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The 10 Best and Worst Moments from the 2013 VMAs

August 26, 2013

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photo via MTV.com

THE WORST

1. Lady Gaga’s 26 costume changes into smaller and smaller outfits, ending in a Little Mermaid-inspired seashell/thong number. She’s just fucking with us at this point, right?

2. Miley Cyrus’s self-demotion to porny arm candy during her Blurred Lines “duet” with Robin Thicke (or was it the simulated rimming during “We Can’t Stop?).

3. Kevin Hart’s improvised — and painfully unfunny — stand-up bits, amounting to nothing more than drooling over Lady Gaga’s butt cheeks (twice!) and calling *NSYNC fat and farty.

4. A$AP Rocky’s shameless plug for his new album in the middle of a serious statement about gay rights.

5. Katy Perry’s “ring girls” in string bikinis. Why not subvert the whole macho boxing genre with scantily clad ring boys?

 

THE BEST

1. Lady Gaga’s unitard-clad, average-physiqued backup dancers.¬†She’s just fucking with us at this point, right?

2. Taylor Swift caught on camera saying “Shut the fuck up” while One Direction presented the Best Female Pop Video nominees.

3. Justin Timberlake’s classy & graceful greatest hits medley performance in honor of his Vanguard award (which he accepted with class & grace).

4. Macklemore & Ryan Lewis’s Best Social Message Video win for “Same Love.”

5. Can’t believe we’re saying this: Kanye “Jesus” West’s subdued performance of “Blood to the Leaves,” which was simply¬†his black-out silhouette in front of a nature still. Refreshing!

 

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The Video We WISH We’d Made: “HBO Should Show Dongs”

August 16, 2013

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College Humor’s original short this week “HBO Should Show Dongs” (below) was made for us: it’s got puns (“We’ve got a boner to pick”), it’s dominated by funny women (usually you get only one token funny chick in bits like this), and it’s all about equal opportunity objectification!

The very nature of HBO practically requires that all their shows include nudity — though where it’s written in stone that said nudity must be of the female variety, we don’t know. This “rule” probably stems from some old fashioned, out-dated assumptions about women not being visual creatures, the male form being much less aesthetically appealing than the female form, men being uncomfortable with male nudity while women are just fine with female nudity, etc etc.

Now, College Humor is challenging all that conventional “wisdom” with this week’s original video. Sure, it’s funny and silly. But the truth is spoken in jest.

 

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The Super Bowl 2013 Commercial Kisses

February 6, 2013

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It wouldn’t be the Super Bowl without a bunch of sex-filled commercials to excite, offend or turn off. Kissing is still the sex act of choice for advertisers (thankfully), so here’s a round up all the big, bold and (only sometimes) beautiful Super Bowl ad kisses.*

GoDaddy.com’s “Perfect Match”
If you’ve seen or heard about any Super Bowl commercial, it’s this one from reliably tasteless GoDaddy, created by their female(!) chief marketing officer and starring their female spokesperson Danica Patrick. In previous years, they’ve relied on women with careers (police officers, TV interviewers) suddenly becoming strippers or on the stereotypical “bimbo” having a wardrobe malfunction. None of that this year (thank heavens for small mercies). No, this year GoDaddy decided to offend with the suggestion that people can’t be both sexy and smart, that all beautiful women are dumb and need a smart man to get by. Then they added gorily juicy horror movie sound effects to the kissing, just to make it that much more cringe-inducing. Somehow, their ad exec manages to deny the ad’s sexism with a straight face in this interview with Forbes.

How Not to Kiss Like a Zombie and Other Helpful Kissing Tips

Old Milwaukee’s “Bus Kiss”
This ad — starring a mustachioed Will Ferrell in a tank top making out with an older Asian woman on a bus — aired in only three cities, but it’s gotten national attention for its weirdness. In the category of awkward Super Bowl kisses, this one is FAR superior to GoDaddy’s. With kissing that’s passionate and even tender, the couple seems genuinely into it. Unlike the GoDaddy stinker, this ad you cannot look away from.

Dear Em & Lo: My Boyfriend Hates Kissing

Bell’s “Viva Young”
Apparently, you’re never too old to party: an elderly gang busts out of the retirement home to pull an all-night rager, including dance-club makeout sessions and bathroom stall hookups. Again, unlike the GoDaddy ad, this commercial is not gross, it’s inspiring! Who, no matter how old, could argue with the tagline at the end “Viva mas”? We hope we’re still kissing like that at 80. Hell, we hope we’re still kissing like that at 45.

Dear Dr. Kate: When Should I Tell a Partner About Oral Herpes?

Audi’s “Prom”
Initially, we loved this John-Hughes-esque ad: high school boy is heading off to prom dateless, but Dad gives him the keys to the suped-up Audi and this gives him the courage to make a move on the prom queen. It’s a romantic underdog story…until you think about the kid totally taking the girl by surprise and planting one on her without her consent. Then it becomes a bit sexual-assault-y. Like, hey, even cute sensitive loner boys can become sexual aggressors and take what’s rightfully theirs from passive girls if they just drive the right car! Of course, the prom queen doesn’t pull away — she’s into it — so we’ll just imagine that she gave him her blessing in a note passed to him earlier that day in AP Calculus.

Wise Guys: How Do Men Feel About Their Girlfriends Kissing Other Women?

Budweiser’s “Brotherhood”
There definitely seemed to be something more going on between this man and his horse besides grooming and feeding, if you know what we mean. The kiss is quick, but we swear there was tongue!

Poll: Do You French Kiss When You Wake Up?

*We did not include blown kisses like in Hyundai’s “Stuck” or licks like in M&M’s “Love Ballad” or half-second pecks like in Coca-Cola’s “Cameras”.

KISS WITH KINK: GET THE BEST VALENTINE’S DAY PRESENT OF THIS YEAR!



Bar Refaeli Wants to Kickstart Her Sex Tape

October 4, 2012

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Sure, you could send ten bucks to your neighbor who wants to make a business out of her macrame bondage gear… or you could just fund “aspiring model and actress” Bar Refaeli’s sex tape. Remember the nineties, when a sex tape was a good way to launch a career? These days it’s all about making a Funny Or Die video, in order to prove you’re not just hot enough to be Leo’s girlfriend, but you’re funny, too. We think that’s progress?



Janeane Garofalo Wants to Make Love to Bob Dylan

August 30, 2012

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The right soundtrack can transform a so-so sexual encounter into something memorable (just ask Hollywood producers). And the wrong soundtrack? Well, that can really screw things up, as it were. Imagine: you’re feeling all lovey-dovey and want to hold your lover’s face while you make sweet missionary love… and then your partner puts on some hardcore punk. And what about when your partner wants to do it to Bob Dylan and you just plain don’t? So it goes in the newly released song from our friend John Wesley Harding (you might also know him as Wesley Stace, the author of novels including Misfortune and By George), “Making Love To Bob Dylan.” And yep, his stage name is taken from the Bob Dylan song and album title. Perhaps too much Malkovich Malkovich, as Entertainment Weekly notes. This hilarious video stars Jeneane Garofolo — you’ll have to watch to the end to see if the couple can compromise. Let’s just say that Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On” is not involved.

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A Dinner Table Debate Over Gay Marriage

August 28, 2012

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photo by Stuart Isett for The New York Times

With all the backlash over “legitimate rape” vs. illegitimate (sic) rape last week, another great debate got a little lost in the shuffle: the one over gay marriage between¬†sex columnist¬†and married gay dad of one adopted son, Dan Savage, and the president of the¬†National Organization for Marriage¬†and straight married father of seven biological kids, Brian Brown.

When Savage called some teens who walked out on a speech of his criticizing parts of the Bible “pansy-assed”, Brown challenged him to a debate to see “what a big man you are in a debate with someone who can talk back.” Savage accepted, going so far as to have Brown over to his home for dinner with his husband and child before¬†a sit-down debate moderated by the New York Times’ Beliefs columnist, Mark Oppenheimer.

The result is an awesome, hour-long, intellectual duel that’s the closest thing most of us liberal, art-loving, political junkies will get to truly enjoying a sporting event…

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A Musical History of Wooing Women

July 26, 2012

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CDZA (short for Collective Cadenza)¬†is a group of mostly Juilliard-trained music geeks (and we use that term in the most loving and respectful way) that “creates musical video experiments” — in other words, fun viral vids that play upon all sorts of musical themes and genres (think¬†“Evolution of Dance”¬†but with live musicians and no dancing). Ten months ago they created their inaugural “History of Lyrics That Aren’t Lyrics” (i.e. Sha na na na, doobie doobie doo, etc). Then a few months ago they started producing these videos regularly, one every other Tuesday. Some recent examples: “Mark Zuckerberg: The Musical” (“This is the dawning of the page that you share with us”) and¬†”Aces of Basses” (a literal tribute to the Swedish pop sensation using five acoustic upright basses).

Now there’s “History of Wooing Women.” It begins innocently enough with the 1955 classic “Only You” by the Platters and quickly runs through the next few decades with Frank Sinatra’s “The Way You Look Tonight,” The Beatles’ “I Want to Hold Your Hand,” Stevie Wonder’s “You Are the Sunshine of My Life,” The Police’s “Every Little Thing She Does,” and so on. But suddenly, around the mid-’90s, things take a turn for the obscene:

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“Sex House,” and Other Non-News Parodies from The Onion

July 19, 2012

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Today marks the second weekly installment of¬†the Onion’s new web series,¬†Sex House¬†– a parody of¬†The Real World/Big Brother/Glass House-type reality shows that pretend to be about something other than throwing a bunch of people into a Sartre-esque No Exit living sitch with a bunch of raging hormones and an endless supply of cheap vodka. It’s the first series from the Onion Digital Studio, which¬†according to the Huffington Post, will focus exclusively on non-news parodies. The other three web series premiering on its YouTube channel this past week include¬†Lake Dredge Appraisal¬†(think¬†Antiques Road Show¬†meets 1980s public-access TV),¬†Horrifying Planet¬†(think¬†National Geographic¬†meets¬†When Animals Attack¬†meets¬†American’s Funniest Home Videos) and¬†Troublehacking with Drew Cleary¬†(think vloggers with delusions of grandeur).

So far,¬†Sex House¬†has the most promise — but…

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Em & Lo Interviewed on The Interview Show

June 4, 2012

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Yep, we just referred to ourselves in the third person…again. Remember a few weeks ago we told you we were going to be on The Interview Show in Brooklyn? No? Well,¬†here’s the video of us on Chicago comedian and humor columnist Mark Bazer’s show¬†anyway. We thought he was going to be asking us things like “What’s the weirdest advice question you’ve ever gotten?” or “What’s the best/worst thing about writing about sex?” You know, the fun cocktail conversations we never seem to have in real life.¬†Instead, Mark asked us real, honest-to-God sex advice questions. The nerve! It was like work, except without the benefit of us being able to pick and choose the questions we want to answer and spending hours polishing our responses to make ourselves seem effortlessly witty. The veil has been lifted.

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A Sex Toy Sitcom

May 30, 2012

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Okay, this is the weirdest thing we’ve come across in a while:¬†a low-budge, home-made, episodic sitcom about a family of sex toys. It’s called “The Dildos” — there’s the gynecologist father, the domestic goddess mother, the teenage son JD (Junior Dildo), the younger twin sisters (a double-ended dildo), and the dog (a vibrating bullet). There’s even a catchy theme song.

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