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Our Go-To Comedian for Gay Rights, Women Lib & Proper Fisting Technique

February 6, 2012

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We both enjoy playing Texas Hold ‘Em, but of the two of us, I (Lo) enjoy it a little too much. So much so that when I just need a night away from it all, I go to Foxwoods to play the low limit table with a bunch of 65 year old men, half of whom have a drinking problem, the other half of whom have a gambling problem. It’s not as sinful or sexy as Vegas, naturally, but it does the trick.

When I went this past weekend, I had the added delight of catching one of our favorite comedians at the casino’s comedy club: Myq Kaplan. He was a finalist on NBC’s “Last Comic Standing” in 2010, he’s been on all the major late-night shows and Comedy Central, and his latest CD was “one of iTunes’ top ten best-selling comedy albums in 2010” (of course, that’s coming directly from his own website, so who knows — we’re going with it). The great thing about Kaplan is that his brand of comedy satisfies our inner liberal activists and our outer sex writers. And this past weekend’s set did not disappoint: he covered the stupidity of homophobia, the overrated-ness of anal sex, the correct technique for fisting, the inherent gayness of Genesis, sex-related Harry Potter puns, transgender issues, his openness to open relationships, and how the word “sexism” is too sexy for it’s own good. Sex themes + smarts + math jokes = swim fan! The fact that he’s a vegan is just a little liberal cherry on top.

So check him out! He’ll be at the West Bank Cafe’s Laurie Beechman Theater in Time Square this Wednesday at 7pm (see the Comic Diversity show) and you can download his Vegan Mind Meld CD from iTunes or buy it from Amazon.

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Did Mariah Carey Invent the Sexy Santa Look?

December 22, 2011

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Earlier this week on our site, we asked our Wise Guys what was up with the sexy Santa lingerie thing. Which naturally lead us to thinking about Mariah Carey, and how she basically owns the entire sexy Santa category, not to mention the sub-category of soft-core porn Santa. We know she didn’t exactly invent the look — scantily clad Santa’s helpers have been around for decades, and someone saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus years ago — but she’s made it her own again… and again… and again (Google-image-search “Sexy Mariah Santa” if you can handle even more).

Well, just in case anyone dared to think that the arrival of twin babies would cause Mariah to zip up her Santa suit to cover her cleavage, she recently unveiled — quite literally — her 2011 edition of Sexy Mariah Santa. This time around, it’s in a video for her remake of “All I Want For Christmas” with Justin Bieber. In the video, Mariah is apparently supposed to be a vintage animated Christmas card and Justin Bieber acts like he’s her awkward new stepson. She bumps and grinds against a wall while Bieber and his boy buddies push shopping carts around Macy’s looking for presents. Because when you find yourself alone in a Macy’s after hours with a Sexy Mariah Santa who could eat you for breakfast — you need backup, dudes.

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I Heart Kevin Smith

September 8, 2011

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Lo here: Em has always been a Howard Stern fan. As a staunch, man-hating feminist, I never got on board. Too many sad strippers willing to be reduced to body parts for love and attention — at least in the K-Rock days. No, for provocative, foul-mouthed, sex-related audio content, I’ll take Kevin Smith’s Hollywood Babble-On with Ralph Garman any day. Now they’re by no means above female objectification, but they believe in equal opportunity objectification. Take for example, their regular segment on Liam Neesson’s infamously large endowment (“Liam Neesson’s cock is so big….”). Smith will even admit on air to homoerotic urges without fear or shame (hello, Thor!). They do a show every week loosely arranged around all things entertainment-industry — so if you’re an US Weekly junkie like Em, you can get your celeb gossip AND your dick jokes all in one place!

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Weiner Doll Is a Whole Lot More Fun Than Ken

June 20, 2011

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It was only a matter of time before the Anthony Weiner dolls went on sale — his weirdly hair-free chest is practically begging for a Ken doll version. Enter HeroBuilders.com, home of the Obama Rambama doll and the Sarah Palin action figure, amongst others. They are currently selling two Weiner dolls, both clad in white gym clothes with “Tweet This” on the shorts. The $39.95 version is disappointingly G-rated under his pants, just like Ken and G.I. Joe. The adults only version, at $49.95, doesn’t leave the goods to your imagination. ”No one is buying the one without the penis,” said HeroBuilders President Emil Vicale.

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Beyonce, Who Run the World? Not Girls.

June 10, 2011

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Beyonce’s latest hit “Run the World” is a girl-power anthem, sort of: “Who run the world? Girls” over and over. Maybe it’s aspirational. Eh, probably not. We think this smart and harsh take by Vlogger “Nineteen Percent” is a better breakdown of the song: we don’t run the world, we do get disrespected, gypped at work, beat up, raped…. It’s a not-so-gentle reminder: let’s not get too complacent, ladies! There’s still much work to be done.

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Blocking a Sex Tape Is Like Getting Toothpaste Back in the Tube

June 9, 2011

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J.Lo in wax via Flickr

We never thought we’d say this, but we feel kind of bad for Jennifer Lopez. Apparently she made a sex tape of sorts — there was no actual sex in it — with her ex-hubby on their honeymoon back in 1997, and now he’s shopping it around. J.Lo fought to stop him, but an L.A. judge recently ruled that she had no case against him. Which means he can now sell to the highest bidder. (Rumor has it that, in lieu of sex, you see him spanking her most famous asset.) And sure, a celebrity making a sex tape and expecting it to stay private, what an idiot, right? But it’s not like this was some random drunken hookup. This was her husband. On their honeymoon.

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Loving Hating Gwenyth

January 19, 2011

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We always knew Gwyneth Paltrow was kind of annoying, but we didn’t realize it was “official” until we read the recent Time magazine review of her new movie “Country Strong,” which wasn’t so much a movie review as it was an account of how much people love to hate this her. For a recent example of the special kind of annoying she can be and the hilarious ire it can inspire, check out Videogum’s pitiless breakdown of Paltrow’s new advice to fellow working moms.

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Can Best Friends Be Sex Friends?

January 13, 2011

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You gotta love a movie trailer with lots swear words, nudity, sex scenes and menstruation references. We don’t think we’ve looked forward to an Ashton Kucher vehicle since “Dude, Where’s My Car,” but the “restricted” trailer (NOT one of the many sanitized-for-tv versions) for his next flick, “No Strings Attached,”"co-starring the ever-present Natalie Portman (fingers crossed she’s an anti-”Garden State” romantic lead), gives us hope.

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The Raw Sex Scenes of Blue Valentine

September 14, 2010

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One of the films we’re most excited to see in the next few months is the indie-flick 12 years in the making, “Blue Valentine,” starring Michelle Williams and Ryan Gosling and out December 31st. It’s an intimate portrait — almost documentary style — of a relationship/marriage over the course of several years, cross-cutting between different time periods. There was very little rehearsing, lots of time spent together in character before shooting, picking fights on the days they were filming fights. The two actors are on the cover of W magazine this month, with an interview by Lynn Hirschberg inside, in which they discuss, among other things, the very intense sex scenes:

LH: In Blue Valentine, out December 31, you and Ryan Gosling have an extremely raw and very naked sex scene.

MW: We never rehearsed anything, and those were really dark days. We shot the beginning of our relationship first, and it was fun and alive. Then we did the sex scenes and it was…toxic. Ryan and I had stopped relating to each other as Ryan and Michelle. Those scenes took forever. I had a long drive from set to home each night, and I would roll down all the windows and turn up the music as loud as I could and hang my head out the window like a dog and scream. It was my escape.

LH: Did you get nervous during those scenes?

MW: When I work I’m not nervous. Work is this fabulous free zone. There’s no judgment. My problems arrive when I’m not working. At a photo shoot, for instance, I feel like a sham. I feel like they’re trying to cover up what’s wrong with me. It’s probably not true, but just my dirty mind at work.

LH: How about the sex scene? The couple is fighting, and it’s the angriest, most realistic sex scene I’ve seen in a film in years.

RG: You mean the trying-not-to-have-sex sex scene? It was hard…a lot of times actors can trick people into thinking something is happening when it’s not happening, and we had to call ourselves out on anything that didn’t feel honest. Actors become very professional and proficient about watching out for each other’s light and not stepping on each other’s lines. All of these things are artificial, and you have to strip that away if you’re going to achieve a sense of intimacy. In real life sex is messy, and we wanted to get at that wonderful messiness.

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Sex Degrees of Separation

July 9, 2010

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We, Em & Lo, worked with and are friends with (and Lo was apt-mates with) Jessica Baumgardner, who married Irad Eyal, which is our connection to the new book “Sex Degrees of Separation.” Irad has just turned his unhealthy obsession with celebrity hook-ups into an exhaustive encyclopedia that combines the idea of “six degrees of separation” and the game “six degrees of Kevin Bacon” with an emphasis on romantic ties and bodily fluids. Any “Us Weekly” subscriber (that would be Em) will be awed and amazed by the scope of this book, which includes extensively diagrammed connections between everyone from Paris Hilton to Diddy to, yes, Kevin Bacon. The graphic designers must be relaxing in a mental institution after this complicated project, which Irad compares to untangling a thousand iPod headphones that have been in your bag for a week. Em knows what guilty pleasure reading she’s bringing to the beach this weekend.

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