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Blog Snog: The Thanksgiving Edition

November 28, 2013

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Erika Lust Wants to Turn Your Fantasy Into an Erotic Film

November 15, 2013

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We frequently hear from couples who disagree on the subject of porn, and one of the first things we advise them is to be ethical and responsible when it comes to porn consumption, and to try out porn made by women and with a feminist perspective. Like Erika Lust, for example, an author and erotic film director who is a four-time winner of the Feminist Porn Awards. She’s smart and talented and her films tend to be edgy rather than cheesy.

Her latest project is XConfessions.com, a project “by you and Erika Lust.” She gathers steamy confessions from readers and then turns them into short erotic films. So far she has gathered hundreds of confessions and has turned ten of them into short films, which you can view on the site: In “I Fucking Love Ikea” (how awesome is that title, for a start?), a woman watches her boyfriend build things and then rewards him for his efforts; in “Hold Me So Tight It Hurts,” a woman experiments with bondage; and in “Sit Down, Shut Up and Watch,” a couple try out a threeway. The stars tend toward the cool and tattooed, the films are beautifully shot, and the cringe factor is extremely low.

Lust has promised to pick her favorite two confessions each month and turn them into an erotic film or object. So what are you waiting for? Click here to spill the beans.

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Blog Snog: Sexy Men and Their Sexy Cat Twins

November 15, 2013

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Blog Snog: All the Reasons to Love Guys with Beards

November 1, 2013

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Halloween Blog Snog: Which Costume Is Worse?

October 20, 2013

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Blog Snog: How Bridget Jones Changed the Landscape for Women

October 18, 2013

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Confession: My Husband Has No Penis

October 15, 2013

3 Comments


photo via Flickr

Amy Bronwen Zemser — “writer, squirrel hunter, breastfeeder, homosexual” — just launched her new, provocative blog, AmyBronwenZemser.com. We have the honor of publishing an abridged version of one of her recent hilarious posts about coming out, homophilia, and cases of mistaken sexual identity (read the unabridged version here). Enjoy!

***

I’ll tell you a secret.

I still have some internalized homophobia.  So I get squeamish when I have to come out.

I don’t have to come out very often, but the situation does arise if I have to say, switch opthamologists.  Or if Ray wants to play with a child whose parent I do not know. Just recently, after I told the mother of a child in Ray’s Suzuki violin class that I was one of two moms, she looked at me with a completely straight face and said,  “There was a girl in my daughter’s class who had that.”

Had what?  The malaise of homosexuality?  The disfiguring disease of conjoined motherhood?

Once, when I was adjuncting at St. John’s university, the topic of homosexuality came up.

“I heard it runs in families,” an English professor said.

“Oh yes,” I chimed in.  “My brother and I both inherited homophilia.  Haven’t you heard?  It’s very catching.  Do you want your spoon back?”

I don’t want to be labeled, see.  Who does?  Even if only a portion of the lesbian population have wiffles,  I still have trouble coming out with it in ordinary conversation.  I hate the word “lesbian” because it makes me think of a bunch of women wearing patchouli and making out with each other on some Greek island.  Gay is generally a term for the boys (although I do use it) and queer still means strange to a lot of people.  I do love the word homosexual because there’s a whiff of the scientific there, and it’s funny, but admittedly I say the word in a humorous way as a coping mechanism.

Hi, I’m Amy, and I’m a homosexual.  A HOMOsexual.

To call oneself any one thing — a homosexual or a writer or a parent or a squirrel killer, for that matter, is just plain reductive. Nobody want to be any one thing.  I am the sum of all my complicated and contradictory parts.

But sometimes, as with the Suzuki violin mother, introductions occur, and you have to come up with something better than same-sex touchmonkey or Zena warrior.

I have found a solution to this issue, though.  I have my own special little stock phrase that I integrate into a conversation, when I have to let someone know that my spouse is female, and so far it has worked out beautifully:

My husband has no penis.

This is a very effective strategy.  It is funny, it is fast, and you don’t have to use the words transgender or queer.

Fine, I give you that it’s a lot longer than the word gay, but it’s infinitely more original, especially when you are at a gas station having a cigarette and you can casually blow smoke out the side of your mouth and say, oh, you know, my husband has no penis, so we just use the same rest room at the truck stop.

When Lynn and I were first trying to get pregnant, we spent a lot of time at the fertility clinic.  We spoke to many physicians at the outset who tried to convince me that we needed to use medical intervention in order to get pregnant, even though we had no idea whether, at 37, I was infertile or not.  Conversations would invariably get to this point:

Me: I’ve never tried to get pregnant before. I don’t know if I’m infertile.  I mean, do you have any statistics?

Fancy Fertility Doctor: What kind of statistics?

Me: Like, how many women come to the infertility office to get pregnant not because of low sperm count or advanced maternal age, but because, you know, their husband has no penis.   Ha ha.  HA HA HA HA HA.

FFD: (silence)

Me: My husband has no penis!  HA HA HA HA HA HA

I can’t get pregnant, I’d go on, pointing to Lynn.  We try and try but something must be very wrong with him, doctor, I really do think something is terribly wrong.

At this point Lynn turns purple and looks out the window.  Sometimes she’ll smile meekly and say this is Amy from the Catskills Resort, and her next joke will be….

For some reason I find my little joke absolutely hysterical.  I realize it sounds inane and embarrassing and puerile, like I’m in the seventh grade in Gloria Vanderbilts and feathered hair.  But every time I say it, it just gets funnier.  More importantly, it also makes real sense.  What could be a more banal, a more pedestrian and reasonable way to work into a conversation that you are gay than to say that your husband has no penis?

Since my husband has no penis, we don’t have federal marriage protection under the law.

My husband has no penis — of course we love the Indigo Girls.

Sure do wish my husband had a penis.  If he did, he surely wouldn’t need to adopt his own three kids.

Since my husband has no penis I had to drive all the way to Mt. Kisco to get my ovaries fluffed before Tuesday’s insemination in Manhattan.

Usually nobody laughs at my private joke, but I am always happy to have it.  It means I don’t have to say lesbian.  Gay.  HOMOsexual.

I hate the label, so I make a joke.  I don’t want to be reduced, so I make a joke.  I make a joke, I make a joke, I make a joke.

One time, at one of my poker games, my friend Melissa, a dentist, told me that after I had gone in for a cleaning, her administrative assistant shook her head sadly after me, saying, “That poor woman.  Did she tell you? Her husband,” and here she lowered her voice to a whisper, “Her husband has no penis.”

It took Melissa a while to explain to the woman that I was a lesbian, and that I didn’t have a husband at all.

“But what about the penis,” she insisted.  “What happened to it?  How did it come off?  How terribly painful that must have been.  For both of them.  In different ways, of course.”

Melissa said they had to go around a few times before it was all straightened out and the next patient could go in for his bite wings.

At this point most of the women around my Texas Hold ‘em table were wiping their eyes and crying over this poor office assistant who  seriously thought the reason I was having trouble conceiving was because, despite vigorous attempts, my penis-less husband was unable to squeeze any seeds from his fruitless loins.

I must admit that I would love to know if any of you use different terms to get around the discomfort of coming out.  If you are reading this and you are not a homosexual, then try and drum up a gay memory or two, perhaps the time you made out with your best friend in college.  Please share your experiences and thoughts on my very public forum.  What do you have to lose?  At worst you’ll be deeply humiliated. At best there is always deep shame.  It’s all good.  Everybody wins.

***

For more hilarity on artificial insemination, gay parenting and squirrel hunting (for real!), check out  AmyBronwenZemser.com.

 



Audio Smut to Make Terry Gross and Ira Glass Blush

October 11, 2013

1 Comment

photo via flickr

Public radio isn’t exactly known for turning up the heat — unless you have some kind of fetish regarding audible mouth noises or endearing speech defects, or you like to rub one out imagining Terry Gross or Ira Glass talking dirty to you.

A (new to us) show out of Canada called Audio Smut intends to change public radio’s staid reputation — in a very public radio kind of way, of course. (For starters, their website features not a single animated gif of a naked person, but rather a subtle patterned background that looks like faded Victorian wallpaper.) Here’s a description of the show in their own words:

In a public radio world that turns a blind eye and blushing cheek to sex, we give you Audio Smut. A show about your body, your heart and your junk. Every 2 weeks we deliver honest, emotionally engaging stories that read like a diary and sound like a dream.

Our mission is to educate and initiate public discourse about gender, sex, and relationships from a sex positive, queer and feminist perspective. Our work seeks to portray sexuality in a diverse and honest light.

The show was created in 2006 by a group of Montreal sex workers for McGill University’s CKUT 90.3. Over the years and over the shifts in collective members, Audio Smut is this little podcast that you are hearing now. The show still airs on CKUT 90.3 on the first Wednesday of every month, in addition to our monthly air on NYC-based BBOX Radio the first Sunday of the month.

You can listen to past episodes online right here, or you can go here to subscribe to the podcast via iTunes, FeedBurner, et al.

They talk about threeways, quickies, STIs (that’s a good episode, f.y.i.), virginity, gender, dirty talk, Mozart (did we mention this is public radio?), prison sex, and even armpit fetishes (holy shit, did we mention this is public radio?).

Man, are Canadians effin’ cooler than the rest of us or what?

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Blog Snog: How I Tried to Break Bad After a Breakup

October 11, 2013

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Blog Snog: How Wonder Woman Was a Feminist Icon

October 4, 2013

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