Johnny on players versus nice guys, in response to the post “Dear Em & Lo: How Can I Connect with Someone Before Sex“:
Based on your description of your sexual history, you’ve been dealing with players. Also, though you may look back on your experience as a promiscuous woman (I’m not going to call you a ‘toilet’) with some regret, clearly you are a sexual, naughty woman yourself. That means you’ve historically been attracted to the guys who bring that feeling out in you – the aforementioned players.
The type of guy to take you on 4 dates with no sex is not going to be that type of guy. he’s going to be a “nice guy.” Nice guys aren’t seducers. Even if he’s cool, you’ll likely see him as naive, over-sensitive and bumbling compared to the guys you’re used to. You’ll have to deal with them being “respectful” when what you really want is nasty sex. You’ll be shocked by how clingy these guys can be. You’ll smell their inhibitions, their reluctance or inability to rapidly stir a woman’s sexuality.
These guys are great rapport-builders. They can make friends. They can have intellectual and emotional conversations. They’re likeable. But they stall out when it comes to sexual escalation. This is going to be foreign territory for you. You’re going to have to take them by the hand and walk them there.
I could never be a player. I want to be a lover, a stud, the guy, her man. But, I just can’t be a player. I can make great conversation, I can make women laugh but I have a fear of rejection and rarely ask them out. The last two times I did. I was told they wanted to see me again but they turned down the date. Well, if it is worth having. It worth waiting for it to happen.
I’m not sure the either/or classification is useful or realistic. I’ve met respectful, mature male “players” with tons of game, as well as asshole “nice guys” who blame others for their problems because “no one sees how nice they are.”
One more thing…
I acted the part of a player for awhile and went from pretty OK with women to being an absolute MAGNET!
But, since I’m really a nice guy at heart, I couldn’t keep up the pretense for long.
And, the women who flocked to me weren’t “keepers” anyway.
OK Ladies,
Get out there and spread the word!
We nice guys are tired of hearing you describe men just like us as ideals…
and then go swooning over every asshole who walks by. The ruder, more callous and abusive they are, the more you seem to chase after them.
Excitement comes in more than one flavor!
Men who don’t advertise themselves well may have been spending all that unused image-development time on things of greater depth such as becoming a better human being (i.e. cultivating themselves as persons, not “better” in the superior detached way of the player).
Don’t complain about guys who only want looks and don’t go any deeper if you’re not willing peer a little more closely yourself.
Here’s hoping we all find the “nicest” match that truly suits us.
I don’t think it’s fair to say that men who are nice don’t have a healthy sexual appetite or much sexual experience. A nice guy is one who’s going to shove you into bed if and only if *you* want him to (including waiting after a few dates). Don’t make the outlook of dating someone who respects you look so bleak.
After years of going for players or guys who simply treat me badly I have now settled with what you would call a nice guy.
When I first met him he was shy and very very conventional.
I can now say after being with him for many years now, he has become the most adventurous lover I have ever had.
So I got the best of both worlds.
I’ve never been so happy.
I went from an asshole to a nice guy and even after two years, I’m just amazed at the difference. Though honestly, I think nice guys can be pretty damn dirty too.
After five years of dating ‘players’ I’ve connected with a ‘nice guy’ as you describe above. True, at times his over sensitivity and clingy disposition have been a stark contrast to my exes suave ways, but the security of knowing I’ve found a nice guy who respects me in every way has allowed me to discover my sexuality as never before, I can push my boundaries and find out what works for me in a safe and loving environment. Worth it!