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Top 10 Scenes of Bare America

July 19, 2012

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In honor of the birth month of our nation, we collected the top 10 classic birthday-suit scenes from American movies with American themes. The fact that only a minority of them are¬†healthy¬†depictions of sex reflects our puritanical country’s fucked-up relationship with the topic. Feel free to light a sparkler and disrobe in patriotic solidarity — maybe you can make American sex a little more positive.

 

1.


PSYCHO (1960) -¬†The fact that the character of Marion is seen in a bra at the beginning of the film was scandalous enough at the time — but to have her gruesomely killed while naked in the shower? Shocking! According to IMDB, there’s a rumor that the release board didn’t initially okay the film because they were convinced there was a nipple shot in the shower scene. Of course, there wasn’t — the cinematography and score were so well done, people’s imaginations just easily filled in the blanks. We can thank Hitchcock for launching a long, sordid American tradition of combining female nudity with unspeakable violence for cheap thrills and entertainment purposes.

2.


THE GRADUATE (1967) -¬†Much like PSYCHO, THE GRADUATE’s most famous scene uses quick flashes of body parts. Of course, in this movie, the violence is all emotional and there is indeed a nipple shot. Mrs. Robinson (Anne Bancroft) famously tries to seduce Benjamin (Dustin Hoffman), a recent college grad who’s struggling to figure out what to do with his life, especially now that he’s realizing the lives of his parents’ generation aren’t necessarily something to aspire to (what with them all being evil succubi and whatnot).

3. 


KRAMER VS. KRAMER (1979) -¬†Ushering in an era of divorce as an acceptable option for unhappy marrieds in America, this heartbreaking movie details the impact separation can have on a family, including the awkwardness of a parent’s new single sex life. In this scene, the 7-year-old son confronts his father’s first sex partner since the split in the hallway in the middle of the night — she, of course, is naked. If your parents got divorced when you were young, then you know how impactful this scene can be; if your parents got divorced when you were young and you watched this movie around the same time, then you know how gut-wrenchingly traumatic it can be.

4.


FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH (1982) -¬†We had to put in at least one classic American teenage boy fantasy: Phoebe Cates in a red bikini climbing out of a backyard pool in slo-mo and undoing the front clasp of her top. This all happens in the mind of the senior boy jerking off to her inside in the bathroom until the fully clasped Cates accidentally busts in on him while looking for a Q-tip for her water-logged ears. Payback’s a bitch.

5. 


HAROLD & MAUDE (1971) -¬†A classic movie that cautioned against American consumerism, celebrated the pursuit of happiness (no matter how untraditional that happiness is), and championed the right to literally — and theatrically — die. Plus, with its tender love story (and post-coital bed scene) between 79-year-old Maude and 20-something Harold, it was the first movie to acknowledge that the elderly are sexual people too — and this was years before Viagra! Revolutionary.

Read the rest of this list on SundanceChannel.com



Top 10 Movie Couples We Want to Double-Date

July 12, 2012

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Double-dating is at least as hard as plain old dating. First of all, there’s two of them and two of you, which means there are four potential relationships to negotiate — you’re trying to find a couple with whom you have four-way chemistry. That’s Nobel-level stuff happening there. And then there’s the lack of sex — unless you’re swingers, of course. You might forgive your date’s annoying dining habits (chewing with their mouth open, gesticulating with a fork) because you’re going to get some hot monkey lovin’ later on. But your double date? The best you can hope for is a double kiss on the cheek, European style. So they’d better be good company. Here are the top ten movie couples we wouldn’t mind double-dating with. (Though we can’t promise that our other halves would necessarily agree.)

10. Captain Von Trapp and the Baroness (SOUND OF MUSIC, 1965)

Sure, if we were seven years old and liked to skip a lot, we’d love to go to dinner with the Captain (Christopher Plummer) and Maria (Julie Andrews). Hey, maybe we could even put on a puppet show! But if it’s witty banter, heavy drinking, and good old-fashioned innuendo you’re looking for, then the Baroness (Eleanor Parker) wins hands down.

9. Loretta and Ronny (MOONSTRUCK, 1987)

Cher and Nicholas Cage — how could they do so right in this movie, and later go so wrong? It’s our fantasy to be on a double-date with this couple and have Cher slap someone in the face to wake them up to their life. Actually, maybe she could slap everyone at the table, each for whatever they needed to snap out of. And while we mostly prefer to avoid double-dating couples who fight in public, we’d kind of like to see these two go at it. We think we could learn a thing or two about how to lay it all out on the table… and, later, screw and make up. Also, Cage is eighteen years younger than Cher! We just want to be around that kind of magic.

8. Ennis Del Mar & Jack Twist (BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN, 2005)

Normally, excessive P.D.A. is kind of a deal-breaker on a double date. First of all — ew, we’re eating! And second, who wants to double-date a couple who makes them feel like their own sex life is drab and monotonous? But with these guys (played by Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal): bring it on! We could even stand to see a little tongue. In the end, though, we just want to double-date these guys so we can reach across the table, squeeze their hands, and tell them it’ll all be okay if they’d just move to the West Village or San Francisco.

7. Harry Burns & Sally Albright (WHEN HARRY MET SALLY, 1989)

Since opposites usually attract, chances are one if you is high maintenance and the other isn’t. This would balance out a double date with Harry and Sally nicely. There would be lively debate, some fun rounds of Pictionary, maybe even some drunken dancing involving the White Man’s Overbite. One would just hope Sally would know NOT to pull out her female orgasm impression at the dinner table when guests are over.

6. David Norris and Elise Sellas (THE ADJUSTMENT BUREAU, 2011)

This film was pretty unremarkable except for one, kind of amazing element: proper, grown-up, palpable chemistry between two characters (played by Matt Damon and Emily Blunt) that was equal parts brain and booty. It shouldn’t be that rare to see two smart, funny, beautiful people fall for each other’s intellect on screen, but it feels like it is. We just wanted that scene on the bus to keep going — which is why we want a double date. Because they seem like the kind of couple who could turn that buzzy charm on their dinner guests, too — rather than just sticking their tongues down each other’s throats. Oh, and if the waiter turns out to be an evil undercover agent from an alternate universe, then they’d probably come in pretty handy, too.

Read the rest of this list on SUNfiltered



Top 30 #VaginaMovieLines Tweets

June 19, 2012

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To follow up on our Vaginagate roundup post from yesterday, now that the trending on Twitter had died down, here are our top 30 picks for best #vaginamovielines Tweets of the past week, so you can avoid scrolling through the endless stream of mediocrity and get straight to the good stuff:

NEGATIVE (from the perspective of Majority Floor Leader Jim Stamas, the would-be Emperor of vaginas):

  1. “Say ‘vagina’ again. Say ‘vagina’ again, I dare you, I double dare you motherfucker, say ‘vagina’¬†one more Goddamn time!¬†” (Pulp Fiction)
  2. “If I only had a vagina.” (The Wizard of Oz)
  3. “The first rule of Vagina Club: YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT VAGINA CLUB.” (Fight Club)
  4. “Frankly my dear, I don’t give a vagina.”¬†(Gone with the Wind)
  5. “Frankly Vagina, I don’t give a damn.” (Gone with the Wind)
  6. “Whatever you do, don’t get it wet. And never, ever, feed it after midnight.” (Gremlins)
  7. “Is your muffin buttered? …¬†Would you like us to assign someone to butter your muffin?” (Mean Girls)
  8. “Love means never having to say ‘vagina’.” (Love Story)
  9. “I am SICK and TIRED of these MOTHERFUCKING VAGINAS on this MOTHERFUCKING PLANE!!!‚ÄĚ (Snakes on a Plane)
  10. “Lions and tigers and vaginas, oh my!” (The Wizard of Oz)
  11. “What’s in the box?!” (Se7en)
  12. “I’m king of the vagina!” (Titanic)
  13. “I don’t like your vagina name. I don’t like your vagina face. I don’t like your vagina behavior, and I don’t like you, vagina. Do I make myself clear?” (The Big Lebowski)
  14. “I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little vagina, too.” (The Wizard of Oz)
  15. “Vaginas? We ain’t got no vaginas. We don’t need no vaginas! I don’t have to show you any stinkin’ vaginas!” (The Treasure of the Sierra Madre)

Read the 15 POSITIVE Tweets (from the perspective of Rep. Lisa Brown’s, brave defender of vaginas) on SUNfiltered

 



In Praise of Harold and Maude

June 14, 2012

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photo via flickr

You know the worst thing about the movie THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY? Not the semen hair gel gag, or the clogged toilet, or the zipper in the ball sac. Nope, it’s when Cameron Diaz’s character Mary declares that the movie HAROLD AND MAUDE (released this week for the first time on¬†Blu-Ray)¬†is the “greatest love story of our time.” We happen to think she’s right, but all of a sudden it became a bit trite to celebrate this 1971 love story about a 79-year-old free spirited woman and a 20-year-old guy who likes to fake his own suicide to freak out his mom.

Fortunately, we happen to think that people will be talking about MAUDE long after MARY is no more than a vague fragment of a memory about Cameron’s sticky hair do. And, trite or no, we will continue to rhapsodize about this extreme May-December love story. Because, as Maura Kelly notes in a great Atlantic article: “It’s hard to find a subsequent film that depicts an older person, particularly an older woman, with so much dignity and tenderness — as someone comfortable with her age, who is sexually active and quite attractive. That’s dismaying because seniors who age naturally can be babes, as Gordon makes clear, and they¬†do have sexual needs and lives; to omit their reality is to omit part of the human experience.”

Read the rest of this post on SUNfiltered



Top 10 Summer Movies to See (a Guess)

June 8, 2012

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Spider-who? Bat-who? Bourne-who? Forget the summer action blockbusters. This season we’re much more interested in the softer, sassier, saucier flicks. Instead of aliens, action and adventure, sex, love, family and friendship are the big themes with these movies. Women make up a majority of the lead roles (for a change). Most are indie. And for some reason they all come out¬†this¬†month. Guess it makes sense to get your summer love on early.

1. LOLA VERSUS (June 8)  - Dumped 3 weeks before her wedding, 29-year-old Lola (played by the lovable Greta Gerwig) embarks on a series of desperate encounters to find her place in the world before hitting the big 3-O.

2. SAFETY NOT GUARANTEED (June 8) ¬†- They had us at “From the producers of LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE.” Aubrey Plaza (PARKS AND RECREATION) plays an intern at a Seattle magazine who goes undercover to investigate the author of a classified ad seeking someone to time travel with (“Must bring your own weapons. Safety not guarateed. I have only done this once before.”).

3. BEL AMI (June 8)  - A hot (but pasty and penniless) soldier (Robert Pattinson) in 19th century France uses his masculine wiles to get ahead/get some head.

4. YOUR SISTER’S SISTER (June 15)¬†- What happens when your sister accidentally sleeps with the man you’re in love with. We don’t want to know. We mean, we want to know, just not personally. Emily Blunt stars with some other indie heavyweights you’ll recognize.

5. BRAVE (June 22)¬†- If you don’t count the mom and the sister (who were basically non-entities), Pixar’s TOY STORY had only one female character: Bo Peep, the sexy little lamp who’s minuscule role was basically as¬†Woody’s fluffer. After a whopping 12 films, Pixar — or should we say Dixar? — is finally making a movie with a female lead. Let’s hope she has a cool female buddy, not just a domineering mother.

See movies 5 through 10 here!

 



Top 10 Gay Sex Scenes in Mainstream Movies

June 7, 2012

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Thanks to the Hays Code, gay characters were largely missing from the movies up until 1968. And even more recently than that, it was considered career suicide for a male actor to “play gay.” These days, it’s not hard to find gay characters in mainstream Hollywood films — the gay best friend has become a rom-com staple. But the gay side kick, as Hollywood portrays him, tends to be much more interested in shopping and gossiping with his straight female friends than in having sex. Which means you have to put in a little effort to find steamy scenes between two men. Not so much with the on-screen lesbian action, however — after all, the woman-on-woman kiss is box office gold, and women who lock lips with each other become instant sex symbols. Fortunately, movie goers and movie makers are lightening up a bit, so even stars like Leonardo DiCaprio are now willing to lock lips with another dude. Here are ten of our favorite gay sex scenes — or, at least, sexy scenes — in mainstream movies.

10. THE ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW (1975)

It didn’t start off mainstream, but once everyone you know — including your parents — can do the Time Warp, then it’s gone from cult to cliche:

Bow-tie wearing Brad (Brad Bostwick) and lily-white Janet (Susan Sarandon) take a trip to celebrate their engagement. When their car breaks down in the rain they end up in a nearby castle, where they meet “sweet transvestite” Dr. Frank N. Furter (Tim Curry) and his free lovin’ compatriots. Frank N. Furter dresses up as Janet and then sneaks into Brad’s room to seduce him. Through a rather discreet lace curtain (hey, this was 1975 after all), we watch Brad transition — in 30 seconds flat! — from no-way-dude-that’s-a-penis to what-the-hell-it-feels-good.

Actually, forget what we said about 1975; you’d be hard-pressed to get this movie made in 2012, lace curtain or no.

9. BLACK SWAN (2010)

In this utterly ridiculous and unintentionally hilarious movie, Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis do ecstasy together, dry-hump on the dance floor, and then end up in bed. Of course they do.

Our favorite quote ever about the lesbian oral sex in this movie comes from gay website AfterElton.com: “Hollywood producers and directors have a long tradition of shying away from gay male sex scenes ‚Äď even as they labor valiantly to insert lesbian sex in the most ridiculous of places. Nina had lesbian sex in BLACK SWAN to show how obsessed she was with herself? Really, Darren Aronofsky? Couldn‚Äôt you just come out and say, ‘This is how we got financing. A movie about ballet? I mean, are you kidding? Of course, we had to do this!’”

8. J. EDGAR (2011)

Okay, so all they do is kiss, but this was the fifties and these guys were buttoned up with everything to lose, so maybe that’s all they did do.

Leonardo DiCaprio (as J. Edgar Hoover) and Armie Hammer (as his loyal assistant Clyde Tolson) get into a fist fight and fall to the ground, at which point Tolson goes in for a kiss. It’s simultaneously sexy and heartbreaking because you know that this kiss has to stand in for everything else they wish they could do together. And it’s almost enough to make us forgive THE BEACH.

Male kiss runner-up: Sean Penn and James Franco in MILK (2008).

7. WET HOT AMERICAN SUMMER (2001)

Hot prepster Ben (Bradley Cooper) is in love with his fellow camp counselor McKinley (Michael Ian Black). During the simultaneously hilarious and yet earnestly hot sex scene, their two straight buddies watch McKinley disappear into a log cabin (heh) and surmise that he probably went to write his mommy and daddy a letter. “What a fag,” they say. As Ben and McKinley get it on, their buddies continue in a voice-over, trying to figure out who would have sex with McKinley (“Debbie? No, she’s got mono.”). Meanwhile, inside the cabin, Cooper takes off his lover’s shirt and smells it, then the guys do it against a wall while wearing matching white tube socks with red stripes!

According to an interview with Cooper, the following exchange was filmed for this sex scene but ended up on the cutting room floor: Ben: “Say my name.” McKinley: “Ben!” Ben: “No! Say my Christian name.” McKinley [whispering]: “Benjamin.” And “that’s when I came,” Cooper says in the interview. Aw, man.

6. GIA (1998)

It’s only fitting that at least one Angelina Jolie movie be on this list, given that she pretty much owns the “Which woman would you turn lesbian for?” category.

In one of the — many, many — sex scenes in this movie, Jolie’s hard-partying supermodel character appears to a hump a chain-link fence during a naked fashion photo shoot — and then the photographer asks the make-up artist (Lost’s Elizabeth Mitchell) to join in and the two women get naked and laugh kind of silently in a music montage like they’re in a TV commercial for salad dressing (oh right, this was a TV movie). Then they have a threeway with the fence.

Read the rest of this list on SUNfiltered



Top 10 Most Unrealistic Sex Scenes of All Time

May 24, 2012

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Movies are all about imagination, fantasy, suspension of disbelief — especially when it comes to their sex scenes. But the mind is capable of only so much mental gymnastics before it goes “Nuh uh.” If the sex in question — or any aspect of the movie, really — doesn’t have enough believability, we’re taken out of the experience, much in the same way an unfortunate bodily emission can kill even the most passionate mood. Here are the worst cinematic offenders of all time:

10. Standing up sex in JERRY MAGUIRE (1996)
Ask people to name their favorite Hollywood sex scene and chances are, a standing sex scene will come up. For some reason, two people doing it upright just conveys heat. But how often does anyone actually climax in this position? Well, Tom Cruise and his redheaded, dirty-talking fiance (played by Kelly Preston) certainly do in JERRY MAGUIRE. Bonus points because they have a simultaneous orgasm in this scene, which is pretty much the only kind of orgasm that gets the Hollywood stamp of approval — but is rarer in real-life than a Botox-free face is in L.A.

Runners-up: The standing sex in 8 MILE (Brittany Murphy and Eminem, 2002); LESS THAN ZERO (Andrew McCarthy and Jami Gertz, 1987), and ATONEMENT (Keira Knightly and James McAvoy, 2007).

9. On the staircase in THE THOMAS CROWN AFFAIR (1999)
What do movies have against beds? In the alternate reality on-screen, it’s not only possible but actually orgasmic to do it in awkward positions on hard, unforgiving surfaces like a piano (PRETTY WOMAN, 1990), a subway car (RISKY BUSINESS, 1983), a kitchen table (THE POSTMAN ALWAYS RINGS TWICE, 1981) and, in the prize-winning scene from THE THOMAS CROWN AFFAIR: on a cold, marble staircase.

For bonus points, THE THOMAS CROWN AFFAIR also features sex on a marble floor and sex on a wooden desk piled high with books.

8. The bathroom quickie in UNFAITHFUL (2002)
How many women do you know who can have a zero-to-sixty quickie orgasm without the aid of a Hitachi Magic Wand? And how many women do you know who can pull this off in a cramped public bathroom stall in a New York City restaurant?

Sure, we get that it’s a turn-on to do it in semi-public while a bunch of ladies-who-lunch are waiting for you to join them, but we’re just not buying her insta-orgasm over a toilet. The UNFAITHFUL scene, starring Diane Lane and Olivier Martinez, gets bonus points because they’re standing up (see #1).

Runner-up: Timothy Olyphan’s quickie sex against the bathroom sink with a female party guest (he rams away for a few thrusts and she climaxes) in CATCH AND RELEASE (2006).

7. The cheerleader roleplaying scene in A HISTORY OF VIOLENCE (2005)
Only professional actors — in this case, Maria Bello and Viggo Mortensen — could maintain the kind of straight face and suspension of disbelief required to make this scene so hot. And we admit it: it’s freakin’ hot. (So sue us, we don’t always need our movie sex scenes to be realistic.) But the chances of two normal, mortal, middle-aged beings pulling off a 69 while one of them is dressed in her high school cheerleading outfit? Slim to none.

Runner up: Jennifer Lopez and George Clooney in OUT OF SIGHT (1998), pretending that he’s not a thief and she’s not a federal marshal so they can do it. (Because in real life, most of us are pretending to be the thief or the federal marshal… or we’re pretending to be Clooney and Lopez.)

6. Britney Spears loses her virginity in CROSSROADS (2002)
It’s simultaneously sweet and hilarious: Spears’ character and her boyf do that classic, only-in-Hollywood, orgasmic hand thing: the camera focuses on both of their hands reaching out and coming together in a metaphor for (we assume) simultaneous orgasm and/or a melding of souls. On your first time? We wouldn’t put money on it. Plus, Britney Spears as a virgin? Please.

Runner-up: Liv Tyler loses her virginity to her hottie Italian summer fling in STEALING BEAUTY (1996). Bonus points because they do it on a picnic blanket under a tree and no one gets poison ivy or mosquito bites on their butt.

Read the rest of the list on SUNfiltered



Top 10 Transgender Films

May 16, 2012

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In honor of¬†TRANSGENERATION¬†airing Tuesdays at 10p on Sundance Channel, we wanted to curate a screening list of the best transgender-themed flicks out there. In order to make our list, the films in question had to feature a sympathetic portrayal of a transgendered character in a leading role — hence PSYCHO and SILENCE OF THE LAMBS did not make the cut. No, the following films are all thoughtful, moving depictions of people struggling through life — people who are human first, transgendered second.

10. Orlando (1992)
Of all the films in this Top 10, this is the most figurative interpretation of transexuality: Sally Potter’s adaptation of Virginia Woolf’s novel of the same name follows the immortal life of a young nobleman in Elizabethan times who, a few centuries later, wakes up one morning as a woman. Deliciously androgynous Tilda Swinton plays the title character and British dandy Quentin Crisp, the “queen of queens,” plays an elderly Queen Elizabeth I. While it wasn’t widely embraced at the time of its release, its visually stunning examination of gender identity earned a theatrical rerelease in 2010 by Sony Pictures Classics.

9. Normal (2003)
This HBO film starring powerhouses Jessica Lange and Tom Wilkinson tells the story of a married man who, after 25 years of marriage, wants to undergo¬†sexual reassignment surgery. It became an official selection at the Sundance Film Festival that year and was nominated for a bunch of Golden Globes and¬†Emmys. According to IMDB, “Tom Wilkinson chose not to do any research into the subject of transgenderism, as he felt that a¬†mid-Western farmer wouldn’t know anything about the subject either.”8. The Crying Game (1992)
While it’s been criticized for reinforcing societal norms rather than challenging them (since we never really get inside the heart and mind of Dil, the¬†transgendered character), THE CRYING GAME made the cut for this list because of its critical acclaim. It was nominated for all the Oscar biggies — Best¬†Picture, Best Director, Best Actor, Best Supporting Actor (for Dil’s portrayal), Best Original Screenplay — and won for its script. Kind of a big deal for a movie with a¬†transgendered main character¬†made¬†over 20 years ago, in 1992. Plus, the movie song of the same title was recorded by Boy George, one of the greatest¬†gender-benders of all time.

7. Breakfast on Pluto (2005)
Neil Jordan, who directed THE CRYING GAME, adapted this novel for the screen and cast Cillian Murphy as Patrick “Kitten” Braden, an Irish¬†transgendered kid coming of age in 1970s London. Also starring Liam Neeson and Stephen Rea (natch), the film was nominated for Golden Globe’s Best Actor in¬†a Musical or Comedy, and won Best Actor, Best Script and Best Director at The Irish Film & Television Awards.

6. Transamerica (2005)
Felicity Huffman of DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES fame received a lot of praise — including an Oscar nomination and a Golden Globe nomination for best actress — for her portrayal of a pre-operative transsexual woman on a road trip with her long-lost son. In an interview with¬†TotalFilm.com, she admitted to calling her prosthetic penis “Andy.”


This Is What Feminist Porn Looks Like

May 3, 2012

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Readers are constantly writing to us for advice on the Porn Issue in their relationship. Typically, women write in to say, “Why is my boyfriend so into porn and how can I get him to stop?” And typically, men write in to say, “Why does my girlfriend have such a problem with me watching porn?” Less often, a woman will say, “How can I find porn that doesn’t annoy me or make me laugh so hard I snort my soda or enrage my inner feminist?” And a guy might ask, “How can I find porn that my girlfriend will enjoy watching with me?” To all of these people we say — amongst other things — find better porn. Of course, “better” is fairly subjective, but anything advertising itself as “feminist porn” is a good step in the right direction. And guys, before you roll your eyes and assume that feminist porn just means a lot of hand-holding and meaningful eye contact, think again.¬†If you want to find out more, a good place to start is the winners of the 2012 Feminist Porn Awards.

Read the rest of this post on SUNfiltered



The Top 10 Effed-Up Sex Scenarios of David Lynch

May 3, 2012

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Photo credit: MoviesAndSongs365

Never let it be said that David Lynch takes sex lightly. To quote the man himself: “Certain aspects of sex are troubling — the way it’s used as power, for instance, or the way it takes the form of perversions that exploit other people.” And those “certain aspects” seem to be the only ones that interest him. In Lynch’s world, no one has glamorized, Hollywood-ized, unrealistic sex. ‚ÄúSex is a doorway to something so powerful and mystical,” said Lynch once, “but movies usually depict it in a completely flat way.‚ÄĚ And by “flat” he either means more fake than a declaration of true love on THE BACHELOR or else totally devoid of female subjugation, exploitation and masochism.¬†Whatever the case may be, the kind of sex his characters have — and the kind of sex his movies deal with — are best described as simply¬†Lynchian, a term which has been defined as “having the same balance between the macabre and the mundane.” ¬†This top 10 list, in chronological order, should help further explain:

1. Lynch dealt with amputee fetishism way before it was cool. In his 1974 short, THE AMPUTEE, a legless woman (the Log Lady from TWIN PEAKS!) writes an emotional (love?) letter which we hear her reading in her head very¬†unemotionally while a (transvestite?) nurse played by Lynch himself changes her dressings. Some kind of liquid (her emotion?) starts pouring out of one of her legs. Yep, it’s gross. But so is love sometimes.

2. In the surrealist ERASERHEAD (1977), David Lynch’s first feature film, sex is not much fun at all. Reproduction is handled by The Man in the Planet who pulls a bunch of levers to produce deformed babies (no thanks to the Lady in the Radiator embodying the spirit of the Nonoxynol-9 and stomping on sperm cells). Getting laid is a shameful activity that you will eventually be punished for. Raising a baby kills your sex life (okay, maybe that part isn’t all that surreal). Infidelity with your sexy neighbor kills your marriage. (Ditto.) Oh, and your baby may or may not resemble an overgrown penis and therefore your own fucked-up sexuality. As one film critic puts it, “Similar to uncontrollable sexual urges, the baby-penis constantly demands attention from Henry who becomes its slave. Henry realises that he must kill the baby-penis in an act of self-castration to rid himself of his loathed sexuality. The baby-penis is the centre of the world created by unnatural sexuality, hence its destruction obliterates the world of ERASERHEAD.” Well, it’s a hell of a lot more realistic than the sex scenes in your average Hollywood rom-com.

3. BLUE VELVET (1986): Five words for you: “Mommy…baby wants to fuck.” Nuff said.

4. In WILD AT HEART (1990), young lovers Lula and Sailor (Laura Dern and Nicolas Cage) are on the run from a bunch of misfts hired by Lula’s mom to kill Sailor — she doesn’t want her daughter sleeping with him because he just got out of prison. And maybe also because he throws around lines like, “Man, I had a boner with a capital ‘O.’” At one point Lula says — in what could be a tagline for Lynchian sex — “This whole world’s wild at heart and weird on top.” We’re not sure which is more depressing: the idea that young lust and young love are no match for all the violence in the world or that Nicolas Cage later went on to make doozies like THE WICKER MAN and CAPTAIN CORELLI’S MANDOLIN. But we¬†do¬†know what’s most disturbing: the “fuck me” scene with Dern, Willem Dafoe and one gnarly set of false teeth.

5. Only Lynch could get a two-season prime time television show on network TV that’s basically centered around the the murder of a homecoming queen (Laura Palmer) committed by hew own father after years of him raping her. Talk about “feel good”! But you gotta love a man who can swing highbrow and low with his sex references — he named his series (and the fictional Pacific northwestern town it takes place in) TWIN PEAKS (1990), a pun that would be right at home in the movie AIRPLANE. Bonus points for naming the the evil spirit that possessed Laura Palmer’s father simply “Bob.”

Read the rest of the list on SUNfiltered — it just gets creepier!