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Top 10 Celebrity Sex Toy Endorsements

April 1, 2013

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You know how major celebrities like Brad Pitt and George Clooney stoop to appear in advertisements overseas — especially in Asia — on the promise that the ads never show in the U.S.? They shill for everything from cars to booze in ads that look impossibly fake because we are shielded from them.

Well, it turns out that the latest trend in secret international endorsement campaigns is sex toys!* Yes, some seriously A-list types have signed up to promote sex toys… but only overseas. In fact, many of the below campaigns appear only on foreign radio — in various foreign languages other than English — so there are no incriminating images to get forwarded around the Internet. The print and TV ads usually come with seriously restrictive “secrecy clauses” and huge potential damages rewards if the content makes it online.

Here are ten of our favorite super-secret celeb-sex toy couplings:

  1. Justin Bieber and the B-Bomb Vibrating Silicone Butt Plug in South Korea.
  2. Angelina Jolie and the Luna Beads Noir (post-birth kegel exercising with a Fifty Shades twist!) in China.
  3. Seth Rogen and the Heavenly Heart Vibrating Cock Ring in Lithuania.
  4. Katy Perry and the Sweet Cakes Cupcake Vibrator in Japan.
  5. Ben Affleck and the Happy Rabbit Vibrator in Estonia.
  6. Taylor Swift and the Rechargeable Lipstick Vibrator in Japan.
  7. Jennifer Lawrence and the Couture Strap-On Harness in the Czech Republic.
  8. Lindsay Lohan and the Under the Bed Restraint System in Turkey.
  9. Ashton Kutcher and the Bound to Please Nipple Clamps in Venezuela.
  10. Miley Cyrus and Liquid Silk Lube in Turkey.

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*Disclaimer: Yes, it’s April 1st. Happy April Fool’s!

 

 

 



Top 10 Lessons Learned from The Bachelor, Season 17, “The Return of Sean’s Abs”

March 12, 2013

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  1. Never be a narc. It won’t get you laid or married. Ever. (We’re talking to you, Kacie.)
  2. If you want your music career to go nowhere, get booked on The Bachelor (even more effective if the couple you’re supposed to perform for breaks up before you strum your first note).
  3. If you’re going to an amusement park for a date, wear sensible shoes and an outfit with a sensible hemline, ESPECIALLY if your date is basically wearing gym shorts.
  4. “Accidentally” pooping your pants might actually be an effective way to garner sympathy and attention from a man (or at least Sean). For example, after the faux stairway spill and the fabricated baby breakdown in the club hallway, we were surprised this wasn’t one of Tierra’s later tactics. Future¬†Bachelor¬†contestants take note.
  5. The volleyball competition will now become the obligatory group date for every future season of The Bachelor. (Let us pray the same can be said for every future season of The Bachelorette.)
  6. Missing an appendage does not automatically make you an interesting person. (On that note, another tangential lesson learned:¬†Just because you don’t have an elbow doesn’t mean you can get out of wearing elbow pads at the roller derby.)
  7. If you ever want to be truly, deeply loved, never talk about your inner “sparkle” to anyone. In fact, it’s probably best if you forget about your sparkle all together.
  8. Eating bugs is a great way to show a guy you like that you will put ANYTHING in your mouth.
  9. Don’t judge a book by its cover.* Who would have guessed that Sean’s last girlfriend was black, or that he, the life-long Texan and conservative born-again virgin, would end up picking the feisty part-Filipino tattooed vegan from Seattle? (*Of course, this lesson does not apply to situations in which the “book” in question is a contestant ¬†on¬†The Bachelor¬†or¬†The Bachelorette. In those cases, judge away!)
  10. Bachelors who chose temporary abstinence are bad for the ABC show’s brand. This season treated Sean’s recent choice of celibacy like a secret teddy bear collection, acting like it didn’t exist, instead giving lots of sexy airtime to Sean’s special relationship with his bar of soap in the shower. And while we’re all for a little equal opportunity objectification (you know, just to help balance the scales a bit), we also would have liked a little more attention paid to the fact that a grown man with amazing abs and a gleaming smile actively decided to forgo casual sex. But oh no, that would waterdown The Bachelor mythology that all men have to have sex, that intercourse always happens in the fantasy suites, and that the power of the show alone miraculously turns these guys into faithful fiances overnight. We’re not saying abstinence is a choice everyone should make, or that some God should be dictating what you do or don’t do with your genitals, but being thoughtful and deliberate about your sex life, especially if you’re a straight guy in this society, is a nice change of pace from what’s usually presented on television when it comes to sexuality. Too bad ABC didn’t embrace it. Then again, this is The Bachelor we’re talking about — our expectations should be about as low as a pole at a Trinidadian limbo competition.

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Top 10 Breakup Songs Taylor Swift SHOULD Write

January 25, 2013

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 photo via WikiCommons

Taylor Swift cannot write a bad pop song. She apparently can’t write a song about anything other than breakups, either. While we are shameless Swifties, we’d definitely like to see her branch out more — if not to different subject matter, then at least to some more honest, less PG-13 tales of heartbreak. Here are some examples of the kind of breakup songs we’d love to see on her next platinum album:

  1. “Should Have Said the Safeword”
  2. “I May Miss You But My Cervix Won’t (Jackhammer)”
  3. “Pee on Me? Shame on You”
  4. “GGG, OMG”
  5. “You’re Vanilla, I’m Kinky, I Love You, Farewell”
  6. “Don’t Leave Me Breathless (The Erotic Asphyxiation Song)”
  7. “My Ears Are Not a Steering Wheel”
  8. “I Didn’t Wet the Bed, Der (Get Some Sex Ed, Sir)”
  9. “Faked It Every Time”
  10. “Size Doesn’t Matter (But That Don’t Mean I Won’t Sing About It)”

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Top 15 Kinky Celebrities

December 19, 2012

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Of course celebrities like to get kinky — why would they do it vanilla style when they can don an outfit, get into character, and make a scene? And in the bedroom, there’s always an appreciative audience, (and, one would hope, no bad reviews). When you think about it, it’s just surprising more of them aren’t outed as kinky f-ers. Here are our 15 favorite kinky celebs.

1. Rihanna

This is a woman who is completely comfortable talking about sex — when naked cellphone images of her were leaked online, she said she felt bad for any guy whose girlfriend didn’t send him nude pics. And she once said, “I think I‚Äôm a bit masochistic … I love to be tied up and spanked. I like to be whipped … But I prefer to be spontaneous. Using whips and chains is too planned ‚Ķ¬†you have to stop and look for the whip. I prefer them to use their hands.” Which we might believe — after all, we rave about the ease of spanking in our book,¬†150 Shades of Play: A Beginner’s Guide to Kink¬† — if she hadn’t been spotted exiting a Canadian sex toy shop with $1,000 worth of booty, including a riding crop… Own it, Rihanna!

2. Eva Longoria

“I‚Äôm not averse to being tied up with silk scarves,” Eva Longoria once said. “I like a man to take charge. There‚Äôs something very sexy¬†about being submissive.” (By the way, not to sound like party poopers, but silk scarves can tighten easily, cutting off circulation. Just as sexy — and way safer — are made-for-play silk cuffs like Lelo’s Boa Pleasure Ties.)

3. Nick Lachey

We have no idea how Nick gets down with his current wife, Vanessa Minnillo, but back when he was married to Jessica Simpson he got turned on wearing her shoes. “It was sort of a kinky thing we liked to get into,” he said. He’s also a huge fan of dirty talk. “I haven‚Äôt even realized my full dirty talk potential,” he said. “I think there‚Äôs some greater moments out there for me.” We like a man with a dream.

4. Carmen Electra

“A little pleasure, a little pain. It’s all about fun,” Carmen Electra said. “I love¬†going to different sex shops… and collecting the coolest handcuffs and naughtiest lingerie. That’s exciting for me.” She also hinted that she has discovered a kinky use for wire coat hangers. Hey, we’re all for D.I.Y. kinky sex toys — there’s a whole entry on them in our book, 150 Shades of Play: A Beginner’s Guide to Kink — but wire coat hangers? The association with back-alley abortions isn’t the sexiest (or safest) thing we can think of!

5. Ricky Martin

When a journalist asked Ricky Martin to describe the last porn movie he’d watched, he said, “Uh, do you really want me to go there? [Yes.] Uh, okay, golden showers. I love giving the golden shower. I‚Äôve done it before in the shower. It‚Äôs like so sexy, you know, the temperature¬†of your body and the shower water is very different.” Hey, as long as it’s safe, sane, and consensual, no judgements, people! You can read more about kinks like this¬†in our new book,¬†150 Shades of Play: A Beginner’s Guide to Kink.

6. Angelina Jolie

For a while there, Angelina Jolie was practically a spokesmodel for kinky sex — she even went so far as to say that S&M had changed her spiritually. And she was open about dabbling in knife and blood play during sex. (Both of which we consider serious edge play, a.k.a. too dangerous for you, sunshine! You can read more on both in¬†150 Shades of Play: A Beginner’s Guide to Kink.) Sadly for the kink community, she said,¬†”Since I’ve been¬†with Brad, there’s no longer a place for … ¬†S&M in my life.” There goes our Mr. and Mrs. Smith pegging fantasy.

7. John Mayer

He famously described ex Jessica Simpson as sexual napalm, but John Mayer seems to be the one bringing all the kink to the table: He apparently enjoys feathers, ice cubes, whipped cream, anal play, and water sports (if you believe everything Perez Hilton says!).

8. Margaret Cho

She might not be the biggest celebrity on this list, but she’s probably the most experienced when it comes to kink — or, at least, the one who’s most open about it. She called vibrators “fantastic inventions,” she’s so-so about group sex, she enjoys sex parties (but mostly for the buffet), and she’s a full-on kinkster who identifies as a bottom. Describing her song “Bottom to Top,” she said, “I thought I was changing. So I wrote this song about the experience of changing¬†from a bottom into a¬†top. I think it‚Äôs a beautiful song. There‚Äôs never been a song written about that particular experience. I want to write love¬†songs like that, songs that fill in the gaps. But they need to be funny too.¬†Except, I don‚Äôt think I actually am a top. That‚Äôs the heartbreak. I think I‚Äôm still a bottom.” And in a line that should have been featured in our book, 150 Shades of Play¬†(damn it! we wish we’d found this earlier), she said, “I think kinky sex is normal. I think of BDSM as being just like anything else that you would do. It‚Äôs normal, it‚Äôs sex, it‚Äôs just your¬†own form of it.” Sing it, sister!

9. Shia Labeouf

Just to prove that it’s not only actresses who like to be dominated: Shia Labeouf apparently likes to have his hair pulled during sex.

10. Christina Aguilera

It should come as no surprise to learn that Christina Aguilera is into role-playing! She’s also said that she loves dressing up for sex and has different costumes, depending on her mood. It should also come as no surprise to learn that Katy Perry shares the same kink. (“Spice up things in the bedroom by pretending to be French,” Russell Brand offered as a sex tip, back when he was married to Katy Perry.)

11. Tommy Lee

He’s an out-and-proud foot fetishist. He explained his interest by saying,¬†”My mother was Miss¬†Greece in 1957. She’s gorgeous and she’s got beautiful toes. That’s one of the reasons I have a foot fetish today. When I was a kid I’d massage her feet.” Hey, the man knows from psychological imprinting! Fellow celebrity foot fetishists include Dita Von Teese (specifically, she enjoys having her feet worshipped) and Jack Black, who once told Playboy magazine, “They have to be clean. I‚Äôm not into, like, funky odors, but I do have¬†a bit of a foot fetish, yes. I find myself staring at feet. I like a heel. If she‚Äôs wearing clogs, that does something for me. Flip-flops. Sandals. Bare feet are the best.”

12. Nicole Kidman

We’d have to say that Nicole Kidman’s number one kink is teasing: She told GQ magazine, “I‚Äôve explored strange sexual fetish stuff, I‚Äôve explored the mundane aspect of marriage, and monogamy.” And she described her¬†marriage to¬†Keith Urban¬†as “raw” and “dangerous.” Way to leave everyone hanging!

13. Charlie Sheen

What hasn’t he tried? If the porn stars he sleeps with are to be believed, he’s into¬†spanking, role play, and “really kinky stuff.” Winner, winner, kink for dinner!

14. Britney Spears

According to Star magazine (ha), her home contains a “fantasy room” featuring ticklers, whips, handcuffs, paddles, mirrored ceilings, and an entire rack of sexy costumes. Or maybe that’s just what all the dirty old men would like to think. We actually like the idea of Britney reigning supreme in her own Red Room of Pain — it makes us feel better about the head-shaving nervous breakdown. Drew Carey and Penn Jillette are also rumored to have their own outfitted dungeons, but, understandably, people are less like to gossip about theirs.

15. Lady Gaga

One thing’s for sure: She’s not afraid of appearing kinky. After all, she has performed in public wearing a see-through nun costume, complete with crosses over the nipples and a micro-mini skirt. And she¬†was once interviewed peeing through her fishnet stockings at Berlin‚Äôs sex club the KitKat Club. Plus, she said she likes to leave her false eyelashes on her lovers’ pillows as a sort of kinky keepsake. Rumor has it she likes to dress up for sex, too — even occasionally donning a pair of fangs and encouraging her partner to bite her (you can read more about vampire sex in, yes, our book 150 Shades of Play). Whether or not the rumors are true, something tells us Lady Gaga doesn’t mind them.

150 Shades of Play: A Beginner’s Guide to Kink¬†¬†is on sale now!



Top 10 Women Under 40 Who Push Back

December 5, 2012

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This article originally appeared on SundanceChannel.com

Inspired by the Sundance Channel’s docu-series PUSH GIRLS, about¬†four outspoken young women in wheelchairs — AMC Networks just announced that they’ve started filming a second season — we decided to write about ten women under 40 who push back in their own way.¬†To help us narrow down the list (and not totally lose our minds), we kept the list contemporary, which is why you won’t find Joan of Arc, Anne Frank, or Rosa Parks below. Even still, it was near impossible to choose just ten young women who embody empowerment. Who else should have been on this list? Let us know in the comments section below!

10. Esraa Abdel Fattah (33)
Most Americans can’t remember her name, let alone how to spell it, but as “Facebook Girl,”¬†Esraa Abdel Fattah will go down in history. She is the online activist and blogger who helped organize and then live-blogged the 2011 protest in Tahrir Square in Egypt — a revolt which toppled the regime of Hosni Mubarak. Abdel Fattah got her nickname back in 2008, when she started a Facebook group to support a textile workers’ strike and was subsequently jailed for two weeks. Her next step? She runs a non-profit which trains women to become political leaders, and she wants to run for parliament herself. So…what have¬†you¬†done with your Facebook account lately?

9. Beth Ditto (31)
Beth Ditto doesn’t give a shit about how record labels think female rock stars should look and act. She’s best known for singing with the indie rock band Gossip (their hit, “Standing in the Way of Control,” lambasted Republican opposition to same-sex marriage) — and also for refusing to wear deodorant, shave her legs, or starve herself into oblivion. The self-professed “fat dyke from Arkansas”¬†is this generation’s riot grrl, and whether she’s dishing body image advice in a column for the¬†Guardian¬†newspaper or posing naked on the cover of¬†N.M.E.¬†magazine, she’s helping us all collectively recover from the car wreck that is Britney Spears.

8. Caster Semenya (21)
This South African runner won a gold medal in the women’s 800 meters at the 2009 World Championships, in the midst of a global controversy about her “gender verification tests.” After she won, she was¬†subjected to an even more brutal trial-by-press; she was only 18 at the time. But her trial was our gain, as her struggle to be allowed to compete inspired a global discussion on gender, race, and feminism. Semenya — who says she’s been a tomboy her entire life — has since been cleared to compete and won silver medals at both the 2011 World Championships and the 2012 Summer Olympics, both in the 800 meters.

7. Kathryn Gray (11)
In 2011, a ten-year-old Canadian girl named Kathryn Gray became the youngest person in history to discover a supernova. A supernova is the explosion and death of stars millions of light years away (we didn’t know that — we had to Google it); Gray spotted this one by looking through her telescope and comparing the night sky to some images her father had taken earlier. Now that’s a show-and-tell project!

6. Maya Nussbaum (34)
Fourteen years ago, not long after she graduated college, Nussbaum founded a group called Girls Write Now; it has since grown into a massive volunteer-supported organization whose mission is¬†”to provide guidance, support, and opportunities for at-risk and underserved girls¬†from¬†New York City‚Äôs public high schools to develop their creative, independent voices,¬†explore careers in professional writing, and learn how to make healthy school, career¬†and life choices.” It was the first organization in the U.S. — and is still the only one on the East coast — to combine mentoring and writing instruction in an all-girl program.

5. Chelsea Clinton (32)
Those early teen years are rough on any girl with bad skin and a mediocre hair cut. But try living out those years in the White House, where your hairstyle is a national joke (not to mention your father’s extra-curriculars). Clinton rose above it all without seeming to act out once, and pretty much stayed out of the public eye until 2007, when she joined her mom’s campaign for president. She is now a correspondent for NBC news, while also getting a doctoral degree at the University of Oxford.

4. Venus Williams (31)
Williams was never subjected to gender testing like Caster Semenya, but she has suffered years of mean-girl talk about her “manly” looks and playing style. When Em was at Wimbledon a few years back to watch her play Maria Sharapova, the crowd erupted in wolf-whistles when Sharapova took off her jacket — and when Williams followed suit, one guy threw out a polite “Yeah!” Embarrassed British laughter rippled through the crowd. But Williams gets the last laugh: her 127 mph serve took women’s tennis to a new level — putting the power in empowerment — and in 2002 she became the first black woman player in the open era to become number one in the world.

3. Sandra Fluke (30)
We hesitated to include Fluke in this list — we feel a little bad that this Georgetown Law student will always be remembered as the woman Rush Limbaugh called a “slut.” But Fluke was not cowed by his attacks — in fact, she was ardent and articulate in her responses. After Limbaugh apologized (or, rather, “apologized”), Fluke went on¬†The View¬†to say, “I¬†think any woman who has ever been called these types of names is [shocked] at first. But then I tried to see this for what it is, and I believe that what it is, is an attempt to silence me, to silence the millions of women and the men who support them who have been speaking out about this issue and conveying that contraception is an¬†important healthcare need that they need to have met in an affordable, accessible way.”

2. Jessica Valenti (33)
Eight years ago, Valenti — then 25 — founded the blog¬†Feministing.com¬†to provide a platform for younger feminists. Her online activism inspired a new generation of feminists and kicked off an entire community of like-minded blogs; the Guardian newspaper said that she “dragged feminism into the 21st century.” Along the way — while she was spear-heading discussions on everything from gender identity to sexual assault — she was put through the ringer: she received rape and death threats and was the subject of a spiteful debate in the blogosphere about the size of her boobs.¬†She is the author of three books,¬†Full Frontal Feminism: A Young Woman‚Äôs Guide to Why¬†Feminism Matters;¬†He‚Äôs a Stud, She‚Äôs a Slut‚Ķand 49 Other Double Standards Every Woman Should Know; and¬†The Purity Myth: How America‚Äôs Obsession with Virginity Is Hurting¬†Young Women, which has been made into a documentary. Not a bad platform.

1. Rachel Maddow (39)
How is it possible that Maddow is not even forty yet?! We feel like serious under-achievers. Maddow is the only¬†openly gay American to host a primetime news show — and it’s a kick-ass liberal politics show, naturally.¬†She keeps her hair Flowbee short and wears as little makeup as the producers will let her get away with. This in an industry that basically requires every female personality to don 6-inch heels, blonde highlights and globs of glossy lipstick just to tell us what’s going on in Afghanistan. She doesn’t care what you think about how she looks, she never dumbs it down, and she’s always happy to dork out — in other words, she’s completely herself on air, which is a huge accomplishment, a huge push back against an industry not known for authenticity. We have a mad crush on Maddow: see also¬†here, and here, and here.

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10 Reasons Why the First Marriage Still Rocks Our World

October 18, 2012

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photo via flickr

Three years ago, inspired by an article in the New York Times Magazine, we wrote a post about how we found the First Marriage both inspiring¬†and a little chastening ‚ÄĒ let‚Äôs see you be President or First Lady and still rock hot monogamy like that. The marriage is also a little terrifying ‚ÄĒ how would we ever recover from an Obama divorce? We‚Äôd lose faith in the very institution of marriage! Three years on, despite being occasionally a little disappointed in Obama, we continue to be wowed by the First Marriage. Here’s a reminder of why. Please, Mr. and Mrs. Obama, hang in there, for us.

1. They don‚Äôt think it‚Äôs dorky to arrange date nights. (Since when did it become uncool to use the term ‚Äúdate night,‚ÄĚ anyway? We‚Äôre standing by it proudly.) Speaking of date nights, he once upgraded dinner-and-a-movie to dinner-and-a-Broadway-show, which would be torture for most straight guys we know. And yes, we know that he had to skip their wedding anniversary for a Presidential Debate, but that’s not exactly deadbeat husband material (see #10 below) — and we’d bet on the fact that he rocked it the next night.

2. When they dance they still look as in love as if it were the first dance at their wedding ‚ÄĒ except that it‚Äôs newly-wed bliss mixed with the kind of wise, knowing, deep love that you get ‚ÄĒ if you‚Äôre truly lucky ‚ÄĒ after seventeen years of marriage and two kids.

3. Which is not to say that they’re above a little buddy-buddy fist-bumping.

4. They work out together and took up tennis together after moving into the White House. ‚ÄúHe wins,‚ÄĚ she said. ‚ÄúFor now,‚ÄĚ he added. Which we‚Äôre convinced improves their sex life. Whatever it is, you can tell they‚Äôre still hot for each other.

5. Also, they play Scrabble together.

6. During the the Group of 20 Summit in Pittsburgh, according to the Times article, ‚Äúas they waited to greet a long, slow procession of foreign dignitaries and their spouses …¬†the first lady whispered in her husband‚Äôs ear about things ‚Äėthat I probably shouldn‚Äôt repeat,‚Äô he said.‚ÄĚ Oh man, we so badly want to believe that was dirty talk! You know what? We‚Äôre just going to pretend it was.

7. They’re not afraid of a little PDA. Apparently friends visiting the White House will often turn a corner to find them mid-embrace. And they’re always kissing, touching, and flirting and public. Fortunately, theirs is not the kind of PDA that gives you the awkward heebie-jeebies (yes, we’re talking to you, the former Mr. & Mrs Gore).

8. They don‚Äôt try to act like their marriage is perfect ‚ÄĒ they openly admit to going through really tough times. The image of a flawless relationship is ‚Äúthe last thing that we want to project,‚ÄĚ the first lady says. ‚ÄúIt‚Äôs unfair to the institution of marriage, and it‚Äôs unfair for young people who are trying to build something, to project this perfection that doesn‚Äôt exist.‚ÄĚ Someone give this woman an advice column!

9. They fell in love not just because they’re both smart and funny and ridiculously good-looking but because they get equally worked up about social injustice.

10.¬†Finally, they understand that equality in a relationship doesn‚Äôt have to be calibrated on a second-by-second basis when you‚Äôre in it for the long haul together ‚ÄĒ equality might be measured over a period of years or even decades. Meaning, he may be President of the U.S.A. right now (there’s that Presidential Debate on their anniversary again!) but that title is neither permanent nor applicable at the breakfast table (or, we have a feeling, in the bedroom). Swoon.

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This post originally appeared on SundanceChannel.com



Olivia Wilde’s Vaginalogue

October 11, 2012

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photo via flickr

Olivia Wilde is one of those actresses we are completely familiar with (thanks Us Weekly!) without having a clue about her career. We’re assuming she plays exotic queens in far off lands from long, long ago whose beauty knights kill for? And apparently she was in some TV show? Suffice it to say, she’s no Meryl Streep‚ÄĒor Lena Dunham, for that matter. So we were surprised to hear that she dished some seriously deep thoughts about her vagina in a recent appearance. The event was “These Girls,” a night of monologues hosted by¬†Glamour¬†magazine at Joe‚Äôs Pub in New York City earlier this week. She told the audience (which¬†included her current boyfriend, SNL’s Jason Sudeikis) that when her previous marriage ended, “I felt like my vagina died. Turned off. Lights out. … And you can lie to your relatives at Christmas dinner and tell them everything on the home front is just peachy. But you cannot lie to your vagina.”

In an interview with NY mag’s Vulture after the show, she elaborated, explaining that you need to listen to your vagina if you want to know if a relationship is right: “Sometimes your vagina dies. Then you know it‚Äôs time to go. There‚Äôs no reason to sacrifice your womanhood and femininity for some sort of weird feeling of responsibility to something that may not be right. I feel like far too many women do that. … [Men] are not allowed to be the only ones thinking with their genitals. We think with our pussies.”

She’s currently listening to her vagina and it’s telling her that she’s very happy with beau Jason Sudeikis:. “We¬†have sex like Kenyan marathon runners,” she said. Buckets of sweat and zero body fat sounds kind of gross and unappealing, but we get where she was going with that.

So we’ve got to give mad props to Wilde for publicly promoting the idea that women want and need good sex, for admitting that we women do in fact all have vaginas, and for using the term unreservedly (yes, “vagina” is not a four-letter word, many thanks¬†for not referring to it as a “va-jay-jay”).¬†And we totally support the idea of getting out of a bad marriage if you are not happy or satisfied.

On the other hand, we do have to wonder if Wilde might just have been suffering the usual ebb of lust that naturally occurs in all long-term relationships. It’s easy to have marathon sex with someone you’ve been dating less than a year; much harder to sustain that with someone you’ve been married to for almost eight years — especially someone you married at the age of 19 before you had a chance to sow your wild oats (or should we say “Wilde” oats?), before your acting career totally took off and sent you to the epicenter of Hollywood glamour and celebrity. No wonder your vagina died in that youthful indiscretion of a marriage!

Now, we are not saying that all marriages have to last a life time — if you prefer serial marriages to simple serial monogamy, fine. If you try it once and realize it’s not for you, cool. But for any traditionalists out there, who believe in making a real go of the whole “til death do us part” thing, we would say the above justifies our long-standing advice:

  • Don’t get married young.
  • Play the field before you get married, safely and respectfully.
  • Don’t get married quickly, before you have a chance to figure out if you’re not only compatible sexually, but compatible after some of that new sexual passion fades.

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Top 10 Pop-Culture Gender-Benders

October 5, 2012

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We’re not going to focus on the negative portrayals of transsexuality, like in PSYCHO and SILENCE OF THE¬†LAMBS and last year’s thankfully cancelled WORK IT television sitcom. And we’re not focusing on the history of¬†transitioning stories that takes us all the way back to the 1930s when an intersexed, Bohemia-born¬†Zdenka Koubkova¬†went from female running/jumping¬†champion¬†to male cabaret performer. Nor are we going to look at transgender¬†issues in the news, like when the Girls Scouts of Colorado let their first transgender girl into the organization last year or when, two years ago, a¬†federal court ruled in favor of a woman who was fired from her job after coming out as trangender. Nope. We’re simply looking at the top ten positively positive, purely¬†pop-culture gender-bending movies,¬†moments¬†and movers & shakers of the past few decades:

10. “Lola” by the Kinks
Considered one of “the greatest 500 songs of all time” by Rolling Stone magazine, 1970′s¬†”Lola” dealt with a straight man falling for a transgendered woman without jokes or judgment: “Girls will be boys and¬†boys will be girls / It’s a mixed-up, muddled-up, shook-up world except for Lola / Lo-lo-lo-lo-Lola.”

9. RuPaul 
Perhaps it was RuPaul’s loveableness that made 1990s America embrace him with both arms. There’s¬†a seamlessness, a naturalness to his drag-queenness that has kept him in the pop culture limelight for twenty-years, with five albums, two hosted TV shows, countless movie and TV appearances, and even a MAC modeling¬†contract under his bedazzled belt.

And he didn’t care if you referred to him as¬†he¬†or¬†she.¬†As he wrote in his autobiography:¬†”You can call me¬†he. You can call me she. You can call me Regis and Kathie Lee;¬†I don’t care! Just as long as you call¬†me.”

Runner-up: Amanda Lepore.

8. The movie “Boys Don’t Cry”
There are a ton of decent movies which involve issues of transsexuality — probably a lot more than you think, but¬†frankly still not enough. Many of them involve men in drag and focus on the straight characters’ points of view, which¬†unfortunately keeps the transgendered person squarely in the detached and alienated category of “other.”One of the most successful, almost mainstream movies to really get inside the head (and body) of its transgendered¬†character was 1999′s BOYS DON’T CRY, based on the real life of Brandon Teena, an intersexed teen who¬†identified and lived as a man until he was beaten, raped and killed by male acquaintances after they learned of Teena’s¬†female¬†anatomy. The film got critical acclaim,¬†won 43 awards (including Oscar’s Best Actress for Hilary Swank’s portrayal of¬†Teena), and was nominated for 27 others (including Oscar’s Best Supporting Actress for Choe Sevigny’s portrayal¬†of Teena’s girlfriend).

By telling a heartfelt star-crossed love story that people related to on a human level, it made a convincing case for¬†wider acceptance and tolerance of sexual diversity — in an intimate way no film had before.

Runner-up: The Crying Game (stay tuned for our Top 10 list of Transgender Films)

7. Ellen DeGeneres 
It’s not just that she’s a successful lesbian celebrity. It’s that she’s America’s sweetheart¬†and she runs a media empire that almost rivals Oprah and she’s legally married to a typically¬†femininely gorgeous Hollywood actress and she dresses in androgynous clothing with extremely sensible¬†shoes (this last point being the most significant and impressive).

6. Buck Angel 
You know a cultural issue has become accepted and mainstream (or at least is on its way to¬†becoming accepted and mainstream) when it gets its own successful porn star. Buck Angel, a.k.a. “The Man with¬†the Pussy,” is a transsexual adult film producer and performer, the only FTM one who’s ever won AVN’s¬†Transsexual Performer of the Year Award.

5. Gender-bending super models 
Maybe it was inevitable that the fashion industry would be a safe haven for¬†gender-benders, since 90-pound female models are inescapably androgynous (look ma, no boobs!) Recent and¬†notable models include the androgynous Andrej Pejic, the transexual Lea T, and the lesbian Jenny Shimizu (who’s¬†had relationships with Madonna, Angelina Jolie, and Ione Skye) — all of whom appeared in the fabulous gender-bending promo for last year’s “Fashion Forward” fundraiser for the Gay Men’s Health Crisis. ¬†As RuPaul would say,¬†they workit.

Read items 4 through 1 on The Sundance Channel



Top 10 American Sex Scandals

August 14, 2012

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Sex scandals are as American as (sticking your wiener in an) apple pie. (Or should we say your Anthony Weiner?) The really unforgettable scandals leave us with a particular phrase or image burned into our brains. We could be a hundred years old and senile and we will still be able to recall Lorena Bobbitt tossing her husband’s penis out the car window; Clarence Thomas asking Anita Hill about a pubic hair on a coke can; and an astronaut driving hundreds of miles in a diaper to confront the lover who spurned her. Here are our nominations for the top ten sex scandals in this nation’s history, organized by the categories in which these events most often seem to occur. God bless (or should we say God save) America!

10. SPORTS: The Yankee Swap

In 1973, two star Yankee players, Fritz Peterson and Mike Kekich, held a press conference during spring training to announce they were swapping lives. It started as a joke during a double-date with their wives (hey, it was the seventies) and suddenly they were agreeing to a full-on wife-swap. Initially they just knocked boots for an evening… but eventually they decide to swap permanently — including kids, pets, the lot. Mike didn’t last long with Fritz’s former wife, but Fritz and Mike’s wife are still married today with four children of their own. Guess that Yankee doodle diddling was dandy.

Sports runners-up: Duke Lacrosse; Jerry Sandusky (we feel queasy just typing his name); and Tiger Woods (enduring image: a reporter from the National Enquirer secretly stealing the bloody tampon that one of Tiger’s mistresses removed and tossed in a parking lot in order to have a quickie with the golf legend).

9. STATE POLITICS

(a) The (Hypocritical) Democrat Edition: Eliot Spitzer
This New York governor was trapped by the very measures he put in place to crack down on corruption! Oh Client 9, is their no limit to your hubris? We’re extra pissed at Spitzer because we always thought he’d make a pretty fine U.S. president one day. Then again, second acts seem to be increasingly common in this country…

Runner-up: Anthony Weiner’s wiener. Tweeted.

(b) The (Hypocritical) Republican Edition: Larry Craig
Three words for you: wide-legged stance. And therein lies the most ridiculous defense of sexual behavior in the entire history of this nation, so far as we are concerned. The Idaho senator with a record of anti-gay legislation was charged with trolling for gay sex in an airport men’s room. It must be tough being gay when you’re a homophobe.

8. COULDA-BEEN-A-CONTENDER POLITICS: John Edwards

We’re not sure which cost North Carolina Senator John Edwards more potential presidential votes: the fact that he impregnated his mistress (and then used campaign funds to try to hush the matter up and also had a campaign aide falsely claim to the be father) while his wife was suffering from breast cancer — or the fact that he regularly spent $500 on his haircuts.

Runners-up: Gary “Monkey Business” Hart and Jerry Springer. (Did you know that back in the seventies, before he conquered daytime television, Springer had a bright and shining career in politics? He had to resign from his Cinncinati city council seat after getting busted for writing a personal check to a prostitute. A personal check, dude — seriously?)

7. HOLLYWOOD: Heidi Fleiss, Hollywood Madam

By 27, Heidi Fleiss was running an infamous prostitution ring in Hollwood with a seriously A-list group of clients. She made millions a year until she was busted and sentenced to seven years in prison (though she only served two months in prison, then three years in a halfway house). But she never named names — saying, “That’s not my style” — and to this day, so far as we know, the only celebrity confirmed in her little black book is Charlie Sheen (and we’re pretty sure he announced that himself).

Runners-up: Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian’s sex tapes; also, Ingrid Bergman, who may not have been born in the U.S., but was called “an instrument of evil” on the floor of the U.S. senate after cheating on her husband with (and getting pregnant by) director Roberto Rossellini in 1950.

6. RELIGION: Jimmy Swaggart Calls the Kettle Black

Back in 1986, TV evangelist Jimmy Swaggart used his screen time to attack fellow televangelists, Marvin Gorman and Jim Bakker, for having affairs. Gorman then hired a private investigator (oh, those forgiving evangelists!) to uncover Swaggart’s own dalliances with a prostitute.

Swaggart teared up on TV, saying, “I have sinned against you, my Lord, and I would ask that your precious blood would wash and cleanse every stain until it is in the seas of God’s forgiveness.” Three years later, he was busted with another prostitute. We hope those seas of God’s forgiveness run real deep.

Runners-up: Ted Haggard (preached against gay marriage to millions while paying for gay sex and crystal meth); also the Catholic Church’s cover-up of child rape by priests (which would be more than a runner-up except for the fact that the U.S. doesn’t have a monopoly on this sex scandal).

Read the next five entries at SUNfiltered



The Secret Sex Life of Tennis

July 9, 2012

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Okay, so maybe it’s not the first sport you think of when you think of sex appeal. But look a little closer and you’d be surprised to see how much sex there is in tennis. (Though will someone please tell Nadal that biting trophies doesn’t make anyone think of sex, and actually just makes us all a little bit uncomfortable.)

  • Roger Federer’s Cardigan: The world champion basically gave the cardigan¬†its sex appeal back — which had been missing ever since Mr. Rogers first donned a cardigan. We happen to think this is a good thing.
  • Mixed Doubles: Hello, best euphemism ever for swinging! Also, we can’t think of a better way to segue into a little casual spouse-swapping with the neighbors. It’s sweaty foreplay.
  • The Grunters: If you close your eyes during a match amongst players like ¬†Serena and Venus Williams, Maria Sharapova, or Rafael Nadal, you could swear you were watching a porno. We’re pretty sure that at least one person out there on the Internet gets off on doing this.
  • The Housewife’s Tennis Coach: The tan young tennis coach clad in all-white is eternally appealing to rich housewives the world over, if you believe the hundreds of novels, movies, and TV shows that have used this cliche as a plot device.
  • Love Means Nothing: In a game where “love” literally means nothing… then sex has to mean everything, right?
  • Justin Timberlake’s Booty Call Metaphor: “[Sex is] a physical act, like playing tennis” Justin Timberlake said in FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS (2011). “Two people should be able to have sex like they’re playing tennis.” Mila Kunis responds, “Yeah! I mean, no one wants to go away for the weekend after they play tennis.” Justin: “It’s just a game. You shake hands, you get on with your shit.” From this point on in the movie, “Wanna play tennis?” is their code for a booty call.
  • Ball Boys and Ball Girls: It just sounds dirty, okay? And that’s as far as we’re willing to go, given that most of them are underage.
  • Boris Becker in the Broom Closet: Who could forget how the German champion impregnated a waitress during a quickie in a broom closet in a London restaurant? (Though we’d like to forget that this happened while his pregnant wife was in the hospital with early contractions.)

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