree burns on your genitals.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
The skies are clear so you can set your love rockets off. They should go off without a hitch. Expect lots of oooh-ing and ah-ing.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Make a little room on your beach blanket for someone who wants to play bingo with you or you may discover that this person will kick sand in your face as they walk away to play with someone else’s beach balls.
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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 06-24-13

June 24, 2013

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photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) This week, we present your horos in short poem form:

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You’re special. You’re different. When your mom said it, she meant it. When we say it, we mean that you’re a freak who’s gonna meet their match and the two of you will spend your days making tapioca and picking each other’s bacne. And we only say that to the ones we love.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Beware of avalanches of compliments, promises in the dark, sucker kisses, flowers, chocolates, offers you can’t refuse, indecent proposals and roofies in your G&Ts. Oh yeah, and beware of The Dwarf.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You’re like the post-makeover slutty Sandy when all your Danny wants is for you to be yourself. Actually, he wants to get in your tight black sharkskin pants, too — that is why he donned the letterman jacket and went out for track, after all. But there are less showy ways to say you’re “interested” and “available.” Turn it down a notch.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
If you are attending work-related events this week, then you will meet someone with whom you have instant chemistry. If you’re not doing this, well then, you’re shit out of luck. (For more detail, see Pisces — they have the same horoscope as you.)

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Confusion will probably lead you into the arms of the wrong person. You’re probably thinking, “Well, at least it’s a hug — I’ll take what I can get!” But not even you, Leo, should be so desperate. Instead, sit on your hand until it’s numb and then have your way with yourself — that’s the closest you’ll get to the “right” thing, at least this week.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
We have one word of relationship advice for you: Google. It’s not nosy — we all do it. And in your case, you might just be very glad you did. Just remember: don’t believe everything you read. . . unless it’s written by us.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Get involved in an organization you believe in and you might just meet someone who has the same moral values as you. Aw yeah, baby, show me your moral values.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Beauty’s only skin-deep, but there’s no law against primping and preening to give yourself an edge over your competitors in the hottie-hunting arena. First impressions and small talk are what get you to the more meaningful conversations and the wild animal sex. And if you want to give yourself a make-over that really works, then go heavy on the self-confident act, too. Remember, you’re only as confident as they think you are, and there’s nothing wrong with acting more confident than you feel. It’ll do wonders for your success rate. Note to overachievers: We said confident, not cocky. There’s an ocean of sleazy pick-up lines between the two.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Oh my, Sag. We’re practically blushing just looking at you. Thank goodness we’re still carrying our winter weight, otherwise we’d be irresistably pulled off our La-Z-Boys in your direction. Instead, expect other, featherweight hotties to be drawn to you. Choose wisely, our friend.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You’ll be like Gulliver this week: adventurous, alluring, tall. People will be drawn to you like Lilliputians. And like Lilliputians, they’ll want to tie you down, with a thousand little ropes of commitment, restrictions, limitations, and rules. But you’ve got to be free, travel the seas of the world, fall into the cleavage of lady giants. Run away, Gully, run away!

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Cut out the diva act. You’ve been demanding attention like Mariah Carey demands white kittens in her dressing room (seriously). Stamping your little feet may make a nice noise, but it’s not gonna get you laid.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You will meet someone who has the same interests as you either through a job placement facility, an interview or even at a weekend conference for enthusiasts like you (whether they’re enthused about Star Trek, crossword puzzles, underwater basketweaving or cross-dressing). We know, the chances of you meeting a fellow Trekkie at a Trekkie conference seem slim, but we’re telling you, the stars practically guarantee it this week!

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 06-17-13

June 17, 2013

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photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril! (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.) This week, we present your horos in short poem form:

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
What’s the fastest animal in the world? An Ethiopian chicken! That’s a classic from Truly Tasteless Jokes. We were reminded of it by the speed with which you’ve been taking things lately in the booty department. Slow down, lest you end up with your head cut off.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
A friend recently proposed we try a social experiment: don’t call or email anyone for a month — you can pick up the phone and answer emails, but no initiating allowed. Our friend said we’d feel like we were going mad the first few days, but eventually we’d feel relaxed and at peace. Being the organizer, the party planner and/or the pursuer can be stressful, exhausting even. Let everyone come to you this week and perhaps you too will feel relaxed and laid back (i. e. someone lays you back on the bed).

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Be the first one to speak up at the office meeting, the first one on the dance floor at the eighties night club, the first volunteer from the audience at the magic show, the first one to make the move, the first one to introduce the Jell-O mold to the bedroom. Boldness is a color that will look good on you this week.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
If you were eleven years old, we’d tell you to spend the week in your treehouse in the company of a few imaginary friends. It’s too bad that kind of behavior could get you arrested at your age. But do whatever you can to be aloof and observant this week. And hey, if you want to talk about it with an imaginary friend, we won’t tell.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Okay, we know it dates us to talk about Swingers, but we’re doing it anyway: Swingers is an unparalleled morality tale for our times, chock-full of lessons in love and lust for the fools of our generation. Let’s examine one particularly insightful scene that may come in handy for you this week, shall we? In a bar, Trent encourages his best friend Mike to approach one fine-looking honey sitting alone at the bar. His advice: you’re this bear with these vicious claws but you act like a soft little bunny. Be the bear, Trent says, and be merciless. So Mike attempts to be the bear. And what happens? He ends up bricking big time. Our advice: be the bunny this week.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
We always thought it was the married ones who got all the attention (i. e. people automatically want what they can’t have). But this week, it’s the wedlocked who are into you. Enjoy the flattery, take advantage of the attention, get a couple free drinks out of it. But put yourself in their spouse’s place before you commit to anything more than a peck on the cheek.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You’re cute and all, but the offers haven’t exactly been pouring in lately, have they? Well, don’t take all this rejection sitting down — get off your arse and shake it for a change! Your luck might just change. At the very least, your bum will benefit.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Sit back and observe the one who interests you. The more you know about this person, the easier it will be to mesmerize him or her when the time is right. But please, don’t “observe” your subject from their fire escape at three a. m. And when we say “mesmerize,” we don’t mean you should try out some cheap hypnosis technique you got off the Internet to turn them into your own personal sex slave.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
If you’re trying to seduce someone, don’t strain a brain cell figuring out some new and novel approach. Instead, focus on your strengths, whether that’s telling a joke, writing a poem or doing a little jig in tiny red briefs.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
In case you hadn’t noticed, Mr. or Ms. Right doesn’t arrive neatly packaged on your doorstep with postal insurance and a “Right” label on their forehead. No, you and your right-hand man or woman will inspire each other to be better people (and more right for each other) on a daily basis. If you keep your standards high, everyone will have a happy ending, just like in Hollywood.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
“I don’t want to be your Rice-a-Roni any longer,” says one ex-boyfriend to another in the classic (the only?) gay baseball buddy flick The Broken Hearts Club. Rice-a-Roni — the ultimate ’70s game show consolation prize, the one thing you know you’ll go home with, even if you lose. (It’s “Garlique” these days, last time we checked Jeopardy. ) Anyway, we think it’s time you stopped being someone’s Rice-a-Roni, too. And the only way to do that is to start feeling better about yourself — take some me-time, pamper yourself, eat french fries for lunch, whatever it takes. Pretty soon someone will recognize you for the grand prize that you are.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You can’t complain that you “never meet anyone in bars” if you’re looking for a teetotal life partner: if you walk on the wild side, you’ll be hanging with the wild children. Fortunately, we happen to think that that’s just what you need right now. Do whatever it is you do to let your hair down — drink at a dive bar, catch an eleven p. m. movie instead of the seven o’clock showing, karaoke till dawn or perhaps just go out with bedhead — and you’ll find like-minded souls a-plenty. Perhaps you should consider sleeping with one of them.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 06-10-13

June 10, 2013

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photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
A sense of wholeness will help to stimulate your imagination and open up a host of new possibilities that will lead to a fascinating and sensual encounter. Which means either the planets are aligned to take your relationship to the next level of intimacy and trust via some fairly kinky sexual sessions (can you say “strap-on”?), or you’ll find some new cozy pants that will allow you to eat way too much without needing to be unbuttoned.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
We would usually commend your high energy levels, your bottomless well of creative dating ideas, your enthusiasm for trying new things in the bedroom (that thing with the popsicle and chocolate sauce was brilliant). But this week, if you want any quality close-and-cozy time, then take a chill pill. Let your partner drive for a change and give your Power Bars away to your more lethargic friends.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Okay, let’s say your romantic life is a flat tire. Now, you can stand around by the side of the road talking to AAA for an hour and a half. Or you can change it yourself and get things moving again. Hmmm, decisions, decisions.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Because you’re being so obvious about your lustful desires, you will have a hard time even getting to second base with your romantic interest. And yes, sometimes your horoscope reading is an acne-ridden, hormone-riddled, 14-year-old boy with a perma-erection who can relate to your need to touch boobies.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Okay, this is probably not a good a week to surprise your lover with an engagement ring, especially if you think you may want it back at some point in the future. And it’s not a good week to surprise your lover by jumping out from the bedroom closet in the near dark wearing a dog collar and nothing else. In fact, there probably is no good time for that. But it is a good week to prepare your partner for a sensual night (or nights) of unbridled passion and blush-inducing lust. Set aside the time, make sex dates, send foreplay emails, light some friggin candles . . . do something.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Being a slut. . . er. . . playing the field will be your M. O. this week. But be careful: Anyone you “lead on” this week will come a’calling next week with bells on. Literally. They’ll have little jingle bells sewn onto their sleeves. You’ll be able to hear them coming from a mile away so you can attempt a quick getaway. But although you can run, you can’t hide. So just be up front about your intentions this week to avoid being hunted down like the dog you are next week.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You will have a magnetic allure this week. Just be sure not to hang out next to your credit cards in case that magneticism rubs off.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
How old are you? Eeny Meeny Miney Moe is no way to choose between competing partners . . . Rock Paper Scissors is way better. But seriously folks, don’t let the bright and shiny packaging of someone new make you forget about your loyal security doll.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Don’t underestimate your powers of persuasion: you can have whoever and whatever you want this week. Okay, you can’t have Justin Bieber or Jennifer Lawrence on a bed of Cool Whip. And you can’t have your own personal squad of fairies feed you grapes and lovingly administer you seltzer hi-colonics. But if you set realistic goals and stop short of begging, you can probably score this week.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Stay with the group. This week, pretend you’re wearing one of those awful leashes some parents put on their kids like pets; pretend it’s attached to your circle of friends. Don’t go wandering off alone with good-looking strangers or even significant others–you’re likely to end up on the milk carton of broken hearts.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Don’t settle. If you want filet mignon, don’t accept White Castle as a substitute. If you want Ben & Jerry’s “New York Super Fudge Chunk,” don’t go for Stop & Shop’s generic brand of vanilla ice cream. If you want some bondage, dirty talk and anal play in the bedroom, don’t settle for the missionary position. And if you want to be treated with love, compassion and kindness, don’t date assholes.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
We’re not sure if you caught this early-nineties, subtitled, Spanish “erotic comedy” starring the then-unknown Penelope Cruz, but chances are if you’re a guy, you’ve fantasized about the plot: a handsome deserter from the Spanish army hides out in a remote village and befriends a local landlord, who just happens to have four beautiful daughters. By the time the credits roll, he’s bedded all four. Actually, they’ve bedded him, and all he had to do was go with the flow. We can’t promise you’ll bed four siblings this week, but we do think that if you go with the flow in bed and stop yourself from thinking, “This is wrong,” you’ll have a lot of fun. Oh, and for the record, bedding four siblings is wrong. Way wrong.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: The Road Sign Edition

June 3, 2013

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Years ago, while driving around San Diego on a book tour, we saw what to us was the craziest road sign: the black silhouettes of two adults running for their lives, dragging a youngster behind them, all on a yellow, rectangular background. You don’t get many of those in the Northeast. (Though maybe you yanks are more familiar with it ever since all the “papers please” news started coming from Arizona.) It struck us how effective road signs are: succinct, powerful, instructional, universal, and sometimes entertaining, even if you don’t quite understand them (frost heaves, anyone?). So we were inspired to whittle your horoscope down to its purist form–behold, The Road Signs.

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
HOV Only

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Be Prepared To Stop

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Recreational Area Turnoff

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Stop When Children In Crosswalk

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Divided Highway Begins

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Merge

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
No Stopping Inmates Working

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Lane Ends Merge Left

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Push Button For Green Light

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Falling Rocks Ahead

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
Last Exit Before Toll

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
Don’t Fuck That Shit

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 05-27-13

May 27, 2013

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photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Your involvement in a worthy cause will impress someone this week. And no, a Fifty Shades book club or an outing to see Oz the Great and Powerful doesn’t count as a cause. It’s time to get involved where it really counts–help little old ladies across the street, give a penny instead of taking a penny, hand out free tofu burgers outside McDonald’s. By the time anyone realizes you’re only in it for the booty, they’ll have already fallen prey to your charitable charms and won’t give a damn about anything except the booty either.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
It’s like you just found a pair of sneakers with the initials K.B. on the tongue, and every time you wear them, booty is a slamdunk, no-contest affair. But don’t forget to take off the tennis shoes every now and then, lest you contract a nasty case of athelete’s foot.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
If you go with the flow this week you will find yourself in a very interesting position regarding love. Like doggie or the wheelbarrow.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Here’s one from the “no duh” file: If you’re walking on your own path and you happen to meet someone special, it follows that this special person will be down with your path (either that or they’re just a crazy stalker freak). But if you’re one of those big fakers who takes strolls on other paths and you meet someone special there, you’re either going to have to carry on being a big fat faker, or risk getting dumped. It’s one to grow on.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Don’t be fooled by movies and television commercials: Two strangers’ eyes meet across a crowded room, bar, subway; the more romantic of the two approaches, a heart full of love at first sight, and says “Nice pants”; then, naturally, they live happily ever after. But the reality for the rest of us is this: Anyone who uses something even remotely resembling a line, no matter how original or sincere-sounding, is a player. They are so smooth because of years of practice. For them, it’s a numbers game: Lay it on thick with enough people and someone’s bound to fall for it, i.e. throw enough shit against a wall and something’s bound to stick. And we, suckers for flattery, trust that our unique beauty/wit/charm inspired an otherwise shy soul to pour forth such a bounty of romantic honesty. Don’t get played this week.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
We’re practically blushing just looking at you, Virgo. Apparently it’s because you’ll be a sexual magnet this week. Thank goodness we’re still carrying our winter weight, otherwise we’d be irresistibly pulled off our La-Z-Boys in your direction. Instead, expect other, featherweight hotties to be drawn to you. Choose wisely, our friend.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
It’s like you’re reliving that Halloween party back in the early nineties when you dressed up like Dieter from “Sprockets” and told people in mid-conversation, “You have grown tiresome!” before walking away to get another drink. This week, though you may think it, don’t actually say it. And for god’s sake, don’t be caught dead in a black turtleneck and leggings (and not just because it’s nearly summer).

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Cut to the chase; gone in sixty seconds. And no, we’re not talking about that atrocious Nic Cage/Angelina Jolie movie, we’re talking about your love life. Once you’ve wrapped someone around your little pinkie, you don’t even stick around long enough to find out all the fun places you could stick that little pinkie. All we can say is: You don’t know what you’re missing. (And wash your hands after shaking hands with strangers.)

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
If you socialize at the more affluent establishments this week, you might meet someone interesting, entertaining, and adventurous. Or at least obscenely rich. Even if your orifices don’t get filled, or at least filled well, maybe your pockets will. If you’re not shallow and money-hungry, just stick to your local.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Secret encounters will develop. Except they won’t be so secret. You may find that in fact everyone is gossiping about you this week–and not in a good, envious, she’s-in-Time-magazine way, but in a catty, judgmental, she-should-be-on-the-cover-of-Ho-magazine way. So don’t get involved with someone who is already attached, slimebag.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You are the pick-up master! Watching you work a room is like watching David Beckham work a soccer field. What do you need our advice for? We should be taking notes from you! Or maybe this is just our extra-sneaky way of giving you that extra boost of confidence so you will actually be able to work a room like David Beckham. We’ll never tell.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
It’s time to turn on the charm and make a splash. You’re your own sexual agent, and sometimes that means rolling up your sleeves and doing a little self-promotion. Stop short of an “Am I Hot or What?” press release, but don’t shy away from anything else. Trust us on this one: We know from self-promotion. Once you bite the bullet and start, it’s addictive!

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 05-20-13

May 20, 2013

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photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Don’t turn your back on someone who has been loyal to you for years — this might refer to love, or it may apply simply to a friendship or business relationship. Shame on you for even considering it, by the way! Think of everything they’ve ever done for you. Sure, they may be completely annoying in their own special way, but that’s part of their charm. Don’t walk away from them, not if you want us to talk to you again.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Hey big spender, put your wallet away. If it’s your hard-earned dollars winning someone over, are they really worth winning? Even if it’s your easily-come-by trust fund dollars doing the winning? Okay, so let’s just say, hypothetically, that they really are that hot, and you really are that superficial. But how are you going to hold onto your gold-digging hottie next time Ben Bernanke’s forecast doesn’t agree with your stock portfolio? Plan for the future by being generous of heart but stingy of wallet for a while. If you find yourself tempted to spend!-spend!-spend!, then feel free to buy our books!

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Put on the charm and do your dance this week. (Wait, you have a dance? Is this something you do in your underwear in front of your bedroom mirror? Does it involve spanking your own ass with a hairbrush? Or is this “dance” something you do out in public, like some kind of macho-b.s. end zone spaz-out that embarrasses all your friends?) Uh, maybe don‘t do your dance. Putting on the charm, however, is fine by us, and will probably get you some good attention.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You’re living Les Liaisons Dangereuse this week. You are Madame de Tourvel (or Michelle Pfeiffer, for those of who prefer your literary classics in easily digestible movie form) and your wooer is Vicomte de Valmont (John Malkovich)–devastatingly romantic and heartbreaking on the surface, but manipulative and cynical underneath. Beware of love letters, especially those written on parchment with feather quills.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You’ve got a real craving for chocolate and security this week. The candy aisle at your grocery store will take care of the chocolate. As for finding stability, that’s a little trickier. Don’t throw yourself at just anyone who seems willing. Get to know potential partners before moving forward. (If you look up “moving forward” in a thesaurus, it’ll say “doing it like they do on the Discovery Channel.”)

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Don’t commit to anything or anyone this week. That means no money down for a summer time share, no acceptance of invitations to any Breaking Bad parties in August, no promises of lifelong fidelity, and no agreeing to reciprocal oral sex either.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Stop making excuses and join in the fun. Get out and take part in some damn social activities. Don’t waste time sitting at home alone watching reruns of The Ghost Whisperer on Tivo, not when this is such a great week for romance! Now, if that little motivational speech doesn’t light a fire under your ass, then maybe it’s time to get a happy pill prescription. Or at least some chocolate. (See Leo.)

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
You’ll want to push this week, like a pregnant lady in labor. But when you get pushy with love, you start to make faces and grunting noises, much like a pregnant lady in labor. Have you ever watched a live birth, like on TLC? It’s not exactly sexy. This week, you’ve just got to let the love come on its own. Save the faces and grunting for the miracle of birth–or at least for the sex you’ll hopefully get next week as a reward for not being pushy this week.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You will find yourself attracted to someone much older than you…or much younger than you. If you offer to help them out in some way (be creative: everybody needs a little help sometimes) you’ll find yourself in a position to ask them out. And if you do find yourself in that position, you damn well better ask them out, or else this entire eerily accurate horoscope will have been for naught.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
This week you’ll suddenly find yourself attracted to someone you meet via work. But it’s not necessarily a good week for this. If you’ve got a performance review coming up–or if the “via work” connection is that the hottie in question is married to your boss–then we suggest taking a sick day and staying home to jerk off to soap operas.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
We hope your town has some kind of charity run coming up. Or even a charity chicken dance. Because if you take part in some sort of charity event this week you might meet someone special. If you can’t find anything pre-existing, then we suggest you give fate a helping hand and organize one of your own. It’s not cheating if we say it’s not.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
It’s time to make a romantic decision. Your heart is racing and you aren’t sure exactly what to do next. You probably have to go to the bathroom real bad, too. But if you follow your heart, revisit the moral of every romantic comedy ever made, and live by the big book of cliches, then you will become America’s favorite horse mouth, Julia Roberts! Okay, okay, you’ll just find yourself in a committed relationship–that’s kind of crazy too, but in a good way.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 05-13-13

May 13, 2013

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photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You’re gonna be smooth like butter this week. Better yet, you’re gonna be smooth like Fleischmann’s Light margarine spread. Have you ever felt that stuff? It’s so silky, so creamy, we swear you’ll want to get some vinyl sheets from the incontinence aisle at your drug store, open a tub of the marge, get naked with someone and starting buttering each other up like two slices of banana bread. Hey, maybe that could be the creative approach to getting to know someone better that’s in the stars for you this week.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Even if someone offered you a thousand bucks to put a cork in it this week, you’d be hard pressed to keep your mouth shut. It’s okay, everyone suffers the occasional bout of verbal diarrhea. Personally, it’d drive us nuts, but we don’t have to share a cubicle with you, and we certainly have no plans to swap spit with you. And lucky for you, there’s someone out there who doesn’t want you to put a cork in it–in fact, they consider your bubbling to be pure Veuve Cliquot. They’re dying to swap spit with you… and they might even be the very same person you share a cubicle with. Chance in a million, but we thought it was worth mentioning.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
If there ever was a week to schedule seven online personals dates in a row, this is it. You will be nothing short of totally Energetic, Entertaining, and Engaging. The coveted hat trick of E’s! It’s your key to finding true love via online dating. Or at least an excuse to finally kick your prime time reality show habit.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
It’s time for your medicine. We know you hate those super-serious, state-of-the-relationship Talks, but there’s only so long you can put it off for. Trust us, you’ll feel much better once you know for sure where you stand (assuming you’re not totally off in your educated guess as to the state of the relationship, in which case, it serves you right for waiting for so long and we hope you’ve learned your lesson for next time). And who knows? Maybe you’ll even be rewarded with a lil’ “sugar” to help the medicine go down.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
As John McEnroe was fond of saying, “You can’t be serious.” (And yes, we realize we’re dating ourselves here. We stopped watching tennis when the female tennis players traded in grunting for primping.) Indulge in whatever tasty treats take your fancy this week, but don’t get too attached to any particular cupcake. It’s all fun and games until someone starts taking things too seriously. And certainly don’t try to get that cupcake to commit. What are you, crazy? It’s just a piece of bread with icing on top, dude.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
The whole trick to writing horoscopes is to make them applicable both to the sweet young couple on their second date and the dirty old marrieds who just bought a strap-on together. Of course, it’s not a “trick”–it’s an art, it’s a science, and it’s mystical as hell, alright? So here’s yours: Take the path less traveled this week when it comes to romance. Now that’s a horoscope.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Channel your inner Pat Benatar and hit ‘em with yuor best shot. And we don’t mean finally punching out your annoying cubicle neighbor who insists on saying “L.O.L.” instead of actually laughing at funny emails. No, we’re talking about that total hottie whose only annoying quality is their refusal–thus far, at least–to sleep with you. This week, they’ll finally give you the opportunity to prove your love and devotion. So give it all you’ve got, whether that’s a Power Point presentation or an interpretative dance. And if that horoscope reading is too specific for you, try this one on for size: Persistance is a virtue with many rewards. This week, it’s time to reap those rewards.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Stand up and be counted and you will appeal to lots of potential partners who are in the crowd. Your strength to speak out for what you believe in will prompt someone to ask you out. Of course, if you’re only going to espouse Rush Limbaugh’s party line, then we recommend sitting your ass down and shutting your pie hole for the sake of your sex life.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Keep all zippers zipped, all flies flying high, all underwear on, and all trays in their upright and locked positions. If you can’t stand the heat, then go rub one out in the kitchen. Just remember to close the blinds first.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Be open and receptive to advances being made this week. Yeah, right, you’re thinking: Like you spend every weekend thinking, “Oh god, I hope that hottie doesn’t ask me for my number/to dance/to dine at Mario Batali’s new restaurant.” But perhaps there are ways in which you unintentionally make yourself less open/receptive to advances. We can’t really think of any right now, but maybe you can.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
When it comes to making that leap, if you’re not absolutely convinced that your parachute is in good working order, then don’t leap. Duh.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You’re a little bit nuts. You’re into table-dancing, sky-diving (oopsie!), and eating cereal for dinner, you rebel you. You’re a little bit rock’n'roll, absolutely no country. So if you choose a partner who’s into Marie Osmond, it’s not really gonna work out.

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Your Weekly Horoscopes: 05-06-13

May 6, 2013

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grandcentral_ceiling_421photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
So maybe there’s no Santa Claus, and perhaps the tooth fairy turned out to be pretty damned useless once you’d got all your grown-up teeth. But yes, Virginia, there is a Cupid, and this week, he’s in your corner. So make like Rocky and own the ring; with any luck, by sundown Friday you’ll be yelling “Adrian! Adrian!” in the throes of passion. Actually, come to think of it, best not to say “Adrian” unless you’re actually sleeping with one. Using your luvver’s own name adds a nice personal touch.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You know that old trope that you don’t have to end up alone if you don’t choose to? We’d like to state for the record: That’s kakapootie. Sure, you can always be with someone, as long as standards aren’t an issue for you. (“No personality, no manners, no oral skills? No problem!”) What you can control is how often you get out and about and meet people — and the more people you meet, the less likely you are to have to lower your standards. Hey, it’s just numbers, folks.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Teabaggers think their taxes have been raised. American Idol sucks this year. Doesn’t anyone care about poverty anymore? Inflated salaries have sucked all the joie de vivre out of sports. The Vatican should be prosecuted for organized crime. Who said you could blow second-hand smoke my way? Blah blah blah–why do you have to be so opinionated all the time? Can’t you just sit back and let the TV wash over you like the rest of us? No? Well, good for you. But if you want to get laid this week, you might want to turn it down to four or five and save your big “the world is ending” rant for the morning after.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
If you’re looking for someone who is dedicated, loyal, and ready for a relationship, you should attend some of the worthy activities going on in your local community. Hell, even a book-signing will do, as long as it’s not an Ann Coulter book. But if you’re looking for someone who is conniving, backstabbing, and emotionally unavailable, then take your pick from any of the losers hanging out at your local bar.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Here’s your problem: You don’t know how to make the first move. You don’t believe in your own seduction skills! Here’s your solution: You gotta have faith. Oh yeah, and remember: Cheesy lines never work. “Hi, my name is [fill in the blank]” is the only line you’ll ever need to know.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Does personal integrity matter anymore? Is honesty still a virtue? We get countless letters asking us how to cheat and get away with it. Lies, even lies of omission, get you in trouble. If you lie, than you live a lie. Liar, liar, pants on fire, etc, etc. You get the picture: What you do and what you say should be one and the same this week, as always.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
Admit it: You’re no Cyrano on your best days, and this will not be a week of best days. But that doesn’t mean you have to plagiarize in order to get laid. Instead, work with what you’ve got: The heart of a Good Samaritan and more creative ideas than Martha Stewart after five years in the slammer. Do something nice for your intended, and then sit back and wait for the booty to come your way. Oh, it will alright, you can be sure of that.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Twenty-thirteen is treating you very well so far; you’re the arm candy du jour and everyone wants a piece of you. Make the most of this aura of cool and pledge your undying love (or at least your amorous intentions) to that cutie you’ve had your eye on. We’re pretty damn sure you’ll get the response you’re looking for. And if you don’t? Well, they’re an idiot, you’re still hotter than Georgia asphalt, and at least there are plenty more horny fishes in the sea just dying to be runner up this week.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Some people are paralyzed by the prospect of making decisions. They fear they’ll make the wrong choice, that one wrong move–like buying the generic toothpaste on sale rather than the Colgate Total–could set in motion an irreversible course of events that will determine whether or not they die alone and destitute. So they procrastinate, overanalyze, and stress. Ultimately, they don’t decide, just let the toothpaste fall where it may, which is of course a kind of decision all of its own. Usually, these people feel out of control, constantly worried, like there’s a void. And this week, we’re saying that’s a good thing for you. Embrace the indecision. Sit on your ass. See how the other half suffers and it’ll serve your love life well. Don’t worry, you can go back to taking charge of your destiny next week, after some sucker’s taken pity on you and taken you home.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Freedom, woah, freedom, that’s just some people talking: Your prison is walking through this world all alone. And so went a hundred thousand high school yearbook quotes. In the long run, we tend to be down with the Eagles’ pro-commitment philosophy. But if you commit to the wrong person, damn if it doesn’t feel like a prison. Resist the urge to wallow in your loneliness while listening to old Eagles’ albums this week, and save all that commitment until you’re sure you’ve found a worthy recipient.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
If you want to know how someone really feels about you, ask him or her outright. Don’t break into their email account, don’t fake a personal ad and try to get them to respond to you, don’t have your BFF pass them a note with check-off boxes about whether or not they’d go steady with you. No, communication (which may or may not mean confrontation) is the best way to know where you stand. Because you have to know where you stand before you can move forward. For instance, if you figure out you’re standing at the end of a plank over a pool of sharks who lust the blood of a broken heart, only then will you realize in which single direction you can move.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
We hate to be the ones to break it to you, but you can’t always be Cinderella. And this week, the shoe doesn’t fit. No matter how many toes you hack off–at least, that’s how it went in the rather gruesome version of the fairy tale we remember, thanks Mom and Dad–this glass slipper relationship is still not going to be right for you. And don’t think you can get away with rationalizing that “it’ll do for now.” ‘Cause if you insist on shoving your big-ass ugly feet into those glass slippers while you wait for your own prince(ss) charming to come along, when s/he finally does, you’ll have so many blisters that you’ll be unfit for any kind of shoe. Even those super comfy “looks like a pump, feels like a sneaker” kind.

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