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Crush of the Week: Potty-Mouthed Princesses Drop F-Bombs for Feminism

October 22, 2014


Holy fucking shit, this video (below) is fucking awesome! We could watch it all week! It combines two of our favorite things: feminism and swear words. That it includes little girls not acting like little princesses is icing on the cake. Of course, the freakouts and insults in the comments section illustrates just how scary it must be for people invested in the sexist status quo to see women, especially little girls, defying their most basic gender-stereotypical imperatives: be cute, quiet and conforming. Wonder if it’s too late to get our daughters to go as Potty-Mouthed Princesses for Halloween?



I F’ed Up Royal: A Tale of Infidelity, Told in Stock Photography

May 13, 2014


Our friend Ben Weber just added a second series to I F’ED UP ROYAL, his hilarious and strange webseries about marriage and infidelity, told entirely via stock photography and “repurposed” photos. Don’t worry if you’re not caught up — you can watch an entire season in less time than it takes you to do a 7-minute workout. Episode one, season one, is above; you can watch every episode here.

By the way, if Ben looks familiar to you, it might be because you still obsessively re-watch old episodes of Sex and the City (hi, Skippy, a.k.a. dude #11 on BuzzFeed’s ranking of the 107 men of Sex and City); it might be because you have a particular fondness for Oscar Mayer commercials; or you could simply be mistaking him for Tom Hanks (you can hire him for that).


The Exact Perfect Way to Have “The Talk”

April 2, 2014


photo via Flickr

We don’t know how we missed Julia Sweeney talking about giving The Talk to her curious 8-year-old daughter, but it’s definitely worth a reshare/revisit four years later. Parents, watch and learn (in some cases what not to do):




Hot & Cheap: How to Make a Home-Cooked Meal for a Dollar!

January 17, 2014


Being able to cook is traditionally seen as sexy, but frugality? Not so much. But when you save money on food, think of all that leftover moolah you can apply to romantic dinners out, just-because gifts, and sex toy upgrades!

When we think of sexiness and frugality, we think of Jack Murnighan. We used to work with him back in the early days of Nerve.com. He was a PhD student of medieval literature who penned the column “Jack’s Naughty Bits,” in which he would eloquently introduce the raunchiest bits from the cannon. His voice was deep and smooth like butter. He danced at all those fabulous late-90s internet-boom parties with the sensuality of Sally Rand. And he drank four-day old coffee without shame — indeed, with pride.

Lo and Jack were roommates for five minutes and he would come home from Chinatown with a bag overflowing with exotic (or frightening, depending on your sensibilities)…ingredients? Yes, let’s go with ingredients. All for less than a dollar! No exaggeration. Then he’d make magic in our teeny tiny kitchen and have himself a feast within minutes. As an undaring vegetarian, I was spared many of his zanier experiments, but I could still appreciate the game he was mastering way back when: making interesting, satisfying, home-cooked meals for next to nothing.

Jack is now an executive at Disney (Nerve.com > Babble.com > Disney) where they’ve helped him launch his own online video series called DOLLAR MEALS, which he describes as “gourmandise on the super-cheap.” It’s been a long time coming. He’s as cute as ever, with a voice that’s still as smooth as butter, and he can cut the fat off pork with the sensuality of Sally Rand. Watch, learn, eat, enjoy!



What to Do If You Bump Into Tom Hanks

September 11, 2013


According to scientific research, at least 17% of you, our dear readers, still harbor a sex fantasy based on Elizabeth Perkins’ not-quite pedophilic crush in Big, and 11% of you occasionally indulge in a mermaid-related Splash fantasy. Also, 3% of you have a fantasy based on the Forrest Gump premature ejaculation scene. And let’s not even get started on “Woody.”

So, what would you do if you actually met Tom Hanks? Sure, it may never happen, but wouldn’t you rather be ready, just in case? Enter the hilarious short video Tom Hanks Fan Academy. It’s directed by our pal Valerie Weiss (who made the great film Losing Control that we wrote about last year) and stars another friend of ours, Ben Weber, who bears a striking (okay, more than passing) resemblance to Tom Hanks. (The hilarious Matt Olsen co-wrote the video and also appears in it.)

Enroll in the THFA today! Just maybe keep that Forrest Gump fantasy to yourself.


The Best “Blurred Lines” Parody Yet!

September 3, 2013


The Mod Carosel parody was pretty good, but a little too thin on the politics for our radical feminist tastes. Enter “Defined Lines,” the parody made by some University of Aukland law students for its Law Revue show last week. With its decent production values and pointed yet hilarious feminist message, it’s the Blurred Lines parody to end all Blurred Lines parodies. It even features a cameo by the purple Ina 2 vibe made by our beloved LELO! The video actually got taken down by YouTube for a few hours because, you know, double standards. But apparently the pushback was enough to get it back up. In case you miss them in the vid, the genius lyrics are below:


Every bigot shut up (x 2)

Hey hey hey (x 3)

Boy you’d better quit all your sexist ways

So hear our manifesto of the modern age.

It’s time to undermine

The masculine confines

Coz we don’t wanna grind,


You think that you’re so slick,

Let me emasculate ya!

Because your precious dick

Can’t beat my vibrator.

We’re feelin’ the frustration

From all the exploitation.

Prepare for your castration.


So we can fuck this man’s world,

With all its bullshit,

Girls don’t deserve it.

We ain’t good girls:

We are scholastic,

Smart and sarcastic,

Not fucking plastic.

Listen mankind!

If you wanna get nasty,

Just don’t harass me:

You can’t just grab me.

That’s a sex crime!

Yeah we don’t want it -

It’s chauvinistic.

You’re such a bigot!

What you see on tv

Doesn’t speak equality,

It’s straight up misogyny.

Don’t want you to come on my face!

You think you’re hunky (hey hey hey)

You wanna hug me (hey hey hey)

Don’t you mean fuck me?

One thing I ask of you:

Don’t assume that we all just wanna screw.

Gotta respect me for me to be your boo.

We don’t want no scrubs, no we don’t approve.

Need a universal role reversal,

In real life not a dress rehearsal.

Gotta resist all the gender roles,

Time to put misogyny on parole,

Put exploitation on probation,

Time for you to witness our liberation!

There’s more to life than penetration,

And sexual discrimination.

So tonight we ignite our civil rights,

Resist chauvinism,

Win the fight,

Coz you’re livin large just like a montage

Of you and your friends actin’ out Entourage.

But we ain’t whores to do your household chores,

To make you a sandwich when we’re on all fours.

From history to herstory.

Know you got some opinions that we don’t agree.

Need to call my sister Joan of A-R-C,

Bake a feminist cake, Antoinette Marie.

Yeah, guys, we got spies,

Know all you wanna do is fertilise,

But avert your eyes from my thighs,

Never tell a bitch that she gotta drop a size.

You wanna box gap? Show me your six pack.

Wanna landing strip? You’d better get ripped.

I apologise if you think my lines are crass,

Tell me how it feels to get verbally harassed.


So we can fuck this man’s world,

With all its bullshit,

Girls don’t deserve it.

We ain’t good girls:

We are scholastic,

Smart and sarcastic,

Not fucking plastic.

Listen mankind!

If you wanna get nasty,

Just don’t harass me:

You can’t just grab me.

That’s a sex crime!

Yeah we don’t want it -

It’s chauvinistic.

You’re such a bigot!


A Round-Up of Thoughtful Spankings Over the Miley Cyrus Spectacle

August 30, 2013


There’s been a LOT of talk this week over Miley Cyrus’s performance at last week’s VMAs. Here’s some of our favorite analysis:



The 10 Best and Worst Moments from the 2013 VMAs

August 26, 2013


photo via MTV.com


1. Lady Gaga’s 26 costume changes into smaller and smaller outfits, ending in a Little Mermaid-inspired seashell/thong number. She’s just fucking with us at this point, right?

2. Miley Cyrus’s self-demotion to porny arm candy during her Blurred Lines “duet” with Robin Thicke (or was it the simulated rimming during “We Can’t Stop?).

3. Kevin Hart’s improvised — and painfully unfunny — stand-up bits, amounting to nothing more than drooling over Lady Gaga’s butt cheeks (twice!) and calling *NSYNC fat and farty.

4. A$AP Rocky’s shameless plug for his new album in the middle of a serious statement about gay rights.

5. Katy Perry’s “ring girls” in string bikinis. Why not subvert the whole macho boxing genre with scantily clad ring boys?



1. Lady Gaga’s unitard-clad, average-physiqued backup dancers. She’s just fucking with us at this point, right?

2. Taylor Swift caught on camera saying “Shut the fuck up” while One Direction presented the Best Female Pop Video nominees.

3. Justin Timberlake’s classy & graceful greatest hits medley performance in honor of his Vanguard award (which he accepted with class & grace).

4. Macklemore & Ryan Lewis’s Best Social Message Video win for “Same Love.”

5. Can’t believe we’re saying this: Kanye “Jesus” West’s subdued performance of “Blood to the Leaves,” which was simply his black-out silhouette in front of a nature still. Refreshing!



The Video We WISH We’d Made: “HBO Should Show Dongs”

August 16, 2013


College Humor’s original short this week “HBO Should Show Dongs” (below) was made for us: it’s got puns (“We’ve got a boner to pick”), it’s dominated by funny women (usually you get only one token funny chick in bits like this), and it’s all about equal opportunity objectification!

The very nature of HBO practically requires that all their shows include nudity — though where it’s written in stone that said nudity must be of the female variety, we don’t know. This “rule” probably stems from some old fashioned, out-dated assumptions about women not being visual creatures, the male form being much less aesthetically appealing than the female form, men being uncomfortable with male nudity while women are just fine with female nudity, etc etc.

Now, College Humor is challenging all that conventional “wisdom” with this week’s original video. Sure, it’s funny and silly. But the truth is spoken in jest.



The Super Bowl 2013 Commercial Kisses

February 6, 2013


It wouldn’t be the Super Bowl without a bunch of sex-filled commercials to excite, offend or turn off. Kissing is still the sex act of choice for advertisers (thankfully), so here’s a round up all the big, bold and (only sometimes) beautiful Super Bowl ad kisses.*

GoDaddy.com’s “Perfect Match”
If you’ve seen or heard about any Super Bowl commercial, it’s this one from reliably tasteless GoDaddy, created by their female(!) chief marketing officer and starring their female spokesperson Danica Patrick. In previous years, they’ve relied on women with careers (police officers, TV interviewers) suddenly becoming strippers or on the stereotypical “bimbo” having a wardrobe malfunction. None of that this year (thank heavens for small mercies). No, this year GoDaddy decided to offend with the suggestion that people can’t be both sexy and smart, that all beautiful women are dumb and need a smart man to get by. Then they added gorily juicy horror movie sound effects to the kissing, just to make it that much more cringe-inducing. Somehow, their ad exec manages to deny the ad’s sexism with a straight face in this interview with Forbes.

How Not to Kiss Like a Zombie and Other Helpful Kissing Tips

Old Milwaukee’s “Bus Kiss”
This ad — starring a mustachioed Will Ferrell in a tank top making out with an older Asian woman on a bus — aired in only three cities, but it’s gotten national attention for its weirdness. In the category of awkward Super Bowl kisses, this one is FAR superior to GoDaddy’s. With kissing that’s passionate and even tender, the couple seems genuinely into it. Unlike the GoDaddy stinker, this ad you cannot look away from.

Dear Em & Lo: My Boyfriend Hates Kissing

Bell’s “Viva Young”
Apparently, you’re never too old to party: an elderly gang busts out of the retirement home to pull an all-night rager, including dance-club makeout sessions and bathroom stall hookups. Again, unlike the GoDaddy ad, this commercial is not gross, it’s inspiring! Who, no matter how old, could argue with the tagline at the end “Viva mas”? We hope we’re still kissing like that at 80. Hell, we hope we’re still kissing like that at 45.

Dear Dr. Kate: When Should I Tell a Partner About Oral Herpes?

Audi’s “Prom”
Initially, we loved this John-Hughes-esque ad: high school boy is heading off to prom dateless, but Dad gives him the keys to the suped-up Audi and this gives him the courage to make a move on the prom queen. It’s a romantic underdog story…until you think about the kid totally taking the girl by surprise and planting one on her without her consent. Then it becomes a bit sexual-assault-y. Like, hey, even cute sensitive loner boys can become sexual aggressors and take what’s rightfully theirs from passive girls if they just drive the right car! Of course, the prom queen doesn’t pull away — she’s into it — so we’ll just imagine that she gave him her blessing in a note passed to him earlier that day in AP Calculus.

Wise Guys: How Do Men Feel About Their Girlfriends Kissing Other Women?

Budweiser’s “Brotherhood”
There definitely seemed to be something more going on between this man and his horse besides grooming and feeding, if you know what we mean. The kiss is quick, but we swear there was tongue!

Poll: Do You French Kiss When You Wake Up?

*We did not include blown kisses like in Hyundai’s “Stuck” or licks like in M&M’s “Love Ballad” or half-second pecks like in Coca-Cola’s “Cameras”.