A recent article in Salon about trends in porn names (disturbingly, there is apparently a “direct correlation between trendy baby names and porn stars‚Äô names”) got us thinking about celebrities whose names are perfectly designed for a post-career-slump porno. Here are our top 10 favorite male and female celebrities with porn names:
Tiffani-Amber Thiessen (she even spells Tiffani with an i!)
Tiffani Thiessen (sorry, Tiff, but your new “grownup” moniker is barely less porny than the original)
Demi Moore (the “classy” porn star name)
Evangeline Lilly (the “sophisticated” porn star name)
When the Oscars primarily entail being lectured by a bunch of narcissistic celebrities about how awesome and important their jobs are, when the highlight is Sacha Baron Cohen spilling the Bisquick ashes of Kim Jong Il all over “Bryan” Seacrest’s $1000 suit on the red carpet, and when the most scandalous moment of the night revolves around determining whether J. Lo is accidentally (or purposely?) showing areola or not, then you know you’ve got to make things a little more interesting. Here’s how: imagine what movies would have won if the Academy wasn’t so afraid of sex:
Best Supporting Actress: Melissa McCarthy –¬†for her portrayal of¬†unbridled, uninhibited, unapologetic sexuality outside the strict boundaries of “ideal” femininity.
Best Documentary: PINA –¬†for their shirtless, muscular, sweaty dancing, aw yeah.
Best Animation:¬†CHICO & RICO –¬†When there’s kissing in the sample footage, there’s little doubt which is the sexiest animated film.
Best Supporting Actor: Christopher Plummer –¬†They actually got it right.
Best Original Score: TINKER TAILOR SOLDIER SPY –¬†It’s the only soundtrack you’d want to do it to. Okay, you wouldn’t actually want to do it to it. But it’s the only one that captures the drama of sex. Sort of.
In honor of awards season, we¬†have determined our own winners (and losers) when it comes to love, romance, sex and sexism in the movies of 2011. (Beware: there are some spoilers in the categories below.)
We both enjoy playing Texas Hold ‘Em, but of the two of us, I (Lo) enjoy it a little too much. So much so that when I just need a night away from it all, I go to¬†Foxwoods¬†to play the low limit table with a bunch of 65 year old men, half of whom have a drinking problem, the other half of whom have a gambling problem. It’s not as sinful or sexy as Vegas, naturally, but it does the trick.
When I went this past weekend, I had the added delight of catching one of our favorite comedians at the casino’s comedy club:¬†Myq Kaplan. He was¬†a finalist on NBC’s “Last Comic Standing”¬†in 2010, he’s been on¬†all the major late-night shows¬†and¬†Comedy Central, and his latest CD was “one of iTunes‚Äô top ten best-selling comedy albums in 2010” (of course, that’s coming directly from his own website, so who knows — we’re going with it). The great thing about Kaplan is that his brand of comedy satisfies our inner liberal activists and our outer sex writers. And this past weekend’s set did not disappoint: he covered the stupidity of homophobia, the overrated-ness of anal sex, the correct technique for fisting, the inherent gayness of Genesis, sex-related Harry Potter puns, transgender issues, his openness to open relationships, and how the word “sexism” is too sexy for it’s own good. Sex themes + smarts + math jokes = swim fan! The fact that he’s a vegan is just a little liberal cherry on top.
Earlier this week on our site, we asked our Wise Guys what was up with the sexy Santa lingerie thing. Which naturally lead us to thinking about Mariah Carey, and how she basically owns the entire sexy Santa category, not to mention the sub-category of soft-core porn Santa. We know she didn’t exactly invent the look — scantily clad Santa’s helpers have been around for decades, and someone saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus years ago — but she’s made it her own again… and again… and again (Google-image-search “Sexy Mariah Santa” if you can handle even more).
Well, just in case anyone dared to think that the arrival of twin babies would cause Mariah to zip up her Santa suit to cover her cleavage, she recently unveiled — quite literally — her 2011 edition of Sexy Mariah Santa. This time around, it’s in a video for her remake of “All I Want For Christmas” with Justin Bieber. In the video, Mariah is apparently supposed to be a vintage animated Christmas card and Justin Bieber acts like he’s her awkward new stepson. She bumps and grinds against a wall while Bieber and his boy buddies push shopping carts around Macy’s looking for presents. Because when you find yourself alone in a Macy’s after hours with a Sexy Mariah Santa who could eat you for breakfast — you need backup, dudes.
Lo here: Em has always been a Howard Stern fan. As a staunch, man-hating feminist, I never got on board. Too many sad strippers willing to be reduced to body parts for love and attention — at least in the K-Rock days. No, for provocative, foul-mouthed, sex-related audio content, I’ll take Kevin Smith’s¬†Hollywood Babble-On with Ralph Garman any day. Now they’re by no means above female objectification, but they believe in equal opportunity objectification. Take for example, their regular segment on Liam Neesson’s infamously large endowment (“Liam Neesson’s cock is so big….”). Smith will even admit on air to homoerotic urges without fear or shame (hello, Thor!). They do a show every week loosely arranged around all things entertainment-industry — so if you’re an US Weekly junkie like Em, you can get your celeb gossip AND your dick jokes all in one place!
It was only a matter of time before the Anthony Weiner dolls went on sale — his weirdly hair-free chest is practically begging for a Ken doll version. Enter HeroBuilders.com, home of the Obama Rambama doll and the¬†Sarah Palin action figure, amongst others. They are currently selling two Weiner dolls, both clad in white gym clothes with “Tweet This” on the shorts. The $39.95 version is disappointingly G-rated under his pants, just like Ken and G.I. Joe. The adults only version, at $49.95, doesn’t leave the goods to your imagination.¬†”No one is buying the one without the penis,” said HeroBuilders President Emil Vicale.
We never thought we’d say this, but we feel kind of bad for Jennifer Lopez. Apparently she made a sex tape of sorts — there was no actual sex in it — with her ex-hubby on their honeymoon back in 1997, and now he’s shopping it around. J.Lo fought to stop him, but an L.A. judge recently ruled that she had no case against him. Which means he can now sell to the highest bidder. (Rumor has it that, in lieu of sex, you see him spanking her most famous asset.)¬†And sure, a celebrity making a sex tape and expecting it to stay private, what an idiot, right? But it’s not like this was some random drunken hookup. This was her husband. On their honeymoon.