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Christina Aguilera Replaces “Vajayjay” with “Woohoo”

May 11, 2010

1 Comment

We’re predicting the big pop hit of the summer is here — and it’s a going to be an anthem for girls nights out all over the country. For Christina Aguilera’s new song “Woohoo” featuring Nicki Minaj (from her album Bionic out this June) is all about the joys of cunnilingus. Best line ever: “All the boys think it’s cake when they taste my (woohoo), you don’t even need a plate, just your face, ha.” Ha indeed! Of course, “all the boys” sounds like she’s open for a booming business — and you know, you’ve got to be careful about STDs even with cake tasting (oral herpes can become genital herpes like that!). We also must take issue with a few of the other lines: “I’m a little tipsy, play along with me” suggests women can’t be proud of their vulvas and want them pleasured exclusively unless they’re drunk. Ugh. “I know I probably shouldn’t but uhh I’m feeling good” suggests that good girls shouldn’t enjoy receiving oral attention, since that would be so unladylike. Ugh. That said, the overall message of the song — if you dare to think of this as a “One To Grow On” moment — is that women enjoy and deserve oral sex too. For far too long there’s been an imbalance, especially among young sexually active people, to think fellatio is de rigueur and cunnilingus is de gross. Here’s hoping this song, in all it’s crassness, helps even the playing field. Woohoo!

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Top 10 Songs About Bad Sex

May 6, 2010

9 Comments

There are plenty of bad songs about sex — and we’re guessing that they’re in heavy rotation when any cast member of Jersey Shore hooks up. But there are some truly excellent songs about bad sex. Here are a few lyric excerpts from some of our favorites (with thanks to our readers on Facebook and Twitter for help compiling this; although to the reader who nominated “Prostatic Fluid Asphyxiation” by Whitechapel — er, thanks, but no thanks). Let’s see if we can get up to 25, or even 100 — put your other suggestions in the comments section below!

1. “Do You Remember the First Time” by Pulp

You say you’ve got to go home
‘Cause he’s sitting on his own again this evening
And I know you’re gonna let him bore your pants off again
Oh now it’s half past eight, you’ll be late

You say you’ve never been sure
Though it makes good sense for you to live together
Still you bought a toy that can reach the places he never goes
And now it’s getting late, he’s so straight

2. “Please Please Me” by the Beatles [Rumor has it this was written for Lennon's wife Cynthia, who was apparently not very giving in the oral sex department. We'll never hear the line "Why do you make me blue?" quite the same way again.]

Last night I said these words to my girl
I know you never even try girl
Come on, come on, come on, come on,
Please please me oh yeah like I please you.
You don’t need me to show the way love
Why do I always have to say love
Come on, come on, come on, come on,
Please please me oh yeah like I please you.
I don’t want to sound complaining
But you know there’s always rain in my heart.
I do all the pleasing with you
It’s so hard to reason with you.
Oh yeah why do you make me blue.

3. “Stutter” by Elastica [Or, as we like to call it, Ballad of the Whiskey Dick.]

No need to whine, boy
Like a wind-up toy you stutter at my feet
And it’s never the time, boy
You’ve had too much wine to stumble up my street
Well it isn’t a problem
Nothing we can’t keep between the sheets
Tell me you’re mine, love
And I will not wait for other bedtime treats

Is there something you lack
When I’m flat on my back
Is there something that I can do for you?
It’s always something you hate
Or it’s something you ate
Tell me is it the way that I touch you?
Have you found a new mate
And is she really great
Is it just that I’m much too much for you?

Don’t feed me a line, boy
I can hear that voice you use upon the phone
And there’s no need to be coy
That is something you can do upon your own
Well it isn’t problem
Nothing we can’t solve so just relax
Am I on the wrong train, love
And will I have to tie you to the tracks

Is there something you lack
When I’m flat on my back
Is there something that I can do for you?
It’s always something you hate
Or it’s something you ate
Tell me is it the way that I touch you?
Have you found a new mate
And is she really great
Is it just that I’m much too much for you?

4. “Pour Some Sugar on Me” by Def Leppard [Okay, we think that someone accidentally nominated this as a bad song about sex, but (a) we happen...okay Em happens to love it, especially at karaoke bars, and (b) we think the sex described in this song sounds both unpleasantly sticky and also totally unsatisfying to the female participant. Unless of course they were talking about female ejaculation, but that was probably too advanced for the 80s.]

Take a bottle, shake it up
Break the bubble, break it up

Pour some sugar on me, ooh, in the name of love
Pour some sugar on me, c’mon fire me up
Pour your sugar on me, oh, I can’t get enough
I’m hot, sticky sweet from my head to my feet yeah

You gotta squeeze a little, squeeze a little, tease a little more
Easy operator come-a-knockin’ on my door
Sometime, anytime, sugar me sweet
Little miss innocent sugar me, yeah
Give a little more

5. “Not Big” by Lily Allen [As she said when she introduced the song in concert, "We've always got our fingers, ladies."]

Now listen I think you and me have come to the end of our time,
What do you want some kind of reaction?
Well, OK, that’s fine,
Alright, how would it make you feel if I said you never made me cum?
In the year and a half that we spent together,
Yeah, I never really had much fun.

All those times that I said I was sober,
Well I’m afraid I lied,
I’d be lying next to you, you next to me,
All the while I was high as a kite.
I could see it in your face as you break it to me gentle,
Yeah, you really must think you’re great,
Let’s see how you feel in a couple of weeks,
When I work my way through your mates.

I never wanted it to end up this way,
You’ve only got yourself to blame,
I’m gonna tell the world you’re rubbish in bed now
And that you’re small in the game.

I saw you thought this was gonna be easy,
Well, you’re out of luck.
Yeah, let’s rewind, let’s turn back time to when you couldn’t get it up,
You know what it should’ve ended there,
That’s when I should’ve shown you the door.
As if that weren’t enough to deal with,
You became premature.

I’m sorry if you feel that I’m being kinda mental,
But you left me in such a state.
But now I’m gonna do what you did to me,
Gonna reciprocate.

You’re not big, you’re not clever,
No, you ain’t a big brother
Not big what so ever.

6. “Minnesoter” by Dandy Warhols

Yeah, I could rock her
Like a doctor
If I found a way to get her off first
I could own her, the crazy loner,
If I found my way to Minnesoter.

In a slumber, I’m sawing lumber
I saw my baby dance a Latin
number with her shirt off
Man her skin’s soft
But in a mood she`d rather
if I jerked off.

7. “Jizz in My Pants” by The Lonely Island, featured on Saturday Night Live

Lock eyes from across the room
Down my drink, while the rhythms boom
Take your hand and skip the names
No need here for the silly games
Make our way through the smoke and crowd
The club is the sky and I’m on your cloud
Move in close as the lasers fly
Our bodies touch and the angels cry
Leave this place go back to yours
Our lips first touch outside your doors
A whole night what we’ve got in store
Whisper in my ear that you want some more
And I jizz in my pants

This really never happens you can take my word
I won’t apologize, that’s just absurd
Mainly your fault from the way that you dance
And now I jizz in my pants

Don’t tell your friends or I’ll say you’re a slut
Plus it’s your fault, you were rubbing my butt
I’m very sensitive, some would say that’s a plus
Now I’ll go home and change

8. “Not Fair” by Lily Allen [This woman has made the bad sex revenge song an art form.]

Oh, he treats me with respect,
He says he loves me all the time,
He calls me 15 times a day,
He likes to make sure that I’m fine,
You know I’ve never met a man,
Whose made me feel quite so secure,
He’s not like all them other boys,
They’re all so dumb and immature.

There’s just one thing,
That’s getting in the way,
When we go up to bed you’re just no good,
It’s such a shame!
I look into your eyes,
I want to get to know you,
And then you make this noise,
and its apparently it’s all over

Oh you’re supposed to care,
But you never make me scream,
You never make me scream,

Oh it’s not fair,
And it’s really not ok,
It’s really not ok,
It’s really not ok,

Oh you’re supposed to care,
But all you do is take,
Yeah, all you do is take.

I lay here in this wet patch
in the middle of the bed,
I’m feeling pretty damn hard done by
I spent ages giving head.

Then I remember all the nice things
that you’ve ever said to me,
maybe I’m just over reacting
maybe you’re the one for me.

9. “Walk of Shame” by Shayna Ferm and the Upper Deckers

You gotta walk off the walk of shame
still can’t remember his name
and you hope he lost your number
and that he used a rubber
walk walk walk of shame
girl, girl

Remember that guy with the lazy eye
who was dancin’ so close
the one with that banana in his pocket
that your friends said was really gross
you let him buy you another mai tai
and then you showed him your boobs
now you’re walkin’ home thinkin’ ’bout quittin’ drinkin’
and you’re singin’ yourself this tune

You lost all your pride
girl you ain’t got no ride
walk walk walk of shame
still can’t remember his name
it’s a cold and lonely mornin’
people drivin’ by and pointin’

10. The Bad in Bed Song

You’re the worst sex I ever had
It was so fucking bad
You could never find my clit
Even if i drew a map to it

There were other problems too…
How you wouldn’t let me touch your Jewfro
I should have seen that warning
How your hair had to be all perfect
Cause you were filming in the morning

Yeah, you’re a big fat star
Everybody knows who you are
You probably fucked every girl in this bar…poorly!

Don’t push my head down there
Cause baby I’m telling you, that’s a lot of hair
Try Nair
Or we’ll give you a buzz cut
Ooooh ooh try Nair

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One-Night Stand Wisdom from ’80s Song Lyrics

March 29, 2010

6 Comments

When we published “How to Greet a Former One-Night Stand” on our site last week, Madamoiselle L suggested the worst way ever to do so: “Hey, how are you doing? Oh, I’d like you to meet your son.” To which Spes responded, “Wasn’t there an ’80s song about that?” Reader SS to the rescue! “Googling this was much more fun than folding laundry,” posted SS, “which is what I’m supposed to be doing.” So here, thanks to SS (and Madamoiselle L and Spes for the inspiration), are the weirdest — or, at least, most specific — lyrics about a one-night stand that we’ve ever heard. Our favorite part? The nifty foreshadowing in the note she leaves on the night-stand. Our least favorite? The unprotected sex with a stranger part. Oh, the ’80s! So… who can top this? Post your favorite one-night stand songs and lyrics in the comments section below…

“All I Wanna Do Is Make Love to You” by Heart

It was a rainy night
When he came into sight,
Standing by the road,
No umbrella, no coat.
So I pulled up alongside
And I offered him a ride.
He accepted with a smile,
So we drove for a while.
I didn’t ask him his name,
This lonely boy in the rain.
Fate, tell me it’s right,
Is this love at first sight?
Please don’t make it wrong,
Just stay for the night.

All I wanna do is make love to you
Say you will
You want me too
All I wanna do is make love to you
I’ve got lovin’ arms to hold on to

So we found this hotel,
It was a place I knew well
We made magic that night.
Oh, he did everything right
He brought the woman out of me,
So many times, easily
And in the morning when he woke all
I left him was a note
I told him
I am the flower you are the seed
We walked in the garden
We planted a tree
Don’t try to find me,
Please don’t you dare
Just live in my memory,
You’ll always be there

All I wanna do is make love to you
One night of love was all we knew
All I wanna do is make love to you
I’ve got lovin’ arms to hold on to

Oh, oooh, we made love
Love like strangers
All night long
We made love

Then it happened one day,
We came round the same way
You can imagine his surprise
When he saw his own eyes
I said please, please understand
I’m in love with another man
And what he couldn’t give me
Was the one little thing that you can

All I wanna do is make love to you
One night of love was all we knew
All I wanna do is make love to you
Come on say you will, you want me too

All I wanna do is make love to you
One night of love was all we knew

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The Wisdom of John Mayer, Tweeted

January 19, 2010

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photo by Patty Keigan

Say what you will about John Mayer’s music — here marks the spot where Lo censored Em’s compliments about “Your Body Is a Wonderland” as a matter of principle — his Tweets are some of the funniest in the biz. (Okay, so he doesn’t have a lot of competition. Britney Spears: “How’s everyone’s 2010 going so far?”) Anyway, love him or hate him — or, most likely, a combination of the two — we thought you’d appreciate some of his Tweet-wisdom (twisdom?) on the topics of love, sex, bodily functions, and other important stuff. Here are a dozen of our favorites from the last month or so — you can follow him yourself at Twitter.com/JohnCMayer:

  1. What 1 area of your body gets touched the least? I’m going to guess sub-scrotal flange, but it could also be knee cleavage.
  2. If you call a girl 62 times and she’s sleeping, does it read in the morning as one missed call or 62? Asking for a friend.
  3. Waitresses of Vegas, be advised: I have no wife, children or endorsements. In other words, I have nothing to offer you.
  4. I wish I could take all you lonely hearts to a movie tonight. Maybe some Chinese food. Nothing crazy. [Tweeted Christmas Eve]
  5. It’s never the part of the karaoke where you’re singing. It’s the long instrumentals/solos that make you feel like a jack’s ass.
  6. I need to get back into the gym. I’m all for having boobs against my chest but not when they’re mine.

Read the rest of this list at SUNfiltered



What’s Your Favorite Music to Screw to?

December 17, 2009

45 Comments

record_player_vinyl_musicphoto by Orin Zebest

Our Top 100 Breakup Songs post continues to be such a favorite on our site that we decided to call on you for more musical suggestions: This time your favorite songs and/or albums to have sex to. Leave your suggestions in the comments section below, and be sure to tell us what kind of sex the song is good for — slow, teary, face-holding love-making? Quickie sex? Ex sex? One-night stand sex? Kinky sex? Etc. We’ll compile and publish our favorites in the new year. Happy screwing!



The 50 Best Songs for Your Holiday Party Playlist

November 30, 2009

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holiday_songs_hotel_cafe_421

Last year we threw a holiday party and wanted to avoid the season’s musical dead horses. Don’t get us wrong: we’re suckers for anything Burl Ives or Andy Williams around this time of year, but for a festive get-together of friends we wanted something slightly more unexpected: a mix of both new and old but not too traditional. We spent a loooooong time searching the internet and our music files for the best ear tinsel, weeding out the downer or jarring numbers from each album, to create the perfect 50-song, 2-and-a-half hour holiday party mix (well, perfect for us). So consider this our gift to you — let us know what we forgot…and what you’d like to return. (FYI: Songs are ordered by album, but you’d just hit “shuffle”):

Read the full 50-song list here on SUNfiltered