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Blog Snog: I Was a Real-Life Disneyland Mermaid

May 22, 2015

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photo via WeHeartIt



The Best of #WifeBonus on Twitter This Week

May 21, 2015

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Earlier this week we posted our poem, “13 Ways of Looking at a Wife Bonus,” in response to the news¬†that some Upper East Side stay-at-home moms, married to hedge fund managers and bankers and otherwise rich men, allegedly get¬†end of year ‚Äúwife bonuses‚Ä̬†for good housekeeping (amongst other things). We’re not the only ones a little bit obsessed by the news. It turns out the wife bonus even has its own Twitter handle, @WifeBonus. Here are some of our favorite tweets on the topic so far:

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The Forthcoming Slut-Shaming of the Bachelorette

May 20, 2015

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Last night, during part two of the season premiere, Bachelor Nation quickly learned that the producers had in fact stacked the deck against Britt to ensure Kaitlyn would take her rightful place as The Bachelorette. But even being staunch supporters of the Kaitlyn campaign did not make watching Britt’s unceremonious dismissal enjoyable. The Highlander gimmick — as with most recent Bachelor gimmicks — seemed incredibly cheap, manipulative and just not worth it. “Hey, we’re going put you on a shaky pedestal, just to watch you fall off!” At least the singer-songwriter Brady followed his heart, pulled himself out of the game, and went in search of Britt, hopefully saving her from a life on ChristianSingles.com. (Maybe yoga-dork Tony should’ve considered walking the walk more, like Brady, instead of just talking all his apparently disingenuous new-age talk.*)

Unfortunately, shaky pedestals are mostly what The Bachelor/ette franchise trades in. And so we discovered in the season highlights featured at the end of the show — undeniably the most dramatic minute of last night’s entire 1-hour episode — that just because Kaitlyn was crowned Bachelorette does not mean she’s going to get off scot free. Oh no, prepare to be taken down a peg or 12!

Apparently, Kaitlyn has sex on this season of “The Bachelorette.” To which you might say, “Yeah, we all know the Bachelor/ettes usually have sex with the three people who end up in their three fantasy suites, so what? This is sanctioned, encouraged, practically obligatory in the world of ‘The Bachlor/ette.’ Nobody judges because it’s understandable that you want to sample the sex before you sign on for a life of it.”

But Kaitlyn has sex before the fantasy suites - Dun dun DUN!!!!!! Cue the foreboding music, the outrage, and, of course, the slut shaming.

We’ll admit, it may not be the nicest or the classiest thing in the world to have sex with one person while you’re dating several others. But then that standard should be applied across the board, even in the fantasy suites — after all, which god deemed that multiple sexual partners is sanctioned only within the sacred confines of a petal-strewn hotel room in the tropics? It’s all so arbitrary!

Which begs the question: is the level of interrogation, judgment and resulting tearful self-indictment that Kaitlin apparently experiences, as suggested in the teaser, really warranted?¬†On his own season, Juan Pablo, who had (some kind of) sex with Clare in the ocean, was spared similar treatment — no, all the ire was directed at Clare, not him. Apparently, women are the guardians of sex; they alone have the burden of good judgment, self restraint and appropriately-timed purity. Men are off the hook, because they can’t help themselves (duh) — women, on the other hand, should really know better.

We can hope the producers just exaggerated the drama and threw up some red herrings to get us to tune in this season (as they’re notorious for…and which we’re suckers for). But even if that’s the case, the producers still edited the package to run Kaitlyn over the rails. They may as well have had wardrobe put her in a shirt with a scarlet letter on the front (made out of rose petals, natch)!

When people are put in impossibly romantic situations, with mood lighting, bathing suites, hot tubs, hotel rooms and countless glasses of champagne — all with at least the spoken intention of finding and falling in love — can we really blame them for taking a hot and heavy makeout session to the next obvious¬†level? And if we can, then we’ve got to be consistent with our blame: If women are expected to abstain, then men must be too; if sex on “The Bachelor/ette” is not okay in regular hotel rooms, then it shouldn’t be okay in the fantasy suites.

It seems like Kaitlyn has the ability to keep things in perspective: at one point she says, “I don’t think I’m a bad person and I’m not ashamed of myself. [I just] made a huge mistake.” Let’s hope the men on the show and, more importantly, America can too.

* As cringe-inducing as Tony is, he did come up with one of the best new terms for masturbation that we’ve heard in a long time: “There’s one water fountain now and we’re all standing in line,” said Tony, after they sent his first choice, Britt, home. “I’m feeling like going home and digging my own well.” Digging my own well. We’re gonna use that!

Read our take on the first part of the season premiere of “The Bachelorette.

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Top 5 Love Lessons from “The BacheloretteS” (Kaitlyn & Britt’s Season Premiere)

May 19, 2015

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Life began again last night with the premiere of ABC’s “The Bachelorette”– or should we say, “The BacheloretteS”? After all, this season’s big twist was pitting last season’s two favorites — Kaitlyn Potty-Mouth Bristowe and Britt Insincerity’s-My-Middle-Name Nillson — against each other in a Highlander-esque cocktail party where they had to outcharm 25 fairly unimpressive guys in order to score the most roses by night’s end.

We haven’t read any spoilers, so simply going off of last night’s episode intel, here are our theories (read: hopes):

The producers know Bachelor Nation (i.e. middle aged married moms who like to make themselves feel better about their life choices by watching young people make such bad ones*) will not stand for Britt winning, not with her kitten voice, her requisitely long-flowing princess locks, and her beautiful brown eyes, so colored because of the amount of shit she’s full of. And so they’ve stacked the party guests in down-to-earth Kaitlyn’s favor, so that we may all rejoice again once more in a melodramatic tear-fest performed by Britt when she’s quickly and unceremoniously ejected.

Either that, OR . . .

Mr. Drunky McDrunk Ryan was just a plant who was enlisted to destroy the tie-breaking rose — while wearing a wet Speedo — in an over-the-top display of drunken disdain and disrespect for the two women and this “process”, serving two purposes: 1) Produce the requisite blackout scene every viewer of Bachelor/ette cocktail parties has come to know, love and expect. And 2) Force a tie between the two women which will magically spur the producers to decide to let the women parallel-play dating roullette for at least a little while longer (i.e. until the majority of men realize that Kaitlyn is the only viable choice).

OR…

The best-looking and smartest-seeming men could not prevail over the more meatheaded Neanderthals who were hypnotized by Britt’s shiny sparkly-ness and the feelings it stirred under their loincloths, resulting in Kaitlyn’s premature departure tonight. But because of the collective yearnings of Bachelor Nation, the producers will be compelled — indeed, they’ve planned it all along! — to bring Kaitlyn back in dramatic twist that gives the remaining contestants the chance to mutiny, jump Britt’s ship and take their rightful place alongside Kaitlyn.

These are not guaranteed predictions — we can’t see the future (because we refuse to read spoilers). But we can guarantee that if you learn the love lessons imparted on last night’s episode, you’ll fare far better than pretty much all the people who’ve ever been on an episode of “The Bachelor/ette”:

  1. In the immortal words of host Chris Harrison, delivered with total earnestness and not even a whiff of irony, “Change is hard.” For those of you who need help unpacking that heavy shit: Put your big girl pants on, expect curveballs, and instead of whining about them, embrace them with as much grace as possible (which in Kaitlyn’s case, may not have been much, but at least she tried…really, rilly hard).
  2. Probably a good idea not to call someone you’re hoping to date, have sex with and/or marry a “bitch” or a “ho”, even behind their back. Respecting other people is one of the first steps toward respecting yourself…Ryan.
  3. Gimmicks — a “carpool” or a “cupcake car” — are not necessary to make a good first impression. In fact, more often than not, they’ll backfire and make a bad first impression. All you need is a sense of humor, good hygiene, and the wisdom not to get totally blotto on your date.
  4. Speaking as veteran sex coaches, please don’t take the name of what we do in vain. Calling yourself an “amateur sex coach” as simply a jokey come-on line is an affront, not only to the serious work we do (e.g. watching “The Bachelorette“¬†with a box o’ wine and then writing snarky commentary on it), but it’s an affront to your date as well: Guaranteed she does not want to talk butt plugs right now. We should know: we’re experts.
  5. Stop touching your hair on your date! Really, please, just leave it alone. It looks fine.
*Or maybe that’s just us.

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photo via The Bachelorettes’ Twitter feed



13 Ways of Looking at a “Wife Bonus”

May 19, 2015

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The Primates of Park Avenue by Wednesday Martin is on sale now

In case you’ve been living under a rock the past few days, it turns out that some Upper East Side stay-at-home moms, married to hedge fund managers (etc.), apparently get end of year “wife bonuses” for good housekeeping. Yeah. We know.

What these women receive bonuses for: domestic budgeting, getting the kids into the right pre-school, hosting the perfect dinner party, etc. And, one would have to assume — and Upper East Side mothers who¬†don’t¬†get wife bonuses certainly claim this — blowjobs. This bit of depressing, backassward news comes from¬†Wednesday Martin, author of the new book¬†Primates of Park Avenue.¬†She calls these women glam SAHMs.

The Wallace Stevens poem “Thirteen Ways of Looking at a Blackbird” is sometimes assigned to elementary school kids as a kicking off point for their own poems — poems about fall, or snow, or family, or their favorite blue, or whatever. As the mothers of elementary school kids ourselves, we are the proud owners of many of such works of clear GENIUS. Today we would like to use this poem as inspiration for our own what-the-fuck response to this news, with apologies to the truly genius Wallace Stevens:

I
Among twenty Botoxed faces,
The only moving thing
Was the husband’s hand on his check book.

II
I was of three minds,
Like a stay at home mom
Who has only false choices.

III
The glam SAHM whirled in the winds of her Flywheel class.
It was a small part of the pantomime.

IV
A man and a woman
Are one.
A man and a woman and a wife bonus
Are something else entirely.

V
I do not know which to prefer,
A woman getting paid for good housekeeping
Or a woman getting paid nothing at all,
The blowjobs being recompensed
Or no blowjobs at all.

VI
A four-year-old gets into the right pre-school
Because his mother hired the right interview coach
And also maybe because her husband
Donated some money.
She will thank him
With Reverse Cowgirl
And a clean house.

VII
O thin women of the Upper East Side,
Why do you cosset yourselves at charity luncheons?
Do you not see how the men
Soar above you
While smoking cigars?

VIII
Ladies nights can improve relationships
And they can expand a marriage;
But if the ladies are always cloistered,
Then it is no longer a choice
And where’s the dancing-drunk-to-Beyonce fun in that?

IX
When the wife bonus was less than she had hoped for,
And smaller than other wife bonuses,
It marked the edge
Of one of many circles.

X
At the sight of glam SAHMs
Sweating their way through a Flywheel class,
Even the women who say they’re not feminists
Would cry out sharply.

XI
She rode across the city
In a luxury town car.
Once, a fear pierced her,
In that she mistook
The shadow of his fancy check-writing pen
For wrinkles.

XII
The hand is moving on the check book.
The wife bonus must be coming soon.

XIII
She never wears sweatpants,
She never looks her age.
It is a full-time job.
The glam SAHM sat patiently
and waited for her wife bonus.

The Primates of Park Avenue by Wednesday Martin is on sale now

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Blog Snog: 9 Golden Rules That Will Save Your Marriage

May 15, 2015

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photo via WeHeartIt


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6 Ways Technology Has Altered Your Love Life

May 14, 2015

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by Kylie M. for YourTango | photo via Flickr

Behold, the wonders of the Internet ‚ÄĒ changing your¬†love¬†life one social network,¬†dating¬†site and app at a time. Communicating with partners is more instant than ever before¬†‚ÄĒ but possibly also more complicated.

According to our recent¬†Dating In The Digital Age survey, 75% of you have experienced lovers’ quarrels caused by miscommunications through technology. Sound familiar?

Even how we share news about our love lives has been greatly altered from our new devices. Just signing onto Facebook, you can find out an acquaintance from middle school is engaged or your 15-year-old cousin is newly single.

Take a peek at just how technology has revolutionized your¬†relationships, from how we meet people to how we tell the world we’re getting hitched.

 

1. Flirting

Then: You actually had to leave the house.

Going out
imgur.com

Now: A hot date is just a click away.

before and after tech
reactiongifs.com

 

2. Hearing From Your Crush

Then:¬†After a few months of waiting, you’d finally get a response from a deeply personal love letter you mailed him.

Oh goodie
reactiongifs.com

Now:¬†He’ll respond to your message a few seconds later, possibly via SnapChat.

before and after tech
Reddit

 

3. Getting Ready For A First Date

Then:¬†You’d freshen up in the bathroom in front of the mirror.

getting ready
imgur.com

Now:¬†Selfies¬†are new way to check yourself out¬†‚ÄĒ and so are the friends you send them to.

before and after tech
reactiongifs.com

 

4. Talking To A Cute Guy

Then:¬†You had to muster up the courage to make small talk … can you imagine?

I like you a lot
imgur.com

Now:¬†You text him things like…

reactiongifs.com

 

5.¬†Realizing The Guy You’re Seeing Is Also Seeing Someone Else:

Then:¬†“I’ll never find another man like that.”

sad in rain

imgur.com

Now: You realize you have 10 new matches on Tinder.

before and after tech

 

6. Letting The World Know You’re Engaged

Then:¬†They’d read about it in the newspaper a few weeks after he proposes.

newpaper
giphy.com

Now:¬†Your ring’s on Instagram (with hundreds of comments) before you’ve even said “yes.”

before and after tech
Tumblr

This article originally appeared on YourTango.com as “6 Ways Technology Has Altered Your Love Life.”
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Blog Snog: Men’s Bulges Are the New Female Boobs

May 8, 2015

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Image via Twitter user FlauntMagazine



What Every Mom Wants for Mother’s Day

May 8, 2015

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A room of one’s own…specifically, a hotel room…in which to masturbate. That’s the message of the funny music video by The Pump and Dump, called “Hotel Room“:

While watching the video, we realized the singer’s voice sounded familiar…and then it hit us: “Walk of Shame“! — another funny music video we highlighted on this site¬†years ago by comedian Shayna Ferm (much lower production values, but hey, it was only 2008):

Back then, she was backed by “the Upper Deckers.” Now, two kids later (not unlike yours truly), she’s joined forces with “MC Doula” to create The Pump and Dump Show, “a raucous evening of comedy, inappropriate music, prizes, drinking, swearing and commiseration in Denver, Colorado…sure to make you laugh your c-section scar open” every month.

Sometimes they take their show on the road. We just want to know when they’re coming to the Hudson Valley!

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Understanding Islamic Feminism

May 7, 2015

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“Islamic feminist.” Sounds like an oxymoron, right? But this week’s episode of the PRI radio show “America Abroad,” produced and written by (our amazing friend) Mia Lobel, will get you thinking. This fascinating hourlong podcast called “Understanding Islamic Feminism” covers feminist reinterpreters of the Koran in Egypt,¬†Morocco’s most progressive family law in the East¬†(which makes¬†it easier for women to divorce, inherit property, and gain custody of their children), the burka ban in France,¬†the first all-female mosque in the United States, and — our favorite — a profile of the creator of “Shugs & Fats,” a sketch comedy web series featuring two veiled women exploring the cultural traditions and trends of the West (think¬†juice cleanses, speed dating, and — yes! — even¬†vibrators). While it may seem, at times, like trying to jam a square peg into a round hole (especially if you’re an atheist), this particular public radio show will give you great hope for the future of Islam — that it can and will become a religion which globally recognizes the human rights of women, thanks to feminist activists like those featured here:

 

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