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Our Golden Globies

January 14, 2013

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In honor of the Golden Globes last night, we — the Tina Fey and Amy Poehler of the sex writing world — decided to give out our own awards for the evening:

Most Sensual Congratulatory Kiss
Sally Field to Daniel Day Lewis (Best Actor for Lincoln). Her hands cradling his face and their slow gentle lip-on-lip action put his wife’s lifeless kiss two seconds before to shame.

Best Feminist Moment
A tie between:
In her acceptance speech for Best Actress for Zero Dark Thirty, Jessica Chastain thanked director Kathryn Bigelow, saying “You’ve said that filmmaking for you is not about breaking gender roles, but when you make a film that allows your character to disobey the conventions of Hollywood, you’ve done more for women in cinema than you take credit for.”
AND
After President Bill Clinton introduced Lincoln, Amy Poehler said, “What an exciting special guest! That was just Hillary Clinton’s husband! Oh my god!”

Most Awkward Moment
Cecil B. DeMille Lifetime Achievement recipient Jodie Foster, in a speech trying desperately to be funny and profound about singledom, sexual orientation and privacy, but just coming across as painfully weird

Worst Fashion Theme
Plunging neckline (almost) down to the belly button, revealing underboob cleavage and making everyone nervous (hopeful?) for a nip slip. Worst offenders: Jessica Chastain & Amy Poehler.

Cutest Couple
Ben Affleck (winner, Best Director & Best Movie for Argo) & Jennifer Garner (presenter of Best Actor in a Comedy or Musical to Hugh Jackman for Les Miz)

Oddest Couple
Jodie Foster & Mel Gibson, there together as BFFs

Worst Shoes
Lena Dunham, winner of both Best Actress in a TV Comedy and Best TV Comedy for Girls. If you cannot walk in your shoes without them making you look like you have polio, either wear some bedazzled Chuck Taylors or go barefoot. Otherwise, it ironically cramps your famous unorthodox, do-it-my-way style. No one can see your shoes in these floor-length ball gowns anyway.

Best Romantic Dis
Tina Fey: “You know what, Taylor Swift? You stay away from Michael J Fox’s son [the Mr. Golden Globe of the evening].”
Amy Poehler: “Or go for it.”
Fey: “No, she needs some me time to learn about herself.”

Best Sexual Dis
Tina Fey: “Quentin Tarantino [who was nominated as Best Director for Django Unchained] is here — the star of all my sexual nightmares.”

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Comedian Amy Schumer, Our New Hero

August 21, 2012

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We caught Amy Schumer’s first original one-hour stand-up special, “Mostly Sex Stuff,” on Comedy Central this past weekend, a few weeks after her deft takedowns at the Roseanne Barr roast…and now we’re “swim fans.” We love any comedian who can make a fisting joke work, and Schumer did not disappoint. She’s a straight-talking, porn-watching, potty-mouthed provocateur who cleverly exposes the inherent insanity of money shots, waxing, sexism and plain old sex…

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Top 10 Reasons Why Don Draper Would Make a Terrible Boyfriend

March 26, 2012

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photo via amctv.com

The fifth season of MAD MEN premiered last night on AMC with a two-hour special, and Don Draper did nothing to change our minds about his relationship potential. Peggy may worry that he’s a kinder, cuddlier Draper, but we have no such concerns. After all, she didn’t see him resolve a domestic dispute by pretend-raping his wife. (What was up with that weird retro porn scene anyway?!) Here are our top ten reasons why Don Draper would make a terrible boyfriend:

  1. He drinks and smokes constantly, and we’ve never seen him even pop a mint, let alone brush his teeth. Imagine the morning breath.
  2. Oh wait, that’s right: he’d never sleep over.
  3. Which is probably because he knows that if you saw his un-slick bed-head (we imagine it’d look something like this), you’d never have sex with him again.
  4. Zero sense of humor. Zip. Then again, if Don Draper started to smile a lot, it might look like this — you got a rare glimpse of it in last night’s episode when he was shaving. No wonder he doesn’t tell a lot of jokes.
  5. No cunnilingus. (Just a wild guess.)
  6. Rampant — pathological, even — infidelity. In fact, this could really be points 1 through 10 as far as we’re concerned, but that wouldn’t make for a very entertaining list.
  7. All his anger and denial and repression might look good on the surface (again we reference the dorky smile), but can you imagine living with that on a daily basis? It’s way too much existential angst for a man who doesn’t believe in therapy (or surprise parties). In fact, the closest he came to dealing with his issues (and how he’d roll his eyes at the word “issues”) — one of his major issues being that his mom was a prostitute and his dad was too cheap to spring for a condom – was when he asked a prostitute to slap him during sex. Talk about baggage, Oedipus.
  8. He once said, “I don’t feel anything.” And it wasn’t because he’d fallen asleep on his arm. Sure, lots of women fantasize about changing a man, but that’s too much damn work. The dude flat-lined already.
  9. He’s kind of a fuddy duddy old square despite it all. (Remember that scene in the jazz club with his downtown artist mistress? Not to mention his stony reaction to his swingin’ surprise party last night.)
  10. He dates by type and you can never be all of them — in fact, he doesn’t want you to be all of them. He prefers to date one type at a time and then move on. He’s cycled through the all-American dream girl-slash-model, the bohemian artist, the wealthy sophisticated heiress, the mother figure, the accomplished peer, his mirror image in a skirt (Bobbie), the swooning secretary… As Faye told him at the end of season four, he only likes the beginnings of things — and we don’t see that changing anytime soon.

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Car Crash Sex on TV

December 7, 2011

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We recently ran a post on EMandLO.com about television shows with hot sex scenes, but if we’re being honest, the stuff that really floats our boats is the hilarious, cringe-worthy stuff that just seems a lot more realistic — after all, sex is often awkward, full of miscommunication, with some head bonking and disappointment, maybe tears. Which is why we loved, loved, LOVED last night’s episode of “New Girl” on Fox. We’ll admit, we were pretty eh about the pilot — it was close, but no cigar. So we never scheduled a second date with the show. But a friend encouraged us to give it another chance last night and we are so glad we did — because we can’t remember the last time we laughed so hard, especially not from of a television show (we’re talking tears and stomach pain). Not to get your hopes up, but it’s one of the best sex scenes we’ve ever seen on TV* — it should win an Emmy. We liked it so much, we went online so we could watch the earlier “penis” episode (officially titled “Naked”), which also did not disappoint. Oh, if only the same could be said for sex.

Now “New Girl” is fictitious comedy, and so the laughter last night’s scene elicited came freely, without any hesitation or guilt. It was truly joyous to guffaw at the characters on the screen. Not so with the giggles you’ll get watching TLC’s The Virgin Diaries — and that’s just the promo. These are real people, adults who’ve waited a looooooooong time to get it on. And so watching the car crash that is a bride and groom kissing (anyone!) for the first time ever is excruciatingly painful, not just because they look like, as Jimmy Kimmel described it (at minute 11 of his monologue), a mama bird regurgitating chewed up food into her baby’s mouth, but because you really feel bad about laughing about them. Not bad enough, of course, to not mention it on your blog the next day.

*Here’s the set up of the New Girl roleplaying scene: Jess recently broke up with her boyfriend of six years, so she hasn’t had sex with anyone else in a really long time. With a new guy on the scene, she’s afraid she’s out of the loop on sex trends and techniques, so she buys some lingerie, watches 5 straight hours of porn, and gets terrible advice from her male roommates about roleplaying. For some reason, the clip ends before the scene does (premature cessation!), so if you want to watch how the hookup ends, you’ll have to wait until next week to catch “Bad in Bed” online here (though unlike saving sex until marriage, it’s worth the wait).

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Why Is Sex Fun?

August 31, 2011

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The Discovery Channel is in the middle of airing a series called Curiosity. Current and upcoming episodes include “What Sank the Titanic” and “Is There a Parallel Universe?” Not sure how we missed the last one, “Why Is Sex Fun?” hosted by Maggie Gyllenhaal. We couldn’t find any upcoming airings listed in our Tivo, but you can find plenty of clips online, both on theDiscovery Channel website and on YouTube. The show takes a scientific look at the salacious, with a great bit on how the clitoris is not just a little external nubbin, but a great network of ennervated tissue that runs deep throughout the genitals (something you don’t see that often on mainstream TV or in scientific discussions for that matter). You’ll also see an orgasm in the brain, intercourse on an ultrasound and the first vibrators ever made on display at New York’s Museum of Sex. (We’re guessing this last bit is why Gyllenhaal hosted: her new movie out this fall, HYSTERIA, is a period rom-com about the invention of the vibrator in Victorian times. That’s what marketing nerds call synergy. Check out the new trailer here.)

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Sexist Bill Maher on Sexism

July 22, 2011

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We’re two of those poor HBO-less saps who have to wait until the following Wednesday to get the free podcast of the previous Friday night’s episode of “Real Time with Bill Maher.” And so we only just discovered his final “New Rule” from last week: “Republicans have to stop thinking up intricate, psychological explanations for why liberals don’t like Sarah Palin or Michele Bachmann. Let me save you all some time. Are you ready? Because they’re crazy people.” Now, Bill Maher is not exactly what we’d call a feminist icon, and he’s pretty selective about which sexism he shuns — he’s definitely not down with the systemic misogyny of religions like Islam which allow women to be stoned for exposing an ankle and which consider rape not a crime but a punishment, but he loves to talk about stereotypical dumb blondes with big tits and nagging sexless ball-and-chain wives. It’s tough, because otherwise his political views are very compelling. So when he delivers a smart, spot-on New Rule like last week’s — in which he explains how Palin and Bachmann aren’t dumb because they have boobs but because they are boobs, and how inherently sexist the Bible is — we can forgive him the pig that he his.

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Let’s Talk About Sex (a Documentary)

April 8, 2011

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Its title may be tired, but the documentary LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX is as relevant and necessary as ever in a country that’s schizo about sex, with teens paying the price in crazy rates of pregnancy and STDs. A winner of the Youth Award at the Mostra de Ciencia e Cinema Festival and an official selection of the Provincetown International Film Festival, the documentary (watch the trailer) airs tomorrow night (Sat, April 9) at 10pm on The Learning Channel (TLC). It may be the first show on that channel that’s actually educational and enlightening (hello? Cake Boss? Say Yes to the Dress? I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant?!?).

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Wave of (Female Genital) Mutilation

April 5, 2011

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ActivistResource.org apprised us of a 2009 documentary being screened in our neck of the woods (Hudson Valley) tonight called Mrs. Goundo’s Daughter, so we checked out the trailer. It’s the story of one woman’s quest to save her young daughter from the horrors of the African tradition of female genital cutting. In her native Mali, up to 85% of women and girls undergo clitoral excision, which can result in lifelong pain, infection, infertility and even death. After watching the trailer, you’ll think “This is crazy! How can people still think this is a good idea? Thank goodness I live in a Westernized country.” But then we’d point you to this report on the increase in labiaplasty by Hungry Beast (a television show in Australia where they can show a lot more — warning: this is NSFW). After seeing a young woman get her nerve-rich inner labia hacked off by choice, you’ll reconsider your Western superiority.

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Zions, and Mormons, and Polygs, Oh My!

March 31, 2011

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photo by Stephanie Sinclair for the New York Times Magazine

There seems to be Mormonism and polygamy in the air lately (at least for us), so we wanted to spread the love to you and you and you and…:

  • Escape — Just finished this crazy page-turner of a memoir from Carolyn Jessop, one of the few women to escape The Fundamentalist Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints or FLDS (of Warren Jeffs infamy) with her 8 kids (and 8 is a low number for this radical polygamist sect). She recounts how the cult basically imprisons women as sex/baby-making slaves — you’ll boggle over how something like this could exist in America in the 21st century. Katherine Heigl is slated to make the movie version of the book (which, we hate to admit, we’re morbidly excited about).
  • Sister Wives — This TLC TV series is in the middle of its second season. With only 4 sister wives (who seem allowed to express their opinion) and their mere 16 kids, the Browns look like the Cleavers compared to the FLDS clans. Still, we really wish the show would delve a little deeper into the religious justification for the double standard of multiple wives but not multiple husbands (in Season 1, when his first wife of 20 years asked him to imagine her taking another husband, husband Kody admitted the thought sickened him — hmmm, funny how that works).
  • The Book of Mormon — Everyone’s raving about this new Broadway musical by the dudes behind South Park, including Jon Stewart, who said it’s “so fucking good it makes me angry.” Think Urinetown and Jerry Springer: The Musical rather than Wicked or Brigadoon.

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“Sex in America with Lisa Ling”

March 15, 2011

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At least, that’s what Ling’s new show on OWN (Oprah’s new tv network) should be called, instead of “Our America with Lisa Ling.” After all, four of the first five episodes focus on matters of sexuality: There’s “Pray the Gay Away,” “Transgendered Lives,” “The State of Sex Offenders,” and tonight at 10pm “Online Brides” (all re-air several times over the next week). The first three (which we’ve seen) all take a very personal and intimate look at how these issues are affecting real people — it’s fascinating stuff, all shot very cinematically. The only drawback is how each episode is framed with a series of rhetorical questions posed by Ling’s stiff narration — a voice that mistakes monotone for gravitas…

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