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Top 10 Love Lessons from “The Bachelorette” (Andi’s Fantasy Suites)

July 15, 2014

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We always look forward to the Fantasy Suite episodes — contestants get naked, both literally and figuratively, and shit gets real. The Bachelor or Bachelorette may or may not sleep with three hopefuls in three days — and it’s all made possible by the host-slash-pimp, Chris. Unless, of course, it’s Andi’s season, in which case you’ll find more sexual innuendo in the Lego movie. Last night’s episode was all about feeeeeeeeelings. Yawn.

Anyway, here are the top ten love lessons — note: no sex lessons — we managed to wring out of this :

1. When a date is telling you about the heartbreak he suffered after a woman broke off their engagement, this is probably a good time to take a break from the tortilla chips and give him your full attention. (That said: Was this a Bachelorette first, to witness a woman actually eating?!)

2. If you’re trying to convince someone that getting naked is the obvious next step in the relationship, don’t tell them that you have “a childlike sense of wonder” (serious lady boner killer, no?). In fact, never ever say something like this about yourself. Also, if your date suggests that the two of you spend the night together in a luxury hotel suite, just say yes. Do not say, “I can’t wait to talk your ear off all night, that’s the thing I’m most excited about.” And definitely do not add: “I’m long-winded!” Instead, say, “Of course!” and then grin adorably, eager as a black Lab puppy, and say, “It’s too easy!”

3. When someone tells you they love you, and admits to being terrified at saying this, do not pout your bottom lip and make a baby talk noise like this person is an adorable toddler who just pooped on the potty for the first time.

4. Dance like no one is watching, even if you’re being trailed by an invasive camera crew. Even if you move like a jock whose muscles are stiff from lifting too many weights.

5. Think twice about taking in a fireworks display right before you’re about to do it for the first time. All that heavy premature ejaculation symbolism might be more than your date can bear.

6. If your family is the thing your partner loves most about you, there’s probably not a lot of boot knocking in your future.

7. It’s one thing to play hide and seek with your date when you’re home visiting family and it’s a family tradition. But to suggest it a second time? In a field that looks itchy and bug-ridden? Consider your invite to the Fantasy Suite revoked!

8. We’re all for honesty during breakups, but there’s a level of extreme honesty that can be purely self-serving. Let’s say, for example, that there’s no way in hell you’d quit your fancy lawyer job to become a farmer’s wife in Iowa, and you find yourself with no romantic feelings for this farmer in question. It would be kind to focus on the Iowa farming part, no? That’s what we thought. When you say something like, “I have more respect for you than to blame it on Iowa,” are you really thinking of his feelings?

9. When you’re dumping someone and breaking their heart, do not weep so much that the heartbroken one is forced to comfort you, the dumper. Those tears are just to make you feel like a better person — they’re not helping the dumpee. Cut the tears and let them go. And when you’re the dumpee, do exactly as Chris did: Be brief, be honest, be dignified, and walk away. (Gentlemanly hand kiss entirely optional.)

10. And finally, we never thought we’d have to say this, but apparently we do: If you’re not yet ready to sleep with a new partner, then it’s definitely too early to share that story about how you wet the bed all the way up until fifth grade.

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Blog Snog: How to Tell If You’re a Bad Kisser

July 11, 2014

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photo via flickr


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The 10 Best “Sex” Photos from Getty Images (NSFW)

July 10, 2014

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When you do a search for “sex” on Getty Images, you get a lot of interesting results — so many, in fact, that we were compelled to create a superlative series of Getty “sex” search images. Today’s installment highlights the ones that were just generally about sex (though they might make their way into some of our other, more narrowly defined “best” lists). Enjoy!

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Top 5 Love Lessons from “The Bachelorette” (Andi on Hometown Dates)

July 8, 2014

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  1. When wooing someone — especially someone with an intellectual career — avoid these decidedly unsexy words and phrases: “it’s hard work,” “don’t be afraid to get your hands dirty,” “gumption,” “there’s no limits for a woman on a farm,” and “homemaker” (even if the person wouldn’t mind being a stay-at-home parent, there’s something so negatively old-fashioned about that word).
  2. Be aware of your “tells” on a date, e.g. a frowny-mouth relationship-barometer (the deeper the frown, the more turned off/disingenuous/full of it you are). Don’t give away your true feelings before you’ve given things a real chance. And if you have figured out your true feelings, then divulge them, don’t hide them behind your liar’s scowl.
  3. Don’t talk about your relationship like you’re doing a post-game interview: “I’ve worked hard for this, I’m ready for it, and I’m gonna give it 110%” (Josh).
  4. When you look exactly like your date’s mom and sister, consider that a HUGE red flag.
  5. Another HUGE red flag? When a close relative of your date tells you that his habit of “over-caring” can be totally “annoying.”  Cut bait asap, just like Andi did.

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Our Song of Summer: “Everyone Is Gay”

July 7, 2014

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We’re guessing the official Song of Summer this year is going to be Ariana Grande’s “Problem” featuring Iggy Azalea (though it could be Ed Sheeran’s “Sing,” or the adorable “Rude” by Magic!, or maybe Lana Del Rey’s “West Coast”, though Sia’s Chandelier would be a nice surprise, hopefully not the panderingly named “Summer” by Calvin Harris or the too slow “Stay” by Sam Smith…). But if we had to vote, we’d go for something totally unexpected: A Great Big World’s “Everyone Is Gay.” Sure, the video (which is really quite sweet) was released last year, but their megahit “Say Something” with Christina Aguilera is only dying down just now, finally. It’s about time another song off their 2014 album “Is There Anybody Out There?” got it’s day in the sun. There’s nothing particularly summery about “Everyone Is Gay” — it’s timeless and universal — but it’s upbeat, catchy and makes you want to do flips off the diving board:

“Everyone Is Gay”

If you’re gay then you’re gay
Don’t pretend that you’re straight
You can be who you are any day of the week
You are unlike the others
So strong and unique
We’re all with you

If you’re straight well that’s great
You can help procreate
And make gay little babies
For the whole human race
Make a world we can live in
Where the one who you love’s not an issue

‘Cause we’re all somewhere in the middle
And we’re all just looking for love to change the world
What if the world stops spinning tomorrow?
We can’t keep running away from who we are
If you’re gay then you’re gay
If you’re straight well that’s great
If you fall in between that’s the best way to be
You’ve got so many options
Every fish in the sea wants to kiss you

Awwww…

‘Cause we’re all somewhere in the middle
And we’re all just looking for love to change the world
What if the world stops spinning tomorrow?
We can’t keep running away from who we are
And we’re all here in it together

We’re one step closer to breaking down the walls
Everyone is gay

 

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Blog Snog: How “The Bachelorette” et al Are Ruining Your Love Life

July 3, 2014

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The Best Kisses from Getty Images, Part 2

July 2, 2014

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When you do a search for “sex” on Getty Images, you get a lot of interesting results — so many, in fact, that we were compelled to create a superlative series of Getty “sex” search images. Today’s installment is the second of a two-part series on their best kisses (Part 1 is here). Mwah!



Top 5 Love Lessons from “The Bachelorette” (Andi in Belgium)

July 1, 2014

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photo courtesy of ABC/Geert Vanden Wijngaert

  1. It’s honorable to take the process of falling in love seriously (Marcus), but would it kill you to crack a joke once in a while? There’s a reason why people rank “sense of humor” as one of the most important qualities they look for in a mate.
  2. To quote Nick: “You’ll never get what you want if you don’t ask for it.”
  3. Guys, it’s great to be in touch with your emotions and allow yourselves to cry, even publicly (Nick, Dylan) — sincerely — but now you’ve got to work on being able to express your emotions, whether good or bad, verbally. Tripping over your words (Nick), being uber-vague about your feelings (Nick, Josh) — these things are only mildly endearing for so long.
  4. Sour grapes aren’t very appealing. You can’t control how others (Nick) behave, you (all the other bachelors) can only control your own behavior and hope that it will serve you karmically in the end. So don’t be the nice guy who becomes a bad guy by railing against the original bad guy.
  5. Never stay at a hotel that will give any rando who knows your name a key to your room!

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Blog Snog: Whitney Cummings Decodes Online Dating

June 27, 2014

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The Best Kisses from Getty Images, Part 1

June 26, 2014

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When you do a search for “sex” on Getty Images, you get a lot of interesting results — so many, in fact, that we were compelled to create a superlative series of Getty “sex” search images. Today’s installment highlights the best kisses — actually, there were so many we had to present them in two installments (stay tuned for Part 2 next week). Mwah!