photo by jcestnik

Normally we don’t bother covering books that we think are terrible, but every now and then we can’t resist. There’s a book available for sale at a car wash (seriously) in L.A. called WTF? How to Survive 101 of Life’s Worst F-ing Situations. (That’s the name of the book, not the car wash, by the way.) And it turns out that one of life’s “worst f-ing situations” is when your girlfriend wants to be exclusive. Another f-ing disaster is when she wants to get a little kinky in the bedroom. It’s as if the authors are actually trying to piss us off. And it worked.

We’d like to be bigger people and not give this book the attention it clearly doesn’t deserve, but we’re childish and immature and instead we’re going to quote two passages from the book to prove how right we are. We might consider forgiving the authors if they were funny, but they’re not. So there.

The WTF Approach to Curbing the F-ing Kink

Option #1: Have Less Sex

The only way to make normal, “vanilla” sex exciting — or even worth doing — is to do it less often. Go on a trip, get sick, or just tell her that you have a headache. This will make her want sex more and appreciate any kind — even the boring kind that you’re capable of giving. However, there’s a risk with this strategy. She might feel that you are less interested in her, and therefore spend more time trying to seduce you in extra-kinky ways, such as lying on the coffee table spread eagle when you get home — with a bald eagle in her lap.

Option #2: Give Her to the Gardener

If you really can’t satisfy her appetite for wacky sex, find someone who can. Make the gardener or pool boy or your driver screw her silly. You might as well pay people to handle all your chores.

Option #3: Develop a Disgusting Fetish

One way to bring her kink down to a manageable level is to become too kinky yourself, thus scaring her into regular sex. If you are unseemly hairy or fat, wearing a simply lace teddy will turn down her kink in a heartbeat.

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We’ve been a fan of Kristen Schaal’s since she played super-fan Mel on the awesomely genius show Flight of the Conchords. (If you’ve never seen it, stop reading this post immediately and add it to your Netflix queue. But come back!) She’s now a correspondent on The Daily Show, where her boyfriend Rich Blomquist is a writer, and they’ve written a book together called The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex. As you might have guessed, it pokes (heh) fun at the sex-writing biz. But we can take it. Really, we can. Just to prove it, here’s an excerpt — a 12-step guide to being a bad girl, a.k.a. a toad-licking crazy girl. And yes, for the record, we know that kink and crazy are not the same thing. But that doesn’t mean that they’re not occasional bed partners.

Want to win a FREE copy of The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex? We have one copy to give away, and it goes to the person who posts our favorite comment in the feedback section below (so don’t forget to include a working email address in the email box in the comments submission form — don’t worry, only we’ll be able to see it).

“Be a Bad Girl” by Kristen Schaal & Rich Blomquist, authors of The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex

Is there any truth to the rumor that crazy girls are more fun in bed? There’s only one way to find out: get your psycho insane freak on! A relationship can only become interesting when it’s unpredictable and dramatic. So pull down that halter top and unpack those daddy issues, it’s time to take your man for a wild ride. Follow these twelve taboo steps that will have him too scared to say no:

STEP 1: SURPRISE HIM!

Men loved to be surprised, especially if it’s his penis being surprised by a warm mouth under his desk in the middle of work. Sneak out of bed at 3 am and hide in his office until it’s time to make your move. Even if his satisfied moans get him fired, you’ll still be inducted into the Bad Girl Hall of Fame.

STEP 2: SCARE HIM

A good scare gets the heart racing, and that means the blood is getting to his penis even faster. Mug him in the parking lot. Wear a mask and carry a gun and ask for all his money. Then order him to give you all his penis money. If he’s confused, make him dance by shooting bullets at his feet just as a bad girl does. Then have your way with him in the car. After he realizes that it was you all along he will be scared of you, but more important, he’ll respect you.

STEP 3: PEE ON HIM

This is a great way to tell him you’ve lost control of your mind and your bladder. While you’re doing it, be sure to look him directly in the eye so he knows that you know that the toilet is only a few feet away and you don’t even care.

STEP 4: CUT YOURSELF

Tell your man that you’re upset you haven’t fused your spirits together with a blood ritual the way your parents did when they were young. Slice each other’s palms with your trusty switchblade, then drink each other’s blood. If he still isn’t turned on, whip up a batch of blood margaritas. When you are done making love, say that cuddling is boring and carve his name into his chest. Every time he looks in mirror he will remember who he is and that he has a real spark plug for a girlfriend.

STEP 5: MAKE UP A SWEAR WORD

Everyone says “fuck.” It’s become almost inoffensive as the word “celery.” But if you make up a word, like burtcod, and tell him that it means to fuck hard all night long, then you have a secret code between the two of you that is filthy dirty. And nothing’s more enjoyable than talking like a sailor in front of Grandma with your very own foreign tongue. “Pass the asparagus, Grandma, I need all the energy I can get tonight to burtcod.”

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How did we manage to miss this totally awesome quote from Ryan Gosling? In an interview with New York magazine about his upcoming movie BLUE VALENTINE (opening later this year, it’s a portrait of a marriage, co-starring Michelle Williams), he’s asked about his character’s tattoo of Shel Silverstein’s The Giving Tree on his arm, and replies: “That book is so fucked up; that story’s the worst. I mean, at the end the tree is a stump and the old guy just sitting on him — he’s just used him to death, and you’re supposed to want to be the tree? Fuck you. You be the tree. I don’t want to be the tree.” Now we can’t decide which we love more — Silverstein’s book or Gosling’s quote about it.

And now the YouTube character “Sassy Gay Friend” has jumped in to set the Giving Tree straight, with a little advice about how to get out of the “abusive relationship.” In case you’re at work, read some of our favorite quotes after the jump.

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We, Em & Lo, worked with and are friends with (and Lo was apt-mates with) Jessica Baumgardner, who married Irad Eyal, which is our connection to the new book “Sex Degrees of Separation.” Irad has just turned his unhealthy obsession with celebrity hook-ups into an exhaustive encyclopedia that combines the idea of “six degrees of separation” and the game “six degrees of Kevin Bacon” with an emphasis on romantic ties and bodily fluids. Any “Us Weekly” subscriber (that would be Em) will be awed and amazed by the scope of this book, which includes extensively diagrammed connections between everyone from Paris Hilton to Diddy to, yes, Kevin Bacon. The graphic designers must be relaxing in a mental institution after this complicated project, which Irad compares to untangling a thousand iPod headphones that have been in your bag for a week. Em knows what guilty pleasure reading she’s bringing to the beach this weekend.

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1. She posed in a bee costume for the cover of her new memoir, i know i am, but what are you? And still manages to look kinda hot in it.
2. She’s a fan of pubic hair. “Our body looks weird without it,” she told The Frisky. “Vaginas don’t look that nice to me without it. Like, little girls have cute vaginas. But lady vaginas, you need a little hair. It makes it look better. I just resent being told I’m supposed to do something with my pubic hair. Fuck off! It’s my thing. If you don’t like it, let’s move on. I don’t like you.”
3. She’s 40 and sexy in a totally non-cougarific kind of way. (If we find out that she owns any animal-print clothing, we might cry.)
4. She’s currently heavily pregnant on TV for the third time and her career is taking off more than ever.
5. She once worked in an erectile dysfunction clinic.

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We really should have some kind of back-stabbing, cat-fighting (or at least pillow-fighting) relationship with Erin Bradley — author of the new book Every Rose Has Its Thorn: The Rock ‘n’ Roll Field Guide to Guys – seeing as she picked up where we left off at Nerve.com. She’s been their advice lady now for five years. But we’re bigger people than that. Okay, we’re not, but she’s really sweet and very funny and gives solid advice — what’s not to like?

The book examines ten different types of guys, based on rock stars you know and love-slash-hate, as a means of giving straight women advice about their dating and sex lives. In other words, there’s a lot to be learned from trying to figure out if Morrissey would make a better boyfriend or booty call. If we were to judge a book by its cover, we’d never have picked this one up. But fortunately we’re not that superficial (and fortunately it’s much cooler-looking inside). Here are some of our favorite quotes about the ten different types covered in the book:

1. Bad Company (e.g. Pete Doherty): You get involved with Bad Company because you think he’s so cool and so artistic and so interesting, but it’s like, if you don’t have clean underwear, how smart can you be?
2. Johnny B. Goode (e.g. Moby, Chris Martin): He’s the guy who will spend the afternoon working with injured birds of prey and then proceed to get in a vicious fight with your grandpa about politics, despite your prepping him the whole week before not to bring up bisexuality, France, or Barack Obama.
3. Sexy Motherfucker (e.g. Mick Jagger, Prince): Sexy Motherfucker looks better in your panties than you do. When his man package isn’t prominent it’s like he’s no longer himself. He’s disliked by your father and liked perhaps a little too much by your mother and sister.
4. Mannish Boy (e.g. Beastie Boys): Owns a gorilla suit, but not an interview suit. Takes you to an ironic restaurant for your anniversary.
5. Part-Time Lover (e.g. Tommy Lee): He’s not your “boyfriend,” but you’ve been together ten years. You’ve broken up with him so many times you no longer bother updating friends, family, or Facebook.

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When we reviewed the book The Husbands and Wives Club: A Year in the Life of a Couples Therapy Group a few weeks back, we wrote: “Here are five couples who reject — albeit under the firm hand of a skilled therapist — the notion that there are only two acceptable narratives when it comes to talking about your own marriage: the long-walks-on-the-beach love story, or what [the author] calls the “resigned farce” — husbands and wives alike joking about their domestically useless/sexually burdensome/nagging spouse.”

Well, the authors of the memoir You Say Tomato, I Say Shut Up: A Love Story have reinvented the resigned farce. And because Annabelle Gurwitch and Jeff Kahn are (a) writers and comedians and (b) clearly still in love after 13 years of marriage, it works. (Okay, it mostly works: The multiple-page transcript of their attempt at marriage therapy was torturous to read, but perhaps that was the point.)

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On Monday here we introduced the book Uncovered by Jordan Matter, and featured four of the women in the book. Today we feature four more portraits and interviews.

Em & Lo: How did you two end up taking part in this photo shoot?

Mike: I heard about the project somewhat based on my working as a figure model, as a male, I would clearly not qualify but mentioned it to Mary. She agreed to pose and wanted me to pose with her as well.
Mary: And I am always up for a trip to NY.

E&L: We love how Susan Seligson describes in the intro how baring her breasts took the power away from the oglers by making a preemptive strike, she felt that it shifted the power base. Did you experience that?

Mary: I felt a little self conscious but also feel it should not create the “scene” it did. It should be normal.
Mike: I agree it should be normal. I don’t believe is shifts the power base to any great degree. Females always have power; I understand the intent of the statement but based on what I bring with me but don’t know that it shifts a power base.

E&L: Do you think this project worked? Do you think the photo shoots did change people’s view of what it means to see bare breasts? Or is there the chance that guys who like to ogle breasts will just see this book as one more chance to ogle?

Mary: I believe the project worked based on what people have said, combined with the photos. There will always be guys who don’t want to expand horizons and will not get past the ogling.
Mike: I agree the project worked, from an artistic and and visual environmental base. The actions are a strong statement. I also agree that not everyone will get it on that level and simple oglers will see what they simply ogle.

E&L: Did this photo shoot change the way you think about your own bodies or your boobs?

Mary: I don’t know that it changed what I think of my body, but being part of it (the project) is good.
Mike: It did not change what I think of my body at all, but I’ve worked as a nude model for years and don’t even think much about being bare. From my standpoint, the barefoot sandals I wore got as much attention as being shirtless.

Em & Lo: Do you think this project worked?

Ellie: I don’t know if it is big enough to put a dent in our society’s puritanical views when it comes to nudity, but I hope it did. I hope it’s seen as beautiful and normal and not risque. Breast shouldn’t be shocking. And besides, if we were covered to our chins, they’d ogle at our ankles.

E&L: How did people around you react to the shoot?

Ellie: There’s a very angry looking man in the background of one of my photos. Most people seemed uncomfortable with it. A female cop threatened to arrest us. Others giggled or became indignant. My favorite was a gentleman standing near us during some shots outside Port Authority — for the 60 seconds I had my shirt off he ran a very colorful commentary about his ideal female breast, how mine compared, and how he appreciated Jordan’s choice of subject matter.

E&L: Are you glad you did it?

Ellie: Like most people, I had really poor body image. I am glad I did it because it led me to art modeling and that experience helped me appreciate what is mine and why I should be happy with it. It’s kinda of fun just to say I did it, especially since I tend to be shy. And I like the context, the whole message of the project.

E&L: Who have you showed it to?

The first person I showed it to was my mom. Most of my friends have seen it, both male and female. The guys I’ve dated find it really exciting. It’s not something I hide, but I don’t necessarily promote it either. Never coworkers, at any job. The guys I worked with in construction already saw me as just boobs and ass with no brains. Showing it to them would have not improved the situation.

E&L: So what did your mom say when she saw it?

Ellie: My mom thought the picture was really beautiful, but it was shocking to her, not because I was topless in the middle of NYC, but because she suddenly realized her little girl was all grown up and is a c-cup.

E&L: Women constantly complain about what it’s like to walk past a construction site; working in construction, are you dealing with that kind of attitude 24/7?

Ellie: I actually stopped being a carpenter, as much as I loved it, and keep it as a hobby. Maybe I’m a terrible feminist, but it’s very tiring to have everything you do, your entire competence second guessed, undermined, just because of gender and for no other reason every single day. If I had been in a union or working for a large company, maybe it would have been different. But I was working for a really small company, I was the only girl. My boss told me flat out he would never pay me more than any of the guys, even though he acknowledged that I was one of his best employees. I ended up going in a whole different direction. Plus it’s nice leaving work not entirely covered in dirt.

E&L: Was it your idea or Jordan’s to pose in the hard hat? And how do you think this image differs from the kind of images you see on calendars that, say, a construction worker might put up on his office wall?

Ellie: It was Jordan’s idea. I avoid wearing them unless absolutely necessary. He actually wanted to do it a little more dirtied up, make me look more sweaty and grimey, but was afraid of crossing that line from tasteful to pin-up. So we decided on just the hat and work boots to contextualize the image and its background, and help tell the story we see all the time on work sites, just a normal contruction worker, taking a lunch break and cooling off by removing her shirt. Just like the guys.

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We have to admit, when we first heard about Jordan Matter’s book Uncovered — topless portraits of more than 80 normal women (i.e. not models), all shot in public in NYC — we were cynical. First of all, it’s hard to get past the fact that Jordan Matter is a dude, who spent six years photographing topless women. Sure, some of the women are old enough to be his grandmother and there is an impressive range of body types featured. Still, we found it hard to get excited by the whole “embrace your body” message coming from a guy. Plus, while some of the jokes in the photos work, like the woman standing topless in front of a street stall selling knock-off bras, some — like the woman walking home from the office, topless with pearls from the waist up, corporate from the waist down — gave us second-hand embarrassment.

But then we started interviewing the women who participated in this project, and reading their personal statements that accompany their portraits in the book, as well as the awesome forward by Susan Seligson, author of the memoir Stacked: A 32DDD Reports from the Front (who, to her surprise, ended up posing as well). And our cynicism (well, some of it at least) started to crumble. Also, turns out it’s legal to be topless in the city — who knew?! Seligson writes in the foreward:

“For all the lusting, leering and hooting my breasts have attracted, exposing them of my own volition seemed to shift the power base. When I remove my top and bra on a city street, if anyone is the aggressor it’s me alone. How can I be the victim if I stage a pre-emptive strike? The experience left me feeling upbeat and somehow victorious, and the effect lingered for days.”

This from a woman who once, while fully clothed on the streets of Boston, watched a man yell “Nice tits”! and then wrap his car around a lamppost (turns out there is a God, or at least karma). Which is why we decided to feature some of the images and text from this book, as well as excerpts from our interviews with the women. We even decided to include a few of the cheesier images, so you can judge for yourself. Maybe you’re more cynical than we are, or maybe you’ll get the warm fuzzies immediately. Or maybe — and this is a risk that all 80 women took, and you have to admire them for it — you’ll just look at the pictures and think “Nice tits.”

We’ll feature four of the women today, and four more here on Thursday.

Katie: “I had a meeting with a casting director from L.A. Without a glance at my headshot or resume, he looks at me — all 5′2″, 125lb of me — and says ‘You need to lose 20 or gain 30 because where you are right now, we can’t do anything with you.’”

Em & Lo: We have to admit, we totally understand your mom’s reaction to the shoot. [Katie's mom told her that Jordan was "using you to make money, to cater to guys who get off on breasts .... Why couldn't you make that [body image] statement in a bathing suit?”] Has she softened at all now that she’s seen the book?

Katie: Four years down the road, Mom still refuses to see my pictures. We have talked about it a few times, and she has calmed down since that first loud and emotional conversation; initially, she was very harsh about Jordan, calling him a pervert and accusing him of taking advantage of me, but now accepts that it was my choice to participate and that I wanted to do this, though she still doesn’t understand why and says she “never will and doesn’t need to.” I hope she changes her mind one day.

E&L: We found it interesting how Susan Seligson describes in the intro how baring her breasts took the power away from the oglers by making a preemptive strike, she felt that it shifted the power base. Did you experience that?

Katie: Can I say Yes and No to this one? As an individual, yes, I felt tremendously empowered. There was a unique high and sense of invincibility that came from being topless. However, I doubt I would have felt so safe if Jordan (a very tall man with a very big presence) hadn’t been just a few steps away. And I found that not censoring myself meant some onlookers were also much less censored. In particular, one man asked my name and then said, “I like to know who I’m jerking off to later.” Another man grabbed my breast! We did some pictures (not in the book) near the Christmas tree in Rockefeller Center, and a man dressed like Santa Claus took a few photos with me. He put his arm around me, as many people do when posing with someone, but went one step further and cupped my breast; I suppose he reasoned that if I was comfortable showing them off, I’d be fine having them touched too. Break one boundary, so you must not have any others.

In the end, Susan’s statement makes me wonder why it’s necessary to make a “preemptive strike” at all? Why is any of that behavior — ogling, gesturing, cat-calling, fondling — deemed acceptable or as commonplace, regardless of whether a woman is topless? It’s like the belief that women wearing short skirts are more likely to be raped; shouldn’t we be able to wear or not wear whatever we want without being objectified or feeling unsafe? I think part of the point of Uncovered is to ask why boobs are such a big deal in the first place.

E&L: By the way, we had no idea it was legal to do this! Do you think most people don’t realize that?

Katie: I don’t think many people give the matter much thought one way or the other until they’re confronted with it. But Jordan has to carry a copy of the law around with him while shooting because more people are inclined to assume that it’s wrong than the alternative.

E&L: Are you still glad you did it? Who have you shown the book to?

Katie: I’m always glad I did it. It was a terribly exhilarating, liberating, thought-provoking, and fun experience. I’m not shy about sharing it with anyone who wants to see. Mom and Dad still pretend it never happened, but I have other family members who were very proud. My best friend in Seattle has my photo framed on her living room wall. I’m a certified Pilates Instructor, which leads to many conversations about body image, so everyone I work with has seen it. I shared it with a client who recently underwent a mastectomy and is going through reconstruction. I hope as many people as possible see Uncovered and engage in conversations about body image, sexuality, and our culture as a whole.

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Before we started reading The Husbands and Wives Club: A Year in the Life of a Couples Therapy Group by Laurie Abraham (based on this NYT mag cover story), we had a number of preconceived notions. (1) Okay, so other people’s therapy might be interesting when Gabriel Byrne plays the therapist on HBO, but real-life couples and real-therapy therapy? It’s a miserable thing to say about other people’s marital troubles, but they can be so boring. (2) Group couples therapy? Isn’t that a little ’70s? (3) Wouldn’t you want to throw yourself off a bridge after a year of being embedded in five couples’ marital misery? Would you ever be able to have happy thoughts about the institution of marriage again?

Turns out we were wrong on all three fronts. First of all, this book reads like a novel. (Though we do recommend making a bookmark for yourself and writing down each couple’s names and major attributes to help you keep track [or just print this out]; at times it feels like a Russian novel with so many protagonists and side plots.) At one point Abraham notes that another book — portraits of couples in the Victoria era — broadens the repertoire of “plots” for couples, adding to the number of models for long-lasting relationships. Abraham’s experience of couples therapy — and, by extension, her book about it — offers the same solace. And “plot” is an apt word — you’ll find yourself racing through the final chapters to find out how each couple turned out. No plot spoilers here (who knew that a book on marital therapy could even be subject to those?); we will just say that there’s more than one way to a happy ending.

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