photo by hyperscholar

Arguing sucks. Of course love is important but harmony and friendship should be equally desirable. Give it time, cool down. You always have a choice when you’re in a relationship: Do I still actually want to do this? Ask yourself that very seriously to check up with yourself. Are you happy?

Go hang out with your mates, or enjoy the company of others for a bit. Try not to bitch about him to other people as girl mates can sometimes really indulge in it and can actually accidentally make you feel worse.

Be nice to him, so don’t ignore any contact he makes, but just give it space for a few days. After a bit he might text or call you asking to meet up; or maybe he won’t (we can all be stubborn sometimes…) so try to hook up and if he’s calm, then start talking. Make sure you blooming well listen to what he says and don’t take every comment personally. If you love him then look behind any harsh or hurtful comments and try to understand what he’s actually trying to express. If he’s rude, just stay calm and say ‘please can we keep this calm. I want to sort things out.’ It goes without saying that you gotta stay calm. It helps to say ‘I feel’ when expressing yourself, eg. ‘I feel as though our trust for each other has been rocked.’

I go out with one of the dirtiest fighters. He is very intelligent and he wants to win. Sometimes even if I stay calm he is still really hard to get anywhere with. That’s just the way he is, I think because his dad used to argue with him like that, in a kind of nasty intellectual debating way. It is difficult to keep your cool, believe me, I know this! But hey, life is good. Love is good. Love is about wishing each other happiness. And remember that you can get out if you want to — gosh, aren’t we western ladies blessed!

People are full of issues; you are, I am, he is, Em and Lo are (ssshhh, it’s a secret). Learn more about yours from this, try not to take them out on him. He can’t solve your issues. Don’t think he can. And, in the same way, you can’t solve his. Hopefully you will be able to talk this through a little more. And when you do, acknowledge your own faults honestly. Don’t let him press on them too much, but definitely accept responsibility where it’s due. Hopefully he will do the same, taking lead from your shining example. You ain’t gotta bow down or nothing, just be honest with yourself and with him. Then, once you have accepted the deeper causes of your argument, you can choose or decide together what you are both gonna do to try to not let those things get that way again.

And then, you will probably argue sometime again. But arguing is not bad! People are mirrors to each other, and when we are extremely close to someone, they reflect all sorts of weird things that we didn’t know existed. It is uncomfortable at times but it is, in my opinion, the true meaning of love. How you move through these phases and progress together is also an indicator or love. We have no perfect other half, there isn’t a perfect man out there who you will never argue with. Couples who have gone out for ten years or more and are happy have usually had to go through lots of painful patches together. When you are healthily and constructively work through those hard times, the love that waits on the other side is incredible.

— Diz, responding to the post “Dear Em & Lo, My BF and I Are Fighting – Are We Doomed?”