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The Best (Most Affordable) Valentine’s Day Present You Can Give

January 31, 2014

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Here are the top 10 reasons why our award-winning book 150 Shades of Play: A Beginner’s Guide to Kink makes the best Valentine’s Day present:

  1. It gives you the great excuse to try something new in the bedroom — perfect for longterm couples on Valentine’s Day.
  2. It also has staying power. The perspectives it can give you on kinky sex can inspire your sex lives for years to come. It’s the gift that keeps on giving!
  3. It’s a great time killer while¬†Fifty Shades of Grey fans wait for the movie version to come out next year. The book helps put such a huge cultural phenomenon into perspective, in a way that’s fun and flirty (and actually well written).
  4. It helps round out a nice gift basket of treats for Valentine’s Day: chocolates for your sweetie’s sweet tooth, roses for romance, and 150 Shades of Play for playtime! (Way better than some ill-fitting lingerie they’ll never wear.)
  5. Even if your partner doesn’t love it, you can pass it off as a gag gift that makes a great bathroom book. Just turn to the entry on ¬†pony-play!
  6. The lighthearted tone of 150 Shades of Play takes some of the pressure off of you two to perform (unlike the gift of, say, a strap-on dildo).
  7. It’s a great way to give your partner hints about what you’d like to try…just happen to leave a bookmark or post-it next to a section that catches your interest, then leave the book on their pillow/night-stand. Or just get the book for yourself, read up on some tips and techniques before Valentine’s Day, and then wow your luvva with your amazing new moves!
  8. Not only can it improve your sex life, it can improve your social life! You can enliven future cocktail parties with some of the trivia you’ll learn from 150 Shades of Play:¬†Did you know that we get the term “masochist” from Leopold Ritter von Sacher-Masoch, the author of the 1870 novel Venus in Furs? Both he and his main character got off on being degraded by dominant women wearing fur. And that’s one to grow on!
  9. Not only is it affordable, IT’S ON SALE FOR LESS THAN $10! ¬†You get so much — 230 pages of well-researched history, fascinating cultural information, good sexual advice, precise technical instruction, cool illustrations, and side-splitting humor (basically everything that wasn’t in Fifty Shades) — for so little: dollars less, in fact, than what 8 measly pieces of Godiva chocolates costs!
  10. Not only will you be giving your partner/friend/friend-with-benefits a great gift, you’ll be giving us a gift too: By buying our book, you will literally help keep this site up and running. So won’t you please be our Valentine?

150 Shades of Play is available on Amazon.com
Visit 150ShadesOfPlay.com for more information about our book, including excerpts and praise from actual celebrities.



10 Thoughts on The Wolf of Wall Street

January 28, 2014

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photo via IMDB

1. Not since Requiem for a Dream have drugs looked so unfun.

2. This was billed as a black comedy. Which part was supposed to be funny, again?

3. Okay, so the part where Jonah Hill whips out his (prosthetic) dong in the middle of a party and starts jacking off to a female guest was kind of funny, but only because we think that Jonah Hill is the kind of guy who would never do something like this, which means it’s kind of funny to think of him filming the scene with a straight face. (Alright, alright, the scene where a stockbroker makes fun of Steve Madden shoes is kind of funny, too.)

4. We don’t have the same warm fuzzy feelings about Leonardo DiCaprio and the ladies, which makes his performance extra, er, convincing (you’re totally right: we mean extra icky).

5. Apparently, back in the ’80s, pro dommes didn’t take safewords seriously.

6. “Wolfie” is a terrible safeword.

7. The scenes of DiCaprio and Hill doing drugs together are a hell of a lot more intimate than any of the sex scenes.

8. If you’re whacked out on quaaludes, cocaine can instantly transform you into the kind of hero who saves his buddy’s life via mouth-to-mouth resuscitation (see #7, above). Just like Popeye’s spinach!

9. STDs used to be a lot funnier.

10. Not since The Accused has sex looked so unfun.

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Top 5 Love Lessons from The Bachelor (Juan Pablo, Ep 4)

January 28, 2014

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photo courtesy of ABC/Christopher Jue

  1. When your date confides in you about their terrible, deadbeat, alcoholic father who abandoned them, do NOT respond with, “Wow, that must have been so difficult for your father.” The appropriate response is, “Wow, that must have been so difficult for your YOU.”
  2. Don’t tell your date what you think they want to hear — be honest about your thoughts, opinions, desires, and doubts (like Opera Singer/Child-Hater Sharleen).
  3. Similarly, desperation and over-enthusiasm will not work in your favor. Be cool, calm, collected and — while we’re at it — cautious and maybe even a little coy (again, like Can-I-Even-Be-Bothered-To-Be-Here Sharleen).
  4. On a date, don’t be a narc and whine about your fellow human beings. Narcs never get the rose. (Ahn-nyoung, Elise.)
  5. If you’re interested in kissing your date, don’t lead with “Do you know what happened earlier? I threw up in my mouth a little, but then I swallowed it.” (Somehow this worked for Claire, but it will NOT work for you.)

Finally, not a tip, but an observation: Kelly the “Dog Lover” should get her own Bachelor spin-off show, maybe an online series doing post-show commentary, because that woman has the best one-liners and zingers of the season. (On Claire making a big deal about eating a little tiny piece of South Korean octopus: “I know she’s swallowed bigger than that”; while doing an impersonation of Claire eating said octopus: “Oh my god, this is the most I’ve eaten in two weeks!”) Seriously, she’s making “The Bachelor” bearable this year.

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Which Disney Princess Are You? (Em & Lo Style)

January 27, 2014

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Results from the Zimbio quiz “Which Disney Princess Are You?” have been popping up in our Facebook feed this week. Most of them are as saccharine and subtly sexist as the Disney movies themselves:

They’re just begging for a more honest edit, with a little tough love thrown in — one that reflects the disturbing messages about gender roles, romantic relationships and beauty often perpetuated by the Disney Princess Industrial Complex. Feel free to forward the following to any one of your friends who’s taken the quiz so they can read their real results:

 

 

 

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Blog Snog: The Ultimate Breakup Playlist

January 24, 2014

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Top 5 Love Lessons from The Bachelor (Juan Pablo, Ep 3)

January 21, 2014

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photo courtesy of ABC/Rick Rowell

  1. Date location don’ts: cold and dirty city harbors (that you intend to¬†swim in), sport stadium hot dog kitchens (that you intend to make out in), and bungee-jumping bridges next to busy 8-lane freeways.
  2. If you put just the tip in, it doesn’t count. We’re of course talking about putting just the tip of your shoe into the air off the bungee-jumping platform. (Is this season one big metaphor for date rape or what?)
  3. Makeup is fun and glamorous and, often times, pure magic. But it is NOT a necessity. A relationship in which you cannot let your partner see you “without your face on” is not one built on honesty or openness.
  4. Don’t take dating advice from your mom. Even if she’s dead.
  5. If you are a single dad dating 25 women at the same time, making out with many of them in a single group date, and frolicking around with them in their skimpy bathing suits at a pool party — all on national television — then you probably shouldn’t judge the appropriateness of other adults’ love lives. Homophobia and hypocrisy ain’t sexy.

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Hot & Cheap: How to Make a Home-Cooked Meal for a Dollar!

January 17, 2014

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Being able to cook is traditionally seen as sexy, but frugality? Not so much. But when you save money on food, think of all that leftover moolah you can apply to romantic dinners out, just-because gifts, and sex toy upgrades!

When we think of sexiness and frugality, we think of Jack Murnighan. We used to work with him back in the early days of Nerve.com. He was a PhD student of medieval literature who penned the column “Jack’s Naughty Bits,” in which he would eloquently introduce the raunchiest bits from the cannon. His voice was deep and smooth like butter. He danced at all those fabulous late-90s internet-boom parties with the sensuality of Sally Rand. And he drank four-day old coffee without shame — indeed, with pride.

Lo and Jack were roommates for five minutes and he would come home from Chinatown with a bag overflowing with exotic (or frightening, depending on your sensibilities)…ingredients? Yes, let’s go with ingredients. All for less than a dollar! No exaggeration. Then he’d make magic in our teeny tiny kitchen and have himself a feast within minutes. As an undaring vegetarian, I was spared many of his zanier experiments, but I could still appreciate the game he was mastering way back when: making interesting, satisfying, home-cooked meals for next to nothing.

Jack is now an executive at Disney (Nerve.com > Babble.com > Disney) where they’ve¬†helped him launch his own online video series called DOLLAR MEALS, which he describes as “gourmandise on the super-cheap.” It’s been a long time coming. He’s as cute as ever, with a voice that’s still as smooth as butter, and he can cut the fat off pork with the sensuality of Sally Rand. Watch, learn, eat, enjoy!

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Blog Snog: Your Relationship Is an Oscar Movie (in GIFS!)

January 17, 2014

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Top 5 Kinds of “Porn” That Should Exist (If They Don’t Already)

January 16, 2014

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Real estate porn, food porn, weather porn, disaster porn, gastro-porn, travel porn… doesn’t anyone watch plain ol’ porn anymore? According to the Oxford English Dictionary, this use of the term porn denotes “written or visual material that emphasizes the sensuous or sensational aspects of a non-sexual subject, appealing to its audience in a manner likened to the titillating effect of pornography.”

Along those lines, here are five kinds of porn we’d humbly like to propose. (And if any of them already exist, then the Internets is a stranger place than we realized.)

1. Doodie Porn. And NO, we don’t mean the 2 Girls, 1 Cup variety. We’re talking about when your poop is just so awesome that you have to take a picture and share it with the world — or, at the very least, call over your spouse/child to admire it. Why isn’t there a place to do this with strangers?

2. Dirty Laundry Pile Porn.¬†For you people who frequently look at the pile of dirty laundry in your house — or the pile of clean, crumpled laundry waiting to be folded — and think about how it defies laws of both gravity and logic (how can the amount of laundry in the pile exceed the total amount of clothes you own?!).

3. Zit-Popping Porn. For some people, zit-popping is a disgusting but necessary act of hygiene. For others it’s a sensual, intimate experience that they like to share with loved ones. Why not with strangers, too? (Requires animated GIFs, natch.) Related: Sunburnt Skin-Peeling Porn.

4. Snowman Porn. We don’t mean images of snowmen and -women getting it on, or snowmen with snowwillies and snowwomen with snowboobies (we have a feeling all of this already exists… not to mention the WTF carrot rape scene by the snowman in the movie Jack Frost). This is what we mean: People should spend more time admiring each other’s snow creations. And no, we’re not high, we just think this would make the world a nicer place.

5. Broken Heart Porn. Why don’t we spend more time gorging on other people’s heartbreak? We’re talking photo montages of post-breakup junk food diets; before-and-after images of breakup makeovers; heartwarming tales of¬†heartbreak-related weight loss; images of empty bathtubs where the heartbroken have slept; photos of empty boxes of cheap wine; links to post-breakup Netflix activity; transcripts of drunken booty texts to exes; and so on and on and on. This could make pretty much everyone — from the equally heartbroken to the bored to the smugly settled — feel a little better about themselves and their own situation. Which is more than we can say for most regular porn.

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Top 5 Love Lessons Learned from The Bachelor: Juan Pablo, Ep 2

January 14, 2014

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photo courtesy of ABC/Todd Wawrychuk

  1. Sensual massage and talk of the dearly departed do not mix.
  2. If someone on a date is pressuring you to do something that you don’t feel comfortable with, that goes against your values, and that you simply don’t want to do, then stand up for yourself and don’t do it! Knowing yourself and your boundaries is way sexier than being a wishy washy weakling. (Bonus tip: If you have a job that requires you to use debate skills — like, we don’t know, say, a trial lawyer? — then there’s no shame in employing some of those skills on a date to make your case. This does NOT, however, mean you should, under any circumstances, roleplay that you are actually doing your job — like, we don’t know, say, a local news reporter? –¬†in the middle of a date in an attempt to be playful, especially if you have not yet mastered the skills of said job.)
  3. Don’t be Drunk Girl from SNL: KNOW YOUR ALCOHOL LIMITS! Always. But especially on a first date.
  4. When you’re going to dump someone, don’t string them along with extended kindness, concern, and sympathy — it will only give them false hope. Be nice and gentle, but get to the point quickly. It’s like taking off a Bandaid: the longer you take to remove yourself fully from the relationship, the more it’s gonna hurt.
  5. If you do something dumb on a first date, don’t dwell on it on the second date. In fact, don’t even bring it up. Forget about it and move on…to the totally normal and not-at-all awkward rose ceremony portion of your second date.

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