photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Talk to the crotch ’cause the face ain’t listening.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Do not go to the Olive Garden this week.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
If your partner won’t dress up like a Catholic School nun and spank your bare bottom with a wooden ruler until it’s pink like a Molly Ringwald prom dress, dump them.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
Take a cold shower.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
You will have the opportunity to sleep with someone way hotter than you but intellectually inferior. No judgements here!

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Love is strange. As long as you’re not related to them, it’s cool, man.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
If you keep schtupping your boss’s spouse you’re gonna get canned like a tuna and have more than your severance pay cut off. (If you’re not currently sleeping with your boss’s wife, then it’s a metaphor, people.)

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
If we can convince you that you’re a hottie — and trust us, you are — chances are you can convince others you’re a hottie too.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Is Bob from accounting’s penis really that big? Is Sharon from Sales’ oral acumen really that impressive? Office romances aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
Try to avoid the inevitable pattern that anyone who’s ever fallen in love falls into. Rent Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind for inspiration.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
They’re called “standards.” Get some.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You will get laid. Well and often.

photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Here’s your problem: You’re such a wuss! Here’s your solution: Make the damn call already. You may be pleasantly surprised. And even if you’re not, at least you’ll know you weren’t a wuss for once. Wusses don’t get laid.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You may be in the mood, but whomever you’re with will be looking for a commitment. Be sure you know what you’re doing. Don’t let your heart rule your head, or you may end up in a sticky situation.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
If you can’t deliver on your promises, there’ll be red faces all around.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
If you want to dish it, you have to be able to take it: no doing someone up the bum until you’re ready to be done up the bum yourself.

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
Concentrate on making money rather than on making sweet love. But when you think about it, what’s the difference?

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
Back in our younger, more impressionable days, after the two of us would write a particularly stellar edition of our column (if we do say so ourselves), we would get lots of nice letters from you. You would tell us that we’re charming, witty, gorgeous, underpaid, and destined for fame. And then we would hit the town like princesses and not understand why everyone else found our behavior “obnoxious” or “self-indulgent.” But nights like that were growing experiences, and essential for shining stars like us — everyone needs a little grounding sometimes. You’re going to have a few to grow on this week, too.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You’re a little bit nuts. You’re into table-dancing, sky-diving, and eating cereal for dinner, you rebel you. You’re a little bit rock’n'roll, absolutely no country. So if you choose a partner who’s into Marie Osmond, it’s not really gonna work out.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
That ultimatum you were given recently? They don’t mean it. Serious, they don’t have the balls/labes to back it up. Don’t be forced into a decision too soon just because you’re afraid of losing something good (like great sex or a summer beach house to call your own). Call their bluff and enjoy life without commitment for a few more weeks. Sure, you’ll put a few hearts through the blender in the process, but what do you care? You’re a Scorpio.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
Play hard to get. No whining, just do it.

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You’ll have trouble getting to second or third base this week, so don’t waste your time. Work on yourself instead.

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
All work and no play apparently makes you the sharpest tool in the sex shed this week.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
The chance of reuniting with someone from your past or getting together with someone at your work this week is, like, huge. Huge.

photo by Simply Schmoopie

Each week, we at EMandLO.com predict the course of your love life for the week with our own version of irreverent horoscopes — ignore our advice at your own peril. (Hyperbole intended for dramatic effect.)

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Do not dip your pen in the company inkwell. You’ll only ruin your nice ball point.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Blow not against the hurricane, but gently against nearby earlobes.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Ambivalence is God’s way of telling you to keep it in your pants.

Read the rest of this entry »

photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Love and money will go hand in hand this week. Of course, you should never rule out spending time with someone who interests you intellectually. But this week, we think you’re going to find yourself in the fortunate position of not having to answer the following question: Was it love, or was it the jet plane to Paris for a private eight-course candle-lit dinner at the top of the Eiffel Tower?

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
You know those people who seem oh-so-casual and relaxed about hooking up and hanging out with you, so much so that they’re willing to go along with just about anything without much fuss? Chances are they aren’t casual and relaxed at all, but rather enamored and whipped! When you’re not that interested, it’s easy to underestimate how interested others actually are in you. One person’s meaningless fling is another person’s beginning of a beautiful relationship. Make sure the people in your immediate sexual circle all say “tomato” the same way, lest you have to call the whole thing off.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You don’t have to commit to the first person who comes along. Wait till they’ve all walked by and then pick the hottest one. Did we say hottest? We meant “most compatible, most respectful of your life goals, most likely to join the Peace Corps and most likely to get on well with your parents.”

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photo by Simply Schmoopie

If brevity is the soul of wit, maybe it’s the heart of all decent horoscopes. Learn your word, love your word, live your word this week. Read between the letters. Use it in a sentence.

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Hesitate

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Confess.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Discriminate (not in the racist way, of course, but in the having-standards way).

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photo by SimplySchmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Things you should take a chance on: wearing a bathingsuit in public; eating vegan for a week (it won’t turn you hippie, we promise); telling potential partners that you used to be a folk singer but it made you too sad; posting your resume online; going to see “Magic Mike” (how can Metacritic be wrong?). Things you should definitely not take a chance on this week: taking an eenie-meanie-minie-moe approach to sex; leaving the bathroom door unlocked while you rub one out in the office; waxing your butthole.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Did you know that Americans have sex earlier, more often and with more partners than any other nation? It must be true ’cause we read it on the web. Bunch of horn-dogs, aren’t we? This week, you’re going to have to fight your roots and keep your legs crossed — the potential partners who come your way are not people you should be sleeping with, in our humble, non-expert opinion. Do whatever it takes to stay celibate for a week — adopt a fake British accent, wear a French beret, eat lots of Wienerschnitzel, etc. (And if you’re not American, then stop screwing like one!)

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
The stars often advise against secret affairs. Are that many people who read horoscopes really engaging in such unethical, deceitful, dishonest behavior? Apparently so, you dirty dogs. This week, Geminis are the ones in the high risk category for doing things they normally wouldn’t do, because normally they are good, decent, caring people. But this week? Proceed with caution. And consider yourself warned.

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photo via flickr

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
Don’t just talk about how nice a tofu dog in the park would be right now; go and get one.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Like New Year’s, the Fourth is one of those holidays where the hype always exceeds the reality. But that doesn’t mean you can take it off this year, sit home and watch the World Poker Tour in your underwear. No, you’ve got to put on a happy face, put on your American-flag pants, suck it up and work the BBQ like the rest of us. At least for you Tauruses there’s a good chance there will be some sexual or romantic pay off. The rest of us just have to make small talk with our weird dentist neighbor.

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
You’ve got a choice this week at the boardwalk: the crisp summer salad with organic veggies or the plate of fried dough with powdered sugar. Go for the salad. Yes, this is a metaphor for your love life.

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photo by SimplySchmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
It’s probably best to avoid slipping some Spanish Fly into your partner’s cocktail, attempting stealth hypnosis, or tying them to your bedpost in the middle of the night while they’re in dreamland. Ambushing: never a good idea. Instead, try honest communication to get what you want this week — you’ll feel better about yourself in the morning and avoid incarceration altogether.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
It may have worked for Danny Zuko and Sandy, but we suggest you stay away from any kind of song-and-dance routine this week. We know, sometimes it seems like no one can better express what you’re feeling than Elton John (“It’s a little bit funny, this feeling inside . . . “) — but now is the time to be yourself, use your own words, and avoid being extravagant or out of the ordinary simply to impress someone. Of course, if you can convince us that tap-dancing to “Call Me Maybe” is the move that works for you, then by all means . . .

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
As Salt-N-Pepa once said, Push it. Push it real good. No matter what those wussy Aries say.

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photo by SimplySchmoopie

It’s “Your Stars in Song Lyrics” week!

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You walked into the party like you were walking onto a yacht, your hat strategically dipped below one eye. You had one eye in the mirror as you watched yourself gavotte, and all the girls dreamed that they’d be your partner. You’re so vain, you probably think this horoscope is about you. — “You’re So Vain,” Carly Simon

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
People, let me tell U somethin’. If U didn’t come 2 party, don’t bother knockin’ on my door. I got a lion in my pocket and, baby, he’s ready 2 roar. (Yeah.) Everybody’s got a bomb, we could all die any day. (Oh.) But before I let that happen, I’ll dance my life away. Oh, they say 2000 zero zero party over, oops, out of time! (We’re runnin’ out of time.) So 2night I’m gonna party like it’s 1999! (We gonna, we gonna, oh!) Say it one more time: 2000 zero zero party over, oops, out of time! — “1999,” Prince

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
I’ve tried to talk to you and make you understand. All you have to do is close your eyes and just reach out your hands and touch me. Hold me close, don’t ever let me go. More than words is all I ever needed you to show. Then you wouldn’t have to say that you love me. Cos I’d already know. — “More Than Words,” Extreme

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photo by Simply Schmoopie

aries (Mar. 21st-Apr. 20th)
You’ve got an itch and you’re going to have to scratch it yourself this week.

taurus (Apr. 21st-May 20th)
Nothing can express your horoscope better than the poetry-in-motion that is “Reunited,” as sung by Peaches and Herb:

I was a fool to ever leave your side
Me minus you is such a lonely ride
The breakup we had has made me lonesome and sad
I realize I love you ’cause I want you bad, hey, hey
Reunited and it feels so good
Reunited ’cause we understood
There’s one perfect fit
And, sugar, this one is it
We both are so excited ’cause we’re reunited, hey, hey

gemini (May 21st-June 21st)
Don’t date anyone from work. However, picking people up at the grocery store is completely acceptable.

cancer (June 22nd-July 22nd)
You’ve overdosed on “where is this relationship going?” talk. Have a break, have a Kit-Kat, have a quickie. Do not discuss how the quickie made you “feel.”

leo (July 23rd-Aug. 22nd)
We’ve always appreciated that scene from “Sex, Lies, and Videotape” where the sister explains to her brother-in-law, with whom she is having an affair, that her sins are not as bad as his: “I never got up in front of a bunch of people and God and promised to be faithful to Anne,” or something like that. Because you know, it’s always “the other woman” (or in some cases, “the other man”) who seems to get all the blame. Still, that’s just bad karma, man. So stay away from your in-laws, or other people’s in-laws.

virgo (Aug. 23rd-Sept. 22nd)
It’s major decision time this week, so dig a little deeper than usual. This decision may change the rest of your life (or at least the rest of your summer), so try not to base your choice on fleeting factors like six-packs and six-pack abs. Get a spine and make the grown-up choice, ya big wuss.

libra (Sept. 23rd-Oct. 23rd)
You are the greatest lover on the planet. Some suckers will actually believe this.

scorpio (Oct. 24th-Nov. 22nd)
Here’s your problem: You always want it right-here-right-now, so you tend to focus on who’s available rather than who’s your ideal partner. Here’s your solution: Next time you’re tempted to go on a date/go home with someone who’ll “do for now,” just say no; instead, go home and masturbate to the fantasy of Mr./Ms. Right.

sagittarius (Nov. 23rd-Dec. 21st)
You may feel like you’re out of control on the tilt-a-whirl of love, but really it’s just hormones. Enjoy the ride (and we’re not talking metaphorically, if you know what we mean).

capricorn (Dec. 22nd-Jan. 20th)
You will make a physical connection with someone who is warm, loving, and sensitive to your needs this week. And you know what that spells, right? Give us an OHHHHHHHHHH…

aquarius (Jan. 21st-Feb. 18th)
You have been letting physical attraction overrule intellectual appeal. What are you, human or something? You don’t have to date anyone who got beat with the ugly stick, but you might want to at least rule out anyone who can’t name our president.

pisces (Feb. 19th-Mar. 20th)
You’ve got more pep than a Mountain Dew commercial, and this week, everyone’s going to want to do the Dew. If you’re going to share your soda with a complete stranger, don’t forget to use separate straws, if you know what we mean.