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Top 5 Love Lessons from The Bachelor (Juan Pablo, Ep 3)

January 21, 2014


photo courtesy of ABC/Rick Rowell

  1. Date location don’ts: cold and dirty city harbors (that you intend to¬†swim in), sport stadium hot dog kitchens (that you intend to make out in), and bungee-jumping bridges next to busy 8-lane freeways.
  2. If you put just the tip in, it doesn’t count. We’re of course talking about putting just the tip of your shoe into the air off the bungee-jumping platform. (Is this season one big metaphor for date rape or what?)
  3. Makeup is fun and glamorous and, often times, pure magic. But it is NOT a necessity. A relationship in which you cannot let your partner see you “without your face on” is not one built on honesty or openness.
  4. Don’t take dating advice from your mom. Even if she’s dead.
  5. If you are a single dad dating 25 women at the same time, making out with many of them in a single group date, and frolicking around with them in their skimpy bathing suits at a pool party — all on national television — then you probably shouldn’t judge the appropriateness of other adults’ love lives. Homophobia and hypocrisy ain’t sexy.


Top 5 Love Lessons Learned from The Bachelor: Juan Pablo, Ep 2

January 14, 2014


photo courtesy of ABC/Todd Wawrychuk

  1. Sensual massage and talk of the dearly departed do not mix.
  2. If someone on a date is pressuring you to do something that you don’t feel comfortable with, that goes against your values, and that you simply don’t want to do, then stand up for yourself and don’t do it! Knowing yourself and your boundaries is way sexier than being a wishy washy weakling. (Bonus tip: If you have a job that requires you to use debate skills — like, we don’t know, say, a trial lawyer? — then there’s no shame in employing some of those skills on a date to make your case. This does NOT, however, mean you should, under any circumstances, roleplay that you are actually doing your job — like, we don’t know, say, a local news reporter? –¬†in the middle of a date in an attempt to be playful, especially if you have not yet mastered the skills of said job.)
  3. Don’t be Drunk Girl from SNL: KNOW YOUR ALCOHOL LIMITS! Always. But especially on a first date.
  4. When you’re going to dump someone, don’t string them along with extended kindness, concern, and sympathy — it will only give them false hope. Be nice and gentle, but get to the point quickly. It’s like taking off a Bandaid: the longer you take to remove yourself fully from the relationship, the more it’s gonna hurt.
  5. If you do something dumb on a first date, don’t dwell on it on the second date. In fact, don’t even bring it up. Forget about it and move on…to the totally normal and not-at-all awkward rose ceremony portion of your second date.


How to Get Over a Breakup…with Breaking Bad

September 30, 2013


In honor of the last episode ever of Breaking Bad (sniffle), we’ve reconnoitered our classic “How to Get Over a Breakup” article so Breaking Bad fans the world over can better deal with the loss of their loved one and try to fill the void left behind by the series ending.¬†

Come here, Baby Blue, and let us give you a big hug. It’s going to be alright. Really. However bad it is, someone else has lived through worse before you — okay, maybe not worse, but nearly as bad (think: The Sopranos, SATC)¬†– and they didn’t lose their job or their marbles in the process. Sure, it might have been touch-and-go at first, but eventually they started watching TV again. Some of them even fell in love with a new show (think: Homeland, House of Cards). It’s the cycle of life! Remember, the end of a relationship with an excellent television show doesn’t make TV unwatchable, it just makes you feel that way for a while — unless, of course, you throw out your Panasonic and cancel your Netflix account. Our patented 8-step process below will keep you out of the john and in the human race.

  1. Numb the pain…for approximately seven days (two weeks max, in extreme circumstances). Everyone needs time to hit the wall. So give yourself permission to talk about nothing but BB at your next cocktail party, debate your friends on Facebook about the merits of the finale, try to convince the few people you know who haven’t watched BB to get on the freaking bus already.¬†Don’t feel guilty for fantasizing about Jessie calling you “Bitch” or Walter White in his tighty-whities. We do, however, insist on you stopping short of trying meth to self-medicate.
  2. Cut the cord.¬†Once you’ve spent a week or two on step 1, do something Walter White was never able to do: let things go and move on.¬†As tempting as it may be to rewatch all 62 episodes to relive a fraction of the excitement you felt the first time around or try to catch hidden meanings you missed¬†before, this is not the time to concern yourself with BB. In fact, as with crystal meth, going cold turkey is often best.
  3. Think negatively about BB, especially if it helps you manage step 2. Avoid looking back on your relationship with blue-colored glasses or beating yourself up about what ingenious subtleties you missed. Read Emily Nussbaum’s party-pooper New Yorker analysis of the finale as many times as you have to to feel better.
  4. Git ‘er done.¬†After you’ve broken down, it’s time to rebuild yourself. You have it in you: start that political blog, dust off your bicycle, take that fiction writing class — after all, think of all the time you’ve wasted not only watching BB, but obsessively reading critics takes on it and posting your own amateur analysis/predictions in various comments sections. Haven’t you always wanted to write the next great teleplay? Never got around to taking that woodworking class because of all the time you wasted Tweeting things like “Can’t figure out which Walter White to be for Halloween: gas mask, pork pie hat, or on the lam”? Do it now!
  5. Give back to the community. Nothing like volunteering at the local rehab clinic to put your heartache in perspective.
  6. Give yourself a “breakover.”¬†Get back at BB by shaving off that goatee, giving up fried chicken, stopping ironically calling all your friends “bitch”‚Ķ.
  7. Go on the rebound.¬†We know you’re not here yet, but don’t underestimate the benefits of distracting yourself with other cinematic flings so that you won’t be tempted to indulge in any late-night re-screenings of the last three episodes of BB. Instead, try just the first episode of a whole slew of highly regarded series. You can go young: House of Cards, Orange Is the New Black, American Horror Story. Or play around with some classics you might have missed: Six Feet Under, Battlestar Galactica,¬†Twin Peaks. You don’t even have to fully commit to another show right now, though by the time you’ve gotten to this step you might feel differently about a palette-cleansing half-hour comedy (i.e. “sorbet show”) like Brooklyn Nine-Nine.
  8. Think positively.¬†This is not the death of quality television. This is the beginning. Say it again: This is the beginning! Now sing it: “I will survive!” Because you will survive. And you will watch again. Hey, maybe you should even turn your television on. Remember, channel surfing is your chance to one day find even better cinematography and even truer character development. BB was just a stepping stone on your way to self-improvement, personal growth, and true happiness with the next great pop culture-phenomenon. Take comfort in the fact that, with every passing day, as the pain subsides, you’re that much closer to your density (chemistry reference intended). We mean, your destiny.



A Round-Up of Thoughtful Spankings Over the Miley Cyrus Spectacle

August 30, 2013


There’s been a LOT of talk this week over Miley Cyrus’s performance at last week’s VMAs. Here’s some of our favorite analysis:



The 10 Best and Worst Moments from the 2013 VMAs

August 26, 2013


photo via MTV.com


1. Lady Gaga’s 26 costume changes into smaller and smaller outfits, ending in a Little Mermaid-inspired seashell/thong number. She’s just fucking with us at this point, right?

2. Miley Cyrus’s self-demotion to porny arm candy during her Blurred Lines “duet” with Robin Thicke (or was it the simulated rimming during “We Can’t Stop?).

3. Kevin Hart’s improvised — and painfully unfunny — stand-up bits, amounting to nothing more than drooling over Lady Gaga’s butt cheeks (twice!) and calling *NSYNC fat and farty.

4. A$AP Rocky’s shameless plug for his new album in the middle of a serious statement about gay rights.

5. Katy Perry’s “ring girls” in string bikinis. Why not subvert the whole macho boxing genre with scantily clad ring boys?



1. Lady Gaga’s unitard-clad, average-physiqued backup dancers.¬†She’s just fucking with us at this point, right?

2. Taylor Swift caught on camera saying “Shut the fuck up” while One Direction presented the Best Female Pop Video nominees.

3. Justin Timberlake’s classy & graceful greatest hits medley performance in honor of his Vanguard award (which he accepted with class & grace).

4. Macklemore & Ryan Lewis’s Best Social Message Video win for “Same Love.”

5. Can’t believe we’re saying this: Kanye “Jesus” West’s subdued performance of “Blood to the Leaves,” which was simply¬†his black-out silhouette in front of a nature still. Refreshing!



Top 5 Love Lessons from The Bachelorette (The Finale)

August 6, 2013

1 Comment

  1. Rebound sex, or even a rebound relationship is understandable after a bad breakup. But a rebound engagement? Probably not a good idea (especially if you can’t stop crying throughout the entire process).
  2. Having equally weird families (overly aggro brothers, overly handsy dads, etc) can really bond a couple, because each can understand and empathize with the familial pain and embarrassment of the other.
  3. Being proud and having a sense of shame have no place in true love. If you have to get your nose adjusted on television with a really unflattering camera angle, you do it. If you have to read¬†your crap “poetry” over and over again in public because the object of your affection enjoys it, you do it. And if you have to settle for second place, you do it.
  4. In all seriousness: Love doesn’t have to be hard. While a chase can make things exciting, if you’re really looking for a lifetime marriage, then the practical stuff (kindness, commitment, enthusiasm, stability, willingness to make a fool out of yourself for love by reading your crap poetry on national television over and over and over and over again) — is more important than the sexy stuff (mystery, stand-offish-ness, chiseled features, great hair).
  5. You should always listen to Em & Lo when it comes to all things relationship-related, because we speak the truth. (Exhibit A: our prediction back on July 23rd: “Juan Pablo is the next Bachelor! Not a lesson technically, just a fact.”)


Top 5 Love Lessons from The Bachelorette (The Breakup Edition)

July 30, 2013


Ouch. We find Des to be a bit of a matzah bachelorette (flat and bland), but even we felt really, really bad for her last night. Getting dumped is hard, but it’s at least twenty-five times harder when it’s televised nationally. And what are the odds: you’ve got 25 potential suitors and you fall for the one that just isn’t into you? ¬†Did Des used to kick puppies when she was little, because the universe does not want her to find romantic happiness. Well, maybe we can learn from her misfortune and Brook’s missteps, so it’s not all for naught:

  1. When dumping someone, be as clear as possible as quickly as possible. Sure, it may be difficult for you to spit it out, but making the dumpee wait and wait and wait for the knife is psychological torture (especially when they know it’s coming, but they’re still hoping this could just be your weird way of confessing your undying love).
  2. When you want to breakup with someone, do it outside in bright daylight — when you squint against the sun’s rays it will automatically give your face the appropriate look of pain and despair.
  3. It’s good to be honest, but not brutally so. Thus, when breaking up with someone, play up all their good qualities and play down the things they lack. They do NOT need to hear all about ¬†how they are not the big love of your life and that you don’t miss them at all when they’re not around. That’s just salt on the wound, dude.
  4. If the person you’re dumping gets up and walks away, great! But if they’re lingering, looking for hugs, retreading the same territory, then you’ve got to be the one to say goodbye and leave, otherwise they’ll just keep clinging to that measly string of dental floss hope that their sadness (and how hot they look while crying) will eventually make you change your mind.
  5. Do not — repeat, DO NOT — ask, “Why are you crying?” Jeeeeezus.



Top 5 Love Lessons from The Bachelorette (The Men Tell All)

July 23, 2013


It’s hard to come up with five decent love lessons each week when the show isn’t that exciting this season. The bloopers reel wasn’t even that good! (And such small portions, too!) A sure a signifier of just how ho-hum this cast was. So don’t expect much enlightenment from “The Men Tell All.” Fingers crossed for finale drama. Until then, a few tips (extracted from tonight’s episode with metal pliers):

  1. When you make a big romantic mistake, the best/most endearing/classiest thing to do is to make a heart-felt, self-deprecating, earnest, honest apology about it (Jonathan, you sir, could give lessons on this).
  2. “You should be the same around your peers as you are around your girlfriend. You should bring your girlfriend around your peers, your friends, and be the same person and not have to turn around and put a different suit on and be Mr. America.”¬†Deep thoughts and wise love lessons from Mikey T. (Who knew?)
  3. If you’re going to get a new, post-show hair style, make sure it’s better than you’re last (we’re talking to you, Brandon).
  4. You can only sing a song to someone you’re wooing — not to someone who’s already dumped you, especially not a song about how you’re moving on. Clearly you (Zak) are not.
  5. Juan Pablo is the next Bachelor! (Not a lesson technically, just a fact.)


Top 5 Love Lessons Learned from the Bachelorette (S 9, Ep 8)

July 16, 2013


photo via ABC.com

  1. Dating don’ts: Showing up shirtless. Showing up in an animal mascot suit. Showing up in earnest.
  2. Don’t ever, EVER, let your Dad touch your date more than you’ve touched your date.
  3. Similarly: If you ever want to have sex again, do NOT, under any circumstances, get a nasal adjustment on national television.
  4. No need to throw away a perfectly good ring for sentimental reasons: eBay exists for a reason.
  5. It’s officially inevitable: women always fall for the wrong men and let the right ones go.




Top 5 Love Lessons Learned from The Bachelorette (S 9, Ep 7)

July 9, 2013


photo via ABC.com

  • If someone asks you (Catherine) about the love of your life (Sean) and you respond “We’re best friends”…? Hello, red flag?!
  • When you (Michael) are trying to make someone (Des) fall in love with you, don’t talk about all the negatives in your life: exes, health problems, daddy issues, freakin’ tombstones, etc.
  • If someone (Des) can’t look you (Michael) in the eye while you tell them your deepest feelings, um, it’s a no-go.
  • Never admit on camera to¬†falling in love (Des), because you are sure to jinx it and be rejected on national television. It’s inevitable.
  • When your adult child (Michael) calls you to tell you they’ve been dumped, do NOT say, “Here we go again”! That’s child abuse.