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Word of the Week: Cinemadultery

March 12, 2015

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photo via flickr

These days, most of us watch TV on our own schedule, rather than sitting down in front of the box when the networks tell us to. In fact, plenty of people never even sit in front of a television set to watch their favorite shows! And plenty of us wait until an entire season (or more) of a show is available on Netflix or iTunes before choosing to watch it. But this new world order has ushered in the problem of cinemadultery.

You may not have heard of the term, but unless you’ve been single since the advent of Netflix et al, we’re fairly sure you’ve suffered the syndrome: It’s when your significant other watches an episode of a television without you — a show that you were supposedly watching together. For example, one of you is working late, or is out on a ladies’ or guys’ night, and the other one, home alone, sneaks in an extra episode of “The Good Wife.”Low blow, right?

And because we live in such a high tech world, it’s not always even possible to lie about this cinemadultery. Em once discovered her guy’s cinemadultery when she logged into their Netflix account and saw the cursor shifted down three episodes in the “House of Cards” section. (“House of Cards” is particularly vulnerable to cinemadultery, as an entire season is released at once.) He responded that “it meant nothing” and “it’s not you, it’s me” (he was bored) and, finally, “I didn’t know you cared!”

In the interest of protecting your relationship from cinemadultery, we suggest communicating clearly about the shows you watch together. Perhaps some shows are reserved for couple viewing time only (especially those with steamy sex scenes and hair-raising plot twists), while others can be consumed on an individual basis (foreign shows with sub-titles, for example).

Unless, of course, you feel like cinemadultery serves a purpose in your relationship. Perhaps it’s an outlet for partner-related frustration. And perhaps it’s a substitute for actual cheating — the kind that involves stealth late-night texting and handjobs in semi-public places.

In which case, let your asshole flag fly! Go ahead and watch that entire season of “Game of Thrones” on your own. Make a bag of popcorn and eat the entire bag yourself. And when your partner comes home and finds you passed out on the couch, remote in hand and your face smeared with butter? Don’t even think of apologizing.

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Jumping on the “Fifty Shades” Meme Bandwagon

February 19, 2015

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Okay, we know we said we’d stop with the “Fifty Shades” posts once the movie came out, but we can’t stop! We’re addicted. We’ve been enjoying the Shades meme wherein Christian Grey reveals his curiously singular tastes, and they turn out to be….an interest in, say, computer servers. So we thought we’d come up with a few of our own (there are 13 in all). If you can stand it, enjoy!

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How to Ruin a Date in 5 Words

January 15, 2015

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Some hashtags come and go on Twitter faster than a teen boy on prom night. But #RuinADateInFiveWords is still going strong, and it’s been weeks now! That’s some stamina worth paying attention to. Here are some that have been posted just in the past hour or so: I’m not thirsty, Mr. Cosby by @JohnFugelsang and What size fursuit you wear? by @DailyFiasco. Though the winner, at least, in our opinion, is, Oh, it’s my playdoh dispenser (click on the link for key visual hint – the original poster deleted the Tweet, apparently publicity shy). Anyway, bad dates are our speciality, both professionally and personally (though, happily, the latter is now ancient history). So here are our top 20 contributions to #RuinADateInFiveWords:

1. You’re not a feminist, right?

2. My mom chose this shirt.

3. I write my own jokes.

4. You just yucked my yum.

5. Sex is better without condoms.

6. But I like to top.

7. I thought you meant ice-cream.

8. Your place? My mom’s home.

9. But my ex loved that!

10. You’re a really good person.

11. What’s wrong with baby talk?

12. But the guy always pays!

13. Do you have a sister?

14. Discussing our STDs is unsexy.

15. No, really, pull my finger.

16. I don’t bother to vote.

17. Gotta run, my soap’s on!

18. Hillary just seems so bossy.

19. Sex toys are a crutch.

20. Where is the handcuffs key?

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35 Ways Mindy Kaling Won the Internet in 2014

December 29, 2014

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photo via @MindyKaling

People often say they love Mindy Kaling because she is “relatable,” but we’re going to avoid that word because we think it’s kind of a backhanded compliment. We can imagine the Underminer saying it. Like, the only reason you love Mindy Kaling is because she doesn’t make you feel bad about your muffin top or the fact that you drunk-dialed your ex last night. Then again, we suppose there are worse reasons to have an imaginary friendship with a celebrity.

We love Mindy Kaling because she is wicked funny and simultaneously self-deprecating while not being afraid of a little self-promotion. We love her because she’s her own freakin’ boss. We love her because she fantasizes about being the oldest sister in a Jane Austen novel, with Taylor Swift as the youngest sister. (We didn’t even know until she said it that it’s totally our fantasy, too.) We love her because she told Howard Stern that she can never say no when someone suggests shots. And we love her because she confessed her B.J. Novak crush on the Howard Stern show and then right after, she went on Twitter and was all like, “Um @bjnovak I talked a little about you on @HowardStern.” Who can’t, well, relate to that?

Fine! Fine. She’s relatable. But she’s also hilarious about life, alcohol, and the pursuit of the opposite sex. Here are our 35 favorite @MindyKaling tweets from 2014:

 

1. Sure he texted me Merry Christmas but will he text me happy Boxing Day

 

2. When i have a crush on someone I pester them until they die

 

3. I’m watching The Notebook for the first time. I don’t understand why marrying handsome rich sweet war hero James Marsden is so weep-inducing

 

4. All I wanted to do was place a kiss on his suprasternal notch

 

5. If your date orders a California roll and vegetable tempura you so know she is totally basic but you are also getting laid

 

6. “Why the fuck not me?” should be your motto

 

7. If I was blind I could tell who the hot girls in the nail salon were by how boring their stories are

 

8. Before you’re a bae you have to be a bb

 

9. Is it weird to say, I wish Bruno Mars was my son

 

10. “Have you dined with us before?” No, but I PROMISE you I can figure this out with context clues, babe

 

11. Girls, the lesson is, create a tv show and use it as your reason for needing emails and phone numbers. Like Seth Rogen and Kevin Reilly, say

 

12. I love my @ELLEmagazine cover. It made me feel glamorous & cool. And if anyone wants to see more of my body, go on thirteen dates with me.

 

13. Holy shit I’m the age of those people on thirtysomething

 

14. Don’t worry about having perfect taste. People with perfectly curated taste usually have no original voice.

 

15. #humblebrag me, baby, like it’s 2012

 

16. For LA women, Saturday is the day you read, catch up with family and friends, and rip unwanted hair off of places on your body

 

17. leave a slice of carrot cake at my door if you love me

 

18. Ugh I have so much work, I should just gone girl myself

 

19. Gone Girl is a verb now

 

20. We all died of excitement because in the apartment across the street, a naked man was changing his duvet cover #sohostories

 

21. Five writers in the soho area want frozen yogurt delivered to us while we watch a documentary about murderers

 

22. September is a summer month, not a fall month, I have been thinking this for years but never said it aloud because it’s boring

 

23. I like you if every song is about you even the ones that make no sense like losing my religion

 

24. Drive sober, kiss tipsy, pack suitcases drunk as hell, has worked for me

 

25. Yawning at a dinner party ’cause you’re bored is rude but saying “yawn” at boring dinner party is awesome

 

26. In my romantic comedy movie set in New York our heroine is constantly running into exes while trying on glasses at Warby Parker

 

27. I wore a cape last night and wasn’t dramatic, so that’s a good start to a new year!

 

28. the melancholy cuteness of people in their 20s playing house

 

29. Yeah autocorrect I meant gu not hi

 

30. If you got it flaunt it, if you don’t got it, flaunt it

 

31. In high school, if I was up late studying, my dad would make me buttered toast and didn’t go to sleep until I did. I wanna be like that.

 

32. Let me get this straight they made Bradley Cooper the goddamned raccoon

 

33. Horrified to realize that crisp chicken skin is 100% my favorite food

 

34. God I feel so superior drinking my coconut water

 

35. The central unresolved question of my adult life is: how on earth does everyone become friends with everyone else so quickly?

 

 

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25 Romantic Comedies Turned Very, Very Scary

December 23, 2014

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We’re suckers for a good Twitter meme, even if they do make us feel like the clumsy kid who always gets picks last in gym class (i.e. when we contribute to a meme in what we consider to be a hilarious fashion, and are met with resounding Twitter silence). But like the clumsy kid in gym class in a John Hughes movie, we refuse to give up. Our favorite Twitter meme this week is #MakeAComedyScary. We happen to think that an unhealthy proportion of romantic comedies have a terrifying approach to love, dating, and sex, so this one is perfect for us! Below, you will find our top 25 romantic comedies turned very, very scary. Oh, and you if want to make us feel like Molly Ringwald in Sixteen Candles, you should go ahead and follow us on Twitter @EMandLO.

1. Harold & Maude 2: Love in a Morgue

2. It Happened One Night But Nobody Believed Her

3. Pretty Woman Doesn’t Know She Has Chlamydia

4. My Big Fat Gay Wedding (okay, so this one is only terrifying to Republicans)

5. The Porn Shop Around the Corner (ditto)

6. (500) Days of Zooey Deschanel

7. The 40-Year-Old Virgin Suicide

8. Pretty in Pink Because She’s Been Culturally Conditioned to Shun Blue

9. Four Weddings and Four Funerals, Then One More Wedding

10. When Harry Met Sally’s Expectations

11. How to Lose a Guy By Doing Everything Cosmopolitan Magazine Tells You To

12. 10 Things I Hate About Your Teddy Bear Collection

13. Breakfast at Bill Cosby’s

14. Bridget Jones’s Red Room of Pain

15. Forgetting Sarah Marshall’s Safe Word

16. Knocked Up in a State with Restricted Access to Abortion

17. My Best Friend’s Shotgun Wedding to a Guy Who Thought She Was on the Pill

18. Love Actually Doesn’t Conquer Mismatched Libidos

19. Three Republican Men and a Fetus

20. Sleepless in Seattle 2: Crabs vs. Bedbugs

21. Some Like It in Furry Animal Costumes

22. The Princess Child Bride

23. Say Anything So Long As It’s About Me

24. Clueless About Sex Ed

25. 13 Going on 30: Unrated

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28 “Pretty Woman” Quotes to Use When Online Dating

October 20, 2014

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We loved the Buzzfeed experiment where a woman sent Tinder guys the emails from You’ve Got Mail, but we found a movie that’s even better suited for online dating. Here are the top 28 lines from Pretty Woman that could come in handy when online dating. Use if you dare!

 

The Pickup Line Approach

“Hey yo, baby!”

 

The Fishing for a Compliment Approach

“People put you down enough, you start to believe it.”

“The bad stuff is easier to believe. You ever notice that?”

 

The Here’s-Your-Compliment Approach

“I think you are a very bright, very special woman.”

“I think you have a lot of special gifts.”

“Very few people surprise me.”

 

The Small Talk Approach

“Don’t you just love Prince?”

“What’s your dream?”

 

The Trivia Approach

“Did I mention, my leg is 44″ from hip to toe?”

 

The Princess Approach

“I want the fairy tale.”

“When I was a little girl, my mama used to lock me in the attic when I was bad, which was pretty often. And I would- I would pretend I was a princess… trapped in a tower by a wicked queen. And then suddenly this knight… on a white horse with these colors flying would come charging up and draw his sword. And I would wave. And he would climb up the tower and rescue me.”

 

The Warts-and-All Approach

“My special gift is impossible relationships.”

“I don’t want to be alone tonight.”

 

The Stalker Approach

“That’s my favorite name in the whole world.”

“I called and called, where were you last night?”

“I’d like you to spend the week with me.”

“In case I forget to tell you later, I had a really good time tonight.”

 

The Booty Call Approach

“I appreciate this whole seduction thing you’ve got going on here, but let me give you a tip: I’m a sure thing.”

“I got red, I got green, I got yellow… I’m out of purple, but I do have one Gold Circle coin left… the condom of champions… the one and only… nothin’ is gettin’ through this sucker. Whaddya say, hmm?”

“I could just pop ya real good and get outta here.”

 

The Highbrow Approach

People’s reactions to opera the first time they see it is very dramatic; they either love it or they hate it. If they love it, they will always love it. If they don’t, they may learn to appreciate it, but it will never become part of their soul.

 

The Sugar Daddy Approach

“I’m gonna treat you so nice, you’re never gonna let me go.”

 

The Home Comforts Approach

“Let’s watch old movies all night… we’ll just veg out in front of the TV. Be still like vegetables. Lay like broccoli.”

“You and I are such similar creatures.”

 

… And Finally, When an Online Dater Blows You Off, Take the High Road

“It must be difficult to let go of something so beautiful.”

“Big mistake. Big. Huge. I have to go shopping now.”

“You’re forgiven.”

“I say who, I say when, I say who.”

 

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Discovered Awesome New Anal Lube #Blessed

May 6, 2014

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Gun Oil lube is available at GoodVibes.com
We laughed out loud at the recent NYT article poking fun at the many ways people use the hashtag “blessed” to describe strokes of luck or good fortune (and yes, the Styles section is one of our go-to reads on the weekend, we confess — especially since they started printing it on the less-newsprinty paper). “Here are a few of the ways that God has touched my social network over the past few months,” the article begins, and goes on to list spa retreats, high-end baby clothing, diamond engagement rings, birthday greetings on a Facebook wall, job promotions, front row seats at Fashion Week, invitations to give a TED Talk, and so on. In other words, #blessed is the new not-so-humble brag.

So we thought we’d put together our own imagined list of the top 10 most inappropriately dirty ways to shared your #blessings with the world. If any of you are brave-slash-stupid enough to post one of these to your Facebook or Twitter profile — with no qualifications! –and email us a screenshot to emlo at emandlo dot com, we will send you an appropriately dirty gift.

1. Discovered awesome new anal lube that lasts and lasts without feeling sticky. #blessed

2. Doc says it’s pubic dandruff, not crabs! #blessed

3. I’m receiving oral sex RIGHT NOW. #blessed

4. Morning wood Mondays! #blessed

5. Found and discreetly removed a dingleberry just before my partner rimmed me. #blessed

6. Just achieved a hands-free orgasm in cubicle by squeezing my thighs together. During a conference call. #blessed

7. Everything is awesome, especially simultaneous orgasms! #blessed

8. Lost my gut thanks to 7-minute workouts and now my penis looks bigger! #blessed

9. Accidentally emailed my sex tape to Mom but she said she couldn’t open the attachment. #blessed

10. My new vibrator is dishwasher-safe, so long as I place it in the top rack. #blessed

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Top 10 Male Celebrity Feminists Andrew Garfield Could Learn From

April 25, 2014

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Emma Stone went viral this week when she called out her boyfriend, Andrew Garfield, for his casual sexism during a Q&A session promoting The Amazing Spider-Man 2. When a little boy asked Garfield how Spider-Man got his costume, he said: “He made it. He made it with his bare hands. He sewed it… It’s kind of a feminine thing to do, but he really made a very masculine costume.” At which point Stone said, “It’s feminine, how?” Garfield then stumbled and blushed and before eventually settling on the idea that  ”We all have feminine in us, young men.”

Clearly Emma Stone is not shy about educating her boyfriend in all matters relating to feminism, but we thought Andrew Garfield might find additional inspiration in these awesome quotes from male celebrities who are unabashed feminists. Guys, take note: For some women, these quotes are hotter than porn.

1. John Legend
“All men should be feminists. If men care about women’s rights the world will be a better place. We are better off when women are empowered, it leads to a better society.”

2. Joseph Gordon-Levitt
“My mom brought me up to be a feminist. … She would always point out to my brother and me that our culture does often portray women like objects. For example, we would always watch Lakers games as a family, but my mom would always point out every time the cheerleaders come on, ‘Okay, so look, here’s the story that gets told: The men get to be the heroic skilled athletes and the women just get to be pretty.’ She didn’t mean any offense to any individual woman who was working as a cheerleader, but she wanted me and my brother to be aware of it because we see these images on TV, in the movies, and on magazines all the time. And if you don’t stop and think about it, it just sort of seeps into your brain and that becomes the way you perceive reality. I do call myself a feminist. Absolutely! It’s worth paying attention to the roles that are sort of dictated to us and that we don’t have to fit into those roles. We can be anybody we wanna be.”

3. Seth Meyers
“When you work with the sort of really strong women that I work with, the idea that anyone would want to make [reproductive] decisions for them is hard to wrap your head around.”

4. Louis C.K.
“How do women still go out with guys, when you consider that there is no greater threat to women than men? We’re the number one threat to women! Globally and historically, we’re the number one cause of injury and mayhem to women. You know what our number one threat is? Heart disease.”

5. Ryan Gosling
“You have to question a cinematic culture which preaches artistic expression, and yet would support a decision that is clearly a product of a patriarchy-dominant society, which tries to control how women are depicted on screen. The MPAA is okay supporting scenes that portray women in scenarios of sexual torture and violence for entertainment purposes, but they are trying to force us to look away from a scene [depicting cunnilingus] that shows a woman in a sexual scenario, which is both complicit and complex. It’s misogynistic in nature to try and control a woman’s sexual presentation of self.”

6. Prince Harry
“When women are empowered, they immeasurably improve the lives of everyone around them — their families, their communities, and their countries. This is not just about women, we men need to recognize the part we play too. Real men treat women with dignity and give them the respect they deserve.”

7. Jay Baruchel
“I’m constantly annoyed [by] how terribly written most females are in most everything — and especially in comedy. Their anatomy seems to be the only defining aspect of their character, and I just find that untruthful and it straight-up offends me. A lot of the strongest people I know are chicks. And as a viewer, I get a kick out of watching real characters. So I take it upon myself to clean that shit up and write actual women. And I like writing strong women, because as a straight male, there’s nothing more attractive to me than a strong girl.”

8. Ashton Kutcher
“I think there’s so much that’s not said about sex in our country, even from an educational level…the one thing they teach about is how to get pregnant or how to not get pregnant, but they don’t really talk about sex as a point of pleasure for women. … That creates a place where women aren’t empowered around their own sexuality and their own sexual selves.”

9. Mark Ruffalo
“When I heard the story [of my mother's illegal abortion] I was aghast by the lowliness of a society that would make a woman do that. I could not understand its lack of humanity; today is no different. What happened to my mother was a relic of an America that was not free nor equal nor very kind. My mother’s illegal abortion marked a time in America that we have worked long and hard to leave behind. It was a time when women were seen as second rate citizens who were not smart enough, nor responsible enough, nor capable enough to make decisions about their lives. It was a time that deserved to be left behind, and leave it behind we did, or so it seemed. We made abortion and a woman’s ability to be her own master a Right. That Right was codified into law. That law was the law of the land for decades. My own mother fought to make herself more than a possession; she lived her life as a mother who chose when she would have children, and a wife who could earn a living if she so chose. I want my daughters to enjoy that same choice. I don’t want to turn back the hands of time to when women shuttled across state lines in the thick of night to resolve an unwanted pregnancy, in a cheap hotel room just south of the state line. Where a transaction of $600 cash becomes the worth of a young woman’s life.”

10. Joss Whedon
“[I write strong women characters] because of my mother. She really was an extraordinary, inspirational, tough, cool, sexy, funny woman. And that’s the kind of woman I’ve always surrounded myself with, my friends and particularly my wife, who is not only smarter than and stronger than I am, but occasionally taller too. I think it also goes back to my father and my stepfather, because they prized wit and resolve in the women they were with above all things and they were among the rare men who understood that recognizing someone else’s power doesn’t diminish your own.”

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Bi-Curious George: The Best of #RuinAChildrensBook

March 26, 2014

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This week’s most fun hashtag trending on Twitter was #RuinAChildrensBook. Given that we each have two small kids and we’ve been writing about sex for fifteen years — often between diaper changes and school runs — this hashtag was practically made for us. Here are our favorite ruined book titles that we posted to Twitter this week:

1. Harry Potter and the Red Room of Pain #RuinAChildrensBook
– Em & Lo (@emandlo) March 25, 2014

2. The Poky Little Penis #RuinAChildrensBook
– Em & Lo (@emandlo) March 25, 2014

3. Pierre’s Penis Pump: A Cautionary Tale in Five Chapters and a Prologue #RuinAChildrensBook
– Em & Lo (@emandlo) March 25, 2014

4. Pat “The Bunny” #RuinAChildrensBook
– Em & Lo (@emandlo) March 25, 2014

5. Bi-Curious George #RuinAChildrensBook
– Em & Lo (@emandlo) March 25, 2014

6. The Very Hungry Caterpillar Who Only Had a Teaspoon of Cottage Cheese All Day and Still Feels Guilty #RuinAChildrensBook
– Em & Lo (@emandlo) March 25, 2014

7. Lilly’s Purple Plastic Vibrator #RuinAChildrensBook
– Em & Lo (@emandlo) March 25, 2014

8. Tales of a Fourth Grade Anorexic #RuinAChildrensBook

– Em & Lo (@emandlo) March 25, 2014

9. Charlie and the Fudge Factory #RuinAChildrensBook
– Em & Lo (@emandlo) March 25, 2014

10. Please Don’t Tickle Me Elmo #RuinAChildrensBook
– Em & Lo (@emandlo) March 25, 2014

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Which Disney Princess Are You? (Em & Lo Style)

January 27, 2014

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Results from the Zimbio quiz “Which Disney Princess Are You?” have been popping up in our Facebook feed this week. Most of them are as saccharine and subtly sexist as the Disney movies themselves:

They’re just begging for a more honest edit, with a little tough love thrown in — one that reflects the disturbing messages about gender roles, romantic relationships and beauty often perpetuated by the Disney Princess Industrial Complex. Feel free to forward the following to any one of your friends who’s taken the quiz so they can read their real results:

 

 

 

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