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11 Ways to Spot the Narcissist in Your Bedroom

January 29, 2015

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by Elizabeth Stone for YourTango¬† | ¬†photo via Kim Kardashian’s Instagram Feed

Among the types of people who can really muck up your life, there is the toxic narcissist.

Narcissism exists on a spectrum. These self-centered folks can simply be more focused on themselves, or it can cross over into an actual personality disorder. Either way, narcissists are legendarily difficult to have relationships with. So, if you are truly coping with one it might be time to make some hard decisions about the relationship.

Here are some signs that you might be dating a narcissist:
1. He lacks personal responsibility.

It is never,¬†ever¬†his¬†fault. The narcissist can’t see the other person’s side of an issue or admit that he had a part in something that went wrong. He denies the reality that he cause a lot of his own problems.

2. When confronted with your feelings, she lacks remorse.

This is particularly hard to deal with in¬†romantic relationships¬†because it’s essential to be able to work through problems with your partner.

Since narcissists don’t believe they’re at fault in disagreements or misunderstandings, coaxing a sincere apology out of them is difficult and hollow.

They’ll argue in such a way that causes you to feel guilty even though they’re actually at fault.

3. They manipulate you to get what they want.

Since the most important person on the narcissist’s list is himself, he sees the people in his lives as means to an end. If he needs admiration, attention, or to borrow $100, he’ll find a way to get it from you.

4. Preoccupied with perfection.

Narcissists likes their outer appearance to match their elevated perception of the world. Surface appearances are extremely important to them.

Since in their eyes their partner reflects upon them, they’ll often try to control the image that their partner and¬†family¬†projects.

This often involves micromanaging your appearance and decisions. They’ll often make their partners feel like they should be striving to reach their imagined idea of perfection.

5. Their life is secretly in shambles.

While they may strive to appear perfect on the outside, things are not what they appear underneath.

Because narcissists can even convince themselves that their lives are going perfectly, they gloss right over “hard work” and “persistence.”

That, combined with the fact that they treat others like crap, leads to messy breakups and rocky relationships.

6. They have charisma.

A narcissist can be magnetic … at first.¬†Frankly, putting on a repellent self-centered attitude would run contrary to a narcissist’s goals ‚ÄĒ namely, creating admiration and attention in others to get things from them.

As a result, they usually have a carefully crafted public persona.

7. They steer the conversation toward themselves.

It doesn’t matter what’s happening, narcissists can make it about themselves. They seek out praise and validation from others and are drawn to flattery to support their oversized self opinions.

8. They don’t care about problems that don’t directly involve themselves.

Narcissists are the wrong people to confide in since they’re so self-absorbed and rarely consider the needs of others.

They’ll make you feel like you’re boring or inconveniencing them or change the subject to something that they are interested in, usually themselves.

9. They can’t stand criticism.

While they may be adept at cutting you down with criticism, narcissists don’t handle criticism (constructive or otherwise) well. They may hit back or lash out.

10. They have less empathy.

Recent research suggests that while narcissists have lower levels of empathy as a whole, their ability to empathize with others depends on the individual’s level of narcissism. Either way, this characteristic makes them uncaring partners.

11. Your relationship revolves around their needs and wants.

When the going gets tough, narcissists will often check out completely.¬†Because they’re so low on empathy, narcissists have a hard time putting the needs of others above their own.

As a result, narcissists make difficult, uncaring parents and lovers. As the partner of a narcissist, your needs won’t likely ever cross their radar, let alone come first.

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Comment of the Week: Communicate or Cut Him Loose!

October 1, 2014

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This week, ¬†our favorite comment came from TK in response to the “Your Call: The Relationship Is Great, the Sex Not So Much.” We love it when our readers deliver tough love so eloquently!:

Most people who write in to advice columnists “know” the answer already. You may love this guy to bits, but please wake up: you DON’T have a healthy relationship. People treat us the way we allow them to. You set the stage for your dissatisfaction when you went for en entire year without making your sexual needs known. And when you had the “awkward conversation” (see: “this relationship is not healthy” comment above) he made half-hearted attempts to please you. I think you answered your own question with the “he isn’t even trying” comment. You two either need to get real comfortable communicating with each other (which is going to take a lot more awkward conversations before it gets better) or you need to realize now that you’re incompatible. If he really is going to “give up altogether” if you keep asking for your needs to be met, he’s not relationship material, despite how much you think you love him.

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Wise Guys: Which Is Better, Oral or Intercourse?

July 15, 2014

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Advice from three of our guy friends. This week they answer the following: “If guys had to choose between only intercourse or only blowjobs for the rest of their life, which do you think most guys would choose?”

Straight Single Guy (L.A. Chris): I think most guys would choose blowjobs, but they really should be choosing intercourse. BJs are the best thing to happen to sex since sliced bread, but with added perks (let’s just say it’s like taking your car in for an oil change and getting a free car wash). Most men don’t get as many blowjobs in their daily routine as they’d like, so the prospect of guaranteed hummers for life is a dream come true. But it’s a devil’s bargain. Blowjobs are awesome, but they’re unsubstantial — mere icing on the cake. And a man can’t feel truly satisfied on a diet of sugar frosting alone. At some point he’s going to want to connect meaningfully with his partner. And by the time he gets to be 30 or 40 he may even want to have a baby. (Yes, men have biological clocks too. Ours are not as prominent as women’s, they’re more like pocket watches, but we have them.)

Straight Married Guy (Fred): I think most guys would struggle with this one, but then decide that intercourse would be the better choice. There are more variations of intercourse, for one thing.¬† There’s more skin contact which is always nice. Giving her pleasure at the same time is a big turn on.¬† The fact that intercourse is active rather than passive makes it a more likely choice for guys.¬† We like to do stuff… like aggressive pelvic thrusting.

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Top 15 Worst “Sexy” Halloween Costumes

October 20, 2013

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We recently published a top 10 list — only slightly tongue in cheek — of “sexy” Halloween costume ideas for men, in an attempt to balance out the playing field this October 31st. To highlight exactly why the world needs more¬†Sexy John Boehner Crying and Sexy Walter White, here is a top 15 list of the worst “sexy” Halloween costumes for women. All of these costumes actually exist.

 

 

1. Sexy Deer

What’s sexier: Deer in headlights facing down an S.U.V. on the highway, or petrified deer about to be shot down by a hunter? Road kill is sooo hot.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2. Sexy Nemo

Come on, seriously? You’re Nemo?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

3. Sexy Skunk

The worst part about skunk sex? The post-coital tomato sauce bath.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

4. Sexy Chinese Takeout

Mmmm, don’t you just love the smell of leftover Chinese takeout in the morning?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5. Sexy Waldo

We guess you could have fun with a “Where’s Waldo’s penis” treasure hunt…?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

6. Sexy Good Sandy

Really? You couldn’t just go as Bad Sandy?
It’s kind of like going as Sexy Hannah Montana.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

7. Sexy Clown

Way to scare all of us, not just the children.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

8. Sexy Mime

Ha ha ha ha ha. What? Sorry, we  have no words.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

9. Sexy Elmo

Hasn’t poor Elmo been through enough sexual trauma already?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

10. Sexy R2D2

It’s just not fair to raise a poor nerd’s hopes like that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

11. Sexy Sock Monkey

It’s like you’re actually trying to make some pedophile’s day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

12. Sexy Crayon

If you’re so determined to be sexy that you’re going to sex up a Crayola¬†costume, why would you stick a miniature traffic cone on your head? We just don’t get it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

13. Sexy Keg

Tap this keg, geddit? It’s like a date rape costume!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

14. Sexy Garfield

We never thought we’d say this, but there’s a fine line between looking like Garfield the cat and looking like a Hooters waitress.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

15. Sexy Bacon

Okay, now you’re just f*&#ing with us, right?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Last Chance to Get Mom a Truly Unique Mother’s Day Present!

May 8, 2013

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Lelo’s Etherea Silk Cuffs

This week is your last chance to get something for Mother’s Day. Sure, you could do flowers…again. Or you could get her something she’ll¬†really¬†enjoy: our award-winnging book,¬†150 SHADES OF PLAY: A Beginner’s Guide to Kink!

ORDER FROM AMAZON WITH TWO-DAY DELIVERY (OR PRIME) BY THUR AFTERNOON — OR ONE-DAY DELIVERY BY FRIDAY AFTERNOON — TO GET IT BY SATURDAY!

Here us out: Mom’s loved the¬†Twilight¬†series, but secretly wished there was more sex in it. Along comes the¬†Fifty Shades¬†series, which is essentially¬†Twilight¬†fan faction, and there’s tons of sex….kinky¬†sex. Moms across the country go gaga for it, so much so that it’s dubbed “mommy porn.”

There are just a few problems:

  • Fifty Shades¬†doesn’t tell moms how to incorporate any of this stuff into their own lives
  • it doesn’t mention specific quality products or where to get them
  • it perpetuates myths about kink
  • it even promotes some very dubious (i.e. unsafe) behaviors and techniques

A mom friend of ours recently wrote us, saying she’s been married for a¬†loooooong¬†time and needs some new ideas, asking which book of ours we would recommend. We told her¬†150 SHADES OF PLAY: while it does cover some intense kinky stuff, it also covers the basics; it’s not visually graphic; it has a great sense of humor, which makes it fun and non-intimidating to skim with a husband or partner; it gives readers a vouyeristic look into how extreme some people can get with BDSM which might make them feel more comfortable and confident to try new,¬†mildly¬†kinky things. Because let’s face it: a little toy or light bondage is nothing compared to pony play!

Plus, it just won a 2013 Ippy Award!

So when making the mom in your life a Mother’s Day care package this coming May, remember: flowers are nice, but floggers are nicer.



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