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Our New Music Crush: Sharon Van Etten

May 20, 2014

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We were lucky enough to see Sharon Van Etten perform live a few weeks back… okay, just Em was: We’re not literally attached at the hip, though Em is sure Lo would have loved it, too. She manages to be both warm and even slightly dorky on stage, while simultaneously oozing rock star chic (all bangs in the face, no cleavage in sight) — and then she sings a love song that wrenches your heart out.

Her new album, “Are We There” (it’s her third), comes out on May 26th, and we can’t stop listening to the song on it called, “Every Time the Sun Comes Up.” The best couplet in the entire song was apparently a joke. Here are the lyrics:

I washed your dishes,
But I shit in your bathroom

It may not look like much on paper, but listen to the song (the video is above is from a live session at N.M.E. in London), or, better yet, hear her sing it live, and you’ll get why we’re crushing. According to an article in Pitchfork: “She says this is a joke that merely stayed in place — the product of a very late and giggly night in the studio with her band — but her willingness to allow it to become permanent is telling. Van Etten isn’t particularly interested in obscuring or mediating the grand mess of being alive.”

Her earlier albums — back when she was in a shittier, emotionally abusive relationship — addressed the pure terror of being in love. But then she fell in love with a bartender who was the only one listening to her set in a New York City bar a few years back, and she got a little more optimistic about love. The new album, according to Pitchfork, is about “being unafraid in love — about seeing love as a kind of high-stakes trust-fall, and screaming at the other person to just fucking fall already; then, the concomitant feeling, the fear of falling, the way it paralyzes you.”

We’ll drink to that!

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Top 5 Love Lessons from The Bachelorette (Andi, Ep 1)

May 20, 2014

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photo courtesy of ABC/Rick Rowell

  1. When on a date, follow the same rule of the writer: show, don’t tell. Do not say “I have a lot to offer” as your opening gambit. Prove it by being charming, smart, funny, compassionate and so on.
  2. Do not refer to your date as “ma’am” at any point, even if you’re just trying to be polite (we’re talking to you, “Yes ma’am” Marquel).
  3. Don’t have a type. As Andi wisely noted, she’s always been attracted to a particular type of guy but she’s still single, so it’s probably time to mix things up. Keeping an open mind when it comes to dating will only increase your chances of finding love.
  4. Know when to stop drinking on a first date. Did you notice all the guys drinking tea and coffee by the end of the evening? Now that’s refreshing.
  5. If you have to explain your name by saying “It’s ‘anal’ with an ‘m’,” have your name legally changed (we’re talking to you, Emil).

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6 Annoying Couple Habits and How to Break Them

May 16, 2014

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The Weirdest “Sex” Photos from Getty Images, Part 1

May 14, 2014

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When you do a search for “sex” on Getty Images, you get a lot of interesting results — so many, in fact, that we were compelled to launch a superlative series of Getty “sex” search images today. This inaugural installment highlights the weirdest — actually, there are so many we have to present them in two installments (stay tuned for Part 2 next week). And to be clear, we do not intend any negative judgment by our use of the word “weird,” we simply mean unusual, unexpected, curious, silly and/or wonderful. Enjoy!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tune in next week for Part 2 of Getty’s weirdest sex photos, and stay tuned for more of our Superlative Sex Series.

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I F’ed Up Royal: A Tale of Infidelity, Told in Stock Photography

May 13, 2014

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Our friend Ben Weber just added a second series to I F’ED UP ROYAL, his hilarious and strange webseries about marriage and infidelity, told entirely via stock photography and “repurposed” photos. Don’t worry if you’re not caught up — you can watch an entire season in less time than it takes you to do a 7-minute workout. Episode one, season one, is above; you can watch every episode here.

By the way, if Ben looks familiar to you, it might be because you still obsessively re-watch old episodes of Sex and the City (hi, Skippy, a.k.a. dude #11 on BuzzFeed’s ranking of the 107 men of Sex and City); it might be because you have a particular fondness for Oscar Mayer commercials; or you could simply be mistaking him for Tom Hanks (you can hire him for that).

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Blog Snog: Are You Dating a Mama’s Boy? (Take the Quiz!)

May 9, 2014

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New Erotica Book: Kresley Cole’s “The Professional”

May 9, 2014

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From #1 New York Times bestselling author Kresley Cole comes The Professional, the first installment in her “Game Maker” series, an erotica collection that features the intense love stories, the family dynamics, the alpha heroes and adventurous women that Cole is known for, except apparently with even more naughtiness! Below is an excerpt from The Professional; here’s the set up: 

When grad student Natalie Porter encounters the sexiest man she’s ever seen, a Russian named Aleksandr Sevastyan, he spurns her determined advances in public—only to abduct her from her Lincoln, Nebraska home later that night (when she’s wearing nothing but a short bathrobe!). He tells her that she’s the heir of a Russian mafiya billionaire, she’s in danger, and that Sevastyan himself will be her new bodyguard. Oh, and that he’s flying her to the motherland—immediately. At a small hidden airstrip, Natalie has second thoughts and runs from her towering protector….

…………………………………….

From Chapter 3 of

The Professional

by Kresley Cole

 

Corn leaves slapped my face, raking my hair. My bare feet kicked up loose soil.

How much of a head start had I managed? Was he already crashing behind me?

“Stop this, Natalie!”

I gave a cry. My God, he was fast! I’d felt like prey before; now I literally was. This man was running me down, bent on capturing me! I dug deeper, sprinting even faster—

One second I was fleeing at full speed, the next I was flying. He’d lunged for me, snagging me around the waist. At the last instant, he twisted and took the impact on his back, crushing stalks beneath us.

“Damn you! Let go of me!” I struggled against him. Like fighting a steel vise.

Before I could blink, he’d flipped me to my back onto a mat of leaves.

“Get off me!” I battered his chest with the bottoms of my fists.

Huge and furious above me, he wedged his hips between my legs, snagging my wrists in one big hand. “Do not ever run from me again.” The moon shone down on him, highlighting the tight lines of his face. He seemed to be grappling with his fury, drawing on some inner iron control.

“Let me go!”

Over the familiar scents of rich soil, fragrant crops, and cold night, I detected his scent: aggression and raw masculinity. His shirt had gaped open, and I could see more of his skin, with the edge of another tattoo just visible past the material.

“Sevastyan, release me. Please.”

At that word, his grip on my wrists loosened a degree. “I don’t want to hurt you,” he said in a gravelly voice. “Only to protect you.” Behind that inscrutable mask, so much was going on, but I could read so little.

Under the moonlight, his prominent cheekbones shaded his lean cheeks. His collar-length black hair gleamed like a raven’s feather, the ends tripping across his jawline. Wavering almost hypnotically.

“You must remain with me,” he grated, his gaze on my lips, his brows drawn tight. He looked like he was struggling not to kiss me.

Kiss? What was happening here? Confusion began to drown out my panic; I had nothing to draw on as a reference for my predicament—because I’d never been in a situation like this.

A sexual situation I didn’t control.

I was embroiled in dangerous circumstances with a mysterious stranger, but I felt no fear. I felt … anticipation. And I suspected the lack of control was fueling it.

Was danger turning me on? The tension between us seemed to shift; as smoothly as a machine switching gears, my confusion morphed into hazy heat. I hadn’t known I had this in me! Who am I??

When my gaze dropped, I spied the shadowy bulge in his pants. He wasn’t indifferent to me! He might’ve disdained me in the bar, but he couldn’t disguise his erection straining to be freed.

At the sight of it, arousal muddled my thoughts like a fog rolling into my mind. I’d heard the expression stupid with lust. I was getting there.

“Sevastyan?” That feeling of connection surged within me. Desire, need, and something more. “What do you want from me?”

No answer. All I could hear was our breaths.

In this position, he could unzip his fly and be inside me in a heartbeat’s time, covering me on the ground. Like animals in the dirt.

Him. Inside me. Here.

The mere thought made my body vibrate with a need so strong, I suspected I might allow him to do anything he wanted to me. My staggering level of arousal began to unnerve me more than this entire situation. I had no control with him, needed to get away!

I shook my head hard. “You let me go now.” I squirmed in his grip, digging my bare heels into the ground to propel myself back. Managed maybe a foot. I was furious—at him, at my out-of-control body. Another heel-digging lunge back.

With his free hand, he gripped my waist and yanked me back against him, forcing my thighs wider. His gaze descended, his eyes going wide before narrowing intently.

I felt cold air between my legs, just as I saw that my robe had come open at the belted waist. Everything below was exposed. My pale skin glowed in the moonlight, the trimmed thatch of red curls stark in comparison.

I was too stunned to react, pinned by his gaze. His lids grew heavy, his nostrils flaring. His broad chest seemed to struggle for breath. I was naked from the waist down but had no way to cover myself. I twisted my arms to free my wrists—until I saw that look of his.

Dark, hungry, molten. Dangerous. As before, I felt like his captured prey, his to enjoy.

My fury dwindled. When my body decided to soften beneath his, he gave a curt nod, as if I’d pleased him, and his free hand landed on my bare hip. Skin to skin. He groaned at the contact; I shivered from the electric heat of his rough palm. Hadn’t I imagined those hands kneading me everywhere?

Shaking, I watched as he straightened his ringed thumb from my hip until it reached my mons. He brushed the tip of his finger along the edge of my curls. It was so slow and unexpected, so tender, I couldn’t bite back a moan.

He touched me as if with … reverence.

I no longer saw signs of that iron control; instead he looked lost.

Like I probably looked in that moment.

I murmured, “Sevastyan?” as my hips rolled. “What are you doing to me?” He’d somehow spellbound me, making me feel empty and desperate.

Still riveted to my sex, he grated words in Russian, something about how he couldn’t be expected to deny himself in the face of this.

How no one should expect him to.

“The Professional” is on sale now.



The Top 10 Love Lessons of “Sixteen Candles”

May 8, 2014

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This week marks the 30th (!) anniversary of Sixteen Candles, one of the greatest teen movies of all time (right next to John Hughes’ other classic, The Breakfast Club). At a time when most high school/college movies were raunchy, sexist tales of young men’s pursuit of sexual conquests — think the Porky’s franchise, Losing It, The Last American Virgin, Class, Revenge of the Nerds, etc — Hughes upended the genre by focusing on romance and the female perspective (e.g. the obligatory secret shower scene is from Sam and her friend’s POV). And while some of the politically insensitive aspects of the film certainly don’t fly today (the racist portrayal of Asians, use of the word “fag” and “retarded”, the drunk driving, all the date-rape-y stuff), it still holds up as a realistic portrayal of love and longing in the time of hormones and high school — and serves as a guide for young people navigating the world of sex and romance:

  1. It’s worth it to set high standards for yourself when it comes to ideal partners — you actually have a chance, even if you feel like a snowball in hell (Sam crushing on Jake, The Geek crushing on Caroline).
  2. Teenage boys aren’t interested solely in sex: they’re just as interested in relationships as girls are. Neither gender should buy into the macho stereotype.
  3. Don’t get so wasted that you can’t remember whether or not you had sex (i.e. date raped someone OR got date raped) the night before — we’re talking to you Caroline and Farmer Ted.
  4. At sixteen, you should have a decent understanding of reproduction, intercourse, and safer sex to be able to answer the question “Have you ever done it?” confidently and accurately (e.g. “I don’t think so” should not be an option).
  5. Never do sexual charity work, i.e. giving your underpants to someone out of pity so they can pretend they hooked up with you.
  6. Don’t return someone’s panties to them as a romantic gesture, especially at the dinner table — it’s not romantic, it’s creepy.
  7. Violating your passed-out girlfriend ten different ways is not a hilarious, enviable option — it’s rape.
  8. If you need to take four muscle relaxers to get through your period and/or your wedding, you should probably go see a doctor and/or not get married.
  9. “That’s why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they’d call ‘em something else.” — words of wisdom spoken by Sam’s awesome dad.
  10. Fedoras are (still) hot.

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Discovered Awesome New Anal Lube #Blessed

May 6, 2014

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Gun Oil lube is available at GoodVibes.com
We laughed out loud at the recent NYT article poking fun at the many ways people use the hashtag “blessed” to describe strokes of luck or good fortune (and yes, the Styles section is one of our go-to reads on the weekend, we confess — especially since they started printing it on the less-newsprinty paper). “Here are a few of the ways that God has touched my social network over the past few months,” the article begins, and goes on to list spa retreats, high-end baby clothing, diamond engagement rings, birthday greetings on a Facebook wall, job promotions, front row seats at Fashion Week, invitations to give a TED Talk, and so on. In other words, #blessed is the new not-so-humble brag.

So we thought we’d put together our own imagined list of the top 10 most inappropriately dirty ways to shared your #blessings with the world. If any of you are brave-slash-stupid enough to post one of these to your Facebook or Twitter profile — with no qualifications! –and email us a screenshot to emlo at emandlo dot com, we will send you an appropriately dirty gift.

1. Discovered awesome new anal lube that lasts and lasts without feeling sticky. #blessed

2. Doc says it’s pubic dandruff, not crabs! #blessed

3. I’m receiving oral sex RIGHT NOW. #blessed

4. Morning wood Mondays! #blessed

5. Found and discreetly removed a dingleberry just before my partner rimmed me. #blessed

6. Just achieved a hands-free orgasm in cubicle by squeezing my thighs together. During a conference call. #blessed

7. Everything is awesome, especially simultaneous orgasms! #blessed

8. Lost my gut thanks to 7-minute workouts and now my penis looks bigger! #blessed

9. Accidentally emailed my sex tape to Mom but she said she couldn’t open the attachment. #blessed

10. My new vibrator is dishwasher-safe, so long as I place it in the top rack. #blessed

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Blog Snog: New Breakup Trend Is the Divorce Tattoo

May 2, 2014

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photo via Nerve


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